Tag: loving what is

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No Need To Go Anywhere In This World

It’s amazing what having a bit of extra time, changing up your routine, altering your daily environment, or setting up vacation time can do to mix up your mental activity.

Right now I am on a vacation that is a reunion with dear friends I’ve known for 25 years. My thoughts prior to the vacation were that there would be tons of group activity and I may have to sneak away to get some of my introverted recharge time.

This is not the way it’s turned out. I’ve had free time with my own thoughts, my book, the beach, tropical weather…gathering in the evening only under a big moon with friends after slow days.

Outside the scenery is gorgeous. The movie right now, my particular movie of life, has iguanas, mangoes, waiters with trays of drinks walking by, blue tiled swimming pools, baking heat, pelicans, waves crashing.

Inside the movie is this mind, responding, having thoughts, occasionally getting snagged on some ideas or images. It is busy, running, never stopping its conversation about EVERYTHING.

The mind has new things to comment on in this new environment. And more TIME. Nothing scheduled.

For some people, empty, open time can be tricky. The mind has an opportunity to talk louder than ever, without busyness to distract it.

Funny, but the mind can get so loud for people when they are done with their jobs, for example, that they fill their evenings with watching TV or playing games, just to get away from their minds. This can happen in an even bigger way when they are on “vacation”.

I find one of the best ways to work with the mind in these kinds of chatterbox moments, when time is available for the Committee to get VERY loud, is to start writing down the most fearful, infuriating, sad or painful thoughts.

This may be writing in a journal for some, but for others the thoughts may be simple and clear. To see the stressful thoughts is very powerful, more clarifying than you may know.

Empty time. What are your thoughts? I should be exercising, I should be writing, I should be working, I need to eat something, I want activity, I wonder what “x” is doing (about 20 people may float across your consciousness), I wonder what I should do for next year’s workshop, I should work on my business today, etc, etc.  

And these are only the thoughts that are commenting on “productivity”. There may also be comments on people with whom you’ve had difficult relationships, unresolved communication, painful moments.

Back again to just watching. See if you can actually just watch, even if only for 2 minutes, without “doing” something or reacting.

In Horrible Food Wonderful Food in the past couple of weeks a wonderful participant was able to practice slowing down the way she usually experienced and ate a kind of chocolate she loves.

She opened the chocolate and then waited, watching her mind comment, but not allowing it to take over and consume her (so that she in turn would then consume). She was amazed to find that she drove home in her car without eating, as she normally would have, and then found she didn’t want it anymore.

Just a little waiting and watching can change everything. EVERYTHING. This means waiting before you act, slowing what you say down, slowing what you do down, not acting when you’re in the thick of a fearful or vengeful or aggressive or bored moment.

In the hours that pass most recently, on this thing called a vacation (stepping into a different scene than the usual life, if there is a “usual” life) my mind is still here, and so is my inner observer, enjoying and watching all of THIS.

Let your mind run, and let it show you what is real and not real! It is safe to look at your busy, busy mind, especially when your life is more empty on the outside and you have more time, in those moments later at night, when the outside of you is not so busy.

I notice as I let myself watch the ideas, the loud voices saying that I need, should, want in this place that is like paradise on the outside, it doesn’t matter what it looks like or where I am. The inner world is what matters most of all to me. I am sure to you, too.

You don’t need to go anywhere to explore it.

There is a life-force within your soul, seek that life. 

There is a gem in the mountain of your body, seek that mine.   

O traveler, if you are in search of That  

Don’t look outside, look inside yourself and seek That.

——

This aloneness is worth more than a thousand lives.  

This freedom is worth more than all the lands on earth.  

To be one with the truth for just a moment,  

Is worth more than the world and life itself.
~Rumi

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here! Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

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Crazy And You Know It

I will never forget a time when a man sat down to work with Byron Katie on stage at a public event. Here he was about to expose his innermost painful thinking, a very intimate act, in front of hundreds of people. As he settled himself into his chair he said “I am mentally ill”. Katie replied “we all are, honey.”

Have you ever had the thought that you are crazy?

When any of us say this with awareness, we are of course not generally commenting on a true mental health diagnosis out in this world. We are functional, good, kind, well-meaning people, doing our best.

When we say we are feeling crazy, we are commenting on the chattering inner mind that doesn’t seem to stop. The one that keeps us up at night!

For some people, this mind will lock in on problem-solving with a vengeance. It will list, sort, analyze and assess with a very critical, sort-of non-emotional cutthroat approach. The mind goes into “attack” mode. Take No Prisoners. Destroy! Argue!

For others this same mental activity will be more filled with nervous anxiety, scanning the world to see how to avoid conflict, hide, run and protect itself.

Other minds will focus more on how terrible it all is, how sad, lost, despairing or meaningless.

All these Voices exist inside the mind, producing emotional stress. Even when things seem to be going well, it’s talking 180 miles per hour, saying “good, finally, let’s hold on to this, it could be temporary, it might be too good to be true, must do whatever it takes to keep this good thing going!”

Even that is stressful!!

A thoughtful inquirer and seeker recently recommended Michael Singer’s book to me The Untethered Soul. I love how he describes this inner voice as a completely whacked roommate.

Singer writes: “If somehow that voice managed to manifest in a body outside of you, and you had to take it with you everywhere you went, you wouldn’t last a day. If somebody were to ask you what your new friend is like, you’d say, “this is one seriously disturbed person. Just look up neurosis in the dictionary and you’ll get the picture.”

Another powerful author, Annie Lamott, calls this voice KFCK. It’s like a radio station that is turned to the channel “you are screwed” constantly. It’s mean, vicious, terrified or horrendously grief-stricken.

Even though this inner mental world of thinking appears to be a part of the human condition, there is good news!

The one who notices the voice, ISN’T the voice.

It’s observing. It’s silent. Totally quiet, very mysterious, watching without judgment. It doesn’t know and it doesn’t NEED to know.

As Eckhart Tolle says, this is the first step, simply noticing.

Mr. Crazy Voice may say that this first step is ridiculous, won’t get you anywhere, is inconsequential and stupid. It will say “noticing? HA! whatEVER . That won’t do any good!”

It will think you’re supposed to do something, say something, think something, be something different….and demand change from the people or circumstances around you.

But notice how you sink into that place that watches and accepts. It is quiet, still, but beautiful and open.

It pulls you in like a magnet, if you let it. Beyond any feeling of fighting, arguing, analyzing, debating, wondering, worrying.

“The heavy is the root of the light. The unmoved is the source of all movement. Thus the Master travels all day without leaving home. However splendid the views, she stays serenely in herself. Why should the lord of the country flit about like a fool? If you let yourself be blown to and fro, you lose touch with your root. If you let restlessness move you, you lose touch with who you are. “~Tao Te Ching #26

Don’t be upset with yourself if you have flitted to and fro having hissy fits about this and that. I’ve had at least three in the last 24 hours, all internal. They flare up.

Even if you’ve had 500 fits, are wondering why you are so crazy, even if you have wailed, gnashed your teeth or vowed revenge on someone…the Deeper Bigger You does not care, and is watching it all. It is aware.

In fact, you don’t even have to worry about taking Step One. You’re already doing it. You might be crazy, but since you know it, you’re waking up!

“Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.” Carl G. Jung

Love, Grace

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Is Loving What Is Doing Nothing?

We all know Byron Katie’s famous quote “argue with reality and you’ll lose…but only 100% of the time”. What does arguing with reality actually mean?

What does loving or accepting reality mean?

On the most simple level, it’s easy to see when there is an argument. That shouldn’t be that way! I hate her! He drives me crazy! They should change! There is something wrong with me! There’s not enough!

The feeling of an argument is probably familiar for most humans—angry energy, furious or irritated words, silence with tight body language, terror, sadness, hardness. One big “NOOOOOOOO!”

It doesn’t matter how loud or how quiet the experience, it is gripping, against, resisting, hating, running…people feel like punching, sobbing, panicking, escaping, judging, attacking internally or out loud.

Recently, several people have asked me something I’ve arrived at quite a few years ago after doing The Work for awhile: Does loving reality make you passive?

Why would I do anything if I was happy with what is? Why would I try to leave someone, move, take action, create, lose weight, quit drinking, research my disease, learn about my child’s disability, earn more money?

What I found, and continue to find with amazement really, is that loving powerfully is very active. Love is what is left after questioning stressful beliefs.

There is no need to “force” yourself to do anything, to “discipline” yourself to accomplish, to “push” yourself or others to get them to improve.

Love is actually always moving joyfully towards a magical kind of unfolding feeling, never static, always changing.

“Arguing with reality means arguing with the story of a past. It’s already over, and no thinking in the world can change it….The point is, how can you be most effective in this moment, given that what is, is? Seeing reality doesn’t mean you’re going to be passive. Why would you be passive when you can be clear and have a wonderful, sane life?…Seeing reality means that you can act in the kindest, most appropriate and most effective way.”~Byron Katie in Loving What Is

So in my past money situation, I had the belief that I MUST PUSH MYSELF to earn more money, ASAP. I noticed that was a very stressful belief.

I also believed in the past I needed to “set boundaries” with people or “go on a diet/food plan” and GET TOUGH, get disciplined, take out the whip….or nothing would happen.

I DID believe that if I didn’t PUSH….I wouldn’t do anything to change, grow, evolve, get unstuck. I’d stay the same….which by the way wasn’t good enough.

But now, after questioning stressful and painful thoughts, I notice that I follow the flow so much more. I do what I can, I have a spark of light energy….it’s just there. I think it always was.

When things are tough, difficult, painful, unhappy, these are the tricky places. Like learning you have cancer, or finding out your bank account was just cleaned out….but when you DO NOT HATE it, you start moving from that spot, right here in the present, with clarity, aliveness, passion.

You don’t have to LOVE it. That may be a bit much. But how Upset we are does not take over our whole experience.

You’ll notice you do things like call the police, consult a colleague, hire a lawyer, take medicine.

The most wonderful turnaround to practice, to find examples for, is “I have to relax to succeed”. I have to relax to make more money, lose weight, stop drinking, get healthy, end the war. You can’t relax and participate in a war, I notice.

Right in this scary, worrisome, awful, irritating, or uncomfortable situation…you will stay present with a sense of opening to What Is, right in the moment, under the surface.

I notice I write down what I hope to do this week, I schedule appointments and plans for the future, I write, I create new curriculums, I plan an awesome body workshop next summer, I pay all my bills, I open the mail, I sweep the kitchen floor, I work with clients.

I watch my thoughts rise and fall, I notice them when they are troubling, I write them down when they repeat themselves. If this was my last day on earth, it’s a good day. No worries about the future, and yet plans on the calendar. Fun.

“When I want what I have, thought and action aren’t separate; they move as one, without conflict. If you find anything lacking, ever, write down your thought and inquire. I find that life never falls short and doesn’t require a future. Everything I need is always supplied, and I don’t have to do anything for it…..There is nothing more exciting than loving what is.”~Byron Katie

Imagine what it would be like to not think you have to push yourself to achieve something? Imagine not thinking that if you loved what is, you would be passive, unloving, boring, stuck, inactive, unmoving, or crazy?

Who would you be without that thought?

Love, Grace

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Pain! Ouch I Hate It!

Physical accidents, trauma, injury or death all seem to be things most of us do NOT love. Chronic pain, broken limbs, deep back aches, going through chemotherapy, something ongoing that is always there, unpleasant or horrendous, always hurting.

How do we work with inquiry and asking questions like “is it true?” when this kind of stuff is going on? These areas do not seem like ones where I can feel peaceful, accepting, open. Or can I?

Can you imagine the absurdity of saying in your hospital bed when you wake up “oh, that’s right, I lost my legs, I got burned, I have cancer, my back hurts, I’m paralyzed…and it’s not a problem.”

The other day I hurt my hip. It’s actually been an ongoing pain that’s been building for awhile, sometimes a dull ache, sometimes more burning. This time it prevented me from dancing, which I usually do twice a week.

I’ve been studying Pain for awhile…and how the mind works with it.

Humans have studied pain for decades. It’s fascinating. We talk about people having different pain thresholds. Some women report that childbirth is terribly painful, some report that it was only uncomfortable.

We also have thoughts about those people who don’t feel much pain or who don’t get sick very often are doing something right, better…they are lucky, have it easy, are blessed, are wiser.

Not only is the pain bad, but there’s something wrong with me for experiencing it in the first place!

A study was done recently by scientists trying to understand more about chronic pain, at Northwestern University in Chicago. They concluded that the emotional state of the brain, how the mind reacted to an injury, had so much to do with the experience of the injury, that they could predict who would have chronic pain after the injury, based on brain scans.

In other words, different parts of the brain got very excited, jumpy, and active in response to a physical ailment…and this made the pain last longer or hurt more. Who knows why these brains got more excitable, they just do.

So there I was yesterday with my hip, feeling very sorry for myself. Thoughts like:

  • this is the beginning of the end of my life of ease
  • I’m getting older and I will have more and more body parts that hurt
  • I don’t want to “have to” take care of this
  • it should stop hurting
  • I’m such a complainer—other people have it much worse
  • I should be grateful it isn’t some major accident
  • Quit your bellyaching!
  • BUT I HATE IT!

My attitude towards this sensation in my hip is that it is a total annoyance and irritation AND I feel very sorry for myself. And then almost instantly I’m also thinking I should stop complaining about it and ignore it and STOP feeling sorry for myself.

Now I’ve got a boxing match going on inside the mind. What do you think happens when I’m mad at the pain and mad at myself for being mad? MADNESS ALL AROUND!

Endless loop. No inquiry. Mind spinning fast. Pain appearing and re-appearing.

So, I stop and slow it down and ask myself questions. I can be a scientist studying this interesting sensation in the hip joint.

It shouldn’t hurt. Is it true? I can’t stand it. Can I absolutely know that this is true? It means I will continue to feel pain into the future, now that I’m aging. How do I react when I think this thought? This is “hurting”. Who would I be without that thought, if I didn’t think this sensation was actually hurting?

“Everything turns out to be a gift—that’s the point. Everything that you saw as a handicap turns out to be the extreme opposite. But you can only know this by staying in your integrity, by going inside and finding out what your own truth is—not the world’s truth.”~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names For Joy

How is it a gift that I have this hip pain, for the third day in a row? Or, any physical ailments in life: broken ankle, cancer tumor cut off my leg, horrible case of mumps, chicken pox, fevers, vomiting, rashes, colds, car accident, aging.

Katie speaks of herself doing inquiry on physical deterioration of the body. She watched the mind become horrified once when she passed a very old woman at a mall. Being right inside that old woman, she thought “oh my God, I’m trapped here! I’m supposed to be the young, bright one! There’s been a mistake, I’ll never get out, I’ll be like this forever!”

Without these thoughts of being stuck, trapped, horrified….there is such openness, entering a mysterious unknown. Katie describes how her own inquiry canceled the painful thoughts out.

“….The horror was equivalent to a deep gentleness, a caressing, a full, immovable acceptance. There was no discomfort. It began…..to love itself as the old woman, and to appreciate the slow pace, the withered flesh, the pain, the stench….there was no longer even the slightest desire to be anywhere else…”~Byron Katie

As I stop dictating to myself that I shouldn’t complain, stop telling myself that this hip is awful, that I’m STUCK because of it, that I’m trapped in a body that can get sick, injured or die….then I wonder what this is all for. I’m curious. I’m gentle and kind. I listen to the voice of this pain.

“Your thoughts make you suffer more than anything else, your interpretation of how dreadful it all is….”~Eckart Tolle  

I stop inflicting more, additional pain upon myself the minute I turn my thoughts around.

I have no idea, I realize, that this hip pain means I am trapped, that it will last, or that I can’t ever dance again. I notice that I can be happy even if I feel physical pain or sickness or aging, I’ve known that always, I’ve experienced it.

I start to get excited about getting older. Feeling what happens, watching skin change, feeling messages to stop or go or do other entirely different things with movement.

What an amazing body, bringing me research into peace, awareness, awakening. 

Love, Grace

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Anger–Must Get Rid Of It

Today in the Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven teleclass, someone asked me how doing The Work has really changed me. The wonderful inquirer who was asking the question also said that she felt like she had done the Work often, and she didn’t feel entirely peaceful.

We wound up doing The Work in class together on the belief “I’ll never get it right”.

I remember once raising my hand at a Byron Katie event with a lot of internal pain, feeling like I had written worksheets and gone through the process of asking the Four Questions of The Work many times on the same situation….

Before I even got to say “what am I doing wrong?” which was my basic question at the core, Katie said to me “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”

GASP! Moi? Angry?!!

It suddenly dawned on me that I was trying as hard as I could NOT to be angry. Being angry was WRONG. Unspiritual, negative, selfish, unhealthy. I had a motive with all the work I was doing “on myself” and “on others” all the time. To get Good Enough.

I had even heard that if a person was angry a lot, they could develop cancer and other diseases. Anger could bring on heart-attacks, made steam come out of your ears. It forced people to pick up arms against other people, to hit or slap.

Walking around feeling anger could create muscle tension, stress, aches, sick stomachs, poor digestion, high blood pressure.

But what if the actual ANGER itself is not terrible? It is, after all, a part of reality. It is an energy, it’s doing something….it exists. Who am I to say it shouldn’t?

Perhaps, I realized at the time, I was pushing so hard against being angry…sort of like having anger against my anger…that I wasn’t seeing its use, or benefit. It was getting STUCK.

But wait! I had a huge gigantic expectation that spiritual, good, loving, faithful people are NEVER ANGRY. I wanted to get it right.

Being a kind, gentle, loving person who is not expressing anger is an image many of us inquirers have in our minds of how we would be if we could “get there”. We would be awesome, cool, holy people. Nothing would bug us.

If you can allow yourself to write all the most vicious, nasty, hateful, mean, angry judgments down about someone who when you think about them, you feel rage…..then you have made the first step, identifying your beliefs.

Next, you can get up and do some jumping jacks and fist punches into the air and maybe yell into a pillow. It’s a lot different to feel accepting, or even grateful, for anger. If that seems like a stretch, just allowing it to be here is enough. This is deep patience.

Then you can get back to understanding what is truly going on here, right in this moment of furious emotion. No looking to replace the fury with peace with the snap of a finger…but looking with curiosity. No seeking some different state.

“To seek something, you must have at least some vague idea or image of what it is you are seeking. But ultimate truth is not an idea or an image or something attained anew. So, to seek truth as something objective is a waste of time and energy. Truth can’t be found by seeking it, simply because truth is what you are.”~Adyashanti

So when you are angry, feel it and appreciate it. What is it saying? What does it mean? What are you afraid of? What’s the worst that could happen? If that awful person keeps on doing what they’re doing or saying what they’re saying, what is terrible about it, really?

“The path of developing loving-kindness and compassion is to be patient with the fact that you’re human and that you make these mistakes. That’s more important than getting it right…If you apply patience to the fact that you can’t let go, somehow that helps you to do it. Patience with the fact that you can’t let go helps you to get to the point of letting go gradually–at a very sane and loving speed, at the speed that your basic wisdom allows you to move.~Pema Chodron

Slowing down, I allow myself in any moments of irritation to look, instead of swat it away like a fly.

Welcome, anger. Welcome, fear. Good that you’re here, so you can be seen. Because once a light shines on the troubled spots, and you can wait, stop, love yourself anyway….you may find people don’t bug you as much anymore.

It could be you are getting it right. Bumbling along, twisting to and fro, being human. In fact, I’m sure of it.

Love, Grace

 

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What If This Was Your Only Path To God?

There is an idea that humans have used for centuries to find relief. The idea is that their pain means something, that their suffering is not just random, chaotic and ridiculous, but that it is instead part of their life path. How could it be otherwise? There it is….suffering.

If this experience of life that I am having hurts sometimes, perhaps a lot of the time, it can help on a basic level to consider that what hurts is offering something of value, that I can learn from it.

The tricky part for many is when they quickly also conclude that some other great and powerful entity, that is outside themselves (maybe called God, but it could also be called Reality, the Universe, or Fate) is throwing “hard” situations into their paths so they learn.

That there is a power, we’ll call it God, that is punishing. You suffer, God doesn’t care, let’s it happen, or even creates your dilemma. We’re in a wild, uncertain world where terrible things can happen.

Byron Katie will occasionally use the phrase “if this was your only path to God, would you take it away?”

This question comes from her out of a way of thinking about God that is without fear. This God is love, peace, neutrality, beauty, silence, kindness, openness, truth. Truth. 

We like the idea of a path to this kind of God. So the thought that our pain holds a path to God helps quell the urge to panic, escape, shut down or eliminate this painful path.

We can breathe a little. You mean I might be OK in the end? You mean this is all going somewhere, and it’s good?

The phrase Katie uses helps us enter non-resitance to the situation we find so difficult. Allowing ourselves to stay with it, to look at it. To understand the truth of this situation, to see it from every angle and nuance.

Eckhart Tolle has many incredible things to say about human suffering and pain. He suggests that we have a Little Me that is very self-centered, that always thinks life isn’t good enough. Terrible things can happen.

If we get deeply into this Little Me that is all about, well, Me….then we are constantly on edge, irritated, annoyed, enraged, defensive, nervous or terrified. Always thinking about only the past and what has gone before, or the future and what should be prevented. He calls it being in the Pain Body.

At the core level, the Pain Body is screaming DANGER DANGER DANGER. It is scared out of its wits. Literally. There is no clear thinking, beliefs of imminent danger take over our entire awareness.

But what if this Pain Body experience was actually our path to God? (Whatever God is for you, you can say “Love” if you like, or “Peace”).

Eckhart Tolle himself would not be who he is today without terrible suffering as a grad student. Byron Katie would not be who she was today without years of extreme suffering into her early 40s.

Pema Chodron felt rage at her former partner and realized she couldn’t live with that kind of anger, and that set her on a path that changed her entire life. Joan Tollifson was a drug addict living on the street, near death, became sober, and grew into a beautiful spiritual teacher.

Then there are so many others who felt unrest, sadness, unhappiness, never-ending seeking, like THIS was not enough….ever….and now they are different.

A common thread is allowing everything, especially their pain, to be the way it is. Not attacking it, running from it, pretending it’s not there, doing Positive Thinking and saying affirmations. Not fighting.

This is it. Here’s the path. It’s what you are on, it’s what you’ve been living. Right in this moment, if you leave everything the way it is and drop any part of you that wants it to change….see what that feels like.

What if everything is supposed to be exactly the way it is right now, and everything has led you to this moment. Now.

“Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing.” ~Byron Katie

Feel the relief of not needing to do anything—without a thought that you should do anything, say anything, think anything, feel anything different than THIS.

Even if the Pain Body or Bad Suffering seems to be here, Bad News, Sadness, Anger…see if you can only stop needing to do something about them. No trying to get to a peaceful state, no working on yourself. No getting over to a different Path.

Nothing wrong with THIS.

“When we realize who we are, we no longer have this endless confusion, this eternal battle with ourselves. Therefore we tend to not struggle with others or the world.”~ Adyashanti

Love, Grace

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Her Voice Is Excruciating

Very recently I re-read the first few chapters of Loving What Is by Byron Katie for a class.

In the Introduction of the book, a woman is sitting with Katie, doing The Work on her husband.

One of the woman’s thoughts she has about her husband: I hate the way he breathes.

Hilarious! So perfectly childish, petty, and yet the kind of thought most of us have had in our lifetimes that has left us feeling annoyed, unhappy, definitely NOT peaceful.

Having a stressful thought means that I think the thought, it passes into my mind, and almost instantly I believe it’s true, then I have uncomfortable, difficult, troubling feelings or responses of any kind. Even these silly, babyish thoughts about people and their breathing.

This reminded me that I know one person whose voice is annoying….like annoying enough that I cringe at the sound sometimes.

