Tag: self-criticism

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If you think you’re screwing up….you may be missing what’s really bothering you

I’m thrilled today to offer, for a third time, the MasterClass on our human barriers to doing The Work (I walk through ten of them I’ve identified)….and what helps to dissolve them. We get underway at 2:00 pm Pacific Time and will be going for a minimum of 2 hours.

What I know about doing something many times is, you get better and better at it, naturally. You learn through doing it.

This applies to doing The Work, too.

But we sure do feel lousy when we look at ourselves and have the thought “you’re doing a horrible job” or “you made a mistake” or “what a dummy!”

Yikes, that self-flogging is hard to bear, and yet very common.

self-criticalme
Is your worst enemy……you? Find out what you’re really afraid of.

Just the other day, in the Summer Camp call, someone had a worksheet on The Work itself.

I was so moved by the honesty and the thoughts about this “thing” called “Doing The Work” and then this other entity called “me”, noticing how the “me” in question is a Big Fat Mess….

….and “The Work” needs to fix it. ASAP.

Problem is, when you really believe this is true, the BFM (Big Fat Mess) is attacked. It must be stopped.

We’re at war!

We feel the need to do The Work, or many other modalities that tend to invite and result in powerful change, because of one single basic deep assumption:

What I Am Is Not Good Enough.

What I am is not working, not succeeding, mediocre, imperfect, a procrastinator, a mistake-maker, poor at decisions, basically and inherently Less Than.

Ouch.

It’s hard to question all the thoughts you identify that are directed at YOU, this entity with so many problems, because part of you can’t see the underlying assumption that hurts so much and lies beneath everything and every strategy to fix it.What is happening isn’t good. I can make it change.

Double Ouch.

So what if for just a second, you stopped trying to fix yourself and your BFM (Big Fat Mess) ways……..and you directed your attention to what’s happening that hurts or feels very frightening?

If you think you’re a dork at making money, how about looking at money….instead of condemning yourself and beating yourself to a pulp trying to get yourself to pursue more money all the time?

If you think you’re horrible at love and relationships….how about looking at those relationships and wondering why you want them, what they give you, what you believe is necessary about them or necessary about getting them away from you, so you can be happy?

If you think you’re a ridiculous parent….how about looking at your kids and how they behave that suddenly has you acting like an eight year old yourself, and then feeling ashamed of it?

If you think you’re a terrible employee….how about you look at your boss, or co-worker, or the place you work and seeing what annoys you or frightens you about it that rubs you the wrong way?

If you think you’re an addict….how about you look at your terror, the times you felt traumatized, the encounters that made you feel deeply upset, maybe from the distant past?

The attack at the self often comes right on the heels of seeing a situation and thinking “This can’t be so, I can’t take this, this is failure, I’m afraid of what’s happening!”

All I know is, I have found it far more powerful to stop looking at improving myself, which is really Step 2 that the speedy mind comes up with anyway, and go for the jugular.The jugular, the most important vein, the source of nourishment and life to those thoughts about “me” and what a terrible person I am.

This is the situation I see around me, the condition of life I’m living in, the contact I have with reality….and how upset and frightened I am by it.Money, Time, People, Change, Earthquakes, Physical Injuries.

If they scare me, then I’ll work on myself forever trying to make it so I can be resilient, amazing, tough, brilliant, successful and a master of them all!

And…..dare I say it…..Rule The World!

(Little joke. My former husband who is hilarious says it with a British accent, which you should probably try, too, wringing your hands together like a mad scientist).

Isn’t that the ultimate goal, even if you have wonderful, favorable, morally beautiful goals like “enlightenment”……..you’re trying to get yourself to be different, better, more improved, beyond human?It’s gonna hurt.

Why?

Because you ARE HUMAN if you’re reading this. At least I’m pretty sure you are in the way I mean it.

And what is a human?

An incredible, genius life-force of powerful creative, spacious, aware energy turned “on” for “x” amount of years on this planet by something we-know-not-what but we call it Source, God, Universe, Reality, Life, Mystery.What else is human?

Making really goofy mistakes, having big emotions and crying, feeling fear, learning about people, wailing and suffering, doing dingy things, loving, forgetting stuff, dying, believing thoughts, hurting other people, sleeping, waking up, going to war, illness, going on adventures, feeling joy, grabbing, breaking apart, sharing, coming home.In the midst of all this….a most incredible mind built for inquiring into meaning, built for wondering.

A mind somehow here to help us feel what it’s like when we let all parts of humanness dance, dance and dance.A mind capable of identifying and questioning fearful thoughts, and unraveling their power, one questioned thought at a time.

“Truth is not lacking or held in abeyance for some later date; it is given in full measure, and abundantly so. Do not be afraid of what appears to be chaos or dissolution–embrace the full measure of your life at any cost. Bare your heart to the Unknown and never look back. What you are stands content, invisible, and everlasting. All means have been provided for our endless folly to split open into eternal delight.” ~ Adyashanti 

If you’d like to join the amazing inner adventure of personal inquiry practice, Year of Inquiry early bird closes Friday, and our first group telecall is Tuesday, September 8th.

The curriculum? Your life. All the most common topics we humans tend to experience as painful. You know what stresses you out. This is the scaffolding that allows you to question it. Read all about it here.

Much love,Grace

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The greatest gift: a way to see beyond illusion (join Year of Inquiry)

Barrier #1 in the recent masterclass presentation I gave, on where we get snagged when doing The Work of Byron Katie, is maybe the biggest, most widespread, most fog-inducing, discouraging barrier of them all.

The short version is, it’s the I-Hate-Myself barrier.

When you feel at war with reality, but mostly, with the reality of YOU.

Here’s a Peace Talk about it I made for you.

In the end, all roads through The Work lead back to this “self” we’re imagining ourselves to be in the presence of others, in the presence of God/Reality/Source/Life….
….and finding we are not who we thought.peacetalkcover

Who are you, without your thoughts about you?

(Can you hear the silence and not-knowing-how-to-answer this question?)

Now, here’s the strange thing about this very deep and cosmic question:

I would have never come to wondering who I was without thoughts about even myself, were it not for doing The Work on many other things and people and circumstances and situations besides myself.

Doing The Work on others was the key.

As I’ve been kind of repeating lately, excited about what Byron Katie invites us to….do The Work on Mother, Father, Sister, Brother!

Doing The Work on everything else under the sun, and going way back-back-back….

….is the way forward.

In the upcoming Year of Inquiry (some incredible people are signing up OMG I’m so excited) we have a topic every single month, for ten months….

….with a free-for-all Summer Camp session in the summer of daily inquiry on anything, for everyone.

I mention this because people have been asking me how I came up with topics for Year of Inquiry, and why do we do The Work on others anyway?

So many people hear about The Work and get this sense of freedom, and immediately think “I’ll apply it to ME, I’ll finally change, I’ll improve myself and stop being so full of complaints.”

But it doesn’t work so well, oddly enough, to do The Work on yourself.

It’s so much easier and more profound, and so much more clearly and paradoxically ON YOURSELF when you do The Work on other people, places, topics and things. You can see these other things easily, with lazer sharp clarity and precision.

So in Year of Inquiry, we start with what annoys you in any way whatsoever. Anything. You name it. You call it.

The first month, we start with what you notice is disturbing, and it doesn’t even matter what it is.

After kicking it off with just where we are, we move into FOO.

Family of Origin.

And from there, many other common topics all of which create fear, worry, irritation, and sadness.

We look at our Complaints, Hurt-Anger-Fear, Money, Body, Love, Goals & Desires, The Worst That Could Happen, and Loss.

How did I come up with these topics?

I listened to all the clients, groups and retreats (and my own worksheets) filled with people who have come to inquire over the years. The same themes come up over and over.

So we start at the very beginning (I always hear Maria in the Sound of Music singing when I say this) followed by looking at FOO, as I already mentioned….and then we continue by noticing what we complain about, daily, weekly, yearly, or every time we run into that person? What’s going on when we complain?

As we move through complaints, we become more comfortable with feeling our stress, and seeing the feelings as useful pointers to our thinking. What happens when we feel hurt, angry, or afraid? What brings these emotions out in our lives?

What about money? What’s enough? Who has it, and why, or why not? What makes it so scary, or disappointing? Where did I get the money I use–is it OK with me? Do I like to receive? Do I like to work? What is money, to me?

And of course, the body is an area filled with stressful concern. We look at the Body in our sixth month. What do I dislike about this body I seem to live in? Whose body is it? What happens when it gets injured, or feels pain? What about other peoples’ bodies?

Then there’s love….oh my…love. (Huge topic of stressful thinking). Who have I loved, been attracted to, bonded with, slept with, broken up with?

In the seventh month in Year of Inquiry, we explore Goals and Desires, because these are so expected, wanted, planned for so many of us. How can we have a goal, and love what is, at the same time? We get to take a look at what we’re thinking and believing that’s painful when it comes to having dreams for the future, and working towards something.

Finally, we spend basically the last two months before Summer Camp diving deeply into a powerful and troubling topic: The Worst That Could Happen. We’re basically looking at our terrible fears. We’re asking, when it comes to any situation we encounter that feels uncomfortable, no matter how “light”….what we’re most afraid of, in our situation?

All of these are huge, wide-open areas of human suffering, and as a human (for those of you who are humans reading this) then you’ve probably experienced concern in any of these common areas of discord, worry or fear.

Something’s going wrong.

I shouldn’t have to experience this.

Strangely….only by combing through what appears as a concern outside of me, in all these areas, have I ever been able to actually stop all those self-critical nasty thoughts about myself, and let go of agonizing about what is.

Practicing The Work unravels stressful thinking. It unravels suffering.

Who would we be without our stories? About others, and most importantly about ourselves?

What I have found, is we would be pure love, and peace, and freedom.

If you want to do The Work in a dedicated, committed group of inquirers for an entire year, then join me in this gift of inquiry.

Early Bird sign up lasts until August 19th, so you’ve got time to think about it (there is no urgency and no emergency) and after that it’s still a very inexpensive way to get and stay connected to dedicated time for self-inquiry through every season of an entire year.

Everyone in Year of Inquiry has sixty days to fully participate in the experience before making a final decision—there’s only a fee of $100 for the first month, or another $100 for the second month of the program, if you choose to withdraw….even if you didn’t decide to withdraw until Halloween you’d only pay $200.

I do this on purpose because I want only people to continue through the year who deeply know they like the process of inquiry, not just the idea of inquiry.

Everyone gets two whole months to sample and sink into the experience of this meditative work by participating in all the telesessions, our first two monthly webinars (September and October), and partnering if they choose with other members of YOI.

After two months of seeing what it’s like, most people get the sense of what doing The Work regularly, every week, may do for their inner world and their lives. If it’s not for them now, it’s OK.

What I know is….when I came into The Work all I wanted to do was question thoughts about myself and what I had done wrong (I’ll tell you more about my first true inquiry session in the next Grace Note).

Then I followed the simple invitation from Byron Katie and the steps of The Work to identify judgments I had about other people, the world, money, bodies, being alive, love, and what I thought of as reality.

Looking at all of these, I truly did The Work on myself.

Freedom didn’t happen in an instant. It unfolds daily, with every time I ask “is it true?”

This Work gives the mind something it loves to do: rest.

To not rely so heavily on “figuring” everything out. But instead, to wonder what it’s like without thinking.

How fun is that?

“To have a way to see beyond illusion is the greatest gift.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

To read about Year of Inquiry, which begins in September, head over to here.

Much love,

Grace

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Eating Peace: Is it your body, or is it your thinking, that’s too fat?

People with eating issues often have criticism (or let’s be honest, outright hatred) of their own body image.

If they see themselves in the mirror, or in a window…..ugh.

(I used to feel like this, and it was super automatic).

And then on top of the self-judgment, they think “Why am I so judgmental? Why am I so superficial when it comes to my appearance?!!”

You can’t win.

Here’s a deep way to work with these kinds of body judgments.

Open yourself up to this inquiry. You may be amazed. And fascinated (like I talk about in this video when I saw my skin around a scar this past week).

Peace,

Grace

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I am bad

dooropening
What are you without the belief you’ve made a mistake, done it wrong, or that you’re bad?

“If I had derived my identity from what the world was telling me, or what my mind used to tell me, I would have been a total failure. Then…a total success.” 

I had to chuckle while listening to the brilliant Eckhart Tolle as he said these words, describing himself first at age 50 and then a few years later, after his book the Power of Now had swept the world and become a best seller.

He was talking about this Self, whatever he apparently was (which he no longer believed anyway).

For most of us, we have moments of feeling like failures, or successes, and everything in between.

Have you ever felt like you failed with a partner? Failed with your kid? Failed in “x” area?

(I often hear about failure from people who have struggled with addictions–someone just wrote to me this morning, for example, pleading for help with her eating disorder).

My heart goes out to people when they feel this self-criticism and negativity, this torture about being who they are.

I am bad.

I know it’s hard to do The Work on ourselves, but let’s look today….it’s what appears today for inquiry!

If I really ask myself about this idea of being bad, whether I am bad or someone else is bad, I notice I have this equal and opposite urge to move into the idea “no you aren’t, stop thinking that, you’re good, it’s OK” and wanting to soothe.

Both sides of that BAD coin don’t really feel that great, though. Not thinking you’re bad, not thinking you need soothing and fixing.

Not if YOU are the bad one/failing one….or if someone ELSE is the bad one/failing one.

So let’s take a look.

I am bad, a failure.…(here’s my proof: I’m acting too negative, I’m co-dependent, thinking about “x” too much, Not Present, not being the perfect spiritual person, too critical, a procrastinator, not organized enough, not living up to my fullest potential, didn’t make enough money, didn’t plan well, not succeeding, mediocre, eating ice cream, drinking coffee, watching netflix, etc, etc, etc).

You’ve got your thing you’re failing at, right?

Bad Job.

Is it true?

Well…..yeah.

I mean, look at her, him, them. Do you see those people? Those are SUCCESSFUL people.

Now look at me. See what I mean? I’ve had a whole lifetime and my sisters are doing “x” and I have a midget-sized house and I never get my book done and there are all these incredible people making a million dollars (not me) and I never learned a second language and I haven’t done a Ted Talk and…..

You get the idea.

You may notice you have moments in time where the way you spoke with someone, you considered “bad” or “failure”.

But are you sure it’s absolutely true that YOU are bad, wrong, a failure in that situation?

Who is the You who is answering this question?

Who is the You who you’re looking at, the bad one? Where is this person? Where is this person right NOW?

How do you react when you believe the thought you’re bad, wrong, you failed?

I don’t know about you…..but it’s a dark, cold, sinking, thick feeling.

I can hear it when I’m facilitating people who have this thought. They report that they feel sick when they believe this thought, or depressed. Or, like the person who wrote to me today….they’re frantic, desperate, suicidal.

Now, pause.

Who would you be without your thought that you are bad, you did it wrong, you failed?

Yes….as you watch yourself and your mind fill with images of the past and the mistakes, and images of the future you’re worried will happen….

….who would you be, even if you’ve got pictures running through your head, or voices chattering on the inside….

….who would you be WITHOUT believing this thought?

Just hold still for a minute.

What is happening right now, without any idea that you’ve done something wrong, or anything bad, or bad-ness is part of you or what you are in some situation?

You might still feel some feelings, like sadness, or very afraid, or nervous, or dull, jumpy, thick.

You feel how the energy is moving and where it floats and what happens to it, without the thoughts you’re bad. Close your eyes and feel it, feel everything here now.

Do you feel it? Just the sense of pulsing, and being alive, and what it’s like to not be so sure of your mental evaluations of yourself?

What if you just did not know what was true about “you”?

Kinda funny. Makes me smile, actually.

Can you turn this belief around to the opposite?

I am not bad. I am good. I am ____. I am.

Ooohhh.

“The body reacts to your mind. The body believes your thoughts to be real. Mind patterns often create fear. The thought creates the emotion because you’re totally identified with the thought. The body responds as if the thought is reality. The body can’t tell the difference, what you think affects the body. By seeing thought as untrue is the only way to become free. You can only see it as untrue with awareness. Without awareness, the thought swallows up your entire consciousness. Simply allow everything to be here. Allow the feeling to be here. Without feeling you shouldn’t feel it either. Allowing it….brings awareness.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I notice the sense of “bad” or “good” is ever-changing, coming and going, here then not here.

Letting it all be here, just the way it is.

No mistakes.

Much love, Grace

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You know that improvement thing you should do?

youshouldbeOne of the strangest experiences some of us have about change or learning or inviting something new into our lives….

….is when something is right in front of us, and we’re intrigued, and we even know it’s helped others and we’re pretty sure there’s something good about it for us….

….but we don’t get around to it.

  • I really should start doing yoga.
  • I really should get into meditating daily, like I used to.
  • Doing The Work would be a great practice for me. 
  • I should stop eating so much. Or smoking.
  • I really should learn to communicate better with my partner.
  • I should start a savings account, I should pay off my house, I should quit wasting time on the computer.

But.

What is that….the “but”?

It’s like some other voice, or thought, or idea unconsciously comes up to meet this interesting plan about doing things differently and says:

NO!

Not enough time. Not enough energy. Not enough guarantee that it will work. Not enough motivation.

And then do you notice what typically happens?

Self-flagellation. Kicking yourself with your own thinking. Listing all the reasons why you’re a loser.

Not everyone does this, but if you do….you’re not alone. (I raise my hand, I’m great at this strategy).

Have you ever noticed this interesting result of self-hating thoughts?

Hacking yourself apart mentally has this weird way of detracting you from actually changing.

You enter punishment mode, so now, you’re busy.

Gosh….and you don’t actually have to look at the deets on what’s occurring that results in No Change.

Here’s a great question to ask, to get you started.

If you made this change, if you added this activity into your life, if you implemented this behavior, if you quit that thing you don’t really enjoy doing….

….what do you believe you would have?

This is the season of taxes in the USA. The other day I had to start getting all my documents and itemizations and totals ready to hand over to the accountant. My annual income is better than ever. I’ve never earned so much in my life (this isn’t saying much–but that’s another story). Which means, I owe taxes.

Just the very act of looking at the year and having to answer questions about what expenses were for, I started feeling uncomfortable. So uncomfortable, I had the thought “it would be better to never earn any money than have to tell other people, like an accountant, what I spent things on”.

Flash Thought during the money conversations: I need to win the lottery. 

But what would I have if I had a lottery win?

I’d be able to be frivolous with some expenditures. I could give money away freely. I wouldn’t have to think about how to responsibly attend to every penny. I could go on my meditation retreats and spend money on all the spiritual type things I do without guilt!

I could NOT have the conversation about business expenses because…..who should have opened a Self-Employment Pension SEP thingie (I didn’t know what it was either until yesterday)? Not me! I wouldn’t have to be responsible that way and have to worry about such stupid things as the future.

Leave me alone! I’m trying to meditate!

Many people resolve to make changes that change their health, or their relationships.

But they don’t actually do it.

What are you avoiding?

This is a serious question. The flip side to what would you have, if you had this thing you desire in the future.

For me (for starters), I imagine through winning some big amount of money I’d be free to spend no questions asked, and I’d avoid the criticism of others about all these retreats I attend. I’d do the SEP thingie, and still get to have fun.

I don’t stop there…..I keep going with the inquiry to dig into the underlying beliefs.

What would I have if I were free to spend on retreats no questions asked?

Happiness, relaxation, fun, excitement, understanding, acceptance.

What would I avoid, if I went on all these retreats?

The drudgery part of needing to earn money, count money, set aside money, pay taxes with money, “work” at promotion, growth, announcing my retreats, getting clients.

What would I have, and avoid, then?

Gulp.

Now we’re getting down to the nitty gritty rock bottom dark stories. Sometimes, they’re embarrassing.

My story is with lots of won money, I could avoid the unknown future, “needing” money, fear of not having enough, fear of not being useful or making a difference, and fear of not being very good at what I do and not helping anyone (because I wouldn’t be trying).

I could gain safety from all this.

I am also afraid of peoples’ jealousy (if I won a bunch of money) and thinking I should give some to everyone I know who needs it (quite a few people, I see in my mind).

So you see….

…..by exploring closely the tiny moment of stress I experienced in a meeting to talk about income and taxes…..

…..I see what frightens me about the future, or the past, and takes me away from this present moment now.

You can do this with any thought you have about what you should be doing so that your life would be improved.

(We look at this deeply in Eating Peace work, for example, to explore why we might want to be eating, instead of raking ourselves through the coals with condemning thoughts to punish ourselves for doing it).

Who would I be without the belief that it would be easier or more fun or offer freedom to have a ton of lottery-won money right now?

Noticing I’m resting comfortably on a beautiful cream-colored couch, in my lovely sweet living room, feeling this room, and this body, and this life. Hearing wind chimes ring.

Turning the thoughts around:

  • I should not do yoga–I could try only one small simple class for the joy of it, and I don’t “have to” do anything. 
  • I notice I love sitting quietly, again no “have to”.
  • Doing The Work is great practice for me. I join with others to share in it (so much fun). It’s the inner adventure of a lifetime, and a joy beyond belief.
  • I should keep eating, or smoking, to understand why I do it and sort out the internal workings of my soul…until I’m done.
  • I really should learn to communicate better with myself, and it will naturally be better with the world.
  • I should not start a savings account, I should not pay off my house, there is no wasting time. Not out of fear, only out of pleasure. 

Every time I truly wish for something different, and tell myself I should be doing it….I’m at war with what is.

I’m either thinking something’s missing in the present, or I’m avoiding something frightening about the future.

So yesterday, I spoke up.

I said to my husband, after the accountant meeting, “I’m worrying right now that you might be judging me for spending so much on retreats last year.”

You know what he said?

“No, not at all. You were investing in yourself. And maybe I have some ideas on how you could prepare better for tax time, and save a little.”

No resentment, no criticism, no fear.

“A thought may arise: ‘It’s okay now, but it’s going to be different when I step out the door’….Stop right here! Don’t think more–it is quite enough. Don’t say more–it is quite enough. Don’t strive more–it is quite enough. Now, don’t touch any idea of moving forward–simply rest as This, as it is, without that, as it could be. Now drop the idea of being This.” ~ Mooji

Who would you be without your list of shoulds?

Much love,

Grace

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Want a new identity?

Open yourself to this moment, and everything falls into place
Open yourself to this moment, and everything falls into place

This month the Year of Inquiry program is looking at the body, physical conditions or limitations, feelings like “exhaustion” we don’t like.

But really, the sticky beliefs we have about the body are almost the same as the ones we have about anything that feels uncomfortable.

If it’s a person, an experience, a condition, an interaction, part of reality and it causes anxiety, heartbreak, worry, or rage…..

…..often we have the same reaction.

Kill it.

Now, I’m kind of joking around here.

But “kill it” can mean the following: get away from it, destroy it, figure out how to crush it or punish it or make it go away forever, work hard to eliminate it, seek help to change it, and never be happy unless it looks like you might be successful at putting an end to your contact with this thing, person, condition, interaction or experience. Forever.

People in Year of Inquiry were noticing weight, shape, or feelings all as being “wrong” and how much the mind suffers when something is present that it thinks shouldn’t be.

I’ve had the same feeling with people, or with the condition of “not enough money” or even towards my own MIND.

It’s a problem.

How to solve it?

Make it go away. It shouldn’t exist. Not like this.

But let’s look at “change” and the wish that something was different than it is.

I demand this to change. Now.

Can you feel the stress? The frustration? The fury at that thing Not Changing?

What if you wished this about your mind, and the act of thinking itself?

Yeah! It should be calmer! It shouldn’t run around like a Tasmanian Devil. My thoughts should be relaxed, still, sharp, genius, and non-judging, and Not Bored.

Haha! As if.

(You know the saying “as if”? You say it with sarcasm like a super rebellious teenager and it means….”As If that could EVER happen!”)

So let’s do The Work on this demand for something to change–even the mind itself.

Is it true that it should change?

Answer this question about whatever it is you really, really think would be waaaaay better if it changed, upgraded, improved, stopped.

Are you absolutely sure it should?

Um. Pretty sure. At least…..

…..dang, now I’m confused.

Maybe not. Maybe I can’t know if it should change, this thinking mind. I’m not really trying to MAKE it think. It’s just doing that.

How do I know it’s not supposed to, or that I’d feel better if it didn’t?

I know how I react when I believe my mind is a problem.

I hammer away at it. I read books about “thinking” and changing the mind. I feel irritated with it. I’m sure there’s something I’m missing, that other people are enjoying out there. Poor me.

Who would I be without this belief, though?

Clunk.

Going blank.

You mean….no belief that this needs to change? No conviction that this is bad, and must be fixed?

Wow.

Wait, even the mind?

Yah.

What if you didn’t believe your evaluations were true, that this should go away, it needs to change, you will be happier later (and you aren’t right now)?

Who would you be without your thought that your thoughtsshouldn’t be as they are?

Hilarious, right?

“At the core of our suffering is the sense that something bad is happening to us. In fact, that’s what the word suffering literally means–to undergo or endure. There’s a sense of passivity (from the Latin passio, meaning ‘I suffer’), of not being in control, of being the victim of life….When the pain is not deeply accepted in this moment, I become ‘the one who is in pain’. And then the search is on. I do not want to be the one who is in pain. I want to escape pain. I want to be the one who is NOT in pain. I don’t want to be pain’s victim. I want a new identity!” ~ Jeff Foster in The Deepest Acceptance

What if you turned it all around and you stood here, right now, without any sense of anything being wrong, or happening to you….

….not the difficult person, your condition, your body, the uncomfortable moment, or your fearful or troubled thoughts?

No need for any new identity.

As if.

“Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.” ~ Tao Te Ching #23

Much love, Grace

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Changing Your Beliefs About Your Failure

I’ll be doing a live google hangout on Sunday, April 19th at 9:00 – 10:30 am Pacific Time. Come join me for a wonderful time–I can’t wait to meet you and support you in questioning your thoughts and lightening up your life. There is no charge for this event.

Join on April 19th by clicking HERE. You may want to make sure you have a google account (it’s free) to make access super easy.

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Have you ever noticed a whole belief system running in your mind that feels like a dark storm?

I can’t do it. I can’t make it. I failed. It’s over. This is terrible. I lost. It’s no use. I don’t know how. I’ll never get what I want.

Have you ever experienced a big blow in your life….

….or a series of disappointments….

….and found a voice in your head saying thoughts like these, maybe over and over again?

How do you feel about desiring things, moving towards something, having dreams and visions…..and maybe not achieving it, or getting to where you’d like to be?

Phew. It’s rough.

The thing is….

….you can question your thinking when it comes to “failure” and investigate to see if what’s going on in your mind is really, really true.

Questioning with an open, curious mind can bring you not just relief, but the incredible perspective of the turnarounds, and actually living with the OPPOSITE of what you’re thinking when you’re in that dark place.

Not long ago, an acquaintance of mine graduated from a program in mental health with her master’s degree. She had loved being in a high-level educational program, she was doing something she had dreamed of for years.

She rented an office downtown and hung her shingle up “Open For Business!”

And waited for new clients.

And waited.

And waited.

Then she had one person come, for two sessions. But the new client didn’t return.

She waited again.

So she gathered her forces together and advertised, made flyers, went to networking meetings and furiously applied her former PR skills to getting clients.

But things limped along, very slowly.

I offered to facilitate her in doing The Work, but she didn’t know me very well and said “no, I just need to hammer away at this.”

I couldn’t help notice the words “hammer away at this”.

It reminded me of myself, pushing hard, running hard, tackling something I wanted to gain with a lot of worry, energy and intensity.

Doing The Work can save a lot of time, energy, busy-ness and action.

Here’s how.

While this acquaintance didn’t choose to do The Work, like I said…..it reminded me of me.

First question: Is it true, what you’re thinking?

Oh. What did you say?

I was too busy ruminating, seeing pictures of terrible things happening, and feeling anxious.

What did you say again?

Oh! Is it TRUE?

Huh. Wow. Well, heck! Not really. I have no idea!

How do you react when you think these thoughts of failure? Even potential failure?

What does it feel like when you’re not getting where you want, what you want, who you want, or how you want it?

You may have the same reaction as the woman I mentioned…..you might hunker down and “hammer” away at the problem.

You might get really disciplined and full of striving and struggle and effort.

When I had no money left and watched my bank account empty and then go into debt, I began to react by thinking these same kinds of thoughts, and then I thought maybe its better to be dead.

Really, it was that harsh and black.

Then I did The Work, thank goodness!

So…who would you be without these despairing, negative, frightening thoughts?

What if you used your imagination to see a new way, without these thoughts, rather than seeing the sky falling like Chicken Little?

Turning the thoughts around:

I can do it. I am doing it. I am making it. I am succeeding. It’s just beginning. This is wonderful. I’m winning. It’s of use. I don’t know how (yay!) or I do know how. I’ll always get what I ultimately want.

This is not to be full of fluffy bunny positive affirmations.

This is deeply considering the benefits of what has occurred, and waiting, noticing, opening and being with joy and love instead of disappointment and hate.

I noticed for myself that I was still alive!

I noticed I was going through something incredibly wild, but actually my little cottage was quiet, beautiful and nurturing. The lights were still on. The phone still worked. The water was still connected. There was still gas in my car. The garbage company still came to pick up my garbage.

I also remember I had a picture of me telling my story of losing all my money one day, and giving other people hope to keep breathing and question their beliefs through a terribly difficult period.

I saw benefits for what was going on with lack of clients and lack of money. I noticed my dive into “no money” generated passion, power, huge energy within me…..I wasn’t so quick to give up or not bother.

I also became willing to question OTHER stressful thoughts like that I was too shy or introverted to be able to succeed in my own business.

Or not good enough to really be effective in life.

Who would you be without your story of self-criticism, judgment and doubt?

“When people see some things as beautiful, other things become ugly. When people see some things as good, other things become bad. Being and non-being create each other. Difficult and easy support each other. Long and short define each other. High and low depend on each other. Before and after follow each other. Therefore the Master acts without doing anything and teaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.” ~ Tao Te Ching #2

Much love, Grace

P.S. September 2015 Year of Inquiry mastermind group begins. An awesome journey with awesome people, inquiring together. For 3 weeks in every month, 3 times every week, you can dial-in with a fabulous group of inquirers and do your work. There’s nothing like the power of group support and connecting for becoming curious, open-minded, and finding the shifts of un-believing that you so desire in your life. Freedom. Registration opens soon!

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Life Is Never Against You

Since I’m not going to Los Angeles for the Cleanse with Byron Katie next week, I’m going to offer my own mental cleanse!

Part of my own mental cleansing will happen by me being on the Help Line and offering free facilitation all morning (Pacific time) on Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday next week, to anyone who calls.

You can check the Help Line schedule and how it works here. My favorite is working on skype, since my headphones are so deluxe, so check for me there first (before phone).

It’s a fabulous resource for anyone and everyone if you want to sample receiving facilitation through the four questions and finding the turnarounds to a stressful concept you’ve got running in your life.

Everyone on the Help Line is there to serve! That goes for facilitators and facilitated, both.

You’ll be in safe hands either way.

Don’t be shy!

If I’m not available it’s probably because I’m already with someone else….just check the Help Line schedule and call another facilitator.

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Last night our Year of Inquiry (YOI) group met for a little extra Tuesday evening session, since we won’t meet Thursday as it’s Christmas.

We’ve been looking at our common complaints in great depth.

Out of these often-repetitive thoughts and ideas about who and what we complain about are very profound underlying thoughts.

One YOI participant found that she had a belief about an upsetting situation that sounded like this:

I should have prevented it! 

Holy Moly that is a very painful belief.

When I have had this belief come through my mind, it’s been crazy discouraging.

An abortion, hurting someone I care about, being distant with a friend who wound up betraying me, not bringing something up that Iknew to address, lying about where I was or what I was doing to not hurt someone’s feelings, getting involved with a man I felt nervous about, being incredibly anxious and getting cancer, not working full time or planning for a better career….

There are many situations where we’ll think, when something difficult happens, about OUR part with great disappointment.

The part we should have known, or prevented, or been more aware of, or not been so dang unconscious about.

Ouch.

That attack towards yourself stings. Sometimes really badly.

Who would you be without the belief that you could have prevented the difficult, or absolutely horrible, thing from happening?

Some people will say “that would be letting me off the hook!”

But what if it was OK it went as it did?

What if you were actually doing the very best you could, with what you knew and believed and had learned?

What if you always have been doing the best you could?

“What’s worse, the falling rain, or your resistance to getting wet? The changing winds, or your battle against them? The grass as it grows, or your demand for it to grow faster? This moment, or your rejections of it? Consider the possibility that Life is never *against* you. You are Life.” ~ Jeff Foster

Much love, Grace

Click here to register for teleclass about learning to love yourself when it comes to money. Tuesdays 5:15 pm Pacific time 8 weeks.

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When You Start At The Beginning, Where Should You Be?

When you're at the beginning, news flash: you may not be perfect.
When you’re at the beginning, news flash: you may not be perfect.

Oh boy.

Yesterday I took my first shot at recording a podcast (remember I mentioned my new Peace Talk Podcast many weeks ago)?

The project: create a five minute presentation about inquiry, peace work, peaceful thinking…and make it fun to listen to, for anyone interested in inner change.

I mean, awesome topic, right?

First, it took me awhile to figure out how you start a recording. I see where to plug in the microphone to the computer, but then, how do I use it?

Google. Youtube. Watch training. Look over notes.

Finally. OK.

Then…turn the thing on and start talking.

However, rambling away is not exactly interesting to other people, including me.

This is for inspiration and community!

This is to be of service, and have fun while doing it!

I listened, and said “that is DEFINITELY terrible” then pushed delete, then pushed re-record, then listened, then delete, then re-record again, then delete again, then re-record again…

…until…

“Who would I be without the thought that this five minute podcast needs to be fabulous, creative, hilarious, fun, enlightening, inspiring and moving?”

How the heck would I know, at this point, at the very beginning?

Without the thought….I notice I don’t delete the last take. I leave it. I stop that episode and consider what another different episode might look like.

I noticed I was taking it very seriously. Like listening to my own voice with such high expectations, nearly impossible to achieve.

Without the thought…I’m back to mediocre.

Which is what the underlying theme of the podcast is about in the first place.

Enlightenment, self-inquiry, awareness for the ordinary mediocre person.

Like me.

Suddenly I feel thrilled, excited. Life is bringing along yet another adventure in creativity.

Nothing special required, nothing extraordinary or beyond-human needed.

Only me and a greater community of people connecting.

I turn the beliefs around about what I’m imagining should happen, and instead imagine the opposite….hilarious!

I should sound like a dolt if I do, I don’t need to be like some brilliant luminary, I look forward to being boring, rambling or uninspiring. This may go nowhere, it may go somewhere, I’m only along for the ride. I have no idea how this exactly even came about as an option or an experiment, it just unfolded and here I am, recording something called a podcast on planet earth in the year 2014.

I’m at the BEGINNING.

“Only in this moment are we in reality. You and everyone can learn to live in the moment, as the moment, to love whatever is in front of you, to love it as you….The miracle of love comes to you in the presence of the uninterpreted moment.” ~ Byron Katie

The uninterpreted moment of woman sitting on couch with new orange microphone, talking out loud about inquiry, speaking honestly, hearing the voice that comes out like a melody, enjoying this fun story at the very first chapter perhaps, without a future.

No idea what will happen next. No need to know.

I’m where I should be, now.

Much love, Grace

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Take A Break From The Self-Critical Bull

Do you ever put yourself down?

Oh man.

In the past, I’ve easily heard come right out of my mouth little phrases said under my breath TO myself, like “you idiot, what the hell were you thinking?” or “come on, pull it together, it’s not that big a deal” or “what the f*&% is wrong with you?”

It’s no secret that we’re sometimes super crazy harsh with ourselves.

My harsh voice used to be really vicious.

Geneen Roth, one of my favorite authors and teachers of inner freedom from the turmoil of eating troubles, calls it The Voice.

Or maybe it was her friend (who I also adore) Annie Lamott, who is also a writer.

Annie once said that The Voice was like KFCK radio station.

Turned on, it spouts obscenities, mean phrases, attacks, sarcasm and criticism, all directed at YOU, that no friend who ever cared about you would EVER say.

Many people who come to work with me say they really don’t think that many mean things about other people….

….it’s this KFCK radio station that’s the worst, and they want to do The Work on themselves instead of others.

The weird thing is….over time, I began to understand why Byron Katie suggests not doing The Work on yourself and your thoughts about who you are….

….but instead, to just point your finger outward and rip someone else to shreds.

It’s because when you look at yourself, your observations and perceptions are so completely insane, it’s often hard to find clarity or to perceive what the truth actually is for you.

You are in the soup, with yourself, and you can’t really ask your own mind easily to find a genuinely neutral, open-minded answerer.

Sometimes, when you’re tempted do The Work on yourself, you have a big motive.

You’re hoping you’ll CHANGE.

If you hope someone changes when you do The Work, INCLUDING YOU, then you’re setting yourself up for big fat disappointment.

I know it’s kind of counter-intuitive….to actually investigate a belief system or way of looking at something inside you (or others) without a secret wish that they will change.

Why do The Work?! I mean seriously! You mean I just have to ACCEPT EVERYTHING?!

All those nasty and imperfect qualities?!

Impossible! NEVER! I will fight for improvement of the person who I am until the day I die!

But what if you dropped the thought that you are missing something, you need to change, you KNOW that the quality you’re objecting to is bad and needs to be eliminated?

I love telling people about a conversation I had with Byron Katie once.

I said I did The Work over and over again, on the same few people, and I was still really freakin’ angry!

She replied “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? YOU ARE!”

Oh! Huh.

Then it dawned on me how much I tried to be a never-angry person.

No wonder I used to eat food and throw up sometimes long ago, or run five miles super hard, or work overtime. My anger was getting trapped in an inner explosion in my stomach.

It didn’t mean it was time for me to start yelling at everyone else, instead of yelling at myself….that doesn’t feel good either (and I already did that, anyway, on the inside).

But just acknowledging the quality I disliked, and seeing how human I was, what a relief! I started to have an attitude of being open to how much it benefitted me to experience the quality of anger….or any other objectional quality, for that matter.

Anger was powerful, zesty, fervent, intense, passionate, exciting!

Who would you be without the belief that you should change?

It’s a seriously new thought for some people. They may have had the thought they should change since age three.

“As my mother used to say, “You’re like a bull in a china shop.” Did you ever hear that? If you let your mind imagine a bull getting loose in a china shop, that’s how the me is. It’s knocking things over, things like the most precious china. With a whisk of its tail, there goes . . . grandma’s four-generation-old antique china cups! Boom-they’re gone. When your me is operating, it’s like that bull. It tends to make a lot of noise because it’s always in a slightly adversarial relationship with its moment. It produces noisy thoughts, feelings, beliefs, or opinions. It also likes to search, moving its head around, scanning for the right emotion in the body, scanning through the mind for the right concept…Inside, there is something that is not creating nearly as much noise as the me. This something else, this openness, this awakeness, is not searching for the next moment or scanning for the right emotion or experience. You can get the sense of it now.” ~ Adyashanti

Right now. No scanning for what’s wrong. No criticism.

Just wait, and feel it.

If that feels hard to do, don’t worry. Even that is OK.

Much Love,  Grace