The other day I was working with a client who has had the same complaint for a couple of years.
Both her son and her boyfriend have credit cards, and her name is on their accounts. Both of them don’t pay their bills on time. Both of them get late fees added to their balance due.
Since her name is on the account…it matters to her that these people pay their bills.
Our attitudes about money can take us into the strangest twisted places.
Most people would advise her to make sure her name is off those accounts, right? Then, she may not like how they operate with their money, but she’s at least not supporting it or colluding with it, or getting involved personally.
At least, that was my thought.
Why doesn’t she take her name off everything?! Maybe even close those credit card accounts and let these people she loves run their own money?
I mean…..JEEZUS! IT’S NOT THAT HARD!
Oh. Heh heh.
So easy to give advice, right? So easy to get riled up and have a stressful reaction. How fascinating.
I decided to look deeper, since this story actually triggered a voice inside ME.
Maybe you have someone close to you…a family member, a client, a best friend….they should get clear about money, stop being used, stop getting caught in weird dynamic with people around money, sort their money issues out!
Is it true?
Yes! Like I said…it’s not that hard. You cut up the card and close the account. Bam. Done.
Is it absolutely true they should figure out their weirdness about money?
Yes! Yes! Yes! Money is tricky enough without having other people involved! It’s way better to simply be responsible for creating your own money, managing your own money, relating to your own money.
Of course it’s absolutely true!!
Although….I do understand, there are many strange, underlying, dark beliefs about money, about love, that perhaps need to surface slowly over time. There is a learning curve, it appears. There may be much more going on than I would ever know.
How do I react when I see someone else doing something stupid with their money? Constantly needing more of it? Asking for free things and looking for deals? Bailing other people out?
Sorry. I feel bad about saying “stupid”.
I vow never to do anything like this myself ever again (I once got married and pooled resources, but I’ll never do that again–even though I’m remarried). I feel proud and “right” about getting myself out of debt completely, building a savings account, creating wealth.
I wonder at the bizarreness of the human psyche that has the capacity to drive someone into financial confusion, not saying “no”.
The other night, my husband and I went to see Gone Girl because it was recommended by someone I trust. I love good movies. I rarely go to the movies anymore, so this was rare.
I had no idea what it was about.
At the end, I just shook my head. I reflected on the sickness humans sometimes get into, the longing, the control, the unhappiness, the self-hate….
….and how it can be played out in a primary relationship.
The story in this movie was a fascinating and extreme version of the same things humans believe about each other every day, when their belief system about love and connection is based on fear, self-doubt, abandonment, support and neediness.
Money fits into this in a strange way.
We need money, apparently, the way we need food and water, in order to have a stable life…since we all exchange money here, usually, on planet earth (I know this could be questioned).
Wow, though.
People do crazed insane things to keep money in their lives.
And who would I be right now without the belief that all those beliefs about money are sad, depressing, tragic, twisted, dreadful?
I’d rest in a place of quiet, knowing everyone is working out their patterns and lives in the best way possible.
I can love these people rather than scoff at them or slap them in my mind. I can be truly honest.
I can do my own work about money.
If you notice others who are being crazy, damaging and unhappy about their money….
….the last thing they may need is someone angry with them and yelling at them to get it together or else.
So I asked my client what she was thinking was so terrible about saying “no”, taking her name off these other peoples’ accounts, standing in her own shoes when it comes to money?
I listened. There was a much stronger part of me hearing the story and not reacting.
And it doesn’t mean I don’t suggest separating her funds from these other people….but without expectation for any results.
All I know is, every time I do The Work with other people on money, even as facilitator, I become freer.
I don’t need to take on other peoples’ problems or concerns about money.
Ahhhhhh….the big turnaround.
When I think SHE should be clear about her responsibilities and peace and boundaries with money?
I’m the one who should be clear, responsible, peaceful and have boundaries with money, my thoughts about money, my “rightness” about money, right in the moment I’m thinking about how SHE should have clarity about money.
I speak up and speak clearly, and I allow her to be as she is, loving her where she is with money.
Nothing more required.
“You tell him yes because you’re afraid of losing something or you want something….but can you absolutely know that if you said ‘no’ he would stop loving you?…..When you believe the thought that you will stop being loved unless you give someone money, you become less wealthy.” ~ Byron Katie
Much love, Grace