First, spring retreat has a nice little group of people ready to work together online May 14-17. You can sign up for parts, or all, of the retreat. Six segments in total. Come to one or all. Everyone will get the chance to do their own work in the supportive climate of being with others.
To look up spring retreat schedule and understand more about the daily program during May retreat, visit this page HERE.
Second, I heard from the program director at Breitenbush. The June 2-7 Breitenbush Hotsprings Resort Retreat in Oregon that I’m co-facilitating with the good Tom Compton is (hooray) on the schedule for in-person retreat, inquiry and rest. Breitenbush is re-opening for business on May 8th. They’ll have plenty of time to prepare for us.
We already have a good sized group registered….but because it’s been so weird, I wasn’t sure what to say, do, or announce in advance on this one, you know? How bizarre.
Because of the strange uncertainty, we’re extending our early bird sign-up to May 7th and letting you know right now “Wow! This is probably happening!”
This may be the first time some of us leave the house since the covid descended. That will be true for me, most likely. Here where I live in the state next door to where Breitenbush is located, Washington state, they’ve just announced we’re moving out of lockdown on May 18th.
The good news is, full refunds will be given with no hidden fees of any kind if there is any cancellation or extension of the current facility closure to protect from the virus.
NOTE: We may have a separate online version of the retreat if anything happens with the covid thing and we’re not meeting in person. ALSO, we’ll be teaching in early December 3-6, 2020 again at Breitenbush and that retreat is already taking reservations. Basically, any changes, there will be no penalty, and you can even switch your participation to the December event instead.
Come one, come all, for an amazing adventure of this in-person retreat where Tom and I co-pilot a deep dive into self-inquiry with The Work.
I’m looking forward to the deep breath of pristine, clean, glorious air at Breitenbush….and knowing ultimately it will happen when reality decides.
I’m planning on being there June 2nd.
If you’re drawn to participate, we hope knowing the full refund offered if it’s cancelled will make you feel comfortable calling Breitenbush now and signing up to get a good spot for lodging.
Reality will show us the way of the future. Exciting!
To read more about the retreat, visit here. It is best to call Breitenbush at 503-854-3320 to choose your lodging and confirm your stay. They’ll help you get your questions answered.
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So. I’ve heard from many people in this time of togetherness all-the-time for quite a few folks that some of their family members are driving them bonkers.
Another friend shared with me the domestic violence cases have risen fairly dramatically.
Yikes.
Lots of time together in each other’s space without lots of distance can make whatever was there already bloom a bit.
Or OK, explode.
If you’ve had the belief “they should be different!!!” you’ll know what I mean.
In the past few months, I’ve learned some things from one of my young adult children that was totally unexpected.
This child of mine, no longer a child because age 25 is an adult, wants to be called by pronouns they/them.
I had heard of this, been aware of the transgender movement, known young people going by they/them who were friends of my kids.
But once it was up front and close, it felt so personal.
Such odd thoughts came to mind, they seemed so dramatic. I surprised myself in my own reactions.
this is tragic
my child is destroying their future
I can’t do it
it’s so sad
I didn’t do a good job as a parent instilling confidence in what you’re born with
my child won’t get a job
why would anyone do this?
Sigh.
It felt almost heart-breaking to hear all these thoughts and have all the images of the future, and sadness for the “easier” past.
What did I know to do, when I woke up in the middle of the night thinking “OMG! I have to write a letter immediately!!”
Then I knew….it’s not a letter I ‘have to’ write….as if my words sent to my child will change their mind forever and make it all go away.
[Thanks for explaining it all to me, mom, you’ve nailed it, filled in the blanks, told me the truth, and now I am no longer depressed or upset–LOL].
No, not a letter.
A worksheet.
Always start with a worksheet.
I am upset with my child because…..
Is it true?
Can I absolutely know this being is ruining his/her/their life? Making it harder?
Can I know it’s really “sad”?
Who would I be without my story?
Wow.
Can I actually turn this around and sit with the idea and awareness that this is revolutionary in a brilliant way?
Yes, I could.
Without my story of this as a tragedy, I see my child is alive, contemplative, seeking, reporting having a bit of an existential crisis, concerned about humanity, gender roles, sexism, violence and the earth getting destroyed.
The person they’re becoming is unexpected, fascinating, and very thoughtful. Fluid.
If this is FOR me rather than AGAINST me….I noticed it has little to do with me.
I remember well my own life at 25. Crushing depression, also angry at gender and other societal expectations and roles. Going through a horrible eating disorder (thinking disorder).
Learning. Getting pushed into realization, despite or because of my extreme thinking.
Turning my story around:
this is incredible
my child is creating their future
I can do it
it’s so exciting
I didn’t do a good job parenting myself by instilling confidence in what I was born with–especially at age 25!
my child has a job–to be free in this world
Why would I do this (think of this situation as horrible)?
It only took about 48 hours and then returning to some new stressful thoughts to find peace, and even….joy and extreme curiosity (and there still may be more thoughts, and that’s OK).
My thinking should be different, not my child. My child should be exactly the way they are.
This being is “my” child.
Who would I be without this story?
Much love,
Grace
P.S. It really will be fun to see you and look at our very painful frightening thinking…like the kind that kept me up at night…either online in May, or in person in June. Who knows what fun horizons we can head into. The Great Unknown.
Speaking of parenting, last Friday’s open telecall was very precious. It struck me deeply when one of the inquirers did The Work on her six year old child.
It seems like it’s one thing to judge our neighbor, our mother, our father, our sister or brother.
But our children?
I shouldn’t be so upset! I shouldn’t lose my temper! I should be a good role model! I created this monster so it must be my fault my kid is acting like this!
I remember long ago age 14 when I babysat frequently. I loved the family–they had two girls.
I was the oldest in a family of four siblings, used to care-taking. I pulled out the crafty things I had used with my mom, art, drawing, and playing games. It was usually super fun.
Except one night the youngest, after putting her in her crib, kept crying.
She cried. And cried. And cried.
I’d go into her dark room, pick her up out of her crib, and hold her and say “there, there”. She’d kind of stop, and then the minute I lay her down again, wail.
After what seemed like an hour, I found myself sitting outside the hallway, the bedroom door closed between me and the child, holding my ears with frustration, feeling choked up and ready to scream and cry all at once.
This must be me! I’m such a loser I can’t even stop a baby from crying! She should SHUT UP!!
Fortunately, the toddler finally DID stop, falling fast asleep.
I then went downstairs to the basement (with one ear open, always, for another cry) and turned on the television to wait until the parents came home.
I forced myself to stay awake, too nervous about falling asleep if anything happened or either of the daughters needed me or started to…..cry.
Crying is terrible, remember?
Crying is a sign of great distress. No one should ever cry in my presence. I need to help anyone who’s crying.
No. Crying. Ever. (Clenched fists).
Who might I have been at the time, without my story? Or later with a friend when he had an outburst in a movie theater? Or with my dad when he had an exceptionally rare moment of crying in my presence? Or with my husband when he cried at the performance we attended?
I would have been so much more relaxed. So much less braced for this crying thing coming at me, like it was the worst ever.
So much kinder to myself, to the crier, to the moment as it was–a moment containing human crying. The way of it.
Turning the thought around: Crying is fine (even good). Judging is OK. Being upset with a baby for crying is normal, and I can relax. There is nothing wrong with me, or with crying.
Could these be just as true, or truer?
Could crying be a natural part of reality? I notice it is.
Turning my thoughts around again about crying: My thinking is crying, my thoughts about crying are “sad”, my own crying is normal and good and natural.
Could this be just as true, or truer, about “crying”–this thing I seemed to be so against from a young age?
What I see is, my children brought me great gifts of showing me emotions and feelings, circumstances and situations I felt opposed to, against. These situations revealed attitudes I noticed were alive before my kids even came into this world.
My beliefs about what was “good” and “bad”, “spoiled” or “selfless”, “kind” or “mean”.
Who would you be, if you were looking at your children AND YOURSELF, with fresh, new, loving eyes?
Join me if you’d like to spend more time in this adventure.
Judge your children, your own parents, the other parents who are doing it wrong, and yourself (often the “worst” culprit of all).
It sounds crazy, but it’s the most exciting way into the fire of parenting transformation I’ve ever known.
It changes everything for the better. Let’s do The Work!
May 8 – June 26, Parenting Telecourse. I like to call it the parenting path to enlightenment.
Sounds lofty, but it’s true: Question your beliefs, change your experience of parenting.
There are two ways to witness your child: one is in peace, one is not. Either way, the child is doing what she does….When my mind changed, my children changed. ~ Byron Katie
Sign up for the parenting telecourse starting May 1st
Not all of us have children….but if you do, no matter what age they are….
….you may notice you’ve thought some stressful thoughts about them and their welfare, their lives, their personalities, their successes or failures, their safety, their feelings, their attitudes.
And even worse, you’ve probably had some stressful thoughts about YOU being a less-than-perfect mom or dad.
Or maybe a horrible one.
Ouch.
Deciding to have kids felt like one of the biggest, most profound decisions of my life. (We could question if it was a “decision” that “I” made).
Little did I know, I’d have so much agony and ecstasy in my relationship with them.
The first time I ever put my first born into his car seat and drove somewhere, I was stunned with the awareness that this little tiny human being was totally dependent.
On me. And my safe driving. YIKES!!
I actually thought “what have I done?” even though I was overjoyed at his birth.
My heart was so full, and I wanted also to protect him with a fierceness I had never experienced about anyone.
What I see now, that I didn’t quite see back then even after I had my second baby, was how having kids made me aware of my beliefs about the world, about reality, about life.
And they weren’t exactly peaceful.
The world could hurt them! The world could betray them! They could die (oh, right–they actually WOULD die one day)! They could feel heartbreak, abandonment, fear!
How could I have forgotten all the difficult and terrible possibilities that can happen in life?!
And then there’s ME! I’m so unskilled, I’ve made mistakes, I don’t know what I’m doing.
Jeez. So much could go wrong!!
Oh sure, I know the world could also support them, excite them, be thrilling and gorgeous and beautiful. The world could love them, bring out their genius, creativity, ideas.
But.
Ugh.
(Worry, worry, worry).
The best thing that ever happened for me, when it came to being a parent and relating to my children as they grew up?
Finding The Work of Byron Katie.
Because then, I could question my frantic believing, my irritation, my complaints, find my turnarounds, and notice new ways to be with these humans (and most importantly, with myself).
I sat in meditation with stressful thoughts like: he got hurt, she’s suffering in school, he needs his coat, she’ll fail if she doesn’t learn to read, he lost a friend, she’s not safe, he’s too shy, she won’t listen to me, he shouldn’t smoke, she shouldn’t yell, they don’t understand me, I need them to stay alive….and be totally happy and successful while doing it.
Who would we be, without the beliefs our kids should never, ever suffer, fail, be heart-broken, feel sad, get hurt, feel scared, or even die?
This doesn’t mean we don’t care.
It’s not about being passive or detached or weird. I notice I adore my children and care about everything they’re doing.
Without these kinds of beliefs, though, about the worrisome things that could happen, I find a deep and profound freedom present about life, and the world, and how we’re all here temporarily….including our kids.
Without my stressful beliefs, I’m so much more relaxed and available instead of freaking out if they’re “late” or unhappy, or “failing”.
Without the old beliefs, there’s an out-breath.
What a relief.
Turning the thought around: So much could go right!!
How could this be just as true, or truer?
Do you notice how sweet it is to find the examples of everything that’s going “right”? This includes YOU, your own learning, the gifts you bring uniquely to the dance of parenting.
Turning the thought around again: my thinking could go wrong (not the world).
So true! My awful-izing was always worse than what actually happened.
At least five years ago, I received a wonderful invitation by a woman by the name of Jacqueline Green. She had a radio program called the Great Parenting Show. She was curious about The Work. She wanted me to come on her show. It was one of my first radio interviews.
A few years passed, and she came to one of my retreats in Seattle. Then she took the parenting teleclass I offer every year or two. Then she had her clients, who were all moms focusing on becoming awesome parents, participate in an introductory class I offered on parenting and The Work.
She says she feels transformed by learning to question her thoughts. (She speaks of herself as going from parenting disaster to master).
This past year, Jacqueline and two of her staff have been enrolled in Year of Inquiry (YOI)! I don’t know how many people she’s sent to my retreats, or for solo sessions in parenting issues.
Jacqueline and her staff members are such wonderful YOI participants, amazing moms, dedicated to reflecting on the way they are with their children and all the people in their lives….and questioning the thoughts that scare, hurt, sadden, or anger them.
Super inspiring.
And now, Jacqueline’s invited me to join her for a special Complimentary Parenting Show where many experts will be interviewed and offering their sharing to the world for free.
On this season, you’ll join Jacqueline in her years of expertise as she sits down with many parenting-related experts including not only me but the following fascinating people. (I can’t wait to watch their interviews).
1. Dr. Ned Hallowell, psychiatrist and author of books that include Superparenting for ADD, Driven to Distraction, and The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness
2. Dr. Laura Markham, best-selling author of books that include the recently released Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids Workbook, and Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings
3. Dr. Daniel Siegel, psychiatrist and best-selling author of books including the The Whole-Brain Child, No-Drama Discipline, and Yes Brain
4. Patty Wipfler, founder of the HandinHandParenting organization and author of Listen,
5. Alison Armstrong, relationship expert, author of books including The Keys to the Kingdom,
6. Dr. Bruce Lipton, acclaimed biologist and author of books including The Biology of Belief
These experts and authors, and the other 14 including me, will be answering questions like how to help your child build a caring and self-disciplined brain, how to cultivate courage, and curiosity….and how to build emotional support you need for parenting.
I will of course be talking about The Work.
This is the 7th Great Parenting Show (GPS). I’m so honored to be a part of it. It starts in 5 days and runs until April 20th and it’s completely free of charge for anyone.
To sign up for the complimentary Great Parenting Show, please register here.
Wednesday we’ll begin the treat of working together for 3 weekly sessions on parenting for any of you wanting to look directly at our worst moments with our kids. We meet 10:00 am-11:30 am Pacific Time. Sign up at the link at the end of this Grace Note.
You can’t clear it all up in 3 sessions, that would be unlikely….but you can apply the sharp tools to sit with what troubles you most deeply about your child, and take your very stressful beliefs about your child through this profound questioning process we know as The Work.
And it may be simpler than you think.
Long ago, when my kids were young I noticed one of them in particular was driving me bonkers.
I’d get so surprised by her blunt comments. I’d say something like “lets go to x movie tonight” and she’d reply “I would NEVER see that movie, are you kidding me?!”
I had a gigantic belief that she shouldn’t be rude (and this definitely was rude). She should respect me. She should respond to what I said. She should want to spend time with me.
I remember once reading a book out loud, and she got up out of the bed we were lying on together, crawled over me, and left the room.
When I asked her, as I heard her feet patter down the hall, where she was going, she called over her shoulder “Oh, keep reading, I’ll be back in a minute!”
It was hilarious.
I thought she should be captured by every word and not want to miss a single thing I said out loud. But her mind didn’t think that way.
She wasn’t like me (gasp)!
Sometimes, people think that if you question thoughts about your kids needing to love your suggestions, or mind you, or respect you, or not talk back….
….that you’ll become passive and vacant and have no inner authority and you’ll turn into a marshmallow parent (gushy sweet with no clear boundaries).
But that’s not what happened for me at all.
I found, when I questioned the beliefs, one at a time that “my daughter should like my suggestions, never be rude, and speak to me respectfully”….
….it was amazing to sit with who I would be without these thoughts.
It did NOT mean to do nothing. I was still moved to interact with her at an intimate, caring level.
I noticed when I believed these thoughts, and she said “no” to me, I had a hissy fit. I was actually fighting with a 9 year old.
(Yoo Hoo! Where was the parent here?)
Who was I without those thoughts, though, using my imagination to wonder what it would be like if I didn’t have to have it MY way?
I noticed a sense of letting go, relaxing the grip of how I demanded she behave with me. I realized I was in this with her. She was the kid, I was the parent, but that didn’t mean she had to conform to every single thing I wanted.
Perhaps I had been a bit rude. To her, but also, to myself.
Turning the thoughts around: I should like my own suggestions, I should like my daughter’s suggestions, she shouldn’t like mine if she doesn’t. I should speak respectfully to her, to myself, to the world. She shouldn’t. She doesn’t know how, and she could learn how from my (new) example.
These were so wonderful to try on and really find clear, solid examples for all of these turnarounds. Of COURSE I didn’t want her to always do what I said, like what I like. That would be an automaton, like my little slave who gave me approval.
I actually LOVED that she spoke up and voiced her opinion. I want her to do that for the rest of her life and not be stuck in people-pleasing or people-resisting.
I also wanted to speak up for my own suggestions, being very solid and clear with my requests without becoming 9 years old if I don’t get my way. She gave me fantastic practice at growing up and being the loving, very clear parent who saw her as extremely capable of respect for herself and for other people (including me).
Maybe she hadn’t known how to be open and respectful, because, um….where would she have seen a huge high level of love mixed with very clear boundaries and willingness to say “no”?
Heh heh. Not with me. If she didn’t do what I said….before The Work, I went to WAR (it felt like an explosion inside, of anger).
Yep, that daughter has been one of my gurus.
And the fun part?
While she still feels like a challenge, she’s an incredible, powerful, independent, feisty, direct person. The kind I always admire because it’s so easy for them to tell it like it is.
Who knew.
Two spots left in the Parenting and The Work class. $60 for three weeks. Register HERE. Wednesdays 10 – 11:30 am PT. You’ll dial in using a phone or your computer (audio only, not video). I’ll guide you through The Work from start to finish.
“Your children are not your children. They are sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself. They come through you but not from you. And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.”
Stabbed in the heart by that person? Staying with the broken, hurt place brings you to your humanity.
One night a week, Mondays, became family dinner night several years ago.
Everyone knows I don’t really like to cook.
I have no trouble with cooking, and I love to eat absolutely anything anyone creates (I have zero pickiness) and I love doing the dishes.
I really do not enjoy trying to figure out what to eat, choose the item, find the recipe, and actually cook or make it.
I’d make a smoothie and feel perfectly happy.
At some point I stopped trying to like to cook.
When my kids were little, I always made dinner every night. I had the same 5 things I created over and over–they were really good.
Creativity was not my interest in this department.
Then divorce happened.
Something kind of gave up trying to do whatever you’re supposed to do around meals.
I dropped the “I should(s)…..”
So after a time of the change in the family configuration, and everything starting all over again without the images in place any more of what it was supposed to look like….
….I thought, hey….my kids can do a meal once a week.
They can pick the recipe, or choose whatever we’re eating, and I’ll buy the food or ingredients.
Mondays.
Family dinner night, even if we do eat together other nights, this one is a For Sure night.
Skip to a decade later.
Only daughter here at home, age 18. Son at college.
(Son loves to cook, by the way, and owns two cookbooks along with kitchen items he bought with his own money).
During the past year, Monday night dinner night has been cancelled and thrown to the wayside many times.
I had reinstated it a few days ago.
My husband and I decided on the food.
I was working with clients until 6:30 pm, but after that…..family dinner night was going to happen!
When I emerged from my last client appointment, she was lying on the couch.
“Let’s get dinner on the table!” I declared.
“What???!!!! I HATE eating after 7 pm!! Why did you wait so long?! The only reason I’m even in this room is because of your Dinner Night or I would be going to BED! Now! I am soooooo exhausted! I can’t stand your food idea either! And why didn’t you start at least cooking already!?!”
Lightening bolt courses through me.
I say with anger….
….”Why didn’t you request a different night, then? It’s not like this is written in stone, especially if it causes so much suffering. Go to bed! Family Dinner Night is off!!”
Daughter storms out.
Sigh.
The feeling of being insulted or disrespected arose so fast in me, like a fire.
Under the surface, I am hurt.
She doesn’t care about me, she doesn’t want to spend time with me (us), she’s mean.
Who would I be without these thoughts?
I’ve been here before, in this inquiry.
I see it and feel immediately what it would be like without the belief she doesn’t like me.
If her words did not mean anything personal, I would realize right now I never really asked her if she would be up for the idea.
I didn’t let her know I’d like to spend time with her.
Honestly, I’m not even sure I liked the idea of cooking (of course I didn’t) or making a production out of it on a Monday night.
I didn’t even ask her if she felt ill, since 7 pm was very early to want to go to bed.
Who would you be without the belief someone doesn’t like you?
Even if they say “I don’t like you” who would you be without the belief that it is really, absolutely true?
I’d see them having their reaction.
I’d be with them as they have it.
I’d connect with the reality of the situation, which is that something I’ve done or said is not computing well with this person.
They’re saying “no”.
That’s it.
I turn the thought around: she does care about me, love me, want to spend time with me. I am mean, disrespectful, insulting….to her, to myself.
Could any of these be just as true, or truer?
This was another moment in time, an exchange, a place I felt the vulnerability of disappointment, loss, concern….
….a childlike core place of “ouch”.
After doing The Work for awhile in my room, I felt like I was hugging the little raw, exposed part of me.
Moments later I heard daughter came back into the living room, so I stepped out of my room, and I hugged her and stroked her back as big crocodile tears rolled down her cheeks. She told me she was thinking about how much she had to get done.
“To stay with that shakiness–to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge–that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic–this is the spiritual path.” ~ Pema Chodron
In my graduate school program 20 years ago, we had a saying. “It’s not what I do…..it’s what I do next.”
We had t-shirts made with these words on it. Our special reminder, our discovery in imperfection, in feelings, in staying with something, in repair.
My kids teach me this over, and over again.
And everyone who has ever acted like they didn’t like me, or said so.
Thank you.
“Go ahead, climb up onto the velvet top of the highest stakes table. Place yourself as a bet. Look God in the eyes and finally for once in your life, lose.” ~ Adyashanti
Yesterday was prep day for leaving on a very long journey. I’ll be traveling with my two young adult children ages 21 and 18 and my husband.
It will take many hours to reach our destination. We’ll be a long way from home.
I decided to start some of the heavy preparation two days ahead of time.
I made sure my schedule remained clear starting three weeks ago. No clients, no meetings, no classes.
A Monday of cleaning, moving clothes out of my drawers so the people staying here can make themselves comfortable, tidying up.
I ask my kids to work with me on household preparations from noon until 6 pm when their dad will pick them up for an evening out, before they leave town for almost three weeks of not seeing him at all.
Everyone’s doing their thing.
Husband is out making copies of the house key for our visitors. I’m at Rite Aid buying melatonin, dishwashing soap for the cupboard at home, travel shampoo.
My daughter is totally inspired and cleaning all the food cupboards in the kitchen, throwing away old items, washing the surfaces, organizing the canned goods (it was kind of stunning….this kind of thing has been happening for awhile from her).
I’m running a load of dishes, and vacuuming out my car.
Then I decide to locate the passports and put them on my dresser.
My son’s isn’t in the usual place, with mine and my daughters.
“Hey Benj?! You got your passport handy?”
He calls from his bedroom.
“What, mom?”
“Passport!”
Pause.
Pause.
“Oh. It’s in my safe. Up at school. In my new apartment.”
Aw jeez.
It’s not a huge emergency or anything. It takes about an hour and a half to drive there. But it’s critical, you know? He can’t leave the country without his passport.
In the old days, before The Work, I might have snapped at him. “Why didn’t you think of this before?! Huh?!”
Instead, I notice the flare of realizing, and then the wave calms down.
But I say “You need to drive up there today. Not tomorrow. It’s too important.”
I send his dad a text.
The way it all comes together is my son, his dad, and my daughter are all driving north to where my son will be attending his senior year in college starting next month. This is their new plan for the evening.
My plans aren’t different at all.
House is empty, I’m writing, I’m eating leftovers out of the fridge, I’m sitting on the front porch couch enjoying the gorgeous summer evening.
But I have a thought…..my son is going to space out of everything, he’d lose his own head if it wasn’t connected to his body, he’s soooo chill he’s going to fall asleep while standing, I need to talk with him about how often he smokes pot (doesn’t that make people slow?) and how funny he’s the one I have to worry about rather than my daughter.
Click.
That thought.
“He’s the one I have to worry about.”
It’s stressful!
I have to worry about him, is that true?
No.
Last night, the whole change of plans just fell into place without any uproar. My son, my daughter, their dad…all hopped in a car and ventured off to their evening project: get the passport and eat rare road-trip food along the way.
Who would I be without the belief I have to worry about my son?
Noticing I don’t.
He’s having his own life, and there are minutes, hours, days, and weeks where he handles it. Beautifully.
He’s the most kind, genuine person. He’s loving, easy-going, articulate, and authentically gentle and very smart.
But what if this was not his experience, and he was hurting. Or on the street. Or disappeared like someone’s son I did The Work with (presumably using meth).
Who would you be without the belief you have to worry about someone you love?
Look around.
Wow.
This doesn’t mean don’t speak with that person you care about so much.
Tell the truth, be honest.
“Tell me what it’s like for you when it comes to thinking about getting a job, or finishing school this next year, or what you like about smoking pot.”
It’s not about fading into the background or staying quiet about what you really care about.
Which is my kid.
I turn the thought around: I’m the one I have to worry about, especially when it comes to my son.
Yes.
You know what the origin of the word “worry” is, or where it comes from?
It is from “wyrgan” which means strangle.
Which so reminds me of Not Speaking.
If you have a son or daughter or person in your life who you are strangling yourself from speaking to, or speaking about, or you’re feeling mute, and strangled from saying what you really need and want to say…..
…..then speak.
I’ll let you know how it goes when I do.
I’m spending 3 weeks with him, every day, and we are talking.
No doubt about it.
“Would you rather be right, or free?” ~ Byron Katie
Peace Talk Podcast this week is on ANXIETY. I’d love your comments or to read your reviews on itunes.
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So now that I’m done with the recent in-person retreat Eating Peace and getting registrations for the upcoming 3 month online program with the same title….
….I’m aware that next Monday, only five days away….
….a teleclass begins on PARENTING.
Did you hear the shark-lurking-in-the-water sound?
Duhn-duhn-duhn-duhn.
Oh man.
Beliefs about parenting, other people’s parenting, caring for young humans, caring about actually grown up kids, judging how our parents parented….
….is intense, to put it mildly.
I would say hands down, my kids provided the most worksheets on situations where I “lost” my temper than any other situations in my life for the past ten years.
Especially my amazing daughter.
The first time I wrote a worksheet on her, I was ashamed to read it to the person facilitating me.
How could a mother be so mean, babyish, angry, and vengeful?!
My rage was intense.
And this kid was only 8 years old at the time.
She shouldn’t talk back, she shouldn’t boss me, I need her to listen (code word for listen is do-what-I-say I later realized), I want her to respect me, she is rude, ungrateful, loud, irritating, ridiculous, outrageous.
It was weird how mad I could get.
She should clean up her room, wash her dishes.
Even now I will scan the room when I enter the house, see her boots and backpack lying on the chair, and immediately think….
….”WHAT?! She should put those away in her room!”
Like it’s such a shock.
Over and over again it seemed, I questioned and entered the incredible open world of who I would be without my thoughts about my children….
….so stressful, so ingrained, so deep.
So the other day, I told my daughter “you should listen to my new podcast—that’s your DAD doing the intro and outro you know—and it’s only five minutes kinda like your you-tuber friends….I’d like to know what you think!”
She took one look at the cover art, two babies (thank you to the photographer’s son, the laughing baby on the left, who gave the thumbs-up for using the photo).
She said “I hate babies” and marched out of the room.
Who would I be without the belief she should be more respectful, or listen to my genius work (ha) or even care?
Wow.
I’d actually be laughing.
She’s funny! And spicy!
“How can you have rules and still stay out of your children’s business? Drop the rules and find out! You’ll find that your children, on their own, will live every rule you’ve ever taught them, and some of them you may not like. They are a perfect reflection of you. They turned out to be you…..Ultimately you don’t have any control over your children. You don’t have any control over anything. When you think you do, and you see that you don’t, the effect is depression.” ~ Byron Katie
I turn the thoughts around that I have about my kids, even today: she should NOT want to listen to me talk, she shouldn’t like babies, she shouldn’t clean up, I should clean up (especially my thoughts), he should lose things all the time, he should be late, she should love what she loves, I should quit being noisy in my head about their noise.
I am actually really glad she doesn’t like babies right now….she’s seventeen.
There are benefits.
I love she’s outspoken and strong. She refuses to say the Pledge of Allegiance in school, because she doesn’t agree with it.
She’s finding her way.
When I was her age, I was smiling all the time, trying to be nice, rebellious but never TOO angry or upset, and full of very conflicted feelings.
And developing a raging eating disorder.
My daughter is really quite happy with food.
That same night after the “I hate babies” comment, she came into my room before going to bed….
…..and gave me a big hug and kiss goodnight, and said “I love you, mom”.
What a cutie.
To join the 8 week teleclass where we’ll identify our most painful thoughts about our kid(s) and do The Work on them, starting on Monday at 10 am Pacific Time….click HERE.
You do The Work, and watch your kid change (or not). Give yourself some peace.
This coming Saturday afternoon 1:30-3:30 Pacific Time, Todd Smith and I will be doing a mental cleanse jam.
Todd puts these together and he’s the creator. He calls it a Taste of The Work, and it will be awesome. There’s a minimal fee. Come join us! Here’s the link to sign up on Todd’s website:
…..not long ago a mom wrote to ask me to write about the fear of your kid getting into drugs.
Who would you be without worrying about your kid?
Soooooo powerful.
These kinds of thoughts about our kids going over the deep end into ANY kind of self-destructive behavior can keep us wide awake at night worrying.
And if you’re worrying…..I can’t recommend inquiry enough on this topic of parent-worry.
(By the way, I’ll be teaching the happy parenting teleclass again this year on Mondays starting February 23rd. We talk about this kind of fear big time).
So the first thing to do when you’re frightened about your kids doing drugs, taking risks, hanging out with people you don’t like….
….is to be willing to open your mind up to the possibility that your kid’s life is not yours to control.
You can’t control it anyway, right?
You already knew that….but in this particular relationship between parent and child, it’s good to first take a deep breath and simply acknowledge it very deeply. They’ve got their own path, their own life to live, their own lessons and pitfalls to go through.
Now, as you sit to write out some of your thoughts and see what scares you the most, this may seem like a really dorky question….
….but why do you want that kid to not get into drugs?
I know, I know….bizarre question.
No one wants their children to suffer, destroy themselves, hurt other people, or die.
But what is actually upsetting about it? Why not?
Write it down.
“I don’t want my kid to get into drugs because _______.”
Then ask the same question again. Why not?
I don’t want it because I don’t want my kid to get hurt. Why not?
I found an interesting place at the bottom of this inquiry. I noticed I wanted my kids to feel really good, do well, not get hurt, not escape into drugs or do harm….
….because then I would be happier, I was sure of it.
But who would you be without the belief that your kid’s life needs to go THAT way (no drugs) for YOU to be happy and stop worrying?
What if there’s something really vital, powerful, and magnificent to be learned and exposed through something going off balance, apparently, like drug use?
What if its an invitation of some kind?
Could there be anything good about a person getting into drugs?
Whew, I know that’s still so strange to consider. But drugs exist. They are part of reality.
Why would that be, do you think? If it’s a friendly universe, why would drug use be in it?
Maybe one reason drugs exist, is to get me to calm down and be more authentic and honest about drug use. I could speak about my fears to my kid and my family, and bring up my own escapist cravings that I had when I was a teenager (too scared to use drugs, but certainly used alcohol and food and cigarettes…two of which are drugs, lets be clear).
I might say to my kid “If you use drugs, I get scared I’ll lose you. I want you to be around so I’m happy!” and we could laugh.
I might ask with great genuine curiosity about my kid’s interest in drugs, open up to an equal, connected conversation about it.
Which is what I did, when I found out my son had smoked pot.
It was a really sweet, wonderful, kinda scary conversation. I was afraid he’d get mad at me bringing it up. But I knew to bring it up.
And I notice, he’s happy, mature, reliable, honest, willing to talk, loving, and alive.
Ha ha!
“I adore my children, and I adore my grandchildren, and their suffering is their business. I let them have their suffering. They can live, they can die, and I love them, that’s what I know. I love them enough to stay out of their business and be present.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace
P.S. Someone wrote asking if people who are NOT enrolled in the 3 month Eating Peace Program can register for the Eating Peace 3-day workshop. The answer is YES. I think four more spots still available.
Just the other day in Summer Camp, a mom read a worksheet on her screaming, upset six year old.
Some of my favorite worksheets for myself have been the ones I wrote on my kids, especially my daughter.
Sometimes, it would feel like this incredible child was my guru of all gurus, the teacher who was knocking to my knees.
Kids are so great that way.
They stick around, they live with you or are there a whole lot of the time on a regular basis. No getting away from it.
And you don’t want to, not at all.
Recently my 17 year old daughter was away on a trip with her dad and brother. I went into her room to find something….
….and saw the clothes all over the floor, the clothes on the bed from when she had been packing her suitcase, the piles of things on her desk, her wardrobe doors opened with stuff spilling out.
I spontaneously started cleaning it up. I had seen it before, it had been like this for months, my mind had some chatter stirred up about lack of cleaning and messiness and blah-blah-blah but I felt energy, action.
I love turning dirty-ness to clean-ness.
It was fun.
Now, that’s not the “difficult” part of the story.
Fast forward to her arrival back home, just the other day.
She marches in to my bedroom where I’ve been working. She is furious.
“Where is my wallet?!!! It was on the floor in the exact place I always put it–you moved it!!” Frustrated eyes looking at me.
Pause, breathe, hold it…no wait…no, don’t go there. Wait…oh no!
Yep. I did it.
Me: “Well, if you had cleaned up your room beFORE then I wouldn’t have HAD to do it and then YOU would know where your wallet was!”
Her: “You move things around every time and I HATE it!”
Me: “You are so disrespectful!! I cleaned your room up and you should appreciate it!!”
I said it pretty loud.
OK, it’s called yelling.
She started crying.
Instant softening of my body, a sort of collapse down, awareness that I have hurt my kid, that I snapped, was impatient, felt furious.
I quick sat up, opened my arms up to her, and said “I am so sorry I just got so mad at you. I was so happy doing that job, and I love the way it looks now, and I thought you would like it too instead of getting upset you can’t find something.”
Now a key underlying belief in this kind of exchange, once you do The Work on “she should appreciate what I’ve done for her” (not) is to look at this one, which can be very insidious and very painful:
I shouldn’t get angry.
Seems true, right?
I should be tolerant, patient, confident, loving, kind, powerful, clear and direct at all times with my kids. I should never be triggered and turn into a brat myself. I should be mature.
Is that true?
Well, yeah. Duh!
Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
No. There are, apparently, thousands and millions of parents who are not tolerant, patient, confident or grown up with their kids. Apparently on planet earth, mothers, including me, get angry and fed up sometimes.
How do you react when you believe you shouldn’t snap, throw your hands in the air, feel pushed to the limit, or get angry?
I feel very bad. Depressed. Quiet.
I see images of how my dad used to feel so upset with himself when he got angry and raised his voice, which was only about once a year, maybe. He would leave the house for hours. It was like he committed a major crime.
I feel frightened of how my kid sees me, how others might see me, I feel ashamed.
But who would you be without the belief that you shouldn’t get angry, and you feel bloody angry?!
Now that’s different. Without shame about actually feeling anger, or rage, I allow it to run through my body. I notice how much I care about this situation, about myself, about my daughter.
I actually feel excited.
This anger is alive, powerful, like a burning flame. It crashes through me and I notice how I’m absolutely madly in love with my daughter even when angry with her. I see how I don’t want to hurt her at all, and she doesn’t want to hurt me either.
I relax completely around her needing to like a clean room. I notice that I love clean rooms, but its not a requirement that anyone else, or that she, loves them.
I should get angry.
There’s a message in this passionate surge of feeling. It’s beautiful, striking, wild, big. I seem to care about this. A lot.
I should notice how much I love clean rooms, I can respect myself in this conversation, I can have great compassion for a moment when a wallet seems lost, I can ask what it’s like for her, we can brainstorm from here where the wallet might be, I do not need her appreciation, I need to appreciate myself, and appreciate her.
All in a burst it’s over. She suddenly remembers where her wallet is (not in her room) and goes to find it.
Even if I don’t like that I felt so at war, hostile, defensive or upset in that flash of a moment…I appreciate the presence of the swift, powerful energy of anger.
I’m still learning today, because it was present.
I notice I love the story of passion, energy, change, revolution.
“What is this inner revolution? To begin with, revolution is not static; it is alive, ongoing, and continuous. It cannot be grasped or made to fit into any conceptual model. Nor is there any path to this inner revolution, for it is neither predictable nor controllable and has a life all its own.” ~ Adyashanti
Feeling angry doesn’t mean you have to hurt, break, punch or harm anyone. It’s just a feeling.
You’re not wrong to have it.
And then from this point, you can see what else is true, and take the most balanced, jedi, powerful path with your passion. Maybe anger is love in disguise.
And we’re taking off the costume here, and seeing what’s real and what’s left.
A mom in Summer Camp Telecalls recently reminded me of my own early mom days. She wanted them to quiet down, so she could do The Work.
Kind of hilarious, the energy that wells up….“Be Quiet! I’m trying to question my thinking over here! JEEZ!”
When I had two very young ones, I was beyond thrilled to have these two amazing kids in my life. In fact, I was pretty blown away by the miraculous and bizarre way we all arrive here on planet earth.
But their presence in my world was also like a match that lit up whole entire inner buildings full of belief-systems about parenting, what “good” moms do, what “good” kids do, what “good” dads do, how kids should turn out.
I need to make sure these two kids feel safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.
Right?
That means I should never be driven bonkers by them. I should be patient, kind, gentle and wise at all times.
24/7
In case you haven’t noticed…..it’s impossible.
But if you do The Work and question your thinking, you may be way more “sane” than you could ever dream of when it comes to your kids.
So let’s go.
Is it true that you should be a perfect mom, that it’s your job to support their confidence, success, and happiness in life?
If they aren’t happy….or if they bug you….do you really think it means that there’s something wrong with your parenting?
Well, no. I know there aren’t any perfect moms.
How do you react when you think you need to be the one who inspires and creates success and happiness in your kids’ lives….and they sometimes look pretty upset?
I feel anxious, sad, worried. Wondering how their future will turn out. Playing out future possibilities.
Not staying right here in the present.
But who would you be without the thought? Without the belief that you need to help them, support them, make sure they know they are valuable, happy, safe, comfortable?
Whew. Now that is a relief.
Lots of moms and dads will think that if they let go of the belief that they are responsible for their kids, they won’t even care.
They’ll be neglectful, and wrong.
But can you know that this is even true?
“How do you react when you believe the thought that you need to protect your children, and in reality they’re perfectly fine without your protection?….You got through your difficulties, so what leads you to believe that they aren’t at least as capable and courageous as you are? What leads you to believe that they have fewer survival skills than you do?” ~ Byron Katie
Turning the thoughts around: I’m driving myself bonkers! I need to make sure I myself feel safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.
Because I am, and so are you.
Every human is worthy, safe, secure, happy, heard, important and valuable.
We can feel this for ourselves. We don’t need a mother or father to tell us…..not really.
“A mother’s grip on reality is a wonderful thing.” ~ Byron Katie
Wednesday we’ll begin the treat of working together for 3 weekly sessions on parenting for any of you wanting to look directly at our worst moments with our kids. We meet 10:00 am-11:30 am Pacific Time. Sign up at the link at the end of this Grace Note.
