Month: July 2014

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Road Trip! But I’ll Still Be With You!

The magnificent Serenity Retreat is solidifying. Some incredible people are attending. Please visit my newly updated page to read about what’s being offered for this very high-end intensive in November 2014.

The fee is $12,997 but you’ll be quite astonished at what this includes and who you’ll get to rub elbows with. Take a look.

We’ll dive into inquiry and swim….coming out the other side with a new look at our own leadership of our lives, and what’s next.

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Today, I’m on my way to Ca-li-for-ni-ay! Road trip!

I will be in silent retreat with a small group very soon. But believe it or not, I plan on writing Grace Notes this time every night.

Because they are like my own meditative inquiry process, and I love sharing with you.

Here’s a few pics from the recent Breitenbush retreat.

I hope you’ll join me for a class soon (see the colored list below after my signature) or the Meetup The Work of Byron Katie North Seattle on July 26th from 2-4 pm at the Lake Forest Park Library (google meetup.com and RSVP).

   

Much love,
Grace
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The Clean Room Fights

Just the other day in Summer Camp, a mom read a worksheet on her screaming, upset six year old.

Some of my favorite worksheets for myself have been the ones I wrote on my kids, especially my daughter.

Sometimes, it would feel like this incredible child was my guru of all gurus, the teacher who was knocking to my knees.

Kids are so great that way.

They stick around, they live with you or are there a whole lot of the time on a regular basis. No getting away from it.

And you don’t want to, not at all.

Recently my 17 year old daughter was away on a trip with her dad and brother. I went into her room to find something….

….and saw the clothes all over the floor, the clothes on the bed from when she had been packing her suitcase, the piles of things on her desk, her wardrobe doors opened with stuff spilling out.

I spontaneously started cleaning it up. I had seen it before, it had been like this for months, my mind had some chatter stirred up about lack of cleaning and messiness and blah-blah-blah but I felt energy, action.

I love turning dirty-ness to clean-ness.

It was fun.

Now, that’s not the “difficult” part of the story.

Fast forward to her arrival back home, just the other day.

She marches in to my bedroom where I’ve been working. She is furious.

“Where is my wallet?!!! It was on the floor in the exact place I always put it–you moved it!!” Frustrated eyes looking at me.

Pause, breathe, hold it…no wait…no, don’t go there. Wait…oh no!

Yep. I did it.

Me: “Well, if you had cleaned up your room beFORE then I wouldn’t have HAD to do it and then YOU would know where your wallet was!”

Her: “You move things around every time and I HATE it!”

Me: “You are so disrespectful!! I cleaned your room up and you should appreciate it!!”

I said it pretty loud.

OK, it’s called yelling.

She started crying.

Instant softening of my body, a sort of collapse down, awareness that I have hurt my kid, that I snapped, was impatient, felt furious.

I quick sat up, opened my arms up to her, and said “I am so sorry I just got so mad at you. I was so happy doing that job, and I love the way it looks now, and I thought you would like it too instead of getting upset you can’t find something.”

Now a key underlying belief in this kind of exchange, once you do The Work on “she should appreciate what I’ve done for her” (not) is to look at this one, which can be very insidious and very painful:

I shouldn’t get angry.

Seems true, right?

I should be tolerant, patient, confident, loving, kind, powerful, clear and direct at all times with my kids. I should never be triggered and turn into a brat myself. I should be mature.

Is that true?

Well, yeah. Duh!

Can you absolutely know that it’s true?

No. There are, apparently, thousands and millions of parents who are not tolerant, patient, confident or grown up with their kids. Apparently on planet earth, mothers, including me, get angry and fed up sometimes.

How do you react when you believe you shouldn’t snap, throw your hands in the air, feel pushed to the limit, or get angry?

I feel very bad. Depressed. Quiet.

I see images of how my dad used to feel so upset with himself when he got angry and raised his voice, which was only about once a year, maybe. He would leave the house for hours. It was like he committed a major crime.

I feel frightened of how my kid sees me, how others might see me, I feel ashamed.

But who would you be without the belief that you shouldn’t get angry, and you feel bloody angry?!

Now that’s different. Without shame about actually feeling anger, or rage, I allow it to run through my body. I notice how much I care about this situation, about myself, about my daughter.

I actually feel excited.

This anger is alive, powerful, like a burning flame. It crashes through me and I notice how I’m absolutely madly in love with my daughter even when angry with her. I see how I don’t want to hurt her at all, and she doesn’t want to hurt me either.

I relax completely around her needing to like a clean room. I notice that I love clean rooms, but its not a requirement that anyone else, or that she, loves them.

I should get angry.

There’s a message in this passionate surge of feeling. It’s beautiful, striking, wild, big. I seem to care about this. A lot.

I should notice how much I love clean rooms, I can respect myself in this conversation, I can have great compassion for a moment when a wallet seems lost, I can ask what it’s like for her, we can brainstorm from here where the wallet might be, I do not need her appreciation, I need to appreciate myself, and appreciate her.

All in a burst it’s over. She suddenly remembers where her wallet is (not in her room) and goes to find it.

Even if I don’t like that I felt so at war, hostile, defensive or upset in that flash of a moment…I appreciate the presence of the swift, powerful energy of anger.

I’m still learning today, because it was present.

I notice I love the story of passion, energy, change, revolution.

“What is this inner revolution? To begin with, revolution is not static; it is alive, ongoing, and continuous. It cannot be grasped or made to fit into any conceptual model. Nor is there any path to this inner revolution, for it is neither predictable nor controllable and has a life all its own.” ~ Adyashanti

Feeling angry doesn’t mean you have to hurt, break, punch or harm anyone. It’s just a feeling.

You’re not wrong to have it.

And then from this point, you can see what else is true, and take the most balanced, jedi, powerful path with your passion. Maybe anger is love in disguise.

And we’re taking off the costume here, and seeing what’s real and what’s left.

Wow do I ever love that kid.

Much love, Grace

 

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The Dreadful Mistake You May Be Making About Your Enemy

Quite some time ago, I had a very dear friend who surprised me by something she did.

In a bad way.

Like a scene from a great Shakespeare tragedy, she misunderstood something about me and assumed the worst and decided the best way to handle it was to never speak to me again, without explanation or confrontation, and then get vicious.

She shouldn’t think I’m a dishonest person.

Is that true?

Yes! Yes! I am totally honest! She is WRONG about me! She got some kind of twisted, unclear information and…

Wait.

Answer the question.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that someone shouldn’t think poorly of you? Really?

No. People are allowed to think what they think. I have no idea why this unusual and strange situation appeared. It did.

How do you react when you believe that someone has the wrong idea about you? Or a completely distorted, maybe disturbed view of you?

I want to fix it! This is where the phrase comes from “I must clear my good name!”

I mean….people die in the movies clearing OTHER peoples’ good names, so I definitely need to prove mine. Right?

Inside, with this thought, is a feeling of deep sadness. Puzzled. Thinking “what did I do to make such a weird idea come out of her? Maybe I should have done it differently!”

Defensive, confused.

The urge to be thought well of, especially when someone appears to be saying things that aren’t even true, is strong. I feel separate from that other person, who seems to have gone a little nuts, or isn’t seeing things “right”.

Sigh.

Now the grand question….who would you be without the belief that someone shouldn’t think you are dishonest (or whatever you think they are thinking)?

As you hold that dear person’s face in your mind and heart, even if they’ve said terrible and mean things about you…who would you be right now if you couldn’t even have the thought that it’s a problem?

It’s not denial I’m talking about. It’s relaxing, in the presence of something that appears to be an attack.

Stepping to the side.

Laying down your defensive arms.

