Tag: other people and money

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His suffering about money leads to freedom…..mine

He shouldn’t be so focused on money.

Have you ever had this thought?

You’re watching, listening, noticing that other person over there and hearing them care oh so much about spending, income, salary, investing, wills, counting, saving, having.

Wow. He brings the conversation back to money, no matter where we start out or whatever the topic.

He’s so suspicious, bitter, frightened. Kind of scrooge-like. Unable to let go of imagining money issues, or people taking his money, or the need for greater and greater quantities of money.

He’s worked independently to amass a fortune. Yet, he still dickers with others to get a bargain, negotiate a good deal.

I feel a strange repulsion and fascination.

I notice the conviction that he shouldn’t care so much about making more money, having a windfall, winning the lottery, buying nice stuff. He’s got so much, he doesn’t even have to work for a living, and yet he’s working. Very hard.

Is it true he shouldn’t be so focused, or care so much, about money?

Yes. It’s ridiculous. Who wants to live like that? I don’t see him as free, or happy, at all.

But can you absolutely know it’s true he shouldn’t care so much, when he does?

Well, he appears to be a very unhappy, obsessive, uncomfortable person when it comes to money. I can’t absolutely know it’s true he shouldn’t care about it, though. I’ve witnessed this same energy in others. The reality, it appears, is people sometimes care a whole lot about money. In a really nervous, freaked-out, upset kind of way. They go to war over it. Families get broken over it. People leave each other because of it.

So I can’t say it’s absolutely true he shouldn’t be like that. He is.

How do I react when I see him over there acting so nervous, and saying outrageous things about people trying to scam him?

I feel scared. I wonder if he’s right. Maybe I should care more! I remember when I almost lost my house, and had $10.16 left in the bank, and how I could barely stand the tension of wondering what was going to happen next.

When I believe he shouldn’t care so much about money, I feel some doubt. I imagine that if I had been more like him, I might never have gotten into a position of losing so much or having almost no money.

It’s a no-win perspective, when I believe this thought about him. I have no winning view of him, I have no winning view of myself, I have no winning view of money.

Who would I be without this thought he shouldn’t care so much about money?

I’d simply be a person listening to my friend rant and rave about money, and people and money, and anxiety and money, and families and money, and marriage and money. I’d be present with him. I’d remain centered. I wouldn’t feel thrown off-balance about money, or my own approach to money which feels like an ever-evolving, expanding experience.

Without this thought about him and what he shouldn’t care about….

….I’d be back with myself, in my own business, noticing much more than moods about money in the room.

I’d be breathing, hearing, seeing, not pushing anything, including concepts, away or out. I may even be honoring the awareness of what happens when people focus on something they believe they need in order to be safe, or happy, and how hard this can be. It reminds me to relax with what is.

Turning the thought around: I shouldn’t care so much about money. Especially in the moment other people (like my friend) talk about it or bring it into the conversation. I shouldn’t care so much about them caring about it. I shouldn’t care so much about my own past regret, when it comes to money, when there’s nothing I can do about any of that. The past is over, after all.

I shouldn’t care so much about money and the future, like needing to leave my little cottage to my kids debt-free. Or having visions of working forever into my old age because I started so late in earning much of anything.

Turning the thought around again: he SHOULD care so much about money. First of all, he does. He doesn’t feel very capable of working a normal job, if he lost what he has. He doesn’t feel very caring about much in the world. His focus is survival. He’s been afraid since a very young age. Maybe money is his only true friend. It shows up, can always be traded for things that help him be a little more comfortable, and he likes playing with it.

All I can do is notice my own relationship with money, and what arises when hearing other peoples’ thoughts about it. Who used my friend’s comments to trigger worry, doubt, and regret about money?

That was me.

And my own thoughts are what I can do something about. Not his.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is ‘out there’–as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering–the situation is hopeless.” ~ Byron Katie

He thinks money is responsible for his suffering, I think his comments about money are responsible for my suffering.

Everybody suffering. Nobody sane.

I know how to get back to sanity. The Work.

Much love,

Grace

October 4-day retreat in northeast Seattle, December 3-day retreatat Breitenbush HotSprings, Eating Peace Process in November.

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How To Avoid Believing Other People’s Dark Twisted Money Stories

Other people's thoughts about money can be poisonous, when YOU believe them
Other people’s thoughts about money can be poisonous, when YOU believe them

The other day I was working with a client who has had the same complaint for a couple of years.

Both her son and her boyfriend have credit cards, and her name is on their accounts. Both of them don’t pay their bills on time. Both of them get late fees added to their balance due.

Since her name is on the account…it matters to her that these people pay their bills.

Our attitudes about money can take us into the strangest twisted places.

Most people would advise her to make sure her name is off those accounts, right? Then, she may not like how they operate with their money, but she’s at least not supporting it or colluding with it, or getting involved personally.

At least, that was my thought.

Why doesn’t she take her name off everything?! Maybe even close those credit card accounts and let these people she loves run their own money?

I mean…..JEEZUS! IT’S NOT THAT HARD!

Oh. Heh heh.

So easy to give advice, right? So easy to get riled up and have a stressful reaction. How fascinating.

I decided to look deeper, since this story actually triggered a voice inside ME.

Maybe you have someone close to you…a family member, a client, a best friend….they should get clear about money, stop being used, stop getting caught in weird dynamic with people around money, sort their money issues out!

Is it true?

Yes! Like I said…it’s not that hard. You cut up the card and close the account. Bam. Done.

Is it absolutely true they should figure out their weirdness about money?

Yes! Yes! Yes! Money is tricky enough without having other people involved! It’s way better to simply be responsible for creating your own money, managing your own money, relating to your own money.

Of course it’s absolutely true!!

Although….I do understand, there are many strange, underlying, dark beliefs about money, about love, that perhaps need to surface slowly over time. There is a learning curve, it appears. There may be much more going on than I would ever know.

How do I react when I see someone else doing something stupid with their money? Constantly needing more of it? Asking for free things and looking for deals? Bailing other people out?

Sorry. I feel bad about saying “stupid”.

I vow never to do anything like this myself ever again (I once got married and pooled resources, but I’ll never do that again–even though I’m remarried). I feel proud and “right” about getting myself out of debt completely, building a savings account, creating wealth.

I wonder at the bizarreness of the human psyche that has the capacity to drive someone into financial confusion, not saying “no”.

The other night, my husband and I went to see Gone Girl because it was recommended by someone I trust. I love good movies. I rarely go to the movies anymore, so this was rare.

I had no idea what it was about.

At the end, I just shook my head. I reflected on the sickness humans sometimes get into, the longing, the control, the unhappiness, the self-hate….

….and how it can be played out in a primary relationship.

The story in this movie was a fascinating and extreme version of the same things humans believe about each other every day, when their belief system about love and connection is based on fear, self-doubt, abandonment, support and neediness.

Money fits into this in a strange way.

We need money, apparently, the way we need food and water, in order to have a stable life…since we all exchange money here, usually, on planet earth (I know this could be questioned).

Wow, though.

People do crazed insane things to keep money in their lives.

And who would I be right now without the belief that all those beliefs about money are sad, depressing, tragic, twisted, dreadful?

I’d rest in a place of quiet, knowing everyone is working out their patterns and lives in the best way possible.

I can love these people rather than scoff at them or slap them in my mind. I can be truly honest.

I can do my own work about money.

If you notice others who are being crazy, damaging and unhappy about their money….

….the last thing they may need is someone angry with them and yelling at them to get it together or else.

So I asked my client what she was thinking was so terrible about saying “no”, taking her name off these other peoples’ accounts, standing in her own shoes when it comes to money?

I listened. There was a much stronger part of me hearing the story and not reacting.

And it doesn’t mean I don’t suggest separating her funds from these other people….but without expectation for any results.

All I know is, every time I do The Work with other people on money, even as facilitator, I become freer.

I don’t need to take on other peoples’ problems or concerns about money.

Ahhhhhh….the big turnaround.

When I think SHE should be clear about her responsibilities and peace and boundaries with money?

I’m the one who should be clear, responsible, peaceful and have boundaries with money, my thoughts about money, my “rightness” about money, right in the moment I’m thinking about how SHE should have clarity about money.

I speak up and speak clearly, and I allow her to be as she is, loving her where she is with money.

Nothing more required.

“You tell him yes because you’re afraid of losing something or you want something….but can you absolutely know that if you said ‘no’ he would stop loving you?…..When you believe the thought that you will stop being loved unless you give someone money, you become less wealthy.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace