Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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If you don’t get a job soon….are you sure about the worst that could happen?

One of the more frightening times in my life was when I had no money and had to find a job ASAP.

It felt like a major emergency.

I tried to sell my house (no takers, couldn’t sell it for even the amount I owed on it), I had been on 20 job interviews, I had borrowed $6000 from a family member, my credit card was at the highest level as I had used it for groceries, and I was late on a mortgage payment.

Things looked very bleak when it came to money and work.

When I asked people to share with me their top stressful thoughts a few weeks ago, I had quite a few sharing “I need to get a job”.

The urgency and fear around getting a job can escalate with our scary images of what will happen if I do NOT get a job. I’ll lose my house, my car, my possessions, my sanity. I’ll never recover from these losses. Other people might even suffer (if you have dependents).

As I did The Work at that time 8 years ago on my dreadful feelings of panic about not getting work, a dear friend and facilitator asked me a powerful question:

What’s the worst that could happen?

Not insanely-wild-imagination-worse-case-scenario…but very likely what could happen that’s really, really bad.

So for example, even if my mind might imagine I’d be dying of starvation on the street, owning nothing, my kids given away to relatives to be raised….I really deeply knew this simply would not ever happen. I know too many people who I love and adore and who also love me. I’d have places to stay most likely. I really couldn’t see myself dying of not having work or money. Not really.

But I could see a worst case scenario that I was indeed quite terrified could happen: I’d have to go live in my mother’s basement with my two kids.

I pictured having to wake up at 5 am to drive them miles if I wanted to keep them in the same schools with the friends they knew. I felt horrible imagining their lives being further disrupted (there was already a divorce, just finalized).

I pictured feeling burdened by living with my mom, that she and I would drive each other crazy. We’d fight over refrigerator space, or chores (like when I was 13). I was sure I’d be such a loser, I’d hate myself and had an image of never recovering, never really coming back from the divorce or the failure–even though I was only 44 and could live many more years possibly.

I had thoughts like “my life is almost over” and “I should have gone to medical school” and how my life so far had been a huge mistake, I should have seen it coming, blah blah blah.

That mind will kick into high gear with incredibly alarming voices, words, shouts, pictures, and the resulting feelings of panic.

I felt abandoned.

My primary intense thoughts: I need money, I need a job. This is horrible.

Let’s inquire.

Is it true?

YES! Can’t you see my bills?! (I thought at the time)?! How can you even ASK this question—of COURSE I need more money and I need a job in order to get it!

YESTERDAY!

Can you absolutely know it’s true you need more money, and a job?

Yes. I felt so sure. I maybe had a tiny sliver of awareness that I would still be breathing without money or a job. I could see that I still had a car in my driveway, some food in my cupboards, and a beautiful rug on the floor.

Honestly, I could see in that very moment that it was not absolutely, 100% required I get a job immediately, or I would die on the spot. I was scaring myself with pictures of a slow decline and death, failing miserably and never recovering. But I had no idea what life would really look like, and I could see I was OK in that moment.

So no, I couldn’t absolutely know I needed a job and money NOW.

How did I react when I believed I needed money and a job NOW!?

My hands were bunched in two tight fists. My whole body was tense. I couldn’t sleep. I had to pace. I was sick to my stomach and not eating so well. I was frantic when I looked at job boards, and combed through online HR departments. I’d change and re-change my resume. I’d ask myself “what am I missing?” and wonder where else I could try to find work. I’d apply to everything that even slightly fit my qualifications.

My attitude, at that time, towards work was that it was a sucky thing you had to do for money. Money was required, and this world was set up poorly because of it. I didn’t even really WANT to work. I had never had a fun job.

My beliefs were that jobs were dull, you had to do what the boss says, and you get rewarded for your compliance with money and health care. SLAVE for money.

Heh heh.

If I was on a dating site, thinking a relationship was a required pain-in-the-ass but you need it to survive life, like the way I believed I was forced to work full time to survive in life….I’d be the worst partner ever. Desperate.

So who would I be without this terrible, disheartening, frightening story that I needed more money and definitely must have a job?

Kind of weird to wonder about NOT having this thought, when it appears you have a stack of bills, and debt, and you might even lose your house, right?

But let’s do it anyway.

It’s just an exercise in meditating on this very stressful belief about having to have a job, like I’m forced into something–I’m very small and tiny and needy, and life is big and dangerous and has the security–but only if you work and are willing to do things you don’t even care about doing.

Who would I be without that terrible attitude? Without the belief I’ve been abandoned? Without the belief that life is out to break me down into a pulp? That I’m on my way to losing it all?

Woah.

Without that story?

Huh.

I could see in that moment of no work, and the resentment chip on my shoulder (more like the size of a small boulder)….

….my mind was surrounded by a suffocating dark cloud when it came to thinking about work, jobs, house payments, bosses, office buildings.

So could I really go there, considering what it would be like without that story?

What if I just got here from another planet, and had no reference for jobs, working, interviews, resumes, applications, boredom at work, having to do what bosses tell you?

What if I had no history to compare to? What if I was in this position and it was a game, like landing here for the very first time, putting on a human suit, and seeing what I might conjure up when it comes to this whole money-job thing?

Oh…that’s what it would be like, without this dreadful thought I needed a job in order to survive!

I could take a deep breath, clap my hands together, and say “I’m in!”

I might think about working anywhere, without judgment. Maybe I’d ask way more people about work, and different people than I’d been asking. I could make an announcement in places I went every day, like the dance I attended each week and was trading work for my entrance fee. Or at the grocery store check out.

Maybe I’d send an email to everyone in my address book, and basically if it was a game where I had to move quickly, I might hit the streets and start asking everyone I ran into if they knew anyone who needed help. Perhaps I’d talk to the people at the bus stop, all of whom were headed at rush hour to jobs in downtown.

More and more ideas might pour into my mind, if my attitude was open, unafraid. Even if I didn’t get a job, I would know I went down doing my best….and that alone would feel good. It would make a great story.

She lived in the basement of her mother’s house, but only after going to 100 job interviews, handing out her resume to people walking the streets of downtown, asking for everyone’s attention at the local coffee shop and with a loud voice and a smile, saying I’m looking for work. 

Turns out….I never needed to all of those wild bold things, but without the belief I need a job and money like an emergency, terrified…..my mind got very creative. How fun to begin to brainstorm, just like all the engineers on the ground in Houston who were putting their minds together to bring Apollo 13 back to earth.

That’s who I was without my belief I need a job in order to survive. Excited. Confident. Ready to die trying. Willing.

Turning the thought around: I do NOT need a job or more money. A job needs me! (Turned out to be true). I already have a job, which is to question my fear in that situation, and live more joyfully. I choose to find a job and have fun acquiring money, not feel forced and like a victim about it.

If it had been my last day on earth….would I have wanted to be freaking out because I didn’t have a job?

No.

I also imagined the beauty of the turnaround that I might go live with my mother. How could that be fantastic, like the best thing EVER?

I’d get to know my mom way more, in my 40s. She’d get to know these two grandchildren far better, my kids. We’d be getting to live in a 3-generation household. I’d downsize even more, and I love having few possessions and traveling light. I’d get to know a new neighborhood (where my mom lived) for daily walks. I’d do The Work on my mom and she’d do The Work on me, it could be brilliant for discovering and un-doing old beliefs about us both. I wouldn’t have a mortgage! I might find a job in that new neighborhood, maybe something I liked because I’d have more time to be selective.

If I don’t get a job soon, the WORST that could happen is having to move into my mom’s basement….turned around….the BEST that could happen is having to move into my mom’s basement!

Wow, that was starting to sound true!

When I got a job offer, only about a week later, I was practically disappointed I didn’t get to move in with my mom and take on that amazing adventure of being with her in a new and different way.

Can you find benefits for your worst fears coming true?

Can you feel the relief at not having the thought you Must Have a job yesterday? Can you find examples that you actually have a job right now….called questioning your suffering about work and money?

Who would you be without your story?

“My job is to delete myself. If there were a bumper sticker representing my life, it would say CTRL-ALT-DELETE: THEWORK.COM. That’s where I invite everyone to come join me. Join me and delete your own beautiful self. That’s the only place where we CAN meet. I call it love.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

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My thirty year old stressful thought about Breitenbush

Speaking of getting clear.

Someone texted me today to ask if there was space at Breitenbush. Oh yes. A handful of spaces are still available. You can call 503-854-3320 to find out all about it. Call, the old school way, with a phone.

I know the weirdness, by the way, of deciding to come to a group or event in person.

Jeez, so much effort. You have to buy plane tickets or bus tickets or train tickets, figure out the ride from the airport to the actual place, which sometimes seems to take hours, walk here, go there, wait here.

Then, you’re not sure if you’ll be able to sleep well, or who your roommate is, or what the environment will be like….and at Breitenbush, especially….don’t they have clothing-optional soaking pools?

And then what will The Work actually be like? Will I get somewhere and make progress understanding my stressful internal life? Will it make a difference, or be worth it?

So many stressful thoughts about getting from Point A to Point B. And stressful thoughts about what the destination will be like, once we’re there.

Will it be comfortable??! Because otherwise….(stressful thought, stressful image).

I remember hearing about Breitenbush when I was in high school. I don’t remember who told me. But it was definitely some kind of hippie naked wild place. Um. OK. I’m not so sure about the conditions of society, but that sounds a little too too. Not for me.

When Evergreen State College (part of the Washington state university system) came to present at my high school, they wore army pants and half-hippie half-grunge T-shirts. They probably hang out at Breitenbush. I will never go to that weirdo school where you invent your own program.

(I graduated from there later).

I never went to Breitenbush or found out much more about it.

Many years later, I was invited to teach The Work at Breitenbush by my friend Susan Beekman, who was closely connected with people who started Breitenbush for many years and who I met at The School for The Work in 2005.

So off I went, to this crazy place with its reputation of wildness in my mind for 30 years….to help facilitate a 4 day workshop.

I was surprised.

The place was extremely quiet, organized, respectful, private….and as gentle as imaginable.

Upon entering the parking lot after several miles of carefully graded gravel road through the forest, a beautiful check-in building awaited me, and every arriving visitor.

When you check in, everyone gets to pile their possessions and luggage into a big sturdy wheelbarrow with huge wide smooth wheels. You load your things into this giant cart which seems to move forward with the slightest touch, and make your way to your nest.

Many people stay in the little cabins (I always do as a presenter). Soft sheets, warm blankets await in your room in a bag delivered before your arrival. You’ll make your own bed, turn on the big beautiful old-fashioned heater filled with hot springs water (if you need it) and put away things in the built-in tall cupboards. I’m always reminded of Laura Ingalls Wilder, imagining my little cabin being the size of the one her Pa built in the 1800s. There are no locking doors. No keys. Nothing ever gets stolen.

A small desk with a lamp, reading lights above the beds, and a huge porcelain sink is in every cabin to greet you. For bathing, most people head to the shared large bath houses (womens or mens), for always-hot showers from the springs.

The air smells like cedar and pine, the soft earth below the feet makes little noise as you walk. The trees are gigantic, the air so fresh and sweet. Every night, even in hot summer days, its cool and dark and silent.

No cells phones work here. No internet is flying through the airwaves. This is an electronic-free zone. People need to drive about 10 miles to get cell service.

It’s un-hook time.

And oh what a brilliant place for The Work of Byron Katie.

We begin the evening of Wednesday, June 21 which is solstice this year.

Just saying.

Time for a break in the pattern, an interrupt in the usual story-telling inside the mind. A dissolving of the nightmare, if that’s what you’ve been having.

We sit, we write, we investigate the suffering we may have experienced for many years. Some people return to Breitenbush every summer, year after year. Some are brand new and ready to learn and DO The Work in earnest.

Apparently, I had a stressful thought. About Breitenbush. They’re a bunch of wild naked woo-woos. As someone said to me once…”tree huggers”. (I personally love trees and country and forest, so that particular label never sounded bad).

But I didn’t even have time to question that thought once I arrived. It simply wasn’t true.

Everything was perfectly cared for. The lanes and walking pathways were raked and lined, the people kind and respectful, the food absolutely delicious and filling. There’s no coffee served, so you have to bring your own or go caffein-free. No alcohol and drugs anywhere on the grounds.

