Tag: mindfulness

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Breitenbush Retreat and Mini Retreat Deadlines Soon

Two deadlines looming.

That sounds like the beginning of a poem.

The poetry of living with a dramatic, expressive mind using dramatic, expressive language. And noticing time limits approaching.

Deadline #1: Next week, Wednesday April 30th is the last day to register for Breitenbush Hotsprings Retreat and get the Early Bird super low fee for a four-day retreat ($395). June 25-29th.

To register for this luscious time for body, mind, spirit….you must call Breitenbush. You have to actually phone them, the old fashioned way 503-854-3320. 

Deadline #2: May 3rd the last mini retreat for several months. We meet in Seattle at Goldilocks Cottage, limited to ten participants.

Here’s the wonderful thing about both of these retreats:

Contact live and in-person with your inner world, through showing up, making connection, being there, putting your stake in the ground.

One is four hours.

One is four days.

Which one would you like to attend?

And really, have you noticed how dramatic and expressive the voices inside tend to be? Because the word DEADLINE is kind of intense.

I love learning about the origin of words and phrases. “Deadline” was first coined during the Civil War in the US, inside prisons. If a prisoner crossed a certain boundary line past the stockade, the guards were instructed to shoot.

Cross the line (probably headed in the direction of the prison wall) and you were going to be…..well, dead.

Back to earth….and present reality….I have questioned this “deadline” when it comes to retreats, and even the description of it as “looming” and found neither one to be true.

But I have found that making friends with my own thoughts, patterns, conditioning, and all that I have absorbed and assumed to be true…..

…..a matter of life or death of happiness.

Navigating life while also believing in terrible danger, loss, chaos, horror, fear, devastation, and tragedy is very hard.

It feels like death warmed over, as my grandma used to say.

If your own mind aims at you like a guard, every time you approach an invisible line, telling you to step back or you’ll be dead, you might feel very much like you’re trapped in hell.

The way to begin, if you really feel depressed, concerned, anxious, fearful and lost….is to write down everything that you feel upset about.

What’s dangerous? What’s horrifying?

You may have a long list. That’s OK. You may have a short one. That’s OK too.

I hate that we have to die, I hate that my marriage ended, I hate that this world is confusing, I hate that my child suffered, I hate that I lost my previous better life, I hate the absence of money, I hate my own mind, I hate that there are starving banished people, I hate how some people treat others. 

The world is a confusing (or terrible) place.

Now pick just one concept, to begin the process.

It’s hard for the mind to stop and pick just ONE objection.

But that’s where The Work of Byron Katie begins. Self-inquiry has started here in many other forms of inquiry as well, for centuries of human spiritual and existential investigation. Looking at ONE concept or principle at a time.

When I gather together with others, we have a landing place. The runway. We all get on the airplane together. The group energy and intent sets a tone to stay, look together, not to go off on tangents or avoid difficult feelings.

During your inquiry, or afterwards, you may take off.

“The most fundamental aggression to ourselves, the most fundamental harm we can do to ourselves, is to remain ignorant by not having the courage and the respect to look at ourselves honestly and gently.” ~ Pema Chodron

Gathering with others, we build together, even if we don’t know the outcome. We’re on retreat for the purpose of looking at our thoughts, our beliefs, our perceptions of the world.

Nothing has been more life-changing for me that asking if it is true when I believe something troubling.

I might have done this all by myself on a desert island, but despite my occasional plans to go live in a monastery, my life has turned out to be active and of this world.

Retreats happen in the middle of it all. My best investigation has been done in the presence of other investigators.

“Let’s remember why we’re here at retreat: for this amazing opportunity to really look into the core of our own existence, the core of life itself that is so easy to overlook. It’s so easy not to pay attention to it, because it’s not noisy and it’s not clamoring for attention like all the other aspects of the human mind……So we come here to give our attention, our affection, our time. Our most highly prized commodity is our time. Anything or anyone you give your time to shows immediately what is most important.” Adyashanti 

Is it time to join with others for four hours, or four days, to really look into the core of your existence? To break through all the chatter, anger, war, discord and angst keeping you feeling trapped?

If YES, then come, come, wherever you are.

Much love, Grace

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Psycho Prison of Believing What You Think

Reminder to all Breitenbush participants from the past: if you register before May 1st, your fee is only $295 (you save $100). Important to write to me grace@workwithgrace.com if you are coming back so we can alert the offices at Breitenbush of your special repeater fee.

And setting up time to sit and do The Work in the power of a group….what a wise and wonderful thing to do.

Well, it sure has been for me. The difference between me BEFORE spending time questioning my thinking….and me AFTER questioning my thinking….

….is almost unrecognizable for me inside myself. 

This could only happen when I set aside the time, as a priority, for self-inquiry. And in different phases of my life, this hasn’t been easy.

Recently, a YOI (Year of Inquiry) participant who just attended the School for The Work for the first time called me and said “Wow. After doing The School, I realize I want to do The Work all the time. I need to be in this Year of Inquiry group more than ever.”

Maybe some of us are such good “do-ers” in this world, that sitting quietly and examining our beliefs just doesn’t appear to be that productive.

Believe me, when I have typically “set aside time” on my own calendar without an official retreat, guidance, facilitation, teacher, a group, or a one-on-one session with another inquiring friend……

…..guess what that blocked out time looked like in real life?

Errands, going to the gym, reading, answering emails, laundry, updating curriculum, tweaking my website, dishes, talking with my husband and kids, checking my texts, looking at the internet, adding on a last-minute client right into that exact blocked out slot.

All the productivity teachers talk about the same kind of thing. 

They suggest doing the thing first that has the greatest, most meaningful value for you, every day.

It’s weird that we’re set up this way…to sort of skip over this quieter song within, and “get” everything else “done”.

There is something of great draw for you in your heart, something has stirred inside you with desire for personal understanding, but you dismiss it and set it over in the corner to come back to, later. 

Even something as common as exercising, taking a new class, meeting a good friend for tea, creating something new, taking your car to the shop, making a doctor’s appointment, finishing your book.

You don’t do it now. You wait. 

Not that there’s anything wrong with that. 

But once you see the pleasure, the change, the movement of energy and a shift in your feelings, the dissolving of stress, unhappiness leaving, or confusion becoming clear….

….then whatever assisted in that change, whether slight or magnificent, becomes very, very interesting.

To put it mildly.

Then, you hardly need to set aside time for retreat and personal inquiry and meditation. Because your life becomes full of it every day, all the time. No need to go anywhere or do anything. Your mind *thinks* and you wonder if it’s true, and you might start laughing. 

Awareness of who you truly are stays centered, clear, present in every tiny moment.

But what if your mind is so speedy that you aren’t sure what you’re even thinking in the first place that leads to stress? What if you feel hurt by someone? What if you feel fearful about having cancer, upset about losing your job, self-critical about hating your boss, sad because of the lack of fun or sexuality in your primary relationship, or disturbed with the way you drink or eat?

What if there is something that keeps pestering you for awareness, understanding, clarity or resolve? What if something BIG went down between you and someone, and you can’t stop thinking about it some nights?

Maybe that commenting thinking voice is there for a reason! 

It’s a strange thing to compare the investigation of the mind with athletic training. But as an athletic person myself, I find it wonderfully similar in many ways.

Here is this body that is a moving machine. Here is this thinking machine. Being “me”. Resisting, planning, formulating conclusions, getting conditioned, believing, hoping, imagining, seeing, knowing, learning, adding, subtracting. 

There appears to be an identity here that is unique, thinking, perceiving from this special vantage point. There appears to be a body here that might “win” if competing with the best in the world. 

All very well….until a fly gets in the ointment. You’re training for the Olympics, and you twist your knee. 

A powerful athlete does everything to take care of that knee. She moves over to healing the knee, so she can carry on with the bigger picture, the greater goal. 

This is how I see every session, every group, every telecall, every retreat, every gathering of souls doing The Work together. We’re on a journey, and we’ve noticed we have a common “situation”. 

The mind got twisted. So instead of continuing to ignore it, we’re turning our attention to it entirely. 

Because without healing that injury, there will be no chance for anything more. No Olympics. No peace.

“We must free our mind from all that it has collected, all that it clings to, all that it depends on. This begins by realizing that we are in a psychological prison created by our minds. Until we begin to realize how confined we are, we will not be able to find our way out. Neither will we find our way out by struggling against the confines we have inherited from our parents, society, and culture. It is only by beginning to examine and realize the falseness within our minds that we begin to awaken an intelligence that originates from beyond the realm of thinking.” ~ Adyashanti

The Work….which is four questions and then finding the turnarounds….is a simple structure for this inquiry. Simple, yet complex. 

The questions are big ones, the answers are your own. 

But oh how incredible to examine the thoughts that create stress in your life, the ones that bring on sadness, terror, anxiety, anger, and emotional pain. These kinds of thoughts and memories that produce something that feels like falseness.

The falseness of forever being a “do-er” without stopping to slow down, take a look, and enter something deeper in yourself.

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.” ~ Byron Katie

Before self-inquiry, I had to look to a ton of different solutions in order to find relief. 

After self-inquiry? All I needed was a pen a paper, time to investigate, and then…the joy of not believing everything I think.

If you want to give your mind the attention it seeks on that issue (or issues) that keep pestering you for resolution….

….then come immerse yourself in the beauty of knowing you, investigating your mind, and getting a glimpse of who you really are. 

Because no one wants to stay in a psychological prison. And it’s hard to stay in there all by yourself. 

Find a partner, get someone you know to facilitate you, start writing out your answers to the four questions, take a class, sign up for Breitenbush. 

You’ll be sooooo glad you did. You could change your life, your world, your past, your future. Really. 

Because that’s what has happened for me.

Love, Grace

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Joining YOI Helps YOU Do The Work

Many people have written with questions about the upcoming Year of Inquiry group that starts this coming Friday.

