Tag: Byron Katie

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Guilty About Good Fortune?

Even though I’ve looked at my beliefs and stories about money many times, and investigated like my life depended on it (I thought it did)….

….I learned something new after recently kicking off another 8 week teleclass on money AND the Year of Inquiry group underway happens to be on month five, which is MONEY month.

As the beautiful new teleclass group assembled on our conference call and introductions were made, I shared part of my money story.

I heard myself say “I never had to worry about money for most of my life….until that terrible time about ten years ago….”

Later I suddenly realized I still had an upset thought about me NOT having to ever worry about money prior to ten years ago.

Guilt.

My entire childhood, my teen years, my early twenties, my thirties…..I got to have adventures, classes, workshops, therapy, incredible experiences all over the world traveling to many many countries, private horse-back riding, piano and archery lessons, lived overseas several times, grew up in a 5000 square foot house.

I feel a little bad about even mentioning it.

It’s a SECRET.

The very exciting part of the tale of money for me, and my focus for the past few years (and whenever I tell my story) is the dramatic loss of all income, the plummeting savings to zero then below zero, the investments smashed to smithereens, the big house gone, that one Christmas holiday with an inability to buy gifts, the sleepless nights.

But the earlier money story?

People might get jealous. They might not take the hard times in the story so seriously.

They might say something like “waaaah” and pretend they’re playing a violin.

I really shouldn’t complain….I had it good for a really long, long time. I never had to work super hard. I hung out it luxurious places many times. I felt abundant. I was.

But I realized…my guilt was a sharp poking stressful story, like a sticky black inky blemish.

“I shouldn’t complain, most of my life I had it very easy with money”.

It reeks of disturbance, of judgment about having plenty.

Now don’t get me wrong.

That hard time was seriously WHACKO HARD.

And I pulled from it the most amazing sense of personal empowerment and freedom I would never, ever have found without going through it.

I have gratitude, with an almost gasp at the learning and expansion, from having gone through that hard, weird passage of time where money vanished out of my life.

It was incredible.

But before I get sidetracked into talking all about that bad, bad, rough time and everything I learned (see how that’s so sneaky and easy to do?)….

….How about that guilty thing I mentioned?

Having money is lucky, privileged, unusual. People shouldn’t brag about it. I should be grateful for that experience in the past. I shouldn’t complain.

Ever.

Do you ever tell yourself you shouldn’t complain?

Is it true?

Well….YEAH.

People will no longer relate to me, if they knew the whole story.

Is that absolutely true?

No.

How do I react when I remember that fun, easy, carefree life with lots of money in it?

The minute it comes to mind, I smack myself and think I should be more grateful, should have realized what I had, understood my privilege….and then I feel guilty.

Who would I be without the belief that all my early years were full of money and that means I shouldn’t complain or have worries, ever?

I would be deeply aware, more than ever, at how money is one big story, with many little chapters and plots.

For some it’s got big dramatic flare. It’s here, then gone, up then down. For others, its steady, doesn’t change much. For others, its a huge difficult struggle.

Without the thought….

….I would be right here, right now, in this present moment noticing how I feel about money, and how that changes depending every second on what I’m looking at and how I’m looking at it.

“What’s a human being to do? We’ve done the best that we can, and there’s shame and guilt…it’s hard. And out of that comes frustration and self-hatred, and we strike out….But when you work with the mind, the world changes. That’s how it is. Mind is the projector, and the world is the projected. Work with mind and the world follows. It’s so simple.” ~ Byron Katie

Just keep questioning any thought that appears, guilty, private, ashamed, dumb. About money even.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. In case you missed it: Saturday afternoon 1:30-3:30 Pacific Time, Todd Smith and I will be doing a mental cleanse jam, facilitating The Work of Byron Katie together online.

Register here (it’s a minimal fee) on Todd’s website. Join us!

Click Here to Work With Grace and Todd

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The Joy of Welcoming True Feedback–Yippee!

Someone wrote to me saying Grace Notes are too long.

I’ve heard it before (big surprise, right)?

Who would have known the quiet one in the back could wax on, chattering away, or raise their hand and share, or go on stage to perform or lead a retreat, or write daily notes.

But I LOVED that honesty. Very refreshing.

When people give me real, authentic feedback, I am honored.

So let’s see if I can make this shorter today….(stop jumping for joy, I saw that).

Here’s the way to clearly identify your stressful concept: “if someone offers a criticism, a correction, a preference, a suggestion….it means ______.”

Pick any time you felt a jolt in your gut or maybe a waft of disappointment drift by when someone shares with you some feedback, fill in that blank.

The stress feels like this:

Oh. Bummer. Rats. Shoot. I did it wrong. I need to change. Eck. They shouldn’t say that. They don’t like me. Embarrassed. Dang it. Hmm. Sad day. Help. No. Ouch.

Now, you’ve got several thoughts written down. Then you take one of them through the four questions.

Who would you be without the belief that you did something wrong, or disappointed someone (and that’s wrong) or were too much, too little, off, inadequate, mistaken, you lost out, it hurt?

“When I don’t look for approval outside me, I remain as approval. And through inquiry I have come to see that I want you to approve of what you approve of, because I love you. What you approve of is what I want. That’s love–it wouldn’t change anything. It already has everything it wants. It already IS everything it wants, just the way it wants it.” ~ Byron Katie

So thrilling!

Turns out, today I don’t think, research, contemplate or spend so much time on Grace Notes. I could use more time.

Oh boy, I love that person. They gave me such great advice!

“The Master doesn’t seek fulfillment. Not seeking, not expecting, she is present, and can welcome all things.” ~ Tao Te Ching #15

Much love, Grace

P.S. Someone wrote asking if people who are NOT enrolled in the 3 month Eating Peace Program can register for the Eating Peace 3-day workshop. The answer is YES. About 4 spots left.

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The Good In Darkness

Where I live, it’s the shortest day of the year and the longest night.

Something cranks to a slower, slower, slower pace….

….and like a huge gigantic ball rolling, it comes to a pause.

Then, time to turn back again the other way.

The atmosphere is dark in the morning, dark at night. Lights are hung all about in the city, some people going a little more crazy than others.

OK, a lot more crazy. (Have you seen the house on such-and-such street with a scene so bright you’ll need sunglasses?)

I was going to write about jealousy today, because when I get at least three people writing me letters about a topic, and what to do about it, I know it’s time to visit that story.

But for the weekend, I give you this poem for now. Because it fits so well with the celebration of light, dark, returning, going away, moving in, moving out.

Maybe jealousy fits into all this as well.

Jealousy on Monday. OK?

Meanwhile…..in celebration of what is dark, remember this.

If you have the thought “it’s too dark” or “I want more light”….

….notice the turnarounds. Notice who you would be without the belief it should be brighter than it actually is in this moment.

Can you find an important reason it shouldn’t?

I can.

Out of the darkest seasons in my heart, like the death of a friend, addiction, cancer, father dying, a broken heart, change, house lost, money lost, neglect, sadness, grief, unhappiness….

….came the most exquisite light.

Totally unexpected. A surprise. Little things, little examples. Big examples. Freedom from control. Freedom from sleep. Awareness of this precious moment, right now.

See if you can also find benefits or advantages for why that darkness occurred in your life in the past.

It doesn’t mean you have to like it, not at all.

It’s only noticing the freedom when you question that it was a complete tragedy, something to fear, something to resist.

“When your eyes are tired the world is tired also. When your vision has gone no part of the world can find you. Time to go into the dark where the night has eyes to recognize its own. There you can be sure you are not beyond love. The dark will be your womb tonight. The night will give you a horizon further than you can see. You must learn one thing. The world was made to be free in. Give up on all other worlds except the one to which you belong. Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet confinement of your aloneness to learn anything or anyone that does not bring you alive is too small for you. ” ~ David Whyte

Much love, Grace

 

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An Exercise For Finding Your Wise Voice–And Yes, It’s There

Recently I received an email letter from someone that is not uncommon.