“So when you find yourself in a dark place where you’ve been countless, countless times, you can think maybe it’s time to get a little golden spade and dig myself out of this place.” ~ Pema Chodron

As Pema Chodron’s teacher, Chogyam Trungpa, Rinpoche, said to her when she said she felt angry, depressed, and unhappy one day:

“You find yourself lying on the bottom of the ocean with your face in the sand, and even though all the sand is going up your nose and into your mouth and your eyes and ears, you stand up and you begin walking again. Then the next wave comes and knocks you down. The waves just keep coming, but each time you get knocked down, you stand up and keep walking. After a while, you’ll find that the waves appear to be getting smaller.”

Without the belief that someone should think better of me than they do, I notice the waves feel smaller.

In fact, I notice that in this room, in this moment as I remember my friend, there aren’t any waves.

I can think of her with great appreciation for how much fun we used to have, our long and thorough conversations, the sweet connection we had for about four years.

Turning the thought around: “she should think I’m dishonest.”

How is that good for me, for the world, that she thinks what she thinks?

Well, partly because of her assumptions, I retraced my steps and found I had done everything perfectly, by the book (and I didn’t even know it!) when it came to my career.

I have more free time, not getting together with her. I don’t like to spend money on restaurant food very much, or be around people who drink a lot of alcohol, so that’s eliminated.

And dishonest? I’ve withheld how I truly feel a thousand times to others, I’ve pretended I was sick to get out of doing something, I’ve made myself out to be less fearful than I really am.

I shouldn’t think she’s a dishonest person.

Oh. Wow.

She’s doing the best she can. Everyone is. I don’t know what’s going on over there, with her.

My perception of her is actually inside ME. It’s ME that’s got a trigger of sadness and upset at being thought poorly of….I haven’t talked with her in ages.

“You will be surprised to find that in most situations there’s nothing to deal with except for your own fears and desires. Fear and desire make everything seem so complicated. If you don’t have fear or desire about an event, there’s really nothing to deal with. You simply allow life to unfold and interact with it in a natural and rational manner.” ~ Michael Singer

I notice that when I’m believing I know what someone else should be thinking or feeling, it’s very, very stressful.

My only project is me, and my own thoughts and feelings. And even that is not really a project.

Now that’s easier….to make an understatement.

“There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking he is evil. Thus you destroy your three treasures (simplicity, patience and compassion) and become an enemy yourself. 

When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.” ~ Tao Te Ching #69

That person who finds you less than wonderful?

Thank them for showing you what is needed to truly love unconditionally.

You don’t have to say it out loud, or even contact them. It’s for you.

You’ll be OK, it’s safe. You’ll be more than OK. Really.

Much love, Grace

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My Personal Money Story Released TODAY

I told my whole terrible and difficult money story…and how it changed from terror to joy…on VIDEO.

And it is released today.

It’s kind of crazy vulnerable, but I hope it helps those who need it.

Click HERE to watch it.

I tell about how I questioned my own pervasive belief:

I need more money in order to survive.

It felt so true back then, when my money was flying out of my bank account as fast as the sinking Titanic, and then I began to go into debt and foreclosure threatened.

That all happened only five years ago.

And the intensity of my experience of almost losing everything forced me into questioning my own value, and how much I had believed an inner voice that said “you don’t deserve money”.

That changed.

I questioned my thoughts.

For me, it was part of my path with money to receive…I had a lot of problems with receiving love, enough, kindness, safety (apparently) and as I questioned all of these, I could receive money as well.

I hope you enjoy the video, if it serves. Let me know what you think. Please share it with others who you think might benefit. You can forward this email to them if you like.
In gratitude.
“When you believe your thoughts, you suffer….but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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A Year of Inquiry Begins In September

Today’s the day! It’s time to apply for YOI! That’s Year of Inquiry, for short. We start in September.

Wait, did you say a whole year? Seriously?

Yes. It’s true.

After many interviews of the past year’s participants, and some perfect upgrades and changes….here’s what YOI looks like:

You’ll start in September with a telegroup. There are two groups to choose from, Tuesday mornings at 9 am and Thursday afternoons 4:30 pm Pacific time. (Friday may be added too).

We gather to do The Work.

It’s not really a support group, although support is powerful. It’s not a discussion or sharing group, although we get to know each other so deeply and authentically.

It’s a group of people all gathering to investigate what keeps them from freedom, from awareness. We are using our lives, our experiences and memories—what’s right here in our minds—to wake up.

Is what you are thinking that creates stress in your life genuinely true? Can you absolutely know this is the case? Are you 100% positive?

What have you believed, perhaps all your life so far, about how people should act, how you should succeed, how life is supposed to be when it’s good, or what failure is?

What do you really think about death, sickness, pain, loss, grief or frustration, spirituality?

Where does your thinking keep you from noticing this present moment, and who you really are?

That’s what we’re about.

This group helps you to not be alone in this journey of wondering. You’re connected, very honestly. You can share what you might not be able to share in your “normal” life.

Who would you be, without your thinking?

That’s what we get down to. One thought at a time.

Some people call groups like this a sangha, an inquiry circle, your support team. You might not like everyone in the group all the time 24/7, but you’ll love them by the end of this year.

Each telegroup is limited to 12 people.

Everyone comes together for a weekend in September and 4.5 days in May to get really close to inquiry, silence, each other, and the power of The Work.

Yes…there is an option to be in the telegroup-only plan. You join YOI, but don’t attend the retreats. You may live half way around the world, it may not be possible to travel to Seattle to be with us. That’s OK, and you never know, you might change your mind.

People will be accepted first who want the full YOI program (retreats included). Doing the full YOI JOY deal has been life-changing for participants. The in-person retreats made a gigantic difference in peoples’ lives.

And it fills my heart to meet you.

“The Work of Byron Katie is a way of identifying and questioning the thoughts that cause all the anger, fear, depression, addiction, and violence in the world. Experience the happiness of undoing those thoughts through The Work, and allow your mind to return to its true, awakened, peaceful, creative nature.” ~ Byron Katie

What ails you? Is it love? Your children? Your body? Your eating, drinking or compulsive behavior? Your self-criticism? Money? Your spouse? Co-workers?

All of the above?

Come settle yourself in to doing The Work, listening to your deepest center of you, getting to know who YOU really are.

If you find you’ve needed support along this journey, then maybe YOI is for you. You are not alone.

Your thoughts are welcome here, I’d love to have you.

Click HERE to tell me about yourself and why you’d like to be a part of YOI, and I’ll get back to you very soon.

If you want to read about all the topics and what YOI is like….click over to my website HERE. (You can fill out the application there, too).

Much love, Grace

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Doing The Work on Love And Sex

Attraction to others. Lust. Craving. The lightening bolt zinger through the body. Thrill.

Everyone has felt this at some time in their lives past puberty, it’s a natural human adult experience.

And then, along with it, many people can start drowning in stressful beliefs, there are so many.

A woman once contacted me from another country and even though we were half way around the globe from each other, she was embarrassed and felt awkward talking about “that” feeling of attraction.

She had a partner, but she didn’t like the sexual contact she had with him. She found it unpleasant.

On top of that, she felt she couldn’t say this out loud, even though he could tell.

Yikes, that’s a rough place to be. Stuck not liking something that is all about pleasure and feeling ecstasy, and not being able to speak of this displeasure out loud.

What was she thinking?

  • he’s too aggressive
  • he never slows down
  • he’s too hungry
  • he shouldn’t be so easily pleased
  • he should try harder to please me
  • I need him to stop criticizing me
  • he shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about this

I had her picture that moment during sexual contact when she had these kinds of thoughts the strongest.

And then answer the questions.

Is it true? Is he really too much? Are you positive he’s doing it wrong? Or not capable of learning or adjusting or exploring? Is he really too fast? Or too embarrassed?

Um, no. I can’t know any of that is really true.

How do you react when you think he’s doing it wrong? That he should change?

Pissed. Dismissive. Critical. Mean. Hopeless. Uninterested.

Even though this woman was very dedicated to her upbringing (quite conservatively religious) she was so willing to sit and consider these questions, even though she was embarrassed to even talk about all of it in the first place.

I was really moved by her courage.

Who would you be without that thought? I asked her, and she was very quiet.

Who would you be, if you didn’t know anything about what was right or wrong or good or bad, you just felt what was the truth for you?

Back to a central presence. A joyful kind of noticing of all the crazy, fun, wonderful ways we all exchange energy. No grabby feeling, no upset feeling, just full and open.

Able to speak, ask questions, say yes, say no, say when it feels good, or feels bad, or ask for what interests the other person.

Feelings can go up, down, change, stop, go again.

Without the thought that this means anything about YOU, about HIM, about what is about to happen or what will happen again?

It’s so thrilling, it’s entering the mysterious unknown, right here in this moment.

Without your thoughts about sexuality and what that gesture meant, what that look says, what this touch means….you get to feel what’s happening without expectation….and just see where it goes.

Turning the thoughts around:

  • I’m too aggressive, with my thoughts and fears
  • I never slow down internally to allow things to be as they are
  • I’m too hungry
  • I shouldn’t be so easily pleased, and he should be
  • I should try harder to please me
  • I need me to stop criticizing him, I need to stop criticizing myself
  • I shouldn’t be embarrassed to talk about this

“There’s no intimacy when we’re in fear and there’s no love when we’re in fear, it’s there it just that our awareness of it is broken. So we experience this separateness, so what I invite people to do is to identify when they’re stressed out and they look at their relationship, you know love and sex and what we’re all talking about here in this particular time together. We look at what we’re believing about our partner, and that either turns us off or it turns us on, physically. So what we’re believing, our feelings are the effect of that.” ~ Byron Katie  

How is that person showing you something important, something really powerful for you, something you find so juicy, maybe difficult, but incredible to look at and learn?

It doesn’t mean you have to be sexual with him…but who would you be without your story?

Try it and see.

And for those who would LOVE to be in a small, private group doing The Work on sexuality, a new updated version of the 8-week teleclass begins soon Our Wonderful Sexuality.

July 30 – September 17, 2014 Wednesdays 9 – 10:30 am Pacific Time.  Click HERE to read more about it and to register. (Fee is $395 for 8 week telecourse).

See what keeps you from total ecstatic joy when it comes to sexual expression.

Much love, Grace

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A Mother’s Grip On Reality

My kids are driving me bonkers!  

A mom in Summer Camp Telecalls recently reminded me of my own early mom days. She wanted them to quiet down, so she could do The Work.

Kind of hilarious, the energy that wells up….“Be Quiet! I’m trying to question my thinking over here! JEEZ!”

When I had two very young ones, I was beyond thrilled to have these two amazing kids in my life. In fact, I was pretty blown away by the miraculous and bizarre way we all arrive here on planet earth.

But their presence in my world was also like a match that lit up whole entire inner buildings full of belief-systems about parenting, what “good” moms do, what “good” kids do, what “good” dads do, how kids should turn out.

I need to make sure these two kids feel safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.

Right?

That means I should never be driven bonkers by them. I should be patient, kind, gentle and wise at all times.

24/7

In case you haven’t noticed…..it’s impossible.

But if you do The Work and question your thinking, you may be way more “sane” than you could ever dream of when it comes to your kids.

So let’s go.

Is it true that you should be a perfect mom, that it’s your job to support their confidence, success, and happiness in life?

If they aren’t happy….or if they bug you….do you really think it means that there’s something wrong with your parenting?

Well, no. I know there aren’t any perfect moms.

How do you react when you think you need to be the one who inspires and creates success and happiness in your kids’ lives….and they sometimes look pretty upset?

I feel anxious, sad, worried. Wondering how their future will turn out. Playing out future possibilities.

Not staying right here in the present.

But who would you be without the thought? Without the belief that you need to help them, support them, make sure they know they are valuable, happy, safe, comfortable?

Whew. Now that is a relief.

Lots of moms and dads will think that if they let go of the belief that they are responsible for their kids, they won’t even care.

They’ll be neglectful, and wrong.

But can you know that this is even true?

“How do you react when you believe the thought that you need to protect your children, and in reality they’re perfectly fine without your protection?….You got through your difficulties, so what leads you to believe that they aren’t at least as capable and courageous as you are? What leads you to believe that they have fewer survival skills than you do?” ~ Byron Katie

Turning the thoughts around: I’m driving myself bonkers! I need to make sure I myself feel safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.

Because I am, and so are you.

Every human is worthy, safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.

We can feel this for ourselves. We don’t need a mother or father to tell us…..not really.

“A mother’s grip on reality is a wonderful thing.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Those Mean People? It’s Not Personal

Summer Camp July Session starts today! Come on board any time this month, it’s only $97 to join every summer camp telejam in July that you can make. Click HERE to join.

Last night on the last summer camp telesession during June, inquirers got together and looked at a couple of powerful stressful beliefs.

Someone is doing something.

You don’t like it.

You wish they didn’t want to do that. You’d prefer they had no interest.

And yet, there they are doing it.

Arrggghhhhh! Teeth grinding!

A son selling pot, a brother-in-law cheating the government, a friend being thoughtless, a volunteer team expecting too much, someone lying.

Is it true that they shouldn’t want what they want?

Yes. When they want these things, they hurt other people.

Can you absolutely know that this is true that their actions, what they want, isn’t good?

Yes. She was awful. She hurt me. She’s out to get me. She wants me to fail, suffer. She’s jealous.

She is wrong!

How do you react when you believe she shouldn’t want to do what she’s doing? When you believe a dictator shouldn’t want to ruin a whole country? When you think that person you care about shouldn’t want what they want, because their actions are causing great pain?

Soooooo angry. Enraged. Furious.

So angry, I wish that person were dead, or never existed.

Wow. Intense.

Who would you be without the thought that the person you have in mind really shouldn’t want what they appear to want?

It takes a moment.

Wait.

Without that belief of being so deeply against what they want….hmmm….

I’d notice my surroundings. I’d notice the room I’m in, the beautiful white couch near the window. My son sitting next to me playing a gameboy something.

I’m curious as I watch this person without the thought that they actually want to do harm.

Even when they apparently have.

Last night I went out to dinner with my husband, son and daughter to celebrate my son turning 20. My daughter was telling us how in history class last year she learned about some leaders who controlled entire countries and generations, and caused the death of many people.

Who would I be without the belief that those leaders throughout history shouldn’t have wanted what they wanted?

It wouldn’t mean I wouldn’t stop them, if I could. Like Hitler.

But the agonizing despair is not present, the depth of the rage and fury.

I can feel the silence and peace within, the emptiness.

Turning the thought around: those people should want what they want.

Perhaps every moment, every experience, everything they’ve ever felt in their entire lives, every encounter….has led up to them having something in them move towards the strange, violent, sick, painful action they are taking.

It may have nothing really to do with me.

How could it?

An entire lifetime happened, inside them, before I ever came along.

“Whatever happens around you, don’t take it personally…. Nothing other people do is because of you. It is because of themselves. All people live in their own dream, in their own mind; they are in a completely different world from the one we live in….Even when a situation seems so personal, even if others insult you directly, it has nothing to do with you….If you do not take it personally, you are immune in the middle of hell.” ~ Miguel Ruiz

I shouldn’t want what I want…especially when it comes to that person I’m perceiving as horrid.

Because it doesn’t feel good to hate.

“If I think that someone else is causing my problem, I’m insane.” ~ Byron Katie

Astonishing.

I can be free, open-handed, with no shields up, even if I am attacked and killed, condemned, beaten, yelled at, betrayed, stabbed in the back, lied to, abandoned.

I can pick love, no matter what.

I don’t even have to pick…I just question my thoughts, and kindness seems to begin to seep in.

Compassion grows.

It doesn’t mean I have to hang out with them, be their best friend, chat them up, or spend time at their house. I might even want them in jail.

But I don’t have to hurt myself by thinking about it and believing it’s true every second.

“They know not what they do.” ~ Jesus of Nazareth

Can you give yourself some forgiveness today?

Much Love, Grace