Lead yourself to peace (+Seattle group starts soon)

bonnechereriver
peace like a river: letting the four questions lead you… (like my Bonnechere River view in northern Ontario last week)

This morning 7:45 am Pacific Time, join from anywhere in the world for 75 minutes of The Work of Byron Katie. Use your phone or computer to connect. To join me, click here.

There’s nothing like doing The Work with other people, whether it’s one person, or a group, or an auditorium.

Long ago, when I went to the 9 day school for The Work (March 2005) I was a little startled at all the people milling about and entering the huge hotel conference room.

We were handed beautiful red roses, one for every person, a bag with a notebook and materials inside, a name tag that went around our necks, and ushered into a huge room filled with chairs.

Part of me also thought….oh good. There are so many people here, I won’t ever have to actually talk. I am definitely NOT taking the microphone.

I sat near the back.

Each day, I slowly moved forward in the seats until around Day 5 I sat in the very front row, in direct view of Byron Katie and the front stage and all that might occur in the front of the room.

Just this move was a big deal for me, I was so shy.

Many brave people asked questions, and I would think “I don’t have the guts to raise my hand and speak up….and I have no questions anyway.”

This didn’t last….I later raised my hand at another event, and shared, and read my worksheet out loud to the entire audience, and even did The Work on stage with Katie. But at that first school, I was super quiet.

I still learned a ton.

I learned so much, even without sharing, that my mind was literally blown open and I left a changed human being, from that point forward, never to go back to all my old ways of thinking. I also left grateful for every single person who spoke up, stood up, told the truth, asked questions, and did The Work with Katie out in the open, whether they were afraid, or not.

The power of other peoples’ work, and their sharing and raised hands, has made all the difference in my life. It kept me moving forward when my head was completely foggy and I had no idea where to go next with my own work.

Listening is deeply transformative.

And it sure is different than sitting in your own same-old thoughts you don’t seem to break away from or question when you’re on your own. I had such a hard time doing The Work in my own brain, and connecting with others sank it in deeper every time, without fail.

In just a few weeks, the Sunday monthly deep-divers group is beginning again, like last year. This is a three hour group, like a little mini retreat once a month, for people who want to dive deeply into the group and connect with others for support.

We’ll be focusing on living turnarounds. That is, making shifts and changes and wondering about what it really looks like to be without our stressful thoughts, one thought at a time. We’ll be taking what we find in The Work, and bringing it into action in our lives.

People can attend the Sunday Deep Divers group one at a time, or you can sign up for all 9 months all at once. This is a closed group, not a drop-in group, but it’s totally OK if you see you can’t attend them all (please let me know which ones you can).

Please see the exact dates of our groups and read about it here.

We had a brilliant time last year, such a sweet way to connect, get to know others, and stay in The Work….and on a Sunday afternoon, how cool is that? (Not a week day evening).

People come from fairly far to attend, and this group is limited to 14 participants. I’ll offer guidance for people to facilitate one another in between sessions (you can sign up for every time we meet) and you can be assigned a partner every month, or opt-out, based on what works in your schedule.

You can do The Work on what comes between you and a peaceful life. We’ll do some great exercises in inquiry, and learn and grow together. All materials and handouts are supplied.

If you register for the entire Deep Divers program, you get a significant discount, the equivalent of missing two sessions for no charge.

The commitment to every session is not required, you can check your calendar and see which groups you can’t make, and then pay per session ($65). However, if you are not available to register for the full program of 9 months, please let me know by hitting “reply” and I’ll put you on the list for those only able to attend on a part-time basis. I’ll be filling spots with people wanting the whole kit and kaboodle first.

The whole program is $450 for the year, through June 11, 2017.

Can’t wait to see you….our first group is Sunday, October 23rd 3-6 pm, and everyone is welcome, whether you’re a beginner or experienced and everything in between.

Check the dates here and I look forward to serving everyone who comes in this powerful process called questioning your painful thinking, and changing our lives.

“After my life changed in 1986, I spent a lot of time in the desert near my home, just listening to myself. Stories arose inside me that had been troubling mankind forever. Sooner or later, I witnessed every concept, it seemed, and I discovered that even though I was alone in the desert, the whole world was with me. And it sounded like this: ‘I want,’ ‘I need,’ ‘they should,’ ‘they shouldn’t,’ ‘I’m angry because,’ ‘I’m sad,’ ‘I’ll never,’ ‘I don’t want to.’ These phrases, which repeated themselves over and over in my mind, became the basis for the Judge Your Neighbor Worksheet…..You’ll put each written statement, one by one, up against the four questions and let each of them lead you to the truth.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Local Year of Inquiry members attend for no extra fee.

Eating Peace: the direct tie between NOT saying no….and eating

We all know it’s preferable to be assertive and say what you mean, and mean what you say….

….but for some of us, it was pretty scary to say “no” all the way back to childhood.

But here’s the good news: you’re grown up now.

You can rehearse and practice saying no to other people, and watch with amazement how it affects your relationship to eating and food.

When you learn to say “no”, you stop overeating. Really.

 

He wants me to say “yes” but I feel a “no”

whiny
If someone praises you and really, really wants your attention or help, how do you say “no”? First…The Work. Then….say “no”.

Have you ever noticed that praise sometimes gets you into hot water?

As in, you just get this weird feeling there’s a catch, or you feel uncomfortable because it’s too much?

We all know criticism, aimed at us, feels bad (until you inquire) but what about praise?

Have you ever had someone want to follow you home like a puppy, or call you too often, or take you out on dates too much, or go kind of over the top with their “demands” for your time and attention

Heh heh, notice how I used the word “demands”.

Might be something to question here, right?

In Year of Inquiry Monday morning we started our second month topic: Family of Origin.

As I looked at praise in my first couple of years doing The Work, some powerful revelations came to the surface that led all the way back to FOO (short for family of origin, isn’t it perfect?)

But I didn’t really know, when I first started looking at “praise” that it was so stressful.

At the beginning of every month in Year of Inquiry, we start off with an Introduction Session. This is brand new to any previous year of inquiry groups. Time for Q & A, exercises to help understand and work with the topic, and suggestions for HOW to get into the topic at hand.

And family of origin (FOO), as you certainly know, is a big one.

Which is why I go there early, in month two.

One exercise I offered everyone in YOI is something that worked well for me. Somewhere along the way I noticed I had the same repeating Top Ten Hits over and over when it came to highly charged stressful beliefs.

To be honest, it was more like the Top Three stressful beliefs: I am abandoned, I am unloved, I am starving.

Now, this doesn’t mean I was starving for food, literally (although I ate like this was the case—major clue).

But these thoughts followed me, ready to be riled up or triggered or churned up at a moment’s notice. And that last one, the one where I felt like I was starving, was a tricky little devil for seeking and needing and wanting and craving love.

Praise was like an elixir, like a drug. Give me more. Oh, that person likes me? I shall now follow them everywhere.

I know, yikes. Bummer. Can’t praise be OK? Compliments, someone saying “yes”, I want you, I love you? Can’t those be good things?

Well of course they can be beautiful and supportive words and actions from someone else towards you, but sometimes….

….not so much.

I’ve had a couple of those kinds of relationships, not just potential love relationships, but also friendship without any sexual expectation or attraction whatsoever, and yet still a grabby, hopeful, I-need-you type feeling.

Sometimes, someone even writes to me with some of this energy. It goes with the territory of working with people on their pain and suffering. And it’s OK, because I’ve been doing my work on this. I feel the compassion of how I felt the very same way, and followed the same track of desperation (and then hid it for fear of being too much). I get these people who have tons of questions and want to connect and converse and bond. With inquiry, and having my business itself be to assist the process of feeling desperate, it’s not a problem. I am compensated for my time. I even love answering their emails.

But the other day, an old friend I don’t have much contact with left me a voice message with the words “I needed a friend” and the implication that I wasn’t there for him, being a friend.

Which was true. I wasn’t “there”.

Part of me didn’t like the tone.

You should have heard the chatter start up in my mind, like a forest of disturbed monkeys, as I re-listened to the voice message.

Is he implying I’m not a GOOD friend? I think he is!

He shouldn’t make me feel guilty about not wanting a close, sharing, on-going relationship. He’s soooooo needy! What a clinger. He has plenty of amazing friends and a massive support system to be held up by, why does he need to….

Oh.

Right.

Who started this internal dialogue and fearful war within?

Um. Yeah. I raise my hand.

All that person did was leave a message, expressing himself.

Since we’re in the FOO month of Year Of Inquiry, I became aware of the presence of my father, standing behind the message. The tone, the voice, the hoped-for response, the dilemma, the praise given and therefore an expected return.

He’s sad. My father is sad. He’s in need of love. My father is in need of love. He’s depressed. My father is depressed. He’s going to be upset unless I say “yes”. My father is going to be upset unless I say “yes”.

I should call, this person needs help, I am the one who gives support, my love is requested, my support is desirable….therefore, I must give it.

Otherwise….what? What’s the worst that could happen?

I see the person showing up at my house, in need. I see them needing endless support. I see them believing a good friend is someone who listens….for hours, at the expense of their own time.

A friend is someone who doesn’t say “no”.

Suddenly I also see another family member in my mind’s eye, only a few years ago. “You are family” she is saying. “I would do anything, for any of you, any time. I would give you the shirt off my back. You are the people I’m closest to. Ask me for help, I’m always here.” Tears are running down her cheeks with the emotional feeling she’s expressing of love and care for family.

And then, someone in the family did something, said something, and this very same person is not speaking to the entire family. She is not reachable, she shows up at zero family events, and she’s been vicious and angry with her words.

So much hurt, so much pain and agony.

THAT is the worst that could happen, I realize. (See #1 Top Three Stressful Beliefs Above).

When you don’t do what they need, in the name of love, you arebanished.

Banishment leads to starvation, which leads to grabbing and gorging, which leads to banishment. Oh lord, the pendulum swings so far out of the middle, your head gets whacked back and forth.

So let’s look at this unusual place of too much praise, in the other person, and thoughts about needing to rescue, or respond, or say “yes”….and if it’s really true!

He needs my attention, kindness, and love. We have to talk if he wants to talk, and spend time together. I need to say “yes” to make him happy.

Is that true?

Woah.

It’s not.

I can feel love, joy, appreciation for someone I really honestly care deeply about, and not be hanging out with them, or communicating with them, or living with them, or supplying them with help.

I can say no to any of that.

How do I react when I believe the thought he needs my love, attention, kindness? When I believe I need to say “yes” to make him happy?

OMG, it’s sooooo stressful.

Hand-wringing. Compromising. Pretending. Smiling when I don’t feel like it. Making excuses. Acting nice when I don’t feel so nice.

Ugh.

Who would I be without this story that this other person needs me, or would be so happy if I gave attention, or love, or approval?

So free.

Free to come and go, say “yes” and say “no” in the way that’s TRULY honest and natural.

Without the belief, I trust myself and I trust reality….I feel the “no” or the “yes” and I honor it, instead of debating it or fearing it.

Turning the thoughts around: He does not need my attention, kindness, or love. I need my own attention, kindness and love. I need his attention, kindness and love. 

We do not have to talk if he wants to talk, or spend time together. I need to say “no” to make him happy. I need to say “yes” to myself to be happy.

Yes, I need to follow my own inner movement. I can say “yes” and then change my mind. I can say “no” right from the start. I can say whatever the words are that respond to what I feel honestly, without mincing them or changing them all around or making them light so they land well (and wind up confusing).

He doesn’t need anything from me. He is self-sufficient, gentle by nature, and sorting out his life (this fits for my dad, it fits for my friend). He doesn’t need me to say “yes” in order to be happy! He has happy times, and busy times, and a whole entire life without me.

It’s more efficient, even, if I say “no” when I mean it. For everyone involved.

And wow….I haven’t realized how much I love the praise at being an attentive, kind, caring, wise person. I needed my dad’s approval. My friend’s approval.

Yikes.

What if I needed their DIS-approval, when I say “no” after they asked for my time and attention?

With their disapproval, rather than praise, I might see how I stick with my “no” even if they don’t like it. I might not do love-hate flip-flops like the family member I mentioned who loves then hates everyone.

If I’m disapproved of, rather than praised, I might remain very steady, open and available. I would do The Work. I could keep sharing and communicating. I would not feel the need to force any firmness, but just feel willing and kind. I remember what it’s like to disapprove of someone if they don’t praise me or say “yes” to me.

I could trust myself to be with that other person, freely. And they could trust me to be a truth-teller.

“When they attack you and you notice that you love them with all your heart, your Work is done.” ~ Byron Katie

When they praise you and you notice that you love them (and love yourself) with all your heart, your Work is done.

Much love,

Grace

you need opposites….to fly

goodbye1
goodbye and hello you must have two wings to fly

As always, a little shuffling goes on in September for the Year of Inquiry program that just began. One person joined last week, one decided to leave, one switched to Eating Peace two weeks ago.

I suddenly realized something, with some of the thoughts in my brain about shuffling, in and out, joining and departing: I’m feeling unhappy about the instability, the lack of guarantee, the comings and goings….namely the “goings” part.

Again. Oh jeez.

I know that may sound like….well, of course. This is something to be unhappy about if someone withdraws, leaves or goes.

But it also sounded to me like the echoes of a belief I’ve questioned before about people leaving in general, and I thought “oh brother, here we go again.”

I need to know who’s in and who’s out. I need to know when, how, and where.

Temporariness is hard to live with, it seems, to my human mind.

But is it? Is this actually true?

The most gigantic temporariness I ever realized was under the spell of something to be feared, worried about, horrified with….

….was Endings.

In the form of death especially.

A huge Nooooooo shouted up at the sky for the “ending” of something. Over. Finished. Done. Wail!

This doesn’t have to be about the Big One (death). It can be about a relationship break-up, a job ending, the family home being sold, divorce, the end of a vacation, or like I mentioned the whispering sadness of a lovely person dropping a course.

Goodbyes are hard.

Is that true?

How do you feel, speak, react when you believe goodbyes are difficult, or unbearable, or an emergency, or must be stopped?

I’ve worked with so many people on this topic.

Huge inner stress.

This past week, I’ve been in northern Ontario province of Canada with a brilliant group of learners all gathering to talk about and inquire into wisdom, death and dying, connection, temporariness, life and living.

One topic brought forth was the act of saying goodbye.

Here comes the voice, the thought…I can’t stand goodbyes. I don’t like parting ways. I don’t want this to end. This shouldn’t be this way. I need it to keep going, and never stop.

Is this actually true?

Because, I notice, reality has goodbye and hello and goodbye and hello over and over again. Constantly.

Which means even if someone has not left, they might. So even worrying about something departing later, in the future, becomes frightening, and how I react….when I continue to believe that departures are bad.

I clutch. I grab.

I often looked at money this way. It needs to stay, and grow, and never say goodbye.

Is it even true that you need to keep the thing you’re worried about diminishing later?

You don’t have enough love (when this person leaves your life). Is that true?

You don’t have enough money, energy, support. True?

You don’t have enough clients, work, people in your retreat.

Is this actually true?

No. I find over and over again…..no, not true.

Perhaps very drilled into our bones, though. Such a common stress. I’ve experienced it time and again. I’ll look at so many little things like it isn’t enough, compared to “that” over there. I need to keep this, I need more, I need to take, I need to be connected, I need to have.

And I notice, when I think my empty nest house right now is not as good as the full house with a “complete” family in it, I suffer.

But can you really be sure goodbyes are sad, or bad, or to be avoided? Are you positive you don’t have enough people around, or love, or support? (Even if you’re sitting in a room by yourself)?

No.

How do you react when you believe “Goodbyes are bad!” (In my case, I’m thinking about people withdrawing from something I’m offering).

Woah is me. Pity party. I quit. Cancel everything. I can’t do it right. Why continue to bother.

Now….who would you be without this story?

Without any thought at all that what’s happening isn’t enough right now, that it’s off, that more would be better, or it was better before these changes? Without the belief that goodbyes are hard, or intolerable, or to be avoided?