She wrote about how she tried to do The Work on her own, but somehow, she wound up going in circles or not staying right on track, getting lost in some of the stories and pictures formed in her mind around these constricting, stressful experiences.

It does appear difficult to do The Work with yourself at times. It’s like doing it in a vacuum, me-myself-and-I all here together making comments, and no WISE person in sight.

I remembered how when I first tried to do The Work. Even though I had read the book Loving What Is, which explains the entire process and even has examples of Byron Katie doing it with people on all kinds of topics…..

…..when I got to the very first question, I was slightly stumped.

Is it true?

Wait. What does that actually even mean?

It seems true.

What a crazy, unusual, bizarre, challenging question.

The other questions seemed even stranger.

Especially the fourth question….who would I be without my thought?

I could hardly imagine it!

At least that’s what I told myself.

What I didn’t realize, was that it would be much easier than I knew.

It is for you too!!

I thought I’d share an exercise you can try, if you find questioning your beliefs tricky, confusing, or you don’t experience much in the way of insight or a more open mind (not that we’re *trying* to get anywhere specific with this work).

It begins with dropping the belief that there is no wise person in sight, when it comes to your own investigation.

What if there was?

What if there is some incredibly wise, open, unattached voice inside of you, who can answer these questions?

Here’s how you can access that voice:

When a question is offered, get up a change the seat your sitting in, or move over from where you are standing, just make a shift.

Take on the voice of the one who can answer with a bigger view, an aware view.

Now answer from that perspective, like you are channeling that expanded voice.

Neal Donald Walsh did this when he had his conversations with God. I have participants do this exercise in retreats sometimes.

People become shocked, over and over again, that they can even do this exercise. They are surprised with their answers and how revealing, how loving, and how caring they are. These answers come out of them! They are accessing some different place, that moments ago they didn’t see!

Someplace different than their world of “little me” who is a victim, frightened, desperate, or angry.

You can do this.

It’s not as difficult as you think.

“It’s so easy not to pay attention to it, because it’s not noisy and it’s not clamoring for attention like all the other aspects of the human mind. Egoic consciousness is always pretending to be the most important thing that is happening…..And right in the midst of all that, there is a presence, there is an awareness, an unconditioned awareness, an unconditioned consciousness. Right in the middle of this conditioned mind, conditioned consciousness, is this shining, unconditioned essence. Essence doesn’t mean a little part hidden somewhere in us, the little teeny kernel of essence. Essence means the totality, the whole thing. Essence means the truth of you as opposed to the untruth of you.” ~ Adyashanti

You are all of this, incredible.

Even if you think it’s difficult to find answers in self-inquiry, even if you think you don’t have them.
Pretend you do.

Much love, Grace

 

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Calendar Planning Made Easy

Last week I had an actual 2015 calendar planning week, with a new pocket calendar getting filled in and events getting scheduled.

It was weird.

It was the most organized, without trying to be organized, I’ve ever been.

Have you ever noticed that when you try to be organized, it often doesn’t exactly go the way you plan?

Sometimes….not having guarantees about the future, the calendar, THE PLAN….is stressful.

What if it doesn’t work out?

What if the plan turns out to be boring, or depressing, or something alarming happens like a broken leg, a theft, a missed connection, terrible weather, an uncomfortable conversation?

What if you’re getting together with your family, for example, and it’s not that fun and you came all that distance….and….and….

Remember, if you’re having a stressful moment like that….you can quietly excuse yourself for a moment, notice the painful thoughts screaming in your mind, and question them.

Or just one.

You only have to question ONE to often find a little gap in the stream of worry, doubt or anger.

“This isn’t going well.”

Is it true?

Yes. She said something so mean to me. I’m not having fun. They’re acting the same as they always do. I feel sad. I can’t handle this. I’m just not cut out for this I guess.

Are you sure? Really, really sure?

Well. No.

(A small smile might begin right here. On the inside. You might suddenly notice your surroundings, and how still they are, how safe you are, how things maybe aren’t as dramatic as you thought only 30 seconds ago).

Who would you be without the belief that it’s not going well….whatever it is?

No matter what the thing is you’re aware of….even that very alarming, frightening thing.

Who would you BE? What would you be? What would that be like, to not be positive it isn’t going well?

You might detach a little, just a little. You might ease up on the strength of your emotion. You might feel some space, a pause.

If you turned your thought all the way around, what would that be like? What if that were just as true, or even truer?

It IS going well. 

Can you find a real, genuine, actual example of how this is true? It can’t be an affirmation, that you’re hoping is true, it has to be something you really see.

We’re giving weight here to the opposite.

This “planning” session went well. I have fabulous events on the calendar. All the contacts with people this coming year sound sweet, incredible, exciting, touching.

I look forward to the calendar being so full.

I look forward to the beauty ahead. I look forward to the unexpected, to delayed flights, lost sleep, imperfect interactions, busy-ness, tons of invitations, lots of time spent working with groups of amazing and often suffering people, earning a good living, spending money, having adventures, paying bills, feeling uncomfortable, questioning the world.

Wow.

Who would you be without the belief that anything coming up on your calendar should go a certain way?

Free? Open?

Laughing?

“The simple truth of it is that what happens is the best thing that can happen. People who can’t see this are simply believing their own thoughts, and have to stay stuck in the illusion of a limited world, lost in the war with what is. It’s a war they’ll always lose, because it argues with reality, and reality is always benevolent. What actually happens is the best that can happen, whether you understand it or not. And until you understand it, there is no peace.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Eating Peace 3-Day Workshop In February…For Me

It’s 2 months until I offer the three-day Eating Peace workshop in Seattle February 6-8, 2015. It’s really happening. People are buying their plane tickets to come stay. People are already enrolled.

Eating Peace
Love yourself, love your eating, love your body–the truth of who you really are

And I have a confession to make.

Last year’s Eating Peace weekend (I called it Horrible Food Wonderful Food) had three people.

My confession?

I had a push-pull love-hate not-sure feeling about marketing, promoting, even offering the event.

Who am I to help people address such a deep, anxiety-ridden, frustrating issue? An issue that lasts and lasts for people, year after year, maybe ever since they were a child?

How can I say “come for a weekend, and question your relationship with food and eating, for the better”?

And I realized in this one particular area, food and eating, so close to my heart since I had an eating disorder that almost cost me my life….

….that I still felt the power of the deep discouragement, the pain and suffering, the hopelessness other people experience around this topic.

I may have found personal freedom, but I wasn’t sure how to put it into words, or if I could really help anyone else.

At least that’s what I was thinking, and partly believing.

Last year, I took a very close look again after I successfully taught the workshop to the three wonderful people who attended, one of them via skype.

Why had I hardly said a word about offering the weekend? Why had I not posted it in the usual online places? Or mentioned it to my peeps locally? Or made flyers, or announcements, or even spent time creating it as an official “event” on facebook?

I kind of half-whispered that it was happening and secretly thought….no problem if it’s canceled if no one shows up.

Several brave souls DID sign up.

They called me on it, without knowing they were doing it. One person drove from another city to be here.

I had to step up to the plate.

I could have said no. I could have backed out. I could have continued to avoid being in this role, and stop trying.

I took it to the mat. I did The Work.

My mind had been keeping me in flip-flop mode.

This happens in tons of areas for humans. Not just offering workshops, teaching material, sharing yourself, being vulnerable, wanting to be of service, creating something new.

People flip-flop about relationships, where they’re living, jobs, schools, all kinds of “decisions”.

Here were my concerns:

This is a huge big issue, with medical and physical impact. People get upset about their food…they are challenged, despondent, outraged, furious. Even brilliant people who are very well-read, have researched this topic endlessly, and tried many solutions.

This concern is dark, frightening, powerful, addictive.

Some people might die of it, there are no guarantees for healing.

Many people won’t relax and question their stories. Period.

I don’t have all the answers……

….Eeeeeeek! I’m scared!

Maybe you’ve had this kind of experience around doing something new.

You are drawn towards something, you’ve learned something magnificent, you want to learn more, you’re challenged.

Who would you be without the belief you can’t be of service? Who would you be without the belief you need to have all the answers? Who would you be without the belief that your life experience won’t benefit others if they hear your story?

Who would you be without the belief you could make a mistake?

What I know is, I feel a persistent call to serve. I used to be so different in this department called eating. I feel so simply free now.

How could I sit back and stop sharing when people ask me questions? Everyone can have this freedom, I know it.

Yes, thinking about food is a deep, dark, powerful, unsettling process.

Yes, eating out of balance appears to depress people, kill people, make their lives miserable, and they do it anyway.

What if all those people who helped me when I was suicidal and struggling and seeing no future or believing I could never change said to me…..

…..”Yeah, I think you’re right. Why bother trying to heal from eating issues? You should just give up.”

They didn’t.

I didn’t either.

I turned my thoughts around about working with people who want to explore their troubled relationship with food and eating.

They are coming along to be of service to me.

Everyone who shows up, writes to me, or has questions is all a part of a great and wonderful path.

I may not be the one to give everyone what they need, that’s very normal. Each of us needs to discover the right ingredients, in the right timing, at the right temperature….and exchange insights with others in the way they’re moved.

But I AM going to offer an absolutely awesome workshop, for three full days with an incredible group. We’re going to have an amazing time.

To read about the details of the Eating Peace workshop cost, food, logistics and accommodations, click here (you can also register).

We’ll be meeting February 6-8, 2015 in north Seattle near my home.

And even if this is not your topic, and you’ll never take a workshop on eating issues of any kind, but you’re agonizing over something really troubling….

….everything is working itself out just right.

You have what it takes to end your struggle. You don’t have to suffer.  You can put yourself out there, with pure honesty.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”–as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.”  ~ Byron Katie

Question your thinking, be your honest self from the inside out, right now.

Maybe you can learn something about yourself by working with only one person, maybe you need a small crowd, maybe you need an audience of 500, or no one at all but you.

It all comes down to the same thing in the end.

Ha ha!

“To be here, all you have to do is let go of who you think you are. That’s all! And then you realize, “I’m here.” Here is where thoughts aren’t believed. Every time you come here, you are nothing. Radiantly nothing. Absolutely and eternally zero.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Zero Grace

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You Are Right On Time

I’m off in silent retreat!

Amazing technology…I can write this before I enter the retreat and you get it now.

And, how do I really know what will happen? There could be a tech glitch and what I think will happen in a few days actually won’t. There could be a surprise.

Sometimes planes don’t take off, things don’t go as we think.

No kidding, right?!?

Time…and all the ideas we have about it…is soooo crazy and fascinating.

And sometimes brutally stressful, without the ability to question what runs through your mind about “time”.

I have to plan now, I have to get ready, I have to get it done, I have to make good use of it, I’m not getting it finished, I absolutely do not have enough, I need more of it, life is too short.

These can be hard thoughts to have.

I have a wonderful friend who told me recently he can’t wait until he’s 62 so he can move himself into a retirement community, whatever place he picks where he’ll be for the rest of his life, and never have to worry about it from that point forward.

He has 11 years to wait until he’s 62!

But that was so funny (and fun) to me…since many of us don’t want to think about what’s coming in the future when it relates to retiring, declining, decaying, aging, dying.

Some of us might have the response to a friend making this kind of announcement that he’s planning too far ahead, he’s got plenty of time, and why is he so interested in moving only once-and-for-all anyway?

Over-planning, under-planning.

Lots of time, too little time.

Who would you be without the belief that there’s too much time, or too little time, when it comes to something in your life you care about deeply?

What if the story was instead that there is just the right amount of time?

Just the right amount of time with that person you once knew, just the right amount of time on that vacation, just the right amount of time struggling with your career, or being in that job, just the right amount of time waiting, just the right amount of time spent completing that project, or getting from here to there, just the right amount of time being alive on the planet?

“Confusion is when you argue with what is. When you’re perfectly clear, what is is what you want. So when you want something that’s different from what is, you can know that you’re very confused.” ~ Byron Katie

Turning thoughts about time around:

Woohoo! Planning happens, planning doesn’t happen, I get to consider planning since it’s entered my world through my friend, I can get ready, I don’t have to get ready, I don’t have to get it done, I don’t have to make good use of it, I’m not getting it finished, I’ll never get it finished, I absolutely do not have more than I have, and I don’t need more of it, life is just right however long or short it is, I write when I do, I send it out later.

“In reality, we are only ever given a moment of pain, and never more, although thought tries to project the pain into time, creating the story of ‘my past and future pain’, moving into the epic movie of ‘my lifelong struggle with pain.’ But life itself is only ever a moment, and we are always spared from time itself. Can we meet the raw life energy as it arises right now?” ~ Jeff Foster

Simply amazing, to be here spared from time.

Leaning into the life energy of this moment now.

Whether there’s a “deadline” or not, no matter what age you are, no wrong time, everything happening on time.

Much love, Grace

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Seeing Through Your Fear To Be Safe

The darkness of fear is bleak, but are you sure the story you're telling is absolutely true?
The darkness of fear is bleak, but are you sure the story you’re telling is absolutely true?

Her eyes brimmed with tears, she looked as if her heart was breaking and she was trying not to feel it.

A woman who had come to work with me was on skype, but we could see each other clearly, it was almost like being in person, even though she was across the Atlantic Ocean.

She had discovered her long-term partner had been paying for porn sites on the internet, going to places to buy sexual experience, and ran up debt feeding what seemed like an addiction to casual or sexual encounters with people he didn’t know.

She found out because of a pocket-dial. One of those weird times where the cell phone accidentally gets tapped, makes the call, and a voicemail is recorded.

She heard a long, strange 4 minute voicemail that sounded completely bizarre, and she had questions.

The questions led to more questions, realizing her partner was lying.

We’ve all had moments when it seems like someone isn’t telling the truth, or they’re telling the partial truth, or something doesn’t add up.

It’s sooooo easy to begin the barrage of thinking when betrayal, panic, fear arises.

You really believe something’s awful, and you’re terrified.

I remember having the same kind of experience myself.

I was trying to reach a man I was interested in by phone. He normally was very available. Almost always picked up the phone, we’d have long conversations. We weren’t even in a relationship….but I thought it was going in that direction.

It didn’t matter if it was called a relationship or not a relationship.

The dreamy elixir of addictive thinking was present.

I need him. I want him. He adores me. He wants me. This is thrilling. This is fabulous. This is giddy. I can’t wait for the next call.

I called back two hours later. No answer. I called back before bed. No answer. I texted the next day. No answer.

Five days later, he called and told me all about his sexcapades, illegal activity, strange dark unhappy environments.

Oh.

That’s the way it is.

And then a whole other pile of thoughts fly in like a tidal wave.

What an idiot I’ve been. I can’t believe I picked that person. He’s so wrong. I don’t need him. I don’t want him. I was so mistaken. This sucks.

Crash.

The world collapses. The dream is over.

But who would any of us be if we didn’t have the beliefs in either the ecstasy or the hell of love relationships? If we didn’t think they could save us, or kill us? If we didn’t cling to others, or avoid others?

Who would we BE without the belief that relationships offer something “special” whether it’s uplifting or earth-shattering?

Kinda weird, right?

What if we really investigated the beliefs that partnerships are such a big honkin’ deal?

Immediately, I find a middle road opening as if fog is parting, and there’s a path.

It’s OK to walk the path alone, it’s OK to walk the path holding someone’s hand, it’s OK to walk the path with a few close friends, it’s OK to walk the path with a whole group arm in arm together for awhile, and then alone again.

“Rather than letting our negativity get the better of us, we could acknowledge that right now we feel like a piece of shit and not be squeamish about taking a good look.” ~ Pema Chodron

And so I began the journey with my client that day. The journey of taking a good look.

Remembering my own looking as we investigate together.

Turning everything around: I am not abandoned now, I abandoned myself in that situation, I am set free, I do not know where this is really going, things come and things go including relationships, things are torn apart, things are built up, there is movement, all is very well except in my thinking.

Could all these things be just as true, or truer?

Yes.

“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy. Whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46

Much love, Grace

 

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You Are Never Truly Homeless, Even When You Are

Several people have written to me about joining YOI (Year of Inquiry) and how it works. Our year began in September….however if you’re really wanting to be in our inquiry circle to stay close and steady in the practice of questioning stressful thoughts, with a group of awesome people, then this is a super easy and great way to do it.

Three weeks out of every month we’re on the phone or skype together, from time zones all over the world, looking deeply at our thoughts, reading our worksheets out loud, closely investigating the pain and stress that arises in our lives.

People get to partner with others in the group if they choose, and we change topics every month….but you can always do your own work, even if it seems unrelated to our month-long subject.

We meet Tuesdays, Thursdays and Fridays. You can pick only one, or join them all. It all depends on your desire for practicing inquiry. To apply, click here.

The other day, during our Tuesday morning call, our investigating was profound.

I felt like we were the peacemakers of the world, considering our thoughts about homelessness, or any other group or person who seems frightening and strange.

Sitting on our call together, I remembered how close I came to my own “homelessness”…..

…..and how now, I see even better than ever before how NOT homeless I was back then, even though that beautiful house in my memory is no longer where I live.

I still drive by it from time to time, and gaze up the long driveway. I can’t really see the house. But images and memories pass through my mind like a speeding bullet train.

I used to think about my old house and feel sad, sad, sad.

I should never have felt we had to sell. We were so screwed up in our thinking. That was such a mistake. We didn’t have a good attitude towards money. We made life hard for ourselves for no reason.

I see so deeply today how there is nothing permanent, and thinking I need a shelter or structure over my head which stays the same is completely bonkers.

Afterall, I’m outta there sooner or later.

The reality is, I’ve actually moved by choice many times, and moved because it was what was required other times, and stayed planted right where I was other times, and looked for a place to sleep some times.

Just like everyone else.

By connecting with the fear of homelessness, by looking at someone I think of as “homeless” in my town, I turn it around and see what I’ve imagined to be so frightening, and what is at home, right now, no matter what’s going on.

Never homeless.

From that place, I notice, I can give the “homeless” person I walk past a hug.

“If you have a problem with people or the state of the world, I invite you to put your stressful thoughts on paper and question them, and to do it for the love of truth, not in order to save the world. Turn it around: save your own world. Isn’t that why you want to save the world in the first place? So that you can be happy? Well, skip the middleman, and be happy from here! You’re it. You’re the one. In this turnaround you remain active, but there’s no fear in it, no internal war. So it ceases to be war trying to teach peace. War can’t teach peace. Only peace can. I don’t try to change the world–not ever. The world changes by itself, and I’m a part of that change. I’m absolutely, totally, a lover of what is. When people ask me for help, I say yes. We inquire, and they begin to end their suffering, and in that they begin to end the suffering of the world.” ~ Byron Katie pg. 83 1000 Names For Joy

Much love,

Grace

P.S. December 6th is filling up–mini retreat in person in Seattle 1:30-5:30 pm all afternoon. What a great way to spend a winter Saturday.

 

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How To Avoid Believing Other People’s Dark Twisted Money Stories

Other people's thoughts about money can be poisonous, when YOU believe them
Other people’s thoughts about money can be poisonous, when YOU believe them

The other day I was working with a client who has had the same complaint for a couple of years.

Both her son and her boyfriend have credit cards, and her name is on their accounts. Both of them don’t pay their bills on time. Both of them get late fees added to their balance due.

Since her name is on the account…it matters to her that these people pay their bills.

Our attitudes about money can take us into the strangest twisted places.

Most people would advise her to make sure her name is off those accounts, right? Then, she may not like how they operate with their money, but she’s at least not supporting it or colluding with it, or getting involved personally.

At least, that was my thought.

Why doesn’t she take her name off everything?! Maybe even close those credit card accounts and let these people she loves run their own money?

I mean…..JEEZUS! IT’S NOT THAT HARD!

Oh. Heh heh.

So easy to give advice, right? So easy to get riled up and have a stressful reaction. How fascinating.

I decided to look deeper, since this story actually triggered a voice inside ME.

Maybe you have someone close to you…a family member, a client, a best friend….they should get clear about money, stop being used, stop getting caught in weird dynamic with people around money, sort their money issues out!

Is it true?

Yes! Like I said…it’s not that hard. You cut up the card and close the account. Bam. Done.

Is it absolutely true they should figure out their weirdness about money?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Money is tricky enough without having other people involved! It’s way better to simply be responsible for creating your own money, managing your own money, relating to your own money.

Of course it’s absolutely true!!

Although….I do understand, there are many strange, underlying, dark beliefs about money, about love, that perhaps need to surface slowly over time. There is a learning curve, it appears. There may be much more going on than I would ever know.

How do I react when I see someone else doing something stupid with their money? Constantly needing more of it? Asking for free things and looking for deals? Bailing other people out?

Sorry. I feel bad about saying “stupid”.

I vow never to do anything like this myself ever again (I once got married and pooled resources, but I’ll never do that again–even though I’m remarried). I feel proud and “right” about getting myself out of debt completely, building a savings account, creating wealth.

I wonder at the bizarreness of the human psyche that has the capacity to drive someone into financial confusion, not saying “no”.

The other night, my husband and I went to see Gone Girl because it was recommended by someone I trust. I love good movies. I rarely go to the movies anymore, so this was rare.

I had no idea what it was about.

At the end, I just shook my head. I reflected on the sickness humans sometimes get into, the longing, the control, the unhappiness, the self-hate….

….and how it can be played out in a primary relationship.

The story in this movie was a fascinating and extreme version of the same things humans believe about each other every day, when their belief system about love and connection is based on fear, self-doubt, abandonment, support and neediness.

Money fits into this in a strange way.

We need money, apparently, the way we need food and water, in order to have a stable life…since we all exchange money here, usually, on planet earth (I know this could be questioned).

Wow, though.

People do crazed insane things to keep money in their lives.

And who would I be right now without the belief that all those beliefs about money are sad, depressing, tragic, twisted, dreadful?

I’d rest in a place of quiet, knowing everyone is working out their patterns and lives in the best way possible.

I can love these people rather than scoff at them or slap them in my mind. I can be truly honest.

I can do my own work about money.

If you notice others who are being crazy, damaging and unhappy about their money….

….the last thing they may need is someone angry with them and yelling at them to get it together or else.

So I asked my client what she was thinking was so terrible about saying “no”, taking her name off these other peoples’ accounts, standing in her own shoes when it comes to money?

I listened. There was a much stronger part of me hearing the story and not reacting.

And it doesn’t mean I don’t suggest separating her funds from these other people….but without expectation for any results.

All I know is, every time I do The Work with other people on money, even as facilitator, I become freer.

I don’t need to take on other peoples’ problems or concerns about money.

Ahhhhhh….the big turnaround.

When I think SHE should be clear about her responsibilities and peace and boundaries with money?

I’m the one who should be clear, responsible, peaceful and have boundaries with money, my thoughts about money, my “rightness” about money, right in the moment I’m thinking about how SHE should have clarity about money.

I speak up and speak clearly, and I allow her to be as she is, loving her where she is with money.

Nothing more required.

“You tell him yes because you’re afraid of losing something or you want something….but can you absolutely know that if you said ‘no’ he would stop loving you?…..When you believe the thought that you will stop being loved unless you give someone money, you become less wealthy.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace