Not all of us have children….but if you do, no matter what age they are….
….you may notice you’ve thought some stressful thoughts about them and their welfare, their lives, their personalities, their successes or failures, their safety, their feelings, their attitudes.
And even worse, you’ve probably had some stressful thoughts about YOU being a less-than-perfect mom or dad.
Or maybe a horrible one.
Ouch.
Deciding to have kids felt like one of the biggest, most profound decisions of my life. (We could question if it was a “decision” that “I” made).
Little did I know, I’d have so much agony and ecstasy in my relationship with them.
The first time I ever put my first born into his car seat and drove somewhere, I was stunned with the awareness that this little tiny human being was totally dependent.
On me. And my safe driving. YIKES!!
I actually thought “what have I done?” even though I was overjoyed at his birth.
My heart was so full, and I wanted also to protect him with a fierceness I had never experienced about anyone.
What I see now, that I didn’t quite see back then even after I had my second baby, was how having kids made me aware of my beliefs about the world, about reality, about life.
And they weren’t exactly peaceful.
The world could hurt them! The world could betray them! They could die (oh, right–they actually WOULD die one day)! They could feel heartbreak, abandonment, fear!
How could I have forgotten all the difficult and terrible possibilities that can happen in life?!
And then there’s ME! I’m so unskilled, I’ve made mistakes, I don’t know what I’m doing.
Jeez. So much could go wrong!!
Oh sure, I know the world could also support them, excite them, be thrilling and gorgeous and beautiful. The world could love them, bring out their genius, creativity, ideas.
But.
Ugh.
(Worry, worry, worry).
The best thing that ever happened for me, when it came to being a parent and relating to my children as they grew up?
Finding The Work of Byron Katie.
Because then, I could question my frantic believing, my irritation, my complaints, find my turnarounds, and notice new ways to be with these humans (and most importantly, with myself).
I sat in meditation with stressful thoughts like: he got hurt, she’s suffering in school, he needs his coat, she’ll fail if she doesn’t learn to read, he lost a friend, she’s not safe, he’s too shy, she won’t listen to me, he shouldn’t smoke, she shouldn’t yell, they don’t understand me, I need them to stay alive….and be totally happy and successful while doing it.
Who would we be, without the beliefs our kids should never, ever suffer, fail, be heart-broken, feel sad, get hurt, feel scared, or even die?
This doesn’t mean we don’t care.
It’s not about being passive or detached or weird. I notice I adore my children and care about everything they’re doing.
Without these kinds of beliefs, though, about the worrisome things that could happen, I find a deep and profound freedom present about life, and the world, and how we’re all here temporarily….including our kids.
Without my stressful beliefs, I’m so much more relaxed and available instead of freaking out if they’re “late” or unhappy, or “failing”.
Without the old beliefs, there’s an out-breath.
What a relief.
Turning the thought around: So much could go right!!
How could this be just as true, or truer?
Do you notice how sweet it is to find the examples of everything that’s going “right”? This includes YOU, your own learning, the gifts you bring uniquely to the dance of parenting.
Turning the thought around again: my thinking could go wrong (not the world).
So true! My awful-izing was always worse than what actually happened.
At least five years ago, I received a wonderful invitation by a woman by the name of Jacqueline Green. She had a radio program called the Great Parenting Show. She was curious about The Work. She wanted me to come on her show. It was one of my first radio interviews.
A few years passed, and she came to one of my retreats in Seattle. Then she took the parenting teleclass I offer every year or two. Then she had her clients, who were all moms focusing on becoming awesome parents, participate in an introductory class I offered on parenting and The Work.
She says she feels transformed by learning to question her thoughts. (She speaks of herself as going from parenting disaster to master).
This past year, Jacqueline and two of her staff have been enrolled in Year of Inquiry (YOI)! I don’t know how many people she’s sent to my retreats, or for solo sessions in parenting issues.
Jacqueline and her staff members are such wonderful YOI participants, amazing moms, dedicated to reflecting on the way they are with their children and all the people in their lives….and questioning the thoughts that scare, hurt, sadden, or anger them.
Super inspiring.
And now, Jacqueline’s invited me to join her for a special Complimentary Parenting Show where many experts will be interviewed and offering their sharing to the world for free.
1. Dr. Ned Hallowell, psychiatrist and author of books that include Superparenting for ADD, Driven to Distraction, and The Childhood Roots of Adult Happiness
2. Dr. Laura Markham, best-selling author of books that include the recently released Peaceful Parenting, Happy Kids Workbook, and Peaceful Parents, Happy Siblings
3. Dr. Daniel Siegel, psychiatrist and best-selling author of books including the The Whole-Brain Child, No-Drama Discipline, and Yes Brain
4. Patty Wipfler, founder of the HandinHandParenting organization and author of Listen,
5. Alison Armstrong, relationship expert, author of books including The Keys to the Kingdom,
6. Dr. Bruce Lipton, acclaimed biologist and author of books including The Biology of Belief
Much love,
Grace