Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Sick body or sick thinking?

Oh dear.

I have a sore throat coming on. Swallowing hurts.

Doing The Work on physical illness or pain can be powerful, especially when it’s not necessarily scary (you know it’s very temporary)….

….you just don’t like it.

Some people exclaim when they feel sick “I HATE this!”

You shouldn’t be sick.

Is it true?

(Is this thing on?)

(Like you’re a stand-up comedian wondering why the audience is absolutely stone silent after your question “is it true you shouldn’t be sick”?

Tap the microphone. Is this thing on?)

Of course it’s true! What are you talking about? You think I like this? Who wants to be sick, I mean….is that even a question that can be asked on this topic?

But can you absolutely know you shouldn’t be sick, when you are?

Um. No. Reality shows me, I’m getting a bad sore throat, and seem to have the urge to sleep and lie horizontal.

How do you react when you believe you shouldn’t be sick, or have the condition you have, or feel the physical symptoms you feel?

Not only do I feel physical pain, but I also feel depressed. I see pictures of all the things I won’t be getting done. I press on even though it hurts. I keep my eyes open. I work another few minutes on taxes, or emails. I take extra medicine. I don’t rest.

Some people have visions of themselves dying, or going to hospitals, or suffering horribly when they believe they shouldn’t be sick. They scare themselves.

But who would you really really be without the belief you shouldn’t be sick, when something is here and it’s called “sickness”?

I’d sleep. I’d still feel relaxed and happy, even with a sore throat. (True). I’d feel content. Trusting that oh, this is the way it’s going today. Got it.

Nothing so terrible about having this physical symptom come along. Nothing immoral, nothing I did incorrectly or wrong. All very well indeed, even if I never woke up after I went to sleep with aching ears and throat. (I know that’s a little dramatic, but heck, let’s go all the way with this feared thing).

Slowness has always been in my life. It’s called going to bed at night. Physical pain has come and gone.

Eventually, I’ll be expiring altogether. This body will shut down and tucker out. There might be pain involved. I have no idea when it will occur. Even if I had an illness that wasn’t going away, I can question my thinking.

Thoughts aren’t exactly reliable.

Turning the thought around: I should be sick.

Now….remember. This isn’t a reason to load yourself with guilt or mean words or what you deserve. Why, even with great compassion, are you aware you should be sick, when you are?

Can I find examples for this severe cold?

I just slept for 9 hours without moving. I’ll go to bed this afternoon and rest, and read a book I’ve been meaning to continue for weeks. I’m looking forward to inquiry soon with everyone who comes to Tuesday call in Year of Inquiry (so amazing we can all be in our PJs at home if we want). I feel very slow, and all ideas of moving through tasks feel completely unnecessary and relaxed.

Turning it around again: my thinking shouldn’t be sick.

So true. It gets feverish, sore, unstable, needs to go to sleep, off-balance….especially when it comes to the body and disease. So serious. So intense.

Now, a true sense of being, with nothing required, appears in consciousness. This is it. No need for concern. No need for extras. No need to Get Stuff Done.

I’m reminded of this as the most beautiful part of life. Letting go. I trust I needed the reminder today.

“If you’re experiencing pain or discomfort or confusion around [anything, anyone] just investigate your thinking. Ask four questions, turn it around, have a happy life.” ~ Byron Katie

Yes, even with a disease or physical ailment.

Why not?

I notice, it’s possible to feel the beauty of this moment in a quiet, gentle way. Rain pattering down outside, birds singing, heater whirring, early morning white cherry blossoms through the window.

Thank you, world!

Much love,

Grace

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It’s easier to feel the wind blow than to wish it would go easier

In Year of Inquiry group we’re in our 8th month, and I’m loving the worksheets and thoughts members of the group are bringing to our sessions for inquiry. It just gets deeper and everyone’s insights are so beautiful.

Yesterday, we looked at a powerful moment, listening to one inquirer’s worksheet, but following along within, finding our own experience of the same thought she brought to the group:

“I want mom to make it easier for me!”

Has there ever been someone in your life you wish would just make things easier?

I mean, ai-yi-yi(!)

Why so much torture, suffering, irritation, anxiety, or sadness with that person? (And if it’s mom, this the longest relationship I’ve ever had with anyone-whether mom is living or died a long time ago. So why can’t my relationship with her go easier? Come ON!)

And OK OK, I know I have to work on myself to not react so quickly, but can’t they just try to (fill in the blank)?

Can’t they say kind words? Can’t they call me or email me or text me back? Can’t they stop being so demanding? Can’t they quit criticizing me? Can’t they clean up their mess?

IS IT SOOOO HARD?!

Even if you think it’s absolutely true that you want that person to make it easier for you….

….it’s still very valuable taking this stressful belief through self-inquiry (which is what we found during the group Year of Inquiry call).

How do you react when you believe you want that person to make it easier? What happens?

What would you have, if you got this easier lightness, instead of the hard way they always do it?

I know someone who cut me off once, after a close intimate friendship had formed. No communication, no response, no direct explanation, lots of confusion. I still think about her regularly, and it feels sad. I love her, she was a great friend.

She really could make it easier if she sent me a note, or called me and left a message, or reached out even the tiniest bit. I wouldn’t be left with a feeling of grief and foreboding, or dread and disappointment.

I wouldn’t be left alone with my own thoughts over here. I’d feel more connected. I’d feel love. Not anger. I’d have some peace, when it comes to her and everything that went down.

If only she could make it a little easier….I’d feel relief! I’d feel innocent! I’d feel open! I’d feel loved!

But am I sure I couldn’t feel these things now? Am I sure I want her to make it easier, so I can feel these better feelings? Am I sure her making it easier is possible, or required, for me to feel happy?

Well….no. I guess not.

FINE.

Who would I be without the belief I want her to make it easier for me?

Hmmm. I’d notice how it’s fairly easy already. I never make contact with her and she’s not in my life, only in my thoughts. I actually go many days without having her cross my mind, ever.

Without the thought I want her to make it easier, I notice what’s easy here, already, about this relationship. I notice what’s easy about this moment, even if there are thoughts about this “difficult” person.

Turning this thought around: I want ME to make it easier for me (especially when it comes to this person).

How could this be just as true, or truer.

Well, the things I’ve wound up making easier for myself, without the help of others, have been amazing learning experiences. I do want to ease up on my own mental criticism, expectations of life and mothers and other people, and most of all, expectations of me that are practically beyond human.

It’s of great value for me to be in the presence of anyone, including those hard-to-be-with people, and feel OK. I love questioning my thoughts. I love finding out what I thought was true, is not.

Turning the thought around again: I want me to make it easier for her.

Ooooh. Wait. Yes I do. I want to touch everyone in this world with clarity, trust and love. If I make even the tiniest difference, I feel grateful. If I can make it easier for someone like even my mother, or my friend I mentioned who supposedly cut me off…great. And, I see it’s also not required. What a relief.

Finally, this mind-stopping turnaround: I do NOT want her to make it easier for me.

Holy smokes…really? Because….

Stop. Don’t go into justification, explanation, telling your story about if only she would make it easier, blah blah blah. Just consider how this turnaround might be just as true, or truer that her making it easier is NOT necessary here.

Well. I signed up for the Olympics of internal freedom and happiness. What does it take for me to find peace in the presence of anything and anyone? What does it take for my own enlightenment.

I’m interested in that. No matter how hard.

Another inquirer said to me today she notices great learning comes most often from friction. Heat is created out of movement. From energy to fire to suffering to questioning to peace.

I also see how the toughest things in life, I wouldn’t erase from my experience. How do I know those hard times, difficult moments, and people who dish up stress for me, aren’t my greatest teachers in the world? So far, they have been.

Who would I be without the story that I want anything to be easier than it’s been?

Willing. Surrendered. Caring. Loving. Grateful.

Wow.

“There’s nothing out there that can oppose you. There is just fluid motion, like the wind. You attach a story to what you perceive, and that story is your suffering. I am everything that I have ever called other people; they were me all along. Everything I ever called my enemy was me….All enemies are your kind teachers, just waiting for you to realize it. (And that doesn’t mean you have to invite them to dinner). No one can be my enemy until I perceive him as threatening what I believe.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg 230

Much love,

Grace

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Did you make a mistake?

Yes, it’s true. I made a mistake. I omitted the actual TIME of First Friday Inquiry Jam from the last-call announcement.

Fortunately, many people had already seen the Grace Note the previous day which DID have all the details….but not everyone.

Have you ever made a simply mistake, or omitted something critical, or written the wrong date in your calendar, or gotten someone’s email or phone number mixed up?

It’s shocking how often it happens.

Just this past weekend someone in my neighborhood sent out a last-minute email saying “tickets are still available! Hurry!” about a big fund-raising event. No date, no time of the event (it was that very night). Just like me.

So many little errors, mistakes, missed details.

And sometimes, people can get really upset about these kinds of things, have you noticed?

“What a dunce!” you might say to yourself.

“This screws up everything!” you mutter.

“How could I have possibly missed that editing error?!!” you yell.

Or, you do it to others who have made the very same kinds of little non-life-threatening “mistakes”.

But what if you questioned this belief about ANY mistake that ever was made, by you, or anyone?

This is super fun….let’s take the ride, I think you’ll enjoy it.

Is it true it was a “mistake”? (Think about one, big or small, that you’ve really thought of as wrong, that would be waaaaaay better if you had corrected or caught–or just a wee tiny bit better).

Are you absolutely certain it was a mistake?

I can’t be sure, myself. It seems like it’d be better if people knew what time to dial-in or connect last Friday….but I be absolutely 100% hands-down certain?

No.

How do you react when you think a mistake has been made?

Shouting at the culprit! Whether it’s me, or someone else!

What if it’s your kid, dropping and breaking something? What about a co-worker getting the meeting time wrong? Or how about the hotel mixing up your reservation, or the airline losing your bag?

Do you have a hissy fit and want to blame or attack?

Yikes! It’s rough having this approach.

What if you couldn’t have the thought at all that it WAS a mistake, an error, an omission?

Kind of funny…..but without the thought, I’m not anywhere near as upset. The blaming thoughts relax. There’s no one to blame. There’s just ideal version of the outcome, and THIS version of the outcome….and I notice I have no real idea which one is which.

Turning the thought around is even MORE fun:

There was no mistake, error, omission, wrong-doing.

Wait….what?

But what’s the evidence for nothing really go wrong? How could it be OK that it went the way it did? Are you sure without this supposed mistake that it would have gone better?

I notice, for my situation, the First Friday call was still quite wonderful. Usually only 2-3 people get to inquire anyway, in 75 minutes. Many people love simply listening in, and there were over 18 people there.

What’s the reality of it? I received about 5 emails from people asking for the time….so they were wonderfully helpful, and I now know clearly to check in the future! Also, people will probably remember 7:45 am PT next month on the First Friday (which I intend to keep consist for a long time into the future). And I now know, too, there’s loads of interest in this monthly live call. I can be of service this way.

Wow, there are so many good reasons why it was PERFECT that the time was omitted.

And what a different, and exciting, way to look at the whole picture: that instead of a mistake was made, an adjustment or a gift or a wonderful focus of attention was made.

Or perhaps, in your situation, brilliant things came out of the “mistake” like awareness that the item was not necessary for happiness (in the case of losing or breaking something). Maybe an incredibly creative solution or idea came out of the “mistake”. Maybe it was the only way for two people to truly connect (to discuss the mistake) or because something got accidentally scheduled for the wrong date, everyone got a wonderful laugh together.

Who knows?

Another turnaround: a mistake made ME!

YES! That omission made me pay closer attention, allowed me to have several nice email conversations, reminded me I need to be very simple and share every detail with those who want them.

And I guess, weirdly enough, my omission created my own awareness of this thought that it’s possible to make a dumb mistake….and to take a look all over again and the genius of the universe for unfolding the way it does.

Maybe I have no idea of what fantastic things might come from any mistakes I’ve made…..but how marvelous to have the attitude that “mistakes” are actually corrections, and I’m not the one in charge. Thank goodness I’m not, because things have their way of going alternatively to my perceptions, and with inquiry, it’s usually better than I could have ever imagined.

“There’s no mistake in the universe. It’s not possible to have the concept ‘mistake’ unless you’re comparing what is with what isn’t. Without the story in your mind, it’s all perfect. No mistake…..Everyone is doing his job. No one is more valuable than another. The things in the world that we think are so terrible, are actually great teachers. There’s no mistake, and there’s nothing lacking.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Today, see if you can sit with the thing you thought was a mistake, no matter how terrible you think it actually was, no matter how frightening, dreadful, worrisome, dangerous, sad.

Because, this inquiry is for THOSE dreadful things that happen, too.

Can you find just a small example (start with one) of the viewpoint that it may not have been for nothing, it may not be so bad, it may not mean what you think it meant, that it had nothing to offer?

Was learning involved? Did you notice what was not required for happiness (it can be stunning to become aware that even someone living, for example, or staying married to you, is not required for your happiness).

Because just a wee bit of attention towards this turnaround way of seeing it….

….could change your future, your life, your world.

Really.

And if it seems a little daunting, because you’re thinking of something very difficult for you….just start with the first question.

That was the worst thing ever, a terrible mistake….is it true?

Much love,

Grace

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You don’t have to know how to stop dreading….a little secret

Have you ever felt awful….but you’re not even sure why?

Some kind of dread is awaiting for you around the corner. Something terrible will happen. It might not go well. You could make an irreversible, regrettable mistake. It’s going to get worse. It might be nice now, but just wait.

Don’t you get the shivers just reading those sentences?

And sometimes, they’re exactly the kinds of thoughts we have about the future that make the future seem dark, sad, depressing, troubling.

But it’s not really the future that’s any of those things.

It’s now.

Funny how the mind is so incredibly powerful, you can think thoughts about the CHANCE of bad stuff occurring….and feel anxious.

The other day I worked with the most adorable young inquirer who was no longer dating because of the chance of drama in a future relationship. Two others hadn’t gone so well.

She was interested in relationship, in relating, talking, connecting, being close…..and yet, didn’t want to risk getting hurt.

People experience this when thinking about finding a new job, moving to a new city, traveling. Heck, if you’re a big huge introvert like me, you might think with a mild form of dread about an upcoming social gathering, even a party that’s supposed to be fun.

It might be loud, surprising. I might see people I haven’t in a long time. It will be over-the-top on excitement level. I’ll get overstimulated!

Whatever your thoughts, you’re anticipating something might not go well just a wee bit, perhaps a little disappointment….OR…Something terrible could happen!

Noooooooooo!!!

But who would you be without this thought? Without this story of terrible possibilities, or the unknown wild yonder in the future?

What if you were OK, right now, and if you get nervous….you could do The Work!

(Anxiety Bunny Voice scoffs….The Work? That won’t help prevent forest fires! Watch Out! This thing could go DOWN)!

So we’re not pretending nothing ever happens. We’re not being sugar-pop sweet and acting like we aren’t afraid of the dark.

We’re actually just really asking, WITH all those scary images dancing in our heads of relationships-gone-wrong or events-becoming-disasters or things-turning-out-bad….

….who would you be without your story of that image?

Are you safe in this moment?

Notice.

Oh. Come to think of it, I am.

I’m breathing, the air is fresh, I see no weapons of destruction anywhere in sight. My thoughts are only disturbed, not All of Reality.

Turning this “dread” around: Some kind of joy is awaiting for you around the corner. Something wonderful will happen. It might go well. You could make an irreversible, genius correction. It’s going to get better. It might be nice now, and just wait (exciting)!

Couldn’t all this be just as true, or truer?

Sometimes people say….but this is imagination, and pollyanna, and just like affirmations which are FAKE.

But I like noticing, the future IS entirely imagination, creative, and unknown. To think creatively of solutions, ideas, possibilities….feels so much more effective, powerful.

And when you really can’t stop dreading it (been there) then do The Work. Because we’re addressing our THOUGHTS here, not the whole of Reality….which is always mysterious and unknown anyway.

If you need to, do The Work on the worst case scenario you’re imagining might occur. Pretend it’s actually happened, write your worksheet, and go.

Is it true?

“What I love about The Work is, it never asks you to drop [the story]. It doesn’t even imply that you should drop it. That’s the power of investigation. It’s not my business to drop a story. Mankind’s been trying to do that for centuries! It doesn’t work. So don’t even go there. Letting go is an outdated concept. But investigation–self-realization, realizing for yourself what is true–dispels the illusion. So I’ve got this little secret, and everyone’s welcome to it: I inquire.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story pg 272

And the best news of all?

You don’t have to know how to get rid of the dread, or stop being an Anxious Bunny or figure out how to be more positive. You’re being lived, as Katie says.

You don’t have to know how.

I notice I sure don’t know how….and it’s turning out better than I ever imagined.

Much love,

Grace

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Mind out of control

A friend deep in thought held a pencil in his right hand with the eraser pressed against his bottom lip, and a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet in his left hand. His brow was furrowed as he stared at the worksheet.

“This just isn’t right. Maybe it’s more like ‘he should quit bullying me’ instead of ‘he should quit insulting me’. Yes, I think that’s better.”

Placing the JYN on the coffee table between us, he furiously erased one word, for the tenth time, and replaced it with another.

I had said “What if you didn’t worry about the concept being perfect? Does it really matter what the specific words are or the exact thought?”

But it continued to be complicated.

He couldn’t stop thinking, wildly fast, worried about every next thought.

As he spoke quickly about that painful moment he remembered in time with his dad….he would mention another scene, an entirely different moment.

“My dad ALSO ran a furniture business. He did the same kind of thing to his customers as he did to me!” There was talking about what it was like in the furniture store growing up. Then another scene popped in, from age 14 instead of age 11. Lots of proof of this dad being a nutcase and hard to deal with.

Lots and lots and lots of proof.

Lots of sentences started with “he always would do x” or “he would always act like y”. Words pointed to these things constantly happening, repetitively.

This is the way that person is (or was). Always.

At the time, I had only been doing The Work more deeply, for about six months, and we were trading a session in facilitating each other. While I loved one-to-one sharing with most humans, I had no idea what to call this “problem” of becoming frantic and perfectionistic about The Work itself.

As it turned out….I would see it from time to time in other people as I became a facilitator professionally and dove into doing The Work more and more.

I have to identify the right thought. I have to identify the right moment. I have to explain, describe, search for the ideal moment to do The Work on. I have to “get” this. I must clearly find my negative and stressful beliefs and delete them immediately. NOW. This needs to go deep! I need a revelation! I need to fix my thoughts, and I can’t do it unless I find the right ones!!

LOL.

Now, there’s nothing wrong with slowing down and taking a very good long look at an uncomfortable relationship moment. It’s a powerful reflection. Sometimes there are many, many moments with one person in your life who’s been disturbing (so it seems). Helpful to review them, notice what your mind sticks to as it sees trouble in your life with that person.

In the case of my friend doing The Work, he was looking at a long history with his dad and feeling like the entire relationship was full of pain, sadness, hurt (and love, too, of course). He was also absolutely sure this father of his was a major problem and “made” him act nervous for the rest of his life.

But here’s a very funny awareness I saw somewhere along the way as I continued to look at the amazing process of doing The Work and undoing stressful thinking about all of life: the mind LOVES to fix problems. And it has to assume there is one in the first place, in order to take off with the task of doing what it does best: analyzing and solving problems, telling stories, finding explanations for what is.

But what if doing The Work isn’t about finding THE problem thought, or problem situation, or problem origin?

What if there’s nothing magical or mysterious or complicated about it at all?

What if the primary underlying stressful belief is “there’s a terrible problem here”? And then taking that sentiment through inquiry?

Or…even more simple, what if my primary problem is the result of thinking there’s a problem: I feel bad.

Whether it’s afraid, sad, angry, enraged, resentful, terrified, desperate. BAD, BAD, BAD. Mildly Bad or Horribly Bad. Doesn’t even really matter. (I also notice the mind loves to scale the experiences from 0 – 10 or categorize them from 1 Slightly Annoying to 10 Horror Show).

The process moves like this:

a) Something happens

b) You believe it shouldn’t have (in other words, it’s a problem)

c) You feel bad

d) You see image(s) in mind afterwards of the thing happening, maybe for many years and you keep trying to solve the problem

e) You continue to prove to yourself how it shouldn’t have happened and use the mind to discuss, analyze, review, tell the story, hunt for peace

Whew. Doesn’t that mind seem to have a life of it’s own?

But what if we just let go of the hunt for the solution, and followed the simple directions of doing The Work?

GASP! The mind can’t do that…what are you talking about?! Not try to find an answer to this predicament?

No solution required? But. But. What will I think about with my genius brain if there’s no problem? Huh?

Yes.

We’re simply taking one memory in time and writing down our thoughts about that situation, unedited. It really doesn’t even matter what the words actually are. I’m against that person, that energy, that event, that experience. Life is hard, and here’s my proof (show never-ending scenes to self of those disturbing moments in time).

No need to explain or try to figure out who made the mistake in that moment, or the perfect way to word it so I get the right answer.

What if there really indeed is No Right Answer?

The mind hates that!!

But it sure does make it easier to sit with a memory and write down the thoughts you have about it, if there’s no wrong way to do it.

For me, over here, looking at that person who is so sincerely trying to find the right wording, the right concept, the right way to say what was happening in his situation….

….I can also question that what I’m seeing them do isn’t right. A waste of time. Unnecessary. Over-analyzing. Perfectionistic. Anxiety-Riddled.

Is THAT true, that my friend is over-anxious, trying too hard, working at this with too much vengeance, demanding perfection?

No. That’s not true either.

The reality is, he’s thinking wildly, he’s taking off on tangents, he’s telling stories, his mind is going….and, I have no idea if that’s “wrong”.

In fact, I’m pretty sure, it isn’t.

How do I react with the thought he shouldn’t be drowning in his thoughts of getting it right, and upset about the grammar and wording as he does The Work?

Open minded about this process.

Trusting he’s getting what he needs in this moment, as I speak up, or don’t. Noticing I’m not in charge. I can move and flow with his sharing, and say what I did about not trying to get it so perfect. He will hear it, or not.

Turning this thought around: my friend is NOT over-anxious. He’s just right, sincere, committed. I’m over-anxious about HIS over-correcting. I’m over-concerned about “problems” for myself, just like HE is. I’m assuming there’s an easier way to do it, and a harder way….when everyone may have their own path. (They do).

I look over at my friend, without the thought he’s making it harder than it needs to be….and with the turnaround he’s just right as he is….and I notice how dear he is.

I notice how some beautiful inquiry happened, and he’s relaxing slowly but surely as best he can. Just like me.

“Eventually, mind discovers that it’s free, that it’s infinitely out of control and infinitely joyful. Eventually, it falls in love with the unknown. In that it can rest. And since it no longer believes what it thinks, it remains always peaceful, wherever it is or isn’t.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

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I have created a world where enemies are possible

Still some space in the May retreat for commuters only. We’re almost full, but if you’re considering, there’s still room. 26 CEUs for mental health professionals through Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work. May 11-14.

Breitenbush is starting to fill and this is one where the choice housing sells out fast (little gorgeous private cabins). Read about it HERE. Only one more month for early bird rate. (27 CEUs). June 21-25.

Being With Byron Katie July 8-11 on north Capitol Hill heart-of-Seattle private little home. 4 bedrooms, big kitchen, and simple large living room with excellent seating. Bedrooms available for those who wish to stay overnight (very low price compared to alternatives). Total silence for 4 days onsite, with two 3-hour sessions of streaming Byron Katie live to us from Switzerland. Only $185, probably the most inexpensive way possible to spend time with Byron Katie. 24 CEs for Certification Candidates in Institute for The Work. “The highlight of my entire year” ~ Summer 2016 participant.

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Do you see yourself as the victim of a circumstance or situation or an interaction with someone?

Even the teensiest tiniest bit?

Because I’ve found, when I feel this way even just a wee smidgeon, the mind will take off so fast on how that person, or reality and life itself, Done Me Wrong.

Seriously, did you hear what she said? Oh, and that’s nothing. One time a man I know hurt me by….And then there was the time I broke my leg, hurt my back, got yelled at….Oh and also she betrayed me, it was terrible.

The mind kicks in with a story (or now that you’re asking, 100 stories) and goes from zero to 260 miles per hour in 4 seconds flat on how terrible, awful, horrible it was and I’m still getting over it today. It sets records with stories of being a victim and that person doing you wrong.

At least, that’s how my mind has run.

It’s not easy. And it can be incredibly frightening.

You see how you were hurt. Maybe over and over again, like some kind of weird recording loop getting stuck and playing repeatedly. A haunted house.

We’ll say to ourselves DO NOT THINK ABOUT THAT…MOVE ON!!

But no.

It’s right here in my consciousness, in my psyche. I’m thinking about it when awake at night.

I’ve received a few emails and had some individual sessions lately with beautiful inquirers who were really, really afraid and have experienced some pretty intense trauma in the past.

Can you do The Work on these dreadful situations? But they’re so frightening! How could asking four questions handle that heart-wrenching experience?

The astonishing thing is….I’ve found The Work CAN handle these experiences.

I mean, what else really is the problem except my thinking about it?

Because the event, the person, the situation, the circumstance….

….is actually over right now, in this present moment.

If you have trouble even thinking about going back to the difficulty, the pain, the terror, the trauma….here’s one thought you can question right now:

“I can’t handle this!”

People come with this thought in the eating peace program about a moment of compulsion all the time, but really it arises for many in all kinds of situations.

I can’t handle this feeling, this memory, this awareness, this incident, this image, this experience. I seriously Can’t Handle It. Don’t make me!

So before we even start questioning the thoughts about who did it and what happened and what you believe about what happened, if you notice great fear rising up about even doing The Work on something….let’s do The Work on this first thought, OK?

You can’t handle it.

Is it true?

Yes. This ruins my whole day. I just want to be over it, and never think about it again. I’m making myself sick about this. I HATE this memory. I want it to turn OFF. PLEASE. I’m getting tortured here. I really can’t handle it!!!!!!!!!

(Lots of exclamation points).

But can you absolutely know this is true that you can’t handle it?

Look around.

Where are you?

Are you being held up by the ground, the floor, a chair, a bed perhaps? Are you breathing, even if you think you can’t breathe?

I can’t know it’s absolutely true. I notice I’m handling it, even if it barely feels like it. Even if I’m scared to death.

How do you react when you believe you can’t handle it?

Totally freaking out.

Body full of resistance and tightness. Resentful. Defensive. Anxious.

So who would you be without the belief you can’t handle this?

Here you are in this situation: human remembering a painful event. Full of feelings. Flooded. Paralyzed (you think). But entirely without the thought you can’t handle it.

I know it isn’t comfortable.

This isn’t the blissful experience of being without thought.

Notice what’s actually true, though. Even if you have a nervous breakdown (or you could call it a huge crack and shift of consciousness). What I notice is you CAN handle it.

You already ARE handling it. You HAVE handled it.

Here’s a way that’s worked for me, to be with this wondering of who you are without your belief you can’t handle it: imagine your left elbow or your pinkie finger, or your skin.

These parts of you as a living entity handled it. You weren’t running, or needing to control, or being the manager of your pinkie finger and whether or not it could handle it. Maybe you aren’t running your mind either, as it dives off the diving board into fear. It’s just being itself, trying to protect and make sense of something.

The same mind can answer questions….it LOVES questions. It loves getting simpler, and finding answers.

You CAN handle your feelings.

What if they are here to help out? What if they’re suggesting you have some brilliantly powerful work to do?

Turning it around:

It can’t handle me.

How could this be as true, or truer?

“We perceive something as an enemy, when all we need to do is be present with it. It’s just love arising in form that we haven’t understood yet. And questioning the mind allows beliefs to simply arise. The quiet mind realizes that no belief is true, it is immovable in that, so there’s no belief it can attach to. It’s comfortable with them all….Projection would have us see reality as a ‘them’ and a ‘me’, but reality is much kinder….If there’s anything I’m afraid of losing, I have created a world where enemies are possible, and in such a world there’s no way to understand that whatever I lose I am better off without.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 230

That thing I perceive as so traumatic? It can’t handle whatever this “me” is. This me is vast and expansive. This me is mind and thought, life force, presence, awareness. This me is consciousness, being human. Undefinable really. Mysterious.

The thoughts are puffs of smoke like those little exploding mushrooms in nature. Poof.

If I looked into a basket of my thoughts about that terrible trauma, I’d see air. Nothing. It’s all flashing images of a magnificent creative mind, re-member-ing. Attempting to tie things together, that aren’t actually together.

It’s OK that this mind tries to make sense. The mind itself is also not the enemy. It is a friend, bringing an offering, for inquiry.

It can’t handle you.

That’s truer.

Much love,
Grace

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Death: if you don’t have a belief about it, you could just as well be filing your nails

I jolt up in bed in the middle of the night, heart racing and adrenaline pumping through my whole body.

I can’t feel my entire right arm.

It feels like it’s dead, no sensation, like a hunk of meat or someone else’s arm.

A minute after sitting up, looking into the dark room gathering my bearings, I feel pins and needles coming all through the arm. I cup my left hand and tap up and down the right arm, realizing it fell so asleep it was completely numb as if with anesthesia. A minute later I start to open and close the right hand fingers. They can move again.

My heart slows down. I lie back down in the dark room, listening to the sound of my sweetheart breathing deeply next to me in the soft bed.

All is entirely well. It was here, then over so quickly.

But I still think about it in the morning when I awaken again at the “normal” time (this time without any adrenaline).

What was so alarming for the body? It was almost like there was no thought, only pure panic.

Yet, there was a thought. There WAS a belief.

There had to be, to have such a feeling of terror for a split second.

The mind is exceptionally quick. It takes in the situation and responds instantly, almost simultaneously, the minute it’s conscious of what’s actually happening…..when it believes the thing happening is a THREAT.

EMERGENCY! ARM IS DYING!

I had to chuckle.

Because it reminded me of doing The Work on death and dying.

I know it’s kind of dramatic–from numb arm to death–but that’s what the brain seemed to conclude. Survival mechanism kicked in. Red blinking lights and loud sirens! WAKE UP!

Now, I didn’t keep thinking of that fearful moment (it wasn’t frightening within seconds) and replaying the experience. It wasn’t pleasant, but the required function of yelling at the body to move, so it stayed alive, kicked in on auto-pilot. It’s what the body-mind does.

In my daily work….once it was the light of day….that arm situation offered some brilliant awareness of scary thoughts about being on the edge, thinking of dying, being aware of one more day today, and the miracle it’s even here.

Aware that I may not have another day tomorrow, and today could be the last.

There will be a last day, for everyone, including me.

Death is….frightening, mysterious and unknown, definite, sad, disturbing.

Shall we do The Work? On such a profound topic as death?

Ahhhh, yes. In many ways, every piece of work is about death, but for now, let’s inquire.

Is it true that death is frightening, disturbing?

I have absolutely no idea.

Most people don’t.

Not true.

How do I react when I believe death is frightening, disturbing…or sad?

I whimper. I associate heart-racing nighttime panic with fear of death, even though now that I’m inquiring about death, I have no idea what to even be afraid of.

With the thought of death as disturbing, I’m sad, wondering how long I’ll be here on planet earth? Wondering if I’ll die first or she will or he will, or what my deathbed will look like? Will I know before it happens, or will it be a surprise? (LOL).

Mind picks at it, wanting answers and throwing out ideas, but nothing is known, or certain. Except in the present moment, a feeling of disturbance and mystery and sadness, or worry.

So who would I be without the thought that death is disturbing, frightening, worrisome, sad, a concern?

Even in that moment when I wake up with my heart beating out of my chest for some weird reason because my arm died….

….without the belief death is frightening or something to be upset about….

….I find a sense of humor come forth.

I notice the velvetty beauty of a dark midnight awakeness, and silence, and the little sounds in the house, and the mechanism that wakes someone up physically to readjust an arm.

I notice not being so afraid of the pulse of energy in the body, and everything settles quickly down again, and I return to sleep.

Something alive and well, waking the sleeping mind up, if the need arises.

Without the thought of death being disturbing, then “close calls” can happen, or near misses, or little visitations about death, or illness, injury, sudden change, disease….and even these are not so distressing (or maybe waaaaay less disturbing, even curious) when death isn’t something to be concerned about.

Without death as a worry, I might notice the question “am I dying?” and the answer “nope, not today” while still being wisely aware that one day it WILL be the day. Always getting closer.

Turning the thought around: Death is NOT frightening, sad, disturbing. Death is beautiful, safe, joyful.

Could this be just as true?

Well of course it could.

“The Work is wonderful, because it leaves you with the real thing, beyond all answers. It leaves you with no concepts of who you should be. There are no models, no ideals; the goal isn’t to be wise or spiritual. You just notice what is…..If someone comes toward you with a gun and says he’s going to kill you and you’re scared, go ahead and run. That’s no less spiritual than any other reaction. But if you don’t have a belief about it, you’re free. You can run or stay–it doesn’t matter, because whatever you do, you’re at peace. Oh, you might think, he thinks he’s going to kill me. You could just as well be filing your nails. That’s freedom.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

This Thursday at 1 pm PT I’ll be over on Facebook WorkWithGrace page live talking about fear, of just about anything. Your questions are welcome so reply to this email and let me know what you’d like to ask about fear. No question to large, or too small, for this work.

Much love,

Grace

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Waking up to reality: love doesn’t mean saying yes

Have you ever been super scared of someone?

Sure, most of us have had that feeling or experience.

Someone did something, or appeared dangerous. Someone freaked us out in the past.

We feel stress, so we think “I need to do The Work on that person” and we do The Work on them…..and maybe feel lighter, more comfortable, and more aware of all that went down back then in that relationship.

But then what?

Should you call them up and explain your insights? Should you reconnect and share your part?

What if you’re not all that excited about getting together with that ex, or what if it’s not really appropriate to make contact, or what if they did something so crazy and confusing it would be weird or risky for you?

I had someone very, very close to me once make an anonymous secretive false legal complaint about me, reporting me to my state Department of Health.

It was magnificent for The Work. Such stress, pain, betrayal, fear, shock, worry.

As I questioned my mind, I understood she was doing the best she could with the information she had. It was so shocking, I never guessed it was her until several puzzle pieces came together and I practically gasped out loud and put my hand over my mouth when I realized who had done it.

I went deeply into The Work.

After working many of my thoughts like “she’s insane, she’s mentally ill, she betrayed me, she hurt me, she is dangerous” and many more…..

….I could see with crystal clarity that it was no one’s fault, and what a strange way for life to unfold, but not so bad truly. I learned so much, and came out better after the whole affair than before I went in. The whole thing was dismissed as it should have been, and nothing more was required.

But I had a letter prepared to send, even before it was all over.

Something felt off, though, as I read and re-read what I wrote.

I sent the letter to two of my closest friends, and my mother. And then, an important mentor I consulted about the situation said “do not contact her, this is not someone to approach, and there’s no reason to do so.”

I just knew he was right. And I still had one important leftover, raw, burdensome belief to question, underneath the anger and confusion towards this woman:

I need her to love me again.

It’s like some part of me just hated a person being out there thinking poorly of me.

Very sneaky little ego-ish thought.

Because, is it true? Do I need everyone to love me?

No.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

I reach out, I act very very kind or nice in an effort to manipulate someone’s perception of me, I bend over backwards, I twist myself into a pretzel, I pretend I care, I pretend I’m more loving than I actually am.

I write amends letters that aren’t genuine and shouldn’t be sent, trying to find resolve and forgiveness through begging, sharing, praising. I am not detached from the outcome.

Who would I be without this story, that she needs to love me again, and I could make that happen?

Phew. So relieved.

Knowing I will be open if she ever contacts me. Remembering and finding examples of how much I loved her, and our time together, and finding even now respect for her courage and passion to set that whole process in motion.

Turning the belief around: I do not need her love. I need my own, for myself, for the world and for reality (which included a friend sending a legal complaint). I really do see how safe I was the entire time, and supported, and encouraged like a little bird getting pushed out of the nest to grow. For this, I am actually grateful to that friend. Amazing.

Turning it around again: she needs my love. I see how true that was, when we were friends. I withheld, I wasn’t completely honest, I put the brakes on meeting times with my extreme introversion. It wasn’t the best match in the world for friendship.

Maybe I’ll send a letter, it feels like it’s getting closer to being a very clear, sincere act of integrity without an underlying need for love—but for now the greatest right action in this situation is peace and quiet.

“Let’s say I do The Work on someone, and then I’m invited by [them] and it’s authentic. I read the invitation and I feel the love for them…but if I know I don’t want to be with them, I say no. I have a right to live my life more productively than with people I don’t want to be with. I just simply prefer vanilla over chocolate. I’m so clear with it. No guilt. I feel a connection with the people in my world. But I’m free to say yes-no-yes-yes-no. I answer out of my own authentic experience. I’m clear.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Will your eating cause disease or early death? Are you sure?

Lack of eating peace comes along with more places than trying to be thin, have you noticed?

Sometimes, people experience great stress with eating that has nothing to do with thinness….but instead contains anxiety about perfect health, or longevity, or cancer prevention.

It’s no way to live, with such stress about certain foods, and the dictate to eat broccoli constantly, so you’re safe, and healthy!

(Although I do love broccoli, but let’s not get carried away).

Today, I offer you an interesting exercise that you might think is taking things a little too far: looking at the worst that could happen.

What is it (in your opinion)?

What are you most afraid of?

What pictures come to mind when you believe you need to prevent that future dreadful image of The Worst?

Watch here, and let me know how it goes to see who you’d be without your stressful story of eating and health.

By the way, I mention a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet in this video. You can download one for yourself right HERE.

Much love, Grace

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Behind the projector…our judgments of those neighbors

Everyone in the Institute for The Work: I’m about to teach Basics, a 5 week pre-requisite for telecourses at the Institute. Enroll quick, we begin on Monday at 4 pm PT. Sign up here.

And if you’re not in the Institute for The Work (training to be Certified Facilitator)…..FEAR NOT!

I’ll be offering a two hour course online soon, on filling out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, which is really what this Basics class is all about.

Isn’t this amazing that five whole weeks, 90 minutes each class, is dedicated to deeply learning how to fill out a JYN? It’s only the first, primary step of The Work, but as a first step, it’s so important.

Filling out the JYN is the way you identify your stressful thoughts.

Sometimes, you feel disturbed and awkward filling it out. It’s asking a lot. It’s asking you to be absolutely fundamentally honest about what mean, critical, angry, frightened or sad thoughts you had about a situation in your life.

We’re usually taught to do the very opposite!

I was told Not to say what I was really thinking, to hide my rude comments or judgments, to keep them to myself. When I heard things said about me that sounded judgmental, I was hurt and troubled.

This hurt feeling PROVED you should keep critical or judgey thoughts to yourself. They make people feel bad. Who wants to know what you’re thinking? Not me! I won’t tell you what I really think, either, and we’ll all be happy!

But. Suppressing and hiding thoughts don’t make them go away, unfortunately.

In fact, they often make them fester and grow. They turn into resentments, desperation, and addictive behavior.

So getting your judgements out onto paper, in writing, is a magnificent even if quite scary thing.

But it’s sooooo worth it. Because once you have everything written out in the open, you’ve got some amazing concepts to work with and take through this profound process called The Work.

There’s nothing like writing it down, slowing it down, going through each step one-by-one….not doing The Work in your head or trying to find shortcuts.

So today, if you’re concerned, anxious, furious or hurt by anyone in your life….first step?

Fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and DON’T HOLD BACK. Be blunt, direct, say it like it really is on the inside of your head. Be childish, petty, ridiculous, nasty, vicious. Dump it out. Download it through your pen onto paper.

Be real.

You will NOT get stuck there with a fuming, exploding JYN on your hands, because the next steps are to answer four questions and find turnarounds on each and every concept you write down.

Which leads to insights, ah-ha’s, awareness, possibility, freedom, clarity, rest, peace, neutrality, a lighter experience of something that seemed so very serious:

Imagining who you’d be without this story.

Heaven on earth.

“Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met with unconditional love….If you begin by pointing the finger of blame outward, then the focus isn’t on you. You can just let loose and be uncensored. You are the storyteller, the projector of all stories, and the world is the projected image of your thoughts.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace