Yesterday when I was facilitating in the Parenting teleclass, I heard the lovely step-mom say some familiar words:
“But I know this is really me and my need to change. I am the grown up, I should pull myself together….I already know this isn’t about anyone else.”
Now, that’s basically got an element of truth about it.
It all comes back to us.
We ourselves are the only ones who can actually change. It doesn’t work so much to wish, demand or force someone else to….whether we do it aggressively or more quietly in the background.
It definitely hurts when you’re hoping for someone or something to get better–even your own kids.
You know this, and you wind up feeling bad about yourself almost more than them.
However.
There’s a trouble spot in this line of thinking.
At worst, it’s called self-hate.
At best, it’s called constructive self-criticism.
But do you notice the deeply stressful thoughts?
I need to change. I did it wrong. I lost my temper. I felt furious. I felt sad. I cried. I got upset. I felt competitive. I was nervous. I shouldn’t act like that. I need improvement. I should be more loving. I should be better.
What if you stopped with that line of thinking….and inquired more deeply into this idea?
Is it really true that you’re doing it badly? Are you sure you need to improve?
Don’t say “yes” so fast!!!
I know the feeling is strong. It’s maybe why you’re interested in doing The Work in the first place.
You’ve got a way of reacting you don’t like, when it comes to your kids, or your eating, or your boss, or money, or your career, or your life.
But instead of attacking yourself for being that way….
….a form of self-hate….
….who would you be, if you stopped insisting you’re wrong?
What if you really used this tough exchange with someone as a wild and learning-filled journey? A practice?
Who would you be without the belief you’re screwed up?
Without the belief that you should have felt something different when you had that exchange with your kid (or whoever) and it would have been better to remain calm?
It’s over now, and it happened.
So now, reflecting back on it, you get to learn with open arms what was going on that brought out your reaction.
And what could be better than discovering a deeper part of you, a part that was buried and needed to come out?
“The thought that life should be different than the way it is now is based on the notion that our peace and well-being is dependent on something happening, on some change. Controlling present situations is a way of trying to bring about peace and contentment later.” ~ Scott Kiloby
What if you turned your ideas about yourself and your need to be different around to the opposite, to try that on for a change?
You should be exactly how you’ve been, so far.
You should not change. Your peace does not depend on you getting rid of your bad thoughts, or fixing your feelings, or being a “better” parent, or doing things differently.
Weird, right?
But when I sit with this, I notice the shame and guilt dissolving. I notice an ease….then even laughter starting to appear.
I notice I’m a regular human, with normal human reactions. And I’m learning, slowly but surely, how these feelings and reactions and activities and behaviors are not ALL of me.
A funny thing happened for me when I relaxed and opened up to what might be OK about me not changing when it came to my rotten temper, or my sour moods, or my low confidence.
Even though that still sounds a little cray-cray.
(Really? NOT try to change? Isn’t that kind of pompous, or dangerous, or snooty or something?)
No.
Because what happened when I stopped that whole self-improvement self-hate cycle was actual change.
Doh!
“What we are doing in awareness practice is experiencing that who we are is not the self-hating social conditioning. Who we are is the conscious, compassionate awareness that is our essential nature. As we learn to live more from essence, we grow to realize that it is our opportunity, our joy, and our delight to embrace into unconditional love and acceptance all that suffers.” ~ Cheri Huber
Love, Grace
P.S. Relationship Hell to Heaven Class March 23–evening hours Pacific Time (once per year) 5:15-6:45 Tuesdays, 8 weeks. Your most important relationship will improve through this work….the one you have with yourself. Hit reply if you have questions or are interested.