Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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Are You Too Quiet Sometimes? Speaking Up PLUS Eating Peace Webinar

Filled with regret
I should have spoken up

Today, I put together a free webinar. (Finishing touches still underway, it’ll be raw and unedited and live, tomorrow at 5 pm Pacific Time).

The webinar is: Five Brutal Beliefs to Question if you Want Eating Peace. 

But really, anyone can consider these beliefs and take them to inquiry.

You don’t have to have ever had a single compulsive bite of food.

Most people have experienced a compulsive bite of thought, however.

What do I mean by compulsive thought?

The dictionary defines compulsion as riveting, fascinating, compelling, gripping, engrossing, enthralling, captivating, irresistible, uncontrollable, overwhelming, urgent, obsessive.

Have you ever noticed your thoughts have to have this kind of energy before you actually DO something compulsive?

It’s like this: I have a thought and I believe it’s real and true.

It happens in two milliseconds flat.

Even though it makes me feel anxious, sad, angry, or unhappy….

….I’m a believer.

It doesn’t cross my mind to question whether or not the idea was true, or to question my conclusions, or the stressful things I’m imagining.

Nope, I simply decided without question what that person said about me, or what happened, or what will happen, and what I’m feeling, are threatening.

What’s happening isn’t good.

Help! Help! Help!

(Cut to chicken running around with head cut off).

Most people when they get scared, and they don’t know how to, or remember to, inquire into their mind running the show….

….then begin to do everything possible to CALM DOWN.

Compulsion, addiction, temporary insanity, craving, urges, driven, wild, frenzied, wanting, needy, desperate, grabbing, crying, wailing, screaming, self-pity….

….oh boy.

The drama! The excitement!

And I know….the extreme suffering.

We can joke around about the experience of compulsive behavior, but it’s not really that funny if you’re in the middle of it.

I can even look back at my past life 30 years ago and feel sad that it was so hard.

(But I did question once “I ruined and lost my twenties” and found it was not true).

So who would you be without believing your mind is telling the truth?

I know this is an enormously huge question, and might make some a bit skittish.

(How will I know what’s true if I don’t have a mind? How will I protect myself if I don’t believe what I’m thinking? How will I be sane, or safe, if I don’t believe my stories?)

But it’s sooooo interesting and wonderful and exciting to imagine the freedom.

To notice you ARE the freedom.

Today, as it happens sometimes, not only was an individual client questioning thoughts about speaking up, but the Year of Inquiry group was as well.

We looked at the concept: “she shouldn’t have said that in front of everyone”.

I could find a situation immediately where a co-worker spoke up to our boss during a meeting, saying something about me I felt very embarrassed about….”Grace comes in late all the time, and makes lots of mistakes.”

She shouldn’t have said that.

I remember the feeling I had. The red hot face, the shame, the absolute rage at her later on.
Inside my head I was saying “I HATE HER!!!”
And to my friends, too.
Who would I be without the belief that co-worker so long ago shouldn’t have accused me, shouldn’t have said that?
Noticing how very safe I was, and supported. Noticing how kind our supervisor was, and clear. Noticing I never got fired, or reprimanded badly, and I got a raise later on and cleaned up my schedule and my too-speedy work.
She called me, in fact, to a more confident, clear, directed version of ME.
She should have said that.
 
Woah. True.
Turning the thought around again: I shouldn’t have said that.
 
The inquirer on our group call said “Well, I didn’t say anything!” So her examples were more about what she said to others, or said in her own mind, or said to herself.
But then we found a really juicy other turnaround, that very much fit in this particular situation: I shouldn’t have stayed quiet.
 
Who was believing, immediately, without question, that she was wrong, or being shamed, or being charged with a crime, or stupid, or hated?
That was ME.
The fear was immediate and burned deeply…..I am not good enough, she doesn’t like me, something terrible is going to happen, I can’t speak up.
None of these things were ever said out loud, at all.
Ever.
Just a few simple other words (which in my case were completely accurate).
If you’re the type of person who is too quiet, sometimes….
….you may want to explore why.
Perhaps it really WAS safer to stay quiet and not speak up (in which case, good for you for making a wise choice).
But if you’re still worried when someone confronts you, you may want to do some deep inquiring, and see if what you’re believing is actually true.
To practice living this turnaround today, I got this idea to do the webinar I mentioned.
It may not be perfect, I may fall over my words, I might not get my point across clearly, you might think my voice is dorky, the pictures or slides may not make total sense….
….but that’s what you risk when you speak up.
You risk having it go very badly (chuckling now).
Turning it all around in the most remarkable way to imagine the future without suffering:
I am willing to speak up and someone saying I shouldn’t have.
I look forward to speaking up and someone saying I shouldn’t have.
It could definitely happen.
“‘But Katie, someone might say, ‘isn’t fear biological? Isn’t it necessary for the fight-or-flight response? I can see not being afraid of a growling dog, but what if you were in an airplane that was going down–wouldn’t you be very scared?’ Here’s my answer: ‘Does your body have a fight-or-flight response when you see a rope lying on the path ahead of you? Absolutely not–that would be crazy. Only if you imagine that the rope is a snake does your heart start pounding. It’s your thoughts that scare you into flight-or-flight–not reality.”~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
If you’d like to join my webinar tomorrow, Wednesday at 5 pm Pacific Time, then click this link here to register (kinda proud of my art work creation webinar page registration, so much fun to learn).
Click Here To Register for Eating Peace (Thinking Peace) webinar.
Watch my introduction here:
Much Love,

Grace

Room for plenty more still, starting Friday, with 3 days of Eating Peace. Clean up your inside thoughts, clean up your eating. October 9-11, 2015. For more information, click here.

 

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A Mother And Daughter Conversation

an uninvestigated story argues with reality

Yesterday I had a sort of embarrassing conversation.

If it was recorded, it would be really, really bad.

7:16 am.

Daughter: I’m sooooo tired.

Stays seated on couch.

Me: (typing on computer).

Daughter: I should make my lunch.

Stays seated on couch.

Me: You need to get there right at 7:30 to talk with your teacher about the missing assignment.

Daughter: I don’t really need to get there THAT early.

Me: But since I’m driving you we have to get going. I need to get back to work with a client at 8:30. If you’re not leaving early, you may as well go ahead and take the bus.

Major tone change in voice.

Daughter: You’ll have plenty of time, jeez, what’s the problem!! We’re going to get there on time, it only takes, like, 7 minutes to get to school!!

Also major tone in voice. As in louder.

Me: I don’t see you getting up to make your lunch, though, and we should leave in 2 minutes!!

Daughter: But what about Starbucks!?

Me: Seriously?

Daughter: YOU SAID you would TAKE me to STARBUCKS!!!!!

Me (on the inside): (You little demanding entitled butt head, there is no way we are going to Starbucks).

I drive past Starbucks.

There was a 7 minute discussion about how long Starbucks takes from order to waiting to receiving the food and drink, and me giving a speech on how ridiculous to go to Starbucks when you can make tea or coffee at home and put it in a to-do washable cup.

Which would have taken 4 minutes, according to daughter, which would be waaaaay too long. (Longer than Starbucks).

So I’m fuming at the ludicrous conversation and actually IN IT at the same time. And trying to prove that making breakfast at home is faster than going to Starbucks.

I say in a huff, “You know what? You’re right.”

Silence.

Yep. That mature.

I think very quietly all the way home, in the silent car, after daughter gets out and slams car door.

The discussion of minutes, Starbucks, breakfast, lunch, tiredness, assignments, any of that did not really matter.

There was something inside that just wanted to be RIGHT.

It’s like a hot fire ready to scream “You are defying me? The Great and Powerful Oz???!!”

But what’s underneath that urge to defend, fight, and go to war?

Ahhh…..there it is again.

I really want my daughter to be happy.

I want her to feel confident, joyful, energetic, excited.

THIS is not happy.

There’s an extra twist when it’s my child, because I think it means extra extra that if she’s unhappy, I’m a bad mother.

A reflection of MOI.

And actually, I want everyone to be happy. My parents, siblings, colleagues, neighbors, spouse, friends, clients.

The more happy people the better I feel. Right?

Everyone else get happy, now! (Little joke).

However, how incredible to question this deep-held belief that it’s better for me if other people are happy and content.

Especially when reality (the level of happiness) does NOT match what I think I want.

Who would I be without this belief that my daughter really should be in any other mood or attitude or feeling state or experience than she’s actually in?

Wow.

OK.

You mean, no one should feel happier than they do?

But.

I know it’s weird.

Just consider what it would be like to NOT believe that person you love so much should feel happy, when they don’t feel happy. Or that they should act nice, when they don’t.

Yes, imagine not insisting that one single person on this planet be happier than they are.

It sure frees up a lot of pushing.

In fact, it feels like the end of war.

Hmmm, feels a little funnier, happier, goofier, upside-down-ish.

“Both pleasure and pain are projections, and it takes a clear mind to understand that. After inquiry, the experience of pain changes. The joy that was always beneath the surface of pain is primary now, and the pain is underneath it. People who do The Work stop fearing pain. They relax into it. They watch it come and go, and they see that it always comes and goes at the perfect moment.” ~ Byron Katie

My daughter right now, as I type here 24 hours later on the next morning, is reading out loud to me about SAT tests.
Today, she’s not exactly thrilled to be taking a college test exam at 7:45 on a Saturday morning. (She’s got a slight reading disability and does quite badly on tests, but what do I know…..and I don’t care, to be honest, in a really good. light way.)
And she’s the sweetest person, ever.
So beautiful, so stunning. So brilliant.
What I notice is I adore her.
And she adores me.
We get some good sparky fire going between us. The way of it.

Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation.” ~ Mark Twain

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Eating Peace 3Day Retreat. October 9-11, 2015. For more information, click here.

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Don’t Be Careful, You Could Hurt Yourself

If you're too careful about what you say, you could hurt yourself
If you’re too careful about what you say, you could hurt yourself

Eating Peace 3Day Retreat is one week away. Room for more. Join me in this thrilling ride of ending wars with food, eating and body image. October 9-11, 2015. Northeast Seattle. Register HERE.

*********

I need to go easy on him.

Have you ever had that thought when you know you need to bring up something to somebody that you’re pretty sure they won’t like to hear?

Phew.

Feeling mixed about speaking up is very common for a lot of people.

Dangerous results come to mind. Like people getting really mad and running away, or lashing out.

When I was in my twenties I probably got the prize for being the most indirect, angst-ridden, nervous, unclear communicator when it came to dating and men that you’ve ever met.

Well, OK.

It maybe could have been worse.

And here’s the funny part. (Sort of funny, let’s put it that way).

If I didn’t speak, and let it build, and tried to make myself tolerate and NOT talk or say anything hurtful, guess what also tended to happen during those years when it came to communication?

Yep.

The complete opposite.

Slicing someone to shreds verbally on the inside. Being super bossy and controlling. Laying down the law.

I kind of hate to admit it.

The critical part was pretty mean. It mostly happened on the inside. I sometimes gossiped about people I felt scared of. I didn’t want to tell them to their face because I was super worried about hurting their feelings and pleasing them and remaining safe.

It took a lot for me to snap.

My most common way to snap?

Eating.

Since I didn’t let myself speak up to anyone, especially men, so I could avoid hurting their feelings……

…..I would go on these eating binges that felt like tornadoes.

It was like something clicked and I’d say “f*&K IT!” and stop controlling, suppressing, diminishing and squelching my own inner anger. In a mixture of panic, rebellion and fury, I’d eat everything in sight, or drive to find whatever food I damn well wanted.

I also smoked cigarettes, or drank beer or wine.

I was like a Rebel Beoch.

By myself in my own car driving around listening to loud music.

Finally telling the whole world off by expressing the inner energy like a fire storm.

When no one was looking.

(How was that workin’ for me? Um, not so hot actually).

The trouble with letting out energy sideways like that, it never gets directly resolved.

The truth was I felt the crushing experience of believing that Other People I Love could both hurt me, and be hurt by me.

I wanted everyone to be pleased with me so that I myself never got hurt, and never caused hurt.

In many ways, this is the sweetest, dearest, kindest most loving impulse…..way down deep inside the heart.

Do you see how innocent the impulse is to have no one, including me, ever feel frightened, abandoned, ashamed, or unworthy?

You have this inner impulse of gentle loving kindness, too.

But somewhere along the way, thank God, I discovered that being super careful not to hurt anyone had an obvious assumption for me under the surface:

That it was possible to be hurt (oh terrible), and that hurting must and can be prevented.

But here’s the bummer twist to the plot.

If it’s possible to be hurt and to cause hurt, AND you believe you can prevent it, then you’re in deep doodoo.

You have to be insanely careful.

In my situation with men and dating, I’d just not answer the phone if a guy was trying to reach me for a second date. Or I’d act super this-is-friends-only and pretend I didn’t hear if a guy made flirtatious remarks who I wasn’t really attracted to.

If you believe in getting hurt, you may have to “work” on yourself to make sure you quit acting so hurt. Or you may do everything you can to relieve the hurt, end the hurt, get rid of the hurt. You need to constantly learn techniques to fix the hurt, repair the hurt, and quit suffering about the hurt.

But you just can’t accept the hurt.

No way.

You gotta FIGHT it, SMASH it, DESTROY it, BURY it.

(Munch munch chomp swallow chomp munch smash chew crunch grind chomp).

But who would you be without your story about HURT?

This includes not only hurting when it comes to dating….

….but every kind of emotional fear of getting hurt, like with friends, family, kids, siblings, co-workers, bosses, neighbors.

Who would you be without the belief that you are capable of hurting just like you were hurt?

Without the belief that it means you are worthy of being hurt, if you were hurt?

Or that someone else is worthy of being hurt, if they hurt you (or hurt others)?

What if you didn’t have the thought that hurting is forever?

“There is only one problem, ever: your uninvestigated story in the moment.” ~ Byron Katie

For me, to question my beliefs about this world hurting me has been the most basic, deep mystery brought forth by The Work.

It seemed like the universe was unfriendly.

You know, those unfriendly situations? You know the ones I’m talkin’ about?

Bad stuff happens.

Who am I though, in this present moment, without that thought that hurting happens, that getting damaged is irreparable, or that it means the universe is not so nice?

Not denial, not sugar-coated, not making it look fine when it isn’t…..

…..this is really looking to see what is actually, genuinely true.

I keep finding, with the help of others and the support of life, that every time I believe I’ve been hurt, I’m carried or pushed or guided or pointed, however softly and subtly (sometimes intensely), to something different.

Something healing.

My disordered crazed eating brought me to seek help, which brought me to the wisdom of others who had healed before me, which brought me to looking deep within at my definitions of pain, history, family, love, parents, work, God, life and death.

Your suffering may have brought you here today, to read these words, because you are a lover of understanding life and reality.

You want to know the truth.

Me too.

I turn the thought around about that thing that hurt so horribly:

  • that experience healed me
  • I was not hurt
  • it did not mean I was deserving of the pain
  • there is no need to be careful here
  • I have not unforgivably hurt other people
  • I did not hurt myself permanently
Could these be just as true, or truer?
Remember, this isn’t denial.
It’s not condoning or believing yay, I got hurt or someone else got hurt.
It’s holding it all in one wide open expansive place, mysterious and unknown.
“If you can learn to remain centered with the smaller things, you will see that you can also remain centered with bigger things. Over time, you will find that you can even remain centered with the really big things. The types of events that would have destroyed you in the past can come and go, leaving you perfectly centered and peaceful. You can be fine, deep inside, even in the face of a deep sense of loss…..Ultimately, even if ‘terrible’ things happen, you should be able to live without emotional scars and impressions.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul

Keep inquiring.

We’re getting it.

Can you feel what’s centered and peaceful, even with all the suffering you’ve gone through in your life?

If you can’t….don’t worry.

Inquire.

Nothing more required.

Much Love,Grace

P.S. Do you hurt yourself with food and eating? Eating Peace may be a wonderful experience for you. October 9-11, 2015.For more information, click here.

 

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If You Think It Could Go Wrong, Look Forward To It

mistake
What if you became willing, or looked forward to making a major mistake

But I could make a mistake.

I could do it wrong.

I must do it right.

There are many dangers to worry about when it comes to doing it wrong:
  • hurting someone’s feelings
  • forgetting something
  • saying the wrong date
  • mixing up peoples’ names
  • revealing a secret
  • being mean/bad/nasty
  • eating the wrong food
  • feeling the wrong feeling
  • making a bad decision
  • thinking the wrong thoughts
  • losing something or someone
  • causing pain anywhere

All these places where you can cause upset, do it wrong, experience the result as awkward, or horrible, or dangerous.

And it’s my fault.

(And of course, if it could be my fault, then it could be someone else’s fault too).

The other day I was thinking, during a beautiful inquiry session, about my dreams of doing everything right.

Such a simple, yet painful, belief.

So old. From childhood.

The world is full of right and wrong and therefor it’s possible to do it wrong. I must be vigilant about doing it right.

But what if…..this is amazing really…..

…..what if the world, and life, or any situation you could possibly think of, was never wrong?

Who would you be?

I find, it almost shorts-out, like an electric pulse sparking and dying, the vision of what this might be like.

Can you feel it though, in your body?

What if you just felt what it would be like without your belief that a mistake could be made, in any area, ever?

What if you didn’t know anymore what was right or wrong, in any situation?

Who would you be without the belief that something happens, and its bad or good, and it would be someone’s fault (including yours)?

“Start like a child, honey. Just be a child. Go in for the love of truth. I’ve found that it’s the truth that sets us free. The very simple little truths…..You don’t realize what a success is yet or you would love yourself. You would really love yourself! Skip all the hard work. Look for peace from here now, not in the world. And then enjoy the world as it lives you.” ~ Byron Katie in Who Would You Be Without Your Story?

I am willing to do it all wrong, to makes mistakes every single day, to never get it right, to completely misunderstand, to blunder through it all, to never achieve perfection.
I look forward to doing it all wrong, to making mistakes every single day, to never getting it right, to completely misunderstanding, to blundering through it all, to never achieving perfection.
Ever. Ever. Ever.
How does that feel?
Oh. Wow.
Laughing.
“If you want to shrink something, you must first allow it to expand. If you want to get rid of something, you must first allow it to flourish. If you want to take something, you must first allow it to be given. This is called the subtle perception of the way things are. The soft overcomes the hard. The slow overcomes the fast.” ~ Tao Te Ching #36
Much Love, Grace

P.S. Eating Peace 3 Day retreat is now filling here in Kenmore, Washington. We look at how right/wrong appears with food, eating and body….and imagine who we would be without these thoughts.

For more information, click here.

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I Really Have To Change My Thinking

faraway
Are you thinking you’ll never un-do all your stressful thoughts? Don’t worry, that’s just a thought, too.

Sometimes, when people have been doing self-inquiry a little while, oh OK let’s be honest….a long while….they get a little discouraged about the persistence of thought.

  • I’ll never stop thinking.
  • How could I ever silence all the thoughts that constantly generate in this mind?
  • I’ll be on my death bed questioning my beliefs
  • I haven’t changed enough by now
  • it’s never-ending
  • I quit

Have you noticed how brilliant these ideas are…..for continuing to feel that your situation with thinking is a serious condition?

How do you react when you believe you have to get rid of your thoughts, or that they SHOULD end, or that they’re serious, or that thinking is ruining your life?

I notice one major way people react to this is they feel angry.

With themselves.

Ow.

It must be me and my horrible ego, my powerful brain, my bad thought habits.

I’m anxious, afraid, too many terrible things happened to me. I’m too obsessive.

I’m too addicted to thought. I love stories. I’m terrible. I’m doing it wrong.

I’ll never become enlightened.

(Curtains. Everybody sits in shocked and despairing silence at the terrible end of this movie.)

Well, OK, maybe it’s a little melodramatic, but you know you’ve gone there at some moments, right?

What have you done, to “work” on your thinking?

Books, trainings, mentors, drills, practices, lists, reminders, bells, chimes, workshops.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

(I love them all).

But who would you actually be without your stressful beliefs about thoughts themselves?

Who would you be without your rage, or your angst, or your war against your own mind?

Wow.

Not fight my own mind?

“Don’t worry about undoing all of your beliefs. Just investigate the belief that’s causing you stress now. There is never more than one. Undo that one.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is

I mean, I notice there’s a lot going on around here besides my thoughts.

There’s a being here, it seems, looking around, feeling the pulse of being alive, hearing sounds. All in this collective soup of brilliance and wild wonderful activity.

How does all this even happen? I’m just here, a part of it.

  • I’ll always stop thinking.
  • How could I ever keep alive (and loud) all the thoughts that constantly generate in this mind? (I couldn’t if I tried)
  • I will NOT be on my death bed questioning my beliefs (or, I will be–YAHOO that’ll be fun!)
  • I have changed just right by now, and, it’s not really up to me anyway
  • it’s always-ending
  • “I” doesn’t ever quit. Ha ha!
I love all these turnarounds and how sweetly they appear just as true, or truer.
Can I notice that I always stop thinking about something stressful, and how gaps appear between thoughts, and thoughts move from here to there, reappearing and disappearing over again, and I forgot what I was thinking anyway, over and over.
“And what is aware of all this movement? That which never moves. That which you truly are. In the midst of all the movement of life, total stillness.” ~ Jeff Foster
 
It’s OK to think. OK to question. OK to wonder.

 

There’s so much unknown, so much to wonder about, right?

 

It gives the mind a fabulous job to question thoughts, examine, investigate, study, watch, observe, slow down, lighten up.

 

What do you notice right now, in your present moment?

 

See…..you know what it’s like to not have a story already.

 

Nice.
Much Love,

Grace

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Kiss The Feet of The Master by Investigating your thoughts

On my walk during retreat lunch break--silence, brilliance, joy Kissing the feet of the master
On my walk during retreat lunch break–silence, brilliance, joy. Kissing the feet of the master

I just spent three days in The Work.

Gathering with a group, writing down thoughts, asking people the four questions one by one, answering the questions internally, listening, watching minds scamper around, connecting with others in deep honesty, questioning again, sharing very authentically, dropping in deeper.

This was retreat.

The past three days were so sweet, like eating the most delicious food in the entire world.

I looked around the room gathered with 15 people and thought of them all as the most unique, fascinating, adorable, courageous, willing people.

Many of them part of a Year of Inquiry. A handful simply coming to do The Work, to learn it, to apply it and “do” it for the very first time. Everyone is welcome on the two retreats I do per year (the next one is May 13-15 by the way).

A feeling of great joy filled my body and heart for the entire retreat, the intention, purpose and sincere beauty seen in questioning the mind.

Warm, thrilled, touched, connected.

Looking at a circle of people, for me, was not always this way.

At one time, if I was one member in a circle of 15, including myself, I would have been sizing up everyone as fast as you can say Jackie Robinson.

If I was the facilitator (by some some weird fluke)…..oh boy.

Kill me now. My heart would have been beating fast, I would have had adrenaline. I would have wondered how I got to be leader, was there some mistake?

I would have been judging who I needed to be careful of, who was mentally off, who was needy, who was a blabber mouth, who needed psychological counseling, who to avoid.

