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Valentine’s Day Expectations Hurting You?

cupidheartDuring the month of February, I notice hearts appearing in the grocery store, red shiny boxes near the check-out section, red heart decorations in windows of other businesses, hearts dangling from the ceiling at the gym, at the dance studio, on the doors of the library.

Reminders of LOVE everywhere.

I smile every time and feel kind of giggly, because I feel like a part of a heart tribe somehow….

….like I found my own heart somewhere along my own path of life and it feels so warm and brilliant.

But its not the way it feels for everyone.

Some people look at all the red hearts and feel like they’re missing out, like other people are having fun celebrating love….

….but not them.

Ow.

I can remember this kind of longing coming to mind in the past.

Oddly, it could be there with or without a relationship in my life.

Valentine’s Day is for feeling some kind of love, ecstasy, celebration, swoon….

….and I’m not feelin’ it!

Poor me! Waaaaah! Sad Day!

So if you have some kind of thought that something is “missing” about your love life….

….whether it’s entirely non-existent or just not happening in your current relationship situation….

….pause a moment.

Let’s inquire.

Notice that feeling of absence.

Whenever I felt this, I immediately began to think I needed to do something.

I should find a good partner, I need a better partner than the one I have, this is not true love, being alone is worse than being with someone else, I would be really happy if I were at a fancy romantic dinner with a red rose given to me, being single sucks, having the wrong partner sucks….This. Is. Not. It.

Is it true?

Yeah! I want a romance like my friend Gena! This is not the best it could be!

Yeah! I’m lonely! Being by myself in my apartment is a drag!

Are you absolutely sure? Is it really true?

Even if you say “yes, yes, yes” then keep going.

How do you react when you think something else would be better for you, than what you have, when it comes to romantic love?

Dreaming, longing, imagining, feeling less-than, feeling like a loser, sure there’s something missing.

For some people, it might be very agonizing.

Maybe you sign up for every online dating company out there. You’re hunting for your missing mate.

Maybe you’re resigned to being single and you give up entirely and decide to be content without a partner for eternity.

But who would you be in this moment right now, without any of these thoughts or strategies?

Who would you be without the idea that someone is missing, or you have to have a person around to experience love and romance and ecstasy?

Who would you be without the belief that your current partner isn’t the right partner, or not good enough?

Sometimes people are afraid to imagine this, because they think they’ll get stuck with their current partner forever, or stuck being single forever.

What if THAT wasn’t true?

Could you simply notice the joy and thrill of whatever “romance” is, and having fun imagining a fun story unfolding that involved the happiness of love?

If you turned your stressful beliefs around about red hearts, valentines, love, something-missing, being single, being stuck in a partnership….

….whatever you’re thinking is true that hurts….

….what would that be like?

How would it feel?

I have a good partner (the universe, myself, the person I’m going to meet), I have a brilliant partner right now in this moment, this is true love, being alone is fabulous and thrilling and mysterious, I would not be really happy if I were at a fancy romantic dinner with a red rose given to me (and I could also make that happen), being single is fun, having the wrong partner is fascinating and full of learning….This. Is. It.

Wow.

Do you think you’ll experience some kind of change feeling joyin this moment, no matter what your situation….

….or feeling upset?

“You’re just suffering from the belief that there’s something missing from your life. In reality, you always have what you need…The teacher you need is the person you’re living with.” ~ Byron Katie

What I truly found was that as I did The Work on my past relationships that went sour, and on my single-ness, and on my grabby-addictive times with men, on all partners in all situations that brought on irritation, sadness, abandonment, desperation, unhappiness….

….I feel a complete unattached joy about this moment, now.

And I notice there happens to be the cutest man living in my house to whom I am apparently married.

But really, right in this moment, there’s an empty room with silence and space, and the cutest woman ever.

Me.

Maybe you can find this for yourself, too?

I know you can.

Then you’re so free, it doesn’t matter if you’re celebrating Valentine’s Day or not…it’s so much fun right now, being you, wherever you are.

Love, Grace

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Eating Peace – A Group Can Change Your World

If you're feeling alone, find group support
If you’re feeling alone, find group support

It’s the weekend and I’m having such an amazing time in the Eating Peace In-Person retreat here in Seattle, Washington.

In the middle of the retreat, I thought of how incredible it is to connect with others intimately to explore weirdness with food.
I wish everyone who suffers from eating woes could have the experience of simple support.
There is something unbelievably profound about hanging out in a group of like-minded people all desiring freedom.
It was truly a life-changer for me in my history of changing my relationship with food from horrible to easy.
Back then, every day I would wake up and eat lightly–it seemed easier to avoid food in the morning. I drank coffee. I didn’t feel deep hunger.
Sometime mid-morning I’d begin to feel hungry…and sometimes I’d get something to eat and maybe even enjoy it, especially if I went back to work quickly or was occupied with tasks.
But as the day progressed, the thoughts about food might come swarming in, louder and louder.
I’d be at odds with hunger, fullness, and almost any considerations of food.
I should eat this, I shouldn’t eat that, what did I eat yesterday, will I be eating a dinner later with others, what time is it and is that the right time to eat, will they notice what I’m eating, did I eat too much, could I eat less later, I think I made a mistake, I need to control my behavior, I should have a food plan of some kind, I’m lost, I just want to eat whatever I want!
If I really ate what I thought was wrong, I *HATED* myself.
I mean, I wasn’t just a nag…..I was a total be-och raving lunatic mean girl…..to me. 
 
So of course I would start my morning out starving myself again, and drinking coffee to kick it up a notch and accomplish stuff.
Then one day, in great pain and recognition that this situation wasn’t changing when it was left up to me….
….I called a phone number that listed a “Beyond Dieting” group for emotional eating recovery.
That was my first small, intimate group with about ten women, led by a therapist, and I found out I was not alone, I wasn’t completely mad, and there was hope for me.
What a huge relief.
When I first began connecting with others and being willing to be in contact with the human race, I wasn’t used to group support.
For example, it never even occurred to me to connect until one week when I came in very disappointed with myself for binge-eating again.
The group leader said “you know, Grace, you can call other people in your group during the week if you feel cravings, or you feel lonely.”
Doh!
I avoided contacting others, I wouldn’t call…until the same therapist suggested “How about you actually make a plan to call someone from our group in between weeks EVERY WEEK for a month? And tell us how you’re doing?!”
Seriously?
I have to commit to calling people?
I noticed, I was nervous about what I was going to talk about when I called at first. What will I say? What if I bother them? How will I end the conversation?
But it turned out, even though I was anxious to actually call other people who knew the real me….I did it, and it was the beginning of the end of isolation for me.
I made sincere friends.
They even know about this gross binge-eating, overeating, over-exercising cycle I would get into.
And still they cared.
It was the way out, to be exposed, to share and connect with love.
That group led to another group that wasn’t only for those with eating disorders, but for anyone suffering who needed support….
….and that group led to more groups, discussion groups, meditation groups, study groups, book groups, practice groups, women’s groups.
The people you connect with for deep support can remind you of your true nature, your love, your awareness.
Now….I’m the instigator apparently of people coming together to create peace and healing when it comes to eating food.
Not just for the people here this weekend, but in the online program too. People connect who want to in our little facebook Eating Peace secret group. We share, ask questions, post thoughts.
I’m growing this bigger.
Other people helped me change my life, now I can pass it on.
My message to you today: go to a group meeting if you’re not doing so well all by yourself. Just find something near you.
There’s no shame in it, and there’s love and freedom out there for you.
Twelve step groups, support groups, therapy groups, recovery groups. These groups can bring you to awareness.
Just go, and listen.
Nothing else is required.
“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world; indeed, it’s the only thing that ever has.” ~ Margaret Mead
That’s your world, with food, eating and the body we’re talking about.
You don’t have to do it all alone.
Much love,
Grace
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The Tortoise and The Hare and The Work of Byron Katie

tortoise wins in self-inquiry
              tortoise wins in self-inquiry

Everyone knows the tale of the tortoise and the hare.

The hare is insane fast, like 800 times faster than the ridiculously slow tortoise.

This is not even a real race, says the hare. That guy is soooo slow he’s a retard! I am so fast, I can stop and party, visit other countries, and go way off course and still WIN.

Right?

And we all know the end of the story.

Sometimes, the self-centered mind–the energy of “thinking” about me–can be like that hare.

This past week the Year of Inquiry (YOI) groups met together again. It was the first week of the new month.

When it’s the first week of the month, we begin a brand new topic in YOI (Month 6 is Love Relationships)….

….I walk everyone through finding a specific situation to bring to inquiry, and to write out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet very slowly, like a guided meditation.

I love filling out a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet like this, during the call.

It feels so gentle, thorough, and kind. We look carefully, really giving each other quiet space–and the power of the group energy doing it together.

It’s weird, though, how HARD it can be to fill out a JYN all by yourself, in the middle of your busy life.

Even though you’re actually mulling over an incident, or a troubling moment with someone, or an exchange that bothered you….

….and even though you know there’s this thing called The Work where you can step into a deep inquiry and contemplate WHY something’s bugging you….

….you ignore it, or let it float there above your head calling for attention, or perhaps you think of it in the middle of the night and wake up, now that you slowed down for five minutes.

Well, at least that’s what it’s like for me sometimes STILL.

I don’t even want to talk about what it was like for me when I first started doing The Work.

I wanted the fast version all the time.

Can’t I just turn concepts around in my head while driving my car?

Have you noticed how well that works?

Sometimes it might offer something really curious and interesting, but not exactly life-altering realization.

Unfortunately, no.

The only way I’ve found deep inner awareness through doing The Work is to begin with writing out that JYN.

Judge the HELL out of that person.

It’s kind of refreshing actually.

You get to let your little brat, or your scared controller, or your mousy victim out and let that voice in you speak for once and be taken somewhat seriously.

Why is that voice there? What does it really want? What’s it afraid of? What does it think should or shouldn’t be happening? What does it need in order to be happy?

Over time, the more I look directly, the more compassion and kindness I have towards myself.

So if you have a repetitive, troubling, nagging, irritating experience with someone in your life, and you’ve “tried” doing The Work….here’s what you could do:

Sit down quietly and write for thirty minutes or more, answering every question in the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.

Then pick the ones that seem to have the most charge, or to sum it up the very best, or hit the nail on the head.

Re-write the JYN with only those fewer concepts on it, so it’s more manageable.

The start at the top.

Is it true?

Keep going. You may find freedom on the other side of The Work.

And what could be better than a free, open, wild, peaceful mind?

“First you’ll put your thoughts on paper…then one-by-one put each statement on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet up against the four questions, and then turn around the statement you’re working on. Throughout this process, explore being open to possibilities beyond what you think you know. There’s nothing more exciting than discovering the don’t-know mind. It’s like diving. Keep asking the questions and wait.” ~ Byron Katie

Simple, but not always easy.

If you’ve been frustrated with your self-inquiry, or notice something repeating itself incessantly….

….slooooooowwwwwww down.

(Did you hear my voice getting very low like a digital recording turning into a crazy slow sound? Well, do that with your thinking).

Tortoise wins the race.

Every time.

Love, Grace

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Do You Sometimes Want The Wrong Thing?

Can you make friends with your cravings?
Can you make friends with your cravings?

Have you ever decided you’re NOT GONNA WANT something anymore…

…because it hurts to want it, even if you get it?

One of my favorite all-time topics of human life has been studying, playing with, investigating and exploring “wanting” and “desire”.

In my religious upbringing, it appeared desire for union with God was a good thing, but being to passionate was….

….not so much.

Longing for a boyfriend was considered kinda normal, but also kinda immature. Like, get over it and get on with more meaningful pursuits.

Dreaming of a great career of service, or working for world peace, was super admirable. But you better not let it go to your head or get too high-horse about it.

And of course, craving ice cream, candy, hot dogs, money, liquor, cigarettes, sex or any other feel-good-now thing was STUPID.

Never Do That!!

Heh heh.

Who would you be without the belief that “wanting” something is risky? That you need to be careful if you dream of something, or long for it, or crave it, or feel like reaching out and grabbing it?

When I was in my early 20s, I periodically had these insane binge-eating episodes that I later learned were called bulimia. What a weird thing to do.

I thought I was the sickest screwed up person, I was so ashamed.

I would try really hard NOT to want food….and to just avoid “wanting” altogether.

This battle between moving towards something with all cares to the wind, destructive, violent….

….and being totally and completely contained and tranquil….

….is a very old human story.

Jekyll and Hyde.

What if you just let the wanting exist? What if having desire is a part of being a human on the planet?

What if, instead of being against desire, you could be all for it.

Go, Desire, Go!

If you turned around the belief that desiring is dangerous, disappointing, destructive, leads to no good, and is stupid…

…what would that look like instead?

Desire is safe, satisfying, creative, leads to all good, and is smart.

I can actually see and feel this now with my eating disorder!!

I know it may sound shocking….but what if even off-kilter desire and wanting leads you somewhere you never dreamed of?

Someplace magical, awakened, holy, sacred?

Because that’s how I feel about my past twisted up desires, now.

They did what they needed to do.

What are your desires telling you (or shouting at you)? What do you really want, instead, if they’re hurting in some way?

“You can’t not be in grace. Everything about you is totally absolutely perfectly appropriate. All the things you think are wrong with you are absolutely right.” ~ Tony Parsons 

Who would you be without the belief that your cravings are sick?

You might be less harsh on yourself.

If you’re less harsh on yourself, you might in curious, even fascinated with your cravings. You might notice your cravings are part of reality.

You might notice you’re free.

“You are the teacher you’ve been waiting for.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace

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The Worst That Can Happen is A Thought

Most people have had the thought their body should be different than it is, at some point in their lives.

For some strange reason, I had a funny memory the other day.

It wafted through my mind…and I remembered how much this one “thought” taught me.

I was pregnant with my son.

This was my first baby (he is 20 now) and the whole experience was new, exciting, fascinating and strange.

How bizarre what happens here on planet earth, multiplying, dividing, oneness, separation. Constant falling apart and coming together.

But I digress.

I remember vividly standing in my living room of the cute little house where I lived with my then-husband, looking out the window through the slatted shades to the street, smiling with the bright late spring sun outside and the cool wooden floor beneath my bare feet.

I held my stomach and felt how thick it was on the outside, how round. I could look down and see the big curve.

Then I had a thought.

Wouldn’t it be nice right now to stretch up very tall on my tiptoes, both arms overhead, and suck in my stomach way back towards my spine with a deep inward breath, then let it all out.

Then instantly, realizing it was impossible for now….for weeks ahead, impossible for months….OMG.

A rush of adrenaline flicked through me!

And then….awareness.

If I hope for this right now, in this moment, I will be completely and 100% disappointed. Because that physical body stretch is impossible.

It’s an argument with reality.

I saw it, then I moved away from it, realizing how painful it would be to be to actually believe and spend time feeling that thought.

What thought would you like to move away from?

Why not do it?

If it hurts to believe it….could you drop that idea that you MUST have that experience (even if it’s something so small as stretching your arms up and sucking in your stomach)?

Who would you be without the thought that you’re stuck, or trapped, and things aren’t going well, right now?

For me…completely free.

I dropped the thought, without knowing it was an option until right then at that moment.

And it didn’t mean I didn’t stretch my arms way up in the air, reach up on my tip toes, arch back towards the sky, and suck in my stomach with a huge deep breath and feel the beautiful inward motion of it….very soon after I gave birth, and my body could do it again.

“You’re either attaching to your thoughts and feeling sadness, or investigating. The worst that can happen, now, is a thought.” ~ Byron Katie 

Love, Grace

To Comment on this Grace Note, click HERE. I love hearing from you and read every single one.

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Calendar of Upcoming Courses The Work of Byron Katie

I often don’t email on Sundays.

This is a short and sweet quickie list of coming events since so many have asked.

So if you want to know what classes and programs are rolling out….here they are:

*Eating Peace Online – 12 week intensive – 90 min webinar each week, plus optional Weds live practice sessions 9-10:30 am and 5:15-6:45 pm PT February 22-May 13, 2015 $997

*How To Be A Happy Parent – Mondays 10-11:30 am PT February 23-April 13, 2015 8 week telecourse to investigate your painful moments in parenting, when you wish it was going differently with your kid(s) $395

*Relationship Hell To Heaven – Tuesdays 5:15-6:45 pm PT March 24-May 12, 2015 Bring any troubling relationship to inquiry to find out what’s really true about your painful interactions and give yourself peace $395

*Pain, Sickness and Death – Saturdays 7:30 – 9 am PT February 28-April 18 (no class 3/21 or 3/28) 6 sessions $295

*Seattle In Person Mini Retreat March 7 and/or June 6 1:30-5:30 pm 4 CEUs for mental health professionals The Work of Byron Katie from start to finish $70 ($55 for repeaters)

*Year of Inquiry Deep Practice Group – two openings – 3 telegroups per week, come to one or all 3. Topic changes each month. Share one mind all inquiring and waking up together! Term ends August 2015. $197 per mo plus optional May 29-31 in-person retreat in Seattle

*Breitenbush Hot Springs Annual Summer Retreat to Declare Peace June 24-28, 2015 $395 early bird ($495 after May 1) Fabulous food, nurturing environment, pristine old growth forest and natural silent soaking hot springs. Mind-Body-Freedom. Must call 503-854-3320 to register through Breitenbush. Will sell out.

Hit reply if you have any questions. Can’t wait to see you.

Love,

Grace

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Using Housecleaning For Spiritual Awakening

Feeling a little hostile about house cleaning?
Feeling a little hostile about house cleaning?

Housecleaning Wars.

You know what I’m talkin’ about, right?

He didn’t clean up after himself, they left mugs in the sink, you call that tidying a room (?), they left all the food out, he should have hung up those clothes, she shouldn’t have broken the glass, they should have swept the floor and bought a new box of garbage bags….

….yada yada yada it goes on and on.

You scan the room, you don’t like it.

It should look different than it looks.

Parents often dictate to their kids and have steam coming right out of both ears when the kids don’t do it right, or quickly enough, or at all.

But the other day, I had a very interesting experience.

The Other Side.

As in, I was the one who was seen through critical eyes–the loser who didn’t clean up right.

(Hanging head in shame).

The kitchen was bustling, people were finishing their lunch meals. A large group of 7-10 close friends were in a big private home kitchen.

There were a lot of house rules.

I mean, a lot.

I’m good at rules. I’m exquisite at rules. When there are rule-lists, I keep them (wouldn’t want to be seen as a loser, or disliked for not keeping the rules, afterall)!

I don’t like making trouble. I lean towards the least conflicted way possible.

When I was a kid, it was much faster to take care of the rules, handle the rules, not complain about the rules, do your chores…

…because the consequences of speaking up, arguing, or refusing to pitch in could mean extreme rage or exasperation from my mother.

That was worse than anything. It made me sick to my stomach with anxiety, with the fear of rejection and dismissal.

If I don’t do it well, I’ll be considered Not Good Enough.

So guess what. Of course.

Kitchen is full, lights are on, food is spread, dishes are clanking. I’ve gone to a space in the living room area, lying down, stretching, noticing I’m not hungry yet and can’t imagine eating right then, seeing how my body feels, what it wants to do….

….when, uh oh.

The dreaded worst thing ever.

Someone in the group came all the way over to where I was, looked at me very directly, and said “could you please come help in the kitchen?”

Anxiety, a question mark over my head.

When I finally asked, slightly embarrassed and afraid of the answer, if she thought I wasn’t doing enough, the answer was…..YES.

Yikes. Confirmed criminal. Ugh.

But right in that confirmation….

….who would I be without the belief that being seen critically, being seen as not good enough (no matter what it is, in this case cleaning) is a horrible thing?

I mean, why?

Does everyone need to think I’m a freakin’ genius? Or a brilliant and caring cleaner?

Ha ha!

The identity of ego is so sneaky, so massive. It would get upset at someone else getting upset with me.

It would have a hissy fit and say things inside like “how dare she!” or “the nerve!” or “she should never see me poorly!”

Who would I be without any of this? How would it feel if someone could express their honest opinion, ask a simple question, and I responded honestly?

Turning the thought around: she should ask me to help, she’s right, she can say whatever she wants, I shouldn’t ask me to help (I did this so many times in my life–said yes to something I really wanted to say no to).

In that very moment, without being motivated to please but instead being honest, I could notice my answer might be “no”.

It was also TRUE that I wasn’t helping.

I was separate from everyone else at that moment. My stomach ached a little. I had no interest in eating lunch. I was having a huge internal experience of shifting at a deep level that I couldn’t explain, and I felt slightly frightened and slightly ecstatic.

I wanted at that moment to be out of the room altogether.

It was absolutely true I wasn’t helping in the kitchen!

I had been intently talking to a visitor who was only there for a short while, who had been asking me lots of questions. I was distracted, and off.

Without the belief, entering the turnarounds, I stop the game of believing a crime has been committed, or someone has accused me and it’s terrible, or something’s wrong.

Something’s exactly right.

“So if you want to find out how openness relates to each moment, just go inside. Be that openness. Be that emptiness. All you can do is ask yourself, inquire for yourself. How is it relating to this thought in my head? To this person? To this moment? You can see this. Go directly to the source, to the only authority that is finally liberating: your own awakeness, your own emptiness perceiving this moment. It will teach you how to live.” ~ Adyashanti 

If the one who get adversarial, or wants to prove it’s worthy of being admired, gets involved, then BAM…

…Everything becomes very, very small and imploded into this fighting moment, now.

But without all that…

…even housecleaning wars become a moment to use for spiritual awakening instead of spiritual sleeping.

So lucky, so lucky.

Love, Grace

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Not Enough Time? An Unexpected Place To Find Some

The pull of everyday life can seem *crazy* busy, right?

Common cries of most people are thoughts like these:

  • we’ve got only 15 minutes to get lunch made, kids loaded, breakfast eaten, and get to school on time—-HURRY!
  • I have 102 emails in my Inbox and they need replies
  • my job takes such a huge chunk out of my day, how will I ever have time for meditation, journaling, healing my thoughts, doing The Work, becoming enlightened
  • there are so many requests or demands for my time
  • it would be selfish to focus on myself, or too expensive to focus on myself (I would need to spend money)
  • there’s always something! I “have to” go to the store, do laundry, write, get my project finished, fix something that broke, put out a fire
The underlying view: I DON’T HAVE ENOUGH TIME!!!!!
Such a good one for inquiry.
First…..are you sure it’s true?
OMG Yes!
If I never slept, all would be well. If there were 28 hours in a day, if I could set the clock back ten years, if, if, if…..
You know what that thought feels like when you think it.
You run lists.
Your heart beats fast, you get all squeezed and wound up tight tight tight.
You imagine what will happen if you do NOT take care of the list.
Your imagination runs wild with being late, getting fired, people being unhappy with you, losing money, having a bad future–whether its tomorrow, or your upcoming vacation.
Or, worst of all, you might never ever accomplish your greatest dreams.
They all take TIME.
And you don’t have it.
Disappointment, sadness, rage, irritation, fury, fear, anxiety.
Last night, I was in an airport after a beautiful 4 day retreat with a small group and teacher I work with these days, in a very deeply meaningful study of stillness and silence.
Early in the morning and late in the evening, outside of our small group time together every day, I wrote my Grace Notes and checked emails.
It felt easy and sweet, not a problem.
Hitting the airport, visions of my upcoming Eating Peace retreat came to mind and little to-do’s needing to happen in these final ten days before it occurs.
I need to stick this into the curriculum, get the little papers with questions on them written for that exercise, order notebooks, get a good map for our location, etc.
Although I’m mostly joyful, thrilled (its sold out) and excited to meet everyone coming to the retreat…I had to take a deep breath and remember, this is the real retreat for me, right now.
Right here, in the airport. On the road. In daily life.
If you don’t exactly get there all that easily (I remember lack-of-time freak-outs very well, and I bet you five bucks they happen again) then you are very, very normal.
Consider right now, as you take the time to read this….
….who would you be without the belief that you need more time, for anything? Without the belief running in your mind that you don’t have enough time to follow your dreams or achieve them?
Without the belief that it takes more time to awaken?
Wow. Seriously?
How could that be possible?
Just check.
Who would you be without that idea entering your mind?
“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time–past and future–the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Without the idea of time being necessary, I wouldn’t focus on five minutes from now. I wouldn’t build a story out of my end-of-life, I wouldn’t move into the drama of things-not-done.

I’d kick back on the airplane and close my eyes and feel the pulse of life beating in my veins and the edges of the universe in every direction.

Ha ha!

Just a small thing, no big deal.

And even while I’m doing tasks for coming events, I can remember to feel presence buzzing, now.

You can too!

Turn the thought around: It doesn’t matter what time it is or how late you are or when you get that thing done. It’s OK if you don’t finish. You don’t “have to”, no one is forcing you to do anything.

Remember how funny it is. Laugh when you start thinking you don’t have enough time.

You DO have just the exact right amount of time.

Or maybe YOU don’t have any time, it’s not in your command, so just give up and give in and show up when you do–everything exactly on time at the perfect moment.

Ahhhhhhhhh.

Love, Grace

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Question Suffering, Become Service

helpingpeople
When you question your fear of other people suffering…and find the truth…you may be of brilliant service

When other people are suffering, how do you feel?

Noticing your own response can offer huge revelation to how you react to others….

….and where it might go wrong. 

Wrong….meaning: they hurt, you hurt, and now, no one is at peace.

Let’s do The Work here.

So, someone you love is hurting.

They’re crying, or talking wildly fast with fear and anxiety, or sitting in despair after telling you “I just found out I have cancer.”

Maybe they’re opening up and telling about their road through hellish addiction, or confessing their truth about wrong-doing, or the torture they feel about their kids, spouses or financial situation.

Or one of the worst fears: a person you care about is so unhappy, they threaten suicide.

Whew.

A lot of us are trained or conditioned to worry immediately when someone else is troubled.

How DO you react when you believe its a bad, bad thing that someone is suffering?

Do you go ballistic trying to save them?

You call professionals, you check in with them daily, your energy moves out into wondering how they are constantly, or where they are, if they’re alive, are they OK.

Do you feel terror, sadness, panic or awful grief yourself?

Hand-wringing, hand-wringing.

Many years ago, I got a job working on an academic research project where I needed to go interview patients in their homes who were on hospice care (meaning, they were terminally ill) and ask them questions about their pain, their depression and their quality of life.

The first person I visited happened to be a woman only a few years older than I was, who was dying of breast cancer.

I was a perfect stranger with a laptop, coming over and asking her many personal questions about how she felt, how frightened she was, if she felt cared for from day to day.

She openly answered all of them.

When I left and went to my car, I sat a moment in the parking lot and wept.

Over the weeks, months, and years ahead, I got far more comfortable spending time with people on hospice. I learned of all kinds of diseases from hundreds of cancers to congenital heart failure to Lou Gehrig’s (ALS) disease and made friends with people who had them all, visiting them every week.

All those friends died.

Who would you really, really be without the belief that this other person’s suffering is scary, or difficult, or you need to quick do something to help them? Who would you be without the thought that their dying, or hurting (even emotionally) means anything about you?

I know it’s very weird to imagine this belief.

But it can be incredibly liberating to sit with someone in pain and not feel pain yourself.

Because let’s face it….you don’t.

“Hurt feelings or discomfort of any kind cannot be caused by another person. No one outside me can hurt me. That’s not a possibility. It’s only when I believe a stressful thought that I get hurt. And I’m the one who’s hurting me by believing what I think.” ~ Byron Katie

This includes in situations where someone else is in a state of great distress, emotionally or physically.
Without the belief that it means something personally about you, and it’s frightening….

….you might be more compassionate, more connecting, more close to those people.

You might have a very, very wide open mind that knows nothing about this person’s predicament, and you show up in service without avoiding, without giving advice, without trying to change them.

Including, not trying to keep them alive or fix all their troubles.

(I tried to do this as a parent. It doesn’t work.)

I don’t know about you, but when people have just sat with me and listened quietly, without being frightened, without panicking, without giving me any advice….

….it’s felt like heaven.

Turning the thoughts around: if someone is suffering, it is not scary, it isn’t bad, bad, bad, it’s not so dreadful, its the way of it right at that moment.

How could this be as true, or truer?

This isn’t to deny the reality of physical pain, sickness, decay or traumatic life experiences….

….just noticing how dang normal these are.

They happen everyday!

Where did we get the idea they shouldn’t? Who thought that up?

Turning the thoughts around again: if I am suffering, its not scary, it isn’t so bad, bad, bad, it’s not so dreadful, its the way of it at this moment.

Sorrow or grief wells up, I feel fear, but if I stay with it, I notice it changes, it morphs.

It crashes like a wave on the sand and recedes.

It falls back into silence….just like everything else, without thought.

“When you approach the edges you feel insecurity, jealousy, fear, or self-consciousness. You pull back, and if you are like most people, you stop trying. Spirituality begins when you decide that you’ll never stop trying. Spirituality is the commitment to go beyond, no matter what it takes.” ~ Michael Singer

Stay with those you love who are suffering.

Question you can’t handle it, or they can’t.

Notice how you both can.

“The further one goes, the less one knows.” ~ Tao Te Ching 

Love, Grace

Posted on

Three things to consider if The Work isn’t working

What if The Work isn't working?
What if The Work isn’t working?

Several people have written to ask me lately….

….what do I do if The Work isn’t really working?

They’ve explained that they’ve done The Work over and over again on the same person, or they feel continually depressed, or they’ve got a terrible addiction like eating or drinking or smoking, or they hate their situation-job, spouse, marriage, home, kids, finances, spiritual.

They’ve done The Work, many times even, and have No Results.

“What do I do now?” they ask.

If you’re someone who’s had this despairing question…

…I don’t know what exactly is happening, but I can tell you what’s been true in my experience when I’ve had this question myself.

It’s one of THREE possibilities, every time, when I have the same belief or troubling experience repeat itself again in my life.

1) Even though I say or “think” I’ve been doing The Work, I haven’t been….not really.

It’s been more like I’ve been finding turnarounds in my head while driving my car, or I’ve been wondering for a few minutes who I would be without my stressful belief and coming up with a blank, or I’ve started worksheets and never finished them.

I really haven’t started from zero, filled a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet out very, very slowly and with care and contemplation to get the best thoughts down on paper, and then gone through each thought one by one.

It’s sooooooo hard!

Isn’t there a shortcut or something?

Um. Not really.

The Work IS the shortest shortcut.

2) I’ve had a really sneaky, deep, and desperate underlying motive.

Like I’m clawing for solid ground, I just want a fear-free answer, a place of peace NOW!!

This means, when you start doing The Work you might have a “plan” on where you’ll end up (blissful) or what will happen (magic, joy, happiness) after you question your thinking.

You are refusing to tolerate the depth of despair, depression or loss.

You’re against suffering….

….so you can’t allow yourself to see something True for you, because you believe it hurts (you forgot you could do The Work on THAT pain as well).

You try to use The Work to bypass the pain, and get to the good part ASAP.

It’s so normal to try to feel better, but if you’re trying to whistle in the dark, there will be a fake feeling….

….even just a teensy bit of a fake feeling….

….and you won’t fall to your knees, with the Truth rising above all else.

(As I said, that’s the way its been for me-if it works for you to try to be positive like saying affirmations or eliminating your “negative” thoughts, then go for it!)

3) Lastly, something or someone is repeatedly bugging me or triggering sorrow because I haven’t gotten to the very root core of my inquiry (yet).

I thought I was “done” with that.

But no.

Sorry, Charlie.

You just lost, again. You were just betrayed, again. You were just criticized, again. You were ambushed, again. You were conned, again. You shouldn’t have trusted, again. You should have trusted, again. You shouldn’t have loved, again. You missed out, again. You got scared, again.

Sigh.

Be very, very gentle with yourself.

How do you know you’re supposed to be right in the middle of what you’re feeling, thinking, hearing, seeing, doing, or experiencing?

You are.

A brief story:

After two years of doing The Work myself, very intently after it was introduced into my life, this very question rose up for me one day in a really deep look at someone I was so pissed off at, I could hardly see straight.

“This guy was such a jerk!” I thought.

Arrrrrrgggghhhhh!

I HATED him. I hated myself for trying to be friends with him, and going back for more interactions.

I hated myself for hating him.

Surely, I wasn’t seeing something?

My mind must be twisted and ridiculous. There must be something wrong with me. I needed to do The Work MORE on this guy, I was so disturbed in his presence. 

I raised my hand at an event with Byron Katie and asked “I’m doing The Work many times on this one person I find so disturbing, and I’m still furious!”

Katie replied, “How do you know you’re supposed to be angry? You are!”

Oh.

Wow.

I’ve been working this whole time with an underlying motive that I should be “loving what is” about everyone at all times, including this obnoxious screwed up mentally ill person.

Almost immediately, my objection to this person and his words and behaviors, completely shifted.

That was THE WAY HE WAS. The way of it.

I was not in control of this situation. I was not the ruler of the universe, including all the self-criticism I had of ME for feeling HATE.

This would not change, just like the weather.

I could rage and scream at myself (and him) and the storm clouds, and have a hissy fit every time it rained…

…or I could calm down, and take good care of myself, and pursue what I really wanted.

I was free.

I was suddenly no longer angry.

I was simply clear that I really didn’t want to interact with him in the way I had, and I was instantly so very grateful for everything he had ever said and done.

I understood.

That was the last time I ever did The Work on that person, and every time I think of him, I really do now smile-I had some of the most amazing learning experiences of my life in the presence of that person.

“In The Way, nothing is personal. You are merely an instrument in the hands of the forces, participating in the harmony of balance. You must reach the point where your whole interest lies in the balance and not in any personal preference for how things should be. It’s that way with all of life. The more you can work with the balance, the more you can just sail through life. Effortless action is what happens when you come into the Tao. Life happens, you’re there, but you don’t make it happen. There is no burden, there is no stress. The forces take care of themselves as you sit in the center. That is the Tao. It’s the most beautiful place in all of life. You can’t touch it, but you can be at one with it.” ~ Michael Singer

Love, Grace