Grace Notes

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The Courage To Ask Questions

He is sooooo picky. 

Have you ever had this thought about someone?

I was sitting in a beautiful restaurant, high sun overhead, beautiful umbrella spread over the table shading from the bright day.

The man I was with was talking to the waitress, saying things about how his lunch should be prepared, how it should arrive at the table, asking about every possible ingredient in the sauce, spices, oils….plus where the food came from.

I was looking away politely, but thinking he was asking ridiculous questions.

Two words. High Maintenance.

Just eat it the way they cook it here! Give it a rest! Who cares?! Do you really want to put this much energy into this? OMG!

I was soooooo irritated.

A good moment for The Work.

He should stop caring so much about every little detail. 

Is this true?

Yes! Life it too short! Why bother trying to get it perfect! Relax already!

I have had this thought before with other people…they should stop with the detail on calendars, lists, to-do’s. I shouldn’t have to explain something so carefully, they shouldn’t fuss over typos or spelling, how boring to plan everything out!

I have this part of me that is TOTALLY ANNOYED sometimes about giving someone directions. Can’t they just figure it out? Do they really need a map? How about winging it? Have you ever heard of improv?

Jeez!! Lame!!

Um, yah, so what was the question?

Oh! Right! Can I absolutely know that it’s true that he should stop caring about all that detail?

No. I can’t know that at all. Detail is very helpful sometimes. A slight detail change can make a big difference.  Could mean everything about the rest of his day, and how his stomach might feel.

Why am I so annoyed, anyway?

How do I react when I believe someone is caring too much about the details?

I think of them as scared, controlling, demanding, fearful…I treat them with intolerance on the inside, and on the outside I’m cordial.

I pull back from being involved intimately. I think I’m better.

Because I’ve given up, myself. I’ve decided, it doesn’t matter anyway.

Sigh.

Who would I be without the belief that heavy-on-the-detail is bad, spontaneity is good?

I would see how amazing things can become with emphasis on detail. It is not my forte. I would feel patience, appreciation.

I would look at my friend and see an example of someone who really cares, and is careful, about his health and what he’s eating in this moment. He is asking a lot of questions and getting answers (although I’m wondering if the waiter is annoyed).

I suddenly remember how uncomfortable asking a lot of questions could be in my culture, my family. I’m not even sure why…just a strange sense of foreboding and danger.

Do Not Pester People.

They Get Angry.

I take a deep breath.

Who would I be without the thought that people asking questions about every detail they can imagine is irritating, a time-waster?

I’d look over at that human, and I see someone who doesn’t look very relaxed, is craving information, is wanting to make a great decision.

Someone who is determined to do it right, get it right, have a favorable outcome.

Why be upset with them for wanting that?

I turn the thoughts around: I should stop caring about every little detail. Yes, I’m getting all worked up about HIS questions. I’ve thought this about my young children before, too.

He should let go, stop controlling, be more trusting? How about I should let go, stop controlling HIM (by being so bossy from within my mind) and be more trusting.

“Over time I began to see how delicate and challenging it was for most seekers to find the courage to question any and all ideas and beliefs about the true nature of themselves, the world, others, and even enlightenment itself. In almost every person, every religion, every group, every teaching and every teacher, there are ideas, beliefs, and assumptions that are overtly or covertly not open to question.” ~ Adyashanti

All those people who have questioned around me….the children, the parents, the ones who have asked penetrating questions, or questions about things I think don’t matter….can I just be comfortable with questions?

My own questions? Someone else’s questions?

Can I trust this situation that has someone asking and asking in it….and learn? Maybe the answers DO matter!

Yes! I can do that.

I can practice not being soooooo picky.

Love, Grace

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You Can Handle Death

It was a light spring day with blossoms bursting everywhere in the city parks. I had been trading phone messages with a woman who was interested in finding out more about The Work.
She was in a distant time zone.
Today, I was walking through the university arboretum with fancy-named trees and gorgeous smells and rich green grass when her number appeared on my cell phone. Even though I didn’t recognize it, I thought “that number is really familiar, I need to pick it up”.
Even though she had sounded so light in our brief exchanges so far, without ever talking LIVE….it turned out she had cancer, and not necessarily a “good” prognosis.
I had worked with many people with cancer diagnoses before…but not anyone who may only have a few months to live.
I felt very moved for a moment.
I recognized in thirty seconds my own heart feeling full, and thoughts of something that looked at this whole human condition of life and death, noticing the beauty and the destruction all at once.
Blossoms everywhere, this woman apparently near her end-of-life moment.
That evening, after setting up a session with her on skype, I remembered my first hospice patient visit at my previous job.
At that time, I had received all my training in questioning patients about sensitive topics, I had finished my graduate degree in Applied Behavioral Science.
I had a laptop, I had arrived at the patient’s home, and I was ready for the task I was supposed to complete….a very extensive Quality of Life interview. This was “academic” work.
But the two requirements for people who enrolled in this research were 1) they had to be with it mentally, so they could answer questions, and 2) they had to be in hospice.
The patient I was visiting this very first time lived in a condo. I parked in the Visitors space. I knocked on her door with a little trepidation.
The woman I met was the same age as I was.

Feelings welled up inside my stomach and my throat, but I kept them hidden. I didn’t want to start crying!

This woman who was a total stranger to me answered many questions about her pain, how she felt…many personal questions about her life.

She was so brave.

When I left, I gave her a little hug, and then went to my car. In the driver’s seat, sitting in the big parking lot, I wept.

I thought “I’m not sure I can handle this job”.

But the next day, I drove to someone else’s home to interview THEM on their quality of life.

Some people had cancer, some had heart disease, some had ALS.

By the third patient, I relaxed. I didn’t have the simple version of inquiry we all know as The Work in my life yet, but I had other self-inquiry after quite a few years of really beginning to investigate the meaning of This.

And here was my next phase. Meeting people who knew they were on their way out, with limited time….people of all ages.

It was the gift of a lifetime. I started thinking I can’t believe I have such an amazing job, to be able to realize that everyone was the same as me, not different.

That day when the woman with only a little time left contacted me, I might have had thoughts like “this will be hard” or “this is sad” or “she is frightened (and I can’t help her)” but while they tried to arise….I knew they weren’t true.

Who would you be without the thought that if you only have two months left to live, it’s *terrible*?

Without the thought that this is an example of great suffering in a harsh world?

That she can’t handle….or I can’t handle…the body’s decline and death?

Who would I be without the thought that I couldn’t help her?

I’d be there. I’d do The Work with her.

Funny, her thoughts were no different than any of mine, or any I have heard before. “I’m going to die” and “I shouldn’t die” and “this is shameful” and “I can’t stand this” and “people feel sorry for me (and I hate that).”

I turn my own thoughts around, the ones trying to get some energy or some volume, the ones I used to think all the time before meeting so many people over the years who were in hospice…

….I can handle this. Because I’m the one here, I’m the one.

I can handle the body’s decline and death, because everyone handles it.

I can help her, and I don’t have to even do anything except show up (and another turnaround, I can’t help her.…and that’s the way of it, not really a problem).

“When you’re not thinking about death, you fully accept it. You’re not worrying about it at all. Think of your foot. Did you have a foot before you thought of it? Where was it? When there’s no thought, there’s no foot. When there’s no thought of death, there’s no death.” ~ Byron Katie

I can be here, with anyone, in any situation. So can you. You don’t need to know how to do it.

Love, Grace

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Open Your Heart To Jealousy

Many years ago I found out someone didn’t like me at my job.

I kinda knew this person wasn’t exactly fond of me, even though we didn’t know each other very well. She seemed to act weird around me, like trying to one-up me or making comments that sounded a little mean.

Then I found out from someone else why.

Jealousy.

This wasn’t the first time, either.

When I was a kid I had three younger sisters. I was naturally FIRST at a bunch of stuff. I went to school first, piano lessons first, girl scouts first, roller skating first, on stage for the school holiday play first.

I also always said “I DIBS FRONT SEAT!” when everyone had to get in the family ford van to go somewhere with my mom. I was never challenged.

I won most board games, or hop scotch, or jump roap. When you have a few years’ edge on your siblings, you can’t help it.

And sometimes, my sisters got really mad. “It’s not fair! How come she gets the best bedroom in the house!” This protest came up maybe…twice. In my entire life as a kid.

It makes me cringe a little now…because of the way I made darn sure no one knocked me off my #1 place. I was sooooo bossy. My attitude towards my sisters was “Don’t mess with me! I am the leader! Oh yeah!”

Not exactly good for close, supportive, connected relationships with my sisters.

When I heard that this woman, who seemed very stressed around me, was jealous….

….part of me had this reaction:

  • what is her problem?
  • jeez, she is so insecure!
  • what a loser
  • she shouldn’t compete with me
  • she should be kind to me
  • she shouldn’t be jealous
  • she should think I’m awesome
  • she is so uptight
  • how annoying!

I was all full of attack thoughts and I practically wanted to quit my job at that moment, or do anything possible, to NEVER see her AGAIN!

And I could feel how unloving my reaction.

She shouldn’t be jealous of me. She should like me.

Is it true?

Yes. That is such a waste of energy, so uncaring, so divisive! It builds such a wall between us! She is so so mistaken! She should STOP!!

Can I absolutely know that this is true?

No. Gosh. Funny how I’m overlooking my demand that SHE needs to change in order for ME to be happy. Heh heh.

No. She should be herself. There’s something important going on inside her.

How do I react when I believe someone shouldn’t be jealous of me?

Afraid! I want to avoid them. I want to put more space between us. I’m scared of her assumptions. I don’t like her not liking me, this is terrible.

This is a Snow White emergency! That evil queen so full of jealousy made everyone’s life miserable!

In high school, if I ever had this thought and I was scared someone was rejecting me because of jealousy….I tried to act overly nice, sweet, sugary syrupy extra over-the-top pleasant. Or I was kind of frozen in their presence.

Please don’t reject me! I’m not that great! I have problems!

Lordy! So much energy directed towards this person and the fear of their not accepting me…and sad when the reason they don’t like me is because of something apparently positive.

So who would I be without the thought that she shouldn’t be jealous of me?

I would remember that everyone has their own life of feelings, thoughts, perceptions….and I am not the boss of them.

Without the thought that she should stop? She shouldn’t reject me?

I’d see her as doing the best she can.

“Do you really want to enter the room in which someone’s feelings are formed? Do you want to control his mind, to barge in and insert the thoughts and feelings YOU want him to have? Is it even possible?” ~ Byron Katie 

Wow.

I realize how I am demanding that this person NOT have the feeling they have. I discover how afraid I am of someone else being jealous.

I suddenly realize how I’ve believed my whole life that people shouldn’t be jealous, even when it’s NOT about me! Jealousy is evil!

I turn the thought around: She should be jealous of me. 

How could this be as true or truer than my original belief? What’s an example?

Weird….it’s hard to find at first. I think more about “jealousy”. What is it?

The dictionary defines it as suspicious, resentful, envious….it gives an example in the dictionary in a sentence: “she went into a jealous rage”.

Without the story that jealousy is evil and that it means people will KILL, I notice that I am OK, so is she. Everyone is fine.

I notice that as I feel more centered inside myself, and not her, I feel free to be me. She doesn’t have to like me. She doesn’t have to stop.

“Life is surrounding you with people and situations that stimulate growth. You don’t have to decide who’s right or wrong. You don’t have to worry about other people’s issues. You only have to be willing to open your heart in the face of anything and everything, and permit the purification process to take place.” ~ Michael Singer

Yes, it is good that she is jealous of me because I can practice the deepest compassion. I can open my heart.

I can un-do this story, for me.

I shouldn’t be jealous of her. I shouldn’t be jealous of myself. I shouldn’t be so concerned with jealousy, period.  

Simply stopping the incessant comparison. Stop defending. Stop protesting.

Jealousy isn’t safe…..is it true?

Oh. Maybe that’s a fairy tale.

Love, Grace

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Those Greedy People Were Generous

It was a Seattle misty-raining evening and already pitch dark, even though it was only 5:10 pm. You’d say “late afternoon” if it was summer.

I parked my car several blocks away from a hotel where a business networking meeting was already underway. I was late.

In my car, I had quickly grabbed a more “business” looking jacket, to put on over my long-sleeved aqua blue casual t-shirt. I had remembered to wear Not Jeans. As in black “business” looking pants.

When I entered, a man was standing up addressing the room, wearing a gorgeous gray business suit and red tie. The room was full.

As I made my way towards the closest open seat towards the back (people were sitting at tables for four) I was thinking thoughts like this:

  • Oh no, this is worse than I thought, I don’t fit in
  • Everyone looks so professional, managerial, like bosses
  • I can’t do this entrepreneurial thing
  • I won’t be able to stand it when they call on me to say what I do for a living (self-inquiry? counseling? The Work?)
  • No one will understand me and what I do
  • Everyone here is only interested in making money
  • They only care about appearance, success, wealth
  • I gotta get outta here!

RRRRUUUUNNNN!

Fortunately, I sort of “half ran”. I stayed planted right there physically (I couldn’t leave and draw attention to myself, right?)

But my mind whirled with nervousness and I probably had a plastic smile on my face. Like I was waiting for the first chance to lunge at an exit door. Maybe they’d take a bathroom break soon.

Later, after I “made it through” that ordeal…and I was back to safety…it occurred to me that doing The Work on this moment, this exact situation, might be not justinteresting….

….but maybe doing The Work on this would be very, very important for my own relationship with money, commerce, business, giving-and-receiving, offering a service in exchange for money, connecting with strangers…being free.

I got to work.

Is it true that I don’t fit in there? What does that mean…to not fit in? That I don’t have on the exact same outfit?

Seriously?

I don’t fit in because they are more interested in money than me?

(Yes, I often did my work for free, I had practiced many hours of volunteering my time to organizations, group talks and individual sessions with people).

Is that true that they are more interested in money than I am? Because they’re wearing a business suit?

Oh jeez. No. Gulp.

Is it true that because they want to market themselves, get more customers, read marketing books and take business-growth classes….that I don’t fit in?

Is it true that when someone has a lot of money, I am not like them? Have they succeeded somewhere I have failed?

Rats. But.

I’ve always thought it was so NOBLE and AWESOME to live like a monk, be able to live on nothing, to fit everything I own into my car.

Which is, by the way, a used Toyota. Not an SUV. Which they probably drive.

Aren’t I amazing how detached I am from material possessions? So light and carefree? So giving?

Yet I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that these people, in this meeting, are any different from me. In fact, I’m pretty sure they aren’t.

How do I react when I believe they want money….and it’s selfish, or they do it the wrong, mean way?

I perceive them as the enemy. I start firing out judgments like gun shots: see, this is mostly men, they are the top echelon of the culture, they don’t care about me or anyone so small as me, they are good-ol-boys, I’m too soft, or liberal, for them.

It’s very, very painful.

Wait.

I like doing The Work better on needing money, and finding out I don’t need money. Ha! I can Out-Not-Need You! I was anorexic once! I can overcome base human desires for things like food…and money…like you never could, you mean selfish….!!

That’s how I reacted.

How amazing to consider the fourth question, for once in my life: Who would I be without the thought that these people were bad and money was bad, and wanting money was bad? That I could exit out the back door and continue to not fit in?

I would look around the room and stop judging everyone’s clothing. I would notice colors, texture, sparkles, beauty.

I would see friendly smiles, welcoming someone who didn’t look completely at home here.

I would be absolutely delighted by all the camaraderie, joy, determination, passion, and excitement in the room.

Oh boy, I get to stand up and be in the spot light for a moment! I love the theater!

I may or may not come back to that meeting. Without stress.

I turn the thoughts around:

  • Oh yes, this is better than I thought, I fit right in!
  • Everyone looks so professional, managerial, like bosses–AWESOME
  • I can do this entrepreneurial thing
  • I will be able to stand it when they call on me to say what I do for a living–yes, in fact, I stood up and spoke, so I “stood” it.
  • Everyone will understand me and what I do! How funny to think I can have this attitude just as easily as the opposite!
  • Everyone here is interested in making money. Fabulous, because I am too.
  • In this moment, I only care about appearance, success, wealth…yes. I am judging right and left with these three factors in mind.
  • I am a cut throat, selfish, greedy, competitive meanie. I’ve hardly given them a chance! And they are gentle, generous, playful friendlies. Yes.
  • I gotta stay right here!

There are so many examples of all these turnarounds….they all come alive as I sit in them, slowly doing my work.

I learn from wildly successful people, I listen and read and hear.

I let it all digest inside of me, knowing I am very successful and how much I love myself and my own pace and my own style.

I notice I still love jeans. There are no rules. I also absolutely LOVE the material, smell, silky fabrics and smooth muted patterns of “business” wear. How fun.

I also notice I love money, where I used to have a push/pull love/hate relationship with it (just like food, sex, relationships, parenting, life, the universe).

“Most people think that the world is outside them. They live life backward, running after security and approval, as if by making enough money or getting enough praise they could be happy once and for all. But nothing outside us can give us what we’re looking for.” ~ Byron Katie

When I am not so afraid of absence of money, the freedom has allowed me to move with ease, fun, excitement, and no longer procrastination.

Thank you, everyone, who supported me along this road to true security and joyful freedom. And more money.

If you’re interested in being more honest about your relationship with money, getting down to the boney depths of the love and hate….bring your thoughts to a group. It can help you see what you’re thinking, that keeps you in prison. And feeling poor.

The next MONEY teleclass (8 weeks) starts in December!

Love, Grace

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I Need To Lose It!

Yesterday morning the Horrible Food Wonderful Food telegroup met for the second time in our series of 8.

Even though I have taught that teleclass almost 20 times now, and of course people question this common stressful belief I’m about to tell you…I find it fascinating to explore.

I need to lose weight.

Now, before you think “that’s not me, I can’t relate to this stressful belief!” take a moment to think about ANYTHING you repeatedly tell yourself you need to “lose” or “get rid of”.

It’s a mega-list to that Voice that is hyper-critical.

  • I need to get rid of my household junk
  • I need to lose my low confidence
  • I need to clean out my closets
  • I need to get rid of my anxiety
  • I need to get rid of this friend/partner/boss/employee
  • I need to lose my anger
  • I need to lose my scarcity or my negative thinking

The burden of having these thoughts, and feeling like the item/energy/result is NOT going away, is very “weighty”.

And it seems like thinking these thoughts, and believing them whole-heartedly, does not make it happen.

So let’s look at something you think you need to lose, and see if it’s absolutely true.

Is it? Are you absolutely positive you need to lose weight? Or something else?

Wow, maybe you need to lose that sickness, or that injured hamstring (d-oh!), or this head cold, or that nasty neighbor.

It is soooo true! I need to lose it!

Life would be much better if I lost it!

OK, so you’re positive you need to lose weight, or that other thing or person.

How do you react when you believe that thought?

Plans, plans, plans of attack for getting rid of this thing. I’ll put a lock on the refrigerator, I’ll go on a diet, I’ll feel depressed and sad, I’ll avoid contacting that person, I’ll quit my job, I’ll see if I can find someone who can help me get rid of it.

I’ll go to the ends of the earth trying.

When I believe the thought, I feel tense, afraid, very nervous, angry. I keep thinking about how I need to lose it. I think about it over and over. I make a new plan.

But what a wonderful question: who would you be without the thought that you need to lose this thing, lose this weight, this person, this injury, this hardship, this situation?

Wow.

Yesterday, people in the telegroup were imagining not having the thought that they need to lose weight for the first time since childhood.

They said “I would be free.” “I would have so much TIME!” “I would feel open, curious, lighter, exposed.” “I wouldn’t censor myself!” “I would be connected to my true nature.”

If I noticed I need to lose some clutter in my closet, but without a depressed or unhappy feeling…I would start to go through the stuff there, and put some of it in boxes for Goodwill.

If I noticed I need to lose some of my anger, or negative thinking, or someone I’m not enjoying or afraid of….I do The Work, I find out more deeply what bothers me about them or it, that I think I need to lose it.

What would I really have, if I lost it? Peace? Courage? Happiness?

Am I sure I couldn’t have that right now, even though this thing, this sickness, this person, this weight…is here?

Turning the thought around, we sat with the liberating idea: I don’t need to lose weight. MY THINKING needs to lose weight.

“It makes life extremely difficult when you call what you’re doing ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, or ‘unnecessary’–when you belittle it after it has been done. To compare what you’ve done to what you shoud have done, to think that you need to measure up to some external standard, is a difficult path. What is, is always the way it’s supposed to be right now…” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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Death Seems Unfriendly

The other day I got an email from someone who recently had an enormous loss, the death of her beloved sister.

She had never heard of The Work and someone suggested she explore it.

We wrote back and forth, and she had wonderful questions and I could almost hear her mind cranking away at the ideas we discussed: the power to be able to ask if something really is true, especially when it seems like it IS absolutely true….the question of whether or not it is a friendly universe when it appears it is not.

Sometimes people have a puzzled response around questioning the mind….like…what are you talking about?!

It reminded me of how unusual it is, in many ways, for the mind to question itself. It feels like a thinking machine. It’s just busy, occupied with thoughts, which it mostly assumes to be true.

And out of these thoughts, feelings are born.

The space between thought and feeling is so so fast sometimes, almost impossible to catch. It seems like we just feel bad…and it’s either OBVIOUS why we feel bad, or MYSTERIOUS why we feel bad.

For this woman who was struggling, it felt obvious why she felt bad. The death of someone close.

That kind of loss when things appear to be entirely done, finished, over: death, or a major break-up, or a house burning down….these kinds of sudden losses can raise huge responses inside us.

Why even do The Work? 

The person is gone…me doing The Work won’t bring them back!

I remembered myself and how I’ve felt when I had that thought…how I still react sometimes with loss or change that appears sudden, quick and unexpected:

  • that person is gone
  • I will never get over this
  • life by myself, without that person, is horrible/sad/depressing
  • other people are happy, but not me
  • the universe is not friendly
  • God/Source/Reality has pulled the rug out from under me

Pulled The Rug Out.

What a great phrase to describe the shock. A person is standing on a carpet, and someone or something comes along, big and strong enough to grab the edge of the carpet and yank out that rug. Of course, the person standing on the rug topples over, they fall and land hard, they are confused, they are frightened, they feel hurt.

So let’s do The Work.

The rug has been pulled out, figuratively speaking….is it true?

Yes. I thought things were going differently, beautifully. I hate the way they went. I don’t like death and endings. The loss is tragic for me.

IT IS TRUE that my life will never be the same, and the universe is NOT friendly!!

You’re supposed to feel happy, like the universe is friendly, all the time…is THAT true? You’re supposed to feel different than you feel, really? 

Well…it seems like it would be better to NOT feel this way. But I’m not sure I’m supposed to feel differently than I feel.

The difficult part is when I believe that if things were different and this loss was not present, that would be much, much better….

….and then the jump to the conclusion, very speedy quick rapid, that un-doing the loss is the ONLY way I could feel better.

Since un-doing this loss is impossible…there is no way to feel better. Ever.

THAT is a huge, gigantic, deep, very painful trap.

Can I absolutely know I will never feel better, ever again?

Not at all. I’ve had death and loss and endings and it turns out….over time, it was better. It wasn’t up to me really.

Is it absolutely true that the rug was pulled out from under me? That the universe is not friendly? That the universe has mean, violent intentions?

No. I can’t absolutely know this. It seems true sometimes, especially about this whole Loss and Death stuff. But I’m not 100% sure. It seems sudden…but on the other hand, I’ve been aware that people die since I was a kid.

Death is not really NEW news.

How do you react when you believe this is too much for you to handle, and Reality is not kind?

Terrified, nervous, sleeping badly, comparing myself to other people who have it better than I do, angry, frustrated, mad. Staying home by myself. Wishing I could just die.

Not enjoying life, that’s for sure.

Deep breath.

So who would you be without the thought that the universe is mean, frightening, and unpredictable, and that you can’t handle this loss?

Without the thought that things will never be the same, that all is NOT well, or that the rug was pulled out from under you?

You may have to pause and think about it. What if you really didn’t believe this was 100% terrible, this situation you’ve experienced that hurts so very much, or that it is such a surprise?

What if there was some small part of you that could feel what it would be like, to not believe in a universe that plays mean tricks…like pulling the rug out from under you?

What if you are handling it? See if you are. “Are you breathing?” as Byron Katie says.

For me…I stop. I begin to wonder. I notice I AM breathing, my heart is beating and I am alive.

I didn’t actually DIE because of this event.

I look around the room I’m sitting in, and notice books, furniture, windows, ceiling…all intact. Everything quiet, waiting.

I notice a hum inside, some energy that is alive, here, in this body.

I turn the thoughts around to the opposite, to try them on, in this world of duality and opposites:

I am OK, I am handling this, the universe is safe, reality is not mean, there may be other ways I could feel better than only the one way I think would offer relief.

There may even be advantages, or something inviting me to see, after this experience. Perhaps something is calling me forward, inviting me to recognize something truer than I previously thought, to become aware.

Could there be anything, anything at all (even very small) that might be NOT terrible about this situation?

You don’t HAVE to see it as positive, friendly, lovely, sweet, kind and loving right away, especially when it really seems like it’s not.

This is simply finding the turnaround, a different way, a different FEELING about this whole thing.

  • that person is here, in my heart, forever
  • I will always get over this, everyone does eventually
  • life by myself, without that person, is wonderful/happy/enlightening
  • other people are happy, and so am I
  • the universe is friendly
  • God/Source/Reality has caught me and held me and supported me the whole time

“The whole notice of death is a beautiful and very potent spiritual awakening…The body will go, thoughts will go, imagination will go, self-image will go…death takes it all away, doesn’t it? And for the mind this is terrifying….But if you imagine; body gone, mind gone, feelings gone, memories gone, no past, no future, all falling away…what’s left? And what’s that LIKE? What’s the sense of that awareness? So death actually points towards awareness, towards consciousness. It takes everything away except what is essential. All form temporarily subsides. It reveals what you really, really, really are.” ~ Adyashanti

Is this really all terror and sadness, as I remember that person I love, who used to be here with me?

Or is this love, too?

Much love, Grace

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It’s Not As Bad As I Thought (How Embarrassing)

Yesterday I saw several medical people, including a surgeon, about this injury I’ve been mentioning.

But today I am not talking about the injury, it’s about another interesting thought that began to invade, while thinking about appointments, hospitals, procedures, xrays, having pins put into bones, and what was going to happen next.

(I’m not getting surgery quite yet, outcome still uncertain).

Last night as I went to bed, I had the thought “what if I don’t even have surgery, at all, for this injury?”

Then just on the heals of that thought, embarrassment.

Like, wait. Everyone thinks I was going to get surgery and that I’m in dire straits, and now….I might just have a chronic injury that’s not getting better, but there may be time to wait and try a experimental injection, and perhaps other alternatives.

Someone very dear had brought me a care package. Someone else was drumming for me. A local church had me on the prayer list. Many people were sending wonderful wishes on facebook.

But what is this uncomfortable feeling?

A little like when a woman says she is pregnant, and receives many well-wishes, and then has a miscarriage.

I’ve had friends before who have had this not uncommon experience.

Some women ride along with it, talk with others, hash out what they imagine will happen next, visit the doctor, try to get pregnant again.

But some women feel…..embarrassed. 

Like they shouldn’t have said anything yet. Like the well-wishes were unfounded, not necessary somehow.

NEXT TIME, they say, they won’t tell they’re pregnant until they are well into the fifth month, or whenever is “safe” to make the announcement.

The stressful feeling descends in….for me I felt undeserving, kind of guilty. I was mistaken. 

  • I shouldn’t have jumped to conclusions based on one doctor’s advice
  • People are worried for me unnecessarily
  • I’m too much of a nervous ninny
  • I’m receiving support that I don’t deserve
  • What a whiner, this pain isn’t THAT bad, I should have realized this
  • I overreacted
  • People are giving me attention I’m unworthy to receive
  • People should help someone else in greater need

Oh, the sinking yuck feeling. Shameful almost.

Let’s take a look at these beliefs and investigate.

Is it true, that I overreacted, I shouldn’t have spoken up, I did it wrong, that I’m not suffering enough to deserve all this attention, focus, support?

Yes! I got carried away in reading on the internet, taking the first doctor’s advice very seriously, jumping to conclusions before having all the information.

I’m not in as bad condition as I thought. That isn’t good. That is BAD. I’ve misled myself and everyone else! God, what a loser!

Deep breath. Really? Can I know absolutely that all this is true?

No. I didn’t know before. I had no idea there were so many differing opinions about my injury. I don’t know if I’ve done it wrong. It’s not true that I am unworthy, or that I’m undeserving. Maybe I’m a nervous ninny, that’s OK.

I never had this happen before–the pain kind of worries me.

But I should be ashamed of myself? No.

“Shame is easily understood as the fear of disconnection. Is there something about me, that if other people know it or see it, that I won’t be worthy of connection.” ~ Brene Brown 

How do I react when I believe the thought that I revealed myself, in that moment, with fear and trepidation, received mountains of incredible support, and now…things are looking a little different.

It’s my fault.

Like getting a diagnosis of cancer, and then finding out it was a false positive.

Why can’t you relax??

How do I react? Embarrassment, shame, confusion, worried about what people will think.

So who would I be without the thought that I should have kept my medical condition to myself for the time being, that I shouldn’t have complained about my pain in public?

I would actually laugh. I would feel the fun of watching thoughts come and go, like a roller coaster ride.

I would notice how human I am, and how I think I’m supposed to know everything before it even happens, and that I got really scared in the last couple of days about surgery and photos of that surgery.

I would see how when I feel pain physically, my mind jumps up and starts working on it ASAP to find relief, and a conclusion, and an answer. This is sort of natural. It’s part of biology.

I turn the thought around: it is a good thing that I responded the way I did? That I reached out for support?

Can I find that to be just as true?

  • I should have jumped to conclusions
  • People are NOT worried for me unnecessarily
  • I’m a regular human nervous ninny sometimes
  • I’m receiving support that I do deserve
  • What an in-touch, aware person, this pain is important, I should have realized exactly what I realized in the last few days
  • I did not overreact
  • People are giving me attention I’m worthy to receive
  • People are already helping people in greater need (I’m not keeping them from that)

Can I feel what it’s like if I didn’t have the belief that I was mistaken and being mistaken is BAD? Something to be ashamed of myself about?

“Thoughts are like the wind or the leaves on the trees or the raindrops falling. They’re not personal, they don’t belong to us, they just come and go. When they’re met with understanding, they’re friends. I love my stories……..

……I love how the mind changes. I watch it and am steadfast in that delight. I love the sweet movement and flavor of mind changing. I move as it moves, without an atom of resistance.” ~ Byron Katie in A Thousand Names for Joy

You never know what is going to happen. Up, down, left, right, life, death, forward, backward, coming, going, injury, healing.

Whatever you thought or said yesterday is sweet, was right at that moment for you and for everyone.

And now is a different day, with new thoughts. A new sweet movement and flavor.

Much love, Grace

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The Stunning Truth About Being Alone

Sometimes, you have sudden, unexpected changes in your life.

One day it’s that way….and then something happens….and it’s another way. Never to return to the old way.

Recently, a lovely inquirer contacted me to do The Work on something that comes up regularly: her partner left. 

Another woman and I did The Work together on her cancer diagnosis. 

I can guarantee that for both these situations…there are thoughts of Before and After. 

Before….things were good. After….things not so good.

I’m in the newly updated football stadium of the local huge university. The Sports Medicine clinic takes up the entire underground level, new state-of-the art rooms and lots of wood and purple.

I check my cell phone. No internet down here. They should put that in. I could be getting something done. Instead of sitting here by myself.

The doctor comes in and pulls out a cool wall-mounted screen. He shows me the black and white image of my entire pelvis, which looks like a butterfly, or a weird beetle. 

He’s pointing to something white and saying “see, no hamstring here…it’s just Not There…I think you’ll pretty much HAVE to get surgery to be able to move about in the future.” 

It doesn’t really sink in until later, when I’m driving away. What exactly did he mean by SURGERY?

I google the internet. Oh. I google the words used in the report of this image. 

I’m not sure when it happens, but it’s like waking up slowly to what needs to happen here. Bunches of thoughts. 

I’ll be in one of those L-Shaped casts for my leg keeping it totally and completely braced and immobile….for several MONTHS. Can’t put weight on it for 3 months, will maybe go on a jog at 6 months. And I’m told I won’t be back to normal for a YEAR.

OK then!

The mind kicks in on all the things I might not get to do: the New Year’s Cleanse, dancing next weekend, sitting at the Thanksgiving table, DRIVING, getting on an airplane in January….going to the bathroom easily. 

A thought rises to the top, with the mind rushing. From smooth, deep pool…to Grand Canyon river rapids! 

HHHEEELLLLLPPPP!

I’ll be lying on the couch going CRAZY because I can’t go exercise! My muscles will atrophy! 

I’ll have to just…..just….SIT THERE.

Kind of odd, really. Because this is often the result after a big major life-changing event.

Your partner leaves, and you are sitting there. In a room by yourself. 

You find out you have cancer, and you are sitting there. You’re the only one who has it, in this particular way, right in this moment. You’re on your own.

You lose your job, and you are sitting at home. In a room by yourself.

You’re in a big accident, and you are lying in a hospital bed. By yourself.

I know there’s lots of people around, too, but I’m talking about awareness of the most difficult moment in the midst of all this. 

What is actually happening, in this terrible moment when I have lost something, lost someone, lost my life as I knew it?

Am I sure it’s terrible, that it WILL be terrible soon, that it will be terrible forever?

Since I cannot know the future, what I CAN look at, and answer…is my answer to this question: is this truly horrendous, disastrous, shattering, devastating, horrifying, tragic?

Right now. Well?

OK, well, now that you put it that way. Right NOW, I’m actually writing this note. I don’t feel much pain. I’m sitting up. 

I’m not sure how I will feel, later, after the operation, when I’m lying down and I’m not even ABLE to sit up.

It may seem a small point. But the anticipation of the terrible moment in the future is actually a little, well, a little crazy to go into. 

It’s like saying…OK, let’s get stressed out NOW because you’re going to get stressed out LATER.

I look around, at NOW. There’s a desk, this beautiful cream-colored couch, dark morning air outside, murmuring early-morning voices walking past, a bookshelf full of the best books on the planet, a happy kitchen.

Don’t I pay sometimes to go sit in total silence with a small group of people interested in being all alone, and quiet?

How do I react when I think that what is happening right now is worrisome, or that I have to prepare for the unpleasant thing about to happen in the future?

I get jittery in my chest. I have images flash before my eyes. I see myself wasting away into skin and bones…and turning into a skeleton…and dying.

Seriously, the mind is very dramatic. 

I felt this way when my former husband left, too. Like I was so vividly aware of a space of emptiness, I could stay lying on the bed forever and not talk with anyone for 3 days, and just read and space out and stare. 

But who would I be without the thought that I KNOW it’s gonna be rough later? 

Without the thought that later, it will not be possible to be happy?

Without the thought that this here, right now, sucks?

Wow…I catch this little glimpse of it being very interesting to be immobilized in a cast-brace-thing and not be able to move, like Houdini, for two weeks.

(Oh, Houdini escaped within 3 minutes? Don’t remind me!)

Ahem. Back to inquiry. Who would you be without the thought that the AFTER of this whole operation thing will be difficult? 

I see advantages. 

No packing up my gym gear for the gym. Not necessary to be in great physical condition to have a happy life. No driving a car, paying for gas, just not necessary to go ANYWHERE. 

In this moment, without the thought that THIS, Reality, is BAD….I actually kind of find this all funny. I’m sitting in a room all by myself. 

Holy Moly!

There are all kinds of things I can do, on that couch in the future, without the thought that being alone, lying there by myself, is a bad thing.

Concentrated time on my business re-tweaking my website. Finishing my little booklet on hitches that come up with The Work as you begin to do it. Completing that third draft of the parenting ebook that people are already downloading (it will be much better and more succinct). Writing that dang book proposal that keeps being on the to-do list endlessly and keeps getting bumped to the bottom. 

“You can just as easily identify with a problematic body and make the body’s imperfection, illness, or disability into your identity….Once the ego has found an identity, it does not want to let go…..[but] no matter what your body’s appearance is on the outer level, beyond the outer form it is an intensely alive energy field.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

Even if I died during the operation (remember? Drama Queen mind?) I actually might find THAT quite interesting. 

“Any feeling of discomfort or stress is an alarm that lets you know you’re believing an untrue thought.” ~ Byron Katie

“Just take five seconds to be quiet……It will stun you, it will really shock you if you’ve never seen it before: how much untruth we take to be as true. THIS is being alone….it’s aloneness inside, alone even from our own concepts.” ~ Adyashanti

Do I want to feel that aloneness, without running from it? That freedom that is so incredible? That wild mystery? Alone, all by myself?

Yes. Yes. Yes.

Love, Grace

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Don’t Try To Glitter Like A Jewel–Be Common

The other day a long-time reader of Grace Notes sent me an email. She said she did all the right things in life.

In her letter, she described what she meant by “right things”.

Each day, she meditates, writes out her prayers, cooks good healthy food and eats very well, exercises, reads spiritual work, listens to supportive audio like Byron Katie, and she stays sober.

She said “I’m a good girl!”

So how come things don’t always work out that well?

I have that good girl streak. The list is long about what “good” can be.

Yoga, raw food, being kind, donating money to charity, spending time with your kids, being helpful, giving your family money, doing volunteer work, cleaning, offering support to someone in need, being friendly, taking care of the elderly, cooking for your spouse…oh gosh.

It’s starting to sound a lot like Maria Syndrome!

As in Maria in the Sound of Music. Almost a nun, but instead, a fabulous dancer and musician to eight children who lost their mother.

I have come down with the Maria Syndrome ailment from time to time.

Usually when someone or something has threatened my personal Maria image.

For example…

Several years ago, a leader who was working on the same community project with me announced that it was time for “everything to come out in the open” at a big board meeting.

Everything? What’s “everything”? And why is she looking directly at me?

I was called forward, and then another woman was also called forward.

“You two need to get along!” the leader said.

“I need you to sit down, face each other, and Dee….you need to quit talking to others and tell Grace right to her face what you’re concerns are! We’re tired of hearing about it!”

Dee had things to tell me? Complaints that she was voicing to others, behind my back?

Gulp.

My face turned the deepest bright red, my heart started racing, and my armpits broke into a cold clammy sweat.

I was terrified.

It turned out that Dee thought I wasn’t doing my part, that I didn’t communicate effectively, that I ignored her, that I was not collaborating well, that I showed up late and was unreliable, and in fact she’d never had such a bad experience trying to get a community service project underway before.

Holy. Cow.

I felt myself going into shock. Then embarrassment. I was stunned.

I was fairly new to The Work at the time. But I found myself later writing out a most vicious response, on paper, once I gathered my wits about me.

She shouldn’t think that about me! She should think I’m awesome! That I’m good, reliable and kind! She shouldn’t think I’m ignoring her, or not collaborating well! She should know my intentions are pure, positive and good!

What was WRONG with her? Too sensitive! Too insecure, fussy, rigid, paranoid, confused!

She had me sized up WRONG. Wrong, wrong, wrong!

It was like Defenders of the Great Image of Grace Bell/Maria. How dare she see me other than “good”!?

Heh heh. Um. Yeah.

I discovered the power of the Maria Syndrome. Demanding that everyone see me as positively.

What a shocker that someone didn’t, with all the time, effort and energy I put into being such a freakin’ good citizen!

So, is it true that I am a good person….like Maria? Or that Dee should have seen me that way?

Yes! I KNOW I am a good, reliable, honest person! She should see this!

Are you sure? 

Deep breath. Answer from the deepest depths of your heart and mind.

No. I am not sure this is true. I have not been very excited AT ALL about this project. In fact, I was thinking it was a waste of time, ineffective, and wasn’t going to help the community.

I also had the feeling fairly often that Dee talked way too much. She chatted on about recipes or her neighbors and I considered it boring.

And I had never said one word.

Wow. She was right. I had not been honest. I had not been reliable, I had kept my thoughts to myself. I was very discouraged about this project, but I still showed up to the meetings. Late.

Who would I be without the thought that Dee should see me in the same light as Maria?

Without the thought that I was no longer a good person, or that because Dee thought I wasn’t a good person in that situation, it meant I wasn’t?

Who would I be right in that moment, when my face turned red, without the belief that I was in danger, that my image crumbling meant that I was hurt?

I might say, after taking it all in….

...”Dee, you are absolutely right. I don’t feel comfortable about this work we’re doing. I’m not happy at all working on this project. I don’t want to ever talk about recipes or the neighbors…I haven’t felt safe enough to be authentic. I apologize for making so many assumptions. I apologize for not ever speaking up.”

Yes, I wasn’t doing my part since I never TOLD THE TRUTH, yes I didn’t communicate effectively, yes I ignored her, yes I was not collaborating at ALL, yes I showed up late and was unreliable, and yes, I was responsible for a bad experience trying to get a community service project underway.

From that day forward, I was real. I showed up. It did not look all pretty and kind and sweet and adorable and dancing butterflies across the meadow.

I never pretend-talked about recipes again. I said I was sorry. I quit the project.

It was light years more efficient.

“In harmony with the Tao, the sky is clear and spacious, the earth is solid and full, all creatures flourish together, content with the way they are, endlessly repeating themselves, endlessly renewed…..The Master views the parts with compassion, because he understands the whole. His constant practice is humility. He doesn’t glitter like a jewel but lets himself be shaped by the Tao, as rugged and common as a stone.” ~ Tao Te Ching #39

Love, Grace

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The Gentle Overcomes The Rigid

This morning a lovely group of inquirers joined together on the phone to begin an 8 week investigation of our relationship with food, eating and our bodies.

Anyone who shows up to do The Work to look at painful beliefs about food and eating, has usually gone through one heck of a lot with dieting, weight, binge eating, starving.

Because there are a lot of tempting, enticing solutions to this problem with food and eating out there that seem a little easier, clearer, or simpler than questioning your beliefs about food.

There are diet books, diet groups, exercise training programs, meal plans, nutrition coaches. 

And many of them are scientifically sound, really balanced “eating” programs, and of course truly awesome people that help. They seem like doing them will offer THE ANSWER we’re looking for.

When I follow that program, or that diet, that activity…I will succeed. My food problem will be eliminated. Finally.

I remember long ago one day, driving my little Honda car given to me by my parents for college graduation (it took me an extra two years to graduate with my bachelors degree because of my violent relationship with food). 

I had done therapy both individually and with my family, I had gone to O.A. (Overeaters Anonymous), I had failed many diets….and I had learned a whole lot. My binge-eating was going down in frequency. Not gone, but I felt better.

I felt the intense craving to eat that afternoon.

I had just been offered a job, after having a very successful interview. But I wasn’t really that happy. I felt scared, like I would make a mistake, like I wasn’t really qualified, like I had tricked them.

I wasn’t even sure I wanted the job. It was a 45 minute commute to drive there. 

I felt fat that afternoon. And trapped. Life with a regular 9-5 job sounded horrible. 

Which is very discouraging. Dang. I thought I had the eating thing under control. I thought it was over. 

As I drove away from that job offer, on the long drive home, visions of where I could stop to get food floated through my mind. I could feel the mounting urgency, and panic, the thought of tipping over into an eating frenzy. 

And then I passed Weight Watchers. A huge building, with a huge sign. It said there was a “special” sale on memberships.

Fifteen minutes later I was calling my parents from the Weight Watchers parking lot and asking to borrow the money to join. They were both on the phone.

There was silence on the other end of the line. 

My dad said, “Weight Watchers? But why now? Aren’t you trying to stop dieting sweetie? It’s not an emergency to join right now, right?”

After a few more minutes of discussion, when I realized they were saying NO, I hung up on them, furious.

I went to the next grocery store and bought a bunch of junk food and started eating through it like it was the last food on earth.

But I knew my parents were right. 

This wasn’t even about food.

You almost have to try at least one food and eating “program” to discover that there is still something unsettled inside you, something deep within, that doesn’t get “fixed” by changing your behavior.

Too bad, right? 

It would have been nice to have the Low Carb diet end all my problems with food, or Weight Watchers, or the South Beach diet. 

But alas…for some of us the programs or diets never quiet seemed to get rid of the difficult relationship with food and eating.

And there is nothing wrong with the programs—they can be awesome, helpful and educational. 

They just didn’t get to the core of the matter for me….my addictive, compulsive THINKING. 

There are solutions for fixing your money, your career, other addictions like alcohol, or your spiritual life….there are numerous programs offered that will help you “get there” to where you want to go.

Recently I heard a wonderful new friend, with experience in this department, say that sometimes, getting set up in a “program” or going on a diet is like mowing the lawn….and there are a lot of dandelions in the lawn. 

When you first mow, all the dandelions get cut, and the grass, and everything looks pretty dang good for a few days. Green and smooth. All cleaned up.

And then the dandelions start poking through, and we know, of course, that under the surface are weeds and roots and tangled up beliefs that we haven’t questioned yet. 

And they start to grow.

So the minute I felt afraid, insecure, and super discouraged about my life….like I did that day with getting a job….then here came the usual distraction.

Food entered in for me as an obsessive solution and problem all at the same time.

But if I could have had the Work at the time, my afternoon might have gone very differently. 

I might have recognized in that moment, when my thoughts were screaming “I have to eat food now!” or “I am trapped!” or “I am in danger” or “It has to go the way I want”….

….that I could PAUSE. 

I could ask if it was absolutely true, in that moment, that I was trapped, or that I absolutely had to eat. 

I might have been able to see that without those thoughts, I could sit still and look around. I could stop. 

I might have been able to question whether I really had to take a job I didn’t want…OR, that I wasn’t good enough to do that job. 

Turning the thoughts around, I could find where it was just as true, or truer, to believe the opposites of them all:

I don’t have to eat anything right now, I am free, I am safe, it is going the way I want. 

What if you held in your heart right now that there is nothing you must do, nothing you need to know that you don’t already have, that your mind is able to question and understand itself?

What if you give up helping yourself altogether, chasing for the right solution, to any problem…not just the “eating” problem?

Mysterious. New. Open.

“The soft overcomes the hard; the gentle overcomes the rigid. Everyone knows this is true, but few can put it into practice. Therefore the master remains serene in the midst of sorrow. Evil cannot enter his heart. Because he has given up helping, he is people’s greatest help. True words seem paradoxical.” ~ Tao Te Ching #78 

Love, Grace