One of my greatest discoveries in doing The Work and questioning my beliefs that caused mental or emotional stress in my life was what my underlying attitude was towards BIG EMOTIONS.
If you asked me what I really thought of big expressions of emotions and feelings, I was incredibly anxious. If someone yelled, talked excessively with “nervous” energy, cried or wailed, I criticized that person in my mind. I wanted to get away from them.
I said things to myself about people who were doing things like crying, yelling, raging, sobbing, wailing, panicking, moving fast things like “Jeez, they should get a grip, can’t they control themselves?
Is this really worth crying over? I wish they would lower their voice. This isn’t an emergency, what is that person’s problem! Get me away from them, quick! Run!”
I would look at someone crying hard, even when I first listened to Katie doing The Work with people, and think I might have to skip that recording because it was irritating.
I love how we get the most upset at the very things we’re most afraid of. I used to hold back all my tears, hold back my anger, got really silent and non-communicative and overall was TERRIFIED of having deep feelings.
One great way to feel more at peace with big feelings is to identify judgments on feelings themselves.
For example:
- when someone is sobbing, it means that: they are needy, full of self-pity, a victim, trying to manipulate me, confused
- when someone is angry, it means that: they will hurt me, they will break something, they are dangerous and destructive, they will hurt themselves
- when someone is afraid, it means that: I need to help them calm down, they will scare me or other people (like panicking and yelling “fire” when it’s not true), they will do something stupid
It is hard for any feeling to live its life and pass through when there are so many judgments about it. The more I did The Work on other people and their big feelings, the more accepting and calm I felt about being in the presence of them.
Now the funny thing is that it seems like the amount of time I spend talking loud, sobbing, being afraid, feeling intense anger….is really short. I respect these feelings when they come along. I know they mean that I AM BELIEVING SOMETHING STRESSFUL RIGHT NOW. The judgment that I should be completely calm like a princess from a fairy tale at all times and under all circumstances seems to be gone.
I also notice, other people who seem to be feeling something big don’t bug me anywhere near as much as they once did. In fact, I welcome them. I know if they’re saying it loud, I must have needed the volume turned up to really get it.
Love, Grace