Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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No Such Thing As Independence

Dear Inquirers,

The word “independence” by definition in the dictionary says it means: not controlled or influenced by others, not subject to another’s authority, not influenced by the thoughts of others, not influenced by the action of others, not dependent upon something else for existence or operation, not relying on others for aid or support.  

IMPOSSIBLE!

How could I possibly be not influenced by other people, or by actions or ideas I’ve heard. How could I possibly not rely on anything for support or aid?

I mean, really. There is not one thing that I do, think, or have that was built without influence from others.

My perception of the world is influenced deeply by all those people around me who are existing, doing their thing, talking, behaving, breathing, living.

My very existence in this body is dependent on some force of life running itself that I have no idea how it works, or why, or what really keeps it going. The heart beats, the brain thinks, the breath goes in and out.

We get so interested in independence….and it doesn’t really exist!

Something sounds really wonderful about it, though. If I were entirely independent, beyond all influence and control, what would I have?

The imagined state of total independence and why it sounds GOOD:

  • I do whatever I want
  • I don’t need anyone or anything
  • I don’t have to work
  • I’m thriving, I have everything I want
  • I can say or think whatever occurs to me
  • I feel free
  • I come, I go as I wish
  • I’m OK with everything, I don’t mind what happens

The interesting thing is, with doing The Work and questioning only what is being thought….this state of “independence” becomes more and more true.

And what’s funny is, with this so-called independence, there is more and more surrender to the condition of absolutely dependence on Reality, God, Source, What Is.

More and more dependence on going with the flow, not fighting against anything, giving up having it MY way. More and more being able to ask in any moment “Am I sure it needs to go the way I think it should go? Or can I be fine with how it is, can I find the humor?”

Less and less holding anyone or anything else responsible for influencing me, controlling me, causing me pain.

The whole thing is a big paradox; independent sounds good, dependent sounds bad….but really it’s all about what we’re independent from or dependent on.

Life shows us what we’re still trying to get independent from. Something happens, someone bugs us, and POW, we get all mad or scared.

The fabulous news is that we get to choose. It doesn’t seem like it sometimes, it seems like we’re just riding the PAIN TRAIN of reacting against or for something.

But we do get to choose peace….we have this much independence (and maybe that’s the only independence).

If peace is really what you want, then you will choose peace. If peace mattered to you more than anything else and if you truly knew yourself to be spirit rather than a little me, you would remain nonreactive and absolutely alert when confronted with challenging people or situations. You would immediately accept the situation and thus become one with it rather than separate yourself from it. ~Eckhart Tolle

The incredible thing is, when you become “one” with the situation or the person you are resisting, when you see the beauty in them, or you stop fighting the situation (like cancer, no money, someone dying) then oddly enough, there is Independence.

And there is nothing you can do about it.

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Secret True Confession Body Shyness

Dear Inquirers,

Secret Confession: I am shy, embarrassed, protective and nervous about going naked in broad daylight! People do this at Breitenbush Hotsprings (where I was just co-teaching a retreat).

Wow what an absolutely fantastic 4-day retreat, despite this Unrevealed Secret! I am once again amazed at the power and love found in the middle of a group gathered to do inquiry. People came from across the whole country, from corners of the US, and it was sooooo sweet and incredible!

So here is the True Confession: I never went in the naked hotsprings during daylight hours. Only at night under the stars when everyone was murmuring quietly in hushed voices.

And no one could see in detail my imperfect BODY! OMG!

At this retreat, we did the work first on one troubling relationship that has brought angst, sadness, anger, frustration or stress of any kind, as far back into the past as desired.

But what about that troubling relationship with the BODY??!! That dastardly betraying imperfect lump of flesh!

We began our work on the Body part way into the retreat. As we all wrote down all the negative, stressful thoughts we have about our bodies, the laughter welled up. The sheer volume on our lists of what is wrong with the body was incredible.

Too many wrinkles, too much fat here, not enough fat there, too many veins, too much swelling, pain in the back, in the legs, in the neck, gray hair, aching joints, lumps in the wrong places, injuries, dislocations, sagging skin, cellulite-covered thighs, bruises, poor digestion, needing to pee too often.

The body is a wealth of stressful thoughts. My relationship with this body is a profound snapshot of my relationship with my life.

What does it mean about us that we have these flaws?

What am I believing it means about me that I have jiggly and lumpy thighs or thick knees, that skin is starting to wrinkle and sag in many places on this body of mine?

What do I believe other people will see and think if I’m running around naked at the hotsprings in broad daylight!??!

People will think (as if I know): “Oh…I thought she was younger than that….oh, I thought she was in better physical condition that that….oh, I thought she was more disciplined and closer to perfect….oh, I thought she was nicer looking than that….”

They will not like me, they will not be interested in me, they will not think I have anything to offer, they will not be attracted to me, they will not want to know me better, they will dismiss me, they will be bored.

Yes, it’s that petty and ridiculous.

But oh the beauty of discovering this long-held true secret that started so long ago, somewhere in childhood, when I began to believe that I was all my body and not my inner soul. When I started to believe this body could be attractive or ugly to others, and that this could mean I had company or loneliness. When I started to believe that this body needed to be protected at all costs, because if it got sick or died, I would suffer.

What if being sick, having pain, having a flaw, or dying is NOT suffering?

“Every story we tell is about body-identification. Without a story, there’s no body. When you believe that you are this body, you stay limited, you get to be small, you get to see yourself as apparently encapsulated in one separate form. So every thought has to be about your survival or your health or your comfort or your pleasure, because if you let up for a moment, there would be no body-identification.” ~Byron Katie

 

What if I have been focused on the body so I wouldn’t have to be limitless expansive emptiness…something that is entirely beyond the body and beyond “me”? What if that’s the Real Secret Confession?

 

Love,

Grace

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I Can’t Handle This Moment

Dear Inquirers,

Ages ago, when it seems I was almost a different person (yet I remember it well) my relationship with food was horrendous.

My relationship with money was also confusing….it appeared to come and go and I felt so small and powerless in it, I could hardly think about it. I mainly focused on other relationships that seemed more important (like food).

My relationship with other people was also worrisome. I loved some of them, but found others repulsive. I didn’t like getting too incredibly close to people….it felt dangerous and disturbing.

Really, my relationship with ME was confusing, worrisome, dangerous, horrendous. It seemed like I was unpredictable, mean, critical, and that I actually would harm myself.

I would have a feeling or thought arise that seemed too big, too emotional, too frightening, and I would automatically think I couldn’t handle it. My attitude toward the feeling or thought was that it must die. I would attack it and do anything to get rid of it or get away from it.

This created that troubling and terrible relationship with food and eating. I would have thoughts like:

  • Eating would feel so good right now
  • I am such a pig, all I think about is food
  • I could stop anything else I’m doing and start to eat, I could go to the store and buy everything I ever wanted, everything that looks yummy
  • I am so selfish, scared, angry, bitter
  • The only thing that will help me right now to calm down is to frantically eat all I want without control
  • I’ll binge now and stop later
  • I will never get over this
  • My relationship with food proves I am a stupid, immature, undisciplined, unenlightened person

The thing is, I flipped back and forth between desperately wanting and berating myself for wanting, like a ping-pong ball.

I never really looked at what was going on, slowing the whole thing down.

I never questioned the thought “I can’t handle this moment, so I need to eat. Eating would improve this moment”.

This could be the same with anything I’ve experienced that I feel totally compelled to do, like when I smoked cigarettes or drank alcohol….or obsessively planned out ways to make money, or work my way up the ladder in a job.

Suffering is the idea that something needs to be different right now. This could be ANYTHING.

So in this moment I allow my mind to think about what it would improve or change to make things better, and then I can ask myself is it really true that if this changed, it WOULD be better?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to heal, improve, change, clarify, get balance, feel peace. It seems that stress arises when we have no balance, when we become “against” something, when we have a big reaction.

Realization is already here. All that is necessary is to get rid of the thought ‘I have not realized’.~ Ramana Maharshi

All that is necessary in the moment I move into feeling compelled to eat, drink, smoke, watch TV, work, surf the net, is to question the thought “this moment sucks”.

Join me in examining all the less-than-perfect moments on the topics of eating, sexuality, money or relationships in July (see the schedule below).

Love, Grace

Visit me at www.workwithgrace.com and pass along this blog post to anyone you know who might enjoy it. They can sign up for the list on my website!

  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Fridays July 13 – August 31 Noon – 1:30 Pacific 
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Thursdays July 12 – August 30 8:00 – 9:30 am PT
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality – Tuesdays July 10 – August 28 8:15 – 9:45 am PT
  • Money, Work and Business – Weds July 11 – August 29 5:00 – 6:30 pm PT

The Hidden Gift in ANY Relationship June 27 – July 1 in the glorious Breitenbush Hotsprings Resort in Oregon! $350 for one person tuition, plus room and board. Bring a second person for $100 tuition (plus room and board).

Grace Bell, MA, Certified Counselor WA

Certified Facilitator of the Work of Byron Katie
website: www.workwithgrace.com
email: gracebell@comcast.net
phone: 206-650-1230
skype: graceebell
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Copyright© WorkWithGrace

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Stop Believing In Abandonment

Hello Dear Inquirers,

When I first found The Work of Byron Katie one thought I had was…how could this be so simple and actually “work”?

What I meant by wanting it to WORK was I wanted to feel happy, resolved, peaceful. I wanted to stop thinking the same thing over and over and over again about a person who bugged me or a really difficult experience. I wanted to stop hating myself for making mistakes.

One concept that came up when I wrote down all my painful beliefs about someone was “he abandoned me”.

Yesterday I sat with a wonderful client who felt discouraged about primary relationships in her life. When she thought about partners she had, all the way back to her first boyfriend, she had the same kind of thought “he rejected me” or “he abandoned me”.

She said she would rather be burned, get into an accident, go through gigantic physical suffering, than experience the pain of breaking up with someone again.

I have a woman who I really don’t know extremely well who I worked with on a project in the past. She told me a few years ago “you are not being collaborative, you are not friendly”. She took notes, literally, on my lack of collaboration to present to the person in charge, and also pointed out that I was NOT a detail person.

You would have thought she had said to me “DIE, you scummy piece of junk! You horrendous disgusting excuse for a human! I hate everything about you! The world is worse with you in it!”

A little dramatic.

And all about ME. How dare she criticize me or have a problem with ME? I am such a well-intentioned, nice person! Jeez!

That little phrase “how dare you…how dare she….how dare they…”

If that comes into my head, I know I’m getting on the Blame Train and building my Case Against Them. I’m on the Train To Nowhere But Hell!

And in that moment that I get on that train, I’m actually abandoning everything. I’m abandoning myself, I’m getting super defensive, I’m abandoning them, I’m abandoning the whole truth of the situation.

I notice that it REALLY HURTS.

So eventually, with this repetitive thought that other people have abandoned me in my life, a wonderful facilitator finally suggested to me that a turnaround of this idea is “I AM SET FREE”.

Right in that moment that I believe someone “abandons” me by criticizing me, or “breaking up” with me…..

Maybe in that moment I am being set free, I am totally strong enough to live life without them, I am getting unhitched from being hooked on them like a trailer behind a car.

In that moment that I used to call “abandoned” I am being presented with great possibilities for the future, I am entering the world of emptiness, joy, space!

“How do you know when you don’t need people? When they’re not in your life. How do you know when you do need them? When they ARE in your life. You can’t control the comings and goings of people you care for. What you CAN do is have a good life whether they come or go.” ~Byron Katie

So, the dear woman who told me I wasn’t friendly enough and I wasn’t a detail person was there because I needed to hear that. She wasn’t abandoning me, she was giving me some truly excellent feedback. No big deal.

And the people who I apparently don’t ever see or talk with anymore, who are not in my life as they once were….wow. They offered just the right dose of detachment so I could come back to myself and love my own company.

Those abandoning-people gave me the most incredible gift. To stop believing in Abandonment.

Love, Grace

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Grace Notes

Grace Notes Are My Drug Of Choice
“Grace, I cannot let too many of these posts get into my soul and not send a thank you — although I want to shower you with blessings and thanks for every one I gobble up. Your sharing and insights are my soul food, my Being Candy, my It’s-Okay-It’s-Good-For-You drug of choice”. —-SD in Minnesota

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Oh Goodie, I’m Stuck!

Feeling stuck somewhere in your life can feel excruciating.

  • I’m stuck thinking about the same thing over and over and I wish I could forget it
  • I can’t resolve my relationship with my partner
  • I can’t accept my boss, she’s too annoying
  • My career is boring, I want to retire, but I have no other work
  • I won’t ever find a mate, I’m stuck being alone
  • I’m never going to be satisfied with my unhealthy body
  • I have to have money to be happy
  • I’m stuck being unenlightened, I’m not happy

I heard a zen koan story once that went something like this: a man is holding on to a branch of a tree which hangs over a cliff with his teeth. His hands are tied behind his back. The zen master teacher says “say the one thing that will save you”.

The man is stuck. There is no way out. He is going to die, it is just a matter of when.

The mind loves to try to figure it out and find the answer. It says “there must be another way….there must be a way out and I’m just not seeing it yet. There must be something I can do, a new technique, a special practice, there must be a clue….I’m sure that I am not actually stuck! Not really!”

The feeling that comes with these thoughts of being totally and completely stuck can be so depressing, full of despair.

Once on a meditation retreat I said to the teacher Adyashanti “I can’t stand it, I’ve tried everything” and he said “Congratulations”.

Nothing to do, nothing to find. Just stop.

So I look at my thoughts which feel the most despairing, the ones that feel trapped. I inquire if this is really bad, the way I’m presuming.

It’s terrible that I keep thinking about the same trauma or person over and over again, is that true? I wish I could forget it, is that absolutely true?

I can’t resolve it, accept it, make peace with it, whatever it is…is that really true? I don’t truly understand life, I haven’t reached enlightenment and I should. Is that really true?

I will never be happy with this stuck, repetitive thinking. I will never be peaceful in this situation. I have to get out of here.

What if I turned the thought around? “Being stuck is awesome, fantastic, brilliant, perfect”.

What are examples of this?

  • I stop pushing and demanding an answer
  • I relax in my body and welcome all my thinking
  • I say “oh goodie, I am stuck” and this feels really different
  • I feel how big the universe and reality is, so much bigger than me, and feel a trust that it knows what it’s doing
  • It’s OK not to get how to fix my predicament, I let it be here to discover what it’s here for
  • I just sit, I’m silent
  • I don’t have to be unhappy about being “stuck”

Letting go of the branch of the tree that I’m holding onto with my teeth doesn’t look bad at all when death, the inevitable, is a good thing.

Letting go and relaxing is fine when I stop believing that being stuck is terrible, dreadful and depressing.

“Unhappiness is the belief in the wrongness of being. To be unhappy is to feel that you are wrong to be who you are.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico

Whatever you are thinking, welcome it. It’s here for your inquiry.

With love, Grace

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I Can’t Stand Their Fighting!

One of the most profound areas of torture for many people is in the realm of parenting.

One of my favorite graduate school psychology professors said “the key to being successful in parenting is being willing to be hated”. 

This morning a thoughtful and brilliant client came to our session having written down all her judgments about her two daughters hitting each other, ages six and eight. There they were at the kitchen table, and one of them lunges at the other, who then punches the first in the face.

The mother, my client, then screamed.

Sometimes it may feel like the biggest emotional moments are right in the presence of our children. That has been the case for me, just like this dear client.

It’s really quite funny LATER, to look back at the scene. And looking back is a very necessary step, frame by frame, for the inquiry process. Getting curious about what bugged me most of all, why I “lost it” in that moment, why I “couldn’t take it anymore”.

Once when my children were much younger than they are now, early in inquiry, they were bickering in the back seat of the car while I was driving. I could feel the geyser of anger coming from the center of my stomach….oh no, here it is!

What are the painful thoughts in that moment? You don’t even have to be a parent really to identify these kinds of thoughts. Imagine yourself in a situation where children are yelling, fighting, hitting, calling each other names….maybe you’ve even seen that in a movie.

(Yes, I know, adults appear to do these things too).

  • They should not yell
  • It is too noisy
  • They should treat each other with respect
  • This noise has to STOP
  • There is nothing I can do
  • Here is an example of the selfishness of human nature
  • I could get hurt if I intervene
  • I’m a terrible mother/father!
  • I need to know what to do!!!!!

To work with this moment as if it has something incredible to offer, an understanding, rather than just wanting to get away from those loud, mean children, or make them stop, is an entirely different experience of this moment.

“See if you can catch yourself complaining in either speech or thought, about a situation you find yourself in, what other people do or say, your surroundings, your life situation, even the weather. To complain is always nonacceptance of what is. It invariably carries an unconscious negative charge. When you complain, you make yourself a victim. Leave the situation or accept it. All else is madness”. ~Eckhart Tolle 

Instead of feeling like a victim of these people who are fighting in my presence, I write down my beliefs. They are ones that have been passed along from generation to generation before me, what children should or should not do, how they should or should not be, and what it means that these children, who are apparently MINE (question this) are behaving this way.

What is the most frightening thing that could happen if they keep fighting?

My client answered immediately: they will hate each other always, they will refuse to return home for Thanksgiving, I will be a grandma without my daughters here together, they will not support each other when I’m gone.

Can we really know that it’s true that these hitting children are full of rage that will last for years? What if there is nothing to be afraid of? What if I am enough, I can do what needs to be done, even if I’m not sure what it is?

What if they should yell, it is not too noisy, they are naturally respectful, the noise does not have to stop. What if this is an example of the passion and love in human nature, and that I won’t get hurt if I intervene.

“In spite of the seven thousand books of expert advice, the right way to discipline a child is still a mystery to most fathers and… mothers.  Only your grandmother and Ghengis Khan know how to do it”.  ~Billy Cosby

All I can do when I feel upset with children is, go back and look again, after the emotion has passed. What do I believe about this scene, this situation? Inquire and learn. Either we believe our thoughts or we don’t. Believing them keeps the pattern running. Questioning takes the intensity right out of it.

You don’t need to know what to do. Just question your thinking.

With love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-person Workshop Saturday and Sunday

June 2-3, 2012 in Seattle, Washington

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Not Hiding My Violence And Pain

This morning I was reading from Loving What Is, Byron Katie’s book about The Work and how she discovered it. There are many dialogues of people with whom Katie did the Work in the second half of the book.

I randomly opened the pages to a man who is very angry at his uncle for advising him poorly on the stock market.

What an amazing story to question, the thought patterns which say “that person should not have told me what they told me”. Or the opposite, “they should have told me something different, something better…”

  • My friend shouldn’t have told me that insulting joke
  • My dad should have told me why he was depressed
  • The man I was dating shouldn’t have told me I wasn’t his type
  • My grandfather should have told me how to make money
  • My grandmother shouldn’t have told me she was lonely
  • My co-worker shouldn’t have told me she didn’t trust me
  • That doctor shouldn’t have told me the mole was nothing to worry about

This morning in our teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food a participant selected the thought to bring to inquiry “I needed her to tell me not to hide my eating”.

How amazing to get an idea of who we would be without the thought that anyone should have said something different than what they have said so far. Or that we needed them to help us. Or that they should have said more.

What if we were ourselves, following advice, not following it, hearing their words, noticing the reactions inside of us….wanting just what we wanted (like cookies) without feeling shame, guilty, desperation, anger, sadness.

I have loved doing The Work on the concept “they shouldn’t have said that!” I bring the situation I’m most upset about to mind. There the person is, speaking. Words are coming out of her mouth. Her face is red. Her eyes are squinting.

Right in that moment, I remember what felt so terrifying about her speaking, the way her face looked. I remember what I thought it meant about me or about them, or the world, that was very stressful.

  • She hates me, I hurt her, I’m bad, I should have done it differently
  • Doctors can’t be trusted, bad things can happen to me
  • I did something wrong
  • My grandmother is suffering and I can’t help her
  • My grandfather didn’t think I was good enough to make money
  • My dad doesn’t think I’m good to talk with about his inner life
  • My friend is making fun of me
  • I am unattractive, ugly

When I do The Work, I not only find acceptance of what everyone has said or not said, I also find that I can find examples of how it was an advantage for me that it went just exactly the way it went.

So the man working with Katie saw his list of demands that he wanted from his uncle, and as he looked at every demand, he discovered that he was the only one who could really give him what he needed or wanted. Not his uncle.

I give myself the gift of the turnaround “I need to tell myself not to hide my eating“. I need to tell myself it is OK to be me, not hiding my behavior, my thinking, my feelings.

I tell people about my story of being bulimic for ten years, going on these episodes of crazed eating so much food it was amazing I could hold it, and then forcing myself to vomit. That I was borderline anorexic for two years, controlling every bite that went in my mouth (which was very little) and deciding I would simply never respond to hunger, ever.

I tell people of my terrible violent relationship with food and eating and how that is now over. I tell people that I eat whatever I want now, whenever I want to eat it. Sometimes I have a moment where I think I ate too much but it’s rare, sometimes I have a moment where I think I’m too hungry and “I can’t stand it” but it’s rare. Sometimes I look at my darling fiance’s bottle of coke and I think “he shouldn’t drink that” but then I laugh.

I know what to do the minute I feel anxiety or pain or discouragement of any kind. I see what it is I am believing, first, and then take it to inquiry.

“There is no such thing as verbal abuse. There’s only someone telling me a truth that I don’t want to hear. If I were really able to hear my accuser, I would find my freedom…..If your uncle says something that hurts, he’s just revealed what you haven’t wanted to look at yet.” ~ Byron Katie

Our mothers and fathers and all the people around us with their explanations and ideas about food, or stock tips, all these people with their intense feelings and words…maybe they are God in disguise. Giving us everything we need or don’t need for our freedom.

With love, Grace

Sign up for The Work With Grace in Seattle on June 2-3

The Hidden Gift in ANY Relationship

June 27 – July 1 in the glorious Breitenbush Hotsprings Resort in Oregon! Please register at www.breitenbush.com.

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Mothers And Forgiveness

Today I have been thinking (again) about Mothers and Forgiveness.

I used to be frustrated with the idea of forgiveness. It seemed like forgiving meant saying it was OK that bad, mean, awful things happened and I should grin and bear it. Or I should rise above that and be a better person.

Forgiving was a sort of dangerous concept. If I “forgave” then I would be setting myself up for getting hurt again. I might get crucified…like Jesus.

No, forgiveness was not going to be for me. I’d rather resent, protect, make sure I could defend myself, and stay away forever from the source of the pain….whoever it was. It was better knowing exactly who the enemy was. And it wasn’t me!

And while we’re at it, I must NEVER FORGET what happened. I would never get fooled again into being the victim.

Of course, we’ll overlook the fact that I have to be vigilant, careful, nervous, anxious, sad, enraged or distrustful every time I think about the “perpetrator”.

The last and 8th session of Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven just occurred yesterday (and won’t start again until July). Each and every class is like a treasure box, all the participants doing the most amazing, thoughtful work from their own sweet, amazing lives.

The power of the group working together is so incredible!

It’s a microcosm of the deepest support in life, all of us journeying together, walking along the path towards a Beautiful Mystery. We all give each other ideas, where if we were stuck in our own mind we might not be able to see our stressful thoughts clearly.

So there we are are in the teleclass and many of us thinking about one person who has really bugged us, someone who has dished out a lot of pain and aggravation, someone who has been absolutely hurtful.

I love how Katie mentions that during her first years of inquiry, she worked so often on her mother. These are the thoughts Katie writes about in A Thousand Names For Joy:

  • My mother doesn’t love me
  • She loves my sister and brother more than me
  • She should invite me to family gatherings
  • If I tell the truth about what happened, she’ll deny it and no one will believe me

I can add these from my own list:

  • My mother is too angry
  • My mother is too cheerful
  • My mother gets hurt too easily
  • My mother is too critical

Katie says that she would write down her thought, as we do in the Work, one at a time. This is so, so, so, so important.

One thought at a time.

My mind is so busy, fast, and interested in proving that the other person over there (my mother) is inadequate that I can hardly take half a breath before finding 20 examples of proof at how imperfect that person has been. Images come screeching in for attention.

The mind is very chaotic. Katie suggests “you can’t stop mental chaos, however motivated you are. But if you identify one piece of chaos and stabilize it, then the whole world begins to make sense”. 

One thought at a time.

Some participants in the class still felt like the person they brought to our 8 weeks together was not their best friend. Maybe not even close.

I say, don’t try to make them be your best friend, your favorite human, the mother you always thought you wanted. Just keep noticing what your mind says that feels painful.

That’s all that is necessary. One thought at a time.

Don’t worry about whether you find the most painful thought to inquire about, or the “best” thought to question. Just watch what you are thinking, the mind will bring it to you. Write down only one. It doesn’t matter if it’s completely silly sounding, like “my mother shouldn’t have looked away”.

Just let your mind answer the questions; Is it true? Are you 100% sure? How do you react when you believe that thought? Who would you be without that thought? What is the opposite?

Forgiveness will just come along, and exactly the right time, it the most perfect way.

“Inquiry changes the world faster than you can imagine….” ~Byron Katie.  

With love, Grace

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I Love A Good Story

Understanding the concept of what it means to have a “story” and what it means to be without this story is an awareness that all alone can change a person’s perspective.

I love a good story! I like happy endings! I listen with baited-breath to a story with suspense, failure, success, laughing, crying….It’s fabulous!

The difference between having a story and not having one may seem too strange and frightening to imagine. If I really question all the facts, if I really ask myself what is true and what isn’t true….what if I am Nothing? What if I really know nothing absolutely?

So many stories pile up over time. We fall into a certain demographic category: I am tall, blue-eyed, light skin, dual British and US citizen, 2 kids, divorced, engaged to be married mid-life, blah blah blah. Not that any of it is boring really….but it is the story of someone on the planet, unique but not so unique. Mediocre. Middle of the curve. Nothing special. Regular human.

Then we have stories that are our personalities, how we respond to things, how we tend to behave. I am introverted, shy, VERY funny, dry sense of humor, playful, analytical, dramatic.

People love taking tests around these kinds of tendencies: the enneagram, the Myers-Briggs, the Five Factor. It’s fun to categorize the stories, and people have found it helpful for creating intimacy as people talk about how they react to life.

And, we could question every answer, every story.

Then there are life-event stories. The things that happened to us along the way. Our parents, our bosses, our teachers. Big changes…”good” ones, “bad” ones.

How did we learn it all? It’s like we enter the planet, as infants, and then something happens with consciousness expanding. Memory. Emotions. We enter the Soup of This Story of Planet Earth and Me. And often its the story of a being a victim of something…whether it’s a parent, a natural disaster, a disease, mean nasty people.

I love this quote by Dave Barry “I would not know how I am supposed to feel about many stories if not for the fact that the TV news personalities make sad faces for sad stories and happy faces for happy stories. 

Ha ha!

Here come the stories as they begin during first memories:

  • Mom is crying and it means that I need to help her
  • Aunt is bitter and has a mean face and it means she’ll hurt me
  • He died and now all the grown ups are desperate
  • Dad shouts to be quiet and I made the noise, I upset him
  • Sister gives me the evil eye and it terrifies me that she doesn’t love me
  • Grandma claps when I dance and I start trying to dance better
  • Grandpa tells me he is proud of me and now I know I should want his pride
  • There is something wrong with me
  • I am too needy
  • I can get hurt

It seems like life becomes a long, long story of one thing happening after another.

The Work is so simple, and by asking the four simple questions, it makes the notion of having a really good story that explains everything very doubtful.

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.” ~Byron Katie

Can you think what it would be like, right now just for today, if you didn’t have the thought that something happened TO you, but instead that it happened FOR you?

What is an advantage of that thing happening that you thought happened to you? This is not saying “oh fabulous, I can’t wait until someone close to me dies again”. That might be a little over the top.

But it is saying “I’m open”. Maybe I don’t know the end of the story yet. Maybe it’s not 100% true that this has been ALL terrible. I’m open. I can find good things that came from it. Maybe I can relax and enjoy the ride, in the midst of it all.

“As soon as the mind pulls out an agenda and decides what needs to change, that’s unreality. Life doesn’t need to decide who’s right and who’s wrong. Life doesn’t need to know the “right” way to go because it’s going there anyway.” ~Adyashanti

With love, Grace