And guess what? No one is required to go naked in the hot springs (some people happily wear bathing suits). The boundary for where people go nude is limited and set aside just for soaking. There’s one pool that is for silence only–no talking by anyone, ever.

Anyone could be at Breitenbush and never go into the hot mineral pools, if you were too nervous or weirded out about nudity. You’d still love the place. It’s built for retreat. For luscious relaxation and natural beauty.

No wonder they wanted The Work there. It’s about un-raveling and un-doing painful conditioning and stressful stories that repeat themselves in troubling ways in our lives.

If you’re wanting summer time to settle way down, take time out, completely unplug, and join with others to soak in inquiry….

….bring it to Breitenbush. You’ll literally have the chance to leave it there. We do a very special exercise on the last day that can only be done at Breitenbush (it’s a surprise). Perhaps you’ll leave something there you never imagined, something you’ve wanted to set down for years.

People have flown from New York, Florida, Kentucky, taken the train from California and Mexico, driven from Vancouver BC and New Mexico. From all corners, the most lovely folks assemble to really sink into this incredible physical setting, and incredible way of enlightening ourselves by questioning our beliefs.

You may find, like I did about Breitenbush, that your impression of reality and of life was a little off.

Who would you be, who could you be, without your story?

“You are the effect of your story, that’s all. And this is hard to hear unless you inquire…..Come to know for yourself what’s true for you, not for me. My words are of no value to you. You’re the one you’ve been waiting for. Be married to yourself. You’re the one you’ve been waiting for all your life.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace

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Terror, ugliness, unacceptable, unbearable….doing The Work on the worst that could happen

When you spend 4 days doing The Work with a group, something happens to everyone’s perspective. Instead of the daily routine of life, our view shifts into a broader awareness.

It’s like the feeling you get when watching a magnificent sunrise.

Or receiving and giving a hug. Holding someone’s hand when they’re ill or dying. Being at the birth of a baby. Suddenly being startled at a gorgeous lush tree full of blossoms.

Everyone has these kinds of moments, where you’re startled by the beauty or insight that’s just inserted itself into your present moment.

In this retreat, we looked and sat with one important question, pens in our hands, blank paper on our laps.

The question: what’s the worst thing that could ever happen in your life?

Whew.

What a question, right?

Holy smokes.

I watched as all the participants closed their eyes, wrote in their journals and notebooks.

Now….what do you think it would mean, if this terrible thing happened?

What would it mean about you, about them, about life?

For me, I’ve thought about a dreadful image when I’ve answered this question. The worst thing ever happening? My children dying. Oh jeez. Not that terrible image again. Ugh.

It’s almost weird to write about. Why go there? Why event mention this dreadful, horrible, ridiculous, not-true scenario? Is there something wrong with me? Why would I give this possibility the time of day? I must be some kind of masochistic weirdo to want to sit with this terrifying disturbance of losing my kids.

But it’s there, nevertheless. A fear. I think I couldn’t go on if this happened. I notice sometimes in the world, peoples’ kids die.

So I’m willing to take a look, since the thought scares me.

Which is what I love about The Work.

The invitation is to open up to the underworld, the terrifying, the thoughts already present, the worries, the fears, the dread.

Let’s get them HANDLED…says The Work. Even if you think four questions couldn’t possibly “handle” your greatest fears.

I invite you to see.

Write down what you think is the worst thing ever that could happen in your life. It’s often about some kind of deeply troubling loss. A relationship, an inability to function, rejection, abandonment, betrayal.

Let’s inquire.

It would be (or, lets face it…it already happened and it WAS) the WORST thing ever.

Is it true?

(First question of The Work).

We’re inquiring. In the grand scheme oft things, we’re opening up to the choice that we’re believers, or we question what we believe….there’s no other possibility.

So let’s question, since it’s an option.

Is it true this would be the worst thing ever?

Yes.

Hands down, yes.

I couldn’t live life ever again in the same way if my kids died.

But can you absolutely know it’s true that it’s the worst thing? Can you absolutely know you couldn’t go on living? Can you absolutely know you’d lose your mind in grief, or freak out, or NOT be able to handle it? Can you know you’d be engulfed in sorrow and wither away into nothing?

How do you react when you believe in this possibility? When you think this is the worst? When you scream at yourself not to think this thought, ever EVER (because it’s so scary)?

I gasp. I try to stop thinking it. I bat it away. I tell myself positive things. And I feel underlying fear. I see images of my kids dying. I think I’m the kind of person who might go through this horrible event, so I brace myself. I don’t know how to prevent it, so I feel frightened. I feel like the future is dim, not bright.

I start imagining that if I think this thought…I’ll invite it. Which just exacerbates and threatens even more, and brings on self-criticism in addition to the original fear. (What’s wrong with you? Stop thinking this!)

But who would I be without the thought my kids will die?

It’s a worthy question. To consider what it would be like to NOT THINK that dreadful thought?

This is not about pretending or denying they’ll die. It’s wondering who I’d be without the thought pounding in my brain that they will.

I’d be relaxed. I’d see what else is going on. I’d open up to other ideas. I’d notice what’s working, even though this could (or has) happened.

And what about if this terrible thing that COULD happen or already did happen…what if it’s OK that it happened? Or the best thing that could happen, instead of the worst?

I know it’s a little abrupt. I know the word “best” is a little weird. But in this world of duality, we’re interested in worst/best, good/bad, terrible/wonderful.

And we’re interested in shaking things up. Considering what good could come out of the “worst case scenario”. Is there anything you can think of that might be GOOD about that horrible thing happening?

Several years ago, I got cancer.

I had surgery, and was lying in bed at home one day later with 50 stitches in my thigh, doing The Work. I looked at my leg, and was amazed the place where the tumor was removed looked like a piece of pale cream-colored leather with a huge gash in it, stitched with a gray colored thread evenly spaced.

How could I think of this situation as the best thing that ever happened? Really? What? I couldn’t find it. There is NO turnaround for this. It’s awful, there’s no reason. Cancer truly sucks. Nothing good can come of this. All awful, all the time, 24 hours a day. It shouldn’t happen. I’ll probably die of cancer, even if it’s not THIS cancer.

Who would I be, without this story though, that it’s the worst thing ever?

Oh. You really want me to do The Work on THIS situation too? Seriously?

Yes. Because you can question anything. The Work is here to open your mind, no matter what’s going on. It doesn’t discriminate. It doesn’t care what situation you’re looking at.

Who would I be without my story, in that moment I was lying in bed with stitches in my leg from my cancer operation?

I’d notice when my estranged husband knocked on the door, with our two very young children, holding two-dozen pink roses.

We hadn’t been talking closely. He had left the marriage and we were on the way to divorce. And here he was, showing up while caring for our kids because of my surgery, bringing this gift of flowers. Caring.

Ah ha. I just found my turnaround inquiry.

Since this happened, the BEST thing that happened came next. Sweetness. A show of caring, when I thought he didn’t. (And we still got divorced, and that turned out to be a good thing too).

And so can I find a turnaround example for it being OK that my kids die?

Well….I wouldn’t have to worry about them going through global warming and suffering immensely because the earth is dying. I wouldn’t have to worry about them at all, in fact. They’d miss old age, which appears to be difficult at times (unless you do The Work of course). I’d be off the hook for leaving any inheritance. They’d enter the Great Beyond before I even did, wow. They’d get there without all this wondering and incessant seeking for Enlightenment and Truth.

This work is a little strange. I admit. Noticing your most resistant fears and thoughts about life.

But oh so worth it.

Because in the end, what I discovered I’m really worried most about it ME dying, if THEY died.

Me dying, however, may not be the troubling event I anticipate. Even if my body lived….my heart might mend in such a powerful way, I would recognize that what died was my ego, not love.

And just like my father who died so many years ago of leukemia, I’d notice he may not be here in physical form, but I think of him often, I consult with him, I feel his presence, he’s part of my DNA. So did he even die?

Who would I be without my story of WORST or BEST?

Unafraid. Free. Curious. Open.

“The Tao Te Ching says that the source of everything is called ‘darkness’. What a beautiful name (if we must have a name). Darkness is our source. In the end, it embraces everything. Its nature is love, and in our confusion we name it terror and ugliness, the unacceptable, the unbearable. All our stress results from what we imagine is in that darkness. We imagine darkness as separate from ourselves, and we project something terrible onto it. But in reality, the darkness is always benevolent.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

Spring Mental Cleaning Retreat Seattle 2017 (Next retreat is Breitenbush in Oregon June 21-25, 2017 and Fall Retreat in Seattle is Oct 19-22, 2017)

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Shame and Guilt….First, don’t fight or be against them

Guilt and shame are so debilitating, depressing, paralyzing.

Especially when it comes to weight, body image, eating, not eating.

When we get upset, troubled, frightened….it’s not so crazy to reach for food. It’s one of the pleasures of life.

But it doesn’t work as a painkiller–except temporarily.

And then after an over-eating session or a binge….ugh. The guilt, shame and horror at what you’ve done….AGAIN….is so horrible.

What if guilt and/or shame have messages that are important to explore?

Here are some questions you can answer, and ways you can work with shame, so that you can see something different besides paralysis, isolation, punishment, disgust or depression.

What’s going on when it comes to GUILT and SHAME?

Let’s find out. I share here some exercises to help you with shame and guilt.

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When believing lies leads to suffering

I was very touched recently. Several people in Year of Inquiry approached me with an offer that they’d like to start a scholarship fund for people who need financial help attending Year of Inquiry, especially the live retreats in Seattle.

The year long program has two options; telesessions only (which include all the webinar presentations I offer every month) or the full, live program for those who come to fall and spring retreats.

Sometimes people sign up for telesessions only and hope they can come up with the funds for the in-person retreats. This scholarship help may be one way they can do it.

Even though YOI (Year of Inquiry) doesn’t start until September, I felt such a deep sense of gratitude and acknowledgement that people collectively think doing this work together as a practice is so powerful, they want to help others do it too.

Almost at the very same time of hearing of these generous participants’ desire to contribute to others, I also learned Year of Inquiry will offer credits to people interested in becoming a part of the Institute for The Work (ITW).

The Institute trains people in facilitating and doing The Work and those meeting all the extensive credits required inside ITW become Certified Facilitators.

Anyone enrolling and completing Year of Inquiry would receive the equivalent credits of a whole School for The Work plus 80 hours of partnering in The Work.

It may seem like a foreign language to you, if you’re not aware of Institute for The Work or you aren’t interested in certification….

….but I felt very moved by the endorsement.

It means people can begin to taste the practice of The Work by joining in with our little group, and if they’re really into it, can use Year of Inquiry as a diving board for further training.

But the most important thing about doing The Work and questioning thoughts, in the end?

It’s not the credit earned.

The thing I love most about gathering with others to wonder about concepts we hold, the beliefs we find troubling and stressful: I don’t have to do this work alone and rely on my own thinking to bring me clarity.

When alone, I’m not always aware of my biggest blind spots. I get tired, or bored, or the inner voice in my head gets to loud to hear myself think clearly.

Getting together with other people to do the four questions and find turnarounds is ingenious. It keeps the connection to inquiry alive. We’re in it together. Other people can do The Work when I’m too hopeless, or fatigued, to do it myself. I’m listening, and I still learn.

And we’re practicing together, over and over again.

You just do it. Like learning to ride a bike. You try, you fall, you swerve, you fall, you try again, you fall, you get on again, you start to pedal, glide, and relax.

And you keep going.

Maybe it’s like joining a gym. You’re not done, even if you’ve been a gym member at the same place for 15 years (like me). You just keep going, on rainy days especially. It becomes a way of life, a way of continuously practicing the movement you need to feel healthy.

I’m not sure where I’d be without having created Year of Inquiry, or the other shorter classes, programs, solo sessions and retreats I keep offering.

Everyone showing up is here to help me stay true to my favorite experiences in human life: awareness, transformation, contribution, service.

Now, if an entire Year of Inquiry is hard to imagine, there are shorter experiences you can join to hit the reset button or sink into a deep mental tune-up in your thinking.

