Byron Katie – Page 11 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

March 22, 2015

You Know That Person Who Bugs You? Free Yourself Now…Here’s How

Join Grace to question stressful relationships

My daughter (who is 17) just informed me 9 years ago the very first tweet was sent.

Now, you may be saying….

….Who cares!?!

But I find technology and the internet sort of fascinating, although a little confusing.

The thing that got me a moment later after hearing this news was thinking about whomever started “twitter” and sent out that tweet.

They decided to send a very short communication out into the world, like birds.

Hello! Tweet!

The reason I’m sharing this today is….I’ve had a huge mind change on the concept of sharing, when I started Grace Notes 3 years ago.

I write them for everyone, including me.

Totally exposed, honest, kind of embarrassing.

But people can relate.

We’re all inquiring together. I can feel how incredible it is. This is not personal.

What’s this sharing like?

Its just expressing who you are and what you feel and what you desire and where you get stuck.

If you feel like protecting yourself, withholding, hiding, running away, going into a hidey hole….

….nothing terrible about having that feeling….

….but you might just consider turning around and doing the opposite instead.

I’m not suggesting tweeting, by the way. Just sharing in the best way you can the honest, unabashed truth of yourself.

This means your fears, your sadness, your love, your desires.

On Tuesday a small group of brave people will get together on the phone (some will use skype from other countries) to identify their most difficult, disturbing, fearful, mean, bratty thoughts about a very important person in their lives.

Strange, right?

But we get right down into it, with our judgments and immature ideas so we can then bring them through the self-inquiry process known as The Work to see what’s really accurate for us, and what it might feel like to turnaround these thoughts.

We’ll get to use our imagination…..for good, not evil (you can laugh like a mad scientist and wring your hands together for fun here).

It’s actually true.

You wind up taking these pestering, painful thoughts and answering four simple but profound questions about them, seeing the way they’re running your life and your behavior.

Just in the looking….you can see more clearly.

There’s one spot left in the Relationship Hell To Heaven class beginning at 5:15 pm Pacific Time on Tuesday….but you don’t have to wait until then.

Even if you can’t join the class, start today with a little inquiry session with yourself.

Download the attached Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and let it rip. Don’t hold back. Holding back has gotten you nowhere, right? So let it fly, on paper.

Then take only the very first one, and put it at the top of a One Belief At A Time worksheet. And start writing out your answers to the questions.

You may find some relief, or a whole new way of looking at your own thoughts, by the time you’re through. If you need more help, visit www.thework.com.

When you see things differently with those other troubling people, you act differently, you say different things, you make different faces, you stand and sit differently, you feel differently.

This is all the difference in the world. Really.

“Your mind has very little control over this world. It is neither omniscient nor omnipotent. It cannot control the weather and other natural forces. Nor can it control all people, places, and things around you. You have give your mind an impossible task by asking it to manipulate the world in order to fix your personal inner problems. If you want to achieve a healthy state of being, stop asking your mind to do this. Just relive your mind of the job of making sure that everyone and everything will be the way you need them to be so that you can feel better inside.” ~ Michael Singer

The Work is one of the most simple ways to stop mentally telling others how to change to make you happy. Even when you don’t say it out loud.

Come back to yourself by sharing the truth of what you’re thinking. Do The Work on those important relationships. Find out what you really need to make yourself happy, without expecting those other people to change.

You’ll feel free.

What could be better than that?

If you want to join Relationship Hell to Heaven, click HERE.

I can’t wait to work with everyone. You are awesome.

Love, Grace

March 18, 2015

It Only Takes One Person To Have A Good One

question your thoughts and find relationship heaven, not hell

Getting full for the Relationship Hell To Heaven 8 week telecourse that starts next Tuesday evening Pacific Time at 5:15-6:45 pm/8:15-9:45 pm Eastern.

If you want to register, do it soon.

To commit or not commit?

Isn’t that just a perfect relationship type dilemma?

Sometimes people have huge agony about making decisions when it comes to relating to others:

Should I do it, or not do it? Should I stay or should I go? When should I give up and move on? Should I reconnect with that old flame? Do I want to respond or stay quiet? Do I need to talk about this, or relax? Should I sign up or wait?

People have these kinds of questions about primary relationships, friendships, jobs, education choices, moving, having kids.

Moving towards or away from something or someone.

So what’s actually going on when it feels difficult, torturous, like you’re making lists of pros and cons, like it’s a matter of life and death practically (even if you know it isn’t)?

Emergency. Put on the spot. Sad. Confused.

Here’s a step that might help in your process, so you relax and allow life to unfold more easily in whatever way feels most aligned.

Look first at what you think is uncomfortable about your choices.

For example….

A long-term client and big fan of The Work and my teleclasses and retreats once asked me a question.

Can I bring my new boyfriend?

The event she wanted to bring her new boyfriend to was a private retreat where everyone involved had paid a fairly big investment to participate over a long period of time in our Year of Inquiry program.

The retreat was a 3 day in-person retreat. Not everyone coming would know each other well, but one thing was shared–they all were deeply involved in YOI and a part of this special group.

This isn’t one of my workshops that’s open to everyone, which most of them are. There are other opportunities for the new boyfriend.

But the request had come with a promise that this new boyfriend loved The Work, had done long-term self-inquiry, would be an incredible asset to the group.

Oooh. Gosh.

It’s nice to have men involved. That’s a wonderful benefit. Some of my programs have 100% women!

But it may be strange for the other participants involved, who didn’t know they could bring THEIR partners and now it appears they CAN….or this might be GOOD, right? They might enjoy this new possibility!

And what about the fee? Other people have paid a lot for a whole year and this is a major event that some participants look forward to all year, the profound aliveness that can happen during an in-person gathering….but its not the whole year, it’s 3 days.

Hmmm. What to do?

If you’ve debated within about saying “yes” or saying “no” this can be really troubling, and something that even wakes you up in the night, going over the pros and cons yet again, feeling anxiety or uncertainty.

So what’s the worst that could happen if you say “no”?

What’s the worst that could happen if you say “yes”?

Notice what your mind is frightened of, in its imagination.

She won’t like me. She won’t come at all. Others will be upset with me. This will be valuable. This will be difficult.

What do you think it means if you opt-out? What about joining in?

Whatever is stressful about it….how about taking it through inquiry?

Doing The Work doesn’t mean you’ll change your mind to the other option, but you can become free, free, free about your choice potentially, if you question the danger you perceive.

Here’s how.

If I choose “x” then I will be unhappy.

How so?

I’ll be trapped. I’ll have to deal with this other person for the rest of my life. I’ll experience pain.

Or, the opposite: I’ll be lonely. I’ll be needy. I’ll be all alone and abandoned for the rest of my life.

Whatever happens, I’ll have regrets. It will be my fault. That will hurt!

Is that true? Are you sure?

Who would you be without your thought?

If you have questions….you can ASK THEM.

I myself wound up polling a few participants from the Year of Inquiry retreat and found every single person a) appreciated being asked and b) said they preferred not to open our retreat to outside participants.

These people are my peeps who I am in service to. I acknowledged their concerns and made my decision that the new boyfriend wouldn’t attend. Simple.

The participant with the request was disappointed but understanding. But even if she had not been, it felt right at the time.

This can take time and attention. You have to find out what your fears are, and check them out, investigate.

Then you can expand your view and make a mature, open-minded decision, even if it feels scary in some ways.

Who would you be if there was no way to make a mistake?

Wow.

“It only takes one clear person to have a good relationship.” ~ Byron Katie

I’d weigh my options and follow my heart and the most peaceful path, with love.

It would turn out great, or difficult. No guarantees.

But I’d be present, clear, lovable…happy. No matter what other people do.

If you find yourself experiencing pain, stress, irritation, agony around someone else in your life–parent, partner, boss, employee, neighbor–then come join us in Relationship Hell To Heaven to begin to inquire and find your freedom to be clear.

Click HERE to register.

Love, Grace

March 16, 2015

Are You Sure You Were Hurt And Might Get Hurt Again?

We need to talk.

Have you ever had someone text you, or leave a voicemail, or send you an email, or mail you a letter, or say this when you see each other….

….and you have a little voice inside that says “oh no”?

Surge of adrenaline.

Maybe the inner frightened voice takes off chattering.

What’d I do? What’s the problem now? They don’t like me.

Sometimes people think those four words “we need to talk” mean you’re about to get broken up with! Ouch.

This is one of my favorite ideas to do The Work on…..

….the story that I am about to be hurt by someone’s words, because they are not pleased with my behavior.

Whether they’re about to say I’m a jerk, or they didn’t like what I did or said, or they’re so unhappy they are leaving this relationship, it can bring up a strange sense of fear.

Let’s take a look, using The Work.

You may notice, you’ve believed this thought for years, since you were a kid even.

Here’s the Big Stressful Belief in summary:

It is possible to be hurt by other people’s words (or actions).

Dang. Doesn’t that seem true?

Is it?

Yes, yes, yes!

People are mean. People have said hard things. They’ve left me. They’ve cut me off. They’ve told me they don’t like stuff I do, or think, or say.

It’s made me cry. I’ll do anything to avoid it. It feels like a knife in my heart.

I hate when people don’t like me. It sucks.

Are you sure? Are you absolutely sure it’s true?

Wow. Really?

But wait.

Think about this answer, deeply.

Can other people really hurt you with their words, or actions? What do you mean by “hurt”?

Do they not have a right to their opinion? Is it a permanent opinion, or something changeable?

Does everyone have to like you? Does everyone have to look like someone who is kind, or loving, or caring?

I notice that people who act nice sometimes aren’t, and people who act mean sometimes aren’t.

I notice human feelings are movable, malleable, changing.

How do you react when you believe you can be hurt?

Do you stay away from people? Do you make sure not to get too close? Do you stay home, just to avoid possible rejection? Do you keep quiet in a group or a classroom? Do you act agreeable, saying “yes” when you really mean “no”? Do you smile a lot?

Phew.

Now don’t get upset with yourself for being such a pleaser. You’ve done what you needed to do, you thought, in order to survive.

This is not the time to say you’re stupid for being so worried about what other people think.

This is learning, here. You’re OK.

I was at a huge party not long ago. An acquaintance I was speaking to I realized had a few drinks. He was talking about an event next fall and telling me the dates of when it would be happening and how I had to come, and leaning in too far, repeating himself.

“Are you free those dates?”

I nodded in agreement, trying to see my escape route around the table out of the corner of my eye.

I heard myself mumble “yes, I think I’m free around that time.”

I knew I would never go to that event, even if I was free.

But something about the alcohol-breath and the loud voices all around and the party atmosphere made me not be direct. Not that I would do it any differently overall, but why on earth say that I’m even free?

Jeez!

Who would I be without the belief that people can hurt me with words or actions?

Even if he had started calling me names, or been abrupt somehow?

Even if someone said “I’m breaking up with you” (it’s happened).

Even if someone said “I don’t like the way you handled that, or said this, or acted like that” (it’s happened).

Even if someone said “I don’t want to hang out with you any more” (it’s happened).

Without the belief that these words or actions are painful, I notice there’s no defense.

The energy still comes at me and goes right through me. It feels uncomfortable for a moment.

But also exciting.

Something within feels very, very quiet and solid.

Something feels raw and exposed and vulnerable, but also like this energy is nothing to be truly afraid of.

I notice having people say things, or leave, hasn’t killed me.

Usually, it’s been eye-opening, and powerful.

Turning the belief around:

It is impossible to be hurt by other people’s words (or actions). It is possible to be healed by other people’s words or actions.

She hurt me—she healed me.

He hurt me—he healed me.

I hurt her. I hurt him. I hurt myself.

WOW. Could this all be as true, or truer?

“No thought you have ever had is true. No opinion you have ever held is right. Let them go. No idea you have of yourself, or of who or what you are, has ever corresponded to reality. Or ever will. Let them go….Let grace stop you.” ~ David Carse in Perfect Brilliant Stillness

What an adventure the “criticism” has been. What thrill.

What welcome destruction of the little “I” who thinks its so important and gets so jumpy the minute its judged.

“Don’t wish for union! There’s a closeness beyond that…Fall in love in such a way that it frees you from any connecting. Love is the soul’s light, the taste of morning; no me, no we, no claim of being…As eyes in silence, tears, face: love cannot be said.” ~ Rumi

Could it be true that I was only hurting myself with my own imagination and stories, every time I believed others could hurt me?

It doesn’t mean I don’t feel energy coursing through me when you call me names, or walk away, or do something harmful.

But the energy goes through and past, its met with understanding and love.

I feel it, completely, and cry, or laugh, or take a quick in-breath….and see that love is still right here…..always.

Love, Grace

[stextbox id=”custom”]P.S. Free webinar on Desire and The Work of Byron Katie (a happy marriage) on March 26th 10-11:30 am Pacific Time. More in tomorrow’s Grace Note. Stay tuned![/stextbox]

March 13, 2015

Committing To Practice Makes All The Difference In Your Whole World

question your stressful thoughts--change your whole world. Really. — question your stressful thoughts–change your whole world. Really.

Year of Inquiry (YOI) is a small group of inquirers who connect for an entire year together, starting every September and meeting all year long, changing topics every month.

Yah. It’s intense.

It’s a long commitment.

We’re half way through the year. And we love it.

It’s amazing over time to have a regular practice of collecting together and questioning….deeply.

Who would you BE without that thought, about your body (we happen to be on the BODY month right now) or money, or your primary relationship, or your dad or mom?

Sinking in over and over, together.

The thing I love about a whole year is we come and go, we’re on vacation then we’re back, we show up then we miss a session, but we tap back in, regroup, show up, focus.

Remember.

Over time the practice of inquiring becomes so, so, so fun.

We get to know one another’s voices, wishes, the way we respond in a very intimate way, without ever telling all our stories.

Someone wrote me an email once after reading a Grace Note.

“Don’t you get tired of questioning your thoughts? Isn’t this a little repetitive or obsessive?”

Yes to the second part. Ha ha!

No to the first.

I have NO IDEA why I don’t get tired of this.

Well, OK, maybe there’s an idea.

Somewhere along the way, I realized this work was about ending fear. Ending agony about what happened before and what might happen next.

I also realized there was absolutely nothing else I could do, except question my painful thinking.

Wow. Nothing. No control.

I only had my own mind ultimately to work with, it didn’t work to try to fix or adjust or make the world better.

I could end the drama of needing other people to change, or the environment to change, or this whole world to change….

….in order to actually be happy.

I could actually enter the humor of not being my mind, not taking my thinking seriously….

….and watch this astonishing life unfold with all the flavors, variety, complexity and strangeness of the most inventive, brilliant novel.

With joy.

Not upset.

I love all the people who show up for inquiry, every single day in the groups or telecourses I run.

Everyone doing the best they can, everyone curious….open.

Everyone dropping their limiting stories, on their own path, and sharing this process together, at their own pace.

We do have room for up to three people right now in YOI. We have calls on Tuesday mornings 9 am, Thursday afternoons 4:30 pm, and Fridays 9 am Pacific time. Come to one, two or all three–your choice.

We gather in person for those who can get to the northwest USA May 29-31. But if you’re super far away, like Europe, then you might choose not to travel and that’s OK too (it’s less expensive).

I don’t want anyone to miss out who would love this ongoing opportunity to be in The Work three weeks out of every month and see what regular inquiry can bring to your life.

It looks like freedom.

“Reality–the way that it is, exactly as it is, in every moment–is always kind. It’s our STORY about reality that blurs our vision, obscures what’s true, and leads us to believe that there is injustice in the world. I sometimes say that you move totally away from reality when you believe there is a legitimate reason to suffer….It’s insane to believe that suffering is caused by anything outside the mind. A clear mind doesn’t suffer.” ~ Byron Katie

And of course, even if an organized regular inquiry group isn’t right for you–there are other ways to do The Work with people.

You can call the Help Line (click HERE to use it for free).

“If you want to work with your psyche, you have to loosen up in there…you have to get underneath and see why your psyche is the way it is. It was programmed that way. But you can learn how to interact with life in a wholesome, participatory way. You have the right to relax and let fear pass right through you.” ~ Michael Singer

If you’re in the mood for lightening up, understanding your mind, becoming intimate with reality….

….and you’d like support on your journey….

….then consider coming on board to the upcoming Relationships telecourse, or Year of Inquiry, or Desire and The Work, or Summer Camp for The Mind this coming summer, or Breitenbush 5 day retreat in the spectacular natural Hotsprings of Oregon.

I love connecting with you, questioning the way we all think, and changing our world.

If you’re interested in YOI or another teleclass, hit reply and let me know (your email will go directly to me personally) or visit www.workwithgrace.com and click on teleclasses or programs to see what’s coming up.

Much love, Grace

February 25, 2015

It Not Only Wasn’t Bad, It Was Wonderful…The Surprise of Losing All My Money

Last night the current Money telecourse gathered.

We’ve been looking for seven weeks now at money.

What money is, what money does, what money would give us, what money offers, and checking the very common belief that so many people share that More Money Is Better.

Isn’t it funny how true that can appear to be?

Nothing inherently wrong with loving money….but so dang stressful when wanting money becomes intense, demanding, full of despair, or confusing.

It’s like unrequited love.

As we looked last night, I love how participants in the class noticed their childish feelings, demanding that their money level be different, at least hoping that it would be higher later, if not now.

Many years ago (but not all that long–it was December 2008) I remember well. I had $10.81 left in my bank account.

It was Christmas time.

I could afford almost nothing for my children. I could hardly believe this was happening. I was a single mom.

If I didn’t come up with almost $2000 within 2 weeks, I would begin the foreclosure process with our little cottage, my one asset besides my old clunker car.

I had pictures of the Titanic sinking, full of money. Everything pouring out, going down. Or me riding an airplane dive bombing towards the earth careening out of control.

But who would I be in that moment, without the belief that I needed more money?

Almost bizarre.

Really?

I could be without that thought?

Wouldn’t that be dangerous, or stupid, or in denial, or retarded of me? I mean, it was OBVIOUS I needed more money.

I needed it to “save” my house. I needed my car. I needed to live in that cottage. I needed to keep my kids in that school. I needed to remain in that neighborhood. I needed to buy Christmas presents.

Are you sure? Are you entirely positive? Would life be so ruined without these items, this plan….that is MY plan?

Who would I really be without the belief that it has to go MY way?

Wow.

As I became willing to open my mind to alternative possibilities, the turnarounds started tumbling forward, shockingly, without too much effort.

How could this be….interesting? Advantageous? Exciting? Full of potential? Curious?

I remembered when I was 22 having a major existential crisis and I gave away or threw away all my possessions. Even my highschool year books. Most of my clothes, gone. All trinkets, photo albums, posters, material possessions….gone.

Everything I owned fit into my car.

There was a freedom and lightness I had never known, in having nothing. Nothing to worry about, nothing to protect, nothing to take care of, nothing to repair or fix or get upset about.

Ha ha! Maybe this could be the same.

Could I have Christmas and have the genuine experience of the Grinch story?

Yes. I could.

I borrowed about $60 and went to Goodwill and bought used thrift store items for my two kids. It looked like nothing under the tree.

On Christmas morning, it didn’t matter.

There was almost nothing to wrap. It made things pretty easy. I thought of Laura Ingalls Wilder like I imagined when I was little, who received an orange and a stick of candy in the Kansas blizzards, and how amazing she thought it was.

I noticed the awareness of knowing nothing is required.

Nothing Is Required.

The absolute freedom of pure nothing. Knowing nothing, having nothing, be wild and undomesticated and open to the unknown.

Who would I be without the belief that more money would be better?

Free to start right now living in the joyful present moment, where we were breathing, warm, laughing, alive….with zero expectations for the future.

“I have helped people do The Work on rape, war in Vietnam and Bosnia, torture, internment in Nazi concentration camps, the death of a child, and the prolonged pain of illnesses like cancer. Many of us think that it’s not humanly possible to accept extreme experiences like these, much less meet them with unconditional love. But not only is that possible, it’s our true nature. Nothing terrible has ever happened except in our thinking. Reality is always good, even in situations that seem like nightmares. The story we tell is the only nightmare that we have lived. When I say that the worst that can happen is a belief, I am being literal. The worst that can happen to you is your uninvestigated belief system.” Byron Katie in Loving What Is

I noticed that day, the birds flew, there was enough gas in my car to drive to my mother’s house for celebration, there was a feast to eat with family, everyone was alive, happy, breathing.

Except in my head, nothing terrible was happening.

And then, not even in my head.

Having so little gave me awareness of what it was really like, instead of imagining what it would be like.

It was wonderful.

How lucky could I be?

Love, Grace

February 20, 2015

Eating Peace – Seven Foundational Rocks For Your Eating Peace Home

Tomorrow evening, I’ll be wrapping up registration for Eating Peace and starting the program with everyone the next morning (actually, to be exact, everyone will get the link to listen and watch the presentation tomorrow night Pacific time, so no matter what time zone, you’ve got Sunday all day to watch).

I’ve had lots of emails and questions about Eating Peace, so I thought I’d make a video and share some wisdom here with you that can bring insight to everyone.

This will be wonderful information to have whether you ever take Eating Peace online or not.

In this video, I talk about seven foundational principles or bedrocks that I’ve found serve as a base for building a beautiful relationship with eating.

They don’t have anything to do with willpower, controlling yourself, thinking positively, or following a certain food and exercise plan.

Not at all.

I tried all those things, and none of them ever worked to achieve lasting peace with my body and food.

These seven foundational rocks will help you find balance with anything, not just food.

And I have one important piece of information to share that I haven’t broadcast to the greater community….

….which is that once you participate in Eating Peace online, you’re in for life.

In other words, when you sign up, in the current version, you’ll have access to future updates and future versions of the program for as long as I’m offering Eating Peace.

I know everyone has their own timeline and path. Some people break the chain of suffering for years, then maybe relapse, and then reach a final resting point of peace and understanding with food and eating where they never go back.

Some people struggle for years and years with diets and resignation and maybe yo-yo weight gain and loss, then finally learn these principles instead of giving up, and they shift their relationship to eating, forever.

Most people are somewhere in between, and I want you to have all you need at different phases of your journey to peace, right when you need it, if I can be of service.

Therefore, wherever you are, if you’re an Eating Peace Online alumni, you can join us and take it again….no extra fee, for life.

Bottom line, I want people to feel good about eating, good about their lives, and connected to the greater universe so that they can bring their unique gift to this world and not get bogged down with eating problems.

Click here to watch the video to learn these seven foundations to Eating Peace. I’d love to hear how they work for you, where you’d like to develop one of them more, and any questions you have:

Lots of peace,

Grace

P.S. You can still register here today. And after this post, you can write me at grace@workwithgrace.com for information about future programs and when you can participate next time.

full one-time payment

1st payment for 3-payment plan (now, 3/22 & 4/22)

Much love,

Grace

February 12, 2015

Stress: A Built-In Friendly Alarm Clock To Awakening

Have you heard my new little podcast episodes (only 4-6 minutes each) Peace Talk on itunes….this week its on LOVE and when it goes wrong. Subscribe and submit a review!

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Yowser, I am very excited today.

Have you ever been super nervous crazy excited about something about to happen, and you LIKE the thing about to happen, but it’s almost too exciting?

This may sound a little low-key to you (I am the one jumping up and down)….

….but I have a new Eating Peace online class opening up for registration on Saturday morning….

….and the very same day, I’m leaving to go away with my sweetheart for two nights to a surprise destination (husband made the reservations)!

Valentine’s Day!!!

Here’s the funniest thing.

When I was getting married (to current husband–2nd marriage) only 2-1/2 years ago, my skin on my hands started getting flakey in the few weeks before.

Then they started pealing.

Like a strange sort of eczema only on my hands. I kept putting lotion all over them, I made sure not to drink any caffeine or anything dehydrating, and was kinda wondering what was going on.

Summer shedding of skin?

Then my mom caught a glimpse of them and said, “oh, your getting your stress reaction you’ve always gotten since you were young, remember?”

Oh!

Weird. I completely forgot.

THIS HAS HAPPENED BEFORE.

How incredibly odd to forget such a thing. The mind is very good at blanking out.

And I’m pretty interested in conscious awareness of myself and all my actions!

This reminded me that energy racing through the body has its own way, and the mind is not always aware (your mind might like to

think it is…..but, not so much).

For me, a very, very introverted person by nature, having all the attention of a wedding was pretty wild. Awesome, but wild.

Same with this coming weekend with a course and a surprise vacation happening.

But as I sit here right now, writing….

….who would I be without the belief that something around the corner, where I’ll have attention directed towards me and I’ll need to respond and stay engaged….is stressful?

Who would I be without the belief that the energy I feel inside is stressy?

What if it was gentle, calm, being connected with others, answering peoples’ questions, responding to emails and registrations, driving off to spend time with my best friend and husband, enjoying close conversation, relaxing and feeling anticipation all at the same time?

Gosh. I don’t know if I can feel truly relaxed in this situation.

But what would it be like without THAT thought?

Ahhhhh.

Suddenly I get it.

I could let my whole body get floppy. My shoulders drop, I stretch my legs out while writing here, with my laptop on my thighs.

I take a very deep, long breath.

Tick, tock, slow, down.

Right now is now. Empty room. Space, quiet.

Even tomorrow, and the next day, when activity is happening and computers, emails, packing, driving, busy-ness are all occurring….

….there is still quiet space.

“That’s the purpose of stress. It’s a friend. It’s an alarm clock, built in to let you know that it’s time to do The Work. You’ve simply lost the awareness that you’re free. So you investigate, and you return to what you are. This is what’s waiting to be recognized, what is always real.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

February 3, 2015

Do You Think You’re Supposed To Be Loving & Patient ALL The Time?

Eating Peace Online starts on February 22nd. This is my baby, born after years of study, healing, and training. I am now in service as a light worker to others who need help changing their relationship with eating, forever.

How to Be a Happy Parent starts Monday, February 23rd. Head over to my website to learn more or hit reply if you have questions. A cool bunch of moms are signing up–dads are welcome too!

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Speaking of kids.

Last week my new podcast Peace Talk turned out to be about kids, or really, taking care of people…

…and what a hassle that can be! Jeez!

When I first began doing The Work, I investigated my thoughts on just about everybody else before my kids.

They were quite young when I found The Work.

I was so in love with them! I almost had a weird reaction to being a mom I hadn’t anticipated, which was “why didn’t someone tell me this would be so fantastic, ecstatic, and wondrous!?”

Of all the choices I had for careers, work, or creative projects….

….this was the BEST EVER.

I gave birth at home, it was pretty easy, I had super relaxed pregnancies. For once, something appeared to come very naturally to me. Being a mom.

And then.

One day we’re driving to the store, my two kids in car seats in the back seat.

Suddenly, a piercing scream and the youngest is grabbing her brother’s shirt and pulling, and he’s shouting at her to stop.

Something is thrown and it jets past my ear and I hear it hit the front windshield.

Nothing breaks, it was just a plastic apple from the doll house kitchen.

But I was SOOOOOOO MAD!

I screamed at the top of MY lungs shouting “STOP! NOW!” and it felt like my head would explode and fire was coming out of my ears.

My throat actually hurt afterwards.

What the ?

I couldn’t believe how big that scream was.

What was wrong with me? Was my patience faltering? Was I worse than I ever imagined when it comes to maturity and kindness when parenting? Was I a complete whack-job? Would I turn out to be Mommie-Dearest and screw up my kids?

Self-hate, self-hate, self-hate.

I would try hard never to have these kinds of “losing it” moments.

Ever.

Well….in case you haven’t noticed…

…”trying hard” doesn’t exactly work as a solution to a difficult situation or a big feeling.

I needed to explore that moment very, very, very slowly….and do The Work.

It begins with writing a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet of course, getting all the thoughts, beliefs and concerns on paper, so you can see what it is you were feeling and thinking.

What I love about The Work is that you can let out all the ridiculous, completely babyish judgments and just let ’em rip on paper.

Even about your kids.

The ones who don’t deserve your criticism, because they aren’t conditioned yet, they aren’t evil bad people, they’re being little humans.

Yes, even those innocent children you get to judge, and take your judgments to inquiry.

What a relief!

You can start with kids, or if you don’t have any children who are driving you nuts, focus on someone else who makes you cray-cray.

They should quit bickering, she shouldn’t grab, he shouldn’t bite, they should go to bed, I need them to be quiet.

And don’t go flipping your concepts into turnarounds on yourself and aim it back at you, like you’re shooting a criticism gun at your own head—no—instead, notice what is revealed to you, watch what’s disturbing you really, see what your feelings are about, and relax.

When you get to the turnarounds, you might discover new ideas about how to be with your kids (or those other annoying people) in ways that make you laugh out loud, instead of screaming.

Your love for them may pour through, without you even trying.

“Who would you be without the belief that you’re supposed to love your children right now? You’d be free to love them or not, and to be a very good parent, whatever you’re feeling right now….Inquiry sets us free of trying to be anything we’re not.” ~ Byron Katie

Love,

Grace

P.S. everyone who signs up for the parenting class will receive a little book as a gift called “Byron Katie on Parents and Children”. I’ll mail it to you myself.

February 2, 2015

Want A Do-Over In A Love Relationship?

Have you ever wanted a do-over when it comes to a relationship?

Lately I’ve done The Work with many people who have romantic partner troubles.

She left, he left, I need her, he’s gone, she shouldn’t have had other partners before me, he shouldn’t have found someone else so fast, she shouldn’t have kids with another man, I’ve been hurt, abandoned, I’ve lost the other person.

Woah, it’s a long and sad tale…..for many people, for centuries.

The funny thing is, it can even hurt when you know these thoughts aren’t actually true.

When my 16 year marriage was ending, I was shocked at the level of grief, rage and fear that sometimes surfaced.

As I did The Work carefully, investigating all my inner worries…

…I discovered that I used this experience to prove there was something wrong with me, that I had missed something, made a mistake, that I had become worthy of being left.

Ow. No wonder it hurt.

The ego-centered mind just LOVES to wind up being a victim and lash out at the world…it really gets off on it.

As I began to date people (I love close, intimate relationships, so this felt really natural) I had a brand new experience I hadn’t really been aware of before.

I twisted myself up like a pretzel trying to be pleasing!

Never again did I want anyone to decide to leave me, or even entertain the idea.

Trouble is, when you try to be sooooo easy-going, so perfect, so nice, so pleasant to be around…

…you can practically make yourself sick, literally, with the falseness of it all.

It’s so fake!

(I felt anxious, vulnerable and awful during that prezel-bending time–which just happens to be when I got a cancerous tumor on my leg).

Who would you be without the belief you need to figure out what someone else wants, and do that, in order not to be rejected or win their approval?

Who would you be without the belief that it’s possible to even be rejected or abandoned or approved of, at all?

Seriously.

What if someone breaking up with you was the same as them saying “bye honey, I’m leaving for work”!

You don’t freak out when that happens, right?

You consider it NORMAL.

It would be weird if they DIDN’T ever leave!!

What if you turned these thoughts around about yourself, or your need to please or protect yourself?

He set me free, she considered me strong and independent enough to handle it, I don’t need anyone (in a good way), she should have had every single partner and all they taught her, he should have found someone else very fast to free me up, so grateful she had kids with another man, I’ve been healed, I’ve been found, I am worthy of being set free, this was a repair (not a mistake), there is something right with me.

Woohoo!

Allow yourself to feel this, not just catch it mentally in your mind.

The joy is immense. There is no need for creating barriers or shields between yourself and others, or over-pleasing.

All you do is let yourself be right here, present, loving everyone around including yourself in this amazing moment.

And watch what happens.

Here’s an example of the total goofiness in trying to carefully calculate what might please someone else….from one of my favorite movies ever….

….Groundhogs Day….

….which is TODAY!!

Laugh and be free! You get a do-over!!

Love, Grace

January 25, 2015

Three things to consider if The Work isn’t working

What if The Work isn't working? — What if The Work isn’t working?

Several people have written to ask me lately….

….what do I do if The Work isn’t really working?

They’ve explained that they’ve done The Work over and over again on the same person, or they feel continually depressed, or they’ve got a terrible addiction like eating or drinking or smoking, or they hate their situation-job, spouse, marriage, home, kids, finances, spiritual.

They’ve done The Work, many times even, and have No Results.

“What do I do now?” they ask.

If you’re someone who’s had this despairing question…

…I don’t know what exactly is happening, but I can tell you what’s been true in my experience when I’ve had this question myself.

It’s one of THREE possibilities, every time, when I have the same belief or troubling experience repeat itself again in my life.

1) Even though I say or “think” I’ve been doing The Work, I haven’t been….not really.

It’s been more like I’ve been finding turnarounds in my head while driving my car, or I’ve been wondering for a few minutes who I would be without my stressful belief and coming up with a blank, or I’ve started worksheets and never finished them.

I really haven’t started from zero, filled a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet out very, very slowly and with care and contemplation to get the best thoughts down on paper, and then gone through each thought one by one.

It’s sooooooo hard!

Isn’t there a shortcut or something?

Um. Not really.

The Work IS the shortest shortcut.

2) I’ve had a really sneaky, deep, and desperate underlying motive.

Like I’m clawing for solid ground, I just want a fear-free answer, a place of peace NOW!!

This means, when you start doing The Work you might have a “plan” on where you’ll end up (blissful) or what will happen (magic, joy, happiness) after you question your thinking.

You are refusing to tolerate the depth of despair, depression or loss.

You’re against suffering….

….so you can’t allow yourself to see something True for you, because you believe it hurts (you forgot you could do The Work on THAT pain as well).

You try to use The Work to bypass the pain, and get to the good part ASAP.

It’s so normal to try to feel better, but if you’re trying to whistle in the dark, there will be a fake feeling….

….even just a teensy bit of a fake feeling….

….and you won’t fall to your knees, with the Truth rising above all else.

(As I said, that’s the way its been for me-if it works for you to try to be positive like saying affirmations or eliminating your “negative” thoughts, then go for it!)

3) Lastly, something or someone is repeatedly bugging me or triggering sorrow because I haven’t gotten to the very root core of my inquiry (yet).

I thought I was “done” with that.

But no.

Sorry, Charlie.

You just lost, again. You were just betrayed, again. You were just criticized, again. You were ambushed, again. You were conned, again. You shouldn’t have trusted, again. You should have trusted, again. You shouldn’t have loved, again. You missed out, again. You got scared, again.

Sigh.

Be very, very gentle with yourself.

How do you know you’re supposed to be right in the middle of what you’re feeling, thinking, hearing, seeing, doing, or experiencing?

You are.

A brief story:

After two years of doing The Work myself, very intently after it was introduced into my life, this very question rose up for me one day in a really deep look at someone I was so pissed off at, I could hardly see straight.

“This guy was such a jerk!” I thought.

Arrrrrrgggghhhhh!

I HATED him. I hated myself for trying to be friends with him, and going back for more interactions.

I hated myself for hating him.

Surely, I wasn’t seeing something?

My mind must be twisted and ridiculous. There must be something wrong with me. I needed to do The Work MORE on this guy, I was so disturbed in his presence.

I raised my hand at an event with Byron Katie and asked “I’m doing The Work many times on this one person I find so disturbing, and I’m still furious!”

Katie replied, “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”

Oh.

Wow.

I’ve been working this whole time with an underlying motive that I should be “loving what is” about everyone at all times, including this obnoxious screwed up mentally ill person.

Almost immediately, my objection to this person and his words and behaviors, completely shifted.

That was THE WAY HE WAS. The way of it.

I was not in control of this situation. I was not the ruler of the universe, including all the self-criticism I had of ME for feeling HATE.

This would not change, just like the weather.

I could rage and scream at myself (and him) and the storm clouds, and have a hissy fit every time it rained…

…or I could calm down, and take good care of myself, and pursue what I really wanted.

I was free.

I was suddenly no longer angry.

I was simply clear that I really didn’t want to interact with him in the way I had, and I was instantly so very grateful for everything he had ever said and done.

I understood.

That was the last time I ever did The Work on that person, and every time I think of him, I really do now smile-I had some of the most amazing learning experiences of my life in the presence of that person.

“In The Way, nothing is personal. You are merely an instrument in the hands of the forces, participating in the harmony of balance. You must reach the point where your whole interest lies in the balance and not in any personal preference for how things should be. It’s that way with all of life. The more you can work with the balance, the more you can just sail through life. Effortless action is what happens when you come into the Tao. Life happens, you’re there, but you don’t make it happen. There is no burden, there is no stress. The forces take care of themselves as you sit in the center. That is the Tao. It’s the most beautiful place in all of life. You can’t touch it, but you can be at one with it.” ~ Michael Singer

Love, Grace