The Work of Byron Katie Archives

October 12, 2016

I need more time (a crushingly stressful thought)

notenoughtime — You need more time…to feel what? Skip the middleman (time) and see what happens.

More time, more time, I need more time, more time, more more time time time, more time….

…oh, I almost didn’t see you there.

I was busy collating handouts for the upcoming retreat, facilitating the Year of Inquiry session, buying gluten-free cinnamon cookies and sesame crackers, apples and raw nuts, collecting together pens and clipboards, bringing the cleaning service in for deep cleaning, vacuuming and dusting myself, working with clients, doing a load of laundry, meeting with my co-trainer for a November class for Institute for The Work, spending an hour on the new Eating Peace Process curriculum, and setting up chairs for an eating peace meetup.

All while hearing the voice within occasionally say…er, I mean shout…

…you NEED MORE TIME!

It seems true.

Right at the moment I realized I had a second meet-up scheduled in one week, this one on eating peace, I thought “why did I do that, right before the retreat??!!”

Before people arrived, I was thinking “boy, what I could do with two extra hours right now.”

The quest or demand for more time shows up in so many places:

Something needs to be found, completed, accomplished, done, over, satisfied, obtained, gained, finished.

That’s why I need more time.

Here’s a fabulous question, I first heard from Byron Katie, that really puts this whole “needing more time” thing in the front and center, with a big spotlight shining on it:

What would I have, if I had that thing “done” or “accomplished”?

What would I have, if I had more of this thing called “time”?

Or if everything, absolutely everything, was now handled, completed, tasks finished?

The answer my mind comes up with?

Freedom. Free do to ANYTHING I choose. Free to continue on to the next thing. Free to try something new. Free to Not Work. Free to experience MORE.

Hmmm.

Do I really need more time, in order to experience freedom? Is it true I need to experience MORE? More life, more days, more doing things I like, more pleasure, more happiness, more enlightenment, more awareness, more goodness, more love, more adventure?

Do I really need “more”?

Phew. Haha. Seems rather funny in this moment. And it’s a big inquiry. A very repeated overarching idea.

Let’s look.

I need “more” time than I have right now.

Is it true?

No.

How could I possibly know this to be true?

I’m not even sure why I want “more”! I notice there’s flow, there’s something happening, I call it time, I decide I need more of it, I’m trying to control my day, my pace, my process, my life, my happiness and believing it’s possible through MORE of something that apparently isn’t here in this moment.

Not exactly stress-free, to have this idea that MORE is needed, of anything….including time.

When I have the thought, I see pictures and images haunting me of what’s in store for the future. Unfinished tasks. Unaccomplished dreams. A life cut short.

I’m threatening myself with the need for “more” of this thing called time. I’m demanding, expecting, hoping for LOTS of it.

With the belief, I feel like I’m leaning forward, running forward, sometimes like there’s a headwind pushing against me. Like I have someone screaming in the future, way on the horizon, for me to go faster, more efficiently, quicker, and not give up!

Such a stressful project, idea, desire, vision.

Who would I be without this belief? Without this thought that I need more time, more, more, more time?

Standing here now, with limited days. No idea how many, but clearly they are limited.

Knowing there’s an end to this life as I know it, and it’s absolutely OK. It’s the way of it.

Without this belief rolling through the mind, could I open up to the idea that this moment is precious, sweet, enough. Nothing more required. No future day needed.

It doesn’t mean I stop doing anything. I notice I’m writing this. Fingers are tapping on a keyboard. I pause and gaze out the window to stare at morning dew on green grass for a moment.

I notice a clock here in the room, and awareness of my calendar for the day which is very full, and the next four days blocked off for retreat with people coming.

Without the thought I need more time, this moment feels like a joyful one. Enough.

We’ll all die at some point. I’ll be gone from this body, this life, this construct at some point.

Without the thought “I need more time” I notice such beauty of the room I’m in at this moment, faces of the people I love floating through my mind, visions of the people traveling today to come to retreat who I get to meet for the first time, a journey underway….

….but THIS moment now is full of silence and the refrigerator humming very softly.

Enough, enough, enough.

Shhhhhhh.

Hush, quiet, thrill, joy, peace.

Gratitude I have this moment. I could be gone in an hour, for all I know (and I love that I have no idea). Wondrous world, unfolding in yet another day I get to experience, another morning blossoming.

Without the thought, I notice the sweet evening last night that accomplished absolutely nothing for the retreat beginning tomorrow (apparently), but the joy of connecting with people who came to learn how to do The Work when it comes to compulsive behavior. I got to deeply listen, hear their words, hear their questions. I forgot all about how long the to-do list was. Nothing on that list required.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT need more time. I need less time. My thinking needs more time. I need more of myself, in this moment.

Ooooh, here I am giving time to my thinking, writing this Grace Note, questioning thoughts of “more”. Here I am feeling this moment, now, and opening up to the idea that it’s plenty, it’s enough, it’s genius.

I do not need more time to finish anything, write that book, find love, sort out that uncomfortable relationship, experience, get enlightened, live.

All those things are happening right now. Right now.

“Everything that seems permanent is in truth impermanent and will be smashed….Right now, in this very moment, you stand on sacred and holy ground, for that which will be lost has not yet been lost, and realizing this simple thing is the key to unspeakable joy….Everything is present.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

Even the imagined future I would get with more time is not somewhere in the future as a good-feeling moment.

Despite having this amount of time I have….

….or perhaps because I have limited time, lost time, no more time….

….I can slow down, even to a halt, and feel the gratitude of absolutely unknowing impermanence, the thank you for this day, now, and nothing more.

No more time required or necessary.

How very exciting!

Much love,

Grace

October 9, 2016

Be a life artist: question “it’s always been this way”

This past weekend I sent a Grace Note out that said a free inquiry jam session (people dialing in to do The Work) would be happening at 7:45 am. On Saturday morning.

Only, the free inquiry session had already happened, the day before, on Friday.

Because I got quite a few emails of confusion, people trying the link and finding “this event is OVER” (yep, already happened the day before) I decided to just do it again on Sunday morning.

Let’s do it a second time!

It was great.

Someone had a particularly important question at one of these inquiry sessions.

That is….can you start doing The Work with Question #6 on your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet?

Question #6 is the last one you answer, as you sort through your stressful situation, the situation bringing you deep pain.

You’ve already written down what you want, what should or shouldn’t be going on, what advice you’d give, what you need in order to be happy. You’ve described what you see in that situation, about the other person or condition.

And then, at the end, you get to make your big grand WISH and dream statement in Question #6.

You get to write down the thing you never, ever, ever want to experience again, if you had your way.

The inquirer who was thinking she’d start her inquiry on a situation described the dilemma. Her issue had to do with her mom, and money, all rolled up into one. Her answer to question number six was “I don’t ever want to want what I can never have.”

Now, there’s nothing wrong with seeing this thought arise. There’s nothing wrong with writing it. It’s a powerful, deep, grand thought.

It’s so liberating to be able to write a thought like this down, when writing your worksheet. I notice the mind thinks it anyway.

I’ve had this thought myself.

But what I suggested is if you start right there, at the end with the last Big Global Assumption, you might cover the whole world, and cover a lot of ground as you consider your inquiry, but it could very likely be too big, too much and too wide to really “get” a clear answer.

You can’t really dig into it, and the truth of reality right in the middle of that terrible and difficult situation.

So we went backwards, up to what she wrote in other parts of her Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, and we worked one of those, first.

I find, it really is easier to start at the top of any given worksheet, and move down through the questions, one by one.

So, why not go to the big kahuna thought right away?

I’ll give you an example from my own life.

Last week, I was far away from home, listening to a wonderful teacher, gathered with pretty amazing, thoughtful people. We were contemplating much about the history of culture, especially western culture, the people who fought and warred and battled, and the people who fled, and the people who immigrated, and the movement of beliefs from one to the next generation.

I had the thought…”wow, times have always been troubled. Humans have always suffered. People have always been at odds with one another, had to navigate conflict, fallen asleep, failed, given up, been tortured or sad or despairing…”

I raised my hand.

“Haven’t people always been troubled?”

What came back to me from our wise teacher was the most fascinating suggestion: basically, to question that thought. Even if the venue, the format and the tool or model was not The Work.

I realized right then….inside, under, around this believing in trouble, was a Big Kahuna Global thought I was assuming to be true without even questioning it: I don’t ever want to live through severely troubled times, ever.

If I had begun this investigation by questioning the belief “I don’t ever want to live in troubled times” I probably wouldn’t have challenged the belief that these troubled times have ALWAYS been here.

If I turned the thought around immediately, without considering what I’m honestly thinking of as troubled….I would find these turnarounds which are done a particular way for Question #6: “I always want to live in troubled times. I’m willing to always live in troubled times. I look forward to always living in troubled times.”

Always troubled, never un-troubled. Always rough waters. Always at war. Always, always.

Very painful. Quite harsh. Hard to feel hope, joy or peace in this moment right now, if everything is “always”.

So I loved being guided back within, by following the simple steps I already know, to the first thought instead….times have been troubled for humans….always….how did I get this idea?

What is my specific proof, as I hear stories of history, some of whom are my own ancestors? What does this mean about me? What does it mean about my future, or the future of my neighborhood, or this city, or the planet?

Troubled times are intolerable, relentless….and have always been here.

Is this true?

Hmmm.

Woah.

Are you saying?…

You mean, I could be wrong? It’s not always this way for eternity backwards in time, and it may not be this way for the rest of eternity into the future? It may not be inevitable that trouble means The End and something I must avoid or can’t handle?

Are you sure troubled times are “always”?

Well. No. I just thought….

….because of learning and reading and hearing stories of the past, and listening, and being with people and their words, and because of my feelings when hard things happen, that trouble is “always”.

I’ve got so many examples.

But I can’t know this means it will be forever, and it already was forever, or that I can’t tolerate it, or that it’s relentless. I really do not know.

How do you react when you believe “it’s always been this way (troubled)”?

Soooo sad. Trying to think positive. Quick do The Work so I can stop thinking of this despair. Trying to solve the problem, or, the reverse, giving up and hiding under the covers. Searching the globe for answers, for hope.

Reaching, seeking, worrying, hiding.

Who would I be without this story that it’s always been this way….Troubled, relentless, agonizing?

Who would you be without the belief you’ve always had trouble with “x” or been in conflict with “y”?

Wow.

Boing! (Like getting bonked on the head with a foam mallet in a cartoon and hearing the “boingggg!” sound).

Without the belief or the thought, I’d be noticing that troubles come and troubles go, and there are spaces in between of peace, or freedom.

I’d notice I’m inspired or motivated by troubles.

I’d see all sides and angles to the troubles….not all-devastation all-the-time.

I’d wonder what I can do, in the midst of “troubles”? I’d wonder what happened along the way, with curiosity and an open mind, that created persistent troubled times?

I wouldn’t be in denial, trying to seek a mystical untroubled place Somewhere Else. I’d be here, now, maybe even with a breaking heart and a full heart, but here.

I’d talk with others about these troubles, I’d contribute more, I’d connect honestly. I’d question my thinking, I’d turn my thinking around.

It has not always been this way. It is not always troubled, now.

My thinking is troubled, my viewpoint is troubled….about myself, about this world, about the human condition.

Could these thoughts be just as true, or truer?

Could it be possible to see clearly, notice suffering and devastation and difficulty, but not give up “forever”, not find it intolerable, not think there is No Solution possible?

Yes.

“Out of the cacophony of random suffering and chaos that can mark human life, the life artist sees or creates a symphony of meaning and order. A life of wholeness does not depend on what we experience. Wholeness depends on how we experience our lives.” ~ Desmond Tutu

It hasn’t always been this way in the past, therefore it won’t always be this way in the future.

Now that’s exciting. That’s being a life artist.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Come join the group this upcoming week, we’ll squeeze you in when you can attend, or start with us on October 23rd for the nine-month journey with others in Living Turnarounds. When we question trouble, always…we find love in action, now.

October 6, 2016

Lead yourself to peace (+Seattle group starts soon)

bonnechereriver — *peace like a river: letting the four questions lead you… (like my Bonnechere River view in northern Ontario last week)*

This morning 7:45 am Pacific Time, join from anywhere in the world for 75 minutes of The Work of Byron Katie. Use your phone or computer to connect. To join me, click here.

There’s nothing like doing The Work with other people, whether it’s one person, or a group, or an auditorium.

Long ago, when I went to the 9 day school for The Work (March 2005) I was a little startled at all the people milling about and entering the huge hotel conference room.

We were handed beautiful red roses, one for every person, a bag with a notebook and materials inside, a name tag that went around our necks, and ushered into a huge room filled with chairs.

Part of me also thought….oh good. There are so many people here, I won’t ever have to actually talk. I am definitely NOT taking the microphone.

I sat near the back.

Each day, I slowly moved forward in the seats until around Day 5 I sat in the very front row, in direct view of Byron Katie and the front stage and all that might occur in the front of the room.

Just this move was a big deal for me, I was so shy.

Many brave people asked questions, and I would think “I don’t have the guts to raise my hand and speak up….and I have no questions anyway.”

This didn’t last….I later raised my hand at another event, and shared, and read my worksheet out loud to the entire audience, and even did The Work on stage with Katie. But at that first school, I was super quiet.

I still learned a ton.

I learned so much, even without sharing, that my mind was literally blown open and I left a changed human being, from that point forward, never to go back to all my old ways of thinking. I also left grateful for every single person who spoke up, stood up, told the truth, asked questions, and did The Work with Katie out in the open, whether they were afraid, or not.

The power of other peoples’ work, and their sharing and raised hands, has made all the difference in my life. It kept me moving forward when my head was completely foggy and I had no idea where to go next with my own work.

Listening is deeply transformative.

And it sure is different than sitting in your own same-old thoughts you don’t seem to break away from or question when you’re on your own. I had such a hard time doing The Work in my own brain, and connecting with others sank it in deeper every time, without fail.

In just a few weeks, the Sunday monthly deep-divers group is beginning again, like last year. This is a three hour group, like a little mini retreat once a month, for people who want to dive deeply into the group and connect with others for support.

We’ll be focusing on living turnarounds. That is, making shifts and changes and wondering about what it really looks like to be without our stressful thoughts, one thought at a time. We’ll be taking what we find in The Work, and bringing it into action in our lives.

People can attend the Sunday Deep Divers group one at a time, or you can sign up for all 9 months all at once. This is a closed group, not a drop-in group, but it’s totally OK if you see you can’t attend them all (please let me know which ones you can).

Please see the exact dates of our groups and read about it here.

We had a brilliant time last year, such a sweet way to connect, get to know others, and stay in The Work….and on a Sunday afternoon, how cool is that? (Not a week day evening).

People come from fairly far to attend, and this group is limited to 14 participants. I’ll offer guidance for people to facilitate one another in between sessions (you can sign up for every time we meet) and you can be assigned a partner every month, or opt-out, based on what works in your schedule.

You can do The Work on what comes between you and a peaceful life. We’ll do some great exercises in inquiry, and learn and grow together. All materials and handouts are supplied.

If you register for the entire Deep Divers program, you get a significant discount, the equivalent of missing two sessions for no charge.

The commitment to every session is not required, you can check your calendar and see which groups you can’t make, and then pay per session ($65). However, if you are not available to register for the full program of 9 months, please let me know by hitting “reply” and I’ll put you on the list for those only able to attend on a part-time basis. I’ll be filling spots with people wanting the whole kit and kaboodle first.

The whole program is $450 for the year, through June 11, 2017.

Can’t wait to see you….our first group is Sunday, October 23rd 3-6 pm, and everyone is welcome, whether you’re a beginner or experienced and everything in between.

Check the dates here and I look forward to serving everyone who comes in this powerful process called questioning your painful thinking, and changing our lives.

“After my life changed in 1986, I spent a lot of time in the desert near my home, just listening to myself. Stories arose inside me that had been troubling mankind forever. Sooner or later, I witnessed every concept, it seemed, and I discovered that even though I was alone in the desert, the whole world was with me. And it sounded like this: ‘I want,’ ‘I need,’ ‘they should,’ ‘they shouldn’t,’ ‘I’m angry because,’ ‘I’m sad,’ ‘I’ll never,’ ‘I don’t want to.’ These phrases, which repeated themselves over and over in my mind, became the basis for the Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet…..You’ll put each written statement, one by one, up against the four questions and let each of them lead you to the truth.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Local Year of Inquiry members attend for no extra fee.

September 26, 2016

You do not have to be good.

depressionbrickwall — Are your thoughts about yourself creating a brick wall of suffering? Who would you be without your negative thoughts….about you?

This past weekend I had the privilege of being with a small group led by someone who has had first hand practice in The Work of Byron Katie for thirty years: Katie’s daughter, Roxann.

My favorite thing about her story and her insights was describing how she used to do The Work with her mom, and Katie would say “you can’t harm a human being and not feel the effects….and YOU are a human being.”

In other words, when we tell ourselves awful, nasty, vicious things, when we’re harsh with ourselves, when we do things we find dishonorable or out of our own integrity (even with no one else around)….

….we feel bad.

And it’s amazing how powerful the Self-Attack Voice can be.

I once heard Annie Lamott, the beautiful writer, call it radio station KFCK.

Something happens, you’re triggered, you turn on the radio, you find the channel, you tune in, and here comes a constant stream of “I hate you” language, followed immediately by “you suck” feelings.

Yikes. It really hurts.

And of course, what I always used to do with this voice constantly talking in the background (sometimes screaming), was to do everything possible to make up for my wrong-doing, to improve myself, to fix me, to become a better person, to eliminate the negative (and when this didn’t work….eat, or whatever escape mechanism of choice was available).

It’s a lot of work.

Instead, what if we invited that voice to come in for tea, and we questioned it instead, or had a more civilized conversation?

I know, I know….we’re inviting in a crazy screaming person, but what if they’ve been screaming because they’re trying to help, and we’ve been ignoring them?

This morning, I noticed when I woke up…..wait, what’s that sound?

I hear something in the other room. Do you hear it? Oh my….yup. It’s that radio station I just mentioned!

It’s saying: “You should have finished the outline yesterday, you’ll never get your project done. You have one day to finish laundry, have you packed yet for your trip tomorrow? No, I thought as much. Leaving things until last minute again. You didn’t read the whole book, either, the only homework required for the program. You try to do too much. You don’t do enough. You haven’t meditated recently. Why’d you buy organic jelly beans at the grocery store?”

So today, let’s slow down and be with this voice, directed to ourselves.

I like asking these questions, when it comes to this voice: What is this voice most afraid of? What’s it trying to ultimately accomplish? What’s it worried about? Why does it think you should follow it’s directions? What’s the worst that could happen, if you don’t?

I sit and consider the answer.

You can do this right now, if you want.

Pause.

What’s that voice really scared about?

I’m failing. I’m not good enough. I can’t ever do it right. I’m not worthy. I made a mistake. I am abandoned. It’s possible to be banished. I could die.

I notice this feeling is like a gut wrench right in the middle of my stomach. My chest feels like dust is stuck inside my lungs. My body feels tired. I feel nauseated. I feel like giving up.

I feel very, very sad.

And what if now, we asked some simple, yet deep, questions about this kind of voice, energy, judgment, conditioning?

Called The Work.

First question: Is it true that you are personally not good enough, unworthy, or need to be somewhere else? Are you sure you can’t feel love and joy for yourself, that you made a mistake?

No.

If you answer “yes” then be sure to ask the second question: Can you absolutely know this is true without a doubt, for all time?

No.

Even if you say “yes” keep going.

Next question: How do you react, what happens, when you believe you should have done it differently, you’ve got something “wrong” here, you’re unworthy of acceptance and kindness in this moment?

How do you react when the way you are….scares you?

I notice I feel small, tight, closed. I feel like a victim. I actually behave like a victim of my own KFCK radio station as it plays on.

A few weeks ago, someone in the brand new Year of Inquiry group wrote to me and said how overwhelmed she felt about beginning this work as a constant practice, because as she wrote her worksheets on other people, and turned everything around, it all came back to herself. She’s doing it wrong. She’s got the qualities of “badness” she’s seeing in others. She’s screwed up.

But as Byron Katie says “turnarounds should feel like a kiss, not a slap!”

These attack-thoughts, or outward-movement thoughts, are only there and alive because they’ve been passed along and it’s the way you learned.

A “Fear Based Religion” as Roxann said this weekend.

I’m believing in fear, I’m believing fear will “make” me snap out of it, pull it together, and shape up! I’m believing that fear will make me change, or wake up. I’m 100% positive I’m asleep.

I’m forgetting the power of love, acceptance, and open hands, not tight fists. For some weird reason, it seems easy to forget “love” as the power. We’re not familiar with this way. We didn’t learn it. We’re not sure we can trust it.

And yet.

Who would you be without your story you’ve done something wrong? Who would you be without the story you need to fix yourself, or wake up, or be any different, or shape up, or prevent terrible things from happening?

Who would you be right now in this moment, as you read these words and consider “being” without believing anything’s wrong with you whatsoever?

Again, it may be time to pause.

Feeling what it’s like to be without the thoughts that something’s missing, something’s wrong, something’s bad, something’s off…..about you.

Without believing your thoughts of self-condemnation….

….you may just have a good cry.

Turning these thoughts around: I’m succeeding. I’m good enough. I constantly doing it right. I’m worthy. There is no mistake. I am connected, I am love. It’s not possible to be banished. I am living.

All is well. I am safe. No mistake. No mistake. No mistake.

Turning it around: My thinking is failing, not good enough, constantly believing in wrongness, unworthy, making mistakes, believing in banishment, believing death is terrible and to be avoided.

And what if this is good news, that my THINKING can’t find answers, or fix everything, or correct all potential emergencies or problems, or make everything better?

That’s a lot to put on the energy of “thought”….right?

What if something else is here, besides all the frantic, chaotic, mean thinking? Simply being.

Simply being.

Who are we, without the story that we have to believe our thoughts?

I noticed, as I inquired this morning….silence.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.

You do not have to walk on your knees

For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You only have to let the soft animal of your body

love what it loves.

Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Meanwhile the world goes on.

Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain

are moving across the landscapes,

over the prairies and the deep trees,

the mountains and the rivers.

Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,

are heading home again.

Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,

the world offers itself to your imagination,

calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —

over and over announcing your place

in the family of things.

Much love,

Grace

September 24, 2016

Do endings, loss and death mean…..it’s true?

Work With Grace — Who would you be without this sad, scary story?

Have you ever known someone close to you to become ill, get injured, or find out something devastating?

Yes, everyone’s had this kind of moment in life.

“Dad’s got cancer.”

I remember hearing these words from my mom.

A panic began to rise inside, instantly.

What does this mean? Wait…what? What kind? What happened? Why? What’s going to happen?

The mind is filled with pictures, imagination, possibilities, trying to grab information desperately.

A huge NO fills the body. No, I can’t take this. No, this can’t be happening. No.

When the “worst” thing happens, it’s shocking.

When my dad was receiving treatment for leukemia, which lasted about two years, he was sometimes very sick, sometimes better. He lived just about exactly the length of time they anticipated. The doctors knew so much about the disease, and trying all kinds of ways to make it go away. To fight it.

That was a long, long time ago in my life experience. I was in my twenties, living pretty close by to the big house I grew up in.

I didn’t have inquiry, but my mind had so many questions. Constant questions. Disturbed questions. Questions I had no answer for, couldn’t answer.

Many years later, when I discovered self-inquiry and The Work by reading Loving What Is, I thought….

….well, it’s good for feeling angry and upset with your neighbor (judge your neighbor, right?)….

….but I didn’t even imagine using The Work for situations of life and death.

But then, I was in a weekend workshop with Byron Katie, never having successfully “done” The Work after reading her book, and I recognized one of my greatest, deepest, terrifying, sad, frustrations in life was…..death.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I had a very weird and troubled relationship with loss, change, things being temporary, endings.

The biggest ending of all being “death”. The biggest “neighbor” I wanted to judge was loss, death.

I had something, and now it’s gone. I have something, and I will lose it.

My health, my boyfriend, my wife, my kid, love, my life, my daughter, my house, my necklace, my guitar, my friend, my dad.

It was mine. I had it.

Now it’s lost. It’s gone. Or will be.

Forever.

This is hard for some people to think about. Well, I speak for myself.

It’s hard to look at these places that have been so painful. But oh so powerful for The Work.

Stay with me here, and let’s do it today.

As you see those things, places, times or people you lost….

Is it true you lost them?

Yes. All gone.

Are you absolutely sure? Do you know this in the most deep, absolute way?

Are you positive the energy, love, kindness is lost? Are you sure it’s gone, just because you can’t see it or touch it? Are you sure everything about it is completely 100% gone?

Do you need it to be present physically, in order to be happy?

Wow. No. Not really.

I should still have that person, that thing, that other situation.

Is this true?

Who would I be without these thoughts?

Who would I be without BELIEVING these thoughts?

I notice no thoughts hang around 24/7 without one single other thought coming in for a visit. There are seconds, moments, of other thoughts.

The day my father died, I am quite sure I drank water. I went to the bathroom.

Probably several times. I was capable of having that thought to get up and go. It appeared. I went. People brought food. I ate a little. I breathed. I spoke to my sisters and my mom. I stayed. I was there, holding my dad’s hand as he died.

Who would you be without the belief you lost her? You lost him? You lost it?

I’m not saying something profound didn’t happen. But I love how I like to write about my dad’s death, as I feel the tears sometimes still arise, “it was unbelievable.”

That’s what we say about profound moments, eyes-wide-open moments, present moments, astonishing moments.

Unbelievable.

Turning the thought around: I did not lose my father. I will never lose him.

I lost myself. I lost awareness.

I believed I couldn’t survive loss. I believed there was nothing here, remaining, with myself. I believed I had something, it was mine, and now it’s gone.

Who would you be without your story of losing?

“It’s your body–can you absolutely know that that’s true? That’s a very old concept. ‘This is mine. I say so’….It’s not yours. Just because you believe it doesn’t make it true. When you know that you’re not that, you can sit back and watch.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story

Could this be also the case for my father? My house? My childhood? My earrings?

Not mine in the first place.

And not required for living, or loving, or happiness, I notice.

Today, can I find evidence for how I gained, how I received, how I lived….instead of the opposite customary sadness?

It doesn’t mean “trying” to be positive and fakey or plastic or thrilled about death or loss.

But I have discovered, with The Work, it’s miraculous to wonder who I would be without my stories of death and loss, and to find examples of joy, acceptance, receiving, kindness, even benefits for what has happened….

….and maybe even though I apparently lost….I also found.

Maybe all my thoughts about death and loss are….

….unbelievable.

Much love,

Grace

September 22, 2016

Are you playing the game “pass it on”?

fooretreat Old memories. Scenes from childhood. Flashes of color, sound, movements. Feelings.

We all have these kinds of memories. Even if you’re one of those folks who says “I can’t rememberanything from my childhood.”

You still might have pictures floating through your mind’s eye of mother, father, grandma, great grandfather, first grade classroom, best friend, doll house, TV show, sister, brother, cousin, chicken pox, Narnia, pet.

But it’s true, the mind can’t really remember exactly what happened, or even see it with crystal clarity.

How do we work with foggy old scenes and memories? And why would we want to in the first place?

Well….no one has to go back in time that far, especially if you just don’t have a clear picture anyway….

….but one thing I noticed while doing The Work for awhile was I got a feeling within when thinking about family, or places I lived, or the walk to school.

Sometimes very pleasant, sometimes nostalgic, sometimes….

….awful.

Now, we know with The Work, the first step is to identify a moment in time, a situation filed in the mind, where something happened that was unpleasant, uncomfortable, or really distressing.

This invitation isn’t new with The Work.

There’s wisdom in revealing, unearthing, seeing, looking directly at the things that frighten us. Humans have done it for decades, maybe centuries, as we’ve examined suffering, love, and peace, and life’s meaning. There’s even power in telling a story, and having it heard by others (especially without trying to solve it).

The awesome thing about The Work is….looking at the story in such a deep way, you’re able to question your assumptions.

Why is this so powerful?

Because sometimes, those assumptions are not true.

Yes, the event happened. Yes, those people said those mean words. Yes, it was so unbelievably difficult, your heart broke into a million pieces. Yes, you felt loss.

But THEN what happened?

What I noticed is, I’d make conclusions about the Whole of Life because of what my dad said, or how my mom acted.

I didn’t stop to question the truth-for-all-time.

Guess what happens when you assume that the way reality exists around you MEANS the WHOLE world is like this?

You suffer.

At least I sure did.

Wow, better be careful out there. You can hurt grown up men’s feelings really easily. Grown up men are kind, loving, sad and depressed. They seem really sweet when they wear wire-rimmed glasses and read lots of books. Tread lightly around men, though, they could easily be sad and needy.

Wow, better be careful out there. You can hurt grown up women’s feelings really easily. Grown up women are caring, involved, give orders, don’t take no for an answer, and have high and very intense standards. Make sure you pay attention to what they want, and give it to them. Otherwise, they’ll write you off, or get very angry.

Just a couple of examples.

It seemed like my mind could generalize like nobody’s business.

I was swimming in the influence of the people immediately around me, and then started having contact with others of course, and adding to the files of “What Life Contains”.

Without any questioning, you can go on being careful forever.

When I lived like that, I always had to find my little hidey hole, like a tiny crab, and put up a few walls around me so I was safe.

It was a lot of work.

It resulted in lots of anxiety if anything appeared in my reality that was unusual. It resulted in lots of running away from people who scared me, or not saying “no” or “yes” clearly to others or myself. It resulted in lots of compulsive behavior like overeating and isolating. It resulted in lots of trying to find answers for how to feel peaceful in life.

Now, don’t get me wrong.

The honest truth is there is no Always Peaceful All The Time on the human level for most of us. Right?

If a big loud bang happened right now, my eyes would suddenly jump from my laptop, I’d go open the front door and look outside, my heart might race, my mind would wonder what was going on?

If I was on the deck of the Titanic and it was going down, I’d probably be trying to find something to float on.

But who would I be without the belief that what I’ve experienced in this story of life….

….means “be careful” or “this is forever sad” or “I can’t get over it” or “death” or “all is lost permanently” or “this is the way it is and it’s horrible” or “Emergency!!!!!”?

Who would I be without my story, without the story of my history?

What if I went back to my old original founding stories, and imagined that whatever has happened, anything at all (but especially anything frightening), is not totally intolerable, or a warning of what is to be avoided, or what could be worse?

Who would I be without one thought from the past, just one thought at a time?

I notice it doesn’t mean I SHOULD be without any thoughts (this would be another interpretation or assumption that would be somewhat disappointing)….

….it just means I’m not entirely overrun by my mind, and “thinking”, and the sad or scary story I am so sure is true.

I’m free to Not Know.

What if what happened with the people around me when I was really little, with a mind gathering information and making comparisons, and filing Safety Rules….

….was not such a sad, terrible, difficult, horrible story?

What if I could turn it around, with this brilliant thinking mind, and use my imagination to see benefits, or support, or love, or silence, or that I’m still alive?

I have found questioning these ancient stories, some of them go back to ways of being that existed before my family. My mother’s parents, my father’s parents, and their parents before them….

….all kept saying “watch out” and “be careful” and “life is horrible”….

….”pass it on”.

What if I could stop passing it on, by questioning these stories?

It doesn’t have to be so big, either.

Just one thought at a time.

“No one told me there was a way out, short of death. I thought you had to die of this body to get out of this….Think about the torture your mind has been sometimes, and there’s no way out. These people who kill themselves, they have no other way of dealing with it. And for me, when I had no other way of dealing with it, it looked like an act of mercy…And I came to see through questioning my mind that there’s a whole other way out. So I really stayed with it, and I found my way out.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story

If you want to question your stories, especially about the past, we’ll be doing it in October right where I live and work in northeast Seattle in Goldilocks Cottage (named by my friends when I moved in).

It may be easier than you think.

Four days. Learn more about it here.

Much love,Grace

September 18, 2016

Relationships are hard.

Someone in Year of Inquiry sent me a great question the other day:

How do I do The Work on my feeling that Relationships are Too Hard?

I just don’t want to even try, because….too hard.

She meant love relationships. Partners. Romance. Attraction.

It’s so interesting how the mind does this….It comes up with huge broad statements about All Love Relationships.

We all do it.

The thing is, I replied to her, you may not find much satisfaction or clarity or awareness if you simply question this general thought “relationships are too hard.”

There are a few steps, first, that make the work far more personal, deep and effective.

If you do this first step, you’ll get your personalized prescription for happiness (which is what you so long for in the first place).

Here’s the step, which I suggested:

First, write down, like you’re journaling just for yourself, why you think relationships are too hard. So hard, you’d prefer not to have one.

Where’s your proof?

What is your evidence for them being so very hard….so difficult, troubling, confusing that you’ve concluded (or a part of you has) it’s not worth the trouble?

Byron Katie asks this question…”where is your proof??!”

Stop being so general.

Notice what your own experience has been that tells you they’re hard, all these love relationships.

What’s so great is….a few hours later, this lovely inquirer replied back that she had done her first-step work.

She had a list of moments or situations in primary love relationships that appeared to be hard.

But mostly, her former marriage was the hardest of all.

That one.

That one was so hard, it seems it would be better to never have had it. Many bad memories, painful experiences, moments of feeling criticized, blamed, hurt, unappreciated. It was especially screwy when it came to money. And this was a huge big concern with other relationships.

The next step?

You can write in your journal again: Make a list of incidents, situations, communications in that previous marriage that were “hard”. If money is involved in your “hard” moments, then find situations where you’ve got proof.

Really hard. Horrible. The worst.

Now….you’ve actually got your real “proof” of truth….your proof of why relationships can be so hard. It’s specific. It’s crystal clear. it’s vivid.

Relationships are hard because “this” (see bad picture in your mind) happens.

This kind of looking helps you find the entry point for The Work of Byron Katie. You need a specific moment or situation. Now you’ve got one.

As you picture the one difficult exchange, incident, situation in your mind….you can write your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet without editing, without holding back anything.

The Judge Your Neighbor worksheet will be golden, as you write about these situations so full of suffering, sadness, difficulty, and your “proof” that relationships are hard.

I know it’s “hard” remembering these situations in the first place….

….but when you complete The Work from start all the way to finish….

….the hard becomes easier.

A flashlight gets shined on the darkest, murkiest, foggiest places and you see specifically, personally, what the truth really is for you in those situations.

And when you “see” there’s less suffering. And less.

It’s worth it.

Because only then, can Relationships become easy.

Which they are.

My “thinking” about relationships was the hard part.

“There’s only one thing harder than accepting this, and that is not accepting it.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

For help on any relationship, and going in for the real, deep work….come to Breitenbush Hotsprings in December for 3 days. Find out more right here.

Much love,Grace

September 12, 2016

There isn’t enough

notenoughmoney Have you ever had the thought, while looking at your bank account statement….

….this isn’t enough?

Haw.

Almost laughable to ask the question. Because it seems like everyone’s had this thought!

But when you really think about it….

….it’s a weird thought.

It’s all murky and foggy and has a never-ending feel to it and it can’t be proven true. A big blanket abstract thought. A generalized, common, broad thought. A very stressful thought that brings a lot of suffering

And a completely acceptable thought.

As in….of COURSE you should have the thought this isn’t enough.

Now, we’re talking about money, but pick your thing there isn’t enough of and follow along with this inquiry.

Love, enlightenment, wisdom, health, pleasure

Because it’s unusual to question it. We often just assume it’s true.

In the past, when I had this thought from time to time about money, I honestly had no full regard for why I had the thought, how I arrived at this thought, when I started believing this thought.

It was just a reactive experience I picked up:

I need more. Duh.

Danger Zone. More is better. Danger Zone. I’ll have to pay. Danger Zone. I’ll lose what I have. Danger Zone. The future is NOT bright.

So let’s explore. You’ll love this investigation about money, no matter how much you have, if you’ve ever wished for more and felt a little nervous…..or scared out of your mind.

First of all, when you look at that number, that pile, that quantity of money, you immediately go into what it is supposed to support and cover and get spent on, right.

You may have a general sense of the flow of money going in, going out, what the mortgage or rent bill is, what the utilities are every month, what you generally spend on groceries for your household, gas, transportation, clothing, bus fare, your annual meditation retreat, one plane ticket, a local art class, gifts, toothpaste.

But what if something terrible happens?

What if I lose my health care benefits? What if I can’t work anymore? What if someone sues me? What if someone steals it? What if I make a poor investment?

I gotta keep this, in a bucket, in a safe, under the mattress, in a special safe-deposit box with a key and about eight password codes and security guards.

What I noticed was….I did not find it very peaceful to worry about money. I did not find it peaceful to wish the quantity was bigger than it was, or that it remained at a certain number, or never got lower than “x”.

I wanted freedom.

I noticed I was not free, in that moment of thinking “this isn’t enough”, even with some money in my savings.

Well….for me, I had to lose it all first (almost all) before being willing to find freedom. You might want to inquire a little earlier. Just a suggestion.

So. You don’t have enough.

Is that true?

Yes. Oh yes. I would be so much happier with 10 times more than the amount I have, I’m sure this is true.

Wait, make that 100.

I would feel safe with more money. This isn’t quite enough. If anything happened…..

Is that really, absolutely true?

Is it absolutely true I’d be better off keeping my ginormous-mortgage house? Is it absolutely true I need to use money to go to retreats? Is it absolutely true I need money to pay for broken things, lawyers, or accidents in the future? Is it absolutely true I need extra money right now, in this moment?

But.

A car could crash through my front living room picture window. I saw it in the movies.

Ten years ago when I sat on my worn-to-a-pulp brown faux leather 1960s couch believing I needed more money in that moment, I thought….

…..well maybe not right now, since I’m breathing and fed and comfortable….

….but it could happen. I need to be prepared.

(Don’t even THINK about buying a new couch. Remember the money!!)

Who would you be without this belief, though? Without believing in needing more, in being prepared, in working and saving up and hoarding, er, I mean storing, money, so you can relax….later?

Deep breath.

Hold still a moment.

What if you didn’t believe there isn’t enough, or won’t be?

Look around.

Oh. I’d feel….curious. Relaxed.

I’d feel joy.

I wouldn’t count the money I have, over and over.

I’d feel so grateful for the amount I have, it’s just the right amount. It prevents too much retreat-going or self-help shopping. It allows me to say “no” clearly to my kids or others.

“Yes” and “No” are both free to be spoken. It’s efficient. I love paying for what I need, and if there’s leftovers, having fun with it or saving it for fun, too. I love supporting myself in what makes life precious, and exciting, like my meditation retreat.

Wow.

Turning the thought around to the opposite: this is enough.

Obviously. I’m not dead.

I’m quite able to relax. I have enough to survive, and always have.

My thinking isn’t enough, that’s what isn’t enough. I don’t have enough of “me”. I don’t have enough friendliness, love and affection for myself. I don’t have enough gentleness and trust towards the universe. I don’t have enough humor, zest, pizazz and lightness for myself, me, this, my thoughts, my future, my precious life.

Especially when it comes to money.

What if right in this very moment, it was enough? Nothing missing?

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”. ~ Walt Whitman

Can I like myself, and this moment?

Yes.

And if I don’t…..The Work.

If you need to get by with a little help from some friends (including your own thoughts), join the October retreat in Seattle. Four days of inquiry. It’s awesome.

Much love,

Grace

September 4, 2016

It didn’t go my way

Eating Peace Core Basics Teleclass starts Thursday, September 8th. We meet from 9-11 am for 3 consecutive Thursdays, then skip a week, then another 3 Thursdays. Please visit here to find out more and to register.

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angry — This shouldn’t be happening! I have plans!

The truck is borrowed and in our driveway. The hard plastic storage bins are purchased in various colors, ready to be filled with what we want to keep. All the cans of old paint are piled ready to be taken to the hazardous waste station. I’ve started a pile of dump items in the middle of the back yard; completely broken chairs, moulded car seat covers, pieces of broken tile and pipes from the bathroom project several years ago.

I’ve asked my two young adult kids, and husband, to mark Labor Day weekend in their calendars for this massive overhaul work party instead of a family vacation.

That old shed is getting cleaned out, and moved to a different location in the yard. The garage is going to get smashed down, and rebuilt into a living space in the not-so-distant future.

I’ve got my sleeves rolled up. This is gonna be very satisfying!

I wake up the day before this three-day weekend full of clean-up plans, to pounding rain on the roof and a few of the plastic storage tubs filling with rain water.

Then my son calls and says….”I’ll be over soon, but I’ve really only got one day tomorrow. I’ll do the dump run, I’ll do the Goodwill run, I’ll stick around until evening….then I gotta go.”

Then my husband says….”Hey, I found a dance hall that’s OPEN on Saturday morning, so I booked it! We’ll still offer our weekend dance on Labor Day weekend!”

Then my daughter says….”I got invited to Amy’s cabin on Lopez Island leaving Saturday night. I’ll work on the garage, but I want to go!”

WHAT??!!!

No one else is taking this clean-up project seriously. They are not going to help. They are too slow. They are too busy. They don’t care. I have to do everything.

Arrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!

Have you ever had plans, and one thing after another happens and it appears the plans you had, are not exactly going the way you thought?

When you make plans….they should THE WAY PLANNED.

Is that true?

LOL.

Oh my, that is funny. Have you noticed how often things change or go unexpectedly? How often the image of the future picture is not like we thought, at all?

The other day as I noticed this thought pouncing in to my mind like a tiger, ready to attack everyone in sight for not caring, not being helpful, or for being too slow….

….I kind of chuckled.

Because almost simultaneously, I thought….oh.

Hmmmm.

How could it be a good thing, this isn’t a three-day extravaganza of laboring, but instead, only one?

Maybe the way this is going is just right. Maybe I had all this desire and plans for the way it should look, but it’s not going that way for a good reason.

Sometimes, plans and visions in the mind appear to be interesting, or desirable, but they aren’t going to happen in just that particular way, in that particular order.

And what about plans for activities that aren’t so “perfect” and ordered?

Like the plan to skip class, avoid that person you are afraid to speak truthfully to, quit your job, marry that girl….

….or what about the plan to smoke, eat, drink, calculate, steal, force something to happen that doesn’t feel good, yet you want it anyway?

The demand to have something happen can be coming from a place in you that’s like a little toddler, or desperate, or filled with this-must-happen energy….

…..or a plan can be coming from a place in you that is more, balanced, open, willing to be flexible, and doesn’t know what’s ultimately going to happen (and OK with that).

It doesn’t matter what you’re planning, really.

If you feel furious about it not going your way, you’re going to suffer.

Here are two questions I love to ask, if I notice I’m feeling anxious (or enraged) about “my” plans not going the way I want them to:

1) What am I afraid of happening, if these plans fail? What’s the worst that could happen?

2) What do I think it means about me, about other people, about this situation, if the plans do not go as I hoped or wanted?

Sometimes, I thought plans needed to go a certain way for me to feel worthy, successful, “good”. Sometimes, I thought plans need to go a certain way so I could avoid other big dangers, and to protect myself.

But what if there’s a middle way to be with plans and planning?

As I’ve heard Byron Katie mention and speak to this process of being aware of the future: If I know I’m going on a trip, I pack my bags. But I have no idea if I’m really going on the trip, until I’m on it.

Very funny, very odd for that mind that loves plans.

So today, after only one “working” day, and another in silence, writing, bicycling and only a wee bit of further clean up….

….I can see how feeling and being and noticing who I am without the mindset “they shouldn’t have cancelled, we all should be cleaning, they are too slow, this should be finished….”

….is better than I ever could have planned.

“When you make plans and replay them in your mind, you may be projecting that the future is going to be more important than the now. But it’s not. Being one with what you’re doing, is being totally into what you are doing “now”. The energy is not diverted from what you’re doing “now” (planning) and into the future. What you are doing now (even if it’s planning) is this, here, now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle in conversation with Oprah Winfrey on video

So even the activity of planning happens, then we get to see what really happens, trusting reality, speaking up if it’s right, sharing.

I enjoy the alive, present activity of planning, if planning is called for and feels right.

I notice my legs and feet were so tired Saturday, they were throbbing by 9:00 pm. Everyone pitched in gloriously, and I loved everyone knew what they wanted to go off and do for the rest of the long weekend, enjoying themselves.

I’ve gotten a break, and writing time.

Now, I notice, is sweet. The emptier shed (not completely empty yet). The space for a dinner date with my husband, rather than working. The writing of this Grace Note. The opening of my fall calendar and noticing some items to “plan” for.

Peace, here now.

Even as a house project is apparently unfinished.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Speaking of planning….I’m sharing my Eating Peace video today even if you have no interest or concern with eating issues, because it’s about so much more than eating. You have to plan, is that true? You have to avoid something, is that true? The only way to stop agonizing about something is to succumb to it….is that really true?

Watch here.

September 1, 2016

Meet your thoughts with simple understanding (7:45 am today)

In just a few hours at 7:45 am Pacific Time….monthly morning meetup to do The Work of Byron Katie for anyone in the world!!

A few minutes before we begin, you’ll have the option of joining with WebCall (you’ll be able to speak and be heard) or WebCast (listen only from your computer) or simply dial in with your phone.

We’ll question our thoughts until 9:00 am. Inquiry Power Hour (plus 15 minutes). No matter where you are in the world, you can connect for free.

Join Me Here!

If you’ve got a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet already filled out before the call, it can really help.

You’ve already spent that pre-meditative time focusing on one single situation, like a movie with the pause button pushed, when you felt emotional pain.

Answering the six questions on the Judge Your Neighbor (JYN) offers you a way to clearly identify what you believed in that exact moment.

Sometimes it’s super difficult to write down these thoughts, much less read them out loud.

It feels so childish, embarrassing, revealing, vulnerable.

But it’s worth it.

It’s OK to take your time doing The Work, but I highly recommend sharing your thoughts, your mind, and your inquiry with another person, or a group (like we will today at 7:45 am).

It’s so sweet to notice, you’re not the only one who thinks such things. You’re not the only one with these stressful thoughts.

Your work is my work is our work.

Come join us–no one has to share, and the call is not recorded. Your presence makes a difference, even if you don’t feel it’s time to speak out loud.

And if you do, thanks for your courage.

Let’s do The Work!

“What we are doing with inquiry is meeting our thoughts with some simple understanding, finally. Pain, anger, and frustration will let us know when it’s time to inquire. We either believe what we think or we question it: there’s no other choice. Questioning our thoughts is the kinder way. Inquiry always leaves us as more loving human beings.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Much love,

Grace