One of my favorite experiences is investigating past “incidents” by going mentally back in time, identifying a painful moment, and questioning what I thought was happening back then.
It’s a little trick move.
You’re in the present, remembering, and bringing the four questions to the past.
(Of course, this is almost always what self-inquiry actually is).
I’m in our family ford van parked in the driveway, and have been sitting here for while, motor off, boxes and suitcases and camping gear piled high in the back seat.
My three sisters are in their seats as well. We have cards and our favorite long-trip bingo board game where you pull the amber-tinted window over a picture, once you spot what’s in the picture.
I’m ready for the competition.
My parents approach the car and get in. My dad turns on the ignition.
“Goodbye, house!” says my mom.
We begin to back out of the warm driveway, already heating up in the Kansas summer, my parents rolling down their windows.
Suddenly I am panicked and want to spring from the van, open the door, run inside. I want to run through the big yard with the goldfish pond.
I can’t stand saying goodbye to our amazing tree house, colored everywhere inside with crayons.
My dad cranks the wheel then puts the van in forward gear. I turn my neck to watch the big green beautiful house until I can’t see it anymore.
That was the last time I ever saw that house.
It felt like my life was torn apart at that moment. I repeated my best friend’s address in Lawrence over and over so I’d never forget where she lived.
But from this point, 40 years later, I do The Work.
I see vividly the situation and hold it in my childhood mind as I identify my thoughts. They are not so different than supposedly grown-up thoughts I’ve had off and on my entire life.
Leaving is terrible and traumatic. Staying is better. You can’t stay connected when you part. You lose your bond. Remaining in one place is easier, more peaceful.
Is that true?
Answer from your childhood age.
My answer is YEEEEEESSSSSSS!!! Agony!!!
(With exclamation points).
Can you absolutely know that it’s true? Can you be sure you’re losing your connection, your bond with this place? Are you sure staying is easier and will be better?
No. The kid inside me can actually answer “no”. Not even sure what I’m afraid of.
So who would you be without that belief? If you couldn’t even think that staying is better, leaving is worse, connection is lost because you’re moving away?
I’d feel what is connected, no matter where I stand.
“When you rest deeply in the Unknown without trying to escape, your experience becomes very vast. As the experience of the Unknown deepens, your boundaries begin to dissolve. You realize, not just intellectually but on a deep level, that you have no idea who or what you are. A few minutes ago, you knew who you were–you had a history and a personality–but from this place of not knowing, you question all of that.” ~ Adyashanti
The opposites are truer:
Leaving is wonderful and thrilling. There is no better or worse, there is simply leaving, and staying. You can stay connected when you part. You gain your bond. You already do remain in one place, what really matters is unmovable and never changing.
All those partings were expressions of a powerful experience, love, gratitude, appreciation.
Now changing form. A new house, a different partner, a changed situation. Everything coming and going and moving, with it’s own flow and pace.
“Stop thinking, and end your problems. What difference between yes and no? What difference between success and failure? Must you value what others value, avoid what others avoid? How ridiculous!….Other people have what they need; I alone possess nothing. I alone drift about, like someone without a home. I am like an idiot, my mind is so empty….I am different from ordinary people. I drink from the Great Mother’s breasts.” ~ Tao Te Ching #20
As a kid, I notice I love my new home, the new city, new friends, family growing and changing.
Deep within, all very content, undisturbed, at home everywhere.
Do you have that same “I” in you that lives from the center of all things, not one special home outside yourself, not this place or that place (although they are all precious)?
Yes, you do.
Much love, Grace