Grace, Author at Question with Grace

April 18, 2016

I did it wrong

*bowing to whatever appears as difficult*

Night before last, while still in California after the beautiful retreat I was offering ended, I went with my delightful host (her home was where our Eating Peace Retreat took place) to see one of the gazillion spiritual teachers in the Bay Area.

The gathering was sweet, small (maybe 25 people) in a gorgeous old mission-styled building in Berkeley. The three-quarters moon shone brightly.

For about half an hour, we sat savoring silence.

My eyes closed, I could hear people entering and shuffling behind me, yet feel the sweetness of space, quiet, a centeredness inside that’s here no matter where this body goes.

Outside, satsang….Inside at the center, dark sweet quiet.

This lovely teacher (Pamela Wilson) was sitting in a soft red chair, facing the rest of us in the audience. She was gentle, with a kind voice and a darling smile and long straight light-colored hair like mine. She didn’t speak long before asking if anyone had a question.

I love watching and hearing how a guide at the front of the room works with the questions from an audience. She had a kind approach, soft and motherly voice, unassuming yet clear, without hesitation, periodically suggesting people give an internal “bow” to anything they’re observing, including the mind.

She suggested bowing especially to things we object to. You just give a little bow, from the heart, on the inside, and no one has to know.

Isn’t that sweet?

Towards the end, I raised my hand, although I honestly had no question.

As the microphone made its way towards me, I thought “I better think of a good question” but mostly what I wanted was to speak “hello”. I wanted to know how she came to discover this sweet way with the world. I was so curious about her journey, which I knew nothing about.

“But you can’t ask her about herself….you have to ask her aboutyour spiritual journey whatever that is….so you leave with a new tidbit for your toolbox.”

With the mic in my hand, I started explaining, saying “here’s where I used to be, here’s where I am now” giving my assessment of my “spiritual” journey and she was someone who might comment on how I’m doing so far.

Afterwards, I thought….”Why didn’t you just have a real, more honest talk and share in the moment rather than ask for advice All About Me And My Journey? Why didn’t you go ahead and ask her about her experience the way you wanted to?”

After sleeping deeply and well, when I awoke the next morning, my mind turned to the memory of this moment the night before and watched the feeling of a mild version of “I did it wrong” appear.

Funny how this little thought can be tiny, or enormous, and cause immense suffering depending on how sure you are it’s true.

Can you find some moment or some experience where you thought “I did it wrong?”

Just about everyone in the Eating Peace Retreat I just facilitated had many times thought they did it wrong with food. They did it wrong with eating, with a meal, with a binge, with a diet, with a compulsive moment, with their bodies, or with their weight.

When you have a lot of proof that you did it wrong a terrible feeling can come over you, in this moment now. (As your mind scans your life it sees you, at many different ages and different moments, doing it “wrong” perhaps).

Even in that tiny flash of experience I recently had, asking the spiritual guide/teacher a question, my after-thought was I did it wrong. So funny to recognize this familiar idea, repeated over a lifetime.

We’ve all heard of the idea that you can’t do it wrong, or you can’t make a mistake….but we sure don’t always believe this idea, right?

No way

I’m sure I could have done better, we’ll say. I screwed up. It was a bad outcome. I definitely did it wrong.

But let’s investigate to see if it could be absolutely true we could do it wrong, and it’s a terrible thing this is so.

The best way I know how to get to the heart of it, and explore, is to land on a specific time and place in your life where you really believe you DID do it wrong.

I can go to the moment at satsang. You can go to your own experience where you think you did it wrong.

You did it wrong, is that true?

Yes, Grace, you did.

You made way too much noise in the head. You didn’t stay simple and true to yourself. You rambled. You made no sense. You were float-y and using retarded terms like “this is taking too long”.

What is “this” you were talking about? Why would you confess you have a thought about the pace of time “this is taking too long”….or sound like you’re trying to get somewhere, like an awakening in the future when you already know that’s ridiculous? Why would you try to explain your “spiritual” journey when you basically don’t even know what that is in the first place, really? Why talk about yourself when you actually want to talk about her instead?

What a dunce.

Question Two. Can you absolutely know something went wrong

Can you absolutely know all this chatter, so intent on the wrongness of Grace’s question in that moment, is wrong itself?

(Out of the wrong-ness blossoms the idea that even thinking I’m wrong is wrong).

How do I react when I believe this idea and follow the trail or line of thinking that there is something “wrong” or inadequate or not enough or missing…..and even that thinking something is wrong, is wrong?

(Hilarious).

The way I react is I see whatever “me” is as disappointing. Less than enough. This moment is missing something. Like there’s a gigantic buffet of wisdom in that room (inside the spiritual teacher especially, and the two hours we have together) and it is not a part of me.

She has it, I don’t.

Like I remember with food and eating and the way it used to feel for me (not enough, wrong, too much, never just right). I am empty, not full enough, I need more. And I need it fast. There may not be another chance.

But who would I be without this belief that something wrong could occur? Without the thought I said it wrong, or did it wrong, or did it less than ideally, or I didn’t get what I needed, or I didn’t get fully satisfied, or I wasn’t able to ask the question the “right” way so I could take in information and feel the fabulous sensation of tasting and getting enough?

Who would you be without the belief you did it wrong?

Yes. Even that BIG thing you did wrong?

What I notice is that right now, not much is happening. I am typing and the mind is streaming these words as I wonder, pause, feel fingertips on computer keys, sense this body, notice mind flashing pictures of people I’ve met and love, or the bright smile of Pamela

You might look around and see what’s happening, now

What’s the opposite of “I did it wrong”

I did it right

Couldn’t this be just as true, or truer

Of course

If you really think about reality….how could it be any other way? It’s what happened

It got me here, to this moment now.

