Category: Trouble With Food and Eating

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Have To, Must, Never, Always and Other Lies

Not long ago I was working with a lovely man concerned with his computer addiction.

“I have to quit” he said. “Hours and hours go by with me staring at the screen, bouncing from site to site”.

I remembered other inquirers looking at their internet use, signing up for porn sites either for free or paying for subscriptions, movies, you tube, vines, vlogs, blogs, research, reading articles, email, facebook, linked in, pinterest, google plus.

Uh…watching “non-dual” speakers (there are hundreds) talk about the nature of reality. Heh heh.

I remember another person I once knew when he first introduced himself to me talking about his sobriety and how he never, never, ever, ever, never would ever take a drink again and could never, ever be with people who drank alcohol.

He was drunk a couple of weeks later.

Pronouncements that are full of across-the-board this-is-it FOREVER often have a bit of an extreme edge.

They are infused with force. At least when I have uttered these kinds of statements and there’s a kind of push….then I feel angry, discouraged, defiant, terrified, violent.

Not exactly kind, easy-going, or peaceful.

A very common cry in the addictive cycle is to say words like “I have to” or “I will never” or “I will always”.

There you are, reaching for the big yummy container of ice cream, filled with craving. Or reaching for your cigarettes and lighter. Or thinking about that beer. Or feeling a need to check your emails. Or deciding to watch videos.

In that very moment, what do you want? If you engage in the behavior, did you get what you want?

I used to want to let my anger out. To talk to people and tell the damn truth for once.

But instead, I would then think “I can’t tell the truth, that won’t help, I’ll be rejected, my anger is too strong, I am too needy, I want to be a nice person but I don’t feel nice, I’m too critical, I’ll settle for over-eating instead.”

That all happened in about 2/10ths of a second.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON, don’t tell the truth, don’t be REAL. Worse things will happen.

You’ll be rejected, obliterated, annihilated, lonely, alone, dead, insane, you’ll hurt other people…it will be bad.

Seriously. Go for the behavior instead. Change channels. Shut the craving down.

It seemed like my best choice at the time, based on what I believed, to eat alone, instead of truly expose myself.

Who would you be without the thought that at your core, without the addictive behavior to “help” manage your feelings or cover up your unhappiness, you are rotten and unlovable (when you’re upset)?

What if you realize that yes, when you touch a hot stove it burns, but you don’t need to throw the stove out of the house or stay away from stoves for the rest of your life?

What if you could relax when you have a strong urge or craving, and be curious?

What if your want, desire, urge, reaching, grasping is just a part of you, and a part of this big interesting invitation to see what is really, honestly true for you in that moment?

Are you SURE you wanna do that thing you think you wanna do?

“The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little”. ~ Thomas Merton 

Are you SURE you DON’T want to do it? Are you SURE you want to stop?

Ah, there’s a question. Because for me, the answer was obviously “no”. Because I didn’t.

What if I wasn’t so against and resistant to this terrible craving, so filled with fury, wanting to control it, anger, extreme thinking, emptiness?

Who would I be without the thought that I MUST stop, I have to, I can never, I must be vigilant, I should always….

Wow. Relieved. Fascinated. So much more energy. Connected. Wondering. Open. Possibility.

Free.

Could this craving be a gift?

I now look back and see….yes, yes, yes.

“Resist your temptation to lie by speaking of separation from God, otherwise we may have to medicate You. In the ocean a lot goes on beneath your eyes. Listen, they have clinics there too for the insane who persist in saying things like: ‘I am independent from the Sea, God is not always around gently pressing against my body.’ ” ~ Hafiz

Instead of shutting yourself down, medicating yourself with shame or unhappiness at your own behaviors, or lying about what an unreliable, grabby, addicted person you are….consider instead the turnaround to be true.

In that moment of desire, urgency, reaching…could there be something more satisfying, more thrilling, more wonderful, bigger, deeper, more beautiful than you’re aware of?

What if you are aware, you’re just pretending that you’re not? What if that’s the moment you’ve been waiting for….connection to All This?

What if you can handle the fire?

If I can, you can too.

The One Year Program is devoted to staying in inquiry, when you apparently think it might be easier to believe your lies. Join us.

Love, Grace

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Thank you, Relationship With Food

Most of you know that I consider one of my first difficult relationships the one I developed with food and eating.

It came in as a distinct relationship around adolescence, the usual time young people are becoming interested in adulthood, attraction to others, sexuality, greater responsibility.

I was afraid of the universe. Things did NOT look all that safe to me.

But from that time forward, I can honestly say that I never, ever stayed happily, openly, easily, freely on any kind of a food plan or diet.

I would decide on a late afternoon one day, “tomorrow, I am going to quit consuming Evil Sugar in all forms” and by 9:30 am the next morning I would decide “nevermind, I am going to eat whatever the hell I want”.

I gave up going on food plans or diets pretty early in my troubled eating experience. It was extremely painful to fail, when I already felt like a big failure around food and eating.

Well, recently, after hearing about it for a few years, I came to the conclusion that for three weeks, it was a pretty darn good idea for me to make some changes in my diet.

Which means, not eating whatever I want, whenever I want it.

This is honestly the first time I can remember doing this in my life since my relationship to food stopped being a violent war zone, 25 years ago.

If I’ve done some kind of food plan or been under medical guidance to not eat something, I can’t remember it, so it didn’t make a big impact.

My story has continued to be, I will eat whatever, whenever, however, whichever I want.

Sort of rebellious, I must confess.

But also, a great exploration in experimenting, learning to not be afraid of particular foods I had been told were evil (like candy), finding out for myself what actually worked for me and what didn’t.

I was so deeply committed to seeing things without a moral evaluation attached.

When I was young, people actually would say, when they ate certain foods, that it was naughty, sneaky, cheating, or bad.

Like there was some kind of dark, seductive, haunting, terrible force in that food…like the DEVIL.

