Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
When I used to be invited to a potluck, a feast, a celebration, a party, a huge dinner, a brunch, a birthday….OK, you name it, a place where there was food all over….
….I started getting anxious about the food long before I went.
If it’s really good, I’ll eat from one end of the room to the other, all the while faking like I’m normal, and then ditch out of there.
I won’t eat anything at all. I’ll have a salad. I’ll drink soda water with lemon slices.
I’ll call and ask them beforehand to make some special no-skin chicken or other specially prepared food that’s plain, non-triggering, and pure or healthy or “right”.
Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!
What I really wanted was to NOT BE THINKING ABOUT IT BEFORE IT HAPPENED.
I didn’t want to be concerned in any way with the food.
I wanted to relax today, in the present moment, and eat when hungry and stop eating when full, and enjoy food and eating immensely.
Well….when you’ve used food for emotional safety and comfort, when you’ve used food to replenish you after you’ve been starving yourself, when you’ve used food to help you with your feelings….it’s going to have a pretty big role in your life.
First thing to do: don’t beat yourself up into a pulp.
Seriously, if you knew any better, you would have done it differently long ago.
Food has been reliable in many ways, and YOU are not a terrible awful person for relying on it.
Today I share with you one kind of funny way to handle big food events, feasts, and times when food is a gigantic focus (and by the way, these will eventually be absolutely wonderful celebrations for you, too, in a very normal way).
I call it the Slowing Down step, which is the first step in a series of seven I sometimes talk about when it comes to healing food and eating.
And here’s the fun news: I’m inspired to offer an entirely free MasterClass on all seven steps to Eating Peace.
If you’d like to register for the MasterClass, please click here. We’ll meet on Wednesday, November 23rd at 1:00 pm. Please set aside 90 minutes, but we may be done in less.
Can’t wait to bring you this masterclass training, it will be the very first time I’m doing it in this particular format, and I hope it gives you fantastic practices for any upcoming feast!
Watch here for the first Slowing Down step and how you can bring it to your next feast. (Hint: there’s a little bit of Step Seven in what I share here today….they all become a big process together, bringing you thinking, feeling and eating peace).
Who would you be, in that serious situation, without the belief you’re in danger? Could you be supported?
Today is the anniversary of my father’s death.
It was a very long time ago, and I’m so used to living without him being physically present in my life, there is no dreadful pain about his absence.
But it wasn’t always this way.
When he first got diagnosed with incurable, terminal cancer, a wave went driving through me of deep fear, anguish, and grief.
It was terrible, horrible news.
I was filled with dread.
In Year of Inquiry we’re really diving deep in our third month together into some great and profound questions, related to fear.
I remembered vividly, when I heard someone else’s work on the fear they had for their own child’s safety….
….the fear I felt when I learned my father was going to die.
Worrying about someone else is so stressful.
But here’s what I absolutely love about inquiry. It can open up your mind to seeing clearly, and seeing beyond the fear.
What is safety? Why do I feel so unsafe, in this situation? What am I expecting of myself, or of others, or of life….when I think it’s threatening?
And hey, wait a minute!
Where did I get this idea anyway, that something’s OFF and unsafe or dangerous?
Is it this situation, or Reality, that is off? Or my thinking?
We know intellectually that Byron Katie and other thought leaders and spiritual teachers are offering perspective on this whole “mind” and “thinking” thing, right?
Katie suggests our thinking is the cause of suffering, not the actual conditions of reality. She invites us to look, over and over, as a practice.
“Nothing terrible has ever happened, except in our thinking. Reality is always good, even in situations that seem like nightmares. The story we tell is the only nightmare that we have lived.” ~ Byron Katie
Holy Smokes….let’s test it out.
Let’s look at this very common and VERY troubling belief: I am not safe.
Notice you can only think you should be experiencing something different, this “safe” thing, if you believe you aren’t and it’s bad, bad, bad.
I am not safe (TERRIBLE)!
Is it true?
To really dig into this inquiry as you read, find a situation in which you felt unsafe. Emotionally, physically, spiritually–whatever your circumstance.
Is it true, you’re in danger?
Yes!
I remember the circumstances, many of them, when I felt unsafe.
The doctor is telling me the tumor on my leg is cancer. I’m in full-stop traffic miles away, with my 5 year old standing in the rain in the dark by himself, waiting. I’m reading an alarming text. I’m reading an email that says someone’s coming over NOW and they are desperate. I’m hearing a phone message where someone implies I’m a liar, and another phone message where someone says I’m not being a good friend.
I learn someone very close to me (like my dad) are very sick or going to die. I’m suddenly at the scene of a car accident right after it happened. I can’t reach the man I have a crush on, he’s not ever calling me back. I open the trunk of my car and see it’s empty–all my luggage has been stolen.
Not safe! Surely!
You are not safe.
Is it absolutely true for all time, beyond all doubt?
I pause, wondering about this moment, holding still.
Astonishingly, I notice I can’t know it’s absolutely true I am not safe. Even though I just injured myself, even though someone I love just received a diagnosis, even though my stuff is apparently gone (stolen) and I feel energy coursing through me. I can’t absolutely know I am not safe.
Wow.
How do you react when you believe “this is a threat, I am not safe, this is dangerous”?
I clench up tight. I stop breathing deeply. I want to quit everything, why bother trying in this dangerous world? I see pictures of how things will go (badly) and terrible scenes I imagine for the future, and sad memories from the past. I attack myself, or I attack the attackers in my mind.
I condemn nervousness or anxiety as bad and wrong, and I act tough. I avoid any place or any person who threatens me. THEY are the one making me feel this terrible feeling of danger, after all.
I treat myself like I’m meek and tiny, and unable to handle these feelings or this threat. I run.
So who would you be without this thought, this story of the lack of safety? What if you didn’t know this person, this situation, was dangerous?
Some people think, with this question….my God, I’d be crazy! I’d be walking right into something without fear, and not even know it.
Bingo.
And this isn’t about being passive, or being stupid and defying gravity or something.
You can still follow traffic rules, make lists of pros and cons for spending money, notice you drop everything and leave your house when you learn your kid has a broken wrist at school.
But you’re taking action without terror. You’ve moved, without personally believing it MUST go a certain way, or else.
You do the most efficient, kind, loving thing. That’s who you are, without panic. Someone who cares. Someone who moves to help, if you’re able.
I once remember Katie facilitating someone through their thought “I’m afraid of the cancer in my body!”
She asked the person; “Do you think the cancer is more likely to go away…if you hate it and fear it, or you don’t mind it’s there?”
Hmmm.
Without the belief that I’m threatened…..WOW. I’m wondering where this is going? I’m open. I’m stepping forward, even if it’s in the dark. I’m feeling about, I’m curious, even excited.
Even about the Big Fears, like death and loss and change.
Turning the thought around: I am not threatened in this situation, I am not in danger, I am safe.
Could this be just as true, or truer?
What part of you is OK?
I notice, I’m alive, I’m unhurt physically, I thought I was threatened but actually I only read words, or heard words. Bodies are temporary, and some last longer than others. Things are temporary, too.
Without the belief that I’m unsafe, as I hear troubling news from someone else, I might just sit, stay connected to the person, notice I have only kindness to offer and speaking isn’t necessary.
Turning it around even further: I am supported, all is well, everything is not only OK but brilliant, loving, wonderful.
I know that sounds a bit over the top, considering some of the human situations we find ourselves in. I’m not saying I’d be happy in some very grave, shocking news.
And yet….who knows what is possible?
I notice I would live, even if my child died. I notice I lived, even though my father did die. I notice I’m sitting in a very quiet room, with a heater humming hot air into the space, and a beautiful orange lamp shining, with a cup of peppermint tea and some apple slices sitting within reach. It is extremely safe.
It is as if, right now in this very moment, nothing terrible HAS ever happened, unless I remember or think about it.
It is true that I am only threatened if I THINK.
What I notice, too, is when I was in very apparently dangerous situations, I did not actually “think”.
Thinking happened afterwards. I took in what was happening, I moved, I ducked, I ran, I waited, I showed up, I left.
Who was I without my story?
Life in action. Human, being itself.
Human learning something different. Human discovering what it’s like to not believe it’s thoughts.
Human living with no requirements, conditions, demands (except in thought)….or true lack of safety, ever.
Human spinning through space on a small planet called earth, here for a few seconds by comparison to Reality.
Here, noticing what is sweet and lovely, and bitter and difficult, and noticing I’m not running this joint.
Thank God.
“The Master acts without doing anything and reaches without saying anything. Things arise and she lets them come; things disappear and she lets them go. She has but doesn’t possess, acts but doesn’t expect. When her work is done, she forgets it. That is why it lasts forever.” ~ Tao Te Ching #2 (Translated by Stephen Mitchell)
Much love,
Grace
P.S. If you notice anxiety, fear, nerves, emptiness, boredom, anger when it comes to eating, food and body….I’m offering a MasterClass on Wednesday, November 23rd 1:00-2:30 pm. Eating Peace: How To Question Your Thoughts That Drive Off-Balance Eating. Register here.
When they’re angry…. ….you don’t have to close your heart over it
The first time I really paid attention to Leonard Cohen’s music was at Byron Katie’s School for The Work in March 2005.
Leonard was someone who had been raked through the horrible doubt of wondering whether life was worth living. And been forced, in a way, to question what he was thinking and believing to be true.
His music expressed it and inspired this investigation.
And it sure can be wildly helpful to be inspired in your inquiry, because it’s not exactly an easy journey to explore what you’ve always believed to be true.
Even a terrible, awful, no good, very bad belief might at least have solid ground, be something you’ve felt certain of.
You feel like you can count on knowing what’s wrong, and what’s right. What’s good and what’s evil.
That over there is No Good. That condition on planet earth, my family, my dad, my mom, my grandfather, people who do “x”, other people who act like “y”, that country, this war, that dreaded incident.
At least I KNOW they are evil, bad, wrong or not for me. When someone or something is horrible, I know who to stay away from.
But what if you’re wrong about that?
It’s usually not anywhere near as black and white as we make it. There is no 100% all-time clear solid “evil” and no solid 100% clear “good”.
But let’s say, just for fun (ahem) you think Someone or Something is pretty close to 100% badness.
Kind of stressful, right?
I have someone in mind. So let’s do The Work.
That person is evil, terrible, negative, wrong, rude, hateful.
I see someone in my mind who is right now doing a stellar job of cutting off all friends and family in her life connected to a certain circle. She’s slapping sarcastic statements around full of spitting judgment, nasty comments, global sweeping comments like “you all have never, ever been supportive….”
Is it true, that name-caller is bad? Evil? Acting like the names they’re using on other people? Unforgiving?
YES.
She must be really messed up, to be so mean and vicious. In fact, I’m sure she is. Prejudiced. She doesn’t know or care about me personally at all. She’s acting exactly the same way as the people she’s accusing. WORSE. She….
Oh. Right. Answer the question.
Can you absolutely know that person is evil, wrong and bad to the core?
No.
How do you react when you believe they are?
The wall between us is 7 miles wide. The energy feels caustic and hateful. The fear is flowing, or the grief.
I avoid her. I try not to ever think about her, but I do anyway.
So who would you be if you didn’t believe that person in question was evil, bad, wrong, hateful, terrible, dangerous?
It doesn’t mean you’re pretending they aren’t acting destructive or you’re denying and playing like they don’t matter.
This question is asked while you STARE at that person, sitting in their presence in your mind, holding them in your thoughts, remembering their words or their emails.
Who would you be, watching what they did and said, without the story they are EVIL or bad, wrong, whatever your words are that describe what you’re seeing?
I’d become aware of how terrified that person is. How desperate. I’d see how they are believing many thoughts and following them without question. I’d see how much they suffer and complain and demand and tantrum and they don’t know how to connect, love, share, or relax.
Would I like to be that person? Not at all. I know what it’s like to believe with a vengeance. I’ve done it many times, when thinking about them.
So what would it really feel like to pause a moment and wonder what it’s like over there, without the belief it’s wrong to be like that?
What’s the reality?
This person is acting like that, saying that, doing that. This isn’t about agreeing with it. But notice what happens when you argue with reality.
You lose.
As I return over and over again to who I would be without the thought, I remember I am not forcing myself into some kind of mind-game, but instead I’m interested in opening up to Not Being The Knower (since I find it’s incredibly stressful, and often inaccurate).
How would I treat myself, how would it feel to be me in this moment as I look over there at that fuming person, who’s obviously very upset?
I’d feel compassion. I’d feel the hurt and heartbreak, too. I’d notice my heart, deeply, and how connected I actually feel, even in the middle of the disconnect.
In my situation, as I think of this person I’ve known for many years who has gotten very upset with everyone and been extremely judgmental….without the thought she’s wrong or evil….
….I notice how quiet it is over here in my own business, with myself. All that happened is someone got upset. She had her reasons. I don’t have to understand them all Right Now.
Turning the thought around: that person is good, right, creative, loving. I am evil, bad, wrong…especially when it comes to my thinking about that person.
This is not about slapping yourself for doing it wrong, being judgy, doing it poorly, making a mistake, screwing it up, or using your bad-ness as proof for why that person got upset in the first place.
Can you really know it has something to do with YOU that they got so upset? Can you really know YOU caused the rift, the difficulty, the anger? Can you really know if you had done it differently, it would have gone another way, or any better?
No.
Good to notice.
I do see that when I believe someone else is completely evil or weird, I myself am full of feelings of disgust, rage, worry, sadness and other stressful emotions coursing through my system.
Not so positive. Not so Can-Do. Not so relaxed.
And that person over there, she’s doing the best she can. She’s taking care of herself. She’s trying a new experiment. It’s probably perfect for her….not wishing for connection with an old group she’s been very disappointed in, and instead dropping that expectation and venturing out on her own.
These activities are worthy, good, supportive of something in her own life. She’s becoming more independent. She needs the adventure, the break, to connect with different and new people instead.
Nothing wrong with that at al! It’s very loving to herself, to stop interacting with people she doesn’t enjoy, or who she gets wildly triggered by.
Plus, it gives the rest of the old circle a break, including me.
How could this whole interaction, with that person having a hissy fit, and my mind having one, and all that’s gone along with it….
….how could this experience be OK, interesting, an invitation, something deeply powerful and important that needed to happen?
I might not know fully yet.
But one thing I do see….is the Universe has Got This.
It’s allowing what is. No one single person is in charge (I notice I sure am not, and neither is the other person I’m so concerned about). I do the best I can, I question my thinking, I relax into this movie….
….and suddenly, I’m inspired instead of despairing.
Being fully connected with that angry person is not required physically, in person, or verbally, or in writing at the moment. I can feel love and joy for their impact on my life, and this quiet moment I can also appreciate immensely.
Now that’s an exciting, loving, good, softer, unexpected story.
Not an evil one.
Who knows what could happen next, with a freer heart? I might rise up into something I never anticipated. I might create beautiful music. I’d stay present, and roll up my sleeves.
“Here’s to the few who forgive what you do, and the fewer who don’t even care.” ~ Leonard Cohen d. 11/10/2016
“Do not let anything that happens in life be important enough that you’re willing to close your heart over it.” ~ Michael Singer
If you’re a member of the Institute for The Work (for people who have attended The School for The Work who go on to regular practice and training) I’m teaching a fabulous five week course called “Basics” starting Monday, Nov. 14th at 4:00 pm. (Two spots left by the way….come join us if you’re in ITW!)
Now, the reason I’m mentioning this here in Grace Notes is because ANYONE can create this “BASIC” approach to doing your own self-inquiry work.
And you WANT to give attention to the simple, basic details of this work….because this is your freedom we’re talking about. Your thoughts and your answers. Your transformation.
This can be especially helpful if you notice you’ve done The Work on the same person about 100 times.
(Not that I’d know anything about this).
So, how do you get back to basics?
The key is slowing waaaaay down when you feel the explosion or sudden hit of emotional stress….and taking out that pen and paper so you can identify what you’re believing and thinking in writing.
The key is to spend deliberately quiet thoughtful time answering the questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
Try it right now if you like.
First of all, here’s a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. Open it up, so you can see the questions clearly if you don’t have them memorized.
Now, think of an uncomfortable situation. Something that happened with another person where you felt unappreciated, hurt, attacked, misunderstood.
Again, this is the first and deeply important step in doing The Work is what we’re calling the basics: IDENTIFYING what you’re thinking that hurts in the first place.
If you have a situation where you’ve gotten bugged, you’re going to pause and answer these questions, maybe more slowly than you ever have before….rather than full speed ahead in REACTING mode like we always did before we heard of The Work.
I notice reaction all the time, by the way. Something happens or something is said or a tiny transgression appears in my day, a little disappointment….and I feel scared, or sad, or nervous, or worried.
Most of us have this going on….we receive or encounter something, we have contact with another person, and if it’s scary or sad or upsetting, we’ll have feelings buzzing or crashing around inside.
I know sometimes these feelings are like a tornado, sometimes thunder and lightening, sometimes an irritating mosquito. It doesn’t matter the level, though, or the height of the emotion….
….the thing is noticing it, and then thinking “Ah ha! I will write down what I’m thinking right now! This could be interesting!”
(Or, this could save my life).
Doing this first step in The Work is an incredible practice, a habit to get into when encountering something uncomfortable, or devastating. You have something, besides being dragged around by your feelings, to explore with your mind.
Sometimes, what I notice about big strong feelings is, there’s a panic to “do” something, to take action, as soon as possible. Fix it, resolve it, get to safety, figure this problem out.
DO something about the feeling itself.
All that can go on, and the actual behavior you notice yourself doing when you practice The Work is….walking over to the place where you keep paper, or opening up your phone app if you like doing The Work on your device, and holding still a moment so you can “catch” your speeding thoughts on paper.
In this Basics course, I love that we spend primary time on getting the stressful thoughts down….not so much on actually “doing” The Work although we do that too (which is answering the four questions) but concentrating on giving ourselves the freedom and clarity of writing down what the heck we’re thinking that brings on so much stress inside.
So if you’re up for this today, follow along:
The first question is “Who angers, confuses or disappoints you, and why?”
Sometimes, you may be tempted to go off a little on “why” this person angered, confused or disappointed you. Proving what a jerk they were. So go ahead and write a little if you’re moved. But then, bring yourself back to answering the question. You simply want to write, not so you start analyzing yourself or the other person. Not so you can find the “right” answer in your mind. Not so you justify your feelings.
No, if you do that, you could go down a rabbit hole for awhile.
Instead, sit with this question about why you’re so disturbed in this situation: right in that very moment you learned “x” or the person said “y” what were you feeling? Why did you feel it? Because that person ______.
Keep it simple.
What I like to do is write it down and then ask myself….does that really capture it? Is that why I’m upset? Or is there a clearer more striking reason? What’s going on here?
I don’t try to NOT be upset. (I notice it’s too late). I’m not trying to be anything.
I’m simply taking dictation from my thinking, without editing, without judging myself as a bad person, just letting things rip if they are, allowing it all to come alive on paper.
Then, you get to answer the other questions on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet.
How do you want that person to change? You can have a hissy fit, a tantrum, and feel like you’re 4 years old screaming your head off.
And let me tell you, it’s way better to do this on paper than directly to the person, which doesn’t always turn out well for anyone, right?
You don’t wind up feeling ashamed, saying things that aren’t really true in the end. You don’t attack and speak violently. You love and support yourself more….and the other person usually, too, by taking this space and time to write down what you’re thinking when you feel emotional pain.
Question three: What advice do you give this other human being, so they improve, or become easier to deal with, or care about you or themselves more….or so the situation becomes fun, relaxed, good (in your opinion)? The answer to this question always starts with “they should/he should/she should” or “they shouldn’t/she shouldn’t/he shouldn’t”.
Yes, we’ve all heard that “shoulding” on people is a drag (or on yourself) but let’s get it out, on the piece of paper, anyway.
This work is about writing down what comes to the stressed out, nervous, upset part of your mind and acknowledging it by writing it down. NOT by quickly trying to push these thoughts away, or to be non-judgmental, or to make yourself be gracious or kind or magnanimous.
No sirree, you get to catch these dark thoughts, the ones full of malice and hurt and pain, right here on the paper. We don’t even care about bringing in philosophies of how you “should” think or act in this type of situation. Instead, you’re writing down what you actually DO think that’s so stressful.
The fourth question on the JYN is “What do you need for this other person to do in order to be happy in this situation?”
It’s one of the best questions for sitting and answering much more slowly than we usually allow ourselves. What do you really, truly, honestly need this other person to do, say, think, feel, act like…..that would change your response to “happy” from “enraged” or “devastated”?
That’s a major question. Sometimes people say to me….what I need them to do is virtually impossible. It could never, ever happen and they will never, ever act that other “better” way.
I say, write it down anyway.
These are YOUR thoughts you’re living with and dealing with. To inquire into them will bring YOU peace of mind, no matter what that other person does in the end.
On the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet, you get to then write down two more items: first, call that person every name and quality you see in them. Cuss if you feel like it. She is_____. He is _____. Include all the ways you would describe them, all the words you use. This is your statement of what you see in this other, through your eyes.
It doesn’t mean you’re an awful person, if you write down terrible, mean, ugly, vicious things. This is only a part of the mind at work. It’s the scared, pessimistic, desperate part of your mind, the one that’s interested in YOU and self-preservation. The one that doubts you are supported.
That’s the part we’re working with, in all this inquiry work.
You can keep the trusting, joyful, easy-going parts of yourself. You can keep the faithful parts, your expansive mind, your loving impulses for connection and sharing.
Finally, on the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet the very last question six is one I love pondering: “What is it you never, ever want to experience again?”
Don’t you love how the mind will say this big grand statements like whatever answer you come up with to this last question? I don’t EVER, EVER want this to EVER happen again! NEVER!
Like you’re shaking your fist at the universe!
It’s so good to know what some fearful part of you decided in that situation. Because then….you can un-ravel it! You can inquire!
If you don’t question this, that fretting and suspicious part of the mind will focus very intently on avoiding anything that looks like that dreaded situation. You’ll be using tons of energy (at least I sure did) trying to get away from this sort of situation in the future.
Getting these answers very clear, spending time on your own precious thoughts, and the details, the exact way you personally answer the questions….
….is like finding a handful of gold nuggets in a river bed.
Or perhaps even a handful of diamonds. In a cave. Two miles underground.
Each crazy, stressful, ridiculous, immature thought can be taken all on its own through the four questions.
It’s simpler when you do this on paper, one at a time.
I know, I know….everyone wants to do The Work while driving. Me too. Can’t we just do this in our heads while going out to buy milk at the store?
When I do that, I miss significantly important pieces of this work, every single time. (You think?)
If you have a deep, painful issue….Step One is fill out the Judge Your Neighbor worksheet very slowly, thoroughly, with simple sentences and DO NOT JUDGE your own thoughts. You don’t have to show them to anyone.
But these thoughts are your ticket to freedom. At least, they have been for me.
From thework.com website: “The Work is a simple yet powerful process of inquiry that teaches you to identify and questionthe thoughts that cause all the suffering in the world. It’s a way to understand what’s hurting you, and to address the cause of your problems with clarity.”
If you’ve had trouble resolving a situation, bring it back to the basics.
Answer the questions, get your pain on paper.
Now, you can do something truly transformational with it: The Work.
Have you ever had someone get mad at you for doing something you needed to do? Something you knew was the right thing for your own life?
People experience someone becoming furious, mean, degrading, maybe even sarcastic or calling names in many situations. When breaking up with a romantic or business partner, quitting a job, laying someone off, telling a friend they’re unavailable, rescheduling an extremely important event….
….or even when very serious medical concerns make it so you have to cancel or change your plans.
You say “no”, maybe after weighing out the decision very deliberately, talking about it with others, feeling into what the best thing is to do, with the greatest integrity.
But the other person is totally offended. You’ve hurt them. You’ve shocked them. You’ve scared them.
This other person is incredibly disappointed. Even devastated.
And then….they get nasty.
I remember once a very dear friend saying to me in a conversation about romantic love; “you really learn deeply about someone when you break up with them and you see how they act, what they say, how they conduct themselves.”
Several years ago someone very close to me got offended with someone else in our small tight circle. There were five people in total involved.
The offended one wrote to the whole group, asking for support, via email.
There were a few questions from some of us, including me, all popping up on the email thread.
Wait…what happened? What is it you want? But, shouldn’t you be worried about “x” instead of her? I don’t understand what’s going on. Why aren’t you getting along? Why are you in this situation? What’s happening? Can we all meet to sort this thing out, because this is confusing, and it sounds hard!
There were some back and forth, even more confusing emails or texts. Some opinions shared. The desire for understanding.
But then the clincher.
A very sarcastic, cutting, deeply bitter text from the offended one to the whole group. Violent in wording. Accusing everyone of being separate, distant, uncaring and pointless. And that she’s no longer speaking to any of us. None of us understand her.
When I read it, I felt the pain of heartbreak. The way humans become resentful, seeing their plight as a personal attack. Making War.
We all know this story when it comes to couples.
I’ll never forget the shocking surprise I myself felt at being broken up with long ago by my partner at the time.
It was like a ball of fire in my gut. So outraged. Betrayed.
Thank God I had The Work, because I knew, deep stress = the sign to inquire, the sign I am believing something exceptionally stressful and frightening that is NOT really true for me.
I knew in my right mind, if someone wanted to break up, disengage, move on or change up the routine….
….if someone needed to quit, to stop, to try something new, to cancel….
….that it was possible I might trust the movement instead of taking it personally. I mostly didn’t want to react with such fear and panic, and violence even in my head, no matter what the reasons were.
And I was pretty dang violent in my head, when that guy broke up with me, that’s for sure.
“How DARE you break up with me! You owe me! After all I’ve done for you!”
Or the counter-position (and both usually are running at the very same time) “I am worthy of being left, I am unloveable, I am the one who is abandon-able. He doesn’t care about me.”
Ow.
When you’re speaking up, and you know someone could be disappointed on the other side of your request and concern, it takes a lot of courage to say it, if you’re worried about disappointing people.
“They shouldn’t be so disappointed. They should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me.”
Is it true?
Yes.
People should remain connected with each other! They should be kind. They should be loving and trusting. People should be dedicated to freedom, and to seeing life as it goes the way it does–sometimes change is called for. People should be at least civil, and behave like adults.
Um. Oh yes, where was I. Answering the question “is it true?”
Yes, it’s TRUE that she shouldn’t blame me or hate me or be angry with me.
Can you absolutely know it’s true, they should’t be disappointed? They shouldn’t be calling you names, even if they are? They shouldn’t be so angry or upset?
Deep breath.
Yikes.
The name calling is the worst, I notice. They really shouldn’t attack me. It’s not my fault.
Absolutely true?
No.
They are attacking something. They ARE angry. That’s the reality. I can’t absolutely know it’s true they shouldn’t behave, speak, write exactly as they are. If I’m the target, so be it.
How do I react when I think someone is mean, furious, disappointed, hateful?
I feel sick. I shouldn’t do what I’m doing. I question myself. I question my motives or actions. It doesn’t matter if I’m lying in a hospital or someone else is, I begin to question my own integrity: “Are you sure you’re sick enough to stay in bed? Come on….your feelings are not important. Other people are more important, like this enraged person who’s mad at you. You are causing someone to suffer. Your decisions are bad. Your work is ridiculous. You shouldn’t even bother. Too risky. You can disappoint people. You need to fix this. It’s your fault.”
I mull over the conversations. When did it go wrong? Could I have known sooner, and intervened? Where did I make a mistake?
Incredibly stressful. And no peace in sight. No compassion or love inside of me, for anything about this situation. Just dread. Sadness.
So…..who would you be without the story that someone shouldn’t be mean, furious, bitter, disappointed or call you names? Who would you be without the story someone hates you, and they shouldn’t?
Are you saying.
It’s OK if someone hates me?
What??!!
Woah.
But.
This question is only “who would you be without the thoughtsomeone does?” They have their response, it looks like they are unhappy–no denying it, maybe they even yelled at you–and you do not have the thought they shouldn’t feel what they’re feeling. Including anger or upset or hatred with you.
Wow. Without the thought, there they are upset with me, and no belief they shouldn’t be?
Can you find it?