When I ask myself what that’s about, there are many meanings I attach to that voice. It’s too nicey-nice, it’s fakey, it’s false, the person is needy, there is no range, it’s controlled, the words are too slow, patronizing. All of these beliefs come out of that voice, or vice versa.

The woman working with Katie really was upset with her husband for being needy, not being aware, not being powerful, for being dependent, out of shape. These are all the thoughts located inside this woman—they are not true for those of us listening, we don’t even know this man who is her husband. But we’ve had the same kinds of thoughts.

If that person is needy, then I’m outta here! Gross! I resist being open to them, even physically in my body I brace ever so slightly against the sound of their voice, their breathing.

We start proving all the moments are true that show how needy, powerless, and dependent those people are. Building up the story of those messed up needy people over there.

So….to turn things around and look at ourselves, this is the great self-inquiry. Can I see that right in that moment that I’m wishing that person wasn’t so needy that I am needing them to change? They need to stop acting needy, and then I won’t feel so frustrated.

I am trapped, in that moment, in waiting for that person to change so that I can be happy. Very hopeless, very impossible, random, unknown, a roll of the dice whether they can make the change or not. And I am 100% in need of that person to make the first move.

This is called being a victim. My mind is full of what THEY need to do so that I can be excited, thrilled, happy, safe, comfortable, loving, peaceful.

What if they will never, ever change and the only person who could change is you, from the inside out? There they are, doing what they do, being themselves (breathing and speaking) and now I get to work with how to be truly stress-free in their presence.

Reality is, that person presents themselves in the world in that way. I can argue with the way they are, or stop arguing and see what that would be like, for a change.

“I am a lover of what is, not because I’m a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality…..When we stop opposing reality, action becomes simple, fluid, kind, and fearless.”~ Byron Katie

Think about something very small but irritating in your world, something you see that you feel annoyed with. It doesn’t have to be a huge, major, difficult dilemma in life (although painful thinking of every kind can be taken to inquiry).

Now what if you didn’t believe it was true that it should change, so you can feel better?

“The generals have a saying: ‘Rather than make the first move it is better to wait and see. Rather than advance an inch it is better to retreat a yard.’ This is called going forward without advancing, pushing back without using weapons. There is no greater misfortune than underestimating your enemy. Underestimating your enemy means thinking that he is evil. Thus you destroy your three treasures and become an enemy yourself. When two great forces oppose each other, the victory will go to the one that knows how to yield.”~ Tao te Ching #69

Do you think there will be greater change if you enter the room hating that person’s breathing and the sound of their voice, and believing they are needy?

Or, if you enter the room NOT knowing, seeing with different eyes, being open to the beauty in that human being, being open to how much you actually care about them?

If that breathing-annoying-voiced person offered you a path to peace (and they do, because they apparently show up and throw you out of peacefulness) then you would sit with their image in your mind, you would ask yourself questions about what you are really believing is dangerous about them.

Even if you felt sick to your stomach, you would not underestimate this person, thinking of them as absolutely 100% incapable of peace, evil. You would see them as worthy, and by this, you would see yourself as worthy as well.

You are worthy of yielding. You are worthy of going forward without advancing, without using weapons (including verbal attack). Worthy of questioning how, why, when you feel threatened by someone’s breathing or voice. Are you absolutely sure you can’t wait and see?

“Defense is the first act of war” ~Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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When Saying Goodbye Is Kind

One of my favorite experiences in looking at myself from the inside out, using The Work and other self-inquiry, has been to say NO.

  • No, I am not able to talk with you right now
  • No, I love that you asked, and the answer is no
  • No, I do not want to meet with you
  • No, I’m not going to pay that price or give that amount of money
  • No, I don’t want to have a romantic or sexual relationship with you
  • No, thank you for offering, I’m not hungry/thirsty/tired/sleepy/etc
  • No, I don’t want to live here

Recently a wonderful reader and inquirer wrote in about how life-changing it was for her to move away from painful relationships she once had. I love that she had this experience of freedom.

Sometimes people will think that to do The Work or open to all possibilities for peace, that the response is passive.

If I do The Work and I love-what-is then I will lie down on the ground and people will step over me or kick me or forget about me….

Loving What Is means I love everything? I’d be floating around in a war zone and not even know it, thinking that all the bombs, explosions, blood, death or torture were loveable. That would be dangerous! Crazy!

But doing The Work or inquiring deeply on our internal war-like thinking does not mean to suffer through difficult experiences and keep quiet, stay, or force yourself to do something you really don’t want to do. That is not peaceful.

Doing The Work is not creating a passive life, where there is no action or movement. In fact, I have found that doing The Work offers greater loving power than I ever thought possible.

I remember once having a client come see me who reported that he was bipolar, needed medication for anxiety, had a history of seeing many, many therapists, and wanted a discount and insurance coverage.

I knew I was not the counselor for him. I was not able to prescribe medications even though I knew a lot about them, I don’t offer insurance coverage, and unlike most people I encounter, I didn’t have the feeling deeply that I was the right person or that I even felt drawn to him. This was unusual. I knew to say “no”.

In the past, I’ve had two romantic interests where despite an attraction, I also felt discourse, unrest, lack of peace, confusion and neediness. It would start with a feeling that the person I was interested in should feel better, be happier….I had a longing for their healing.

I would see the beauty in that person, how funny they were, how generous or kind they wanted to be at all times, and how they weren’t able to be for some reason. My love would help them! They even said so!

I discovered by doing The Work that I loved being the patient, loving, thoughtful, calm, kind person. By comparison to their personal behavior or agony, I looked really good. Conscientious, generous, even-keeled, very accepting.

But while I may have looked like I was patient, kind, and accepting with that person, I was not that way with myself.

One of the most obvious and dramatic examples of this is when someone is in a relationship with a person who hits them, or breaks things, or yells all the time, or says mean or vicious things often……and the person who receives the blow does not leave.

This is really not kind, to YOU. Saying “no” is what is perfect when you say “yes” to being kind to yourself. In fact, the person who has done the hitting may even feel relieved, calmer, more peaceful and kinder. Which is what you really want, right?

Loving your “enemies”, loving what is, does not mean I stay in the presence of everyone who has been violent. In fact, I do the Work, on my own, with paper and pen and a facilitator. (I personally find it essential to have a person facilitate me when it’s a repetitive experience or issue that feels big and confusing).

I meet my own mind and my own opposing thoughts, I am free to come and go, to say yes and no, to be in or out of the presence of other humans when that choice is offered.

“When you question what you believe, the mind is free, and it’s no longer at war with itself. And it’s unlimited–genius is an understatement…..
Are you taking care of yourself? Or are you taking care of him as a trade-off so that he will think well of you?”~Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story

Once a great friend told me she loved asking herself the question “what would kindness do?” Many of us immediately think about what would be most kind for everyone else around us.

This means to ask it first of yourself, as you are the only person you can most deeply attend to. And if you are honestly kind to yourself, then you will be kind to the people around you.

Saying “no” to interaction with someone may be very kind. There may be someone better for them to connect with who is much more suited to the task.

“When you are full of problems, there is no room for anything new to enter, no room for a solution. So whenever you can, make some room, create some space, so that you find the life underneath your life situation.” ~Eckhart Tolle

Love, Grace

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Sick, Crazy, Insane Thoughts

Many of us have thoughts enter our minds which actually attack other thoughts:

  • what I am thinking is sick!
  • I must be crazy—he/she/they must be crazy
  • I can’t stand my own mind
  • if I didn’t have this mind, my life would be much better
  • my mind is a cesspool
  • I should be able to stop all this chaos in my head
  • where is the OFF switch?

It’s an all-out war on our own thinking process. An entirely internal argument.

When we make grand sweeping statements like this many of us get tired, depressed, angrier, and wish we were someone else. We start to want to have some big shift of consciousness, some kind of enlightenment, to take us out of this battle field!

But what if we just take one of these thoughts and treat it with some respect. Instead of having such judgments about the actual thinking process we’re in, what if we softened and spent some time looking, like a loving, patient parent perhaps.

Who would you be without the thought that your mind is a cesspool?

Phew, it’s hard to even begin seeing who I’d be. My mind is so speedy quick and the thoughts churn out a million miles per hour.

But really, if I didn’t have the thought that this “thinking” is wrong, bad, annoying, or crazy? I would feel relief. I would also instantly step out of the “thinking” and be able to watch it from a different vantage point.

I would feel this part of me that is an observer, looking and open, without judgment.

Curious, fascinated, interested. Ready to be here for myself. Not so overwhelmed. Trusting that I am the one who can handle this mind, since I’m the one here with it.

“I haven’t met a sick, crazy thought in years. Thoughts are like children–they’re the beloved. They’re children. They’re screaming to be heard, and they scream and scream and scream. And we shut them up; we send them away; we push them under; we deny them, we try to pretend that they’re not there. So when we bring them into the light….and we question them and turn them around, then the children begin to get quiet.”~ Byron Katie

Now, imagine being with a person you know or have known in the past who you have thought of as crazy, sick or insane. You’ve treated them as dangerous, uncomfortable, mean, selfish. You have judged them as someone you need to get away from.

What if you could be with that person without wanting to attack them, push them away, deny them their voice, shut them up, or pretend they are not there? What if you didn’t move away from them so quickly, or decide to “end” your relationship with them forever?

I notice there is something beyond fear, worry, or terror that knows all is well with that person, and all is well with me. I surrender. I allow it all.

Everyone has their path in life, and some paths look crazier than others, more extreme and more painful. The more compassion I have for my own mind, I notice the closer I can get to every kind of human being, even people experiencing extreme suffering, people who appear really nuts.

When I am kind, when I am willing to be with myself in a loving way, all people I encounter are welcome in my company.

Byron Katie suggests that being with that person we consider the “enemy” can be like sitting at the feet of a true guru. This is my great moment of undoing the part of me that has to be right, that feels so vulnerable, that has to assert itself.

So can I sit with my enemies and open to them? Can I sit with my own mind and open to it, without all the judgment, defense, analysis and war?

This starts by questioning my thoughts.

“Do we see an enemy?  If so, then we are not seeing things in their true light and are part of the problem we are trying to solve.…..There is nothing wrong with thought and it can be used whenever necessary.   But in every moment you can choose to follow your thoughts or you can recognize that which is not thinking.  Don’t try to stop thinking, let it happen.  Just recognize that which is not thinking.”~ Adyashanti

Don’t try to stop those people out there who are not behaving or saying or being how we would like, just recognize that you are not seeing them in their true light.

You can see them in their true light. Part of this amazing universe, part of your world. Here for an important reason, to bring out love beyond all fear.

We can all love those people and that nutty thinking inside ourselves, unconditionally. You may notice…..they get quieter, more manageable, and they scream less.

Love, Grace

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When You’ve Got Nothin—Give

Eckhart Tolle writes “the source of all abundance is not outside you. It is part of who you are. However, start by acknowledging and recognizing abundance without.” 

There are many forms of abundance. Cash. Loving friends. Kind people. Inspiring opportunities. Intimacy with my family.

Many people feel sad or frustrated about these things missing in their lives….not enough money, not enough recognition, not enough fun, not enough love, not enough time.

But what does it mean to start acknowledging abundance around me, like Eckhart says? What abundance???!! That’s what I’m talking about—there isn’t any!! Jeez!!

This is one of those practices that can catch on quicker than you think. You GIVE first. It doesn’t make logical sense to the mind. I’m almost out of money, why would I give? I never get enough acceptance from my mother, why would I give her any?

Because the world is made of a flow of in and out, like the tides. And if nothing else, since the way you’re thinking is not actually working so far and you feel lack in this area, why not flip it upside down and try a different way? There’s nothing to lose, right?

What if you walked around today without the thought that you’re lacking something? If it feels difficult to be in the state of lacking NOTHING, then just think about one thing you feel is lacking. Only that.

Let’s say you want more cash. Not enough. You can’t pay important bills, enjoy your life, travel, live in a nice place, enroll in educational programs, or eat three meals today.

If I lived my life only today without the thought that I need more money, what might that be like? What if I didn’t believe the thought that there isn’t enough?

First, I notice that I quit finding proof of how limited I am, how unhappy without more money. I quit focusing on what I can’t or don’t have.

Then….I begin to notice tiny things, at least they seem tiny. I have $2 in my wallet. I have a wallet, nice old worn leather actually. I have clothes on, and a sweater. It’s summer, I don’t even need a coat, I’m not cold. I have a place to sleep tonight.

If I could give, what could I give? This has to be REAL giving, not fake giving. Not like: I’m going to give something in order to do this exercise so that more money comes to me after I give. That is not genuine. This is about being completely authentic. Letting go of the outcome.

If I could really give right now, in this moment, as if I had enough…what could I give, and still have integrity and peace? What could I give and RISK that I may not get anything back?

I could smile at the next person I pass. I could write a card to someone. I could call my mother. I could listen to a stranger fully as she speaks to ask me a question. I could email a friend.

I can notice that around me there are a thousand colors, trees, cement, clouds, paint, noises, people walking, a phone, lights blinking, birds, blackberry bushes. So many things I couldn’t name them all, I would have to sit in one place and write a list of everything I saw and it could take all day. There are things, shapes, sounds EVERYWHERE. Pretty abundant.

I notice I could say to this close person in my life “I know I often see what’s missing between us, but I also want you to know that I really appreciate you. I see how you’ve done the best you can.”

Or, if that feels a bit much, you can say out loud a few things you like about them. “I’ve always liked your persistence, your laugh, and your hair”.

You could express yourself from the depth of your soul without self-criticism…”I have no money left, I feel so ashamed, I need help on how to handle my situation, I screwed up, I am sorry, I love you and sometimes you bug me and I don’t know how to respond, I want to be of service.”

That’s what I did when I tried everything by myself, watched my bank account go down to zero, and had nothing left, and no way to pay for my house or any of my expenses for the next month.

This is what it’s like to live the turnaround “I have enough”. I am not too small. I am enough, I have the ability to handle this, I am good.

“The acknowledgement of abundance that is all around you awakens the dormant abundance within…..Abundance comes only to those who already have it. It sounds almost unfair, but of course it isn’t. It is a universal law. Both abundance and scarcity are inner states that manifest as your reality.”~Eckhart Tolle

You are enough. You have exactly how much you need for this particular moment in time in your life. Try giving, without expecting anything in return. Turn on the faucet, even if it’s a little drip. Let the tide go out, so it can come back in.

“Good measure, pressed down, shaken together, running over, will be put into your lap.”~Jesus

Love, Grace