Many years ago as a very young woman, I sat in a 12 step meeting crying.
I was speaking about how horrible I was, how disgusting I felt, how I didn’t think I could go on, how it was all me and my rotten-to-the-core attitude. My eating was out of control. I smoked in between eating.
Ugh.
I had been depressed for what felt like a very long time (several years) and full of anxiety.
Then someone passed me a note.
Inside there were two words, and they were kind of intense….
….but shockingly true.
“Negative Grandiosity”.
It was a little bit of hard tough love, but one of the most wonderful, profound and helpful notes I ever received in my life, and it was from a complete stranger.
Join me on my facebook live where I share a short unedited video about the stressful belief “I’m the worst person in the world” or the equally painful “this is all my fault”….
….and I mention this powerful story from my past that helped me stop the track I was following.
If it’s stressful, it’s worth questioning.
Click HERE to follow along with this inquiry on yourself, and how harsh the thought can be. (Scroll down until you see the video with me in my kitchen).
When we experience compulsive behavior or obsessive or addictive activity, it’s usually not so pretty. However you want to call it, you know what I’m talking about–when you feel like you go into a trance of craving and consuming.
We feel swirling discomfort, intense emotions, swarming feelings.
Often the feelings stand out. Not the thoughts.
It’s like the thoughts become so distant, you can hardly remember what they were. They went by at the speed of lightening.
The primary thing we notice is FEELING.
When we’re full of feelings…especially conflicted ones…oh boy watch out.
We act pretty crazy.
I started eating as soon as I had the chance, and stuffed in food without caring what it felt like in my body. All I wanted was to eat, and eat. I had a panicked or angry feeling often, or a depressed feeling, and eating seemed to be the best way to express it.
It seemed like there was no thought at all. Almost like my mind was taken over by some kind of hungry ghost, or a zombie.
The thing is…when we slow down enough to wonder what we ARE thinking…it’s not completely vacant.
I began to find thoughts that were very stressful that happened first. Thoughts that scared, angered, frustrated and saddened me.
Many of us have heard of the idea of the “order of creation” in human behavior (I first heard about it used in Education Research looking at children’s learning abilities and behavior).
It looks like this: THINK – FEEL – ACT – HAVE
We usually see best the LAST point: What we have. Our results can’t be denied. We’re heavy, sick, unhealthy, hopeless, small, shrunken, unhappy.
We can also see how we act for the most part: eating, purging, over-exercising, under-exercising, stuffing, grazing, hunting for food, fixated on pleasure so that we’re out buying food.
We definitely can feel our suffering. We’re conflicted and confused. We sometimes have strong clear feelings about our life depending on the situation, but we often feel push-pull and love-hate towards many things including food and eating and our bodies, and full of both despair and hope. It’s all over the place!
And the thinking? Like I said, I wouldn’t even know consciously what was bugging me by the time I was eating. It was voided out by the compulsion.
The thing that helped most in my entire life to become more clear about this order of creation?
Admitting, identifying, clarifying what I was really thinking about situations in my life that caused troubled feelings.
Because then, I could question these thoughts.
When I questioned these thoughts, my feelings changed all on their own.
Here in my video today, I share about the way this process often went for me and how I replaced my original thoughts with thoughts about eating, and how much suffering that created (and I couldn’t seem to get out of it until I investigated more closely).
The empty Goldilocks Cottage after all the beautiful people have gone to their next chapter, their next adventure after retreat. The circle is here, still full of the love, kindness, intimacy. Beautiful voices, and now equally beautifully silence. Thank you world.
What a remarkable time in retreat for the past 3 days. A beautiful group of inquirers, coming from far and wide, several of whom joined literally the night before.
Funny how things work out. We wound up being full….Or, we could have added one more, but close enough.
Five days before the retreat, I thought we needed to double the number, and one person canceled. The attendance was going in the WRONG direction.
Oh no! This is bad!
It’s fascinating the way things unfold. We’ll think we want it to go like X, but it goes like Y. We want that person to say A but they say B. We despair because we received Q and we thought we needed R. We wait for C but only D appears.
And this is only when it comes to uncomfortable outcomes.
We can also have preconceived ideas, plans, or expectations and get pleasantly surprised. We then feel excited, or good, or delighted, or thrilled.
