Today at 9 am Pacific Time. One more chance to join me in the Thinking Peace, Eating Peace webinar: Steps and Jewels you need for the journey home to peace.
We start at 9:00 am Pacific Time, and this is exactly the same time slot as the 3 month program which starts next week on Tuesday, November 17th.
We’re warming up for a great time of insights and practicing freedom around where we get stuck in our thoughts and our feelings that fuel feeling bad about eating (or living).
Join me today by clicking HERE (no opt-in required, 90 minute presentation).
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Yesterday, it was very dark, and rainy, and drippy. White whispy clouds hung low, hovering in the tree tops across the water in my neighborhood.
I had the thought….It’s still early November and we haven’t even hit the solstice yet.
Dark times ahead. Literally.
Sometimes in the distant past, this created some depressed feelings within me.
I smelled them for a second yesterday.
Uh oh….what’s that smell?
Depression, it whispered. Darkness.
I suddenly had the thought “this is going to be a terrible winter, I can’t stand it.”
A sinking feeling of sadness. Anxiety.
The word “anxiety” is as old as Latin when the roots of it meant choked, squeezed…..or to distress or trouble something.
It wasn’t used in psychological terms until 1904, only about 110 years ago.
Often, when people feel a foreboding, or sensitivity to encroaching darkness, or pictures in their head and the feeling of heaviness or adrenaline…..anxiety.
I jumped on my bike.
Well, OK, it was exactly “jumping” on my bike. It took me 45 minutes to leave the house, after getting my ipod charged and finishing replying to emails.
With my down coat, drizzling rain, wool skull cap, gloves, and headphones in, I hit the trail.
At first, I was freezing.
But as always, the body warmed up, the blood started pumping, the air felt so fresh and good in my nostrils and lungs, on my face.
And I listened to one of my favorite wise men, Michael Singer, speak about the nut-case mind….
….and how we’ll believe things so easily, take a thought so seriously, feel very grave about a vision or idea.
Haha. Gosh. Sounds kind of familiar somehow.
The mind goes wild, faster than a locomotive trying to order both ourselves, and the world, around, or avoid dangerous things.
OK OK!
I CONFESS!
My own dreary thoughts had kinda gotten under my skin a little. Reminding me about dark winters and having ideas like “what a boring world” and “what’s the point” and “this isn’t good”.
With just a little reminder, I was laughing.
Actually laughing, noticing how genius I was to ride my bike on such a Seattle Monday with zero people on the trail but me.
A heron swam in the river, geese flew high above in a V-formation, the rain stopped entirely, the wind blew threw the gorgeous taller-than-tall poplar trees lining the river.
The light was so incredible, I was in awe.
I took photos (the one above is one of them!)
Remembering that you don’t have to believe everything you think is so amazing, so enlightening, so freeing….
….the world seemed dazzling.
And what changed?
Only a person’s perception, apparently, riding along on a bicycle in some section of the big wide reality, not believing their thoughts in doom and gloom.
And then, the sharing of it here.
If I can do it, you can too.
Truly. You don’t have to have some massive assistance, or conscious-altering lightning bolt hit you.
You don’t need anything but the other side of that whisper that was full of warning about such things as darkness and discouragement….
….Just a few questions:
Is it true?
Are you sure?
How does that feel, what do you notice, what happens when you’re thinking that?
How about when you’re NOT thinking that? What’s that like?
What if this is exciting, awesome, loving, delicious, safe, temporary, wonderful?
And maybe a little encouragement, that wasn’t anything you could have planned, dropping in at just the right moment.
Or not.
“Less and less do you need to force things, until finally you arrive at non-action. When nothing is done, nothing is left undone. True mastery can be gained by letting things go their own way. It can’t be gained by interfering.” ~ Tao Te Ching #48
Much love, Grace
P.S. Peace Talk’s latest episode from yesterday is HERE.
I was so touched this morning in an Eating Peace webinar I presented (so jammed with information, of course, that we went for 2 hours….it was awesome to hang in there with you and your questions, thank you).
One participant in the webinar wrote in the Q & A, where I see people’s questions and comments underway during the program.
“I don’t have an eating problem but a drinking problem. I can relate to all of this though. Will this course apply to me?”
The thing is….most of us are indeed plagued by some kind of lack of peace, and it doesn’t really seem to matter how it presents itself in action or behavior.
We do all kinds of things to try to get away from that core angst, or urge to change what we feel, or escape from the difficulties in our lives.
Once when I was on a silent retreat with one of my favorite teachers, Adyashanti, a man came up to the microphone for the portion of the retreat where people can ask questions and have a conversation with Adya.
The man shared, with tears and deep discouragement, his journey with drugs and getting off them, not long ago.
He felt he had lost everything, destroyed his relationship with his kids and family, and had nothing but a bicycle and a room in a house. No job, nothing left of his former life, not even sure where to go or what to do next.
He described such shame and sadness, my heart went out to him
Not all of us have to go to such extremes to notice that inside the psyche, inside our thoughts about others and ourselves and the world, it isn’t super pleasant, peaceful or easy.
Adyashanti replied something to this man who was suffering so deeply that I found very loving and wise…..
…..”we’re all addicts.”
In other words, he explained, we’re all addicted to our identities, to listening to our thoughts, to believing what we think is super true.
The other day, I walked from my bedroom to the little study or office in the cottage I live in.
As I have before, I paused and looked at the dirty, ratty carpet.
All of the sudden, a sinking feeling of anxiety encompassed me.
Yes, even without eating as a behavior, I still feel anxiety and have stressful thoughts….just like so many of us do sometimes.
Images came into my head of the horrible project of having to replace old carpet. All that furniture moving, and the money it would cost to hire the help, to buy the new carpet, having to choose the new color.
It’s too much, I thought.
The images included shame at having not had my act together enough earlier in life to gather money and be responsible for a simple house.
I thought of all the lists of things I should spend money on, if I even get the money, instead of carpet-replacing.
Like school needs for my kids, or a safer, newer car to drive that runs on electricity instead of gas, or donating to charity.
The thing that’s interesting about that moment, walking and seeing worn, ratty carpet, was that I almost missed all these images.
All I had was a flash thought of the worn-outness of my home, then the feeling of discouragement, and the sudden urge to work harder on my business and programs, followed almost immediately by the thought….
….but NO, I don’t want to right now, I’ve been working all day already….
….so how about I watch a good movie?
Yeah. That’s it!
This idea of what to do happened in thirty seconds.
Urge to escape. Urge to be somewhere else, see something else.
Urge to Not Feel Stress. Urge to have a bedtime story told to me.
A good one, a distracting one.
This was a moment of addiction to a story, to an identity, the quicker-than-lightening impulse to get away from being The One Who Didn’t Get A Successful Career Earlier In Life and Now Must Replace Old Carpet.
And guess what?
I DID watch a movie.
So I actually took the bait (invented by my own thoughts), and went with it. I asked my husband if he also wanted to watch.
And guess what else?
It’s another day…..and the thoughts about ratty carpet or other peoples’ comfort in my cottage returned to be looked at again, because I had a meetup yesterday afternoon and before people came, I believed “it’s just not clean enough in this cottage….for example look at that carpet!”
Who would I be without that belief, though?
Who would I be without that story of having to have things look and present a certain way?
WHAT would I be without being against my feelings of angst or concern about my future life on planet earth, or other peoples’ ideas and perceptions, or what will ever happen?
I love looking at this question, and this answer.
WHAT would you be without your stressful story?
If you didn’t define yourself as a human who is supposed to be doing it a certain way, or that you need to escape your feelings?
Wow.
I’m not even sure what I would be.
I’d be something, a being, walking from one room to another, seeing images and thinking thoughts and feeling feelings and ultimately just being here.
Being.
If you didn’t think it was important to escape or change this place, this moment, this situation, who or what would you be?
Maybe you’d be pausing in the unknown, willing to wait and be still.
Willing to see what happens next, without you trying to direct the outcome or trying to control yourself, or trying to control the outside environment around you (including people).
Someone holding still.
“Who would you be right now, sitting in this chair without the thought? Sit there as the successful man. Sit there as the failure. Sit there as every man that you wanted to be, or woman or child or you. Sit there and experience who you would be sitting in this chair without your stressful thought…..Just feel the support. Feel the support of the chair. Allow it to support you–because that’s what it’s doing whether you’re aware of it or not. And experience the breath that’s breathing you and the ground that’s supporting the chair. Feel what’s supporting your arms and the support under your skin.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story?
Just like meditation, it’s a practice.
You don’t necessarily have a huge lightbulb go off and an explosion of awareness and from then on, everything’s free (unless you do, like Byron Katie or Eckhart Tolle, but these are the far outliers of the bell curve. For you, it unfolds your way, just right for you).
What I’ve noticed is the gap between thinking…..and wishing to change or move or follow a craving or fix something becomes smaller and smaller and smaller.
No thought necessary about where this is going, or what I should do.
Seeing thoughts arise, seeing them vanish (forgetting about them).
What or who would you be without the belief you can’t find peace, or you have to use something (substance, food, person, activity) to find it?
Awestruck.
Alive.
Here.
Thoughts and all, warts and all. You.
Much love, Grace
P.S. For the replay of yesterday’s Eating Peace/Thinking Peace webinar, click HERE.
question your terrorized thinking, change your terrorized world
Last night the Year of Inquiry group gathered to start our third month topic for the year, inquiring together.
The topic?
Those People.
The people you can’t stand.
The ones who are driving you nuts like a gnat that won’t stop buzzing your ear on a hot summer night….
….or the ones who are terrifying you because they’re committing horrifying, atrocious crimes against humanity.
Can you do The Work on even these dreadful experiences in the human condition, like war, violence, terror, loss, genocide, democide, prejudice?
Of course you can.
But here’s the deal.
An inquirer on our call made a telling and very helpful comment….
…..”I just can’t get to ‘neutral’ on this topic.”
You know what I said?
Don’t try.
Answer the questions openly, honestly, with no expectation.
Look, look again.
Do this work without any thought of the outcome, because you want to know what’s true for you.
Ten years ago, I attended my very first New Year’s Cleanse with Byron Katie.
This is Katie’s annual event where she sits up on stage with one person after another, each one courageously taking their seat in an empty chair opposite Katie to do The Work.
(By the way, I just bought my ticket and can’t wait to give you a hug if you’re going to Los Angeles for the Cleanse this New Year’s, too!)
Back then, as I watched and listened with rapt attention, a woman took her seat next to Katie and slowly, carefully, read a worksheet on the holocaust.
Wow, I thought from the audience.
How can we ever find peace with the holocaust? Or Rwanda? Or the burning bodies and apartheid in South Africa (where I lived in 1975-1976)?
Not possible, I thought.
Too sad. Too horrible.
But who would you be without your belief about those people? The ones who are hurting so many others?
Not denial, but looking very closely without your labels of them, the labels that point at them: evil, monsters, sick, violent, enraged, wrong, psychopaths.
Or the less frightening people we know yet we feel upset in their presence: angry, critical, needy, controlling, narcissistic, selfish, disruptive, rude, neglectful.
Without these assessments, who would you be?
Some people think…..but I have to keep these labels.
Otherwise, I won’t know who to stay away from, who to hide from, how to stay safe!
Are you sure?
Are you sure you need stressful thinking to remain safe?
Are you positive it is not possible to be safe with these humans who are acting in such difficult or shocking ways?
Are you sure you couldn’t face them, or be the one to offer peace, instead of fear?
No.
The woman in the chair doing The Work on the holocaust gave me the chance to consider that peace still lives, even after death and destruction that appears absolutely hopeless.
As she began to consider who she would be without her thoughts….
….I had to go pace at the back of the room, suddenly.
A magnificent lightbulb went off in my head, in my entire body.
I was shaking lightly.
I suddenly was filled with recognition that love and peace could prevail, that they were bigger and broader than any human horror.
There was no absolute darkness.
Here we were all, people gathered together, looking at that horrible, twisted experience from the future, with care and attention.
Examples were spilling into my mind, pictures of what rises out of events you think could never be resolved.
I saw scenes of reconciliation that I genuinely knew about.
People who have been through the worst sh*t you could ever imagine…..
…..live their lives into eventual peace.
They even go on to support others ending their suffering.
Walking back and forth in the back of the big convention room, I saw a vision in my mind of triangular shapes of white muslin, all sewn together like a baseball with golden thread.
Light beams were shooting out from the holes the thread made.
The ball of white muslin was floating gently away from planet earth, carrying all the thousands of people who died in the holocaust, the brightness shining magnificently from them all, as they floated away from earth into the heavens.
It doesn’t mean it’s OK terrible things happen or that any of us ever want them to. We don’t.
All I know is, after that day listening to the inquiry and doing my own through it, another chunk dropped away from my own ancient, dense belief system about humanity and the way things end.
I understood my terror of what humans were capable of clouded my vision of what was possible, or how I could help.
I also understood something else is handling All This, and it can’t really be explained.
Without the judgments in my mind, something else is possible instead of complete despair and resignation.
Maybe your heart breaks into a million pieces with some of what you’ve experienced, and what you’ve witnessed, and what you’ve read about and been told.
But love is still present anyway, and so is life.
That’s what I notice to be true.
“How does it feel to hate? And then what happens when you hate? And you have to find a way of defending that position. You have to prove that you’re right about your hatred. That it’s valid and worthwhile. And how does it feel to live that way? How do you react when you think the thought that they’re evil and ignorant?….I live in peace, and that’s what everyone deserves. We all deserve to end our own terrorism.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is
The other day, I was watching someone in a deli while they were eating.
Have you ever found yourself gazing at people with fascination?
This person had no idea I was looking. I was waiting in line some distance away, he was facing a huge window, looking out.
The bites of food this man took were all very quick, almost like he was tossing in the finger food he was eating, some kind of chip. He then ate something that looked like chocolate covered raisins, and in between, huge fast bites of a sandwich.
He had a really big belly, I noticed, but otherwise fairly balanced in size and shape. He looked tall, but not super tall. Husky, strong.
Then I noticed the thought drift in “he’d be good-looking if not for that belly.”
And on the tail of this idea….the thought I shouldn’t think something like that.
The lack of acceptance continues!
Why don’t I just look and see, without judgment?
Do you ever notice yourself judging yourself for having a judgment?
I shouldn’t judge people for being slow. I shouldn’t judge people for being overweight. I shouldn’t judge people for being rude. I shouldn’t judge people for being controlling. I shouldn’t judge people for being needy. I shouldn’t judge people for interrupting.
I should be more accepting. All the time.
But I notice THAT thought being stressful too.
Who would you be without the belief that a) you should stop judging, and b) that you ARE judging when you think thoughts?
Can you make yourself stop thinking?
If you try….good luck with that.
Who would you be without the belief that your mind is your enemy, and it’s too judgmental?
Hmmm.
Kinda different, right?
We’re always thinking we should be super cool peaceful, accepting and gentle-minded all the time.
Embarrassing to admit the judgments….especially when we’ve learned they’re mean and persnickety and childish.
But what if you gave your childish thoughts some time, and allowed them to be heard?
Who would I be without the belief that man I watched eating would be better with a flat belly?
And, without the belief I shouldn’t notice my mind having the thought in the first place?
I may notice the great interest and attraction I have to the state of Not Grabbing, of Slowing Down.
With eating, or with anything wanted and reached for, I love calm.
I notice speed or need for anything can be questioned.
It doesn’t mean you should question it, if you enjoy and love the attraction.
How funny that it can be dropped, or fade away, through pausing and wondering if it’s true I need that thing, that item, that person, that feeling, that condition.
Turning the original thought around, that I shouldn’t judge the man’s body…..
…..I should judge it.
My mind is a thinking machine, spewing out judgments all day long.
How is it OK that I judge?
Well, I can see that this judgment is a very small part of me. It pops up out of the wide open ocean of thought. It’s not the entire truth of me (whatever that is) in that moment, watching a man eat.
It tells me what I prefer, what I don’t.
It reminds me of my own journey, and how many millions of bites of food and thoughts I took in my life that were fast and unconscious, and how stuffed my stomach sometimes became, and how desperate I once was.
There may be judgments you have, that you recognize, that simply show you which way to move.
They beam you towards what you find more appealing. It’s OK that you like and don’t like. It’s all change-able, it’s all moving constantly.
“I prefer bottled to tap water. I buy it at a gas station or a grocery store or the little shop in the hotel. I look at the brands of bottled water, curious to see which one my hand will choose, and loving that I never can know until it actually picks up the bottle. I enjoy the trip from the cooler to the cash register. The cashier is a man or a woman, young or old, white or dark or Asian. We usually exchange a few words. It isn’t a little thing. All my life I have been waiting to meet this person. I feel a surge of gratitude for my preferences. I love where they take me.” ~ Byron Katie
My preferences, my judgments, my stressful thoughts, my pleasurable thoughts….
….all the mind’s activity, coming into light and being honored, being seen, being respected….
….I love where they take me.
Whatever kind of journey my preferences take me on, I learn, and I love.
Did you know Peace Talk Podcasts come out every Monday? They are short and sweet, always under ten minutes. I’d love your reviews on itunes (and you can listen on stitcher too).
