Category: Trouble With Food and Eating

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Being With People Healing Your Life

Many people have asked me over time how I ended my compulsive and addictive behavior, especially with food and eating.

Compulsive behavior can be one of the most painful cycles of human experience.

It’s lonely, desperate, grasping, repeats itself, and has “victim” stamped all over it.

On the surface, compulsive behavior looks like a terrible path. Like what freakin’ ding-a-ling would choose THAT?

It’s easy to see in someone else how unhappy they are, how stuck.

Drinking, eating, working, being helpful, over-exercising, dieting, using drugs, smoking, worrying, self-improving, checking email, cleaning, playing video games, watching TV, planning, shopping, porn, talking, researching the internet.

I once heard a woman share that to get over drinking alcohol, she formulated a structure to drink water instead. Even though she went to AA, she drank water every time she thought she had a craving for alcohol.

True story, she was at her doctor’s for drinking too much water, for suppressing her immune system and whatever else happens to bodies with too much water in them.

The definition of compulsive is to experience an irresistible, persistent impulse to do something.

It feels like a force that takes over consciousness…which brings in the VICTIM part. I am a victim of the force of this irresistible urge.

One thing I’ve talked about a lot is that the compulsive behavior is the result, it has to be the result, of compulsive thinking.

Even though it feels like the idea, craving, urge or command to eat comes out of the wild, blue yonder and descends like a cloud upon you…that’s the Great Illusion.

There was something there, in the mind, in the psyche, in consciousness, that was seen and believed and thought…and then a huge desire to avoid it, run from it, change it, transform it.

Work! Go running! Drink coffee! Drink rum! Consume!

Suddenly, the original worrisome idea, thought, dream, or memory vanishes and the mind is busy with something else instead. So it kinda works, temporarily.

I know I never would have eaten like a stark-raving lunatic if I hadn’t been deeply frightened, angry, confused, lost, or grief-stricken and been totally and completely against having these feelings.

I wanted to feel good, or neutral, or psyched at ALL TIMES.

I got really scared with almost any kind of strong feeling. I still get nervous sometimes.

One of the most powerful turning points for me in changing my cravings and urges was connecting with a group of people.

These people all were interested in being honest, open, authentic and understanding the truth for themselves.

The thing about getting truly close and vulnerable with other people is that; a) it is risky—someone may not love hearing what you’re really thinking if you speak it—they may leave, or fight, or dismiss you, and, b) you may not like yourself for what you’re thinking, let alone what you’re saying, and this feels pretty bad.

But telling the truth, exploring the truth, is worth it.

In fact, I would say that it is not just worth it, it is a matter of life or death.

A real, genuine, honest, powerful life….instead of a false, fakey, dishonest, powerless life…that feels like half-life or death.

When I stuffed myself, or drank a lot of alcohol, or smoked, or planned, or moved my home compulsively (I counted how many places I lived from age 18 to 30 once and it was like 22) I was either really nice, really fogged out or really hyped up.

Never calmly present. And I definitely never felt truly ALIVE.

The following items are the TOP FOUR things that helped me end really destructive compulsive behavior, apparently for….a very, very long time (these are also on my website page all about the One Year Program).

The very same four steps are what change my compulsive thinking, even without behaviors that are damaging.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got compulsive cravings and urges, but they are much more subtle…and I welcome them coming along overall.

  1. Having a guide(s) or mentor(s) and fellow travelers along the road who could see sanity at the end of my tunnel…people who could feel confident of my path, trusting, even amused in response to the way I am thinking
  2. Revealing my innermost thoughts, feelings and experiences to companions in total honesty…NO HIDING or running away
  3. Being asked by a facilitator powerful, direct, lazer-sharp questions, and answering them honestly, so I could eventually ask them of myself
  4. Staying with compassion (picture an owner saying to the puppy “STAY!”). Staying with my feelings, sensations, or painful thoughts without condemning or dismissing them, so they can be truly seen.

People….a group. That was the first big healing step, the first thing that shifted a dramatic change in my behavior.

Being honest with other people, over time…allowing contact with them that was revealing, vulnerable, expressive….this made all the difference.

I stayed with my first group for three years, almost never missing our weekly sessions. My binge-eating stopped during that time. I never went back.

I’ll continue more with this theme during this week in other posts, the rest of the steps….

…but what I learned about connecting with people authentically in this path of self-inquiry is how to love.

By not running away from anyone, especially in my support group, and agreeing that I would be totally honest….then I learned true love.

Unconditional love.

“The Master has no mind of her own. She works with the mind of the people. She is good to people who are good. She is also good to people who aren’t good. This is true goodness. She trusts people who are trustworthy. She also trusts people who aren’t trustworthy. This is true trust.”~Tao Te Ching #49

If you’re ready to connect with a small group for either 2 months, or one year, or half a day (in person) then come on over to a group class. Check out the list below.

If not this, find a partner to do The Work with. Share yourself.

The more honest and compassionate, the less compulsive your thinking will be.

Love, Grace

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Trauma Mirror, Mirror Therapy

Many inquiries for Breitenbush retreat, the One Year Inquiry program, and the upcoming June teleclasses! So excited to meet and be with all of you who are coming to in-person programs, including those of you flying thousands of miles to attend. I so LOVE that you are coming.

At Breitenbush, we will look deeply at our relationship to our own bodies, every part of it we don’t like or are worried about…and how this relationship expands out to our relationship with life, death and the universe.

Speaking of the body and difficult parts, I was reading recently of the phenomena of great pain in the body occurring long after a traumatic accident occurs.

I had to re-read the text, in this fascinating book entitled Mind Over Mind by Chris Berdik, to make sure I understood what was being said.

YES…people feel ongoing pain or itching or weird sensations that feel like its coming from parts of their body that are no longer there, or that no longer work.

Apparently, over time, many scientists and physicians and psychologists have tackled the problem of “phantom” pain.

Then a neuroscientist called Vilayanur Ramachandra created a process of making the mind “see” a pretend whole limb and voila, the pain or weird sensations subside for some people.

He calls it Mirror Therapy.

The way it works is that a mirror is held up to the whole, complete, un-lost or un-injured looking body part using a mirror. The mind sees a healthy, complete body part, where it was NOT perfect before, and the pain diminishes, or in some cases is gone.

They don’t really know why, they said in the book, and the results are not definitive….but as I read this, I considered self-inquiry on the body and the way a change in perception of what is can change the way we feel.

So what changed first when I did inquiry; my own mind and what it expected to see…or the actual body part I was looking at with disdain or upset?

Because regularly, throughout my life, I’ve had a few stressful thoughts about the body and what the eyes are seeing.

It happened again the other day, as a matter of fact.

I’m walking along the beach, happy as a clam, thinking about my friends, my clients, all the people I hear from on email, and the pretty weather, and the bulbous clouds, and hearing the sounds, and feeling the space of being on vacation and having no real plans…and then….

I glimpse at my reflection in the bungalow office window and immediately see nine things wrong with my image. And I could probably find more if I spent sixty more seconds thinking about it.

  1. tank top does not match skirt–where’s the color chart!
  2. feet are peeling and ugly and unfeminine, and these flip-flops are pretty ugly and worn out
  3. thighs should be thinner, stomach tighter
  4. jiggly butt, not firm enough, should be pure muscle
  5. hair color too orange, especially in this bright light…covering the gray is not exactly working “naturally”
  6. facial skin too wrinkled around the outer lips, like the cheeks are drooping to Texas
  7. same exact earrings since I left town…which by the way do not match the tank-top OR the skirt at all
  8. vein on left side of neck is huge, as usual since I first noticed it around age 19
  9. couple back on beach having wedding pictures taken, bride in pink and white, looked young, glorious and beautiful…those days are pretty much over for me

It used to be that these kinds of speedy images were very serious. I would then start in on solving these problems, or feel discouraged.

With a vengeance.

Time for Basic Training! Make a plan! Exercise More! CHANGE THE IMAGE IN THE MIRROR through doing stuff.

But since I’ve done The Work and questioned my thinking and very perception of this kind of stuff, and reading about this mirror therapy idea, I know the mind can change completely…the response to what it sees can change completely.

Eyes open, eyes closed, it doesn’t matter.

Who would we be if we didn’t believe the image truly meant something bad? What if we could allow the mind to look, and keep looking, and not turn away in horror or disappointment… but to let it wait and really look.

What if we just added a wee tad bit of an open-hearted, accepting attitude? Like we were listening to our best friend say how ugly she felt that morning, and we looked and saw only absolute beauty, even if yes, we agree that she has more wrinkles than she had twenty years ago.

Maybe we’d get used to this body and the images our mind apparently sees, and the feeling of being against what we see might subside.

What if you came from another planet and you didn’t know what a “perfect” body part was supposed to look like? What if you never learned about wrinkling skin being horrifying, or mis-matching apparel?

When I think about who I would be without the thought that any of those speedy quick images MEAN anything….wow. It would all be a big mumbo-jumbo potpourri of creative and changing pictures.

And the pictures would be fun, interesting, fascinating, intriguing, beautiful, ugly, and it wouldn’t matter…it’s just not that freakin’ serious, or real.

Then, you would be someone who lives without believing the thought that you need to change anything about your body in order to be deeply happy.

“It’s helpful to realize that this body that we have, this very body that’s sitting here right now on this shrine room floor……and this mind that we have at this very moment, are exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.”~Pema Chodron 

That means THIS body, with the big neck vein and the growing facial lines and jiggling areas….and the body that got cancer, is exactly what I need to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.

Turning it all around, I see the flash of images, in my head or in the mirror, and hold them all in my mind instead of brushing them aside and I LOOK….and everything that once seemed alarming now looks beautiful and sweet….or neutral.

Even the huge scar on my leg from removing a tumor.

So here’s an exercise for us all: try staring at something you think of as ugly or awful, and see what happens. Especially if you decide to bekind (hint: this is the turnaround)…you might be surprised.

You might see yourself as not so ugly….maybe gorgeous. Or at the very least, you will see what you are thinking about your appearance with clarity, and you can question it more completely.

Later, looking at myself in a mirror as I entered the bathroom to brush my teeth, I was startled to see how cute, attractive and appealing that image in the mirror looked.

What a cute smile! What an adorable person! That’s ME!

I guess, somehow, it’s what my mind expected so BOOM there it was…after questioning my thoughts of ugliness and decline.

If you’re ready to do inquiry, and do your mirror therapy, starting with this body you have, then come to Breitenbush. Last chance to register! We gather together in only one month!

Love, Grace

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Holy Moment No Matter What, When, Where

One of my favorite inquirers sent me a quote by Geneen Roth from her book Women, Food and God (which I highly recommend).

In the passage, Geneen writes that holiness is not in what we achieve or eat or weigh.

It reminded me of the sweet awareness that holiness is also not here in Bali, in some extra special way, or out there on a Hawaiian vacation, or in Mexico, or in Paris, or London, or Istanbul.

Holiness, or the awe of this world, can come upon you in a moment, in your mind.

You might be taking out the garbage, and then suddenly think about All This, and the strange, wild magic of it all.

That is a little moment of awe or holiness. It’s like you wake up from a trance…or a tendency to pop from one thought to another in a sort of speedy-zipping way, and you get a bigger view of everything.

So back to Geneen and her most important topic….food and eating.

As so many of you know, also my most important topic, or so it seemed, for many years. I say most important because it was a matter of life or death.

Starvation, limits, stuffing, emptiness, desperation, panic, doubt, determination….all these elements were present in my relationship with food and eating. It was in my mind constantly.

I would NOT have said it was holy. It seemed like anything BUT holy.

Food and how I felt about eating and my body was dark, terrible, full of anxiety, and totally twisted and confusing.

I was a total scaredy cat in my mind. This world was not holy, my body not holy, many people not holy, money not holy, my mind not holy, my work not holy, my thoughts not holy.

No wonder I was so freaked out so much of the time! Day to day life was a danger zone!

The way I viewed the universe quite a bit of the time, if you had asked me, was that it was profane, an abomination, unconsecrated…. all the opposites of holy.

And I was a part of the universe, of course.

But what if this moment, this next hour, is a holy one? No matter where you are, no matter what you’ve done, no matter what is going on around you?

What if it’s this way for some important reason…and you don’t even need to know what reason?

What if when it came to food and eating, that most important baseline wonderful topic, you imagined that just for a moment today (if that’s all you can do) or for the entire day, that you are an incredible holy entity that you have been gifted with caring for.

In this caring, you close your eyes and feel what this body needs, and with gratitude and perhaps awe, you cared for it like it is a most sacred visitor…like Jesus, or Rama, or your fairy godmother arrived to stay with you?

Don’t think about permanently changing your relationship with food and eating. Don’t think about losing twenty pounds, or dieting, or punishing yourself, or exercising, or healing.

This exercise in seeing what is holy around you is for now only, dropping all the plans for the future.

Dropping all thoughts that holiness will appear when you weigh, eat, or do something different.

If you begin to think of ways your life is not going well, or that you can’t do this exercise, then write them down—you can do The Work on these, they are like gold for your awareness.

Holiness is right here in this moment, not because the moment has wealth, happiness, money, or a perfect body in it…not because this moment is in Bali or someplace that looks pretty!

Anyone can do this exercise, it is for everybody. You could be sitting beside a road on a freeway in a pile of garbage. You don’t need any special information or to go somewhere or understand better.

“To acquire happiness you don’t have to do anything, because happiness cannot be acquired. Does anybody know why? Because we have it already. How can you acquire what you already have? Then why don’t you experience it? Because you’ve got to drop something. You’ve got to drop illusions. You don’t have to add anything in order to be happy; you’ve got to drop something. Life is easy, life is delightful.”~Anthony De Mello

Even right here, traveling, my whole entire diet is completely different than it is at home (so I think). But it turns out the humans eat here, and have plates and stores and gardens and stoves.

Once again, all I have to do is take care of this particular body, today, and un-learn and un-know whatever I think has to happen to make things holy around here.

Love,
Grace
P.S. I eat papaya, mango, banana, honeydew, watermelon, sticky rice and meat on a stick almost every meal, it seems. OMG where are the green vegetables? “I’m supposed to eat tons of raw green veggies every day.” IS IT TRUE?
P.P.S. If you’re ready to question your stressful thoughts about food and eating, we start an 8 week telecourse soon on this topic–check out the website www.workwithgrace.com

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I Have To Diet To Be Thin

I was thinking the other day about Obedience.

This was after reading an article on disordered eating and the quest some individuals have for thinness. The author of the article discovered some sense within herself of being obedient when she tried to be “thin”.

Of course it seems like there are many reasons for the desire to be thin: the collective culture in which we live appears to love it, our mom or dad talked of it as an important goal, it might be healthier, we could look attractive to potential sexual partners, we might appear “powerful” on stage or in front of a crowd, blah blah blah.

These are all quite amazing to question, to see if you really think any of them are absolutely true.

Even if you find they are not true, you may still find the desire smouldering in you to be thinner than you are, to hold on the thinness you’ve achieved, or to be proud of how thin you’ve become.

Good grief! Can you imagine not caring about how thin or fat you actually are?

RING THE ALARM BELLS! This would lead to disaster!!

Sometimes even after we’ve questioned our reasons for being thin, or anything else that seems to be desirable for that matter (money, love, sex, success, enlightenment) it is difficult to find who we would really be without the thought.

We think that without vigilance or commitment, even if its stressful, we will fail. We will be big fatsos, or neglectful parents, or lazy unemployed low-achievers, or single forever.

If I didn’t care about being thin, making money, or having a partner, I would break the rules, move out of the boundaries I’ve always believed in, I would blow up like a blimp, be a loser, and no one would like me.

But can you really know that this is true?

Do you KNOW that you need to believe something stressful, that you don’t REALLY believe in, in order to stay motivated and be happy? Does that even make sense?

Long ago, I canned the diets forever. I knew that feeling like I was in prison was not the way to happiness.

Do you want to obey the commands of others around you, or society, or the rumors you’ve heard that thin is better than fat? Rich is better than poor? Coupled is better than single?

(And of course, they are not commands….it’s all in the perceptions of the one who is looking).

Long ago, I read Fat Is A Feminist Issue by Susie Orbach. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but the title alone was enough. I passed the book on many years ago, but I know that I recognized a possibility that the messages I heard around me were actually very painful, and untrue.

Sometimes a true “diet” is saying “no” to the general accepted norm.

A wonderful client, who does not have eating issues of any kind, reminded me of Susie’s book awhile back, and how it nipped the worry about her food in the bud at an early age.

She didn’t want to feel like she was obeying anything when it came to eating, except her own body’s wisdom, her own mind’s wisdom.

Who would you be without the thought that weighing this number is better than weighing that number? Who would you be without the thought that you should eat vegetables and avoid sugar? Who would you be without the thought that people will not think you’re cool or powerful unless you’re thin?

If you really think you’d eat candy all day long and become a recluse…there is wonderful work to do.

You might question that you are your own worst enemy.

Pema Chodron speaks of renunciation, a term used by many teachers in many religions. Kind and loving renunciation is not passive. It is not a voice that says “great, I am against diets so I will eat and eat all day long, who cares”.

It is a clear, focused way. An awareness of the self. It gathers information from others, from doctors, nutritionists, books, and then waits to see how it lines up internally.

“Even though you’ve dropped your agenda, even though you are trying to work WITH situations instead of struggling AGAINST them, nevertheless you may have to say, ‘You can stay here tonight, but tomorrow you’re going, and if you don’t get out of here, I am calling the police.’ You don’t really know what’s going to benefit somebody, but it doesn’t benefit anybody to allow someone to beat you up, eat all your food, and put you out on the street.”~Pema Chodron

You know already in your heart what is of benefit for you, and what is not, what brings freedom and what brings imprisonment. You may sometimes benefit in questioning those bickering internal voices, and telling them to go by not believing them.

Today I seem to make a green smoothie every single morning for breakfast, with an entire head of raw broccoli and kale leaves of all kinds, or spinach, and ground flax seeds and banana and other ingredients. This has been going on for a long while now, like 5 or 6 months.

I have no agenda. I don’t know why not to do it at this point.

“I’ve heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they’re afraid that without them they wouldn’t be activists for peace. “If I feel peaceful,” they say, “why would I bother taking action at all?” My answer is “Because that’s what love does.”  To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what’s right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become. As if when someone finds freedom, she just sits around all day wiith drool running down her chin. My experience is the opposite. Love is action.” ~ Byron Katie

I say, find out who you are without the thought that you “have to” be an activist or take action or go on a diet or get a job. You could be amazed at the love, energy, and behavior that comes out of you.

And you might wind up thin.

Love, Grace

P.S. The next Horrible Food Wonderful Food begins June 11th.

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I Won’t Change Unless I Loathe Myself

This week I’ve talked with three wonderful people of very different ages and walks of life, all of whom wanted to do a session around their food, eating and body image troubles.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve had one year of unhappy eating, or a lifetime of unhappy eating…it’s painful, and that word “painful” doesn’t really sum it up.

I remember my battle with food. It was violent, crushing, despairing. I wanted to kill myself rather than live with such agony about what was “right” or “wrong” or “good” or “bad” about food.

One angel that I found to help me was author Geneen Roth. She had experienced similar violence and despair in this basic necessity of life: eating. She had been an 80 pound anorexic and a very heavy compulsive over-eater.

To the “normal” eater, being compulsive about food and eating can look extremely strange. Heck, it even looks strange to those of us with so-called abnormal relationships with food.

One of my favorite beliefs to question, way back when I first read Geneen’s book on recovering from emotional eating in the 1980s, was that I needed to control what I ate.

She wrote that if she continued to believe that she needed to control her weight, control her eating, control the content of her food…that she would, in fact, kill herself.

She said “Give up dieting. Period.”

I knew what she was saying was right for me. Because I hated with a passion all the diets anyway. I hated the fear and anxiety, the hunger, the attempt at perfection, and I hated weighing myself. I hated caring so much about what I weighed.

I knew that being thin did not offer happiness. I held onto that for a couple of years, almost anorexic, running cross-country competitively in college (briefly). I KNEW that forcing or controlling the food I ate was not joy. Over-eating was not joy, under-eating was not joy.

Recently I was remembering with a very good friend a time within the last decade when I threw myself more passionately into exercise, dance, biking, moving. My clothes got loose. I got compliments from people.

It was a kind of giddy, changing time. Divorce, rapid change, awareness, opening mind. I could eat snacks all day long and never cook and do whatever I wanted. I got extra light and airy.

But anything out of balance does not last. That body was not perfectly at peace at that time. It didn’t breathe deeply. And the energy shifted and slowly my clothes fit just right again. Who knows what the weight difference was, I don’t really know.

This kind of freedom to be whatever I am in the moment was unheard of in my past. Oh no. Always Something Wrong. Always Something To Improve. Always Thinner Is Better.

But I got a little whiff of freedom when reading Geneen Roth so many years ago. I knew this whole entire eating business was deeper than I thought.

I knew I could question “there is something WRONG with me” because I go on these frantic binges.

With a binge, I would believe: I loathe myself, I am worthless, I am immature, I am ridiculous, I am sick, I am pointless, I’m a freak.

I imagined that if I really believed I was OK, then I would keep binge-eating like a maniac out of control forever. All that self-hate was necessary for me to CHANGE.

If I didn’t hate myself, I wouldn’t even TRY to change, right?

Love myself? Impossible!

“Not wanting to change what is becomes a state of mind that is literally unimaginable. There’s no sacrifice in it, no deprivation–quite the opposite, in fact. It means to gain everything, the everything that is already yours, and the effect is peace. People who use The Work at home as a practice tell me that they find their own freedom. There is such joy in that, such peace, and it’s a story that can’t be told.”~Byron Katie

Can you imagine NOT wanting to change anything about food? Just let it be there?

Can you imagine closing your eyes and asking yourself, as if you are a little beautiful gorgeous precious being, if you are hungry or not, and exactly what you feel like eating?

Can you imagine waiting, taking a deep breath, slowing everything down, and giving up the idea that you better control yourself, or else?

Can you imagine not being surrounded by rules about food, or thinness, or fatness, and just seeing what is actually true for you only?

“The infinite is not somewhere else waiting for us to become worthy”. ~Tony Parsons

If you want to come explore your beliefs that you’ve repeated to yourself about foods, eating, your weight, thinness, and fatness, hunger and fullness….then join the teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food that starts next Friday Jan. 18th at noon Pacific time. 8 weeks (no class 2/22).

I Haven’t Enjoyed A Meal For Twenty Years, Until Now:  Dear Grace, I had nice Thai food yesterday and caught myself thinking afterwards: I REALLY enjoyed this meal. Nothing more, nothing less. I can’t recall any time in the past 20 years when I had a thought like that. Thank you.~LP, teleclass participant 

Opening Up By Looking At Food:  So grateful for this whole process…the group…other people’s stories, friends, experiences, learning, so curious, relieved as I see food/eating opening up before my very eyes…~JB teleclass participant 

Love, Grace

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I Really Should Be Thinner

Not all you wonderful readers have had the privilege of hearing some of my beliefs about cellulite, wrinkles, aching knees, loose skin or gas.

Doh! So unspiritual! So unenlightened! So superficial, ridiculous, silly, petty, childish, and stupid!

What…me? I would NEVER have a thought about such trivial occurrences as these. I would never have stressful beliefs about thinness or jiggling body parts.

It only used to run my whole life practically, starting around age 14. And occasionally these kinds of thoughts pop back by for a visit.

I needed to be thinner, smoother, less bumpy, tighter, more muscular, stronger, defined, angular. And never smell bad, either.

A wonderful inquirer reminded me the other day that many people walk around thinking that they need to be thinner, several times a day or more, and that it is very stressful.

It’s almost as if we believe it would suck if we didn’t have the thought that something needs to change. Because then, we’d be wallowing in a pile of passivity, non-motivation, and apathy. Resigned, not trying. Never getting there. And fat. Or certainly not thin enough.

Pain Makes Gain. Right? I feel pain when I look in the mirror, or I feel stuffed after a meal and nauseated, or I have a god-awful hangover…and this pain slaps me around and makes me want to wake up and do something different. That pain gives me motivation to CHANGE…..right?

Well, have you noticed how many times you’ve thought mean, nasty, ugly thoughts about yourself and your condition or situation? But no change happened?

If it WORKED to be self-critical, then it seems like it would have gotten you skinny by now, or sober, or successful, or rich.

Oh. Right.

There is another way. And it’s not “positive thinking” either. Because that would just be a fakey, rah-rah, cheerleading sort of approach which still assumes that you need to be pumped up and LOVE yourself to get somewhere. To get thin.

The greatest doorway to freedom for me has been, instead of condemning myself to long-term punishment, to look with depth at what I am really thinking repeatedly and finding out what is going on in those moments.

This is gettin’ down and dirty with the ugly, immature, stupid beliefs.

The belief “I should be thinner” can be mildly annoying or really sickeningly painful and very, very old.

Let’s look at it. First of all, can you absolutely know that it’s true? YES YES YES!! Screams from the balcony, the stadium, your family, your mirror, your grandparents, all the way from Hollywood! OMG of COURSE you should be thinner, are you kidding me?!!

Really ask again. I mean, in the big scheme of things beyond all this, can you know without a doubt that right now you should be thinner? You may still answer yes. That’s good….you thought about it for real, instead of just assuming it’s true.

You see how you react when you believe this thought: irritable, you make dieting plans, you despair of dieting plans, you try to ignore the thought, you hate yourself, you’re disgusted, you try to forget about it, you say “it’s not THAT bad”, you consider yourself superficial, you get tired just thinking about what you would have to do to get there. Starve and exert more energy.

And then…who would you be without the thought in your mind at all? Like other parts of the day when you’re not even thinking about it? Maybe you would notice that there are some other disturbing thoughts present. Some big ones that feel a little more foreboding.

You might notice that you could ask yourself a little more deeply WHY you should be thinner. I mean, what’s the problem here?

I should be thinner because then…WHY? My lover will stay with me, my spouse will never leave me, my friends will admire me, my boss and co-workers will be amazed by me, everyone will be attracted to me, my health will be superb, I won’t have “x” disease, I will feel fabulous, I will get more sex, I will have more energy, I will be more successful, I will make more money, I will be more secure, I will look stronger and younger which means people will find me appealing, I will stop having to think about this. Ever.

Phew. That’s a lot to put on thinness.

When we turn the thought around it becomes: my THINKING should be thinner….I mean really. I’ve believed that thinness meant so very much, the thinking has been thick and profuse and chaotic and fast. Yes, my thinking should slow down, relax and thin itself out.

Another turnaround is: I should NOT be thinner, I should be just the size I am. What if you allowed everything to be about your body, right now? What if you closed your eyes and just felt this body, and treated it kindly, without looking at it or caring how it turned out? Isn’t that what we all really want? Total freedom?

“I once worked with a woman in Jerusalem. Her religion was ‘I should have thin thighs’; she thought that’s what would give her what she wanted in life. She was the cutest! And she just wasn’t willing to do The Work; she couldn’t go inside for an honest answer, because she was terrified that if she answered honestly, she’d end up with fat thighs. She thought she needed fear as a motivation to exercise and eat right. It was obvious she preferred thin thighs to freedom.”~Byron Katie

When I began to realize that I don’t, in fact, actually care if I am thin or fat or round or sharp-edged…and what I really really want is the truth….then I became free to live in peace. To not grab for things when I’m not hungry (that isn’t the truth) and not force myself NOT to eat when I AM hungry (that isn’t the truth).

Simply being gentle with myself, moment to moment, at meals, with food, eating, tasting, smelling, hunger, fullness, slowing down. Not panicking or judging it as wrong. Waiting, breathing. Questioning other painful, difficult beliefs. Knowing I can “live” through any troubling or strong emotion.

I discovered what I used to believe thinness was going to bring me: love, joy, fun, pleasure, admiration, approval. Only all of these, already here. For myself. Whatever the weight.

The wonderful news is: you don’t have to be in 100% all-out full blown joy, love, pleasure and approval ALL THE TIME to be free from the burden of thinking about your weight.

All you need is a tiny drop of inquiry, willingness to drop your religion about the body and its appearance, and you will gently wake up.

That mundane, stupid, ridiculous series of beliefs about thinness that I had for years and years? They were my path to freedom.

“When they believe their thoughts, people divide reality into opposites. They think that only certain things are beautiful. But to a clear mind, everything in the world is beautiful in its own way.”~Byron Katie

If you want to take a closer look, come to a weekend in Seattle in January on questioning your judgments about food and your appearance….or come to Breitenbush Hotsprings next June 2013. Maybe it’s time to end this war?

Love, Grace

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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Eat, Sleep and Cry, Oh My!

A lovely inquirer and reader wrote to me this past weekend. She had a common dilemma. One I experienced frequently in the past, from even before I knew about the simple steps of The Work.

“I want to know how to find the thought that makes me want to EAT, SLEEP AND CRY right now!”

There I would be, overwhelmed with feeling, wanting to shut down, disappear, sleep, desiring freedom, peace, anxious, annoyed, flustered, confused.

Oh boy, ingesting something would be good right now, shift the energy for sure.

What do we humans do when we feel confused or overwhelmed?

We can start from the most simple place. It seems difficult to find the thought(s). But that itself can be such a trap.

  • I have to find the perfect thought to question
  • I can’t find any stressful beliefs right now
  • There is a thought here that is disturbing, but I don’t know what it is
  • I feel like drinking, eating, sleeping, zoning out, watching TV, escaping
  • I can’t identify anything I am thinking except that I want to change, right now!
  • I am confused
  • This is terrible, I hate feeling this way
  • I can’t stand this

Confusion itself can have about a million stressful, negative, painful thoughts associated with it. So the internal process blossoms from a little hum into a five-piece quintet, into a full blown symphony. In about 10 seconds.

Byron Katie says that the way we can tell that something is bothering us, is that we feel stress, and when we feel stress, we are believing something that IS NOT ACTUALLY TRUE for us. So, stress = believing untrue thoughts.

The more stress, the more I know I am repeating thoughts inside my own mind in my own story that if examined, I discover I don’t actually believe afterall.

It gets louder when I am repeating thoughts more frequently, without questioning them, that are not true for me.

If you are used to pounding yourself with untrue thoughts, without questioning them, then you get used to the process of experiencing a kind of zero-to-1000 MPH in less than 60 seconds, much faster than any vehicle. Rocket speed!

So I wrote back to the reader, and I suggested she write down whatever she was thinking, for 15 minutes if at all possible, but if she could only do it for three, then that is good enough.

I am someone who tried EVERYTHING to get some immediate relief from busy stressful thinking. A junkie for relief. I was confused and upset…but I also did NOT want to work.

Why? Because I didn’t think I really had good answers to the questions offered for self-inquiry. I didn’t think I was good enough, powerful enough, interesting enough.

I didn’t think that finding my own way through the jungle would actually lead me anywhere. My view of myself was pretty twisted. I’m a rebellious loser. Too smart for my own good. Too egotistical. Too blind.

I thought I needed help, I thought I was in need of additional input. So that kept me looking Out There for answers. I thought they would be quicker.

The thing is, the answers and authors and teachers I encountered that I felt positive about, and even the ones I didn’t, all led me back to….ME.

But wait, I am the loser who is less-than-perfect who is trying to find answers. Jeez! I hate this Loopy Cycle!

Forget all that. Or even if you can’t forget (not a problem really, overall) then just take only this moment and see if you can trust that whatever is going on in your mind is not Beyond Confusion, or impossible, or hopeless.

It’s just there, being the thinking-feeling-machine trying to do its job.

Here in this moment, it is good enough. It is enough. You can write. You can put some of your numerous stressful beliefs down on paper. Only do it for 60 seconds if that’s all you can dream of doing. Before you go drink or eat or smoke, even better.

These thoughts are GOLD. They may look boring, stupid, ridiculous, horrifying, mean, vicious or despairing. But let that voice have its say anyway.

Then, you will have what you are thinking right there in the moment. You can go backwards into what you were thinking 10 minutes before you started feeling most overwhelmed. What about an hour before, or earlier in the day?

Did anything happen that threatened your peace? Did you remember something? Did someone say something that was bothersome?

Let yourself write whatever comes along in that stressful moment. “I’m lonely, I hate my life, I need more money, he shouldn’t have looked at me like that, she doesn’t like me, the weather is terrible, the floor needs to be vacuumed, no one helps around here, it would be better with a life-partner, this is boring, I’m too fat, I should exercise more, I don’t take care of myself…” 

Then begin to investigate. I just want to eat, sleep and cry right now…and this is terrible. I’m too confused. I don’t know where to begin.

Is that true? Who would you be without that thought?

If you need help with this process, or a boost, or tune-up, or want to spend some time on that one particular relationship that’s really bugging you, come to the all day event on December 1st. Of course, you’ll be pointed back to YOU. To register click HERE.

“There’s no place, there’s no dark hole you can go into, where inquiry won’t follow. Inquiry lives inside you if you nurture it for a while. The it takes on its own life and automatically nurtures you. And you’re never given more pain than you can handle. You never, ever get more than you can take. That’s a promise.”~Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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What Is The Advantage of This Sucky Thing?

When I was 19 I went to my first therapist. Arranged by my parents. “You need help”.

My parents didn’t know how to help me, but they truly believed there had to be a way. They may have been very worried and had many stressful thoughts about me, but they also had the thought that any human being is capable of finding happiness, and stability.

I knew it too. I remember thinking, in the middle of extreme suffering and wondering if it was worth living, that I just HAD to be born with the same abilities as the next human to achieve peace or balance.

Part of me was extremely determined to reach enlightenment, or die trying. Like the Little Engine That Could “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…”

In fact, it isn’t possible that a human being would be born with the absolute inability to achieve happiness or peace.

Even Hitler, Vincent VanGogh, or your mean grandma.

But for some of us humans, we’re caught in the mine fields of fear, hatred, defense or sadness. Believing that there isn’t a way out, we’re trapped, stuck, hopeless.

If it goes on for awhile in time, we think of it as lasting forever, even more hopeless.

For me, that first extreme depression in my teens led to me dropping out of college, becoming totally OCD with food and eating (turning into a borderline anorexic) and then struggling with bulimic episodes for a decade.

It seemed like the worst of times. If you had asked me the honest truth, in my opinion, about whether or not I was happy and peaceful, I might have told you “NEVER! I am NEVER happy or peaceful!!”

But that was actually not true.

Here we are in this world, floating around on a big ball of rock, living our lives, and we may have the idea that we aren’t having a particularly good or amazing life all the time. We may really believe that we need help.

I have found this kind of moment, having the thought that I’m a mess, a wreck, I don’t like this situation, I don’t like being here, I need help, to be an amazing time to do The Work.

This means questioning a stressful belief like “I can’t find peace” or “I am not capable of getting out of THIS” or “I can’t heal or help myself”.

First question: Is that true? Really absolutely 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt true that you have no way to get to peace? That you are not capable of getting beyond your situation? Or that you can’t get help or find healing?

If nothing changed, if you did nothing, if you just stopped worrying about what that person said, or your lack of help, or your inability to heal or find peace….what would that be like?

Who would you be without the thought that you need to find something that gets you peaceful? Who would you be without the thought that you don’t have what it takes to be truly happy right now?

Back when I was 19 I might have had the thoughts that I needed help, was not peaceful, and was deeply screwed up somehow…but I also can find examples of how all the opposite was also true: I am receiving help all the time, from the whole world, from my life. There is a part of me that is entirely peaceful no matter what is going on. I am healing, I am capable of getting beyond my situation. I am moving into balance. Even if things feel traumatic or worrisome, or destructive…there is peace, freedom and creativity here. Anything is possible.

Here at age 51 now, I find how amazing it was to experience disordered eating. Wow, that was extreme!! It forced me awake.

It was incredible to drop out of college, go to therapy with the help of my very loving parents, and begin to study life and freedom that has taken me into a spectacular journey.

“Life creates situations that push you to your edges, all with the effect of removing what is blocked inside of you.”~Michael Singer

The advantages to having such depression, addiction, and pain in my past was that I answered a call from the universe, God, the Tao to come to the middle of the storm, find the eye in the center, un-do my belief system that wasn’t working.

You are getting unblocked, no matter what your mind is telling you about your situation. Find out what is good about it.

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Disgusting Shameful Despicable Me

The feeling of SHAME in almost every culture is horrendous. When someone feels shame, they believe they have done something worthy of being rejected. They are dishonorable, slimy, dishonest, degraded, banished. And they know it.

When I consider the feeling of shame, feeling humiliation, sorry and unworthy, it feels soooo low. Worthless. Disgusting. Hideous.

This is one of the worst human experiences.

Brene Brown is a speaker and author who has been studying shame in the human experience. Just like the way we begin to understand and question our minds by seeing what we actually are thinking….she also starts with what we mean when we define “shame”.

Long ago, when I was an active bulimic, eating and vomiting and starving and over-exercising and binge-eating again, I not only was in terrible pain about this strange cycle with food, but also I did everything in the world to cover up the fact that I was having this sick relationship with eating.

I pretended to the cashier at the grocery store that I was about to cook for a big dinner party. I smiled happily to my friends and said I already ate because I had just binged and purged a few hours before and couldn’t handle ordering a meal. I turned on the water to the bath tub or shower really loudly while I made myself throw up, so no one would hear. I drove from one fast-food place to the next ordering “normal” amounts at each one.

It was like there were eyes everywhere potentially seeing me and what a disgusting person I was.

Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing we are flawed and therefore unworthy of acceptance and belonging.~Brene Brown

It seems that this sense of wanting desperately to avoid rejection, to never fail, to not show unlikable parts, expose our imperfections, or reveal our flaws is all wrapped up in shame.

I know that the MORE I wanted to avoid rejection, the more afraid I was of getting criticized for my flaws, the bigger my shame was. The bigger the need to cover my trail and keep those ugly parts of myself a secret.

Now, I allow myself to think through this process in a slow, meditative, open way. This began with seeing a counselor many, many years ago and discovering how incredible it was to speak my innermost thoughts out loud to another human and not see them turn away in horror.

SHAME is faster than a speeding bullet. When it is triggered there is a feeling in the gut of being punched. It hurts. There is huge resistance to what is and an enormous belief that I am bad, stupid and wrong. Worthy of absolute rejection.

Staying here with what happened…without taking the shame so freakin’ seriously…I get to look at the behavior, the thoughts, the moment of shame, the trigger. I get to ask myself the truth of the situation, and see if it is really true that I am the scum of the earth.

Someone once passed me a note as I shared in a 12 Step meeting. The note said “It is a form of negative grandiosity to hate yourself so much. You are loved and worthy. You are a human being.”

Oh. WOW.

That’s when the adventure begins.

If I am NOT actually a horrid, awful, putrid, bad person….then what could be going on for me when I’m doing those painful things? What am I thinking in those moments? What am I really afraid of?

Byron Katie speaks with great compassion of the people who kill, lie, steal, cheat, and deeply hurt other people in this world. They are simply believing their thoughts. They are not looking with clarity at the whole situation, at their minds.

I love that questioning my thinking means I am moving away from shame, into reality. I am aware that I am allowed to be here. In fact, I belong and am acceptable, because I am here. No other “reason” is necessary.

Everyone else is allowed to be here, too.

“The Work is not about shame or blame. It’s not about proving that you are the one in the wrong or forcing yourself to believe that someone else is in the right. The power of the turnaround lies in the discovery that everything you think you see on the outside is really a projection of your own mind. Everything is a mirror image of your own thinking.”~Byron Katie

Without shame about my history with food and eating….I notice that I began to ask myself what else was going on, what else was I thinking, feeling and believing?

Who would you be without the thought that the way you have been is bad, wrong or evil? Who would you be without the thought that having a flaw MEANS you are unworthy of acceptance or belonging?

Can you not reject yourself, in this situation? That is all that is necessary to change everything.
I know, because it happened to me.

Love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 Noon – 6 pm.
Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

 

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That Person Is Too Fat

One of my most painful personal experiences of being judgmental has been around bodies.

Those bodies, the ones that look like THAT (fill in your own image) are beautiful, perfect, exciting, interesting, or attractive.

These other bodies, the ones that look NOT so perfect (fill in your other images) are anywhere from slightly unappealing to repulsive.

Beautiful/Ugly, Attractive/Repulsive, Fat/Thin, Defective/Working, Young/Old.

This area of analysis, judgment, criticism, and studying imperfection often felt compulsive and out-of-control. Even when I was a teenager, I would have not only the thought that something was ugly on a body…but also that I was stupid to be thinking that it was ugly.

I should control my judgmental thoughts about those other peoples’ bodies! And while we’re at it, I should also love my own body! Major Dismal Failure at NOT judging.

So there I was seeing the world and it was jam-packed with images of other bodies. What was ugly was anything too fat or too thin, too round or too sharp or pointy, too bumpy, to heavy, too tall. It was so quick, I could easily tell you what was beautiful and ugly in one-half of a second.

I KNEW UGLY AND I KNEW ATTRACTIVE.

I was learning, or had learned, VERY quickly, very young. As soon as I could hear what adults were saying around me. As soon as I could see what people were drawn to, and how they behaved, and who they rejected or praised. It was in the movies and on TV.

I KNEW already at the age of 8 that when I sat on a table one day, and my thighs spread out in a squished way with my legs hanging over the edge of the desk. I was shocked. “I have fat thighs?! I did not realize this! Terrible! They are ugly!”

“100 percent of your misery is brought on by your dishonest, unconscious thinking. That’s what a lie feels like….if you think you’re too fat, it’s not about your body, it’s about your mind. It’s about imagination running wild…The mind doesn’t have the question IS IT TRUE? to stop it, so that it can reconsider, so that it can bring itself to sanity. Sanity is a word I equate with love, with intelligence and maturity. An immature mind, is a mind that hates itself.” ~Byron Katie

This past week I watched my mind as it looked at bodies. I watched my mind then criticize ME for having these mundane, stupid, shallow, ridiculous thoughts about bodies.

I confess, I had the thought that someone was too fat. That person should lose weight. They should exercise. Something is wrong with how they are taking in food.

And then, more judgments: another person I love I thought of as waaaaaaaay too focused on the body (and it wasn’t me). She should get off this whole get-the-body-perfect thing. What a waste of energy, time, resources, focus! Jeez!

Thank goodness for doing The Work and an absolutely wonderful facilitator walking me through it. Without the facilitator, I might NOT have even stayed with this ridiculous, mean, superficial judgment and brought it out into the open.

Can you call up an image of someone you know who is “fat” and who you think shouldn’t be?

Is it true that they would be better off thinner? Is it true they are actually FAT?

Is it true that they represent everything that fatness means? That they are undisciplined, lazy, that they eat when they are not hungry, that they are unhealthy, scared, angry, pudgy, needy, unhappy, self-centered, or don’t love themselves? Are they really unattractive? Do people reject them, are they lonely? Are they less than spiritual, or unconscious? Really?

Um. I have no idea. In fact, no. It’s actually not true. At all.

I recognize the power of the “ego” or the little me, the one who thinks it knows, the one who is trying so hard, so sure that it is RIGHT, so nervous about rejection or imperfection, so full of striving. This thinking part is so sure bodies matter.

What is really the problem with anyone in this world being fat?

I’ve noticed that the world, the universe, Reality actually contains bodies which are of all different qualities. The variety is enormous, in fact, and actually infinite. Incredible.

I notice that without the thought that anyone’s Body should be different than the way it actually appears to me in this moment, then the creativity and variety is incredible. I am not against anything. No resistance. No need to change anything.

All these bodies everywhere being themselves….

Could it be that any way a body appears here, now, is just right? See how amazing it feels to be with this thought.

Back once again to leaving everything alone.

What was too fat, was my thinking. When I think someone is too fat, or anything about me is too fat, my thoughts are slow, full, repetitive, thick, heavy, extra, big, dark, overflowing, wide, depressing.

Fortunately, my thinking is not ME. Just like my body isn’t ME.

“God, or your essential nature, is not Something. Not Content. Not Form. The best description with words is to say what it is NOT….It can be known in the silent space of stillness which is in everyone…”~ Eckhart Tolle

What if you walked around today, or sat around, or maybe the body you appear to have is lying around…what if you were here and entirely and completely without the thought that what your body looks like or represents IS you?

What if you are much more than that. Or not even that, at all.

Love, Grace

P.S. At Breitenbush, the end of June, we will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

To comment on this article, click here  and scroll down to the comments section.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

Click here  to register for any fall class to learn how to do The Work of Byron Katie on these powerful topics in your life.

Our Wonderful Sexuality – Fridays 10 – 11:30 am Oct. 12 – Dec. 13 (no class 10/26 OR 11/2)