Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Happiness Is Giving Up How They Should Change

A long time ago I had a male friend who was super quiet. Very shy.

I had the thought from time to time that he was too passive and dweeby.

The other day I was reading a sweet book called The Unlikely Pilgrimage of Harold Fry by Rachel Joyce.

The main character is an unassuming man, quiet, very careful, teetotaler, risk-averse. You’d probably call him shy. British and contained.

I’ve always loved many things about this type of character, having spent time in England as a child. I was born in London. (I’m a British citizen even though you wouldn’t know it from my accent. I sounded British when I was seven though).

But as I was reading, I also noticed a few memories surface.

Of my dad, of course…..and then spreading on from that original implant or impression to other men with that stereotypical personality of reservedness.

He should stop being so freakin’ careful, for crying out loud!

He should speak the truth, look up, not be afraid of confrontation, say no when he means it, say yes when he means it, ask for what he needs, pursue what he wants!

God, what a waste of time being careful and holding BACK!!!

Oh. (Clearing throat).

Got carried away for a second. Apparently this gentle character in the story I’m reading set me off into memory-ville about my long lost friend…and my dad…and other men I’ve known.

Apparently there’s a pattern here.

These men should stop being so careful…is that true?

Why would I want that? What does it mean about them, about me, when I perceive them as too careful?

If someone keeps their thoughts and feelings bottled inside and is constantly frightened of confrontation, what’s really bad about that?

They would dissolve into nothingness, never make a difference, they would have a pointless life, they wouldn’t matter, they wouldn’t make an impact, or connect with others (or with me).

And why would THAT be a bad thing?

Because it feels disconnected, lost, distant, apathetic…

….unloving, uncaring.

Oh boy. We’re back to the old underlying belief “he doesn’t care about  me.”

Let’s take a look again today.

He or she doesn’t care about me.

Is that true?

Yes. If they cared, they’d be willing to reach out, stop caring so much about only themselves and how nervous they are, and relax for once. They’d take a stand. They’d talk, ask questions, respond, write, call, reach out.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that this character trait, this way of being (controlled emotions, careful, suppressed) is really bad? Are you sure it means someone doesn’t care?

No.

How do you react when you think someone should be bolder than they are, when they should spit it out, talk, or stop being shy or nervous?

Frustrated! Guilty! Furious! Demanding!

I’d be like Harold’s son in the story I’m reading. Angry and disgusted.

I growl. It’s really not that fun.

So who would you be without the belief that those people should stop being so careful? And show they care?

Something gentle happens inside.

Letting everyone be exactly the way they are. Doing what they do, acting like that, so proper and controlled and withholding or whatever.

I see how kind and patient they are. Willing to not know, to be confused, to wait. I see how much they care, and also that it doesn’t matter really, if they care or if they don’t.

Turning the thoughts around: those men should not stop that way of being, they should be just as they are. I am the one who should stop being careful and withholding, who should show how much I care about them.

Instead of feeling critical, I might notice what I appreciate about them.

I should care about myself, and if I desire speaking up, then do it.

I should express, feel, show, be who I am without hesitation, without controlling myself, without fear, and with compassion.

“She doesn’t expect results, because she has no future. She realizes the efficiency, the necessity of the way of it, how full it is, how rich, beyond any concept she could have of what it should be. In that realization her life is always renewed. She herself is the way of it, always opening to what comes, always contented.” ~ Byron Katie

If I am always open to what comes…and here comes the uptight nervous proper one…I can give him a big huge hug because I notice he is so adorable, so tender, soft, easy, patient, concerned, and thoughtful.

He is strong, resilient, direct and simple, loving and caring. That’s also true.

Today I live the amends to my father, loving the quiet sweet men I have in my life who are so brilliant, yielding and open.

Noticing the support they’ve given.

“Liberation means that you stand free of making demands on others and life to make you happy.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

 

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Standing On Your Own Two Feet

Year of Inquiry Master Mind Program (YOI) is beginning in September. It’s not open for registration yet, but I’ve started getting a lot of questions about it.

YOI is a whole year of doing The Work with a group primarily via phone/skype, meeting in person for a weekend retreat in our first month together (Sept 19-21) and then again for five days in May 2015 in Seattle.

This is deep practice of The Work for twelve months. We show up. We contemplate. We support one another. You do your work by answering the four questions.

There is no teacher except yourself and your fellow guides on the journey. I am here to share my experience and to facilitate The Work.

Your mind is the investigated and investigator. And through this, you see who you are without your beliefs.

(It’s really good).

I used to feel terrified to think of me all by myself being the only true teacher. I wasn’t sure that was such a good idea.

Little me? Seriously? The one who screws up, makes mistakes, and feels frightened? But I’m not substantive enough!

Being the wise center of my own reality sounded way too….SMALL.

Surely, this person who is me is not enough….this person seems so insignificant, so temporary, so unaccomplished, like something’s missing.

There are other teachers who are so much more advanced, powerful, visionary, confident, peaceful, divine, awakened.

So I kept going to hang out with them.

And then something happened. I realized all my favorite teachers were saying the very same thing.

Love yourself, unconditionally. You are the one you’ve been waiting for. Enlightenment is standing on your own two feet.

“Stop trying to have someone else’s experience. Stop chasing freedom or happiness, or even spiritual enlightenment. Stand in your own shoes, and examine closely: What’s happening right here and right now? Is it possible to let go of trying to make anything happen?” ~ Adyashanti

One of the most significant ways to enter yourself and feel what’s happening now, and let go of trying to capture something, is to stop taking your troubled thinking so seriously. How can you do this?

Question your thinking, of course. Question everything.

Do The Work as a practice, a process of enlightening yourself one story at a time.

“When it is time to get up, you get up. Not one second too early or too late. There are two ways to lie there, or get up. One is in peace, and one is in stress. We stand, we sit, we lie horizontal. Everything else is just a story. Stories are wonderful, unless they become nightmares. A nightmare is anything that frightens you, the war with what is.” ~ Byron Katie

If you are wanting to practice the glorious experience of questioning your nightmares, or anything that frightens you (even a tiny bit) you can start right now.

You are enough, all by yourself, to see your stories and question your thinking. And if you’re in a hurry, connect with others to do it.

If it brings you joy to imagine support in this process, if you’d like to connect with your inner world and sincere inquirers, committed to doing it together, then maybe Year Of Inquiry (YOI) is for you.

This is not a support group, although you will find immense support….it is about questioning your reality, when it hurts.
Perhaps the most powerful thing you can ever do to change your world.
Registration for YOI will open later in the summer, but it will be limited–only 12 people per telegroup (there are two groups, Tuesday mornings and Thursday late afternoons Pacific Time).


To read more about it, click HERE.

I can’t wait to meet you.

Much love, Grace

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If That Feeling Could Talk

It’s uncanny the power of the mind to deflect, go unconscious, blank out or skip like an error in a recording, just for a quick second.

Even though it’s so brilliant, smart, and fast as lightening…..we’ll say things like “it slipped my mind” or “I don’t know what came over me” or “suddenly I felt really creeped out (or smitten) for no apparent reason” or “it makes no sense, I did it anyway”.

Unconsciousness is defined in modern psychology as a part of the mind that is inaccessible to the conscious mind but still affects how you’re acting and feeling.

If you do something unconsciously, it’s like you did it without planning it, without intent, it was being directed by some other zone in your mind rather than upfront logic or conscious awareness.

And it was odd or unusual….it’s sort of mysterious.

Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung loved studying this “unconscious” mind, they were basically the founders of using the term in this particular way we all know now.

Back stories, missing puzzle pieces of why we act weird or feel bad.

Or why we’re addicted. To craving, or wanting, or love.

One huge and powerful advantage of doing The Work for me personally has been the way it draws out unconscious dredge, maybe from long ago, and brings it to light for examination.

And as these things are seen….the process of unconscious reactions in any form falls away.

“If you’re upset and you can’t seem to find the thought behind the emotions, try this: Take some time to travel inwardly to the place where the feeling is most intense. Sink into the physical sensation of the feeling. Let yourself be upset, for your own sake, and give it a voice. If the feeling could talk, what would it say?” ~ Byron Katie

Here’s an example.

Let’s say someone sort of disturbs you, even though you don’t know them all that well. Or the reverse, you’re fascinated by someone and feel compelled to hang around them as much as possible, like a groupie crush or something.

Hold that person in your mind, and see them doing what they do that you find repulsive or mesmerizing. Sometimes, this is a flash of a picture, it goes by so fast.

Blow it up big. Let it talk.

In an exercise class I took for awhile several years ago, there was a guy who was really handsome and really quiet.

He appeared melancholy and brooding. Strong and tough looking, with sideburns.

Kinda edgy like….dangerous. I pictured going out for drinks with him, even though I hardly ever drank alcohol much anymore.

(Retroactive clue).

I wrote out my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on the image of that man.

My Judge Your Neighbor worksheet contained these following stressful thoughts:

I am nervous around that guy because he’s intense, foreboding, dark and mysterious.

I want him to talk to me, but gently. I want to get to know him.

He should stop brooding or acting all stormy and rough. He should lighten up. He should be more open.

I need him to be interested in me. I need him to be happy. I need him to be sincere, loving, direct, spiritual, mature, and clear.

He’s been hurt, he’s cautious, a fighter, violent, funny, uptight.

I don’t ever want him to kill or hurt me, anyone else, or himself.

Yes, even though I didn’t know his name, I had feelings and thoughts popping all over the place about this man in the corner.

I noticed….I’ve had curiosity and interest about some of the same qualities in Other Men before.

Gosh, what a coincidence.

I took a look at the most disturbing qualities: brooding and dark.Like he was hungry for connection, but haunted at the same time.

He should be more open, relaxed, mature. Not haunted. 

Is it true?

Yah I’m pretty sure that would be better all around.

Can you absolutely know this is true, for sure?

No. I’m not even sure he is NOT open, relaxed and mature. I’m definitely assuming a lot.

How do you react when you think someone should be more relaxed, grown up, open? What would you have if they were like that? What would it mean?

How I react is I’m waiting, wondering, hoping, hyped-up. I think it would be awesome, when I actually have NO IDEA. I think it would mean all is well and….

….suddenly I get the picture in my head of my dad being depressed, sad, staring out the window at the sky. Not saying much.

If only he were happy, everything would be OK. A very insidious unsettled worry would finally be resolved. I wouldn’t feel so separated.

Who would I be without that belief, that he should be open, or that he isn’t?

I wouldn’t assume he isn’t approachable, or forlorn, or feeling lost or sad. How would I know? Jeezus.

Plus, it’s not exactly any of my business.

If I just landed here from another planet, and felt perfectly content and excited to explore, I would breathe deeply and relax, and notice everyone, not just the brooders in this situation.

“The truth of your being doesn’t crave happiness; it could actually care less. It doesn’t crave love, not because you are so full of love, but because it just doesn’t crave love. It’s very simple. It doesn’t seek to be known, regarded highly, or understood. When you’re living what you are in an awakened way, there’s no ideal for you anymore. You’ve stepped off the entire cycle of suffering, of becoming; you’re not interested.” ~ Adyashanti

Turning the thoughts around: I should be more open, relaxed and mature…when it comes to that man in the corner…when it comes to my dad.

Those men should be exactly as they are, nothing is absent, nothing is required, no improvement necessary.

Wow, now that is different. Very, very different.

No tendrils of energy reaching out over to there, no grasping, no waiting, no hoping, no fingers-crossed, no wishing.

“I stopped waiting for the world to give me what I wanted. I started giving it to myself instead.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice what I wanted from my dad…connection, conversation, honesty, laughter, joy, guidance, no need for addictive thinking…and I begin to discover it inside myself.

And with this work, looking clearly, looking carefully, I notice one day….oh. No more brooding, haunted, sad men in my life.

Or was it me who changed?

Much love, Grace

 

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Becoming Blind With Love

Month Four in Year of Inquiry Mastermind is all about complaining.

We get to complain about our everyday lives, those people, those circumstances….write it down….and then begin to look at what’s going on there when we grouse.

Yesterday as the YOI group wrote out who and what they complain about, one person said “I hate complainers!”

Oh boy. I’ve thought that.

Those griping, negative, sour, gossiping whiners! Jeez!

Give it a rest!

Hey, how about doing The Work on that complainer you know?

Let’s begin.

She should stop complaining.

Is it true?

Yes! I hate being around her. Annoying! Always finding what doesn’t work, rather than what does work!

Can you absolutely know that this is true, that she should stop?

No, not really. Sometimes, squeaky wheels get the grease. Sometimes there’s a deep important reason for the so-called complaining, an expression rising up, a voice, a need.

How do you react when you believe that person should stop complaining? What happens inside? How do you act around that person?

Rats. Did you have to ask me that?

I stew about her. I judge her. I think “what’s her *%#@! problem”? Such a downer! So pessimistic!

I feel like it will drive me bonkers and I want to run away from her. I call her names in my head. Controlling, pushy, bossy, complaining, rude.

“Relationship has a built-in mirroring effect. As we move through life, other people appear to reflect back to us this core, deficient self. When this sense of deficiency is triggered in relationship, an emotional wound arises…..There’s a tendency to focus our attention outward toward others, as if they’re the source of pain. But others are just a mirror showing us what we believe about ourselves.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Gulp.

Who would I be without this belief, if I couldn’t even think the thought that she should stop being like that?

I pause and look at her, instead of getting the urge to bolt.

I watch her. She looks nervous. And concerned. She’s scared perhaps, and believing that if she speaks it will help.

Without any of these labels or evaluations….I’m back here with me, observing All This.

Rooted inside, connected to the earth. The room opens up, the sound of her voice seems quieter, and I notice other sounds as well.

I reach out to her with my hand and put it on her arm. If the complaining person isn’t in this room, I reach out in my heart with an energy that connects us.

I relax.

“We define enemies as those people who we believe caused or will cause our unhappiness. Neither anyone nor anything ever caused your unhappiness. Our belief that they had that power was the cause.” ~ Bruce Di Marsico

I turn the thoughts around: she shouldn’t stop complaining, I should stop complaining about her complaining, I should stop complaining about MYSELF.

She shouldn’t stop complaining: this is giving me something really powerful to look at. She’s expressing, just like all of creation. She’s offering something, being something.

Reality is: person saying things. She shouldn’t stop unless she does.

I should stop complaining about her: yikes, yes, I rattle on and on inside my head about her poor qualities. I avoid looking at myself while I ream her.

I should stop complaining about myself: Woah. Yes, like a deep core resistance inside, I felt upset the minute that complainer starts, like it’s too much for me, too hard, too upsetting, too too.

What if it is not too upsetting? What if I can be with it, no problem?

Yes, I could stop complaining that I can’t connect, be free, be intimate and love this person who is in my presence no matter what they do.

Because I can. It’s not so hard.

I can see how incredibly beautiful they are.

Can you?

“If you knew how important you are—and without the story you come to know it—you would fragment into a billion pieces and just be light. That’s what these misunderstood concepts are for: to keep you from the awareness of that. You’d have to be the embodiment if you knew it—just a fool, blind with love.” ~ Byron Katie in Question Your Thinking, Change The World

Much love, Grace

 

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Knock Knock, Who’s There? Eternal Nagging

I’ve mentioned before that the guy who’s often called the father of modern psychology, William James, is quoted as saying:

“There is nothing so fatiguing as the eternal nagging of an uncompleted task.”

But WE know it’s really about the eternal nagging of an “un-inquired thought.”

By that I mean a thought that keeps knocking…and knocking… and knocking on the door of our awareness….

…politely trying to get our attention at first.

Maybe just having a little sour feeling about some upcoming tasks.

Then you remember that incident with your mother, quite a long time ago, and you feel disturbed.

Then you have a startling moment with your teenager and the thought, you realize, is more present.

Cranking it from a gentle knock and a whisper…to a thump and a loud cough…to a louder, “HEY!,”….

And then you experience a shattering betrayal, a frightening accident, a dreadful loss.

The eternal nagging has become a scream, and it’ll kick the door down if we continue to ignore it.

It’s like the Ever Ready Bunny that keeps going…and going…and going…

Of course, I think a wonderful and safe place to “open the door,” acknowledge the knocking, and inquire into the thought and the pain, is to sit yourself down and do The Work.

You can do this in Summer Camp this summer, or a teleclass (Eating Peace will begin in a month, stay tuned), or in a Year of Inquiry if you’re serious about the practice of investigating thoughts, starting in September.

Begin by writing down what nags at you, what disturbs you. Visit your worries, invite them in.

Before they turn into really rowdy, difficult guests.

But even if they are difficult, you can do it.

Be better than well.

Much love, Grace

 

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Do You Think Someone Should Speak Up?

Yesterday morning a wonderful group of sincere inquirers called in to Summer Camp teleconference to question their stressful thinking.

The painful concept that appeared on someone’s worksheet was that someone they love should speak up.

I could relate immediately.

Have you ever had the thought that someone you care about should speak up? Say it? Stand up? Drop the quiet thing and ask for what they need?

Oh boy. I’ve had this moment with one of my kids, with a very good friend, with my dad…..and with myself.

I’ve even had people in my past say this to me, like….dang, you should give him a piece of your mind, you should tell her off, you should stand up for yourself!!!

But what every inquirer noticed in our group was that when you believe it to be true, and it’s not happening, you feel aggressive about it, frustrated, annoyed, pushy, anxious….

….and something about the whole desire for someone to speak up feels off.

You are against that person being as they are, all mute and quiet over there.

Some people feel that without the belief that speaking up should happen, then they would lose, be passive, be crushed, or be used.

It’s really helpful to ask yourself why speaking up needs to happen, from you or anyone. (And then you could ask yourself also why speaking up is frightening, if it is.)

But let’s look at that other person right now, who should speak up.

I once had a really great friend in college who was super crazy shy. Funny enough, he was also a performer, so he was on stage often. He rocked the house in theater.

But when stuff happened in his personal life, and he needed to make a request or state his point of view….he got really mumbling nervous and careful and hesitant.

He should speak up! Gawd! Spit it out!

Is it true?

Oh. Well. I’m not sure, truth be told. There could be good reasons why not talking is helpful, or waiting to speak is a calmer idea.

No, I guess it’s not true.

How do I react when I believe that thought?

Frustrated! Critical! I roll my eyes and don’t want to deal with him. I feel separate, and superior (yikes). Inside my head I’m noticing what a dorkish, weak, pathetic person he is. I think he’ll never get anywhere in life, even if he’s a good actor on stage.

Kind of intense!

But who would I be without the thought, in the presence of that person who should speak up?

A huge weight lifts off my chest, out of my heart. I feel lighter, relaxed. I notice the dearness of that person and how gentle they are, so willing to wait, be soft with words. Maybe they are confused, and yet they don’t fight or push.

I see someone doing their best, who has a different idea than me about what should be said.

I turn the thought around: he should not speak up, I should speak up to him, I should speak up to myself.

I sit with these turnarounds and look for examples.

What I wanted with this speaking up business was for him to be happy and content. Maybe he’s already happy and content, without speaking up.

Silence is pretty awesome, that’s for sure.

Oh, and perhaps since I’m the one taking notice of speaking up, I could open a conversation myself, kindly, about what I’m seeing….with my friend.

Ultimately, could I be yearning for some kind of speaking up to happen inside MOI?

Yes, I could stop speaking poorly about myself, I could stop chattering away at what I did or did not do well, I could notice how much I love that quiet non-speaking friend, child, or parent.

I could see how much happiness and contentment is present here, inside me, inside that other person, whether speaking happens or not.

Be Impeccable With Your Word. Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.~ Miguel Angel Ruiz 

Today I notice how gentle I feel towards all those sweet people who didn’t speak up confidently, and how gentle I feel towards myself for not speaking up confidently when I thought I should.

“True words aren’t eloquent; eloquent words aren’t true. Wise men don’t need to prove their point; men who need to prove their point aren’t wise….The Tao nourishes by not forcing. By not dominating, the Master leads.” ~ Tao Te Ching #81

Much love, Grace

 

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If You Knew You Wouldn’t Suffer In The Future

I love the magnificent group of people who have signed up for Summer Camp.

One person joined even though she can’t make the three live sessions per week, just to share on the forum and listen to our inquiries.

As one camper said….I’m so excited by the idea of Camp….

….because you just show up.

Sometimes, that’s a huge step and all you need to do, to begin a movement towards something in your life that you know feels important.

Even if from the outside, it looks like a baby step.

You go to a meeting, you ride your bike on a different route, you show up at someone’s party whose house you’ve never visited, you enter a different store, you enroll in a trial dance class, you park your car in a different place in your home town and take a walk.

Only once. We’re not talking for weeks or months or years.

What’s the worst that could happen?

You may think things like “I might be disappointed, it may be a waste of time, it may be a waste of money, I won’t feel better, I won’t like it, why bother.”

These thoughts are great for self-inquiry.

This past weekend I spent a good portion of Saturday afternoon working. At 8:30 pm, feeling complete, I could have started reading a book (one of my favorite things to do) but instead, wanting to show up, my husband and I went to a friend’s gathering….

….about four hours after the appointed start time. We went anyway.

We had a ball! Good conversation, happy welcome, lovely connection with friends and stayed up until 1 am.

If you have a pull towards something, it doesn’t mean that the thing you try will be the best thing you’ve ever done in your life…but how sweet to question your thinking that would prevent you from showing up.

Is it true that you MIGHT be disappointed? That it might not be fabulous? That you would waste something (time, money) potentially, by going?

Yes! Of course that’s true! Disappointing things have happened, and they may happen again!

But are you absolutely sure?

Interesting question.

It seems impossible to know whether you would love or hate something, before it happens….

….but I notice how the thought “I might not like it” is NOT hands-down absolutely without-a-doubt true. Not at all.

And what if it’s not even a risk?

Freedom to come and go, trust myself and any process that unfolds in front of me, be there or move away, no expectations….

….ahhhhh. Now that’s more relaxing.

How do you react when you believe that thought that you may have a bad time, later?

Very, very careful about trying anything new. Suspicious. Nervous. Anxious. Afraid. Isolated. Worried about being worried later on. Good lord!

And without the belief that I might experience trouble, later?

Suddenly I’m more present. I’m here now, looking around. Noticing how free I am in this moment.

Without the belief that I might be disappointed later on, so best not rock the boat….when I look at past disappointments I can look more deeply to see if they REALLY were as bad as I think.

“Egoic consciousness is always pretending to be the most important thing that is happening. And yet there’s this thread, this sense of something other than, deeper than, more real than, more essential than this scattered and divided noise that so many human beings live in, in their minds. And right in the midst of all that, there is a presence, there is an awareness, an unconditioned awareness, an unconditioned consciousness. Right in the middle of this conditioned mind, conditioned consciousness, is this shining, unconditioned essence.” ~ Adyashanti

Turning the thoughts around: I might have a fantastic time, I will enjoy myself, I’ll like it, it’s not possible to waste money or time, I’ll feel better, I’ll learn something.

All just as true, or truer. 

In this moment right here, now, I notice that as I consider the turnarounds I’m happy, content, safe, open, curious, aware, learning, growing.

I can notice this about even the tiniest thing, the smallest proof of peace, here in this moment right now. Even if two seconds before I was remembering disappointment, or worried about things not going well tomorrow.

“Who would you be without the thought that you’re going to suffer in the future? This moment is all there is, and I can promise you that it’s all there ever will be. You’re standing in your future….You’re living your future right now. How are you doing? This is the only moment there is, everything else is imagination.” ~ Byron Katie

So today, I show up, here. This moment. Looking around and noticing how beautiful my surroundings, how fascinating, how everything just keeps getting better and better the more I relax.

The best of all, you are showing up too. You’re here, right?

That’s enough.

Much love, Grace

P.S. You can still join Summer Camp. Great people to meet and connect with for doing your work. Write grace@workwithgrace.com if you want to come on board.

 

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What If I Invite Them, And They Don’t Come?

Breitenbush Hot Springs Retreat June 25-29 has a car camping spot, plus one camp site, for anyone to stay on the grounds who wants to attend our retreat, which is bursting full (can’t wait to be with everyone who is coming)!

We’ve been moved to a larger retreat space at Breitenbush because of all the fabulous people enrolled (it’s called the River Yurt).

If you thought you were too late to come to Breitenbush, and you’re happy camping in a gorgeous old-growth forest near natural hot springs….then you’re in luck.

But call today, these last few spaces will go speedy quick.

******

There’s such an astonishing quantity of inner beliefs around inviting, gathering, bringing people together, raising the roof, creating a tribe, forming a posse.

Even if you’re imagining a birthday celebration for yourself, with other people, and you want those you love to come together in one place, on the same day (preferably, ha ha!)….

….that one idea of putting out the invite alone is slightly stressful for some people.

Whether you’re super crazy shy or just a little uncomfortable with loads of attention and asking people to join you, little thoughts can appear that aren’t exactly friendly.

You may be a manager at work who has to get all the staff to come to a meeting, you may want to create a meaningful moment before a big occasion, you may want moral support from your very besties, you may be wanting to fill up a workshop or an event because you’re a healer with something important to offer, you may want to ask someone on a date.

Such an exciting idea!!

But then…..here come the thoughts:

  • no one will be available
  • they won’t want to come
  • I need to make sure they have a stunning mind-blowing magnificent time, or else they’ll never want to see me again
  • they’ll think I am (fill in the blank; boring, stupid, unworthy, attention-seeking, selfish, childish, inexperienced, unpolished, silly, unimportant, meek)
  • if everyone says no, it will prove I’m unworthy (and alone)
If you feel these kinds of thoughts, without questioning them, you’ll probably have a few butterflies in your stomach as you get ready to create an event.
Or a terrible sinking feeling of nerves-on-ice.
If you have a dream, and then you notice some doubts about who will show up to join you in that dream….
….let’s do The Work on it today and see what happens.
(It will be good).
The first thing to do is to get a really good solid picture of the WORST thing that could happen.
Seriously.
You invite people to your graduation party, and one or two people show up. They stay for a polite amount of time and exit.
Or whatever your scenario.
You know it’s already crossed your mind! So just go ahead and go there.
As you think about that uncomfortable future possibility….
….see if it’s true that it would be a bad thing if no one showed up, if the cute man you’ve wanted to ask to tea said no, or if your wedding was attended by only half the number you expected?
Yes. It’s true.
That would suck.
Are you positive?
Kind of. Um. Yeah, I’m pretty sure it would be bad.
How do you react when you believe it would be HORRIBLE if no one showed? That it means there’s something wrong with you, you are not liked, you’re boring?
How do you react when you think other people think you’re a dork? Or unworthy?
Sinking, sinking down to the bottom of the lake. Very disappointed. Sad. I’m stupid.
I should never have asked.
Ow.
But who would you be without those beliefs?
If you couldn’t even have the thought that it’s bad if no one shows up, that you aren’t important, or that it’s hard to invite people to things?
Oh. That’s different.
Yes, it’s more…..fun. It’s easy. It’s not a big effort, it’s just a question. I’m expressing an idea into the universe and seeing if there are others who want to join.
It’s not personal.
I can even keep asking, if I continue to want company, without expectation, for the joy of asking!
Without any of these beliefs, that future horror movie moment when it’s a supposed disaster is not a disaster. It’s just quieter, or more intimate than I thought it would be.
Just me, and silence.
I like silence.
I turn the thoughts around:
  • everyone will be available
  • they will want to come
  • I do NOT need to make sure they have a stunning mind-blowing magnificent time, I could make sure I myself have a stunning mind-blowing magnificent time
  • they’ll think I am (exciting, brilliant, worthy, content, self-confident, playful, experienced, polished, deep, important, strong)….and they’ll think whatever they think
  • if everyone says no, it proves nothing, and being alone is wonderful

“Success is an internal experience that’s lived out with nothing to stop it. If you could get this, it’s the end of suffering, the end of shortages…..Show me any area when you cannot play big. And no one ever has to know, it can be a secret. Every step is for you, for you, for you. Everything becomes big when you’re in service. You can’t even claim the service. When you’re aware of your life and how amazing you are, you see how amazing everything is. Even the ground that supports your next step.” ~ Byron Katie

  Wow, oh wow. Invite everyone. Don’t invite anyone. All absolutely brilliantly wonderful. This moment, now, full of such joyful sensation that I notice…. …everything and everyone is coming.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Definitely room in Summer Camp June Session. Group calls are Monday afternoons, Tuesday mornings, Thursday mid-mornings Pacific time. Try it, you might like it. Inquiry freedom! I’m inviting you–hee hee!

 

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Who Doesn’t Get The Work?

I don’t get it.

That’s what I heard the other day when someone was referred to me by a close friend.

We were talking about The Work, coaching, goals and why his friend might have referred him to me.

As I spoke to this man, who reported he was happy in his career, his life as a single dad, and the status of his relationship with his previous wife….

….he eventually shared with me that he felt unrest.

Like a general malaise, a thought “is this all there is?” about life in general.

He felt bored.

He asked me what The Work entailed, never having heard of it before, ever.

I said that it was about questioning your thoughts that bring about anxiety, confusion, rage, sadness, despair…

….and boredom.

Then I asked him if he’d like to do The Work on his idea that life is boring for him, just a short overview, to take a look.

When I asked him who he would be without the belief that life is dull, bland, boring, discouraging….

….he said “I don’t get it.”

I shared a little more….”You imagine who you might be if you couldn’t even be thinking that thought that you’re bored, looking around at life, your environment, your world.”

He said it didn’t really make sense. That it was nice to imagine, but that’s not reality.

He said he was very grateful for the call.

But later, after hanging up, I was like “Phew, he has a long way to go.” I wonder if I’ll ever talk to him again.

And then The Work bubbling up immediately.

Is that really true?

Think about someone you think has a long road ahead, a big gap to bridge, someone who is confused, someone who doesn’t get it who you kinda wished DID get it.

How do you react when you believe they need to get something, including The Work?

Whether slight concern or really frustrated, it’s stressful.

But who would you be without the belief that the person in mind should get it, or even needs to? Without the thought in your head that they should be different, or understand what you’re saying, or grasp ANYTHING more than they do?

“You see persons and things not as they are but as you are.” ~ Anthony De Mello

In that moment of thought as it passes, where I think someone should get something, who is the one who doesn’t get it?

Maybe, that would be me!

“Enlightenment can be measured by how compassionately and wisely you interact with others–with all others, not just those who support you in the way that you want. How you interact with those who do not support you shows how enlightened you really are.” ~ Adyashanti

Thank you, person who didn’t get The Work in that moment.

Thank you everyone who doesn’t get whatever they don’t get, giving me time to practice and feel the joy of being compassionate with others, no matter what.

And thank you to myself for not getting anything, until I did. I trust the universe to handle what I get, when I get it…

…its a lot lighter that way.

Much love, Grace

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How To Practice The Work As Meditation

The first time I ever meditated, it partially drove me crazy and partially thrilled me.

I had to set the alarm to meditate 15 minutes from start to finish, because before using the alarm, I would keep peeking at the clock to see how much time had gone by.

I took a meditation class about 25 years ago. I only showed up once.

And yet, I was quite interested. Someone gave me a book about meditation and its wonders.

I wasn’t sure what the fuss was all about….but I was still curious.

I would decide “I’m going to meditate every morning!” and strangely, never do it. Or do it for a few days, then never again.

It seemed like it would pop right out of my mind, or get stuffed under the rug because other things were more important…like getting kids to school.

I knew I needed support. Just to DO it!

So I registered again for another meditation class, and this time, I went every single week. We meditated for about 30 minutes every time in silence. I always closed my eyes and sat with my classmates in the circle, holding quite still.

I rarely meditated in between classes, but oh, that time in silence during class was peaceful, sometimes full of thinking, curious and frustrating all at once.

After the class was over, can you guess how often I meditated?

Yah, you got it.

Never.

A friend of mine at a party said she was going on a silent meditation retreat. We had our young children, playing in the grass around our feet.

I felt envious.

Dang…I still want to meditate!

I signed up for a different class, and then a retreat with the same teacher where we meditated a whole lot, for two-hour silent sessions several times a day for five days.

After that, for quite some time I meditated an hour a day by myself at home, every morning.

I didn’t question it, or get distracted, or decide it wasn’t important. I never missed my morning sitting.

It’s funny how something interesting and desired can be “hard” to practice if it’s new.

Like a new habit, one day it becomes vital to you. Instead of just thinking about doing it, you do it.

Then you get to see how it really works for YOU. You’re not doing it because you should, or other people think you should, or it’s the right thing to do.

You’re doing it because you love doing it, it fits who you are.

This same thing happened to me with doing The Work of Byron Katie.

At the beginning, after reading Loving What Is….I got up and walked away from my couch after five minutes of trying to answer the questions in a notebook.

There was laundry to do! I don’t have time for this!

Then I went to one evening lecture by Byron Katie in my home town. Then I signed up for a weekend workshop with Katie.

Even though I loved reading Loving What Is and doing The Work in those sessions with Katie, I never seemed to sit down and do it on my own at home.

I finally went to The School for The Work…there wasn’t anyone else offering classes in The Work that I knew of in my city, or practice sessions in The Work (this was almost ten years ago).

The School lasts 9 days, and you do The Work every single day, all day long, with various exercises to help identify your thoughts and investigate your stressful beliefs.

Finally, by doing The Work, I really got the power of The Work.

And guess what happened after I went to The School?

I’d find myself upset, sad, frightened and remember to do The Work…..but not always take the full amount of time out to complete it.

The only way I kept going with it, steadily, was to find partners who would facilitate me and I would facilitate them.

We made appointments.

I had one wonderful partner for two years, every single Monday, and we did The Work for nearly two hours every time we traded facilitations.

The Work, just like meditation (it is actually a form of meditation on the mind and what its doing) is not so easy to begin to do as a practice, if you’re busy living a full life like so many people are.

You may need to get the hang of it before it sticks.

You may need to schedule it in as a top priority, right into your calendar, so you make the time to do it.

That’s what Summer Camp for The Mind is for.

It’s an easy way to begin putting The Work into your schedule, for a fraction of the cost of a full course or individual sessions.

It’s a way to pick a time, just two days per month are necessary (but more are available for no extra charge if you want them).

You call in at the appointed time, for 90 minutes, and the group does The Work.

I’ll facilitate you. You don’t have to do it “right” or know anything fancy.

Experienced people and beginners will all be there, everyone is welcome.

You’ll pick a situation you’ve found uncomfortable, or terrifying, and write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet on it (you’ll learn separately all about how to fill this out if you don’t know already) and then we’ll practice The Work.

Like meditation, all you need is willingness, an eagerness to understand yourself, and an open mind.

If I could do this, anyone can. You can too. You can question your mind and change your world.

June Summer Camp starts in two days.

You’ll join an online forum immediately (I’ll set you up in a googlegroup) and then live calls will begin on Monday.

You pick your favorite call-in group: (Monday 4 pm, Tuesday 8 am, or Thursday 9:30 am).

Each group is limited to 20 people maximum live participants. But you can listen to all the groups, all three days, at any time if you are enrolled in Summer Camp.

You only pay $97 for one whole month.

The savings to facilitated inquiry in this unique Summer Camp format is extensive. Normal classes are $395 for two months, and the equivalent fee for solo sessions would be far more.

If you’re ready to give The Work more time in your life in a light, easy way through the summer (like camp!) then Join Me.

Let’s do this together.

I can’t wait to meet you.

To sign up now for June, click here: undefined

To learn more about it, click HERE.

“Do The Work for breakfast” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace