anxiety – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

June 24, 2018

When you get nervous on your way to an event with (gasp) people

I met this friend yesterday on my adventure in Yosemite. I didn’t have the thought this tree could judge me. I love imagining having the very same thought about all people.

Have you ever felt nervous when you’re going to a social gathering because you don’t know many of the people who will be there?

A dinner, a big party, a birthday, a memorial service, a shared meal of any kind, a book club discussion, a dance, a workshop or retreat, a training program.

Fluttery nerves descend just thinking about it. What if you don’t enjoy yourself? What if HE is there? What if SHE is there? You could make a fool of yourself possibly. They might not be your people. Maybe you shouldn’t go after all?

Several days ago I boarded a plane to fly to Yosemite to attend the memorial service of my cousin’s husband. While I’m a Bell and part of the family, I knew there would be many people I’d never met. Extended family of the beautiful man who passed away, and many friends of the couple.

I was excited and always had an immediate “yes” within from the moment I heard about what was planned. I wanted to honor these kind, generous people and my cousin.

If you’ve ever had anticipatory nervousness about an event though, it can be sweet to sit down and look more closely at the thoughts and beliefs running in the background, and inquire.

What are you really nervous about? What images do you see that would lead you to believe you won’t enjoy it?

They’re looking at me and judging me
I’ll get stuck talking to someone annoying or scary
They won’t like me
The conversation or activity will be something I don’t understand
I’ll do or say something that will cause them to dislike me; say no, leave, talk too much, talk too little, stay too long, ask stupid questions, ask nothing at all

I notice most of these thoughts have to do with feeling separate from others and most importantly, not being OK with that.

In other words, it’s natural to feel separate from others from time to time–a group wants to stay up late talking, but we’re tired so we go to bed. Without a thought about this being a problem….there isn’t one.

Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that people could judge you, or talk “too much”, or not like you, or do things you don’t really get, or even things that freak you out?

Yes.

Can you absolutely know it’s true?

Well…er…yes. People judge. That’s what we do.

But is it true that it’s stressful and would cause separation?

Oh. Wow. No.

How do you react when you believe your contact with other human beings could result in unpleasant feelings, or separation (at any upcoming event)?

I don’t go! Or I get nervous beforehand. Or if one little thing seems “off” when I arrive, I might say “I knew I shouldn’t have come!”

I don’t have an open mind. I don’t approach the event like it’s a new adventure, with joyful excitement. I’m not so curious. Perhaps I feel protective. My guard is up.

But who would you be without the thought that something unpleasant might happen, or other people could cause you upset, or you might get “stuck” in a conversation, or that people won’t like you and you won’t like people?

I’d have so much fun coming and going, into and out of, the company of others.

I’d feel curious about the adventure of connecting with people, or equally curious about connecting with myself. I’d enjoy crowds, or special occasions, or total silence with only me. It wouldn’t really matter if I was with bunches of people, or alone.

I’d be loving my thoughts, wherever I was–with anyone.

When I need to leave, I do. When I love to stay, I do. When I’m all alone, it’s good. When I’m with others, it’s equally as good.

This is a never-ending development, and thrilling process.

I once was so introverted, my preference was to be entirely alone. Except not really–because I didn’t even like my own company a lot of the time. I suppose my preference was to not be wherever I was. LOL. It was misery.

Then, as I grew more comfortable with others, I grew more comfortable with myself. As I learned to take care of my own needs completely (I’m not saying I’m perfect at this) then my sense of trust for myself grew and I knew I couldn’t get “stuck” talking to anyone. I could come and go as truly needed, without fear of others’ opinions.

The strange thing is, when I feel really free to come and go without caring what anyone thinks or does or says or feels….I love going to gatherings with other people more and more. (And also, now that I think about it, loving silence more).

What do I really love more?

Wow. What I love more are my thoughts about what’s happening in my environment, with or without other people.

I see it could be just as true or truer that:

They’re looking at me and loving me
I’ll get free talking to someone annoying or scary
They will like me
The conversation or activity will be something I don’t understand! Yippee! Learning!
I won’t do or say anything that could cause them to dislike me

“Who would you be in people’s presence without, for example, the story that anyone should care about you, ever? You would be love itself. When you believe the myth that people should care, you’re too needy to care about people or about yourself. The experience of love can’t come from anyone else: it can come only from inside you.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 71

If you’d like to question your thoughts about other people of any kind (or ANY stressful thinking at all), join me in Summer Camp for The Mind. Summer Camp is a program of daily inquiry sessions, live, from July 6th – August 17th. We come together online to do this work by identifying and then questioning what’s true.

I used to want to do The Work alone only, or with just one partner….but to gather with others has been one of the greatest gifts.

And even if you don’t do anything formal with others, you could find one partner to facilitate you, or trade with, in looking closely at beliefs about people, about life, about reality.

Urgent! Urgent! This eating thing needs to change NOW NOW NOW!!

When it comes to compulsive behavior, our thoughts can get very extreme.

If this doesn’t end now (or very very soon) I will kill myself, I will go crazy, I can’t stand it, I can’t take it anymore.

These thoughts are horrifying or infuriating, and very painful.

I’ve thought them all.

From eating everything in sight, driving my car through a city through fast-food restaurants OR starving myself all day long OR pushing hard in exercise OR finding a new diet to follow….

….there was a constant effort to “solve” the problem of what was happening now.

Now was not good! (Look at this eating, look at this body, after all–see my proof?)

Somewhere else would definitely be better. I hate what is.

But can you absolutely know that’s true?

Perhaps life is unfolding at the perfect pace necessary for your own healing. Perhaps there is more to look at and know, and something occurring that is not on YOUR timeline.

Could it be OK that you haven’t healed before this moment now?

Today I share about this strange process of being willing for things to take the time they take, including healing from addictive or compulsive eating. (And it doesn’t mean you can’t stop eating today. You can.)

P.S. Four day Mental Spring Cleaning Retreat. We’ll be clearly identifying what’s felt so painful in our experience, and with the power of The Work of Byron Katie and our slowing down, we’ll discover answers that were waiting inside us the whole time. For more information visit HERE.

October 16, 2017

If you feel lame, it’s OK to have hope (+ Eating Peace new eBook)

Lately I’m doing a ton mega-work on looking at eating and compulsion (or really any addiction of any kind) issues.

My favorite!

(Haha, not really….well, OK, maybe now that I’ve investigated stories and beliefs, it really kinda is my favorite, but in the thick of it, not so much).

One thing I’ve realized in the experience of whatever addiction actually is…..it’s never hopeless.

Never, ever.

(News flash: if you’re interested in Eating Peace, you can download the new eating peace ebooklet with a seven-day-practice guide to daily steps to inquiry and peace: HERE.)

Once I had a young man come to work with me who felt excruciatingly fearful about avoiding drugs when he felt drawn to them, but also living his life each day in a new location where he didn’t know anyone, and no family was around.

He felt utterly hopeless one morning. Like he couldn’t leave his apartment. HOPELESS.

And yet, when we took at look at what actually happened, he left. He didn’t THINK he could leave, but he did. He called for help.

Something happened, then something else. Change unfolded.

It wasn’t entirely completely absolutely hopeless, even though he THOUGHT it was for awhile. (And I remember having this same kind of thought myself).

If you think it is hopeless, you can question this belief. It’s just a belief, an idea, thrown out by the mind.

Is it true?

I could never, even in the worst nightmare of addiction, find that it was absolutely true, without any doubt at all.

I lived.

Even if my mind was churning out devastated, furious, vicious thoughts about life, it was never true.

Thoughts like: you are all alone, you are a piece of shi*t, you are unloveable, the world is a terrible place, you’re a failure.

I mean, that thing can get nasty, right?

But who are you, without the belief you your situation is hopeless?

Your addictive pattern, your income, your location, your life…who would you be without the bitter thought that it’s hopeless?

Huh.

Without the thought?

I don’t even know what to say.

But it does make me pause a moment. Whatever “me” is. And whatever “pausing” is. And whatever “hope” is.

I can wonder….who would I be?

Sometimes this Question Four: who would you be without your story….is a strange act of imagination.

When you’re in the thick of fear and dread, you have no idea of the answer. And yet the mind can STILL WONDER who you’d be?

You might come up with possibilities, ideas, you might even be able to paint a picture of what Someone (not you) would be like without that dreadful story.

That’s YOUR mind, able to imagine and come up with answers.

You’re good at the opposite, dark, haunting, violent, horror imagined stories….why not use your imagination for a little of the opposite for once?

Just saying.

Turning the thought around: it’s hopeful. It’s not hopeless.

Whatever “hope” is, is not actually required (the biggest turnaround). My thinking is hopeless….not me, not the world, not everything in my life. Hope is not a “thing” and not even important.

Oooh.

That’s true.

Can you find examples, no matter how small, of how things are rather hopeful around here? Or how whatever they are, hope isn’t needed?

Yes.

Autumn late afternoon sun beaming on fresh green wet grass. Wild bunnies racing down the road to escape the car. Traffic sounds from rush hour people driving from work. Silence in the evening air.

People I worked with today feeling different than they felt last week when we met. Two days from now, all the people coming for retreat here in Seattle–everyone coming to join with me (amazing) to question thoughts, and change our world.

I took a tour of the retreat house I’ll be teaching at two evenings from now. I was so grateful for the beauty of the place, how gorgeous it’s set up. The location is stunning, and it supports the process of inquiry. Almost no profit for this retreat, due to expenses.

But hopeful?

Why not. And right now, what’s true is quiet tapping of fingers on keyboard. No retreat in sight. Beautiful kitchen table. Friendly laptop. Pretty pink phone. Calendar open to November since that’s the next time I can make any client appointments.

This moment, glorious.

“Hope means intentionally using the idea of a future to keep you from experiencing the present. It’s a crutch, but if you feel lame, use it.” ~ Byron Katie

Hope is not required for happiness right now, I notice. Strange, but true.

And, I can open up to hope, if I feel lame, like I’m limping, like I’m not making it, like I keep dropping into my addictions, like I fall in the hole 50 times a day.

Then maybe the future looks better. But right now? Maybe it’s not as bad as you think. No, really.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Last minute thought to join retreat? You’d be welcome. Reply to this Grace Note. Join us–4 days in The Work.

P.P.S. If you have special interest in ending eating battles of any kind–obsessing about food, body, weight, exercise–then download this guide and let me know if it’s helpful. I’d really love to know. Download it HERE. Share it with others who you think would benefit.

February 20, 2017

Inquiry: letting your grown up out

Slow down. Let your feelings show you your stressful thoughts. Do The Work….Ahhhhh.

From time to time, someone I do The Work with says something like this:

“I don’t know what I’m thinking. I just feel awful. I wake up anxious. I overeat. I drink. I smoke. I have a dull job. I’m not sure what I’m doing in my life….How do I do The Work on all this?”

LOL. (Kind of. I know it’s not that funny when you’re in it).

I love how the mind looks at “all this” (your entire life) and keeps things foggy, uncertain, unclear. Awareness is in a holding pattern of…..“I have no idea what’s going on, I just feel bad. Gosh.”

One thing that can help if you’ve had this overwhelmed uncomfortable feeling, is to first, focus on one troubled feeling at a time.

For example, if someone says they feel anxious (I can relate as a former anxiety junkie) I might ask “What does that feeling look like? What color is it? Where does it land in the body? What’s the temperature? What’s the texture?”

As the person focuses on the feeling, they’re turning towards it, not away.

If they feel MORE anxious for a moment, and they start to feel pretty nervous, I might do The Work with them first on the belief “I am not safe.” Or “Feeling this isn’t safe.”

Is it true?

No.

Who would you be without this story you aren’t safe right now, feeling this feeling?

What’s the turnaround?

I am safe. Feeling this is safe.

And now….noticing you’re safe, if your feeling could speak, if you let it bring you the message it wants you to know, if you considered this feeling a gift rather than an enemy you need to get rid of….

….what does it have to say?

Sometimes, the awareness is instantly far more lazer sharp.

The other day, I watched my own mind follow this very inquiry, landing on the stressful belief.

My teenager daughter, off at college, is far less communicative than I anticipated. She rarely calls, she hardly ever texts, and I’m so curious about her daily life, her classes, her friends, who she’s meeting, what she’s learning, what she’s thinking about.

I have to wait, though.

Until a weekend break, or whenever she returns home.

I love her so much, and miss talking with her. I’m also awed by her independence and feisty strength. She’s not clingy, not needy, and has no desire for my opinion or consult. For now, this seems incredibly healthy and beautiful.

So the other night, I look at my phone before going to bed and realize this daughter, such a wonderful curiosity, called 45 minutes earlier.

Wow!

Even though it’s late and I was about to turn out the lights, I immediately return the call. (She naturally didn’t leave any message).

“Oh hi mom! I’m five minutes from home, just about to get off the bus!”

REALLY?!

She walks into the cottage moments later and I am so, so happy to see her. Big embrace. She’s doing a homework project, and since it’s a long weekend (Monday is a holiday) she’s home for 2 nights

Then, I say I don’t get why she didn’t let us know she was coming?

Her: I did let you know, jeez, I told you about this weeks ago!

Me: But I never knew you had actually decided to come, I had no idea. Plus I thought you said you were sick?

Her: Being sick has nothing to do with Not Coming, I only have a cold. I can’t believe you didn’t realize this, I told you I was coming, like, ten times.

Me: I didn’t know! You should communicate more clearly!

Her: I did!

Me: You didn’t!

(Variations on the theme You Did and You Didn’t ensue).

My daughter and I eventually go through texts on both our phones, and discover she never received a few important texts from me, and I thought her replies back were matching other completely different questions, and the whole misunderstanding and confusion was based on text and cell phone tech failure.

It’s like the Who’s On First Routine.

So we laugh, and embrace again and agree it’s late and time for sleep.

Especially because her step-dad and I are leaving in the morning at 6:30 am for an overnight in Canada, just over the border.

As we load our little carry-on bags into our car in the beautiful early morning, I’m aware my daughter is sleeping soundly in her bed.

She’s home.

And we are leaving.

How did this happen? If I had known, I would have stayed in town. Rats.

Anxious flutter. Images of her being alone all weekend in the house going here and there and me not getting to cross paths with her, see her, listen to her. I think about how beautiful she looked, coming into the house with her gorgeous dark brown hair and grey blue eyes, grey tights, cute polka dot skirt and black jacket.

On the car ride to the pier where we’re catching an early boat, I feel jumpy. We shouldn’t be going. I don’t care about this trip. I get seasick. This won’t be fun. I need a massage, not a holiday. There are too many people in this line (the boat is sold out). I can’t meditate. Complaining.

But then rather than skipping around to generalized complaint mode, finding something wrong with the moment and my feelings in addition to whatever else is in the environment, I stay with the feeling that’s anxious.

And then….the true stressful belief appears….*ping*:

I need more time with my daughter.

People think this all the time in a very deep and troubling way with someone who is dying, or a break-up, or when saying goodbye for a long period of time.

I need more time with them than I’m getting.

So let’s do The Work!

I need more time with her, Is that true?

Yes! So true! I can’t BELIEVE I’m traveling AWAY from her when I want to get to know her more and….

Stop. It’s a simple question. Can you KNOW this is absolutely true that you need more time with anyone?

No.

How do you react when you believe you need more time with her?

Choked up. Sad. Longing. Images of the future. Images of the past. Melancholy. I feel like turning around and to hell with the money my sweet husband spent to surprise me with two days away.

As I’m seeing the present moment, the gorgeous high cliffs of islands, the Puget Sound, the misty rain, the white choppy waves, the magnificence of where I am located….I dismiss it. I think Somewhere Else is better (at home with daughter).

So who would I be without this very stressful thought that being somewhere else is better than where I am, and I need more time over there?

Who would I be without the belief someone else’s company, another location, a different experience, more time with a person who is not here physically….is required for my happiness?

Woah.

Laughing. Laughing at the absurdity of it all. As if my thoughts had control of the universe. Noticing that with the thought, I’m missing the beauty of this location (except fortunately, not really).

Without the belief I need more time with someone else, I feel the glory of being alive and having eyes, ears, fingers, breath. I remember my father, who died quite young it seemed, and how doing The Work on his absence gave me the incredible gift of having him here in my heart at all times, and no dad to miss.

Without the thought that I need more time with my daughter, I simply sit here, noticing I adore her.

Turning the thought around:

I do not need more time with her.
She needs to spend more time with me.
I need more time with myself.
I need more time with what I’m spending time with (look around).

I don’t need more time with her, because I’m aware that even if she’s home, she has mega plans with other people. Not me.

She needs more time with me? Yes, as the kind, listening, adoring mother I am. I could go visit her soon, instead of waiting for her to come home.

I need more time with myself, with reality.

There is no requirement for time, I notice, in the universe. Time is limited in this physical body. Sometimes, humans are here for a very short time. Only months, or a few years. Sometimes, 19. Like my daughter.

I need more time with my own thoughts, with my feelings, with myself, with my environment.

Yes. I get to notice the splashing drops on the window, the great vast salt water sea, the low hum of this clipper ship motor, the snow capped mountains sharply rising off one side of the boat, my appreciation for remembering to take Dramamine (motion sickness medicine) which my husband kindly asked for.

I get to notice how very much I love this apparent daughter, and how it is right that we are independent beings. She should be able to easily live without me, and I without her. It doesn’t mean love between us isn’t just as vast as this ocean I’m sailing on.

“That nothing is static or fixed, that all is fleeting and impermanent, is the first mark of existence. It is the ordinary state of affairs. Everything is in process. Everything—every tree, every blade of grass, all the animals, insects, human beings, buildings, the animate and the inanimate—is always changing, moment to moment. We don’t have to be mystics or physicists to know this. Yet at the level of personal experience, we resist this basic fact. It means that life isn’t always going to go our way. It means there’s loss as well as gain…

If you’re going to be a grown-up—which I would define as being completely at home in your world no matter how difficult the situation—it’s because you will allow something that’s already in you to be nurtured.” ~ Pema Chodron

Your answers, already inside you.

Let the uncomfortable feeling lead the way to the thought lead the way to growing up lead the way back home.

Much love,

Grace

Upcoming Events, Click any link to read more:

Sunday Living Turnarounds Group 3-6 pm 2/26

March 18 East West Books Dissolving Eating or Body Image Issues with The Work 3-6 pm only $25

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Summer Camp for The Mind Virtual Daily Inquiry Jam 2017

February 15, 2017

You don’t have to like it….but it’s easier if you do.

The best fire alarm for stressed out feelings? The Work!

Urgent! Urgent!

(Listen, I hear the Foreigner song from 1981).

The feeling of needing to hurry, ASAP, is very stressful if you aren’t a rock band singing about it.

Running, pushing, moving fast.

The other day a lovely inquirer said she felt like it was an emergency to find peace. All caps I WANT TO DO THE WORK AND FIND PEACE NOW!

Everyone feels urgency sometimes. Quick, I gotta call that person. Quick, I gotta apologize. Quick, I gotta say the right thing. Quick, I gotta leave this place. Quick, I gotta get enlightenment. Quick, I gotta calm down. Quick, I gotta figure this out. Quick, I gotta get a job. Quick, I gotta get some money. Quick, I gotta get over there!

There’s a deep feeling when I’ve had this thought that I won’t survive! CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT!

It has to happen YESTERDAY. Or else.

Or else what? What is it that will die? What’s the worst that could happen?

I once had a man I was dating who I didn’t know extremely well, who I was pretty sure wasn’t a good match. He could feel the distance through our phone conversations. I was anxious about his neediness.

The next day, he showed up in my city after taking an emergency-type last-minute flight. I couldn’t see him. One of my kids was sick at home and I felt like distancing from what felt….frantic.

I felt scared of the intensity of it all. And sorry for him and for myself. Yikes.

The thing you see that needs to happen…..it HAS TO. NOW!!!

I remember this feeling when my house might have foreclosed if I didn’t come up with a payment within a few days.

Must. Happen. Immediately.

Are you sure?

Oh. Wow. Um. It seemed like an emergency. But right at this exact moment in time I’m aware I’m breathing, there’s a ceiling and a floor, and warmth, and I’m actually OK.

So no, it’s not true.

But I’m sure it WILL be true! Soon! (Now, now, keep going).

How do you react when you believe something has to happen immediately, including finding peace or enlightenment?

I notice an intense feeling of crunching down within, a tightness, lots of adrenaline and speed rushing through the body. A shrieking voice inside that’s terrified.

I can’t sleep, I feel like I can’t think straight (it’s true, I’m thinking crookedly all bent up around fear).

I treat anyone else who’s frantic like they need to be avoided.

So who or what would I be without this stressful lie that the thing Must Happen Now?

Sometimes, I’ve had the thought if I let go of this belief, I’ll lie down on the floor in a puddle and no longer try. I’ll give up in despair. Even if the thought is extremely frightening that the thing I want to happen must happen right now….I can’t give it up! Otherwise it will never, ever happen ever.

Ahhh, that tricky mind encouraging you to stay in the thought and not wonder about what really, really would happen if you weren’t thinking something ELSE must happen ASAP than what IS happening.

Who would you be, for example, without the thought you must stop feeling anxious RIGHT NOW (hear finger snapping)!?!

For me, I’d notice the sensations called “anxiety”. I’d allow them to be in the room with me, in my body here. I’d let things be as they are, like watching a rain storm or thunder and lightening. The wind is blowing….let it blow (I notice I have no control over it anyway).

Without the belief something must happen, or stop, or change instantly….I notice something here relaxes.

And then relaxes a little more.

There’s a bit of space around the edges. The thing I’m nervous about isn’t as awful and big as before.

I definitely don’t feel like escaping, either. There’s no thought about eating, drinking, smoking, doing, internetting, TV watching, planning my escape, spending, making arrangements stressfully. I’m just here.

Ahhhhhhh.

Turning the thought around: Nothing needs to happen differently, or immediately, or on my preferred timing. What’s happening is just right.

Oh.

You mean I don’t need peace right now in this instance?!

What are the examples that I don’t?

Breathing. Typing. Going to the store. Lying still. Meditating. Picking up the phone. Sending an email. Going to the gym. Talking to my mom. Getting dressed. Everything happening, unfolding, nothing “dangerous” occurring. Even with nervous energy or uncomfortable feelings, all is well.

I hear rain pouring outside right now, and I’m not “against” it. I’m inside in a brightly lit cozy winter cottage. The sound is actually beautiful of the rain on the roof. Perhaps I could see this feeling of anxiety coursing through me like rain on the roof. Something natural, exciting, pattering. Something that comes bearing a gift.

Turning it around again: My thoughts are urgent. My thinking needs “x” right now (like peace). And only my thoughts. Nothing else is really an emergency at all. My THOUGHTS must happen immediately.

I like how Byron Katie says, if you looked in a basket of thoughts, you’d see air. Nothing. Thoughts are only…..thoughts. You don’t have to believe them.

How could it be a good thing this is unfolding in its own timing (not mine) and I am not the one in charge? How could it be a wonderful gift to not demand that anything be different than it is, in this moment?

Jeez. You’re getting carried away with this whole thing….now this is pretty extreme. A GOOD thing that it’s not happening, there are no guarantees, and life doesn’t appear to be concerned with urgency about this topic?

Wow.

I notice the lightness of not being the one who has to worry, force, push, control, make-happen, charge ahead.

In fact….what a surprise.

The inner anxiety appears to have passed on by now. Feelings did not require action, apparently.

Just like a wound healing, or the sun coming up on Reality’s timing, can I trust what’s going on here, without trying to control the outcome?

Ha ha! Yes.

“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it….it’s just easier if you do.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

November 15, 2016

Danger, danger…but are you sure your thoughts are true?

eyescloseddeepseriousthought — Who would you be, in that serious situation, without the belief you’re in danger? Could you be supported?

Today is the anniversary of my father’s death.

It was a very long time ago, and I’m so used to living without him being physically present in my life, there is no dreadful pain about his absence.

But it wasn’t always this way.

When he first got diagnosed with incurable, terminal cancer, a wave went driving through me of deep fear, anguish, and grief.

It was terrible, horrible news.

I was filled with dread.

In Year of Inquiry we’re really diving deep in our third month together into some great and profound questions, related to fear.

I remembered vividly, when I heard someone else’s work on the fear they had for their own child’s safety….

….the fear I felt when I learned my father was going to die.

Worrying about someone else is so stressful.

But here’s what I absolutely love about inquiry. It can open up your mind to seeing clearly, and seeing beyond the fear.

What is safety? Why do I feel so unsafe, in this situation? What am I expecting of myself, or of others, or of life….when I think it’s threatening?

And hey, wait a minute!

Where did I get this idea anyway, that something’s OFF and unsafe or dangerous?

Is it this situation, or Reality, that is off? Or my thinking?

We know intellectually that Byron Katie and other thought leaders and spiritual teachers are offering perspective on this whole “mind” and “thinking” thing, right?

Katie suggests our thinking is the cause of suffering, not the actual conditions of reality. She invites us to look, over and over, as a practice.

“Nothing terrible has ever happened, except in our thinking. Reality is always good, even in situations that seem like nightmares. The story we tell is the only nightmare that we have lived.” ~ Byron Katie

Holy Smokes….let’s test it out.

Let’s look at this very common and VERY troubling belief: I am not safe.

Notice you can only think you should be experiencing something different, this “safe” thing, if you believe you aren’t and it’s bad, bad, bad.

I am not safe (TERRIBLE)!

Is it true?

To really dig into this inquiry as you read, find a situation in which you felt unsafe. Emotionally, physically, spiritually–whatever your circumstance.

Is it true, you’re in danger?

Yes!

I remember the circumstances, many of them, when I felt unsafe.

The doctor is telling me the tumor on my leg is cancer. I’m in full-stop traffic miles away, with my 5 year old standing in the rain in the dark by himself, waiting. I’m reading an alarming text. I’m reading an email that says someone’s coming over NOW and they are desperate. I’m hearing a phone message where someone implies I’m a liar, and another phone message where someone says I’m not being a good friend.

I learn someone very close to me (like my dad) are very sick or going to die. I’m suddenly at the scene of a car accident right after it happened. I can’t reach the man I have a crush on, he’s not ever calling me back. I open the trunk of my car and see it’s empty–all my luggage has been stolen.

Not safe! Surely!

You are not safe.

Is it absolutely true for all time, beyond all doubt?

I pause, wondering about this moment, holding still.

Astonishingly, I notice I can’t know it’s absolutely true I am not safe. Even though I just injured myself, even though someone I love just received a diagnosis, even though my stuff is apparently gone (stolen) and I feel energy coursing through me. I can’t absolutely know I am not safe.

Wow.

How do you react when you believe “this is a threat, I am not safe, this is dangerous”?

I clench up tight. I stop breathing deeply. I want to quit everything, why bother trying in this dangerous world? I see pictures of how things will go (badly) and terrible scenes I imagine for the future, and sad memories from the past. I attack myself, or I attack the attackers in my mind.

I condemn nervousness or anxiety as bad and wrong, and I act tough. I avoid any place or any person who threatens me. THEY are the one making me feel this terrible feeling of danger, after all.

I treat myself like I’m meek and tiny, and unable to handle these feelings or this threat. I run.

So who would you be without this thought, this story of the lack of safety? What if you didn’t know this person, this situation, was dangerous?

Some people think, with this question….my God, I’d be crazy! I’d be walking right into something without fear, and not even know it.

Bingo.

And this isn’t about being passive, or being stupid and defying gravity or something.

You can still follow traffic rules, make lists of pros and cons for spending money, notice you drop everything and leave your house when you learn your kid has a broken wrist at school.

But you’re taking action without terror. You’ve moved, without personally believing it MUST go a certain way, or else.

You do the most efficient, kind, loving thing. That’s who you are, without panic. Someone who cares. Someone who moves to help, if you’re able.

I once remember Katie facilitating someone through their thought “I’m afraid of the cancer in my body!”

She asked the person; “Do you think the cancer is more likely to go away…if you hate it and fear it, or you don’t mind it’s there?”

Hmmm.

Without the belief that I’m threatened…..WOW. I’m wondering where this is going? I’m open. I’m stepping forward, even if it’s in the dark. I’m feeling about, I’m curious, even excited.

Even about the Big Fears, like death and loss and change.

Turning the thought around: I am not threatened in this situation, I am not in danger, I am safe.

Could this be just as true, or truer?

What part of you is OK?

I notice, I’m alive, I’m unhurt physically, I thought I was threatened but actually I only read words, or heard words. Bodies are temporary, and some last longer than others. Things are temporary, too.

Without the belief that I’m unsafe, as I hear troubling news from someone else, I might just sit, stay connected to the person, notice I have only kindness to offer and speaking isn’t necessary.

Turning it around even further: I am supported, all is well, everything is not only OK but brilliant, loving, wonderful.

I know that sounds a bit over the top, considering some of the human situations we find ourselves in. I’m not saying I’d be happy in some very grave, shocking news.

And yet….who knows what is possible?

I notice I would live, even if my child died. I notice I lived, even though my father did die. I notice I’m sitting in a very quiet room, with a heater humming hot air into the space, and a beautiful orange lamp shining, with a cup of peppermint tea and some apple slices sitting within reach. It is extremely safe.

It is as if, right now in this very moment, nothing terrible HAS ever happened, unless I remember or think about it.

It is true that I am only threatened if I THINK.

What I notice, too, is when I was in very apparently dangerous situations, I did not actually “think”.

Thinking happened afterwards. I took in what was happening, I moved, I ducked, I ran, I waited, I showed up, I left.

Who was I without my story?

Life in action. Human, being itself.

Human learning something different. Human discovering what it’s like to not believe it’s thoughts.

Human living with no requirements, conditions, demands (except in thought)….or true lack of safety, ever.

Human spinning through space on a small planet called earth, here for a few seconds by comparison to Reality.

Here, noticing what is sweet and lovely, and bitter and difficult, and noticing I’m not running this joint.

Thank God.

“The Master acts without doing anything and reaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.” ~ Tao Te Ching #2 (Translated by Stephen Mitchell)

Much love,

Grace

P.S. If you notice anxiety, fear, nerves, emptiness, boredom, anger when it comes to eating, food and body….I’m offering a MasterClass on Wednesday, November 23rd 1:00-2:30 pm. Eating Peace: How To Question Your Thoughts That Drive Off-Balance Eating. Register here.

June 15, 2016

She might hurt me….

journal — Step One in moving towards peace: Find the situation, and write very honestly about what happened, your beliefs, unedited.

In Year of Inquiry we’re ramping it up this month as we ponder what the worst thing is, what’s threatening, when situations occur we don’t like.

Someone had a great situation yesterday in telegroup.

A person being mean, nasty, disloyal, gossipy, critical.

I could see someone in my mind who I’ve worried about being critical. Could they snap at any moment and call the newspapers and start talking about me and what a bad, imperfect person I am?

What if someone’s scheming to take me down? Even if I can’t find anything wrong I’ve done?

It’s a strange, nervous, anxiety-producing feeling that someone could hurt me for no reason, at any moment. It happens in the movies. It happens in Shakespeare plays.

Betrayal. Shock. Mistaken identity. Stabbed in the back.

If you’ve ever been involved in a situation where someone DID surprise you, even way back in childhood, you might have some lingering waves of uncertainty about humans and what they’re capable of. Maybe a sense of needing to be very careful, walk on eggshells, and make sure you don’t disappoint anyone.

The thing is, it’s really difficult being so careful.

You lose your spontaneity, your sense of joy and relaxation. Maybe you react by staying home, hiding in a sense your true feelings, not expressing what you really think, or feel. Maybe you cut that person off and never talk to them.

The best way I know how to work with this sense of impending doom, or someone reacting to you in a disturbing way, is to go to where it already happened in the past.

Even if you observed it, and you yourself weren’t the target of someone’s anger, upset, hatred or fear.

As the group moved through inquiry on the phone together, I distinctly pictured one person who I could imagine feeling angst, disappointment, anger or sadness with me.

But why? What was my evidence? What is my memory, my situation, where I got wind of the possibility of her not being loyal or supportive or caring for me?

It wasn’t so obvious, because there wasn’t a clear “betrayal” moment. Yet, as I stayed in contemplation about this person from my history, scanning the moments of “proof” for why I might feel cautious of her….

….I could see a fleeting sentence written in email come to mind. A sentence she wrote to me after I told her something she didn’t like hearing–that I didn’t want to talk with her and hash out or process further what had gone on between us. I felt like it was said, and said again, and silence for awhile was the next best step. We could revisit it later, regroup after some time went by.

She said something, in reply to my request for letting things rest awhile, like “sometimes actions you take produce karma you may not like”.

I suddenly realized, in that tiny memory of a sentence written, that I worried it was a threat. I better watch out. I better be nicer. I better say “yes” and not “no”. I’m doing it wrong. She’s disappointed with me. Uh oh.

In that awareness, I see I’ve got my moment, my situation.

Good. I can write down my thoughts, starting with the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. I can stay very close and connected to my experience of reading words. It’s OK if I don’t even remember exactly what the words said. My thoughts and beliefs are alive and present. My feelings are stressed.

I know what to do with them. The Work.

Much love,

Grace

October 7, 2014

Eating Peace: Being Afraid of Feeling Afraid Can Make You Eat

This is what it used to be like….

I’m watching the time tick by. It’s 4:15 pm. Every few minutes I glance up over the cubicles in the office where I work to the distant white clock with black numbers hanging on the wall.

Click, click. Wait. Click, click. Wait.

Maybe I can get out of here early, just slide out at 4:50 pm, and no one will notice.

No. Better stay.

I would hate to have a boss or manager walk by and see my chair empty. They’d think I was irresponsible, they’d be disappointed, they’d wonder what was going on. I need to follow the rules.

I feel bad because I made a mistake last week, and it was discovered by the business manager. A check went out to pay a bill and it was for the wrong amount.

I’m such an idiot!

She was so mean to me the way she confronted me about the error. Her tone was so vicious.

I should get a new job. I could just leave today, and never return. Who cares? If this is what it’s like to work 8-5 then it’s not worth it. I refuse to be a cog in the machine, a rat on a spinning wheel!

But if I quit, I’ll have no rent money, no health insurance. I’ll have to move back into my parent’s house. I’d be a worse failure than I am already. I hate looking for new jobs.

I am not free.

5:00 pm. I gather my things and race out of the building to my car.

Behind the wheel, it feels quieter.

I’ve escaped the building. A few hours this evening of open-ended time. A few hours where I don’t have to worry about my supervisor asking me any questions.

I should go running, I should go to the gym, I should go to that meditation group, I should change the oil in my car, I should read that self-help book before it’s due back at the library, I should see what jobs are open for application, I should re-do my resume, I should look at grad programs, I should enroll in that personal development success program, I should be doing more in my life, I should be a better person, I should, I should, I should….

….eat.

Suddenly I’m picturing food.

I could get any kind of food I want. I could eat anything, absolutely anything. I can pick ANYTHING I WANT!!!

The next few hours were lost in the fog of eating, rushing, numbing.

Bummer.

What I never realized, because I was vibrating at such a highly anxious level, was how my mind got so freaked out with all the unresolved, fearful thoughts….

….it felt like I was about to explode.

What I didn’t let myself even realize were all the thoughts and feelings that were practically ready to burst out of me:

I can’t do anything right
having a job is too hard, life it too hard
I should never make mistakes
other people are disappointed in me
I’m terrified
I must be some kind of messed up person to be so nervous about something so trivial
the world is a difficult place

Being afraid of being afraid was so deep, I smashed the feeling of fear down and switched channels, ASAP, to getting the fear out of me by eating.

Quick!

Who would I be without the thought that eating would make things better right now?

Sheer beyond-control icy emptiness, sadness, isolation.

It would make things worse, if I didn’t have the thought that food will help. I absolutely have to have food.

Wait.

Right?

What if you stopped for a second, right in that MUST-HAVE-NOW moment. Even if it’s not a full-fledged binge, and you’re more the graze-eater type….

….who would you be if it was SAFE to not eat right now?

Who would you be if it was absolutely completely whole-heartedly safe to feel lonely, bored, isolated, small or worried you did something wrong?

Who would you be if in that moment, the universe was not cruel, or even difficult?

Here’s a little special piece of magic I love to use in this art of healing a compulsion that feels so strong and intense, like eating, when you’re in that eating trance like a zombie:

Say to yourself “lie down!”

If you can actually lie down, then do it.

It would be a little weird if you were in a grocery store, or driving your car…but you can do it on a “magic” level, like a part of you hears this command, this encouragement, and it can follow this wisdom.

Lie down.

Pick yourself up and cradle yourself like you are a little baby. Rock yourself like you’re a toddler who was screaming in pain. Hold all those panicking thoughts gently, like they have something to say, instead of dismissing them all or hating them all.

You don’t actually even have to cry, or scream, all you have to do is lie down as that urge is hooking you….tell the frightened part of you to lie down.

Tell your thoughts to lie down.

If you really can lie down….go do it.

Find the couch, the bed, the floor and lie horizontal, close your eyes, breathe deeply and feel the support of everything holding you up on this planet.

Notice you are not getting wiped of the face of the earth, you are not getting struck by lightening, you are not fired, you are not hated, air is going inside your lungs, your heart is beating, you are safe.

You are safe.

All those terrible things that are possible, and running like crazy in the mind.

Have them all lie down for a second, like you have a gym full of 600 kindergartners and they are playing a game where when you say “lie down” over the loud speaker, they actually do it…because it’s fun.

You ARE free.

That’s the turnaround. You are safe, you are free. You can do nothing, you can just stop. You don’t need to escape.

Relax, relax, relax.

“I can go anywhere without the fear of being discovered, I can join anyone in their painful belief, because I have gone to the depths of my own painful beliefs. I have questioned them and seen them vanish like dreams. I have looked the monster straight in the eyes and seen only a child asking for my love.” ~ Byron Katie

We’ll be practicing LIE DOWN as one of the tools in Eating Peace, a 3 month program of recovery from being at war with food, eating or your body…..which is officially open for registration next week (even though five people are already registered)!

I’m only taking a small group. We start Sunday at 8:30 am Pacific time, October 26th.

This program will offer years of investigating this incredible dynamic, that I thought would kill me, to be honest (my relationship with food) and how I turned it into a relationship of love…a doorway to spirit.

This program is not only doing The Work. We’ll also bring many other simple but incredibly powerful practices into our process….like LIE DOWN.

These are living turnaround practices I’ve discovered along the way. Ways to feel free, feel safe, feel present here and now, whether hungry, craving, scared, anxious, tired, full or whatever the feelings are.

Most importantly….one of our practices will be to notice when we’re afraid of feeling something big. Whether anger, sadness, fear, or stress of any kind.

Turn it all around, all of it.

I am doing everything right
having a job is easy, life is easy
I should always make mistakes
other people are encouraged in me
I’m not terrified, only my thinking is terrified
I must be some kind of amazing person to be so nervous about something so fundamental to life
the world is a wonderful place

Who would you be without the belief that feeling intensely is dangerous?

My answer?

I found I wasn’t hungry for food anymore. Ever.

Ready to join Eating Peace? Read more details and sign up by clicking HERE.

Much love, Grace

August 10, 2013

Being Responsible Doesn’t Have To Be Scary

Yesterday afternoon I noticed little a little flutter in my torso as I thought about hosting a 4 hour retreat, something I’ve done many times before now.

I’ll never forget one of the first retreats I ran. After I had greeted a few of the first guests, ready for an all-day intensive learning and doing The Work, I happened to step in to my bedroom to get a pen.

I looked at myself in the mirror and saw two humongous, and I mean HUGE wet circles of sweat spanning out from my underarms, darkening my shirt.

I gasped, and immediately changed my top.

Getting ready to be the facilitator for something, or start a new class, to take the role of leader or point person or teacher…can, shall we say, heighten personal energy.

OK, we can call it nervousness, anxiousness, anticipation.

For some people, just raising their hand in a group to speak is terrifying!

Sometimes I’ve had the oddest experience of adrenaline zapping through me when overall, I felt as if all was incredibly well.

Like, right when I get the impulse to raise my hand and ask a question in front of 500 people.

Other times, sharing, speaking, or singing in front of a big crowd is like laughing with a small group of friends, so simple.

But one thing I have discovered is that being responsible for the FUTURE is part of the requirement for nervous anxiety:

I hope the event will go beautifully
I want everyone to learn, receive, gain something, like it
They should enjoy themselves, have a powerful experience
I should make a difference, I should make an impact
But I shouldn’t be too intense, I should be easy to approach
Everything needs to go well
Nothing bad or uncomfortable or difficult should happen
No one should feel disappointed
Everyone should feel pleased and happy when its over

As soon as I start to list out the stressful thoughts, even blow them up into proportions that are clearly too big for this situation, they all kind of seem…..

…..silly.

Well, CRAZY!

With this list going, the Comforting Voice might start chattering “no no, there’s nothing to worry about here, just do your best, be yourself, everything will go however it needs to go, all is well and you know it”….

The thing is, when that voice enters that’s trying to soothe the anxiety or tell you to stop worrying, it doesn’t always work.

Have you ever had a close friend, a spouse, or a parent tell you in the middle of feeling huge nervousness “QUIT WORRYING” ?

So the mental activity is there volleying back and forth between feeling nervous and responsible for EVERYTHING, and trying to calm down.

Remember, the mind is exceptionally dramatic.

A little passing example: Knowing I had this workshop to run, when my refrigerator stopped working for about an hour last night, inside my head I was ready to call the fire department.

I have a very good friend who is racing today in a long and grueling bike competition.

She texted me last night that she just wished the race was starting NOW, she couldn’t stand the waiting, she hated all the nervous tension in her stomach 24 hours before.

So…..we see what happens in the body, in the mind, when we’re believing that something really, really, really, really has to go well and that we are partly or entirely responsible for the outcome.

We’re nervous wrecks!

Who would we be without the thought that we’re responsible for things going well?

“It you mistreat an animal, it becomes afraid. This is what has happened to your psyche. You have mistreated it by giving it a responsibility that is incomprehensible. Just stop for a moment and see what you have given your mind to do. You said to your mind, ‘I want everyone to like me. I don’t want anyone to speak badly of me. I don’t want anything to happen that I don’t like. And I want everything to happen that I do like.’ And then you said, “Now, mind, figure out how to make every one of these things a reality, even if you have to think about it day and night.’ And of course your mind said ‘I’m on the job. I will work on it constantly.” ~ Michael Singer

Who would you be without a future that needed to be fabulous?

What if you are not responsible for a good, perfect, blissful outcome?

Even for your entire life?

Without the thought that I have to make it good for other people, and good for me, and good for the universe…..

….I am so free, it’s an amazing spark of the most alive peace, right here in the present moment.

Total relief.

I may picture the future, but it is with unknowing and joy and space, excitement, wonder.

Relaxation. Simpleness.

“I’m talking about not resisting, not grasping, not getting caught in hope and in fear, in good and in bad, but actually living completely.” ~ Pema Chodron

Right now I am noticing colors, tapping fingers on laptop, warm summer air, still body, breathing, happiness.

Love, Grace

P.S. Three classes starting in September: One Year of Inquiry begins September 13th 5:15 pm PT (3 telegroups per month), 8 week teleclass Relationship Hell To Heaven Sept 12th 8 – 9:30 am PT , AND 6 week teleclass Pain, Sickness and Death Sept 13th 10-11:30 am PT.