Category: Trouble With Food and Eating

Posted on

Food Nightmares? Free Guide To Peaceful Eating

As you probably know, one of my most difficult relationships was with food, eating and body image in my teen years and all of my 20s and into my 30s.

Really….it was my relationship with my own mind that was rough. I was brutal!

I thought being mean would incite change.

I didn’t realize that love and compassion for myself, without attempting to change, would bring so much MORE change than anything I had tried.

If you are someone who would like to be on a separate email list for announcements and programs for people wanting to investigate their relationship with food….

…then I have a gift for you.

Click on this link HERE, and you can download a free E-Guide I’ve written to help people get started with using self-inquiry and internal questioning to understand and heal their painful behaviors with food.

When you get the guide, you’ll be added to the email list for Peaceful Eating that’s separate from daily Grace Notes.

You may have had bulimic episodes, or been anorexic, or you may have had great tension and sadness, weight gain and loss, and anger with the state of your relationship with food.

Anyone on this list will receive occasional updates on upcoming new programs or opportunities.

There are two teleclasses in January—one a new one for investigating bulimia and the binge/purge cycle using self-inquiry—one for examining the relationship to food…and also the first weekend in April 2014 in Seattle the Horrible Food Wonderful Food weekend!

If this is not an area of tension for you, then please forward this to anyone you think might benefit.

“When you’re operating on uninvestigated theories of what’s going on and you aren’t even aware of it, you’re in what I call “the dream.” Often the dream becomes troubling; sometimes it even turns into a nightmare. At times like these, you may want to test the truth of your theories by doing The Work on them. The Work always leaves you with less of your uncomfortable story. Who would you be without it? How much of your world is made up of unexamined stories? You’ll never know until you inquire.” ~ Byron Katie

If you or anyone you know is interested in dissolving your nightmare with food, eating, weight and you want to receive updates on this topic, click HERE.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

The Hook Before The Fall

Quick announcement: If you are interested, or know someone who would be, in working with me in a small group to investigate bulimia or painful binge-purge eating, then I am offering a program for the first time for those with this type of disordered eating.

We’ll meet on Wednesdays, January 8th from 9-10:30 am Pacific Time and meet for 8 weeks. Send me a quick reply to this email and I’ll give you all the details. You can see for yourself if its right for you to participate.

*****

In so many ways, any one addiction is like every other addiction. People have their favorites, their specialties, the ones that “work” for them or that they are drawn to or trapped in.

But you don’t really call it an addiction until you see it does NOT actually work, it’s harmful, it’s a mixed love/hate kind of experience.

For me, I either ate food, smoked tobacco, or drank alcohol…or worried, obsessed, grew more and more fearful.

I remember the feeling right in the moment of moving towards the activity, even though I swore I wouldn’t do it again.

These were my thoughts:

  • I don’t care, I need this
  • I’d feel desperate (or irritated, angry, scared) without this “x”
  • there is no love, kindness, safety, power, rest, entertainment or care for me here now
  • it doesn’t matter what happens later
  • I’ll stop doing this tomorrow
  • I hate this feeling
  • I must satisfy this craving

It appears that there is a moment of discomfort, whether extreme or mild, or a painful idea or memory. Then comes anxiety, loneliness, pressure, wanting to relax, anger, mystery, emptiness, self-criticism, fear, craving, self-doubt, worry, sadness….

….and then these thoughts to ease that feeling, change the feeling, ASAP.

I know it all seems to happen very, very fast. Almost unconsciously. It begins to happen in the snap of a finger.

So let’s question the thoughts.

Is it true that you need to do this? Is it true that this feeling won’t end unless you do your activity (drink, smoke, eat, internet, phone, emails, shop, spend, TV, contact “x”)?

Is it true that you should control this feeling, this craving, or that it is too big for you right now?

Yes, it certainly felt that way. Overwhelming feelings, a pull like a gravitational force, like a wave that has to crash on the sand.

Can you absolutely know it’s true that you need to do this? That this moment and the feelings in it are too big right now?

No. Something feels right also about NOT engaging in this behavior. I know other people who don’t do it, and they’re fine.

Are you sure you’re powerless? Are you sure you’re not safe? Are you sure you’re not loved? Are you sure you can’t rest?

No.

How do you react when you think the thought that you need to do this thing that also hurts you? What happens?

I scream at myself in my own head. I feel scared, nervous, unhappy, alone. Against some parts of my life. I feel like giving up. I think it doesn’t matter anyway.

I call myself a loser.

But who would you be without the thought that this feeling is terrible? That you can’t handle this moment? That this is too uncomfortable? That you’re completely powerless (in a bad way)? That you need to go do that thing, get that food, drink that alcohol, smoke that cigarette, surf the internet?

Who would you be without the thought that there is no love, safety, rest, power, comfort and connection for you right here, right now?

Pause to see.

Without the thought “I need to do this”?

I might stop. I might cry. I might call someone for true, honest, intimate connection. I might lie down, rest, listen. I might punch a pillow and yell, or go on a walk. I might be silent.

I turn the beliefs around.

  • I do care, I don’t need to do this
  • I will feel desperate (or irritated, angry, scared) with this “x”
  • there is love, kindness, safety, power, rest, entertainment or care for me here now…how could I access it or receive it?
  • it does matter what happens later
  • I will stop doing this now (or, I will not stop doing this tomorrow)
  • I love/accept this feeling, I can stay with it, open to it
  • I must not satisfy this craving, this craving will end without me
“Nobody chooses dysfunction, conflict, pain. Nobody chooses insanity. This happens because there is not enough presence in you to dissolve the past…You are not fully here.” ~ Eckhart Tolle 

 

“An uncomfortable feeling is not an enemy. It’s a gift that says, ‘Get honest; inquire.’ We reach out for alcohol, or television, or credit cards, so we can focus out there and not have to look at the feeling. And that’s as it should be, because in our innocence we haven’t known how. So now what we can do is reach out for a paper and a pencil, write thought down, and investigate.

Just hit reply if you’re interested in the 8 week teleclass to take a deep dive into the greater extremes of painful eating, binge-purge cycles, bulimia or over-exercising.

And whatever your go-to relief is that doesn’t provide deep rest…question your thoughts about what isn’t possible for you.

If I could have the addictive cycle fall away, without violence against myself, or rules, or discipline…..so can you, so can you.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

The Scale And Your Worth

The Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass is underway right now. One dear participant mentioned something to me that I have heard many times before.

I sometimes suggest that people give up their bathroom scales….you know, the ones that calculate body weight. She said, “I could never give up my scale, I have to weigh myself twice a day.”

Measuring things can be incredibly powerful. Documenting, looking, examining, surveying, gathering data. These are invaluable for studying information, analyzing. Especially when you are totally uncertain about how something works.

It’s so amazing to have ways to track something over time that may not be entirely conscious. Like lets say a scientist is studying a brand new species of insect. She could open her computer and write down every hour what is happening, as she watches through a camera the insect’s behaviors in its habitat.

But if the scientist has gathered information for a year, and has tracked the whole lifecycle of the insects several times….but then can’t stop documenting that insect’s behavior…it could be a little weird, right?

The problem with the scale situation is of course not the scale, but the lack of deep inner trust around eating and weight. The belief for me was “I do not understand my weight fluctuation, therefore, I must measure it constantly….otherwise, I might grow heavier and not even realize it!!!”

I used to feel extremely anxious if I didn’t have access to a scale. And then, I felt extremely anxious if I DID have access to a scale.

The thought I had way back when I had a scale was that if I saw the number was too high, it would alarm me and push me towards weight-loss strategies. If I saw the number was low, then I could feel happy and proud for being a “good” weight.

I believed I needed a measuring device, that I couldn’t feel deeply what was right for me on the inside.

Last week when I was at the hospital in the surgery pavilion, before I was sent to change my clothes into the hospital gown and before the kind nurse put in the IV into the back of my hand, they had me go to the scale.

I watched the electronic bright red numbers speeding by and balancing out to the exact ounce. I remembered the way I used to feel in this waiting half-second “Oh I hope it’s going to land on a good weight and give me good news!”

It was about the exact same number I’ve been mostly for my adult life, but for a flash I thought “isn’t that amazing”.

Still the same. Without trying for it, wanting it, setting it as a goal, or caring about it. Amazing, because I once thought I needed to run this whole food, eating, weight situation!

I remembered when I used to want the scale to say that number, when I had an eating disorder and my weight fluctuated up and down a bit.

I used to strive for that number, wish for that number. Just tell me what to eat so I can always have that number.

Then I threw away my scale, because I used it too often and for the wrong reasons: to feel good or feel bad. I let the scale tell me what kind of person I was. I didn’t want that from a piece of metal that measured weight. I wanted to be good no matter what.

Is it true that the amount you weigh means you are good, or bad? Worthy or unworthy? Lovable or Not Lovable? Attractive or Unattractive?

Long ago, I found the answer was “NO”. Even though I had been acting like it was “YES”.

Who was I when I believed that my weight had something to do with my character, my lovableness, my worthiness, my power, my strength, my attractiveness?

Horribly obsessed with weight. Angry. Hungry. Overeating. Undereating. Calculating, planning and trying to control food.

Jumping on the scale every day, and at the gym, and in other places where scales were sitting around.

Who was I without the thoughts that without a scale, I can’t be trusted, that my weight MEANS good/bad, lovable/repulsive, worthy/unattractive?

Open to another way. Open to not knowing. Relaxing, resting at a most deep level, slowing down. Not planning.

Taking a deep breath. Eating and noticing the flavors, the beauty, the texture.

Practicing feeling Joy, Quiet and Peace in the presence of food, or mirrors, or scales.

Living the turnaround. Turning towards the light, the inner light.  

“Enlightenment is to be totally Un-Self-Concious, Un-Ego-Conscious. It’s to be free of self-reflection. Isn’t it the biggest bain on humanity to be always reflecting on oneself? ‘How am I doing, I like it, I hate it, this is hard, my life’s difficult’. Constant reflection…..I’ve never met anybody who was addicted to anything who was ever able to get beyond it until they really saw and came to grips with ‘this is not working’.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

P.S. 8 week teleclass on food/eating starts again on January 15, and the Year of Inquiry for the Addictive Mind YOI starts on January 10th.

Posted on

I Need To Lose It!

Yesterday morning the Horrible Food Wonderful Food telegroup met for the second time in our series of 8.

Even though I have taught that teleclass almost 20 times now, and of course people question this common stressful belief I’m about to tell you…I find it fascinating to explore.

I need to lose weight.

Now, before you think “that’s not me, I can’t relate to this stressful belief!” take a moment to think about ANYTHING you repeatedly tell yourself you need to “lose” or “get rid of”.

It’s a mega-list to that Voice that is hyper-critical.

  • I need to get rid of my household junk
  • I need to lose my low confidence
  • I need to clean out my closets
  • I need to get rid of my anxiety
  • I need to get rid of this friend/partner/boss/employee
  • I need to lose my anger
  • I need to lose my scarcity or my negative thinking

The burden of having these thoughts, and feeling like the item/energy/result is NOT going away, is very “weighty”.

And it seems like thinking these thoughts, and believing them whole-heartedly, does not make it happen.

So let’s look at something you think you need to lose, and see if it’s absolutely true.

Is it? Are you absolutely positive you need to lose weight? Or something else?

Wow, maybe you need to lose that sickness, or that injured hamstring (d-oh!), or this head cold, or that nasty neighbor.

It is soooo true! I need to lose it!

Life would be much better if I lost it!

OK, so you’re positive you need to lose weight, or that other thing or person.

How do you react when you believe that thought?

Plans, plans, plans of attack for getting rid of this thing. I’ll put a lock on the refrigerator, I’ll go on a diet, I’ll feel depressed and sad, I’ll avoid contacting that person, I’ll quit my job, I’ll see if I can find someone who can help me get rid of it.

I’ll go to the ends of the earth trying.

When I believe the thought, I feel tense, afraid, very nervous, angry. I keep thinking about how I need to lose it. I think about it over and over. I make a new plan.

But what a wonderful question: who would you be without the thought that you need to lose this thing, lose this weight, this person, this injury, this hardship, this situation?

Wow.

Yesterday, people in the telegroup were imagining not having the thought that they need to lose weight for the first time since childhood.

They said “I would be free.” “I would have so much TIME!” “I would feel open, curious, lighter, exposed.” “I wouldn’t censor myself!” “I would be connected to my true nature.”

If I noticed I need to lose some clutter in my closet, but without a depressed or unhappy feeling…I would start to go through the stuff there, and put some of it in boxes for Goodwill.

If I noticed I need to lose some of my anger, or negative thinking, or someone I’m not enjoying or afraid of….I do The Work, I find out more deeply what bothers me about them or it, that I think I need to lose it.

What would I really have, if I lost it? Peace? Courage? Happiness?

Am I sure I couldn’t have that right now, even though this thing, this sickness, this person, this weight…is here?

Turning the thought around, we sat with the liberating idea: I don’t need to lose weight. MY THINKING needs to lose weight.

“It makes life extremely difficult when you call what you’re doing ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, or ‘unnecessary’–when you belittle it after it has been done. To compare what you’ve done to what you shoud have done, to think that you need to measure up to some external standard, is a difficult path. What is, is always the way it’s supposed to be right now…” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

Posted on

The Gentle Overcomes The Rigid

This morning a lovely group of inquirers joined together on the phone to begin an 8 week investigation of our relationship with food, eating and our bodies.

Anyone who shows up to do The Work to look at painful beliefs about food and eating, has usually gone through one heck of a lot with dieting, weight, binge eating, starving.

Because there are a lot of tempting, enticing solutions to this problem with food and eating out there that seem a little easier, clearer, or simpler than questioning your beliefs about food.

There are diet books, diet groups, exercise training programs, meal plans, nutrition coaches. 

And many of them are scientifically sound, really balanced “eating” programs, and of course truly awesome people that help. They seem like doing them will offer THE ANSWER we’re looking for.

When I follow that program, or that diet, that activity…I will succeed. My food problem will be eliminated. Finally.

I remember long ago one day, driving my little Honda car given to me by my parents for college graduation (it took me an extra two years to graduate with my bachelors degree because of my violent relationship with food). 

I had done therapy both individually and with my family, I had gone to O.A. (Overeaters Anonymous), I had failed many diets….and I had learned a whole lot. My binge-eating was going down in frequency. Not gone, but I felt better.

I felt the intense craving to eat that afternoon.

I had just been offered a job, after having a very successful interview. But I wasn’t really that happy. I felt scared, like I would make a mistake, like I wasn’t really qualified, like I had tricked them.

I wasn’t even sure I wanted the job. It was a 45 minute commute to drive there. 

I felt fat that afternoon. And trapped. Life with a regular 9-5 job sounded horrible. 

Which is very discouraging. Dang. I thought I had the eating thing under control. I thought it was over. 

As I drove away from that job offer, on the long drive home, visions of where I could stop to get food floated through my mind. I could feel the mounting urgency, and panic, the thought of tipping over into an eating frenzy. 

And then I passed Weight Watchers. A huge building, with a huge sign. It said there was a “special” sale on memberships.

Fifteen minutes later I was calling my parents from the Weight Watchers parking lot and asking to borrow the money to join. They were both on the phone.

There was silence on the other end of the line. 

My dad said, “Weight Watchers? But why now? Aren’t you trying to stop dieting sweetie? It’s not an emergency to join right now, right?”

After a few more minutes of discussion, when I realized they were saying NO, I hung up on them, furious.

I went to the next grocery store and bought a bunch of junk food and started eating through it like it was the last food on earth.

But I knew my parents were right. 

This wasn’t even about food.

You almost have to try at least one food and eating “program” to discover that there is still something unsettled inside you, something deep within, that doesn’t get “fixed” by changing your behavior.

Too bad, right? 

It would have been nice to have the Low Carb diet end all my problems with food, or Weight Watchers, or the South Beach diet. 

But alas…for some of us the programs or diets never quiet seemed to get rid of the difficult relationship with food and eating.

And there is nothing wrong with the programs—they can be awesome, helpful and educational. 

They just didn’t get to the core of the matter for me….my addictive, compulsive THINKING. 

There are solutions for fixing your money, your career, other addictions like alcohol, or your spiritual life….there are numerous programs offered that will help you “get there” to where you want to go.

Recently I heard a wonderful new friend, with experience in this department, say that sometimes, getting set up in a “program” or going on a diet is like mowing the lawn….and there are a lot of dandelions in the lawn. 

When you first mow, all the dandelions get cut, and the grass, and everything looks pretty dang good for a few days. Green and smooth. All cleaned up.

And then the dandelions start poking through, and we know, of course, that under the surface are weeds and roots and tangled up beliefs that we haven’t questioned yet. 

And they start to grow.

So the minute I felt afraid, insecure, and super discouraged about my life….like I did that day with getting a job….then here came the usual distraction.

Food entered in for me as an obsessive solution and problem all at the same time.

But if I could have had the Work at the time, my afternoon might have gone very differently. 

I might have recognized in that moment, when my thoughts were screaming “I have to eat food now!” or “I am trapped!” or “I am in danger” or “It has to go the way I want”….

….that I could PAUSE. 

I could ask if it was absolutely true, in that moment, that I was trapped, or that I absolutely had to eat. 

I might have been able to see that without those thoughts, I could sit still and look around. I could stop. 

I might have been able to question whether I really had to take a job I didn’t want…OR, that I wasn’t good enough to do that job. 

Turning the thoughts around, I could find where it was just as true, or truer, to believe the opposites of them all:

I don’t have to eat anything right now, I am free, I am safe, it is going the way I want. 

What if you held in your heart right now that there is nothing you must do, nothing you need to know that you don’t already have, that your mind is able to question and understand itself?

What if you give up helping yourself altogether, chasing for the right solution, to any problem…not just the “eating” problem?

Mysterious. New. Open.

“The soft overcomes the hard; the gentle overcomes the rigid. Everyone knows this is true, but few can put it into practice. Therefore the master remains serene in the midst of sorrow. Evil cannot enter his heart. Because he has given up helping, he is people’s greatest help. True words seem paradoxical.” ~ Tao Te Ching #78 

Love, Grace

Posted on

Question Your Thoughts About Food

There are 3 spots left for the Friday 8 week teleclass that starts in less than 2 days where we zone in on what we’re thinking and feeling about food and eating.

And we investigate. We’re just looking. No big expectations.

You might be saying “Jeez, where would I begin?! That’s a big topic….and a frustrating one. I want to think LESS about food, not MORE about it.”

I’ve found that the more irritating and long-lasting a problem has been (and mine was awful when it came to food and eating) the better it’s been to examine.

Like it had an important message for me. (It did).

What ARE some of those ways of thinking about eating and food that really don’t feel that great?

Here’s what I used to believe:

  • if I eat a lot, I’ll gain weight
  • if I binge, I’m evil, selfish and greedy
  • if I starve, I’m selfless, powerful and right
  • if I eat from the “bad” list of foods, I’ll pay for it, I’m bad
  • if I eat from the “good” list of foods, I earn points, I’m good
  • I must control my cravings
  • cravings are wildly powerful and impossible to control
  • I’ll always have cravings
  • thin is better than fat
  • I hate being too hungry or too full

That was only the beginning.

I also believed that eating made me feel better.

I thought eating could change my emotional state. It actually DID change it temporarily. Sort of.

If I felt better for just a wee bit, I always went back to feeling lonely, angry, sad or depressed…even after I got something to eat.

No amount of ice cream was ever enough, if I was in “that” mood. And pretty soon, the thing I had reached for to help me out (food) actually made me feel worse.

Rats.

Now, most of us know these days that diets don’t release us from our pain around food and eating.

Many of us have learned that dieting actually makes the pain around food or eating worse.

But throwing our hands up doesn’t work in the long run either.

Funny that it’s either give up or crack down. Other options aren’t spoken of or tried, or even considered.

But what if you could slow down….so very very slowly…so that in each moment of every day you were aware and in touch with an inner feeling that said when to eat and when to stop.

Because every person is born with that.

You already pretty much know that you do not need someone to come in and tell you what to eat, when to eat it, how to eat it, where to eat it. In fact, that’s impossible.

You don’t need to read another nutrition or diet book, unless that’s fun for you.

(I had fun learning new things about what I was eating and my body last summer that I never could have heard before, when I had a co-dependent, desperate, addictive relationship with food).

What if you could unravel your greatest fears, including fears about being fat, or greedy, or possessed, or powerless?

I love simply taking a look. Noticing.

Nothing more.

No other big weight-loss plans. No feeling that you need to be punished.

So if you’d like a group to do The Work with to see what’s going on under the surface of all your conflicting beliefs about food and eating….then what a great time to do it!

We’ll meet right up into the dark, wintry season full of holiday gatherings and food traditions.

Who would you be without the thought that you have a problem with food?

You may wonder who you’d be without having this “problem” with food or your weight, like maybe that’s weird to even imagine (I used to feel like all my problems were problems with food).

You may be worried. It’s not a lollipops-and-roses answer necessarily. Maybe it’s even disturbing…who would I be if I didn’t obsess or think about food? If I didn’t have this addictive pattern?

If you’d like to investigate…come join us.

It’s fascinating. It’s even fun.

“Something like food, or alcohol, or drugs, or sex, or working, or shopping, or whatever we do, which, perhaps in moderation would be very delightful–like eating, enjoying your food. In fact, in moderation there’s this deep appreciation of the taste, of the good fortune to have this in your life. But these things become imbued with an addictive quality because we empower them with the idea that they will bring us comfort. They will remove this unease.” ~ Pema Chodron

Our class meets November 1 – December 27 from 9 -10:30 am Pacific Time. It’s a great time for this “looking” at this time of year. Join me!

Click here to register.

Much love, Grace

Posted on

Question Your Thinking, Be Happy With Food

The other day I was waiting in line for lunch food at a deli. The day was bright and sunny, the sky clear, and many people murmuring and talking with one another.

The line was moving a bit slow, and in a non-introverted moment (shocking!) I said hello to the person behind me. She was a sweet woman and as we talked, she said she had lost 80 pounds, several years before. She was happy, and proud of herself, because she had kept all that weight off.

She was the cutest! She showed me a photo of her adorable little dog, on her phone.

I said that it was funny that we met, because I myself had a brutal and troubling relationship with food in my past….and I am SO HAPPY that it’s completely and totally over.

Isn’t it fantastic to have ended that cycle? That it is eliminated from life?

She shook her head “no”. 

“You never terminate the compulsion to eat. You have to be vigilant. You have to make sure to weigh yourself and monitor your food. I know it will be like this for the rest of my life. If I gain a few pounds, I immediately go into hyper-attention mode.”

Woah. OK.

I didn’t say anything about recovering from an eating disorder or any eating issues of any kind, after that. She appeared certain that this was her lot in life…vigilance.

For the rest of the day, off and on, I thought of this brief encounter with a stranger. I had a tender feeling of compassion and sent her a hug through the airways.

Not that she needed my help, because obviously, she had rocked the house and made major changes in her life….

….but long ago when I was sick with the anguish of compulsive overeating, bulimia, self-starvation, and fear of gaining weight…

…I wanted total and complete freedom from the obsession. I believed I could have it.

I never gave that up.

I wanted to go beyond managing my life, my threatening thoughts, and treating myself like I could topple of the edge of the cliff at any moment into a binge….to genuine trust that who I was, at every level, was and expression of love, trust and joy.

Including when it came to the simple act of eating.

The truth is, that now….I’m “normal” when it comes to food, like a person would be who never had any food issues. I never think about food with anxiety or pain. I love eating and do it with gusto.

I threw out my scale twenty years ago, but now, I don’t even “sneak a peak” at the scale when I’m at the gym. It doesn’t occur to me. I have exactly the same clothes, in the same size, for years. I throw worn out clothes away.

It is over, it seems. For years.

So. What’s the catch? How did this happen?

While I can never say 100% (since I am not the ruler of the universe, ha ha) the thing that I HAVE stayed vigilant about, that I DO feel compelled to look at every single day, is my thinking.

And I’m here to say, that when you look and question your negative, repetitive, agonizing thoughts….

….they seem to become less agonizing.

It’s like you’re giving them the respect they deserve.

Last week in one of the Year of Inquiry groups (Yay YOI!) someone said that they sometimes get a little overwhelmed with THOUGHTS.

There are so many! I’ll never get through them all! One falls away, and another one appears!

I get it. It seems true. It really does seem that there are endless amounts of thoughts, beliefs, reactions, observations, or memories that produce suffering.

But can you absolutely know it’s true that there’s no solution?

Oh boy!

Hands clapping because it does NOT seem absolutely, endlessly true! It’s not absolutely true that the mind SHOULD quit thinking, or that life would really be better if I did! Or that I can never find peace, with a mind that is thinking, thinking, thinking!

It’s not even absolutely true that I need to be fearfully vigilant about my thoughts….because they just pop up. They appear.

And now I LOVE working with them.

When I don’t believe they are true, when I don’t repeat them, or when I do The Work on them, they dissolve.

I feel peaceful.

Are you ready to move from discouraged, beaten down, feeling like a failure about your relationship with food, eating and your body….and take a dive into the most painful beliefs you have about eating?

Because that’s what we’re going to do, starting Friday.

We meet via teleclass for 8 weeks (no class December 6th). 9:00 – 10:30 am Pacific time.

Yes, we meet the day after American Thanksgiving because that day is often very important for reflecting on food, festivities, eating, and getting support.

Wherever you are, you can dial in on the phone or with skype.

“How can you know that a particular relationship is good or not? When you are out of sync with goodness, you know it: You aren’t happy. And if a relationship is anything less than good, you need to question your thoughts. It’s your responsibility to find your own way back to a relationship with yourself that makes sense. When you have that sweet relationship with yourself, your partner is an added pleasure. It’s over-the-top grace.” ~ Byron Katie

If you are out of sync with goodness, when it comes to food and eating, then let’s question your thoughts.

You have to want to take a look, to see the pain, to sit with it and see what you’re really thinking, to write it down.

But if I can do it, you can do it too.

I know that when you have that sweet relationship with yourself, then food is an added pleasure in life. Definitely an over-the-top grace.

Every bite an incredible gift.

Click here to register.

Much love, Grace

 

Posted on

I Want Want Want That

Very recently, a woman wrote me an email to sign up for some sessions in self-inquiry. She was intimately familiar with The Work. She had questioned her thinking many times, on many topics, and found great peace.

But there was this one particular area that had been present for many years that was VERY persistent.

It just wouldn’t go away.

She described it as like a screaming baby, in the other room.

All day long, she has thoughts about when to eat, what to eat, what not to eat, or what she should and shouldn’t be doing with food and exercise.

Using her own thinking to resolve this problem didn’t seem to be working very well, or very fast.

She wanted help.

As I have done myself, she could see her mind doing tailspins in this one particular area, without much change, without relief.

Oh the agony! The obsession! The powerlessness! The horror!

I remember obsessing about food, diet, eating, starving, exercising, burning calories, being thin, getting fat, controlling myself, feeling sad, feeling like a failure, fearing hunger, fearing fullness.

ARRRGGG. That was such a pain.

One thing I know for sure, the person busy obsessing is NOT damaged, broken or hopeless.

And it’s a very common human experience.

It’s like a battle is taking place, a raging, mind-melding battle, between the one who wants the item, and the one who doesn’t want it.

Between the one who is kind and accepting….and the one who is impatient, desperate or afraid.

Between the one who wants to grab, take-in, consume, get satisfied, pull towards itself…and the one who is content, peaceful, comfortable with the unknown and emptiness.

We’ve all had experiences with this battle, no matter what we’re obsessing about.

I love questioning cravings. This can be a first, wonderful examination in breaking apart that full-blown colorful story behind craving.

Let’s do it!

Find a situation when you were filled, overwhelmed, thinking of almost nothing else but the thing you want.

Food, wine, a cigarette, a cup of coffee, checking emails, going online, a person, an item in the store, a crush, sexual contact, buying it, porn, TV, chocolate, ice cream, whiskey.

“I want it.”

Is that true?

Yes. OMG. YES! I have to have that. It will bring me relief, pleasure!

Are you absolutely sure? Are you positive? Stand there in the craving and see if it is true.

You have to talk with that person, eat that pizza, breathe in that cigarette smoke, put that trinket in your purse, wear that new outfit, call your voicemail, drink that wine.

Is that absolutely true?

What do you believe you will have, if you get it?

I would have Satisfaction! Contentment! Peace!

Can you absolutely know that this is true?

Because I found, my cravings always returned. They were never altogether satisfied.

The craving was temporarily satisfied…sort of. There was a cycle, a repeating, over and over endlessly.

An intense craving, an intense break-down and demand to attend to the craving, a wild attempt to do nothing but satisfy the craving, and an intense hatred of myself, a sadness, a not-enoughness, an intense craving….

Maybe, there was a craving that was present, no matter what was happening.

A discontent, a longing, a hoping, a demand, a desire to change what is and reach for more, different, more, different.

Yikes. I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that if this craving were relieved, I would be satisfied.

I can’t know that if the baby stopped screaming, I would be totally and completely content and peaceful.

I might start thinking of something else, of other things to do, to seek.

Who would I be without the thought “I want it!”

Woah. But that thought is so big, sooooo all-consuming. So….

I asked who would you be without the thought?

You may have to take a moment to imagine this. To feel it. To see what it would be like to be you only not thinking ONLY of how you want something.

Like a tree, a cat, a person you know who doesn’t appear to believe they want something very often.

It may take a moment of imagination, because being without this thought is very foreign.

I know that when I stopped wanting food so much, and so frequently….when the obsession dropped away….I had other things I wanted, like money, happiness, a partner, enlightenment, adventure, excitement, fame, attention, success.

These would flow in and out, the dangling carrots.

Let yourself imagine. Let yourself see who you would be without the belief that you want it.

The thing is in your awareness, it is around. You’re in the same room (the same neighborhood). You know where this thing is.

But you don’t have the thought that you want it desperately. That you must have it.

You may find yourself first just willing to imagine….

….then interested in imagining….who you are without the belief that you want that thing.

Looking around at your world, and feeling in your body, catching the sense of who you really are without this thought.

You may become curious about what you notice. So curious that your craving sits down in a chair and stops screaming so loud.

(Tell the craving that it can stay as long as it wants, you are OK with it being there, you’re not trying to obliterate it).

Who are you without the thought that you want what you think you want?

“Please do not think of truth in mystical terms or even in spiritual terms. Truth refers to the whole of existence and beyond. Truth exists as much in your teacup as it does in your temples and churches. Truth is as present in shopping for your groceries as it is in chanting to God.” ~ Adyashanti

We are about to enter the season in many cultures of celebratory feasting. If you are ready to look at your cravings for food deeply, to look at your deep beliefs about what it means to feel hungry, full, fat, or thin….then come on over and join the 8 week teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food meeting on Fridays 9 – 10:30 am Pacific time.

I’ve never taught the class right at this time, during what many think of as food and eating season. This is gonna be good!

We start November 1st and meet every Friday until December 20th.  Yes, even the day after Thanksgiving (if you live in the USA).

Don’t wait until the usual time to start developing peace with food. Come now. Use your experience to investigate your urges, cravings, drive, obsessions.

I’d love you to join me. Hit reply if you’re interested and we’ll take it from there.

Love, Grace

Posted on

Could I Be Wrong About Myself?

Feeling remorse about your own behavior is a horrible feeling. It hits you in your body, your stomach, and in your feelings and thoughts like a dark sticky cloud.

Not long ago I was working with a woman who had the same bulimia behaviors I used to have. Going on these eating frenzies, consuming frantically, and then forcing herself to vomit once she couldn’t hold any more.

As I sat in my quiet cottage, on skype, hearing this woman’s words and sadness (which I’ve done many times with many clients) I remembered vividly the strange trance of addiction with food.

It can be any addiction really.

The urge seems to enter into your world and take over, like a magical evil fog.

Then the actual behavior, so destructive and painful. Sometimes like a tornado, sometimes violent, sometimes getting up and going back to the fridge for a little more, and then a little more, so many times until being stuffed.

Then later, I’d wake up after the whole nightmare was over and have some period of rest….before the next time.

No matter what it is you did when you feel regret, it’s pretty stressful…but when you’ve engaged in addictive behavior of some kind like overeating…your sense of esteem after the whole episode is over can be absolutely horrendous.

I did it again. I’m such a loser. I’m so weak. I’ll never change. No one would love the real me, that does this. I’m greedy, selfish, wrong. I deserve to die. 

There are tons of other activities that seem to enter the human experience of addiction.

Eating, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, smoking, cleaning the house compulsively, watching screens/videos/TV, shopping, pornography, lying, betting.

All of them offer a phase of reflection, when the behavior or activity is completed for the moment, and regret and remorse enters the scene.

It felt like I was my own worst enemy, but it was super heavy in those moments after the current storm passed. Before the next one.

I couldn’t stand myself. I couldn’t take this cycle anymore. If it kept going, I would prefer to die!

The thing about these terrible moments is that there is tremendous emphasis and focus on how terrible we are…..and it hides some other really, really important stressful beliefs.

Even when what you did wasn’t all that bad, but it’s something you promised you wouldn’t do again.

You procrastinated, you bought another music CD, you yelled at your kid, you ordered another book.

In that moment, when normally you’ve hated yourself, see if you can dig in and find some other beliefs, even if the ones that are against you are screaming loudly, that were happening BEFORE you went on your raving trip into mind-altering behavior.

Often, there is something that scared you. Something that made you really mad (also fear). Something that made you sad (fear of loss). Something that made you uncomfortable (fear again). Something that made you giddy (huge excitement, kinda feels like fear).

Bingo.

If you can find one thing you were afraid of a few hours ago, right before you had the idea to go on a binge, right before you decided you had to have a cigarette.

If it wasn’t before, don’t even worry much about that.

Just notice what you think of as scary in your life.

The client I was working with noticed one thing she was afraid of in those evening moments, alone in the house, hours before bedtime, when she felt like eating everything in sight.

Empty space.

Then her mind would start to think about what she should be doing, from cleaning the bathroom to developing her career and earning more money, to finding a mate.

It was easier to start snacking.

But, not really.

It is not easier to avoid your thoughts. It is not easier to avoid your feelings. It is not easier to pretend that your thoughts aren’t bothering you.

It is easier to notice that you are a believer of very painful beliefs.

And investigate if they are true.

I found that actually, it’s your only choice.

“People who aren’t interested in seeing why everything is good get to be right. But that apparently rightness comes with disgruntlement, and often depression and separation. Depression can feel serious. So ‘counting the genuine ways that this unexpected event happened FOR me, rather than TO me’ is not a game. It’s an exercise in observing the nature of life. It’s a way of putting yourself back into reality, into the kindness of the nature of things.” ~ Byron Katie

In that moment, when your head comes up out of the water and you’ve stop eating, or spending, or you wake up sober….

….can you even consider the turnarounds to be as true or truer than your thoughts about how awful you’ve been.

I did it again. Some part of me is losing, and that’s OK. I’m so powerful. There is a central part of me that never changes (good), and I have the power to change at any second. The whole world loves me, even when I’ve done my crazy behaviors. I’m greedy for love and joy (good), I’m selfish and that is appropriate, I’m afraid. I deserve to live. 

What is this moment, this thought, this experience offering me? There is a gift.

Yes, even in this painful moment.

Posted on

Just Sit There

This past weekend someone wrote to me asking what happened with food that made me go from anxiety-ridden anger around my relationship with eating….

….to enjoying it with the deepest gratitude, taking care of this body the best way I know, no fear, war over.

I woke up this morning thinking about that question. It was very, very quiet, no wind wildly blowing outside as it had been for nearly 24 hours. No wind chimes ringing.

Wild blowing and stormy rain pelting down, now turned to silence.

How would I sum up the Before and After, years of learning, contemplating, experimenting, failing, inquiring, and being in relationship with food?

I was working with a woman once who said that as soon as we started doing inquiry together, her binge-eating got worse.

I remember going through “bad” spells of eating. Like the volume was turned up to higher, I couldn’t give it a rest.

I would get distracted, my attention moving over to something else (finally) and doing some kind of other activity, enjoying friends, working, reading, seeing a movie, feeling entertained, moving physically….

…..when I’d have the idea to eat. I might be hungry, I might not.

How I ate didn’t seem to have a heck of a lot to do with hunger. It overlapped sometimes, but mostly how I ate had to do with what my MIND thought should or shouldn’t happen with food, not my body.

That mind can be so bossy!

But really, it was trying to help. When there’s a problem, the mind can get VERY INTERESTED in solutions.

To put it mildly.

However, when I look back at my previous self, the one with the eating problems, there were a few beliefs very solidly in place that I never even bothered to question at first.

Once I did, it was like breaking out of prison. One spoonful of dirt at a time…I’m not sayin’ it was instantaneous!

  • Empty time is frightening and mysterious, I should be doing something important or productive
  • If I’m feeling huge big feelings, it’s dangerous…especially fear and anger
  • life is chaotic, unpredictable, strange…and this is bad
  • I am all alone when it comes down to it….also bad
  • lots of other people are suffering, unhappy and needy…I’m supposed to help them feel better or avoid them
  • I have to do it right: look right, live right, eat right, breathe right, think right, work right (and it’s impossible to be perfect)
  • the world is a dangerous, weird, chaotic place

Yikes! Not exactly a peaceful relationship with Reality, the World, this Universe.

The good news?

All of the beliefs don’t have to dissolve instantly for you or anyone to find some relief around food and eating.

Even just thinking about only one of these stressful concepts and asking yourself if it is absolutely 100% true, if you are SURE that This Situation (being on the planet) is creepy, uncomfortable, frightening or hard…

…might bring in some doubt about what’s going on around here.

You are not safe in this moment….is that true?

This quietness is uncomfortable, you are lonely, angry, outraged, scared…and you can’t deal with it….is that true?

How do I react when I believe a situation is dangerous, or frightening?

I work on protecting myself, I try not to think about it, I hide under the table, I smile when I’m actually very sad, I avoid other people, I’m not entirely honest, I don’t get support, I pretend I’m OK, I help others instead of me, I fill up the empty space of silence with eating food (or whatever other activity helps fill the void).

Who would I be without the thought that Things Are Dangerous or Scary? Or that things are off, unpredictable, disappointing?

Without the thought that food, people, bodies, eating or any of it is wrong, was wrong before, or will be wrong in the future?

I am willing to be with empty, unknown, wild, mysterious space. I notice that the present moment is not so bad after all.

I notice how safe I am in this second, because I’m here.

Without the thought that the world is a dangerous place, or life is risky then I feel kind, loving, patient, surrendered.

I’m waiting, open, resting. So much more relaxed.

I don’t feel like eating. My craving fades away.

I turn my beliefs around to the opposite, to try them on. They could be just as true, or truer.

  • Empty time is exciting and mysterious, just being here is important and productive, without having to DO anything
  • If I’m feeling huge big feelings, it’s wonderful and thrilling…especially fear and anger (or could those feelings be love and power?)
  • life is loving, predictable, familiar…and this is fabulous
  • I am not alone when it comes down to it….also fabulous!
  • lots of other people are joyful, happy and satisfied…I’m supposed to helpmyself feel better when I’m with them all
  • there is no “right” way: I am succeeding
  • the world is a friendly, unusual, brilliant , trusting place

There’s wild wind, then it stops, then there’s silence, and then there’s a breeze again.

Am I all right, whatever the weather?

“Just sit there right now, don’t do a thing. Just rest. For your separation from God, from Love, is the hardest work in this World. Let me bring you trays of food and something that you like to drink. You can use my soft words as a cushion for your Head.” ~ Hafiz

Inquire, relax, rest and eating food (and those compulsive activities) fall away, fall into place, fall into emptiness.

Love, Grace