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Yesterday when I was facilitating in the Parenting teleclass, I heard the lovely step-mom say some familiar words:

“But I know this is really me and my need to change. I am the grown up, I should pull myself together….I already know this isn’t about anyone else.”

Now, that’s basically got an element of truth about it.

It all comes back to us.

We ourselves are the only ones who can actually change. It doesn’t work so much to wish, demand or force someone else to….whether we do it aggressively or more quietly in the background.

It definitely hurts when you’re hoping for someone or something to get better–even your own kids.

You know this, and you wind up feeling bad about yourself almost more than them.

However. 

There’s a trouble spot in this line of thinking.

At worst, it’s called self-hate.

At best, it’s called constructive self-criticism.

But do you notice the deeply stressful thoughts?

I need to change. I did it wrong. I lost my temper. I felt furious. I felt sad. I cried. I got upset. I felt competitive. I was nervous. I shouldn’t act like that. I need improvement. I should be more loving. I should be better.

What if you stopped with that line of thinking….and inquired more deeply into this idea?

Is it really true that you’re doing it badly? Are you sure you need to improve?

Don’t say “yes” so fast!!!

I know the feeling is strong. It’s maybe why you’re interested in doing The Work in the first place.

You’ve got a way of reacting you don’t like, when it comes to your kids, or your eating, or your boss, or money, or your career, or your life.

But instead of attacking yourself for being that way….

….a form of self-hate….

….who would you be, if you stopped insisting you’re wrong?

What if you really used this tough exchange with someone as a wild and learning-filled journey? A practice?

Who would you be without the belief you’re screwed up?

Without the belief that you should have felt something different when you had that exchange with your kid (or whoever) and it would have been better to remain calm?

It’s over now, and it happened.

So now, reflecting back on it, you get to learn with open arms what was going on that brought out your reaction.

And what could be better than discovering a deeper part of you, a part that was buried and needed to come out?

“The thought that life should be different than the way it is now is based on the notion that our peace and well-being is dependent on something happening, on some change. Controlling present situations is a way of trying to bring about peace and contentment later.” ~ Scott Kiloby

What if you turned your ideas about yourself and your need to be different around to the opposite, to try that on for a change?

You should be exactly how you’ve been, so far.

You should not change. Your peace does not depend on you getting rid of your bad thoughts, or fixing your feelings, or being a “better” parent, or doing things differently.

Weird, right?

But when I sit with this, I notice the shame and guilt dissolving. I notice an ease….then even laughter starting to appear.

I notice I’m a regular human, with normal human reactions. And I’m learning, slowly but surely, how these feelings and reactions and activities and behaviors are not ALL of me.

A funny thing happened for me when I relaxed and opened up to what might be OK about me not changing when it came to my rotten temper, or my sour moods, or my low confidence.

Even though that still sounds a little cray-cray.

(Really? NOT try to change? Isn’t that kind of pompous, or dangerous, or snooty or something?)

No.

Because what happened when I stopped that whole self-improvement self-hate cycle was actual change. 

Doh!

“What we are doing in awareness practice is experiencing that who we are is not the self-hating social conditioning. Who we are is the conscious, compassionate awareness that is our essential nature. As we learn to live more from essence, we grow to realize that it is our opportunity, our joy, and our delight to embrace into unconditional love and acceptance all that suffers.” ~ Cheri Huber

Love, Grace

P.S. Relationship Hell to Heaven Class March 23–evening hours Pacific Time (once per year) 5:15-6:45 Tuesdays, 8 weeks. Your most important relationship will improve through this work….the one you have with yourself. Hit reply if you have questions or are interested.

Desire.

One of the great dilemmas in my life, something I used to fight, or fall into like drowning.

The way I once felt about desire was that it must be controlled, very carefully approached, and hopefully extinguished like a campfire getting put out with five buckets of water.

And yet.

Did I really hope to turn out the light of desire forever?

When I used to binge-eat, or smoke, or drink in my early twenties, or fantasize….

….I thought of all these activities as terrible, escapist, wrong, shameful.

I went to lots of therapists trying to dig out the dark festering parts, and squash the desire.

But here’s the strangest unexpected surprise.

When I found the way to question what I was thinking, and see if it was really true, I stopped having such a terrified feeling about myself and my urges, cravings, impulses or desires.

I once listened to a recording of Byron Katie facilitating a man through his beliefs about attraction. He admitted attraction to his own sister.

Most of us might find that horrifying. And so did he.

I could hardly believe he let himself be recorded.

And yet, as I listened, I realized he was allowing his innermost shame to come to the surface and be seen.

Without suppressing, controlling, and attacking himself for being so awful, he could study what he was feeling, with compassion.

Who would you be, right now, without the belief that you have something terrible inside of you that needs to be either cut out, or destroyed, or suppressed, or hidden?

What if you let whatever’s there….be there?

What if you just let go of the thought that you might be bad for others or bad for yourself?

What would you act like, feel like, be like if you had respect for everything you felt, thought, and desired?

I know, as I became friendly with my own desires and cravings, even in the long distant past (like when I had a raging eating disorder) looking back….

….I became friendly with my own mind.

Turning these thoughts around: my desires, cravings, or what I wanted was NOT evil, did not need to be controlled, was not something to be destroyed.

These feelings were to be brought forward, not hidden.

Wow.

I found, exposing my desires had so many advantages.

It made me normal, a regular human, it created intimacy through the honesty admitted, it created a place for true investigation, for understanding, for connection.

No longer cast out like a sick person, to be locked in jail.

Instead….following my desires, acting on my desires, studying my desires created transformation.

Freedom.

Take that one step to stop pushing your desire down. Find out what you really want. Write about it. See what you think is missing. Study this idea. Question your thinking.

“When the resistance is gone, so are the demons.” ~ Pema Chodron

Love, Grace

The other day I had a little tantrum.

I know its hard to believe. (ha ha).

It was on the inside.

A friend told me how she was cutting someone else we both knew out of her life.

Like going on a gluten-free diet, she was going on a diet eliminating this other friend (someone I knew, but barely).

I said nothing.

My first reaction….A little nervous, but justifying the idea quickly.

OK.

Everyone gets to hang out with whomever they want to hang out with. People do that to each other all the time, right?

Who am I to say “you shouldn’t cut someone out of your life, you should use your irritation as an opportunity to connect, resolve something, learn something about yourself, work it out with this other person.”

But I noticed on the inside, I was thinking these things.

I remembered I had another friend once….

….who really reminds me of this current friend come to think of it….

….who was queen of chopping people out of her life.

And then she chopped ME out of her life one day.

At the time, I felt shocked.

But I suppose it wasn’t all that surprising since that’s what she did when she was threatened, or nervous, or unhappy with someone, or felt judged or rejected.

Oh boy, though.

I could feel the inner turmoil that showed it was time for me to do The Work.

“She shouldn’t kick someone out of her life”.

Is that true?

Yes! Of course its true! It’s mean, abrasive, attacking, and clickish!

Um. OK….come on back to inquiry now.

Are you sure? Is it absolutely true she shouldn’t kick someone out?

No. There’s a time and place for no contact occasionally with people. It seems to work better, or be the only solution for awhile.

Like baking soda and vinegar, sometimes two things together make for an explosion.

How did I react when I believed that thought?

As I considered this, I realized I held back my own opinion. I was terrified of being kicked out myself. I smiled fake-ish. I judged her without telling her.

I wasn’t real!

Wow, that all happened so fast, I almost didn’t catch how my own anger and irritation and judgment actually covered over fear.

Fear of rejection.

So who would I be without the belief that she shouldn’t kick people out of her life?

An amazing answer came forward, after contemplating this question.

I’d speak up.

I’d say, “Wow….that’s a big step. I feel a little frightened of the whole kicking-out-cutting-off thing you’re telling me about. I feel sad hearing this news. I feel like pulling away from you, I’m feeling uncomfortable. I’m anxious about being rejected myself.”

Yikes!

I turned the thought around: she should kick someone out of her life.

Well, that’s what she was doing. It really was her business.

But more importantly, I shouldn’t kick HER out of my life.

Which is what I was doing when I didn’t speak up, and let her know I felt uncomfortable about her report. Maybe if I spoke up, there would have been a greater opportunity for resolve, or understanding.

Another turnaround: I shouldn’t kick myself out of my life.

I’ve done this over and over again.

But especially sitting there in that moment with my friend, who I really do love, I didn’t share my true self, my true regrets and concerns about her plan.

I went right along with what appeared to be the easy way, and kicked out a real part of me feeling worried about rejection.

Now….I know a conversation I need to have soon….to connect, show up, stay in contact, express how I really felt then and feel now.

“How do you react when you think you need people’s love? Do you become a slave for their approval? Do you live an inauthentic life because you can’t bear the thought that they might disapprove of you? Do you try to figure out how they would like you to be, and then try to become that, like a chameleon? In fact, you never really get their love. You turn into someone you aren’t, and then when they say “I love you,” you can’t believe it, because they’re loving a facade. They’re loving someone who doesn’t even exist, the person you’re pretending to be. It’s difficult to seek other people’s love. It’s deadly. In seeking it, you lose what is genuine. This is the prison we create for ourselves as we seek what we already have.” ~ Byron Katie

Love, Grace