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Long ago, I heard Byron Katie say something that caused my ears to perk up: “Victims are vicious”. 

Yikes!

I didn’t want to be a “victim”. They don’t have a good reputation.

And yet, what I had to admit was….I was very vicious. Mostly, to myself in my own thinking.

When I ate a lot, or binge-ate, or grazed from one end of town to the other, or looked in the mirror, or thought about what I should or shouldn’t be eating, I had a running voice that also said “you are lower than dirt.”

It was harsh, bitter, hopeless, and very mean.

So one of the very first things any of us must do, who experience an addictive behavioral process of any kind, is to relax and recognize the presence of something that is a lie.

Harshness doesn’t solve the problem. You can kill the thing you think you “hate” but it doesn’t end the war. It will rear its ugly head again if all you do is repress or condemn something or destroy it.

Kindness is what changes things at a permanent level. Love is what alters the experience of compulsion to one of understanding and awareness.

Let’s be kind to ourselves.

If you hear the voice that shouts and condemns you in your head, question it.

Remember to ask….is it true?

Do you really need to build this angry energy and use it to FIGHT food, cravings, people, relationships, reality? Are you sure you’re all alone, by yourself, against The World?

Let’s do The Work on this concept.

Is it true that you need to improve, change, or fix yourself….and that the way you are is wrong?

Yes. I’m too critical. My mind is full of harshness. I want to escape. I want to feel better, to get out of here. It’s me against the world (especially in this particular area).

Can you absolutely know that this is true that you need to change, snap out of it, get over it, stop being who you are?

Hmmm. Strange. But I can’t know it’s true.

How do you react when you believe you’ve got to change, especially when it comes to eating?

Ugh. I try everything and anything that addresses diet change. I feel very alone and discouraged. I hate my eating, my body, my attitude, my life.

Who would you be without this belief that you must change ASAP, especially with eating?

WHAT???!!!

But.

I’ve been trying to fix, adjust, improve or change myself when it comes to eating for “x” years (long time)! How could I NOT be wanting change?

Try it on for a moment here now. Just right now. Relax without having a single drop of a future, or need to change. Rest a moment. Notice how connected you are to everything in your environment, sharing the air, the furniture, the space, the people (if there are any). Sharing your environment with this thing called “food”.

What would it really be like if you did not ever go to war with yourself to improve?

Wow.

It can be exciting. Peacefully thrilling. Restful. Simple. Open. Mysterious.

Turning this belief around: I do not have to change. My thinking has to change. Change has to come to “me”. 

Could any of these turnarounds be just as true, or truer?

Yes. I can find how I am still alive, studying life and the world and myself in it and I’m not “done” even though some part of me believes I haven’t changed, or that I need to. I can notice life has it’s own timing. That even though I’ve eaten in crazy ways, I’ve also experienced joy, gratitude, peace and happiness here on earth.

Yes. I’m busy questioning my thinking. I’m learning by turning things around. I’m learning that what I’ve assumed to be true….often isn’t.

Yes. I can hold still and be open to transformation meeting me, not think of myself as needing to chase after it. I can make friends with life, my environment, my mind, my body.

Love is here in the present. Here I am with all my imperfection, a human being.

Who would you be without your story of yourself, especially when it comes to eating, food, your feelings, your body?

Can you feel it just for this moment, now?

Anyone who’s eaten off-balance knows what it feels like to be plagued by obsessive thinking about all things related to food, eating or body image.

We have thoughts like:

Well that was goofy and confusing.

This past weekend’s Eating Peace note had whacky dead ends and non-working links.

(Sometimes the way we feel when it comes to eating, right?)

First of all, you are not crazy if you couldn’t find the facebook group for eating peace. It’s secret and not find-able.

For some of you, there was ALSO trouble accessing the newest version of Eating Peace eBook with a Seven Day peaceful-thinking practice.

To access these gifts, please follow the steps below.

I love your feedback and investigating this powerful journey of finding permanent peace with eating, body image, food….and our experience of life overall no matter what’s ever happened to cause us suffering or pain.

• Download the Eating Peace: Seven Thoughts to Question, Seven Days to Practice ebook by heading HERE. You’ll enter your email (you won’t be double-subscribed so don’t worry) and receive it in your Inbox.

• Second, if you’d like to join the secret facebook group Eating Peace for conversation and healing in eating (and often sharing that I only do there) then you’ll need to send me a quick email by hitting “reply” to this message. Just say something like “YES! sign me up for the eating peace facebook group”. I’ll send you a personal invitation from the group to join via email.

When I was bulimic or anorexic, I was filled with shame and couldn’t imagine writing or sharing about it anywhere unless I was kept very anonymous to the outside world. If facebook had existed at the time, I would only have joined if it was a secret group like this one, so I hope this serves those of you wanting to explore your relationship with eating.

Sharing and community changed my life. It was a key factor in altering the roots of my eating troubles. Because I know how life-savingly valuable finding community support is, I’m making it available to anyone who wants it, for free.

I hope either the ebook, or the facebook discussion, or both will serve you, if you’re drawn. I hope you may find the peace and end of the battling or compulsion you so deserve and want.

I know it’s possible to dissolve eating wars and no longer live in fear of weird, off-balance eating. If it’s possible for me, it’s possible for you.

We can find the working “links” to peace so eating is no longer a mine field, but a joyful pleasure every day.

Much love,

Grace

I notice when I question my thinking of UGLY or REJECT or NO….

….and feel this body from the inside out instead of holding judgment from the outside in….

….I experience gratitude. I feel the nature of this present moment now as BEAUTIFUL, ACCEPTABLE, and YES.

How do you think it’s more likely to take care of yourself, or actually make changes that support yourself physically: with mean have-to dictator thinking, or joyful I-don’t-know open thinking?

Much love,

Grace

There’s a basic thought you may not have questioned for many years: someone needs to tell me what to eat, and when.

This arises out of deep self-doubt about what, when, and how we’re eating.

I had this thought regularly when I binge-ate and when I starved and categorized foods into “good” or “bad” foods.

But it was a stressful thought. It kept things on edge. Never trusting what I chose or trusting I was able to stop when full, eat when hungry.

Trouble is, when I felt doubt about knowing how to eat, I dismissed my own sense of hunger or fullness. I completely ignored by own body sensors, my own feeling about what and when to eat.

Who would you be without this very stressful story that you don’t know when or how to eat?

I found, far more confident.

Able to be anywhere, with anyone, at any level of hunger, without getting scared or judging myself.

Without this belief that you don’t know how to do it right, you can become your own very kind caretaker, and very wise caretaker.

Much love, Grace

Has anyone ever asked you something or made a request, and you feel so uncomfortable about answering….

….you freeze like a statue?

Gulp. Did that person just ask me that? Shocking!

The other day, a very dear friend was telling me about a small inheritance she received from an aunt who died. “I was so surprised!” she exclaimed “I mean, it’s not that much, but I can do a few things now.”

Then she shared that she’s remodeling her entire kitchen and landscaping her back yard.

I wanted to ask…”how much was it, anyway?” because in my mind, remodeling your kitchen and landscaping your back yard is big bucks, the way she described it. But I didn’t.

Because. It’s none of my business. That would be nosey. That’s private. It’s rude to ask a specific question like that about money–kind of like asking “how old are you?” or “how much is your salary?” We don’t talk about such details.

The annual group of money inquirers right now are looking at what we think and believe about asking for money in any kind of context, whether someone else is doing it, or we ourselves are (or we’re even just thinking about asking).

I wasn’t thinking of asking FOR money, but the unwritten rules about asking ABOUT money were firmly in place, despite my curiosity.

Asking questions about their money is rude.

But let’s dig into a little deeper to find out why it’s rude? What’s the fear? Why would it be so rude to ask about money, or for money?

I imagined someone asking me how much money I have in my bank account, or if I’ve ever been given money, or how much I made last year, or how much I spend every month, or even how much I paid for my coat.

As I sat with it, I realized the answer to the question is the scary part. It’s personal because the answer could result in so many things….but especially separation, criticism, judgment.

• They’ll think I’m lucky (and be jealous)
• They’ll think I’m unlucky (and avoid me)
• They’ll think I’ve been squandering what I had
• They’ll think I’ve been a chicken sh*t
• They’ll think I should never ever complain about money and I’m a whiner
• They’ll think I should be more scared about money and I’m a pollyanna everything’s-going-to-be-fine faker
• They’ll think I’m self-centered and greedy
• They’ll think I’m dishonest and sneaky
• They’ll think I’m disorganized, stupid and uncaring

All of it is about the judgement of character, personality and activities with money.

Gosh. No wonder we have this unwritten rule about money questions. Sometimes, people don’t even want to go to get their taxes done by someone else, or visit financial planners, because they’ll have to share ALL their personal information about money….and surely be criticized. (Um. Not that this would be me. Clearing throat).

So while asking may be considered rude, let’s look today at the answer to any money question, and why it’s frightening (and therefore, no one should ask).

The biggest fear? Someone will get criticized, when it comes to money and asking for it. I’ll be thought of in a bad way. 

Let’s do The Work!

Is it true, that if the answer to the money question is revealed, someone’s going to get criticized?

Yes!

I was already judging my friend as “lucky” and thinking her brief words “it’s not that much” were falsely downplaying the amount. I mean, how could you completely remodel a kitchen and build a deck plus all that landscaping on “not that much”? My mind was whirring. I wish I could inherit something, which has never happened and is unlikely to ever happen. Waah.

But can I absolutely know it’s true someone gets criticized when money amounts are revealed?

No.

Can I know it’s true that stressful or separating thoughts come alive, when an answer is revealed about money from one human to another?

No. I really can’t.

So what happens when you DO think dangerous things happen when money is talked about openly, and people ask things about it, or for it?

Ugh.

I make absolutely sure to quit talking about it, or never mention it. If someone starts to speak about it, I turn the conversation in a different direction or go mute or freeze up. I don’t reveal the whole answer.

Yes, I have even done this with my partner to whom I am legally married, and we submit taxes now together. I had a reaction of fear a couple of weeks ago when he asked me if I owned stock in volatile tech companies (I do), and was totally afraid he’s going to criticize me. Which hasn’t happened, ever.

So who would you be without the belief that it’s dangerous to reveal information about money? Whether it’s you or them doing the revealing?

At first, you might feel worried about who you’ll be without the thought. Like maybe you’ll ask 1000 questions without being considerate. Or you’ll tell someone everything about your spending, saving and giving without hesitation.

Are you sure this is even true?

What if it was totally OK to ask questions?

It doesn’t mean anyone should answer. There’s a balance here. Information coming in, going out. Gentle timing.

I notice amounts come and go, change and morph and go up and go down. So do questions about amounts of money.

I notice I can question any assumptions I make about money.

My friend is lucky (and I am not)…is that even true? I know how much kitchen and landscaping costs, is that true? (No).

Turning the thought around: If money is revealed, they’ll think well of me (or vice versa). We’ll be connected. We’ll be sharing something, closer, and more alike.

Could this be just as true?

Wow. Yes.

Everyone I know has had money coming and going always. Never the exact amounts of money forever the same. Money is like air, or water, or the tides. Money is moving. Money is like the weather. I don’t have to freak out because it’s cold and barren at the moment. There’s beauty in the way it is.

The amount of money doesn’t mean you (or someone else) is “bad” or “good” or “right” or “wrong”.

The answer to a question about or for money, in any moment, is fascinating.

Sometimes it’s “yes” and sometimes it’s “no”. Sometimes you might answer, sometimes you might say “why do you ask?”

In whatever appears with curiosity, pondering, and wondering about money….

….it’s a brilliant catalyst for awareness of our own fearful thoughts and beliefs, that’s for sure.

In the end, I see that “reveals” about money and what I fear turn all around to my own thinking, my own perceptions:

I see whatever I’m worried about other people thinking, every time, I’m actually worried is true about myself.

I could question it.

“These people that we’re close to will give us everything we need, so that we can realize ourselves and be free of the lie….But you say “Go away, I don’t want to hear it.” And you say it mostly in your mind….What I say is, find an enemy. They won’t give you that sympathy. You go to your friends for refuge, because you can count on them to agree with your stories. But when you go to your enemies, they’ll tell you, straight up, anything you want to know, even though you may think you don’t want to know it.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 134

If you’ve felt uncomfortable about what people have implied, or said, or asked, or done around you or to you….no matter WHAT the topic (and I mean ANY topic, not just money)….

….The Work.

If you feel curious about digging into this work, come to 4 day immersion retreat in May. Or come to half-day retreat (offered once a month in Seattle for only $50 and I’ll do it online this spring for those of you too far away). Sign up for March Seattle half day right here (3/18 Sunday 2-6 pm).

We all know there’s something going on with this mind, and it’s not always helpful, it seems.

We have thoughts about our own thinking: