Have you often wondered why you’re eating, or why you ate the food you ate, or why you ate the way you ate?
If you’ve experienced compulsion with food, you’ve certainly wondered these things many times.
The answer to this question, for me, has really become quite simple.
The reason I’m eating (or doing anything compulsive that I really don’t want to do, or isn’t healthy for me) is because I am AFRAID!
I’ve felt threatened by something.
I’m nervous.
This might have happened many years ago, or very recently.
But my view of a relationship, a task, a request, an activity, a dynamic about life and the world….
….is fearful.
Here’s an amazing question to ask that can really help uncover the truth of what you’re thinking and believing when you feel like doing something (in this case eating).
What would you have, if you had a perfect, thin, strong, young, supple, attractive, athletic body?
What would you have, if your eating woes were gone….or it no longer mattered what you ate?
It’s not a new idea that underlying beliefs, or hidden negative stories, fuel overeating or other compulsions….
….but how do you find out what you’re hiding inside, if it’s HIDDEN?
Here are some ideas, especially one key exercise, you can do to discover unexpected “hidden” reasons you’re doing what you’re doing with food and eating.
In the Eating Peace Core Teleclass, we explore how the mind takes over our experience of eating and our relationship to food becomes eating war, not eating peace.
But when you travel and leave home or are faced with something different and unusual with eating, anxiety and war-like thoughts might become even MORE difficult.
When you leave home, or change something familiar….even going out to eat at a new restaurant or attending a meal at someone’s home….
….many people with eating concerns think “Oh no, what will they serve? What will I eat? Will it be OK? I might overeat! I might not get enough! I’ll probably gain weight!” and on and ond with fearful anxious thoughts.
First, take a deep breath.
(What I always love to call the “first course” of any meal….a deep breath).
Then, do this (watch the video). Nothing else required.
If you’re ready to join the next Eating Peace Core teleclass, the next one is 8 weeks (instead of 6) and we’ll meet on Mondays 5:30-7:00 pm Pacific time starting May 9th. (Yes, you can listen to the recordings if you can’t make it live….and I will also offer this course on a morning hour in the future as well Pacific Time if this works better with your schedule).
Module One: (weeks one and two) Underlying Beliefs that fuel eating off-balance and the Food Plan. Should you follow a food plan, or not? I’ll share when it’s a good idea, and when not. I’ll also share the most common underlying beliefs I’ve found that create eating havoc. You’ll send me your peaceful food plan and I’ll share mine with you.
Module Two: (weeks three and four) Judging Bodies. What are your thoughts about how you should look, or what those other people look like? What do you think of other perfect bodies? We’ll explore why we
Module Three: (weeks five and six) Who Taught You? Here we look at what we innocently learned from those around us, whether family of origin or society or both. We learn to disconnect our actions from what we thought was “truth” about eating.
Module Four: (weeks seven and eight) Peace Beyond Beliefs. We look even deeper at the underlying beliefs, including what we’re thinking there’s Not Enough or Too Much of in our lives that isn’t food.
If you’d like to come along on this journey, the core eating peace teleclass is a wonderful way to look closely at your relationship with food and what thoughts and feelings take you away from the natural peace within.
All you need to join the course is a phone, or skype, or any way to dial the number or connect to the event via computer. The course is audio only (not video). We will have only a small handful of people so I can give you personal attention on this journey.
Have you been wanting to enter the deep place within where you can see your stress or anxiety, look at it with eyes open….
….and turn your thinking around?
In honor of LEAP day (my favorite!)….let’s leap into The Work.
What’s your top repetitive stressful scenario you deal with in your life?
Some people answer this question with “my relationship!”
They’re talking about a primary person they’re coupled with in their lives, or the one they’re dating, or the one they divorced!
Other people answer this question with “money!”
Maybe a source of stressful thinking in your life is through other people close to you at work, in your family, your kids, your friends.
One of my greatest sources of suffering was my eating, body image, lack of confidence, feeling undeserving, being addicted to fear and negativity.
All of us sometimes feel anxiety, irritation, anger, sadness, or fear.
Those feelings are our inner compass.
They’re the key that says “Hello? Hello? Tension is here! You might want to slow down, see what’s really going on, and question what you’re thinking!”
Even though all these feelings are so uncomfortable, they’re awesome for pointing to what wants to be investigated.
So….good, if you feel some stress.
You’re not broken. You’re a human being with a Thought Detector (known as Feelings).
There is nothing like doing The Work for doing this investigation, at least for me (and for so many people I’ve worked with).
It’s four questions, followed by finding the “turnarounds”.
They take a little time, maybe 20 minutes.
It’s a practice, like meditation, or relaxation.
Sometimes I’ve said “but I don’t have the time, I don’t want to slow down, I don’t want to answer questions” and yet, every single time I have done so, my life has changed just a wee bit.
Or done a 180.
Complete. Turnaround.
Happy about the divorce, instead of terrified. Curious about the cancer, instead of an anxious wreck. Full of wonder about the new possibilities, instead of angry about getting fired. Relaxed about the person I’m connected to, instead of annoyed.
Safe. Inspired. Open.
In honor of this wonderful Leap Year February 29th which won’t happen for another four years….I’m opening up some options for you for guidance in The Work and this powerful form of self-inquiry that leads to awareness, and peace.
It’s only if you need a kick-starter.
I sure did.
When I first read Loving What Is, I sat down on my couch in my living room while my kids were occupied with blocks and books for awhile.
I leafed through the pages.
OK, I thought. I get it. Now I need to try it.
I answered the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, that first step where you get to identify what you’re actually thinking without it whizzing by so fast, like a speeding bullet.
The worksheet said “Judge Your Neighbor” so I judged my neighbor. She was a little irritating, now that I thought about it.
I look back and I think to myself….really?
That’s all I could come up with?
I had a mountain of past suffering, pain, tension, grief and shock that were all running my life and very un-investigated at the time. Even though I had been in therapy. Even though I had come a long way, and was very stable and no longer suffering from an eating disorder or addictive behaviors like smoking.
It took a lot of guidance, and attending Byron Katie’s 9-Day School for me to actually buckle down and DO The Work. Until then, I was a great avoider.
After I actually questioned my beliefs, I found out it wasn’t so horrible to see them, and take them through the process of The Work.
I wasn’t so afraid of what I thought anymore.
But it took people helping me, facilitating me, for me to get there. I couldn’t have done it alone.
If you find you’re stuck-ish, or not getting to the heart of the matter with your inquiry, or persistently struggling and anxious, then maybe you’d like to try a different approach with The Work and join a class, do some one-on-one sessions, or come to retreat.
So that’s where Day of Leap comes in.
I wanted to do something special just for today, and only for today.
I’m offering a set of options. See if any one of them appeals to you if you’re wanting more clarity around your exploration of what youthink that brings on stress in your life.
This work is about how to turn what you’re thinking around and find peace in its place, new ways of thinking about your difficult situation, and brand new possibilities.
See if something here is right for you.
It’s my honor to serve you in this amazing, lazer-sharp work that has changed so many peoples’ lives for the better, including mine.
Here’s what’s on the menu:
Let’s Do The Work on Not Getting What We Desire:TeleRetreat Sunday March 6 8:30 – 11:00 am PT $37
Intro Foundation of Eating Peace Teleclass: Six Weeks of Exercises and Inquiry to help you question and shift your inner overeater. Fridays, March 4 – April 8, 2-3:30 pm PT $197
One month Eating Peace In-Person Group to identify and question what fuels crazy eating or thinking about food. Seattle Mondays March 21 – April 11 7:00 – 9:00 pm. $197
Four Individual Sessions for $375 Skype, Phone or In-Person
Special Solo Retreat: In person or via skype/phone. We spend three hours together on your work, we have time for questions, reflection, talking about your work, you create a map for your living turnaround. $197.
Spring Retreat May 15-17 Leap Day Special $325. Three Full Days of The Work on Your Stressful Situations and Finding The Living Turnarounds! For people with some experience in The Work. North Seattle Kenmore Lodge.
These special leaping-in rates….in honor of LEAPING….will only be available until tonight at midnight.
Use this unique link to sign up for your choice of leaping in.
Once you’re in the paypal page, enter the amount of your program in the “Item Price” box and click Update
Complete your payment (if you are using a credit card, follow the link that says “Don’t have a paypal account?” even if you do)
Send me a personal email confirming you’ve signed up (so we don’t miss anything!) at grace@workwithgrace.com
I’ll send you all the details including possibilities for scheduling, and instructions for dialing in if you’re joining the Desire Tele-Retreat or the Eating Peace Teleclass.
Can’t wait to spend this powerful and sacred time together.
“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie
Question your belief in Not Enough….discover the truth.
I’m offering the three day Eating Peace retreat this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday. This is a time to completely unplug from your usual ways with food and eating.
This morning I noticed a funny thought float through.
There aren’t enough people enrolled.
Not Enough.
The Not Enoughs are back, alive and well. The belief in Not Enough of something…..anything.
It’s such a common human idea.
Not enough money, not enough time, not enough love, not enough pleasure, not enough peace, not enough accomplishment.
You might have noticed this thought, even if you’ve never eaten a bite of anything compulsively.
As I sat in meditation on this upcoming retreat, something I always do before I’m about to teach, I felt the sweetness of looking forward to whoever shows up, and feeling the joy and inspiration of investigating thought….and eating very slowly together.
Yes, we practice mindful eating at the retreat.
And people attend this retreat who don’t even have intense “eating” issues, it’s so amazing to slow down in this basic human experience called eating.
In the retreat, I stay with everyone every step of the way, including when you’re eating midday and in the evening. Every bite is eaten together.
Something almost none of us do on a daily basis.
Something I never even imagined I would one day do in a retreat, where I’m the facilitator!!!
Sometimes, when people take this Eating Peace retreat, people report a life-changing HALT, almost like the brakes were put on, around the wild eating cycle of constant compulsive thinking and behavior with food.
Wild cycles of compulsive eating…..
…..that’s certainly what it used to be like for me, thirty years ago.
If someone had offered a live workshop on eating peace at the time, I would have thrown myself into it as soon as possible. I had nothing like that available to me. What was available was therapy (I am grateful and deeply appreciative to all the therapists who worked with me). I also found a group called Beyond Dieting that met weekly about freedom from compulsive thinking about food. There were books to read. There were 12 Step Meetings.
But nothing just for crazed eaters like me that would help stop the insanity for a whole day or more.
I had to go to an inpatient hospital program for that. And I did.
But not before a LOT of suffering.
When I was about 25, I moved. Again.
I had lived in dorm rooms, apartments, house-shares and lots of temporary type housing (interspersed by staying at my parent’s home) since I was 18.
But that year when I was 25 after finally graduating from college, I actually moved a long distance away, going from Washington to Colorado.
I’ll never forget the silent drive for 3 days, camping in my own tent by myself, and feeling the combined fear and excitement of being on the road and entirely free and uncertain.
It’s a wild, strange feeling.
I remember driving through Wyoming and seeing the mountains rise up in sharp, dramatic peaks. I was on small backroads for a certain length of time and I pulled my little car over and stopped and got out and stood in the wind.
A herd of antelope moved off in the distance between me, and the mountains. The wind blew loudly. It was completely silent. Not one other car in sight. Brown grass blowing chaotically like water all around.
I was on my way to Denver. I was on my way into a new life chapter.
For awhile, when I arrived, I had an excited momentum of newness surrounding me. I knew what to do each day.
Project: Get A Job. Get A Place To Live.
Basics like that can keep you very busy and concentrated.
No time for the haunting sense of failure or need to overeat or binge-eat, or smoke or drink (which were low-level things I used occasionally also at the time).
The horrible behavior had been binge-eating. I hated it and fought with it and really did not want to experience it ever again. I had seen therapists for it and learned a lot.
That was OVER now!
But after about six months of things settling down, having a basic job at the University of Denver and my own room in a beautiful Victorian house-share with 4 other people….
….one day my visitor appeared again.
The mean, bored, critical one who was also quite frightened and felt like a victim with a chip on her shoulder and wanted to eat.
She was a part of me. And she was back.
Uh-oh.
I thought I had obliterated her from the face of the earth. And locked the door and thrown away the key.
But here she was returning after my “geographical cure” of moving to a brand new city, starting to make new friends, take new classes, be a new person.
Dang it.
She was kind of angry (wouldn’t you be?) that I had ignored her and put her on hold for so long.
I found myself opening the cupboards of the kitchen in this beautiful house I lived in on Elizabeth Street, and seeing what my roommates had for food.
I stared at their boxes of cereal, or loaves of bread, or chunks of cheese on other peoples’ designated shelves in the refrigerator.
I shaved off a tiny slice, trying to make it so it wasn’t noticed, of banana bread from someone’s package.
My mind started to kick in…..
…..if I just eat a little bite from everyone’s food, they won’t notice.
I did that.
And guess what?
It wasn’t enough.
I wanted more.
I got into my car, in snow 8 inches deep on the ground in my first Denver winter, and started to drive.
I call this, now, the Searching Trance.
I would turn into a fast food restaurant, order something that sounded normal, pay for it through the cold roll down window, and start to eat it the minute I drove away.
Driving and eating and looking for the next place to buy something to eat.
My mind would spin with what sounded good and what I wasn’t allowed and where I could find it.
Is it here? Is it there? Is it around that corner?
Quick, quick, quick, quick.
The adrenaline was pumping and there was a sense of almost being about to get caught, and sneaking everything I wasn’t allowed to eat (to think).
My mind was on an escape mission.
I ate and ate from one end of town to the other, and headed back to my home.
Inside, thankfully, only one of my housemates was home and I managed to smile a big fake smile, say hello, and speed past them to head upstairs to my room. And the bathroom where I would turn on the shower so nobody could hear me, and make myself throw up food I had just eaten.
Then….I could rest.
That’s the thing about that cycle….I could finally rest and I would sleep very deeply almost like I got knocked over the head.
Nowadays I look back at that suffering and realize if only I could have discovered a way to stop, lie down, and relax….
….I could have gotten there without the food.
But I didn’t know how.
I so badly wanted to rest my MIND and my thinking, and it never worked to lock it up or try to control the thoughts by suppressing them and pushing them away or down or out of sight.
Eventually, still in Denver, I checked myself in to the hospital treatment program for addiction and eating disorders and lived there for an entire month.
Fortunately for me, my health insurance through my job at the university paid almost in full for the entire program, although it was crazy expensive.
It was a huge help for me to live my life daily without the binge-eating, and not as a geographical cure…..
…..instead I was surrounded by people who knew how I suffered.
Every hour of every day was filled with exercises, groups, activities, relaxation, therapy, conversations and intense sharing of the deep darkness I held in my heart about life.
I had to face the most sad and frustrating events from my past, and look at ways to handle my thoughts without needing or using eating or any other substances to “help” me get through life.
Now, the honest truth is…..
…..I engaged in every single addictive behavior again after a certain period of time back in “regular” life on the street after my inpatient experience.
But that was when I got really scared again and didn’t know how to be with my own feelings and thoughts.
I had no way to inquire at the time.
I just “believed” and went with it. I thought what I was thinking was true.
However, that immersion into time without binge-eating or using anything, ever, to escape gave me some solid ground to walk on.
I knew I was going to be OK.
I knew I could return to practicing the belief in “enough”.
I got myself into a group, I went to meetings, I found ways to get support and not panic with the deep belief in Not Enough.
Who would you be without your thought in Not Enough of something?
Are you sure you need it?
Are you sure it’s not possible for you to get what you need?
Are you sure you can’t handle this moment easily, without that thing you believe is missing or that you don’t have enough of?
Whether it’s money, time, love, safety or success…..
…..what if you turned the thought around, after you contemplate being without it altogether?
I DO have Enough.
That thing I don’t have enough of?
What if it needs more of ME?
More of my kindness, acceptance, attention, willingness to hang out with it.
That mean nasty one who used to come visit and want to binge-eat?
I notice she still shows up sometimes, although she never cares about eating and hasn’t binged in several decades…..
…..because she doesn’t need to scream that loudly anymore.
She’s softer. She’s not so dark and dreary.
She’s more easily amused, and her mind changes much more quickly.
I let her sit at the table with me for as long as she wants, and she can tell me all about what I’m missing and what she believes isn’t present enough in my life.
I give myself a lot of her……
……because she is me.
Because the ultimate turnaround is:
I need more of myself, in this situation.
I need to attend to me, love me, enjoy me, notice me, care for me, be in love with me, dance with me, eat with me, hug me, feel the enoughness of being alive even as life changes and moves every day.
When I feel this way, I love everyone and everything I come into contact with….
….whether it’s a small workshop full of inquirers, or a big one with 100 participants in it.
I’ve had both, and it’s a marvel either way.
This retreat has room, apparently, for more.
And it is perfectly enough as is.
Can you find it, in your life?
In my world, I can trust that exactly the people who show up are the ones who are supposed to be here, and no more or no less.
If you think you’re possibly supposed to be with me this weekend, hit reply, or join now, or call me 206-650-1230. To register, click HERE.
And meanwhile, no matter who or where you are….
….question your belief that you don’t have enough of something.
It doesn’t mean you SHOULD go without. You don’t know what will happen, with inquiry. It’s just an adventure in exploring beliefs.
You might be amazed at what you find.
“The way out of suffering is to be engaged in the process of ending suffering. The process is the outcome. In Life, the transformation occurs in the process.” ~ Cheri Huber in I Don’t Want To I Don’t Feel Like It
“The Master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao Te Ching #7
Question your fearful thoughts about presenting, performing, a difficult conversation….and feel your heart open to the whole wide world
Have you ever had butterflies in your stomach in anticipation of being up on stage or in front of people?
Most of us can remember this kind of buzzing excitement within for the first time when they were just a kid.
Maybe in school, maybe standing up in front of a crowd of peers to speak out, maybe being in an end-of-year dance performance for all the parents.
Yesterday, around an hour before I was to go on stage to present on Eating Peace I felt a flutter of excitement race up my chest, and in my quiet hotel room I opened up the slides on my laptop that I’d be sharing with everyone. I sat still and ran through the talk again mentally, cutting out two slides since I learned I’d have ten minutes less time than expected.
I used to feel crazy nervous when going up on stage.
I will never forget having Bach sheet music opened on my lap, tapping the page silently with my fingers in the green room as the other piano students went out on stage, one after the other, and performed their pieces for recital.
I could hear the applause and picture the students taking a bow. I would count, 3 more to go then me, 2 more to go then me, 1 more to go then me, OK you’re next.
It’s funny how the mind gives a blow-by-blow report like a sportscaster.
Thanks for sharing, brain, I can see what’s happening here without you commenting every step of the way! Jeez!
But there’s something simple and wonderful about rehearsing and going over something you anticipate, when it’s very important.
People plan for emergencies, after all.
We practice.
Even though it never, ever could go the exact way we anticipate.
Even though it’s truly unknown, until it’s over.
And yet, with repetitive practice….
….it’s more likely you’ll feel alive, clear, focused and joyful as you make your presentation.
Even if your hands are shaking, and you feel like volcanic steam is exploding in your torso.
The Convention I’m attending here in Los Angeles is a gathering of Facilitators of The Work, inspiring people who move The Work in the world as teachers, lawyers, business owners, doctors and researchers, and Byron Katie of course, and her husband Stephen Mitchell the beautiful writer and translator.
Some of the attendees are candidates here to graduate from a rigorous program of training in self-inquiry. They’re all making presentations to small groups who evaluate them (I went through this in 2008).
I had the honor of being one of the professional presenters to the whole conference (there were about ten of us).
It’s truly a think-tank kind of scene. Super inspiring.
And yes….adrenaline appears to be present in many awesome people who are making presentations and being evaluated.
What’s one of the best ways to handle nerves?
Why……The Work, of course!
So right now, think of something you feel a little anxious about doing.
If it’s not leading a meeting or being on stage, it may be an honest conversation you need to have with someone in your life, maybe even someone close.
What do you think they might think of you, if you speak it, do it, say it, take action?
Here’s my list of what they could think about me:
yawn–this is so boring
nothing she has to say is helpful or applies to me
she’s blabbing on and on with too many words
she’s not intelligent
she’s too soft and gentle in her demeanor–where’s the spunk?
how about a joke?
As I make my list, I am reminded of how deeply interested I am in entertainment.
Presentations need to be exciting, zesty, juicy, thrilling (according to me, I guess).
So of course, I’m worried other people might have the same thoughts about mine.
Let’s inquire.
Is it true that if someone thinks you’re boring, you are?
is it true that if someone thinks anything negative about you, it’s bad news?
Is it true if someone gets upset in response to what you say, it means everyone is upset, or you’re a bad rotten tomato?
No.
How do you react when you believe that other peoples’ thoughts need to be worried about? When other peoples’ thoughts can cause you to be rejected, or hated?
Oh so very, very careful.
Insanely careful.
I hold back, I’m sweating, I try to be pleasing, I’m not my true self.
I don’t bring up important things. I just try to “get through” and survive something where I’m on stage, or in the spot light. I don’t risk anything new or different.
I’m definitely Not Funny.
I also avoid what’s truly serious for me, too.
So who would you be without the belief you’ve got to hold it together, do a good job, make sure you’re not boring, make sure you’re funny, appear intelligent, or any of the other things that come through your mind about what other people might want?
This is a big question.
This is a super, wonderful, exciting question.
If you really can hold very, very still and relax so deeply, without concern for how people perceive you and consider your answer and really wonder what it would be like to not have any concern for other peoples’ thoughts…..
…..then wow.
It’s actually quite thrilling.
For me, it feels like an astonishing willingness to collapse into connection with everyone, rather than be concerned for this image, this person called “me”, this “I” using lots of energy to look perfect, or funny, or intelligent.
Without the thoughts of fear about what other people think?
A great laughter bubbles up from somewhere deep within, and tears of gratitude and sharing. Pure joy. Excitement, heart-beating, aliveness.
Truth telling!
Love!
All it takes is imagining who you are without knowing what anyone thinks of you.
Hilarious, right?
Because you actually don’t.
When I went on stage, all nervousness just dropped away. I spoke, I clicked my slides, I kept it simple, I ended at basically the exact amount of time allotted.
People lined up to ask for a copy of the slides I used, to say how inspired they were, to say how much they learned, to say how connected they felt to me now that they knew more of my personal story of recovering from an eating disorder.
One woman had tears and the sweetest eyes, sharing some of her difficult journey with addiction. I gave her such a long hug. My heart was bursting.
All I know is I love recovery, healing, and clarity.
All I could do was to share what it looks like in me.
As it turned out, that was enough.
“The Master never reaches for the great; thus she achieves greatness. When she runs into a difficulty, she stops and gives herself to it. She doesn’t cling to her own comfort; thus problems are no problem for her.” ~ Tao Te Ching #63
Much love, Grace
P.S. A lot of people feel shame when it comes to compulsions. Someone asked if they could attend the Eating Peace Retreat even though they’re working on why they over-drink sometimes. Sure. This deep inner work will still work on whatever consuming-type behavior disturbs your peace.
I received a powerful question the other day about ending eating arguments.
These would be those ones inside your own head.
Eat it! Don’t eat it! I’ll eat it! You shouldn’t eat it! Stop eating it! You ate it! You’re wrong! This sucks! You’re fat! You’ll GET fat! You’ll die of a disease! I can’t! I can! I need more! I need less! Too much! Not enough!
Those eating wars, fights, arguments, concerns, worries that happen on the inside of you.
The person asked me….
….”If I’ve tried everything, and I mean EVERYTHING under the sun known to humankind, to stop being out of balance with eating, food, my weight, my obsessive thoughts….
….what could I possibly have missed?
Why would I want to take any of your programs?”
She went on to tell me she is 52 years old, and spent a lifetime working on this issue.
She began at age 8 when her mom and a doctor put her on a diet (taking a pill and restricting her food).
Like so many of us smart, educated, well-read people, she also knew practically enough to have a degree in nutritional science (no offense to those who actually have it, I know it’s expert work).
She had been to Overeater’s Anonymous and Weight Watchers, and Jenny Craig, and Fat Camps, and done low carb and raw diet (she actually enjoyed it quite a bit, but went off it one day).
She had studied the 12 steps deeply enough to attend AA meetings without feeling like an outsider even though she didn’t think of herself as an alcoholic. She could relate to “addict”.
She had also engaged in therapy with someone she trusted, to study her own emotional experience around eating.
But she still ate too much, and ate the “wrong” things.
She always failed.
What else was there left to do?
She asked me.
So.
What’s my honest answer?
Just Stop…..and get mega tons of support as you do it.
Stop trying to know, or find the answer, or do it all alone….and make THAT a practice in itself.
Then I shared with her a turning point for me that occurred with two things colliding together around the same time.
A commitment to no longer hurt myself. And if I did, I would keep walking the path of Not Hurting Myself. This was stoppingfor me.
If I thought I couldn’t stand it, or my love for myself was threatened (by over-eating, or under-eating) I would be absolutely and completely vulnerable and honest. I would reveal my humanness. I would reveal my shame (if I had it). I would ask for help, if that’s what was required. I would do my part. I would hold still, all alone, and wait for someone to come help, if that was required.
I know these are two pretty huge and gigantic, profound stands.
But they aren’t really.
The short versions could look like this:
Stop before you break the dish
Cry out for help (knowing it’s there) and shout, “I’m wanting to break the dish, help me!”
Notice.
There is no plan for what the outcome is, in either one of these energies.
No set idea for which way it will go.
No ideal weight, no special result, no serious rules to follow.
Except:
Stop hurting yourself,
See what’s really true.
To get to that inner place of what I like to call Open Hands (no fighting) feels very hard.
At least it appears to be hard.
It appears to require some kind of intention, or ability to achieve it.
But is that true?
Are you sure?
Are you sure you need to find these things, and you’ve lost them? Or you came into this world with them missing?
Are you sure you’ve tried absolutely everything, and it’s completely hopeless?
Because I felt that way hundreds of times, as I look back on my experience of raging eating pain…..
…..but I’m still here.
I’m not only here, I’m writing about healing from eating. I’m living in my 25th year since the last binge-eating episode. I am not destroying anything with eating, or trying to destroy or change something.
My life, however, looks very normal and not that exciting or unusual, when it comes to food and eating.
For example, the other day, I felt like eating ice cream and it was pretty late at night.
We had some kind of chocolate chip flavor in our freezer. I took a bite after dishing it out in a pretty little crystal bowl.
I tasted it.
Not that good.
I opened up the fridge and found chocolate syrup in a container on the door, I didn’t even know we had it in there.
I put it on the ice cream, remembering childhood days of this same canned syrup and ice cream and peanut butter.
But it still didn’t taste that great.
So I ate another bite, as if checking, but then rinsed it into the sink.
Slowly.
It wasn’t a sudden smack of “NO! I won’t! OMG!”
It was just….oh. Ha ha.
Almost like a little mini attempt for something, then discovery of the truth.
It’s not even good. I don’t like the taste in my mouth. Maybe I like the texture and the coolness and gooey-ness, but not the actual taste.
There was no willpower or controlling the ice cream necessary.
I realized I was quite thirsty, and very tired.
What I really wanted, was to drink a big huge glass of water, put away the project I had been working on, and go to sleep.
What I really wanted was to feel the absolute quiet of this moment, at 11:00 at night, at the end of a huge day with many clients and creativity and plans for an upcoming retreat on December 12th.
What I really knew was true, was that nothing was required, and I could have what I wanted instantly….now.
Silence.
Rest.
So how do we do it?
What would that even look like, in a program of study like Eating Peace?
What it looks like is practicing together, which is amazing, and enlightening, and supportive.
Just like people in the medical field practice first aid, or emergency procedures, by repeatedly having fire drills and role-playing.
Rehearsing.
When we’re joined in a group together we practice:
stopping what we’re doing that doesn’t work and loving ourselves as we already are, and
asking for help if we think we can’t, hearing what others think, sharing
I find, when gathered with one or more people other than myself who are intent upon understanding the joy of silence, of knowing the mystery of oneself (like on a meditation retreat)….
….then I can return to the “regular” world of life and I’m more aware than ever of the silence and peace in doing the laundry, working with others, typing, answering phone calls, shopping at the grocery store, playing music, picking up kids from school.
Or eating.
That’s what Eating Peace is all about.
It’s really Thinking Peace, Feeling Peace, Living Peace.
I know….we aren’t always in the middle of whatever this idea of pure “peace” actually looks like, right?
(Except we are).
So we’re making friends with every feeling, every thought, every encounter we have that doesn’t seem friendly and peaceful.
The ones where food becomes an enemy, or our own minds become our foes.
We’re practicing the feelings of safety, the thoughts of openness, the activities of gentleness and love, the awareness of feeling powerful and clear.
We’re wondering and practicing and rehearsing and feeling what it might be like to be people who are capable of landing and being at peace.
Even with eating.
Because we are capable of it.
Not all of us realize it yet.
We get to really see clearly what the barriers are to peace in our heads, the blocks to freely acting on our own behalf, or to opening up to the help from the universe on this topic.
I do not know how long it will take for anyone to truly discover eating peace.
But what I do know, is that anyone can.
I created Eating Peace as a 3 month program (and then a 3 day retreat as well) to support people who want to investigate eating wars once and for all, and see what’s happening internally that makes eating so troubling.
How do we end eating arguments?
You stop believing your thoughts, and your feelings that drive you to be weird with food.
How do we do that?
Love yourself enough to take a look at what is.
Stop eating out of emotions, feelings, desperation, anger, or sadness.
Share, be honest, tell the truth, slow down.
Amazingly…..it works.
Next week, we begin the very thorough Eating Peace Online program again.
As always, it’s updated and improved (how could it not be updated, as life continues to unfold).
It’s my deepest intention to inspire both myself and you as we remember how to return to experience peace with food.
If you’re wondering how the program actually works, here are the basics:
Tuesdays are Live Presentation Days. You listen, you watch a slide show I’ve put together on all the ways I’ve discovered to interrupt the pattern of thinking and feeling that leads to eating out of balance.
Presentations are 9-10:30 am Pacific Time, and you can just as easily watch the recording. If you participate live, there is no talking-you do it all via your computer and write to me during the live 90 minutes to share your responses, discoveries and feedback. You can ask questions, too.
Wednesdays are inquiry days. We do The Work of Byron Katie, a magnificent way to clearly identify the weird things we’ve learned about the religion of eating, and we dissolve these beliefs through questioning them.
Wednesday inquiry sessions are also 9-10:30 am Pacific Time. For these sessions, you CAN talk if you like (I love it if you do) but you can also listen without speaking.
The exact dates of this exploration of the world of eating are below.
We move through four powerful modules: Thoughts, Feelings, Body, Spirit.
Three sessions for every module, three weeks for every module.
Twelve weeks in total. It’s more than three whole months of support, learning, sharing, watching.
You’ll have exercises and practices that are fun, fascinating and full of curiosity as you live your days noticing and accessing your imagination around eating, food and your body image.
You can do them all, or not. Your choice.
You’ll also be invited to Stop.
Stop overeating, stop undereating, stop believing your thinking (question it instead), stop trying to change your feelings into something better all the time.
If you falter or fail, you’ll still be loved, included, accepted and congratulated for coming back. The only requirement for participating is your desire to participate, your desire for eating peace.
I’m sending out this email today because I realized something the other day, when the wonderful woman asked me why she should sign up for Eating Peace?
I have not shared what it’s really all about.
So now I’m sharing with you, so you get the opportunity at least to decide if you want to investigate in a deeper, more profound way than perhaps you ever have before, and to see what it’s like if you Just Stop.
(No matter how much that freaks you out).
If you don’t stop, you’re still welcome.
I’m in Seattle and I can’t keep you from eating, or not eating, but I can offer you the stepping stones through the darks woods, and what I found worked most beautifully.
Module One: Thinking. (We start with the mind).
ALWAYS 9-10:30 am Pacific Time (check your time zone HERE).
11/17 (Weds 11/18 The Work of Byron Katie)
11/24 (Weds 11/25 The Work of Byron Katie)
12/1 (Weds 12/2 The Work)
Module Two: Feelings (the power of feeling bad, or good)
12/15 (12/16 The Work)
12/22 (12/23 The Work)
12/28 Monday Presentation instead of Tuesday
Module Three: Body (loving this body, tending this body)
1/12 (1/13 The Work)
1/19 (1/20 The Work)
1/26 (1/27 The Work)
Module Four: Spirit (practicing being with your mystery)
2/2 (2/4 The Work)
2/9 (2/10 The Work)
2/16 (2/17 The Work)
Everyone in the program has my text, my email, and a 9-1-1 solo session to use any time between now and June 1, 2016. Plus a secret private facebook group for sharing insights.
Even if you do NOT join this program, or any future program, you can begin to watch, take in, notice when you do NOT want to stop and when you do NOT want to share (and keep secrets).
You can try, just a wee little bit, to turn this around.
You can do it.
You have what it takes.
To sign up for the entire 12 week journey, including your choice between one of two Eating Peace in-person retreats (optional) then please click HERE.
“The real thing that we renounce is the tenacious hope that we could be saved from being who we are. Renunciation is a teaching to inspire us to investigate what’s happening every time we grab something because we can’t stand to face what’s coming.” ~ Pema Chodron
I’m here to help inspire you to investigate, and share with you how I do it.
Join me, let’s do it together.
And by the way, anyone who joins, gets access for life. Yes.
Grace, you have a REMARKABLE ability to embrace anything that comes into our Work, and weave it in. I love your light-hearted but serious style, and that you can tell your own stories. Looking back at what I wanted to get out of the program, I can say that I got a lot more than I imagined. Thanks, so much. ~ Florida
Peace, Grace
P.S. This is probably the only time this year I will teach this 3 month course. There’s something amazing about doing it over the holiday season, no matter what your practice or religion.
Webinar on Sunday, November 8th. 8:30 – 10:00 am. Share this email with others who may be seeking peace with eating. Learn six jewels to carry with you on the journey to peaceful eating.
(Also, two more webinars on Tuesday and Wednesday morning Nov. 10th and 11th both at 9:00 am. Open to everyone. I’ll be sure to send out news on how to join—put it on your calendar now).
*********
The journey to Eating Peace feels like a long one, if you’ve experienced eating angst over and over again, weight up and down, discouragement, failure, or repeated attempts to get this handled.
Everyone has a right to eating with peace, though.
Everyone has the absolute capacity for eating peace.
There are six beautiful jewels to use, like provisions for your journey, that support your freedom in every way.
Understanding each one, and how to use it well, is very important if you want an easier, simpler, more direct route from war to peace.
Here are the jewels I’m talking about:
Acceptance
Allowing
Identifying your thoughts
Questioning
Doing Nothing
Being/Receiving
Now, I know these are big generalized words that sound nice, but they kind of mean nothing unless I can explain more about how they’ve worked for me and what I mean.
Today I touch on these six jewels in this short video.
I don’t fully explain them all, it’s true.
But maybe you’ll begin to wonder about where you aren’t accepting, or what you don’t allow, just because I said the words “Acceptance”and “Allowing”.
Maybe you’ll consider what you might be thinking that causes stress, or fear, or lack of love, or loneliness…..which in turn causes eating to be off balance.
You might wonder about questioning all the things you think. You might open up to the idea that you don’t really know what’s true.
Even thoughts like “I shouldn’t eat after 6 pm” or “I have to push myself to exercise” or “there is something wrong with me.”
You might realize with the words “Doing Nothing” that you’re always thinking about what you should do.
You can hardly slow down, and it’s difficult to imagine doing nothing…..including Not Eating when you aren’t hungry, or starving yourself when you are.
Maybe you’ll get the sense of adding more Being to your life. Being who you really are. Relaxing, enjoying yourself as a human, not always trying to self-improve.
I have found, when I feel peace, I receive exactly what I need (no more, no less).
I am not hungry emotionally, I am not upset with myself for feeling a feeling.
I am faulty and imperfect and it’s funny instead of dreadful.
I hope you’ll join me for more in-depth conversation and teaching about these jewels that help so much to support peace within, and with eating.
When you think peacefully, with willingness and openness….
….not denying any difficult feeling, and not being against it either….
….then you will eat peacefully, too.
Let me know what your biggest questions are about eating.
What are you concerns, the areas you experience war, the places you feel the worst about eating?
Send me your questions by hitting reply, or by leaving a comment below the video on youtube.
I can’t wait to work with the wonderful group gathering to learn these principles and take a 3 month adventure together, for greater understanding and peaceful eating. Your questions, even if you aren’t joining right now, help me to prepare.
Eating Peace: It’s your birthright to eat peacefully
Peace,
Grace
P.S. Eating Peace Online: 12 Week Immersion to address emotional eating and move from war to peace. We start November 17th. Join before November 11th for the huge 30% discount.
We can joke around about the experience of compulsive behavior, but it’s not really that funny if you’re in the middle of it.
I can even look back at my past life 30 years ago and feel sad that it was so hard.
(But I did question once “I ruined and lost my twenties” and found it was not true).
So who would you be without believing your mind is telling the truth?
I know this is an enormously huge question, and might make some a bit skittish.
(How will I know what’s true if I don’t have a mind? How will I protect myself if I don’t believe what I’m thinking? How will I be sane, or safe, if I don’t believe my stories?)
But it’s sooooo interesting and wonderful and exciting to imagine the freedom.
To notice you ARE the freedom.
Today, as it happens sometimes, not only was an individual client questioning thoughts about speaking up, but the Year of Inquiry group was as well.
We looked at the concept: “she shouldn’t have said that in front of everyone”.
I could find a situation immediately where a co-worker spoke up to our boss during a meeting, saying something about me I felt very embarrassed about….”Grace comes in late all the time, and makes lots of mistakes.”
She shouldn’t have said that.
I remember the feeling I had. The red hot face, the shame, the absolute rage at her later on.
Inside my head I was saying “I HATE HER!!!”
And to my friends, too.
Who would I be without the belief that co-worker so long ago shouldn’t have accused me, shouldn’t have said that?
Noticing how very safe I was, and supported. Noticing how kind our supervisor was, and clear. Noticing I never got fired, or reprimanded badly, and I got a raise later on and cleaned up my schedule and my too-speedy work.
She called me, in fact, to a more confident, clear, directed version of ME.
She should have said that.
Woah. True.
Turning the thought around again: I shouldn’t have said that.
The inquirer on our group call said “Well, I didn’t say anything!” So her examples were more about what she said to others, or said in her own mind, or said to herself.
But then we found a really juicy other turnaround, that very much fit in this particular situation: I shouldn’t have stayed quiet.
Who was believing, immediately, without question, that she was wrong, or being shamed, or being charged with a crime, or stupid, or hated?
That was ME.
The fear was immediate and burned deeply…..I am not good enough, she doesn’t like me, something terrible is going to happen, I can’t speak up.
None of these things were ever said out loud, at all.
Ever.
Just a few simple other words (which in my case were completely accurate).
If you’re the type of person who is too quiet, sometimes….
….you may want to explore why.
Perhaps it really WAS safer to stay quiet and not speak up (in which case, good for you for making a wise choice).
But if you’re still worried when someone confronts you, you may want to do some deep inquiring, and see if what you’re believing is actually true.
To practice living this turnaround today, I got this idea to do the webinar I mentioned.
It may not be perfect, I may fall over my words, I might not get my point across clearly, you might think my voice is dorky, the pictures or slides may not make total sense….
….but that’s what you risk when you speak up.
You risk having it go very badly (chuckling now).
Turning it all around in the most remarkable way to imagine the future without suffering:
I am willing to speak up and someone saying I shouldn’t have.
I look forward to speaking up and someone saying I shouldn’t have.
It could definitely happen.
“‘But Katie, someone might say, ‘isn’t fear biological? Isn’t it necessary for the fight-or-flight response? I can see not being afraid of a growling dog, but what if you were in an airplane that was going down–wouldn’t you be very scared?’ Here’s my answer: ‘Does your body have a fight-or-flight response when you see a rope lying on the path ahead of you? Absolutely not–that would be crazy. Only if you imagine that the rope is a snake does your heart start pounding. It’s your thoughts that scare you into flight-or-flight–not reality.”~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
If you’d like to join my webinar tomorrow, Wednesday at 5 pm Pacific Time, then click this link here to register (kinda proud of my art work creation webinar page registration, so much fun to learn).
Room for plenty more still, starting Friday, with 3 days of Eating Peace. Clean up your inside thoughts, clean up your eating. October 9-11, 2015. For more information, click here.
Your great mistake: acting as if you are alone. Inquire with others, find freedom.
Dear Grace…..I HAVE to change, but I haven’t figured out how, even though I’ve tried everything.
Dear Grace…..I’ve been told I could benefit from an inpatient program for “addiction” (in this case eating disorders), but I don’t think it will work.
Dear Grace…..I know there’s no magic bullet or pill or weekend workshop to end all my concerns and stressful behaviors, so why should I bother signing up for any program (like Eating Peace, or The School, or that meditation workshop)?
Dear Grace…..Are there going to be other people who are: my age, my behavior, my experience, my problems, my gender, my size, my shape, my religion, my background? Or will I be the only one like me?
I notice when I’m offering a time to gather together, especially a workshop like Eating Peace (this coming Friday, Saturday and Sunday 10/9-10/11) where we’re exploring the end of suffering especially around eating and investigating the internal world…..
…..people have many questions.
What I see them asking, at the deepest level, is this:
Dear Grace…..This is my story and it’s really painful. I’m afraid it will never end. I know coming to your retreat won’t save me, heal me, stop me, change me completely. But will it at least make a difference? Will it be worth it?
Have you ever felt this way about something you have a choice about?
I need it to be good (and good means: _____)
I need to NOT be bad (and bad means: _____)
What’s strange is, of course, there is absolutely no way to get any kind of solid, 100% confirmed, complete, guaranteed answer.
Ever.
How does anyone know to try something new, or different?
How does anyone decide Yes or No about a possibility?
A few years ago, I signed up for a program that cost a lot of money (according to me, it felt like a huge stretch) and travel time and planning.
Before I decided to sign up, I kept going back to the information presented online about the program, and reading about the founder and teacher, and re-reading articles and books by her.
It was offered every year, and I took a look for about 4 years in a row thinking “I should do this, I really want to see it for myself.”
What was the kernel of truth, the THING I really wanted, the spark of interest that stayed alive and afloat for all that time, that invited me to say “yes”?
It’s kind of undefinable in concrete terms, but I wanted to grow my feeling of feminine power and awareness and sensuality. I loved imagining FEELING pleasure, joy and self-love.
I had already done The School for The Work with Byron Katie quite a few years before.
This felt like a way to practice a turnaround about being thrilled to be alive, and being surrounded by supportive sisters (the program was for women only), and tapping into the joy of my unique life.
I wanted some examples of what it would look like to be living and practicing that turnaround.
My old stressful beliefs were “being female isn’t that great, sisters can hurt or compete with you emotionally, and joy is elusive.”
I knew those beliefs weren’t true.
I wanted to BE who I was without those thoughts.
However, I knew that once the program was over, I’d still be in the world with myself, in my own personal life, with my mind, feelings, soul, and unfolding steps.
And that’s what happened.
I participated in the program, and then it was over.
But I had tools and very solid examples of what this kind of energy looked like. I had pictures now of how I might open up to practicing the energy of whatever I felt “feminine power” was or “awareness” or “sensuality” or “pleasure” or “support” of other women especially.
I remember during that program I walked down the street one day by myself on the way to the morning session with the sudden question “what if right now, I experienced joy and felt every ounce of this body with gratitude?”
I walked into a Starbucks, to get the most fabulous drink that felt the most divine for my body, the most healthy and nurturing.
As I ordered my tea at the counter, the man said “pretty in pink!” and gave me a huge smile (I had on a pink shirt).
Everyone was smiling in the cafe.
People were happy walking their dogs on the morning sidewalks.
I thought “I adore New York City!!” (which is where I was walking).
Was it the program, or me…..
…..or a fabulous convergence of forces and energies all coming together at once.
Neither me, nor the program, nor the curriculum, nor the city is the “cause” of that moment.
It was all of it, joining together. Connected.
Does this mean it was “worth it”?
On the very last day of the School for The Work with Byron Katie over a decade ago, as I left the big conference room after our very last session, full of goodbyes, a staff person said to me….
….”Now is the real school. Your life.”
Gasp. All untethered? Without guidance?
But who was I in that moment without the story that this meant I had to do it all completely alone, that I was by myself, that I had to figure my whole life out independently from anyone else, or that I was not supported by the universe?
Who would you be without the beliefs that if you decide to join with something, anything at all….
….it HAS TO make a difference and I KNOW WHAT THAT LOOKS LIKE!?!
Who would you be without the belief that you’re in charge?
Even with the simple act called doing The Work, or how about the simple act of eating (I know both do not seem so simple depending on your situation).
But what if you questioned your stressed out mind without expectation of the way it is supposed to look once you question it?
What I have found, over time, is when I do NOT know how something will affect my life, my behavior, my choices, my actions in a clear way….
….it’s actually a bit easier.
I let go of being The One who has to Know.
After my first School for The Work, I got a weekly partner and we kept questioning thoughts every Monday for two years.
All I need to know is that I hurt when I believe a whole novel of thoughts about a topic, and they’re all stressful.
When I inquire, I hurt less.
“You don’t need to figure anything out. You don’t need to see how it all fits together. All you need is to practice directing your attention to the life you want.” ~ Cheri Huber in What You Practice Is What You Have
Signing up for a program, a college course, a vacation, a class, a workshop, a date, a marriage, a retreat….
….what if you didn’t focus on the outcome, trying to make sure you won’t stand out, or trying to make sure you’ll be safe, or getting proof that you’ll be different (better) by saying yes?
All these are impossible to know.
What if you allowed yourself to join in simply because you’re curious? Because the way you’re doing it feels All Alone, and difficult?
Who would you be without the belief that you could make a mistake, or waste time or money, or fail at your plans to change?
I have no idea if I’m so different after my program in NYC all those years ago, but I love the story that keeps playing in my mind, the movie I get to watch, when I think about all the scenes and exercises and activities I was invited to do.
They still remind me to consider what it feels like to be responsible for my own joy in any given moment.
I could say it wasn’t “worth it” (I wondered sometimes after it was over) and I could have saved time and money NOT going.
But I can’t find that this is true, when I question it.
“Investigate all the beliefs that cause you suffering. Wake yourself up from your nightmares, and the sweet dreams will take care of themselves. If your internal world is free and wonderful, why would you want to change it? If the dream is a happy one, who would want to wake up? And if you dreams aren’t happy, welcome to The Work.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
If you’d like to enter the journey, even if you’ve started long ago, or taken it 1000 times, of questioning the beliefs that create suffering around food, diet, weight, failure, or your conviction that you must change (or else)….
….then Eating Peace is a 3 day opportunity to practice, learn, ask questions, find what’s really true for you, get a dose of quiet and insight that only you can really give yourself.
I have been down the long road of terrible suffering around food and eating, and it’s over now.
It has helped me immensely to consult those who have taken this journey and come out.
Now I can be that for you.
Someone wrote to me “I just want to get back to normal.”
Clearly seeing what you’re thinking that produces pain, the urge to eat weirdly, to rage at yourself, to be angry with your body or metabolism, to feel disappointment about food, to be upset with bread or despairing about sugar….
….and questioning these deep old thoughts is the fastest way I know to get to normal.
Whatever that is.
“Your great mistake is to act the drama as if you were alone…..Put down the weight of your aloneness and ease into the conversation…..Everything is waiting for you.”
~ David Whyte from his poem Everything Is Waiting For You
Much love, Grace
P.S. Eating Peace is for those interested in peace, and those willing to look at war. Inner war, outer war. Inner peace, outer peace. To register or read more, click HERE. You don’t have to have any kind of disordered eating to attend, and if you do, you’re truly welcome.
Have you been wanting to enter the deep place within where you can see your stress or anxiety, look at it with eyes open….
