The Work of Byron Katie – Page 39 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

June 28, 2014

Houston, There’s A Problem: How To Get Back Home

When I was in graduate school studying Applied Behavioral Science one thing I loved learning about was the very beginning first steps to approaching a “problem”.

Houston, there’s a problem.

OK….now what?

You have a certain (apparently limited) amount of time, you’re over THERE (outer space, for example) and you’d prefer to be back HERE instead (like, on earth).

Or you feel very frightened or anxious, you’d like to feel free before you die (your limited amount of time in years) and you’re not sure how to get from THERE (imprisoned) to HERE (liberated).

Hmmm.

In classes that I took on group work, group processes, and organizational development, the first thing we learned to do was to understand what was presently happening right in that moment, in that situation.

No trying to change it.

That may happen five seconds from now, depending on how speedy you’re trying to be, but first there must be a moment of taking in information and seeing what’s going on.

It’s an Intake Session in the world of health care, or mental health, or change efforts in a group.

This information gathering, the state of affairs in the NOW, is super powerful. That’s why I have people who work with me on food and eating issues keep a journal of their feelings around food, so they can see what’s going on without control, without any efforts to change it.

When you’re reviewing like a researcher your own mind, you may need a little (or a lot ) of help from friends.

Just like the Space Shuttle returning to earth, a team of people all thinking about something together, all discussing, looking, offering ideas, listening, brainstorming….

….these kinds of group connections and interactions and think tanks have always offered me profound, bubbling, powerful insights into PROBLEMS.

Not one of those brilliant engineers alone, all by themselves, could have gotten the astronauts home.

That’s why I love inquiry with a group.

You stay, through your connection to others and the combined power of the group energy….you stay, listen, clarify.

You hear things that make light bulbs go off.

I’ve been on a lot of meditation retreats. Everyone there doesn’t speak hardly one word, and yet we’re gathering with others intentionally.

We’re not in a room all alone (even though that might offer something amazing too).

“It’s important to realize that inquiry is about noticing, not about dropping the thought… Inquiry is not about getting rid of thoughts; it’s about realizing what’s true for you, through awareness and unconditional self-love. Once you see the truth, the thought lets go of you, not the other way around.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’ve been looking for a community, some might call it a sangha, to examine the mind and question your thoughts at a high, repetitive, deeply committed level, then this coming Year of Inquiry may be for you.

We begin in September together, on the phone, and with an in-person retreat for a weekend.

We travel together for an entire year, looking and noticing, and come together again in May for 5 more days in Seattle.

Every month there’s a new problem, to find our way home from.

We all do The Work together and separately, collectively waking up and returning again and again to planet earth.

If you’re ready to read more about a Year of Inquiry, click HERE.

“I feel like I’m tapping into such a good group, all these people with all this experience. I’m ready to learn fast, I feel like it’s on the fast track.” ~ YOI 2013-2014

“I feel I’ve made life-long friends but people who oddly don’t have to know any details about my life, but instead my inner life. This is what is most important to me. I am closer to this group than my regular friends. I feel I have a place of power to question what I believe.” ~ YOI 2013-2014

“I so appreciate this work, and this group. I love this group. I’m so happy that after going to The School, I have a community to keep on track in such a beautiful way.” ~ YOI 2013-2014

If you’re trying to get back to Houston, and you notice you have a problem with your thinking, join this group to question your mind, and change your life.

You can get assistance finding your way back home.

If you’d like to experience telecalls now, to get a feel for how this process might work for you, join us in Summer Camp for July.

Click to see it in action: Houston, There’s A Problem Here

Much Love, Grace

June 27, 2014

Procrastination Graduation

At least once a month, I get an email from someone saying they’re procrastinating…and need to stop.

I need to act! Go! Start it! Do it! Finish it! Get it handled!

So infuriating, they know they want or need to complete something, and yet, nada.

Twenty years ago right now, this month, I was very pregnant with my son (turned out, he was born on the 4^th of July).

I was also in graduate school.

I had taken all the courses, tests, the oral statistics exam (scary), written all my papers, read all the books, completed all class projects.

But I hadn’t finished my master’s thesis.

All my classmates got to walk through graduation, without me.

One of my favorite classmates and friends had his graduation party at my house (it was awesome) since I myself couldn’t have one!

Up to that point, even though I wasn’t graduating with all my friends and colleagues, I never had the thought that I was procrastinating by putting off writing that huge document. The thesis had to be accompanied by a very thorough “Action Research Project” where I would investigate an organization or a company, and help decide what blocks or problems existed there among staff, management, and systems and THEN help them make changes.

And write about the whole thing when it was over.

Since I was kinda nauseated at the beginning of that year of graduate school, I had made a clear decision to wait until next year to do this huge project. It could take 10 months to complete.

But then…the next year came, and I had a newborn, then a three month old, then 10 months…

I didn’t exactly feel like going out to businesses, dressing up in business clothes, and asking them if I could do a graduate thesis project on their company.

You only have five years to complete your whole entire master’s thesis when you’re getting a master’s degree. Students getting a PhD, a doctorate, have ten years.

Sounds like a lot of time, right?

There’s actually a term for almost-finished advanced degrees, which you may know If you’re part of that world: ABT.

All But Thesis.

Since my dad was a professor, I heard the term.

But I wasn’t too worried.

My son turned one, I started working part time as an editor. I could work at home. I didn’t go back to my old regular job.

I’ll do it pretty soon. I got this.

And then….I got pregnant again.

Now, I only had two years to finish this thesis. I had spent thousands of dollars on the tuition and gone through all that previous work.

It was now, or never.

I couldn’t live with never. I knew I would deeply regret it.

But I needed help, because the project was long, big and looming. The clock was ticking. I couldn’t put it off any longer, I wouldn’t even be ABLE to do it with a second baby.

I wish I had The Work back then…it would have been so helpful with the thoughts I had about contacting organizations, going to work in the one that said “yes”, interviewing all the staff, consulting with managers and leaders, and writing an 8 chapter thesis about the outcome.

This will be hard, this is scary, this is difficult, I don’t have time, I’d rather do something else, I want zero responsibilities, this sucks, I shouldn’t have gotten pregnant during grad school, I should have done it differently, I should stay home with my baby, I think I’ll go get some coffee.

When I look back at that time, I see that because the end result was so dang important to me (and failure seemed so terrible), the fear of not graduating after all the work I had already done was awful.

I asked for help.

Once again, the key to success….noticing that on my own, with my anxious, busy, reactive thoughts…

Nothing happened.

But one phone call to several people who really cared about me: my mom, one of my sisters, a close friend….

….was all it took to get off the ground.

They helped me focus on what I was thinking was “hard”, and see what we could put in place to make it easy.

I can look back on it now and call it the Turnaround Project.

*Childcare—I asked friends and one of my sisters, and they gladly volunteered

*Quiet writing time—I went to the library, I scheduled Saturdays from 2-5 pm for writing in my bedroom while my husband took our son out

*Creating and running two staff retreats for the organization I was working for—my mom’s big beautiful house

*Fear I was doing it wrong—meetings with my professors, phone calls to check in with them

The project was huge, and so worth it.

I finished, I published the thesis, it was a gigantic accomplishment.

I walked across the stage, graduating three years later than most of my friends from when we started grad school.

I didn’t know one single other student graduating that day with me.

But I walked, with my brand new baby in a sling across my shoulder (my daughter had been born two weeks before).

Tears began to well up and fall down my cheeks as I received my diploma, as I looked into the audience where my mom, my husband, my two-year old son, sisters, and a few friends sat clapping for me.

If you have a big project…or maybe even a little one…that you know you’d love to complete, or feel desperate to complete…

…you don’t HAVE to, of course.

But write down why you hate the project, what’s hard about it, what sucks, what feels burdensome…

….and question it.

Is it true? Are you sure?

Are you sure you want it to be super easy, not a burden, not something rigorous and demanding?

If you lived the turnaround, that it is NOT hard or impossible, that it does NOT suck, that it’s NOT a burden, that it’s a blessing, it’s completely possible, exciting, and you don’t even WANT it to be easy…

….who would you be?

“I never have the sense that anything I haven’t done is undone. I see the things that don’t get done as things that need a different timing; I and the world are better off without them, for now….

This life doesn’t belong to me. The voice says ‘Do the dishes’—okay. I don’t know what it’s for, I just do it. If I don’t follow the order, that’s all right, too. But this is a game about where life will take me when I do follow. There’s nothing more exciting to say yes to such a wild thing. I don’t have anything to lose. I can afford to be a fool.” ~ Byron Katie

That thing you’re procrastinating about today?

List your objections to doing it, see if they are true.

Ask for help. Let it go.

Graduate from your crushing thinking.

I noticed that yelling at myself to do something doesn’t work, so try something different for a change.

June 26, 2014

A Kind Now Makes A Kind Future

You know that very small and admittedly big ticket high-end retreat I’m hosting that I told you about the day before yesterday?

The Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat.

I’m calling it Serenity for short.

(I’ve only watched about three shows in the past two decades, and Firefly was one of them. Yum. The ship name is Serenity, if you haven’t seen it).

I mentioned several special people who will attend either on skype or in person….

….Well, I’ll tell you who just one of the presenters will be:

Arielle Ford.

And she’s coming in person.

She is famous for her process and book called The Soulmate Secret, a way to find the perfection in imperfection in our primary relationships.

Isn’t that what we’re all doing with The Work?

Opening our minds to reality, relaxing with what we see as apparent flaws….in others, in ourselves, in life, in the world.

I learned about Arielle through her sister, the late Debbie Ford, who offered me such a beautiful way to live the turnaround of loving the end of my marriage with her book Spiritual Divorce.

For this special retreat, I also asked Byron Katie.

Naturally.

And Geneen Roth, David Whyte, Alanis Morrisette, Cheri Huber, Adyashanti and Mukti (Adya’s wife).

I expect the four days we spend together will be, quite honestly, magnificent.

I guess its not a secret anymore who just a small few of the people are who I deeply admire, so grateful for their teachings and words.

I don’t know if ALL of them will be able to say “yes”.

Which brings me to a stressful thought….kind of like the stressful thoughts you might have when you’re planning something, bringing something together.

Maybe you’re supposed to lead a meeting, give a speech, give a toast, run a retreat, host a party, compete in a race, take a big test.

You’ve got a thing coming up, and you’re not completely exactly sure how it will go.

What if everyone says yes? What if no one does?

What if nobody cares? What if I don’t do well? What if I don’t pass? What if I look like a complete dork? What if something happens at the last minute?

Aiyiyiyiyi!

You need to know it’s gonna be good.

Is that true?

Well, I at least need to know it’s gonna work out OK, I mean…right? I need assurance. I need confidence!

Are you sure?

No.

How do you react when you’re hoping, waiting, practicing, imagining, wishing very hard to win that race, be “on”, do fabulously well?

Pressured, nervous, not able to relax, jumpy, fussy, commanding, pushy, busy.

Not exactly fun when it swings into that pressure zone.

So who would you be without the belief that you need to know it will be good, go well, that everyone will come, that it will be awesome….

….even while you know it will very, very likely be happening (you can never know absolutely that anything will happen) and there are things to do beforehand, like planning, that help make it easier?

I notice without the belief that I need to know something will go super crazy well, that I’m very joyful in this moment, now, just imagining that future event.

I’m happy right now.

It’s OK if it does, or does not, happen the way I’m seeing it. I’m not even seeing it set up a certain set way…it’s just a feeling of happiness and gratitude about this moment, this fun world where time seems to pass and the future arrives.

“Freedom means living in kindness, AS kindness. It means never having a moment of fear, anger, or sadness–living totally exposed, as a gift. There’s nothing personal in it.” ~ Byron Katie

If you’re one of the very unique individuals who is called to join the private Serenity Retreat, click HERE to send in your application. It will be limited to 8 inquirers.

Much love, Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry has registrations coming in. If you’d like to learn more about YOI, click HERE. We start together in September for a whole year of inquiry together. I already know, it is good. YOI JOY!

Opening The Mind is Miraculous

“The strongest part about YOI was the action of me making a commitment to do this for an entire year. There was something very profound in that. Having the fellowship of everybody else was very strong for me. I feel like I made real friends. Friends that will last a lifetime. I’m feeling very serene, similar to like when I just came out of The School except that this high has already lasted longer 🙂 I believe the length of lasting is proportional to the length of time in the class, ie, due to the length of time in the class. YOI is a great way to feel emotionally and spiritually connected to a group. It is a wonderful path of releasing old, worn-out, misunderstood belief patterns. The opening of the mind is a miraculous and spiritual experience like no other.” ~ YOI Participant 2013-2014

June 25, 2014

I Made A Terrible Mistake

Have you ever felt horrible because of your own behavior, after you already did it?

You can’t take it back. You can’t change it. It happened.

And then the thought….I will never, ever, ever let that happen again. I will never do that again. Ever.

Humans have all different kinds of qualities they feel terrible about showing to the world.

Snapping at strangers, firey anger, vicious words at someone you love, addictive behaviors….

….or perhaps you’ve found your tears, sobbing, neediness, clinging, or desperation to be the most horrible quality you could reveal.

I will never, ever be needy. I will never cling or grab or reach for attention, love, or approval. Ick.

But let’s say you did want someone’s love, you wanted something to go your way, you made a scene.

One of the best ways I’ve found to work with self-inquiry on feeling embarrassed, wrong and humiliated….

….is to really deeply be with the scene that created the uncomfortable trait to come alive inside you in the first place.

A memory:

I walk up the pathway to the elegant, stately old house with happy and excited energy running through my torso. I’ve chosen a gorgeous shirt in a beautiful deep blue color, sexy jeans, delicate and feminine high-heeled sandals. I’ve put on make-up, the perfect amount of mascara, frosted lipstick, hoop earrings.

I like the man who lives here. I think we might officially call ourselves “dating” now.

He’s invited me to dinner at his home, after many meals out, and getting to know him for awhile as part of a educational group we’re both enrolled in.

Last night….was a big deal.

In the hotel at a conference we both attended, I spent the night with him. It was thrilling, sensual, hot.

I was smitten.

And now, the very next evening, with visions of last night replaying over and over with a thrill….I’m invited for dinner, at his house!!

He answers the door looking dashing, and I hug him and he smiles but seems a little preoccupied. He takes my hand and leads me to the full chef gourmet kitchen and shows me the meal he’s cooking himself for us, a Thai feast.

And then.

“That was so interesting last night. I now get the meaning of Friends With Benefits.”

My heart collapses, a surge goes through my whole system. My stomach clenches.

I’m choking down the urge to cry. I will not cry, can’t show I’m shocked. I’m breathing shallowly, the feelings in my chest are churning.

Oh. That’s how it is. Oh.

I stay awhile, make light conversation, then say that I’m not feeling that great for some reason, make excuses, I’m sorry, then leave. He’s super casual, saying we can take a rain check, no big deal.

I will never, ever do that again. I will never let that happen, ever. I’m too trusting, too needy, I make assumptions. I’m a loser.

Is that true?

Deep breath.

No. I’ve worried about it being true, but I can’t really know it is.

How do you react when you believe you made a mistake? That there’s something wrong with you? That you shouldn’t have done it.

Horrified, ashamed.

Focused on that other person, in this case the man, and seeing ME through HIS eyes (the vision is awful).

Stop.

Who would you be without that thought, that you made a mistake…or that he made one either?

Without the belief that something went wrong, that you have to make sure it doesn’t happen again?

Last night the Year of Inquiry group worked the thought, “I don’t fulfill my promises.”

Same stressful principle. I screwed up.

Turn the thought around: I will always, always let that happen again. I will make a mistake, blunder, make assumptions again. Definitely. I will accept that I am sometimes needy. I will probably cling or grab or reach for attention, love, or approval. Hooray!

Hooray?

Yes, hooray. Why not?

I’m a human being. So are you. Being human.

Being.

“When someone says the world is a terrible place, he becomes the champion of suffering, projecting that there’s something wrong here, something less than beautiful.” ~ Byron Katie

That includes you saying you are terrible….why not be simply, you. With flaws.

With a completely different tone and feeling inside, I say to the man now, looking back on that scene….

….”Oh! That’s how it is! Oh! How thrilling! Thank you so much for telling me the truth! The adventure continues!”

And actually, that IS what really happened.

I just didn’t realize it right away.

Maybe you haven’t realized how the mistake you made, that dumb thing you thought or did, was just perfect for what needed to happen next.

Much love, Grace

June 24, 2014

Not For Everyone, But Maybe For You: A Private, Special Retreat

I am thrilled and jumping up and down (on the inside)!

Because a dream I’ve had that others have suggested to me before, something I couldn’t imagine only a few years ago, is now coming into reality this fall.

For five+ years now, I’ve been working with people who hate their bodies, people who struggle with eating, people upset by aging, their flaws, their appearance, a difficult spouse, trying times with kids, and those frightened about money and lack of support.

As one of my favorite authors and teachers, Geneen Roth, summarizes it….

….it’s the suffering of Not Enough.

Every single workshop or class offering inquiry to those struggling with food and eating, pain or illness has offered profound teaching for me personally.

I’ve been learning how I can transmit the information I have of freedom from the prison of worrying about food, trusting my appetites, accepting this body and its flaws, allowing money to come and go freely, letting go of anxiety, feeling grateful and feeling deeply beautiful….

….to you.

I’ve loved my own journey every step of the way (well, ok, I didn’t exactly LOVE it every step of the way) and living this ever-expanding life with you means the world to me.

You may know where I came from, but if you don’t, it’s kind of embarrassing and ugly.

At least that’s how I used to feel.

I was anxious about overeating, upset when too hungry, and never, ever satisfied with the way my body looked. I went on huge binges, stuffing my face with everything in sight. I pushed myself hard with exercise.

I lost almost all my assets and money, and never had a satisfying career. My relationships were somewhat rocky, I got divorced. I yelled at my kids.

I felt flawed.

The stressful beliefs began when I was a kid, and surfaced more deeply when I was in high school. Then they got more sophisticated and I became a nutrition expert (without a degree), and bulimic, and life felt frighteningly unpredictable.

Ugh.

What I really, really wanted was total freedom from thinking about my life in such a painful way.

It’s agonizing to imagine that something is wrong with you, with your body, your mind, your feelings, and that you’re a failure when it comes to being here on planet earth.

Then, on top of feeling unacceptable, I would criticize myself for being self-critical.

I should know better! I should be nicer to myself! I’m acting like a teenager! I need to get a grip!

You can’t win, with this kind of loop-dee-loop thinking. It’s like bouncing back and forth between a rock and a hard place, like a ping pong ball on steroids, never getting any relief.

I sought many modalities of healing and all of them were excellent.

Individual therapy, group therapy, The Course in Miracles, meditation, The Work of Byron Katie, retreats, counseling, training, spiritual teachings, twelve steps.

And now I’m ready to combine them into core teachings for healing the mind’s attack on the body, on other people, on food, on money, on life, and end that war.

I find there are six areas of stressful beliefs, some that begin when you’re only a child, that contribute deeply to Not Enough-ness.

You can question them all, and shift.

They are responsible for immense suffering.

These areas are:

If I don’t look acceptable, people won’t like me. If people don’t like me, I’ll suffer. Therefore, find out what acceptable is, and look like that.

My feelings are not to be trusted, or shown to others. They upset people.

I am not safe in many situations. The world (full of people) is a chaotic, disturbing or terrifying place.

My thinking is not my friend.

There are many activities that can change my feelings about situations that are troubling…like eating, smoking, drinking wine, cleaning, getting a crush on someone. But they all hurt in the end.

I am my body, my body defines who I am.

Boy howdy, when your feelings are not trustworthy, and your thinking is not trustworthy, and the world is not trustworthy….then you are up sh*t creek, philosophically speaking.

But there is a way out, entirely, from that madness.

You can question what you learned was true, from your earliest memories all the way to now.

You can alter your beliefs, your mind, your feelings….by changing what creates discomfort for you in your own belief system.

In other words, if you don’t like the way a thought makes you feel, you can question it and find out if it’s really, really true.

When I was in my twenties, I felt desperate to find answers. I had some fantastic guidance, but I wish I had found a clear resource to look at my inner thoughts and what I was making things mean in my life.

Now, I don’t even have to “work” at it.

Don’t get me wrong, my mind still has troubling thoughts. Just the other day I saw my 53 year old wrinkles around my eyes and let out a sigh.

But then I chuckled.

And if I don’t, I’ve got The Work.

Who would you be without the belief that you are Not Enough, that people won’t like you, that you need to be liked, that there is Not Enough money, Not Enough attention, that you must protect yourself from a hard world?

Kind of amazing to consider, right?

Which brings me to why I’m so excited….

I’m offering a very deep focused immersion into self-inquiry, spiritual inquiry, The Work and experiential exercises I’ve found to be amazing to address the sense of feeling lack, disappointment, anger, fear, discouragement…..

…..to a very small group of eight people.

The Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat.

If you enroll in this unique once-in-a-lifetime retreat, offered November 10-13, 2014, you will look at the nooks and crannies where you have believed in Not Enoughness.

You will look at who you really are, what is genuinely true, and what’s gotten in the way of your freedom.

You will have access to the nurturing, care, enough-ness, beauty and wisdom that lives inside of you, that’s been here all along even through your self-defeating behaviors.

You can put down trying to solve the problem of life, money, kids, spouses, food and weight, and build your contact with unconditional love.

We’ll question painful messages of fear and hurt, of thinking there is something wrong with you.

You’ll open to truly imagining there isn’t.

I would love to support you to put down the battle, the project of self-improvement forever….and I know you can’t stop your thoughts, and you can’t control them.

(Control never works in the end).

But you can turn your attention to other truths, you can stop proving that your stressful thoughts are true, and prove the peaceful ones instead.

This is not your average, in-house retreat where I have people come to my cottage for a day or two. This particular format will appeal and be possible for only a very few.

We will be in luxuriously cared for, with special guest appearances via skype or in-person by teachers who are experts in spiritual inquiry (and maybe you’ve heard of them).

I’ve asked several important guides, and it is yet unknown who will be able to connect with us for sure. It will be a surprise!

You will be able to ask personal questions and have direct contact with them.

This experience will be different than large meditation and educational retreats attended by hundreds. You will not contend with crowds.

And I’ll offer you my own experience and strength, and my compassionate facilitation.

“The Way of Liberation is a call to action; it is something you do. It is a doing that will undo you absolutely. If you do not do the teaching, if you do not study and apply it fearlessly, it cannot effect any transformation. The Way of Liberation is not a belief system; it is something to be put into practice.” ~ Adyashanti

You can turn all of your beliefs around, and live a life of completely, utterly, unconditionally enough at every turn, around every corner, deep inside of you.

You can start practicing it now, by turning the troubling beliefs to the opposite:

I can look the way I look, people love me. If people don’t like me, I’ll won’t suffer. Being myself is acceptable.

My feelings are to be acknowledged, honored, and shown to others. They don’t upset people. Or me.

I am safe in every situation. The world (full of people) is a mysterious, magical, curious and loving place.

Thinking is my friend.

There are no activities that can change my feelings about situations that are troubling…except self-inquiry, self-love, allowing everything and everyone to be as they are.

I am not my body, my body cannot define who I am. My body is inside of me, as is everything else.

At the Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat

you will stay in five-star award-winning accommodation Willows Lodge in Woodinville, Washington. Our group will be fully catered for every meal. We will work with the abundance of beauty and food as part of our inquiry practice, and what is enough.

For many others who will not be able to do this due to cost…. ….have no fear, I’ll be presenting my teleclasses this summer starting soon in July, and YOI (Year of Inquiry) in September…and I am working on pre-recorded classes you can take on your own.

(Eating Peace will be the first class people can take online on their own, stay tuned).

“We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.” ~ Marianne Williamson

Letting yourself experience this four-day retreat of deep self-inquiry, The Work, presence, now….you may discover a new light within that is both serene and ecstatic, when you know how loved you are that no situation, person, place or thing can change this.

And who knows what can happen from there.

The Serene, Powerful, Loved, Ecstatic, Enough Retreat is by application only.

If you are interested, please click this link. I will respond to all applications on a first-come, first-serve basis. Please apply by July 4th, independence day in the US. Your payment will be due upon your acceptance into the program and confirms your participation.

Thank you universe for this incredible opportunity to be a guide along your journey.

Wherever you are, and whoever you are, you are love.

“Love is action.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

June 23, 2014

Ouch! What To Do With Negative Thoughts About Your Looks

A few years ago I was the speaker for a women’s event at the Center for Spiritual Living in Seattle.

The topic was, of course, The Work of Byron Katie.

I had everyone in the audience (there were about 100 women) fill in Judge Your Neighbor worksheets on one situation that really bothered them, maybe for a long time, in their personal lives.

I noticed something interesting, and yet not at all surprising, when I asked for volunteers to share what they had written.

Seven out of ten of the volunteers wrote about something being wrong with their weight, body, appearance, or how they ate.

One woman said she hated the way her butt looked, and her size. Another said she hated her wrinkles at age 60, and that they kept getting “worse”.

Yesterday, I was interviewed (yes, the second time in a week, weird I know) by a wonderful friend and colleague Audra Baker who works with women in nutrition, fitness, exercise and finding freedom and love in all these areas.

She sought me out to share with her peeps about undoing some of the core beliefs about appearance….one of my favorite set of beliefs to undo.

She bravely used her own belief to show the audience how The Work can work.

Her painful belief?

My weight should be my ideal weight.

At the women’s conference at the Center for Spiritual Living I heard these thoughts: my wrinkles are ugly, my thighs are too big, my arms are to jiggly, my belly is too fat, I look too old.

Often, I hear people get angry at themselves for even HAVING these thoughts in the first place….I should know it doesn’t matter! I’m more than a body! I refuse to be so superficial!

But have you noticed, the mind will run these thoughts anyway, despite your best efforts at controlling these kinds of thoughts about your appearance?

So let’s dive into them, look at them head-on, and see what happens.

Your weight (you fill in the blank for what you find unattractive about yourself) is NOT the right weight for you.

Is that true?

Yes! I saw my body! I walked by the store window, I looked at myself in the mirror, I tried on my old jeans. All these prove that this is true!

But can you absolutely know that it is true? If you were all of divine consciousness, if you saw with the eyes of the absolute and infinite?

Are you positive your weight is not ideal?

Are you sure your body is ugly, unattractive, or that it will send people running for the hills? That people won’t find you beautiful? That it means there’s something wrong with you, or that you’re flawed?

No. I can’t know any of this is true.

How do you react when you believe the thought that what you saw in the mirror was repulsive, wrong, ugly, droopy, fat, thick, too big, too small, too old?

Depressed, discouraged.

All the women I’ve ever done The Work with answered that they felt small, shrunken down. Sometimes they wouldn’t even go out to a party, or to the beach, or walk down the street happily. They’d cover their bodies up.

They’d shrink.

So now the big beautiful question….who would you be without that belief? Who would you be without the thought that what you saw to be wrong, actually IS wrong?

If you couldn’t even THINK that thought when you saw that reflection in the mirror? Or when you saw the scale read a number you don’t like.

WOW.

During our interview, Audra said without that thought, her whole mind expanded, her consciousness grew infinitely bigger, she felt lighter.

A weight lifted off her heart.

I saw her put her palm to her chest, so touching.

I noticed I had the thought just the other day putting lotion on my face that my skin really was looking old and very wrinkled around the eyes.

Without that belief that there’s anything wrong with that, my actions move on to the next thing, I don’t avoid anything, I flow with the space of the day, the joy of being alive.

I notice that what’s inside, the deep inner center space inside, could care less.

Turning the thoughts around: What I’m seeing is gorgeous, ideal, perfect for now.

These wrinkles, this weight, this butt, this stomach should be exactly the way it is. It’s a GOOD thing.

How could this be true? Can you find three examples?

My wrinkles give me wisdom, the authority of someone a little older, I move beyond appearance because it’s too late to be involved with that (ha ha!), I surrender to the knowing that this physical, natural thing (this body) softens, bends, moves.

I see the groves of the canyons and mesas I see in Colorado and how phenomenally stunning they are. I notice I don’t believe the valleys, rivers, lines and canyons should not be there.

These wrinkles are absolutely beautiful. This weight is ideal. This butt, this stomach, these thighs, these arms, this body…all so stunning, miraculous, sensual, alive.

Live that turnaround! Oh happy day!

“Too fat, too short, too tall, too thin…bad, bad, wrong, wrong!… Every body is perfect, Now. Every body is perfect, NOW. It doesn’t mean it won’t change, but for now, this is the body you need to be you…..There’s a perfect thing going on here, there’s not one thing out of order.” ~ Byron Katie

Really considering what is good about this state of this body, in this moment, today, is the most heavenly feeling of liberation.

Freedom from all these thoughts of how the body needs to change, in order to be truly happy. Freedom from concern about ugliness, rejection, fear.

Can you find your good reasons for your current body being the way it is?

Share them on the Grace Notes page, I’d love to read your turnarounds!

Much love, Grace

P.S. I’m cooking up an intensive in-person immersion in The Work on the Body and Beyond…the spiritual path of unraveling your stressful thinking. More on this very soon in Grace Notes.

June 22, 2014

July Summer Camp Starting Soon

Even though a conference I just attended is complete, I’m not yet back in Seattle.

Today I was offline and off cell service all day, hiking amongst the ruins of the ancient Pueblo people in the southwest United States, in Mesa Verde.

The landscape is vast, strange, and magical. Kinda like the mind and our inner lives.

Meanwhile, many people wrote to me asking about the exact dates of Summer Camp.

The dates for July Summer Camp for The Mind are:

July 7 and July 21, 4-5:30 pm Pacific

July 1, July 8, July 22, 8-9:30 am Pacific

July 3, July 17, July 31, 9:30 am-11:00 am Pacific

These are all live calls on Mondays, Tuesdays and Thursdays.

Anyone in Summer Camp can join these calls live and get your work done with a small, wonderful group of inquirers, or listen to the recording afterwards and do your work as you follow along.

And the price for the entire month? $97.

Crazy low…I did it so you can get the chance to sample the work with a small group this summer at a very low fee, in community with others.

We have a facebook secret closed group, and you’ll be able to join, share and question.

It’s sort of oddly simple, but there is nothing like scheduling your inquiry time to ensure it happens.

You may have completely new awareness, and the ability to understand yourself in a different way.

That’s what doing The Work offers…the chance to examine your mind, feel what is really true, be here now.

July Summer Camp starts with a call on July 1st. Register soon if you know you want a space for the month.

Won’t you join me?

Much love, Grace

June 21, 2014

So Much To Do? Rest Here Now

After a retreat, vacation, travel, or some special time of learning something unique and new there’s something people refer to as the after-workshop glow.

Today, as I slept in (crazy unusual for me) after late-night conversations, singing around the campfire outside, and three intense days in learning and connecting with others, I feel very excited about…..well, EVERYTHING.

And then there was a little thought, not unfamiliar, which said “but you don’t have very much time.”

Oh brother, not TIME again.

Can’t you give it a rest?

Do we have to be concerned with time, and how much or how little or the quality or the apparent endless scarcity of it?

Visions of what I need to and want to do float through my head, even as I’m lying in bed after sleeping so deeply and so long.

I need to put the final touches on Year of Inquiry which I’ll take applications for soon…it starts in September!

I need to arrange a very special retreat I’ve been thinking about putting together for awhile for a very small group because enough people have asked.

I need to get ready for this next month of Summer Camp for The Mind for everyone who wants to be in the July session!

Answer emails! Get some tech stuff in place on my website! Write to so-and-so! Replace my dresser in the bedroom! Finish that book!

I need to, I need to, I need to…

Oh boy. I know I’ve written about time and stressful beliefs about it before, but these thoughts sure are persistent and gripping.

Let’s look again, from a new angle.

Why do I need more time? Why do I want all those things done anyway?

The mind imagines that with all these things completed, there will be a moment in the future when nothing is required, when you can rest and feel peace.

But not now, because they aren’t done yet, right?

I can’t truly rest with all these things unfinished.

Is that true?

Yes. They are in the back of my mind. Even writing this Grace Note, I’m thinking just a little about what will happen after that, what I may have to set aside until later, how I can best use the afternoon, blah blah.

But can I absolutely know that it’s true that I can’t truly rest with all these things unfinished? I can’t enjoy and relax right here, now, even with a big to-do list?

No.

Instantly with that recognition that the answer is “no” I look up.

I see the room I’m sitting in. Books, window, beautiful gleaming wooden floor, sun coming through edge of window, power cord, full tea cup.

I feel this moment, this room. Even with a mind scampering around shouting about what needs to happen.

This body relaxes, I feel the center of it, something very quiet and dark and deep, that knows all is well and none of all that stuff even matters.

Something so funny about it!

Who would I be if I couldn’t even think the thought that I can’t rest until all these things are finished, or it’s going to be better later when they are?

I feel a deep gratitude, that this moment is all that is necessary.

There is no future moment when everything is done, unless there is, but none of that is necessary right now.

It’s so amazing how the mind conceives of the joy I will experience from the completion of all these events and activities, and what should happen soon….

….and then takes off without waiting to notice that things are also very, very well right here in THIS moment, now.

Even if you are in traffic and you’re supposed to be somewhere in five minutes that isn’t physically possible….

….instead of feeling anger at the other cars, the street, your condition, your situation, lack of time….

….what if you knew all was so perfectly in order, you couldn’t possibly adjust time to make it better for you. Because it’s good NOW, as it is. Unfinished.

I CAN truly rest with all these ideas, tasks, activities unfinished.

That is far, far more true. That is true in every moment.

WOW.

“Time is in the mind, space is in the mind. The law of cause and effect is also a way of thinking. In reality all is here and now and all is one. Multiplicity and diversity are in the mind only.The mind craves for formulations and definitions, always eager to squeeze reality into a verbal shape. A quiet mind is all you need. All else will happen rightly, once your mind is quiet. As the sun on rising makes the world active, so does self-awareness affect changes in the mind. In the light of calm and steady self-awareness inner energies wake up and work miracles without effort on your part.” ~ Nisargadatta Maharaj

I know in this moment, I would rather see what happens next without effort on the part of my mind.

Oh, look at that. This Grace Note is complete and only 35 minutes have passed….

….but by writing about these thoughts, awareness shines in me and my whole body is more relaxed.

It’s still morning, the sun is brighter, I hear a skateboarder ride by outside and birds calling.

Time, apparently, to stand up and go out.

Much love, Grace

P.S. If you’d like a taste of guided work with me (with you), so you sit still, do your work, join with others…then come on board for Summer Camp in July. Small group of truly incredible inquirers, ready to investigate thoughts that hurt. Only $97 for all the calls you can make (there will be seven during July). Click HERE to register.

June 19, 2014

Journaling Brings On The End Of Overeating

Yesterday I mentioned the Dreaded Journal.

You know what I’m talkin’ about right?

Well, OK, if you don’t…..it’s the journal I ask people who are investigating their relationship to eating to write in and keep close.

It works for other addictive processes just as well. ANY addictive or unconscious, overwhelming process where it seems like a demon takes over. Or some craving, compulsive, gripping urge is felt (like in love addiction, for example).

When I went to a therapist to continue my journey to healing from terrible binge-purge episodes and enormous cravings for food, or starvation routines, she introduced the idea of keeping a journal to me.

A Binge Journal.

Can’t we just talk about stuff so that I feel relieved, so that I feel better?

Do I have to write down what was going on when I binged, craved, overate, stuffed myself with food, vomited, over-exercised?

Ewww. I don’t want to see that in writing. Too exposed. Too embarrassing.

Too sick.

But she kept asking if I bought a special journal, every week when I came to see her. At first I forgot to get one every week, then I avoided it.

And of course, I finally bought one.

I wanted to learn, I wanted to stop doing what I was doing.

It was red leather, with no letters of any kind on the outside. Very thin, with beautiful college-ruled lines on the inside. I used my black felt-tip pen, my favorite.

In a journal of this kind, you are studying your own mind, without demanding that it change.

You’re seeing the worst, the disgusting, the outrageous, the terrible, the horrifying.

I wrote what I ate, what I appeared to crave (sometimes it was just anything consumable), and then….

(the gold)….

….what I was feeling and/or thinking before the cravings began.

This was studying the cycle, instead of trying to forget about it.

Investigating what I was frightened of, or concerned about, or what I wanted to “forget” or “avoid”. Just like the journal itself.

Here’s the interesting thing that happened:

I wrote if I had any urge to binge, or about a binge I just had (always the case in the beginning that I wrote AFTER I was through the binge-eating-purging cycle).

Nothing changed at first.

Then I began to re-read some of my journaling entries, from previous days and weeks. My therapist asked me to look through the sections and read them out loud, or tell her what I was noticing.

Ah….interesting.

Two weeks ago when I began eating after work, and ate all the way home in my car, and went straight to my room after passing my roommates in the kitchen…

…I had been frightened and angry because of the way my boss talked to me that morning.

The week before, one of my best friends got upset with me for ignoring his calls for a day, and later I had felt anxious in a similar way as when my boss spoke to me (resistant, angry, frightened) and wound up binge-eating.

The Saturday before that, I had talked with my parents long-distance and heard in their voices their wish that I would start paying my own student loans, but I knew I made so little money I didn’t know how to “fix” that problem and got scared…..and wound up overeating.

OMG! I have a problem with feeling fear!

Now…I had a clearer belief to question:

If you’re afraid, it’s awful. Feeling like you’re in danger is intolerable. All these things in my life are very frightening. Therefore I must find relief from life. Too scary.

EAT!

But who would you be without the thought that feeling fear is intolerable? That you have to do something quick to alter yourself if you feel fear?

I’d feel the buzzing, fluttering, uncomfortable sensations of “fear”. It moves through the center of my body like a wave sending out signals, in my torso.

I’d notice that it’s not serious, it’s not the worst thing that ever happened, it’s only sensations, feelings.

I may not even call it “fear”.

“It’s what you are believing that causes stress in your life…When we’re believing something is scary, the mind will give you all the proof and images so that you cannot think beyond it. That is what the mind worships! It has to worship what its believing, otherwise who am I? I don’t know! But we have some identity here, even though terrified, we think we have some safety here.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the thought that something is scary, I notice how safe I am in the moment.

“In my view, there is no way to speak maturely about recovering from addiction without first seeing what it’s all about. It’s about the avoidance of painful or unpleasant thoughts, emotions, and sensations. Really sitting with emotions and sensations, without thought on them, is needed….When all emotions and sensations are seen to be temporary energies that pass when you place no thought on them, the avoidance stops. And so the addiction naturally releases itself.” ~ Scott Kiloby

Studying yourself, keeping a journal, noticing what is happening in the moment you crave….can be a door opening into relaxation and ending the cycle.

If You’re Moving, Remember You Live Everywhere

One of my favorite experiences is investigating past “incidents” by going mentally back in time, identifying a painful moment, and questioning what I thought was happening back then.

It’s a little trick move.

You’re in the present, remembering, and bringing the four questions to the past.

(Of course, this is almost always what self-inquiry actually is).

I’m in our family ford van parked in the driveway, and have been sitting here for while, motor off, boxes and suitcases and camping gear piled high in the back seat.

My three sisters are in their seats as well. We have cards and our favorite long-trip bingo board game where you pull the amber-tinted window over a picture, once you spot what’s in the picture.

I’m ready for the competition.

My parents approach the car and get in. My dad turns on the ignition.

“Goodbye, house!” says my mom.

We begin to back out of the warm driveway, already heating up in the Kansas summer, my parents rolling down their windows.

Suddenly I am panicked and want to spring from the van, open the door, run inside. I want to run through the big yard with the goldfish pond.

I can’t stand saying goodbye to our amazing tree house, colored everywhere inside with crayons.

My dad cranks the wheel then puts the van in forward gear. I turn my neck to watch the big green beautiful house until I can’t see it anymore.

That was the last time I ever saw that house.

It felt like my life was torn apart at that moment. I repeated my best friend’s address in Lawrence over and over so I’d never forget where she lived.

But from this point, 40 years later, I do The Work.

I see vividly the situation and hold it in my childhood mind as I identify my thoughts. They are not so different than supposedly grown-up thoughts I’ve had off and on my entire life.

Leaving is terrible and traumatic. Staying is better. You can’t stay connected when you part. You lose your bond. Remaining in one place is easier, more peaceful.

Is that true?

Answer from your childhood age.

My answer is YEEEEEESSSSSSS!!! Agony!!!

(With exclamation points).

Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Can you be sure you’re losing your connection, your bond with this place? Are you sure staying is easier and will be better?

No. The kid inside me can actually answer “no”. Not even sure what I’m afraid of.

So who would you be without that belief? If you couldn’t even think that staying is better, leaving is worse, connection is lost because you’re moving away?

I’d feel what is connected, no matter where I stand.

“When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast. As the experience of the Unknown deepens, your boundaries begin to dissolve. You realize, not just intellectually but on a deep level, that you have no idea who or what you are. A few minutes ago, you knew who you were–you had a history and a personality–but from this place of not knowing, you question all of that.” ~ Adyashanti

The opposites are truer:

Leaving is wonderful and thrilling. There is no better or worse, there is simply leaving, and staying. You can stay connected when you part. You gain your bond. You already do remain in one place, what really matters is unmovable and never changing.

All those partings were expressions of a powerful experience, love, gratitude, appreciation.

Now changing form. A new house, a different partner, a changed situation. Everything coming and going and moving, with it’s own flow and pace.

“Stop thinking, and end your problems. What difference between yes and no? What difference between success and failure? Must you value what others value, avoid what others avoid? How ridiculous!….Other people have what they need; I alone possess nothing. I alone drift about, like someone without a home. I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty….I am different from ordinary people. I drink from the Great Mother’s breasts.” ~ Tao Te Ching #20

As a kid, I notice I love my new home, the new city, new friends, family growing and changing.

Deep within, all very content, undisturbed, at home everywhere.

Do you have that same “I” in you that lives from the center of all things, not one special home outside yourself, not this place or that place (although they are all precious)?

Yes, you do.

Much love, Grace