“This place where you are right now,

God circled on a map for you.”

~ Hafiz

This includes the “wrong” thing you did.

Which includes talking into a microphone on a quiet Sunday night in Berkeley, California with a loving blue-eyed teacher and an attentive accepting group of humans all gathered to talk about life.

Can you see examples of how where you are right now is right, and what you did “wrong” helped you get to it?

Yes.

I bow to that thing I did, now. And now. And now.

Much love,

Grace

April 16, 2016

leaving the story of I Can’t behind

While on retreat here with a beautiful assembly of those who have shown up to be together these three days, I’m struck by a thought someone mentioned our first day together.

I can’t eat whatever I want.

This tantrum shows up in so much more than food and eating.

I can’t DO whatever I want. I can’t BUY whatever I want. I can’t SEE whatever I want. I can’t TAKE whatever I want. I can’t HAVE whatever I want.

It’s like a deep cry of feeling limited, enraged, locked in by the circumstances of life or reality.

When we do it anyway, eat anyway, take anyway….even though there are consequences we don’t like….

….we may “win” just for a moment, but then we lose.

The frustration and fury and guilt gets ramped up even higher.

Yesterday, as our retreat group investigated together, someone became aware of a beautiful distinction I’ve heard before.

The body “can’t” eat everything….it’s the mind that wants to, and can.

What if you rested there?

What if, instead of following, like a zombie, the demands of mind saying you MUST eat, drink, do, have, see, take….even if there are horrible consequences (like being overweight, or going to jail, or harming something, or feeling ashamed)….

….you went ahead and let the mind have a hissy fit, and you let it run wild with imagination having everything it wants all by itself without dragging the body along?

Instead of saying “NO, don’t think about that!!” to yourself, in terror, what if you treated your thoughts like they were there for a reason, and doing the best they can (like a toddler)?

Everyone had a laugh imagining the mind getting to eat the entire box of cookies, or taking one bite of everything on display, or wolfing down the entire extra large chocolate bar.

Later as we walked around a nearby lake, in silence, as a part of a contemplative exercise during retreat, we took the question with us on our walk: who would you be, walking this path, without the belief you have an eating problem?

Who would we be, without the belief “I can’t have what I want, in this moment and it’s HORRIBLE!!?”

I notice, in this morning moment squares of bright sunlight shining through a curtain, on an avocado green wall. I hear the sound of air blowing through a vent. I see a dark magenta colored tassel hanging from a silver doorknob.

I feel the joy of the sweet day ahead in sharing with others the preciousness of inquiry, and my notes and curriculum on this little laptop.

Turning the thought around: I can have what I want, in this moment.

Could what is happening right now be good enough? Could what is present be supporting you? What if everything you ever thought you couldn’t get or have or eat or feel or be…..was available?

Is what I thought I wanted really the thing I want?

All I know is….all those times I ate and ate and ate actual food, it was never what I really wanted. I never felt satisfied, or happy, or thrilled, or joyful. It was never enough, it never hit the spot. It felt like “almost but not quite” or wildly far, to be honest, from what I really wanted.

What I really wanted was to feel “enough” and at the same time feel excited about what was unfolding….because life was indeed unfolding, constantly.

Even if this moment is filled with thoughts of “I can’t”….the body doesn’t have to take action.

I hear the words “Is It True?” and allow inquiry to fall into this moment, too.

What if I really did not know what I can or can’t have, or do, or say, or be? What if I have no clue? What if nothing is required, for this moment to be OK? What if “I can’t” is hilarious instead of hellish and frustrating? What if I can?

What if it doesn’t really ultimately matter, and I knew peace and joy were possible no matter what?

What if you left all your notions of what’s missing behind, if you left all your beliefs behind, like all these beautiful retreat attendees do at every meal, as we do The Work together on stressful beliefs like“I can’t….”?

Who would you BE without your story?

the true shape of your own face…David Whyte

Much love,

Grace

April 15, 2016

lush rose beauty, and self-inquiry

rose1 — sunny rose outside my California window this morning, on retreat

This morning I’ve awakened to huge red roses outside my California bedroom window, and bright sun shining in light blue sky.

We’re about to gather in a few hours for Eating Peace Retreat.

I love this journey.

One of my favorite questions to ask, and answer….is why I am unhappy (if I think I am) about a situation, an interaction, a condition?

I will be asking all the beautiful people attending the retreat today this question, especially about eating, weight, food, and even beyond these.

What is going on here in our lives when it comes to “(fill in the blank on someone you feel bad about)”?

This is the first question on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, when we’re identifying why we’re troubled.

Spending some time there, with our answers, is deeply powerful.

Wondering why, identifying why, writing it down.

Only when captured on paper, or in consciousness, can we then work with these reasons, and find out what’s really true.

“Self-inquiry is a spiritually induced form of wintertime. It’s not about looking for a right answer so much as stripping away and letting you see what is not necessary, what you can do without, what you are without your leaves.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love,

Grace

April 12, 2016

Are you becoming a doormat by doing The Work?

Who cares, do nothing, give up, say nothing....if you think doing The Work means being passive....you might want to question it. — *Who cares, do nothing, give up, say nothing….if you think doing The Work means being passive….you might want to question it.*

I have a private monthly group (open again for new members in fall 2016) that meets on Sundays for 3 hours. We met this past weekend here at Goldilocks Cottage.

A member of the group brought up a brilliant and powerful question about The Work and inquiry. It’s not the first time I’ve heard it.

What if I become OK with everything, nothing bothers me, and I wind up becoming incredibly…..passive?

Like, I don’t mind anything that happens?

And it looks like me not speaking up, me never saying “no”, people doing whatever they want even if it’s taking my stuff or walking all over me, me not caring about things that I actually SHOULD be caring about, me quitting things, me not taking action, me nevertrying to achieve anything?

Ha ha, I love this question.

Over a decade ago, when I first was doing The Work after I attended The School with Byron Katie, I was dating and going through a divorce.

The very first guy I dated in my new single life was a super interesting character, like so many humans are.

Only a few dates into the experience of getting to know him, I was writing worksheets. The worksheets continued, even though we actually didn’t see each other that much and mostly had some long phone conversations with long gaps in between. It felt like a push-pull, on-off, go-stop, mixed-feeling relationship, fairly confusing.

I found a lot of disturbing traits in this man, and I wrote about them and took them through the inquiry process.

One weekend I was at an event with Byron Katie (I had the good fortune to attend quite a few in a condensed period of time back then).

I raised my hand.

“Katie….I keep doing The Work on this same very annoying man in my life and our conversations and interactions….but I’m not getting past my irritation. I feel sooooo angry.”

We had a discussion about repetitive work, motive, trying to “get” somewhere else, pushing oneself into being nice, going against what you really want, mistrusting oneself, not saying “no”, being afraid, trying to manipulate so you don’t get hurt.

Katie describes this aspect of doing The Work as doing it with a MOTIVE. Meaning, you already have planned or mapped out where you want your feeling-state or your answers to bring you. You already have mapped out where you imagine yourself to be, and what would be best for you, for the other, for the world.

I wanted to be easy-going, happy, non-judgmental, smiling, laughing, enjoying the company of this guy I was dating….who I actually didn’t really like that much.

Yes, yes, yes, he was perfectly acceptable as a human being on the planet and could live his life the way he liked (which he reported was full of suffering, depression, anger, addiction and a tremendous amount of anxiety).

Yes, yes, yes I could have (and still have) a sense of compassion for the torture people, like this man, put themselves through by not questioning their thoughts.

But that didn’t mean I had to live with him, as Katie says.

I did not have to be his personal right-hand-woman, or to date him, or to even talk with him if I really didn’t want to.

Katie said to me some powerful words in the conversation we had, that I’ve never forgotten: “Grace, how do you know you’re supposed to be angry? YOU ARE!!”

Oh.

Wow.

You mean…..I’ve not supposed to make myself Not Angry if I am? I’m not supposed to force myself to hang out with someone I don’t find very interesting, or loving, or willing, when that time arrives?

Now, don’t get me wrong.

I had absolutely amazing conversations with this man for awhile. Really curious, truly incredible insights. Deep sharing, practicing saying things out loud that I never did before, hearing things I genuinely needed to hear, noticing how much identity I had all wrapped up in “relationship” and allowing that to be questioned and dissolved.

It’s just that it had a shelf life.

I did The Work on powerful situations and events, like “he shouldn’t like porn” or “he is greedy and terrified with money” and “he shouldn’t criticize me.”

I was stunned and liberated with the turnarounds: I shouldn’t like the “porn” of being mesmerized by thinking about him and his porn, I shouldn’t be addicted to incessantly seeing what I don’t like about him or men or dating or sexuality or couples or breaking up. I shouldn’t be terrified and greedy with money. I shouldn’t criticize him, or myself.

After noticing, deeply, my own anger…..and through Katie’s words finding the deepest permission to allow anger to be alive and present….

….I felt an equally passionate surge of JOY.

I knew to stop torturing him, but most of all to stop torturing myself, with my thoughts, and to be HONEST in my inquiry.

For the first time in my entire life, I broke up with someone rather than withdrawing quietly, or trying to prevent someone else’s anger towards me, or trying to make sure someone else wasn’t hurt by me, or trying to maintain the desperate and false image of All-Kindness-All-The-Time (not).

This was TRUE kindness to everyone involved.

Especially me, and I was the most important person I needed to live with and enjoy and love.

The Work is about accessing the next thought, the next underlying philosophy about life and how you think you “should” be, and dropping what you know that creates suffering.

The Work is about questioning what you see on the surface, and then discovering there’s something else the next layer down, and then another layer, and another, and another.

Sinking deeper and ever deeper into inquiry is like having a huge sense of awareness, for me, of making friends with myself and following the breadcrumbs to the most juicy, delicious, mysterious, exciting, safe and loving center.

Fire is a part of All This.

Trying to fight fire with The Work can give you a nasty, bitter taste of pointlessness, despair, non-action, depression, waiting, joylessness, suppression.

Of course, I had to have the motive I had for as long as I had it, until I noticed it clearly.

And then, when I saw it….poof, it disappeared.

“The mark of a moderate man is freedom from his own ideas. Tolerant like the sky, all-pervading like sunlight, firm like a mountain, supple like a tree in the wind, he has no destination in view and makes use of anything life happens to bring his way. Nothing is impossible for him….” ~ Tao Te Ching #59

I have found doing The Work is never about being passive, or forcing yourself to be quiet, or pleasing, or happy when you aren’t.

It’s the opposite.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Spring Retreat May 13-15 Seattle has a couple of spots left. We have three wonderful days together, with special focus on uncovering your “living turnarounds”….Everyone finds through inquiry the TRUE freedom you want to live, the action you take despite quaking hands and heart-beating with the unknown ahead. This is the alive, awake you that responds to reality with trust….and this includes trust for yourself.

April 10, 2016

if you’re of sound mind, how can you possibly believe?

You can make the wrong decision….is that true? It’s YOUR decision….is that true?

The other night, my husband and I got in the car as the sun set, on a glorious warm spring evening here in Seattle.

We were headed for an annual event, a great friend’s birthday party–always lively, full of music, dancing, conversations, costumes, re-connecting, joking.

And then I said….”Wow, I’m kind of tired. I’d almost rather stay home and rest and hang out with you.”

I had been on a road trip that very day, driving a couple of hours to another town with my daughter and mom to tour the same college I graduated from–a bit of a memory-lane experience for me. My daughter was accepted there, but not so sure she wanted to attend.

It had been an emotional day, a day full of feelings, long-forgotten images.

I had told several other friends, who always went to this big shin dig every year, that I wasn’t guaranteed to be there, because of this college visitation day.

I knew after a long day on the road, heading out for a party might not be on the top of the self-care list.

Right when I suggested out loud about not going…..my husband said “Really? Well, if you don’t want to, I’m COMPLETELY happy to turn this car around and go back home.”

Six minutes later, we were back home.

We were both asleep by ten o’clock.

At 2:30 am, I woke up thinking about my former life in college and what a strange, uncomfortable, self-destructive, anxiety-ridden time it had been, whether or not my daughter would be OK if she attended the same school, all the fun I missed at the party that night and the people I didn’t get to see, the final IRS payment I needed to make for taxes, my upcoming Eating Peace retreat next week.

Fortunately for me…..I could feel the Not-True-ness of the wee-hours thoughts, and I soon fell back to sleep again.

But it reminded me of how painful it used to be to think I made the wrong decision.

I should have gone to a different college
I should have been more mentally healthy when I was in my twenties
I should have gone to that party last night
I should have chosen a more solid career earlier in life
I should have married an entrepreneur long ago, or a playwright

If you’ve ever thought you made the wrong decision, it can be a horrible feeling if you think the consequences or outcome is BAD.

Not long ago, a young woman wrote to me saying she needed help, she was filled with such regret about saying “no” to a man who asked her to marry him.

He went on to get married to another woman.

Her heart was broken, she said she felt desperate, devastated, like she’d made a terrible decision.

But who would she be without her belief her decision was “wrong”?

Who would any of us be without the belief that our past decisions were the “wrong” decisions?

What if we truly didn’t know? What if it was not true? What if it went the way it went for a very important reason?

Who would you be without your story that it should have gone differently, and YOUR DECISION was the cause of your suffering?

Even though you have a voice, and you did say “no” and you were the one who walked away, or you were the one who chose (apparently), you were the one who said “yes”, you were the one who did or didn’t follow a path, you were the one who turned left….

….who would you be without the belief this was all up to you.

This doesn’t mean it was someone else’s fault suddenly. This is more like, who would you be without it being anyone’s “fault” at all?

What if it should have gone just as it went?

Can you find anything, whatsoever, coming out of that decision and how things unfolded, that benefitted your life?

I notice, when I look at what resulted from my decisions, and trust the way life ran itself, many good things came from every choice (and I’m not sure it was ever “me” solely choosing anything, to be honest).

That college gave me support, kindness, and attention that no other more competitive environment had given me. I graduated. I grew more honest. I dated a very loving boyfriend. I had an amazing therapist who lived in the town of that college who taught me the art of journaling to get to know myself.

My mental suffering led me to a passion so deep for understanding the human condition, I was lit up with learning ever since. My career was awakening, what could be more thrilling, and why would I want anything more solid?

I should have married exactly who I did, and NOT married exactly who I did not. I should have married myself (the practice of a lifetime, and pure joy to be married to “me” now).

I should not have gone to that party the other night.

It was a beautiful, restful, gentle night of silence, wondering, making peace with my college days, making friends with thinking, meditating in the night, spending time with my life partner husband in great connection, watching the rest of Mooji (one of my favorite teachers) miraculously on video even though he was in India and I was in Seattle, feeling the space of inner peace deep, deep within, feeling grateful.

Can you find, in this present moment, what is OK about it, no matter what decision you ever made?

YOU made that decision, is it true?

“When you believe you can make the wrong decision…you’re in past, future, past, future…don’t worry about the present, just past, future, past, future!….The universe will give you what you need. There are soooo many advantages. If you’re of sound mind, how could you possibly believe you made a mistake?” ~ Byron Katie video clip youtube

Every thought somehow, lately, feels less true than ever, and fading into oblivion.

Without this moment having anything wrong with it–including a past decision?

Presence, here now. Life. Joy. It is a feeling in the very center of anything that could be thought.

Can you feel it?

Much love, Grace

April 8, 2016

explore your cravings to discover infinite power

So touched by my latest Peace Talk conversation with Debra Wilkinson, awakened and bright (and free from nutty eating, a freedom we share).

*******************

Next week I’m off to California to teach Eating Peace near Oakland, starting Friday 9:30 am. Join me if what you really want is to understand what makes you eat (or think) out-of-balance without trying to destroy your cravings, or yourself, on the way.

Why do I mention this idea about destroying cravings?

Well…..isn’t it what we’ve all wished for, or tried to do, unsuccessfully? The cravings sure don’t have to be about food. they can be for anything.

We wish we’d stop wanting or thinking about “x”, we go to war and try to kill the craving for “x”, but the image or desire for “x” keeps returning.

I got to work with a lovely inquirer just yesterday, on her cravings for potato chips. This is not the first time someone has come to a session to inquire on craving, specifically, potato chips.

But you can do this on anything: chocolate, sugar, tobacco, alcohol, sex, gambling, cleaning, internetting, working, exercising, wealth.

The feeling is “I have to do this”.

You won’t feel settled, calm, and relaxed until you get or do this thing.

I often found inside myself that this deep craving, and the activity of pursuing it and feeding it (literally, for me) was my reaction to a belief.

If you have NO IDEA what belief you’re thinking that would drive you to ingest something or do something whacked like spend $1000 on credit cards you don’t have, then take a moment to do this exercise. The inquirer working on her craving for potato chips did this with me yesterday.

Invite the craving to take a physical shape and form, like a person.

What does this being look like?

Did you hear the knock on the door? Say “come in” for once, instead of “get lost you creep!”

Have them sit down with you, like you’re doing a therapy session with them, or a special heart-to-heart conversation, or a mediated talk.

Tell the craving you’re sorry you’ve been trying to kill them all these years, and now….you’re willing to listen.

Get out your notebook, like you’re an amazing world famous journalist, and start writing.

What color is this craving? Where does it sit, in relation to you (and especially when it was around and you wound up getting overwhelmed by it)? What is its temperature? What shape is it? Where is it moving? What does it remind you of?

If this craving had a voice, what would it tell you?

Ask it why it’s here? What’s it trying to help you avoid? What’s it trying to help you get, that you think is missing right now?

When you think about the last time this craving visited you, what else were you upset about, or worried about, or thinking about….that the craving needed to come visit?

What do you believe, if anything, that you can’t handle? What do you believe is really honestly missing, in that moment where you needed to do something, or eat something?

What was wrong with that moment, that getting this thing or doing this activity would soothe?

These are some very powerful questions.

Questions that help you get curious about what’s going on, instead of remain at war.

Because what I do know about war with reality is, you lose.

And craving/grabbing/reaching/wanting is a part of your reality, right?

“Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy–the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light.”

~ Brene Brown

No, this is not about giving in to your cravings and gobbling everything in sight for the rest of your life.

It’s the opposite.

This is about dealing with them once and for all.

It’s not easy, but discovering the infinite power of your light is no small thing.

It’s worth it.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Eating Peace Retreat.

April 6, 2016

I am bad

dooropening — What are you without the belief you’ve made a mistake, done it wrong, or that you’re bad?

“If I had derived my identity from what the world was telling me, or what my mind used to tell me, I would have been a total failure. Then…a total success.”

I had to chuckle while listening to the brilliant Eckhart Tolle as he said these words, describing himself first at age 50 and then a few years later, after his book the Power of Now had swept the world and become a best seller.

He was talking about this Self, whatever he apparently was (which he no longer believed anyway).

For most of us, we have moments of feeling like failures, or successes, and everything in between.

Have you ever felt like you failed with a partner? Failed with your kid? Failed in “x” area?

(I often hear about failure from people who have struggled with addictions–someone just wrote to me this morning, for example, pleading for help with her eating disorder).

My heart goes out to people when they feel this self-criticism and negativity, this torture about being who they are.

I am bad.

I know it’s hard to do The Work on ourselves, but let’s look today….it’s what appears today for inquiry!

If I really ask myself about this idea of being bad, whether I am bad or someone else is bad, I notice I have this equal and opposite urge to move into the idea “no you aren’t, stop thinking that, you’re good, it’s OK” and wanting to soothe.

Both sides of that BAD coin don’t really feel that great, though. Not thinking you’re bad, not thinking you need soothing and fixing.

Not if YOU are the bad one/failing one….or if someone ELSE is the bad one/failing one.

So let’s take a look.

I am bad, a failure.…(here’s my proof: I’m acting too negative, I’m co-dependent, thinking about “x” too much, Not Present, not being the perfect spiritual person, too critical, a procrastinator, not organized enough, not living up to my fullest potential, didn’t make enough money, didn’t plan well, not succeeding, mediocre, eating ice cream, drinking coffee, watching netflix, etc, etc, etc).

You’ve got your thing you’re failing at, right?

Bad Job.

Is it true?

Well…..yeah.

I mean, look at her, him, them. Do you see those people? Those are SUCCESSFUL people.

Now look at me. See what I mean? I’ve had a whole lifetime and my sisters are doing “x” and I have a midget-sized house and I never get my book done and there are all these incredible people making a million dollars (not me) and I never learned a second language and I haven’t done a Ted Talk and…..

You get the idea.

You may notice you have moments in time where the way you spoke with someone, you considered “bad” or “failure”.

But are you sure it’s absolutely true that YOU are bad, wrong, a failure in that situation?

Who is the You who is answering this question?

Who is the You who you’re looking at, the bad one? Where is this person? Where is this person right NOW?

How do you react when you believe the thought you’re bad, wrong, you failed?

I don’t know about you…..but it’s a dark, cold, sinking, thick feeling.

I can hear it when I’m facilitating people who have this thought. They report that they feel sick when they believe this thought, or depressed. Or, like the person who wrote to me today….they’re frantic, desperate, suicidal.

Now, pause.

Who would you be without your thought that you are bad, you did it wrong, you failed?

Yes….as you watch yourself and your mind fill with images of the past and the mistakes, and images of the future you’re worried will happen….

….who would you be, even if you’ve got pictures running through your head, or voices chattering on the inside….

….who would you be WITHOUT believing this thought?

Just hold still for a minute.

What is happening right now, without any idea that you’ve done something wrong, or anything bad, or bad-ness is part of you or what you are in some situation?

You might still feel some feelings, like sadness, or very afraid, or nervous, or dull, jumpy, thick.

You feel how the energy is moving and where it floats and what happens to it, without the thoughts you’re bad. Close your eyes and feel it, feel everything here now.

Do you feel it? Just the sense of pulsing, and being alive, and what it’s like to not be so sure of your mental evaluations of yourself?

What if you just did not know what was true about “you”?

Kinda funny. Makes me smile, actually.

Can you turn this belief around to the opposite?

I am not bad. I am good. I am ____. I am.

Ooohhh.

“The body reacts to your mind. The body believes your thoughts to be real. Mind patterns often create fear. The thought creates the emotion because you’re totally identified with the thought. The body responds as if the thought is reality. The body can’t tell the difference, what you think affects the body. By seeing thought as untrue is the only way to become free. You can only see it as untrue with awareness. Without awareness, the thought swallows up your entire consciousness. Simply allow everything to be here. Allow the feeling to be here. Without feeling you shouldn’t feel it either. Allowing it….brings awareness.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I notice the sense of “bad” or “good” is ever-changing, coming and going, here then not here.

Letting it all be here, just the way it is.

No mistakes.

Much love, Grace

April 5, 2016

Eating Peace: You Can Do This….Even If It Hurts

I’m getting so excited for my trip to San Francisco area to teach Eating Peace for 3 days. The perfect sized group is forming for this supportive, beautiful, gentle and incredibly transformative time to investigate and be with food, eating, our bodies and our thoughts.

You may have tried everything to lose weight, to stop binge-eating or graze-eating, to end this love-hate relationship with food, to love your body as is.

But most of us know these days, with so much deep wisdom emerging in the past several decades for everyone…..

…..that ultimately any weird relationship with anything or anyone, including eating, is a cry for help and a symptom of turmoil inside.

It’s not easy to face your pain. In fact, it may hurt.

But let me tell you, it sure is easier than working so hard by trying to avoid it, shove it under the rug, hide it, or destroy it with mass psychic weapons. This requires immense energy.

What a relief to not be run by your painful thinking, your painful memories.

Watch here today to hear me talk about feeling this pain, and finding relief.

When you first stop, it may feel terrifying to NOT do your usual behavior. But soon….it becomes a huge relief.

Big love,

Grace

April 4, 2016

What to do about the annoying victim on the couch (+ Breitenbush scoop)

Breitenbush Pool — Soak in Inquiry and Hotsprings at Breitenbush June 22-26, 2016

It’s time!

BREITENBUSH time! I just found out today that registration is well underway and we’re filling, including two men already (sometimes I get the question, how many men are attending)? It’s an absolutely lovely group.

Breitenbush is in the lush old-growth forest of Oregon in the most glorious fairyland you’ve ever seen. A place for mind, body, spirit renewal…the dining hall serves three amazing vegetarian organic meals per day, there are mineral hotsprings and sauna for soaking, and you have your choice for accommodations including adorable little warm cabins. June 22-26, 2016.

An incredible time for identifying what’s going on within you that you find disturbing, where your stressful thoughts come from, and learning and practicing the powerful four questions known as The Work of Byron Katie.

Our retreat is called Declare Peace, and my wonderful assistant and friend Susan Beekman brings her big heart, clarity, and long-time experience in facilitation of The Work to our group. Limited to 26 people, and we do sell out. Make your reservations soon to get the best sleeping arrangement. Come soak in inquiry…and peace.

24 Credits for Candidates in Institute for The Work, 26 CEUs for mental health professionals (Washington State Society for Clinical Social Work). Forward this to friends. Would so love to meet you!

(Secret surprise….everyone who comes to Breitenbush gets free access to Summer Camp for The Mind, the follow-up online camp of five calls per week, you can dial-in any time and keep on doing The Work July and August).

*************

What a victim.

Seriously.

Did you hear him say that?

I was having a conversation, on the inside of my own head, about one of my first clients when I first started out.

This client had one complaint after another. My terrible childhood. My horrible ex-wife. That awful accident. That ridiculous family growing up.

All the reasons why he screwed up and failed and can’t get a job, or can’t support his kids, or can’t quit smoking, and why he was an alcoholic for many years.

He’s such a victim.

Yeah, I agree 100%.

Refer him to someone else.

No kidding, he’s outta here. I am never meeting with this guy again!

My mind was already chattering away based on about three hours of being with him (three sessions), declaring that his perception of being alive was like a theater on 1^st avenue downtown….

….All Victim All of The Time! Victims Come On In–Open 24 Hours Day Or Night! Nobody Loves Me! Nobody Cares About Me!

Ew.

Can’t he see how sorry he feels for himself, like he’s missed out when all these other people got the breaks?

I especially love the victim story of how he got accepted to Yale but his parents wouldn’t pay tuition, and he would have been classmates with “x” famous person.

And how his former wife created real war against him.

Such a shame, shame, shame, such a shame.

That’s his trumpet call….or maybe the oboe or the cello is more like it. Oh wait. The violin, that’s right.

But while this energy began to rise, sitting in his presence….listening….I also had another voice.

And I’m not talking about the voice that says what a mean, nasty person I am for being so harsh and presuming to know what’s best for this guy (he should stop being such a victim! duh!) or that I’m so horrible and un-spiritual and holier-than-thou and I should be more forgiving to this person and all sentient beings and stop being such an ass.

No. Not that voice. Not the Spiritual Advisor Voice.

Those two used to fight it out all the time. Getting nowhere, I might add. (You may have noticed this within yourself).

This was a new voice, a new sort of energy.

It had the feel of….

.….“Hey, do you notice how annoyed you’re getting with this man? This is worthy of inquiry. This is one of those places to look. Feel it. Find out what’s going on. Listen, listen. Don’t give up so quick about ever seeing him again.”

I remembered how some people I had thought of as the biggest victims in the world, who had really dreadful stories they could keep beefing up forever, surprised me with their wisdom and insight after doing The Work.

Or, not even that. They didn’t “need” to do The Work….they could be themselves and NEVER do The Work if they didn’t want to, and they showed me something unique and interesting. A wall I hit up against. A closet I needed to open.

So I remembered, for some weird reason that was not planned and not expected and I wasn’t “trying” to be “good” in my thoughts (thank God almighty) to be there with him, without my story.

Like a whisper.

Who would you be without your story right now, as you’re looking into this person’s eyes and sitting with them and watching them try to express how hurt they are, and how disappointed, and how full of despair and how hard it is to have the world done them wrong, and what a mess it all is?

What if I didn’t know why this guy was here, wanting to do The Work with me, but I assumed it was GOOD that he was here, with me…..FOR ME?

Wow. Yikes.

Interesting.

It didn’t mean I have to invite him to stay longer than an hour, or come back next week for that matter. Or ever see him again.

“Let’s slow down, and look at what you’re thinking here” I said.

“Let’s look at one single thought only, in one moment in time, in just one situation you’ve mentioned.”

He looked up, as if out of a trance.

“OK.”

He stopped talking. I suggested he look down at his worksheet and fill it out. He was sitting there with a blank worksheet, and 15 minutes had already passed into the hour-long session.

Now, it was dead quiet for a few minutes, while he scratched away with a pencil.

Later, I filled out my own worksheet on him, going backwards into that moment when I felt like I couldn’t stand another whiney comment.

“He should stop being such a bloody victim.”

Is it true?

Yes. Yes. Yes. I hated that energy, that story. So sticky, so needy, so addictive. Everyone else’s fault.

Can you absolutely know it’s true he should stop being such a victim?

Can you absolutely know he IS a victim?

Oh.

Wait.

You mean….he might not be a victim? Well, that’s crazy. Did you hear his stories?

I took a deep breath.

I suddenly noticed something profound. I had joined in believing almost instantly that he WAS a victim, and he should therefore stop.

I could only assume he should stop being that victim over there if I assumed he actually was.

Was he?

Could I absolutely KNOW it?

Yikes….but did you hear the highlights of his life, his tone, his attitude, his powerlessness, his……

No. Even though he was practically trying to convince me (and it basically worked, I realized, for awhile) I did not KNOW for sure he was a victim.

How do I react when I believe he’s a victim, or anyone is?

Strangely, I want to attack that person. Like I actually want to smack them away from me.

Sitting more deeply with this reaction….it’s a fear. I feel myself getting sucked into the story, I want to resist, I don’t like this dark story, I don’t like the river of They Did It To Me, or Life Is A Bitch.

I want to kill that story, like they say in the newspapers.

So who would I be without this thought that he’s a victim, and he should stop?

Wow.

It feels a little detached. Is this OK?

It feels like a gulp of grief in the throat, but a knowing where this is all going is actually very mysterious and very unknown. I might even hear what he’s saying and know he is a life force sitting here with me, right across from me, sharing this air and space and time and moment, just the way the floor, the carpet, the clock on the wall, the bookcase, and the doorknob are sharing this space in this moment.

Who would I be without the belief he’s had it bad? (And, it’s OK to imagine this thought, I’m not betraying his story or making it wrong that he’s telling it).

I’d be with him the same way I can be with the flower on the table.

Sort of in awe at how strange, how pretty, how unknown this living thing is, and feeling it alive with me fully in this moment….knowing it will also be gone soon, and this is the Way Of It.

Without the belief in Victimhood, and how it should be avoided (ha ha) I notice how we made it this far, both he and I. No idea what’s going on. But we’re sitting together. Here. That’s it.

What’s the opposite? What’s the turnaround?

He’s not a victim, and he shouldn’t stop being what he is, either.

Kinda funny, right?

Let’s look.

He is not a victim. He’s powerful, he’s life, he’s a creature, he’s sitting there making noise called “words” and “talking”. Why not? It’s a free country!

(I see a lightening flash image of a kid in my fourth grade class joking around. His white teeth bright as he smiles and laughs, running away towards the ball….”it’s a free country!!” and we’re all laughing, some kids shouting protests, everyone set loose with the joy of playing).

He should be exactly the way he is, in that moment.

I shouldn’t be a victim, not of his story (thinking I need to brace against his words like they could bother me), and not of my own version of the world and my Bad Stuff Happens view I get into if you give me just a teensy reason to worry (it doesn’t take much).

Why should he be as he is?

Well, it appears people go through rough events, to say the least, in this world. He’s reporting about his experience on the front line.

Grieving about these events is powerful. It helps them be expressed and moved through. We all know the “keep it to yourself” story doesn’t work so good. It often leads to suppression, addiction, ticks.

Why should this man be as he is FOR ME, the one apparently playing the facilitator role in that moment?

Because I got this amazing chance to question Victim-ness, in someone sitting across from me.

The most amazing turnaround is that he shows me….myself.

What I’m against. What I think I can’t handle.

Can I allow him to be just as full of complaints as he is? Why not?

Can I allow myself to be just as full of my complaints as I am?

Doesn’t that feel lighter and easier and less controlled?

Ha ha. Yes!

“What happens when we drop all the labels, all the learned descriptions, and face the raw energy of life, as it is in this moment, without trying to change, escape from, or cling to it? What happens when we drop all descriptions of what this moment is or is not and deeply feel into present sensations? This is where the real adventure of life begins…..It is the falling away of all ideas of how this moment should be.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

This moment (the one back then) should have included a man telling me a long story of his own powerlessness, suffering, and how it wasn’t his fault.

As he reported about his life, I felt my own resistance and instead of attacking it, or him, or me….I did The Work.

Isn’t what I always wanted was to have moments where my ideas would fall away of what someone else (and what I) should be like? Isn’t facing the raw energy of life, this client and the whole scene that went with it, a pretty easy way to drop labels and stories?

Thanks, client, for being just irritating enough that I had to go on the inner adventure I really wanted. It’s called Laughter and Gratitude.

Nice.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Got someone who bugs you? Retreat is an amazing place to turn it around with inquiry, silence, looking, and sharing with others. Come to Breitenbush in Oregon, or the 3 Day spring retreat in Seattle. Breitenbush is on early-bird special until May 1 (an amazing $100 off for $395 for 4 nights plus meals and lodging) andspring retreat is $395 for 3 full days in Seattle (no extra fees). This is a blast. The best kind.

Where the real adventure of life begins. A questioned mind.

April 3, 2016

Who is making you do it?

dictator1 — We have ways to make you do that task. (Believe your thoughts)!

As someone who has a private practice, it’s weird how often I notice thoughts about Employment vs My Own Business.

The other day, one of my clients who has been working with me for a very long time, wanted to dig deeper into her thoughts about work and jobs and career.

She was at a crossroads, had been sitting there for awhile, and through the work we had done together she was wondering if she should go left, or right.

She needed to take action.

(She needed some money–although we had done quite a bit of work on that over time and she was fairly relaxed about money overall, and had a good chunk of it in the bank).

But “doing” something was calling to her.

I had her make a list about her beliefs about getting a new job, or starting her own business (she saw the choice between the two as a key dilemma, or decision).

I’ve done this work myself.

I decided to do it again, after my day was over and this client kept popping in my head.

Here are the stressful concepts I myself found when it comes to the two ways to make a living and earn money, which have been my primary options in life (so far):

Being Employed (Job):	Having Your Own Business:
Commuting	Volatile Income
Co-workers	Taxes
Required meetings	Hustling to fill retreats
Doing tedious or pointless tasks	Difficult (or irritating) clients
Must be onsite/at work	DIY (Do It Yourself or Hire It)
Five days a week	Working all hours, any time
Boring	People wanting it for free

As I sat down to make comparisons, I could see how fast the mind would like to see what’s good about that other position over there, and bad about this one.

Or….what’s good about this position here, and bad about that one over there. (I love how this comparison drops in quickly when hearing about another person’s difficult plight, or remember BAD scenarios from the past).

Every single item on each list is worthy of questioning and clearing the mind, with The Work.

But the other day, when I wrote out this list, I had an almost-aggressive feeling about the pointless, tedious tasks I used to have to perform at my previous job, as I remembered it.

Data collecting, and putting the data into an excel spreadsheet.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I loved having the data–it was quite fascinating, and I loved making the charts and looking at comparisons and sort of the big picture, and sharing them with the leaders involved who cared about these results….

….but I HATED that I had to do the data entry.

Yuck.

SUCH A DRAG! NEVER AGAIN! (Grrrr, RESIST).

Can’t someone else do this? It’s so stupid. And boring. A waste of my time.

I hate when you have a job, you’re an employee, and you have to do stuff you hate!

This is so close to the work my client did….let’s question it!

You may have had the same thought as well, about anything in life you dreaded doing, thought it was boring, thought it was repetitive, dull, annoying, even overwhelming…..

….but you HAD TO DO IT.

Is that true?

Yes. It’s in the job description. I could get fired if I don’t…..

Are you sure?

No. I’ve never told anyone how much I hate doing it. Not one single person at this company. Including my boss.

How do you react when you think “I HAVE to do this task!”

I put it off. I wait until the last minute possible. I try to think of rewards, or motivation, or what I’ll do when I’m done. I do it, and bear it rather than enjoy one ounce of it. I feel tense, and tired. I look at my co-workers and see what they’re doing, and notice it’s better (or worse).

I think about quitting. Inside my head, I actually say “when I quit, I will feel sooooooo good….” and dream of the day, in the future.

But who would I be right now, without the belief “I HAVE to do this task”?

What if you couldn’t think about how you’re forced to do it, or it’s required, or it’s necessary, or fundamental to success, or that you better do it, or else (big disastrous picture)?

Without this thought of being so against this task, what my client noticed was she might ask for help, ask others if they’d be willing to do it, work with a partner, find support, or even ask other people what they suggest about how to do this task stress-free!

As my client did The Work, I realized *ping* how I never, ever asked my boss if there were any alternatives to me doing the data entry.

I always went to all our meetings, especially our annual review meetings (the ones all about me and my performance) with anxiety, with a sense of wanting to be extremely pleasing, dreading any criticism.

I was so on the defense from receiving criticism and trying to be perfect, that I didn’t ask for support or talk about what I didn’t like, or even consider what I’d like to do more.

Wow.

Turning the thought around:

You do not HAVE to do that task.

Could that be just as true, or truer?

Yes, for me in my situation, I didn’t “have” to do it. No one was holding a gun to my head. I wanted to keep my job. I wanted to get praised. I wanted to be thought of as the one who did it right, and did it well, and didn’t make requests.

I kept doing it! This job was many years ago, and it only occurred to me during this client’s recent inquiry that I never explored one other option, not once, than Doing It.

Who believed they HAD to do it?

That was me.

Kind of coo-coo bird, how much I blamed the job. But I didn’t know, until now, to question that thought and stop being such a victim. Must be perfect timing…now.

“An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace