This is what it used to be like….
I’m watching the time tick by. It’s 4:15 pm. Every few minutes I glance up over the cubicles in the office where I work to the distant white clock with black numbers hanging on the wall.
Click, click. Wait. Click, click. Wait.
Maybe I can get out of here early, just slide out at 4:50 pm, and no one will notice.
No. Better stay.
I would hate to have a boss or manager walk by and see my chair empty. They’d think I was irresponsible, they’d be disappointed, they’d wonder what was going on. I need to follow the rules.
I feel bad because I made a mistake last week, and it was discovered by the business manager. A check went out to pay a bill and it was for the wrong amount.
I’m such an idiot!
She was so mean to me the way she confronted me about the error. Her tone was so vicious.
I should get a new job. I could just leave today, and never return. Who cares? If this is what it’s like to work 8-5 then it’s not worth it. I refuse to be a cog in the machine, a rat on a spinning wheel!
But if I quit, I’ll have no rent money, no health insurance. I’ll have to move back into my parent’s house. I’d be a worse failure than I am already. I hate looking for new jobs.
I am not free.
5:00 pm. I gather my things and race out of the building to my car.
Behind the wheel, it feels quieter.
I’ve escaped the building. A few hours this evening of open-ended time. A few hours where I don’t have to worry about my supervisor asking me any questions.
I should go running, I should go to the gym, I should go to that meditation group, I should change the oil in my car, I should read that self-help book before it’s due back at the library, I should see what jobs are open for application, I should re-do my resume, I should look at grad programs, I should enroll in that personal development success program, I should be doing more in my life, I should be a better person, I should, I should, I should….
….eat.
Suddenly I’m picturing food.
I could get any kind of food I want. I could eat anything, absolutely anything. I can pick ANYTHING I WANT!!!
The next few hours were lost in the fog of eating, rushing, numbing.
Bummer.
What I never realized, because I was vibrating at such a highly anxious level, was how my mind got so freaked out with all the unresolved, fearful thoughts….
….it felt like I was about to explode.
What I didn’t let myself even realize were all the thoughts and feelings that were practically ready to burst out of me:
- I can’t do anything right
- having a job is too hard, life it too hard
- I should never make mistakes
- other people are disappointed in me
- I’m terrified
- I must be some kind of messed up person to be so nervous about something so trivial
- the world is a difficult place
Being afraid of being afraid was so deep, I smashed the feeling of fear down and switched channels, ASAP, to getting the fear out of me by eating.
Quick!
Who would I be without the thought that eating would make things better right now?
Sheer beyond-control icy emptiness, sadness, isolation.
It would make things worse, if I didn’t have the thought that food will help. I absolutely have to have food.
Wait.
Right?
What if you stopped for a second, right in that MUST-HAVE-NOW moment. Even if it’s not a full-fledged binge, and you’re more the graze-eater type….
….who would you be if it was SAFE to not eat right now?
Who would you be if it was absolutely completely whole-heartedly safe to feel lonely, bored, isolated, small or worried you did something wrong?
Who would you be if in that moment, the universe was not cruel, or even difficult?
Here’s a little special piece of magic I love to use in this art of healing a compulsion that feels so strong and intense, like eating, when you’re in that eating trance like a zombie:
Say to yourself “lie down!”
If you can actually lie down, then do it.
It would be a little weird if you were in a grocery store, or driving your car…but you can do it on a “magic” level, like a part of you hears this command, this encouragement, and it can follow this wisdom.
Lie down.
Pick yourself up and cradle yourself like you are a little baby. Rock yourself like you’re a toddler who was screaming in pain. Hold all those panicking thoughts gently, like they have something to say, instead of dismissing them all or hating them all.
You don’t actually even have to cry, or scream, all you have to do is lie down as that urge is hooking you….tell the frightened part of you to lie down.
Tell your thoughts to lie down.
If you really can lie down….go do it.
Find the couch, the bed, the floor and lie horizontal, close your eyes, breathe deeply and feel the support of everything holding you up on this planet.
Notice you are not getting wiped of the face of the earth, you are not getting struck by lightening, you are not fired, you are not hated, air is going inside your lungs, your heart is beating, you are safe.
You are safe.
All those terrible things that are possible, and running like crazy in the mind.
Have them all lie down for a second, like you have a gym full of 600 kindergartners and they are playing a game where when you say “lie down” over the loud speaker, they actually do it…because it’s fun.
You ARE free.
That’s the turnaround. You are safe, you are free. You can do nothing, you can just stop. You don’t need to escape.
Relax, relax, relax.
“I can go anywhere without the fear of being discovered, I can join anyone in their painful belief, because I have gone to the depths of my own painful beliefs. I have questioned them and seen them vanish like dreams. I have looked the monster straight in the eyes and seen only a child asking for my love.” ~ Byron Katie
We’ll be practicing LIE DOWN as one of the tools in Eating Peace, a 3 month program of recovery from being at war with food, eating or your body…..which is officially open for registration next week (even though five people are already registered)!
I’m only taking a small group. We start Sunday at 8:30 am Pacific time, October 26th.
This program will offer years of investigating this incredible dynamic, that I thought would kill me, to be honest (my relationship with food) and how I turned it into a relationship of love…a doorway to spirit.
This program is not only doing The Work. We’ll also bring many other simple but incredibly powerful practices into our process….like LIE DOWN.
These are living turnaround practices I’ve discovered along the way. Ways to feel free, feel safe, feel present here and now, whether hungry, craving, scared, anxious, tired, full or whatever the feelings are.
Most importantly….one of our practices will be to notice when we’re afraid of feeling something big. Whether anger, sadness, fear, or stress of any kind.
Turn it all around, all of it.
- I am doing everything right
- having a job is easy, life is easy
- I should always make mistakes
- other people are encouraged in me
- I’m not terrified, only my thinking is terrified
- I must be some kind of amazing person to be so nervous about something so fundamental to life
- the world is a wonderful place
Who would you be without the belief that feeling intensely is dangerous?
My answer?
I found I wasn’t hungry for food anymore. Ever.
Ready to join Eating Peace? Read more details and sign up by clicking HERE.
Much love, Grace