Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Being Who You Are Is Enough

A few days ago in our teleclass “Money, Work and Business” we questioned the belief “I have to do what they say”. 

I pretty much believed this since about age five. With school, parents, authority. It is not an uncommon belief.

Even if it’s not that stressful, like you are clearly not being FORCED to do something, one participant still found the thought present as she believed she had to do what the experts say in order to become successful online.

Think about what you think you HAVE to do today in order to get what you want.

  • I have to pick up the repaired television
  • I have to write out my marketing plan
  • I have to work on my curriculum for the new workshop
  • I have to spend more time on Facebook
  • I have to schedule time for training/learning new things about business
  • I have to get more money
  • I have to call the dishwasher repair shop
  • I have to weed the dandelions out of my yard
  • I have to call that person back

I remember writing down the belief “I have to PUSH to be successful”. This could apply in so many areas: training for an athletic event, running your own business, talking to your kids about cleaning their rooms, talking to your kids about their homework, planning a wedding, getting a good deal, meditating every day to reach enlightenment, going to therapy, getting a degree, reading spiritual books, enrolling in programs to change your behavior.

The fourth question in The Work is “who would you be without the thought?” So who would I be without the thought that I HAVE to do it? Anything troubling you’d like to go over first?

Oh no! I might lie down on the grass outside in the sun, like a cat, and do NOTHING!! NADA!!  EVER!!!

I need to push myself because otherwise, I’m a no-good, lazy, do-nothing, rude, selfish, unorganized, unsuccessful bump on a log. Achieving nothing. A failure. And I’ll never get anywhere.

Are you sure?

If you were walking along a beautiful pathway, and you saw a person or an animal ahead lying on the ground with a broken leg….would you do nothing?

If you lay down on the couch and decided to stay there until you felt like getting up without the thought that you SHOULD get up….would you stay there forever?

If you noticed that you wanted something, like food, heat, rest, conversation, touch, laughter, money….are you sure that you have to push yourself to receive these things? Could you be OK with the wanting? Could you still be happy?

Maybe being yourself, your own amazing, unique, wonderful self, is all you need to do. No extra pushing required. Just noticing that you do things for the joy of it or because you naturally do it, without thinking.

As Katie says, “drop the maybe“.

Just the other day I received an email from a woman who has been a client for one-on-one sessions and also a participant in one of my teleclasses a year ago. She has been amazingly courageous and continued to question her beliefs about money and her business, and other difficulties in her life in the past.

This kind woman said in her email that she had now joined a group where she was giving 10% of her income to organizations or people who fed her spiritually.

She sent me a donation to continue my writings.

Tears welled up in me in gratitude. Once again, this is an example of the turnaround from when I first started that inquiry five years ago. “I do NOT need to push myself, I need to be easy and gentle with myself.”

“I had no idea that being your authentic self could make me as rich as I’ve become. If I had, I’d have done it a lot earlier.” ~ Oprah Winfrey

With love, Grace

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I Hate Not Knowing

Carl Jung said “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious. The latter procedure is disagreeable and therefore not popular.”

I like to tell the story that when I first bought Byron Katie’s book Loving What Is I kept it on my bedside table for about six months. Without opening it.

You mean I have to read it?!

In some ways, I already questioned absolutely EVERYTHING about life. Why do bad things happen? Why do good things happen? How come some people are super successful financially and others are not? What’s the deal with humanity…we all seem like such a mixture of love and hate, war and peace? Who am I anyway? What will it be like to die? Who or what is God? What is life for? And while we’re at it, where can I get some relief from all this thinking? Jeez!

If I took even one second and looked deeper than the surface with all these fast-moving questions, then I saw that I was NOT HAPPY with the fact that I didn’t know the answers.

My conclusion: it is NOT FUN to think about these big questions. They have no ultimate answer…and it all seems like a big mess of chaos. I used to say “it’s a cesspool here”.

Quick, where’s the fun? Let’s go THAT way! QUICK!!!!

Notice the “emergency” feeling to this energy. Fear is present. This was not “wow, what a fun looking place this earth is, let’s see what’s going on and find the fun!” It was more like “Get me outta here!” I came to know this cycle as “addiction”. Unfortunately, it also isn’t fun. Bummer.

I love the quote by Aldous Huxley “Ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you mad.”

Sooner or later, you HAVE to question your thinking….or not. But it will be much easier if you do. It will change all your stressful feelings. Your fear will dissolve.

I had a wonderful therapist once who described that the learning process for life lessons and awareness could be of varying “burn” levels. You could get sunburned, and learn to question your thinking afterward….or you could get a first degree burn, and work with that….or you could get a second, third, or fourth degree burn…and then really have to look and put aside all other interests, since there you are with a huge “burn”. Life will give you what you need.

The good news is that it really doesn’t have to “burn” physically at all. I notice that this is the case when I do The Work. I sit down with one concept, situation, experience that is painful….no matter what degree…and I look again and again at what is happening in my darkest thoughts. I get these terrible, nasty, mean, horror-movie thoughts out on paper.

Now after doing The Work for awhile, I notice a question like I had when I was a child (like I’m sure you have had as well) and I feel differently inside. It’s like my heart is excited and open to whatever is possible.

Why do bad things happen, or good things happen? Well, I’m not even sure which ones are “bad” or “good” anymore. I realize everyone is succeeding in just the right way, right on time. Humanity is a great, wild, beautiful, mysterious collective of war and peace, all of it possible, all of it changing and moving. Who knows?

Who am I? I mean really? What is life for? Who or what is God? What is death? Now I can ask these and not be frustrated. I used to be MAD and SCARED at these questions. Because the answer was “I don’t know!” and I didn’t like not knowing things! AND I’m pretty sure the answer is frightening.

What if today it was fine to not know what you are doing, who you are, and what your life is for. What if you didn’t think you were a failure or bad for yourself? What if it was OK to be peaceful right now?

What if you just notice what you feel drawn to do, what you feel compelled towards, what you notice you want? What if you are the most amazing, wise, wonderful friend you could ever have….to yourself?

“People mistakenly assume that their thinking is done by their head; it is actually done by the heart which first dictates the conclusion, then commands the head to provide the reasoning that will defend it”.~ Anthony De Mello

By unraveling the thinking behind painful feelings, you get to see yourself without those feelings. Who you really are….pure love.

With love, Grace

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Being Willing To Lose Everything

When I was separated from my former husband 7 years ago, I had a lot of “work” to do. The Work! I had so many terrifying thoughts rise out of me, I didn’t even know they had been there.

It was within that time of separation that not only was all my money leaving my bank account to pay for food and shelter, I also got a cancer tumor on my leg, and I lost my job.

Sometimes the panic would feel like I was stepping out of a space ship….into black, empty, endless space, miles from any human person, waiting for the oxygen tank to run out of batteries.

The strange thing is that with The Work, I could see that I was having a nightmarish hurricane of beliefs. Part of me could actually see that what I believed was effecting everything. Even though I felt terror, I knew there was another side to this story. I knew to do The Work, with no expectation of any outcome.

I knew it was possible to have all these things exist and STILL BE AT PEACE; cancer, job loss, money almost gone, losing my house, losing my possessions.

One of my greatest terrors was of having no money left, of losing my house. This was very possible.

I did The Work on being Sure it would Awful to lose everything, including my house.

I began to find evidence for how if this happened, it would not be all bad. I found genuine examples of how losing my house and money would bring beauty, adventure, love, connection. I saw how I did not need my house. I did not need money.

What I did not know yet, was that as I sat still and became willing to find examples of the turnarounds to my painful thinking, life would reveal the evidence of a friendly universe that was beyond friendly…that there would be turnarounds that were ones I couldn’t have imagined.

So there I was on a cold dark January and I saw my bank account had something like $16 dollars left. Enough for a few groceries today and putting a little gas into my gas tank. And I had a bill for the January mortgage to my house that said I owed $2,300 dollars on January 15th.

I had already borrowed money from my sister and used my credit card to pay the past three months of mortgage payments. I was going into debt now. I had visions of being on the Titanic. This was going down.

All I knew to do was The Work. And be genuine. Talk with people. Call people up. Speak up, continue to ask people about jobs they knew about, continue to tell people in my life the truth, and then let go with acceptance.

I really knew I would be safe. I really knew that if I started the foreclosure process, then I would be OK and I would move out into my mother’s house and then Something Else would happen. This was about loving myself. This was about experiencing peace and happiness…..no matter what.

On January 14th I went to my dance class, where I was trading my entrance fee for sweeping the floors and helping with clean up. I knew that dancing made me very happy, and being with community was joyful and loving. I knew to go, to put it simply.

At the end of the evening, someone said “We have something for Grace”. We gathered in our usual big circle to share and close the dance. I was presented with an envelope and took it, mystified. It was very close to my birthday, was this a gift?

I opened the envelope and saw bills and bills, $100s and $20s and $1s and $10s. There was enough money to pay my mortgage that was due the next day, and pay for my light and heat until the end of the month.

This was a donation to help me pay for another month of expenses, when I had nothing left.

My heart burst open and I cried and could not speak, and I saw this was a turnaround beyond any one I could have imagined.

“I can’t do it” had been my belief. I can’t get the money, I can’t make it with the expenses I have, I can’t manage to pay for my house, I am losing everything, I am starting foreclosure….

These thoughts had become “I don’t need to be the one to do it!” I can receive the money, I can make it (with or without a house or money), I can manage to pay for my house, I am not losing anything…

And now here was the most amazing example of a turnaround. My heart soared as I felt the gratitude and appreciation. I did my part, I did The Work, I looked at my own fears, and I let go, willing to lose my house and everything.

“You may be afraid to go deeper into The Work because you think that it’s going to cost you something valuable. My experience is the opposite: without a story, life only gets richer…..I’m free to walk in the world without fear….with arms and heart wide open.” ~ Byron Katie

With love and gratitude, Grace

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That Bad Stuff Is Actually Good

Boy howdy, I think I’M TOO TIRED!

Is it really true? Well, my eyes feel sandy, my mind is wandering, I like the idea of lying down in the sun and taking a snooze, I didn’t sleep well between 2 am and 6 am, or at least it seemed like I was tossing and turning and thinking, kind of like a twilight zone.

Too tired for what? It turns out I’m NOT too tired to sit here and type. I’m NOT too tired to be awake all day.

Once at a weekend workshop with Byron Katie on Relationships, I had a terrible time sleeping. In fact, after my first School for The Work, which was possibly the most profound workshop I had ever participated in in my life, I woke up every night at 3:00 am for almost a year.

My mind was so full of thoughts breaking apart that I had always believed as Absolutely True, that I was in a state of heightened awareness. It seemed my mind let itself rest for just a bit and then turned itself on again to start sorting things out, at 3:00 am when it was very quiet.

One thing that helped me was Katie’s words to sleepless participants “How do you know you’re supposed to be awake? You are.”

What could I do when I was awake? The Work. I could ask myself “what am I awake for?” and find out the answers, without getting frustrated that it would be better to be asleep.

Today in Our Wonderful Sexuality teleclass a participant brought to Inquiry a concept that seemed just an expression of a fact; “she can’t do that”.

Like the way a person with no arms can’t play tennis or row a boat. The way my father is no longer alive in a body. The way I am not a teenager now, or the way when I jump off a diving board, I fall into the water. These are simply true it seems.

These can be really fascinating to question all on their own…there are such interesting exceptions. But one place I love to go with questioning this kind of concept that seems true, but still stressful, is to look at the feeling I have behind it.

So the way the stressful belief goes on paper is “she can’t do that, and that is BAD”.

  • my father died and it is terrible
  • I got cancer, and it was horrifying
  • a dear friend of mine is in the hospital, and it’s depressing
  • all my money was gone, and it was excruciating
  • I fell and injured my knee, and it was painful
  • Everyone gets older, and it’s awful
  • My husband left me, and it was torture

Who would you be without the thought that any of these are really BAD?

I love asking myself, what is actually bad about this thing I’m calling bad? I mean, what is really bad about getting cancer, my father dying, getting divorced, hurting my knee, getting older, losing all my money, or knowing my friend is in the hospital?

We think that this thing is bad because with it (or without it) we will suffer, we will be unhappy. And we learned somewhere along the way that it’s bad, too.

If I don’t sleep now, I will be very unhappy later, I will suffer. No question, I’m positive, I don’t even think about finding what’s funny, good, entertaining, interesting about this sleepless state.

What if we turn it around? What if the very thing we think is bad is actually a good thing? How about entertaining that possibility? What could be an example?

I am not too tired, I got cancer and it was so good how many people helped me, I lost all my money and it was fabulous to realize I didn’t need it, I injured my knee and it was fascinating to see modern technology at work in the operating room, my husband left me and now I am the most independent, empowered woman I’ve ever been, my father died and I realize he is so in my heart I can still talk with him every day….

“The absolute truth is simple. There is no such thing as unhappiness. People have believed there was. You have been one of those people.”~Bruce Di Marsico

All those things I thought were the worst, they weren’t. Life keeps getting better and better, past, present and future.

With love, Grace

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You Are So Selfish!

If someone calls you “Selfish” it seems they don’t mean it well, and we don’t like hearing it. “Selfish” is not a good thing to be.

I remember the first time I was called “Selfish”. My mother said it to me.

I don’t remember what I was doing, or what I said, but I was overwhelmed with the thought that she just called me Selfish and this was very bad. I would do anything, it felt like, NOT to be that. I should have been thinking of her.

Jane Austen wrote “Selfishness must always be forgiven, you know, because there is no hope of a cure”.  

The dictionary defines “selfish” as lacking consideration for others, concerned chiefly with one’s own personal profit or pleasure.

The very definition has stressful underlying beliefs…we have to believe that being concerned with our own pleasure or profit actually makes us lack consideration for others. And that this is terrible, bad, wrong!

We also have to assume, if there is such a thing as being Selfish, that it is something you can just wind up being, by accident, unless you are diligent and you focus on other people. You need to watch yourself carefully, and keep yourself from doing things just for YOU, just because you like it. You need to think of others first.

Byron Katie wrote in one of her newsletters in 2009 this passage:

“Love is self-absorbed and leaves no room for any other. Love is the affect of self-consuming, the consumed. There’s not a molecule separate, outside of itself. In the apparent world of duality, it can be seen as a you and a me, but in reality there is only one. And even that isn’t true. I call it the last story, the one in the moment. The voice I love from within is what I’m married to. All marriage is a metaphor for that marriage.”

Katie has another saying that I’ve also heard elsewhere “You are the one you have been waiting for!” 

Once I was very angry with a good friend, a man I was dating. In my mind I had the thought “He is sooooo selfish!”

I knew what to do. Investigate my thinking. Because the very thought filled me with frustration, hate, rage and sleeplessness.

Who would I be without the thought that he was selfish? Watching a man who appeared anxious, demanding, watching someone yell out for what they wanted. There was passion! And fear, confusion, worry. He was believing lots of painful thoughts, he was trying hard, he was trying to find balance, he was afraid of suffering, afraid of not getting what he wanted.

The Turnaround is of course “He is not selfish”. How was this true?

He brought gifts to his mother, he invited me to do things with him, he was willing to trust me and other humans even though he was so afraid of them, he didn’t keep secrets, he spoke exactly what was on his mind (even if it was harsh or unpopular), he saw the value in questioning his thinking, he told jokes, he laughed, he could have one conversation for hours with me or someone else, he worked so he could earn a lot of money and pay his way, he paid for other peoples’ meals, he asked questions, he was completely transparent and real so that I could see where I wasn’t interested in him as a partner.

He was super generous, actually, in just being himself. I learned more from him than I had from many others throughout my life about honesty, feeling “criticized”, finding freedom in allowing others to be exactly as they are. He was so free!

What if we are here only to be ourselves? What if that is truly all we can do?

“To love is to be happy and do what you want, whatever you want. Be with. don’t be with. Smile; don’t smile. Be loving; don’t be loving. Give or say whatever you want; take or ask for whatever you want. Do you own thing. If the one you love gets unhappy, don’t believe you are not loving them enough for them to be happy. Their happiness does not depend on you. If you find you want them to be happy, it is because you want it; not because you must be a loving person to prove to them or you that you can love. You are loving if you are happy!” ~Bruce di Marsico

There is no danger in being selfish. Be who you are. You are Love. Your nature is peace, joy and happiness. Mothers say things at just the right moment for our awareness…and how amazing to question anything that hurts.

With love, Grace

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Going Crazy Is Enlightenment

As a counselor I have worked with some pretty extreme mental suffering in others. People who are what we all might consider a little crazy. They even consider themselves crazy.

Feeling so full of suffering that you feel crazy is tough, to put it mildly. Sometimes, people don’t make it out alive.

Nuts, bonkers, losing it, mad, whack-job, not all here, looney, round-the-bend!

And yet, I have noticed that in those moments of the most extreme pain within myself I felt pushed to an edge that demanded something.

Eckhart Tolle tells his story of sitting on a park bench, for several years, living in mental torture…and then one day the thought “I can’t live with myself”. Then another thought that there were two “minds” here. One that couldn’t be lived with, and the other that was noticing this.

Bang! There was a shift in his consciousness, and he never suffered as he previously had again. There was an observer there, he just hadn’t grasped the presence of this observer for long enough before.

Byron Katie has a similar story. Something happened after ten years of spiraling downward into the most terrible depression. And then a change, a huge change, but all within her own perception.

There is something amazing about this extreme edge. When we feel the most suffering, then we can’t ignore it, it is alive within us, the thoughts are SCREAMING!

I see this now as an incredibly good thing. An advantage. The natural way of it.

My uncle died of self-torture, and so did a dear friend of mine who I hadn’t spoken with for 15 years. They were both found in similar situations, their body shut down from alcohol poisoning. Their suffering went right to the limit, and then beyond…apparently.

I experienced this torture and very extreme behavior: starving myself, binge-eating huge quantities of food and then vomiting, running long distances, smoking cigarettes, drinking huge amounts of coffee, drinking alcohol to the point of blacking out, feeling suicidal, having anxiety and terror, fear of people hating me, thinking life is not worth living, that the earth is a terrible place, and that I can never be happy.

What if your strongest emotional experiences are what happens in Reality when you’re believing fearful, violence, abusive, painful and UNTRUE thoughts?

Maybe you’re about to experience a break-through! What if someone in this extreme mental suffering has the power to shift away from that forever, in a great and powerful way?

Joseph Campbell said “It is by going down into the abyss that we recover the treasures of life. Where you stumble, there lies your treasure.”  

Write out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and let it rip, being petty, babyish, abusive, judgmental, name-calling. Letting your pain spill itself out.

Let it be extreme. The more truly extreme, the better. This is that voice, that terrified part of the mind on paper.

Those who are not afraid to let this voice write itself down on paper can see the story, right there. In this extreme place, breaking out, breaking through, cracking open can happen.

“Express yourself completely, then keep quiet. Be like the forces of nature; when it blows, there is only wind; when it rains, there is only rain; when the clouds pass, the sun shines through.” –The Tao Te Ching #23

Doing The Work is meditation, it is quiet, silent. You watch as the Observer. Who knows what will happen, the shift might be like an earthquake…or a calm evening. Reality will bring you exactly what you need.

With love, Grace

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So Sad I Can’t Be Near That Person!

In the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven this morning a participant brought us this concept for inquiry: “I can’t be near them”. She was thinking about her parents who were far away.

But everyone in the class could find where they had the same thought. Someone close to them had died, someone was physically far away,  a child had left home, a relationship had ended or never really blossomed.

This concept is only stressful of course if we believe we should be near them, or we want desperately to be near them, or that we are unhappy when we are NOT near them.

We have to be SURE that it is better if we are near them, or that there’s something sad about not being near them. We would be callous or uncaring….or weird, if we just didn’t mind one way or the other whether they were near or not. If we didn’t have stress, discomfort, unhappiness about how far away they are…..jeez! What kind of person would be that way!?!

J. Krishnamurti, an Indian writer and speaker who had many people who loved to listen to him during his life (he lived 1895-1986) once said “Do you want to know what my secret is? You see, I don’t mind what happens”. 

When I began to do The Work, I had so many things that I minded. To put it mildly. Not only were there people I wanted to be near (my father had died fairly young and I had thought of it as tragic) but I also wanted a LOT of changes!

I had a list, if God wouldn’t mind listening for a moment or two….which it seemed He wasn’t interested in (I wanted to be near him and thought I wasn’t). I love Katie’s little saying “Who needs God when we have your opinion?” Good point! Perhaps there was a chance that I was wrong?

Then I began to realize the relief in being wrong about my painful thoughts. If the universe was friendly instead of dangerous, then what an amazing feeling I found inside of myself. I wasn’t always sure…I still am not always sure. But even Not being SURE that it’s dangerous is a huge leap away from “I am positive that this place is dangerous”.

Seng-Ts’an was a great Chinese Buddhist teacher during the third patriarch who wrote these words as a part of a great poem:

The Great Way isn’t difficult for those who are unattached to their preferences. Let go of longing and aversion, and everything will be perfectly clear…..if you want to realize the truth, don’t be for or against. 

This doesn’t mean to delete all your preferences. It is natural to have them. I like blue most of the time more than red. We want things, we prefer things, we have joyful desires. We notice we enjoy being near certain people in our lives, so we want to be near them more. This is the way of it.

The Work helps us loosen the attachment to these preferences, this idea that seems true.

What if everything you think about being near that person isn’t true? What if Now is also OK? What if you can still be happy anyway, all by yourself?

From this vantage point, you can see the Great Way.

Lots of love, Grace

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I WANT, Therefore I’m Bad

Is wanting something stressful? It sure seems like it sometimes. We have the thoughts “I want it”…..I want to eat (even though I’m not hungry), I want a boyfriend (and I’m single, no prospects), I want more money (my bank account looks less than perfect), I want more time (my calendar is is so booked I’m starting to schedule “time to sleep”).

I WANT.

When we are babies or toddlers, we don’t really have an “observer” who is commenting on what we want. It seems babies cry or smile or reach or play and this thing comes along called “wanting” and it’s very simple. No judgment AGAINST the wanting feeling. It’s more like attention is turned toward getting what is wanted, it’s the way of it.

I remember one of the very first times I wanted something but then ALSO had the thought on top of wanting it that it was BAD to be wanting this thing.

I was eight. In school that day we were allowed to sit on top of our desks to watch a movie. Such a special and strange treat, sitting ON our desks, with our feet dangling down in front.

For some reason I caught a glimpse of my thighs and they were spread wide the way they would be sitting that way. But my mom had recently gone on a Weight Watchers diet and it had occurred to me for the first time in my life that sometimes, people want more food than they actually need, and they get upset about it. They don’t like the way they look.

I suddenly thought “Oh no! I am too fat! Being fat is bad! That’s what my mom is talking about!”

Later, the teacher gave us Reese’s Peanutbutter Cups. I wanted to eat it, but instead I took mine home for my little sisters. I would start copying my mom. We had the same “problem” of wanting too much food. Obviously.

This morning I worked with a client who noticed the thought “I want more time with him”.

She found that she was actually wanting more “fun” and relaxation.

I heard this dear client saying that one way she reacted when she believed the thought that more time with him would bring her happiness, is she had a new thought; “I am going to stop wanting more time with him”. That’s the little tricky part. The strategy to deal with this BAD WANTING. I want, therefore I suffer. So I’ll figure out how to stop wanting anything.

But what if the wanting isn’t “bad”?

So first, I find out who I would be without the thought that I have to have that thing I want in order to be happy? Then I find out who I would be without the thought that wanting it is bad?

Who would I be without the thought that if I was thinner, I’d be happier? Who would I be without the thought that if I had more money, I’d have more freedom, more adventure, or more security? Who would I be without the thought that if I had more time, I’d be more successful?

Who would I be without the thought that if I stopped WANTING things in the first place, I’d be happier? Can I just “want” and still be happy?!

 “Since the beginning of time, people have been trying to change the world so that they can be happy. This hasn’t ever worked, because it approaches the problem backward.~Byron Katie

With inquiry, I notice that wanting stuff is not so bad. In fact, it’s kind of exciting. It gives me new, creative ideas. It’s like the world is a playground and I see the swings, the jungle gym, the monkey bars and want to run around on all of them, oh boy!

I also notice, there is more to “me” than this wanting. It is not all I am.

“When things are not the way you prefer, that does not mean that they shouldn’t be happening. It means that they are not what you want….Your wanting it different means that you want it different. Whatever is you up til now is allowed. Whatever you want or choose now is also allowed. You are allowed to be what you are…”~ Bruce di Marsico

I am allowed to be what I am, wanting to have fun, play, eat candy. Wanting more time, wanting more money….

When I stop criticizing myself for be a big WANTING machine, I can find out more about what I fear, why I want, what is going on in this present moment where “wanting” exists.

What if wanting is the way of it, sometimes?

Come bring your fabulous WANTING and investigate it for the weekend in Seattle next month. We will gather at Goldilocks Cottage (my home) and dive into The Work and see who we are without our stories about believing we want. Limited to 14 people, non-residential.

For more information on this first weekend in June click here.

With love, Grace

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When They Think You’re Wrong

A few years ago I was working with a woman on a project who, it turned out, had some judgments about me, and about what the project outcome was supposed to look like. She was not happy.

One day I said to her “is there something the matter? I would like to hear what you are thinking” and then there was a stream of concepts pouring forth. “You are not being collaborative, you don’t seem to care, you are talking behind my back to other people about me, you are a liar”.

I was so stunned, and my face I am sure turned bright red. I had no idea she felt this way. I had suspected she was not a happy person about several things in her life. My thought had been “she complains a lot”. I had actually even done The Work on my thoughts about this….and wound up feeling a lot of compassion for her….from a distance. I had believed I need to stay away from her, she was too critical, too full of complaints.

Now, here was a human being, giving me what I needed right in that moment. Right in that instant I felt fear, sadness, fret, surprise.

  • I should have known how unhappy she was
  • I should have seen that she would complain about me
  • She is mean!
  • She is judgmental, critical, a perfectionist
  • She wants to be too close to me
  • She is nosy, she asks too many questions
  • She talks too much!
  • I am too introverted
  • I am too unfriendly

Investigating my thinking about this, I could see how the minute she “criticized” me, I was off into a vortex of fear. All coming down to “she doesn’t like me” and “I’ve done something wrong”.

And these thoughts themselves assume that if someone doesn’t like me it’s terrible, or that it’s possible for me to do something wrong.

The part of the mind that argues for safety, control, protection, and being careful….that part that is worried says OF COURSE YOU CAN DO SOMETHING WRONG, YOU DING-BAT! Watch out, you could make another mistake any minute now. Be careful! Just being yourself is not good enough! Being yourself might be bad! You should be more friendly, kind, talkative, open, truthful…

What if everything you’ve ever thought about someone else or about yourself that feels bad in any way is a belief that can be un-done, questioned, investigated, un-thought?

What if it’s possible to be peaceful, happy, loving, excited, joyful….in any moment, including the one where someone is yelling at you and clearly, thinks you’re making a mistake, doing it wrong, or doesn’t like you?

“Defense is the FIRST act of war. If you tell me that I’m mean, rejecting, hard, unkind, or unfair, I say “thank you sweetheart, I can find all these things in my life, I have been everything you say, and more. Tell me everything you see, and together we can help me understand. Through you, I come to know myself. Without you, how can I know the places in me that are unkind and invisible? You bring me to myself. So, sweetheart, look into my eyes and tell me again. I want you to give me everything.”~Byron Katie

I wrote down everything that woman said to me that I could remember. I looked at her words, and any place I wanted to defend or explain myself. I saw how she was right. I was distant, dismissive, I stayed away from her, something in me was bored with her, irritable, not collaborative, withdrawn. Something in ME judged HER as wrong!

She was right. I felt flooded with gratitude for her. I started talking more. I showed up more. I participated more. I said what I really thought. The whole atmosphere softened. I think about her face and I can see how hard she tries, how worried she is sometimes, how brave she was to speak up and tell the truth.

“All people are allowed to be happy at all times, forever. This is happiness: to know you are always allowed to be happy no matter who you are, what you do, and no matter what happens to you.”~Bruce di Marsico

With love,

Grace

Posted on

Terrible Horrible Bad Anxiety

Asking questions has been one of humankinds great activities, since some time way back when cave men first went exploring.

What is over there (past the edge of the world)? How can I stay alive the longest?

Socrates had big discussions with Plato about virtue and truth. What can be taught to humans? What is naturally inside of us from the beginning?

The great spiritual teachers, and probably many that we don’t know about, were asking “What is all this? What is the meaning of life? How can I know God?”

Anthony de Mello, a wonderful Jesuit priest and psychotherapist (who died in 1987), asked burning questions about truth, love, faith and reality. He said “problems only exist in the human mind”.

Byron Katie’s questions are so simple….and the answers I have found require lots of contemplation sometimes. Especially question four “Who would you be without that stressful thought?”

Yesterday I thought about one of my most painful experiences: craving. I used to experience this with food, cigarettes, alcohol, caffeine, then money, excitement, energy, attraction.

I’m talking about craving, that battle that goes I MUST have something, get it ASAP, and I won’t rest til I have it. Feeling desperate, emotional, ready to do anything to find it.

In earlier years food was always by far the biggest, worst, most overwhelming craving. The most destructive, wild, horrible experiences of over-eating to the point of feeling painfully stuffed, learning to force myself to vomit at some point to relieve the pain, then collapsing exhausted into sleep. That was a nightmare!

So many strategies for how to stop, setting dates on when I would quit, reading books on nutrition, reading self-help books, going to therapy, and always wondering what was wrong with me?

I was reading The Guru Next Door today and found new questions from this book applying beautifully to looking at my inner world. Seeing who I am when I am feeling something very intense. These kinds of questions help get to the judgments so you can see them written down.

One wonderful question in the book is: What is bothering you when you are feeling bad? I mean, really, WHAT IS BOTHERING YOU? About life, death, your work, other people, the world?

With my craving what bothered me was:

  • I have to consume something
  • I am very anxious
  • nothing will help me stop being anxious or upset except eating/drinking/smoking
  • I am out of control
  • my feelings are unbearable
  • I am powerless
  • this will never change

Today in the Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass we questioned the thought “Anxiety pushes me to eat (or abuse myself somehow)”.

I have anxiety, I have all these thoughts about how to manage it, how to get rid of it, what the problem must be, how to fix it, how to correct it. I am Against Anxiety for sure. No one out there with anxiety comes out OK, I have proof. The emotion of anxiety seems good for nothin’!

But who would I be without the thought that Anxiety is bad? What IS this thing that I’m calling Anxiety anyway?

What if Anxiety is good for something? Useful? Helpful in some way? Showing something of value? What if it’s a buzzing, quick, busy, nervous feeling as a response to stressful thoughts about the future, worries about the future? New thoughts that are untrue, that I could really question?

Turning my thoughts around that I used to have when I was craving something, it looks like this, much more peaceful:

  • I don’t have to consume anything at all
  • Some part of me has sensations (that I was calling anxiety)
  • This feeling will stop without me doing anything to help it stop, it will change
  • I am not out of control, I’m sitting here
  • my feelings are bearable, they are only a part of me
  • I am powerful (I can question anything that hurts)
  • this will change, it will always change (it never sticks around without letting up)

Spending time with each sentence and finding examples of how they are true can be mind-altering.

You can do this for yourself. There is no actual true reason to feel terrible, to feel hopeless, full of stress, out of control. Just as you are, even with anxiety, you are OK.

No reason to suffer, there is nothing wrong with you.

What, you thought you should not ever feel one drop of anxiety? That’s your goal?

“You move totally away from reality when you believe that there is a legitimate reason to suffer.”~ Byron Katie

With love, Grace