Month: October 2012

Posted on

That Person Is Too Fat

One of my most painful personal experiences of being judgmental has been around bodies.

Those bodies, the ones that look like THAT (fill in your own image) are beautiful, perfect, exciting, interesting, or attractive.

These other bodies, the ones that look NOT so perfect (fill in your other images) are anywhere from slightly unappealing to repulsive.

Beautiful/Ugly, Attractive/Repulsive, Fat/Thin, Defective/Working, Young/Old.

This area of analysis, judgment, criticism, and studying imperfection often felt compulsive and out-of-control. Even when I was a teenager, I would have not only the thought that something was ugly on a body…but also that I was stupid to be thinking that it was ugly.

I should control my judgmental thoughts about those other peoples’ bodies! And while we’re at it, I should also love my own body! Major Dismal Failure at NOT judging.

So there I was seeing the world and it was jam-packed with images of other bodies. What was ugly was anything too fat or too thin, too round or too sharp or pointy, too bumpy, to heavy, too tall. It was so quick, I could easily tell you what was beautiful and ugly in one-half of a second.

I KNEW UGLY AND I KNEW ATTRACTIVE.

I was learning, or had learned, VERY quickly, very young. As soon as I could hear what adults were saying around me. As soon as I could see what people were drawn to, and how they behaved, and who they rejected or praised. It was in the movies and on TV.

I KNEW already at the age of 8 that when I sat on a table one day, and my thighs spread out in a squished way with my legs hanging over the edge of the desk. I was shocked. “I have fat thighs?! I did not realize this! Terrible! They are ugly!”

“100 percent of your misery is brought on by your dishonest, unconscious thinking. That’s what a lie feels like….if you think you’re too fat, it’s not about your body, it’s about your mind. It’s about imagination running wild…The mind doesn’t have the question IS IT TRUE? to stop it, so that it can reconsider, so that it can bring itself to sanity. Sanity is a word I equate with love, with intelligence and maturity. An immature mind, is a mind that hates itself.” ~Byron Katie

This past week I watched my mind as it looked at bodies. I watched my mind then criticize ME for having these mundane, stupid, shallow, ridiculous thoughts about bodies.

I confess, I had the thought that someone was too fat. That person should lose weight. They should exercise. Something is wrong with how they are taking in food.

And then, more judgments: another person I love I thought of as waaaaaaaay too focused on the body (and it wasn’t me). She should get off this whole get-the-body-perfect thing. What a waste of energy, time, resources, focus! Jeez!

Thank goodness for doing The Work and an absolutely wonderful facilitator walking me through it. Without the facilitator, I might NOT have even stayed with this ridiculous, mean, superficial judgment and brought it out into the open.

Can you call up an image of someone you know who is “fat” and who you think shouldn’t be?

Is it true that they would be better off thinner? Is it true they are actually FAT?

Is it true that they represent everything that fatness means? That they are undisciplined, lazy, that they eat when they are not hungry, that they are unhealthy, scared, angry, pudgy, needy, unhappy, self-centered, or don’t love themselves? Are they really unattractive? Do people reject them, are they lonely? Are they less than spiritual, or unconscious? Really?

Um. I have no idea. In fact, no. It’s actually not true. At all.

I recognize the power of the “ego” or the little me, the one who thinks it knows, the one who is trying so hard, so sure that it is RIGHT, so nervous about rejection or imperfection, so full of striving. This thinking part is so sure bodies matter.

What is really the problem with anyone in this world being fat?

I’ve noticed that the world, the universe, Reality actually contains bodies which are of all different qualities. The variety is enormous, in fact, and actually infinite. Incredible.

I notice that without the thought that anyone’s Body should be different than the way it actually appears to me in this moment, then the creativity and variety is incredible. I am not against anything. No resistance. No need to change anything.

All these bodies everywhere being themselves….

Could it be that any way a body appears here, now, is just right? See how amazing it feels to be with this thought.

Back once again to leaving everything alone.

What was too fat, was my thinking. When I think someone is too fat, or anything about me is too fat, my thoughts are slow, full, repetitive, thick, heavy, extra, big, dark, overflowing, wide, depressing.

Fortunately, my thinking is not ME. Just like my body isn’t ME.

“God, or your essential nature, is not Something. Not Content. Not Form. The best description with words is to say what it is NOT….It can be known in the silent space of stillness which is in everyone…”~ Eckhart Tolle

What if you walked around today, or sat around, or maybe the body you appear to have is lying around…what if you were here and entirely and completely without the thought that what your body looks like or represents IS you?

What if you are much more than that. Or not even that, at all.

Love, Grace

P.S. At Breitenbush, the end of June, we will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

To comment on this article, click here  and scroll down to the comments section.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

Click here  to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays 10 – 11:30 am Oct. 12 – Dec. 13 (no class 10/26 OR 11/2)

Posted on

All You Have To Do Is Sit There And Watch

Last Friday the very first class of Our Wonderful Sexuality. A fantastic group, and one more person could come on board before the second class (and listen to the recording of our first one, to catch up). After that, it’s closed.

Sexuality is a very big, intense and emotional topic for many. It sure used to be for me.

I have written down my thoughts on every kind of repulsive person or experience I’ve ever learned about, heard of, or been involved in myself that related in any way to sexual expression.

It’s amazing the way the mind will dictate what it thinks is True when it comes to romantic love:

  • I need her love
  • I want his love
  • They are so happy together, they must have a wonderful sexual relationship
  • That couple is unhappy, non-sexual….it’s sad
  • She hasn’t had a good sexual relationship with anyone in “x” years, how horrible!
  • He is sexual with a new person every week, how disgusting!
  • People who are in committed relationships should never flirt with or be attracted to anyone else
  • Feeling sexual feelings is dangerous unless both people are available for a relationship

Epic stories, novels, movies, the great myths of human history often include one person’s passion for another….and the consequences of having that passion.

Destruction! Intrigue! Pain! Agony! Betrayal! Jealousy! Abandonment!

In the name of love and romance, people have murdered, gone crazy, killed themselves, have unplanned children, vanished without a trace, become depressed for years.

Shakespeare is one of the great writers of such human stories, and the Greeks. Gods, goddesses, humans, royalty….the greatest leaders changing the course of history because of lust, passion, envy.

No wonder, with such evidence of pain resulting from this feeling of sexuality inside us, we’re suspicious of the very feelings of being attracted to anyone or anything.

But as Katie once said to me directly “How do you know you’re supposed to be feeling what you’re feeling? You are!” Well, she was actually referring to my anger. Which I was judging as HORRIBLE and like I needed to get rid of it ASAP.

But we feel the same about our sexual feelings: I must get rid of this. In fact, for many humans, BIG FEELINGS OF ANY KIND are suspect. Great grief, great rage, great terror often have the accompanying thought “this feeling must stop”.

The mind begins to analyze it and problem solve. HOW do I get rid of this? I can distract myself, I can fix myself, I can suppress this. And of course, one way we imagine getting rid of a big powerful feeling is to actually satisfy it…express it.

Break something if you’re mad, hit something, jump up an down! Shriek and cry, wail, scream if you’re full of grief. Run for your life, hide, get away from the source of fear if you’re terrified. And if you really WANT something, then get it, ingest it, consume it, smoke it, drink it, or engage in sexual contact…like if you’re hungry, you then look for food to eat.

If any feeling is acceptable to feel without DOING something, however, then a different route can be taken. I can be curious, open, and allow it to be here.

There is nothing so amazing to me as when I learned that as I quit smoking….the desire to smoke actually dissolved. The craving would come, but not following it or taking it seriously (and yet also not crushing it down) I could ask myself what else was going on?

And what about the unbelievably strong desire to binge-eat, that would feel like it was taking over my whole psyche and personality like being possessed or something? Could I drop the thought that I would not be satisfied until I ate something?

What was going on in those moments of big gigantic feelings, if I didn’t judge them so harshly? What was I REALLY worried about, afraid of, sad about, longing for?

Could I be sure that food or tobacco or being sexual would satisfy me….and resolve the Big Feeling?

No. In fact….based on experience it appeared that the things I obsessed over most and thought I wanted were VERY temporary. Moving towards them worked for just a short while. Then I was back at the big feeling again, and the cycle would start over.

This morning I worked with a client who was so sad because her primary love relationship was over, broken up, ended. Her partner had wanted to date other women, and she didn’t want him to.  Not a match, and yet she had very painful feelings about it being OVER.

As she did The Work she began to find examples of how what was happening right now, in the present (without a partner) was a wonderful, advantageous thing.

This is a most simple but profound discovery, to discover the connection, love, aliveness, passion, joy, peace, ecstasy right here, right now, in this moment.

Or to even ask oneself if this could be possible….ecstasy here, now, whether someone is here or not here in our presence. Could it?

Or, OK OK Jeez…if it doesn’t feel possible that ecstasy could be present right here, now, then what about just being able to STAND this big feeling without DOING something immediately? I mean, is this an emergency? Do you really need to smoke or eat or drink or watch porn or call that person in order to be able to stand this moment and satisfy this urge?

Eckhart Tolle writes about urges and applying awareness to anything obsessive. He says to say “yes” always to what you feel. This means, I have the feeling, and I don’t chop it into bits, I don’t set fire to it, I don’t act on it instantly, I don’t criticize myself for having it. It means I genuinely am not opposed or against myself having this feeling in this moment.

“When we maintain awareness, whether we know it or not, healing is taking place…a door that has been shut begins to open…As the door opens, we see that the present is absolute and that, in a sense, the whole universe begins right now, in each second. And the healing of life is in that second of simple awareness…Healing is always just being here, with a simple mind.” ~ Charlotte Joko Beck

Truly amazing to imagine—just being here, with awareness, with a simple mind, brings healing.

Questioning all the thoughts about romantic love, desire, feelings…all feelings…I arrive at a place of mystery and wonder.

I noticed as I questioned, and questioned again, every belief I ever had that produced stress, every “rule”, that I became incredibly free to be myself.  Being myself with total freedom happens to look like being married for me. But I could only have arrived here if NOT being married was just as wonderful.

Every state worth living in, being in, every moment OK, every feeling acceptable.

With awareness and just sitting here, watching Big Feelings, I see in my life there is much less theatrical drama that could be retold and acted on stages or in the movie theaters….and yet still….truly….there has been a change in the course of history. A quieter one.

Love, Grace

To comment on this article, click here  and scroll down to the comments section.

 

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

 

Click here  to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays 10 – 11:30 am Oct. 12 – Dec. 13 (no class 10/26 OR 11/2)

Posted on

I Need Need Need That

What a fabulous Thursday morning this past week with the Money, Work and Business teleclass group. This particular class, the third session, is the one directly on MONEY.

I have spent hours and hours doing The Work on Money, and it fascinates me as an entity, energy, thing, exchange. Money is wonderful! I love playing with it, having it, spending it, not having it, understanding it. Like life.

There was a time once when I woke up at night quite often, thinking about money with a sick stomach, spinning mind, anxious, nervous, imagining the scenario of losing my house, of packing up my stuff in boxes and driving it to my mother’s house to put in her basement.

Nowhere to live of my own! A failure! A terrible parent! An idiot!

Fear enters in whenever we feel scared, threatened, uncertain. When the images our mind is coming up with are frightening, we get very tense, very stressed…it feels like there is an anvil on our chest and we can’t breathe.

This does not have to be about money. It can be about a person. It can be about your boss, a lover, a child.

Here comes the fear, here comes the obsessive, repetitive thinking.

If all was well, if we really felt it was a friendly universe and we could trust this at a core level, right in the middle of this situation, then we would not wake up at night.

I knew back then already that my own thinking was the actual “thing” that was out of control. My thinking was panicked. The key was identifying what thoughts I was having very specifically that created such fear.

I wrote down what I believed Money would give me, if I had it, if it was mine. You can do this with anything. Substitute your target of desire! Sometimes it’s a person, sometimes it’s a new job, sometimes it’s youth, health.

Ooooh, if I just HAD THAT….then I would be peaceful, happy, content, OK, relaxed.

For some people, the great object of desire is spiritual enlightenment. Once I have that, I’ll be fine.

Are you sure?

“It’s not reality that matters, but what you’re saying to yourself about it.”~Anthony De Mello

I found that I could not be sure that having money would make me happy. In fact, I was quite sure I knew people with lots of money who were not. Could I skip the middleman, as Katie says, and be happy right from here, right now?

If you think you can’t….good. Welcome to exploring the amazing mind. Welcome to seeing where you argue with reality.

So, write down what you believe would make you happy, if you had it. Why would it make you happy? What would you really have, if you had that thing?

If I had money, I would be secure, safe, comfortable, calm, peaceful, generous, entertained, proud. I cannot have these things without the money.

If my father were alive, if my house were bigger, if I drove a better car, if I had a life partner, if my children were successful…THEN I would be excited, ecstatic, spacious, powerful, satisfied, satiated, adventurous. And not before!!

You see that from where you stand, right here in this present moment, you believe it is not good enough, it could be better….later.

Is that absolutely true?

The mind creates these images of how it will be in the future….soon, we hope, when it will be better. Right now, I am reading a book in the evening and then *PING* this imaginary picture enters that suggests eating some food would make things even better.

That little thought can grow into a torrential thunderstorm of longing, hoping, anger, fury, rage, despair. This life right here, right now, is not good enough, not full enough, not big enough, not fun enough, not rich enough.

This moment needs improvement. Something is wrong.

As soon as I stopped believing that I needed more money the minute I had that thought, my mind started to slow down. The images seemed to dissolve away.

The way the fear dissolved? I did the Work, I asked myself if my thinking was real and true. Was the impending disaster that I conjured in a split second of imagining actually going to happen?

Who would I be without the thought that I needed more money in order to be safe, successful, stable, or proud?

And if I turned the thought around to the opposite….in this world of duality….how would that idea fit? I DO NOT NEED MORE MONEY. Can I find ways that this is genuinely, actively true in this moment?

Am I safe, secure, generous, calm, peaceful right now? Could it be that there is enough of anything I thought there was NOT enough of?

Suddenly, or sometimes more slowly, that moment of waking up in the night that felt like a nightmare looked simple, quiet, non-eventful. Yes, I was safe. Yes, I was breathing. Yes, I was secure and stable. Yes, I was up to the challenge of living without lots of stuff (in fact it was incredibly fun).

In fact, there were amazing benefits. I had more free time. No going out for dinners, movies, workshops. I read. I spent whole days alone. I began to love my own company like I never had before.

Trusting in the flow of life….the Universe appeared to be friendly. Wow.

“We’re all looking for love, in our confusion, until we find our way back to the realization that love is what we already are. That’s all. We’re looking for what we already have.”~ Byron Katie

If you don’t get it and this doesn’t make sense….if it just DOES NOT seem like you already have what you’re looking for….write down why you are so unhappy, write down what is missing, and begin to inquire.

This pain you feel may be your gateway to freedom.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Quitting Doesn’t Work

The thought to QUIT something is a common and understandable human strategy for managing difficult situations. Since that experience was bad…I’m never going to have it again!! I quit!

  • You want me to do WHAT on this job?! I quit!!
  • Constantly bending over backwards for money? I quit!
  • Uncomfortable with eating, smoking, drinking, using? I quit!
  • Feeling very annoyed or unhappy in this relationship? I quit!
  • Angry, hurt, afraid of “x”? I quit!
  • Despairing with the state of this world, of life? I quit!

In many situations, people decide to take the path of renunciation. It feels easiest, most clear, most precise, perhaps the most powerful.

Renunciates, in many religious traditions, are those who have made vows to give up many things; wealth, possessions, and passion (sexuality). People can often see the benefit in what it would be like to never have lust, longing, desire, wanting.

In both Christian and Buddhist, and many other religious paths, the freedom offered by renunciating the world and our needs in it are considered holy. More spiritual. I can get down to the business of communing with God, Spirit, Source, Universe.

I was very drawn to this approach to problem-solving. Instead of being so frustrated with not getting what I want, I would just quit asking, quit looking for it. I would QUIT WANTING!

Boy, that approach sure didn’t work. I could suppress, smash down, abandon, reject, deny, yield, veto myself, and give up and it would feel 100% forever! Never again will I speak to that person! Never again will I binge-eat!

In a matter of time…the struggle would reappear. I would need more resolve or a bigger will.

When I was 19 I decided I was going to be detached from now on (I quit!) from my past. I was going to be in the present moment. My past did not matter. I was going to stop repeating patterns.

I became fascinated with monks and renunciates, with devotees who stepped away from normal life. I became a Comparative Religion major in college (before I quit!)

In this world but NOT of it! Screw this world!

I packed everything I owned into my car. I went to the dump. I watched like a pure observer as all my school yearbooks, my photo albums, my journals, my favorite books, most of my clothes, my special childhood toys, my keepsakes fell from my hands into the enormous and deep hole that would then be trucked off into the garbage pits.

A grand purge of anything from my past history. Ready to start fresh and new.

Unfortunately, to my deepest despair, I found that it did not work. Just like diets, berating myself, being harsh, hating myself, or making plans to “get rid” of things. Rats.

There had to be another way.

I began to realize, even back then before I had encountered Byron Katie, that inquiry actually comes alive in all of us, in whatever way it can—-it is waiting. The mind begins to question itself. It wonders. It asks. It believes. It repeats itself, it is very persistent.

So I stopped renunciating, I stopped quitting. I stopped all “New Years Resolutions”. I stopped big grand sweeping Rejections. Only because they didn’t ever seem to work. They didn’t actually feel good, and I couldn’t stick with them.

It is such a strange and great paradox, because even though I quit quitting…I knew that I could live lovingly and peacefully, without the pain of wanting something to be different. I just KNEW it was possible.

It may seem counter-intuitive, a little crazy perhaps, somewhat confusing….but the way beyond “quitting” is to study the very thing I want to quit.

I open to this situation and allow it to be here. In fact, I know that since this situation brings up a lot of feelings, and thoughts, it is full of teaching. It is full of the possibility of discovery, of enlightenment.

So that thing, that person, that behavior, those thoughts, those feelings, that job, that relationship, that substance that you imagine “quitting”….write them down. Write down everything you hate about it and love about it. Use the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Then begin to inquire. Study and investigate your most painful thoughts and feelings. It’s like taking inventory (this is done in the 12 Step programs). Don’t quit it! Study it all!

Here is the amazing thing that can come from this simple process: The things that you wanted to quit? They will quit you.

Ram Tzu knows this…

You are perfect.
Your every defect
Is perfectly defined.
Your every blemish
Is perfectly placed.
Your every absurd action
Is perfectly timed.
Only God could make
Something this ridiculous
Work.
Ram Tzu , NO WAY for the Spiritually “Advanced”

Love, Grace

Posted on

Being Simple Is Enough

It can be an immense relief to hear that keeping things simple is enough. And worrisome.

Really? I mean, I have to THINK and FEEL about all this….life, relationships, my history, my plans. Tons of things happen every day. This is a complicated world!

But today….you can take a moment to stop. Right now while you read, even, or right afterwards. Noticing what is around, without the mind working at it.

Like those times when you let go and stop analyzing, trying to understand, seeking, grabbing….maybe when you give up and walk away. Quitting the battle. Gently.

Many great teachers of wisdom suggest relaxing, just leaving everything the way it is.

“When we dare to doubt what we are told and take a fresh look at what’s going on, we are in for lots of pleasant and fascinating and useful surprises. A new and more satisfying way of life begins to open up, just by noticing what we see.”~ Douglas Harding

All that is necessary is to notice what you see, what you feel, right here in this present moment.

Sometimes having someone with you to ask questions, or be with you in the silence, to have a conversation allows you to keep noticing.

What might you do today, if all you needed to do was to notice what is happening in the present? This may include your noticing that you are thinking, in the present, about the future or about the past.

It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong, to think….or to think A LOT about the past or present.

How wonderful, though, to not need to find any answers. The project is only noticing. Like Pema Chodron says about herself, when she discovers she is thinking again…”thinking!”

Nothing more. Simply noticing is enough. See for yourself.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Is Loving What Is Doing Nothing?

We all know Byron Katie’s famous quote “argue with reality and you’ll lose…but only 100% of the time”. What does arguing with reality actually mean?

What does loving or accepting reality mean?

On the most simple level, it’s easy to see when there is an argument. That shouldn’t be that way! I hate her! He drives me crazy! They should change! There is something wrong with me! There’s not enough!

The feeling of an argument is probably familiar for most humans—angry energy, furious or irritated words, silence with tight body language, terror, sadness, hardness. One big “NOOOOOOOO!”

It doesn’t matter how loud or how quiet the experience, it is gripping, against, resisting, hating, running…people feel like punching, sobbing, panicking, escaping, judging, attacking internally or out loud.

Recently, several people have asked me something I’ve arrived at quite a few years ago after doing The Work for awhile: Does loving reality make you passive?

Why would I do anything if I was happy with what is? Why would I try to leave someone, move, take action, create, lose weight, quit drinking, research my disease, learn about my child’s disability, earn more money?

What I found, and continue to find with amazement really, is that loving powerfully is very active. Love is what is left after questioning stressful beliefs.

There is no need to “force” yourself to do anything, to “discipline” yourself to accomplish, to “push” yourself or others to get them to improve.

Love is actually always moving joyfully towards a magical kind of unfolding feeling, never static, always changing.

“Arguing with reality means arguing with the story of a past. It’s already over, and no thinking in the world can change it….The point is, how can you be most effective in this moment, given that what is, is? Seeing reality doesn’t mean you’re going to be passive. Why would you be passive when you can be clear and have a wonderful, sane life?…Seeing reality means that you can act in the kindest, most appropriate and most effective way.”~Byron Katie in Loving What Is

So in my past money situation, I had the belief that I MUST PUSH MYSELF to earn more money, ASAP. I noticed that was a very stressful belief.

I also believed in the past I needed to “set boundaries” with people or “go on a diet/food plan” and GET TOUGH, get disciplined, take out the whip….or nothing would happen.

I DID believe that if I didn’t PUSH….I wouldn’t do anything to change, grow, evolve, get unstuck. I’d stay the same….which by the way wasn’t good enough.

But now, after questioning stressful and painful thoughts, I notice that I follow the flow so much more. I do what I can, I have a spark of light energy….it’s just there. I think it always was.

When things are tough, difficult, painful, unhappy, these are the tricky places. Like learning you have cancer, or finding out your bank account was just cleaned out….but when you DO NOT HATE it, you start moving from that spot, right here in the present, with clarity, aliveness, passion.

You don’t have to LOVE it. That may be a bit much. But how Upset we are does not take over our whole experience.

You’ll notice you do things like call the police, consult a colleague, hire a lawyer, take medicine.

The most wonderful turnaround to practice, to find examples for, is “I have to relax to succeed”. I have to relax to make more money, lose weight, stop drinking, get healthy, end the war. You can’t relax and participate in a war, I notice.

Right in this scary, worrisome, awful, irritating, or uncomfortable situation…you will stay present with a sense of opening to What Is, right in the moment, under the surface.

I notice I write down what I hope to do this week, I schedule appointments and plans for the future, I write, I create new curriculums, I plan an awesome body workshop next summer, I pay all my bills, I open the mail, I sweep the kitchen floor, I work with clients.

I watch my thoughts rise and fall, I notice them when they are troubling, I write them down when they repeat themselves. If this was my last day on earth, it’s a good day. No worries about the future, and yet plans on the calendar. Fun.

“When I want what I have, thought and action aren’t separate; they move as one, without conflict. If you find anything lacking, ever, write down your thought and inquire. I find that life never falls short and doesn’t require a future. Everything I need is always supplied, and I don’t have to do anything for it…..There is nothing more exciting than loving what is.”~Byron Katie

Imagine what it would be like to not think you have to push yourself to achieve something? Imagine not thinking that if you loved what is, you would be passive, unloving, boring, stuck, inactive, unmoving, or crazy?

Who would you be without that thought?

Love, Grace

Posted on

Being Sick Happens

Being sick or having pain in the body is typically difficult for most humans.

This hurts. It should stop. I need help. This is a problem.

Here is this body, which normally we think of as “ours”, which we’re inhabiting.  It’s making noise right now. It’s bringing attention to itself, or part of itself, it seems.

So what do we mean by “this is a problem”?

I just had a fever for about 30 hours, sleeping from 7:00 pm until dawn two nights in a row. Very unusual. It appears to be gone this morning, although my stomach still hurts and is very tender to the touch.

Part of the mind kicks into high gear “What did I eat? What could this be? Am I reacting to that flu shot? Where’s the Tylenol? I must do everything I can to get rid of this.”

The mind is interested in the past and the future. What happened (so I can understand it and prevent it) and what can I do to get rid of it in the future. Hopefully the NEAR future.

But with inquiry, something else also arises with sickness or pain, I’ve noticed. I feel all the sensations and strangely, without really trying, I begin to find advantages. I’m not kidding, this happens almost as quickly as the resistance to the pain. Weird.

So what is good about this fever state over the past couple of days? What is useful? Even just a drop of usefulness…it doesn’t have to be amazing, life-changing, or fantastic.

  • I happen to be traveling, on my way to a meditation retreat, so with this stomach pain increasing I notice how well I still move from point A to point B, just at a slower pace.
  • I don’t have to worry about finding something good to eat for lunch when I get off the plane.
  • I go straight to a hotel room instead of exploring the area, I spend the day by myself quietly, I go to sleep for 12 hours.
  • I participate in the meditation retreat even though my whole body is pulsing with fever and all my bones ache, I know being right here is fabulous and better than anywhere else.
  • I notice that I completely forget about my body for sections of time, because my mind gets very interested in the teaching, the conversation, the questions raised by participants in this retreat.
  • I don’t think about where or how to exercise, run or move the body in the usual daily practice I have of doing that.
  • I remember how this body is not all of me, it is some kind of vehicle, it will die and dissolve one day, it has a limited life span, this physical thing is all temporary…for me and for everyone. That’s the way of it.
  • I realize how vulnerable this body is, and get the chance once again to contemplate this vulnerability as NOT being terrible. Could it even be beautiful? Vulnerability, after all, is open, sensitive, delicate, gentle and without defense. Quiet and fearless.

Then suddenly I am amazed. Feeling ill has brought this reflection on the temporary nature of this body. I could die this weekend (although probably not, chuckle).

I see how this one part of my mind doesn’t like that idea. It feels afraid of dying. It is against pain and accidents and sickness. It demands wellness at all times.

I laugh, though, because that Dictator Defender part of the mind, I see, is only afraid.

It thinks that “I” am this body…that I am important as this body. It thinks that if this body dies, then “I” will end and that is BAD.

The Dictator Defender thinks there is danger lurking here.

I need to LIVE!!!

Really? Is it true? What for?

The world will continue to revolve, life will spring up everywhere, in fact right now in the present moment, life and death are happening all over the place.

The people I love and who love me will go on and have amazing adventures…that would happen whether I was alive or dead actually.

Reality, the Universe, All This…seems to be changing constantly; unstable, morphing, moving, undulating, alive, transforming.

I discover here, with sickness, that I imagined that I would miss something if I were ill. That it would be better if I were not ill. I absolutely cannot know that this is true.

In fact, I’m pretty dang sure in this moment that it is incredible to have been feverish for a day and a half. I just learned or re-learned that what I truly am is not this body.

I am a part of a great Consciousness that continues, exists, and contains everything, where things within it come and go. This body doesn’t matter, really.

“In the beginning was the Tao. All things issue from it; all things return to it….Seeing into darkness is clarity. Knowing how to yield is strength. Use your own light and return to the source of light. This is called practicing eternity.”~Tao Te Ching #52

Maybe it is not sad that this body doesn’t matter. Just imagine if it wasn’t. Maybe it is not frightening, or depressing, or shocking.

Who would you be without that thought that you need this body, you need this body to be healthy, you need to live, or you need to defend against vulnerability, sickness or death?

Wow. I would be observing. Noticing. Amazed. Watching. Here Now. Not Afraid. Not Against.

I would also take Tylenol and drink lots of water. Which I did.

Posted on

The Secret Hush Hush Topic

The topic of sexuality and sexual expression fills a lot of the human race with resistance, anxiety, repulsion or anger.

So much so, that I almost don’t want to write about it, even though it’s one of my favorite topics and I love assisting people through their beliefs about it in individual sessions and teleclasses. I love where I’ve landed after doing The Work on tons of concepts around sexuality.

Some people will actually think “I prefer not to think about sex, talk about sex, be aware of sex, or be concerned about sex! Ever!”

It’s like we’re talking about something very painful, or sick, or confusing. So let’s just sweep it under the rug .

Or more like, bury it 20 feet under the ground with no markers for where it is, just in case we get the wild thought to dig it up some day.

Many people grow up in families that felt both interested in sexuality and its expression, and confused or against sexuality in varying degrees.

There are many revolving rules, attempts to control sex, do’s and don’t’s:

  • only have sex with one person and don’t ever switch or change your mind
  • focus on pleasing the other not yourself
  • don’t talk about sex too much, don’t use “crude” sex words
  • don’t even think or fantasize about others if you’re in a committed relationship
  • if you really, really want sex with someone, you won’t feel satisfied until you have it!
  • there’s something wrong with you if you don’t know what you really want
  • there’s something wrong with you if you’re SURE you know what you want
  • keep doing it even if you don’t get that much out of it, because your partner wants it, and they may not stay with you if you don’t!
  • stay away from those nasty, sicko, creepy people who are violent, who use porn, who are attracted to children
  • don’t say No because that might hurt someone
  • don’t say Yes because that might hurt someone
  • have sex with strangers or people you don’t have to talk with much
  • you must make sure you are attractive if you want sex
  • it is possible to be unattractive
  • only have sex with people you “love” (whatever that means)
  • get sex from the internet or pictures or paid venues—no strings attached that way, no need to care about anyone but yourself
  • banish sex from your interests because its too complicated
  • be very careful when it comes to anything having to do with sex…careful careful careful!
  • control yourself!!!

Not only do we have all kinds of alarm about our own sexual feelings, but we’re often terrified of other people’s sexual feelings, or their LACK of sexual feelings.

Good/Bad…Right/Wrong…Yes/No…Turned On/Turned Off…Passionate/Bored

Just a small gesture, a tiny comment, a look or raised eyebrow can set our minds off into thinking “WHAT DID THAT MEAN?!”

We think we know what it means. Or we don’t want to risk finding out what it means—too scary (which is the same as thinking we know what it means).

Even though sexuality seems so fraught with nerve-wracking thoughts and feelings…..really, this amazing topic is about communicating, just like talking.

Humans making contact with other humans.

Just like every other situation, our thoughts that feel uncomfortable, fearful or disgusted about sex are temple bells ringing, saying “ding-a-ling! This is bothering you! Time for inquiry!”

When I was younger, I absolutely believed that if I felt sexual, I was playing with fire. Dangerous territory. Gross. Yet I continued to feel sexual. It would just appear. Like most people!

I didn’t even ask more thoroughly WHY this might be dangerous….the explanation that you can get pregnant (horrifying) or get diseases or have a bad reputation were the obvious repeated reasons. Those things were all assumed to be BAD BAD BAD.

Basically, my parents wouldn’t approve. Or my grandparents. And probably not their grandparents either. Or my family religion. Or my neighbors, friends, or their parents.

One little problem was that my grandfather appeared to be interested in sex. Most kids notice SOMEONE who is more blatant about sexuality. Or they see a sign on a building that says GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS and they learn not to ask about it.

So, apparently sex is allowed, but only over there for those people, hidden away.

Something was DEFINITELY wrong with my grandpa, that was obvious. He had Playboy magazines and a baseball hat that had written on it “dirty old men need love too”.

Jeez, didn’t he get it? Was he stupid or something? Why would he subject himself to ridicule or admit he was interested in THAT?

I was already filled with moral judgment about the wrongness of his behavior.

When someone is particularly forceful…when they do very intense things like rape, molest, abuse, spend tons of money in the sex industry, chase, manipulate, or physically control others, we often cast them into hell in our minds.

There is nothing wrong with staying away from people who scare you, this is not a weird test of learning to handle everything, but every area of pain offers amazing opportunity for expansion of the mind. Freedom from fear, attack, judgment, condemnation. Genuine acceptance. Including sexuality.

“To exclude anything that appears in your universe is not love. Love joins with everything. It doesn’t exclude the monster. It doesn’t avoid the nightmare—it looks forward to it.~ Byron Katie

I have found that to question my rules about others and about sex, I find great peace with my own experiences; my feelings, what happened to me (which is now over), what I invited, what I thought I wanted, how I live now.

It is absolutely incredible to not have to reject, rebel, fight against, feel enraged, push, long for, control, or suppress what I’m thinking or feeling.

It seems that what has occurred, by having troubling experiences and then bringing them to inquiry and dropping the rules and judgments, is that sexual expression for me is entirely clear, fun, happy, passionate, awake and wonderful.

Anyone can do it. All you need is a pen and paper and then to start writing down all your beliefs that produce anger, resentment, dischord, or fear in you.

Go ahead and pull back the rug and let’s clean it up under there. Let’s dig up the beliefs that have been buried underground so deep.

This is just inquiry, it doesn’t mean to take action, or do anything at all for that matter. This is about watching, observing, noticing and staying with yourself, to find out the truth, for you, before anyone taught you anything.

In fact, it may be most peaceful NOT to do anything, except inquiry.

“When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Being and non-being create each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other. Therefore the Master acts without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.”~Tao Te Ching #2

If you’re ready to do this in a group setting, with guidance, then join Our Wonderful Sexuality this week, there is one space left for the Thursday evening group.

If you’re not ready for a group….go for it on your own. You can free yourself with your own answers…and potentially change your entire life.

Posted on

Are You Sure You Want That?

Have you ever noticed that anticipation can be very exciting and fun…..or very nauseating and difficult? The exciting kind reminds me of when child has waited for a birthday party for weeks and now is the day!

Yippee! Hands clapping! Can’t wait! I’m right on the edge of happiness, relief, fun, celebration, satisfaction!

Baited breath! I’m about to get what I REALLY WANT!

I remember starting to date a man at one time….well, OK, this happened with several (I confess!) and noticing that I was waiting for the next time I would see him, or hear from him, or receive a phone call from him.

I wonder if he’ll call today, I wonder if he’s thinking of me like I am thinking of him, I wonder if we’ll get together this weekend, I wonder if this will continue for awhile, I wonder if he’s a good match for me overall, I wonder wonder wonder.

There was a moment when I needed to go to the bathroom and I turned back as I left my bedroom to get my cell phone, to take it with me to the bathroom! What if he called while I stepped away for 5 minutes! OMG!

I couldn’t miss that call! I wanted that call! I’m about to get what I want, I hope!!

As I looked at the bathroom floor where I put my cell phone while there, it dawned on me that this moment, here now, I was not relaxed, happy, enjoying my own company. I was filled with the thought “I NEED HIM TO CALL ME”.

This was not the way I wanted to live my life, not the way I wanted to live this moment.

I saw myself and how attached I was to hope for this thing happening. What the heck was I doing?

When this moment, the one right here now, is less than perfect, anticipation has a little more “weight” to it. Pun intended.

The anticipation has a “wait” to it that is full of feeling: hope, anxiety, frustration, intensity, demand.

And when THIS moment is VERY imperfect. Like excruciating, uncomfortable, disappointing, boring or harsh….then the anticipation might be more desperate.

Everyone has experienced having to wait for something and having the thought “I can’t wait! I hate this!” Waiting for this bad feeling to be eliminated, waiting for relief, waiting for a once-in-a-lifetime event, waiting for end of the work day, waiting for the bottle of alcohol.

Waiting for whatever you think will take you out of Now, that will be better than Now.

It’s going to be better later, once I have the information, glass of wine, free time, sex, happy feelings, extra cash, new house, different job, phone call.

I knew I needed to do The Work, in that moment of awareness. I needed to question the thought “I need him to call me.”

Right here, right now, under the influence of Waiting, something within us is absent.

Eckhart Tolle and many other spiritual teachers talk about our peace being in this present moment. Now. So simple, but when thinking the thought of the future…there is NO peace in this present moment.

So what is happening when Now is full of images of me almost getting what I want, when Now is not as good as it will be later?

First, I notice that this Now (that is not as good as it will be) feels small. I’m not aware of everything that is happening here. It’s hard to pay attention to this moment, actually, I’m very distracted about the future possibilities.

I find one of my favorite questions is “what is making me feel this way?”

It can be hard to find out. A wonderful doorway in to reaching this awareness is to identify what we’re thinking, believing or repeating to ourselves over and over.

HOLY COW we can be thinking volumes of stressful thoughts, beliefs, ideas. How can we possibly narrow it all down?

By slowing down, sifting and and sorting. Trusting that you will know. Identifying the most obvious stressful belief…the one on top.

This is one of my favorite parts of the one-to-one counseling relationship, by the way, when a therapeutic relationship can be so incredibly useful. A counselor or therapist can help ask the most effective questions, can help capture them, make them known.

Those years ago, when I took the phone into the bathroom with me and saw myself suddenly and the discomfort of that moment, the next thing I did was go to my couch with a pen and paper.

I wrote down “I need him to call me”.

I asked myself if it was true. Really? Do I really need that? No, chuckle…of course not! I’m fine! Breathing, alive.

Do I need him to call me for my emotional happiness? Is that what I need? Absolutely not true. Wow.

How I react when I think I need or want something that is NOT happening right now is not very peaceful, that’s for sure.

Without the thought that I need this thing, that I want it (you fill in the blank) then what would your experience be instead? What do you notice?

Without the thought that I want something or need something to be happy (or happier) then his moment is bigger, richer, fuller. I see much more right here. I am so much more aware. I hear sounds, see colors, notice the furniture in the room. I feel my own body, I am more alive.

I turn the thought around “I do not need him to call me”. I sit with that concept and find examples of how this is true.

Could it be true that you do not need, or even want, what you thought you wanted? Is it possible that what you want is present here, now? Or that it’s fine if the things you think you want are NOT here right now?

What did I want, for example, back in that moment so long ago? Connection, attention, love, laughter, flirtation, fun, happiness, adventure.

Do I have to have these things RIGHT NOW in order to have a good life?

No. In fact, things go up and down, life is not static. It flows. In and out, life and death, here and gone, back and forth.

Not always trying to get to the “good” parts or “high” parts or away from the “bad” parts of the journey is such a relief. So much less pressure, no pushing or pulling. Less waiting. Maybe no waiting at all. Here, now.

“Hoping for something in the future disconnects you from who you really are. The orientation of expectation or of having a goal to accomplish does the same thing. For example, you may be thinking that one of these days, you are going to be enlightened, so you are working at it now. Light would never think that way; it doesn’t posit an end state in which everything is going to be wonderful, and it doesn’t say that we have to practice now in order to get to that goal. For light, that is completely nonsensical; there is just now. Now is just wonderful the way it is, and now is all that we have.”~A. H. Almaas in The Unfolding Now

After that day noticing my phone in the bathroom with me…I stopped taking my phone everywhere. I discovered that what I really wanted was to be here, with me, in my own company, not waiting.

What I notice I really want is awareness of what is present here with me RIGHT NOW. This feels like what I can do, I can’t wait for all that other stuff to change so that I can be happier. I notice something is off when I am waiting for someone to call.

“I need me to call myself right now.” Yes, that turnaround is the most true.

Ring Ring Ring—Hello Grace? This is Grace! WOW! I’ve been meaning to sit with you and have a really good talk.…

Love, Grace

Posted on

Wanting To Be The Boss Of Everything

I was reflecting this morning in quiet meditation before getting out of bed about how frequently I’ve heard others speak about their belief of not being enough.

They come to me to work on their terribly uncomfortable experiences of being abandoned by another human being, they come to work on not having enough money, on having too many conflicts with other people at work, on sadness around their children.

Everyone has stressful beliefs, it seems. And many, many of their beliefs point back to this underlying feeling: I am just not big enough, loveable enough, kind enough, fun enough, good enough.

Just so irksome, because I would prefer to be enough, and to be the boss of the universe.

Me, all by my little self is just such a tiny miniscule drop in the big ocean of the universe, and this is NOT a good thing. It’s weird at best, horrendous at worst. I have no power to change “THIS” stuff that I don’t like.

I began to feel this way about life during my first memories. I remember discovering with shock at age five that I was expected to go to school every day. When school first started, I thought it was a superbly fun idea and that my parents somehow were involved in getting me there….but as soon as I didn’t want to go anymore I was AMAZED that what I wanted didn’t matter in that moment.

I was going whether I wanted to or not, it turned out.

When I was about 8 years old my mother went to something called Weight Watchers. I learned that sometimes people on this planet have a problem with their bodies. They don’t like how they look! OR, they are thinking about food all the time (or other substances) and also thinking, at the same time practically, that they DON’T want to think about them.

When I was 10 years old I was swimming with my dad. My dad dove off the diving board into the pool and a few seconds later came to the surface with red blood coming out into the water from his head. Lots of activity happened, people were talking loudly with big sounds, rushing around, my dad was holding his head and getting slowly out of the pool in the shallow end, it looked like he was stumbling.

There is a flurry of images, activity, then fear. Then watching or acting, just movement happening. Things comes back to center, they calm down. People go to the hospital, healing occurs.

Things break apart, then come together. That appears to be the way of it.

But this feeling inside that I WANT TO FIX IT starts to grow, for some more than others. THIS IS AWFUL, I CAN’T STAND IT, IT WILL NOT BE OK, I HAVE NO POWER TO HELP.

Not enough, not enough, not enough. This thing that just happened is really not good, it should never happen again. I’m afraid.

When I was about 15 I started believing more acutely than ever that I was not good enough. I was selfish, I wanted stuff for myself, I wanted to be supported and secure. I wanted people to like me, I cared about other peoples’ opinions. I didn’t think there was enough love to go around.

I started hating my body. I started noticing that I wanted to eat like a pig, to stuff food in, to eat voraciously.

The more self-hating I got, the more critical, mean and nasty, the more I looked at myself and said “God, you could do so much better…” the more I wanted to eat.

And then, of course, the voice only got louder. So I started to seek for answers to this terrible problem called “Me”.

Then, something happened. The voice got so loud, the pain got so severe, and I felt so defeated and beaten to a pulp, that I became willing to open myself to other ways of thinking. It was either that or die, it seemed.

I was introduced to the idea that I could love myself just the way I am. And that meant, also, loving the world just the way IT is.

To those of us self-haters….this is a very foreign concept. If I love myself here, now, and the world around me….then how will I improve?

Oops….wait. To love myself means I need no improvement.

It means the WORLD needs no improvement.

Mothers don’t like their bodies, fathers get their heads cut, children have to go to school. These things seem to happen.

It is thinking that something actually needs to change that creates the feeling “I am not enough”.

I am powerless over the way the planet is run, it turns out. That is the reality of all this.

Doh! Gosh….and I thought I wanted to be the boss of everything!

Could it be that you’re enough, just as you are, in this moment, right in this situation, with things happening around you that feel uncomfortable?

“The Master’s power is like this. He lets all things come and go effortlessly, without desire. He never expects results; thus he is never disappointed. He is never disappointed; thus his spirit never grows old”~Tao Te Ching #55