Category: Trouble With Food and Eating

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The Scale And Your Worth

The Horrible Food Wonderful Food teleclass is underway right now. One dear participant mentioned something to me that I have heard many times before.

I sometimes suggest that people give up their bathroom scales….you know, the ones that calculate body weight. She said, “I could never give up my scale, I have to weigh myself twice a day.”

Measuring things can be incredibly powerful. Documenting, looking, examining, surveying, gathering data. These are invaluable for studying information, analyzing. Especially when you are totally uncertain about how something works.

It’s so amazing to have ways to track something over time that may not be entirely conscious. Like lets say a scientist is studying a brand new species of insect. She could open her computer and write down every hour what is happening, as she watches through a camera the insect’s behaviors in its habitat.

But if the scientist has gathered information for a year, and has tracked the whole lifecycle of the insects several times….but then can’t stop documenting that insect’s behavior…it could be a little weird, right?

The problem with the scale situation is of course not the scale, but the lack of deep inner trust around eating and weight. The belief for me was “I do not understand my weight fluctuation, therefore, I must measure it constantly….otherwise, I might grow heavier and not even realize it!!!”

I used to feel extremely anxious if I didn’t have access to a scale. And then, I felt extremely anxious if I DID have access to a scale.

The thought I had way back when I had a scale was that if I saw the number was too high, it would alarm me and push me towards weight-loss strategies. If I saw the number was low, then I could feel happy and proud for being a “good” weight.

I believed I needed a measuring device, that I couldn’t feel deeply what was right for me on the inside.

Last week when I was at the hospital in the surgery pavilion, before I was sent to change my clothes into the hospital gown and before the kind nurse put in the IV into the back of my hand, they had me go to the scale.

I watched the electronic bright red numbers speeding by and balancing out to the exact ounce. I remembered the way I used to feel in this waiting half-second “Oh I hope it’s going to land on a good weight and give me good news!”

It was about the exact same number I’ve been mostly for my adult life, but for a flash I thought “isn’t that amazing”.

Still the same. Without trying for it, wanting it, setting it as a goal, or caring about it. Amazing, because I once thought I needed to run this whole food, eating, weight situation!

I remembered when I used to want the scale to say that number, when I had an eating disorder and my weight fluctuated up and down a bit.

I used to strive for that number, wish for that number. Just tell me what to eat so I can always have that number.

Then I threw away my scale, because I used it too often and for the wrong reasons: to feel good or feel bad. I let the scale tell me what kind of person I was. I didn’t want that from a piece of metal that measured weight. I wanted to be good no matter what.

Is it true that the amount you weigh means you are good, or bad? Worthy or unworthy? Lovable or Not Lovable? Attractive or Unattractive?

Long ago, I found the answer was “NO”. Even though I had been acting like it was “YES”.

Who was I when I believed that my weight had something to do with my character, my lovableness, my worthiness, my power, my strength, my attractiveness?

Horribly obsessed with weight. Angry. Hungry. Overeating. Undereating. Calculating, planning and trying to control food.

Jumping on the scale every day, and at the gym, and in other places where scales were sitting around.

Who was I without the thoughts that without a scale, I can’t be trusted, that my weight MEANS good/bad, lovable/repulsive, worthy/unattractive?

Open to another way. Open to not knowing. Relaxing, resting at a most deep level, slowing down. Not planning.

Taking a deep breath. Eating and noticing the flavors, the beauty, the texture.

Practicing feeling Joy, Quiet and Peace in the presence of food, or mirrors, or scales.

Living the turnaround. Turning towards the light, the inner light.  

“Enlightenment is to be totally Un-Self-Concious, Un-Ego-Conscious. It’s to be free of self-reflection. Isn’t it the biggest bain on humanity to be always reflecting on oneself? ‘How am I doing, I like it, I hate it, this is hard, my life’s difficult’. Constant reflection…..I’ve never met anybody who was addicted to anything who was ever able to get beyond it until they really saw and came to grips with ‘this is not working’.” ~ Adyashanti

Much love, Grace

P.S. 8 week teleclass on food/eating starts again on January 15, and the Year of Inquiry for the Addictive Mind YOI starts on January 10th.

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I Need To Lose It!

Yesterday morning the Horrible Food Wonderful Food telegroup met for the second time in our series of 8.

Even though I have taught that teleclass almost 20 times now, and of course people question this common stressful belief I’m about to tell you…I find it fascinating to explore.

I need to lose weight.

Now, before you think “that’s not me, I can’t relate to this stressful belief!” take a moment to think about ANYTHING you repeatedly tell yourself you need to “lose” or “get rid of”.

It’s a mega-list to that Voice that is hyper-critical.

  • I need to get rid of my household junk
  • I need to lose my low confidence
  • I need to clean out my closets
  • I need to get rid of my anxiety
  • I need to get rid of this friend/partner/boss/employee
  • I need to lose my anger
  • I need to lose my scarcity or my negative thinking

The burden of having these thoughts, and feeling like the item/energy/result is NOT going away, is very “weighty”.

And it seems like thinking these thoughts, and believing them whole-heartedly, does not make it happen.

So let’s look at something you think you need to lose, and see if it’s absolutely true.

Is it? Are you absolutely positive you need to lose weight? Or something else?

Wow, maybe you need to lose that sickness, or that injured hamstring (d-oh!), or this head cold, or that nasty neighbor.

It is soooo true! I need to lose it!

Life would be much better if I lost it!

OK, so you’re positive you need to lose weight, or that other thing or person.

How do you react when you believe that thought?

Plans, plans, plans of attack for getting rid of this thing. I’ll put a lock on the refrigerator, I’ll go on a diet, I’ll feel depressed and sad, I’ll avoid contacting that person, I’ll quit my job, I’ll see if I can find someone who can help me get rid of it.

I’ll go to the ends of the earth trying.

When I believe the thought, I feel tense, afraid, very nervous, angry. I keep thinking about how I need to lose it. I think about it over and over. I make a new plan.

But what a wonderful question: who would you be without the thought that you need to lose this thing, lose this weight, this person, this injury, this hardship, this situation?

Wow.

Yesterday, people in the telegroup were imagining not having the thought that they need to lose weight for the first time since childhood.

They said “I would be free.” “I would have so much TIME!” “I would feel open, curious, lighter, exposed.” “I wouldn’t censor myself!” “I would be connected to my true nature.”

If I noticed I need to lose some clutter in my closet, but without a depressed or unhappy feeling…I would start to go through the stuff there, and put some of it in boxes for Goodwill.

If I noticed I need to lose some of my anger, or negative thinking, or someone I’m not enjoying or afraid of….I do The Work, I find out more deeply what bothers me about them or it, that I think I need to lose it.

What would I really have, if I lost it? Peace? Courage? Happiness?

Am I sure I couldn’t have that right now, even though this thing, this sickness, this person, this weight…is here?

Turning the thought around, we sat with the liberating idea: I don’t need to lose weight. MY THINKING needs to lose weight.

“It makes life extremely difficult when you call what you’re doing ‘wrong’, ‘stupid’, or ‘unnecessary’–when you belittle it after it has been done. To compare what you’ve done to what you shoud have done, to think that you need to measure up to some external standard, is a difficult path. What is, is always the way it’s supposed to be right now…” ~ Byron Katie

Much love,

Grace

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The Gentle Overcomes The Rigid

This morning a lovely group of inquirers joined together on the phone to begin an 8 week investigation of our relationship with food, eating and our bodies.

Anyone who shows up to do The Work to look at painful beliefs about food and eating, has usually gone through one heck of a lot with dieting, weight, binge eating, starving.

Because there are a lot of tempting, enticing solutions to this problem with food and eating out there that seem a little easier, clearer, or simpler than questioning your beliefs about food.

There are diet books, diet groups, exercise training programs, meal plans, nutrition coaches. 

And many of them are scientifically sound, really balanced “eating” programs, and of course truly awesome people that help. They seem like doing them will offer THE ANSWER we’re looking for.

When I follow that program, or that diet, that activity…I will succeed. My food problem will be eliminated. Finally.

I remember long ago one day, driving my little Honda car given to me by my parents for college graduation (it took me an extra two years to graduate with my bachelors degree because of my violent relationship with food). 

I had done therapy both individually and with my family, I had gone to O.A. (Overeaters Anonymous), I had failed many diets….and I had learned a whole lot. My binge-eating was going down in frequency. Not gone, but I felt better.

I felt the intense craving to eat that afternoon.

I had just been offered a job, after having a very successful interview. But I wasn’t really that happy. I felt scared, like I would make a mistake, like I wasn’t really qualified, like I had tricked them.

I wasn’t even sure I wanted the job. It was a 45 minute commute to drive there. 

I felt fat that afternoon. And trapped. Life with a regular 9-5 job sounded horrible. 

Which is very discouraging. Dang. I thought I had the eating thing under control. I thought it was over. 

As I drove away from that job offer, on the long drive home, visions of where I could stop to get food floated through my mind. I could feel the mounting urgency, and panic, the thought of tipping over into an eating frenzy. 

And then I passed Weight Watchers. A huge building, with a huge sign. It said there was a “special” sale on memberships.

Fifteen minutes later I was calling my parents from the Weight Watchers parking lot and asking to borrow the money to join. They were both on the phone.

There was silence on the other end of the line. 

My dad said, “Weight Watchers? But why now? Aren’t you trying to stop dieting sweetie? It’s not an emergency to join right now, right?”

After a few more minutes of discussion, when I realized they were saying NO, I hung up on them, furious.

I went to the next grocery store and bought a bunch of junk food and started eating through it like it was the last food on earth.

But I knew my parents were right. 

This wasn’t even about food.

You almost have to try at least one food and eating “program” to discover that there is still something unsettled inside you, something deep within, that doesn’t get “fixed” by changing your behavior.

Too bad, right? 

It would have been nice to have the Low Carb diet end all my problems with food, or Weight Watchers, or the South Beach diet. 

But alas…for some of us the programs or diets never quiet seemed to get rid of the difficult relationship with food and eating.

And there is nothing wrong with the programs—they can be awesome, helpful and educational. 

They just didn’t get to the core of the matter for me….my addictive, compulsive THINKING. 

There are solutions for fixing your money, your career, other addictions like alcohol, or your spiritual life….there are numerous programs offered that will help you “get there” to where you want to go.

Recently I heard a wonderful new friend, with experience in this department, say that sometimes, getting set up in a “program” or going on a diet is like mowing the lawn….and there are a lot of dandelions in the lawn. 

When you first mow, all the dandelions get cut, and the grass, and everything looks pretty dang good for a few days. Green and smooth. All cleaned up.

And then the dandelions start poking through, and we know, of course, that under the surface are weeds and roots and tangled up beliefs that we haven’t questioned yet. 

And they start to grow.

So the minute I felt afraid, insecure, and super discouraged about my life….like I did that day with getting a job….then here came the usual distraction.

Food entered in for me as an obsessive solution and problem all at the same time.

But if I could have had the Work at the time, my afternoon might have gone very differently. 

I might have recognized in that moment, when my thoughts were screaming “I have to eat food now!” or “I am trapped!” or “I am in danger” or “It has to go the way I want”….

….that I could PAUSE. 

I could ask if it was absolutely true, in that moment, that I was trapped, or that I absolutely had to eat. 

I might have been able to see that without those thoughts, I could sit still and look around. I could stop. 

I might have been able to question whether I really had to take a job I didn’t want…OR, that I wasn’t good enough to do that job. 

Turning the thoughts around, I could find where it was just as true, or truer, to believe the opposites of them all:

I don’t have to eat anything right now, I am free, I am safe, it is going the way I want. 

What if you held in your heart right now that there is nothing you must do, nothing you need to know that you don’t already have, that your mind is able to question and understand itself?

What if you give up helping yourself altogether, chasing for the right solution, to any problem…not just the “eating” problem?

Mysterious. New. Open.

“The soft overcomes the hard; the gentle overcomes the rigid. Everyone knows this is true, but few can put it into practice. Therefore the master remains serene in the midst of sorrow. Evil cannot enter his heart. Because he has given up helping, he is people’s greatest help. True words seem paradoxical.” ~ Tao Te Ching #78 

Love, Grace

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Question Your Thoughts About Food

There are 3 spots left for the Friday 8 week teleclass that starts in less than 2 days where we zone in on what we’re thinking and feeling about food and eating.

And we investigate. We’re just looking. No big expectations.

You might be saying “Jeez, where would I begin?! That’s a big topic….and a frustrating one. I want to think LESS about food, not MORE about it.”

I’ve found that the more irritating and long-lasting a problem has been (and mine was awful when it came to food and eating) the better it’s been to examine.

Like it had an important message for me. (It did).

What ARE some of those ways of thinking about eating and food that really don’t feel that great?

Here’s what I used to believe:

  • if I eat a lot, I’ll gain weight
  • if I binge, I’m evil, selfish and greedy
  • if I starve, I’m selfless, powerful and right
  • if I eat from the “bad” list of foods, I’ll pay for it, I’m bad
  • if I eat from the “good” list of foods, I earn points, I’m good
  • I must control my cravings
  • cravings are wildly powerful and impossible to control
  • I’ll always have cravings
  • thin is better than fat
  • I hate being too hungry or too full

That was only the beginning.

I also believed that eating made me feel better.

I thought eating could change my emotional state. It actually DID change it temporarily. Sort of.

If I felt better for just a wee bit, I always went back to feeling lonely, angry, sad or depressed…even after I got something to eat.

No amount of ice cream was ever enough, if I was in “that” mood. And pretty soon, the thing I had reached for to help me out (food) actually made me feel worse.

Rats.

Now, most of us know these days that diets don’t release us from our pain around food and eating.

Many of us have learned that dieting actually makes the pain around food or eating worse.

But throwing our hands up doesn’t work in the long run either.

Funny that it’s either give up or crack down. Other options aren’t spoken of or tried, or even considered.

But what if you could slow down….so very very slowly…so that in each moment of every day you were aware and in touch with an inner feeling that said when to eat and when to stop.

Because every person is born with that.

You already pretty much know that you do not need someone to come in and tell you what to eat, when to eat it, how to eat it, where to eat it. In fact, that’s impossible.

You don’t need to read another nutrition or diet book, unless that’s fun for you.

(I had fun learning new things about what I was eating and my body last summer that I never could have heard before, when I had a co-dependent, desperate, addictive relationship with food).

What if you could unravel your greatest fears, including fears about being fat, or greedy, or possessed, or powerless?

I love simply taking a look. Noticing.

Nothing more.

No other big weight-loss plans. No feeling that you need to be punished.

So if you’d like a group to do The Work with to see what’s going on under the surface of all your conflicting beliefs about food and eating….then what a great time to do it!

We’ll meet right up into the dark, wintry season full of holiday gatherings and food traditions.

Who would you be without the thought that you have a problem with food?

You may wonder who you’d be without having this “problem” with food or your weight, like maybe that’s weird to even imagine (I used to feel like all my problems were problems with food).

You may be worried. It’s not a lollipops-and-roses answer necessarily. Maybe it’s even disturbing…who would I be if I didn’t obsess or think about food? If I didn’t have this addictive pattern?

If you’d like to investigate…come join us.

It’s fascinating. It’s even fun.

“Something like food, or alcohol, or drugs, or sex, or working, or shopping, or whatever we do, which, perhaps in moderation would be very delightful–like eating, enjoying your food. In fact, in moderation there’s this deep appreciation of the taste, of the good fortune to have this in your life. But these things become imbued with an addictive quality because we empower them with the idea that they will bring us comfort. They will remove this unease.” ~ Pema Chodron

Our class meets November 1 – December 27 from 9 -10:30 am Pacific Time. It’s a great time for this “looking” at this time of year. Join me!

Click here to register.

Much love, Grace

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Question Your Thinking, Be Happy With Food

The other day I was waiting in line for lunch food at a deli. The day was bright and sunny, the sky clear, and many people murmuring and talking with one another.

The line was moving a bit slow, and in a non-introverted moment (shocking!) I said hello to the person behind me. She was a sweet woman and as we talked, she said she had lost 80 pounds, several years before. She was happy, and proud of herself, because she had kept all that weight off.

She was the cutest! She showed me a photo of her adorable little dog, on her phone.

I said that it was funny that we met, because I myself had a brutal and troubling relationship with food in my past….and I am SO HAPPY that it’s completely and totally over.

Isn’t it fantastic to have ended that cycle? That it is eliminated from life?

She shook her head “no”. 

“You never terminate the compulsion to eat. You have to be vigilant. You have to make sure to weigh yourself and monitor your food. I know it will be like this for the rest of my life. If I gain a few pounds, I immediately go into hyper-attention mode.”

Woah. OK.

I didn’t say anything about recovering from an eating disorder or any eating issues of any kind, after that. She appeared certain that this was her lot in life…vigilance.

For the rest of the day, off and on, I thought of this brief encounter with a stranger. I had a tender feeling of compassion and sent her a hug through the airways.

Not that she needed my help, because obviously, she had rocked the house and made major changes in her life….

….but long ago when I was sick with the anguish of compulsive overeating, bulimia, self-starvation, and fear of gaining weight…

…I wanted total and complete freedom from the obsession. I believed I could have it.

I never gave that up.

I wanted to go beyond managing my life, my threatening thoughts, and treating myself like I could topple of the edge of the cliff at any moment into a binge….to genuine trust that who I was, at every level, was and expression of love, trust and joy.

Including when it came to the simple act of eating.

The truth is, that now….I’m “normal” when it comes to food, like a person would be who never had any food issues. I never think about food with anxiety or pain. I love eating and do it with gusto.

I threw out my scale twenty years ago, but now, I don’t even “sneak a peak” at the scale when I’m at the gym. It doesn’t occur to me. I have exactly the same clothes, in the same size, for years. I throw worn out clothes away.

It is over, it seems. For years.

So. What’s the catch? How did this happen?

While I can never say 100% (since I am not the ruler of the universe, ha ha) the thing that I HAVE stayed vigilant about, that I DO feel compelled to look at every single day, is my thinking.

And I’m here to say, that when you look and question your negative, repetitive, agonizing thoughts….

….they seem to become less agonizing.

It’s like you’re giving them the respect they deserve.

Last week in one of the Year of Inquiry groups (Yay YOI!) someone said that they sometimes get a little overwhelmed with THOUGHTS.

There are so many! I’ll never get through them all! One falls away, and another one appears!

I get it. It seems true. It really does seem that there are endless amounts of thoughts, beliefs, reactions, observations, or memories that produce suffering.

But can you absolutely know it’s true that there’s no solution?

Oh boy!

Hands clapping because it does NOT seem absolutely, endlessly true! It’s not absolutely true that the mind SHOULD quit thinking, or that life would really be better if I did! Or that I can never find peace, with a mind that is thinking, thinking, thinking!

It’s not even absolutely true that I need to be fearfully vigilant about my thoughts….because they just pop up. They appear.

And now I LOVE working with them.

When I don’t believe they are true, when I don’t repeat them, or when I do The Work on them, they dissolve.

I feel peaceful.

Are you ready to move from discouraged, beaten down, feeling like a failure about your relationship with food, eating and your body….and take a dive into the most painful beliefs you have about eating?

Because that’s what we’re going to do, starting Friday.

We meet via teleclass for 8 weeks (no class December 6th). 9:00 – 10:30 am Pacific time.

Yes, we meet the day after American Thanksgiving because that day is often very important for reflecting on food, festivities, eating, and getting support.

Wherever you are, you can dial in on the phone or with skype.

“How can you know that a particular relationship is good or not? When you are out of sync with goodness, you know it: You aren’t happy. And if a relationship is anything less than good, you need to question your thoughts. It’s your responsibility to find your own way back to a relationship with yourself that makes sense. When you have that sweet relationship with yourself, your partner is an added pleasure. It’s over-the-top grace.” ~ Byron Katie

If you are out of sync with goodness, when it comes to food and eating, then let’s question your thoughts.

You have to want to take a look, to see the pain, to sit with it and see what you’re really thinking, to write it down.

But if I can do it, you can do it too.

I know that when you have that sweet relationship with yourself, then food is an added pleasure in life. Definitely an over-the-top grace.

Every bite an incredible gift.

Click here to register.

Much love, Grace

 

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I Want Want Want That

Very recently, a woman wrote me an email to sign up for some sessions in self-inquiry. She was intimately familiar with The Work. She had questioned her thinking many times, on many topics, and found great peace.

But there was this one particular area that had been present for many years that was VERY persistent.

It just wouldn’t go away.

She described it as like a screaming baby, in the other room.

All day long, she has thoughts about when to eat, what to eat, what not to eat, or what she should and shouldn’t be doing with food and exercise.

Using her own thinking to resolve this problem didn’t seem to be working very well, or very fast.

She wanted help.

As I have done myself, she could see her mind doing tailspins in this one particular area, without much change, without relief.

Oh the agony! The obsession! The powerlessness! The horror!

I remember obsessing about food, diet, eating, starving, exercising, burning calories, being thin, getting fat, controlling myself, feeling sad, feeling like a failure, fearing hunger, fearing fullness.

ARRRGGG. That was such a pain.

One thing I know for sure, the person busy obsessing is NOT damaged, broken or hopeless.

And it’s a very common human experience.

It’s like a battle is taking place, a raging, mind-melding battle, between the one who wants the item, and the one who doesn’t want it.

Between the one who is kind and accepting….and the one who is impatient, desperate or afraid.

Between the one who wants to grab, take-in, consume, get satisfied, pull towards itself…and the one who is content, peaceful, comfortable with the unknown and emptiness.

We’ve all had experiences with this battle, no matter what we’re obsessing about.

I love questioning cravings. This can be a first, wonderful examination in breaking apart that full-blown colorful story behind craving.

Let’s do it!

Find a situation when you were filled, overwhelmed, thinking of almost nothing else but the thing you want.

Food, wine, a cigarette, a cup of coffee, checking emails, going online, a person, an item in the store, a crush, sexual contact, buying it, porn, TV, chocolate, ice cream, whiskey.

“I want it.”

Is that true?

Yes. OMG. YES! I have to have that. It will bring me relief, pleasure!

Are you absolutely sure? Are you positive? Stand there in the craving and see if it is true.

You have to talk with that person, eat that pizza, breathe in that cigarette smoke, put that trinket in your purse, wear that new outfit, call your voicemail, drink that wine.

Is that absolutely true?

What do you believe you will have, if you get it?

I would have Satisfaction! Contentment! Peace!

Can you absolutely know that this is true?

Because I found, my cravings always returned. They were never altogether satisfied.

The craving was temporarily satisfied…sort of. There was a cycle, a repeating, over and over endlessly.

An intense craving, an intense break-down and demand to attend to the craving, a wild attempt to do nothing but satisfy the craving, and an intense hatred of myself, a sadness, a not-enoughness, an intense craving….

Maybe, there was a craving that was present, no matter what was happening.

A discontent, a longing, a hoping, a demand, a desire to change what is and reach for more, different, more, different.

Yikes. I can’t absolutely know that it’s true that if this craving were relieved, I would be satisfied.

I can’t know that if the baby stopped screaming, I would be totally and completely content and peaceful.

I might start thinking of something else, of other things to do, to seek.

Who would I be without the thought “I want it!”

Woah. But that thought is so big, sooooo all-consuming. So….

I asked who would you be without the thought?

You may have to take a moment to imagine this. To feel it. To see what it would be like to be you only not thinking ONLY of how you want something.

Like a tree, a cat, a person you know who doesn’t appear to believe they want something very often.

It may take a moment of imagination, because being without this thought is very foreign.

I know that when I stopped wanting food so much, and so frequently….when the obsession dropped away….I had other things I wanted, like money, happiness, a partner, enlightenment, adventure, excitement, fame, attention, success.

These would flow in and out, the dangling carrots.

Let yourself imagine. Let yourself see who you would be without the belief that you want it.

The thing is in your awareness, it is around. You’re in the same room (the same neighborhood). You know where this thing is.

But you don’t have the thought that you want it desperately. That you must have it.

You may find yourself first just willing to imagine….

….then interested in imagining….who you are without the belief that you want that thing.

Looking around at your world, and feeling in your body, catching the sense of who you really are without this thought.

You may become curious about what you notice. So curious that your craving sits down in a chair and stops screaming so loud.

(Tell the craving that it can stay as long as it wants, you are OK with it being there, you’re not trying to obliterate it).

Who are you without the thought that you want what you think you want?

“Please do not think of truth in mystical terms or even in spiritual terms. Truth refers to the whole of existence and beyond. Truth exists as much in your teacup as it does in your temples and churches. Truth is as present in shopping for your groceries as it is in chanting to God.” ~ Adyashanti

We are about to enter the season in many cultures of celebratory feasting. If you are ready to look at your cravings for food deeply, to look at your deep beliefs about what it means to feel hungry, full, fat, or thin….then come on over and join the 8 week teleclass Horrible Food Wonderful Food meeting on Fridays 9 – 10:30 am Pacific time.

I’ve never taught the class right at this time, during what many think of as food and eating season. This is gonna be good!

We start November 1st and meet every Friday until December 20th.  Yes, even the day after Thanksgiving (if you live in the USA).

Don’t wait until the usual time to start developing peace with food. Come now. Use your experience to investigate your urges, cravings, drive, obsessions.

I’d love you to join me. Hit reply if you’re interested and we’ll take it from there.

Love, Grace

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Could I Be Wrong About Myself?

Feeling remorse about your own behavior is a horrible feeling. It hits you in your body, your stomach, and in your feelings and thoughts like a dark sticky cloud.

Not long ago I was working with a woman who had the same bulimia behaviors I used to have. Going on these eating frenzies, consuming frantically, and then forcing herself to vomit once she couldn’t hold any more.

As I sat in my quiet cottage, on skype, hearing this woman’s words and sadness (which I’ve done many times with many clients) I remembered vividly the strange trance of addiction with food.

It can be any addiction really.

The urge seems to enter into your world and take over, like a magical evil fog.

Then the actual behavior, so destructive and painful. Sometimes like a tornado, sometimes violent, sometimes getting up and going back to the fridge for a little more, and then a little more, so many times until being stuffed.

Then later, I’d wake up after the whole nightmare was over and have some period of rest….before the next time.

No matter what it is you did when you feel regret, it’s pretty stressful…but when you’ve engaged in addictive behavior of some kind like overeating…your sense of esteem after the whole episode is over can be absolutely horrendous.

I did it again. I’m such a loser. I’m so weak. I’ll never change. No one would love the real me, that does this. I’m greedy, selfish, wrong. I deserve to die. 

There are tons of other activities that seem to enter the human experience of addiction.

Eating, drinking alcohol, doing drugs, smoking, cleaning the house compulsively, watching screens/videos/TV, shopping, pornography, lying, betting.

All of them offer a phase of reflection, when the behavior or activity is completed for the moment, and regret and remorse enters the scene.

It felt like I was my own worst enemy, but it was super heavy in those moments after the current storm passed. Before the next one.

I couldn’t stand myself. I couldn’t take this cycle anymore. If it kept going, I would prefer to die!

The thing about these terrible moments is that there is tremendous emphasis and focus on how terrible we are…..and it hides some other really, really important stressful beliefs.

Even when what you did wasn’t all that bad, but it’s something you promised you wouldn’t do again.

You procrastinated, you bought another music CD, you yelled at your kid, you ordered another book.

In that moment, when normally you’ve hated yourself, see if you can dig in and find some other beliefs, even if the ones that are against you are screaming loudly, that were happening BEFORE you went on your raving trip into mind-altering behavior.

Often, there is something that scared you. Something that made you really mad (also fear). Something that made you sad (fear of loss). Something that made you uncomfortable (fear again). Something that made you giddy (huge excitement, kinda feels like fear).

Bingo.

If you can find one thing you were afraid of a few hours ago, right before you had the idea to go on a binge, right before you decided you had to have a cigarette.

If it wasn’t before, don’t even worry much about that.

Just notice what you think of as scary in your life.

The client I was working with noticed one thing she was afraid of in those evening moments, alone in the house, hours before bedtime, when she felt like eating everything in sight.

Empty space.

Then her mind would start to think about what she should be doing, from cleaning the bathroom to developing her career and earning more money, to finding a mate.

It was easier to start snacking.

But, not really.

It is not easier to avoid your thoughts. It is not easier to avoid your feelings. It is not easier to pretend that your thoughts aren’t bothering you.

It is easier to notice that you are a believer of very painful beliefs.

And investigate if they are true.

I found that actually, it’s your only choice.

“People who aren’t interested in seeing why everything is good get to be right. But that apparently rightness comes with disgruntlement, and often depression and separation. Depression can feel serious. So ‘counting the genuine ways that this unexpected event happened FOR me, rather than TO me’ is not a game. It’s an exercise in observing the nature of life. It’s a way of putting yourself back into reality, into the kindness of the nature of things.” ~ Byron Katie

In that moment, when your head comes up out of the water and you’ve stop eating, or spending, or you wake up sober….

….can you even consider the turnarounds to be as true or truer than your thoughts about how awful you’ve been.

I did it again. Some part of me is losing, and that’s OK. I’m so powerful. There is a central part of me that never changes (good), and I have the power to change at any second. The whole world loves me, even when I’ve done my crazy behaviors. I’m greedy for love and joy (good), I’m selfish and that is appropriate, I’m afraid. I deserve to live. 

What is this moment, this thought, this experience offering me? There is a gift.

Yes, even in this painful moment.

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Just Sit There

This past weekend someone wrote to me asking what happened with food that made me go from anxiety-ridden anger around my relationship with eating….

….to enjoying it with the deepest gratitude, taking care of this body the best way I know, no fear, war over.

I woke up this morning thinking about that question. It was very, very quiet, no wind wildly blowing outside as it had been for nearly 24 hours. No wind chimes ringing.

Wild blowing and stormy rain pelting down, now turned to silence.

How would I sum up the Before and After, years of learning, contemplating, experimenting, failing, inquiring, and being in relationship with food?

I was working with a woman once who said that as soon as we started doing inquiry together, her binge-eating got worse.

I remember going through “bad” spells of eating. Like the volume was turned up to higher, I couldn’t give it a rest.

I would get distracted, my attention moving over to something else (finally) and doing some kind of other activity, enjoying friends, working, reading, seeing a movie, feeling entertained, moving physically….

…..when I’d have the idea to eat. I might be hungry, I might not.

How I ate didn’t seem to have a heck of a lot to do with hunger. It overlapped sometimes, but mostly how I ate had to do with what my MIND thought should or shouldn’t happen with food, not my body.

That mind can be so bossy!

But really, it was trying to help. When there’s a problem, the mind can get VERY INTERESTED in solutions.

To put it mildly.

However, when I look back at my previous self, the one with the eating problems, there were a few beliefs very solidly in place that I never even bothered to question at first.

Once I did, it was like breaking out of prison. One spoonful of dirt at a time…I’m not sayin’ it was instantaneous!

  • Empty time is frightening and mysterious, I should be doing something important or productive
  • If I’m feeling huge big feelings, it’s dangerous…especially fear and anger
  • life is chaotic, unpredictable, strange…and this is bad
  • I am all alone when it comes down to it….also bad
  • lots of other people are suffering, unhappy and needy…I’m supposed to help them feel better or avoid them
  • I have to do it right: look right, live right, eat right, breathe right, think right, work right (and it’s impossible to be perfect)
  • the world is a dangerous, weird, chaotic place

Yikes! Not exactly a peaceful relationship with Reality, the World, this Universe.

The good news?

All of the beliefs don’t have to dissolve instantly for you or anyone to find some relief around food and eating.

Even just thinking about only one of these stressful concepts and asking yourself if it is absolutely 100% true, if you are SURE that This Situation (being on the planet) is creepy, uncomfortable, frightening or hard…

…might bring in some doubt about what’s going on around here.

You are not safe in this moment….is that true?

This quietness is uncomfortable, you are lonely, angry, outraged, scared…and you can’t deal with it….is that true?

How do I react when I believe a situation is dangerous, or frightening?

I work on protecting myself, I try not to think about it, I hide under the table, I smile when I’m actually very sad, I avoid other people, I’m not entirely honest, I don’t get support, I pretend I’m OK, I help others instead of me, I fill up the empty space of silence with eating food (or whatever other activity helps fill the void).

Who would I be without the thought that Things Are Dangerous or Scary? Or that things are off, unpredictable, disappointing?

Without the thought that food, people, bodies, eating or any of it is wrong, was wrong before, or will be wrong in the future?

I am willing to be with empty, unknown, wild, mysterious space. I notice that the present moment is not so bad after all.

I notice how safe I am in this second, because I’m here.

Without the thought that the world is a dangerous place, or life is risky then I feel kind, loving, patient, surrendered.

I’m waiting, open, resting. So much more relaxed.

I don’t feel like eating. My craving fades away.

I turn my beliefs around to the opposite, to try them on. They could be just as true, or truer.

  • Empty time is exciting and mysterious, just being here is important and productive, without having to DO anything
  • If I’m feeling huge big feelings, it’s wonderful and thrilling…especially fear and anger (or could those feelings be love and power?)
  • life is loving, predictable, familiar…and this is fabulous
  • I am not alone when it comes down to it….also fabulous!
  • lots of other people are joyful, happy and satisfied…I’m supposed to helpmyself feel better when I’m with them all
  • there is no “right” way: I am succeeding
  • the world is a friendly, unusual, brilliant , trusting place

There’s wild wind, then it stops, then there’s silence, and then there’s a breeze again.

Am I all right, whatever the weather?

“Just sit there right now, don’t do a thing. Just rest. For your separation from God, from Love, is the hardest work in this World. Let me bring you trays of food and something that you like to drink. You can use my soft words as a cushion for your Head.” ~ Hafiz

Inquire, relax, rest and eating food (and those compulsive activities) fall away, fall into place, fall into emptiness.

Love, Grace

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Have To, Must, Never, Always and Other Lies

Not long ago I was working with a lovely man concerned with his computer addiction.

“I have to quit” he said. “Hours and hours go by with me staring at the screen, bouncing from site to site”.

I remembered other inquirers looking at their internet use, signing up for porn sites either for free or paying for subscriptions, movies, you tube, vines, vlogs, blogs, research, reading articles, email, facebook, linked in, pinterest, google plus.

Uh…watching “non-dual” speakers (there are hundreds) talk about the nature of reality. Heh heh.

I remember another person I once knew when he first introduced himself to me talking about his sobriety and how he never, never, ever, ever, never would ever take a drink again and could never, ever be with people who drank alcohol.

He was drunk a couple of weeks later.

Pronouncements that are full of across-the-board this-is-it FOREVER often have a bit of an extreme edge.

They are infused with force. At least when I have uttered these kinds of statements and there’s a kind of push….then I feel angry, discouraged, defiant, terrified, violent.

Not exactly kind, easy-going, or peaceful.

A very common cry in the addictive cycle is to say words like “I have to” or “I will never” or “I will always”.

There you are, reaching for the big yummy container of ice cream, filled with craving. Or reaching for your cigarettes and lighter. Or thinking about that beer. Or feeling a need to check your emails. Or deciding to watch videos.

In that very moment, what do you want? If you engage in the behavior, did you get what you want?

I used to want to let my anger out. To talk to people and tell the damn truth for once.

But instead, I would then think “I can’t tell the truth, that won’t help, I’ll be rejected, my anger is too strong, I am too needy, I want to be a nice person but I don’t feel nice, I’m too critical, I’ll settle for over-eating instead.”

That all happened in about 2/10ths of a second.

DANGER WILL ROBINSON, don’t tell the truth, don’t be REAL. Worse things will happen.

You’ll be rejected, obliterated, annihilated, lonely, alone, dead, insane, you’ll hurt other people…it will be bad.

Seriously. Go for the behavior instead. Change channels. Shut the craving down.

It seemed like my best choice at the time, based on what I believed, to eat alone, instead of truly expose myself.

Who would you be without the thought that at your core, without the addictive behavior to “help” manage your feelings or cover up your unhappiness, you are rotten and unlovable (when you’re upset)?

What if you realize that yes, when you touch a hot stove it burns, but you don’t need to throw the stove out of the house or stay away from stoves for the rest of your life?

What if you could relax when you have a strong urge or craving, and be curious?

What if your want, desire, urge, reaching, grasping is just a part of you, and a part of this big interesting invitation to see what is really, honestly true for you in that moment?

Are you SURE you wanna do that thing you think you wanna do?

“The biggest human temptation is to settle for too little”. ~ Thomas Merton 

Are you SURE you DON’T want to do it? Are you SURE you want to stop?

Ah, there’s a question. Because for me, the answer was obviously “no”. Because I didn’t.

What if I wasn’t so against and resistant to this terrible craving, so filled with fury, wanting to control it, anger, extreme thinking, emptiness?

Who would I be without the thought that I MUST stop, I have to, I can never, I must be vigilant, I should always….

Wow. Relieved. Fascinated. So much more energy. Connected. Wondering. Open. Possibility.

Free.

Could this craving be a gift?

I now look back and see….yes, yes, yes.

“Resist your temptation to lie by speaking of separation from God, otherwise we may have to medicate You. In the ocean a lot goes on beneath your eyes. Listen, they have clinics there too for the insane who persist in saying things like: ‘I am independent from the Sea, God is not always around gently pressing against my body.’ ” ~ Hafiz

Instead of shutting yourself down, medicating yourself with shame or unhappiness at your own behaviors, or lying about what an unreliable, grabby, addicted person you are….consider instead the turnaround to be true.

In that moment of desire, urgency, reaching…could there be something more satisfying, more thrilling, more wonderful, bigger, deeper, more beautiful than you’re aware of?

What if you are aware, you’re just pretending that you’re not? What if that’s the moment you’ve been waiting for….connection to All This?

What if you can handle the fire?

If I can, you can too.

The One Year Program is devoted to staying in inquiry, when you apparently think it might be easier to believe your lies. Join us.

Love, Grace

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Thank you, Relationship With Food

Most of you know that I consider one of my first difficult relationships the one I developed with food and eating.

It came in as a distinct relationship around adolescence, the usual time young people are becoming interested in adulthood, attraction to others, sexuality, greater responsibility.

I was afraid of the universe. Things did NOT look all that safe to me.

But from that time forward, I can honestly say that I never, ever stayed happily, openly, easily, freely on any kind of a food plan or diet.

I would decide on a late afternoon one day, “tomorrow, I am going to quit consuming Evil Sugar in all forms” and by 9:30 am the next morning I would decide “nevermind, I am going to eat whatever the hell I want”.

I gave up going on food plans or diets pretty early in my troubled eating experience. It was extremely painful to fail, when I already felt like a big failure around food and eating.

Well, recently, after hearing about it for a few years, I came to the conclusion that for three weeks, it was a pretty darn good idea for me to make some changes in my diet.

Which means, not eating whatever I want, whenever I want it.

This is honestly the first time I can remember doing this in my life since my relationship to food stopped being a violent war zone, 25 years ago.

If I’ve done some kind of food plan or been under medical guidance to not eat something, I can’t remember it, so it didn’t make a big impact.

My story has continued to be, I will eat whatever, whenever, however, whichever I want.

Sort of rebellious, I must confess.

But also, a great exploration in experimenting, learning to not be afraid of particular foods I had been told were evil (like candy), finding out for myself what actually worked for me and what didn’t.

I was so deeply committed to seeing things without a moral evaluation attached.

When I was young, people actually would say, when they ate certain foods, that it was naughty, sneaky, cheating, or bad.

Like there was some kind of dark, seductive, haunting, terrible force in that food…like the DEVIL.

But recently, all these years later….there I was actually reading about food chemistry, calories, agents, molecules, all because I thought I’d do some research on some symptoms I was having…

….and I wound up cutting out a bunch of types of food from my normal daily diet.

Just a temporary experiment, allowing myself to see what is actually true for this particular body.

Here’s the funny part I wanted to share with you all: the day after I decided it sounded interesting to do this….an old voice called me on the inner-mind telephone.

“Uh, Grace….remember me? I’m the rebellious teenager who will not be denied here. You are skating on thin ice. Do you want to fail? Are you sure you want to cut out those yummy foods you eat EVERY DAY? This is a little too much focus on food, don’t you think?”

It crossed my mind to drop the whole thing. After maybe 15 hours, 8 of which I was asleep.

Almost immediately, I recognized the fear in that voice, the one who thinks it will be deprived, starving, frightened, restricted, controlled, bossed around, and abused.

Long ago, my restriction of food, and then the huge binge-eating episodes, was like the Dictator in the Concentration Camp withholding food in a war with a Raging Urge to Stay Alive.

Back then, it was outright war, and no solution. Everyone lost, all the time.

No happiness or joy in any of those extreme swings.

I felt great compassion for that old self, so terrified as it once was.

And I saw the idea floating up to be questioned “I can’t handle this, I will be deprived, this will hurt, I won’t get what I want, too scary, too hard.”

Is that true?

Can I really absolutely know for sure that eliminating these foods and doing an experiment of eating other things instead will be too hard, that I’ll be deprived or scared or angry or hungry?

No. I can’t know that for sure.

In fact, the whole point is to see if the opposite is true. Jeez.

“So, how do you get back to heaven? To begin with, just notice the thoughts that take you away from it. You don’t have to believe everything your thoughts tell you. Just become familiar with the particular thoughts you use to deprive yourself of happiness. It may seem strange at first to get to know yourself in this way, but becoming familiar with your stressful thoughts will show you the way home to everything you need.” ~ Byron Katie

Who would I be without the belief that switching around what I am eating in this time/space reality is gonna be difficult, in any way?

Totally excited to play this game. Noticing the fun of learning. Noticing how easy it is to say “no” and then say “yes” and take care of this body the best I know how to, for today.

Turning that impulse around that believes this food experience could mean deprivation, I find these words coming alive: “I can handle this, I will be satisfied, I am satisfied right now, this will heal, I will get what I want, this isn’t scary, this is easy, this is actually fun.”

 “Life always gives us exactly the teacher we need at every moment. This includes every mosquito, every misfortune, every red light, every traffic jam, every obnoxious supervisor (or employee), every illness, every loss, every moment of joy or depression, every addiction, every piece of garbage, every breath. Every moment is the Guru.” ~ Joan Tollifson

Even a little idea about changing the way we eat….which may be a bigger idea than we think….is our teacher.

For me, one of the greatest teachers, a holy representation of my belief about life.

Thank you, Relationship With Food.

Love, Grace

P.S. Weekend intensive on Food and Eating in Seattle December 14-15, 2013. Click HERE for brief description—more on this coming soon.