If It Weren’t For My Flaws–I Wouldn’t Be Here

A darling inquirer connected with me on skype at our usual hour. She was in her hot, tropical, southern hemisphere…me in my cool, wet, green pacific northwest.

She had begun her personal facilitated inquiry with me because her career felt boring, blase. Like coasting.

She wanted more excitement, accomplishment, and pleasure in her life. And she had a really good-paying job and a nice house.

But she was stuck between imagination of this bigger, dreamier, exciting future….and feeling like she didn’t want to ruffle things up too much, shake her stable life too loose, burn out, have no free time.

“I get home after a long day’s work, I think about writing my book, making more money, visiting foreign places, connecting with friends….but then I feel tired. So I eat. And watch TV. And research on the internet.”

I wondered if she was afraid of something. Stuck between doing and not doing. Not liking this here, the way it is, and not liking what she might have to do to get away from this conundrum.

Fear can sometimes show up in subtle ways.

Nothing huge has to happen. There’s no trauma, no explosion, no dramatic change.

But there is a holding on, wanting guarantees, not liking it to get too uncertain or precarious…..

….like for me when my part-time job had ended, and it looked like I would need a full time job instead. Because I might be getting a divorce.

I couldn’t live on part-time income (IF I wanted to pay for my house, car, phone, groceries and heat).

I was sitting in my living room. The couch was an old brown, run down worn couch that was a fancy Brazilian furniture designers couch in the 1960s, in my parents’ house.

Now I was living on the borrowed, hand-me-down furniture from the same house in which I grew up. It used to be designer. Now, it was threadbare and uncomfortable.

Like my thinking.

I really should have planned better financially.

I should have gotten a job sooner, after giving birth to my kids. I should have picked a career more clearly. I should have gone to medical school like I considered. I shouldn’t have been too nervous to go to med school, or too much of a mess. I should have not been so innocently relying on other peoples’ incomes, like my soon-to-be-former husband.

The thoughts of self-criticism and all the ways I might have prevented this predicament piled up on me like a mountain of garbage.

You’re an idiot. You’re too mean. You’re too critical, bossy, lazy, opinionated.

If only you weren’t so flawed, you wouldn’t be in this position.

Ouch.

My client had many volumes of thoughts about herself being lazy, worthless, insignificant, small, a failure, pointless, wrong, immature, burdened.

Just like me and my own thoughts….they’re like a fire hose and full volume, all aimed at protecting and preventing pain.

Back then, sitting on that old 1960s couch wondering if I could sell it….I had The Work questions, thank goodness.

I asked myself, or it just came to me because I was doing The Work a lot, “who would you be without these thoughts of self-hate?”

Without trying to stab myself with a knife (with mean words) who would I be, right now, knowing I wanted more money….or a more exciting life, a more adventurous life, an untethered life, a more creative life?

Stop and think about it.

When I asked my client this thought….she was very quiet for a long time.

“I would sit here and wait, I guess. I wouldn’t have an inner battle with doing and not doing. I would be more relaxed. I would notice that I like many things in my life, and think about doing more.”

Without the thought that I am incapable, or unworthy, or stupid…I feel very innocent. I feel like I absolutely love this moment, this day.

Strange, but without the thought that I should have prevented this moment, that where I am is my fault, I’m more in the present.

And how do I treat this universe, my world, the way of this reality, when I do not buy those self-flagellating thoughts?

If I couldn’t believe that I am a bad person, in any way, or that I can’t handle what’s happening, that I’m not enough for myself…I notice that my whole entire body and nervous system relaxes.

“Trying to earn your own love is just as painful as seeking the love of others, and the results are just as unsatisfying. And undoing the search works the same way. When you sincerely question your unexamined thoughts about yourself, love just happens…..You can’t force this process; you can only inquire and find out what’s true.” ~ Byron Katie

My client breathed a very deep breath and considered who she would be in that moment upon arriving home after her work day without the thought that she should work on her book, or she shouldn’t feel tired, or she should DO something different….or that she should be less critical, more loving, careful, brave.

Laughter rose out of her, and we were both laughing.

The following week, she reported that for no apparent reason, she had worked a total of six hours on her book, cleaned out her closet, bought a vacuum replacement part, looked at maps of San Diego where she had thought about moving for years, and eaten less.

She had also thoroughly enjoyed watching some TV.

“Love is not a doing. There is nothing you have to do. And when you question your mind, you can see that the only thing that keeps you from being love is a stressful thought.” ~ Byron Katie 

Who are you, without the thought that you have to do something, be someone, think something, say something, feel something DIFFERENT than you feel….in order to be “good” and earn your own love?

I know I keep sayin’ it…but if you want help with this from month-to-month with a small group with facilitation to keep you looking at what you dislike in your life, including YOUR (APPARENT) FLAWS…come join Year of Inquiry.

Much love,

Grace

Giving Yourself A Hard Time

I loved hearing yesterday that many of you did indeed pick that one thought, situation, or person that has been disturbing in some way lately, and that you took note of it.

Maybe you wrote down a bunch of troubling ideas, in a wild fit of a brainstorm.

The thing that helps the most, I have found over and over again, is writing a short, simple sentence that sums up what is distressing. Not that I myself would have a whole LIST…but if you wanted an example, here we go:

“She should explain herself more clearly, they are very sad, he is so immature, sick and mentally ill I can’t believe I liked him, I should have taken care of the roof leak earlier, it will take every waking extra moment of my day to finish my book to get it done by the deadline, I should move to a sunny place during the winter, addicts make me angry, I haven’t fed my children enough raw veggies during their childhood, I should be better at home repair, I don’t ever want to get cancer again, why did I make that plane reservation for 4 am…”

It’s kind of hilarious really, and appears sort of random and ridiculous. The mind skips around with its commentary.

When something is particularly upsetting, then it appears to overwhelm the mind. More of the thoughts will get focused on that one problem, person, or situation.

One thing that is wonderful to know, is that if there is stress, especially in the body, then you know you are believing something that isn’t really true for you. You’re not in your truest, clear self. You’re maybe a little confused. It’s OK…you don’t know any better.

After you have your list, or even only one painful thought, written down, you can bring it to inquiry.  Maybe you have bigger, broader thoughts that the chatter that is relating to your personal life.  “This shouldn’t be happening, people shouldn’t hurt other people, war is horrendous, global warming is killing us, I am alone.”

Start with just one.

Now, you can question it and investigate everything about it. You can ask the four questions.

Yesterday a reader wrote to ask “what are those four questions again?” I love this question! The mind is so funny, isn’t it? It will space out, forget, become confused, grow foggy, distract itself, move on to other ideas and thoughts.

When I first encountered The Work I would forget the questions constantly and have to go find them written down again to see exactly how they were worded.

The first question: Is It True? I have written down the thought “I should have taken care of the leak in the roof sooner”.

Answer with a Yes or a No. Not with waffling around. If there’s waffling around, then you’re probably answering with a NO. But if your answer is yes, then move to question 2.

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

For my thought, that I should have taken care of the leak sooner? Heck, I don’t really know if it would have been better if I did it before or not. Not really. So no, it’s not 100% true beyond a shadow of a doubt. NO.

Third question: How do you react when you believe that thought?

I get MAD at myself! Jeez you stupid dope! Do you want to be a home owner or not?! What were you thinking? You’ll never amount to much.

The barrage of insults is not pretty. If someone ever spoke to me this way I would run for the hills! Many of us think we’ll get motivated to handle the situation best if we’re as mean as possible to ourselves. We start with one bad idea about ourselves and a second later we’re the worst human to have ever walked the face of the earth…and we will never amount to much.

I laugh now when I start talking that way, most of the time. So very, very serious. So dramatic. So extreme. Where’s the theater?

Except when you ask yourself the fourth question: Who would you be without the thought?If you couldn’t actually believe it right now? If you came from another country or another planet and you just landed here? Or if you were a tree? Or if you were happy?

Then the final step is to turn the thought around to the opposite, and there may be several ways you can do this…it can be the trickiest part for people starting The Work.

Turn Around“I should NOT have taken care of the roof leak any sooner.” Find examples of the truth of this. Real, authentic, believable examples, no matter how small.

For me, Now is as good a time as any for repairing the roof. Like any situation in life, the time for it to unfold appears to be right now, today. Who am I to dictate to the world, to anyone else, or to ME exactly when something should or should not have taken place?

I mean really, who made me the manager of the universe and the boss of house repairs and when they are allowed to happen and when I myself should have responded to them?

Byron Katie says “Who needs God when we have you?!”

“The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves.”~Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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