Here’s yesterday’s episode on the Silent Treatment (I was on a roll on that one, it follows along with yesterday’s Grace Note).
Sunday afternoon 8 month deep inquiry group starts November 22nd. Only 3 spots left. We meet 3-6 pm at Goldilocks Cottage.
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Well, this is a first for a Grace Note.
I just said to the voice that tells me instantly what I’m writing about and inquiring into every day…..
…..really? Do I have to talk about that?
But once something appears for at least the third time with a client, I know it’s a powerful experience to question.
Even if embarrassing, shameful, and weird to talk about.
Since it is….even better to actually talk about it.
Pooping.
Now, before you quit reading…..
…..what I’m talking about is something that’s very, very common if you have a body and you eat food.
Everybody poops (or discards waste in some way, even if it’s not the normal route).
When something goes oddly, or differently, or off from the usual course of events, this can really cause health concerns.
And it can also cause a huge amount of stress and anger, anxiety and sadness.
Constipation, diarrhea, not being able to find a bathroom…..
…..if any of this persists, what are the thoughts you have?
I can still remember being a kid and having my first experience with constipation. I have no idea of the exact age. It rarely happened.
Later as a teen, I would sometimes have what I thought of as an odd pain in my gut on the left side. I would then forget all about it, because it would go away, then come back.
(I realized a decade later it was dehydration. I hardly drank any water when I worked downtown at the Science Center Museum where I needed to stand and greet people all day).
I’m so honored at the people who have brought chronic problems with the digestive system to inquiry.
OK, the pooping part of digestion, let’s be honest.
If you’ve ever had this difficult experience, what have your thoughts been?
I hate this
it hurts
I can’t stand it
fume
this is such a hassle
I can’t do things other people can do
this is embarrassing, shameful
I hate having to wait
My schedule revolves around this activity (arrrgghhh)
Are your thoughts about this true?
Are you sure?
When my kids were little, someone gave us the gift of a book called Everybody Poops. My former husband and I thought that was one of the best kids books, besides George and Martha.
We loved it.
(We actually sang it to the tune of R.E.M.’s Everybody Hurts every time we opened the book….)
We could see our kids learning to be with this crazy, fascinating phenomenon of eating and pooping.
How do you react when you believe your experience is frightening, causing you to miss things, “making” you wait, or hurting you?
I’m not talking about denying that it hurts.
If there’s pain, there’s a message and a communication. You consult doctors, healers, specialists, experts. You research and see what you can find out that works better. You learn about what you’re eating, or what else might be going on.
But meanwhile, you can notice the anger and frustration, the experience of reacting with fury.
Who would you be without your beliefs that this pooping thing is wrecking your life?
This can be any physical symptom, really.
This is powerful work, since we have bodies and things go haywire with these bodies at times, for everyone.
(It’s called getting sick).
Who would you be without the belief this shouldn’t be happening to your body?
Wow.
I notice I still don’t long for it to happen—but I feel more accepting. More attentive. More relaxed.
I then notice my mind begins to fall into the turnarounds.
How could this be interesting, to be sitting quietly in the bathroom for 30 minutes, waiting for this digestive process to happen?
Like everything with the body, it brings me to No Control.
To caring for this thing I appear to be inhabiting, called body.
Now that I think about it, I was going to be meditating at this time anyway. I’m staring at the bathroom wall, feeling this room, feeling the body, relaxing, allowing this to be as it is.
Also making a note to self that ignoring the fact that I lost my water bottle the other day, and only drinking out of the fountain after my usual sweaty workout, probably could change.
One of the first clients I ever worked with had very despairing thoughts about pooping keeping him from social situations.
We all love to make poop jokes and cackle about farting.
I can be right in there with the rest of us, but I loved that he brought this to genuine inquiry, without shame.
What he found was that he continued to visit some nutritionists to aid his digestion and make changes to his diet, and meanwhile, he also found very good reasons to have quiet days to himself.
He also had the thought…..maybe I don’t have to lock myself away.
Maybe I can join with others in social occasions, and excuse myself if I notice I need to leave…..without the belief I’m missing something special.
He didn’t have to be all freaked out about disappointing others, or saying what was going on, or making something up that was a lie.
Just a simple “I need to go take care of something, maybe I’ll be back, and maybe not.”
I find over and over, when I turn around these thoughts about the body, I can find them in my thinking….and that’s all I can really change anyway:
I hate my thoughts about this
my thinking hurts
I can’t stand my thinking
relax, peace, be
my thinking is such a hassle
I can do things other people can do
this is common, something that occurs in humans
I love waiting, being still
My schedule revolves around this activity (it’s OK), or my thinking revolves around this activity
“Isn’t that what you really want? A balanced, healthy mind? Has a sick body ever been a problem, or is it your thinking about the body that causes the problem? Investigate. Let your doctor take care of your body as you take care of your thinking. I have a friend who can’t move his body, and he is loving life. Freedom does not require a healthy body. Free your mind.” ~ Byron Katie
Do what you’re drawn to do, research the cause, seek new information, but while you’re doing all this…..
…..hum a little tune “Everybody Poops…..”
Enjoy this beautiful video that shows the mind, and thought, doing what it does in people.
if they aren’t answering or calling back….The Work
Have you ever had a relationship end on a slightly sour note….
….or a slammed door with no speaking for a long, long time?
Ouch.
Several years ago, I didn’t understand why a really good friend of mine wasn’t responding to my emails.
At first I noticed, but didn’t worry.
She was a strong, independent, outspoken, fairly opinionated person. Super direct.
She ran her own business, had a pretty tight calendar, and sometimes had even reminded me of a good military personality, like the boss of the event, the one in charge, the one running the meeting.
Those qualities can be spectacular and useful, depending on the situation.
Sometimes, these qualities can be a bit icy.
I didn’t push or consider it much, until I had thought “wait, I haven’t heard from her in a super long time, come to think of it.”
I checked to see if I really did email her.
Yes, it showed up in my Sent files.
I sent another quick one out letting her know I’d love to hear from her and it seemed about time to connect and catch up.
Nada.
After a few more weeks, and a few consultations with good friends, I decided to give her a call.
I got her voicemail.
Nothing back.
This time, I consulted deeply with a few people whose advice I would appreciate, like my mom.
I went over the past several months, as if looking to see if I missed anything about what would make her unable to call or email, or unwilling.
There were a few educated guesses.
And what I got from these thoughtful conversations was that I loved this friend dearly, was worried about her, wondered if there was something amiss.
I called again, got the voicemail again, and left a long message (it got cut off) and called again to complete the message, including how much I loved and cared about her and if she needed to share anything at all with me, I was open to hear it.
A week or so later, she sent me an email saying “I’m soooo busy, thanks for your sweet message, I just don’t think I’ll be available until a couple of months from now because x, y, z.”
OK.
A bit odd.
But nothing else I could really do.
I shrugged.
I never heard from her again.
Last week, during another Year of Inquiry telesession, I was remembering that period of time where silence ensued.
The experience of asking a question, and the person not answering. Making a call, and the person not calling back. Sending a letter, and not hearing a response. Reaching out, and getting no reply.
This can happen even with strangers, in business situations, in workplace communication, and with close family.
Silence.
Hello?
Anyone there?
What a great moment for The Work.
Who would you be without your belief that someone should respond to your question, card, note, text, call?
Who would you be without your beliefs about what it means?
Free to express yourself honestly, with kindness and love, and then let it go.
During that time of no-response, I knew something was up (I learned later what it was and have shared about this in other Grace Notes.)
I had no idea this friend was suffering the way she was, and that she was frightened of me (or who she thought I was).
But since I had The Work, instead of getting angry or hiding my fear, I left a deeply honest message, with my heart racing and my armpits sweating bullets….
….and I told her how much I loved her and wanted to make contact.
That was the real truth of it.
Without The Work, I might have avoided, let it fade away, been sad and always felt like a victim.
What if you turned your thought around: I should call them back, I should contact them, I need to reach out, I need to express or communicate with them, I need to be with me, this silence is pleasant, beautiful, sweet, they do not need to go faster, this is a lovely, perfect pace, I need to be with me, I should call myself back.
Yes, I can contact me, right here, noticing the beauty of silence.
I can hold this other person’s qualities with appreciation in my heart, and open to how it is just as good not hearing from them as hearing from them.
I might notice what I truly really want, and enjoy, in this lack of communication.
Quiet.
“For underneath all the words, underneath all the sounds, the complex stories, the agreements and disagreements, the shared history, the hopes of a tomorrow, there is a love here with no name, a silence which cannot be disturbed, a timeless intimacy in its infancy that is ever-present and fresh, a deep rest that endures even after the passing of the impermanent body. Love is stronger than death. May we always meet in this deathless space we call Now.” ~ Jeff Foster
Even when the person has not died, but is somewhere unknown and not communicating with you….
….you can meet in the space of love, right now.
Send them kindness, tenderness, and acceptance, and give yourself the very same.
Stabbed in the heart by that person? Staying with the broken, hurt place brings you to your humanity.
One night a week, Mondays, became family dinner night several years ago.
Everyone knows I don’t really like to cook.
I have no trouble with cooking, and I love to eat absolutely anything anyone creates (I have zero pickiness) and I love doing the dishes.
I really do not enjoy trying to figure out what to eat, choose the item, find the recipe, and actually cook or make it.
I’d make a smoothie and feel perfectly happy.
At some point I stopped trying to like to cook.
When my kids were little, I always made dinner every night. I had the same 5 things I created over and over–they were really good.
Creativity was not my interest in this department.
Then divorce happened.
Something kind of gave up trying to do whatever you’re supposed to do around meals.
I dropped the “I should(s)…..”
So after a time of the change in the family configuration, and everything starting all over again without the images in place any more of what it was supposed to look like….
….I thought, hey….my kids can do a meal once a week.
They can pick the recipe, or choose whatever we’re eating, and I’ll buy the food or ingredients.
Mondays.
Family dinner night, even if we do eat together other nights, this one is a For Sure night.
Skip to a decade later.
Only daughter here at home, age 18. Son at college.
(Son loves to cook, by the way, and owns two cookbooks along with kitchen items he bought with his own money).
During the past year, Monday night dinner night has been cancelled and thrown to the wayside many times.
I had reinstated it a few days ago.
My husband and I decided on the food.
I was working with clients until 6:30 pm, but after that…..family dinner night was going to happen!
When I emerged from my last client appointment, she was lying on the couch.
“Let’s get dinner on the table!” I declared.
“What???!!!! I HATE eating after 7 pm!! Why did you wait so long?! The only reason I’m even in this room is because of your Dinner Night or I would be going to BED! Now! I am soooooo exhausted! I can’t stand your food idea either! And why didn’t you start at least cooking already!?!”
Lightening bolt courses through me.
I say with anger….
….”Why didn’t you request a different night, then? It’s not like this is written in stone, especially if it causes so much suffering. Go to bed! Family Dinner Night is off!!”
Daughter storms out.
Sigh.
The feeling of being insulted or disrespected arose so fast in me, like a fire.
Under the surface, I am hurt.
She doesn’t care about me, she doesn’t want to spend time with me (us), she’s mean.
Who would I be without these thoughts?
I’ve been here before, in this inquiry.
I see it and feel immediately what it would be like without the belief she doesn’t like me.
If her words did not mean anything personal, I would realize right now I never really asked her if she would be up for the idea.
I didn’t let her know I’d like to spend time with her.
Honestly, I’m not even sure I liked the idea of cooking (of course I didn’t) or making a production out of it on a Monday night.
I didn’t even ask her if she felt ill, since 7 pm was very early to want to go to bed.
Who would you be without the belief someone doesn’t like you?
Even if they say “I don’t like you” who would you be without the belief that it is really, absolutely true?
I’d see them having their reaction.
I’d be with them as they have it.
I’d connect with the reality of the situation, which is that something I’ve done or said is not computing well with this person.
They’re saying “no”.
That’s it.
I turn the thought around: she does care about me, love me, want to spend time with me. I am mean, disrespectful, insulting….to her, to myself.
Could any of these be just as true, or truer?
This was another moment in time, an exchange, a place I felt the vulnerability of disappointment, loss, concern….
….a childlike core place of “ouch”.
After doing The Work for awhile in my room, I felt like I was hugging the little raw, exposed part of me.
Moments later I heard daughter came back into the living room, so I stepped out of my room, and I hugged her and stroked her back as big crocodile tears rolled down her cheeks. She told me she was thinking about how much she had to get done.
“To stay with that shakiness–to stay with a broken heart, with a rumbling stomach, with the feeling of hopelessness and wanting to get revenge–that is the path of true awakening. Sticking with that uncertainty, getting the knack of relaxing in the midst of chaos, learning not to panic–this is the spiritual path.” ~ Pema Chodron
In my graduate school program 20 years ago, we had a saying. “It’s not what I do…..it’s what I do next.”
We had t-shirts made with these words on it. Our special reminder, our discovery in imperfection, in feelings, in staying with something, in repair.
My kids teach me this over, and over again.
And everyone who has ever acted like they didn’t like me, or said so.
Thank you.
“Go ahead, climb up onto the velvet top of the highest stakes table. Place yourself as a bet. Look God in the eyes and finally for once in your life, lose.” ~ Adyashanti
Fear of going down….no good at sea (in life) especially when it comes to money
I have to make more money.
Recently I sat in a small inquiry circle and someone brought up this thought.
We decided to take a look and investigate.
As I heard, contemplated, and felt the belief “I have to make more money” I reflected on when I have had this thought in my life to the point of desperation, or terror, or fury, or sadness.
I remembered sitting on my couch in my little cottage about 7 years ago holding my mortgage bill, due in one week.
I had $10.16 in my bank account.
The numbers on the bill said around $2000 was due.
Now.
If not paid within 7 days, it would be late, and a late charge would be added (I had never had this added before in my life).
I googled “foreclosure”.
I found out you have 3 months of not paying before they come in with the sirens, or whatever happens when you “foreclose”.
What you think is your house becomes the bank’s house.
I had been applying for jobs for many months. I had gone to many interviews.
I was waiting to hear from one job in particular. But even if I heard the news “you’re hired!” I wouldn’t have $2000 in 7 days.
It seemed hopeless.
There was absolutely no way to get the money for the mortgage. I would be starting the beginning of the 3-late-payments-to-foreclosure process in a week.
This seemed the most likely scenario, if we’re really being honest here.
I had already borrowed from family, I had taken out loans, I had maxed out a credit card, I had sold most things I owned of worth, I had even tried to sell this house (despite being terribly sad to not have a home)….and not had any offers that would cover my mortgage loan with the sale.
My conversation with the universe went something like…..
….”What else do you want me to DO? I have to keep this house! I have to earn more money!”
The thing is…..
…..I had inquiry in my life.
I knew enough to be aware that I was killing myself internally with the stressful thought that things must go the way I wanted.
Let my will be done.
Notice the key word…..”my”.
Not the will of Reality (if it has a will), not the will of God.
Mine.
Here are some other stressful thoughts I’ve had about money during my lifetime.
You might relate.
storing money brings safety and security for the future
if I’m not making money, I’m doing something wrong
I should care about service I give, not money I receive
wealth is having lots of money
poverty is lacking money
being without money is dangerous
the money I have or receive is mine
the money I give or pay is theirs
money is _______ (see what happens when you describe money)
The stories about money and what it’s doing are so deep, and can be excruciatingly painful, and also, very hidden.
But let’s take a look at that one repetitive thought, the one I remembered having that time sitting on the couch, with a vengeance.
I could still find it existing inside me, just not so intense as before.
I have to make more money.
Is that true?
Yes. Duh. Who doesn’t want more money?
But can I absolutely know it’s true that I have to make more money?
Hmmmm. I may be screaming in my head that I LIKE more money, but not necessarily that I have to make more of it.
I don’t know this to be absolutely true.
But it sounds kinda dumb to even entertain the idea that I don’t have to make it at all.
I mean, what are my other options for obtaining money (note the assumption still alive and well that money must be gotten, or made, or saved, or kept)?
Besides making money…..there’s the lottery, an inheritance, a surprise gift, winning it, money growing on the tree in my back yard (little joke), a trust fund, stumbling upon a hidden buried treasure.
Making money means working for it, trading something valuable for it, offering something worthy for it, doing something important for it, creating something appreciated for it.
It seems practically absolutely true, or waaaaay more likely, that I would make money rather than get it another one of these ways.
Funny how even though we know this, something seems more appealing (you can question this) about the other ways besides earning that people get money.
How do you react when you believe you have to make money, or more of it if you’re already making it?
Super stressful, you may have noticed.
There’s scheming to think of ways to increase your work load, your salary, your time management. Plans to achieve, save, earn, earn, earn, invest, analyze future projections.
You may give up other things you love, like exercising, playing, doing things for no good reason, being artistic, hanging out with friends, dating.
With the thought that you have to earn….you may work your butt off now and think about how later you’ll be resting in retirement.
Some day, you’ll relax.
You may resent something about all this.
No matter how much you have.
All you notice is, the thought brings stress, not peace.
Now…..
…..who would you be without the belief that you have to make more money?
Some people feel frightened of entertaining this idea.
If I gave up the thought I have to earn more money, I would lay on the floor all day eating, dozing off, drooling.
I’d lose everything! I’d live on the street! I wouldn’t be safe! I wouldn’t have health insurance!
Must worry! Must keep nose to grindstone! Must EARN!
But if you really allowed yourself to explore what it would be like to not “have to” earn more money?
You still get to love what you love, without the thought.
It doesn’t mean you have to love being homeless (unless you are, or do).
For me, without the belief I have to earn money…..
…..I simply notice a wild, passionate, excited, sweet, powerful energy of LOVING making contact with money, and humanity, and life.
Call it work, OK.
Every job I’ve ever had has brought me face-to-face with people I needed to find resolve with.
Every job I’ve ever had has pressed me to wake up, invited me to expand beyond the smaller picture I have of myself as someone who can’t handle it.
Every job I’ve ever had invited me to end my stand as a victim, as someone working alone–the sole provider of my own support.
In that moment where I looked at the impossible mortgage bill due, and my midget sized bank account, and could sit without the thought that I needed to make more money….
….I found acceptance, and then, gratitude.
I do not need to make more money. I need to make less money. I need to make more of myself. Money needs to make more of me.
In that situation, the need for money WAS making more of me.
It was inviting me, passionately pleading for me to make more of myself. To trust, honor, love and feel the leadership energy inside myself.
I saw in that moment how it would be an amazing experience to lose my house and move in with my mother, and relax, and accept what was happening.
It was a bit crazy, right after complete and total acceptance of my financial situation, when I was given a gift of my entire mortgage, plus living expenses, from an unexpected and surprise donation from friends and family from literally all over the world for my birthday, which happened to be that week.
(Wait, I don’t get to go through this grand experiment of learning to love moving in with my mom again?)
What thoughts can YOU turn around about money, and all the associated stressful beliefs you think are locked in place forever?
storing money does NOT bring ANY safety and security for the future (there is no guaranteed future, not even tomorrow)
if I’m not making money, I’m thinking something wrong
I should care about money and service equally
wealth is feeling love, trust, comfort and peace when it comes to anything (including money)
poverty is feeling suspicion, distrust, emptiness and stress when it comes to anything (including money)
being without money is exciting, being with money is dangerous (sometimes just as true), being with my thinking is dangerous
money is not mine or theirs or owned by anyone (it’s flowing in and out like a beautiful tide, and I have my part in it, like breathing air)
money is _______ (see what happens when you take all the troubling ways you describe money and turning them to the opposite! My thinking has those difficult qualities!)
“Mankind owns four things that are no good at sea; rudder, anchor, oars, and the fear of going down.” ~ Antonio Machado
Fear of going down….
….this is all I could think about before, holding that mortgage statement in my hand that day before inquiry.
After inquiry, oh good….this is going down.
After inquiry, oh good….a loss becomes something brilliant, unexpected, unplanned, genius.
After inquiry, oh good….feeling the astonishment of money doing whatever it does, and knowing it’s not personal, or required.
“You didn’t make the rain or the sun or the moon. You have no control over your lungs or your heart or your vision or your breath. One minute you’re fine and healthy, the next minute you’re not. When you try to be safe, you live your life being very, very careful, and you may wind up having no life at all.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
I have been planning on driving the 90 minutes north on the freeway for several months to see and hear this man speak!!
It’s already planned! We’re leaving at 3 in the afternoon! I have the whole afternoon/evening blocked off! I’m getting my car oil changed just to drive the 80 miles north!
There’s a picture in my head.
I get in the car with my daughter. We have a smooth drive north, greeting my son at his apartment, going to get some yummy dinner somewhere, and then going to the university campus to hear the inspiring and curious man talk.
I just finished his book on the airplane a month ago, reading, reading, reading…..(Die Wise by Stephen Jenkinson).
The whole flight from London to Vancouver I was loving that book.
Pausing to put the book down, eyes tearing up, considering the awesome topic: Death.
I didn’t know he would sell out an entire auditorium!
Where was this announced? Why wasn’t I informed?
Who’s organizing things around here?
(They did it wrong since I am not on the list for entry–chuckle).
Here comes the little voice within. A high-pitched protest, and honestly I can’t even hardly muster more than a split second of arguing with what is, but it is there.
Yes, it is there.
This news.
It all happens in literally about 3 seconds.
Reading the words SOLD OUT.
A flare goes up.
The next thoughts of solving the “problem”.
Who is selling the tickets? Is there a box office? What if I try to buy a ticket from someone who can’t use theirs, on my way in…..like for rock concerts or the Seahawks?
But I have two young adult children I want to go WITH me and THEY want to go, too. Three tickets is harder than one. But I could go alone if its that frickin’ important.
Think, think, think. (Blah, blah, blah).
Outcomes of future image possibilities flashing behind my eyes.
I research a moment, send one email.
She replies back…..yep…..SOLD OUT. Sorry ‘bout that.
But here’s the wonderful thing about inquiry.
No trying to make anything happen, or trying to make the outcome different….
….the thought simply arises like a balloon over the whole flurry of “this is not good”….
….maybe I’m meant to stay home Thursday next week.
Or, maybe I still drive to visit my son, with my daughter, and we have dinner and wander on over to the venue just to see, no expectations. And we get home at a reasonable hour if there’s no chance to hear the lecture.
Who knows?
I relax.
Let’s see where this goes.
Maybe I’ve been spared, for all I know.
Who would you be without the belief that what you want is the best for you, next Thursday?
I mean, seriously?
I notice this same author is coming back to my area in the northwest US next spring. I notice I am not teaching a retreat or workshop that day.
I notice the event is the same topic, but six hours instead of two.
Maybe I’ll go.
But it’s not required, I also notice.
Why do I think being in this author’s presence sounds so thrilling?
(You can do this work if you have a crush on someone, or want to go to a workshop with someone you admire, or feel left out at work, or want to be praised by your boss….anything).
Why do I want to go?
Well. I love contemplating existence, and non-existence, and caring for others who are in pain or dying. I love contemplating my own departure from this form.
I love opening to life, and death, and temporary, and permanent.
I think he knows a lot about these things. He’s hung out with a lot of people who are “dying”. I got to do that, too, for five years.
So my energy gravitated naturally towards spending time in a contemplation with someone else, and a whole room full of people, all of whom want to lean all the way in to this inquiry about life and death, and wise-ness.
It sounds wonderful.
So why do you want to hang out with the person you’ve got an eye on?
Turn the thought around: I need to buy a ticket to an event with myself next Thursday. I do not neeeeeeeeeed to buy a ticket to see the author next Thursday. I need to buy a ticket to whatever Thursday is, wherever I am, and whoever I’m actually with.
These are just as true, or truer.
I need to contemplate death, and life, and laughter, and tears.
I do not need to go, unless I do (and so far, it’s not at all necessary, obviously).
Do you notice, when you turn something around like this, that your mind might say “but, it’s not as fun or good or enlightening or sexy or pleasurable when it’s me, myself and I”?
Are you sure?
“Skip the middle man!” ~ Byron Katie
Next Thursday, since the afternoon is already blocked off on my calendar (for like, two months, may I remind you)….
….since my calendar is blocked off….how could I enter an evening of open contemplation and curiosity about death, hospice, declining body, exiting, and my own deepest knowing that I will die wise?
Hmmmm, this could be really good, no matter what.
“The master stays behind; that is why she is ahead. She is detached from all things; that is why she is one with them. Because she has let go of herself, she is perfectly fulfilled.” ~ Tao Te Ching #7
I am truly overwhelmed and honored by all the emails, facebook head chats, messages, texts and a few in-person thank-you’s letting me know the Eating Peace webinar was meaningful, helpful and genuinely inspiring last night.
I wound up recording it (slightly accidental).
Click here (to my cooooool intro page I learned how to create all by myself) enter your email and you’ll receive everything you need to watch the webinar in your Inbox. If you don’t want to remain on the Eating Peace mailing list after you get it, just unsubscribe at the bottom, no biggie.
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It’s exciting when something works out better than you ever imagined, right?
Yay, this is good….says the inner commentator.
The feeling within is alive, excited, thrilled.
Maybe you have the thought “I made it!” or “I did it!”
But I notice sometimes stressful ideas and feelings may follow on the heals of judging things as “good”.
It’s called “I have to keep this now.”
The mind follows a line of thinking that goes something like:
Cool. I got this. Hey, let’s raise the bar now. Get to the “next level”. Achieve, accomplish, keep the success going, push through it, now 10x this thing!
(Picture a British drill sergeant yelling “GO GO GO!! Look Alive!! Look Alive!!!”)
Even if you’re not that intense, how strange the movement of thinking so quickly orients to holding on to what you got, making sure you don’t lose. You’re managing yourself and your surroundings.
The other day I heard a good friend say “I don’t want to talk about getting the new job, cause I don’t want to jinx it.”
So cute, really.
We get so superstitious.
What I’m doing, saying, thinking could make something topple, or stay with me, or move against me, or support me.
Can’t get toooooo excited, or I might wind up disappointed later!
Dang.
It’s so much WORK.
But who would you be without the belief that you did it (whatever wonderful thing it was)?
This is really un-hitching yourself from the idea that someone is to blame….including for the good stuff.
I’m not taking away the accomplishment, or suggesting you’re not as competent, or that you didn’t work super hard to get somewhere, or that you weren’t the one practicing, learning, creating.
(Or am I?)
This is simply a little exploration in noticing that even getting what you think you want sometimes isn’t all its cracked up to be.
I’ve worked with so many clients in sessions or retreats who dream of lots of money, or being thin, or being healthy, or finding a mate, or having a rock star business, or becoming president (well, OK, not one person has ever told me they wanted to be president).
Nothing wrong with any of these….
….but who would we be WITHOUT the belief that I am the one who must push, make, try, grab, fight, or drive something into happening?
Do you notice the pressure that can happen with believing you are the one in charge?
And how the thought is very long-standing and has been around a long time that your life is up to YOU?!
Who would you be without this belief….in a good way?
I notice I feel very connected to the world.
All the people who have supported me, all the steps and lessons and teachers and hard times and easy times. My heart beating, my lungs going in and out, without me telling them how to do it.
I’d feel this moment right now, full of appreciation.
I’d thank my mind for thinking, thinking, thinking so very much and believing so many thoughts that it practically shorted out like an electrical current.
I just wouldn’t be against myself, without the belief that my-life-is-up-to-me-so-I-better-work-my-ass-off.
Very aware that there is not an individual solo me here running the show.
I turn the thought around: I did not do it.
It was done. It did me.
Somehow all forces of the universe converged, and I was there, and it happened.
I wasn’t in command, much as the mind would like to think I was. Not the one or the thing at the helm, not the one in charge, not the do-er of it all.
No way. Impossible.
Can you find the lightness in letting go of the drive to get there, get it, achieve it?
This doesn’t mean lie down on the floor and do nothing.
I notice I rarely want to do that (although I did today for awhile….right down on the floor, on the red floral carpet….it was a good position for some reason).
It just means my hands are open and relaxed, and nothing is required.
Ahhhhhhh. Awe-some.
“One day I noticed I wasn’t breathing–I was being breathed.” ~ Byron Katie
Let the show play on!
Much Love,
Grace
P.S. Wow, we are starting at 9:30 am this morning in north Seattle (Kenmore) with three days of Eating Peace. There’s room for you, if something in your heart says YES. If you’re scared to try, just come. Hit reply and let me know, I’ll send you the address.
