Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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You’re Supposed To Have Fun On Saturday Night

This past weekend included a Monday holiday in the USA, so we had a long weekend.

I actually put down my computer, set aside skype, mostly put away my calendar, and did not work with clients for One Whole Day.

I must admit, I have a returning whirling dervish attitude towards getting stuff done sometimes.

Like a wave of a feeling, it comes on and shouts “Don’t dink around, accomplish stuff, go, go, go!”

(Do you remember the children’s book “Go Dog, Go?” Well, it’s like that, only not so many parties.)

Even though I didn’t put so many clients on my schedule, on the weekend afternoon I set aside what I thought would be two hours to do website updates, learn a new software program, and do accounting.

My husband and I had talked of going to a movie that night, a somewhat rare treat.

I rolled through the accounting, I devoted time to learning….two hours went by like that (snap).

Then I started working on some stuff for Year of Inquiry and Summer Camp and then next time I looked up it was 6:30 pm.

Getting kind of close to not being able to go to an earlier movie.

Husband knocked on the door and said in his incredibly kind way “are you free?” I said no, maybe in a little while.

The next time I looked up it was 9 pm. Then 10:15. Too late for any movies.

Then it was 11:30 pm, still working, and Saturday night, over.

I had accomplished a lot, but had a wave of disappointment. Wasn’t this evening supposed to be spent having time with my partner, enjoying the fantasy story of a movie?

When I was a teenager, we used to say we were “vegging out”. Like a vegetable.

Just….doing nothing. Hanging out. Playing, talking, lying around.

Oh those days, where have they gone? Where did my Saturday night just go?

Dang it.

I should have stopped and taken a break. That’s what life is for. Enjoying and having fun. Jeez. What’s wrong with me. I’m becoming a workaholic. Why can’t I just chill?

Is it true?

Yes. It’s almost midnight and I started this project at 3 in the afternoon!

Can I absolutely know that it’s true, that I should have stopped and interrupted that creative, intense flow?

No.

But I wanted to see Spiderman! I missed out. My very patient husband kinda wanted to spend time with me and I with him.

How do you react when you believe that thought?

Frantic. A sinking feeling. Not enough time on this planet for it all. I can’t do it fast enough. Quick, quick, needa get it done.

Tired.

So who would you be without that belief that what you did prevented you from doing something else more fun? Or that what you chose eliminated something else, at all?

There’s the picture of a dinner out plus Spiderman night, and the actual reality of a torrent of creative energy and tasks unfolding.

I know very well that when I believe something else should have happened than what actually happened….

….it’s rather disturbing.

“As long as you think that the cause of your problem is “out there”—as long as you think that anyone or anything is responsible for your suffering—the situation is hopeless. It means that you are forever in the role of victim, that you’re suffering in paradise.” ~ Byron Katie

Even if I think I am suffering because of ME and my own choices and my own propensity to over-do things, or because of my own mind being very one-tracked at times.

Thinking I did it wrong and that there’s someone to blame (me) creates trouble.

I turn the thoughts around: I should NOT have stopped and taken any break. That’s what life is for. I was enjoying and having fun. Yay! Things are right with me. I’m becoming a joy-aholic. I have fun on Saturday nights doing anything! 

I didn’t miss out.

Wow. That’s actually all very true. It’s all truer.

“When you say, I enjoy doing this or that, it is really a misperception. It makes it appear that the joy comes from what you do, but that is not the case. Joy does not come from what you do, it flows into what you do and thus into this world from deep within you.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

I love catching even these tiny quick moments of fleeting disappointment and turning them around.

Hand-clapping wonderful!

And the next day….dance, meditation, talking with family, friends, vacuuming, music, singing, Spiderman.

Much love, Grace

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Summer Camp Freedom!

Summer Camp For The Mind is coming soon!

You can join for one month, or two, or all three…any months you choose for June, July, August.

What’s Summer Camp For The Mind?

It’s a program to support your inner enlightenment, give you community of other like-minded inquirers, make time to connect with others, refine your practice in self-inquiry using The Work, and keep awareness alive of questioning who you are and what you believe that creates stress.

Instead of nodding off to sleep, like I’ve done so often.

We do all this with live sessions and sharing online in a private forum.

Whether your primary issue right now is a partner, being single, money, job, boss, mother, father, overeating, sister, child, neighbor, pain, addiction, death…

…all of the above (so many encounters have perhaps created confusion, worry or discomfort in the past)…

…you get to look very deeply at your thinking, and you might discover what you’re looking at changes.

I’ve offered so many call-in times for Summer Camp For The Mind that you are almost certain to get some individual attention at a fraction of the cost of solo sessions.

There will be live 90 minute dial-in sessions on Monday late afternoons, Tuesday mornings, and Thursday later mornings, all Pacific time.

Plus a private email web forum for posting your work and sharing insights and finding partners to work with.

Check out the Summer Camp for The Mind page for more information by clicking right HERE.

A rare opportunity unlike anything I’ve ever offered.

Each month is only $97 for everything available during that entire month: live calls, online written exercises, forum sharing.

You just write to me and say which month you want to participate, or you can click here now if you’re joining for June:

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You don’t even need to pack your bags, or bring your toothbrush…all you need to bring is an open mind.

Woohoo! Summer Camp! Freedom!

Much love, Grace

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See Through Your Fear And Be Safe

My husband just reminded me that one year ago, we were on an airplane to Bali.

What a spectacular adventure, a luscious and very, very different place from where I call home in the Pacific Northwest. It was an entertaining series of connections, hilarious events, and profound beauty and adventure.

I must admit….I was nervous as we got on the airplane. Even the plane was unusual. Many of the people didn’t speak English, a humongous jet plane with 500+ people flying half way across the globe to Taipei.

And then another plane for yet another six hours or so all the way to the island of Bali in Indonesia.

I will never forget that very first night someplace brand new. People have them from time to time in their lives. The first night on a vacation, the first night in a new home, the first night after a huge change has occurred in life.

Before life was one way, now life is another way.

Our first night in Bali, as we climbed into the beautiful bed very tired after a huge number of hours traveling….

….there were sounds.

I mean, not just a bird call through the tall jungle trees. I’m talking SOUNDS.

Chirps, hums, hoots, howls, scampers, thumps, flapping.

We turned the light back on.

I glanced toward the bedside table at the half-eaten chocolate bar a good friend gave us for the journey. It was covered with swarming ants.

I had no idea, in a million years, that I would have the thought, almost like a feeling without thought….

….I am not safe.

Logically, I already knew I was safe. We’re in a gorgeous wood-carved elegant grass-roofed bungalow, the windows are unlatched and open to an inky warm night.

I chuckled to my husband and we tried connecting to internet but knew there wasn’t any.

We turned the light off again.

I was perhaps just barely drifting off, finally, when all of the sudden a loud sound kind of like a kazoo blasting through our room, followed by the call being repeated softer, softer, softer, then silence.

Was that a bird? What the heck?

Light on again. My heart beating fast.

Fortunately for me (and for my husband) I have The Work. I felt very anxious and was having a hard time going to sleep. I asked myself….is it true that I am not safe?

I’m not sure. My heart is beating. This is very different. So, yes.

Can you be absolutely certain, that you aren’t safe in that situation?

No. Humans live here.

How do I react when I think something isn’t safe?

This doesn’t have to be visiting another country. The wave of nervousness or anxiety might come over you some time. What happens when you believe it is true? That it means something real?

RUN! HELP! PANIC! HIDE!

Often, after the initial fearful experience, the mind kicks in trying to take over running, analyzing, and understanding the situation.

But who would you be without the thought that you are not safe? That you are threatened? That you need a solution, NOW?

“It is easy to be swept away by some overwhelming feeling, so it’s helpful to remember that any stressful feeling is like a compassionate alarm clock that says, ‘You’re caught in the dream’.” ~ Byron Katie

This is truly profound to consider, just in your own imagination, who you would be without the belief that you are not safe.

You might go to sleep (that’s what I did!)

You might laugh, you might sob, you’d feel alive, full of peace, powerful, direct, in the flow, receptive, open, clear, connected, awed, friendly, expectant, still.

I continue to practice recognizing this deep, underlying belief that I am not safe, wasn’t safe before, and will not be safe again in the future.

I turn the thought around: I am safe.

What does “safe” even mean? What do I think is threatened here? Who is this “I” who is unsafe or safe?

Some days later after that first night, we met with good friends from Seattle and were staying in another area. We saw a big lizard about 8 inches long on the wall, with little suction feet.

Someone said, “oh, you hear those guys all the time with their big one-time call at night like a big warning bell that starts loud and gets softer and softer.”

WOW! THAT was what startled me so wildly I couldn’t sleep? It’s so tame looking, it doesn’t bite people, and they even have stories about the interpretation of how many beats the sounds last and what those might mean.

Enchanting!

And I notice I was safe, whether I “knew” what the sound was or not.

Remembering that incredible adventure now, the exotic, unusual, wonderful air, the smells, the land, the feel….

….I delight in seeing that whatever I imagine needs protection is not exactly “mine” (or even “real”) in the first place: my body, my identity, my country, my relationship, my money, my home.

Traveling to Bali offered the experience of swimming in the sea of this reality, without knowing what it means.

That can happen right here, right now, no matter where you are, familiar or new.

“There is no greater illusion than fear, no greater wrong than preparing to defend yourself, no greater misfortune than having an enemy. Whoever can see through all fear will always be safe.” ~ Tao Te Ching #46

In this moment, I look around with fresh new eyes at the computer screen, the leaves in the wind through the glass window, I feel the chair beneath me, I hear the murmur of people outside walking by.

Feeling the safety of only one important thing, the only thing that’s ever always been here without change, this center within.

Much love, Grace

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Is Saying Goodbye Hard?

Yesterday was the very last session of the first Year of Inquiry group that’s been meeting since June last year.

Wow, what a spectacular experience.

During our last month together, the topic has been Death, Endings, Parting Ways, Goodbyes.

Today we looked at the belief “goodbyes are hard”. 

 Such a simple thought, and so full of sadness, drama, memories, anticipation.

Questioning the thought doesn’t mean you arrive and land on a new belief that goodbyes are easy….maybe they are hard and that’s actually completely OK with you, with life, with reality.

But it’s very powerful to look at why you think they are hard, and who is this “you” who believes so resolutely that goodbyes (especially in death) are dreadful.

One wonderful inquirer had a situation where he was alone in the house, concerned that his wife may not return. Another inquirer considered the loss of her ego, her own identity. Someone else had already experienced a shocking sudden death of her partner in the past.

What if there MIGHT be a goodbye? What if something terrible happens?

Let’s look.

Goodbyes are hard…..is that true?

Yes. I’d do anything to talk with my dad again. Accidents, illness, death, break-ups, loss, time passing, friendships ending, people moving away.

Sad! Horrible! Painful! Confusing! WHY?!

But can you absolutely KNOW that it’s true that Goodbyes are hard?

No. Not in every part of me. My mind may think so, but I also notice that I don’t think about my father 24/7. At all. Thoughts appear, then they dissolve.

I don’t really know if they are “hard” at all. Grief pours out, then it passes.

How do you react when you believe that Goodbyes are hard?

People have many reactions: avoid connecting too deeply, stay connected even though its time to move on, fail to notice that all is very well even when someone leaves, pine, cry, feel hopeless.

Now….who would you be without that belief that Goodbyes are hard?

What if Goodbyes are easy? What if Goodbyes are soft?

Bizarre, right?

But I notice that it’s profound to not believe, right here in this moment, that endings are terrible. Shakespeare said “parting is such sweet sorrow.”

In my life, it is beautiful to let go of all the control, allow reality to include both goodbyes and hellos. (All the inquirers had a chuckle thinking about the turnaround “Hello’s are hard”….good to see why and explore THAT one a bit!)

Because I notice I have zero control over all this coming and going anyway. Trusting it might be a good idea.

“If I were to tell the story of reality, it would have to be a love story. The story would be told as life lives itself out, always kinder and kinder, with twists and turns that cannot be projected into the distance. For example, if my daughter dies, I realize that there is no self to be affected. It’s not about me. This is about her life, my child’s life, and I celebrate her freedom, because I know the freedom of unidentified mind–the unceasing body-less mind that is finally awake to itself, the mind that never existed as a her, and the her that can never die.” ~ Byron Katie 

In the end on our touching, deep and astounding call yesterday, I felt such gratitude for the hellos and goodbyes I’ve encountered with every single YOI member, and every human I’ve ever met.

And how astonishing to consider and sit in awe of these turnarounds: I am willing to say goodbye, I am willing to have the thought that goodbyes are hard, to feel separated, to part ways, to die, to have others die who I love.

I look forward to all the ways in my life to come when I will say goodbye, I look forward to when I will have the thought that it’s hard, when I may feel separated, when I part ways, to die, to have others die who I love.

The weight that is lifted in being open to all change, five minutes from now, five years from now, fifteen years from now, fifty years from now….is a weight worth putting down.

If you’d like to join the next Year of Inquiry and really begin a regular practice with a guaranteed fabulous group, we’ll begin again in September 2014. Registration is not open yet for YOI, but you can write to me if you’re interested as it is by application only by hitting reply.

“Seeing into darkness is clarity. Knowing how to yield is strength. Use your own light and return to the source of light. This is called practicing eternity.” ~ Tao Te Ching #52

Much love, Grace

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The Teacher You Need Is The One You’re Living With

The spring air was sweet, the rhododendrons bursting with ecstatic pink and red colors, the green everywhere all vivid and boisterous.

I went to a special event with my 17 year old daughter where someone showed up in the row in front of us who I went to college with, someone else in the same row recognized me from a long ferry ride six years ago, an old neighbor ran into me at the end in the aisle. I loved being there, the air was happy.

My daughter and I grocery-shopped and exchanged comments on how much we loved that store, everybody smiles there! So homey!

All was well!

Until…

….a little after returning home.

After happily unpacking groceries, checking emails, and doing a few other tasks, I went out to the garage looking for my husband, to say hello and see how his morning went.

When I opened the door of the garage, the loud sound of hockey on the TV, a container of friend chicken mostly eaten, an empty bottle of coke on the desk.

Instant thought: this is a waste of time and health.

Heh heh.

The moment washed through me and left as quick as a flash flood, but I remember a time when I would enter this kind of scene and act like I was under some kind of attack in the middle of a war zone, my judgment and defense was so up.

On the inside of course, I wouldn’t run screaming from the room and hide under a table. But you would think I’d been very seriously threatened, the way I was all fuming up on the inside with anti-TV and anti-junk-food commentary.

Here are some questions to ask yourself, to dissect that irritated moment and look more closely: When you see that situation, why is it bad? What’s wrong with that behavior, that scene, that person doing those things? What’s the worse that could happen, if it continues? What does it mean for you?

In my situation, it meant nothing creative is occurring, health is being jeopardized, time is being “wasted”.

Why should that person change? How would it make your life easier? Don’t immediately feel embarrassed for being selfish or hyper-critical…listen to yourself closely.

Then investigate with The Work.

The lists of needs that people have for their partners can be insanely long. People get really squirrelly about this, like even if they are seeking a mate and they are single.

I need my partner to never waste time, have good taste in music, clothes and art, eat well, maintain excellent health, be patient at all times, be creative, be successful, be wise, wealthy, unusual, spiritual, cutting edge, good conversationalist….you may have your list unconsciously placed in your mind and not even know it.

But that’s what you need…..is it true?

No.

If you answered “yes”, see if it’s absolutely 100% true beyond a shadow of a doubt.

How do you react when you think someone should be like “x” and they are not? Or you can’t even find a person who is “x”?

Annoyed, irritable, fuming, critical and vicious. Maybe even sad, disappointed and isolating.

Once I knew a woman who had complained about her husband for 15 years. Every time I talked with her, she confided in me the same complaint.

He was always passive, not romantic enough, a workaholic, bland and lacked passion.

Who would you be without the thought that the behavior you’re witnessing is bothersome, in any way whatsoever?

Yes, really.

If you never thought that was wrong, a waste, troubling or bad…for you or for them.

Pretty amazing, pretty fun. No need to control, harp, get upset, and a lightness within, a return to your own inner self.

Without the thought, I get to come back to me and simply see what I prefer in this moment. I don’t need to make anyone agree with me, I just move out of the room, or the thoughts unravel themselves and I notice how fun this game is, how playful the atmosphere.

Turning the thought around…

My thinking is a waste of time and health, not his behavior.

Yikes!

“The teacher you need is the person you’re living with.” ~ Byron Katie

The thing is, I can love with all my heart, and it doesn’t mean I need to watch hockey. But if I do, I could be surprised and curious, and enjoy it or learn something new.

Without any time and joy-wasting thoughts that I need to see certain qualities (or, I demand certain qualities) the freedom is so immense, it’s incredible.

I give up the imaginary person and notice the real one instead.

The real husband in my particular situation is one of the most happy, loving, joyful, accepting, wise people I’ve ever known. And he shows me what playing, relaxing and being looks like.

“Sanity doesn’t suffer, ever. A clear mind is beautiful and sees only its own reflection. It bows in humility to itself; it falls at its own feet. It doesn’t add anything or subtract anything; it simply knows the difference between what’s real and what’s not. And because of this, danger isn’t a possibility.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

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Hurting And Not Hurting Flow Together

Yesterday I had to lie flat on my bed all afternoon, taking ibuprofen (anti-inflammatory pain pills).

Remember the right hamstring story from six months ago?

Well, even if you don’t….this lower right back hamstring nerve area was hurting, the place I tore last year followed by surgery. I tweaked it dancing recently. Again.

Rats. There is nothing good about this! Fist shaking at the sky!

This is definitely a problem!!

Doing The Work on physical ailments can be really amazing. Let’s go for it!

Is it true that this is bad, I hate the pain, nothing good can come of it? Is it true that it hurts?

Yes. I can still feel it now, what are you talking about…is it true.Jeez.

But can you absolutely know that this is a bad situation, a situation to hate, a problem, a difficulty…that this really does hurt?

No.

I worked with clients, answered emails, even had an awesome session with a beautiful inquirer who always devotes two hours to her work, and my back and hamstring never crossed my mind during any of these activities or interactions.

How do I react when I don’t like the physical sensation I feel?

I clutch against it. I think about the future and how it will get worse. I think things like “I have to stop dancing, I can’t bike, I can’t run, I’m aging, this is getting worse, there is no way for this to go but downhill, I’ll be dealing with this forever until I’m dead.”

I get pictures of my mom and her own back issues and want to interview her about exactly every minutia of experience she’s had, what she did, how I can short cut the process to No Pain.

I react also by ignoring the pain. Pain, what pain? Who cares?

So who would you be without the thought that this is wrong, difficult, bad, that I’m against this sensation? Without the thought that I hurt?

“You put someone that understands the mind in a cell and lock the door and tell them that they’re never going to be released and that’s it for life……and if they love everything they think, then they really are experiencing gratitude. If they don’t love what they think, it’s a torture chamber.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought, I notice a very strong sensation, tingling, I want to either lie still or shift around. I notice I forget about it as the mind becomes interested in other things, the room gets fuller, then the attention towards this area becomes more acute again.

I feel pressure, like a rock with sharp edges, stuck in my lower right back. I think of calling the doctor, or calling the physical therapist….maybe I do.

Without the thought that this is a grave, serious, terrible, difficult or annoying situation (this could apply to any situation, right?) then I am simply here, living this experience.

“It’s amazing to see what we end up doing with our Will. We actually assert our will in opposition to the flow of life. If something happens that we don’t like, we resist it. But since what we’re resisting has already taken place, what good is it to resist?…It does not do anything to the reality of that situation.” ~ Michael Singer

Turning the thought around: this is a wonderful situation, it doesn’t hurt. 

This is not denial, it’s actually playing with the awareness of all things, all sides….entering non-duality.

Yesterday, I lay in bed and did The Work with others for 7 hours. I had breaks, I wrote, I got up and ate a delicious orange and leftover pizza. I talked with my funny and beautiful daughter.

How spectacular to notice that even though it hurts, it also doesn’t hurt.

Much love, Grace

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Find Your Invincible Summer

Many people have been writing to me about Summer Camp for The Mind 2014……A Space Odyssey.

Just kidding about the Space Odyssey part! (Sort of!)

Because actually….being with the mind is often like entering a huge infinite space.

There are so many thoughts, perceptions, and constant incoming data and sensations all day long. The mind is logging events, information, words, pictures, feelings, ideas, assumptions, conclusions, doubts.

Trouble is…..space feels sometimes frightening (sometimes absolutely terrifying) and sometimes joyfully and wildly expansive.

But I love that venturing into this crazy frontier only needs to happen one thought at a time.

Like a meditation practice, I can sit, inquire, ponder the silence and enter the place where maybe, just maybe, its OK to Not Know.

A most wonderful, simple, step-by-step way to enter the space of the mind, full of freedom and possibilities, and love….through inquiry.

That’s what we’ll do in Summer Camp.

Here’s how Summer Camp for The Mind will work in a nutshell:

  • There will be several live dial-in options to call and do The Work with a small group of inquirers. You can be in the working hot seat, share your own answers as the inquiry progresses, or choose to listen only.
  • All calls will be recorded so if you miss, you can listen later.
  • Everyone will have access to a totally private membership site to share their work, answers, questions, comments.
  • Some live telecalls will address very common underlying beliefs. Come with an open mind, ready for exploration. You may find unexpected lightness by the end of inquiry.
  • Flat fee of $97 per month for June, July and August, you can come and go as you please. Sign up or opt-out any time.
  • Telecall times are Tuesday mornings, Thursday later mornings, and Monday late afternoons all Pacific Time. Call when it’s best for you and enter the peace of inquiry.
I’m offering Summer Camp For The Mind for you if you’re ready to try group calls without long-term commitment, if you’re interested in Year Of Inquiry but want a “taste” first of how it feels, or if you’re ready to put self-inquiry into deeper practice in your life.
Because….I didn’t do The Work once and have fireworks go off and never need or want to do it again.
Not at all. Like meditation, this has been a glorious, ongoing, steady practice.
The more I’ve played in inquiry, the easier life has become. Or, was life already easy…and I just didn’t see it that way, yet?
“In the depth of winter I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer.” ~ Albert Camus

I would love for you to join me in exploring your own invincible summer. We start online on Sunday, June 1st, and the first telecall is Monday, June 2rd. We’ll camp all summer until the end of August.

Exact telecall dates are HERE. Seven Monday late afternoons, seven Tuesday mornings, seven Thursday later mornings, all Pacific Time.

“This work is meditation. It’s like diving into yourself. Contemplate the questions, drop down into the depths of yourself, listen, and wait. The answer will find your question. The mind will join the heart, no matter how closed down or hopeless you think you are…” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve had trouble staying steady for a period of time in inquiry. Join a tribe of fascinating fellow-investigators.

Can’t wait to meet you.

Much love, Grace

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That Thought Is But A Dream

The other morning I woke up with a vivid dream in my mind. It wasn’t even real, it was a dream.

But I felt sad.

In the dream, I stopped by the home of very, very dear friends who I haven’t been in contact with for several years. It was a home I spent lots and lots of time in for about 5-6 years when my son was first born. My son is now about to turn 20.

They gave me a tour of their home in the dream. It had been remodeled multiple times, holding more and more rooms. I asked my friends questions, and they politely answered, but I kinda got the feeling like they were wondering why the heck I stopped by.

They weren’t welcoming. More like….why are you here, and when are you leaving, and we aren’t that interested.

I felt embarrassed.

AND IT WAS A DREAM!

Kind of amazing to think about that….the reaction doesn’t care if it was “real” or “imagined”.

For the next few hours I thought about those old friends who I dearly loved, who supported me in many ways back then….feeling gratitude, and regret, and loss, and appreciation all mixed up together….and then the thought hit me:

I’m horrible at maintaining friendships.

I work too much, I get too focused and passionate, I’m obsessive, I’m intense, I’m introverted, I have an attachment disorder, look at all the people I once was close with who are now not in my life! OMG!

Ha ha! When I thought that, I almost burst out laughing.

The mind will run through all kinds of possibilities, in fact EVERY possibility you can think of, with great dramatic flair.

Well, OK,  this mind apparently does that.

Giving this kind of dramatic personal thought respectful consideration can be profoundly eye-opening with The Work.

Is it true that there is something wrong with my ability to connect, to have friendships, or that they might not be interested (God forbid)?

Yes. I isolate. I’m very one-track minded. I’m like a dog with a bone. I’m not very expressive. I don’t try very hard. I like the Cone of Silence too much. And they aren’t interested, or they would have called me.

What personality trait do YOU have, that you criticize yourself for having?

Can you absolutely know that it’s true there’s something wrong with you? That the way it goes for you is not good? That being that way creates loss, or difficulty, for others (or for you)?

No. I can’t know that. Sigh.

How do you react when you list your faults? Or even believe one of them is true?

Must. Get. Rid. Of. Defect.

I “work” on myself.

When that doesn’t work, I get depressive, discouraged, unforgiving…..sad.

But who would you be without believing the thought that you’re horrible at something, that you’re too “x” or not enough “y”?

“If you wish to be fully alive, you must develop a sense of perspective. Life is infinitely greater than this trifle your heart is attached to and which you have given the power to so upset you.” ~ Tony De Mello

Oh, you mean….remember that IT WAS A DREAM?

Turning the thoughts around, I am fabulous at maintaining friendships. Gosh…I even dream about them 15 years later! I remember some people, then I forget, then I remember, and I feel such gratitude. I feel my heart warming up and delighting in how fun they were.

I am this kind of personality, sort of, apparently…and that changes and morphs and I’m not really sure. I’m the opposite of everything I think; extroverted, unfocused, easy-going, attached and a great friend.

All I know is, doing The Work makes this all funny, innocent, curious, weird, in-explainable, fascinating.

“Stories are the untested, uninvestigated theories that tell us what all these things mean. We don’t even realize that they’re just theories.” ~ Byron Katie

Row, row, row your boat

Gently down the stream

Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily

Life is but a dream.

That thought is but a dream! DOH! I get it!

Much love, Grace

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Give Everything Up, Be Hopeless, Be Given Everything

Update on Breitenbush Hotsprings Annual Retreat June 25-29: For those of you still wishing you could come and thought there was no hope, there are a few spots left for lodging, if you’re open to sharing (very inexpensive that way):

There is a female dorm bed still free, one entire cabin available after all, without plumbing (they are very cute, cozy and private and bath facilities are a short walk away), and one free bed inside a cabin with plumbing that is occupied by a woman who is enrolled already (open to female roommate).

Our workshop only can fit two more in our gorgeous Forest Shelter meeting house….so call Breitenbush soon if you’re ready to go for it.

This is a marvelous, sincere group of truly amazing inquirers, and we have fabulous exercises planned to create an incredible opportunity for you to free yourself, literally, from your troubled thinking.

If you’ve struggled with inquiry, feeling at war….and ready to declare peace on an important situation, join us. Why not now? We can’t wait to meet everyone. Call 503-854-7174.

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Speaking of No Hope…..or Hope…..the experience of being with or without it is extremely powerful.

Every human has times of hopelessness, and times of great hope.

But it’s a tricky concept, the idea of hopefulness or hopelessness. Because it can set you off into the future very, very easily, or into the past with the blink of an eye (the blink of a thought).

Here’s what I mean.

I’m going about my day, living my life, moving from here to there. This is the present, what is happening. And inside my head there are thoughts flashing, pictures of what could be, or what was.

When a difficult or scary thing occurs, the natural experience of the mind, projecting into the future, is to prefer to avoid it repeating.

I hope that won’t ever happen again.

When a wonderful thing happens, or you hear an enticing story filled with good news, your mind naturally wants to generate that story for itself.

I hope that happens to me, I hope I can do that!

There are also reflections the mind has of the past and what should have happened or should NOT have happened, that can never be rewound, never re-lived, never a do-over.

Totally hopeless.

The thing is, you know when you’re going off into a stressful land of stories when you feel anxious, worried, sad, despairing, or unhappy about any event, whether you hope for it or hope against it.

The most simple thing to do then, I have found, is inquiry.

“This situation is hopeless” (and I am so disappointed, regretful, horrified, sad).

Is it true?

Yes. I thought I was going on that retreat, that adventure, I thought I would have succeeded with “x” by now, I thought I’d be with that person, I didn’t think I’d lose, I can’t figure it out, I failed, I can’t….

Are you sure?

No. I’m never sure. I know things can change at any moment. But careful now. Notice the ease with which the mind could slip into hoping and grabbing on and pushing forward, without rest.

How do you react when you think your situation is hopeless, and this is a terrible thing?

Rage, fury, depression, sinking into inaction, mute… OR running as fast as I can even though the timer already went off, the race is finished.

But who would you be without the thought that this hopeless situation is terrible, horrifying or eternally dark? Without the thought that you HAVE to get back to HOPING, or else?

Without the thought that all is hopeless is bad, hopeful is good….I notice something gently opens right here, in the middle of this hopeless situation.

I notice I’m alive, breathing, and there is something more here, present, without thought. Something that has nothing to do with THINKING.

How funny!

I turn the thought around: this situation is hopeless, and that is really, truly OK. All is well. No trying, manipulating, pushing, lashing out. 

Wow. Maybe there is something beyond me, beyond my own thoughts. Perhaps reality has other ideas besides the ones I myself think are best. Maybe rest is here, and love, and support.

Even out in the desert with no water left and only a few more breaths before death.

“When you’re having a relatively pleasant dream, you don’t mind so much dreaming on. But when your dream turns into a nightmare then you REALLY want to awaken from that, when you can’t stand it. That’s what happened to me. It drove me almost to suicide….When I was a child, my pain body grew very quickly…. But if this had not been the case, I would have never awakened. So retrospectively, one is grateful for one’s suffering, because eventually suffering will wake you up.” ~ Eckhart Tolle

Welcome all hope being lost….and doing nothing. The greatest surrender.

“When the ancient masters say ‘If you want to be given everything, give everything up’ they weren’t using empty phrases. Only in being lived by the Tao can you be truly yourself.” ~ Tao Te Ching #22

Much love, Grace

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The Incredible Gift of Criticism

A woman came to see me to work for awhile on her relationship with her husband.

They had been married for over twenty years.

She had thoughts like this….you may be able to relate:

  • he is completely self-absorbed
  • he doesn’t care about me
  • he was mean, rude, harsh
  • he shouldn’t have acted like that
  • he is soooooo judgmental
Yesterday the Friday YOI (Year of Inquiry) questioned this exact same last thought.

That person is so judgmental. They shouldn’t be! Especially about ME for crying out loud! But even about other people….so critical!

Well. Slowing down. Let’s do The Work.

Is it true that the person in question is judgey? Is it true he is hyper-critical? Are you positive they don’t try to understand your point of view?

YES.

I remember a friend of mine from many, many years ago. Red hair. I considered her intense, powerful, funny and a genuinely good person. But certainly opinionated. Not afraid to say it.

One day….she started talking about her boyfriend. AGAIN.

He’s passive, low sex drive, boring and not romantic enough, selfish and unambitious.

(Can’t she give it a rest?)

I’ve told her before that she might stand in his shoes a little, maybe relax about all her expectations….he seems like a pretty good man. I told her about the Four Agreements…..like for example Be Impeccable With Your Word.

She didn’t get the hint.

Is it true that she is hyper-critical, judgmental and controlling when it comes to her boyfriend?

Yes, she never stops criticizing, in this situation!!

How do I react when I think its true, when I believe she’s a little scary, a little too bossy, too critical, ripping her own partner to shreds?

I retreat. I act really nice. I am easy-going, supportive, a good friend. I try to “help”. Disappointed that whatever I say is not really heard.

Who would I be without that thought, though?

Immediately, I see someone who is nervous, has a lot of energy, wants something, thinks she doesn’t have it. I see someone furious, stressed, frightened.

Someone believing her thoughts about partners, boyfriends and herself.

“Criticism is an immense gift for those who are interested in self-realization. For those who aren’t, welcome to hell, welcome to being at war with your partner, your neighbors, your children, your boss. When you open your arms to criticism, you are your own direct path to freedom, because you can’t change us or what we think about you…..After you’ve done inquiry for a while, you can listen to any criticism without defense or justification, openly, delightedly. It’s the end of trying to control what can’t be controlled: other peoples’ perception.” ~ Byron Katie

WOW.

Not only have I had trouble listening to criticism of me without defense, or fear, or justification…heh heh….but I’ve even not listened to my good friend criticizing her boyfriend, without judging HER.

I turn the thoughts around: she is judgmental and she should be.

I mean, so far in this entire story, every single person has been judgmental. It appears that’s the way of it.

That’s how we enter The Work.

Thank you judgments, thank you criticism, thank you vicious words, thank you meanness, thank you harshness, thank you everyone, thank you everyone.

Much love, Grace