Grace, Author at Question with Grace

August 27, 2016

My latest Peace Talk: the first time I did The Work (it made me sick)

sickdog — Listen to Peace Talk to hear my first time doing The Work, and feeling sick as a dog

Two people wrote to me yesterday and asked if they could get the masterclass replay Ten Barriers to The Work and How To Dissolve Them. Since I got asked twice, out it goes. Replay is now enabled.

To watch and listen to the MasterClass replay, click here. No opting-in. It’s yours, in service. This link will work until September 5th. This is the day before we start Year of Inquiry which I mention at the end of the masterclass–so it will be outdated after YOI begins.

So, if you want to look at it this weekend, or next long weekend in the United States, feel free.

Then it will go into review, revamp, update mode, or potentially be built into a longer series since there was just so much material to cover in two hours (yes, I know–two hours is a long time….so maybe listening to a part, then coming back later is the perfect way for you).

So speaking of those barriers (will she ever stop?) I was thinking about the Big Kahuna Number One Barrier again yesterday.

Which is doing The Work of Byron Katie on yourself. Not other people or things outside of you in your life. Just wanting to do it on YOU.

Now….here’s the funny thing.

I suddenly remembered that the very first time I did The Work ever in public was when Byron Katie came to my city and offered a weekend-long workshop. There were hundreds of people there.

And guess what I did The Work on?

Um. Yes. (After all this talk of not doing The Work on yourself).

Me.

That’s exactly who I filled out my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on, even though we were invited to NOT fill it out on ourselves and instead consider someone else we might not have forgiven yet.

Me.

But here’s what I remember happened that amazing and horribly difficult weekend. I realized something profoundly important, even though I was “working” on myself.

That I might not be the awful monster I thought I was.

It was a huge beginning to an incredible journey of waking up out of a zombie trance of self-criticism.

So, can I really know it’s difficult or wrong, or even a barrier, to do The Work on oneself?

No.

If you’re one of the people who feels deeply compelled to question thoughts that bring you suffering about yourself, you might enjoy this latest Peace Talk Episode 120.

Even though I spoke on Peace Talk last time about doing The Work on yourself and what to do instead, or how to take it a bit deeper, in this episode I share what happened when I did The Work on myself, anyway.

During that first dreadful weekend workshop, I hardly spoke, I gave no one any eye contact, I never raised my hand (wouldn’t have dreamt of it), felt physically like death warmed over, hated what I wrote on that worksheet…..

…..but something shifted inside of me that was the beginning of the end of the pain…..

…..even though my worksheet appeared to be all about me.

So even though I’ve gone on and on about Barrier #1 to deepening The Work being the way we want to do it on ourselves at first…..

…..there’s nowhere you can’t go with The Work and nothing that will prevent you from freedom, if you answer the questions.

(Peace Talk is also on IHeart Radio and Stitcher by the way, and it helps spread the word so much when you leave a review or subscribe).

“Thinking that people are supposed to do or be anything other than what they are is like saying that the tree over there should be the sky. I investigated that and found freedom.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

This goes for ourselves, too. Thinking WE are supposed to do or be anything other than what we are is like saying something cray cray.

Investigate it.

Much love,

Grace

August 25, 2016

The universe has got this

Work With Grace — “I got this” says the Universe.

One of my best friends, several years ago, left me a voicemail.

She was in a waiting room before going to the chiropractor, looking at a magazine.

She opened it to an article that read “the three sexiest words a man can ever say to a woman….”

I waited with baited breath.

What are the words?

Tell me!

“I Got This.”

I took this in.

Almost immediately, within less than two seconds, I had a picture in my mind of someone like James Bond, or Jason Bourne, or Dwayne Johnson standing next to me and saying it.

“Dang….that’s true,” I thought, seeing the image.

And guess where some voice in my mind went next?

“I’ve never heard this before! I’m missing out! I need to hear this!”

My husband isn’t superman, my previous boyfriends weren’t wealthy movie stars….where is the I-Got-This sexy man?!?!

Instant imagination coming to life, noticing what’s missing.

Isn’t this funny?

And sometimes, not so funny when you feel really sure you’re missing out in a relationship.

I work with people all the time on this kind of belief when it comes to partnership, romance, love, attraction.

They’re missing something. There’s a greener pasture somewhere else (where a man is saying the sexiest three words, for example). Their true mate isn’t here. They’re lonely.

Oh, and on top of this, they should love being by themselves, rather than wanting a partner.

You can’t win!

But let’s look, with inquiry.

There’s an amazing 3-word-speaking perfect partner out there, and I need him.

Is that true?

LOL. No.

But don’t find your answer too fast….really contemplate and answer the question. Take your time.

How do you react when you believe you need that imaginary partner who’s out there somewhere?

Frustrated. Comparing my current partner with the ideal version (which doesn’t exist, I notice, except in the movies or my imagination). Dreaming of what life would be like if a man said “I got this” and handled an entire stressful situation….like all the money, all the household broken items, building stuff, working on the car, making big business deals, keeping out bad guys, identifying con men, managing the territory.

I know, I know. This is a super hetero-disney version of conditioning about men.

You find your own ideal mate, though, whatever this person looks or acts like. They are brilliant, affirming, supportive, sexy, awesome. Your ideal. Over there.

Not here.

So who would you be without this story?

Who would you be without the belief you want the guy who says those three words!

Who would you be without the thought your perfect mate is not around, and you need them to be. You need to be “in” a partnership, and it’s not the one you’re in?

This does NOT mean you SHOULD stay with the partner you’re already with. It doesn’t ever mean that. It also doesn’t mean you shouldn’t pursue an interesting partner. If it’s fun, then how fabulous is that?

This work is about identifying the pieces that are stressful, the beliefs you feel enraged about, or like you’re a victim and it’s not fair and you never get the good stuff.

Who would you be without this story?

Free to come and go, choose and not choose, love and be loved, move over there, return back here, be delighted with, laugh, enjoy, play, celebrate, do things with and then without, feel thrilled with your own company.

Nothing missing.

Everything moving, unfolding, morphing, changing.

Turning the thought around….

I am NOT missing out. I am hearing, feeling, noticing “I Got This!” constantly.

It’s called the Universe/Source/Reality/Love/Life.

Reality, the universe, has got this.

Oh. Right.

People come and go, but reality ALWAYS has this. Can I see and feel the support of the entire world, without feeling like anything is missing? Without pining for what is not? Without thinking what IS here is not enough?

Wow.

Another turnaround: I’ve got this. Me. I am the great supporter and lover of myself. My own amazing super-hero partnership of this apparently individual person here in this life, now. I am connected to all that is, and a part of it, and it’s all handled.

Nothing I can do about it.

“Everything is set up here for your freedom. Everything is here to serve self-realization. When you need a partner, if you need a partner, you’ll have one. And for now, you have a partner. (Pointing to her own head). You can’t get away from this (mind). We don’t have people-partners….we have this (mind)…..

….Once we know what love is in ourselves, it’s immovable. ‘I love’. It’s yours. Who is one loving? You are. When someone says ‘i love you Katie’ I am so happy for them.” ~ Byron Katie during Being With Byron Katie Retreat

You are the one you’ve been waiting for, silence is the one you’ve been waiting for, life is the one you’ve been waiting for. No waiting required.

Now.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. The sixth month in Year of Inquiry is about romantic love. No matter when it’s happened, no matter what you’ve experienced, anything left un-finished or un-resolved. It’s such a big topic, right? That’s why we spend a month on it. Registration closes August 31st at midnight for doing the work for an entire year with a small group. We’re finding out how the universe…..has got this.

August 25, 2016

When you un-do your need to know….an Overwhelming YES to life

footprintsonsand — When you have no idea where this is going….notice the YES of this present moment.

I’m going to be on Facebook Live today at 1:00 pm Pacific Time. Let’s try out the new technology! If you’re free, head to my facebook page and let’s see how it works. The link is here. I know, this is in only 45 mins, but it’s an experiment.

I’ll talk about self-inquiry and barriers to it (which seems to be my specialty, I speak from personal experience, LOL). Since this is my first venture into Facebook Live, I’m not sure how long, or IF, it will work smoothly, so let’s test it.

It’s actually amazing how much we humans live our lives trying an “experiment”.

We move from one place to a new place, we have kids, we get new jobs, we develop new friendships, we have conversations, we get together with people, we part ways.

In some ways, everything is a great and grand experiment, totally unknown how this will turn out.

So here’s the funny thing about the mind, and mental “thinking” that we’re all so aware of.

It moves into considering the past…..and then the future….

….constantly.

When I deeply consider the energy of “thought” it appears to involve pictures, images, imagination, creativity, ideas, review of the past, contemplation, wondering, stories, remembering.

Without any actual clear, straightforward conclusion.

Who would we be without our thoughts?

This is Question #4 in The Work of Byron Katie, and also a question raised in many spiritual and contemplative traditions. An awareness and a wondering of what we are, who we are, without our ideas about right/wrong, good/bad, terrible/wonderful.

I love how with The Work, you get to ask this question on only one simple situation at a time. A bite-sized chunk.

Who would you be without your stressful belief or image or conclusion in that ONE situation you feel scared, angry, nervous or sad about?

Who would you be without the belief you’d prefer to KNOW what’s going to happen rather than engage in an experiment?

Do you really want to know exactly what’s going to happen later today, or tomorrow, or next week, or next month, or two years from now, or in twenty years, or in seventy years when you’re likely no longer here anymore in a body?

“I need to know what will happen.”

(You can find a specific subject or situation to ask this question about, no matter how big or small, in your own life.)

Is it true?

No.

I really have no idea, and I can see how knowing might be weird, and too much, and not for me.

How do I react when I believe I need to know what’s going to happen, or that something will have a good outcome?

Anxious, seeing pictures of the Opposite of good outcome. I see terrible results, bad outcomes, big disasters, fearful scenes. My story is a worried one.

Who would you be without the thought you need to know how this is going to turn out, you need to know what will happen?

WooWee!

Right here, very present.

Excited to see how this unfolds.

Willing to allow it to be as it is, not crunch down tightly against it and get all freaked out.

Feeling the lightness of “I Don’t Know”.

Turning this thought around: I do NOT need to know what will happen.

Truer.

There are so many things better left unknown. Then I get to do only what appears to be required in the moment. Maybe it’s nothing. I move as I do. This is not me running the show. I am just here. I am not waiting.

Turning it around another way, ever so slightly different: I need to NOT know what will happen. It’s actually better that I don’t know. That leaves things to occur at a pace that’s impersonal, not all about me. It gives me the gift of coming back to this moment. Very open.

Less is required than I ever imagined (when using my mind). Instead of knowing, I need to NOT know. That’s hilarious. But has a huge sense of ease and sweetness.

Another turnaround: What will happen needs to know me.

Now, isn’t that just the most cosmic, fun, loving thing you ever heard?

The universe….what will happen….life, love, the world, everything….is so excited to know me.

It’s waiting for me, in every brilliant moment. It needs to know me, to understand, to be with, to connect with, to love me.

The ultimate “nothing is required” story. The universe and reality are here to know me. I don’t have to work hard at it, I don’t have to go out and find it in the bushes somewhere, like it’s lost in a mysterious field.

It’s coming to me.

In every moment.

Can you feel it?

“To face the totality of life we must face the reality of death, sorrow, and loss as well. We must face them as unavoidable aspects of life. The question is, can we face them directly without getting lost in the stories that our mind weaves about them? That is, can we directly encounter this tragic quality of life on its own terms? Because if we can, we will find a tremendous affirmation of life, an affirmation that is forged in the fierce embrace of tragedy. At the very heart and core of our being, there exists an overwhelming yes to existence. ” ~ Adyashanti

Can you find the “yes” in this moment of existence right now? Who would you be without your story of needing to know anything?

Much love,

Grace

August 23, 2016

Reading someone close your worksheet on THEM (gasp!)

honest — it may seem frightening….but telling the truth is easier. Judge Your Neighbor, write it down, ask 4 questions, turn it around.

Best. People. Ever. Signing up for Year of Inquiry.

Yesterday, I spoke with someone asking about the partnering thing I mention we do. As in….you have a choice of zero partnering,casual partnering, or immersion partnering.

And what, pray tell, is “immersion partnering”?

This is what the inquirer wanted to know.

First of all, just in case you don’t know…..”partnering” means you are paired with someone else in Year of Inquiry (by moi) and you connect with that person to trade facilitation in The Work.

Actually, you can partner in The Work with anyone, any time. I worked with one lovely woman for 2 years, weekly, both of us facilitating one another through worksheet after worksheet, discovery upon discovery. It was a brilliant sharing of our lives, honestly, together.

One person facilitates, one person does The Work, then you switch roles.

I always have people connect for partnering in my programs, because you get to know each other so very, very well that way. You learn about your own process, you find acceptance for yourself as you reveal your judgments or hear someone else’s. It’s an awesome experience.

Except.

When what you’re hearing hurts, or feels scary. Or the person starts to bug you.

A flash back.

One of my sisters has attended the School for The Work. It’s why I went a few months later, after she reported such immense learning, and came back smiling from ear to ear.

But I don’t feel so close to her, even though we are two School graduates.

We had a major upset about ten years earlier, when I went to visit her across country (to the east coast) with my newborn baby and my then-husband.

Things didn’t go so well back then for that trip. We had a fantastic greeting on day one, enjoyable day two, but then something started going awry on day three, day four. I was irritable, couldn’t sleep well with a nursing baby. My sister had plans for us and I felt like it was impossible to keep to the schedule. My husband was uncomfortable on the futon. Disappointment. Fatigue. Not talking it through. Tension.

My then-husband, me and our baby caught a plane home early.

The whole relationship felt different. What was once super close, now felt immensely distant.

We didn’t speak for a long time. I avoided it. I felt awful. I felt tense. I was sad but didn’t know how to bring up the “problem” which got older and older as time passed.

Then we both within months, as I said, attended the School for The Work.

Ring, ring, ring.

“Hello?”

“It’s your sister. I’m wondering if we can break through what’s been going on for ten years between us, and talk about it.”

Hearts beating. This is scary. Intimacy.

“Agreed”.

We made arrangements to get together in person, for four hours,(I’m pretty sure I said I thought two would be fine) and write worksheets on each other that we would read out loud, and the other one would then facilitate.

Wow.

I thought about the upcoming meeting with nervousness and hope for days before it happened. I felt excited, and terrified. And I knew it was a good thing, at the deepest level.

Before my sister came over to my house, I wrote about three worksheets, noticing my urge to edit what I put there. I wasn’t so great at the time at staying in one situation. I included moments from childhood, I skipped to the time of the terrible visit (ten years in the past now). I chose not to swear, I felt too frightened anyway. I felt a weird mixture of wanting to be completely honest, but wanting to not go overboard or freak out or be enraged. No way.

Despite the carefulness, there was truth on that worksheet. Honest pain and hurt, and saying so.

Her worksheet on me was honest, too.

To get through this wild ride of exposing our inner thoughts about the other, we copied what we had seen Byron Katie do with people when they do The Work on each other up on stage. One person reads their worksheet, looks up, says “I am ____ with YOU, because _____”. The reader gets eye contact. The listener says “thank you.”

Yep. We did that.

I said “thank you” to my younger sister who said something on her worksheet like “I’m angry with you because you got the best of everything, first. I’m angry with you for being so mean to me when I was a kid. I’m angry with you for being so immature about communicating honestly”.

I don’t remember what she said, exactly, but it stung. And it was true….that’s what I remember.

She was right.

We spent four hours facilitating each other, back and forth. It was one of the most intimate, frightening, wonderful, painful experiences I’ve ever had.

Now that’s some serious partnering.

Immersion partnering, has a few tones that are similar.

The people electing to partner with this kind of depth get to capture their judgments about the facilitation and partnering process they’ve just experienced, on paper.

This can be any petty judgments about being asked questions or the way the process unfolded, or the cadence of someone’s voice as they facilitate. These are the kinds of things we grow up being told to NEVER under ANY circumstance say out loud. The little criticisms saying “I don’t like this”.

Since the two partners are usually not family members or close friends (before Year Of Inquiry that is….after YOI they sure might be)….the concepts captured on a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet may seem much less intense than the ones I wrote about my sister, or she wrote about me.

And yet….the same concerns exist between people who don’t know each other well as for people who know and love each other very deeply.

Can I speak what’s true, and not be cut off from love? Can I be honest and safe?

I’m here to say…..yes.

In fact, speaking what’s true for you, even when you’re terrified, can bring you closer to love, and safer than you ever imagined. That’s the funny part.

It can bring you closer to yourself.

No one in Year of Inquiry has to do this immersion level partnering, and anyone can opt-out any time, for periods when they’re away, or need a break, or have lots happening in their lives.

People are free to opt for Zero Partnering. This works, too. You simply want to be facilitated, and find your own answers, and pairing up with others is a bit much for now–you have some deep work to do.

Casual level partnering is the kind I did over two years with the amazing woman I connected with weekly. You bring your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet to the session, you choose how long you’re meeting, and you each get a turn facilitating and being facilitated on a difficult situation in your life. You can do this once a month, or four times a month, it doesn’t matter.

What I like about the people in Year of Inquiry is they test out the waters and try on what’s right for themselves, and they are in all walks of life and all places of experience with The Work.

We’re supporting and moving in this journey together, questioning the stressed out mind and the perspective that sees the water glass as half empty, rather than half full.

No “right” or “wrong” with how we’re doing it. Ever.

And you know what?

I am sooooo very close to that same sister I did The Work with. It’s absolutely awesome. I can trust her to be honest. There’s no wondering what she’s thinking. She shows up. I admire her so much. I feel happy in her presence.

There are still 8 days until Orientation for Year of Inquiry on September 1st. Three more spots make the ideal full YOI. Is one of them yours?

“We’re all children when we believe unquestioned, nursery-school thoughts. ‘He doesn’t like me.’ ‘He’s a bad person.’ ‘It’s not fair.’ ‘I need to be punished.’ ‘ I’ll cry to get what I want.’ ‘I’m a victim.’ ‘You are my problem.’….Have you graduated yet?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?

Year of Inquiry: a profound commitment

“Doing YOI, I have found it much easier to do the work with other people. I’ve done it enough that it is just in me so I think about it a lot throughout my day. However, that is vastly different than consciously setting a time to do the work. I found this to be more solidifying of the work within me than I realized it would be. It was as though I was out of practice and this got me back into it in a big way. Perhaps something like an athlete that has been out of practice for a while then gets back into it. The strongest part was the action of me making a commitment to do this for an entire year. There was something very profound in that. Having the fellowship of everybody else was very strong for me as well….Much love to you.” (YOI participant 2014)

Much love, Grace

August 22, 2016

The Do-Do of believing in requirements

docknight — Remembering….nothing is required.

Last night, I was leafing through my well-worn book Loving What Is.

I was thinking about time and how I needed more of it.

How I want to hike Mt. Dickerman before the summer is over, connect for meals or walks with some important friends, clean out the shed, finish the doggone book proposal that’s been on the back burner for two years, create the first webinar for the new Year of Inquiry peeps, go on a date with my husband, add a little more time to meditation silence each day….

….and once again I wondered what it would be like if I really remembered every moment that there is nothing truly required. No place I’ll get to that’s “it” after I do all these things.

No way I can exert pressure or force change on my environment, the people I’ve known, the situations I’ve encountered that I find troubling, frightening, sad, or necessary and feel peace.

There is no way I can do everything my mind pictures or suggests to me. No way I can see every place I learn about, or read every book, or get it all done.

There is no way I can avoid heartbreak, or difficult things happening….like disappointment, or death.

A voice dimly shouted “Get to work!” like I should start the list, or start something, anything. It was an unusual day, after all….nothing on the calendar at a set time. Many things could be done, but nothing required for happiness.

Nothing required for happiness.

What a strange concept, right?

I’ve been so conditioned, it seems, to figure out (I love the way the words “figure out” are so mentally oriented) where this life ought to go, for it to be the greatest show on earth….

….or at least a really good one….

….and I’ve been told Nothing Will Happen Unless I Make It Happen.

I’ve got proof of those people who didn’t do anything, and tanked.

No success, no service to others, nothing noble, no enlightenment before they died, no major impact on the human race, no invention that stops global warming, no big accomplishment, no wild adventure that could be made into a Hollywood movie.

Sigh.

(This one again, Grace? Come on. How many times do you have to inquire about…..)

Deep breath.

I have to make stuff happen. This moment, not enough is happening. I need to make MORE happen.

Is it true?

Suddenly, remembering what a funny thought that one is, that I have to be the get-it-done person, or else (terrible images).

I mean, this just isn’t true.

There’s a problem in this moment….not true.

Not even close.

I know what I’m like WITH the thought there’s a problem, and I need to make stuff happen so I’m better off or more successful later on.

I’m tight, snappish. I don’t stop working on these things I think are valuable, that help the effort to get somewhere very important.

My daughter interrupts and I say with some sharpness “not now, wait five minutes”.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that….but really? Is this such an emergency and so important I can’t answer her question, and cook some dinner with her?

Who would I be without this story?

Noticing how much fun I have in movement, and in slowness. It moves back and forth, flowing strong, then soft.

It doesn’t have to be turned on, turned up, going 100 mph all day without stopping to be called “successful”.

Without the belief it’s required to make stuff happen, I might sit on the front porch and talk with an old friend on skype for awhile, then go on a bike ride.

I might reflect on how I’ve heard that the man Siddhartha, who became known as Buddha, fried so very hard to find wisdom that he practically killed himself with aesthetic spiritual practice for years.

Even WITH the thought….I may notice I don’t tackle the list, and instead, I still bike ride.

Who is this “I” that’s noticing the Task Master anyway? Or the Lazy Do Nothing-er? Or the images of what will happen if (Do or Not Do)?

Without the belief that I must “do” I notice I actually DO do.

That is, I enjoy doing some things. I adore writing. I love to read. I like talking closely with a friend one-on-one. I like exchanging emails with people asking about space in Year of Inquiry. New ideas float through. I schedule my first “livestream” for Thursday at 1 pm without really knowing what it is or what I’ll say or if it will work.

I notice the Way of It is someone loving writing, getting up and drinking some water, asking my husband a question about his day, hearing silence, eating a juicy nectarine, watching Mooji on youtube, or leafing through Loving What Is.

Remembering happens, that this is it, nothing more, no later future like tomorrow. THIS.

Loving What Is, page 53.

Katie: If I think that someone else is causing my problem, I’m insane.

Inquirer: I see. So….we cause our own problems?

Katie: Yes, but only all of them. It’s just been a misunderstanding. Your misunderstanding. Not theirs. Not ever, not even a little. Your happiness is your responsibility. This is very good news.

Maybe this also includes when I think my mind is causing problems, or money is causing problems, or the body is causing problems, or the mosquito bite itch is causing problems.

It’s all a misunderstanding. My happiness is my responsibility.

Now.

This is very good news. Very, very good news.

The best news I could ever imagine in the world. That without believing my stressful thoughts (or any thoughts) are true in this moment….

….I’m not only sane. I’m happy.

Thank you, Four Questions.

And if that’s a big jump to take, start on the first “problem”. Get with others and do The Work. Take a telecourse, call the Help Line, find a partner, answer the questions, attend a meetup for The Work, joinYear of Inquiry.

Get it in your bones and see what happens when you let go of “doing” and simply question what hurts, instead.

Much love,

Grace

August 18, 2016

Why do The Work? (+ early bird YOI closes tonight at midnight PT)

h-c-YOI2016

I am beyond-excited about the new participants who have registered for Year of Inquiry 2016-2017.

I feel so touched that people raise their hand for such a long commitment….an entire year.

One of the biggest considerations people have is wondering if this process of doing The Work steadily will “work”.

It’s kind of a funny question to answer.

Because, if you know anything about this brilliant process called The Work of Byron Katie, you know it’s powerful, deep, simple and liberating….and there are no guarantees.

When someone asks me if I think doing The Work will work, whether they’re thinking about Year of Inquiry or any other program involving self-inquiry, I actually want to find out more and ask them questions.

What do you need it to “work” for?

What are you having troubles with? What do you object to about your life? What else have you tried? How will you know if it’s worked? How will you know if it hasn’t worked?

What I’ve noticed about my own life, is when I have Great Expectations for something and really feel a deep conviction that something MUST WORK, I’ve got a bit of fear.

Or a lot of it.

I remember this was my feeling the first time I called a therapist, and scheduled an appointment. Ok, Ok, my mom called the therapist. But I felt utterly desperate. I so wanted to understand myself, to heal my crazed eating patterns, to quell my anxiety, to see if I could relax and find hope about my world.

This was also my feeling….fear, desperation….when I first attended a Twelve Step Meeting for people suffering from addictive drinking, although I was there because of my eating (they didn’t have an Overeaters Anonymous in the place I was temporarily living at the time, but they did have AA and someone said to go anyway).

It seemed like extreme suffering, secrecy, pain and shame drove me to seek help.

Those two processes–therapy and 12 Steps–changed everything for me. It was like some lights got turned on in a very dark room. I found support, care, love and new ways of sharing I never imagined possible.

I started connecting with the world more more, rather than being such a reclusive scaredy cat, especially amount my emotional life.

Fast forward to about twenty years later.

I’ve graduated with a master’s degree in Applied Behavioral Science because I’m just so dang fascinated with the human mind, human actions, human thought.

I’ve gotten married, stayed at one job for several years, bought a house, made friends, had two beautiful children (home births), taken writing classes, and no longer ate my head off when I was upset.

I was clearly not desperate and terrified anymore.

Not like that other dreadful way, that felt like I was small, lost, suicidal and frightened in a big enormous and strange world.

And yet….

….I had a kind of feeling of deep angst within, if I really thought about it, when it came to my true spirit.

I still had a constant question inside. I still felt uncertain, troubled and like life was one big fat question mark–and I didn’t like it.

What is life for? Is this happiness? If you stop feeling broken, is that all there is? What about deep peace? What is this place (earth)? Why am I here? Why was I so screwed up in my twenties? Can I make sure my kids don’t suffer as much as I did? What is God? What is faith? Did I make a mistake? What would I have faith “in” if I had it? Did I do enough today? Why do terrible things happen? Why don’t I like that person?

How can I understand All This?

Because I didn’t really feel like all there was to life was getting over feeling mentally ill (eating disorder, depression, anxiety) and being “normal”, whatever that was.

Right?

Over the years I read volumes of books on spirituality, religion, peace and self-improvement or personal development. I went to est. After my master’s degree, I spent another $15K on a one year Life Coach training program. I bought all the books on “success”. I watched the movie the Secret.

Not that there’s anything wrong with any of those—they were all great, actually.

But then, I came across the book “Loving What Is”.

I was sooooo intrigued.

There was no cheerleading, no positive affirmations, no creating plans, no training for a future, more successful moment later on.

It was about this moment, here, now. No matter what was happening in it.

And what I thought of it.

No guru, no teacher, no key, no special religion, no right answer needed.

Only the time to consider and contemplate, to wonder about my thinking, to meditate on situations I thought of as horrible….

….and take them through four questions, and then find turnarounds, just as an experiment, not as anything I “should” do or “better” do, or else.

The invitation was peace.

True peace was something I still dearly wanted.

And it’s been an amazing journey. (Not over yet, I notice).

What I love about The Work is best described at the very beginning of the book Loving What Is:

“The deeper you go into The Work, the more powerful you realize it is. People who have been practicing inquiry for a while often say, ‘The Work is no longer something I do. It is doing me.’ They describe how, without any conscious intention, the mind notices each stressful thought and undoes it before it can cause any suffering. Their internal argument with reality has disappeared, and they find that what remains is love—love for themselves, for other people, and for whatever life brings. The title of this book describes their experience: Loving what is becomes as easy and natural as breathing.” ~ Stephen Mitchell, husband to Byron Katie, Introduction to Loving What Is

After reading Loving What Is, it took me awhile to really “do” The Work. I didn’t have patience for it one minute when I tried it on my own.

I also developed a raging inexplicable fever the first time I went to see Byron Katie. (I was trying The Work on one thing I was most ashamed about in my entire life–an abortion. Next time remind me to start out a little slower).

I went to the School for The Work and had insight after insight popping in my mind, so stunned I didn’t sleep more than four hours a night for 9 months.

You mean, all my suffering could be altered, my experience of life completely changed, by identifying my painful thinking and asking if it was really true? Seriously?!

WOW.

But I still wouldn’t sit down and DO The Work all by myself.

Then someone touched my arm at a Byron Katie event and said “can I hire you as a facilitator?”

Oh. Hire me. Um. Well. Hire me?

Yes.

She worked with me for three years straight. A brilliant inquirer.

Or should I say….I worked with her for three years straight.

Because that’s what every person who shows up to work with me is. Someone to do The Work with. My work. My teacher, my family, my guide, my coach, my friend, my colleague, my companion.

They are a part of my world….and this world has become absolutely brilliant.

Now, THAT, is a story worth keeping.

As people in The Work for awhile joke, “This is my (new) story, and I’m stickin’ to it!”

We really have no idea where this story is going.

But it’ll probably be better than anything we could have ever imagined.

Considering that, all hatred driven hence,

The [mind] recovers radical innocence

And learns at last that it is self-delighting,

Self-appeasing, self-affrighting,

And that its own sweet will is Heaven’s will.

~ William Butler Yeats(printed in Loving What Is, by Byron Katie)

If you find yourself drawn, and yet you do not “do” The Work as deeply as you’d like whether on your own or with others, then maybe Year of Inquiry is for you. We start September 1st with Orientation, and September 8th is our very first call.

It’s for those who love self-inquiry, have seen the joy it brings, and who need to connect with others to keep it alive and shining.

For people like me.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. For those who have questions (I’ve received a bunch) on what are the fees and how did I come to them, the logistics, and what exactly is included in YOI….you can visit the YOI web page, but here’s the short version:

In a nutshell….with a business expert a few years ago, I wrote down every program I’ve ever done myself, or heard directly about, focusing on personal transformation and understanding thoughts, feelings, and peaceful human behavior, and came in under most.

Individual therapy $740 per month/ $8800 per year.
Group therapy $450 per month/ $5400 per year.
Life Coach training $8,000-$15,000 per year.
School for The Work $5500 for 9 days.
The Forum $550 for one weekend (plus many more courses).
Context Trainings $595 weekend (plus advanced courses).
Meditation retreat with favorite teacher $525 (5 days).
Geneen Roth Women, Food and God Retreat $1845 (6 days).

The normal YOI full program fee is $3200 including everything and $2275 for All-But-Retreats YOI for a 12 month program, a private group through June, then Summer Camp for The Mind 5 days a week.

This crazy early-bird helps me prepare and get the group together before we even start. It’s $2700 for full YOI and $1900 for All-But-Retreats.

Refund: Anyone can withdraw before November 1st, 2016 for a full refund minus only $100 per month (September and/or October). Take 60 days to feel it out and decide. You’ll be treated from the start like a part of the team, but if it’s not for you, no questions asked.

Schedule: We meet on teleconference call, password protected, using skype, webcall, or simple phone. Tuesday 8:30, Weds 2:00 pm, Thurs 5:30 pm PT. All 90 minutes. Come to one, or all, of the telecalls. These meet 3 weeks of every month.

Once a month at the beginning of the month, we’ll have an intro webinar on that topic, and you’ll be guided through the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. It will be recorded.

Everyone gets access to YOI via Slack, a really cool custom private online forum you can put on your phone and your computer. We stay connected together all year.

Partner Work: Everyone gets to Casual Partner or Training Partner as followed in Institute for The Work 1-4-1 partnering. You choose.

Two retreats Seattle: October 13-16, 2016 and May 2017

To learn all the greater details, please visit the Year of Inquiry web page right here.

“When you believe your thoughts, you suffer….but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie

August 17, 2016

Orchestrate your own happiness (who’s coming?)

nisargadattaquoteYOI Yesterday I offered for the third time (I called it an Encore since so many people requested it “just once more”) the MasterClass on Ten Barriers That Derail, Deflect, Cloud, Make Murky or Result in Meh When It Comes To Doing The Work….And How To Dissolve Them.

Watch and listen to the replay here. It will be available until Friday.

To be honest, I’m not sure the class could thoroughly cover how to dissolve all the barriers. I mean, really.

But just being aware of what creates havoc….

….or as someone mentioned recently…..the mind’s “antics”….

….can change everything and bring much greater awareness.

I offered four exercises that help you dig into thoughts and get to the bottom of the stressful barriers and patterns we tend to fall into.

And I offered the four ingredients I’ve found that support any kind of personal, transformational work (connect, feel, bond, imagine)….

….but only you ultimately get to discover what your barriers are and how you might dissolve them, in your own time, in your own way.

Self-inquiry is an unplanned program of wondering about your life, your own experience, your own brilliant, crazy, wildly-fast thoughts, your beliefs, your perceptions.

Some call it questioning your suffering, and the meaning of being human and living this life….wondering why it sometimes hurts, and exploring how to navigate it all.

Funny, with self-inquiry, there are no formulas, no step-by-step plans, no guarantees, no results, no certainties, no promises, no answers (but your own), no golden tickets, and nowhere to go.

What an odd business to be in.

We’re asking over and over again…..”is it true?”

And yet, here I am, here we are.

Coming back to the slight sudden in-breath that happens when we answer the question about whether or not something is absolutely true about this terrible situation we’re contemplating….

….wow….what I’m thinking and believing might not be true!!?!

There’s nothing like discovering what you thought was true (that’s scary or sad)…..isn’t.

There’s nothing like discovering you may have barriers to freedom, in your opinion….but there are four questions you can answer, to check on reality to see if it’s really as unfriendly as you imagine.

“When you realize that suffering and discomfort are the call to inquiry, you may actually begin to look forward to uncomfortable feelings. You may even experience them as friends coming to show you what you have not yet investigated thoroughly enough. It’s no longer necessary to wait for people or situations to change in order to experience peace and harmony. The Work is the direct way to orchestrate your own happiness.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Year of Inquiry begins with our Orientation in two weeks, and our first telecall in three weeks, the first retreat in eight weeks (if you’re coming to the optional retreats).

If you’ve tried everything to stop thinking stressful thoughts, and to feel better, but it hasn’t exactly worked….and you know deep within that you are your own teacher (along with reality)….then you’re probably already thinking about joining.

Early bird ends Friday night, which helps with cost, but people will still join afterwards and still get a great deal for the support of doing The Work month in and month out for a year.

Read all about it here. I’d love to have you share in this amazing adventure with me.

Who’s coming?

Much love,

Grace

August 16, 2016

If you think you’re screwing up….you may be missing what’s really bothering you

I’m thrilled today to offer, for a third time, the MasterClass on our human barriers to doing The Work (I walk through ten of them I’ve identified)….and what helps to dissolve them. We get underway at 2:00 pm Pacific Time and will be going for a minimum of 2 hours.

What I know about doing something many times is, you get better and better at it, naturally. You learn through doing it.

This applies to doing The Work, too.

But we sure do feel lousy when we look at ourselves and have the thought “you’re doing a horrible job” or “you made a mistake” or “what a dummy!”

Yikes, that self-flogging is hard to bear, and yet very common.

self-criticalme — Is your worst enemy……you? Find out what you’re really afraid of.

Just the other day, in the Summer Camp call, someone had a worksheet on The Work itself.

I was so moved by the honesty and the thoughts about this “thing” called “Doing The Work” and then this other entity called “me”, noticing how the “me” in question is a Big Fat Mess….

….and “The Work” needs to fix it. ASAP.

Problem is, when you really believe this is true, the BFM (Big Fat Mess) is attacked. It must be stopped.

We’re at war!

We feel the need to do The Work, or many other modalities that tend to invite and result in powerful change, because of one single basic deep assumption:

What I Am Is Not Good Enough.

What I am is not working, not succeeding, mediocre, imperfect, a procrastinator, a mistake-maker, poor at decisions, basically and inherently Less Than.

Ouch.

It’s hard to question all the thoughts you identify that are directed at YOU, this entity with so many problems, because part of you can’t see the underlying assumption that hurts so much and lies beneath everything and every strategy to fix it.What is happening isn’t good. I can make it change.

Double Ouch.

So what if for just a second, you stopped trying to fix yourself and your BFM (Big Fat Mess) ways……..and you directed your attention to what’s happening that hurts or feels very frightening?

If you think you’re a dork at making money, how about looking at money….instead of condemning yourself and beating yourself to a pulp trying to get yourself to pursue more money all the time?

If you think you’re horrible at love and relationships….how about looking at those relationships and wondering why you want them, what they give you, what you believe is necessary about them or necessary about getting them away from you, so you can be happy?

If you think you’re a ridiculous parent….how about looking at your kids and how they behave that suddenly has you acting like an eight year old yourself, and then feeling ashamed of it?

If you think you’re a terrible employee….how about you look at your boss, or co-worker, or the place you work and seeing what annoys you or frightens you about it that rubs you the wrong way?

If you think you’re an addict….how about you look at your terror, the times you felt traumatized, the encounters that made you feel deeply upset, maybe from the distant past?

The attack at the self often comes right on the heels of seeing a situation and thinking “This can’t be so, I can’t take this, this is failure, I’m afraid of what’s happening!”

All I know is, I have found it far more powerful to stop looking at improving myself, which is really Step 2 that the speedy mind comes up with anyway, and go for the jugular.The jugular, the most important vein, the source of nourishment and life to those thoughts about “me” and what a terrible person I am.

This is the situation I see around me, the condition of life I’m living in, the contact I have with reality….and how upset and frightened I am by it.Money, Time, People, Change, Earthquakes, Physical Injuries.

If they scare me, then I’ll work on myself forever trying to make it so I can be resilient, amazing, tough, brilliant, successful and a master of them all!

And…..dare I say it…..Rule The World!

(Little joke. My former husband who is hilarious says it with a British accent, which you should probably try, too, wringing your hands together like a mad scientist).

Isn’t that the ultimate goal, even if you have wonderful, favorable, morally beautiful goals like “enlightenment”……..you’re trying to get yourself to be different, better, more improved, beyond human?It’s gonna hurt.

Why?

Because you ARE HUMAN if you’re reading this. At least I’m pretty sure you are in the way I mean it.

And what is a human?

An incredible, genius life-force of powerful creative, spacious, aware energy turned “on” for “x” amount of years on this planet by something we-know-not-what but we call it Source, God, Universe, Reality, Life, Mystery.What else is human?

Making really goofy mistakes, having big emotions and crying, feeling fear, learning about people, wailing and suffering, doing dingy things, loving, forgetting stuff, dying, believing thoughts, hurting other people, sleeping, waking up, going to war, illness, going on adventures, feeling joy, grabbing, breaking apart, sharing, coming home.In the midst of all this….a most incredible mind built for inquiring into meaning, built for wondering.

A mind somehow here to help us feel what it’s like when we let all parts of humanness dance, dance and dance.A mind capable of identifying and questioning fearful thoughts, and unraveling their power, one questioned thought at a time.

“Truth is not lacking or held in abeyance for some later date; it is given in full measure, and abundantly so. Do not be afraid of what appears to be chaos or dissolution–embrace the full measure of your life at any cost. Bare your heart to the Unknown and never look back. What you are stands content, invisible, and everlasting. All means have been provided for our endless folly to split open into eternal delight.” ~ Adyashanti

If you’d like to join the amazing inner adventure of personal inquiry practice, Year of Inquiry early bird closes Friday, and our first group telecall is Tuesday, September 8th.

The curriculum? Your life. All the most common topics we humans tend to experience as painful. You know what stresses you out. This is the scaffolding that allows you to question it. Read all about it here.

Much love,Grace

August 15, 2016

Eating Peace: when you feel like a victim….you want to eat. Here’s the antidote.

When you think you’re a victim of someone else, or life circumstances, or a difficult situation….

….you’re guaranteed to feel uncertain, fearful and like a VICTIM.

Oh no.

Then we also feel bad about being a victim (and then you’re a victim of your own judgment towards yourself on top of it).

The best way to address the feeling of smallness, powerlessness, and being a victim of something or someone (including you) is to access your honest yes or no within, and practice saying it out loud.

No shame, no freaking out.

Sometimes, it’s called “assertiveness” but really this means you are telling the truth, and allowing it to be known.

It may not be as difficult as you think.

And when you do….it’s soooooooo worth it. You’ll stop wanting to eat.

August 14, 2016

The one thought that leads to all suffering

Yesterday was a glorious summer afternoon in Seattle. The rare days of deep blue sky, bright sun, a light breeze singing in the wind chimes, and the most perfect temperature imaginable.

It may have possibly been the first Sunday like it all summer, here in the Pacific Northwest, where mild temperatures and overcast skies are much more the norm.

Of course, as I gathered my clipboards, set out the cup of pens, moved the chairs into place in a circle, put all the dishes in the dishwasher in the kitchen, and cleaned the bathroom….

….part of me thought, “I wonder if anyone would show up today at the meetup to do The Work?”

cellphoneanger — Oh no! I’m believing my thoughts as I read this text!

Only three people came.

But oh what fun, looking into the mind, our stressful thoughts, and taking them through the four questions.

It didn’t matter if there had been only one person showing up.

Something is precious about companions traveling along with us.

Not just precious….but practically, for me, for years….

a requirement.

Without other people, I would not sit and do The Work for two hours like we did yesterday.

Left on my own, it is just as possible yesterday that I might have gone bicycling, done laundry, gone online to look at more venues for upcoming retreat options, made airline reservations necessary for September, gone grocery shopping, read while lounging on the front porch, or put clean clothes away.

Instead, I got to sit thoughtfully, quietly, and consider a painful situation….

….when I believed someone I cared about didn’t appreciate me.

I love this simple question to enter The Work and the discovery of a situation you might have found disturbing: “When in your life has someone NOT appreciated you?”

Byron Katie has a wonderful invitation for us all, which is to watch what happens we perceive we’re not loved, approved of, or appreciated in a situation.

She calls it LAA (Love, Approval, Appreciation).

Now….here’s the funny thing about this simple awareness of not being appreciated (or loved, or approved of, or acknowledged, or accepted—you get the idea, use whatever word makes the most sense for you)….

….I notice any time I’ve ever, ever been upset about anything, it’s because of the perceived absence of LAA.

Yeah, seriously.

And yeah, that simple.

My friend ditched me because of something I didn’t even do, or say? She didn’t really love me. My sister never answered my texts? She doesn’t really appreciate me. My grandpa was too bossy, controlling, and acted like a dictator? He didn’t approve of me. My partner left me? He didn’t really love me. My friend demanded too much time and attention from me and didn’t take no for an answer? He didn’t appreciate me and my life circumstances. I lost all my money? God doesn’t appreciate me, my ancestors didn’t appreciate me (no inheritance), my partner didn’t appreciate me. I lost my job? My boss didn’t approve of me.

Every time. Every stressful experience, someone (including God/Source/Universe/Reality) doesn’t appreciate, love or approve of ME.

Kind of funny, right?

What this ends up meaning about The Work is that as I identify situations that disturb me, or create anxiety, fear, anger, irritation….

….I am questioning the belief, in these situations, that I am not truly loved (or the other words that can be substituted for love in all the variations we describe it).

So right now, think of someone who you think isn’t really loving you, or approving of you, or appreciating you.

See them in your mind doing that thing they did, or saying those words to you, or ignoring you, and it feels painful.

They don’t appreciate who you really are. They don’t appreciate the real you. They don’t love you. They don’t care about you. They don’t approve.

Is it true?

In my mind, I’m reading a text, and it says “I am done”. This refers to the relationship I have with someone. It stabs me in the gut. I feel sad, then angry, all in the flash of one second.

It’s true!

She doesn’t appreciate me at all!

What a *$%&@$*!

(See how fast that happens? It’s called not actually answering the question, which isn’t then doing The Work).

Back to the question. Right.

Can I absolutely know it’s true she doesn’t appreciate me?

I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU’RE ASKING ME THIS QUESTION—DID YOU READ THE TEXT I RECEIVED FROM HER? Here….let me read it to you….you’ll be on my side then….you’ll see what I have to deal with.

Oh. Wait.

That would be going into justification, explaining, telling a nice big fat juicy story that proves I’m right about this, and she really, really doesn’t appreciate me.

Rats.

Just answer the question.

Deep breath.

Can I absolutely know this text means she doesn’t love me?

No.

I really can’t know it’s absolutely true. In fact, I know she does.

How do I react when I believe she doesn’t appreciate me, and I’m reading the words “I am done” and it feels like I’m getting cut off and slammed and dismissed and other words in the text seem to globally say the entire relationship is screwed and always has been?

Yikes.

Rage.

I want to be sarcastic back in a reply text. I feel very, very hurt underneath the anger. I’m taking it so personally. I feel constricted and contracted around those words I’m reading. In my mind I treat her like she’s wrong, and I’m right.

So who would I be without this belief she doesn’t appreciate me?

Wow.

I’d be reading the words of a very hurt person, who doesn’t know what else to do or say, who feels…..unappreciated. Someone who’s tired and angry.

I’d read the actual words which say not “I am done” with this whole entire relationship for the rest of life as we know it….but “I am done” with this particular format and way of relating. She’s simply saying “no” to what’s been proposed.

Without the belief “she doesn’t appreciate me” I also notice this is not all about me (haha). I’m simply looking. I’m observing someone really, really, really upset.

I have a lot of compassion for upset.

(And to be entirely honest….I’m not actually observing anyone in reality. I see a text, with words, on my phone, and I am IMAGINING her yelling at me and fuming in anger and wanting to hurt me….I don’t see anyone in the room with me. I am reading a text, for God sakes. That’s it.)

Without the belief she doesn’t appreciate me….I look around the beautiful room I sit in, with my phone and this text on it. I see white shades on a big pretty window with sparkles of sun coming through in slit shapes, I hear voices of people walking by, I feel the chair supporting this body, and see red toe nails in black flip flops.

Turning the belief around: I don’t appreciate her, she DOES appreciate me, I don’t appreciate myself.

In this exact moment, reading the text with her words “I am done”how could these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?

I don’t appreciate her: Yes, I’m immediately judging her as immature, bratty, closed and so mean. I rip her to shreds in my head and see images of her making mistakes, or lying. I don’t see the wisdom in maybe taking a break and a sabbatical for awhile. Sabbaticals can be really good. They were invented for a reason.

She does appreciate me: She’s communicating with me in this very text, she’s saying “no” and telling the honest truth for herself, she’s not coming over and yelling at me, she’s leaving me alone–pretty low key really. No sound was uttered, only words sent electronically. I do find it gentle, now that I think about it. She didn’t ever say she was done for all time and hated me, or actually anything about me not being worthy of her appreciation. She only said she didn’t like the way things played out and she didn’t feel any hope for it unfolding in a new way. She could be right.

I don’t appreciate myself: I’m thinking if it doesn’t go the way I want, I’m doomed or I have no family and no love at all. I’m not aware of my own resilience, inner silence, joy and capacity to care for me. I’m not aware of my freedom in the moment, even if someone says “I’m done” to discover happiness. I’m seeing myself as quite small, and dependent on getting “nice” texts not ones that look like this.

Holy Moly.

I can’t believe how much I wasn’t appreciating myself by all I assumed so quickly in less than 30 seconds, when reading a text. My whole day changed by a few sentences in writing.

And this realization could happen because people came over to do The Work with me.

Once again, there is nothing like community and connection to allow The Work to sink in like a collective prayer, a group intention, an expression of desire to share, join, receive.

Thank you to everyone who has ever shown up to share in this incredible adventure with me. I could never do it without you. And that includes the text-er, the one who supposedly didn’t appreciate me.

“You can see that when you believe the thought, there is an uneasy feeling, a disturbance that can range from mild discomfort to fear or panic. Since you may have realized from Question 1 that the thought isn’t even true for you, you’re looking at the power of a lie. Your nature is truth, and when you oppose it, you don’t feel like yourself. Stress never feels as natural as peace does…..

….You can’t push yourself away from God; that’s not a possibility. You can only push yourself away from the awareness of God within you, for a while.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace

P.S. The best way in the world to devote time to do The Work in your life is by joining community and making time to practice it. One of the best ways I know to do this is in Year of Inquiry. Sign up now during early bird registration through August 19th, five more days, and save a huge $500. Group therapy, guided facilitation sessions, support groups in specific modalities, training programs….all range from $400 per month, to $15,000 per year. Nothing is as inexpensive as this Year of Inquiry for how much time we share in self-realization and personal development.