One of the most beautiful ways, is to come to Breitenbush Hotsprings Conference Center in Oregon on June 21-25. Deep in a pristine old-growth forest, this is one of the most magnificent settings for investigating where you feel stuck.

Everyone stays in a beautiful warm cabin, or you can camp, stay in a tent platform, or reserve a dorm room in the lodge. Three meals a day are home-cooked, all vegetarian and exquisite. Get massage or body work, hike in the woods, visit the hot pools for a soak in the mineral waters. The air is fresh, the atmosphere quiet and profoundly peaceful, and the relaxation beyond measure.

Breitenbush has become a regular highlight of some peoples’ summers who return year after year to sit in their life-changing inquiry. We always have a whole handful of people who have been once or more to the School for The Work with Byron Katie in the past year.

But no matter where you live, what you’re able to do or join, how you’re able to travel or not travel….

….it appears my job is to continuously put Inquiry Practice on the calendar.

In just about every which way possible. Phone, computer link, donation-based monthly call, free meetups, in-person immersions, mini retreats, groups, videos, podcast, Grace Notes, recovery and eating peace process work, writing.

What I notice is, it’s not a requirement to question your thoughts in order to live.

But is it a requirement to question your thoughts in order to be peaceful, or joyful?

I don’t even know the answer to that question, at least not for anyone else.

For me, however, it appears that without investigating what’s running through my mind, if I’m just swallowing everything I’ve learned or been exposed to without curiosity….I’m living a very stressful life, full of suffering.

I’m almost putting salt in the wound, as they say. I’m practically giving fuel to my own suffering….repeating a conversation over in my head, assuming what someone else is thinking, imagining my demise whether sickness or death, feeling sharp, or bitter, or angry, or very sad.

What a nutty mind–so funny the way it keeps worrying about my survival, and getting anxious, or delivering “warning” messages.

But with The Work also running through my mind, heart and soul….

…I’ve got the best set of questions ever if my head replays that horror film from 1990.

Is it true? Can you absolutely KNOW it’s true? How do you react, what happens, when you believe what you think? Who would you be without this thought? What if you turned your belief around to the opposite?

Why am I experiencing so much pain? Because I’m believing a lie. If you’re lying in bed in the morning and you think ‘I want to get up, I should get up!’ and you then begin to experience fear and guilt…I invite you to just be there and try to make yourself NOT get up. It’s not possible. When it is time to get up, you get up. Not one second too early or too late. There are two ways to lie there, or get up, and one is in peace and the other is in stress.” ~ Byron Katie

If you want to move into this way of inquiry, without anyone telling you what to think whatsoever, and without any rules or regulations, or how you “should” be thinking or not thinking….

….step into this process called The Work. Your way. Your answers.

It couldn’t be anything but your own answers, if you want true peace.

Join me in this fascinating unknown mysterious adventure where we’re wondering what’s true and contemplating life and all it’s hardship and pain, and beauty.

Where we can question our stressful stories, and find, we just might be able to love what is, now.

Much love,

Grace

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Don’t worry about progress….you’re already living your way to your answers

What are your top three stressful situations you’ve either already been investigating with The Work, or you find it daunting to even start with The Work….OR….you’ve done The Work on it a whole bunch and you still don’t feel so great about it?

Is it a Relationship? Money? Body? Health? Parenting? Adult child? Traffic? Your mom? Your job? Boss? Co-worker? Cancer? Someone else’s death or illness? Love? Romance? Shame? Addiction? Roommate? Employment? The weather?

All of the above?

LOL.

It’s OK to notice you feel NUTS when it comes to many situations, but one way to make it a little simpler for yourself it to identify your top three.

The reason I’m asking you?

I could write about it here in Grace Notes (I change names, gender, locations to protect the innocent)! I also love talking about whatever topic concerns us all on facebook live, and answer your questions

(In case you don’t know what Facebook Live is, it’s a way I can turn on my camera and be live on video on facebook and see all your comments and questions go by if you post right below the video WHILE I’m making it. I see your comments and shares on my screen! So amazing!)

So back to those top three most stressful situations that disturb you. I find there really are no new thoughts. None. If you think your situations are unique and especially rotten….someone else has experienced them. Maybe even me.

If you’ve had a situation you find repeats itself, over and over again, either because you’re remembering it constantly, or because it really does show up regularly and gets replayed with someone in your life….

….I’ve had this happen before, too.

I recall doing The Work many times on this one same person. He would do or say something, and here I was again, sitting down writing a worksheet furiously. Full of rage and calling him names on paper.

It was like nothing I could write would even come close to how upset I felt. Words, I was sure, weren’t strong enough for this. I had to DO something! It was TOO MUCH to handle!

Surely, with THIS jerk, questioning my thoughts wasn’t the answer. It had to be BIGGER than that!

Right?

People in Year of Inquiry were noticing this past week they could still have the very same kinds of thoughts as they did on their early First-Month worksheets they wrote last September.

It was powerful to talk about and find the troubling concepts about seeing these top-hit situations repeat themselves, like underlying core stressful beliefs that go with us everywhere.

And if you notice you have the same types of thoughts regularly, you might have additional stressful thoughts on top of these common ones that speak to you something like this:

You should be over it by now. You should be done with this dynamic. You should have changed. (You haven’t).

Is this true?

Are you absolutely sure?

How do you react when you believe you should be over one of these top three issues, that play over and over again like your favorite hit parade radio station?

I want to take a hammer to the radio and break it into bits! I feel so frustrated! I feel depressed, sad, hopeless. I want to give up on doing The Work. Goodbye cruel world!

But who would you be without the belief that your thoughts are not changing, you should be over it, you should be done with this particular repetitive thing, or that you haven’t changed a bit?

Oh. Wait. But.

Isn’t that why I’m doing The Work? Isn’t this all about becoming different, leaving my old beliefs behind, becoming a brand new person with a new mind?

Well….yes….and no, grasshopper.

Because while it IS a result of The Work, to find the beliefs you thought were true, aren’t, and be stunned at this realization. Or to begin laughing when you question something that’s terrified you for a year. Or to notice something that used to bug you like crazy, doesn’t one day.

But it’s not the “goal”.

The goal, if there is one, is to know the truth. For yourself.

And the truth is, sometimes you simply are not over it. Not yet. Not until you are.

Everyone has a mind. A brain that’s working to keep you safe and comfortable and run the body and log experiences into categories and make a note of the past so you can project into the future.

But it doesn’t have to run the entire show. Well, it can’t even if it tries.

And it’s OK if it repeats itself a few times (or a hundred thousand billion).

Turning your thoughts around about your Top Hit Stressful Beliefs:

You shouldn’t be over it by now. You should NOT be done with this dynamic. You should NOT have changed. (And maybe you have).

How could all this be just as true, or truer?

Gulp.

?

Well, it would truly be clear that I am entirely acceptable and accepted the way I am, by life itself, by reality. No brain transplant is required. Life doesn’t have to be different, including my “work” of self-inquiry….which maybe isn’t even “mine”. I could see I am capable of a peace beyond all belief, with just the mind and set of experiences I’ve had.

I’d realize and remember, once again, I am not in charge. Not of my own enlightenment, not of my brain, not of what is.

Wow.

Live the Questions
I would like to beg you, dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves, as if they were locked rooms, or books written in a very foreign language. 
Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. 
 
And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer.
~ Rainer Maria Rilke

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Really do hit reply and let me know your Top Three Stressful situations you noticing bring stress when you think of them. I’ll work them into my Grace Notes or FB Live. Grateful here, for your sharing.

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Shame & Guilt: looking closely instead of trying to rip them out

First Friday Inquiry Jam is tomorrow! 7:45-9:00 am Pacific Time. It’s for everyone, it’s free (donation if it feels right). You can listen-only through the Broadcast, or dial-in with phone or WebCall and have the opportunity to do The Work. We’ll start with me guiding you through filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Your sharing out loud, whether you’re in the hot seat doing The Work or listening, asking a question, offering an insight, is a beautiful way to connect us all together with this powerful process called self-inquiry. Join me HERE. If for any reason the dial-in or WebCall is full when you try to connect, join using the Broadcast feature.

***********************

So later this very day, Thursday at 1:00 pm PT I’ll be over on facebook live, on video. I do this to answer questions and share some of the biggest topics we notice come up and create arguments with reality!

Today, I want to talk about shame and guilt, because it’s coming up right and left lately in my Year of Inquiry group, solo sessions with people, and of course in troubles with food and eating or other compulsions.

Shame feels so awful to experience, right?

Must get rid of it….ASAP!!

But like other emotions and feelings (anger, for example) it may be here for an important reason. I mean, feelings, including shame or guilt, exist in reality, right?

So instead of wanting to crush them or freak out if we feel shame, maybe we can wonder about the message it brings.

Shame feels awful, no doubt about it. Nauseated, horrified, self-attacking (Why did I DO that? What’s WRONG with me?) and secretive.

Shame seems to say “hide this and never, ever, ever let anyone know about it”.

But what if we turned towards the thing(s) we feel most ashamed of and looked at them more closely, accepting them as a message or important dynamic we need to understand?

A wonderful exercise offered by Byron Katie in her book “I Need Your Love–Is That True?” is to write down your most shameful experiences.

Ugh. I know. Gross. Do I have to?

Well, no one has to do anything….but to take a look at what you’re ashamed of can grow you up and open your mind in a way you might not have thought possible. So why not do it? It’s crushing and hard and depressing to keep the experience hidden, so bringing it out to the open fresh air may feel horrible to see as it lays there so ugly in the bright sunlight, but better than the alternative of continuing the way you’ve been going.

It doesn’t mean announce it on facebook.

You can find a trusted advisor to work with, someone who you know can work with shame with an open mind, too.

And if the trusted advisor is you (it is) then you can do it on your own–as long as you tap into the part of you willing to be accepting and open, no matter what.

Long ago, even when I stopped binge-eating and vomiting and over-exercising, I would NEVER want anyone to know I had been bulimic. It still feels like there’s an ever-so-slight worried feeling, like an old smell or sound that isn’t pleasant, as I think of sharing how I struggled with a decade of insane eating.

I used to think, at that time, I’d rather be a drug addict or an alcoholic because those sounded more rebellious and wild or Rebel-Without-A-Cause at least, not so ugly as stuffing your face or making yourself throw up in secret. I actually remember thinking I wish I was that kind of addict, because then I’d also fit in completely at AA meetings.

But that was not the way of it.

And the most important thing is not the overeating at all, but instead the inner workings of other events and ways of being I thought of as shameful.

I thought I should never be angry, selfish, rude, boisterous, bossy, grabby. I had so many “rules” about what I should behave like and what other people should also behave like, it was overwhelming to try to be my “best self” all the time.

I just wanted to be offline for once, to live freely without all those rules and regulations.

So a great place to begin your research into what ails you, what brings you to feeling shame, what your shame is telling you, is to simply write a list of what you’re most ashamed of.

I like to suggest writing only five. (Let’s not get carried away, OK?)

Then, you can begin to study these situations not as if you are the problem, but looking at it as if you are a part of a whole. Watching what thoughts you had running. What frightened you most, what upset you, what threatened you, or angered you?

What I know is, when you identify a person, place, thing, event that bothered you or deeply disturbed you in the past….

….and begin to investigate without freaking out….

….you may find a freedom you never thought possible.

It all begins with the question:

Is it true?

1:00 pm PT Facebook Live on shame today, for about 15 minutes. Ask questions (writing), listen, comment. Let’s talk about shame. https://www.facebook.com/WorkWithGrace/ If you can’t make it live, it’ll be there as a recording right afterwards.

Much love,

Grace

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Get super judgey…and put yourself back in the nature of things (it’s called The Work)!

Sometimes, doing The Work is super embarrassing.

Have you noticed?

The invitation is to be petty, childish, honest, ridiculous, critical, judgey….all the ways you’re trying NOT to be. For years!

And now, to do The Work, we’re supposed to write down what really, really bugged us about that person or that situation?

Yikes, that’s a hard pill to swallow. Is it really medicine? Won’t it hurt? I can’t REALLY let all those dreadful thoughts out on paper and write them down, can I?

I’d need to burn the paper when I’m done writing!

It seems like that would be going down the WRONG path….right?

Often, there’s such a deep feeling of NOT wanting to judge in any way (it’s bad bad bad) we get furious with ourselves for being this way.

I should change. Something’s wrong with ME. Obviously!

The thing is….the left turn into I-Must-Change zone is just as tricky and difficult as the negative judgments about other people in the first place.

You THINK you’re taking the burden off those other people or those situations you didn’t enjoy (or that terrified you)….

….and placing the burden on yourself (you are the only person who can change, after all)….

….but you MISS the fact that you’re still judging, condemning, upset, troubled and absolutely 100% against What Is.

No way are you loving what is. Not even accepting what is.

So who would you really be, without the troubled story that what went down was wrong, and shouldn’t have happened?

Who would you be without the belief it was your fault, or theirs, or anyone’s?

There’s nothing like The Work for bringing you into a way to stop trying to aim your arrow and shoot at the thing that screwed up (including you).

Who would you be without the belief something went wrong?

Holy smokes. I know. It’s amazing.

“Depression can feel serious. So ‘counting the genuine ways that this unexpected event happened for me, rather than to me’ isn’t a game. It’s an exercise in observing the nature of life. It’s a way of putting yourself back into reality, into the kindness of the nature of things.” ~ Byron Katie

If you need to spend some time (I sure did) with this practice, step by step, in the company of others and receive the deepest support in your work, come to world famous Breitenbush Hotsprings in Oregon for the annual summer mental cleanse retreat. June 21-25 Weds evening through Sunday lunch in beautiful quiet near a stunning river, gorgeous cabins in a pristine old-growth forest, with all your meals. Optional hotspring soaks on your free time.

A place of retreat, joy, nature, the freshest air, and questioning your troubles. On the last day, the very special labyrinth walk in The Work. For more information visit here. Mental health counselors earn 26 CEUS. ITW candidates earn 24 CEs.

Much love,

Grace

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Are you waiting for better thoughts?

Argggh. Isn’t this plane going to take off soon?

Late, late. This sucks. I’m so tired. That’s all I needed was another hour added to this already-long flight. So annoying.

What kinds of thoughts enter your mind if you’re waiting?

Yes, ANY kind of waiting. Waiting for a phone call. Waiting to hear about the job. Waiting in line. Waiting for morning. Waiting for the holiday. Waiting for the results of the test. Waiting to eat. Waiting to become enlightened.

What does it feel like to wait?

Irritating. Worrisome. Infuriating. Heart-wrenching. Sad. Frightening. Uncomfortable. Boring.

Who would you be without this story of waiting?

What an astonishing question!

Who would I be without the belief that I am actually waiting?

What is waiting anyway? A feeling like we’re not there yet, or don’t have something yet, or right now is unfinished or not quite all of it.

Who would I be without that belief, in this moment while sitting on an airplane noticing we are not moving, hearing the anxious voice of a passenger many rows behind me ask when we’re taking off?

Peaceful. Noticing slow and fast, anticipating and willing to also be here, no demand something change now, for my personal benefit.

Ready to see where this goes (this day, this moment, this empty space).

Maybe even very excited. Full of wonder about this mysterious unknown moment, with unknown things in it, and an unknown future.

Turning it around: I am not waiting. In this moment, there is nothing missing, nothing anticipated, nothing impending, nothing to worry about.

No lack of knowledge, no such thing as “late”, no lack of bliss or absent enlightenment or awareness. Nothing happening before it’s time, or too soon.

Could this be just as true?

What’s OK, or even wonderful, about this moment sitting in a quiet plane that isn’t moving?

I relax with eyes closed. I feel the chair beneath me. I hear sounds. I picture needing to spend the night in an airport somewhere because of a missed connecting flight, and realize it doesn’t matter if I do–that would be an interesting adventure.

I hear the voices in my head that call for inquiry, and notice I have nothing else more interesting to do right now than The Work. I get out my laptop and begin to write. No need to turn my phone back on.

My four major projects I hope to work on during this trip seem suddenly possible, fun, and not so overwhelming. I have time. I love time.

Who am I without my belief that the plane should be moving, when it isn’t…that I’m waiting right now (as the plane begins to move) or that the flight itself is a waiting zone?

Without the belief in waiting, I’m very clear, just doing what’s next, one thing at a time. Feeling love for anything that flashes in my inner vision. Watching the backs of peoples’ adorable heads when I look up, all the glorious shapes and sizes and colors and hair.

Resting.

Even with that old outdated repetitive thought about enlightenment being somewhere else, or in other people who aren’t me….

….I’m simply being. Here.

You Reading This, Be Ready

Starting here, what do you want to remember?

How sunlight creeps along a shining floor?

What scent of old wood hovers, what softened 

sound from outside fills the air?

Will you ever bring a better gift for the world

than the breathing respect that you carry

wherever you go right now?

Are you waiting

for time to show you some better thoughts?

When you turn around, starting here, lift this

new glimpse that you found; carry into evening

all that you want from this day.

This interval you spent

reading or hearing this, keep it for life–

What can anyone give you greater than now,

starting here, right in this room,

when you turn around?

~ William Stafford

 

Without the stressful story of waiting, I’m here.

I may not have chosen it, I can’t say I prefer it to something else….

….but this is all a mystery, I’m not in charge.

I respect what’s appeared.

Seeing, smelling, hearing, being this one that I apparently am right now, connected to the world, breathing this gift.

Much love,

Grace

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It ain’t over, til it’s over.

The Work of Byron Katie is known as a powerful stress-reducing method of changing one’s mindset. It can alter your entire perspective of a very painful situation.

I find, my internal world is completely different when I think about Before The Work and After The Work.

But what about severe physical harm? Or car accidents? Or huge traumatic moments, like war-time fear, near-death escape, or violence?

They are so frightening!

Sometimes, just seeing a movie with this kind of experience in it can be traumatizing. I remember this, in fact, from when I was about ten. I saw a horror movie in black-and-white on TV about turtle sucking snake-like creatures that vacuumed only the bone matter out of human bodies.

OMG.

I was up at night for several nights in a row, and I didn’t even want the girl whose house I spent the night at, where we watched this movie, to be my friend anymore.

The Exorcist scared me so badly, I couldn’t fall asleep all night then either, with my best friend Kathy snoozing in the guest bed next to me. I kept seeing a hand creep up the side of the wall, not connected to a body. (How did I get into the theater showing that movie, by the way, at age 12)?

I basically never watch horror movies now. Why on earth would I put myself through that kind of physical imaginative fear? The regular imagination is bad enough! Jeez!

The thing to remember first, when it comes to a truly traumatic experience, is that it is over, and now…..you are safe. Whether the event was real or a movie.

You are safe. Right now. Safe.

Because sometimes, the thoughts begin to scream at you NOT to look at that moment. Danger Danger Danger! A part of you doesn’t want to feel the adrenaline again, the sadness, the devastation. Even in a perfectly safe moment, your heart starts beating and you’re sweating, as you remember and “view” the movie in your mind.

It’s OK if you don’t want to do The Work on a truly frightening moment in your life. Nothing is required here.

And, it can be amazingly liberating if you do.

Just the other day, someone in Year of Inquiry did The Work her reaction to her grandson’s tantrum. He was so freaked out and wild, he scratched her eye. She remembered a previous violent situation even more frightening, with an adult, not a child.

If you notice you’re safe here, now, it might be easier to go take a look at that extremely difficult situation. The one you’d rather not see.

The violent one.

It’s a summer Saturday morning and the sun is streaming through huge tall windows and making bright lights and shadows on the gorgeous wooden dance floor. I’m full of energy, bouncy happy, surrounded by many wonderful, laughing people ages 5 to 80.  One of my favorite songs comes on.

The set list is made intentionally to inspire, and it’s amazingly eclectic and fun. World music, Bollywood music, pop music, 1970s joyful funk, hip hop, salsa, the latest pop song in northern Africa, music from Turkey, Mongolia, Iceland, Mexico.

I am so thrilled, I run across the dance floor and leap into one of my favorite gymnastics moves, from age 15. Roundoff handspring. I do cartwheels all the time. And walk on my hands regularly.

As I land with legs straight only off kilter to the right, I feel a huge awful pull or rip in my sits bone, my pelvis. My whole body freezes up.

I don’t know it, but I just tore my hamstring right off the bone at the top of my leg. I’m still standing. I take a step. It’s very painful. But I can walk. I think “it’s not broken, I can walk”. I think maybe it will go away. Maybe I’ll walk it off. I numbly slow down, perplexed at the pain, continuing to stay upright the rest of the dance.

At the end, when we sit down in a circle, I’m wobbly and it burns horribly. I can’t sit in the circle. I feel shaky. I say to my husband as we walk across the parking lot that I really need to go home. It hurts horribly as I sit in the car. I put the seat all the way back.

Now, looking back, I had amazingly little fear. I didn’t even know what was wrong. The stress began to arise when a friend gasped after I had an MRI that showed the tear. She already knew before I did that I would need a surgery that was…..very uncomfortable. And my hamstring would probably never be the same again. Ever.

What kinds of thoughts appear with a situation like this? Perhaps you lose a limb, or someone else dies, or you saw the injury.

I find it helpful to notice that in the moment of injury or initial pain, there is almost no thought. It’s only right afterwards. The assessment. The awareness comes in, and THEN….here comes the suffering.

The moment of suffering is what The Work is for. That thought. THAT moment. It doesn’t mean you’ll question physical pain (although you can) but more what you think it actually means to have this pain.

My hamstring will never be the same again. I’ll have physical pain or limited movement for the rest of my life. I will never bike long distances, run long distances, hike, do gymnastics ever, ever again.

It’s all down hill from here. My life as I knew it, is over.

Let’s do The Work on this thought.

Is it true?

Yes.

Is it absolutely true, and terribly stressful?

No.

My life already was all down hill from here. That doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I am 56 right now. I was 52 when I tore my hamstring. I have no idea if I still had an intact hamstring I’d be happier. In fact, I’m pretty sure it doesn’t affect my ultimate happiness at all.

I notice I don’t have the stamina I used to have, things are changing in most fascinating ways in the body. I’m not upset. I find it amazing. I feel like I could die any day and I would have had an incredible life, and a pretty long one. I’m looking forward to what’s next. If there’s nothing next, I’ll have no mind so nothing to worry about anyway. Ha ha!

Who would I be without the belief my life is over as I knew it? (And that’s a BAD thing)?

Excited! Full of wonder. Actually interested to see where this whole hamstring thing is going. Where this whole life-leading-to-death is going.

I notice the hamstring incident has given me some amazing experiences to explore, and awareness to wake up to:

a) After surgery, I had to lie flat for 9 days without being able to turn over onto my stomach. It was stunning to investigate the thought that I needed to. (Stephen Hawking, I get it now!)

b) I finally started yoga

c) I went to several brilliant body practitioners and learned so much about being in this body

d) I’m quieter in my movement and manner. Slower bike rides. Shorter walks. I love dancing again, but not so wildly perhaps.

e) I’ve gotten a lovely reminder of death, dying, temporariness here, exploring my thoughts about a limited amount of remaining years

f) I’m more comfortable than ever doing The Work with other people on death, suicidal thinking, injury, illness, cancer, sickness, pain, The End.

Every day, these days, I am aware this could be the last one. I have strong glimpses and experience, for minutes (if not hours) that there will be a last day for everyone, including me.

“There is pain, and then there is Pain and Suffering. So we’ll work with the suffering, and watch, through your life, how body follows mind. What an amazing trip…..How do you react when you believe the thought ‘I want the pain to stop’ and it doesn’t? What happens to the pain when you want it to stop, and it doesn’t? Who would you be without the story ‘I feel pain’? What is the worst that could happen if the pain becomes worse? You can’t stand it anymore, can you absolutely know that’s true?” ~ Byron Katie

Wow.

Turning it around: my life is over as I knew it, and it’s all up hill from here.

So far, this is true. And come to think of it, it always has been.

Or maybe, there’s no hill at all. And nothing happening from the past. Those thoughts, I notice, are only about past and future. They have nothing to do with the present moment.

Oh. Right.

“It ain’t over, til it’s over.” ~ Yogi Berra

Much love,

Grace