I would be so much more clear. More present, more aware, more alive. More feeling full of the heart-break of departure and the joy of reunion, but somehow trusting it all and knowing it’s not up to me, and I can make a clean “goodbye”, or hear one, without regret. With trust.

I might even be laughing, without the thought that goodbyes are bad.

Without the belief in Bad Goodbye’s Good Hello’s I would notice the tide going in and out, and the emptiness of any moment, also full, in this world of both/two/duality/multitudes.

Maybe even laughing and then crying, almost at the same time, and allowing even this to be as it is.

Without the belief that goodbyes are ultimately bad, I’m aware of the equal and opposite advantages for any given moment, I become excited. Turnarounds are so thrilling and wild to try on!

This goodbye is not hard. I like this goodbye. I like this hello into something new that doesn’t involve the same format as before. This is NOT goodbye.

I love parting ways….with my old outdated thinking and stories. I want this to end. This should be this way. I need this to happen, just the way it is.

With the story of Not Enough-ness or “OH NO!”….

….I’m taking in information about what is, and maybe I make adjustments and changes not only to this moment as I inquire, but also to my program(s). Something new is created. I feel the “hello” along with the “goodbye”.

Without this story of being against What Is, I learn to move with the flow, and the sheer joy of this life not being mine.

This is not “mine”. Departures or communions, both not guaranteed to go as I think they should. Both not “mine”. Both definitely happening. Both in the hands of something that knows more than I do.

“Your hand opens and closes, opens and closes. If it were always a fist or always stretched open, you would be paralyzed. Your deepest presence is in every small contracting and expanding, the two as beautifully balanced and coordinated as birds’ wings. God turns you from one feeling to another and teaches by means of opposites so that you will have two wings to fly, not one.” ~ Rumi

Much love, Grace

P.S. Fall Retreat is sold out full, but there is a spot in Year of Inquiry. We have only just begun Month 2 out of 12. Write to me if you’re seriously interested. If you join YOI then we can squeeze you in to Fall Retreat, or you can join YOI for telesessions-only if you’re not able to attend retreats.

You do not have to be good.

depressionbrickwall
Are your thoughts about yourself creating a brick wall of suffering? Who would you be without your negative thoughts….about you?

This past weekend I had the privilege of being with a small group led by someone who has had first hand practice in The Work of Byron Katie for thirty years: Katie’s daughter, Roxann.

My favorite thing about her story and her insights was describing how she used to do The Work with her mom, and Katie would say “you can’t harm a human being and not feel the effects….and YOU are a human being.”

In other words, when we tell ourselves awful, nasty, vicious things, when we’re harsh with ourselves, when we do things we find dishonorable or out of our own integrity (even with no one else around)….

….we feel bad.

And it’s amazing how powerful the Self-Attack Voice can be.

I once heard Annie Lamott, the beautiful writer, call it radio station KFCK.

Something happens, you’re triggered, you turn on the radio, you find the channel, you tune in, and here comes a constant stream of “I hate you” language, followed immediately by “you suck” feelings.

Yikes. It really hurts.

And of course, what I always used to do with this voice constantly talking in the background (sometimes screaming), was to do everything possible to make up for my wrong-doing, to improve myself, to fix me, to become a better person, to eliminate the negative (and when this didn’t work….eat, or whatever escape mechanism of choice was available).

It’s a lot of work.

Instead, what if we invited that voice to come in for tea, and we questioned it instead, or had a more civilized conversation?

I know, I know….we’re inviting in a crazy screaming person, but what if they’ve been screaming because they’re trying to help, and we’ve been ignoring them?

This morning, I noticed when I woke up…..wait, what’s that sound?

I hear something in the other room. Do you hear it? Oh my….yup. It’s that radio station I just mentioned!

It’s saying: “You should have finished the outline yesterday, you’ll never get your project done. You have one day to finish laundry, have you packed yet for your trip tomorrow? No, I thought as much. Leaving things until last minute again. You didn’t read the whole book, either, the only homework required for the program. You try to do too much. You don’t do enough. You haven’t meditated recently. Why’d you buy organic jelly beans at the grocery store?”

So today, let’s slow down and be with this voice, directed to ourselves.

I like asking these questions, when it comes to this voice: What is this voice most afraid of? What’s it trying to ultimately accomplish? What’s it worried about? Why does it think you should follow it’s directions? What’s the worst that could happen, if you don’t?

I sit and consider the answer.

You can do this right now, if you want.

Pause.

What’s that voice really scared about?

I’m failing. I’m not good enough. I can’t ever do it right. I’m not worthy. I made a mistake. I am abandoned. It’s possible to be banished. I could die.

I notice this feeling is like a gut wrench right in the middle of my stomach. My chest feels like dust is stuck inside my lungs. My body feels tired. I feel nauseated. I feel like giving up.

I feel very, very sad.

And what if now, we asked some simple, yet deep, questions about this kind of voice, energy, judgment, conditioning?

Called The Work.

First question: Is it true that you are personally not good enough, unworthy, or need to be somewhere else? Are you sure you can’t feel love and joy for yourself, that you made a mistake?

No.

If you answer “yes” then be sure to ask the second question: Can you absolutely know this is true without a doubt, for all time?

No.

Even if you say “yes” keep going.

Next question: How do you react, what happens, when you believe you should have done it differently, you’ve got something “wrong” here, you’re unworthy of acceptance and kindness in this moment?

How do you react when the way you are….scares you?

I notice I feel small, tight, closed. I feel like a victim. I actually behave like a victim of my own KFCK radio station as it plays on.

A few weeks ago, someone in the brand new Year of Inquiry group wrote to me and said how overwhelmed she felt about beginning this work as a constant practice, because as she wrote her worksheets on other people, and turned everything around, it all came back to herself. She’s doing it wrong. She’s got the qualities of “badness” she’s seeing in others. She’s screwed up.

But as Byron Katie says “turnarounds should feel like a kiss, not a slap!”

These attack-thoughts, or outward-movement thoughts, are only there and alive because they’ve been passed along and it’s the way you learned.

A “Fear Based Religion” as Roxann said this weekend.

I’m believing in fear, I’m believing fear will “make” me snap out of it, pull it together, and shape up! I’m believing that fear will make me change, or wake up. I’m 100% positive I’m asleep.

I’m forgetting the power of love, acceptance, and open hands, not tight fists. For some weird reason, it seems easy to forget “love” as the power. We’re not familiar with this way. We didn’t learn it. We’re not sure we can trust it.

And yet.

Who would you be without your story you’ve done something wrong? Who would you be without the story you need to fix yourself, or wake up, or be any different, or shape up, or prevent terrible things from happening?

Who would you be right now in this moment, as you read these words and consider “being” without believing anything’s wrong with you whatsoever?

Again, it may be time to pause.

Feeling what it’s like to be without the thoughts that something’s missing, something’s wrong, something’s bad, something’s off…..about you.

Without believing your thoughts of self-condemnation….

….you may just have a good cry.

Turning these thoughts around: I’m succeeding. I’m good enough. I constantly doing it right. I’m worthy. There is no mistake. I am connected, I am love. It’s not possible to be banished. I am living.

 

All is well. I am safe. No mistake. No mistake. No mistake.

Turning it around: My thinking is failing, not good enough, constantly believing in wrongness, unworthy, making mistakes, believing in banishment, believing death is terrible and to be avoided.

And what if this is good news, that my THINKING can’t find answers, or fix everything, or correct all potential emergencies or problems, or make everything better?

That’s a lot to put on the energy of “thought”….right?

What if something else is here, besides all the frantic, chaotic, mean thinking? Simply being.

Simply being.

Who are we, without the story that we have to believe our thoughts?

I noticed, as I inquired this morning….silence.

Wild Geese by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Much love,

Grace

Do endings, loss and death mean…..it’s true?

Work With Grace
Who would you be without this sad, scary story?

Have you ever known someone close to you to become ill, get injured, or find out something devastating?

Yes, everyone’s had this kind of moment in life.

“Dad’s got cancer.”

I remember hearing these words from my mom.

A panic began to rise inside, instantly.

What does this mean? Wait…what? What kind? What happened? Why? What’s going to happen?

The mind is filled with pictures, imagination, possibilities, trying to grab information desperately.

A huge NO fills the body. No, I can’t take this. No, this can’t be happening. No.

When the “worst” thing happens, it’s shocking.

When my dad was receiving treatment for leukemia, which lasted about two years, he was sometimes very sick, sometimes better. He lived just about exactly the length of time they anticipated. The doctors knew so much about the disease, and trying all kinds of ways to make it go away. To fight it.

That was a long, long time ago in my life experience. I was in my twenties, living pretty close by to the big house I grew up in.

I didn’t have inquiry, but my mind had so many questions. Constant questions. Disturbed questions. Questions I had no answer for, couldn’t answer.

Many years later, when I discovered self-inquiry and The Work by reading Loving What Is, I thought….

….well, it’s good for feeling angry and upset with your neighbor (judge your neighbor, right?)….

….but I didn’t even imagine using The Work for situations of life and death.

But then, I was in a weekend workshop with Byron Katie, never having successfully “done” The Work after reading her book, and I recognized one of my greatest, deepest, terrifying, sad, frustrations in life was…..death.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized I had a very weird and troubled relationship with loss, change, things being temporary, endings.

The biggest ending of all being “death”. The biggest “neighbor” I wanted to judge was loss, death.

I had something, and now it’s gone. I have something, and I will lose it.

My health, my boyfriend, my wife, my kid, love, my life, my daughter, my house, my necklace, my guitar, my friend, my dad.

It was mine. I had it.

Now it’s lost. It’s gone. Or will be.

Forever.

This is hard for some people to think about. Well, I speak for myself.

It’s hard to look at these places that have been so painful. But oh so powerful for The Work.

Stay with me here, and let’s do it today.

As you see those things, places, times or people you lost….

Is it true you lost them?

Yes. All gone.

Are you absolutely sure? Do you know this in the most deep, absolute way?

Are you positive the energy, love, kindness is lost? Are you sure it’s gone, just because you can’t see it or touch it? Are you sure everything about it is completely 100% gone?

Do you need it to be present physically, in order to be happy?

Wow. No. Not really.

I should still have that person, that thing, that other situation.

Is this true?

Who would I be without these thoughts?

Who would I be without BELIEVING these thoughts?

I notice no thoughts hang around 24/7 without one single other thought coming in for a visit. There are seconds, moments, of other thoughts.

The day my father died, I am quite sure I drank water. I went to the bathroom.

Probably several times. I was capable of having that thought to get up and go. It appeared. I went. People brought food. I ate a little. I breathed. I spoke to my sisters and my mom. I stayed. I was there, holding my dad’s hand as he died.

Who would you be without the belief you lost her? You lost him? You lost it?

I’m not saying something profound didn’t happen. But I love how I like to write about my dad’s death, as I feel the tears sometimes still arise, “it was unbelievable.”

That’s what we say about profound moments, eyes-wide-open moments, present moments, astonishing moments.

Unbelievable.

Turning the thought around: I did not lose my father. I will never lose him.

I lost myself. I lost awareness.

I believed I couldn’t survive loss. I believed there was nothing here, remaining, with myself. I believed I had something, it was mine, and now it’s gone.

Who would you be without your story of losing?

“It’s your body–can you absolutely know that that’s true? That’s a very old concept. ‘This is mine. I say so’….It’s not yours. Just because you believe it doesn’t make it true. When you know that you’re not that, you can sit back and watch.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story 

Could this be also the case for my father? My house? My childhood? My earrings?

Not mine in the first place.

And not required for living, or loving, or happiness, I notice.

Today, can I find evidence for how I gained, how I received, how I lived….instead of the opposite customary sadness?

It doesn’t mean “trying” to be positive and fakey or plastic or thrilled about death or loss.

But I have discovered, with The Work, it’s miraculous to wonder who I would be without my stories of death and loss, and to find examples of joy, acceptance, receiving, kindness, even benefits for what has happened….

….and maybe even though I apparently lost….I also found.

Maybe all my thoughts about death and loss are….

….unbelievable.

Much love,

Grace

Are you playing the game “pass it on”?

fooretreatOld memories. Scenes from childhood. Flashes of color, sound, movements. Feelings.

We all have these kinds of memories. Even if you’re one of those folks who says “I can’t rememberanything from my childhood.”

You still might have pictures floating through your mind’s eye of mother, father, grandma, great grandfather, first grade classroom, best friend, doll house, TV show, sister, brother, cousin, chicken pox, Narnia, pet.

But it’s true, the mind can’t really remember exactly what happened, or even see it with crystal clarity.

How do we work with foggy old scenes and memories? And why would we want to in the first place?

Well….no one has to go back in time that far, especially if you just don’t have a clear picture anyway….

….but one thing I noticed while doing The Work for awhile was I got a feeling within when thinking about family, or places I lived, or the walk to school.

Sometimes very pleasant, sometimes nostalgic, sometimes….

….awful.

Now, we know with The Work, the first step is to identify a moment in time, a situation filed in the mind, where something happened that was unpleasant, uncomfortable, or really distressing.

This invitation isn’t new with The Work.

There’s wisdom in revealing, unearthing, seeing, looking directly at the things that frighten us. Humans have done it for decades, maybe centuries, as we’ve examined suffering, love, and peace, and life’s meaning. There’s even power in telling a story, and having it heard by others (especially without trying to solve it).

The awesome thing about The Work is….looking at the story in such a deep way, you’re able to question your assumptions.

Why is this so powerful?

Because sometimes, those assumptions are not true.

Yes, the event happened. Yes, those people said those mean words. Yes, it was so unbelievably difficult, your heart broke into a million pieces. Yes, you felt loss.

But THEN what happened?

What I noticed is, I’d make conclusions about the Whole of Life because of what my dad said, or how my mom acted.

I didn’t stop to question the truth-for-all-time.

Guess what happens when you assume that the way reality exists around you MEANS the WHOLE world is like this?

You suffer.

At least I sure did.

Wow, better be careful out there. You can hurt grown up men’s feelings really easily. Grown up men are kind, loving, sad and depressed. They seem really sweet when they wear wire-rimmed glasses and read lots of books. Tread lightly around men, though, they could easily be sad and needy.

Wow, better be careful out there. You can hurt grown up women’s feelings really easily. Grown up women are caring, involved, give orders, don’t take no for an answer, and have high and very intense standards. Make sure you pay attention to what they want, and give it to them. Otherwise, they’ll write you off, or get very angry.

Just a couple of examples.

It seemed like my mind could generalize like nobody’s business.

I was swimming in the influence of the people immediately around me, and then started having contact with others of course, and adding to the files of “What Life Contains”.

Without any questioning, you can go on being careful forever.

When I lived like that, I always had to find my little hidey hole, like a tiny crab, and put up a few walls around me so I was safe.

It was a lot of work.

It resulted in lots of anxiety if anything appeared in my reality that was unusual. It resulted in lots of running away from people who scared me, or not saying “no” or “yes” clearly to others or myself. It resulted in lots of compulsive behavior like overeating and isolating. It resulted in lots of trying to find answers for how to feel peaceful in life.

Now, don’t get me wrong.

The honest truth is there is no Always Peaceful All The Time on the human level for most of us. Right?

If a big loud bang happened right now, my eyes would suddenly jump from my laptop, I’d go open the front door and look outside, my heart might race, my mind would wonder what was going on?

If I was on the deck of the Titanic and it was going down, I’d probably be trying to find something to float on.

But who would I be without the belief that what I’ve experienced in this story of life….

….means “be careful” or “this is forever sad” or “I can’t get over it” or “death” or “all is lost permanently” or “this is the way it is and it’s horrible” or “Emergency!!!!!”?

Who would I be without my story, without the story of my history?
What if I went back to my old original founding stories, and imagined that whatever has happened, anything at all (but especially anything frightening), is not totally intolerable, or a warning of what is to be avoided, or what could be worse?
Who would I be without one thought from the past, just one thought at a time?
I notice it doesn’t mean I SHOULD be without any thoughts (this would be another interpretation or assumption that would be somewhat disappointing)….
….it just means I’m not entirely overrun by my mind, and “thinking”, and the sad or scary story I am so sure is true.
I’m free to Not Know.
What if what happened with the people around me when I was really little, with a mind gathering information and making comparisons, and filing Safety Rules….
….was not such a sad, terrible, difficult, horrible story?
What if I could turn it around, with this brilliant thinking mind, and use my imagination to see benefits, or support, or love, or silence, or that I’m still alive?
I have found questioning these ancient stories, some of them go back to ways of being that existed before my family. My mother’s parents, my father’s parents, and their parents before them….
….all kept saying “watch out” and “be careful” and “life is horrible”….
….”pass it on”.
What if I could stop passing it on, by questioning these stories?
It doesn’t have to be so big, either.
Just one thought at a time.
“No one told me there was a way out, short of death. I thought you had to die of this body to get out of this….Think about the torture your mind has been sometimes, and there’s no way out. These people who kill themselves, they have no other way of dealing with it. And for me, when I had no other way of dealing with it, it looked like an act of mercy…And I came to see through questioning my mind that there’s a whole other way out. So I really stayed with it, and I found my way out.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story
 
If you want to question your stories, especially about the past, we’ll be doing it in October right where I live and work in northeast Seattle in Goldilocks Cottage (named by my friends when I moved in).
 
It may be easier than you think.
Four days. Learn more about it here.
Much love,Grace

Eating Peace: Three to Seven…the one scale you need for eating freedom

You’ve probably heard of numbers, scales, measurements and weights when it comes to solutions for eating.

I had so many numbers in my head around eating, my body and food, it was totally overwhelming….and infuriating.

Ugh.

Who wanted another number that I had to pay attention to, and feel like a failure if I didn’t? Why couldn’t I find the natural ease I knew was my birthright, when it came to eating?

Well, here is my one scale that I loved learning about (the first version I ever encountered was from Geneen Roth, thank you for your inspiration, Geneen).

Yes, this scale has numbers in it. But it’s OK. It’s supportive, expansive, based on what reality truly is. It gave my mind something to do. My mind rather appreciates numbers and measuring things.

You can use this scale, this step, to slow down and consider, as you eat.

I also give you two easy thoughts of encouragement, to help you use the scale in a way that works for you.

Much love,

Grace

Relationships are hard.

hard
Is it relationships that are hard, or my thinking about them?

Someone in Year of Inquiry sent me a great question the other day:

How do I do The Work on my feeling that Relationships are Too Hard?

I just don’t want to even try, because….too hard.

She meant love relationships. Partners. Romance. Attraction.

It’s so interesting how the mind does this….It comes up with huge broad statements about All Love Relationships.

We all do it.

The thing is, I replied to her, you may not find much satisfaction or clarity or awareness if you simply question this general thought “relationships are too hard.”

There are a few steps, first, that make the work far more personal, deep and effective.

If you do this first step, you’ll get your personalized prescription for happiness (which is what you so long for in the first place).

Here’s the step, which I suggested:

First, write down, like you’re journaling just for yourself, why you think relationships are too hard. So hard, you’d prefer not to have one.

Where’s your proof?

What is your evidence for them being so very hard….so difficult, troubling, confusing that you’ve concluded (or a part of you has) it’s not worth the trouble?

Byron Katie asks this question…”where is your proof??!”

Stop being so general.

Notice what your own experience has been that tells you they’re hard, all these love relationships.

What’s so great is….a few hours later, this lovely inquirer replied back that she had done her first-step work.

She had a list of moments or situations in primary love relationships that appeared to be hard.

But mostly, her former marriage was the hardest of all.

That one.

That one was so hard, it seems it would be better to never have had it. Many bad memories, painful experiences, moments of feeling criticized, blamed, hurt, unappreciated. It was especially screwy when it came to money. And this was a huge big concern with other relationships.

The next step?

You can write in your journal again: Make a list of incidents, situations, communications in that previous marriage that were “hard”. If money is involved in your “hard” moments, then find situations where you’ve got proof.

Really hard. Horrible. The worst.

Now….you’ve actually got your real “proof” of truth….your proof of why relationships can be so hard. It’s specific. It’s crystal clear. it’s vivid.

Relationships are hard because “this” (see bad picture in your mind) happens.

This kind of looking helps you find the entry point for The Work of Byron Katie. You need a specific moment or situation. Now you’ve got one.

As you picture the one difficult exchange, incident, situation in your mind….you can write your Judge Your Neighbor worksheet without editing, without holding back anything.

The Judge Your Neighbor worksheet will be golden, as you write about these situations so full of suffering, sadness, difficulty, and your “proof” that relationships are hard.

I know it’s “hard” remembering these situations in the first place….

….but when you complete The Work from start all the way to finish….

….the hard becomes easier.

A flashlight gets shined on the darkest, murkiest, foggiest places and you see specifically, personally, what the truth really is for you in those situations.

And when you “see” there’s less suffering. And less.

It’s worth it.

Because only then, can Relationships become easy.

Which they are.

My “thinking” about relationships was the hard part.

“There’s only one thing harder than accepting this, and that is not accepting it.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

For help on any relationship, and going in for the real, deep work….come to Breitenbush Hotsprings in December for 3 days. Find out more right here.

Much love,Grace

Not Objecting to What Is with teenager, a laptop, and a queue the size of Montana

breakingfree
Life. A love story.

Ohhhh, yeah.

This is gonna be FANTASTIC, I have the BEST ideas.

I’m going to give my daughter a going-away present for college. Called my mac laptop airbook, the one I’m writing on right now.

Sure, it’s used. But it’s soooo amazing. It’s traveled with me without having one single weird or bad thing happen to it, oh trusted laptop, for 4 years. It’s got some good life left in it.

I need to upgrade so I can better support my classes and retreats. I need way more memory space on my machine. I’ve got curriculums designed, extensive feedback, photos to archive, and no one can find how to pay me on my website. Ever. Videos to make, podcasts to share. All created more easily on the new, faster-better laptop.

Win. Win.

I’m all excited. I tell her I’m going to do this, I can finally afford a device with more memory, and I’ll help her get all set up on mine.

She looks at me like….What??! Are you serious??!

“But mom, your computer will probably crash in one year. Macs are so junky, you have to upgrade them all the time. They only last five years! I don’t want that old thing, jeez!!”

Uhm. OK.

Not so Win Win as I thought.

This is not the first time, with this kid of mine, that I have it not only slightly off, but ENTIRELY WRONG.

However, I feel something inside and it’s different than the way I used to feel when she said things like this or surprised me with her reaction.

Calm.

Like, a shrug. Oh, OK. Got it.

I didn’t pursue it one more second. I’m not that surprised, I’m not hurt, I’m not having much of any reaction at all. (Every so often, wondering what she’s thinking about computers and if she needs one, then I forget about it).

A month goes by.

Daughter is leaving for college in 2 days. She approaches me as I sit on the couch writing.

“Mom….I don’t know what to do about a computer. I’m going to need one badly at college. I’m nervous.”

I look up and again, total calm–shocking. I say “remember I mentioned you could have this one?” I raise my laptop off my knees and tip my head.

“It’s all yours if you want it, I just need to get a replacement and figure out for sure if I can afford the upgrade.”

“Oh….I didn’t realize that’s what you meant before. Really??!!! That would be AWESOME.” She comes over and hugs me.

I have one day to go into the Apple Store and see what they’ve got, before she leaves for college, but I can’t tell you how different this pace and flow is from the past. The pace on the inside is total calm. The flow on the outside is just a relaxed ‘OK, we’ll see what happens’. No emergencies. No urgent wild freak-out. No saying she should have brought this up earlier, or figured it out weeks ago.

No saying “I TOLD you before and you were ungrateful, rude, and now it’s too late and rag, rag, rag….”

I just saw her cute eyes and her enthusiasm and her relief, and who knows what that was before, with the “junky macs” commentary. She didn’t even seem to remember it, and I didn’t require we go back there and review the “mistaken” communication in the past.

I’m just sayin’ here….there are results that I can find no other reason for happening than The Work.

I’ve sat with fuming feelings within around this daughter. I’ve felt hurt, and lost. I’ve felt confused, and shocked she doesn’t love exactly the same things as me. I’ve been mad she doesn’t vacuum before I have to ask. I’ve been startled at her forceful comments.

I’ve written a few worksheets.

I’ve imagined and felt what it would be like to Not Have The Belief she’s hurting me, she’s opposing me, she’s against me, she’s disrespecting me.

And now, I feel such gratitude for how much I love her and how wild and unexpected she is, like the weather, like reality….but always safe for me (I’ve never been hurt in her presence except by my own thoughts).

She’s been caring, challenging me. Like the ultimate “life” coach. She minces no words. She calls me on my B.S. especially when I expect people to like what I like.

TA: This is going just right.

I head down to the Apple store to check out the new goods, for myself, and get their help wiping my old laptop clean so my daughter can start fresh with her own stuff

Only….a small hitch.

There’s a line around the block of people waiting to get in to pick up their new Iphone 7.

For some reason….this is HILARIOUS.

I even go back 7 hours later and find….it’s even MORE crowded during early evening. They tell me no one can help me, too much hoopla over the Iphone thing. I’ll have to come check out new laptops another day.

I learn about ordering online, later, back at home.

Because I got to come back unexpectedly fast from the Apple Store, without anything new in my hands…..I got to see my former husband (father of my kids) bringing pizza over, talk to my son who stopped by for a couple of hours, help out with car-loading for the departure to college, and laugh.

Life is so funny.

This is strikingly different from what it used to be. When life was serious, irritating, gloomy and pointless.

Thank you, self-inquiry.

Thank you, “is it true?” question.

Thank you, imagination.

Keep going. Don’t stop doing The Work. This is definitely different, like a very, very, very slow dawning of the light. This is what being undisturbed is, on the inside. It’s OK if it leaves again (probably will) but oh what joy to get a taste of not objecting to what is.

Ha ha!

“Anyone in harmony with what is has no past to project as a future, so there’s nothing she expects. Whatever appears is always fresh, brilliant, surprising, obvious, and exactly what she needs. She sees that it’s a gift she has done nothing to deserve. She marvels at the way of it. She doesn’t make a distinction between sound and no sound, speaking of it or living it, seeing it or being it, touching it or feeling it touch her. She experiences it as constant lovemaking. Life is her own love story.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy 55

If you feel like practicing for four whole days next month, Thursday through Sunday October 13-16, then join the small group (maximum 14) Fall Retreat. We’re half way full. Seattle. Non-residential. Awesome. Come on over to my house. It will be good. Sign up here.

Much love,

Grace