I thought it would be E but it was F. WOW!! Good news! I am so lucky! Fantastic!
The thing is, with either one of these perspectives and how it happens to unfold (“good” or “bad”)….
….I use a certain outcome to make me happy, or make me sad.
In both situations, I’m hanging on the Way It’s Gone to mean I feel good, or I feel bad.
Holy Smokes.
That’s putting myself in a pretty dependent place. It matters very deeply the way it goes. I’m a victim to the way Reality moves. Good or Bad.
No wonder I’ve gotten so nervous, worried, hand-wringing anxious, upset, troubled or less-than-relaxed in the past when it comes to something like a retreat happening.
I’ll be happy if it’s full (or almost full). I’ll be disappointed if it isn’t.
We can do The Work on this very powerful awareness, that the outcome can be “good” or “bad” to any situation, anywhere, ever.
Find one you can relate to. You’ll be really happy if it goes like Y. You’ll be unhappy if it goes like X.
Job interviews, relationship commitments, divorce, marriage, illness, a diagnosis, moving to a new place, making money, traveling somewhere, a court sentence, a major decision, buying something, trading for something, a law passing, a voting outcome, selling something, enrolling in something, hosting an event.
There’s an outcome that’s good. There’s another outcome that’s bad.
Let’s do The Work.
Whatever happens, there’s a good way for this to go, and a bad way. In my case, the retreat should be full. It shouldn’t be sparsely attended.
Ten days before this retreat, I had the image of working with only two people for the entire 2.5 days. It wouldn’t be worth it. I’d lose money. It wouldn’t be fun. It wouldn’t be rewarding like so many retreats are. I should have…..Breitenbush should have….This is too hard and impossible.
Images of all this in my head.
Disappointment. Frustration.
Is it true it will go that disappointing way?
Am I sure it would be “bad” if there were only two people and the images came true?
Am I sure it’s terrible if I hear a difficult diagnosis, learn about a change of plans, receive surprising information, all those things on my “bad” list….can I be absolutely sure they would be bad, if they happened?
Woah. NO.
Many tough things have happened, and with self inquiry–even prior to knowing The Work–those events shaped me in some deeply powerful ways. They were useful. For all I know, they were required.
I really can’t know if it’s bad when something happens, even when I’m believing it is.
I can’t know at all if working with two people would be wrong, awkward, difficult, a loss. And beyond that, I don’t even know if I will in fact only have two people.
Turns out I didn’t.
How do you react when you believe it needs to go like X in order for you to be happy?
OMG.
If the stakes are high, the anxiety is through the roof. I’m doing everything I can to push, force, cajole, make the thing go the way I want.
I pray, I wish, I hope. I want “Reality” to go MY WAY. If it does, it means I’m favored. If it doesn’t, it means I’m unlucky or did something wrong, or thought something wrong.
I see images of all the bad ways it could go. I see images of all the good ways it could go. I vote for the good ways, only.
Maybe I feel desperate.
But who would you be without this dreadful story that something must go the way you see it needs to go in order to be happy?
BOINGGGG.
It’s almost like a cartoon frying pan hitting the mind. Something stops. Like….what??!
You mean….? if I didn’t think Y was better than X or B was better than A?
Who would I be without the belief I should have a certain number of people in this upcoming retreat weekend? Who would I be without the belief it will be bad if there’s only two?
What if I just really didn’t know what was best for myself, for the world, for the other people, for reality, for the universe?
(I notice, I couldn’t possibly know).
Without the thought there’s a good way for this to go….I find my sense of humor. I am filled with wonder and what this will be like. I’m excited to see what happens. I’m aware I’m not in charge of reality (LOL). I do what excites me in the moment, with a feeling of joy.
Without the belief, I write about the upcoming weekend. I share my thrill of The Work. I write to a few people I know who might be interested, or know others who are. I feel like this is a fabulous game, a fun challenge, an adventurous wager. And I rest and attend to other things as well. I relax.
The feeling in the body, without knowing how anything will unfold and yet trusting I’ll roll with it, however it goes, is sooooo brilliant and restful, awake and buzzingly alive all at once. Oooh, hands clapping. The future is a discovery.
Turning the thought around: If it goes that “bad” way…it will be fantastic! (In my case, two people for 2.5 days).
AMAZING. This could be so true! I’d get close, intimate, deep connection with two very sincere inquirers. What a gift. We’d go far, wide, and thorough. I’d have fewer supplies and papers and notebooks to organize, and snacks, and tea. We’d get to do things impossible for a larger group.
I see examples of life going “badly” and how each one of these events or experiences has brought such awe-inspiring insights to my life: cancer, divorce, losing all my money, losing my house, getting betrayed or cut off. All of it. From ALL OF IT I received gifts.
Turning the thought around again: Only in my thinking does it mean something “bad”. Only in my mind is there bad and good.
“Whatever it takes for you to find your freedom, that’s what you’ve lived. Not one ingredient more or less….You go with inquiry into darkness, and find only light. And now you can see, even when you’ve been to the depths of hell, that’s all that was ever there, ever.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
Turns out, in this situation, what was necessary for me, for others, for this past weekend in the little Goldilocks cottage in Lake Forest Park, Washington was a full last-minute group of incredible people coming from remarkably long distances to sit together, dance together, inquire together, laugh together, cry together, listen to poetry together and discover abundance and love together while questioning our thinking.
At least, this is my story.
But I know, it isn’t really True.
And it’s Absolutely True.
The greatest gift is loving the way it goes.
(Which doesn’t mean I have to like it).
Except for my mental pictures, my thoughts, my imaginings, my anticipations, my regrets, my ideas about right and wrong, the way I say “my” here for this list….
….I love exactly what happened.
I care for the way it went, and for every person, the furniture in the room, the weather (which was pure sunshine, strangely enough, for the past three days), the questions I received, the thoughts I experienced, the gorgeous eyes, smiles, the curiosity I saw, the feelings appearing and fading away, the intensity, the fear, the joy I witnessed, the dear faces of every single person I encountered in the past three days (and EVER).
Every person showing up for me. They are me. I can relate to everything they shared. And a deep profound care for them, and all things.
These upcoming 3 days our focus will be on relationships.
Oh my, there are a few stressful thoughts about relationships with others, are there not?
she doesn’t care about me (sister)
he doesn’t like me (neighbor)
she refuses to talk to me (mother)
they hate me (people of another culture or political party or football team)
he never gives me any credit (boss)
she doesn’t promote me (manager)
he’s too sensitive (former boyfriend)
she’s a liar (former friend)
he talks too much (co-worker)
she never does anything around the house (child)
And this is barely a scratch on the surface of the thoughts we have about difficult, disappointing or infuriating relationships.
The other day, an inquirer worked with me during a skype session on his fear of speaking up to his cousin during a recent family gathering.
The cousin in question had started talking about who he voted for, with gusto. He made some wise cracks at the feast table about those “other people” who voted NOT his way.
The guy inquiring had said nothing.
“What were your thoughts that prevented you from speaking up in a thoughtful way?” I asked.
He replied that he didn’t think he would be ABLE to speak up in a thoughtful way. It was either going to be anger, or fume to himself in silence.
Why?
Because the cousin speaking would have been super hurt and upset, if this inquirer had said anything.
Concept: that person will be hurt if I tell the truth.
I love this inquiry. It’s shown up…oh…about fifteen thousand times in my life.
I can’t say anything, because that other person will be crushed! They’ll run out of the room! They’ll never speak to me again! They’ll cry! They’ll turn red! It will be my fault! They’ll break up with me!
Under these conditions in the mind, believing what we’re thinking….who wouldn’t be silent, rather than speak up?
Smart choice.
Unless…you have The Work.
Let’s question this very stressful circumstance and belief.
Can you find a situation where someone is telling, saying, doing, gesturing, being a certain way…and you’d like to make a request, even a kind request, that they stop, or say you don’t like it, or tell them you disagree, or say no?
Picture that situation.
What’s the worst that could happen, if you speak up?
I did a piece of work on this once, where I genuinely had the vision that if the other person really knew what I thought and I shared it….they’d start drinking again (or kill themselves).
Yikes. I had such a strong sense of them feeling horrible about themselves already. I needed to walk on eggshells lest they do away with themselves for good and lose all their sobriety, because they made some kind of mistake. I needed to help boost their spirits. I needed to keep them positive. Or I needed to get away so I didn’t disturb them.
Oh such stressful and hard work being in someone else’s business like that.
So let’s do The Work.
Is it true that person will be hurt if you tell the truth?
Yes! They already have a heart attack if anyone looks at them funny.
Are you absolutely sure? Can you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is true if you tell the truth, they’ll be terribly hurt?
No.
If you said “yes” you could imagine the worst case scenario, like them committing suicide (my vision of an old boyfriend long ago). They would do it because you spoke the truth….are you sure that’s true?
No. I really can’t know it’s because I spoke up that they freaked out.
There were many factors involved. There was a ton of history. There were parts of his life I had nothing to do with–he had his own path. I was not the end-all be-all for that boyfriend. It would have been weird if I was.
How do you react when you believe that if you tell the truth, they’ll be hurt?
I imagine them screeching away in their car in anger, or fear. I say “good riddance!” and then feel terrified with “Oh No!” I want to race after them. I want to run in the opposite direction. Everything conflicted.
I want them to show me they’re OK, or they like me, to smile at me, to give me assurance. If I say a little bit of the thing I’m upset about, I want them to look like they’re open to hearing more, and not disturbed and yet taking it seriously. It’s all so tense, with so much at stake. It’s as if we’re in a peak negotiation moment with some kind of crazed dictator who could blow up the world any moment.
It’s really a bit much.
A ginormous amount of energy focused on one human being as if they have the power to ruin my life by how they react. I’m ruining my own already by how I do.
So who would you be without this very stressful story “they’ll get hurt if I speak the truth”?
I’d share openly, without fear. I’d feel connected and aware that this person is indeed very sensitive–so it’s not like I’m in denial–and I love them and want all the best for them. Which doesn’t mean tip-toeing around them like they’re made out of gossamer web.
Without my story, I don’t have to have them be happy in order for me to be happy. They can be very, very unhappy and even furious, and I notice I feel compassion and understanding.
I might notice I’m shivering a little with nervousness as I say what I think. It’s not like all of the sudden this is the easiest thing in the world….
….but I try it out. I stumble imperfectly and say “no, I don’t want to get together” after we broke up. I notice I don’t have a fantasy anymore about what it could be like, or might be like, or wish it was like.
He had his personal path, and I learned so much from being on it with him for awhile. Then it became unnecessary to share the road. Even required.
Without the belief that speaking up means hurt will happen, I stop thinking I know how they will respond. I’m willing to not anticipate, or defend, or brace myself. I feel rooted, entering the unknown. Not running away or fighting something or wringing my hands.
“I turned out to be those people in the world that I didn’t want to be. I was the last to know. It cannot be another human being who hurts you. It HAS to be you who hurts you. There’s no exception to that. If I think I’m hurt because of someone else, I’m insane.” ~ Byron Katie
Turning it around: I will be hurt if THEY tell the truth. I will be hurt if I tell the truth. They won’t be hurt if I tell the truth.
Could these be true, or truer?
Woah.
I WILL be hurt if they tell the truth. Or at least, that’s what I’ve thought so far. I’m not sure if it’s really true, now. I’ve had many moments where someone’s said or written something, and they’ve been upset, but it’s been totally and completely fine with me. I know it isn’t personal.
I’ve been hurt because I’ve told the truth. I’ve said to myself I’m a mean, nasty, judgmental person just for thinking I didn’t agree with them. I’ve condemned myself for not being “nice”. I’ve silenced myself by imagining I can’t handle it if they have a big reaction to my queries or my sharing my own thoughts that aren’t the same as theirs.
I’ve also been amazed at how kind and accepting people are when I’ve spoken up. They stick it out rather than resent me forever, or cut me off. The people who need to, stay present. I don’t need everyone in the world to think I’m great when I say “no” to them or respond in a way that makes them upset…that would be…weird.
People need to come and go as they wish. Life shows me who is supposed to be present in my life, and who isn’t. I’m not in charge.
What a relief.
If you’re not so sure about some relationship in your life, or if you think that person should do it different, or if you feel disappointment, or worry….
….that’s what the upcoming inquiry starting this Friday is all about.
What a delicious thing inquiry is. Can you imagine discovering the freedom that no one can really hurt you? No matter how they behave, what they say, what they do, how they think?
Eating Peace Annual Retreat is getting full. Seattle, January 11-15, 2018. We begin Thursday evening 7:00 pm, ending Monday January 15th at 11:30 am. Room still available onsite if you’d like to rent a room at the private retreat house–reply to me if you’re interested. Nearby AirBnB also available (personal friends of Grace).
To read more about it and register, visit here. An incredibly powerful way to begin your year, with a direct experience of eating peace, and questioning the thoughts that keep us off-balance with food.
**********************
It’s not exactly brand new information or surprising news that experiencing trauma towards the body–from mild disrespect, to major violence–can result in weight change for some people.
Sometimes the body becomes heavier as a sort of armor against the world, sometimes thinner as a way of becoming invisible.
Today, because I’ve worked with a whole lot of people lately who’ve had very violent thoughts about their own bodies, I offer an exercise you can do to consider what beliefs might be running behind the surface of your body-criticism.
First, think of a body part (or perhaps it’s your whole body your weight) that you don’t like. I noticed, by the way, that even when I felt my very fattest and heaviest, I didn’t judge my feet or hands, my shoulders, my skin, my physical strength, my hair, my joints, my endurance.
Good to notice you don’t absolutely hate everything about your body.
Once you identify the shape or body part you dislike so much, you can study it with a more open mind….or at least a more willing mind.
Think of it like you’re gathering information, you’re uncovering some hidden files you may not have thought to identify before this.
You’re a very good sleuth, or detective, of this body, or body part, and what you think it means about you (or anyone) who has a body part that looks this way.
Watch the video, and then consider the questions I’ve written up in the free download, to help you study your painful beliefs about what having this body means for you (I made this worksheet, since I didn’t include all the questions inside the video).
Let me know what you find! Any questions or comments under the video I will read and answer. Or if you prefer to be more private, write me at grace@workwithgrace.com.
Isn’t this the most fun and interesting thing ever!?
I just learned that something I previously thought was a done deal and definitely happening….isn’t.
There have been a few other things in my life which have gone that way, some of them that triggered me wildly.
I practically had a heart attack and thought my life was over when I experienced the following: death of my father, divorce, job loss, money gone, moving from this location to another one (against my will!), best friend cutting me off.
This current situation is perhaps not so dramatic, and yet….what an exciting awareness for what is possible when you don’t think the way it’s going is a disaster.
The Breitenbush Retreat in Oregon has been changed.
The good people of Breitenbush needed to cancel due to low enrollment and feeling the sting of financial loss because of forest fires last summer (causing evacuation of their entire property). Unless things looked really full, they didn’t want to move forward.
I got crazy surprised!
I know how people decide last-minute to come to a powerful retreat to question their thinking. People worried about driving through the snow to the woods. They didn’t like it.
But here’s the deal: We’re still sitting in inquiry for 3 days, and bringing this experience to life: re-group, re-wire, re-set.
Because that’s what can happen December 8-10, 2017. A complete Control-Alt-Delete. A Reset.
A way to look at what you’re thinking…and start over.
The retreat is now in Seattle, at half the original fee. $195 for 3 days, and you can commute, find your own lodging, stay with a friend, share with others who are also already coming.
If you live in Seattle, it’s a pretty unusual occasion.
Have you wanted inquiry? In a focused, concentrated environment?
That’s what you’ll get with this retreat.
In fact, I’m amazed at what I can open up to, when I question my thoughts and don’t have a closed mind. It’s revealed itself in this retreat-changing process.
At first I thought: “Oh, sad day. This is terrible. OK then, I have three days unexpectedly free, so I’ll revert to my usual solo sessions with clients.”
(And not need to leave home, by the way, or pack…I could see advantages for the news).
The mind flashes images of what it thinks will happen, now that the plans are changing.
You might have noticed this kind of alternative image-flashing with what you think will happen when it comes to a relationship change, a family change, a job change, a home change, a climate change.
Oh yah, I will be better off, finally .
Oh shi*t, I will be worse off, oh dread.
Do you see the images you anticipate, because of what you think will happen in the future?
I thought my life would be Un-Supported because my dad died. I thought my life would be Un-Loved because my marriage ended. I thought my life would be Un-Known because of the relationship weekend retreat change.
People with major life changes think often of frightening, even horrifying, terrible, dark, difficult, awful alternatives about the future.
It’s going to be BAD.
Is it true?
Can you absolutely know, without any question of a doubt, of the terrible-ness of this situation you’re imagining?
Yes.
In my case…Breitenbush cancels, and someone has actually made plane reservations. They are coming from very, very far away to this particular location.
How do you react when you believe “this change is horrible.”
I FREAK OUT.
I worry about what THEY feel. I’m anxious because I took 3 days out of my life and schedule to be with a group of inquirers.
I’m at a loss for creativity, or other alternatives, or different ways of looking at the situation. I feel aggravated with the people who “caused” this.
But who would I be without this story?
If I couldn’t have this story at all, this thought, AT ALL?
Really.
What would that be like?
Use your imagination, in your situation. Who would you be without your thought that what has changed….shouldn’t have changed?
Wow.
I’d be excited, open, not alarmed, wondering what will occur next.
I’d be putting together a new possibility of what December 8-10 will look like for me, and for some others who join me.
Exciting!
Everyone’s invited to our home. We have a cozy living room, we’re near a beautiful walking/biking trail, we live VERY near Lake Washington (we’ll go there for a meditation walk–it’s a block away) and our cabin is warm, welcoming, and most importantly we’re deep in self-inquiry and love exploring our thoughts, and what can happen when we do).
We’ll begin Friday morning 9:30 am on December 8th and end on Sunday at noon on December 10th.
Commuters are entirely welcome. In fact, there’s no place to sleep here at the cottage, but come and go every day and you’re welcome. It’s adorable. This Goldilocks Cottage has held many a retreat, and it’s shockingly only 710 square feet. But oh what a lovely little space.
We’ll have the kettle on the boil, snacks, clipboards, comfy chairs…and most importantly we’ll have the power of self-inquiry using The Work of Byron Katie.
I can’t imagine, honestly, a better time of year for this work.
About to visit relatives? About to connect with friends you haven’t seen in years? Reuniting with a family you thought was “broken”? Thinking some stressful thoughts?
This work is how to deal with these considerations.
Who would we be without our painful or limiting stories?
“As you begin to question your mind, mind loses the ability to believe that it’s a this or a that. It ceases to identify itself. It becomes free.” ~ Byron Katie in A Mind At Home With Itself
If you’re drawn to joining me in my living room in December, with a cup of hot tea and these powerful questions known as The Work….then come, come. You’ll have personal attention. YOU will be the one to answer the questions.
Oh, and by the way….speaking of change. My website has a completely new look. Total makeover. Check it out HERE.
And when it comes to beliefs, and how-it-is, it’s amazing what you can find without anyone else telling you what to find. You know it’s the only true way. No guru, no teacher, no set answer. Seeing for yourself.
Join me for inquiry in the least expensive retreat of the year (there seems to be a “sale” orientation in the atmosphere at least in the US). Perhaps this is the black Friday option that was not ever intended to be. Ha ha.
To sign up for the newest revised edition of the retreat, please click HERE. You’ll also see the new version of Work With Grace’s website.
Oh my, that happened quickly. We’re starting the 5 month Eating Peace Process program this very week. The first two live 90 minute inquiry calls are today Tuesday 11/14 at 4 pm PT and/or Thursday 11/16 at 8 am PT. Our last telecalls are April 24 and 26. When you sign up for Eating Peace Process, you’re sent off to watch the recorded learning presentations, and do the exercises involved. There’s room for only a few more.
In today’s video, I share an exercise similar to one inside the Eating Peace Process: studying how we’re feeling at a huge holiday gathering, surrounded by people and food, and feeling uncomfortable about the food.
As someone who once was tortured by eating issues of every kind, I love working with people who suffer around eating. It doesn’t matter if you’ve practically killed yourself with food, eating, or exercising (like I did, running many miles a day at early hours of the morning or stuffing myself to beyond-full with food) or if you’ve felt upset about wanting to lose ten pounds–your suffering is yours. It hurts. It’s upsetting and painful, and something you’d like to understand, or “get over”.
I tried so many things….programs, diets, plans, structures. Studying my own off-balance experience with eating was the only thing that really helped. I had to find my own awareness of what was true, or not true, for me.
It wasn’t true that I needed to control my every mouthful. It was true for me that I needed to look at my intense cravings, fears and anger about life and other people.
But let’s keep it simple today.
Have you had worries about the holiday season coming upon us? Is where you live filled with food, parties, drink, consumption, getting, hunting, acquiring, gathering?
If you’ve had this experience of discomfort around people gathering for holidays or parties, including food….then you can do the following exercise today:
Imagine you’re standing in front of a huge smorgasbord of food. The tables are laden with everything you’ve ever most loved to eat, from your childhood dishes, to the sweetest tastes you’ve ever enjoyed. Every kind of food is on that table you can imagine, from sweet, to savory, to spicy, to rich and buttery.
How do you judge the foods? What can it bring you or give you, if you eat it? What will you have, if you consume it? What will it help you forget, or lose focus of, if you take it in?
What else is going on, that you find difficult emotionally? What’s missing from this moment?
What do you find both most wonderful, and most horrendous, about this moment with the table before you filled with all that food, and whatever else is happening around this festivity?
Identifying these stressful beliefs can be profound, because to give words to the feelings running within that are so uncomfortable brings awareness.
I see things like “Wow….I’m believing there is no pleasure at this event except for food. The people are boring or they make me nervous. I don’t fit in. I have to pretend I’m interested. I’m not good enough.”
Once identified, the thoughts are very, very interesting to take through inquiry.
It’s so important to see what it is that makes you feel the craving, or anxiety, or worry, or sadness in the first place.
It’s not easy to see it…but when you do, there’s something you can do with the awareness: Question It.
Who would I be without my story that the only thing fun at this event, is the food?
Eating at night used to be a difficult, embattled, frequent experience for me.
It’s not uncommon….I’ve heard and worked with many others who have the same experience.
Evening is “down” time.
Night time is “free” time.
“Empty” time.
This was the time when I wasn’t working, or studying, or training physically, or self-improving (at least, I wanted NOT to be doing these things).
I also didn’t have to be out there in the world in contact with people.
I could have my own space to do as I wished.
The thing is, when I finally said “OK, it’s free time, so let’s do something fun!” my mind would go through the rounds of what “fun” is and hesitate or eliminate them because of guilt.
“You should clean out the garage, or at least get started. You should start on the taxes. You should do the dishes. You should do something productive. You should watch an educational video.”
I had free time, but the mind would start thinking about all the things I should be doing.
What I really wanted was some escape from the relentless task-master mind that couldn’t give me more than a five minute break from being highly productive, completing things, handling projects, and “doing, doing, doing”.
I still have this tendency to “do” quite a lot. (But it’s more restful than it once was).
What do you think happens when someone is yelling at you to do all the unfinished projects you haven’t completed yet?
If you’re like me (which you probably are if you’re interested in eating peace) then your first thought is often to get away from that dictator yelling at you to accomplish stuff! Even if the dictator is YOU! Especially if it’s you!
What a great way to rebel fiercely, gobble sweetness and comfort, find solace, get comfortable, throw it all to the wind: EAT!!!
It was almost like I had a rebel voice inside that would say “Screw it, I’ll do whatever I want…where’s the food!?”
Eating at night turned out to override the dictator mind, but it didn’t last.
And then, it got worse.
That same mind that was trying to be rebellious and gain distraction or comfort by eating, turned into a raging nasty mean one by saying “You did it again. What’s wrong with you? You’re such a loser. You’re selfish, piggish and greedy to eat so much and not be able to stop. Why should you even bother living?”
It’s like a split personality, that mind. Encouraging you to eat, then criticizing you for eating. Completely insane!
What I didn’t know at the time, was that my eating was a by-product, or a direct result, of my thinking.
I thought confused, mean, attacking thoughts. I thought desperate, victimized, I-need-comfort thoughts. I thought of myself as a victim. (I was. Of my own thoughts). I thought food was my best friend, and then my worst enemy. I feared being too fat. I hated my body.
And these were just the thoughts related to food and eating!
I also had thoughts I believed that felt the same about family, neighbors, teachers, friends, siblings.
To be honest….the stressful, uncomfortable, troubling thoughts about family and people close to me in my world since childhood actually came first….before all the thoughts about food and eating and bodies. Or maybe some were simultaneously born, who knows, but one thing I do see is the following pattern:
Think – Feel – Act – Have
I thought something, I felt the consequences or response to that thought, I acted on the feeling, and the results were what I had.
It’s very speedy quick.
Today, I wanted to share more about the flow and pattern of Think – Feel – Act – Have and how I experienced it with off-balance eating.
The most important thing I found?
I couldn’t eat uncomfortably without feeling and thinking uncomfortably first!
Eating off-balance always followed feeling off-balance, which always followed thinking off-balance.
It’s great news in the end….because you can identify your thoughts, and then question them using The Work of Byron Katie. The power of inquiry is stunning.
It literally leads to slowing down the mind, which slows down the eating. At least that’s been my experience, and many others who want to learn to heal their eating from the inside out.
If you’d like to learn more about the way thoughts lead to eating, and how to understand the cycle, then please come join me for an upcoming webinar I do only once a year: Seven Stressful Thoughts That Keep People Struggling With Eating…And How To Dissolve Them.
This is a very rich, thorough masterclass-style webinar, where we meet once for this training. It will be 90 minutes (and maybe a little more depending on Q & A). I’ll offer it at the following three times, and you’ll be able to pick one, and join me, if you register.
Saturday, November 4th 7:30 am
Tuesday, November 7th 4:00 pm
Thursday, November 9th 8:00 am
I can’t wait to teach this class again (I always update and tweak it from previous times I’ve taught it). I’m so looking forward to sharing this path to eating peace with you.
Register for Eating Peace Webinar: Seven Stressful Thoughts to Question That Keep Eating a Battlefield and How To Turn Them Around To Declare Eating Peace HERE.
Sometimes we have to improvise or make a small change in order to respond to the way reality and life is flowing.
I just did it this morning.
I made an eating peace video for you on my front porch instead of in my little kitchen inside my cottage, the way I usually do. I’m teaching a four day retreat on The Work of Byron Katie and a lovely group have come from all corners of the US and Canada to sit and question thoughts.
While the focus of this autumn retreat underway right now isn’t specifically about eating (Eating Peace Retreat is Jan 11-15), some of the folks attending can totally relate to food or weight being a problem….and they know questioning stress in their lives can help reduce the compulsion to overeat, or compulsion to over-think really, about food.
What I’m sharing today?
I’m talking about how simple it is to question your stressful thoughts about feeling uncomfortable, feeling fear, feeling powerless.
Except I know, it’s NOT that easy for us sometimes.
We feel really uncomfortable and troubled….but we don’t even know why.
And the next thing we know, we’re eating.
But it may not be as hard as you think to deal with painful and difficult emotions.
Start with only one single situation, one person who hurt you, betrayed you, frightened you. Don’t start with YOU either. We get so tempted to examine and investigate ourselves, but it doesn’t work as well if you do this (so much effort to self-improve).
I always found my discomfort rose out of reactions to other people, worry about how they felt AND about how I felt.
So start there, with someone else who’s had an impact on your life.
Now…I also mention in the video that if all you can think of is a stressful thought about eating, like “I HAVE TO EAT SOMETHING NOW!” then it’s OK to start right there, because it’s so front and center.
You can question any stressful, demanding, frightened thought.
I always use The Work of Byron Katie. The step-by-step process works so beautifully.
You can trust it. Follow the simple directions.
If improvising and making changes in your daily routine causes stress, question the thoughts you have about change.
Who would you be without your troubling story?
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Next week, I’ll be sending out word about how to register for a free webinar: Seven Beliefs to Question, Seven Turnarounds to Live–Using The Work to Return to Sanity and Eating Peace. These will meet November 4, 7 and 9th. Stay tuned. I’ll share about the Eating Peace Process program at the very end of the webinar, for those interested in joining with others to question your thinking when it comes to food, eating, the body, feelings, and life.