But recently, all these years later….there I was actually reading about food chemistry, calories, agents, molecules, all because I thought I’d do some research on some symptoms I was having…

….and I wound up cutting out a bunch of types of food from my normal daily diet.

Just a temporary experiment, allowing myself to see what is actually true for this particular body.

Here’s the funny part I wanted to share with you all: the day after I decided it sounded interesting to do this….an old voice called me on the inner-mind telephone.

“Uh, Grace….remember me? I’m the rebellious teenager who will not be denied here. You are skating on thin ice. Do you want to fail? Are you sure you want to cut out those yummy foods you eat EVERY DAY? This is a little too much focus on food, don’t you think?”

It crossed my mind to drop the whole thing. After maybe 15 hours, 8 of which I was asleep.

Almost immediately, I recognized the fear in that voice, the one who thinks it will be deprived, starving, frightened, restricted, controlled, bossed around, and abused.

Long ago, my restriction of food, and then the huge binge-eating episodes, was like the Dictator in the Concentration Camp withholding food in a war with a Raging Urge to Stay Alive.

Back then, it was outright war, and no solution. Everyone lost, all the time.

No happiness or joy in any of those extreme swings.

I felt great compassion for that old self, so terrified as it once was.

And I saw the idea floating up to be questioned “I can’t handle this, I will be deprived, this will hurt, I won’t get what I want, too scary, too hard.”

Is that true?

Can I really absolutely know for sure that eliminating these foods and doing an experiment of eating other things instead will be too hard, that I’ll be deprived or scared or angry or hungry?

No. I can’t know that for sure.

In fact, the whole point is to see if the opposite is true. Jeez.

“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would I be without the belief that switching around what I am eating in this time/space reality is gonna be difficult, in any way?

Totally excited to play this game. Noticing the fun of learning. Noticing how easy it is to say “no” and then say “yes” and take care of this body the best I know how to, for today.

Turning that impulse around that believes this food experience could mean deprivation, I find these words coming alive: “I can handle this, I will be satisfied, I am satisfied right now, this will heal, I will get what I want, this isn’t scary, this is easy, this is actually fun.”

 “Life always gives us exactly the teacher we need at every moment. This includes every mosquito, every misfortune, every red light, every traffic jam, every obnoxious supervisor (or employee), every illness, every loss, every moment of joy or depression, every addiction, every piece of garbage, every breath. Every moment is the Guru.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Even a little idea about changing the way we eat….which may be a bigger idea than we think….is our teacher.

For me, one of the greatest teachers, a holy representation of my belief about life.

Thank you, Relationship With Food.

Love, Grace

P.S. Weekend intensive on Food and Eating in Seattle December 14-15, 2013. Click HERE for brief description—more on this coming soon.

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Being With People Healing Your Life

Many people have asked me over time how I ended my compulsive and addictive behavior, especially with food and eating.

Compulsive behavior can be one of the most painful cycles of human experience.

It’s lonely, desperate, grasping, repeats itself, and has “victim” stamped all over it.

On the surface, compulsive behavior looks like a terrible path. Like what freakin’ ding-a-ling would choose THAT?

It’s easy to see in someone else how unhappy they are, how stuck.

Drinking, eating, working, being helpful, over-exercising, dieting, using drugs, smoking, worrying, self-improving, checking email, cleaning, playing video games, watching TV, planning, shopping, porn, talking, researching the internet.

I once heard a woman share that to get over drinking alcohol, she formulated a structure to drink water instead. Even though she went to AA, she drank water every time she thought she had a craving for alcohol.

True story, she was at her doctor’s for drinking too much water, for suppressing her immune system and whatever else happens to bodies with too much water in them.

The definition of compulsive is to experience an irresistible, persistent impulse to do something.

It feels like a force that takes over consciousness…which brings in the VICTIM part. I am a victim of the force of this irresistible urge.

One thing I’ve talked about a lot is that the compulsive behavior is the result, it has to be the result, of compulsive thinking.

Even though it feels like the idea, craving, urge or command to eat comes out of the wild, blue yonder and descends like a cloud upon you…that’s the Great Illusion.

There was something there, in the mind, in the psyche, in consciousness, that was seen and believed and thought…and then a huge desire to avoid it, run from it, change it, transform it.

Work! Go running! Drink coffee! Drink rum! Consume!

Suddenly, the original worrisome idea, thought, dream, or memory vanishes and the mind is busy with something else instead. So it kinda works, temporarily.

I know I never would have eaten like a stark-raving lunatic if I hadn’t been deeply frightened, angry, confused, lost, or grief-stricken and been totally and completely against having these feelings.

I wanted to feel good, or neutral, or psyched at ALL TIMES.

I got really scared with almost any kind of strong feeling. I still get nervous sometimes.

One of the most powerful turning points for me in changing my cravings and urges was connecting with a group of people.

These people all were interested in being honest, open, authentic and understanding the truth for themselves.

The thing about getting truly close and vulnerable with other people is that; a) it is risky—someone may not love hearing what you’re really thinking if you speak it—they may leave, or fight, or dismiss you, and, b) you may not like yourself for what you’re thinking, let alone what you’re saying, and this feels pretty bad.

But telling the truth, exploring the truth, is worth it.

In fact, I would say that it is not just worth it, it is a matter of life or death.

A real, genuine, honest, powerful life….instead of a false, fakey, dishonest, powerless life…that feels like half-life or death.

When I stuffed myself, or drank a lot of alcohol, or smoked, or planned, or moved my home compulsively (I counted how many places I lived from age 18 to 30 once and it was like 22) I was either really nice, really fogged out or really hyped up.

Never calmly present. And I definitely never felt truly ALIVE.

The following items are the TOP FOUR things that helped me end really destructive compulsive behavior, apparently for….a very, very long time (these are also on my website page all about the One Year Program).

The very same four steps are what change my compulsive thinking, even without behaviors that are damaging.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve got compulsive cravings and urges, but they are much more subtle…and I welcome them coming along overall.

