Category: Trouble With Food and Eating

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Disgusting Shameful Despicable Me

The feeling of SHAME in almost every culture is horrendous. When someone feels shame, they believe they have done something worthy of being rejected. They are dishonorable, slimy, dishonest, degraded, banished. And they know it.

When I consider the feeling of shame, feeling humiliation, sorry and unworthy, it feels soooo low. Worthless. Disgusting. Hideous.

This is one of the worst human experiences.

Brene Brown is a speaker and author who has been studying shame in the human experience. Just like the way we begin to understand and question our minds by seeing what we actually are thinking….she also starts with what we mean when we define “shame”.

Long ago, when I was an active bulimic, eating and vomiting and starving and over-exercising and binge-eating again, I not only was in terrible pain about this strange cycle with food, but also I did everything in the world to cover up the fact that I was having this sick relationship with eating.

I pretended to the cashier at the grocery store that I was about to cook for a big dinner party. I smiled happily to my friends and said I already ate because I had just binged and purged a few hours before and couldn’t handle ordering a meal. I turned on the water to the bath tub or shower really loudly while I made myself throw up, so no one would hear. I drove from one fast-food place to the next ordering “normal” amounts at each one.

It was like there were eyes everywhere potentially seeing me and what a disgusting person I was.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.~Brene Brown

It seems that this sense of wanting desperately to avoid rejection, to never fail, to not show unlikable parts, expose our imperfections, or reveal our flaws is all wrapped up in shame.

I know that the MORE I wanted to avoid rejection, the more afraid I was of getting criticized for my flaws, the bigger my shame was. The bigger the need to cover my trail and keep those ugly parts of myself a secret.

Now, I allow myself to think through this process in a slow, meditative, open way. This began with seeing a counselor many, many years ago and discovering how incredible it was to speak my innermost thoughts out loud to another human and not see them turn away in horror.

SHAME is faster than a speeding bullet. When it is triggered there is a feeling in the gut of being punched. It hurts. There is huge resistance to what is and an enormous belief that I am bad, stupid and wrong. Worthy of absolute rejection.

Staying here with what happened…without taking the shame so freakin’ seriously…I get to look at the behavior, the thoughts, the moment of shame, the trigger. I get to ask myself the truth of the situation, and see if it is really true that I am the scum of the earth.

Someone once passed me a note as I shared in a 12 Step meeting. The note said “It is a form of negative grandiosity to hate yourself so much. You are loved and worthy. You are a human being.”

Oh. WOW.

That’s when the adventure begins.

If I am NOT actually a horrid, awful, putrid, bad person….then what could be going on for me when I’m doing those painful things? What am I thinking in those moments? What am I really afraid of?

Byron Katie speaks with great compassion of the people who kill, lie, steal, cheat, and deeply hurt other people in this world. They are simply believing their thoughts. They are not looking with clarity at the whole situation, at their minds.

I love that questioning my thinking means I am moving away from shame, into reality. I am aware that I am allowed to be here. In fact, I belong and am acceptable, because I am here. No other “reason” is necessary.

Everyone else is allowed to be here, too.

“The Work is not about shame or blame. It’s not about proving that you are the one in the wrong or forcing yourself to believe that someone else is in the right. The power of the turnaround lies in the discovery that everything you think you see on the outside is really a projection of your own mind. Everything is a mirror image of your own thinking.”~Byron Katie

Without shame about my history with food and eating….I notice that I began to ask myself what else was going on, what else was I thinking, feeling and believing?

Who would you be without the thought that the way you have been is bad, wrong or evil? Who would you be without the thought that having a flaw MEANS you are unworthy of acceptance or belonging?

Can you not reject yourself, in this situation? That is all that is necessary to change everything.
I know, because it happened to me.

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 Noon – 6 pm.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

 

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That Person Is Too Fat

One of my most painful personal experiences of being judgmental has been around bodies.

Those bodies, the ones that look like THAT (fill in your own image) are beautiful, perfect, exciting, interesting, or attractive.

These other bodies, the ones that look NOT so perfect (fill in your other images) are anywhere from slightly unappealing to repulsive.

Beautiful/Ugly, Attractive/Repulsive, Fat/Thin, Defective/Working, Young/Old.

This area of analysis, judgment, criticism, and studying imperfection often felt compulsive and out-of-control. Even when I was a teenager, I would have not only the thought that something was ugly on a body…but also that I was stupid to be thinking that it was ugly.

I should control my judgmental thoughts about those other peoples’ bodies! And while we’re at it, I should also love my own body! Major Dismal Failure at NOT judging.

So there I was seeing the world and it was jam-packed with images of other bodies. What was ugly was anything too fat or too thin, too round or too sharp or pointy, too bumpy, to heavy, too tall. It was so quick, I could easily tell you what was beautiful and ugly in one-half of a second.

I KNEW UGLY AND I KNEW ATTRACTIVE.

I was learning, or had learned, VERY quickly, very young. As soon as I could hear what adults were saying around me. As soon as I could see what people were drawn to, and how they behaved, and who they rejected or praised. It was in the movies and on TV.

I KNEW already at the age of 8 that when I sat on a table one day, and my thighs spread out in a squished way with my legs hanging over the edge of the desk. I was shocked. “I have fat thighs?! I did not realize this! Terrible! They are ugly!”

“100 percent of your misery is brought on by your dishonest, unconscious thinking. That’s what a lie feels like….if you think you’re too fat, it’s not about your body, it’s about your mind. It’s about imagination running wild…The mind doesn’t have the question IS IT TRUE? to stop it, so that it can reconsider, so that it can bring itself to sanity. Sanity is a word I equate with love, with intelligence and maturity. An immature mind, is a mind that hates itself.” ~Byron Katie

This past week I watched my mind as it looked at bodies. I watched my mind then criticize ME for having these mundane, stupid, shallow, ridiculous thoughts about bodies.

I confess, I had the thought that someone was too fat. That person should lose weight. They should exercise. Something is wrong with how they are taking in food.

And then, more judgments: another person I love I thought of as waaaaaaaay too focused on the body (and it wasn’t me). She should get off this whole get-the-body-perfect thing. What a waste of energy, time, resources, focus! Jeez!

Thank goodness for doing The Work and an absolutely wonderful facilitator walking me through it. Without the facilitator, I might NOT have even stayed with this ridiculous, mean, superficial judgment and brought it out into the open.

Can you call up an image of someone you know who is “fat” and who you think shouldn’t be?

Is it true that they would be better off thinner? Is it true they are actually FAT?

Is it true that they represent everything that fatness means? That they are undisciplined, lazy, that they eat when they are not hungry, that they are unhealthy, scared, angry, pudgy, needy, unhappy, self-centered, or don’t love themselves? Are they really unattractive? Do people reject them, are they lonely? Are they less than spiritual, or unconscious? Really?

Um. I have no idea. In fact, no. It’s actually not true. At all.

I recognize the power of the “ego” or the little me, the one who thinks it knows, the one who is trying so hard, so sure that it is RIGHT, so nervous about rejection or imperfection, so full of striving. This thinking part is so sure bodies matter.

What is really the problem with anyone in this world being fat?

I’ve noticed that the world, the universe, Reality actually contains bodies which are of all different qualities. The variety is enormous, in fact, and actually infinite. Incredible.

I notice that without the thought that anyone’s Body should be different than the way it actually appears to me in this moment, then the creativity and variety is incredible. I am not against anything. No resistance. No need to change anything.

All these bodies everywhere being themselves….

Could it be that any way a body appears here, now, is just right? See how amazing it feels to be with this thought.

Back once again to leaving everything alone.

What was too fat, was my thinking. When I think someone is too fat, or anything about me is too fat, my thoughts are slow, full, repetitive, thick, heavy, extra, big, dark, overflowing, wide, depressing.

Fortunately, my thinking is not ME. Just like my body isn’t ME.

“God, or your essential nature, is not Something. Not Content. Not Form. The best description with words is to say what it is NOT….It can be known in the silent space of stillness which is in everyone…”~ Eckhart Tolle

What if you walked around today, or sat around, or maybe the body you appear to have is lying around…what if you were here and entirely and completely without the thought that what your body looks like or represents IS you?

What if you are much more than that. Or not even that, at all.

Love, Grace

P.S. At Breitenbush, the end of June, we will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

To comment on this article, click here  and scroll down to the comments section.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

Click here  to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays 10 – 11:30 am Oct. 12 – Dec. 13 (no class 10/26 OR 11/2)

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I Need Need Need That

What a fabulous Thursday morning this past week with the Money, Work and Business teleclass group. This particular class, the third session, is the one directly on MONEY.

I have spent hours and hours doing The Work on Money, and it fascinates me as an entity, energy, thing, exchange. Money is wonderful! I love playing with it, having it, spending it, not having it, understanding it. Like life.

There was a time once when I woke up at night quite often, thinking about money with a sick stomach, spinning mind, anxious, nervous, imagining the scenario of losing my house, of packing up my stuff in boxes and driving it to my mother’s house to put in her basement.

Nowhere to live of my own! A failure! A terrible parent! An idiot!

Fear enters in whenever we feel scared, threatened, uncertain. When the images our mind is coming up with are frightening, we get very tense, very stressed…it feels like there is an anvil on our chest and we can’t breathe.

This does not have to be about money. It can be about a person. It can be about your boss, a lover, a child.

Here comes the fear, here comes the obsessive, repetitive thinking.

If all was well, if we really felt it was a friendly universe and we could trust this at a core level, right in the middle of this situation, then we would not wake up at night.

I knew back then already that my own thinking was the actual “thing” that was out of control. My thinking was panicked. The key was identifying what thoughts I was having very specifically that created such fear.

I wrote down what I believed Money would give me, if I had it, if it was mine. You can do this with anything. Substitute your target of desire! Sometimes it’s a person, sometimes it’s a new job, sometimes it’s youth, health.

Ooooh, if I just HAD THAT….then I would be peaceful, happy, content, OK, relaxed.

For some people, the great object of desire is spiritual enlightenment. Once I have that, I’ll be fine.

Are you sure?

“It’s not reality that matters, but what you’re saying to yourself about it.”~Anthony De Mello

I found that I could not be sure that having money would make me happy. In fact, I was quite sure I knew people with lots of money who were not. Could I skip the middleman, as Katie says, and be happy right from here, right now?

If you think you can’t….good. Welcome to exploring the amazing mind. Welcome to seeing where you argue with reality.

So, write down what you believe would make you happy, if you had it. Why would it make you happy? What would you really have, if you had that thing?

If I had money, I would be secure, safe, comfortable, calm, peaceful, generous, entertained, proud. I cannot have these things without the money.

If my father were alive, if my house were bigger, if I drove a better car, if I had a life partner, if my children were successful…THEN I would be excited, ecstatic, spacious, powerful, satisfied, satiated, adventurous. And not before!!

You see that from where you stand, right here in this present moment, you believe it is not good enough, it could be better….later.

Is that absolutely true?

The mind creates these images of how it will be in the future….soon, we hope, when it will be better. Right now, I am reading a book in the evening and then *PING* this imaginary picture enters that suggests eating some food would make things even better.

That little thought can grow into a torrential thunderstorm of longing, hoping, anger, fury, rage, despair. This life right here, right now, is not good enough, not full enough, not big enough, not fun enough, not rich enough.

This moment needs improvement. Something is wrong.

As soon as I stopped believing that I needed more money the minute I had that thought, my mind started to slow down. The images seemed to dissolve away.

The way the fear dissolved? I did the Work, I asked myself if my thinking was real and true. Was the impending disaster that I conjured in a split second of imagining actually going to happen?

Who would I be without the thought that I needed more money in order to be safe, successful, stable, or proud?

And if I turned the thought around to the opposite….in this world of duality….how would that idea fit? I DO NOT NEED MORE MONEY. Can I find ways that this is genuinely, actively true in this moment?

Am I safe, secure, generous, calm, peaceful right now? Could it be that there is enough of anything I thought there was NOT enough of?

Suddenly, or sometimes more slowly, that moment of waking up in the night that felt like a nightmare looked simple, quiet, non-eventful. Yes, I was safe. Yes, I was breathing. Yes, I was secure and stable. Yes, I was up to the challenge of living without lots of stuff (in fact it was incredibly fun).

In fact, there were amazing benefits. I had more free time. No going out for dinners, movies, workshops. I read. I spent whole days alone. I began to love my own company like I never had before.

Trusting in the flow of life….the Universe appeared to be friendly. Wow.

“We’re all looking for love, in our confusion, until we find our way back to the realization that love is what we already are. That’s all. We’re looking for what we already have.”~ Byron Katie

If you don’t get it and this doesn’t make sense….if it just DOES NOT seem like you already have what you’re looking for….write down why you are so unhappy, write down what is missing, and begin to inquire.

This pain you feel may be your gateway to freedom.

Love, Grace

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Cravings Revisited Over and Over and Over

Cravings can come in the form of many kinds of wanting. As many of you know, one of my favorite portals into a relationship with my deepest self was studying my cravings for food and overeating.

Recently, I re-read one of my own posts from last spring about cravings. I’m including it here today a little modified.

Cravings can come in so many forms….not only food, but other things we ingest, and then also in the form of thinking. Like a huge thirst to KNOW and seek, get, hope-to-find.

The pain enters when we have the thought “I crave it uncontrollably” as many Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass participants discovered. They found this to be a very stressful belief. The assumption being, of course, that the craving shouldn’t be there, and that I myself should stop it if it is.

The feeling of craving anything uncontrollably can be extremely painful and desperate. Whether a substance, or a person, or money, or for someone to be with you again who is not longer here.

I’ve thought about craving and all it means many times in my life. Even though I don’t seem to get overwhelming urges or cravings for much in my life I still LOVE to look at the amazing sensation called craving.

Especially when people say it’s UNCONTROLLABLE!!!

Our teleclass group inquire into the concept “I crave it uncontrollably” and I was amazed by the process. As participants answered the simple question “how do you react
when you believe this thought that you crave something uncontrollably?” I noticed once again the way so many of us criticize, condemn, blame, and attack ourselves.

I am the one who craves things uncontrollably, and it’s really terrible. There’s something wrong with me.

Sometimes I still glimpse the feeling of craving, of wanting with a panic, an extremely deep ache. I can imagine something like…“if only my father were still alive” or “if only I had enough money to pay for everyone in my family” or “if only I had more time“….and what these thoughts might be like if they grew. Then it might feel like uncontrollable craving.

Because I found the Work it feels like such a relief to have spent lots of time questioning these things of life that I wish would get satisfied, the things I seem to want.

One of the most amazing experiences is the feeling of being with a craving and studying it, and not acting right away. What color is it? Where does it live? Where did it come from? What is it saying? What am I most afraid of in this moment? What’s the worst that could happen, if I stay here and if I don’t do anything to solve this craving?

OMG, not solve the craving??! But! I will….die!!  

Pema Chodron says “Most of us do not take these situations as teachings. We automatically hate them. We run like crazy. We use all kinds of ways to escape — all addictions stem from this moment when we meet our edge and we just can’t stand it. We feel we have to soften it, pad it with something, and we become addicted to whatever it is that seems to ease the pain.” 

See if you really are out of control when you have that craving that seems so big.

Who would you be without that thought that you are out of control, that something is wrong with you, that your craving is altogether wrong, or that you shouldn’t have it in the first place?

What if this is a moment where you are meeting your edge. Maybe it has nothing to do with the thing you’re craving. See if you can sit still for 30 seconds. That may be all it takes to make a discovery.

What if nothing is wrong with you, even when you have a craving? What if it’s a voice, saying something, being the energy of craving….and you don’t have to hurt yourself to fulfill it, or even believe that you are unsatisfied right now, or desperate.

“If a country is governed with tolerance, the people are comfortable and honest. If a country is governed with repression, the people are depressed and crafty.”~Tao Te Ching #58

Govern your mind, the place where cravings arise, with tolerance today. Watch yourself feel more comfortable and honest. So much more pleasant than repression. No need for craftiness or depression. Just love. 

Much Love,

Grace
P.S. If your craving is for peace around sexuality and all kinds of sexual expression, then come join the teleclass that starts either Oct. 11th or Oct. 12th.

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Not Enough Too Much Painful Cycle

First, I’m adding an evening class of Horrible Food Wonderful Food (Pacific time) for Tuesdays 6:00 – 7:30 pm. Write me grace@workwithgrace.com if you’re interested.

Working with a troubling relationship like “food” and eating can be very tricky. It’s similar to other substances like smoking, drinking, using drugs in the way it feels hard to stop using it in the way we do. We consume, take it in, ingest it when we don’t like the way we are feeling or thinking.

The difference between food and other consumable items is that we apparently need to eat to keep the body alive. So we HAVE to face this relationship daily.

When it’s a very addictive, agonizing relationship that triggers a lot of emotion, then it’s like having a neighbor who is mean, angry, critical….or sad, depressed, suicidal…that you see on and off all day long. And maybe all evening or all night long, too.

It’s a troubling encounter, almost every time you meet.

The thing is, this difficult neighbor, this relationship with food, needs to be invited in for tea. I found I had to make friends with it—there was just no other way.

It is not easy to do that with an entity that feels so vicious, powerful, enraged, condemning, and unpredictable.

But of course, it is our THINKING that is spinning off in all these directions, with lots of uncomfortable feelings following all the thoughts that are going a thousand miles per hour.

The way I found the most peace around food was to do the following, which I did not plan out…it was not a strategy or anything I was forcing myself to do. It was what I most desired, so I was drawn to it:

  1. Stop every plan or diet (they never worked permanently anyway) that categorized and listed foods as “good” or “bad” or had measurements or time on the clock for eating.
  2. Accept my emotions, fears, terrors, loneliness, fury, grief as part of being alive, not that it meant something was wrong with me.
  3. Never give up believing that I could be normal with food and eating.

This can also be done with smoking, using drugs, drinking, or any other compulsive addictive behavior, something you don’t love doing but you can’t seem to give up.

For any behavior you notice that you engage in, but you don’t really like the outcome, Step #1 above becomes STOP making a plan for tomorrow or “the rest of your life”.

In the moment when you feel like doing the thing that you know doesn’t work in a permanent way (eat, smoke, drink, watch porn, over-exercise, shop, gamble) see if you can find out what exactly is so intolerable about THIS moment, now.

I found that I thought of my feelings as unbearable (Step #2 above). I was furious, heartsick, grief-stricken, scared, feeling trapped.

I hated feeling strong feelings so much that I believed I must get away from them, alter them, suppress them, attack them and destroy them.

So really, working with addiction, whatever it is you do to escape, starts with allowing this experience of feeling, being alive, and having that mean neighbor. It’s allowed to be the way it is. Leave it alone. Let this moment be here.

I still have strong feelings. Huge big feelings that seem overwhelming. I don’t necessarily like having them all the time, but I don’t round them up and send them to a concentration camp to be annihilated.

Big feelings are allowed here. What you are angry about, scared of, confused, or frustrated by is OK.

You are not terrible, unusual, missing something, unworthy, wrong, or stupid.

When starting to look at all the beliefs about food and eating that we’ve ever had, about bodies and weight-loss and weight-gain and fat people and skinny people….we begin to see what we thought was true might not be true at all.

When we have big painful feelings, we can invite them in and write down what we are most bothered by. We can be willing, open, curious to see what this terrible experience is all about.

Even if you just ate a gallon of ice cream.

“Whether you are aware of it or not, self-centered thoughts are polluting everything you do. Inquiry is just noticing that, so that the true quietness of who you really are can be realized.”~ Scott Kiloby

You are not “self-centered” really. Maybe you believe you are, and you believe this is very bad. You believe you are not spiritual and there is something greedy and disgusting about you. At least that’s what I used to think constantly when I overate.

But this is only your mind, working out things by “thinking”. It’s doing it’s job.

“The mind exists in a state of ‘not enough’ and so is always greedy for more. When you are identified with mind, you get bored and restless very easily. Boredom means the mind is hungry for more stimulus, more food for thought, and its hunger is not being satisfied. When you feel bored, you can satisfy the mind’s hunger by picking up a magazine, making a phone call, switching on the TV, surfing the web, going shopping, or — and this is not uncommon — transferring the mental sense of lack and its need for more to the body and satisfy it briefly by ingesting more food.” Eckhart Tolle

See today if you find you have a compulsive urge to do something if you can wait 60 seconds before you do it. Yes, that short.

While you are waiting, see if you can write one sentence down that is a reason you are suffering in this moment. What is happening here that is painful?

“Practice not-doing, and everything will fall into place.”~ Tao te Ching #3

If you’re ready to look at what you believe about food, hunger, and bodies…come join the teleclass that starts Tuesdays, either morning or evening, Pacific time.

Teleclasses also begin soon on Money, Work and Business, Our Wonderful Sexuality, and Turning Relationship Heaven to Hell. All using Inquiry to find out what we’re thinking that builds stress….and dissolving our stress by answering questions about what is really true.

Love, Grace

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Dictator-Chaos Bouncy House

In my work with many, many people with concerns about their diet and their relationship with food over the past 15 years, from ages 14 to 80, a wonderful awareness comes forward when people realize that controlling themselves vs having zero control is a core human painful experience.

Those of us with painful experiences of eating or not-eating are not alone in feeling out of control and then in control.

I call it the Dictator–Chaos Bouncy House. If you’ve ever been in an obvious addictive pattern of using something, like food, alcohol, drugs, tobacco, gambling….then you’re really familiar with it.

It goes like this: “I am NOT going to let this situation scare me, this person bug me, this experience make me fail”. The body is tight, fists clenched, thinking is directed. Our mind says things like I-will-never, I-will-always, how-dare-you, never-look-back…” This is the Dictator stance.

Then, we want to get away from the Dictator (understandably….have you ever been in a concentration camp?). We want to feel free, alive, I-can-do-whatever-I-want, live-today-for- tomorrow- I-could-die, who cares what happens! The diet can go to hell! All hell breaks loose! Chaos! Wildness! Freedom! Insobriety!

The core beliefs are shouting and very painful “I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS!!!!”

This life, this situation, this existence. Even if you have no substantive addictive cycle in your life, the mind loves to think that there is a Problem here. It loves to solve problems. It loves to divide and conquer and analyze and come up with a Plan.

In our Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass today, one wonderful participant spoke of the vast, empty feeling she had when entering her home after a day of being out. Another two thought about entering the house at the end of the day thinking about all that needed to be done….too much.

I remember in the past, if I had an entire evening to myself and I felt even a tiny bit self-critical about something undone in my life, I might choose to enter Chaos instead of staying with the dark emptiness.

Drink, eat, smoke, shop, video, phone, chat, read, computer, gossip, dream…fill it up. Forget about that Nothingness thing or The List of to-do’s.

If I don’t get away from that feeling of emptiness, or fear, overwhelm or anger….that would be terrible. Devastating, too terrifying. So painful, stressful. Nooooooooo!

But then what happens if I don’t HAVE to do something about this empty moment full of loneliness or fear? Am I SURE that there is no one else, nothing else in existence out there (in here?) Am I sure there is no happiness, no sensation of peace possible? Am I sure it is all darkness, hopeless, impossible? Is it true that this is BAD?

“The Master doesn’t try to be powerful, thus he is truly powerful. The ordinary man keeps reaching for power, thus he never has enough. The Master does nothing, yet he leaves nothing undone. The ordinary man is always doing things, yet many more are left to be done. The kind man does something, yet something remains undone. The just man does something, and leaves many things to be done. The moral man does something, and when no one responds he rolls up his sleeves and uses force. 

When the Tao is lost, there is goodness. When goodness is lost, there is morality. When morality is lost, there is ritual. Ritual is the husk of true faith, the beginning of chaos. Therefore the Master concerns himself with the depths and not the surface, with the fruit and not the flower. He has no will of his own. He dwells in reality, and lets all illusions go.~Tao te Ching #38

Here I am in this moment with my empty house and free time, and the Thought Factory offering suggestions for what I could do with this moment.

Can I have a real look at reality, right here even in THIS moment, and not attempt to assert my own will? Is love present here?…..joy?….silence?….no illusions?  I need to do something, I need to feel something different from what is here right now, I am not safe….is it true?

Love, Grace

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

 

Click Here to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

 

Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 8:15-9:45 am Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27) 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)

Money, Work and Business – Thursdays, Sept 27- Nov 15, 2012, 8-9:30 am Pacific Time (no class 11/1) 

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You Must Not Want It Bad Enough!

Stephen Mitchell, the author and translator of many ancient mystical texts (and married to Byron Katie), writes about non-action in his forward to his translation of the Tao Te Ching: A good athlete can enter a state of body-awareness in which the right stroke or the right movement happens by itself, effortlessly, without any interference of the conscious will.

All of us have this kind of experience in our lives, when things came together without our “trying” to make it happen. We know we want to be “over there”; for example, on a trip to a distant country, at a different point in our career, to change the shape of our body, to stop smoking, to reach peace in a vital relationship, to be on time, to win the competition.

And one day, we are there. Why now?

The thought that I can Do Something and Will myself to go in a certain direction, or will someone else to go in a certain direction, is very difficult to give up, especially if we are the type of person who loves discipline and structure.

Sometimes the sense of a lack of will power is the reason people hire life coaches or health coaches or personal trainers. They say things like “I’m gonna hire that coach so they kick my butt into shape” or “I need some accountability”. There is the person who is the whip-driver and the person who “needs” to get whipped. Power is perceived to be missing from the whippee. Something needs to be done. Things are very serious.

The deal these two people make often assumes that the person getting coached needs to make their will stronger, and to destroy some other loser part of themselves.

  • winners never quit and quitters never win
  • no pain, no gain
  • I’m going to get there, or die trying
  • get MAD!
  • you must not want it bad enough!

Have you noticed that the more you push, cajole, fight, twist, criticize, battle or attack something, the more energy it takes? The more you try to build up power inside yourself using force, the more tired you feel, or more unhappy, or more doubtful, and endlessly dissatisfied?

It does not feel stress-free, peaceful, or fun.

I remember giving up diets forever. They never, ever worked for me anyway. I got as thin as possible and it excellent physical condition, and then there was more effort, and a sense of being imprisoned and having to be alert at all times, cravings and anger at certain foods.

I wanted true freedom. Honest freedom. I wanted to be like I was when I was a child, when I barely remember food. I wanted my natural will, the way it was, to be effortless. I wanted to not have to work on my will power at all, to not think of myself as so lacking.

I had a lot of painful beliefs and thinking to question and Un-Do in order to get back to an uninhibited life around eating and my body. They were base-level core painful beliefs that were not true, like “I am unlovable, my appetite is too big, my feelings are too dramatic, I am greedy.”

Most importantly, I noticed that all of those kinds of thoughts about being fierce, aggressively holding the line, getting mad, or thinking I should be forcing myself to success were the opposite of loving and kind, and not the way I wanted to live.

If I could do it with food and eating, anyone can do it. I took my behavior and thinking to the extreme edges, which helped it all crash and burn. Total surrender. Total loss. Complete failure.

When it is not so serious and you give up fighting, instead of losing, you might find that playing comes alive. Joy, excitement, open to anything. Willing to have a body that does what it does.

“The best athlete wants his opponent at his best. The best general enters the mind of his enemy. The best businessman serves the communal good. The best leader follows the will of the people. All of them embody the virtue of non-competition. Not that they don’t love to compete, but they do it in the spirit of play. In this they are like children and in harmony with the Tao.”~Tao Te Ching #68

I want my aggressive big-appetite self to step out into the open, I want to enter and understand the mind of my obsessive self that gets fixed on things like an addict, I want to be open and supportive to every inch of my amazing body, I want to play with food and eating, explore my cravings, biting into yummy things and then moving on to something else the minute I’m full. In harmony with what is.

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My First Bulimic Episode

I was 18 years old and knew I would be attending a small liberal arts college so far away from my family home that it took 26 hours to drive there, or several hours by plane.

I knew the date I would be leaving home, in 3 weeks. Not going to this small academic college would have been an option, I suppose, but a terrible one (in my mind). In our family, people go to college. It means success. My father was a professor, my mother had an advanced degree and spoke fluent Spanish.

It never occurred to me that I might not want to go. People fail who don’t attend college. They work at low-income jobs for the rest of their lives. They don’t meet new friends who are also on a path to success.

I already had several years of practice in not understanding or expressing my own feelings. What I felt, I believed, was not important, and actually, would lead to disaster. My beliefs about Feelings went something like this:

  • people who cry or sob are way too dramatic
  • people who are angry need to control themselves and hold it in
  • “losing” ones temper means you are not mature or patient
  • people with big feelings are childish, disrespectful, and self-centered
  • having anxiety is a sign of weakness
  • people who have “negative” scowls instead of “positive” happy faces will fail in life

Unfortunately, I had already encountered anxiety, anger, irritation, sadness and any other feelings most human beings feel as they live their lives….along with learning what I was supposed to do with them. Which was generally NOT SHOW THEM.

When you have such judgment towards showing feelings….then when you have one, it takes energy to hide it, but you do everything you can to make sure you succeed.

The groundwork was perfectly laid for me to be drawn to use something, anything, to regulate myself.

My parents had a celebration send-off dinner for me in our back yard. Many people were there, although I can’t remember who, now that over 30 years have passed. What I do remember is that there was a ton of delicious homemade food, and I ate. That was the one thing that looked appealing.

I ate, and ate, and ate. It was like I couldn’t stop and it didn’t matter anyway….My first full-blown Binge episode. And then, excusing myself to go up to the bathroom and disengage from the intensity. Horrified at my lack of control. Hearing all the guests voices floating up in the summer air past the open window. Feeling such pain in my stomach and wondering how I could possibly have eaten so much that I was nauseated and my stomach hurt. Desperate. Wanting to sob, wanting help.

That evening, I decided that I would accomplish the task that I had imagined for quite awhile, I would force myself to throw up like the people who ate poison accidentally. I had never heard the word “bulimia”. But that’s what it was called, I later learned.

Thus began a long and interesting journey of having to admit there was a “problem”. Something off. And discovering that my feelings were not only important to understand and express, but that they were the golden key to understanding what I was believing and thinking about myself, the people around me, and about life.

As Byron Katie says, any stress is a “temple bell” waking you up to something. As I’ve said before, my stress was like a set of large cymbals crashing together. During a nap.

“Express yourself completely, then keep quiet. Be like the forces of nature: when it blows, there is only wind; when it rains, there is only rain; when the clouds pass, the sun shines through…..Open yourself to the Tao, then trust your natural responses; and everything will fall into place.”~ Tao Te Ching #23

If feelings are present, don’t futz with them. Don’t fight against them, criticism them, call yourself “out of control” or attack others for having them. But feeling them with respect, curiosity, openness….this is opening to the Tao, no judgment, no resistance. Allowing them, they move, they teach, and the clouds part.

Love, Grace

 

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Grace Bell, MA, Certified Counselor WA

Certified Facilitator of the Work of Byron Katie
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Go Towards The Dark

The study of Addiction; how it happens, what we mean by it, how we know we’re addicted, and how to find peace beyond it, is an interest humanity has had for centuries.

At a basic level, Addiction can be defined as a compulsive urge to escape the present moment, to escape feelings that rise.

A wonderful author and psychologist who has worked with people recovering from addiction for 30 years, Frederick Woolverton, describes any addictive process, no matter what the substance or activity, as an attempt to avoid internal darkness.

I remember Adyashanti saying at a retreat once that we’re all addicted to our thinking, we are all Addicts. We’re all addicted to distracting ourselves, forgetting about ourselves for awhile. To getting away from that pesky dark, emptiness we notice.

OH DEAR. Does this mean I have to go towards the darkness? Like, not AVOID it? But. That’s scary.

In our Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass this week a thoughtful participant offered the troubling concept “I need to control my emotions”.

I used to live with this belief under the surface of every interaction I had with others; going to work, studying, being with my parents, talking with friends.

All would be fine if my emotions were in check, if I didn’t actually feel anything dramatic, powerful, intense…if I didn’t feel scared, angry or sad. Then life was easy. Things were peaceful, simple, pleasant, fun or exciting.

But OH NO if I felt any fear over about a 2 on a scale of 0-10, or any sadness over a 4 on that same scale, or any anger more than a 1 on the scale of 0-10….then the need for a substance to help stop the feeling would come along. I couldn’t seem to close off the feeling on my own. “I need to control my emotions…I need to shut this down.”

How did I control my emotions? Why, by eating of course. Stuffing, shoving, cramming food in with a vengeance, with a force that was VERY ANGRY. I would also smoke cigarettes, having a quiet moment with them instead of actually expressing my deepest feelings to a human.

Drinking alcohol also served a purposed in changing feelings and thoughts. It would derail sadness and fear, kind of like switching theaters in the middle of an intense and troubling movie.

The problem is, while it appeared that I was doing everything I possibly could to control my emotions, they would pop up like geysers at Yellowstone. I’d run to plug up the fountain of emotion spewing out, only to have a new one pop up the next day 100 yards away.

It was a lot of work to avoid feeling big feelings, to avoid internal darkness.

Fortunately, the addictive process offers an unsatisfying and temporary solution. It also has really painful side effects….like horrible physical sickness or spending lots of money. There is no lasting peace whatsoever. It makes people wake up to wanting another way to live.

I found that through exploration and study of this amazing process of addiction, of giving myself a break from the attempt to control what was inside of me all the time, to be willing to stick with the internal darkness that haunted me, and to speak honestly to other people about it….the addictive processes stopped.

The good news is that just a drop of Willingness to be aware of what is happening inside of you, of being open to it instead of afraid of it, puts you on the path towards ending the annoying cycle of glimpsing darkness and trying to run away from it.

“Every addiction arises from an unconscious refusal to face and move through your own pain…you are using something or somebody to cover up your pain.”~ Eckhart Tolle

It can feel really difficult at first, when the addictive process you’re in doesn’t actually work anymore. When you stop using the substance or pattern, you may feel panicky or raw, or super-hyper sensitive. Your pain may now be sitting there totally exposed.

You may decide to look at the opposite to the concepts you’ve had before about your emotions. “I need to stop controlling my emotions, I need to feel everything, I need to share what I’m feeling authentically, I need to face my greatest pain…”

You may have to trust others who have gone before you….even if they’re saying “Go Towards The Dark!”  

It’s worth it.

Love, Grace

 

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Horrible Food Wonderful Food – Tuesdays, Sept 18-Nov 13, 2012, 8:15-9:45 am Pacific (no class 10/30)

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven – Saturdays, Sept 22-Nov 17, 2012 8 – 9:30 am PT (no class 10/27) 

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays, Sept 21-Nov 16, 2012 10-11:30 am PT (class one time on Thursday 10/25, no class 11/2)

Money, Work and Business – Thursdays, Sept 27- Nov 15, 2012, 8-9:30 am Pacific Time (no class 11/1)

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Relentlessly Thinking I Should Be Different

A thoughtful reader and inquirer wrote to ask me about the stress she experiences when she believes she needs to relax, lighten up, or stop working so much in order to be happy. You may the post from last week I Need To Relax To Be Successful.

This is such a great discovery, to realize that even with gentle-sounding thoughts and concepts that seem like good ideas, we can start a thread of thinking about how we could improve.

The thoughts go something like this (spoken from one who knows):

  • I should relax more
  • I should be kinder to myself and others
  • If I only knew how to calm down, my life would be more pleasant
  • I shouldn’t let that person bug me
  • If I meditated more, practiced my spiritual path more, then I would be a better person, more loving, and happier
  • I want to spread peace and not war
  • I allowed people in my life to hurt me, it’s my fault
  • If only I had a thicker skin, jeez!
  • If I could just remember to count to ten or have more patience, my kids would be happier
  • I should love myself

What I found is that when I start to get into these kinds of thoughts about how I don’t measure up to the best I could be….frustration, tiredness, low-energy, sadness, disappointment.

One of my favorite exercises in Katie’s book I Need Your Love, Is It True? is to consider the worst you have ever done. Almost everyone on the planet, upon thinking about the WORST they have ever done, feels terrible. We are sure we could have done it differently. I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN BETTER.

Katie suggests that we couldn’t have done it any better. No better, no different. It went exactly the way it needed to go based on who we were, who they were, what we were all believing at the moment.

We were innocently believing our thoughts. That was the way of it, that is the way of it. We were doing the best we could have done.

Notice how the mind will say “OK, I did the best I could in that moment…and IT WASN’T GOOD ENOUGH!”

You don’t really have to know consciously what you are actually believing, with perfect wording. You can question simply that you are not doing it well, that you could be doing better.

Who would you be without the thought that you are not good enough at relaxing? What if you didn’t evaluate yourself as needing to improve in any way at all, right in this moment?

What if you shouldn’t even love yourself right now? What if it is not possible to be a better parent? What if you are not awakened because you are not supposed to be? What if you are not successfully raking in money or working at a good job because your current status is just right?

“All that’s required of me is that I be good enough just to sit in this chair now. It doesn’t matter what my mind says…..Only a huge ego could say that you’re supposed to be doing something that you’re not doing. If it’s required, just start moving toward it–get the job done. And if you can’t get the job done, it’s because it’s not required.” ~ Byron Katie 

It is so strange for the mind to not have an improvement plan. But how amazing to find out what happens without one.

I was always so sure NOTHING would happen, or BAD things would happen without an improvement plan. Just try for a few minutes, a few hours, seeing what happens if you have no plan, if you don’t know what is supposed to happen now.

See what happens if all that is required is being you, no “making” yourself do, think, say, or be anything. You may find that life begins to live itself, without all the stressful thinking.

Empty your mind of all thoughts. Let your heart be at peace. Watch the turmoil of beings, but contemplate their return. Each separate being in the universe returns to the common source. Returning to the source is serenity. If you don’t realize the source, you stumble in confusion and sorrow.  When you realize where you come from, you naturally become tolerant, disinterested, amused, kindhearted as a grandmother, dignified as a king. Immersed in the wonder of the Tao, you can deal with whatever life brings you, and when death come, you are ready. Tao Te Ching #16

Don’t worry about not being where you’d like to be, yet. You are a part of all that moves in turmoil and then returns to balance, to the common source of serenity. You are on your way. You are supported.

Love, Grace

Wonderful Teleclass!

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Accepting Where You Are:

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