Category: The Work of Byron Katie

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I Need Her To Like Me, And Stay

Upcoming in-person events:
  • Sept 19 Seattle Mini Retreat 1:30-5:30 at my cottage (4 CEUs)
  • Sept 20 Meetup 2-4 pm The Work of Byron Katie North Seattle
  • Sept 25-27 Seattle 3-Day Retreat (room for 3 more)
  • October 9-11 Eating Peace Seattle 3-Day Immersion Retreat
  • November 13-15 Eating Peace San Francisco area
Two more spots open in Year of Inquiry, the whole-year alive practice in The Work via phone/skype, recorded sessions, and an online private forum for sharing your work with a small group for a year with new topics each month.
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How would it feel to have no need for approval, love or appreciation....from that person who doesn't seem to be giving it to you?
How would it feel to have no need for approval, love or appreciation….from that person who doesn’t seem to be giving it to you?

Byron Katie says that seeking love, approval and appreciation from anything outside of yourself is one of the most painful experiences of suffering in the human condition.

She has said frequently to audiences that if she had only one prayer, it would be to NOT seek love, approval or appreciation from anyone.

I am sometimes astonished by the tendency of thought to entertain and hold ideas that have to do with this very thing.

  • I don’t think he likes me
  • what did she mean by that look (or that comment)?
  • she criticized me
  • he left me
  • he doesn’t understand me
  • I could get fired any day now
  • I did something wrong, or I could soon

Sometimes, when I look clearly and closely at this place of concern, it’s like there’s been a beacon on the top of my head, a huge search light scanning every relationship I’ve ever encountered.

This search light is scanning to make sure everyone around me is calm, relaxed, happy, secure, and enjoying themselves.

If they aren’t…..uh oh.

There’s a problem.

(Oh, and by the way…..if they are TOO calm, relaxed, happy, secure and full of joy then we might put them on up a pedestal, or we might be jealous of their good fortune or wonder how they got like that).

In any case, there’s a measurement happening, with this kind of thought pattern and awareness of how much love, approval or appreciation is coming in our direction.

Categorizing people into points on a scale for positivity, clarity, enlightenment, capacity to serve, how fun they are, and how well they connect with us.

And inside the gut, a childlike sense of worry.

Does that person like me? Do they approve of what I’m doing, or what I did? Do they appreciate what I’m like, or what I offer? Do they love me? Will they be kind?

Am I safe? Will I be abandoned?

Let’s take a look.

Find one person in your life who you’ve worried sometimes if they care about you, or love you, or approve of you or appreciate you.

Byron Katie found this energy rose with great intensity with her own mother.

Ahhhh…..mother.

If you want to go to a core place for learning about love, visit mom or dad in your inquiry.

Find a situation when you knew this person did not appreciate you, did not love you.

This can be done with anyone. Anyone who you think, in some disturbing situation, they didn’t like something about you.

Today, for some reason, more of a stranger comes to mind.

Someone I don’t know very well.

This woman left a retreat I was teaching.

She was brand new to The Work. I’m not even sure how she found the retreat. At the end of only the first day, she left a note reporting that another participant made her so uncomfortable, she couldn’t take it. She left after sunset, quietly without telling anyone else.

She was gone.

Other people were noticing an intensity with this same interesting person who was a part of this retreat. The woman who left was not alone.

I should have handled the group dynamic differently. I should have done a better job.

I can go to that moment, the one where I found out this woman left.

Come back! No! Don’t ditch out so quick! Wait!

And then, this voice–the one that seeks appreciation–came into form.

Even if I understand her reasons for leaving….she should trust me, let me help her, come to me for assurance.

She doesn’t trust me. She thinks I can’t do the job of creating safety for the group.

Is it true?

Yes. I could have done better. She was too new to self-inquiry. She’ll never come back. This isn’t good.

Can you absolutely know that it’s true that she doesn’t true you?

No. I have no idea what she trusts or doesn’t trust.

I really don’t know.

How do you react when you believe someone doesn’t trust you?

How do you react when you think you should have done something different, so someone would stay with you?

This thought arises in love relationships all the time.

And remember mom? Or dad?

Did they ever show you the very same belief in living color?

Did mom or dad ever think you should trust them, but you didn’t? Did you ever think they should trust you, but they didn’t?

How do I react when I think someone is uncomfortable?

I might assume I’m responsible. Even the tiniest bit.

My mind races on how to make them more comfortable, how to help them calm down.

They should feel love, I should feel love, everyone should feel LOVE.

Whatever “love” is. We should all feel it.

So who would you be without the belief that anyone should trust you, ever?

Who would you be without the thought that someone should stay in your presence, stay at a retreat you’re leading, stay in the relationship you have with them, stay connected–whatever connected looks like or feels like, for you?

Huh.

Wow.

Without the belief that connection has been compromised, no matter what is going on? Even if people leave?

Without the belief that someone isn’t trusting me, and they should?

Without the belief that someone should like me, and they don’t?

Without the belief that I need anyone’s approval, or appreciation, ever?

Holy smokes!!

This is one of the most liberating feelings.

A feeling of going back to something extremely, deeply, impenetrably innocent.

A sense of being a child, or an angel, beyond this tiny human life I apparently inhabit.

Without the thought that it’s important for anyone to love me, I suddenly remember the feeling of expansive……well…..I could call it “love”.

A centered, warm, alive feeling deep in my entire torso.

I feel connected to everything. Connected to this moment, this presence right here.

The floor beneath my feet, the earth, this early morning kitchen, the light beginning to glow outside, the soft white couch, the lamp, the brown pillow, the waking up daughter coming in a putting her head on my shoulder for a moment to read what I’m writing.

Who would you be without the thought you need love?

Who would you be without the thought you need that woman from that retreat to remain present physically in the retreat and not leave?

I would feel laughter, acceptance.

People can come and go and do whatever they do.

They can like, or not like, things I say or write or do or express. They can resonate with what’s happening, or not, and do what they need to do, without my getting involved.

Turning these thoughts around:

  • I don’t trust myself. I don’t think I can do the job of creating safety for the group.
  • I don’t think I like myself
  • what did I make it mean with her look (or comment)?
  • she complimented me, I criticized her, I criticized myself
  • he did not leave me, I left myself, I left him
  • I don’t understand myself, or him, and he doesn’t understand me
  • I could never get fired, I could fire myself or fire this job
  • I did something right

Today with all these opposites, and holding the feeling in my heart and body of not believing the stressful need for love, approval or appreciation…..

…..I connect with whoever shows up around me.

Why would I need anything more, or different, than this? It’s almost absurd to care, without the belief that I need anyone’s appreciation, or love.

I even connect with whoever isn’t showing up right now, and people who have left and are far away, if they come to mind.

I trust the Universe, Reality, God, Source, Life to handle what’s going on around here.

And I don’t even have to trust it to handle anything….it is going the way it goes without me demanding anything, including approval.

“In order to be truly free, you must desire to know the truth more than you want to feel good. Because if feeling good is your goal, then as soon as you feel better you will lose interest in what is true. This does not mean that feeling good or experiencing love and bliss is a bad thing. Given the choice, anyone would choose to feel bliss rather than sorrow. It simply means that if this desire to feel good is stronger than the yearning to see, know, and experience Truth, then this desire will always be distorting the perception of what is Real, while corrupting one’s deepest integrity.” ~ Adyashanti

What I notice in Reality is people coming and going. People feeling whatever they feel towards me, and towards themselves. Me feeling whatever I’m feeling towards others, towards me.

It changes and flows like breath, in and out, like the tide, like day and night.

Love, approval or appreciation is Here, then Not Here.

Contact then no contact.

Leaving and staying.

Remembering and forgetting about the woman who left the retreat leaving a note and slipping away after sunset.

Trusting her to take care of herself perfectly for where she was, where I was, what was required in reality.

Who would you be without your story that appreciation, or approval from someone, or trust, or love is required for you to feel good?

Laughing. Crying. Being. Silent.

Filled with appreciation, approving of this room and this brilliant moment, loving being a little battery buzz of life force doing whatever this thing does called Grace.

Much Love, Grace

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Socrates, Byron Katie, and Rowing Your Boat

Row, row, row your boat with Inquiry.
Row, row, row your boat with Inquiry.

This is the first week of Year of Inquiry.

Words can’t describe how happy I am to be back to doing The Work with a small group of people who desire freedom from believing their stressful thoughts.

If you’re interested, you can plunk down a full fee for the year and call it done–you’re making time for yourself for slowing life down and questioning the mind and the way it thinks everything is true. You can also pay monthly.

All I know is….thank God (whatever you see as this mystery) for The Work and for the simplicity of the way Byron Katie formatted and came up with her process of questioning.

Self-inquiry has really been around for centuries, perhaps thousands of years.

OK, probably since humans and minds and thought have existed.

There have been questions.

Why? How? What is this for? Where are we? What do I do? Where do I go? What does this mean? Who am I? Who are you?

Socrates, the great philosopher who lived almost 2,500 years ago became known for his method of inquiry. He loved stimulating discussions in the form of questions and answers and debate.

He loved circles and seminars and people gathering together to discuss and ponder these great questions about the world, about humanity, about life and whatever is beyond life–he wanted to understand the truth, whatever this might be.

Socrates, in fact, realized along the way that he didn’t really “know” anything.

A friend of his even asked the wise Oracle of Delphi (the priestess who could answer great questions) if there was anyone wiser than Socrates.

The Oracle answered “no”.

Socrates believed the answer was a sort of paradox, because he was discovering that he really knew nothing in the end, absolutely.

He felt he was not wise at all.

And that in this knowing was actually great wisdom.

Isn’t it amazing to think that if you don’t know the answer to something about your life, or about anything, this may be the most wise position you could take?

Even if it’s difficult and agonizing at times?

Socrates began to test out the idea of wisdom by asking all the great people of Athens–including politicians, poets, artists–what they thought of the Oracle’s pronouncement that no one was wiser than he, and what they thought “wisdom” meant and who had the deepest or truest answers.

What became clear was that no one knew what the answer was.

They might think they were wise and knowledgeable, or they might not, but their opinions didn’t really matter.

In the end, no one knew.

Life was a mystery. A great contemplation. Full of pain and full of joy, full of life as well as death.

Since Socrates knew that he didn’t really “know” anything absolutely, he concluded and laughed that the Oracle must be right–because most other people felt they DID know the truth, and therefore they had blind spots and anger and suffering.

Socrates, as you may well know, was put on trial for corrupting the youth of Athens and of not believing in the Gods.

It was in his trial that he uttered the famous quote “I know that I know nothing.”

It is told that at his trial, he was asked what he thought his punishment should be, for being so influential and defying the status quo and not seeing anyone or anything as all-knowing, even himself.

Socrates said his punishment should be free dinners for life and a wage paid by the government.

I guess he had a sense of humor, too.

He was found guilty and put to death.

I love the Socrates story, although some would see it as quite tragic as many legal acts have been throughout human history when people defy the system and appear to be threatening.

But he was not willing to step down for the sake of saving his own life and speaking what the politicians and rulers wanted to hear.

He even may have been interested in death, certainly not afraid of it.

He was certainly willing to see how things unfolded, while continuously saying what was true for him–that he didn’t know what was really true.

Today, my thought is that we have greater capacity to be with the unknown.

Sort of.

What I mean by that is….it’s far more acceptable, and obvious sometimes, that we really don’t know why we are here.

We don’t know what created us precisely, we don’t know when we’re going to die, we don’t have answers for specifically why we were born.

Even if you believe in God or use the word God (which I love, personally) and have a religion, you know it’s a mysterious force.

Our lives are really very mysterious.

This process of questioning is very mysterious.

And yet, we as inquirers are willing to enter the mystery, most of us.

We’re sooooo curious.

We are willing to consider that we may not have answers to our “problems” and we might not even know how we got into this pickle we’re in, if we’re in a pickle (most of us are at some point, right)?

All of us have our dilemmas, and our thoughts about what needs to happen in order for us to be happy.

Or what we’re missing, or what we need to be worried about.

Our minds are so brilliant, they move so quickly, we don’t even catch our thoughts most of the time.

Things happen in our environments, and we decide almost instantly what these things mean.

We react.

Which is where The Work comes in as a brilliant tool.

When my reaction is stressful…..I know what to do.

Question my thinking. Ask if it is true? Ask who I would be without this thought?

And what I have found over time, is that when things happen, and I question them deeply with the four questions known as The Work of Byron Katie, I see what happened before differently.

More openly.

I see what happened with curiosity. I wonder.

I may even have appreciation and fascination, rather than horror.

And then what happens?

Wow, this is the most wonderful thing, and why I continue to inquire into the meaning I put on life and relationships and all things…..

…..because what happens after inquiry is the next time something similar occurs I have a different reaction.

I simply do not react so quickly.

I remember that I don’t know what I think I know. I’m aware that my thoughts are not absolutely true, I don’t have the complete and total “truth” and the full picture.

I react maybe with laughter. I respond with greater peace, and less anxiety.

Without even planning it.

I begin to see things as more mysterious, more full of unknowns, and I’m somehow willing to stay there without certainty, not because I’m trying to stay there, but because I REALLY AM UNCERTAIN!

Today someone shared that on Byron Katie’s facebook page there was this quote:

“The moment you project what’s going to happen, it costs you your life.” 

I can so relate.

I have many thoughts about what might happen. I think about what might happen in an hour, or later this evening. Pictures flash through my head about what might happen next week, or in ten years.

I have thoughts all the time like….

  • I have to get A done and B done before C (and C is critically important)
  • My kid needs D or else E
  • My relationship isn’t working because F
  • If I don’t change G then my life will look like H in the future
  • I need more J
  • I need less Q
  • This isn’t good
  • This is fantastic (yes I included this one because believing it can be very stressful and make you grabby, right?)
  • I know what is good, what is bad, what is right, what is wrong and I must implement it

What if instead of believing any of it is true (if you pause and ask if what you’re thinking is true, and walk through the four questions, you may find you can’t believe it) you are open to Not Knowing?

What if you trusted, somehow, that your answers may not be the complete package?

What if instead of your ideas, and being the one responsible (it’s quite a burden) you let go of having to figure it out and you let the world surprise you?

Because that’s what I find, almost every time I question my stressful thinking.

Life starts having a sweet flow, like I’m on a rowboat without oars and I’m floating down a gorgeous stream.

OK. I admit, sometimes the stream becomes a wild chaotic waterfall and it feels like it’s an emergency. Not so gorgeous, OK.

However, if I then question the emergency of going over waterfalls, and dying, and I find that even Death is not necessarily what I think is true about it….

….even these hard times I notice become soft again.

Even “death” is just a thought.

Without answers, without really knowing what it is until I get there.

All of this doesn’t mean I don’t take action, and move to another room when it’s really loud in this one, or run away if someone’s coming at me with a knife.

Maybe that’s the way of it. Running occurs.

But it does seem like less frantic running ever happens, now that I do The Work.

I am surrounded by amazing people who love to contemplate their thinking, and see what happens, and report in to each other the way things change and move.

Astonishing and inspiring events occur, in the mystery of all this, when gathered in a group of inquiring people (and when gathered in a group of non-inquiry people, for that matter).

That’s why I’m so happy to begin with everyone tonight, and many days every month, with schedule inquiry time.

I get to hear what happens in their lives, what they are learning, how things shift.

Sometimes the shifts are big, sometimes very small and subtle.

People don’t even always catch how things are changing in their lives with inquiry.

But you can see it by staying steadily in inquiry over time, especially if you’re with other people also doing inquiry.

You can see the magnificent, quiet, beautiful silence of Not Knowing that begins to enter someone’s life and allow them to relax.

Some close friends of mine call me an Energizer Bunny.

At “worst” (we could question worse/better/bad/good of course), I am a huge over-achiever, driven, compulsive, fast, kind of crazed about the process of “doing” and thinking and understanding once and for all.

Heh heh.

But at best I am in deep service to Silence and coming over and over to the conclusion that my thoughts do not have the answers and that I am clearly not calling the shots or in control.

It’s hilarious really.

This wonderful wild balance of being alive and participating in the middle of an incredible Life Force of Reality.

Undefinable.

Being comfortable with Not Knowing is the greatest experience I could ever practice.

I get to practice every single day.

And what I see is that The Work becomes a way of life.

It becomes steadily alive in the background of everything to wonder if what I’m seeing is real, or true, and to open up to new possibilities and new thoughts.

Wow.

This is the exciting place, where fresh new insights happen. Where very thrilling creative ideas come along, never before encountered.

Doing The Work with a group over a long period of time (like a whole Year, for example) allows me personally to see the change, the shift, the wonder of humanity and the way waking up happens.

It happens in a pace that’s just right for you, for me.

Sometimes it feels troubling, for sure. Sometimes it feels as expansive as if you just found out you can fly, and you didn’t know it until today.

I love remembering what Byron Katie suggests today in her awesome quote (that I’m grateful someone pointed out to me on facebook a few hours ago) that it costs me my life when I project what will happen into my day, or week, or year.

Instead, I can be with the opposite of all my thinking, and then…..

…..beyond the opposite and into Not Knowing.

Then, this is what becomes possible and true:

  • I do not have to get anything done and nothing is critically important
  • My kid does not need me, and his/her path is OK for him/her
  • My relationship is working just right, and it will change when it’s required
  • If I change, or don’t change, my life will look incredible in the future
  • I do not need more of anything
  • I need less thinking/believing my thinking
  • This is good
  • This is fantastic and it’s fine if it goes away–in fact, it will change
  • I do not know what is good, what is bad, what is right, what is wrong and I am not implementing anything alone

Doesn’t that feel a little lighter?

Isn’t all this just as possible as the stressful thinking?

Flip flop into duality and two sides and opposites of everything, that’s what mind and thought can do.

Really, it’s pretty genius.

Who made all this up?

Oh. Right.

Just like Socrates discovered thousands of years ago, and many wise people afterwards, and Byron Katie in the 1980s…..

…..I don’t know.

Is this good news for you, or bad news?

“Row, row, row your boat, gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily, life is but a dream.” ~ English nursery rhyme

Doing The Work is the rowing. It helps Not Knowing become very, very good news.

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry starts today at 5 pm Pacific with the very first phone call. We’ve also got one tomorrow, then Thursday, then Friday. It’s the beginning of a wonderful year of tapping into the power of a group, and structured time for your inquiring life. Won’t you join me gently rowing down the stream?

 

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Heaven Comes Into View After I Did The Work

Heaven comes out of the pages of your work and into your world
Do The Work in your journal, notice heaven within, notice heaven all around…..home again.

I have to admit it.

I haven’t done The Work in writing in almost 3 weeks, until today.

And let me tell you, questioning stressful thought on paper is stunning.

I’ll tell you about it in a minute, but first…..

…..I can’t wait to start questioning thoughts that create suffering again with Year of Inquiry folks next week.

Everyone enrolled will receive an email from me with all the dial-in information on Monday.

You’ll have four time choices to come on board and do The Work–and yes, this will be your opportunity almost every single week for the entire year. (The last week of every month we generally don’t meet, so we can breathe, connect with our facilitation partners if we have them, digest, and….notice what it’s like WITHOUT inquiry).

The best way to stay in touch with the experience of inquiring into my sadness, irritation, anger, resentment or fear about anything in life is to have some scheduled regular consistent time to do it.

In Year of Inquiry, that’s what we’ve got together: Tuesdays 5 pm Pacific, Weds noon PT, Thursday 9 am PT, Fridays 10 am PT.

Come to one, or come to all.

Me? I’ll be at all of the inquiry sessions every single week, since I’m the organizer…..

…..and since, for some odd reason, life has unfolded so that this person called Grace Bell gets to do The Work a lot, and not quit.

I never planned this.

But because I have this role in life, doing The Work and being so deeply interested over and over again in questioning thought….

….there’s a freedom about being here as a human being that is brilliant and wild and truly astonishing that I always, always had but couldn’t see before (even though it was always there).

I created Year of Inquiry because I can hardly believe how helpful, how life-changing, doing The Work became for me over ten years ago, when I dipped my toe in the water.

And lately, like I said, I have NOT been doing The Work with pen and paper for nearly 3 weeks.

Yes, not one time of sitting down, writing out my thoughts, and considering what’s happening in my mind that’s affecting my actions, behavior, mood, connection with my environment  or connection with silence in the rich, slow way offered by The Work.

There’s Good News and there’s Bad News about the way life’s gone without doing The Work daily, as I usually do when I’m living in the same place every day.

(I’ve been traveling for 3 weeks and my computer crashed, and my cell phone has spotty wi-fi reception and I didn’t bring a notebook or journal and I’ve been very busy seeing important things….and who knows what other excuses I can list all very legitimate).

I’ll start with the Bad News.

Because that’s where The Work starts.

We’re not trying to be positive or happy-happy or stiff-upper-lip or getting a new technique that will be The One that works for all time to allow us to be wonderful amazing productive successful people, like we always dreamed to be.

No.

The Work starts with the juicy, sometimes ugly, chaotic and wild beliefs passed on from generation to generation through being a human being and having a mind and the capacity to think, and feel.

The Work starts with feeling.

Feeling bad. Feeling upset.

And then, instead of trying to smash down, or get away, or escape, or go to war with the reality of this discomfort–sometimes heart-breaking agony–we wait.

We slow it way down.

We get to investigate what’s being “thought” and concluded and assumed. We get to identify the ideas and pictures and the feelings we carry within from experiences or interactions that feel threatening or difficult.

The way I always was before The Work is I noticed life and people and difficulties, and I thought what I was thinking was True.

Something terrible just happened. This is bad. It could happen again.

It hurts.

Quick, do anything and everything to make it not hurt. Make it go away. Please, make it go away.

Before I had The Work and knew what to do with stressful thinking, I was on a quest to feel better and end my suffering and I wanted angels, guides, wise mentors, a zap of lightening to the head, awakening, transformation, God, magic.

Anything to end the pain.

With The Work I see myself as having a spark of every single one of these qualities. It’s like I am my own guide, and I take me with myself everywhere I go.

Even if I am thousands of miles from my “home” (my home is really everywhere and nowhere) and I don’t know the people around me (not actually required or true, everyone is so beautiful and fascinating, and human).

These qualities of angelic guidance, wisdom, lightening zaps, awakening, transformation, God and magic are within me and available to me any time by becoming silent, slowing down, questioning what I’m thinking, asking if what I’m believing is really true.

They are available to me by doing The Work.

You have these qualities, too.

I cannot tell you today how happy I am to be able to borrow another computer (since mine crashed on Day #2 of this long journey) and sit down and do The Work.

I had thoughts zooming through. Stressful ones.

(You probably notice how fast the mind is….faster than the speed of light!)

My mind was giving me some Bad News.

Thoughts like “my son is going to get lost walking through the night-time dark streets of London to meet up later” or “my daughter is going to fall and hurt herself” or “when I get home, I need to get a regular job because this volatile income I can’t take anymore” or “the people staying in our house hate us because the dishwasher broke” or “they owe us because they broke the dishwasher!” or “the world is so full of human beings, what are we all doing here?” or “the weather is crap” or “traveling is overrated” or “I wanna go home.”

Now, because I have gotten to sit down and get quiet and spend time with my thoughts, I’m remembering the joy inquiring brings.

I’m remembering at a deep level the peace beyond all beliefs.

Being human means, apparently, I carry along a mind full of thoughts about everything I notice around me.

Which brings me to the Good News.

Remember I said there was some Good News?

The Good News about NOT doing The Work daily while traveling?

The good news is that in this moment AFTER doing The Work and questioning my very stressful beliefs, I have the most intense, deep, moving appreciation for investigating my thinking, and for this brilliant, powerful mind that goes along with me everywhere.

Here’s what I have found in my turnarounds today as I’ve taken time out to sit quietly:

“My son is going to be found walking through the dark nighttime streets of London to meet us later” and “my daughter is going to fall and then heal” and “when I get home, I already have an irregular job (facilitating The Work) and I CAN take it” and “the people staying in our house do NOT hate us because the dishwasher broke” or “no one owes me anything, hooray” and “the world is so full of human beings, it’s amazing we’re all here” and “the weather is gorgeous” and “traveling is just traveling” and “I am home, always.”

I notice how when I do The Work and I feel what it’s like without my stressful thoughts, and I find turnarounds, my thoughts all blend together and connect and expand.

I sink into a smile.

I am so, so grateful for The Work after noticing a pile-up of thinking without entering it more deeply.

It is no small thing to come across this simple way to question suffering.

Suffering appears to happen. Life bumps us up against hardship, physical pain, destruction, fear, confusion, and death.

There is no getting away from any of it.

But with The Work, I remember over and over again (just like I have today) that it doesn’t matter if I believe I can handle the suffering or not…..

…..I notice the truth is, I do.

If you’re here, you’ve handled it too.

Even if you think “that was too much, I’m too screwed up, it’s too painful, I can’t take it anymore” you can and you are.

You are amazing, really.

We all are.

The mind is busy, running on, doing it’s job of protecting and trying to understand and control the environment…..

…..and life unfolds as it does.

I notice my thoughts sometimes go to visions of bad events, or terrible things happening. My feelings sometimes move to sadness or terror.

But something brilliant and wild, beyond all thought, is at work.

Doing The Work, I realize for the thousandth time today, allows this mind to slow down, to rest, to Not Know what’s true.

It allows me to feel the Silence Present here where I sit (which happens to be rocking gently on a barge on the River Thames in London, England).

I remember, with The Work, that I have no idea what’s going to happen today. I can make a few educated guesses, but really, I have no idea.

With The Work, this is great news instead of alarming news.

The difference is so incredible, it’s hard to put into words.

All I know is, last night I was thinking “traveling is hard, expensive, pointless, tiring, scary.”

And now I’m open to the turnarounds “traveling is easy, priceless, expansive, restful, loving.”

It was my thinking that was hard, expensive, pointless, tiring and scary.

I even remember that traveling is wonderful, and not traveling is also wonderful.

It doesn’t really matter.

The most exciting traveling happens internally with The Work. It’s an exploration of the whole world of suffering and peace.

I hope you’ll join me for steady inquiry throughout a whole year, to learn, grow, rest, access silence and Not Knowing, refine your life journey no matter what age, circumstance or situation(s) you’re in.

I can’t wait to get started, and get back to regular inquiry again with others.

My appreciation after this gap in practicing The Work is bigger than ever.

If you know you’d also love the structure of group support and scheduled inquiry time, check out the Year of Inquiry (link below) and get ready for the greatest adventure ever (you won’t need to physically go anywhere, unless you come to our retreats in Seattle).

With The Work, I discover peace to be possible in every kind of place, in every situation. You don’t need to travel in the way I’ve been traveling, or do anything special, or find the golden key.

You question your stressful thinking, you Un-Believe the way you see your life, other people, and your world.

Your inner life becomes the Greatest Adventure on Earth.

Wow.

“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Will you join me back at home, your home you carry everywhere but may sometimes miss due to stressful thoughts?

It may sound a little crazy, but all you need is a pen, paper, and to answer four questions.

What you discover can become your new world. Heaven right here on earth.

Much Love,

Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry starts on September 8th and you can attend once a week, twice a week, three times a week or four times a week. You can listen to the recordings. You can skip whole weeks altogether. I’ll work with you up to four times individually during the year, you decide when you need your individual sessions.

You do YOI your way. I create the scaffolding, you clean up your thinking at your own pace, what’s right for you.
P.P.S. You are awesome.

 

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Surrounded By Forces Beyond Your Control? Um, Yeah.

love from grace in the skies
love from grace in the skies

Even though I’m venturing away from home, I love being connected by email and internet.

If you wanted to see the really fantastic early-bird way to sign up for making monthly payments for Year of Inquiry then you have until Friday to for this special.

Don’t hesitate to ask me questions–I’ll shoot you a quick reply from the road. Or I guess from the sky, since that’s where I am right now.

What an amazing bunch of folks enrolling in YOI. I can’t wait to be with you in inquiry this year.

Here’s the webpage with all Year of Inquiry (YOI) information. Scroll all the way down to the bottom of the page to see the options for the early-bird payment plans. Whatever you’re choosing, fill your amount in manually. I’ll get back to you all soon with the entire scoop and details for YOI….How the calls work, how to dial-in, what to expect.

**********

Yesterday was pretty funny.

The plans are to be packed and ready to leave at 6 am (earlier this very morning).

It was mid-afternoon.

I go into the bathroom and notice water in the tub.

No one’s been in there for a few hours. Why is there water in the tub?

I clean out the drain catcher thingie and go to answer the phone and get distracted.

The laundry is running, the washing machine going strong into its third load since early in the morning.

Back in the bathroom at some point, maybe 30 minutes later, my husband notices water in the tub, only it’s kind of blue colored, and 3 inches.

Like the color of a load of jeans being washed in the washing machine by my daughter.

Yes. The washing machine, bathroom sink and tub are all backed up with some kind of  hair ball most likely….but in any case, a plugged drain.

After three calls to local plumbers (no one can come the same day) we call Roto Rooter which rings in my ear from childhood. They come the same day, right?

Yes. For $400.

Which we pay. The man is very nice. By 5:00 pm he’s gone, and the bathroom is a super mess.

I go to the car wash (someone is using my car while we’re gone) with my daughter and vacuum out my vehicle. Then daughter needs feminine supplies at the store. Then son needs an ace bandage for his sore ankle. Then we need extra copy of key into house since guests are staying here. Then emails need to be answered.

Then the woman who’s going to come clean the cottage between guests calls and says “I don’t know how to get in.”

Right. Getting said key to her.

Later, 1:00 am, it’s lights out until the alarm goes off at 5:00 am.

When times are fast, moving, flowing quickly, I sometimes notice tiny flare-ups within, like little miniature blow torches saying “no, don’t ask me that one more time” or “clean up your dish, I just got the counter cleared off” or “no I do not know the seat assignments for the return trip” or “maybe not taking all three (of those 2-inch thick hard cover books that make a trilogy you must read while we’re away)”.

It’s a funny kind of snappy attention, not light and fluffy attention.

I’ve still got it now.

The guy sitting next to me on this flight has elbows jutting into MY SIDE OF THE SEAT!

Can’t you lean towards the aisle just a little? Or how about not hogging the entire arm rest?!

Writing this makes me laugh.

This kind of moment actually comes from a feeling of being interrupted, imposed on.

But that feeling I notice usually comes out of a slight (or big) feeling of nervousness, heightened attention, beliefs like the following (that actually lurk below the surface of all the busy-ness of getting ready for something):

  • something could go wrong
  • we could miss the airplane, we could miss something important, we could miss a good time ahead….we could miss

Both involve either the future, or the past.

Not the present.

The mind will worry…..OMG if I only attend to the present, NOTHING WILL HAPPEN.

This would be terrible. I must be alert, I must be attentive, success is up to me!!

Something could go wrong, and I am the one to prevent that from happening.

This can be bizarrely, obsessively stressful.

Let’s inquire!

Is it true?

Hmmm.

I suppose something could go “wrong” but only if you believe that it’s “wrong” to miss a plane, be late, lose an important item, have no money, get too tired, have an accident, die, get sick, become confused, lose your way, be in a bad mood, feel fear, etc.

Can I prevent anything from happening that’s going to happen?

No.

Whatever is going to happen, is going to happen.

It basically does not directly come from me, because of me, at me, to me.

There are far greater forces and interconnections and interplays and mysterious dances happening here than I could ever know.

THIS part I know….that I don’t really know.

So, no.

It is not absolutely 100% true that something terrible could happen, or that I could prevent it.

Like, waaaaaay not absolutely true.

Who would I be without the belief that something troubling could happen?

Suddenly laughing about All This.

Entertained. Watching the little body and little mind do its little part, but aware of a huge wild adventure going on.
And aware, in this moment as I truly enter who I would be without a stressful thought right now, neighbor leans to the other side, takes arm off armrest jutting into my side of the seat space, and everything relaxes all around me in every direction.
“Life is simple. Everything happens for you, not to you. Everything happens at exactly the right moment, neither too soon nor too late. You don’t have to like it… it’s just easier if you do.” ~ Byron Katie
 
Do I like this moment?
What can I find to like about it?
What can you find to like about your moment, where you are right now?
Cream-colored pull-down airplane tray table, sun beaming through window, two large men on either side of me about the same size, with big beautiful hands (one set dark chocolate brown, one set light brown, beautiful colors) and wide thumbs, two men looking at tablets and playing games, a low friendly hum of engine motor, people asking if I want something to drink, flying through the air in a little metal tube that will actually beam a message out from this machine called a computer, to you.
This message, then, truly comes from far in the sky.
And I have nothing to do with it except I appear to be a part of the process, the flow, the energy, the unfolding.
What a gift.
“The truth is that most of life will unfold in accordance with forces far outside your control, regardless of what your mind says about it.” ~ Michael Singer in The Untethered Soul.
Much love,
Grace
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Would You Rather Worry or Be Free?

Would you rather worry or be free?
Would you rather worry or be free?

Yesterday was prep day for leaving on a very long journey. I’ll be traveling with my two young adult children ages 21 and 18 and my husband.

It will take many hours to reach our destination. We’ll be a long way from home.

I decided to start some of the heavy preparation two days ahead of time.

I made sure my schedule remained clear starting three weeks ago. No clients, no meetings, no classes.

A Monday of cleaning, moving clothes out of my drawers so the people staying here can make themselves comfortable, tidying up.

I ask my kids to work with me on household preparations from noon until 6 pm when their dad will pick them up for an evening out, before they leave town for almost three weeks of not seeing him at all.

Everyone’s doing their thing.

Husband is out making copies of the house key for our visitors. I’m at Rite Aid buying melatonin, dishwashing soap for the cupboard at home, travel shampoo.

My daughter is totally inspired and cleaning all the food cupboards in the kitchen, throwing away old items, washing the surfaces, organizing the canned goods (it was kind of stunning….this kind of thing has been happening for awhile from her).

I’m running a load of dishes, and vacuuming out my car.

Then I decide to locate the passports and put them on my dresser.

My son’s isn’t in the usual place, with mine and my daughters.

“Hey Benj?! You got your passport handy?”

He calls from his bedroom.

“What, mom?”

“Passport!”

Pause.

Pause.

“Oh. It’s in my safe. Up at school. In my new apartment.”

Aw jeez.

It’s not a huge emergency or anything. It takes about an hour and a half to drive there. But it’s critical, you know? He can’t leave the country without his passport.

In the old days, before The Work, I might have snapped at him. “Why didn’t you think of this before?! Huh?!”

Instead, I notice the flare of realizing, and then the wave calms down.

But I say “You need to drive up there today. Not tomorrow. It’s too important.”

I send his dad a text.

The way it all comes together is my son, his dad, and my daughter are all driving north to where my son will be attending his senior year in college starting next month. This is their new plan for the evening.

My plans aren’t different at all.

House is empty, I’m writing, I’m eating leftovers out of the fridge, I’m sitting on the front porch couch enjoying the gorgeous summer evening.

But I have a thought…..my son is going to space out of everything, he’d lose his own head if it wasn’t connected to his body, he’s soooo chill he’s going to fall asleep while standing, I need to talk with him about how often he smokes pot (doesn’t that make people slow?) and how funny he’s the one I have to worry about rather than my daughter.

Click.

That thought.

“He’s the one I have to worry about.”

It’s stressful!

I have to worry about him, is that true?

No.

Last night, the whole change of plans just fell into place without any uproar. My son, my daughter, their dad…all hopped in a car and ventured off to their evening project: get the passport and eat rare road-trip food along the way.

Who would I be without the belief I have to worry about my son?

Noticing I don’t.

He’s having his own life, and there are minutes, hours, days, and weeks where he handles it. Beautifully.

He’s the most kind, genuine person. He’s loving, easy-going, articulate, and authentically gentle and very smart.

But what if this was not his experience, and he was hurting. Or on the street. Or disappeared like someone’s son I did The Work with (presumably using meth).

Who would you be without the belief you have to worry about someone you love?

Look around.

Wow.

This doesn’t mean don’t speak with that person you care about so much.

Tell the truth, be honest.

“Tell me what it’s like for you when it comes to thinking about getting a job, or finishing school this next year, or what you like about smoking pot.”

It’s not about fading into the background or staying quiet about what you really care about.

Which is my kid.

I turn the thought around: I’m the one I have to worry about, especially when it comes to my son.

Yes.

You know what the origin of the word “worry” is, or where it comes from?

It is from “wyrgan” which means strangle.

Which so reminds me of Not Speaking.

If you have a son or daughter or person in your life who you are strangling yourself from speaking to, or speaking about, or you’re feeling mute, and strangled from saying what you really need and want to say…..

…..then speak.

I’ll let you know how it goes when I do.

I’m spending 3 weeks with him, every day, and we are talking.

No doubt about it.

“Would you rather be right, or free?” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

 

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Inquiry Helps A Decision Make You

People have written, called, emailed…..and one lovely woman in a rain-covered jacket knocked on my door yesterday, in person, to hand me her registration for Year of Inquiry.

I love this.

How sweet to connect with others this way.

I was reflecting last night on the words “deadline” and “early-bird”.

So boring really. Frequently used when people are offering things for purchase or registration or sale or trade for some kind of financial number.

I suddenly remembered the etymology (the origin) of the word deadline. I looked it up a couple of years ago.

What a drastic word, right?

It was invented during the Civil War in the United States, around 1864, when guards were instructed to shoot and kill anything that moved over a do-not-cross line. Prisoners trying to escape.

Hmmmm.

This is not the intention, energy, feeling or sentiment within me when it comes to saying today is the day to make a decision (in this case about Year of Inquiry, although you might have another kind of decision in your life that you call “deadline”).

Will it mean the death of your opportunity, if you don’t decide on yes or no right now?

Unlikely.

I used to feel dreadful about decisions. Agonizing about them. Making lists of pros and cons. Thinking about the risk, the loss, the gain, the advantage, the future.

But sometime after I found The Work and self-inquiry, I heard Byron Katie talking about the concept “I need to make a decision.”

And how it wasn’t true.

Then I heard Adyashanti (another favorite teacher I’ve spent time with) and HE questioned the concept “I need to make a decision.”

And how it wasn’t true.

I wrote down this concept so it was right in front of me in words.

Because I thought at the time, almost ten years ago, that I needed to make a decision about the request from my then-husband about whether or not to get divorced.

Then I did The Work, rather than “try” to make a decision.

Who would I be without the belief “I have to make this decision” or “I need to” or “I must”?

So much lighter. So much more natural.

Noticing I felt worried, but I just plain did not know yet.

Turning this concept around to try it on the opposite way…..“I do NOT need to make a decision”.

I kept noticing how this was also true, more true.

Despite those advisors who suggest “not making a decision IS a decision” (say this in a slightly parrot-like voice for effect).

Whatever.

I notice, if it’s right for me (even if it feels scary or sad or mixed) then at the fork in the road, I turn right. It it’s left for me, I turn left.

If I really don’t know, I sit down at the fork in the road and stay awhile, until something moves me.

I find without the thought that a decision needs to be made, in my own business work when organizing and creating Year of Inquiry, a much more spacious, moving, open……even feminine way of gathering a group to join together appears.

It’s powerful, and mysterious and unknown as well.

Powerful does not mean lazer-focused and sharp like a sword.

Or deadly like a deadline.

I have done The Work on business practices and what you are “supposed” to do when you provide a service for others, and what practices should look like (based on recommendations by business experts) when you’re running a business.

They are just not always true.

Who would you be today without the belief that you need to know right now what to do, in any situation presenting itself in your life as an invitation?

If you don’t know, you can wait. Mull. Reach out. Have a conversation. Mull again. Analyze. Jump!

My favorite turnaround of all when it comes to stressful beliefs about decisions is this one: A decision needs to make me.

I notice the direction my joy travels. I watch the way my pleasure moves. I open up to what is happening right here, now.

I trust that what is best for me, the highest good, is unfolding perfectly, in the right timing for me, for you, for the world.

“You are the wisdom you’re seeking, and inquiry is a way to make that wisdom available whenever you want…..You can’t have an up without a down. You can’t have a left without a right. This is duality. If you have a problem, you must already have a solution. The question is, Do you really want the solution, or do you want to perpetuate the problem? The solution is always there. The Work can help you find it.” ~ Byron Katie in 1000 Names For Joy

If you want to investigate a problem, a decision, your solution, your life, your mind….I am here as a facilitator for your work, which becomes our work and my work.

And if you’re signing up for Year of Inquiry, or another 8 week class (scheduling soon) or the new business building class I will be starting this year (also to be determined when)…..

….your work becomes the group’s work, and others also support you in your enlightenment.

You can sign up for Year of Inquiry here, and remember if you need more time to gather your thoughts and discover your own decision, that is the way of it, the way it is.

Nothing will die.
Until it does.
Year-Of-Inquiry
starting in September

Retreat: September 25-27, 2015, here in Seattle (we start 9:30 am Friday and end 5 pm on Sunday).

If you’re doing telesessions only, the first week begins Tuesday, September 8th.
undefined Click here for Year of Inquiry full program with retreats in Seattle
undefined Click here for Year of Inquiry TeleSessions Only
If you need a payment plan for the year, now’s the time to ask. I will make it work for you if this is the work you want to do.
Much love,
Grace
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The Easiest Way To Not Believe Everything You Think (and signing up for YOI)

the open sky of life with inquiry
the open sky of life with inquiry

I’m so excited to see who is enrolling in Year of Inquiry.

I feel like I’m meeting the remarkable group who will be joining me for an intimate year in looking into reality.

We’re interested in seeing what is really true, and what isn’t, and practicing using imagination and awareness of what is present to see more clearly.

Recently in a group I was facilitating something happened which happens ALL THE TIME.

An inquirer read her worksheet in our telesession and we began to do The Work.

I asked her the four questions, starting with “Is it true?” (I love that question).

Everyone who could relate closely to this very same stressful thinking shared their own experience, and when we got to the turnarounds, the woman who started the inquiry on her stressful situation was stumped.

“I have no idea how I could turn this thought around, I can’t find an example.”

I asked everyone on the call if they could find anything, an example that might fit.

Someone found an example from a friend’s life.

Then someone else found another example from their own life.

Someone else then said they had an example that she could find that might work for the inquirer’s life, based on what the inquirer had shared about her situation.

When we were done investigating and looking at all the turnarounds, the person who had started with her terribly stressful situation, her worksheet, her despair…..

…..shared the thing that happens all the time.

“I would have never found these possibilities, if it had not been for all of you on this call. Thank you soooooo much. I think I’ve made a crack in this belief system. I can see how closed I was to any other option. I really couldn’t have done this on my own, sitting here doing The Work by myself in my living room.”

I can relate.

When I was doing The Work by myself, I wanted to hit the road doing something else ASAP.

Just whiz by and feel lighter.

The last thing I wanted to do was sit with something agonizing, or horrible, or sad.

This morning an inquirer who has been in Year of Inquiry for the entire year (we were all saying goodbye this morning) shared that she was woken up at 7 am by a phone call from work, asking that she respond immediately.

(It involved someone speaking Russian with such a thick accent, she could barely understand the request).

She did all she could for her job, but then said…..

……”Excuse me now, I have an important meeting on the phone.”

Our YOI call.

She shared with us how she’s learned that inquiry is top priority, her most important work.

It trumps everything else.

She shared that even if she wanted to keep working and handle that apparently critical issue, it was more critical that she was here, with us on our phone call.

The most important thing I do in my life is question my stressful thinking.

Only this changes my suffering, in the most efficient, direct way.

Yes, hard things still happen.

Scary, sad, surprising things. Things I sometimes think I can’t handle.

But with inquiry, I understand it is the way of it.

I am a human being having a life, feeling what its like to be a truly free human.

Knowing this in the end…..that all is very well indeed, no matter what I’m thinking.

Because I don’t have to believe everything I think.

It’s all going the way it goes, anyway, no matter what I think, right? I may as well enjoy the ride.

If you’re joining Year of Inquiry, you’re in for a treat (I sure am).

Tomorrow’s the early-bird registration deadline. I know a lot of you are about to say “yes” and I am so honored. I bring my deepest love, creativity and ever-evolving way of working with mind to this new year.

It will be a good one. We’ll do new things, we’ll try new ways.

Below are buttons to sign up for 2015-2016 Year of Inquiry (sorry for those of you who have been trying on my web page). Hopefully this makes it easier! I’m a goofball with the links sometimes!

If you’re new and haven’t yet filled out the Q & A application form, so I can get to know you, please do so right here.

And welcome aboard.

undefined Click here for Year of Inquiry full program with retreats in Seattle

undefined Click here for Year of Inquiry TeleSessions Only

If you need a payment plan for the year, now’s the time to ask. I will make it work for you if at all possible.

Much love,

Grace

 

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Two Things To Do When Something Is Too Expensive

moneyquestionWhy is Year of Inquiry (YOI) so expensive?

Someone wrote and asked me this a few days ago.

Or, well, actually her friendasked this question when they were on a walk.

A month ago, someone wrote “that’s the cheapest one-year group program I’ve ever heard of, do you have money issues?”

Hilarious, right?

Well….I notice a few thoughts appearing on the horizon, ready for inquiry.

After both of these emails within one month, I thought….

….maybe I better talk about money.

Yikes.

Do I have to? (No, no money issues here, nope. No-siree).

I loved getting these two questions, though, because….

a) I’ve had so many stressful beliefs about money and things being expensive in this world, or too much for me….

….and I’ve had so many equally stressful thoughts about how I shouldn’t be charging, or this weird guilt for requesting compensation for a service or expertise throughout my life in both jobs and business….

….and also….

b) I realize, some of you might appreciate knowing the thought and research that’s gone into the fee so it supports the program running and isn’t so low you hardly care about participating if you join and I have to go get another job on the side.

I’m starting with (b) first.

You might think because it’s easier…..but it’s because it’s harder.

I’d prefer to skip this part.

Share my research?

I confess, I often squirm when talking about money. It took me about three years just to feel comfortable charging $50 for one hour-long session. When the going rate for counseling and coaching was at least double that. Or triple.

Seriously. Even though I’ve paid close to $50,000 for my own training and graduate education. Gulp.

So, here’s what I’m aware of when it comes to (b) and why the fee is the way it is, or how the decision got made.

Looking at costs of programs in personal awareness, stress reduction, inner freedom, meditation or mindfulness (the topics of Year of Inquiry)….

When I was in therapy I went to see my therapist once a week. I had parents who took a loan to help me pay for it. I might have died without their help.

The same therapist’s fee is $125 per session today (I’d tell you what my parents paid but I actually can’t remember, it was 20+ years ago). That’s a middle-range fee for a therapist where I live. Lots of them charge more.

After a time of individual sessions, I entered the same therapist’s group therapy program, $370 per month 20+ years ago. Health insurance paid for part of it. I had a job and paid for the rest.

It was as much as my monthly apartment rent.

When I was in a coach training program, I had a personal coach.

The normal fee for a coach–having conversations about life, goals, meaning, focus and success–was $700 per month, for 4 one hour sessions. No insurance paid for it.

In the 1980s I attended the “est” program. I don’t remember the fee.

But I signed up to repeat the program last year, just to see what had changed and because I love deeper inquiry. The program was $575 for 3 days for newcomers (even though it had been almost 30 years, I got it a half price). The Advanced program was $875 for 3 days plus optional follow up meetings for 10 weeks.

Transformational programs that I’ve taken, including Byron Katie’s 9 day school, are over $5000. For nine days.

Many spiritual retreats with teachers I find full of integrity, care, and love are $1000 for five days at the very least. I know some of that goes to accommodations and food, but that’s the price to go on the retreat. You need to pay it all, you can’t sleep in your tent.

A fabulous sounding leadership program I was reading all about only a few weeks ago has three 3-day retreats, that’s it. No telephone sessions in between, no private sessions one-on-one. The fee is $7900 for the year.

An online mindfulness program lasting 10 weeks, with 10 weekly telecalls, and one 6 hour online retreat for all the participants I looked at six months ago was $1600.

Business support related work, which is about money and marketing and services, is in a whole different ball park. One year programs often cost $25K. Online video courses cost $1997.

Woah, right?

For Year Of Inquiry, anyone who signs up for the telecalls only (no retreats) for the entire year pays $1697.

As a part of YOI, you get invited to a lot of additional programs (most of my 8 week classes, as a bonus) for no extra fee.

The Year of Inquiry with retreats costs $2497 for the entire year, and this includes two full 3 day retreats, plus the 3 group telecalls every single week for 3 weeks out of every month.

The fee for both full YOI, or telecall-only YOI, also includes up to four solo sessions with me.

I call them “9-1-1” sessions, meaning, when you’re stuck, or you feel confused, or you have a big thing you’re going through and you need individual attention and time, you’ve got it from me if you want it.

YOI also has a forum where everyone is a member, a google group so it’s super private (not facebook) and when people share, they can receive messages via email.

YOI members get to ask questions of the whole group, reach out for support or find extra partners when they want one-on-one help, and offer their experiences when they find something great (like an awesome insight or a link to a Byron Katie interview).

When I researched many programs, and thought long and hard about monthly support and what I would pay if I were enrolling (and what I have actually paid for others’ advice and support) I came in lower on purpose, so I could really feel comfortable about the worth of the program, the energy of it, how much someone might have to “work” at a job in order to pay the fee each month.

I did this because of my own stressful beliefs about charging for things that don’t have “results” or guaranteed outcomes but are on someone’s own time and own evolving process.

I also thought about my own “work” and attention and care, and what kind of time I spend planning, updating, responding to, being with all the fabulous people who join YOI.

On practical notes about life costs, I thought about regular services many of us have for day-to-day living, and what you feel like you “get” for these services.

Where I live, my internet bill is $154 a month, my garbage pick-up is $75, if I go see a doctor for 20 minutes it’s $150, my self-employed health insurance is $560 per month (I have a few stressful thoughts about this one, we’ll talk about that later).

When I’ve gotten medical body work for injuries I had two years ago, the fee is $160 for one hour (he always went overtime a little). It was really important, my leg and back were hurting so much.

And what have I received from supported inquiry, from doing The Work?

It may be up there, for me personally, in the highest value of anything I’ve ever done.

It’s actually priceless, I almost can’t even come up with any number.

It’s infinitely worth it.

But you’ve got to set an actual earth-world price, a fee that’s manageable for me, for people enrolled, for the costs of the program to be covered.

What it feels like with this fee is quite honestly, the most fair, simple amount I could possibly imagine for both myself and for everyone who joins.

Even though it’s basically all made up.

The fee isn’t for the love, or the joy, or the learning, or the care, and not even for the time all added up in hours.

These things just don’t have a price tag.

I’ve gotten more from inquiry practice than from my master’s degree program that cost about $25,000 in the 1990s. That program was fantastic and I recommend it to people still today. Somewhere along the way, the story of “college degrees” brought degrees to cost more.

What else to consider when it comes to researching?

How about costs to run a program?

Having my business involves paying for teleconference services, paying for tons of technology programs and services, rentals, materials, and of course hundreds of hours of time spent with experts, practice groups, feedback, education, inquiry, meditation, group work, research, courses, and training.

All I know is….

I keep following the silence within….

….and it continues pulsing and flowing and offering whatever comes next….

….whether its a new person to hold in inquiry and love, or a new situation to feel what freedom means for me as a human being, or a new way to be a part of the Peace Movement and to help dissolve suffering for myself and for others.

Which is genuinely happening.

It’s incredible.

Evolution, awakening, joy and mystery is here, at our fingertips.

If you feel it’s beyond your reach, I remember this feeling so I can guide (maybe).

I love being a regular, normal, mediocre 54 year old woman who suffered deeply and once felt like death-warmed-over, and now feels astonished every day by the beauty of everything I see, and every step I take.

This is available to everyone.

Which brings me after all this explanation and consideration, which I may never do again by the way, to talking about (a) above…..

…..My own stressful thoughts about money, charging, receiving, not having enough, being selfish, worrying about expenses for other people or for myself.

These are the most important questions and concerns, really.

And fortunately, I know what to do with them.

The Work.

Being free turns out to mean questioning every story about money I’ve ever told and ever believed down to my bones.

I’ve gotten to question what does “expensive” mean?

I’ve questioned what does cheap mean, poor mean, rich mean?

I got to sit in the chair with Katie facilitating me on money.

What does “money” mean? Why does it hurt to part with it, or ask for it, or receive it, or wish for it when it’s not here?

What does survival, and needing, and craving, and longing, and contributing or giving money really mean for me?

What does receiving, and storing, charging and transferring, asking and accepting money mean?

What if money was just a symbol changing hands, moving?

What if I wasn’t against money?

What if I wasn’t for money?

What if it was perfectly OK for someone to talk with me about not having enough money for YOI (it is) and what they can spend?

OK to say yes, say no, every situation unique and worthy of consideration.

Am I sure I have to be careful?

No.

Byron Katie has a little saying she offers with laughter when talking about LOVE for someone else.

“I do, I don’t, I do, I do, I don’t.”

It’s the same with money.

I love it, I don’t love it, I hate it, I could care less about it, I forget about it, I love it, I don’t.

Ideas about it move and range all over the place.

I notice, I’m still here, I am safe no matter what money is doing or not doing, and money is safe with me, and we’re way more friendly with each other than we used to be.

It’s a beautiful relationship. With no guarantees.

Kind of like Reality.

But who changed…..me? Or money?

That would be…..me.

I’m pretty sure money is still doing exactly what it was created to do from the beginning.

I say yes to giving the world my time, my attention, my participation, my contact. I say yes to receiving enough, to being with myself (which is also you) and accepting, forgiving, resting with all of us (which includes me).

You are guided by the same brilliant force as I am.

You have to find your own answers.

And nothing is ever required. You can do inquiry all by yourself, with no money and no programs. I’m sure of it.

Who would we be without our stories?

“After I found The Work inside myself–after it found me–I began to notice that I always had the perfect amount of money for me right now, even when I had little or none. Happiness is a clear mind. A clear and sane mind knows how to live, how to work, what emails to send, what phone calls to make, and what to do to create what it wants without fear….You might even begin to notice the laws of generosity, the laws of letting money go out fearlessly and come back fearlessly. You don’t ever need more money than you have.”~ Byron Katie

What do you do when you think something’s too expensive?

1) Research, sort, contemplate, add, subtract, easy-does-it.

2) Question your thinking.

Free yourself.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. That was a longer Grace Note than usual. If you’re new, they’ll be smaller again soon, thankfully.

P.P.S. Year of Inquiry has a deadline of August 15th for early-bird registration, and the first retreat is Sept 25-27 in Seattle in a beautiful private home. The retreat is open to anyone (not just people in YOI). Click HERE if you’re interested in the fall retreat.

 

 

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What If You Stop Arguing With War? Could You Be Vast?

Sadness or grief about war is part of reality.

The other day I got the privilege of facilitating a woman doing The Work on a very stressful and traumatic situation.

War.

Even though she hadn’t actually been in the war.

Just hearing about it was horrible.

The grisly details. The destruction. The horror.

She said she felt so against hearing about it, how awful, how despairing.

The first time I encountered this kind of shock was when I read Anne Frank’s story Diary of a Young Girl.

I was only ten.

It was horrifyingly fascinating to learn that an entire culture, somewhere in time, had been against whole groups of people and that these people would have to fear for their lives, hide from the ones who would kill or destroy them.

How strange humanity is.

And yet, even when you are ten years old, you get it somehow. You might want to know more. You understand, there’s a full range of being in this world, from more enlightened to very dog-eat-dog.

What’s going on?

Why do people act violently?

Why would anyone want to destroy whole races of other people, or kill, or hit, or rage, or dominate others?

When I was 15 years old, my parents took our whole family out to dinner at one of my dad’s favorite restaurants, a hole in the wall authentic restaurant in China Town in Seattle.

Most of the patrons were Chinese, and there wasn’t much English spoken unless it was with very thick Chinese accents.

Our whole family went out to dinner, all four girls and both my parents, maybe once a year.

This was a big deal.

“We have an announcement to make” said my mom, with my dad nodding in agreement.

“We’re moving to South Africa, for a whole year.”

My three sisters and I looked at them blankly.

What’s South Africa?

I asked a friend at school the next Monday.

He immediately gasped.

“You’re going to the most horrible place ever. There’s this thing called apartheid. They have laws where white people like you have all the privilege and can go anywhere and do anything they want, and mixed people like me are called ‘coloreds’ and aren’t allowed to do certain things.”

I was so embarrassed.

My high school was 65% black kids, and the minute I heard this news, I didn’t talk about it for one more second.

Why would a whole country do something like that?

Why would my parents take us there?

I was furious.

But we went. (Funny, my opinion didn’t seem to change my parents’ minds).

During my very first week of school in South Africa (all white girls) a group of girls were standing in a circle between classes. Everyone wore navy blue uniforms, with navy blue skirts and navy blue sweaters, and black Mary Jane shoes with white bobby socks. Some girls had on their navy blue school blazers, with the pocket inscribed “VHS” Victoria High School for Girls. I wore the same outfit.

They were fascinated with me, my life, what was American high school like, what was on TV, what did it look like, how did I live?

I could hardly understand the accents and had to ask all the girls leaning in to repeat themselves for almost everything they said.

They crowded close, all listening with baited breath.

Then one girl asked me….

….what are black people like in America?

I crossed my arms across my body and my eyes got narrow.

“It’s nothing like here, that’s for sure.” I could feel my anger and embarrassment rise, thinking of my friend at home speaking about this word I had never heard before called “apartheid” and feeling frightened.

“In America, it’s totally equal amongst races. It’s not like this. My school has more black kids than white.”

There was a pause.

A girl in the crowd piped up with her thick South African accent.

“But….when I went on a summer exchange program last year, to Little Rock, Arkansas, the neighborhood I lived in was all white, the pool I swam in was all white, and all the employees at the pool were all black. And by the way, it was only 15 years ago that the blacks got the vote in the United States, that’s not all that long really.”

My face turned red. I was speechless.

What??!!

I marched home at lunch time (the custom was to take a long lunch mid day) and found both parents there, sitting at our table for the midday meal.

I explained that a girl in my class just told me black people in the United States didn’t get to vote until only 15 years ago. I said that can’t possibly be real.

“IS THAT TRUE???!!!!” I cried.

Yes, my parents said.

That’s true.

I was overcome with grief.

If it wasn’t embarrassing enough for me to be going to live in such a place for a year, criticized by my peers, I now find out that in my righteousness about how much better my country was…..

….it wasn’t.

Although I didn’t have The Work then, this beautiful form of self-inquiry, I could still see that I had believed I was from the “good” country, the “better” place, the one doing things right.

And it wasn’t true.

I was from the same kind of country, I was part of humanity where people shun others, fear others, fight others.

Including me.

Right in that moment of believing I was the genius from America.

I couldn’t help then but to see….

….Everyone is the same.

We are all doing the very best we can.

If we knew any better, we would do it the better way.

Who would you be without the belief that those people fighting wars, doing atrocious things, hitting other people, taking prisoners, enacting violence, killing, hurting others….

….who would you be without the belief that you are outside, different, and Not Them?

You might be like the woman I was facilitating, when we got to this question and could look in depth, without being entirely against this terrible war scene she had heard about.

Crying.

With compassion, grief, and love for all humanity.

For all the imperfect and ridiculous ways people act sometimes (including yourself).

Realizing we are all in this together, all humans, trying to do the best we can.

“As soon as you stop arguing with what is, you are vast. Simply because you are not arguing with what is. Because you have taken the position of reality….So when you take the position of reality, then you’re letting experience do what experience does.” ~ Adyashanti  

Reality appears to let you be the way you are, those other groups of people to be the way they are, this country to have had the history the way it has, that other country to have the history it has had, wars to happen, peace to happen, grief to happen, joy to happen, prejudice to happen, fear to happen, awareness to happen.

Realization to happen.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry starts September 8th, and the first retreat is Sept 25-27. The retreat is open to anyone and there are a few spots available. Click HERE if you’re interested in the fall retreat.

 

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Who Would You Be Without Your Problem?

dooropening
Self-inquiry: opening the door to a peaceful reality

When something “big” is up it often becomes a powerful time for inquiry.

A transition is happening in your life. Oh look. Now this.

There’s something brought to your attention where you’ll need to respond, money is coming or going, health is potentially changing, a relationship changes formats, you lost your job, you started a new job, you sold a house, you’re moving, you broke your arm, you’re getting divorced, you’re getting married.

I’ve worked with people going through every single one of these experiences, and many more, who have considered them all to be very stressful.

But here’s a funny observation. I’ve noticed it in myself, and others report the very same thing.

The order of response sometimes leads to more stress, first, before remembering “I can question this!”

It goes like this:

1) an event, situation, incident happens

2) mind perceives in a flash that something bad is happening now or will happen later (there’s a threat) based on what it’s seen happen in the past

3) feelings enter, almost simultaneously it seems–you’re flooded with adrenaline, choked in sadness, rage rushes up–there are lesser or greater variations of these emotions, from tiny irritation to extreme fury for example

4) you react, in other words your actions are based on getting away from the threat, being upset by the threat, handling the threat, destroying the threat, telling other people about the threat….whether with words, movement, gesture, planning

5) you return to a calmer state, supposedly, back to homeostasis, relaxation, waiting, calm, resting….or you continue your project of seeking this state of rest, which isn’t here (yet)

6) the situation is has passed, but you stay alert, braced, ready-to-jump, on call for when the next “incident” happens

7) go back to #1

What I find is no matter when or where you remember you have the tools of inquiring….

….questioning the truth of your assumptions interrupts this pattern.

At the beginning of my journey of awareness, I sought comfort from books and spiritual wisdom.

These offered a lot of insight.

But I kept acting the very same way. (See cycle #1 through #7).

So I made contact eventually with people and started meeting with a therapist once a week, who then invited me into her group therapy.

It was sooooo helpful, I am forever grateful. Especially for the group process.

It interrupted the pattern completely of how I assumed, managed, thought I needed to handle, and interact with humans. (See #4).

It opened up tons of alternate possibilities for communicating and being with others.

It was really frightening work, in many ways, because I had to try things suggested to me that sounded really dangerous.

(My therapist: “Tell your fellow group therapy member how you’re feeling about him for real”. Gulp.)

Even when I came out of that awesome experience, perfect for my own growth and path, I would still enter into the cycle above.

Nothing wrong with this at all….the therapy assisted greatly with expansion of steps #4 through #6 and opening up more possibilities and alternatives had some affect on #2 and #3.

But #1 would still set a lot of things off.

Something happens.

I freak out. (On the inside, or maybe the outside too). I react. I have big feelings.

I focus on fixing and managing the feelings and adjusting or working with the thing causing the feelings, whether the “problem” was something outside of me, or the “problem” was me.

In any case, there’s a problem. That’s for dang sure.

Enter the practice of Inquiry.

Inquiry challenged that very core, deep assumption that something, someone, somewhere….was indeed a problem.

All those ideas I had about what would make things better, whether that other person changing, or me changing.

Wow, what a lot of work.

Who would you be if you stopped….and right after #1 above as your mind gets fired up into #2….you wonder if it’s true that there’s a problem?

Or, who would you be if it occurred to you, right after #3…..I wonder if my feelings are telling me the truth about what is or is not a problem?

Or, who would you be if you slowed down right after #4 as you’re executing your plans or you’ve just reacted with words, or you ran away…..hmmm, I wonder if I’ve got the full and complete picture here about safety or lack of safety or the problem?

Or, who would you be if you sat still when things got quieter in #5….and you began to answer a few questions about this whole situation overall and your view that it was a problem?

Or, what if as life slowed down and you’re no longer in emergency mode and you sit in #6…..you really let go entirely in the present moment and notice, quite astonishingly, that currently there is no problem?

Woah.

Just saying.

Eventually, you might notice #1 (called life) and then….

….wait for it….

….it’s over.

“I was in a hurry, so I did The Work.” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Some issues appear to be big. Health, relationships, career, spiritual awakening. Maybe it’s a good time for the power of practice and group support, to keep you interrupting the regular pattern of suffering. Year of Inquiry is awesome for this. We start next month.

It’s called The Work because this takes, well, work.