Here’s a summary:

  • We all meet via phone or skype three times a month for 90 minutes, Fridays 9 am Pacific Time
  • We have a private, closed email forum for sharing, questions, breakthroughs and inquiry in writing
  • Everyone in YOI gets to know one another extremely well in a very unique way—not by the usual life details, but through questioning shared stressful beliefs
  • Each month there is a different unique topic for inquiry. We watch a video at the beginning of the month (Byron Katie) and fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on a situation in our own life relating to that topic.
  • I partner everyone in YOI with someone else in the group for the month, to trade facilitations. Through this partnering, you learn how to facilitate and be facilitated, and get to know your brethren in inquiry.
  • You can pay monthly, or all at once, or in 3 payments, it’s up to you.
  • There is no written contract for participating, but it’s best if your intention is to stay engaged for a year…and, this is the last YOI that will be in this particular format and this low fee

I created this format because for me, personally, I simply didn’t seem to sit down, write out my thoughts, or slow down long enough….even when I was in pain….to make doing The Work a regular practice.

And I didn’t want to feel desperate for mind-change anymore. I wanted to work with what This is, the life I was apparently living, with a sense of relaxation.

Careful, gentle self-reflection comes easy and quickly to some people.

And then there are the rest of us.

I knew when I listened to Byron Katie on recording, and when I read her book Loving What Is that there was a powerful message.

But I always thought that message was somewhere other than me, like inside Katie herself, or in some other place of wisdom. I thought that doing this work wouldn’t really result in peace unless I got some special insight.

Answer four questions? Then turn what I’m thinking around?

What good is that going to do?! I need bigger guns! I need an inpatient program! I need a fairy godmother! A change of consciousness! Enlightenment!

Are you sure that’s what you need?

What if it really is true that all you actually need, is what all the great teachers have said, including Byron Katie, for all the ages….

…..your own honest answers. Trusting yourself. Being your own best friend.

What if all you need is to honestly clearly identify what it is you are believing and question this, and use YOUR imagination to see another way?

“Self-realization is the sweetest thing. It shows us how we are fully responsible for ourselves, and that is where we find our freedom. Rather than being other-realized, you can be self-realized. Instead of looking to us for your fulfillment, you can find it in yourself……to put The Work into action, begin with the voice inside you that’s telling you what we should do. Realize that it’s actually telling YOU what to do…..There is no peace in the world until you find peace within yourself in this moment.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve noticed that you like the idea of doing The Work, but you don’t actually do it (I don’t have time, it doesn’t really work, I get bored, I can’t stay with my answers, so what) then consider joining us.

Year Of Inquiry is here!

Write me at grace@workwithgrace.com to talk about it.

Much love,

Grace

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Cell Phone Sets Mind Off

It’s funny how the tiniest thought can produce just a wee bit ‘o stress“my cell phone should not have run out of battery power”.  

I knew it wasn’t a matter of life or death…CLEARLY.

But still.

I told someone I would call them back 5 minutes ago. I will now be quite late. They will be waiting for me.

And what if my children are trying to text me RIGHT NOW?

Yeah, now that I think about it…I want to text my husband, and my good friend who texted me earlier. But I can’t! This is annoying!

And that person is waiting….they might even be getting upset. Dang! I hate my new phone! My old phone had a better battery!

Jeez, what kind of company would make a phone that drains out of battery power so quickly?

How did I overlook the battery level being so low? I don’t remember using the phone that much…did I do something?

Is there something else I haven’t learned yet about this phone, something that inadvertently uses up all the battery power?

Probably, it’s so complicated! I don’t even understand all the features. There are too many of them! I just want a simple phone!

Getting this phone was a big mistake!!!!

That’s how the mind runs sometimes. It’s like it’s flitting from idea to idea, figuring out the source of the problem.

Digging down into a deeper, more intense, more theatrical belief.

Have you ever looked at your beloved partner and through the same process of disgruntled stressful thinking…..gone from being upset that he doesn’t wipe the mud off his shoes, to concluding that this relationship is doomed?

Or maybe you had a flat tire, or took longer than expected in the store, or you got stuck in heavy traffic, or you cut your finger, or you couldn’t sleep, or you received some news in the mail….and your heart jumps, you experience a little worrisome image, your mind thinks this could be serious.

Not just serious….dire. Dreadful. Tragic. 

For a long time, I carried in my wallet a cartoon drawing that reminded me of the Drama Queen Mind.

It was a one-frame square cartoon image. A man was standing, opening his mail. The only written word in the drawing was a bubble coming out of an envelope he was holding as he ripped one end of the envelope open….“tear”.

In the background, his dog was going berserk. The drawing captured this dog going completely ballistic, and the man turning quizically towards the dog, as if wondering what the heck was the problem?

Beneath the frame was the caption “As usual, violent behavior sets the dog off.”

As usual, a major freakin’ emergency sets the mind off (cell phone ran out of battery, what else).

Fortunately, that all happens so fast, that with inquiry….without taking it seriously….a few more minutes go by and I am chuckling about the phone, and I notice all is incredibly well. Later the person I was calling back didn’t seem to notice how late I was.

But don’t berate or be upset with yourself if you react more drastically. It sometimes is the way of it.

Then you’ll know to question whether what you’re thinking is an emergency is actually true? And you may discover quite quickly that it’s not.

And then maybe when a true actual emergency comes along…that won’t feel so much like one, either.

“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Much Love, Grace

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Thursdays, July 11 – August 29, 2013, 5:15 – 6:45 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: A Safe Place For Inquiry on Painful Thoughts About Sexuality. Fridays, July 12 – August 30, 2013 Noon – 1:30 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. Register Here. 
  • Mini Retreats Seattle. Saturdays, 8/10, 10/12, 11/30, 2013, 1:30-5:30 pm. Goldilocks Cottage. $70 includes intensive, handouts, tea and snacks, $55 repeater rate.  Click here to register for mini-retreats:
  • Loving Your Body Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat. June 26-30, 2013. For all the information please click HERE.

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Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach 

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Resenting What Is

Welcome to all the new subscribers. Really…so very humbled that you come along on this journey and I am so touched and happy that you are HERE. I love company.

This wasn’t always the case. I was always trying to get away from people.

And then when I was alone, I was trying to get away from my own mind.

What a dilemma! You were irritating and so was I. Kind of a bummer, right?

No situation is good, in this scenario. Every situation could be improved. No satisfaction, no true comfort, no peace.

Eckhart Tolle says the ego LOVES its resentment of reality. Isn’t that amazing?

I ask myself….why? Why would I get off on this resentment of what is? This is not a trick question. It is an actual question. Like, pretend you came from another planet and you find out this is what people do here….they resent what is. Now, see if as an observer you can discover why they would do that.

  • I am RIGHT, not wrong. I am brilliant, the One-Who-Knows-All.
  • I am more brilliant than God/Source/Whomever Set This Up/Reality.
  • If people are suffering here…well, that wasn’t MY idea.
  • I am so powerful, with all this brilliance, to see what is WRONG.
  • It is not my fault…I am innocent. I am not to blame for this mess.
  • It’s their fault. Those people are schmucks. Not me.
  • I can’t help being here. This was an accident. I didn’t ask to be born.
  • I can remember, daily, what is wrong with this planet and through that, be reminded of what an innocent victim I am.
  • I’m off the hook. Not Guilty!

So much fear!

OMG what if I don’t resent what is? Could it then be all up to me? My fault, my problem? But, but, but….I don’t know what to do! I am actually nothing! I’m powerless! A tiny speck in the middle of a gigantic universe!

Exactly.

It’s like if I stop resenting what is, then I’ll have to be faced with the Unknown. I’ll have to admit that I don’t get all THIS. That the little details and resistances of this tiny life are not important. At all.

It will be revealed that I have no idea what’s going on. Which I don’t.

Good News.

“The moment you become aware of a negative state within yourself, it does not mean you have failed. It means that you have succeeded.”~ Eckhart Tolle

I used to think that if I gave up resenting things, people, places, events, weather, life, death, and being “stuck” here….that I would see how meaningless it all is, that it would be even worse, that I would see how pointless, that I would feel absolute despair.

Despair is just another form of resentment, of doubting that THIS is OK.

What if this world is wonderful, friendly, beautiful? What if it is all a big misunderstanding? What if what you are most afraid of is not actually true? What if death, losing an arm, someone getting killed, scary people, or being alone are actually not a problem?

But I will be a traitor if I give up my resentment of reality! Everyone will think I’m crazy!

Aren’t you crazy already? As Byron Katie says, you do what you’re doing, and you either love it or hate it, but you’re still doing “it”. Living.

What if Reality is doing its thing and you’re in this soup and there’s nothing you can do about it, and that is actually NOT A PROBLEM?

“You are the light of Presence, the awareness that is prior to and deeper than any thoughts and emotions.”~Eckhart Tolle

Much love, Grace

NEW! 2013 January Teleclasses! As always, please write if you need financial assistance. Click here to register for any of these classes online. You can also send an email to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’d prefer to mail a check or want to ask questions.

  • Earning Money: What’s Your Problem? Questioning Your Beliefs About Money, Work and Business. Mondays, January 14-March 11, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395. No class February 25th.
  • Our Wonderful Sexuality: Untangling the Passion, Attraction, Love, Past Terrors, Future Worries, Fear, Confusion, Tenderness, and Joyful Intimacy.Tuesdays, January 8 – February 26, 2013, 6:30 – 8:00 pm Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Horrible Food Wonderful Food: Healing the Love/Hate Relationship with Eating, Food, and Our Bodies. Thursdays, January 10 – February 28, 2013. 10:00 am – 11:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.
  • Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven: Working With Painful Hate, Anger, Fury, Despair, Grief, or Disappointment With Someone You Know; Spouse, Mother, Sibling, Father, Daughter, Son, Boss, Neighbor, Friend. Fridays, January 11 – March 1, 2013 8:00 am – 9:30 am Pacific time. 8 weeks $395.

In Person workshops:
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.  

Work With Grace - Byron Katie Coach 

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No Vacation For The Mind

What on earth is a vacation? I love that word “vacate”.

I am exiting the scene, leaving the premises, departing, disconnecting, vanishing, sayonara, bye-bye!

A very common human strategy is to STOP, DROP and ROLL! (You may recognize this from fire-first-aid. It’s what you’re supposed to do when your clothes catch on fire). Ha!

When things get hot, people often believe whole-heartedly that they need to stop, drop and roll and then go on vacation from whatever was making them upset. Forever.

By getting hot I mean dicey conversations with other humans, relationships going sour, anger getting ignited, bad business deals going down, frustrated scenes with employees or co-workers, disgruntled customers, worry about Life in general.

Someone can make a statement, someone who you really care about, that sounds like they are upset. It’s scary, or feels hurtful. You are disappointed, anxious, or you feel defensive, or guilty.

Some people get angry and lash out at the source of the discomfort. They believe they will feel better when the other person is sorry, or stops, or regrets what they have said, or feels remorse, or apologizes.

Others have the VACATE reaction. Rrrrruuuunnnnn!!

I am just now returning from being on an actual Vacation, a holiday. I left my home and my daily routine and many of the people I know closely…and went to a different location in the world with different weather and trees and food, and people I love dearly who I hadn’t seen for years.

But my mind was right there the whole time. No vacation for the mind!

This used to seem like a BAD thing, I wanted to get away from the incessant thinking, or uncomfortable relationships, or boring situations like the jobs I used to have.

I wanted to get away from my own MIND. Short distractions would work, but they were never satisfying (they never are).

So of course…the easiest thing to do (even if it doesn’t seem easy) is to accept that parts of you can never go on vacation. Vacating won’t work.

In fact, it may make things harder.

For me, getting away from it all usually led to binge-eating, heavy drinking, over-exercising, smoking. AWOL.

I would leave people scratching their heads in confusion, wondering if I was ever going to make contact, finish a conversation, face my fear and talk with them directly, answer their calls, respond to their concerns.

I didn’t do this for myself…I ditched myself constantly. I didn’t respect my own painful thinking and feelings. I wasn’t kind to me.

NOW my favorite thing in the world is staying still, standing here in the midst of activity, noticing that the mind never takes a vacation, allowing it to be itself as it is…full of evaluations and comments.

What I find here is that when I stay still in the middle of someone saying something I find uncomfortable, or a situation that brings up fear, is to stay and see what happens without me either Vacating OR Defending.

This means, as my mind suggests things to do or say, as it suggests ways to handle the situation, I don’t DO them instantly. I don’t try to fix anything.

“She who is centered in the Tao can go where she wishes, without danger. She perceives the universal harmony, even amid great pain, because she has found peace in her heart. Music or the smell of good cooking may make people stop and enjoy. But words that point to the Tao seem monotonous and without flavor. When you look for it, there is nothing to see. When you listen for it, there is nothing to hear. When you use it, it is inexhaustible.” ~Tao Te Ching #35

I noticed sometimes during the “vacation” I was on, I would have thoughts about people back in my daily regular life at home, or business or work.  Instead of leaving those thoughts, I could clearly find them, even writing them down.

Moving into them and finding out what was most uncomfortable about my thoughts about other people was incredible.

Stay tuned for the next post…I’ll tell you what it was like to do the Work on one repetitive thought I had during “vacation”.  I may have gotten to stop and enjoy music, laughter, and good cooking….but returning to the center by investigating my internal world brought such peace.

My mind? Actually, it’s a blast to take it everywhere. Might as well enjoy the ride.

Inquiry returns us to the Tao. Emptiness, mystery, even joy. And inquiry can be done anywhere!

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All You Have To Do Is Sit There And Watch

Last Friday the very first class of Our Wonderful Sexuality. A fantastic group, and one more person could come on board before the second class (and listen to the recording of our first one, to catch up). After that, it’s closed.

Sexuality is a very big, intense and emotional topic for many. It sure used to be for me.

I have written down my thoughts on every kind of repulsive person or experience I’ve ever learned about, heard of, or been involved in myself that related in any way to sexual expression.

It’s amazing the way the mind will dictate what it thinks is True when it comes to romantic love:

  • I need her love
  • I want his love
  • They are so happy together, they must have a wonderful sexual relationship
  • That couple is unhappy, non-sexual….it’s sad
  • She hasn’t had a good sexual relationship with anyone in “x” years, how horrible!
  • He is sexual with a new person every week, how disgusting!
  • People who are in committed relationships should never flirt with or be attracted to anyone else
  • Feeling sexual feelings is dangerous unless both people are available for a relationship

Epic stories, novels, movies, the great myths of human history often include one person’s passion for another….and the consequences of having that passion.

Destruction! Intrigue! Pain! Agony! Betrayal! Jealousy! Abandonment!

In the name of love and romance, people have murdered, gone crazy, killed themselves, have unplanned children, vanished without a trace, become depressed for years.

Shakespeare is one of the great writers of such human stories, and the Greeks. Gods, goddesses, humans, royalty….the greatest leaders changing the course of history because of lust, passion, envy.

No wonder, with such evidence of pain resulting from this feeling of sexuality inside us, we’re suspicious of the very feelings of being attracted to anyone or anything.

But as Katie once said to me directly “How do you know you’re supposed to be feeling what you’re feeling? You are!” Well, she was actually referring to my anger. Which I was judging as HORRIBLE and like I needed to get rid of it ASAP.

But we feel the same about our sexual feelings: I must get rid of this. In fact, for many humans, BIG FEELINGS OF ANY KIND are suspect. Great grief, great rage, great terror often have the accompanying thought “this feeling must stop”.

The mind begins to analyze it and problem solve. HOW do I get rid of this? I can distract myself, I can fix myself, I can suppress this. And of course, one way we imagine getting rid of a big powerful feeling is to actually satisfy it…express it.

Break something if you’re mad, hit something, jump up an down! Shriek and cry, wail, scream if you’re full of grief. Run for your life, hide, get away from the source of fear if you’re terrified. And if you really WANT something, then get it, ingest it, consume it, smoke it, drink it, or engage in sexual contact…like if you’re hungry, you then look for food to eat.

If any feeling is acceptable to feel without DOING something, however, then a different route can be taken. I can be curious, open, and allow it to be here.

There is nothing so amazing to me as when I learned that as I quit smoking….the desire to smoke actually dissolved. The craving would come, but not following it or taking it seriously (and yet also not crushing it down) I could ask myself what else was going on?

And what about the unbelievably strong desire to binge-eat, that would feel like it was taking over my whole psyche and personality like being possessed or something? Could I drop the thought that I would not be satisfied until I ate something?

What was going on in those moments of big gigantic feelings, if I didn’t judge them so harshly? What was I REALLY worried about, afraid of, sad about, longing for?

Could I be sure that food or tobacco or being sexual would satisfy me….and resolve the Big Feeling?

No. In fact….based on experience it appeared that the things I obsessed over most and thought I wanted were VERY temporary. Moving towards them worked for just a short while. Then I was back at the big feeling again, and the cycle would start over.

This morning I worked with a client who was so sad because her primary love relationship was over, broken up, ended. Her partner had wanted to date other women, and she didn’t want him to.  Not a match, and yet she had very painful feelings about it being OVER.

As she did The Work she began to find examples of how what was happening right now, in the present (without a partner) was a wonderful, advantageous thing.

This is a most simple but profound discovery, to discover the connection, love, aliveness, passion, joy, peace, ecstasy right here, right now, in this moment.

Or to even ask oneself if this could be possible….ecstasy here, now, whether someone is here or not here in our presence. Could it?

Or, OK OK Jeez…if it doesn’t feel possible that ecstasy could be present right here, now, then what about just being able to STAND this big feeling without DOING something immediately? I mean, is this an emergency? Do you really need to smoke or eat or drink or watch porn or call that person in order to be able to stand this moment and satisfy this urge?

Eckhart Tolle writes about urges and applying awareness to anything obsessive. He says to say “yes” always to what you feel. This means, I have the feeling, and I don’t chop it into bits, I don’t set fire to it, I don’t act on it instantly, I don’t criticize myself for having it. It means I genuinely am not opposed or against myself having this feeling in this moment.

“When we maintain awareness, whether we know it or not, healing is taking place…a door that has been shut begins to open…As the door opens, we see that the present is absolute and that, in a sense, the whole universe begins right now, in each second. And the healing of life is in that second of simple awareness…Healing is always just being here, with a simple mind.” ~ Charlotte Joko Beck

Truly amazing to imagine—just being here, with awareness, with a simple mind, brings healing.

Questioning all the thoughts about romantic love, desire, feelings…all feelings…I arrive at a place of mystery and wonder.

I noticed as I questioned, and questioned again, every belief I ever had that produced stress, every “rule”, that I became incredibly free to be myself.  Being myself with total freedom happens to look like being married for me. But I could only have arrived here if NOT being married was just as wonderful.

Every state worth living in, being in, every moment OK, every feeling acceptable.

With awareness and just sitting here, watching Big Feelings, I see in my life there is much less theatrical drama that could be retold and acted on stages or in the movie theaters….and yet still….truly….there has been a change in the course of history. A quieter one.

Love, Grace

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Their Talk Is Torture

Thank you all so much for forwarding this to your loved ones, friends and colleagues. Many people write me to say how much they love reading these daily posts!

This week several teleclasses begin! You only need a telephone or skype to call in to a group conference call phone number. These are all audio, not webinars, and you do not need a computer to participate in a class–but you do need to have a way to receive emails regularly. Let me know today if you are joining! All the classes are listed at the end of this email. They are all 8 sessions, for 90 mins each session.

Speaking of new classes and learnings….

I loved working with a fabulous client recently on a common moment of frustration for many of us humans: when someone we’re in the presence of should stop talking.

I have had this thought myself many times in my life, and questioned it recently.

There we are in the vicinity of another human and that person is talking, talking, talking and we are thinking, thinking, thinking “THAT PERSON SHOULD SHUT UP!”

Perhaps we are a part of the audience during a lecture, in a group discussion where one person appears to speak a great deal, in a sharing circle with many participants (or a class), in a movie or play, or in a one-on-one conversation.

What has been your most common reaction when you are with another person who you judge as talking “too much”?

I was once sitting in a movie theater FURIOUS about the conversation going on behind me. I turned around and said “could you please stop talking during the movie!” and the two women burst out laughing, and carried on. I sat through the whole movie, unhappy and enraged, I was so shocked that they didn’t stop when I asked.

Believing that someone should stop talking, and not being sure how to change the dynamic, is a strange and common human dilemma. We have OTHER beliefs that directly oppose speaking up in a really authentic, genuine way with this talkative person. Beliefs like:

  • it’s rude to interrupt someone
  • they need to speak and be heard
  • they are trying to connect with me, which I appreciate
  • if I say I disagree, I will be starting an argument, or they might hurt me
  • they wouldn’t like me if they knew what I was thinking
  • they are wasting my time
  • I am so mean to have all these judgments about them
  • I should be a kind, thoughtful, patient listener (and this means I shouldn’t tell them to be quiet, that I shouldn’t speak up)

I recently saw a filmed scene in which a man is sitting at a kitchen table and his wife is cooking for him. The man is talking non-stop, talking about people at his work. His wife picks up the frying pan she is using and whacks him on the head.

That woman believed that violence, or getting “rid” of the person, was the only way to resolve the incessant talking!

That was a little extreme! But don’t we all have the thought that if I just get away from the talker, leave, eliminate them, get rid of them, shut them down….that is the quickest and easiest way to resolve this difficult situation?

It’s like having a fly buzzing and the noise of the buzz start to drive you crazy. Or crickets and their loud chirping.

Kill the cricket! KILL THE FLY! THEN I will be comfortable and have peace.

The wonderful thing is that even in this kind of irritated moment there is so much to learn, so much amazing opportunity for understanding yourself, your mind, and other people.

Even this moment is a moment for awakening.

“What is this moment, this situation, or this person trying to teach me?”~Pema Chodron

The first thing to do is to look at what you are believing that produces the most rage, irritation, anger, sadness.

What is this person actually saying that is so bad? What does it mean about them? What does it mean for me if I am there, being the listener?

You can feel it immediately when you are at war with what is. There is a tightness and resistance…you are AGAINST what is happening.

What if you were FOR what is happening? This does not mean that you stay sitting through an entire movie and not making any changes….that was passive for me, it was not authentic and loving. It was not kind to me.

What can you do joyfully, with pleasure, kindness, love, freedom, power, and passion right in that very moment when there is a person who is talking, talking, talking…and you are entirely and totally in favor of them being themselves, doing what they’re doing, being who they are?

You may find that you reach over to them and hold their hand, look into their eyes, and say any of the following things: “I adore you and I’ve heard this before but will listen again if you think it is 100% helpful” or “what do you really want right now?” or “I am feeling like being silent” or “I will be available to listen in an hour” or “Can you answer the question and say nothing else, but only answer the question I just asked?”

With complete and total freedom and no “rules” you may find that you are very loving and kind naturally, and you don’t feel guilty or imposed on, and you take very good care of yourself as well as the talking person.

“The Master gives himself up to whatever the moment brings….”~Tao Te Ching #50 

Love, Grace

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

Click Here to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 6:00 pm – 7:30 pm Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27)

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)

Money, Work and Business – Thursdays, Sept 27- Nov 29, 2012, 8-9:30 am Pacific Time (no class 11/1 or 11/22)

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Anger–Must Get Rid Of It

Today in the Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass, someone asked me how doing The Work has really changed me. The wonderful inquirer who was asking the question also said that she felt like she had done the Work often, and she didn’t feel entirely peaceful.

We wound up doing The Work in class together on the belief “I’ll never get it right”.

I remember once raising my hand at a Byron Katie event with a lot of internal pain, feeling like I had written worksheets and gone through the process of asking the Four Questions of The Work many times on the same situation….

Before I even got to say “what am I doing wrong?” which was my basic question at the core, Katie said to me “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”

GASP! Moi? Angry?!!

It suddenly dawned on me that I was trying as hard as I could NOT to be angry. Being angry was WRONG. Unspiritual, negative, selfish, unhealthy. I had a motive with all the work I was doing “on myself” and “on others” all the time. To get Good Enough.

I had even heard that if a person was angry a lot, they could develop cancer and other diseases. Anger could bring on heart-attacks, made steam come out of your ears. It forced people to pick up arms against other people, to hit or slap.

Walking around feeling anger could create muscle tension, stress, aches, sick stomachs, poor digestion, high blood pressure.

But what if the actual ANGER itself is not terrible? It is, after all, a part of reality. It is an energy, it’s doing something….it exists. Who am I to say it shouldn’t?

Perhaps, I realized at the time, I was pushing so hard against being angry…sort of like having anger against my anger…that I wasn’t seeing its use, or benefit. It was getting STUCK.

But wait! I had a huge gigantic expectation that spiritual, good, loving, faithful people are NEVER ANGRY. I wanted to get it right.

Being a kind, gentle, loving person who is not expressing anger is an image many of us inquirers have in our minds of how we would be if we could “get there”. We would be awesome, cool, holy people. Nothing would bug us.

If you can allow yourself to write all the most vicious, nasty, hateful, mean, angry judgments down about someone who when you think about them, you feel rage…..then you have made the first step, identifying your beliefs.

Next, you can get up and do some jumping jacks and fist punches into the air and maybe yell into a pillow. It’s a lot different to feel accepting, or even grateful, for anger. If that seems like a stretch, just allowing it to be here is enough. This is deep patience.

Then you can get back to understanding what is truly going on here, right in this moment of furious emotion. No looking to replace the fury with peace with the snap of a finger…but looking with curiosity. No seeking some different state.

“To seek something, you must have at least some vague idea or image of what it is you are seeking. But ultimate truth is not an idea or an image or something attained anew. So, to seek truth as something objective is a waste of time and energy. Truth can’t be found by seeking it, simply because truth is what you are.”~Adyashanti

So when you are angry, feel it and appreciate it. What is it saying? What does it mean? What are you afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen? If that awful person keeps on doing what they’re doing or saying what they’re saying, what is terrible about it, really?

“The path of developing loving-kindness and compassion is to be patient with the fact that you’re human and that you make these mistakes. That’s more important than getting it right…If you apply patience to the fact that you can’t let go, somehow that helps you to do it. Patience with the fact that you can’t let go helps you to get to the point of letting go gradually–at a very sane and loving speed, at the speed that your basic wisdom allows you to move.~Pema Chodron

Slowing down, I allow myself in any moments of irritation to look, instead of swat it away like a fly.

Welcome, anger. Welcome, fear. Good that you’re here, so you can be seen. Because once a light shines on the troubled spots, and you can wait, stop, love yourself anyway….you may find people don’t bug you as much anymore.

It could be you are getting it right. Bumbling along, twisting to and fro, being human. In fact, I’m sure of it.

Love, Grace

 

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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Her Voice Is Excruciating

Very recently I re-read the first few chapters of Loving What Is by Byron Katie for a class.

In the Introduction of the book, a woman is sitting with Katie, doing The Work on her husband.

One of the woman’s thoughts she has about her husband: I hate the way he breathes.

Hilarious! So perfectly childish, petty, and yet the kind of thought most of us have had in our lifetimes that has left us feeling annoyed, unhappy, definitely NOT peaceful.

Having a stressful thought means that I think the thought, it passes into my mind, and almost instantly I believe it’s true, then I have uncomfortable, difficult, troubling feelings or responses of any kind. Even these silly, babyish thoughts about people and their breathing.

This reminded me that I know one person whose voice is annoying….like annoying enough that I cringe at the sound sometimes.

When I ask myself what that’s about, there are many meanings I attach to that voice. It’s too nicey-nice, it’s fakey, it’s false, the person is needy, there is no range, it’s controlled, the words are too slow, patronizing. All of these beliefs come out of that voice, or vice versa.

The woman working with Katie really was upset with her husband for being needy, not being aware, not being powerful, for being dependent, out of shape. These are all the thoughts located inside this woman—they are not true for those of us listening, we don’t even know this man who is her husband. But we’ve had the same kinds of thoughts.

If that person is needy, then I’m outta here! Gross! I resist being open to them, even physically in my body I brace ever so slightly against the sound of their voice, their breathing.

We start proving all the moments are true that show how needy, powerless, and dependent those people are. Building up the story of those messed up needy people over there.

So….to turn things around and look at ourselves, this is the great self-inquiry. Can I see that right in that moment that I’m wishing that person wasn’t so needy that I am needing them to change? They need to stop acting needy, and then I won’t feel so frustrated.

I am trapped, in that moment, in waiting for that person to change so that I can be happy. Very hopeless, very impossible, random, unknown, a roll of the dice whether they can make the change or not. And I am 100% in need of that person to make the first move.

This is called being a victim. My mind is full of what THEY need to do so that I can be excited, thrilled, happy, safe, comfortable, loving, peaceful.

What if they will never, ever change and the only person who could change is you, from the inside out? There they are, doing what they do, being themselves (breathing and speaking) and now I get to work with how to be truly stress-free in their presence.

Reality is, that person presents themselves in the world in that way. I can argue with the way they are, or stop arguing and see what that would be like, for a change.

“I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality…..When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.”~ Byron Katie

Think about something very small but irritating in your world, something you see that you feel annoyed with. It doesn’t have to be a huge, major, difficult dilemma in life (although painful thinking of every kind can be taken to inquiry).

Now what if you didn’t believe it was true that it should change, so you can feel better?

“The generals have a saying: ‘Rather than make the first move it is better to wait and see. Rather than advance an inch it is better to retreat a yard.’ This is called going forward without advancing, pushing back without using weapons. There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking that he is evil. Thus you destroy your three treasures and become an enemy yourself. When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.”~ Tao te Ching #69

Do you think there will be greater change if you enter the room hating that person’s breathing and the sound of their voice, and believing they are needy?

Or, if you enter the room NOT knowing, seeing with different eyes, being open to the beauty in that human being, being open to how much you actually care about them?

If that breathing-annoying-voiced person offered you a path to peace (and they do, because they apparently show up and throw you out of peacefulness) then you would sit with their image in your mind, you would ask yourself questions about what you are really believing is dangerous about them.

Even if you felt sick to your stomach, you would not underestimate this person, thinking of them as absolutely 100% incapable of peace, evil. You would see them as worthy, and by this, you would see yourself as worthy as well.

You are worthy of yielding. You are worthy of going forward without advancing, without using weapons (including verbal attack). Worthy of questioning how, why, when you feel threatened by someone’s breathing or voice. Are you absolutely sure you can’t wait and see?

“Defense is the first act of war” ~Byron Katie

Love, Grace