  1. Having a guide(s) or mentor(s) and fellow travelers along the road who could see sanity at the end of my tunnel…people who could feel confident of my path, trusting, even amused in response to the way I am thinking
  2. Revealing my innermost thoughts, feelings and experiences to companions in total honesty…NO HIDING or running away
  3. Being asked by a facilitator powerful, direct, lazer-sharp questions, and answering them honestly, so I could eventually ask them of myself
  4. Staying with compassion (picture an owner saying to the puppy “STAY!”). Staying with my feelings, sensations, or painful thoughts without condemning or dismissing them, so they can be truly seen.

People….a group. That was the first big healing step, the first thing that shifted a dramatic change in my behavior.

Being honest with other people, over time…allowing contact with them that was revealing, vulnerable, expressive….this made all the difference.

I stayed with my first group for three years, almost never missing our weekly sessions. My binge-eating stopped during that time. I never went back.

I’ll continue more with this theme during this week in other posts, the rest of the steps….

…but what I learned about connecting with people authentically in this path of self-inquiry is how to love.

By not running away from anyone, especially in my support group, and agreeing that I would be totally honest….then I learned true love.

Unconditional love.

“The Master has no mind of her own. She works with the mind of the people. She is good to people who are good. She is also good to people who aren’t good. This is true goodness. She trusts people who are trustworthy. She also trusts people who aren’t trustworthy. This is true trust.”~Tao Te Ching #49

If you’re ready to connect with a small group for either 2 months, or one year, or half a day (in person) then come on over to a group class. Check out the list below.

If not this, find a partner to do The Work with. Share yourself.

The more honest and compassionate, the less compulsive your thinking will be.

Love, Grace

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Trauma Mirror, Mirror Therapy

Many inquiries for Breitenbush retreat, the One Year Inquiry program, and the upcoming June teleclasses! So excited to meet and be with all of you who are coming to in-person programs, including those of you flying thousands of miles to attend. I so LOVE that you are coming.

At Breitenbush, we will look deeply at our relationship to our own bodies, every part of it we don’t like or are worried about…and how this relationship expands out to our relationship with life, death and the universe.

Speaking of the body and difficult parts, I was reading recently of the phenomena of great pain in the body occurring long after a traumatic accident occurs.

I had to re-read the text, in this fascinating book entitled Mind Over Mind by Chris Berdik, to make sure I understood what was being said.

YES…people feel ongoing pain or itching or weird sensations that feel like its coming from parts of their body that are no longer there, or that no longer work.

Apparently, over time, many scientists and physicians and psychologists have tackled the problem of “phantom” pain.

Then a neuroscientist called Vilayanur Ramachandra created a process of making the mind “see” a pretend whole limb and voila, the pain or weird sensations subside for some people.

He calls it Mirror Therapy.

The way it works is that a mirror is held up to the whole, complete, un-lost or un-injured looking body part using a mirror. The mind sees a healthy, complete body part, where it was NOT perfect before, and the pain diminishes, or in some cases is gone.

They don’t really know why, they said in the book, and the results are not definitive….but as I read this, I considered self-inquiry on the body and the way a change in perception of what is can change the way we feel.

So what changed first when I did inquiry; my own mind and what it expected to see…or the actual body part I was looking at with disdain or upset?

Because regularly, throughout my life, I’ve had a few stressful thoughts about the body and what the eyes are seeing.

It happened again the other day, as a matter of fact.

I’m walking along the beach, happy as a clam, thinking about my friends, my clients, all the people I hear from on email, and the pretty weather, and the bulbous clouds, and hearing the sounds, and feeling the space of being on vacation and having no real plans…and then….

I glimpse at my reflection in the bungalow office window and immediately see nine things wrong with my image. And I could probably find more if I spent sixty more seconds thinking about it.

  1. tank top does not match skirt–where’s the color chart!
  2. feet are peeling and ugly and unfeminine, and these flip-flops are pretty ugly and worn out
  3. thighs should be thinner, stomach tighter
  4. jiggly butt, not firm enough, should be pure muscle
  5. hair color too orange, especially in this bright light…covering the gray is not exactly working “naturally”
  6. facial skin too wrinkled around the outer lips, like the cheeks are drooping to Texas
  7. same exact earrings since I left town…which by the way do not match the tank-top OR the skirt at all
  8. vein on left side of neck is huge, as usual since I first noticed it around age 19
  9. couple back on beach having wedding pictures taken, bride in pink and white, looked young, glorious and beautiful…those days are pretty much over for me

It used to be that these kinds of speedy images were very serious. I would then start in on solving these problems, or feel discouraged.

With a vengeance.

Time for Basic Training! Make a plan! Exercise More! CHANGE THE IMAGE IN THE MIRROR through doing stuff.

But since I’ve done The Work and questioned my thinking and very perception of this kind of stuff, and reading about this mirror therapy idea, I know the mind can change completely…the response to what it sees can change completely.

Eyes open, eyes closed, it doesn’t matter.

Who would we be if we didn’t believe the image truly meant something bad? What if we could allow the mind to look, and keep looking, and not turn away in horror or disappointment… but to let it wait and really look.

What if we just added a wee tad bit of an open-hearted, accepting attitude? Like we were listening to our best friend say how ugly she felt that morning, and we looked and saw only absolute beauty, even if yes, we agree that she has more wrinkles than she had twenty years ago.

Maybe we’d get used to this body and the images our mind apparently sees, and the feeling of being against what we see might subside.

What if you came from another planet and you didn’t know what a “perfect” body part was supposed to look like? What if you never learned about wrinkling skin being horrifying, or mis-matching apparel?

When I think about who I would be without the thought that any of those speedy quick images MEAN anything….wow. It would all be a big mumbo-jumbo potpourri of creative and changing pictures.

And the pictures would be fun, interesting, fascinating, intriguing, beautiful, ugly, and it wouldn’t matter…it’s just not that freakin’ serious, or real.

Then, you would be someone who lives without believing the thought that you need to change anything about your body in order to be deeply happy.

“It’s helpful to realize that this body that we have, this very body that’s sitting here right now on this shrine room floor……and this mind that we have at this very moment, are exactly what we need to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.”~Pema Chodron 

That means THIS body, with the big neck vein and the growing facial lines and jiggling areas….and the body that got cancer, is exactly what I need to be fully human, fully awake, and fully alive.

Turning it all around, I see the flash of images, in my head or in the mirror, and hold them all in my mind instead of brushing them aside and I LOOK….and everything that once seemed alarming now looks beautiful and sweet….or neutral.

Even the huge scar on my leg from removing a tumor.

So here’s an exercise for us all: try staring at something you think of as ugly or awful, and see what happens. Especially if you decide to bekind (hint: this is the turnaround)…you might be surprised.

You might see yourself as not so ugly….maybe gorgeous. Or at the very least, you will see what you are thinking about your appearance with clarity, and you can question it more completely.

Later, looking at myself in a mirror as I entered the bathroom to brush my teeth, I was startled to see how cute, attractive and appealing that image in the mirror looked.

What a cute smile! What an adorable person! That’s ME!

I guess, somehow, it’s what my mind expected so BOOM there it was…after questioning my thoughts of ugliness and decline.

If you’re ready to do inquiry, and do your mirror therapy, starting with this body you have, then come to Breitenbush. Last chance to register! We gather together in only one month!

Love, Grace

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Holy Moment No Matter What, When, Where

One of my favorite inquirers sent me a quote by Geneen Roth from her book Women, Food and God (which I highly recommend).

In the passage, Geneen writes that holiness is not in what we achieve or eat or weigh.

It reminded me of the sweet awareness that holiness is also not here in Bali, in some extra special way, or out there on a Hawaiian vacation, or in Mexico, or in Paris, or London, or Istanbul.

Holiness, or the awe of this world, can come upon you in a moment, in your mind.

You might be taking out the garbage, and then suddenly think about All This, and the strange, wild magic of it all.

That is a little moment of awe or holiness. It’s like you wake up from a trance…or a tendency to pop from one thought to another in a sort of speedy-zipping way, and you get a bigger view of everything.

So back to Geneen and her most important topic….food and eating.

As so many of you know, also my most important topic, or so it seemed, for many years. I say most important because it was a matter of life or death.

Starvation, limits, stuffing, emptiness, desperation, panic, doubt, determination….all these elements were present in my relationship with food and eating. It was in my mind constantly.

I would NOT have said it was holy. It seemed like anything BUT holy.

Food and how I felt about eating and my body was dark, terrible, full of anxiety, and totally twisted and confusing.

I was a total scaredy cat in my mind. This world was not holy, my body not holy, many people not holy, money not holy, my mind not holy, my work not holy, my thoughts not holy.

No wonder I was so freaked out so much of the time! Day to day life was a danger zone!

The way I viewed the universe quite a bit of the time, if you had asked me, was that it was profane, an abomination, unconsecrated…. all the opposites of holy.

And I was a part of the universe, of course.

But what if this moment, this next hour, is a holy one? No matter where you are, no matter what you’ve done, no matter what is going on around you?

What if it’s this way for some important reason…and you don’t even need to know what reason?

What if when it came to food and eating, that most important baseline wonderful topic, you imagined that just for a moment today (if that’s all you can do) or for the entire day, that you are an incredible holy entity that you have been gifted with caring for.

In this caring, you close your eyes and feel what this body needs, and with gratitude and perhaps awe, you cared for it like it is a most sacred visitor…like Jesus, or Rama, or your fairy godmother arrived to stay with you?

Don’t think about permanently changing your relationship with food and eating. Don’t think about losing twenty pounds, or dieting, or punishing yourself, or exercising, or healing.

This exercise in seeing what is holy around you is for now only, dropping all the plans for the future.

Dropping all thoughts that holiness will appear when you weigh, eat, or do something different.

If you begin to think of ways your life is not going well, or that you can’t do this exercise, then write them down—you can do The Work on these, they are like gold for your awareness.

Holiness is right here in this moment, not because the moment has wealth, happiness, money, or a perfect body in it…not because this moment is in Bali or someplace that looks pretty!

Anyone can do this exercise, it is for everybody. You could be sitting beside a road on a freeway in a pile of garbage. You don’t need any special information or to go somewhere or understand better.

“To acquire happiness you don’t have to do anything, because happiness cannot be acquired. Does anybody know why? Because we have it already. How can you acquire what you already have? Then why don’t you experience it? Because you’ve got to drop something. You’ve got to drop illusions. You don’t have to add anything in order to be happy; you’ve got to drop something. Life is easy, life is delightful.”~Anthony De Mello

Even right here, traveling, my whole entire diet is completely different than it is at home (so I think). But it turns out the humans eat here, and have plates and stores and gardens and stoves.

Once again, all I have to do is take care of this particular body, today, and un-learn and un-know whatever I think has to happen to make things holy around here.

Love,
Grace
P.S. I eat papaya, mango, banana, honeydew, watermelon, sticky rice and meat on a stick almost every meal, it seems. OMG where are the green vegetables? “I’m supposed to eat tons of raw green veggies every day.” IS IT TRUE?
P.P.S. If you’re ready to question your stressful thoughts about food and eating, we start an 8 week telecourse soon on this topic–check out the website www.workwithgrace.com

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I Have To Diet To Be Thin

I was thinking the other day about Obedience.

This was after reading an article on disordered eating and the quest some individuals have for thinness. The author of the article discovered some sense within herself of being obedient when she tried to be “thin”.

Of course it seems like there are many reasons for the desire to be thin: the collective culture in which we live appears to love it, our mom or dad talked of it as an important goal, it might be healthier, we could look attractive to potential sexual partners, we might appear “powerful” on stage or in front of a crowd, blah blah blah.

These are all quite amazing to question, to see if you really think any of them are absolutely true.

Even if you find they are not true, you may still find the desire smouldering in you to be thinner than you are, to hold on the thinness you’ve achieved, or to be proud of how thin you’ve become.

Good grief! Can you imagine not caring about how thin or fat you actually are?

RING THE ALARM BELLS! This would lead to disaster!!

Sometimes even after we’ve questioned our reasons for being thin, or anything else that seems to be desirable for that matter (money, love, sex, success, enlightenment) it is difficult to find who we would really be without the thought.

We think that without vigilance or commitment, even if its stressful, we will fail. We will be big fatsos, or neglectful parents, or lazy unemployed low-achievers, or single forever.

If I didn’t care about being thin, making money, or having a partner, I would break the rules, move out of the boundaries I’ve always believed in, I would blow up like a blimp, be a loser, and no one would like me.

But can you really know that this is true?

Do you KNOW that you need to believe something stressful, that you don’t REALLY believe in, in order to stay motivated and be happy? Does that even make sense?

Long ago, I canned the diets forever. I knew that feeling like I was in prison was not the way to happiness.

Do you want to obey the commands of others around you, or society, or the rumors you’ve heard that thin is better than fat? Rich is better than poor? Coupled is better than single?

(And of course, they are not commands….it’s all in the perceptions of the one who is looking).

Long ago, I read Fat Is A Feminist Issue by Susie Orbach. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but the title alone was enough. I passed the book on many years ago, but I know that I recognized a possibility that the messages I heard around me were actually very painful, and untrue.

Sometimes a true “diet” is saying “no” to the general accepted norm.

A wonderful client, who does not have eating issues of any kind, reminded me of Susie’s book awhile back, and how it nipped the worry about her food in the bud at an early age.

She didn’t want to feel like she was obeying anything when it came to eating, except her own body’s wisdom, her own mind’s wisdom.

Who would you be without the thought that weighing this number is better than weighing that number? Who would you be without the thought that you should eat vegetables and avoid sugar? Who would you be without the thought that people will not think you’re cool or powerful unless you’re thin?

If you really think you’d eat candy all day long and become a recluse…there is wonderful work to do.

You might question that you are your own worst enemy.

Pema Chodron speaks of renunciation, a term used by many teachers in many religions. Kind and loving renunciation is not passive. It is not a voice that says “great, I am against diets so I will eat and eat all day long, who cares”.

It is a clear, focused way. An awareness of the self. It gathers information from others, from doctors, nutritionists, books, and then waits to see how it lines up internally.

“Even though you’ve dropped your agenda, even though you are trying to work WITH situations instead of struggling AGAINST them, nevertheless you may have to say, ‘You can stay here tonight, but tomorrow you’re going, and if you don’t get out of here, I am calling the police.’ You don’t really know what’s going to benefit somebody, but it doesn’t benefit anybody to allow someone to beat you up, eat all your food, and put you out on the street.”~Pema Chodron

You know already in your heart what is of benefit for you, and what is not, what brings freedom and what brings imprisonment. You may sometimes benefit in questioning those bickering internal voices, and telling them to go by not believing them.

Today I seem to make a green smoothie every single morning for breakfast, with an entire head of raw broccoli and kale leaves of all kinds, or spinach, and ground flax seeds and banana and other ingredients. This has been going on for a long while now, like 5 or 6 months.

I have no agenda. I don’t know why not to do it at this point.

“I’ve heard people say that they cling to their painful thoughts because they’re afraid that without them they wouldn’t be activists for peace. “If I feel peaceful,” they say, “why would I bother taking action at all?” My answer is “Because that’s what love does.”  To think that we need sadness or outrage to motivate us to do what’s right is insane. As if the clearer and happier you get, the less kind you become. As if when someone finds freedom, she just sits around all day wiith drool running down her chin. My experience is the opposite. Love is action.” ~ Byron Katie

I say, find out who you are without the thought that you “have to” be an activist or take action or go on a diet or get a job. You could be amazed at the love, energy, and behavior that comes out of you.

And you might wind up thin.

Love, Grace

P.S. The next Horrible Food Wonderful Food begins June 11th.

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I Won’t Change Unless I Loathe Myself

This week I’ve talked with three wonderful people of very different ages and walks of life, all of whom wanted to do a session around their food, eating and body image troubles.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve had one year of unhappy eating, or a lifetime of unhappy eating…it’s painful, and that word “painful” doesn’t really sum it up.

I remember my battle with food. It was violent, crushing, despairing. I wanted to kill myself rather than live with such agony about what was “right” or “wrong” or “good” or “bad” about food.

One angel that I found to help me was author Geneen Roth. She had experienced similar violence and despair in this basic necessity of life: eating. She had been an 80 pound anorexic and a very heavy compulsive over-eater.

To the “normal” eater, being compulsive about food and eating can look extremely strange. Heck, it even looks strange to those of us with so-called abnormal relationships with food.

One of my favorite beliefs to question, way back when I first read Geneen’s book on recovering from emotional eating in the 1980s, was that I needed to control what I ate.

She wrote that if she continued to believe that she needed to control her weight, control her eating, control the content of her food…that she would, in fact, kill herself.

She said “Give up dieting. Period.”

I knew what she was saying was right for me. Because I hated with a passion all the diets anyway. I hated the fear and anxiety, the hunger, the attempt at perfection, and I hated weighing myself. I hated caring so much about what I weighed.

I knew that being thin did not offer happiness. I held onto that for a couple of years, almost anorexic, running cross-country competitively in college (briefly). I KNEW that forcing or controlling the food I ate was not joy. Over-eating was not joy, under-eating was not joy.

Recently I was remembering with a very good friend a time within the last decade when I threw myself more passionately into exercise, dance, biking, moving. My clothes got loose. I got compliments from people.

It was a kind of giddy, changing time. Divorce, rapid change, awareness, opening mind. I could eat snacks all day long and never cook and do whatever I wanted. I got extra light and airy.

But anything out of balance does not last. That body was not perfectly at peace at that time. It didn’t breathe deeply. And the energy shifted and slowly my clothes fit just right again. Who knows what the weight difference was, I don’t really know.

This kind of freedom to be whatever I am in the moment was unheard of in my past. Oh no. Always Something Wrong. Always Something To Improve. Always Thinner Is Better.

But I got a little whiff of freedom when reading Geneen Roth so many years ago. I knew this whole entire eating business was deeper than I thought.

I knew I could question “there is something WRONG with me” because I go on these frantic binges.

With a binge, I would believe: I loathe myself, I am worthless, I am immature, I am ridiculous, I am sick, I am pointless, I’m a freak.

I imagined that if I really believed I was OK, then I would keep binge-eating like a maniac out of control forever. All that self-hate was necessary for me to CHANGE.

If I didn’t hate myself, I wouldn’t even TRY to change, right?

Love myself? Impossible!

“Not wanting to change what is becomes a state of mind that is literally unimaginable. There’s no sacrifice in it, no deprivation–quite the opposite, in fact. It means to gain everything, the everything that is already yours, and the effect is peace. People who use The Work at home as a practice tell me that they find their own freedom. There is such joy in that, such peace, and it’s a story that can’t be told.”~Byron Katie

Can you imagine NOT wanting to change anything about food? Just let it be there?

Can you imagine closing your eyes and asking yourself, as if you are a little beautiful gorgeous precious being, if you are hungry or not, and exactly what you feel like eating?

Can you imagine waiting, taking a deep breath, slowing everything down, and giving up the idea that you better control yourself, or else?

Can you imagine not being surrounded by rules about food, or thinness, or fatness, and just seeing what is actually true for you only?

“The infinite is not somewhere else waiting for us to become worthy”. ~Tony Parsons

If you want to come explore your beliefs that you’ve repeated to yourself about foods, eating, your weight, thinness, and fatness, hunger and fullness….then join the teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food that starts next Friday Jan. 18th at noon Pacific time. 8 weeks (no class 2/22).

I Haven’t Enjoyed A Meal For Twenty Years, Until Now:  Dear Grace, I had nice Thai food yesterday and caught myself thinking afterwards: I REALLY enjoyed this meal. Nothing more, nothing less. I can’t recall any time in the past 20 years when I had a thought like that. Thank you.~LP, teleclass participant 

Opening Up By Looking At Food:  So grateful for this whole process…the group…other people’s stories, friends, experiences, learning, so curious, relieved as I see food/eating opening up before my very eyes…~JB teleclass participant 

Love, Grace

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I Really Should Be Thinner

Not all you wonderful readers have had the privilege of hearing some of my beliefs about cellulite, wrinkles, aching knees, loose skin or gas.

Doh! So unspiritual! So unenlightened! So superficial, ridiculous, silly, petty, childish, and stupid!

What…me? I would NEVER have a thought about such trivial occurrences as these. I would never have stressful beliefs about thinness or jiggling body parts.

It only used to run my whole life practically, starting around age 14. And occasionally these kinds of thoughts pop back by for a visit.

I needed to be thinner, smoother, less bumpy, tighter, more muscular, stronger, defined, angular. And never smell bad, either.

A wonderful inquirer reminded me the other day that many people walk around thinking that they need to be thinner, several times a day or more, and that it is very stressful.

It’s almost as if we believe it would suck if we didn’t have the thought that something needs to change. Because then, we’d be wallowing in a pile of passivity, non-motivation, and apathy. Resigned, not trying. Never getting there. And fat. Or certainly not thin enough.

Pain Makes Gain. Right? I feel pain when I look in the mirror, or I feel stuffed after a meal and nauseated, or I have a god-awful hangover…and this pain slaps me around and makes me want to wake up and do something different. That pain gives me motivation to CHANGE…..right?

Well, have you noticed how many times you’ve thought mean, nasty, ugly thoughts about yourself and your condition or situation? But no change happened?

If it WORKED to be self-critical, then it seems like it would have gotten you skinny by now, or sober, or successful, or rich.

Oh. Right.

There is another way. And it’s not “positive thinking” either. Because that would just be a fakey, rah-rah, cheerleading sort of approach which still assumes that you need to be pumped up and LOVE yourself to get somewhere. To get thin.

The greatest doorway to freedom for me has been, instead of condemning myself to long-term punishment, to look with depth at what I am really thinking repeatedly and finding out what is going on in those moments.

This is gettin’ down and dirty with the ugly, immature, stupid beliefs.

The belief “I should be thinner” can be mildly annoying or really sickeningly painful and very, very old.

Let’s look at it. First of all, can you absolutely know that it’s true? YES YES YES!! Screams from the balcony, the stadium, your family, your mirror, your grandparents, all the way from Hollywood! OMG of COURSE you should be thinner, are you kidding me?!!

Really ask again. I mean, in the big scheme of things beyond all this, can you know without a doubt that right now you should be thinner? You may still answer yes. That’s good….you thought about it for real, instead of just assuming it’s true.

You see how you react when you believe this thought: irritable, you make dieting plans, you despair of dieting plans, you try to ignore the thought, you hate yourself, you’re disgusted, you try to forget about it, you say “it’s not THAT bad”, you consider yourself superficial, you get tired just thinking about what you would have to do to get there. Starve and exert more energy.

And then…who would you be without the thought in your mind at all? Like other parts of the day when you’re not even thinking about it? Maybe you would notice that there are some other disturbing thoughts present. Some big ones that feel a little more foreboding.

You might notice that you could ask yourself a little more deeply WHY you should be thinner. I mean, what’s the problem here?

I should be thinner because then…WHY? My lover will stay with me, my spouse will never leave me, my friends will admire me, my boss and co-workers will be amazed by me, everyone will be attracted to me, my health will be superb, I won’t have “x” disease, I will feel fabulous, I will get more sex, I will have more energy, I will be more successful, I will make more money, I will be more secure, I will look stronger and younger which means people will find me appealing, I will stop having to think about this. Ever.

Phew. That’s a lot to put on thinness.

When we turn the thought around it becomes: my THINKING should be thinner….I mean really. I’ve believed that thinness meant so very much, the thinking has been thick and profuse and chaotic and fast. Yes, my thinking should slow down, relax and thin itself out.

Another turnaround is: I should NOT be thinner, I should be just the size I am. What if you allowed everything to be about your body, right now? What if you closed your eyes and just felt this body, and treated it kindly, without looking at it or caring how it turned out? Isn’t that what we all really want? Total freedom?

“I once worked with a woman in Jerusalem. Her religion was ‘I should have thin thighs’; she thought that’s what would give her what she wanted in life. She was the cutest! And she just wasn’t willing to do The Work; she couldn’t go inside for an honest answer, because she was terrified that if she answered honestly, she’d end up with fat thighs. She thought she needed fear as a motivation to exercise and eat right. It was obvious she preferred thin thighs to freedom.”~Byron Katie

When I began to realize that I don’t, in fact, actually care if I am thin or fat or round or sharp-edged…and what I really really want is the truth….then I became free to live in peace. To not grab for things when I’m not hungry (that isn’t the truth) and not force myself NOT to eat when I AM hungry (that isn’t the truth).

Simply being gentle with myself, moment to moment, at meals, with food, eating, tasting, smelling, hunger, fullness, slowing down. Not panicking or judging it as wrong. Waiting, breathing. Questioning other painful, difficult beliefs. Knowing I can “live” through any troubling or strong emotion.

I discovered what I used to believe thinness was going to bring me: love, joy, fun, pleasure, admiration, approval. Only all of these, already here. For myself. Whatever the weight.

The wonderful news is: you don’t have to be in 100% all-out full blown joy, love, pleasure and approval ALL THE TIME to be free from the burden of thinking about your weight.

All you need is a tiny drop of inquiry, willingness to drop your religion about the body and its appearance, and you will gently wake up.

That mundane, stupid, ridiculous series of beliefs about thinness that I had for years and years? They were my path to freedom.

“When they believe their thoughts, people divide reality into opposites. They think that only certain things are beautiful. But to a clear mind, everything in the world is beautiful in its own way.”~Byron Katie

If you want to take a closer look, come to a weekend in Seattle in January on questioning your judgments about food and your appearance….or come to Breitenbush Hotsprings next June 2013. Maybe it’s time to end this war?

Love, Grace

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. $215. To register click HERE now and then send me an email grace@workwithgrace.com.

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June 2013! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these Grace Notes articles and announcements. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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Eat, Sleep and Cry, Oh My!

A lovely inquirer and reader wrote to me this past weekend. She had a common dilemma. One I experienced frequently in the past, from even before I knew about the simple steps of The Work.

“I want to know how to find the thought that makes me want to EAT, SLEEP AND CRY right now!”

There I would be, overwhelmed with feeling, wanting to shut down, disappear, sleep, desiring freedom, peace, anxious, annoyed, flustered, confused.

Oh boy, ingesting something would be good right now, shift the energy for sure.

What do we humans do when we feel confused or overwhelmed?

We can start from the most simple place. It seems difficult to find the thought(s). But that itself can be such a trap.

  • I have to find the perfect thought to question
  • I can’t find any stressful beliefs right now
  • There is a thought here that is disturbing, but I don’t know what it is
  • I feel like drinking, eating, sleeping, zoning out, watching TV, escaping
  • I can’t identify anything I am thinking except that I want to change, right now!
  • I am confused
  • This is terrible, I hate feeling this way
  • I can’t stand this

Confusion itself can have about a million stressful, negative, painful thoughts associated with it. So the internal process blossoms from a little hum into a five-piece quintet, into a full blown symphony. In about 10 seconds.

Byron Katie says that the way we can tell that something is bothering us, is that we feel stress, and when we feel stress, we are believing something that IS NOT ACTUALLY TRUE for us. So, stress = believing untrue thoughts.

The more stress, the more I know I am repeating thoughts inside my own mind in my own story that if examined, I discover I don’t actually believe afterall.

It gets louder when I am repeating thoughts more frequently, without questioning them, that are not true for me.

If you are used to pounding yourself with untrue thoughts, without questioning them, then you get used to the process of experiencing a kind of zero-to-1000 MPH in less than 60 seconds, much faster than any vehicle. Rocket speed!

So I wrote back to the reader, and I suggested she write down whatever she was thinking, for 15 minutes if at all possible, but if she could only do it for three, then that is good enough.

I am someone who tried EVERYTHING to get some immediate relief from busy stressful thinking. A junkie for relief. I was confused and upset…but I also did NOT want to work.

Why? Because I didn’t think I really had good answers to the questions offered for self-inquiry. I didn’t think I was good enough, powerful enough, interesting enough.

I didn’t think that finding my own way through the jungle would actually lead me anywhere. My view of myself was pretty twisted. I’m a rebellious loser. Too smart for my own good. Too egotistical. Too blind.

I thought I needed help, I thought I was in need of additional input. So that kept me looking Out There for answers. I thought they would be quicker.

The thing is, the answers and authors and teachers I encountered that I felt positive about, and even the ones I didn’t, all led me back to….ME.

But wait, I am the loser who is less-than-perfect who is trying to find answers. Jeez! I hate this Loopy Cycle!

Forget all that. Or even if you can’t forget (not a problem really, overall) then just take only this moment and see if you can trust that whatever is going on in your mind is not Beyond Confusion, or impossible, or hopeless.

It’s just there, being the thinking-feeling-machine trying to do its job.

Here in this moment, it is good enough. It is enough. You can write. You can put some of your numerous stressful beliefs down on paper. Only do it for 60 seconds if that’s all you can dream of doing. Before you go drink or eat or smoke, even better.

These thoughts are GOLD. They may look boring, stupid, ridiculous, horrifying, mean, vicious or despairing. But let that voice have its say anyway.

Then, you will have what you are thinking right there in the moment. You can go backwards into what you were thinking 10 minutes before you started feeling most overwhelmed. What about an hour before, or earlier in the day?

Did anything happen that threatened your peace? Did you remember something? Did someone say something that was bothersome?

Let yourself write whatever comes along in that stressful moment. “I’m lonely, I hate my life, I need more money, he shouldn’t have looked at me like that, she doesn’t like me, the weather is terrible, the floor needs to be vacuumed, no one helps around here, it would be better with a life-partner, this is boring, I’m too fat, I should exercise more, I don’t take care of myself…” 

Then begin to investigate. I just want to eat, sleep and cry right now…and this is terrible. I’m too confused. I don’t know where to begin.

Is that true? Who would you be without that thought?

If you need help with this process, or a boost, or tune-up, or want to spend some time on that one particular relationship that’s really bugging you, come to the all day event on December 1st. Of course, you’ll be pointed back to YOU. To register click HERE.

“There’s no place, there’s no dark hole you can go into, where inquiry won’t follow. Inquiry lives inside you if you nurture it for a while. The it takes on its own life and automatically nurtures you. And you’re never given more pain than you can handle. You never, ever get more than you can take. That’s a promise.”~Byron Katie

Much love, Grace

Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven In-Person Intensive Seattle 12/1 10 am – 6 pm.

Horrible Food Wonderful Food Weekend In-Person Intensive Seattle January 12-13, 2013 Saturday 10 – 5:30, Sunday 1:30-5:30. To register for either weekend workshop, click here!Fill in the workshop fee after you click the Buy button at the bottom of the page. You can use paypal or any credit card (you don’t need a paypal account).

Mark your calendar for Breitenbush, the end of June! We will be looking at all aspects of what we consider to be flaws in the body, and Un-doing our beliefs about them. Stay tuned if you’d like to join me and Susan Grace Beekman from June 26-30, 2013. You can change your internal beliefs about what you think bodies should be like….and change your entire experience of being in yours.

If you like this article, forward it to friends, family or colleagues. To get on the list to receive these directly via email, go to www.workwithgrace.com and enter your email in the sidebar. Your email will not be sold or used for any other purpose than these articles and announcements for Work With Grace. You can Unsubscribe at any time by clicking at the bottom of any newsletter.

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What Is The Advantage of This Sucky Thing?

When I was 19 I went to my first therapist. Arranged by my parents. “You need help”.

My parents didn’t know how to help me, but they truly believed there had to be a way. They may have been very worried and had many stressful thoughts about me, but they also had the thought that any human being is capable of finding happiness, and stability.

I knew it too. I remember thinking, in the middle of extreme suffering and wondering if it was worth living, that I just HAD to be born with the same abilities as the next human to achieve peace or balance.

Part of me was extremely determined to reach enlightenment, or die trying. Like the Little Engine That Could “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can…”

In fact, it isn’t possible that a human being would be born with the absolute inability to achieve happiness or peace.

Even Hitler, Vincent VanGogh, or your mean grandma.

But for some of us humans, we’re caught in the mine fields of fear, hatred, defense or sadness. Believing that there isn’t a way out, we’re trapped, stuck, hopeless.

If it goes on for awhile in time, we think of it as lasting forever, even more hopeless.

For me, that first extreme depression in my teens led to me dropping out of college, becoming totally OCD with food and eating (turning into a borderline anorexic) and then struggling with bulimic episodes for a decade.

It seemed like the worst of times. If you had asked me the honest truth, in my opinion, about whether or not I was happy and peaceful, I might have told you “NEVER! I am NEVER happy or peaceful!!”

But that was actually not true.

Here we are in this world, floating around on a big ball of rock, living our lives, and we may have the idea that we aren’t having a particularly good or amazing life all the time. We may really believe that we need help.

I have found this kind of moment, having the thought that I’m a mess, a wreck, I don’t like this situation, I don’t like being here, I need help, to be an amazing time to do The Work.

This means questioning a stressful belief like “I can’t find peace” or “I am not capable of getting out of THIS” or “I can’t heal or help myself”.

First question: Is that true? Really absolutely 100% beyond a shadow of a doubt true that you have no way to get to peace? That you are not capable of getting beyond your situation? Or that you can’t get help or find healing?

If nothing changed, if you did nothing, if you just stopped worrying about what that person said, or your lack of help, or your inability to heal or find peace….what would that be like?

Who would you be without the thought that you need to find something that gets you peaceful? Who would you be without the thought that you don’t have what it takes to be truly happy right now?

Back when I was 19 I might have had the thoughts that I needed help, was not peaceful, and was deeply screwed up somehow…but I also can find examples of how all the opposite was also true: I am receiving help all the time, from the whole world, from my life. There is a part of me that is entirely peaceful no matter what is going on. I am healing, I am capable of getting beyond my situation. I am moving into balance. Even if things feel traumatic or worrisome, or destructive…there is peace, freedom and creativity here. Anything is possible.

Here at age 51 now, I find how amazing it was to experience disordered eating. Wow, that was extreme!! It forced me awake.

It was incredible to drop out of college, go to therapy with the help of my very loving parents, and begin to study life and freedom that has taken me into a spectacular journey.

“Life creates situations that push you to your edges, all with the effect of removing what is blocked inside of you.”~Michael Singer

The advantages to having such depression, addiction, and pain in my past was that I answered a call from the universe, God, the Tao to come to the middle of the storm, find the eye in the center, un-do my belief system that wasn’t working.

You are getting unblocked, no matter what your mind is telling you about your situation. Find out what is good about it.