Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
This morning’s telejam session doing The Work, for anyone and everyone from all over the world, was so touching. Several people sent $10 and some sent more….which feels so generous (and it’s OK if you have nada, that’s what these sessions are for–I will be offering them every month).
We filled out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on one specific situation unique to our own lives, a situation we’re not liking so much.
The most simple place to start this work is on a difficult relationship with someone. It can be anyone.
Your co-worker who’s sooooo annoying you go down the other hallway when you see her coming. Your father when you phone home and he hands the phone immediately over to your mom and hardly says a word. That boyfriend you kinda liked but who disappeared. Your brother who beat you up when you were both kids.
Pick anyone in your life, and you probably have an opinion about them. Maybe not so stressful, especially if they’re mostly a stranger….although even a stranger can incite serious rage in some people. (I can’t believe that guy just cut me off! Jerk!)
Tomorrow morning, we’re starting a course for six weeks together to dig into some of these kinds of beliefs about the human race.
I usually don’t send an email twice in one day, but I’m making sure you know we’ve got space. There’s only four folks and we’re on. Write me if you absolutely cannot afford the fee ($297) because maybe this is the time for some financial help so you can question your stress around people.
I’ll guide you through filling out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, slowly considering what thoughts need to be written on that thing, how to work with what’s bothering you in any given situation.
Family member, spouse, partner, guy you’re dating, neighbor, that woman who works in your building, your boss….
….come bring your beliefs about this person to this course, so you can investigate more deeply rather than just believing what you think (which hurts).
I noticed, when on my own, I did The Work only sometimes, I rarely sat still for the full length of an inquiry, I got so much more out of it when I gathered with at least one other person.
“An unquestioned mind is the world of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie
Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com if you want “in”. I’ll send you all the information. Yes, you can listen to recordings if you miss a class. All you need is a phone or skype, or computer to connect.
Time to address the thoughts you’ve carried maybe for a lifetime. This is a chance to see what happened in that situation you found so horrible, or aggravating, or sad. You can question the thoughts. You can wonder if they’re true. You can find turnarounds.
Recently I found out someone who took a course with me was about to teach a course of his own using the same exercises and topic. He set the fee at the same exact rate, and the course was the same exact amount of weeks.
Honestly, I have no idea what to think about this kind of thing.
It’s a complete honor to have someone feel the exercises I’m offering are so good they want to use them.
The Work is also free. Everything of true value is accessible to anyone and everyone. No course is required for freedom. No course is required for human peace.
What is my little thought, the thing that feels weird about it, where I thought I needed to say something.….but what?
I knew what to do first.
Write down my brainstorm of thoughts, especially the stressful ones.
I worked my ass off, through suffering, and through recovery, to discover these exercises–he should think up his own work instead of copying mine.
He’s doing better than me, he’s delivering my work to many people, he’s more successful, he’s winning
I have personal transformation, and so much to offer, yet other people do it more extensively and with more confidence
He shouldn’t have signed up for my course just to get all the curriculum (he was deceptive)
I need him, and the world, to honor and respect and include me instead of leaving me out
He is sneaky, stealing from me, he used me
I’m not good enough, I’m not charismatic enough, I’ve got some kind of problem reaching others (he doesn’t)
I felt sooooo much scarcity, so much competition.
And what’s more is, I loved this guy and he was such a great participant in the program. (But he’s a liar!)
Whew.
Have you ever felt competition with someone else in your life, or jealousy, less-than, disappointment, or the sense of not being acknowledged, left out, withheld from, or stepped over?
OK, let’s do The Work.
Find that situation in your life where you felt this with someone.
Is it true, in that situation with that person, that you’re being copied and at the same time Not Acknowledged? Is it true that this other person’s success means you fail?
This happens a lot when someone feels rejected because of being “left” in their relationship for someone else, and then they see their former partner with a new lover.
They’re wrong. You’re missing out. You lose. It’s their fault, or even if you know it isn’t, you hate them anyway.
There they are, enjoying themselves together, and you’ve got no one, you’re not doing it right. You weren’t acknowledged, or included. You weren’t appreciated.
Is it true?
Can you be absolutely sure it’s true, really?
No.
How do you react when you believe it’s true that you’re missing out, or someone deceived you?
Oh man.
The way I react is total beeline focus on that person and wondering why they get the goods, and not me. Over and over again every day thinking this! Sad, upset, feeling bad about myself or sorry for myself. Furious at that person and how great they’re doing. Hoping that person does horribly, has a bad experience, and doesn’t succeed as much as they hoped (hoping they’ll also feel pain).
Yikes.
It’s embarrassing on top of it to even admit the immaturity in the thinking, the urge to withdraw, to never speak up, to shrink.
But who would you be without your thoughts about that other person, and about yourself?
Who would you actually be right now without the belief someone’s stealing from you, or you aren’t appreciated? Without the thought you’re missing out, and they’re succeeding? (And this does NOT mean you won’t say something to the person if it’s wise, mature and loving)?
Who would you actually be, right now?
Bam. Instantly I’m back inside my own body, in my own surroundings, full of curiosity and wonder.
I am supposed to be here, to be me doing the courses I do which seem to have a never-ending creativity to them. I am supposed to be this–because I am.
Without my troubled thoughts of scarcity and competition, I’d be open, curious, excited, noticing what my passions are.
I’d also remember how much I’ve gleaned from others I’ve studied–in fact, maybe everything I ever create a curriculum around is a collection of information from others. Nothing’s actually original.
Turning it all around:
I am appreciated, by me for the work I love to do, and by this man who loved my curriculum. He shouldn’t think up his own work, he should copy mine (it’s that good)! I’m doing just fine, sharing, working with people, enjoying this thing I call “work” immensely.
Oh lordy.
Who would you be without your fear of losing, of comparison, or of having others steal your material?
Happy.
If you’d like to join a small group for six Wednesday mornings from 9-10:30 am, we’ll be taking a sweet dive into some of these strange stressful concepts that arise within when it comes to others.
We start tomorrow!
Module One: Relationship Happiness, What Do You Believe? Find Out by Identifying Clearly What You Think
Module Two: What Should Be True (That Isn’t) and Using Your Imagination to Turn Your Beliefs Around
Module Three: Fear, Loss, and Dependency–Questioning the Pain of Avoiding the Future, or Resenting the Past
Read about the course HERE and register, too (only $297). I’d love you to join me.
If you’d like to join the online meetup for anyone, beginner to experienced, we’ll all dial in tomorrow and do The Work.
I’ll guide you through filling out a worksheet on your judgments on any situation bringing you disturbance, then we’ll work on one thought from start to finish. Click HERE to join tomorrow morning. It’s a good sampling of this work if you’re considering joining theRelationships 6 week teleclass that starts Wednesday morning! You can participate, or just listen.
Speaking of relationships.
who would you be if you make peace with the story of goodbye?
Somewhere along the way in my history and practice of doing The Work, I noticed a thought that continuously came to the surface about other people.
If they criticized me, or confronted me, or challenged me, or disagreed strongly with me, I felt a terror within of potential abandonment.
Sometimes an incredibly fast reaction to this fear occurred almost immediately. Anger. If they abandon me….fine. They aren’t worth it either, they’re the jerk, they screwed up, good riddance, etc. I ditch them! Take that!
Such a great word “ditch” I noticed. I think I started speaking it, withothers kids, maybe around 3rd grade.
“Let’s ditch him!”
Weird how it showed up that way in our language. It didn’t mean anything horribly wrong. We’d be acting it out more like a hide and seek game.
And yet….how awful, sometimes, to be the one ditched.
What does it conjure up in the mind? I picture someone getting thrown in a ditch and buried at the side of a road, rather than in a graveyard. The poorest kind of abandonment and lack of caring. A sense of being discarded and worthless. No funeral. No acknowledgement. No connection. Treated like garbage.
Ouch.
I notice, I think it’s true.
I think it’s true that sets of people can ditch other sets of people (war) and families can leave families (what happened to my ancestors immigrating from Sweden and Ireland) and relationships can suddenly, or not-so-suddenly end, and people can die.
I know how I react when a friendship has disappeared and someone I cared deeply about stopped speaking to me or, I stopped speaking to someone I cared about (yes, I’ve done it). I know what it’s like to have people I love so much die.
It feels heart-breaking.
But who would I be without the story that the heart is actually severed in two? Who would I be without the story of being ditched? Who would I be without the story that heart-break is terrible and to be avoided at all costs, or even CAN be avoided?
Who would you be without the story that heart-break is impossible to live through, or that when you’ve ditched someone or they’ve ditched you, you can’t live a joyful, meaningful, engaged life and go on?
Turning the thought around: I am not ditched by my friend, I did not ditch that man I once knew. I ditched myself. Ditching hasn’t happened.
How could this be just as true, or truer? What are some examples?
I notice I’m here, alive in this temporary moment. I remember the people with care and attention and love who I no longer see regularly in person. Life has gone on after others are no longer present, they’ve left, or have even died. I have new friends in my life, constantly.
I will be gone someday too.
Does that mean I’m ditching planet earth?
Ha ha….not at all.
As if “I” could be even doing that anyway, in the first place.
I would be simply moving on, following the way of it, moving with the universe. I’d be someone with a heart broken over and over again, but somehow it was OK anyway.
Because I’m here, right now.
“When you inner dependency on form is gone, the general conditions of your life, the outer forms, tend to improve greatly. Things, people, or conditions that you thought you needed for your happiness now come to you with no struggle or effort on your part, and you are free to enjoy or appreciate them–while they last….Even if everything were to collapse and crumble all around you, you would still feel a deep inner core of peace. You may not be happy, but you will be at peace.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Right now, I notice, if I want to make contact with someone I haven’t connected with in a very long time…or I have thoughts about being ditched or ditching someone else…I can actually make it right, without expectation for anything happening next.
I can write a letter to that someone and let them know they were not worthless or discarded, if this is appropriate and wise. I can write to family members or ancestors even when they are no longer alive and send the letter to them through fire (burning it). I can sit still and feel the deep inner core of life within me and acknowledge the peace.
I can feel the presence of Reality, the Universe, or God handling all of this without my approval, and notice no matter how much ditching I’ve imagined has happened, something mysterious is still here anyway, and life is going on.
In fact, I am surrounded by things in this moment: chair, desk, lamp, carpet, humming sound of heater turning on, light, window, cup, sign, phone.
Nothing is absent in this moment. Even my stories. But I don’t have to act like they’re absolutely true and I need to do something about them based on terror or avoidance.
Not right now. I’ve got inquiry.
Then, movement and action can be born out of my stories based on love, and wisdom, instead.
Last night for the fourth night in a row I walked under a black sky studded with sparkling stars. Walking very slowly in the crisp air with my huge puffy blue down coat zipped up tight, I turned off my flash light, head tipped back in wonder.
A new friend and fellow scholar of the Orphan Wisdom School I’m enrolled in said “there are so many stars, I can’t even tell which is the big dipper”.
We paused under the brightness, and soon found the big dipper, and little dipper. Others were also here with us, all making our way back across a huge expansive night field towards our cars parked in a long row on a dirt road near the place we’re meeting.
Everyone was looking up.
At the very same moment in my mind I was thinking about something posed in our group just before we broke for the night.
Retreats are not necessary, not required.
Because this life is not about being as careful as possible so you make no mistakes, or figuring out how to fix yourself, or resolving your inner world once and for all, or finding the answer to what makes you happy.
No.
Life will always be imperfect, we’ll make mistakes, we won’t feel quite resolved, things will be messy.
Happiness will most likely be found through a powerful acceptance of the nuttiness and surprise of life, not in getting it all figured out and managed.
I thought about this concept of not needing “retreat” because not only have I been on many, many retreats of all kinds, shapes and sizes….
….I’ve also been in the place where I could not afford either the time or the money to go on retreat, or leave my daily life behind and meditate for a week.
Which brings me to one of the things I love about The Work and doing it as an ongoing practice every day.
All it is….is four questions, and trying on the turnarounds.
And all you do is ask these questions when you notice you feel stress, suffering, anything that keeps you from actively engaging fully in your own daily life.
Your daily life is your personal school.
When I notice there’s something that would prevent me from movement, action, a sense of holiness about even the most mundane daily activities, or lack of imagination and respect, I can ask these questions.
Is what I think right now true?
Can I absolutely know it’s true?
What happens and how do I react when I believe what I think? How do I speak? What do I say? How do I treat others? What do I do?
Who would I be without this belief running in my head? What would this look like? What would I say? How would I be with others? How would I treat people, myself, my life? What else is possible instead of thinking the same way I’ve always thought, or everyone around me has always thought?
And after this deep exploration, we get to find the turnarounds.
What is the complete opposite, or what if I turned what I think upside down, or switched places with the person in question, or wondered if what’s happening is for some hidden benefit I don’t know of yet?
What if I wasn’t against what’s going on so completely, with a sense of war, defense or attack towards it?
It doesn’t mean I have to like it, or love it, or support what’s going on, or be thrilled with what I’ve encountered….
….not at all.
But the mind opening up into all possibilities, not trying to fix things or people or myself, not trying to stay in a game of good vs evil….
….wow. It is freedom. To “wonder” about life is freedom.
It will break your heart, too. But you won’t be numb anymore.
I love how The Work is a great investigation, and you don’t have to go anywhere to start. You can do it right now, with just one thing you’re suffering about.
Instead of giving up, growing passive, feeling hopeless….you can be yourself, in action, alive, being.
If you’re not sure how, or you want to practice with a group, you really CAN do The Work without leaving your own home. I’ll be offering an inquiry call Tuesday morning May 3rd from 7:45 – 9:00 am Pacific Time. You can drop in or drop off the call any time, so come to all or a part of it.
You’ll get the chance to identify your thoughts about a difficult or stressful situation, and do The Work on just one belief you have about it. You can share out loud, or just listen.
“Can we stop pretending to know, and rest in wonder and never-ending mystery?” ~ Jeff Foster
In the Eating Peace Core Teleclass, we explore how the mind takes over our experience of eating and our relationship to food becomes eating war, not eating peace.
But when you travel and leave home or are faced with something different and unusual with eating, anxiety and war-like thoughts might become even MORE difficult.
When you leave home, or change something familiar….even going out to eat at a new restaurant or attending a meal at someone’s home….
….many people with eating concerns think “Oh no, what will they serve? What will I eat? Will it be OK? I might overeat! I might not get enough! I’ll probably gain weight!” and on and ond with fearful anxious thoughts.
First, take a deep breath.
(What I always love to call the “first course” of any meal….a deep breath).
Then, do this (watch the video). Nothing else required.
If you’re ready to join the next Eating Peace Core teleclass, the next one is 8 weeks (instead of 6) and we’ll meet on Mondays 5:30-7:00 pm Pacific time starting May 9th. (Yes, you can listen to the recordings if you can’t make it live….and I will also offer this course on a morning hour in the future as well Pacific Time if this works better with your schedule).
Module One: (weeks one and two) Underlying Beliefs that fuel eating off-balance and the Food Plan. Should you follow a food plan, or not? I’ll share when it’s a good idea, and when not. I’ll also share the most common underlying beliefs I’ve found that create eating havoc. You’ll send me your peaceful food plan and I’ll share mine with you.
Module Two: (weeks three and four) Judging Bodies. What are your thoughts about how you should look, or what those other people look like? What do you think of other perfect bodies? We’ll explore why we
Module Three: (weeks five and six) Who Taught You? Here we look at what we innocently learned from those around us, whether family of origin or society or both. We learn to disconnect our actions from what we thought was “truth” about eating.
Module Four: (weeks seven and eight) Peace Beyond Beliefs. We look even deeper at the underlying beliefs, including what we’re thinking there’s Not Enough or Too Much of in our lives that isn’t food.
If you’d like to come along on this journey, the core eating peace teleclass is a wonderful way to look closely at your relationship with food and what thoughts and feelings take you away from the natural peace within.
All you need to join the course is a phone, or skype, or any way to dial the number or connect to the event via computer. The course is audio only (not video). We will have only a small handful of people so I can give you personal attention on this journey.
My friend and colleague Doug Foresta (creative, thoughtful and hilarious too) interviewed me on his Empower Radio show. Listen as we talk about peace and he asks me….what is peace and how do we access it anyway, and other cool questions that I usually ask other people.
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Right Now, I have enough time.
So I’m not sure how it happened…..
….(OK, OK I know I am actually the person who said “yes” to my own calendar schedule, why’d you have to remind me?)….
….but I’m starting TWO teleclasses in the next ten days followed by a 3 day retreat here in Seattle area where we’ll be doing The Work and focusing deeply on how we create, feel and live the turnarounds we find when we do The Work (very cool exercises to help facilitate this together).
I seriously did not plan starting two teleclasses plus a retreat in such a condensed period of time on purpose.
I never would do that.
Except this statement appears to be untrue. As it turns out, I’m probably doing that.
Do you ever feel a time crunch scheduling conflict, and you’re a little stressed about the load?
Or, perhaps, it’s completely impossible to do what you think you wanted to do in the amount of time you had available to do it in?
Oy vey.
I need more time.
It’s sooooo true!
We’ve done similar inquiry before, but let’s see what happens today as we look more deeply at why we need more time, and what’s really going on with this belief “I need more time.”
This is one of those top-hit repeating thoughts. A stressful belief that appears and re-appears over and over.
So….why?
Why do you need more time?
Because I have special things to say about the Relationships Course and they need to be written, then shared, and special things to say about the Eating Peace course, and two different mailing lists of people interested in them, and I should tell them about what they’re like so they can decide if its a good time for them to take the plunge and do The Work in these areas.
Writing and making announcements takes time!
But I’m off in the hinterlands to hang out on the earth with a small tribe doing more non-writing-ish things. I won’t have my computer with me much. Although this hasn’t stopped me before.
Why do I need to write about my courses?
So people know about them, so they can opt-in and sign up. You can’t actually run a course or a retreat without people participating in it….right??!
(Not actually true, I realize. I can do The Work myself in quiet solitude and have a fabulous time being student and facilitator….although I’m pretty dang sure I wouldn’t sit as still, nor as quietly, nor as long, if on my own. But that’s another inquiry.)
Funny, though….having people enrolled seems important. It seems necessary. Maybe even critical for making this business of service in The Work to happen. How else do I join with others to do inquiry? How else do I earn a living?
This is VERY IMPORTANT!!
I do know, however, that creating offerings and sharing them with the world can be done stress-free (amazing, but true) and without the belief “I need more time!” screaming in my ears.
If you feel like you really need more time to complete something, or accomplish it the way you want, then this inquiry is for you.
This inquiry can happen when you’re on a freeway stuck in traffic and you’re late. It can happen if your biological clock is ticking and pretty soon it won’t be possible to have children. It can happen if you’re aging and you want to live to see more happen. It can happen if someone you love dearly is moving away, or terminally ill. It can happen if a buzzer just went off and you had to stop doing whatever you were doing.
I need more time….so I can savor what’s happening much longer, so I can not feel the loss, so I can feel filled up, so I can be satisfied, successful, achieve what I want, accomplish the dream, or live.
It’s a pretty big deal, this needing more time. A lot is hanging on it.
How do you react when you believe you need more time?
I make lists, sometimes physically but mostly in my head. I think since there’s pressure to get stuff done in a certain amount of time, I have to be hyper clear, on task, no “wasted” time. I feel a rushed energy within, tight and tense.
If someone interrupts you, and you’re believing you need more time, how do you treat that person? (Visions of telling my daughter NOT NOW when she burst through the door to my room).
Sometimes, with this belief, there’s sadness. Hand wringing. Fear. Pictures of what’s to come….like death, life over, time run out. I think about my dad dying long ago. I needed more time with him.
But who would you be without this thought that you need more time?
What if all those things you need more time for, can wait….or aren’t really necessary for happiness, right now?
Wait. What?
I don’t need more time with my dad, in order to be happy? I don’t need more time to wake up and get enlightened? I don’t need more time to make money?
Huh.
What if you stopped, in this moment, and noticed the space you’re in. Are you OK? What’s going on right now, no matter what the date, year, or hour on the clock says?
Ha ha, for me, I notice my body is ready to take a walk, not write. I put on my coat and slip my phone/camera into one pocket and my wallet in the other of my heavy down coat. I walk out on the street of this new city I’m in, where I’ve never been before. I stop in a little organic grocery mart and get some yummy food in a little bag, snack size. I step out again and begin to walk, having no mental idea of where I am, looking around at the buildings with fascination.
I stop sometimes and take a picture, I love buildings so much. I notice the odd arrangement of huge brick Victorian houses next to weird 1960s complexes. I walk and walk and breathe in the air and stare at the people, listen to the French and the English being spoken, and drink in the street.
And then, I turn a corner and before my eyes appears a massive gigantic building rising in the distance with a tall tower reminiscent of Big Ben in London, with gargoyles and flowery decor and massive windows, all across an expansive lawn. As I walk, I’m in the middle of a huge central square, and right near me a big beautiful flame burning as the sun sets in a sort of tureen in the middle of a wide stately walk.
Welcome to the Parliament of Canada, I read on the sign.
I had no idea this was here.
I do not need more time.
Could this opposite point of view be truer?
“Focus your attention on the now and tell me what problem you have at this moment….You are leaving behind the deadening world of mental abstraction, of time. You are getting out of the insane mind that is draining you of life energy, just as it is slowly poisoning and destroying the Earth. You are awakening out of the dream of time into the present.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Much love,
Grace
P.S. For either telecourse, or the retreat, you need no experience in self-inquiry. Come. Something in your mind produces stress when it comes to love, or that one particular relationship. Some thought in your mind produces agony when it comes to eating. Troubling thoughts about reality create a troubling reality. Come to teleclass, or to retreat in Seattle, and turn in the direction of peace.
Today I’m headed to the distant reaches north of Ottawa, to a cold (snow flurries recently reported) remote area to participate in Orphan Wisdom School with the good Stephen Jenkinson.
I’ll be taking my trusty laptop and sharing with you some of what happens there for me, especially when it comes to the power of self-inquiry and being on this beautiful and crazy planet. Who knows what will happen. Stay tuned!
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Grace Bell facilitating – notice the new gamer headphones, extremely hip. My game is inquiry, apparently.
During the past year, I’ve been doing more and more mini retreats, something I offered for the first time several years ago: a short intense half-day session doing The Work with a small group.
People come from all walks of life, and I’ve offered them online and in person.
This format morphed into mini-retreats-for-one, where a client and I meet for three hours whether in person or on facetime or skype or facebook video call. The amount of time feels luxurious and incredibly powerful and helpful.
The number of people taking this option has exponentially increased, maybe because it’s such a sweet deep dive. It’s amazing to have the time available to really go beyond the traditional once per week 50 minute sessions in many healing professions (this way isn’t always ideal for everyone).
I wanted to make sure you knew this was an option for you. If you’re concerned with anxiety, eating issues, a really difficult relationship (or lack of one) or trouble at your job, career, a co-worker, it can be awesome to sit with your mind and a facilitator for 3 whole hours.
What I didn’t expect was that people who chose this format for meeting….would want to come back two weeks later for another mini retreat. As long as I have room and space, I’ll do this for the significantly smaller fee than the usual rate for solo sessions (3 hours for mini retreats right now = $225).
So why is this way working, I wondered?
I didn’t even think I had enough 3-hour chunks in my schedule to find space, but they keep appearing to open up just right, for example for a condensed version of inquiry on weekends, or evenings when it’s only 5 pm my time, but 10 am for the inquirer in their time zone.
And why is it working for the inquirers who love to take the time and space to work this mini-retreat way?
I see these five reasons why:
1) there is time for the inquirer to express the presenting “problem” which is a person, situation, condition, a feeling they don’t like about their lives….so they feel heard.
2) with a few questions and further investigation, a MORE critical or worrisome or frightening problem often appears. A childhood memory comes forth, a moment with a parent, or a very stressful time in life with change. These come into focus….like we’re detecting the true source of the trouble, the proof or evidence of suffering they’ve carried with them sometimes for years.
3) The inquirer gets to contemplate and meditate on the Judge Your Neighbor questions very deeply (not the way we usually do things on our own, at least I sure didn’t). When these beliefs are identified, then you’ve got your direction. I do the writing for the inquirers, they sit still and give all their attention to simply answering the questions, nothing more required. (If you want to see the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet questions, they’re right here).
4) We inquire into stressful belief(s) using the four questions. We relax and take a short break if needed part way through for just 5 – 10 minutes (or not). We let The Work run the session.
5) The inquirer is left with clear Next Steps. Other situations or scenes to explore and investigate. We’ve taken time to start at the surface, and then look into the fog, clearing out the cloud cover and finding it’s safe to go deeper.
Another way to spend more time slowing down to discover what really disturbs you is to take a small class with others. Meeting once a week for 6 or 8 sessions is such an awesome way to anchor your time in inquiry (and spend less, but also learn from hearing other peoples’ inquiry work).
Whichever way you enter inquiry, I personally think the mind finds it too slow.
Can’t this go faster? Can’t I just get a quick one-sentence answer to life? Can’t someone tell me how to calm down and chill?
Well….maybe that’d be nice….but not really, no.
It just doesn’t work the “fast” way. You don’t really want it super fast, anyway–you want the truth, not some quick answer, right?
Really, the only way I ever found to enter peace was to look into what caused me, personally (it seemed) to move OUT of peace.
I had to tell and question my story, to respect my story, to honor my story for being like a two year old. I had to give it the time it deserved because it was the only one I had.
As I look back at myself doing The Work, and all the incredible inquirers who appear in my life for facilitation….what I see is we all have to start at the very beginning (like Maria in the Sound of Music). We look at the difficult, stressful stories of suffering we’ve been living out, sometimes for our entire lives.
But now, we get to wonder….is it true?
“So in the beginning, to deeply inquire about anything, you have to care about it. You have to care enough to allow it to get inside that shell. What do you really care about? What pulls you into here and now, this minute? What is the most important thing to you? For real inquiry, it is important to be asking about something you sincerely care about. The question needs to be personal, not about a spiritual teaching or something that’s outside of your experience. It needs to be something that’s coming from the inside.” ~ Adyashanti
Are you ready to join a small group or have your own one-to-one solo session(s)? If so, I’d love to work with you. It’s the greatest honor I have in my life….exploring what we truly, honestly care about and finding out what’s actually true, for ourselves.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Relationship Hell To Heaven is a 6 week telecourse starting Weds, May 4th. We meet 9-10:30 am Pacific Time, and all you need to begin is a willingness to clearly notice what your stressful story is about ANY relationship in your life (mom, dad, brother, sister, neighbor, spouse, boss) and dig into the beliefs you have about that person without editing yourself. What an awesome place to do it, in a telegroup. You’ll start to feel less embarrassed about your thoughts, you’ll be inspired by others, you might even feel normal, and free, and discover solutions you haven’t thought of before. Register here. Join me in the Peace Movement.
Since I’m getting ready to teach a six week telecourse on relationships, I’ve taken close notice when clients or friends talk about views they have of relationships lately.
Especially love relationships.
(Although in this teleclass, people wind up choosing any one relationship to look at closely if it’s been bugging you a long time: mom, dad, teenager, co-worker…anyone who disturbs your peace is a great place to start).
The other night, I had an interesting email exchange with an old friend.
He was pining for someone he had a crush on at age 13.
But before you think he’s over-romanticizing the past, or being stuck in teenage love, before you judge him as someone trapped in the limited world view of first-young-love is the best….
….just think a minute about how you, or others you know, sometimes drum up images of former lovers, crushes, the one-that-got-away, those dreamy days when you felt the flame of love, that wild intense unstable romantic fling, that weekend with so-and-so twenty years ago.
Often, we humans like to review our past history of relationships, especially romance, it seems. We love to tell our relationship stories. I dated this person, then that person, then this other person. With person A it was 2 years, person B it lasted 3 months, person C I married then divorced, person D it was a one week fling.
It was like this, then that, and then….
It’s funny then how the mind can rate time with a partner as “fantastic” or “troubled” or “dangerous” or “a mess” or “complicated”.
And the mind can really tell a story of how there’s a relationship out there that’s ideal, in the future or in the past.
My friend was saying his relationship, the teenage one so long ago, was “pure”. Sweet, easy, uncomplicated, innocent, fresh.
Then I noticed a little irritated thought arising in me, as I listened to him.
He should wake up and ask himself if it’s really true that his 13 year old first girlfriend was true love. AS IF.
Yeah.
Why is he thinking this way?
He needs to get a life. He’s stuck in some kind of false loop. What an unrealistic way of thinking. It’s sooooo sad.
All kinds of advice began to arise in me, for him.
He’s so blocked, needy, delusional. Ick.
And then….the question popped in from somewhere on the side of this whole list of judgments against my poor old friend, so “off” in his thinking, and my feelings of irritation.
Is it true?
Oh. Hmm. No idea.
I don’t know really what he’s actually thinking when he says he’s dreaming of his teen years. I don’t know what he’s suggesting, or even talking about, or wanting, or remembering exactly. I don’t know what purpose it serves him.
Why do I find it worthy of such inner disgust and criticism, when my friend says he still remembers that 13 year old girl he loved and confesses he thinks of her?
How do I react when I believe he needs to stop going over past relationships and get a life?
I’m grossed out. Dismissive. I’m thinking he’s delusional. And lost.
I move away from him internally. I go on a rant about romantic love, thinking it’s ridiculous what people expect. And impossible, and sad.
I imagine myself to be above all that.
Oh, dang.
Who would I be without these judgments towards my friend, or anyone who pines for a past lover, or wants to go back to a previous time in life?
I’d just hear someone doing the thing we all do sometimes: live in the past.
Without the belief that he shouldn’t think the way he does (and this could go for anyone, any time) I’m free to hear him, listen to his words, and not smack his words down (on the inside).
I hear someone using words to express what’s going on for him in that moment, but without the thought he shouldn’t be thinking the way he does, the words are like the wind blowing. I’m reading words on a screen, actually. Nothing else is even happening.
Without the belief that someone should think about love differently than they do, I relax back into my own business, my own presence, the room I’m sitting in.
Turning the thought around: he’s “on” in his thinking–it’s just right for him, it’s just right for me to be taking in through email. I’m the one who’s pining for the past and can’t let go. I’m the one creating stories about love and romance that are just….stories.
How could it be a good thing I had this email conversation with my friend, and hear what he’s saying?
Well, for one thing, I see where I really want to go: I want to enjoy and love whatever’s happening now, including philosophizing about love and memories of the past. I don’t want to wish for anything that’s not happening, now (including my friend writing what he thinks to me). I want to keep on discovering this remarkable experience of being my own best lover.
I want to trust the Universe and Reality have got this….even for the people who are longing, sad, pining and wishing for love to be different than it is.
And then….a turnaround hit me like a ton of bricks, breaking apart my “I-am-above-this” kind of snooty thinking about my friend.
I am sitting here, wishing HE was different, so I was basically doing the very same thing he was. I wasn’t being totally honest either. I didn’t ever say, with kindness….”Do you really want to be with your girlfriend from 8th grade, for real?” and actually listen to what he had to say, rather than assuming the worst.
“As long as you are seeking something from them–whether it’s love, approval, acceptance, or security–or you simply want them to think well of you, there is always fear involved, fear of loss. You are secretly adapting your behavior, changing what you say, hiding what you really feel, being careful, in order to ensure that they keep giving you what you want….Getting honest about what you are seeking is always the key. And this honesty always begins and ends with you.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
Oh.
I realize, not speaking up or asking him if I heard him right (instead of judging him instantly) I was maintaining my do-not-rock-the-boat position. I secretly wanted to ditch the conversation….not so honest of me. I was imagining I had it more together than him.
Instead, I could have asked him some questions. He wasn’t even saying he was upset, now that I think about it. Maybe he likes remembering his first love!
Who was delusional? Blocked? Needy? Stuck in some kind of false loop or way of thinking about love?
I guess that was me.
Excuse me, I have an email to respond to. One that’s written with an interest in love, friendship and connection, rather than judgment, teaching, separation and superiority.
No wonder he thought his 13 year old girlfriend was more fun.
Teaching Eating Peace Retreat recently in California was magnificent.
I always love who appears to share the freedom of slowing down, stopping, holding still on a moment and identifying the thoughts that come alive in the presence of food.
Memories from the past, the people who raised us, the experience of being with food and eating it can all be present in this moment now, when we’re eating.
Together, we went back and looked at situations and our history, and at what we projected into the future that might happen that seemed scary.
If you’re wondering how to do this….today I’m sharing my January Eating Peace talk from the Institute for The Work convention (Byron Katie and certified facilitators in the audience). I didn’t know it would be filmed when I was there, but so honored it was and so happy to share it with you now.
This is the way to begin to understand and end your experience of eating off-balance.
Knowing you can discover peace with everything, including food and your body.
what is really unbearable here? separation…..or Unity with everything?
Yesterday in Year of Inquiry people read their worksheets at the beginning of our call, as always (and as I also say to everyone….if you don’t have a worksheet, you are ALWAYS still welcome).
Scenes of being left out emerged, or fear of criticism.
I rotate people in to take turns offering the thought to question, and the woman whose turn it was shared her situation with us.
A moment when she’s watching her partner express love and openness…..and it’s not to her.
The speedy quick lightening bolt of “I am left out” arises, almost without words.
The mind is so quick in its assessments, isn’t it?
I have one of those moments, from the past, and I still remember it vividly, it was so fascinating….
I was loving getting to know a man who I found very unusual, quirky and adorable. It was mid-life and after divorce and something about this man was very different and not the typical type of guy I had been attracted to in the past.
He was the facilitator/instructor of a dance I started attending. For a long time, I participated and noticed him and honestly, found it quite wonderful that he didn’t approach me, look at me, or try to dance with me. (I was very inward in a rather exciting, moving, wild way and dancing without words and without obligation facilitated this inward movement of change brilliantly).
The moment I remember so vividly was after this new man in my life had become a companion for a few months.
I was no longer so inward and quiet at that point. I had been attending almost a year, twice a week. I had made some new friends, pretty amazing and friendly people, and found myself finally breathing more deeply in this different chapter of my life.
On the freeform dance floor, everyone dances however they want, moving towards and away from other dancers, dancing alone, joining others mid-song, following the flow of your own movement without instructions, rules, or steps.
It’s a brave and strange experience, but then….not brave at all–just you being you, moving in a body.
I loved it.
One night, this flash of a moment, I looked across the dance floor to see my new companion dancing closely with a woman.
The music stopped, with a pause of silence before the next song soon began, but they did not part from a close embrace, foreheads touching. When the next tune began, they continued to hold still, close, together.
Suddenly a zap of adrenaline surged through my whole body.
I’m left out.
This means….
It’s almost without words, it’s so fast.
But it means something terrible, in that kind of moment. It means I’m abandoned, I’m lost and untethered, this is threatening in some way. That’s what the body is saying it means, as I feel the fear of zapping anxiety run through me.
The Work is about not ignoring this, or pretending it doesn’t matter. The Work is not about acting like you don’t care what you’re looking at disturbs you, or giving yourself a pep talk about how it’s not what you think and all is well and this is not a problem and you better not show you’re so insecure and already acting like you own him so get your act together.
That’s one of the things I love about The Work.
The Work says “tell me everything, everything, everything about that moment.”
That’s step one….allowing everything to come into consciousness that frightens you about a moment in time, and what you’re believing that causes you torture and pain.
I was left out.
Is it true?
Yes.
I’m not in that pairing over there. I’m over here, on the outside of the circle, on the fringes. Alone. Abandoned.
Are you sure???
Who would you be without the belief you are left out? Who would you be, how would it feel inside the body, without the notion that I am not included in something and I should be?
Whoooosh.
I’m back inside my body, without the belief I’m left out.
My arms move, my eyes take in lights, motions, dancers, colors, legs, arms, peoples’ feet, floor. The energy pulsates inside me. I hear music, flutes, drums, cello, horn, tambourine. I see so many other teeth smiling, eyes laughing, faces expressing all around me.
And over there, this new man I adore is in a tender pose, kind and connected with another human being on the dance floor, unafraid to show public closeness to someone else right in front of me. He is free, I am free.
Turning the thought around: I am not including him, I am not including myself.
I am filled with resistance to what I see, I am assuming it means something about me (it didn’t) and how I won’t get enough love, attention, connection. Or something dangerous, called abandonment or loss, might happen.
The turnaround continues, endlessly, to be true: I am included.
I am part of a human family celebrating to music on a dance floor. Together we are all sharing. I dance with others, including both men and women. It’s absolutely beautiful.
I am included in breathing the air, in sweating and drinking delicious water, in being here, body on dance floor….body on planet earth.
With this particular man, he is one of the happiest human beings I know, not seeking and grabbing for contact from others (or me) but very content within himself. He loves dancing with men and women, with strangers and friends. He moves with joy. He trusts himself. He is not intent on being worried about what I think (that’s my job). He has deep integrity, and loves honest talk.
I included myself later by being very honest, sharing with him that I had seen him hugging another and felt a surge of fear, and we had a fabulous conversation about intimacy, physicality, contact in dance, closeness, touch….
….and everything we’d ever learned about it and what we wanted to un-learn.
“Most people want to keep dreaming that they are special, unique, and separate, more than they want to wake up to the perfect unity of an Unknown which leaves no room for any separation from the whole….To the ego such uncontaminated love is unbearable in its intimacy. When there are no clear separating boundaries and nothing to gain the ego becomes disinterested, angry, or frightened. In a love where there is no other, there is nowhere to hide, no one to control, and nothing to gain.” ~ Adyashanti
As I do The Work, I see the fine, exciting, and mysterious dance of relationship I have with anyone reveal itself as….amazing, startling, uncontaminated love.
No one is required to do anything to keep me happy.
