In the teleclass Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven this morning a participant brought us this concept for inquiry: “I can’t be near them”. She was thinking about her parents who were far away.
But everyone in the class could find where they had the same thought. Someone close to them had died, someone was physically far away, a child had left home, a relationship had ended or never really blossomed.
This concept is only stressful of course if we believe we should be near them, or we want desperately to be near them, or that we are unhappy when we are NOT near them.
We have to be SURE that it is better if we are near them, or that there’s something sad about not being near them. We would be callous or uncaring….or weird, if we just didn’t mind one way or the other whether they were near or not. If we didn’t have stress, discomfort, unhappiness about how far away they are…..jeez! What kind of person would be that way!?!
J. Krishnamurti, an Indian writer and speaker who had many people who loved to listen to him during his life (he lived 1895-1986) once said “Do you want to know what my secret is? You see, I don’t mind what happens”.
When I began to do The Work, I had so many things that I minded. To put it mildly. Not only were there people I wanted to be near (my father had died fairly young and I had thought of it as tragic) but I also wanted a LOT of changes!
I had a list, if God wouldn’t mind listening for a moment or two….which it seemed He wasn’t interested in (I wanted to be near him and thought I wasn’t). I love Katie’s little saying “Who needs God when we have your opinion?” Good point! Perhaps there was a chance that I was wrong?
Then I began to realize the relief in being wrong about my painful thoughts. If the universe was friendly instead of dangerous, then what an amazing feeling I found inside of myself. I wasn’t always sure…I still am not always sure. But even Not being SURE that it’s dangerous is a huge leap away from “I am positive that this place is dangerous”.
Seng-Ts’an was a great Chinese Buddhist teacher during the third patriarch who wrote these words as a part of a great poem:
The Great Way isn’t difficult for those who are unattached to their preferences. Let go of longing and aversion, and everything will be perfectly clear…..if you want to realize the truth, don’t be for or against.
This doesn’t mean to delete all your preferences. It is natural to have them. I like blue most of the time more than red. We want things, we prefer things, we have joyful desires. We notice we enjoy being near certain people in our lives, so we want to be near them more. This is the way of it.
The Work helps us loosen the attachment to these preferences, this idea that seems true.
What if everything you think about being near that person isn’t true? What if Now is also OK? What if you can still be happy anyway, all by yourself?
From this vantage point, you can see the Great Way.
Lots of love, Grace