Everyone in the Institute for The Work: I’m about to teach Basics, a 5 week pre-requisite for telecourses at the Institute. Enroll quick, we begin on Monday at 4 pm PT. Sign up here.
And if you’re not in the Institute for The Work (training to be Certified Facilitator)…..FEAR NOT!
I’ll be offering a two hour course online soon, on filling out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, which is really what this Basics class is all about.
Isn’t this amazing that five whole weeks, 90 minutes each class, is dedicated to deeply learning how to fill out a JYN? It’s only the first, primary step of The Work, but as a first step, it’s so important.
Filling out the JYN is the way you identify your stressful thoughts.
Sometimes, you feel disturbed and awkward filling it out. It’s asking a lot. It’s asking you to be absolutely fundamentally honest about what mean, critical, angry, frightened or sad thoughts you had about a situation in your life.
We’re usually taught to do the very opposite!
I was told Not to say what I was really thinking, to hide my rude comments or judgments, to keep them to myself. When I heard things said about me that sounded judgmental, I was hurt and troubled.
This hurt feeling PROVED you should keep critical or judgey thoughts to yourself. They make people feel bad. Who wants to know what you’re thinking? Not me! I won’t tell you what I really think, either, and we’ll all be happy!
But. Suppressing and hiding thoughts don’t make them go away, unfortunately.
In fact, they often make them fester and grow. They turn into resentments, desperation, and addictive behavior.
So getting your judgements out onto paper, in writing, is a magnificent even if quite scary thing.
But it’s sooooo worth it. Because once you have everything written out in the open, you’ve got some amazing concepts to work with and take through this profound process called The Work.
There’s nothing like writing it down, slowing it down, going through each step one-by-one….not doing The Work in your head or trying to find shortcuts.
So today, if you’re concerned, anxious, furious or hurt by anyone in your life….first step?
Fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet and DON’T HOLD BACK. Be blunt, direct, say it like it really is on the inside of your head. Be childish, petty, ridiculous, nasty, vicious. Dump it out. Download it through your pen onto paper.
Be real.
You will NOT get stuck there with a fuming, exploding JYN on your hands, because the next steps are to answer four questions and find turnarounds on each and every concept you write down.
Which leads to insights, ah-ha’s, awareness, possibility, freedom, clarity, rest, peace, neutrality, a lighter experience of something that seemed so very serious:
Imagining who you’d be without this story.
Heaven on earth.
“Through The Work we finally have permission to let those judgments speak out, or even scream out, on paper. We may find that even the most unpleasant thoughts can be met with unconditional love….If you begin by pointing the finger of blame outward, then the focus isn’t on you. You can just let loose and be uncensored. You are the storyteller, the projector of all stories, and the world is the projected image of your thoughts.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
It all sounds lovely, but it sure does often bring up angst, anger, frustration, grief, disappointment, rage and fear. Just a few stressful feelings!
Recently two different inquirers did The Work on opposite sides of the same coin. Both of these lovely inquirers felt unhappy and unresolved when it came to a romantic relationship they cared about.
One side of the coin: Say yes to what your partner wants. Be agreeable. If your partner asks you for something or begs you to stay….you stay. And you feel massively stuck and frustrated.
Other side of the coin: Shut that partner down. Ditch them. Leave them in the dust. Say no to what they want. And feel massively sorry, guilty and worried.
Neither option feels good, and maybe not even right.
So how do you work with this dratted “relationship” coin that has two options, and neither option feels relaxed or loving or peaceful?
The thing that will bring the most relief, and clarity?
The Work.
Situation one: You say yes. You feel compliant and like you’ve made your partner happy. But you lied, because you meant No.
What would be the worst that could happen in this situation, if you had said “no”? See the worst image (maybe it already happened in the past) and write a worksheet on that situation.
In the case of the inquirer I was facilitating, her fears were that her partner would freak out, demand long conversations, beg, manipulate, cajole, stalk.That dreadful thought….I have no choice. I have to say yes, otherwise, horror.
And what about the other situation number two: She said no, and felt furious.
What’s the worst that could happen, if she had said “yes”? She would have felt disrespected. She felt her boundaries were violated. He wasn’t safe, because he pushed. He asked too much.
Many of us have experienced BOTH of these scenarios, and felt distraught about it.
But who would we be without the stories that we might wind up somewhere dangerous, if we said yes or said no?
Wait….WHAT???!!!
I thought saying yes = avoiding pain, sorrow, guilt, conflict.
I thought saying no = keeping safe, not giving in, maintaining clear boundaries.
In relationship and romance stories, we have many ideas about what yes or no mean about love. If you care about me, you’ll say YES. If you say NO, you don’t care.
Uh, hmmmm, is that actually true?
How do you react when you think someone’s request…and your answer….means you’re loved, or not, or they’re loved, or not?
It’s easy to see with parent-child relationships. If my kids were super upset or sad about not getting something in the past before I had The Work, I’d feel torment inside, and maybe change my mind about my NO.
Thank God for The Work entering my life when they were quite young. I started saying NO and YES with so much more clarity, and it had nothing to do with whether I loved them or not–and we all knew it.
Who would you be without the belief you have to be careful with your YES, careful with your NO….and that these answers within have anything to do with love?
WOWSER!
You mean….I can simply feel what’s right for me, and either stay or go, in any situation, in any moment, with any request?
Yes.
Even if a person is saying they’ll DIE without you by their side, you can love them so much, and say “no” to their request.
Even if a person is saying you HAVE TO do it their way and you won’t or can’t, you can love them so much while saying “no” to their request.
Turning this around: I will NOT wind up somewhere dangerous, if I say YES, or if I say NO.
Could this be just as true, or truer, that I’m free to speak what feels most deeply honest in the moment, with any request set before me?
“I don’t walk around being careful about what I say. I stop for myself. I am responsible for my own heaven or hell. On the other hand, if you ask me point-blank for the truth, then I’m going to tell you. I want to give you everything I see, if you ask. The way you hear my answer is what determines whether it hurts you or helps you. So every person is responsible for himself, in the giving and receiving. I could say the most loving thing, and someone’s feelings could be hurt. The story they tell about what they think I said is how they hurt their own feelings. Nothing else is possible. If I ask you a question point-blank and you dance around it, thinking your truth will hurt me, then you’re not honoring yourself or me. To not answer honestly could leave you feeling incomplete. Can you really know that you can hurt or disappoint another person with your words?” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love–Is That True?
Phew, it’s almost inconceivable.
I thought people’s words, and my words, could hurt and disappoint like crazy.
But I realize, that’s only when I think my words, my YES or my NO, have something to do with inherently loving that other person, or feeling love for myself.
The love is here, however, no matter what. Yes or No are just honest answers, matching an inner sense of truth in the moment. They even sometimes change and a YES becomes a NO, or vice versa.
Love doesn’t change. It doesn’t need someone to stay, or leave. It doesn’t need something to change, or stay the same.
I don’t need to say yes (or no) to love either that other person, or myself.
Love is here now. And now.
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation [or relationship] but your thoughts about it.” ~ Eckhart Tolle
So let’s question our unhappy thoughts.
Fill out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on the worst situation you ever had with that person when they didn’t like your answer, or you didn’t like theirs.
Take the thoughts through the four questions.
Now that’s something to say YES to.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. three commuter spots available for Spring Cleaning Retreat. Stay nearby in your own cozy AirBnB or hotel room, or commute from your home. May 11-14. Let’s do The Work.
Two quick announcements for this wonderful welcoming spring weekend:
1) East West Bookstore The Work with Grace on Body, Eating, Compulsion 6407 – 12th Avenue NE in Seattle, Washington on Saturday 3-6 pm March 18 (that’s tomorrow) for only $25! Come learn the three biggest underlying beliefs people have that keep them battling with food, eating or their body image and weight….and how to address these very deep beliefs with The Work of Byron Katie.
Anyone is welcome who is interested in addressing mindset, thought, awareness and the psychology of eating or compulsion. This work will actually apply to anyone battling an addictive process, including other substances or behaviors. We’ll be going into the root of the compulsive experience, so please join if you’re curious about freedom from obsessive thinking that leads to compulsion of any kind.
What we will NOT be covering is diet, fitness, nutrition or exercise. This is working from the inside out.
Everyone will get to identify where they sabotage their own desires, efforts and “goals” for eating peacefully, and see what’s really happening in those moments that prevent eating peace.
You’ll then get to do The Work, questioning your negative or stressful beliefs, that lead you to move with confusion or frustration around eating or weight. Everyone will leave with the next steps, so you’ll know how to keep questioning and relaxing your thoughts in your daily life.
Beginners are welcome, but it’s great if you know what The Work of Byron Katie is, so look it up on youtube or at www.thework.com and it really helps to read the Little Book (condensed version of Loving What Is, the manual for doing The Work) by Byron Katie.
2) Living Turnarounds Private Group. Sunday, March 19th we’ll be meeting again from 3-6 pm. This group is limited to 8 participants and everyone should be familiar with The Work to at least an Advanced Beginner level. We get to deep dive into one powerful worksheet on a situation in our lives we want to learn from, take it to inquiry, and share in insights with others.
Always a profound opportunity to share, connect, hear from others, and collaborate in understanding how to take our personal work to out into our lives. We spend some beautiful time considering how we’ll live our turnarounds, if we need to make amends (including to ourselves) and understanding how we want to really feel in our bodies, in our lives, in our relationship in the one area we “work” for this mini-retreat.
Living Turnarounds Group meets at Goldilocks Cottage (Grace’s home) in northeast Seattle ($65). Please send a note to grace@workwithgrace.com if you’ve never attended before and would like to join us. Room for 3 more people this month.
If you live far away or can’t attend this in-person workshop, I’ve had lots of requests for an online mini-retreat in Eating Peace. These are generally a modest fee, and 3 hours online (audio only). If you’ve never done something online for 3 hours….you’ll probably be amazed at how the time flies. You can set it up for yourself from your own home and create uninterrupted time for yourself.
I’m taking a poll for your favorite option. Head HERE if you’d like to vote.
One of the biggest, grandest, big-behemoth stressful thoughts that lead to stressful eating?
I NEED TO LOSE WEIGHT!!!!
This can be a constant thought, returning every time you gain weight or are at your “highest” weight or on the upside of the roller coaster ride, or when you see yourself in the mirror randomly and you normally don’t even think this thought.
It’s very stressful.
The thing is, we think we NEED this thought in order to be inspired or motivated to be thin. We think we have to be aggressive and intense with our minds.
How could we possibly give up this thought? How could we give up the thought we need to fix something, anything…whether weight or some kind of behavior around health and the body. I need to exercise, I need to eat healthy, I need to read every label, I need to do it right, I absolutely must appear “thin”.
It’s true! It’s true!
But what if you allowed that thought to settle down a moment and you didn’t have it?
What many people find, is a little more to look at.
Wow…what if I gave this up? Then what? I notice I still want to be more balanced, more peaceful with eating and food and this body.
What if it’s my thinking that needs to lose weight….especially about this whole weight loss thing?
If I had taken weight loss and thinness less seriously when I was 8 years old (the first time I was alarmed that I might be too fat) I might not have even moved in the direction I moved.
I may not have even developed an eating disorder or a yo-yo eating plan, or starvation vs stuffed. Although, I am now incredibly and deeply grateful for having that disorder because it was so extreme, it brought me to my knees which ultimately was an incredible give of letting go of control.
What a painful story it is to need to lose weight….but if you find yourself thinking it, you might begin to wonder why you have it so strongly?
What would you have, if you had this lower weight? What would it give you? What is your identity saying is required, for happiness?
If you were given the choice to have peaceful, simple, beautiful, loving eating for the rest of your life….with zero weight loss….would you take it?
If you say “no” then you might want to dig a little deeper into why you believe you need to keep this suffering. Just saying.
You have to, must, ought to, should. Who would you be without this violent story?
Well for some reason beyond me a new Peace Talk podcast has just emerged. Peace Talk is a short (10ish mins) podcast on inquiry, and the joy of questioning pain and suffering.
The thought I’m sharing, so very worth questioning?
I HAVE TO…(work, be nice, give, say yes, leave, stay, lose weight)!!
Such a difficult belief!
People think this all the time and it fills them with dread, anxiety, fury, even rage.
I have to go to my stupid job, I have to lose weight, I have to quit smoking, I have to clean this mess, I have to figure out my relationship status, I have to go away, I have to take care of him, I have to find my keys.
Is it actually true, that you have to do this in order to be happy?
Yesterday in Year of Inquiry we were looking closely. One of our group members was answering the four questions (although everyone is always doing The Work right alongside whoever’s talking, it’s a shared group call in inquiry).
Her feeling was that she HAD to lose weight and get to the weight she has in her mind that she knows will make her happy. She was happy once before at that weight.
You might have this about something else having to do with the body. If only I looked younger, didn’t have this illness, didn’t have this injury.
Or what about working? I used to think non-stop about career, job and money that the only way to make it happen was to suffer and get to the office every day. No creativity, no power, no contribution…just do what they say.
You have to.
But are you sure?
Do you really absolutely have to, to achieve happiness? Are you being forced? Are you like a prisoner, trapped in this dynamic?
No.
How do you react when you think you HAVE TO?
I resent. I fume. I feel I will need to sacrifice in order to get happiness. I can’t be relaxed, peaceful, clear and totally free. Freedom is nowhere in sight. I’m stuck.
Who would you be if you really did not have this thought?
This is an incredible thought to question. What if you never thought “I have to…..” with any stress, concern, anxiety, or resentment?
I notice I don’t ever have the thought “I have to breathe” during any day. Yet I do have to, in order to stay alive. But I’m not concerned.
Only if I feel a threat to getting air and breathing would I ever have the idea that I HAVE TO breathe (and I could question that).
So it feels to me like this have-to thought enters the mind when there’s concern for survival. I am threatened in some way, so I think I have to do something, because otherwise….no safety. I’ll lose something, I’ll suffer, I’ll hurt, I’ll die.
But what if we really didn’t have the thought in a backdrop of needing to survive, or be protected or safe?
What if it wasn’t a HAVE TO like someone yelling at you in an emergency?
I look around in this moment, listening, feeling this room, feeling the life force living me. No need to do anything, even though I am noticing the clock and realize I will leave in a car soon to go dance. I don’t have to, though.
I notice with my body, I don’t have to eat the “correct” way OR eat an off-balance way. I don’t have to smoke, or ingest something. I don’t have to get up out of the chair.
I can wait.
I can take the easy way, the way where “I” do not have to do anything all by myself but instead the universe/reality and I are together in this deal.
‘I have to go to the bathroom’ is not a stressful thought if I’m happy about where this bathroom thing might lead. Do I ask someone where the bathrooms are? Will I walk several blocks to find a bathroom? Will I feel the sensation of bladder filling up and follow the simple directions?
What if going to work, losing weight, responding to someone’s request, being free is a matter of following the simple directions? No making this so stressful and complicated, or feeling like a victim in the middle of a huge oppressive world?
I do not HAVE TO.
My thinking “has to”….work, lose weight, stop smoking, leave, stay (fill in the blank of the thing you believe you have to do).
“If it hurts, it’s your thinking that’s hurting you. Nothing else is possible. In my experience, there’s no exception to this. I am responsible for my own freedom, totally.” ~ Byron Katie
Those thoughts you’re thinking? Not good enough! (But is it true?)
This month my world is full of inquiry about body, diseases, conditions, ailments.
Year of Inquiry is looking at body, Eating Peace Process is looking at body.
And yesterday morning, a powerful stressful worksheet appeared. On the mind itself.
We’ve all probably had those kinds of thoughts about the mind itself. It’s not to be trusted, it’s over-thinking, it’s freaking out, it should stop believing.
The thought brought forward for inquiry?
“My mind is sabotaging what I want.”
Suddenly I remembered working with someone a long time ago who made an appointment to do The Work because she wasn’t doing the law of attraction right. She thoughts was supposed to be thinking positively at all times, apparently, and feeling peaceful or excited despite not having such peaceful thoughts. She felt she was failing at getting what she wanted, because of her own brain.
This is a truly amazing story to question. I’ve been there myself.
If I just question my thinking enough….I’ll get somewhere different.
Now, it’s weird, because you WILL probably get somewhere different, at least I’ve found this to be deeply true, and yet “trying” to get somewhere different can be exceptionally stressful–and it means, inherently, that here, now, is NOT the place to be.
So let’s question this powerful and subtle little idea that this mind is screwing things up, and making it so you aren’t happy, you aren’t getting what you want, and your life isn’t as good as it could be.
Is it true?
Well….yeah! Right? I’ve heard Katie and other thought leaders say that all problems are in the mind. So this brain is a problem! It should be different!!
Are you sure? Can you absolutely know this to be true?
Wow. No.
Apparently thinking happens, and it’s sometimes stressful, and sometimes exciting. It doesn’t appear to go away just because we tell it to.
Thinking happens, I notice. Stressful thinking.
I really can’t know it’s true it should be otherwise.
How do you react when you believe your mind isn’t working well enough, or you can’t achieve what you want because of YOUR thinking, or abilities to work with thought?
Frustrated! Depressed!
The woman who did The Work with me on everything that was wrong with her mind and her thoughts was disappointed when she believed her mind should be different. She felt hopeless, unhappy, not as happy as those other people with better minds
This thought, about thought, is a tricky little thought, isn’t it?
But who would you be without this belief, or this assessment, that the mind is screwing things up, sabotaging what you want, making it so you’re unsuccessful?
LOL!
I’d look around this present moment, little twinkling lantern lights out through the window, and experience the flash of no mind for a second. Not Knowing. Not necessary to know.
I’d watch those wild thoughts careening around, swinging in the wind, giving orders and suggestions and having images and ideas….
….and not take the whole condition seriously.
Or, there goes the mind again, taking another lap.
Woman on couch with a thinking brain with activity happening in it, not being against “thought”.
What if All This is not up to me?
What if fixing, contorting, changing, updating, improving the mind is not possible as a project? What if this mind is somehow the way it is, and there’s nothing I can actually do about it?
(And, I notice I can question the thoughts it produces).
Kind of amazing, right?
Turning the thought around: my mind is NOT sabotaging what I want. What I want is what’s happening. What I want is here, now….not in the future, later (which I’m aware does not yet exist).
Could this be just as true, or truer?
So exciting to think there’s nothing missing, and no enemy sabotaging me, and nothing dangerous about my mind.
How is this true?
Why, I’m alive now at this perfect moment able to look around, breathe, see, take in this environment. What if nothing was wrong?
What if this mind was just right, doing a brilliant job at inventing, imagining, believing, questioning….and it’s not ultimately up to “me” (whatever “me” is)?
“Mediocrity, that’s the place to be. Balance. There’s something wrong? There’s something right! But the ego is in opposition to that everything-is-right nature. It gets very invested.” ~ Byron Katie in Being With Byron Katie Ojai Feb 2017
It’s perfect to be this way, brain that gets set off. And who knows if the mind has anything to do with getting what’s wanted, or not.
But I do know, when I question my thinking, right now is pretty dang good. Nice that I get to notice that reality, including my “mind”, is doing a fabulous job being itself.
Could that other person be so upsetting…because a part of you is just like them? Are you sure they aren’t spiritual?
The other day, while driving along in silence, I suddenly remembered an old conversation with an acquaintance.
Funny how that happens sometimes in your car, or perhaps when you’re somehow required to wait or on the road traveling and getting the body from Point A to Point B. Your mind gets to wander and travel a little, too. You have free-floating memories and images ticker-tape by.
This old friend had said, in response to a conversation about being on a journey of awakening “I’ve been at this a long time.” He implied he knows a LOT. He sounded like he thought of himself as further along than other folks asking questions in satsang (group gatherings in meditation practice with a teacher). He didn’t really need to be there, he said, it was just amusing to him to get new material from the words the teacher used.
As I recalled the conversation, the thought went through my head “what a big ego that guy had!”
Have you ever thought someone had a big fat ego?
Let’s do The Work today on someone you’ve known, ever in your life (yes, THAT person) who was so full of themselves, thought they were such a genius at some topic.
Maybe a boss, or a leader you encountered. Perhaps a family member. I remember students sharing this thought about certain professors. I’ve heard this quite a bit from people in the political scene lately. Ahem.
In my case of remembering, how funny that I could find someone was an egotistical know-it-all on Spiritual Enlightenment.
Hmmm, now that I think about it, I’ve had this exact same thought on more than one person.
Interesting. Because when I discover I’ve judged more than one person for the same type of displeasing quality (according to me) then I know I definitely need to do The Work.
And ONE person with a disturbing quality is enough.
So let’s go.
He is such an egomaniac. He thinks he’s so ultra-spiritual. He should have some humility, instead of thinking he’s better than others. Jeez! He should quit advising people on spiritual or mental-health related topics. He doesn’t know what he’s talking about. What a loser.
Yes, my thoughts running through were that mean.
And no, don’t start turning it around immediately to yourself and thinking you know where this is going. That’s such a good ploy for the mind to use to get you off track. It’s not The Work.
We need to break it down, slowly.
(Even slower than this Grace Note. To really dig into this thought that someone else is too full of themselves, you’d do The Work thoroughly one thought at a time!)
So, is it true they’re over-the-top big ego, when it comes to this topic (in my case, spiritual awareness)?
Yes!
I mean, look at him. He used to be a drug addict. Now, he’s all Mr. Peaceful trying to start a business as a spiritual advisor. Seriously?? He doesn’t listen to anyone (including me)….He’s way too needy. He acts like a jerk, he….
Um, just a sec. When you start justifying, explaining, pointing things out, telling stories about this person, you aren’t actually answering the question. The question is: “Is it true, what you believe about this person and their ego?”
Sigh.
No.
I don’t even know him very well.
Even if you say “yes” to this question, notice, and keep going.
Next question: How do you react when you think this is true about this person, that they’re an egomaniac?
Terrified! Angry! Enraged! Planning how to avoid them, or hoping something happens to them to take them down a notch. Yikes. it’s mean, vengeful, victim-y. I’m definitely disgusted, and At War with this person and their apparent “ego” and their words and mannerisms. I complain about them in my head, or talk about them to other people.
So who would you be without this very stressful story? Seriously, what if you couldn’t even have the thought that this person is a jerkish loser who has worthless advice for everyone and isn’t as smart or right as he says he is?
Huh.
Hold still and think about it for a minute.
This person, who you’ve raved about because they’ve got such a gigantic ego….what if you couldn’t have such thoughts about them? How would it feel?
More relaxed, for sure.
Suddenly, I’m aware at all the intense raging energy I put on that person. Like he’s soooo bad, it ruined my day. And how, without that energy and that feeling, my experience of him would be much kinder, less serious, more can-do, to be honest.
I see he’s just talking. He’s participating. He’s having a conversation. He’s saying what feels right to him in the moment. He’s very, very interested in this topic. He’s done a lot to get to the place he’s gotten.
Have I?
I don’t have to agree with him, but I can regard him without my thoughts of vicious judgment towards him. I can notice that here in my car, all is quiet, and quite spacious, and my life is not very impacted by this other guy’s commentary or activities.
But even if your life IS impacted by someone you think of as having a massively huge ego the size of Montana….what would it be like to be in their presence without thinking you’re in a war against them? Without the belief they’re SO WRONG you’re ready to have a fit like a Tazmanian Devil?
Wow, I’d be lighter. I’d feel more excited about taking true action. I might make a few phone calls.
Turning the thoughts around: He is NOT an egomaniac, he’s humble, maybe even insecure. He does NOT think he’s ultra-spiritual. He never said anything about being better than others. He should advise people on spiritual or mental-health related topics. He knows what he’s talking about. What a winner.
Hmmm. How could this be just as true, or truer?
Well, all he really said in that conversation long ago was that he couldn’t relate to most of the other people attending the retreat we were on. He actually said he’d like to go to another retreat, so he didn’t say he was no longer interested in this topic and had no need for outside information. He didn’t say he knew everything, or MORE than others. He never used those words.
He got completely clean from drugs (winner). He helped out his family when his mom got sick. He gave free labor to the mother of his kid when he couldn’t give her money. He’s slowly pulled himself back on his feet. He probably SHOULD advise people on mental health issues, especially those about addiction recovery.
Can you find evidence for this turnaround for the person you’re thinking of? This is a powerful exercise. Because….how would you really know all the details to be able to make a perfect, full, complete assessment of this person’s behavior? I sure didn’t at the time.
“Argue with reality, and you lose. But only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie
Turning the thought around again, all to myself (instead of this person I’m projecting all over): I am an egomaniac. I think I am ultra-spiritual. I should have some humility, instead of thinking I’m better than this guy, or better than myself. Jeez! I should quit advising people (including him) on spiritual or mental-health related topics. I don’t know what I’m talking about. What a loser.
Now, I know you’re aware these turnarounds to the self should be a kiss, not a slap. This is important! Otherwise, you start getting into a sort of negative egomania, which is just as troubling (maybe worse) than the positive egomania.
So what are some examples? How could this turnaround be true?
For one thing, in the moment I’m flashing about this man and his inadequacy, I’m getting worked up into a frenzy that’s neither necessary, or helpful. I’m in favor of non-violence. Including in my mind. And yet, seem to be thinking violently.
I could adopt a little humility. Here I am trying to be ultra-spiritual and all-accepting, acting nicey-nice when actually at the time, I might have had a more honest real conversation with the man, asking him questions, finding out about what makes him tick, being curious about what he meant when he said certain things.
And it’s completely true that I shouldn’t advise anyone on matters of spirituality or mental health. They can find their own answers. I especially shouldn’t advise this guy–why can I tell him to stop giving advice when it’s OK for me to give it to him?
I should stop advising myself, too, while I’m at it. I’ve always got ideas like “meditate for an extra hour!” or “go to India!” and thinking God is going to be louder or more present if I do MORE or go somewhere or add something, later. Not here, now.
Why not try a little openness, and acceptance, about this person in the world? What if I tried a little openness, acceptance and humility about myself?
Doesn’t that feel a little sweeter than gripping the steering wheel with fury as I drive and think “JERK!” about someone?
Yes.
“Some people think that silence is more spiritual than speech, that meditation or prayer brings you closer to God than watching television or taking out the garbage. That’s the story of separation. Silence is a beautiful thing, but it’s no more beautiful than the sound of people talking. I love it when thoughts pass through my mind, and I love it when there are no thoughts. Thoughts can’t be a problem for me, because I have questioned them and seen that no thought is true.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy pg. 180
That guy with the Big Mondo Ego? How is it just as beautiful as the next thing, like television, or taking out the garbage, or meditating or learning to love what is? What if I’m not really the authority–for myself most of all–on spirituality around here, and what people should or should not be doing, thinking, believing or saying around me?
They should be saying what they say.
And it’s sooooo good they said it, because I’m invited then to jump into the pool of love, all-of-life and spirituality in everything, and swim, too….rather than staring down from the high dive, full of anger and fear with arms folded across my chest.
Welcome to the end of separation.
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you have agonizing thoughts about anyone else in this world, (alive or dead) then your experience is perfect for The Work. You can do this during retreat for great benefit. Questioning your thoughts doesn’t mean you’ll become a tiny passive potato. You’ll probably be more clear, and more alive, whatever this may look like for you. Connected.
Seattle workshop: Eating Peace rare 3 hour mini-retreat on how to question your thinking, to change the way you eat (and think) at East West Books in Seattle, March 18th 3-6 pm only $25. Please pre-register here.
Speaking of the way we think….most people with compulsions and addictive behavior, or self-defeating mannerisms of any kind like overeating, binge-eating, body image criticism, or emotional eating…experience mean thinking towards themselves.
We’ve all got judgmental and harsh voices that comment about what we’re doing.
But when this voice gets really intense, like a dictator ordering you around in a concentration camp, then you’re at war.
It’s understandable. We often believe in violence. It even works a little bit. Violent behavior leads to something happening which forces change. But it’s not permanent, and there’s a ton of loss when there’s war.
The thing is, you don’t have to attack and hate yourself in order to elicit or bring change to your ways with food, eating and your body.
In fact, what I always found, is that it increased my binge-eating or weight gain, it fueled sadness and despair and a feeling of failure, and it made things worse in the long run.
People who stop believing in their violent thinking towards themselves no longer eat violently, or diet violently with deprivation and intense control.
Try letting go of this mean voice instead, by questioning if it’s really true, and turning it around!
Time to bask in the warming sun of self-inquiry? Tis the season of spring mental cleaning and summer change….with several in-person opportunities for reflection, unraveling stressful thinking in a clear step-by-step way (The Work of course) and living your turnarounds. Question your thinking, change your world.
Spring Cleaning Retreat Kenmore, WA (a few spots left, 26 CEUs for mental health professionals) May 11-14
Breitenbush Hotsprings Oregon (26 CEUs) An entirely off-line immersion (no cell phone, no internet) in pristine old-growth forest, fabulous organic vegetarian food, optional soaks in natural springs outside of retreat sessions. June 21-25
Being With Byron Katie Pacific Northwest heart of Seattle retreat house (Portage Bay) 4 days with Katie and Silence via streaming from Switzerland. A profound experience, commuters welcome, four private bedrooms at reduced fees for travelers who choose to add lodging. July 8-12
Putting on the boxing gloves, when it comes to that person’s behavior? Who would you be without your belief they should stop?
I’m so excited just thinking about all these in-person retreats, all quite different.
Almost jumping up and down actually.
There is simply nothing like catching that stressful, repetitive, honking thought, like a noise that won’t stop beeping, and looking at it with very open eyes. And listen to others doing the same, getting the support of the wisdom of the group.
One thought at a time.
The Work allows this to happen so beautifully. Rather than feel bad and start thinking and “brain-storming” (perfect word) about how to solve the problem in our lives, we get to actually wonder how we got the idea we have a genuine, or serious, problem?
The first step is identifying the problem.
It’s not so hard.
What are you thinking about the future, or the past, that’s troubling?
Oh My! But there are SO MANY PROBLEMS!
Where could I even begin? I mean….there’s my friend who betrayed me, my fierce boss, my boring job, my poor career choice, money being less than perfect, my relationship not going smoothly, my health, global warming, too much traffic, my parents’ personalities, my grandparents unhappiness, aging, kids, what’s in the news, the broken fridge, and by the way I haven’t become enlightened yet.
And this is just the beginning. I could go on. (LOL).
But entering only one situation, and sitting with it slowly, one thought at a time, is so magnificent. Can it really be that simple and easy? And narrowed down to only one?
Yes.
A few months ago I wrote a worksheet on an old relationship that when I thought about it, still felt sour and unfinished. It was sparked by running into the person serendipitously at a coffee shop.
(Brilliant universe, thanks for the awareness reminder)!
I’ve been looking at the thoughts, one thought at a time, and allowing them to percolate and dance and sink in very slowly. One thought for an entire week sometimes, noticing the belief trying to find a foothold.
I love going very slowly. Not letting a concept slip through the cracks unquestioned (unless it does, and then, knowing it will reappear when necessary).
The next thought on my worksheet: he should stop wanting more from me.
This doesn’t have to be in a romance or any kind of dating relationship, this could be a boss, a parent, anyone who asks more of you….ever. And you felt oppositional to the request or the feel of it.
WAIT! You might shout. If I don’t think this thought, I’ll HAVE TO put up with MORE from that person, right? I’ll have to say yes, do the job, accept the task.
But no, you can’t fast-forward to where this might be going, later. You have no idea, even with only 4 questions and finding turnarounds. This never means you will have to put up with anything, or do something you don’t like, or compromise, or escape, or Not Be Yourself in a natural way.
In fact, you’ll be more naturally you, after inquiry.
So let’s look together at this one I mentioned today. Find a moment in your life where someone, anyone, anything (it could even be a pet) asked more from you, and you had the thought they shouldn’t.
Picture the situation.
For me, I’m reading an email.
Is it true, they shouldn’t want more from you?
Yes! This is never-ending. What I give NEVER seems to be enough. They take, and they take, and they take and never give up and it’s always grab, grab, grab, ask, ask, ask for more. Arrrgh.
(Little dramatization for you).
The question is, however, can you be sure this thought is true that someone, anyone, anything, shouldn’t ask for so much?
Can you absolutely know what that person should or shouldn’t want? Are you in charge of their level of wanting over there? Who’s running the show here? YOU?
LOL.
Um, yeah. I can’t even for the tiniest bit that someone else, or something else, or anyone in this world should stop wanting more from me.
How do you react when you think he shouldn’t want more from you? She shouldn’t want more from you?
Angry! Quit being such a pest! Stop begging! Stop pushing me! I act like a dictator in my own mind about what needs to happen here! I attack that person in my mind, I give them advice without even saying it out loud. I say “this is one needy soul” and I cut them off. I look for a new job. I don’t answer their emails. I un-friend them.
I call them an addict. I’m disgusted. I feel very separate. And I sort of secretly feel guilty and unhappy within.
So who would you be without the belief they should stop wanting what they want?
There they are, being themselves, being honest. Without me thinking they should be in any way different. Without me running for the hills to hide in a cave out of sight.
What’s that like? How does it feel?
This is something to contemplate. I like wondering what it’s like to be without my stressful thoughts all day long, for several days in a row.
What would it be like without the thought that x person (or all those people) shouldn’t want what they want, as I drive my car, as I write, as I go to the gym, as I do yoga, as I take a walk, as I shop for food, as I put my clothes in the washing machine?
And how about now? Or how about in that situation where they’re asking you for something big, or attention, or love, or to get a job done, or for your time, or your answer? What if they persist and you really felt what it’s like without being opposed to their wants and desires?
I once spoke with a mom whose kid was 40 and wouldn’t move out.
She discovered that it would be really nice and easy (she thought) if he had a revelation and suddenly wanted to move into his own place and get a good job….
….but without her beliefs about what he should want, she noticed what SHE wanted.
Him. Out.
Who would you be without your beliefs about others?
I might notice I also love time with myself, so I understand them…AND, I like making arrangements to get alone time!
Turning the thought around: he should want more from me. I shouldn’t want more from him. I shouldn’t want more from myself.
Wow, these are all just as true or truer.
He SHOULD want more from me because: a) I’m awesome, b) he’s very talkative and adores connecting with people and sharing with others and, c) he’s not expecting me to be a passive, quiet, dishonest person who’s not be straight up with him. He wants more, which is honesty (i.e. “I don’t want to hang out”).
I shouldn’t want more from him. Yes, I’ve expected him to get a grip and realize without me saying anything that he should stop being so grabby. He should read my mind. I’m expecting a lot. And I shouldn’t.
I shouldn’t want more from myself. Well, I’ve really expected myself to be the nicest person in the world and say yes, yes, yes constantly so I don’t disappoint people….so who’s the one with high and false expectations of me? I am!
Maybe that person who’s asking a lot of you in your life is there for a very good reason. So you’ll say “no”. Or so you’ll show up even bigger and more powerful than you already do. Or so you’ll learn to be exceptionally and squeaky clean clear.
I don’t know why they’re there for you, but one thing I do know, there’s some kind of benefit.
How could it be otherwise?
“You are your only hope, because we’re not changing until you do. Our job is to keep coming at you, as hard as we can, with everything that angers, upsets, or repulses you, until you understand. We love you that much, whether we’re aware of it or not. The whole world is about you.” ~ Byron Katie
Have you ever been plagued by a dilemma of choosing between two things?
You could go with this, or you could go with that, or you could go with this, or you could go with that. (That’s by Black Sheep in case you aren’t a 90s hip-hop fan).
But I can’t decide!!
If I say YES, I feel nervous about the hard work (for a new job for example) or I’m very anxious I’ll be trapped (like in a committed relationship) or I’m terrified I won’t survive financially (leaving a long-term marriage) or I’m worried I can’t learn the new language and I’ll be homesick (moving to another country).
Whatever happens, it COULD BE BAD!
That’s the fear, right?
I’ll have a moment where I’m uncomfortable, disappointed, angry, irritated, furious, frightened, sad, regretful.
A couple of years ago, I applied with my new husband to refinance our home, and take my former husband’s name off the loan (even though former husband and I were divorced for almost a decade, he was forever listed on the loan).
My current husband and I were turned down. Not enough income. Not enough equity.
Secretly, I thought….”good”. Don’t tell anyone.
Because isn’t it dangerous to own property with some other human? I mean, they aren’t reliable. Did you see what happened last time? Even the most steadfast, kind, loving people go ape-sh*% sometimes, do they not? One has to be careful. I’ve been directly burned, after all.
Then time went by, and the housing prices started to rise, even for this tiny cottage I live in with my husband. It seemed like the right thing to do to try to refinance again and take care of that loan–update it, get the right people responsible for it who actually live here, get the former husband off the note (he really wanted that done), make plans for my mom to move here in her aging years.
This time, the loan refinance went through. After many months of waiting and me having thoughts like “Well, if it never refinances, who cares? Not me! I’ll eventually pay it off, if possible, and it will be mine, all mine!” (Horror movie laugh of glee).
Worry, fret, anxiety.
Have you noticed, whether you’re afraid your new roommate at college will be weird, or you’re nervous your new boss will do something difficult…..there’s really only two possibilities going on here with the fretting.
the thing you’re afraid of happening in the future is actually already happening (or did)
the thing you’re afraid of happening in the future has not yet happened
The first thing to do in a dilemma around choosing, is to notice if it’s #1 or #2 above.
If it’s #1, then you’ve got a current worksheet to look at deeply and maybe some beautiful clear action to take, once you’ve identified and inquired into what happened, or is currently underway.
For example, let’s say you’re worried about this new project at your job and that you’ll get all the dirty grunt work assigned to you and your boss won’t respect your time limits and you’re trying to figure out if you should say something or refuse the project or what.
If you believe this will happen….how on earth did you ever come to that conclusion? Oh. Did something ALREADY occur, or maybe a whole series of things, where you’ve felt your boundaries were disrespected, and you were the one who had to do the worst part of the project?
WORKSHEET!!
Questioning your story about what already happened will probably bring you immense clarity, and your medicine for how to relax, and move forward (or even make amends to yourself, or to others) and act in a way that holds deep integrity for you and for everyone involved.
Now, as for #2 above.
You’re faced with a decision or a choice or you’re fretting about something occurring that’s never happened. Like, this new project at work will go horribly and you’ll be worked to the bone with no breaks, without recognition. And you’ve never done a project like this in your life.
Where DID you get this idea, my little grasshopper?
Someone else’s story? Hearsay? Pictures in your head of what it will look like because you read a book, or saw a movie? A friend or family member telling you their own terrible tale?
You HAD to get it from somewhere, even if you put together composites of many other stories and cut and pasted them into a brilliant future terror scene. Right?
But the most important thing to notice with #2 is….
….IT HASN’T HAPPENED.
The future has Not Yet Occurred.
So in the most basic way, we can start this kind of agonizing choice-making with this simple inquiry:
Something terrible will happen.
(And I strongly suggest finding out what you think is terrible, and identifying it clearly).
But is this true?
Are you completely sure something terrible will happen?
How about something terrible MIGHT happen?
Are you absolutely and completely sure, without a doubt, that something terrible might happen?
No. I could never absolutely “know” this. I can know nothing about the future, and what’s more is….I notice the past is not only over, it’s never precisely repeatable.
How do I react when I believe something terrible could happen?
Doubled over in anxiety, not sleeping, worried, frantic. I see pictures of other already-happened images, or pictures of scenes I invented in my head through imagination, and other peoples’ stories.
So who would you be without this thought that something terrible could happen, in the future….whether in the dilemma you’re contemplating, or anywhere at all?
What if you just could not conceive of that thought? What if you could not believe this thought was the truth? What if you forgot about this thought, for a minute?
Who would you actually be? WHAT would you be?
Huh.
What would I be. Hmmm.
I’d be sitting here. I’d be….I have no idea. I’d be a person, looking around, flashing images in my head without believing a single one. I’d be noticing this Big Decision is maybe not all that important, to be honest.
I’d be feeling sweet, right now, right here. Quiet fan blowing heat into the room. Darkness outside the window. Wind chimes tinkling on the porch.
No urgency. No emergency. No freaking out, or depression. Just contentedly here. No serious worry about loss, or gain.
Nothing required.
Turning the thought around to the opposite: something wonderful will happen.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
Wow.
“Just notice when things are out of balance. You don’t have to figure it out. There’s a built-in signal that will always let you know: it’s called stress. Your unquestioned thoughts about life lead you to believe that there’s something out of order, and that can never be true.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
Everyone in the Institute for The Work: I’m about to teach Basics, a 5 week pre-requisite for telecourses at the Institute. Enroll quick, we begin on Monday at 4 pm PT. Sign up here.
Love, attraction, romance.
Two quick announcements for this wonderful welcoming spring weekend:
