I found out I’m in one more little video share about my coach Selena Soo’s upcoming program that I participated in a year ago (the trailer)! Click HERE to watch it.
I thought I looked a little pale in the video. OK, and old.
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your appearance is not you—have you noticed yet?
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Gawd, how embarrassing to admit I have self-judgments on appearances. But it’s so common, right? I hear people say things like “I look terrible!” as they go through photos.
Let’s take a look at these kinds of worries about “looks”.
Because one thing I see in my life is….looks change, looks go down hill, and looks certainly don’t get you what you think you want.
Eating Peace, the basic Core Teleclass is underway right now….and we’ll be diving into this over two weeks in our second module together. Judgments about appearance. Judgments about thinness and fatness.
You can’t really ignore that often the reason we think we need to lose weight or handle our eating is because we’ll look better if we do. We’ll be thin. We won’t be judged badly.
But when I looked at the video trailer above, my thoughts, even though I don’t think I need to lose weight, were basically the same.
I don’t look good.
Now, here’s a great question to ask yourself.
Why do I want to look better (thinner, younger, more full of color, more vibrant, energetic, happy, entertaining, calm, wise, relaxed, confident, successful, wealthy, fun….however you notice you want to appear)??
I always find that the reason I want to look “x” is so people won’t reject me and they’ll be connected to me.
Maybe I’ll get a partner, or be admired in some way, or get clients, or gain something.
Just the other day, I was working with an absolutely lovely client who shared something she was thinking that kept her from going out.
Acne.
I remembered as I facilitated her that I had done a talk at the Institute for The Work last January, and not realizing it would be filmed, I wore drawstring pants and a simple flow-y sweater over a tank top.
OK, basically it looked like I was wearing sweat pants.
OK, I WAS wearing sweatpants. FINE.
If I had worn a casual suit or some kind of cool, hip, nice clothing, the whole thing would have been better.
Why did I want to look “better”?
So people would take me seriously, not reject me, learn something from my talk that was helpful and supportive, be inspired. I’d make a difference. I’d be doing something of value, rather than a waste of time.
What is the stressful view, the risk, the difficulty, the hardship about not looking good, and what it might bring?
Rejection. Disconnection. Separation. Loneliness. Failure.
So here’s the deep underlying belief I notice that persists and repeats itself: How I look produces connection, or separation. So I better look right, or good (if I want connection)……or else.
Let’s do The Work.
Is it true, that the way I look results in connection, or separation…..and God knows, we want connection (right)?
You need to be admired. You need a boyfriend. You need clients. You need other people to like you. You need to appeal to others. You need money or success. You need approval. You need connection.
How you look assists you getting these things.
Is it true?
Phew. Woah. Ummm.
No.
I notice people who look every kind of way imaginable have wonderful and incredibly inspirational lives. Like Stephen Hawking. Or Nick Vujicic. Or Turia Pitt. Or Peg Phillips.
This work is not about kicking yourself for being concerned with your appearance, thinking you shouldn’t be noticing such a thing, believing thoughts like “I’m such a loser that I care about my appearance so much, there must be something wrong with me.”
This also doesn’t work.
It rubs some salt in your wound. It’s another way you react when you believe you need to look a certain way in order to get what you want and swinging to the opposite, thinking you shouldn’t ever, ever care at all. Judging your own mind, your own thoughts.
So who would you be without this story of “looks”?
Who would you be without the belief you need the attention, success, approval….or whatever it is you want, and your looks could get it?
I find it so super fun, exciting, thrilling to be without the story of looks.
Now, I do know I’ve had a life being in a pretty awesome body that seems to be approved of by society. Athletic, healthy, appealing. But I can also say it did nothing for my happiness.
I had the same mind as everyone else, the same kinds of fears, the same anxiety when linking my looks to love, approval or appreciation.
I can so turn the thought of “looks” being important around.
They aren’t.
What’s an example?
I’m 55 years old and much older looking than when I was 25, but my life is soooooo much better now. I feel supported by the world, by people, by reality. I’ve met hundreds of people in this lifetime who are deeply happy who are every age, race, ability. When I was a teen, I was sick with anxiety about my appearance and very unhappy, and developed an eating disorder.
I notice I’m delighted by the variety of humans I meet. I notice their appearance, of course, just like we all do. I notice their manner, their style, their facial expressions, their clothes. The world is full of the art of human form. Lovely.
Now, here’s the funny thing with this whole thought, and finding turnarounds.
What if I shouted HOORAY and did the YAYHOO turnaround?
My looks matter! WOOHOO!
Um. Wait.
Didn’t we just undo that thought?
What if it was entertaining, and fascinating, to notice reality: youth, appearance, natural, make up, haircuts, aging, wrinkles, heavy, light, fat, thin, dark, small, big, fast, slow, this body, that body, feminine, masculine.
What if it all matters and doesn’t matter at all, at the same time?
Who would I be without the stress around it, simply noticing?
“When they believe their thoughts, people divide reality into opposites. They think that only certain things are beautiful. But to a clear mind, everything in the world is beautiful in its own way. Only by believing your own thoughts can you make the real unreal. If you don’t separate reality into categories by naming it and believing that your names are real, how can you reject anything or believe that one thing is of less value than another? The mind’s job is to prove that what it thinks is true, and it does that by judging and comparing this to that.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
I sit and feel the joy of not knowing anything at all. Seeing, looking, listening, tasting, touching, smelling, feeling.
Being.
Just being. This.
Much love,
Grace