Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
Drama? Angst? Difficulties? Suffering? You aren’t the only one.
One of my favorite moments in the brand new Year of Inquiry group, that just began last week, was when someone wrote to me on our little private group membership board….
….”I had no idea! And the individuals have all kinds of drama and angst just like me!”
There’s something so wonderful about realizing you are not alone.
As Byron Katie says….that there are no new thoughts.
This is quite profound.
All the thoughts you’ve ever had….all those terribly stressful, intense, horrifying, dramatic, terrible, selfish, condemning thoughts….
….all of them are Not New.
Isn’t this amazing?
You didn’t think your dreadful thoughts up! You didn’t invent them! It’s not some special problem, all yours, that you need to fix!
Who would you be without the belief that you’re twisted, messed up, wrong, deranged….that there’s something wrong with you, or your mind, and your thoughts?
Yesterday I was riding my bicycle on the very same trail I’ve been down hundreds of times. Hundreds.
The day was a late summer, gorgeous golden light day, with the poplar trees making that glorious sssshhhh-ing sound as I flew by.
In the middle of my ride, as my body is moving quickly (I notice this happens a lot while the physical form is busy) I wondered….
….what is without thought like, here?
Who am I without thoughts?
What’s going on here, if I didn’t have a thought?
Colors, sounds, people passing in the other direction on foot, or other bikers, or roller bladers. Shadows dancing. Leaves blowing. Green colors in all different shapes and sizes. The smell of blackberry bushes. The place I always turn around that I call the Infinity Tree (There are eight trunks. I’m serious. Eight trunks coming out of one tight circle of tree).
Who would I be in that moment, riding and peddaling along a river trail on a bike, without all the infinite thoughts that tend to appear?
It’s really…without BELIEVING the thoughts that appear.
Because thoughts appear….you can’t help it.
Your brain is running. If it’s empty, that’s OK. This is just noticing, what if there isn’t a “good” and a “bad” about mind creating thought?
What is believing?
This is a brilliant question.
Who would you be without believing your thought?
You only need to contemplate ONE thought at a time. Keep it simple. You don’t have to try to be someone without ALL thoughts, or some dramatic big wide goal to experience life, or a moment, without a thought. That would be tiring to try to do that.
But any of us can find what it’s like without believing.
I once heard the definition of “believing” is thinking the same thing over and over and over and over again and experiencing the feelings that accompany stressful thoughts over and over again, too.
That’s it.
Repetitive thinking along with feeling. Considering what you think to be true. Acting like it IS true. That’s believing.
Nothing more.
I noticed on the very same ride, I thought of someone I feel sad about. He left without saying goodbye. I wonder where he is now, if he’s alive and happy and thriving?
I think of this person almost every time I take a bike ride.
But who am I without the belief that anything I’m thinking….is true?
I am simply noticing. Noticing thought happens.
Noticing the SAME thoughts happen. (LOL, right)?
Who would you be without your story that thinking means anything? Or means what you think it means?
What if you are a human, with a mind and a brain and experiences….and you aren’t so different after all? You’ve got drama, and angst, and worry, and fear, and love, and kindness.
And something, some part of “you” that’s without thought.
You have THAT, too.
“Loving what is, is not accepting what is. It’s not kind of appreciating what is. It is loving what is. It is very exciting.” ~ Byron Katie
This is all of it.
“Thinking” and being a part of the human race. Sharing the same kind of mind.
Wondering about this stunning, thrilling question “who would you be without your thought?”
“Imagine that you are the Buddha under the Bodhi tree, or Christ in the desert, remaining perfectly still and unmoved by the body-mind’s nightmare. It may feel very real but it really is nothing more than a convincing illusion.” ~ Adyashanti
Have you ever had the thought, while looking at your bank account statement….
….this isn’t enough?
Haw.
Almost laughable to ask the question. Because it seems like everyone’s had this thought!
But when you really think about it….
….it’s a weird thought.
It’s all murky and foggy and has a never-ending feel to it and it can’t be proven true. A big blanket abstract thought. A generalized, common, broad thought. A very stressful thought that brings a lot of suffering
And a completely acceptable thought.
As in….of COURSE you should have the thought this isn’t enough.
Now, we’re talking about money, but pick your thing there isn’t enough of and follow along with this inquiry.
Love, enlightenment, wisdom, health, pleasure
Because it’s unusual to question it. We often just assume it’s true.
In the past, when I had this thought from time to time about money, I honestly had no full regard for why I had the thought, how I arrived at this thought, when I started believing this thought.
It was just a reactive experience I picked up:
I need more. Duh.
Danger Zone. More is better. Danger Zone. I’ll have to pay. Danger Zone. I’ll lose what I have. Danger Zone. The future is NOT bright.
So let’s explore. You’ll love this investigation about money, no matter how much you have, if you’ve ever wished for more and felt a little nervous…..or scared out of your mind.
First of all, when you look at that number, that pile, that quantity of money, you immediately go into what it is supposed to support and cover and get spent on, right.
You may have a general sense of the flow of money going in, going out, what the mortgage or rent bill is, what the utilities are every month, what you generally spend on groceries for your household, gas, transportation, clothing, bus fare, your annual meditation retreat, one plane ticket, a local art class, gifts, toothpaste.
But what if something terrible happens?
What if I lose my health care benefits? What if I can’t work anymore? What if someone sues me? What if someone steals it? What if I make a poor investment?
I gotta keep this, in a bucket, in a safe, under the mattress, in a special safe-deposit box with a key and about eight password codes and security guards.
What I noticed was….I did not find it very peaceful to worry about money. I did not find it peaceful to wish the quantity was bigger than it was, or that it remained at a certain number, or never got lower than “x”.
I wanted freedom.
I noticed I was not free, in that moment of thinking “this isn’t enough”, even with some money in my savings.
Well….for me, I had to lose it all first (almost all) before being willing to find freedom. You might want to inquire a little earlier. Just a suggestion.
So. You don’t have enough.
Is that true?
Yes. Oh yes. I would be so much happier with 10 times more than the amount I have, I’m sure this is true.
Wait, make that 100.
I would feel safe with more money. This isn’t quite enough. If anything happened…..
Is that really, absolutely true?
Is it absolutely true I’d be better off keeping my ginormous-mortgage house? Is it absolutely true I need to use money to go to retreats? Is it absolutely true I need money to pay for broken things, lawyers, or accidents in the future? Is it absolutely true I need extra money right now, in this moment?
But.
A car could crash through my front living room picture window. I saw it in the movies.
Ten years ago when I sat on my worn-to-a-pulp brown faux leather 1960s couch believing I needed more money in that moment, I thought….
…..well maybe not right now, since I’m breathing and fed and comfortable….
….but it could happen. I need to be prepared.
(Don’t even THINK about buying a new couch. Remember the money!!)
Who would you be without this belief, though? Without believing in needing more, in being prepared, in working and saving up and hoarding, er, I mean storing, money, so you can relax….later?
Deep breath.
Hold still a moment.
What if you didn’t believe there isn’t enough, or won’t be?
Look around.
Oh. I’d feel….curious. Relaxed.
I’d feel joy.
I wouldn’t count the money I have, over and over.
I’d feel so grateful for the amount I have, it’s just the right amount. It prevents too much retreat-going or self-help shopping. It allows me to say “no” clearly to my kids or others.
“Yes” and “No” are both free to be spoken. It’s efficient. I love paying for what I need, and if there’s leftovers, having fun with it or saving it for fun, too. I love supporting myself in what makes life precious, and exciting, like my meditation retreat.
Wow.
Turning the thought around to the opposite: this is enough.
Obviously. I’m not dead.
I’m quite able to relax. I have enough to survive, and always have.
My thinking isn’t enough, that’s what isn’t enough. I don’t have enough of “me”. I don’t have enough friendliness, love and affection for myself. I don’t have enough gentleness and trust towards the universe. I don’t have enough humor, zest, pizazz and lightness for myself, me, this, my thoughts, my future, my precious life.
Especially when it comes to money.
What if right in this very moment, it was enough? Nothing missing?
Ahhhhhhhhhh.
“I have learned that to be with those I like is enough”. ~ Walt Whitman
Can I like myself, and this moment?
Yes.
And if I don’t…..The Work.
If you need to get by with a little help from some friends (including your own thoughts), join the October retreat in Seattle. Four days of inquiry. It’s awesome.
Are they ignoring me? Or is it just my imagination?
One of my favorite things about The Work is the way it encourages us to use our imagination!
We’re already using it, before The Work, to scare ourselves, get worried, get angry, feel powerless, feel sad, be unhappy.
So let’s expand that imagination to a broader, more inclusive, more trusting, more good-feeling perspective. The other side of duality, in this dual world of opposites.
But this doesn’t mean “try” to be positive, and to go straight from “I hate this situation” to “I love this situation” without inquiry.
That’s super hard, and not very respectful to yourself.
Someone asked me recently, what kind of positive affirmations or sentences do I tell myself, when I feel distressed and I want to ground myself in feeling better?
I had to chuckle inside. Because I wouldn’t tell myself one single thing that was a positive affirmation, or a pep talk, that I didn’t believe or hadn’t inquired into first.
I’m not sure I ever even think of telling myself positive things on purpose.
The person who asked me this then went on to say that she was on a long vacation with her extended family, and from the very first day she began to feel uncomfortable with quite a few things she was observing in all these family members.
Grandchildren were running across the street without their parents restraining them. Her adult children were gazing at their cell phones, and the teens were constantly snap-chatting with friends back home in the US. Older folks were holding up the group, or getting ditched by the younger set–resulting in people losing each other in crowded European piazzas. Siblings were acting rude during meals, and ignoring her.
What she then told me was that she decided on about the second day to Say Nothing.
“There was no point. It’s just the way it is.”
Hmmmm.
The opposite of Arguing With Reality is not Being Resigned To Reality with a chip on your shoulder.
I asked her if she wanted to try The Work, since she was asking me about it and wondering if I used positive affirmations. She agreed.
One of the most pressing, repetitive thoughts she had about several of the people in her family was….”they are ignoring me”.
They care more about “x” (cell phones, emails, themselves, their friends) than about this vacation. They don’t care about me. The last trip was much better. I may as well have stayed home.
Ow.
This really hurts, when you believe it.
I asked her, is it true they ignored you?
YES. YES. YES. (She explained more about what they were doing, the way of the world these days, the neglect, the spiritual void of lacking an ability to be present, the rudeness she witnessed).
Inside a part of me had a little edge of a feeling….“She should slow down. She should relax and answer the questions. She shouldn’t explain and find additional proof for her stressful belief.”
“How do you react when you believe the thought”, I asked her, “that they’re ignoring you?”
She explained how she reacted by saying nothing, never one word, never asking for what she wanted. She didn’t bring up her complaints. She didn’t speak her regrets. She didn’t make her requests.
Too furious to speak. Too unhappy. Too upset.
I get it. I’ve been there.
It’s painful to believe I can’t speak up about how I’m feeling, because if I do a fountain of unhappiness will burst out of me. I’ll disappoint them. I’ll make it worse.
Wow, it’s rough to be so caught between a rock and a hard place–I can’t talk, I can’t Not Talk, and be happy.
I asked her who she would be without this belief that they were ignoring her?
She answered immediately: “it’s impossible not to have this belief. The world is like this now. People don’t care about each other. Everyone wants to look at their phones. It’s never going back.”
As she spoke, I could feel the pain of having zero hope, and no ability to really find one drop of what it would be like to not have the thought, in the presence of people ignoring you. To really not have the thought “they are ignoring me” (even if they are).
But then she said something swiftly, and lightly, even if just for a second “I’d notice the amazing place I’m sitting. I’d look around.”
I realized as I did this work right alongside her, that it is very possible someone is ignoring her, whatever that means exactly (not paying attention, not caring, not connecting, not loving, being dismissive, being interested in something else besides her).
But it doesn’t mean she has to think and believe the thought herself.
She could barely stay in the question “who would you be without this thought?” She was out of there in literally 2 seconds. She was back into how awful to be ignored, how sad, how ruined the vacation.
So we kept moving….into the turnarounds.
“I am ignoring myself” in that situation. Could this be as true, or truer?
“Oh YES!” she replied after considering this turnaround. She saw how in that situation she buttoned her lip and said nothing and got really small over in a corner, and quiet, feeling left out and distant. She ignored her own desire to connect more closely, and to ask others to walk next to her, or put away their phones for awhile. She might have thought of all kinds of solutions that would offer a sense of closeness, rather than distance and resignation in her situation.
Wow.
It reminded me of believing there’s nothing I can do, in some situations, except withdraw, back away, separate myself.
It’s like the way I used to believe in dieting. Just go without. Starve. Avoid pleasure. Go hungry.
The only cure for this body problem, was to suffer silently. I never questioned “there is a problem”—is that true?
Yikes.
We looked at the turnarounds “I am ignoring THEM” and “they are NOT ignoring me”.
This inquirer’s answers were No, I can’t find any examples. They WERE ignoring me. And I was NOT ignoring them.
Right in the middle of that situation, me facilitating her, facilitating myself, facilitating inquiry on the thought “they are ignoring me” I felt the impact of “ignoring” or thinking of something as wrong (like someone not being able to find any turnaround examples).
What if what is happening, including these questions and these answers right here in the middle of The Work, are exactly what is supposed to be happening?
What if for this woman, the only turnaround that’s valid and helpful in that moment was the one “I am ignoring myself”?
What if I kindly and openly did not ignore her, as I facilitated, or ignored myself either?
What if what she was aware of, and clear about, and learning as she answered four strange questions she had never answered before….
….was just the right amount of ignoring, and awareness.
All I know is, it’s easy to love what’s happening than it is to hate it.
“The true sign of intelligence is not knowledge but imagination.” ~ Albert Einstein
“Prejudice of any kind implies that you are identified with the thinking mind. It means you don’t see the other human being anymore, but only your own concept of that human being. To reduce the aliveness of another human being to a concept is already a form of violence.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
Sometimes the light at the end of the tunnel is exploring your past, seeing where the stories were born.
The third question in the four primary questions of The Work of Byron Katie is….
…”How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?”
Wow, what an interesting question, you know?
How do I react? What happens? When I’m thinking ______ (fill in the troubling thought) what is it like? What goes on inside me? How do I actually behave on the outside? What’s it like being in the world, when I’m thinking this thought, and feeling it to be true?
Good lord.
It’s a big huge question, even if you only ask it about ONE single stressful thought.
This past week, the new Year of Inquiry inquirers gathered to listen to whomever was speaking, and to contemplate their own answers, even if they didn’t talk out loud.
Who are you, without your stressful belief?
Often, sitting with this question, we consider what images appear, what we remember, what this reminds of us.
One inquirer had a really stressful thought.
I should go to work.
(Even though I’m in physical pain and basically can’t).
Wow. I remembered having this thought about so many jobs. Extreme guilt. Feeling like I should go. Not wanting to. Am I sick enough to stay home? I should buck up and go. People will be disappointed. What if I feel better in two hours? Then I’ll really be guilty.
Agonizing debate on the inside.
During question three (how do you react, what happens when you think this stressful thought?) the inquirer remembered, just like it happens so often, a moment in childhood.
Mom wants me to do something, wants to force me to do something, is verbally sharp and abrasive and abusive. I have the very same feeling, standing in the presence of mother as I do with employer. I should do it, even though I don’t want to. I’m being forced. I can’t really discover what I want, or what’s right for me, I have to do the “right” thing. For them. There’s no good outcome or solution that works for everyone. I feel small and powerless.
Ouch.
An incredibly powerful exercise, when these flash images come in, sometimes traumatic, sometimes long forgotten, sometimes very painful:
Become willing to sit with that memory, that situation, that feeling, and write a worksheet on it.
Go back.
I like to call it FOO.
If you say it, it lightens things a little. FOO. Family of Origin.
I know these memories are sometimes very foggy, dark, uncertain.
You’re happy it’s been so long since they happened.
But these origin stories are very powerful for inquiry, if they set you off into patterns or imprints where you suffered with the same flavor of story over and over again.
Just remember, it’s safe to look at them now. It may even be safer to look than to not look.
As Byron Katie invites, so many times I’ve heard her say this: Mother, Father, Sister, Brother.
Watch your personal history movie.
Do The Work on those people who influenced you early. See what happens.
It will be good.
“Babies are not born into this world of illusion until they attach. When you’re clear, it’s wonderful fun to observe it. I love being with my grandbabies. I love hearing all my lies! ‘That’s a tree.’ ‘That’s a sky.’ ‘I love you.’ ‘You’re Grandma’s precious.’ ‘You’re the sweetest thing I’ve ever seen.’ All these lies, and I’m having a wonderful time. If it doesn’t work for them, they can question their stressful thoughts. I am joy. I’m not going to censor any of it.” ~ Byron Katie on Parents and Children
I love finding out what I started believing, that wasn’t true. And of course, the great thing about The Work is….you only have to question the stressful thoughts.
Keep the fun ones, just like Katie.
If you’re interested in entering four days of The Work in north Seattle at my Goldilocks Cottage, we’ll be questioning thoughts from start to finish, and throwing in exercises to help us all go back, back, back, back.
(Can you hear the cheerleaders shouting? Back! Back! Back! Back!)
October 13-16, 2016.
This one is non-residential, but if you’ve coming from afar, we’ll help you find a close by hotel or place to stay with others. Seattle is a special, sweet place in mid-October. The weather is mild, the summer crowds are thinning. Everything smells like rich earth and dew. When the sun comes out, it’s brilliant orange.
When we go in together, gathered in a circle, we share the most amazing insights as we do The Work. Everyone is welcome, beginners to experienced. You get to start from exactly where you are, with whatever disturbs you in your life. You’ll get to go back, in your mind, to previous history or memories to take a look, but only if you want to.
Present issues, past issues….all are welcome. We’ll have some special invitations to take a look at the old ones, if you’re ready.
The story of love….a tragedy…. ….or, you could always question your beliefs
Love Relationships. It’s complicated.
Or so it seems.
So many people come to work with me on relationships. And I’ve done The Work myself on so many people.
Love relationships are one type of connection or story we have huge ideas about….
….and many of them are deeply stressful.
Have you ever thought to question some of those big, horrible, frightening thoughts that are so old, they go back quite a few generations?
Things like in my household growing up.
Thou shalt not sleep all night together, or go to sleeping actuallyplanning on sleeping all night, until married.
Thou shalt not say anything sexual in front of your elders, or refer to sex, or act like you’ve ever been interested in sex, or, lets be honest, make elders aware that you’ve actually heard of sex.
Thou shalt not be attracted to more than one person at a time.
Thou shalt make a vow and never break it.
The funny thing is, all joking around aside, you suddenly realize what beliefs you’ve adopted about primary love relationships, the ones that include sexual expression or attraction, when the “law” is broken that you assumed was in place.
It’s upsetting to have a “thou shalt not” broken by someone else you’re apparently connected to, and it’s also upsetting if you yourself have broken the law.
Right?
With the work, you can question the law, and find out truly what is right for you.
Beyond laws.
Because one thing I discovered fairly early in my life of dating, hearing about commitment, learning about marriage or pairing off, considering living together, spending time alone, spending time together….
….I really didn’t want to be in prison, or for a partner to feel that way either.
Or have it feel like there was a list of what was legal and what wasn’t.
I wanted to feel free. And loving.
And, I wanted to find out what really worked for me in the most deeply honest and authentic way possible. Attraction, not promotion (as the wonderful 12 Step Program says about itself and it’s organizational structure).
I’ll never forget the several times in my life–I can think of four almost immediately–where someone I really liked and assumed I was connecting with said they were leaving, changing, updating the relationship in a way I didn’t like and didn’t expect.
I was devastated.
You shouldn’t change your mind. You shouldn’t do that. You shouldn’t leave. You shouldn’t ever hurt me, reject me, criticize me, need space, get interested in someone else.
I know. Kind of embarrassing. Not such a free bird after all. Not so easy-going and all-accepting. Not so pure and un-commanding.
No.
In fact, I was livid.
A memory.
I’m dating this new man after getting a divorce that took several years to work through and come out of, with inquiry, a more interesting, powerful, clear person than I ever once was when it came to love and romance.
I still have a few kinks to work out when it came to love, let’s put it that way.
This guy I’m dating has shares with me on one of our three-hour long phone calls, like I’m his best friend, that he had a fabulous weekend and unexpectedly met someone and slept with her.
He’s not even sure of her real name, everyone had wild weekend workshop names. It was fun, but not great. He’s pretty sure he never cares about seeing her again. He feels a little weird and numb. He’s done this kind of thing before, but it never feels that great afterwards.
??????
I practically gasp on the other end of the line. I try to hide the sound.
My stomach feels like I’m going to throw up.
I listen kind of numbly to his experience.
He’s going on about how he felt so weird afterwards and didn’t want to sleep in the same bed all night with her. He was definitely troubled.
Part of me, the one with the Thou Shalt Not Sleep blah blah if we’re dating blah blah it’s very serious blah blah this relationship isn’t what I thought blah blah is having a HEART ATTACK.
I’m practically hyperventilating later, after getting off the phone.
But something inside also is watching and seeing this charade of story go by.
This is not in the Relationship PlayBook of Rules. He is not supposed to be doing this, says a very convinced voice.
Another voice is almost chuckling, saying this is not so bad.
Now, I’m not saying it was fabulous, or that I think the whole thing unfolded in the highest integrity for everyone involved.
However, I saw thoughts screaming to be questioned in that moment, about relationships.
I was saying “Please, God, not MORE about relationship, can’t you give me a little break? Time out? REALLY?”
I was also seeing right in that very moment, there were a few thoughts between me, and peace. Some very old, thick, dusty, sad thoughts.
Worthy of questioning without any motive at all. A part of me that wanted to know the truth. No rules.
He should not have moved to someone else. He should have stayed with me.
Is that true?
Wail! YESSSSS!
But can you absolutely know it’s true?
Well, first of all, we’ve only been on 2 dates ever. He lives in another state. Are we even dating? We’ve made no claim or signed any contracts (not that it would make a difference, really). I’m very clear I don’t want him to meet my kids or come visit me in my city.
Um. Right.
Freedom.
Is it absolutely true he shouldn’t have done this?
Not at all.
How do you react when you think the thought?
Like the floor is dropping out from under me and I have zero support and I’m being abandoned and I’m a victim of a terrible, terrible, terrible situation. I’m a tiny potato. Unworthy. Unloved.
Undeserving.
Jeez.
I played Juliet in the Shakespeare play in college. I actually cried, a tear flowing down one cheek, in one of the productions. That was a PLAY. I was the lead character. I killed myself. This feels like a play, too, somehow.
So who would I be without this belief, that he shouldn’t have done it?
Wait. Seriously?
But.
What about The Relationship Play Book Rules.
You mean.
What if there were no relationship rules about people not doing things like this, and all it means?
How will we survive!?! Won’t we all run around hurting each other constantly, failing, killing ourselves, throwing up, feeling rejected, having hearts broken?
Well, I notice WITH the belief, these things happen, and I feel this way.
So why not try on how it feels WITHOUT this thought?
Without the belief it should not have gone that way. Without the belief it was all bad, all terrible, all hell, all trouble. Without the belief in this being so devastating, drastic, unloving, disgusting.
Who or what would I be without the thought he shouldn’t have done it?
Huh.
I notice this spark of light cracking through a very, very old mountain of thick cloud cover called Relationship Rules.
A light coming in.
He should have done it?
Woah. That’s the first turnaround.
How could that be just as true, or truer?
He should have, because first of all, he did. It happened. I didn’t even know about it until later.
But I can take it much further. He should have done it because that’s his mindset. Something about it felt like his only choice. He should have done it because he doesn’t like committed relationships, he’s said so. He should have done it because he’s exploring and expanding. He’s seeking contact. He wants sex desperately. He doesn’t like rules, and isn’t really a happy person either. He’s also showing me what works for him, what doesn’t, and it’s easy for me to see then what works for me!
I turn it around to myself: I shouldn’t have moved away from myself, and gone towards another person.
Very true. I left myself. I felt super dependent on him and the fantasy I had about us getting closer and becoming a couple (after 2 dates, I know).
I shouldn’t have thrown myself after him, feeling needy, grabby, hungry, alone, hopeful. Way too much reaching towards someone else, and not me.
Turning it around again: I shouldn’t have moved away from him.
Well. I suddenly wanted to get as far away from him as possible and I called him a sick mentally ill pervert in my mind.
Yup. I had imagined he should be different, like some kind of Prince Charming (who followed all the Relationship Play Book Rules of course, taught to me by my parents and culture).
I shouldn’t have been blindly seeing someone I wished for, rather than the real person I was talking to.
The fantastic thing about that whole experience is it didn’t end the usual Relationship Play Book Rules way.
There was no phone slamming down, or screaming and gnashing of teeth (well, OK, for a few hours I was all alone doing that). There was no reality TV show with chairs being thrown and all my friends agreeing how I’d been done wrong. There was no grief period of suffering and being tormented. Deciding never to date again.
Instead, I called friends in The Work all day long, took a “sick” day off work, and literally questioned my thoughts for six hours.
I came out of that a free woman.
Not someone who had to send mental bombs to his area of the world to blow up, or someone who wished terrible things on him, cursing his name.
But completely free. Free to come and go as I pleased. Free to discover what love is, what support is, what loyalty is, what joy is, what openness is, what acceptance is, what forgiveness is, what clarity is. For myself.
I discovered I really love sharing one committed partnership, but not because anyone thinks it’s the “right” thing to do. I’m open if my mind and heart change tomorrow. I loved exploring and learning what worked for me, without old conditioning and outdated playbook rules.
I interviewed and studied other people’s choices, facilitated people with The Work, learned about what makes people happy and unhappy.
(Hint: when they’re unhappy, it’s because they’re believing thoughts they don’t really, really think are true).
A day after doing The Work all day long for many hours on that incident, that situation, I could genuinely say (with only a small whisper of worry)….
….”I am willing to have that happen again. I look forward to that happening again.”
Why?
Because it shows me who not to date. It shows me very cleanly and clearly which direction to move. It shows me the joy other people get in experimenting or testing or making changes.
Every time someone I thought I was committed to (he is mine) has not done as I expected, it’s ultimately opened my heart and soul up to a far vaster and greater source of support and love than I ever imagined.
The Work brought this awareness on in a day. Not a decade.
If you’re suffering from relationship change, loss, abandonment, fear….
….do The Work.
You could be amazed. You might see that Relationship PlayBook go up in flames.
Or, you might realize you love some of those rules, but not because they’re rules….
….but because you love.
“The ego has no options. It can protest all it wants, but if God moves, it moves….As I noticed the falling-away of the self and saw that its construct was absolutely invalid, what remained was humbled through the recognition. Everything dissolved–all that I had imagined myself to be. I realized that I was none of it, that everything I’d stood for was insubstantial and ridiculous. And what remained from that fell away, too, until finally there was nothing left to be humble about, no one left to be humble. If I was anything, I was gratitude.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
My current husband and I will be offering a 3 day retreat at Breitenbush Hotsprings in doing The Work, on relationships. We’ll be demonstrating The Work on each other, in front of each other and the power of inquiry between two.
The relationship you bring to this work doesn’t need to be a love, spouse, mate, partner, someone you’re dating, romance.
This powerful work can be done on assumptions, expectations, questioning the Relationship Rule PlayBook for children, parents, co-workers, neighbors, siblings, employers.
This retreat? Winter. December 8-11. We begin Thursday evening at 7:00 pm. Deep woods. Possible snow. Bubbling hotsprings (optional for soaking during workshop breaks). Delicious vegetarian meals. Rejuvenation. Pristine old growth forest. Showers and cabins heated naturally (and incredibly cozy and warm). Silence. Inner work. Sharing.
Two people registering together are $350 each. Normal early bird fee per person is $395 until November 1st. It’s only 3 months away.
Eating Peace Core Basics Teleclass starts Thursday, September 8th. We meet from 9-11 am for 3 consecutive Thursdays, then skip a week, then another 3 Thursdays. Please visit here to find out more and to register.
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This shouldn’t be happening! I have plans!
The truck is borrowed and in our driveway. The hard plastic storage bins are purchased in various colors, ready to be filled with what we want to keep. All the cans of old paint are piled ready to be taken to the hazardous waste station. I’ve started a pile of dump items in the middle of the back yard; completely broken chairs, moulded car seat covers, pieces of broken tile and pipes from the bathroom project several years ago.
I’ve asked my two young adult kids, and husband, to mark Labor Day weekend in their calendars for this massive overhaul work party instead of a family vacation.
That old shed is getting cleaned out, and moved to a different location in the yard. The garage is going to get smashed down, and rebuilt into a living space in the not-so-distant future.
I’ve got my sleeves rolled up. This is gonna be very satisfying!
I wake up the day before this three-day weekend full of clean-up plans, to pounding rain on the roof and a few of the plastic storage tubs filling with rain water.
Then my son calls and says….”I’ll be over soon, but I’ve really only got one day tomorrow. I’ll do the dump run, I’ll do the Goodwill run, I’ll stick around until evening….then I gotta go.”
Then my husband says….”Hey, I found a dance hall that’s OPEN on Saturday morning, so I booked it! We’ll still offer our weekend dance on Labor Day weekend!”
Then my daughter says….”I got invited to Amy’s cabin on Lopez Island leaving Saturday night. I’ll work on the garage, but I want to go!”
WHAT??!!!
No one else is taking this clean-up project seriously. They are not going to help. They are too slow. They are too busy. They don’t care. I have to do everything.
Arrrrrggggghhhhhh!!!
Have you ever had plans, and one thing after another happens and it appears the plans you had, are not exactly going the way you thought?
When you make plans….they should THE WAY PLANNED.
Is that true?
LOL.
Oh my, that is funny. Have you noticed how often things change or go unexpectedly? How often the image of the future picture is not like we thought, at all?
The other day as I noticed this thought pouncing in to my mind like a tiger, ready to attack everyone in sight for not caring, not being helpful, or for being too slow….
….I kind of chuckled.
Because almost simultaneously, I thought….oh.
Hmmmm.
How could it be a good thing, this isn’t a three-day extravaganza of laboring, but instead, only one?
Maybe the way this is going is just right. Maybe I had all this desire and plans for the way it should look, but it’s not going that way for a good reason.
Sometimes, plans and visions in the mind appear to be interesting, or desirable, but they aren’t going to happen in just that particular way, in that particular order.
And what about plans for activities that aren’t so “perfect” and ordered?
Like the plan to skip class, avoid that person you are afraid to speak truthfully to, quit your job, marry that girl….
….or what about the plan to smoke, eat, drink, calculate, steal, force something to happen that doesn’t feel good, yet you want it anyway?
The demand to have something happen can be coming from a place in you that’s like a little toddler, or desperate, or filled with this-must-happen energy….
…..or a plan can be coming from a place in you that is more, balanced, open, willing to be flexible, and doesn’t know what’s ultimately going to happen (and OK with that).
It doesn’t matter what you’re planning, really.
If you feel furious about it not going your way, you’re going to suffer.
Here are two questions I love to ask, if I notice I’m feeling anxious (or enraged) about “my” plans not going the way I want them to:
1) What am I afraid of happening, if these plans fail? What’s the worst that could happen?
2) What do I think it means about me, about other people, about this situation, if the plans do not go as I hoped or wanted?
Sometimes, I thought plans needed to go a certain way for me to feel worthy, successful, “good”. Sometimes, I thought plans need to go a certain way so I could avoid other big dangers, and to protect myself.
But what if there’s a middle way to be with plans and planning?
As I’ve heard Byron Katie mention and speak to this process of being aware of the future: If I know I’m going on a trip, I pack my bags. But I have no idea if I’m really going on the trip, until I’m on it.
Very funny, very odd for that mind that loves plans.
So today, after only one “working” day, and another in silence, writing, bicycling and only a wee bit of further clean up….
….I can see how feeling and being and noticing who I am without the mindset “they shouldn’t have cancelled, we all should be cleaning, they are too slow, this should be finished….”
….is better than I ever could have planned.
“When you make plans and replay them in your mind, you may be projecting that the future is going to be more important than the now. But it’s not. Being one with what you’re doing, is being totally into what you are doing “now”. The energy is not diverted from what you’re doing “now” (planning) and into the future. What you are doing now (even if it’s planning) is this, here, now.” ~ Eckhart Tolle in conversation with Oprah Winfrey on video
So even the activity of planning happens, then we get to see what really happens, trusting reality, speaking up if it’s right, sharing.
I enjoy the alive, present activity of planning, if planning is called for and feels right.
I notice my legs and feet were so tired Saturday, they were throbbing by 9:00 pm. Everyone pitched in gloriously, and I loved everyone knew what they wanted to go off and do for the rest of the long weekend, enjoying themselves.
I’ve gotten a break, and writing time.
Now, I notice, is sweet. The emptier shed (not completely empty yet). The space for a dinner date with my husband, rather than working. The writing of this Grace Note. The opening of my fall calendar and noticing some items to “plan” for.
Peace, here now.
Even as a house project is apparently unfinished.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Speaking of planning….I’m sharing my Eating Peace video today even if you have no interest or concern with eating issues, because it’s about so much more than eating. You have to plan, is that true? You have to avoid something, is that true? The only way to stop agonizing about something is to succumb to it….is that really true?
In just a few hours at 7:45 am Pacific Time….monthly morning meetup to do The Work of Byron Katie for anyone in the world!!
A few minutes before we begin, you’ll have the option of joining with WebCall (you’ll be able to speak and be heard) or WebCast (listen only from your computer) or simply dial in with your phone.
We’ll question our thoughts until 9:00 am. Inquiry Power Hour (plus 15 minutes). No matter where you are in the world, you can connect for free.
If you’ve got a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet already filled out before the call, it can really help.
You’ve already spent that pre-meditative time focusing on one single situation, like a movie with the pause button pushed, when you felt emotional pain.
Answering the six questions on the Judge Your Neighbor (JYN) offers you a way to clearly identify what you believed in that exact moment.
Sometimes it’s super difficult to write down these thoughts, much less read them out loud.
It feels so childish, embarrassing, revealing, vulnerable.
But it’s worth it.
It’s OK to take your time doing The Work, but I highly recommend sharing your thoughts, your mind, and your inquiry with another person, or a group (like we will today at 7:45 am).
It’s so sweet to notice, you’re not the only one who thinks such things. You’re not the only one with these stressful thoughts.
Your work is my work is our work.
Come join us–no one has to share, and the call is not recorded. Your presence makes a difference, even if you don’t feel it’s time to speak out loud.
And if you do, thanks for your courage.
Let’s do The Work!
“What we are doing with inquiry is meeting our thoughts with some simple understanding, finally. Pain, anger, and frustration will let us know when it’s time to inquire. We either believe what we think or we question it: there’s no other choice. Questioning our thoughts is the kinder way. Inquiry always leaves us as more loving human beings.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?
when goodbye brings a little zing of disappointment (or a massive one)….The Work
If you’ve been considering Year of Inquiry, today’s the best day to join.
Because then, you’ll be a part of Orientation tomorrow, and the first calls next week (we start Tuesday morning, Sept 6th).
An amazing group of 22 people from all over the place–Canada, Norway, Lebanon, England, Florida and every time zone of the US.
Now, I’m not trying to be Doreen Downer….
….but some of these people may have sudden urges to quit, and they might do it.
Which is why I give people two months to be a part of it, and withdraw by November 1st if they choose.
This is the fifth time I’m offering this program, and here’s the funny thing about my own mind, when it comes to the shuffling that happens at the beginning of gathering together a group.
I finally am aware that I know nothing about who will stick around, who will plunge in and participate whole-heartedly for the entire year, who will get scared about something they’re looking at and decide….”maybe not right now, after all.”
Some people may even be ghosts for awhile, then return with renewed energy.
Some may think “that’s enough of answering questions and looking at my thinking!!!” and then come back to looking only a week later.
Everyone has their own pace, their own process, their own journey and I know and trust, it’s just right for them.
I wasn’t like this the first year initially.
OK, fine, or the second.
If someone signed up, participated for the first week or first month, then disappeared or wrote and said “I won’t be doing the program” I would have this disappointed feeling in my gut.
It was the same if I asked my daughter “Hey…do you want to go to this movie with me?” and she said “I would never want to see that movie, are you kidding?!” (She was excellent for not just a simple “no” but a really blunt you-shouldn’t-have-even-asked-me-that “no”).
Awwwww.
Dang.
I would respect their decision of course, and I’d always write “what made you decide not to continue?”
I’d cross my fingers that I’d get a really good, long answer so I could work on improving or changing or learning something about what did not work.
Which is great to get honest feedback of course (awesome, in fact)….
….but that underlying gut disappointment was not exactly thrillingly pleasant.
I knew to do The Work.
I was reminded of all this the other day when six people joined, but two withdrew before we’re even beginning the year. My focus went to the withdrawals.
One had more explanation than the other, and it made so much sense around scheduling conflicts. The other, almost no explanation.
(And there never needs to be any explanation, by the way).
But people come to me all the time to do The Work with huge anxiety and grief around someone breaking up with them, someone expressing the need for change in a relationship, and making the change.
Huge stress follows the words “I’m out” or “I’m leaving” or “it’s over”.
This person should not withdraw. They shouldn’t leave. They shouldn’t break up with me. They should stay.
Is it true?
Wow. What a question. It seems like it’s true. All the love songs are about the disappointment of people parting ways, or not living up to what is desired. Sadness. Anger. Rage. You done me wrong! This is not good!
But is this absolutely true, that no one should ever break up with me, or say “no” to spending time with me, or “no” to a social event I’ve invited them to, or “no” to a program I’m offering?
Is it absolutely true that it’s sad, if someone does?
No.
That would, in fact, be weird if it was absolutely true. I’d be tied like a ball and chain or some strange “rule” to others, and they to me. What I notice about reality is life morphs and changes, interests move, curiosity opens doors, the future is unknown, the past is full of learning.
How could it ever be true for me that someone should “stay”? Whatever “staying” is.
How do you react when you believe someone should stick around, or not say “no”?
Upset. Worried. Anxious.
Seeing visions of EVERYONE doing it. If it starts with this one person, it will increase explonentially.
(I love how the mind does that multiplication thing about the future….let’s 10x the future vision! It’ll be MUCH WORSE!)
But who would you be without this story? What if you couldn’t even have the thought enter your mind and heart that someone shouldn’t say “no” or that people should stay put, or that no changes should ever ensue in relationships?
Amazing idea, right?
And so very exciting.
What if it was The Way of It that people come and go. Reality.
I notice we all get born, and we all die. We’re only here temporarily. Why do we wish, sometimes, for permanence? Guarantees? Certainty? It doesn’t exist.
Without the belief that it should….wow the freedom.
I trust. I let go. I notice I never leave myself, which is very exciting to notice. Something is always here.
Without the belief other people should stick around, I get to notice the thing that DOES stick around….no matter how mysterious. The thing that notices All This. Presence. Nowness. The air in the room, the chair underneath, the fingers moving to make words and express.
The wonder of “here”. This isn’t “nothingness”.
Turning the thoughts around: They should go, when they do. They should withdraw, they should leave. They should break up with me. They shouldn’t stay.
I can’t even begin to list the advantages I’ve discovered when people have left. Even if it’s that I get to do whatever I want on a Friday night with zero consultation. No more dealing with what the other person wants. No more trying to help someone else.
Nothing left to focus my attention on, outside of myself. Left with the fire of neediness or disappointment, I could do The Work.
I shouldn’t go away from myself. I shouldn’t withdraw from me. I shouldn’t leave THEM, or myself. I shouldn’t break up with them, with myself. I should stay with them (no matter where their body is). I should stay with myself.
I’ve noticed, when someone withdrew, or abandoned, or left….whatever I want to call them being gone….I would forget myself. I would not be enjoying my own company.
I should stop doing that!
I could notice what was magnificent about having this moment all to myself, to enjoy the world around me, whatever was there. Long ago when I was in the midst of divorce, I did this work and found how incredible it was to play the piano again, all by myself, and read….all weekend long. My favorite!
And I should trust and enjoy the movement of that person’s life over there. That’s how I can not leave them. I can support them doing what they need to do, with respect. I can trust the greater universe, this reality, and the friendliness of it all, and that I have NO IDEA what the future will bring.
It’s never been 10x of the worst moment ever, and everyone ditching me.
It’s been the opposite. New people come along. I am cared for and loved.
Every time.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Thanks dad, for going when you did, so many years ago. Your departure helped me stand on my own two feet, and find out I could not only survive, but thrive. And thanks for Not Leaving in my mind and heart. I talk to you almost every day. You might not be here in form, but you’re here.
P.P.S. Learn about these last few hours of joining Year of Inquiry before our Orientation tomorrow by visiting here.
We all get our feelings hurt. It’s part of being human, and alive.
But the way I used to feel when someone hurt my feelings was desperate, ashamed, anxious to please, worried, and self-critical.
I’d also feel incredibly upset with the one who hurt me.
I’d feel angry with that person, or afraid, and equally as critical of them as I was of me.
I’ll never forget one time I felt horribly hurt.
It was my very first job after graduating from college. My boss was generally a kind man. He was my parent’s generation, and I saw him as an authority figure. He was the director of a college, and I was the undergraduate student advisor.
One day, he called me into his office, which was right next door.
“You need to stop talking so much with the students.”
I felt sick to my stomach. (Notice that phrase “sick to my stomach” about feeling hurt and criticized).
After work, I ate from the doorstep of my job all the way through the streets to my apartment.
I share today how you could view the ones who hurt you, and experience peace, instead of “sick to your stomach” by emotionally eating.
The ultimate preparation for story weather….four questions known as The Work
As September 1st rolls into clear view this week I’m immersed in preparing an Orientation for all the new Year of Inquiry participants.
September always feels like the start of something new. End of summer, beginning of more indoor time.
I grew up going to school every single September of my whole childhood, and young adulthood.
It gets in your bones. A conditioned feeling of preparing. Movement into growing darkness. Movement into the internal life. More quiet, scholarly work. Get the harvest in, hibernation is coming.
Winter on the distant horizon.
Batten down the hatches!
People in my family said “batten down the hatches” like so many historical shipping phrases, even though no one worked at sea or was a part of sea life for generations.
The hatches are the openings to the sky. The crew covered them tightly with wooden “battens” and canvas when a storm was coming. Preparing for rough seas ahead.
Which is a bit dramatic, perhaps, about the movement into autumn, here in the northern hemisphere where I live.
And yet, I used to truly feel this way internally about silence, darkness, quiet, emptiness, space.
Going within meant remembering. It meant Alone. Lonely. Sad. Despairing. Lost. Afraid. Untethered.
I almost wasn’t aware I had this dread, either.
Until I sat down to meditate, or had too open a schedule without a to-do list.
Then, when I was alone and silent, instead of “peace and quiet” it felt like the volume went UP on anxiety, sadness, grief.
I’d want to see a movie, read a good book or “accomplish” something….or in the past: eat, drink, smoke, physically move (exercise), listen to self-improvement audios.
So yesterday, I guess it was no surprise really at the end of summer on an overcast day with tiny raindrops….
….Gosh. It seems like a really good day to start cleaning out the shed, organizing things to take to the dump, make a stack of For Sale items and Giveaways. Put on gloves and haul, stack, throw away, go through 15 year old files. Watch videos briefly on how to move the shed once it’s emptied.
Get ready.
I was alone and doing this almost all day. Phone in the house, computer lying idle. Physical movement, thoughts dancing through.
It does feel good to “do” a job. It still often feels initially better than sitting in silence and stillness.
At least, according to my mind, which comes up with all kinds of reasons why moving slower and sitting quietly is bad.
In quiet sitting, I might feel worried, troubled, afraid, or bored.
Which is probably why I love The Work so very much.
There’s something to “do” with all those thoughts, with that thinking energy. With the feelings of wanting to “batten down the hatches.”
The Work asks, like a little innocent kid…..
….Hey you! Over there! Yes, you! The one running so fast and so busy and working so hard and “doing” lots of stuff!? YOU!
What are you doing over there, preparing for a big storm? What storm do you think is coming? Why do you think so? Where did you ever get that idea? What are you so worried about?
I love that The Work invites you to actually look at the storm, rather than simply assume it’s coming.
The Work asks “is it true?”
You get to sit in meditation and wonder about your answer, and maybe not answer quite so fast.
And instead of being aware of a huge storm, you can look at one rain squall at a time, and look with a clear pair of safety glasses at that one situation only. That one conversation, that one upset, that one argument, that one moment with that person who scared you, tormented you, disappointed you.
Last night, after my satisfying day of doing (especially according to the one who likes to see accomplishments)….
…..I sat quietly and pondered the Year of Inquiry group, everyone about to start inquiring together on our journeys within.
One person had withdrawn during the day via email, and another one joined.
I updated my list.
I then closed my eyes and held still, feeling the deep appreciation for this moment exactly as it is, without a single need to improve, or take away, or fix, or add, or change anything.
Feeling so grateful for all those preparing to join me, with a joy that inquiry will be in our pockets as a special tool for the entire fall, winter, spring, and then in Summer Camp for The Mind (always included for Year of Inquiry friends).
I love that if I feel upset, whether a drop or a huge brewing storm or a downpour of upset….
….I have four questions, and finding turnarounds.
And I have people to do it with once, twice or three times a week….
….for all the months ahead, through holidays and travels and cold weather and political change and relationship worries and the movement of life.
Even if you’re not doing something as big of a commitment as Year of Inquiry, there are ways to “do” The Work and get it done, as Byron Katie says.
Call the Helpline, get a fabulous partner to connect with regularly. Set time aside to sit and write out your work, if you’re able and willing.
If you’re thinking of joining Year of Inquiry, I’m creating an Orientation presentation that’s brand new (first time I’ve done it).
This Orientation will help people know exactly how to dial in no matter where they live, access the recordings of our calls, prepare for partnering (which is optional), share on our private forum, and enter their own inner world with the best “batten” I could ever imagine having….
….The Work.
The Work is a ‘batten’ to “batten down the hatches” of overwhelming, wild, freaked out, grief-riddled storms.
The Work addresses all the storms experienced in the PAST, the ones I already lived through that made such lasting impressions on me.
And low and behold, when these become less frightening, less dark, light spring rains, or even the sunniest weather I could ever have imagined with crystal clear blue skies….
….then there’s no fear of the future, or winter, anymore.
“The Work is merely four questions; it’s not even a thing. It has no motive, no strings. It’s nothing without your answers. These four questions will join any program you’ve got and enhance it. Any religion you have–they’ll enhance it. If you have no religion, they will bring you joy. And they’ll burn up anything that isn’t true for you. They’ll burn through to the reality that has always been waiting.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is.
If you’re ready for companionship and joining fellow inquirers to help you stay in The Work and “get it done” then come join us in a Year of Inquiry. Three time zones allow you to connect at least once a week, for 3 weeks every month. You’ll then choose if you’d like to be paired with someone in the group (highly recommended) for a month at a time, getting the support of others and sharing in such a deep way, people make life-long friends.
When I left the School for The Work in 2005, I noticed I just did not do The Work that often.
It didn’t fit into the category of “doing”. It was more like sitting still in silence, meditating. Good for me like eating raw broccoli perhaps, but I couldn’t see the immediate results, and it was a little nerve-wracking and awkward all by myself, and felt “hard”.
I would have signed up for a Year of Inquiry in a heartbeat. It’s half the fee of the school itself, and offers structure to stay in The Work for an entire year.
And this year, we’ll be doing a monthly intro session to our topic to do Q & A, share best practices of The Work, hear quotes from Loving What Is, and the retreats (for those who choose to attend) are now 4 days long instead of 3.
Everyone in YOI has access to my phone to text, or my email to write, in case of “emergency” if you go into stormy weather. I am here for all members of YOI when you need it, along with the official solo session everyone gets during the year for some in-depth work (people doing the full YOI including retreats receive at least two solo sessions).
I consider everyone who joins YOI to be my personal teachers, those who are like my fellow students of life. You bring me inquiry in a way I would never do it if left to my own.
If left to my own devices, I’d be cleaning out sheds and battening down hatches with wood and canvas, not four questions.
If left to my own devices, the storms would always be on their way, looming in the distance because I never remembered to ask the question….
….is it true?
“Anger, fear, sadness, discomfort, pain–they should not be allowed in….I believe they are dangerous to my well-being. And so I spend my life running away from them….Much of our suffering comes from deeply unaccepted feelings of helplessness, powerlessness, weakness, insecurity, and uncertainty in the face of this moment.” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance
Put down the hammer, nails, canvas, battens, and visions of dark clouds in the future (or past).
We’ve got some work to do. Called….answering four questions.
Have you ever had the thought, while looking at your bank account statement….