My mind would have been the #1 sound, running the show with great precision and speed.

So proud of itself at the helm. So shiny and strong and genius.

And well….ok…..

…..I still think of the mind as an astonishing genius. It still comes up with ideas that are so crazed and insane and loving and hilarious they’re ah-mazing.

But I get the idea now, the truly tear-filled idea, that I do not have to believe everything I think.

Wow.

Who would all of us be without our very sad, or very traumatic, or very tragic, desperate, or empty stories about our lives?

This isn’t something that comes in the snap of two fingers.

For three days, with beautiful meal breaks and bathroom breaks and silent walks and nights to ourselves sleeping, most of us looked at one situation that brought deep disturbance to our peace.

  • A daughter who lied.
  • A wife who might embarrass her husband.
  • A sister who died young.
  • Husbands who didn’t care, didn’t love, didn’t treat his wife fairly.
  • A body that gained weight.
  • Supervisors at work who criticized.
  • A mother who was mentally ill.
  • A mother who never succeeded and wasted her life.
These seem like small slices of the whole big pie of life, right?
Sometimes, one situation seems like such minutiae.
That one five-minute moment where I felt suffering.
Could I really find freedom if I question that one thing, that one situation, that one interval out of my whole existence?
Yes.
Yes.
Try it.
Answer the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet about only one tiny (or very big) interaction with a person in your life who disappointed you, angered you, or made you truly sad.
Not yourself.
It’ll come back to you anyway.
Just trust the process and watch your judgments towards another person.
Give the judgments a voice instead of ramming them underground or deciding you need a lobotomy or hating yourself or doing positive affirmations.
Don’t be such a meanie to your own mind and your own thoughts.
Let them all be there.
Have you tried to CHANGE your thoughts, with aggression? Have you said things like “I’m such a sh*$ I really need to get this together” or “if only I could stop thinking this thought” or “what the hell is wrong with me”?
Well, now you can try another way.
I notice the self-condemnation doesn’t work. It would have worked by now, if it was going to work, I notice.
How about you?
Instead……
……Halleluia, you’re thinking a stressful thought!! You hate someone, you’re really annoyed, they’re driving you bonkers, you can’t stand it, you lost someone!
Let this passion live and come out on to the paper.
This past three days I saw what happens when people explore a situation they experienced as suffering, with The Work. This is what happens when they don’t tell themselves they better stop thinking….or else….
….I call it Love.
At least, it feels like love to me.
“No one knows how to let go, but anyone can learn exactly how to question a stressful thought….After that questioning, you can’t ever be the same. You may end up doing something or doing nothing, but however life unfolds, you’ll be coming from a place of greater confidence and peace.” ~ Stephen Mitchell (married to Byron Katie) in 1000 Names For Joy Introduction
Even if YOU do not see exactly how you are changing, or you throw another log on the fire of hating-what-is and you say something like “I can’t do this questioning thing” or “it doesn’t work for me.”
Your path is very exquisite and unique.
Questioning your situations must become your own.
And it can, and must, become your own inquiry.
Your life is all about being with you and who you are, is it not?
I saw people give themselves this incredible opportunity these past three days to study themselves very closely.
It was soooooo inspiring.
Find YOUR way into self-inquiry. You might wonder if your stressful beliefs are true, and wonder if you’re worthy, or desirable, or important, or loved.
You are.
At least, that’s what I keep seeing as I connect with people in The Work.
People I’m so in love with.
This is one of the things that has happened over time, with the capacity to inquire: I love the people I sit with in a circle.
It is no longer alarming, or something to worry about.
Even if I get a little excited and have damp underarms the first day, and notice my body feels a little electric and on and awake….
….it no longer feels frightening.
Holy Holy Moly that is FANTASTIC for someone with all those pounding judgments in the past, and so much hesitation and caution.
I LOVE EVERYONE.
Then I turn this thought around and realize….
….I’m so in love with me, too.
“Gratitude, you could say, is what remains of the experience of humility. That’s my favorite position. It’s a sense of kissing the ground, licking the ground for its pure deliciousness, kissing the feet of the master that is everything without exception. There is such a sense of thankfulness for no longer being the person who thinks she knows and who has to live life out of that limited, claustrophobic mind.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy
Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Starting a special inquiry circle in Seattle second Sunday of every month from November 8 until June 12 (time TBD). Eight sessions. For those of you who love in-person rather than phone and want to keep inquiry alive so you can practice falling in to love and out of the limited, claustrophobic mind.

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God Spare Me From The Desire To Be Liked

Iwantlove
I need his love…..wait. Is that true?

One of my absolute favorite agonizing beliefs to do The Work on have been stressful beliefs about being liked.

Especially when someone actually DOESN’T like you.

Ooooh, isn’t that just the juiciest thing?

Yowser, it can hurt if you believe someone should like you, care about you, appreciate you, love you….

….and this person appears to dislike you, disown you, cut you off, and hate you.

Ha ha.

A little argument with reality going on here.

But let’s look.

I’ve shared it before (and I’ll probably share it again).

I had a friend.

Notice the key word “had”.

She learned something about me one day, a partial piece of information that was actually said in jest as a joke in a written article, and she believed it was true.

It’s one of my favorite situations and relationships for The Work because I felt so innocent. I felt like I really didn’t do anything wrong, and it was such a big fat misunderstanding.

But she stewed, analyzed, struggled within, and then reported me to the state as a counselor who has sessions with people naked.

Yep, it was that insane.

(I have to chuckle because I am so modest and shy, through my historical conditioning, that I wouldn’t be caught dead in front of anyone outside of a locker room or bedroom).

The fascinating thing is this friend adored me, and I adored her as well. I found our conversations joyful, fascinating, and soooooo in depth.

We were very close and our intellects were thrilled to trade ideas back and forth.

Of course, since I was someone who expected to be liked, who planned and tried hard and worked to be appreciated…..

…..I had no idea of her thought process and didn’t realize for months and months that she was so concerned.

Except I got the hint when she never returned my calls, didn’t respond to emails.

I was thinking….”did I do something wrong, did I say something rude….what??”

This is a really fascinating thing the mind does, that thinks “I” am the important thing here.

It’s all about me.

I must have done something wrong. She should keep liking me.

I could have prevented this dangerous event (betrayal, withdrawal, cut off, anger) from happening.

I had to do The Work a lot on that friendship ending, against my will (ha ha) and because of a ridiculous assumption.

But who would I really, really be without the belief that she should like me, and hang out with me, and see me as brilliant and “right” instead of wrong?

And what is this idea all about anyway…..where it feels safer and more comfortable if people appreciate me, rather than find me threatening?

What is going on there?

There’s this kind of core, deep, yet unnecessary sense physiologically that I’ll die, or be killed, if she doesn’t care about me.

I’m in danger. I’m unimportant. I’m worthy of being betrayed, or dissed, or pushed away. That’s what this means.

Boy, I love the way this assumption and attempt to gain control of the situation grabs for responsibility.

If it’s my fault, I can do something about it.

Trouble is….it’s not really my fault.

There’s a whole host of things happening when someone decides someone else is a piece of dung.

Everyone has their glasses on from their past conditioning, and what they believe, and what they think will be safe, and what they feel they need.

I had to ask myself, many times in that painful work…..

…..who would I be without the belief that I need to be liked and accepted?

By her? By anyone?

“If I had only one prayer it would be this: God spare me from the desire for love, approval, and appreciation. Amen.” ~ Byron Katie

Without the belief that I need to be liked, by anyone, I notice where I’m sitting.
I notice this present, gorgeous moment. A white leather couch. A lamp with newly changed lightbulbs (miraculous, the bulbs), a glass of water, a pink hoody lying near me, a bare arm, snippets in the mind of a wonderful conversation earlier today with my dear friend and teacher Ross, the still air in the room, the dark green trees through the windows.
Without the belief that anyone, ever, needs to like ME (me-me-me-me-me-all-about-me) I’m so free, I almost burst out laughing in this moment.
What are you doing or seeing or feeling in your present moment, even though someone in the world doesn’t appreciate, or like you?
Is it incredible?
If it’s not “incredible” can you just take in what is in your environment, and look around, without feeling the belief that anyone needs to appreciate you personally?
If you stare at the place you’re in…..is it not bizarre, and exciting, and rather fascinating?
Turning the thought around: I must have done something right. She should NOT keep liking me. I should keep liking myself. I should keep liking HER.
 
How could this be as true, or truer?
OMG.
I should keep liking myself, I should keep liking her.
Wow, instead of automatically thinking I must have done something wrong, instead of thinking I screwed up, instead of thinking I’m missing something, instead of thinking she’s awful, instead of thinking she’s a mean messed up incorrect childish person….
….I can find these things are all as true or truer.
I can simply wait.
Be here now for this moment.
“Where do you find the wisdom inside of you, when you’re free, or when you’re worried? Inquiry bring us to that birthright. A free mind. This can feel like going to the dentist at first, but when you’re in peace that’s all you can see–peace. If I’m rattled about something, on the other side of that the most amazing clarity comes….I don’t call this The Work for nothing.” ~ Byron Katie
Do your inquiry. Give yourself this gift.
Who would you be without your belief that anyone should like you?
Much Love, Grace

 

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Violent Thinking=Violent Feeling=Violent Acting

When you're afraid, and you believe it's all true, you may try to escape
When you’re afraid, and you believe it’s all true, you may try to escape

Eating Peace in-person 3 Day Immersion Retreat is coming October 9-11 in north Seattle or November 13-15 in Newark area outside San Francisco. (And I’ll teach it a third time Jan 22-24 here in Seattle again). Mental health counselors earn 32 CEUs.

This Grace Note isn’t just for people with eating issues….

….it’s for those of us who do weird things that don’t make sense, that seem out of integrity to our truest nature.

Things that hurt, or hinder, or damage, or diminish something in our experience.

After many years of eating wars and studying how to stop the insanity I experienced….

….and then working with clients one on one for over a decade….

….I discovered some very common themes and deep-seated fears people experience who don’t know how to eat in peace.

Many of these things are true for people who eat without trouble, but do OTHER things without peace.

I started with myself, of course.

When it comes to the way I ate, I remember it well.

It was a *horrible* way to live.

Overeating, binge-eating, emotional eating, over-exercising, getting up at 5 am, avoiding meals with friends and family, pushing, pushing, pushing…..

…..ugh, what a nut-case.

What a painful life.

I didn’t know how to solve my problem of war-like activity. Constantly, my solution was to find a special or perfect way to do different activity. A different diet, a different exercise routine.

What I didn’t know was that the way I ate was not really my problem.

It was a symptom (you’ve all heard this before, I know).

My actual problem was war-like hateful thinking and feeling.

But I couldn’t see it at the time. I always thought something was wrong with me.

Thank goodness for the teachers, helpers, and healers I encountered along the way.

And thank goodness for my extreme, horrendous, life-threatening behavior…..because it made me HAVE to look, instead of avoid looking year after year.

Eating is NOT the only way war manifests in peoples’ lives.

Which is why I’m talking about it in Grace Notes (rather than only on Eating Peace news or videos, and if you want to see Eating Peace videos, just update your subscription at the very end fine print).

But you may have noticed, people have so many other very agonizing activities they engage in regularly that they don’t really want to be doing…..definitely not just food and eating.

So let’s take a look at how to work with difficult feelings (that lead to such difficult behaviors).

My thoughts and feelings in the past were violent.

When you believe violent thoughts about yourself, about your past, about other people…..you’re scared.

You feel powerless. You feel angry. You feel hateful.

Sometimes you feel like you wish you were dead.

Sometimes you ream on other people and categorize others as evil and dangerous (you’re violent in your mind towards them).

Even if you NEVER have taken a bite of food in your life that was emotional rather than based on physical need…..

…..you probably have done something in your life that you really wish you hadn’t, later.

You may have experienced the feeling of self-criticism, sadness, discouragement, depression or shame.

Have you ever noticed that even when you know a ton of stuff about some topic it doesn’t matter sometimes how much you know?

You study about diet, or money, physical fitness, communication, relationships, business, health, success….

….but nothing really changes.

You still tank on the action becoming different.

You still yell at your kid, you’re still late, you still get super anxious, you still drink too much, you still spend a huge chunk of money outside of your budget, you still surf the internet for an extra two hours, you still worry, you still cheat on taxes, you’re out of integrity.

In Eating Peace we dive into the process of exploring how it happens that even with all the knowledge in the world about nutrition, diet, glucose levels, good-feeling foods, foods for your body type, cave-man diet, or mindful eating, or a getting a degree in medicine…..

…..you still eat when you aren’t hungry, or eat the foods you know don’t work well with your body.

I’m sharing this with you all (not just people interested in Eating Peace) because looking at stressful behaviors when you think you know better is seriously interesting.

And seriously disturbing and discouraging.

Doing something you’ve vowed not to do is also fairly common.

  • Why do I eat when I already know it ends in physical pain and I’m clearly not hungry?
  • Why do I spend money when I already decided I’m trying to save for that special thing and I want to do?
  • Why do I rip that woman to shreds in my head and decide to fire her without explanation?
  • Why do I fantasize regularly about my old boyfriend?
  • Why do I get all freaked out about the next steps in my career that are pretty obvious?
  • Why do I never sit down and finish that book proposal?
  • Why do I race from spiritual teacher to spiritual teacher and fifty retreats a year trying to find enlightenment?

When is enough, enough?

Why is it NEVER enough? (And like I said, this is not about only food and eating).

Well….heck…..

…..if I may be so bold to say: fear.

I think something, I am frightened, I believe it is true, I react.

There is no other possibility when I think what I believe is the truth.

But what if there was another way?

Another option?

“There is nothing more important to true growth than realizing that you are not the voice of the mind–you are the one who hears it.” ~ Michael Singer

Answer this question. Use your imagination for good (not to terrify yourself).

Who would you be without believing your fearful thoughts?

Who would you be if you captured what you were thinking before you overate, or bought something you don’t even really care about, or broke up with your partner, or got together with your old boyfriend, or drank wine, or smoked a cigarette, or started worrying?

Who would you be without your thoughts about life, other people, success, God, you, money, other people….or other people?

(Notice how I have other people in there a few times? I did that on purpose).

Get yourself in a place where you can take the time to question what you think.

It helps to get facilitated. It helps to have a mentor, or a guide, or a teacher.

Who would you actually be, what would you DO, how would you behave, if you knew you could somehow be with fear without DOING something about it (like eat) or believing it to be 100% true?

Question your thinking, change your life.

That’s not a small thing.

It’s huge.

If you notice you have difficult thoughts about food (and you don’t have to have an eating disorder, or be overweight, or obsess about diets all the time) then come to Eating Peace.

Mental health counselors earn 32 CEUs. Yes, that isn’t a typo. We stick together and stay engaged for many hours each day for a Friday, Saturday and Sunday.

Even if we *think* it’s a big fat bummer and we need alone time and we have to go eat something ASAP or die.

You get to see if it’s really true.

Join me in this work I love.

Whether Eating Peace or another retreat–they’re all about the mind and feelings.

Question your thinking, and watch how you act and behave in the world simply change.

Without the violence of trying.

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. One person cancelled yesterday, and one person signed up, so there’s ONE spot open in the 3 day weekend for ANYONE starting this Friday in simple Self-Inquiry and The Work of Byron Katie. Dive into what scares, angers or saddens you the most about your life….and find freedom. Reply to this email if you want to join us in Seattle.

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Getting Lost in Disturbed Energy? Ask Someone to join you in The Work.

lostindark
Don’t go to far into the darkness. You don’t have to do The Work alone!

Last spot available for 3 days in The Work in Seattle starting Friday. We meet in a beautiful private home in Magnolia.

Bring your painful thoughts about your life, the places you get stuck….and leave with lightness and freedom.

Who would you really be, using your brilliant imagination, without your stressful beliefs?

The power of the group can be transformative, and really help you “get” The Work.

(Hit reply if you’re interested, and want to register).

Speaking of groups.

There’s nothing like a full set of ears, eyes, and feelings in the form of a group of people to help you get into your honest personal work.

This happens in any modality.

Where multiple people, or even one other person, are gathered….

….there are more minds involved than only yours.

One mind, questioning itself, can be a bit tricky.

The other people present help you keep steady in your work, not run away mentally or emotionally. No one has to give you advice or tell you what to do, they are simply present to you finding your own answers.

At the monthly meetup last weekend, as always, I loved the contributions, feedback, and sharing from other people even if they weren’t on the hot-seat doing The Work on an important situation.

I’m clapping my hands right now thinking about how awesome it will be to do The Work with a much larger number, and for three whole days, as people assemble to dive into inquiry this coming weekend (including Friday). The majority of the group will be people in Year of Inquiry, but it’s open and accessible to anyone else desiring this kind of freedom from stressful thinking.

The feeling is phenomenal, and so supportive.

Whenever I’ve been stuck in my own work, there’s nothing like feedback from someone else.

Why?

Because to get out of your own very seductive story, even when it hurts, is really, really difficult.

It’s like a locomotive going 120 mph down a one-way track!

You start being blind to what’s really true for you. Things get murky, foggy, distorted, hazy.

You’re activated. You’re triggered. You believe you’re in danger, or being criticized, or something’s wrong.

You try to fix it…..QUICK!!

But if you stop and put yourself in a group of people, or even get one other person to be with you as you consider your thinking…..

…..an incredible thing happens.

You stop freaking out.

If someone asks you…..“Wait, now, are you SURE that’s true?” you get to stop a moment, to pause.

In this pause, you may grasp some awareness and clarity, or sanity, just for a second.

“Imagine that while you’re lost in the disturbed energy you actually do one or more of the things that your mind is telling you to do. Imagine what would happen if you actually quit your job, or if you decide, ‘I’ve held this in long enough. I’m going to give him a piece of my mind.’ You have no idea how big a step down that is. It’s one thing if the disturbance is going on inside of you. But the moment you allow it to express itself, the moment you let that energy move your body, you have descended to another level.” ~ Michael Singer

If someone asks you the next question….”How are you reacting with the thought?” you begin to watch yourself.

You get some breathing room.

If you’re stumped when it comes to the fourth question “Who would you be without your thought?” people can possibly help you.

They can remember who they are without the belief, since they aren’t triggered in that moment.

Connect with others doing The Work.

Hand someone the Four Questions and say to them “ask me these questions, please, and just sit here listening to my answers without saying a thing.”

Anyone can do this work and stop believing what their minds are saying.

What a relief.

Go find a partner, invite people over, go to a group, take a class, join a retreat….get with someone else and do your work together.

You’ll be happy you did.

Much Love, Grace

 

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Stab The Computer With A Knife

quit
if something is taking a very long time on the computer….you could quit!

I was trying to do something that I was told was simple.

You just download it, and voila….after a short configuration, you’ve got a great forum for your peeps.

I should have been more alert when I read “short configuration”.

But I’m pretty good at figuring out tech stuff. I rather enjoy it. I’ve built my whole entire website (with some VERY important help a couple of times, mind you) by myself.

I don’t know how to write code and I’m not going to learn. But I do like DIY.

Do It Yourself.

I didn’t want to hire some stranger (again) and not know what they did or how to repeat it or how to upgrade or make edits or add content myself.

What I was trying to do was supposed to be easy.

Create a private forum (finally, it’s about time) for my Year of Inquiry members. So they can post worksheets, comment, ask questions, share insights.

About 16 hours later (seriously, all morning Saturday starting around 5:30 am, Sunday early hours ticking by also, yesterday around 4 hours more).

Reading, watching youtube videos, learning.

OK, I got it.

This is gonna be great!

I installed several plug-ins and bam.

My screen went white.

Someone who I was asking a few questions on facebook said “Um, I don’t see your website anywhere. Did it disappear?”

ARRRRGGGGG!!!!

Call the website hosting company, hang out on hold, they disable all the plug-ins (its OK if you have no idea what I’m talking about) and then my site comes back on line.

Which is good, I guess.

But my thoughts weren’t that fun….

  • this is ridiculous!
  • can’t someone figure this out for me–I will pay!
  • I hate this stuff!
  • I want to be writing, working on a podcast, creating a webinar, answering my emails, updating OTHER things on my website
  • this is taking too long!
Woah. That is one heck of a stressful belief, and a very, very common one:

 

This is taking too long!!!!

You might think this about a project you’re doing, but you also might think this about someone else’s project, or how fast they’re walking, or how fast they’re cleaning up, or why the line you’re waiting in isn’t getting shorter.

What is going on with this queue (if you’re in England)?

Jeezus!

Let’s inquire!

Is it true that the thing you have thought to be taking too long….

….IS taking too long?

Too long for what? For who?

Too long for ME!

It’s true!

This is torture!

Can you absolutely know this is true?

No.

Who would you be without this belief?

Without the belief it’s taking too long, or too short for that matter?

Who would you be without the thought that there’s a length of time something should take, and it’s not going that way (in your opinion)?

As Byron Katie might joke….”Who needs God when we have you?”

Without the belief, I’d stop thinking about all the alternate things I could have, would have or should have been doing for the past three days.

I’d relax.

I’d keep asking, then letting go, then asking, then letting go….and moving on to fun, interesting, other things.

Like writing this Grace Note. And working with clients.

Turning the thought around:

It’s taking just the right amount of time.

How could this be just as true, or truer?

Nothing terrible happened. No one died.

I learned a bunch of things.

I had a nice chat with a support person, and a facebook chat with a lovely woman web developer in New Mexico.

I finally dropped all effort and went out on my bicycle and felt wind in my hair, and my breath pumping in and out, and saw the tall trees with leaves fluttering madly.

I laughed with my daughter when she came in from school, telling her I’ve been sitting in this room all day trying to figure out one thing, to no avail.

I got to stop and work with a client at 9 am and again at 11:30 am even though Mondays I try not to fill with clients. I wasn’t even thinking about wordpress forum plug-ins when facilitating The Work.

Without the thought that anything, ever, has taken too long?

Wow.

I’m aware of advantages for things that take awhile, advantages for things that take a short amount of time, advantages for not getting involved.

If it was shorter, it would be too soon.

If it was longer, it would be too long.

But it isn’t.

It is just the right amount of time.

Even this life that I’m living. It is not over yet. I have lived just the right amount of 54 years so far, and will live just the right amount longer, for a brilliant, perfect, sweet life full of learning, growing, imagining, waiting, awakening, being.

It does take a load off, don’t you think?

What advantages can you find for things taking the time they take?

Even your five year old getting dressed, or your grandma walking down the store aisle, or your teenager taking a shower, or your partner finding a job, or the contractor putting in the new kitchen floor.

“All things–all beings and all activities, no matter how ordinary–are equal expressions of the Infinite. There is no more or less Infinite, no higher or lower Infinite….If you could all at once stop believing your dreaming mind and be completely still right in the midst of your present state, the Infinite would effortlessly present itself.” ~ Adyashanti

Ah.

This quote by Adya just appeared, without much effort or looking.

All in an ordinary act of stopping, doing The Work, writing, thinking, stopping.

What advantages can you find of things taking as long as they take?

Much Love, Grace