It took me a minute.
I had to wade through all those screaming thoughts about never wanting to upset or disappoint anyone in this world, and trying to be a loving person who is not threatened. I had to feel the deep desire to be a good, nice, kind person, a loving person, a GREAT person even, who doesn’t hurt other people….and the awareness that my movements have caused pain.
But dropping, dropping, dropping all of those ideas and sitting in the presence of someone who is furious, and reading angry degrading words directed towards me….
….who would I be without the belief this shouldn’t be going this way?
….I remember feeling that way myself, when I felt abandoned, betrayed, lost, and terrified.
I wanted to lash out.
I went silent. I felt crushed.
Turning the belief around “they hate me, are completely disappointed with me”…..
….I hate myself, am disappointed with myself. Yes, when I start piling on all the ways I should never, ever disturb anyone, like it’s possible not to, like it’s my job to keep everyone happy (whew, overkill on the responsibility department).
I hate myself when I push away my own desires and preferences, or ignore my own integrity just to please someone else. I hate myself when I say “yes” to make someone happy, but I feel the “no”. I hate myself when I don’t tell the truth, no matter how disappointed someone might be.
What’s another turnaround?
That angry person doesn’t hate me. They aren’t disappointed. Maybe they even love me.
Well….yes. They really wanted my companionship. They wanted me to share the dream they held of being a couple, or being in business together, or supporting them. They didn’t expect me to say “no”.
Maybe they had a lot riding on this, and I didn’t even realize it. They were hopeful, they were counting on assistance, they were in need.
Back to the little group of five I mentioned: the enraged person should have been that angry, she should hate me/us, she shouldhave behaved and said it just like the way she did with sarcasm, condemnation, bitterness.
Hmmm. It seems like it could have been said differently, with more grace and kindness. It seems like love and peace should look like people speaking thoughtful mature words.
But this is finding examples of how it was perfect, the way it went.
OK. I’m willing to do this work, because I want to be free. For one thing, I see she was honest. She spewed. She got super sarcastic. All communication stopped, so it was no longer confusing, it was over.
Maybe she wasn’t supposed to be part of the group for awhile….maybe this gave her a kind of permission to be as she truly is, and the rest of us some other kind of freedom? I notice some benefits.
Ahhh, the turnaround “I hate her”. I shouldn’t be so disappointed. I should be understanding. They shouldn’t take this so personally. They shouldn’t be so nasty, condemning, vicious, angry. They shouldn’t hate me
Byron Katie has a powerful saying, like many of her repeated awareness concepts.
“You’ve been spared”.
This doesn’t mean time to rip the other person to shreds. It just means noticing with great clarity that they hate you, and they’re distancing themselves. It’s not so bad to have someone who’s so angry want nothing to do with you.
Plus, she’s right.
I AM judgmental, have high expectations, protective, a flake, unreliable, confused, unaware, stupid, mistake-maker, doing what works for me without concern for others, not listening well, inconsistent, ditching the needs of others.
As a human being, I am here living a life.
I am at times a burden. I require food, water and other necessities, it appears. My presence and choices affect the lives of others. I am not always able to help everyone. I will leave people, disappoint people, not do a good job, screw up.
Could there be a benefit? Could it be a good thing? Is there a brilliant reason why Person #5 cut off and ditched the entire group and said ‘you are not people I want to connect with!’ and ‘I hate you!’ (which I notice now, was never said….I just assumed and felt it).
Well, I get to find out now. Without any story.
Exciting.
Who am I without this belief that no one ever should be upset with me (or hate me)?
Happy.
“Challenges force you to become more present. Through being challenged beyond its comfort zone, the body gets stronger. Through other people, we get stronger. I learned to regard these humans as blessings….These relationships are spiritual practices….If nothing goes wrong, there is no movie. The character doesn’t develop. It’s a bad movie. In a good movie, as the character faces his or her problems, he or she grows, changes, develops abilities he or she didn’t have before. In very good movies, there’s some kind of spiritual realization. But only…..because something went wrong!” ~ Eckhart Tolle
People who experience addictive behavior, eating of course, but also all the other ways we humans get caught in a cycle of anxious movement….
….are all very familiar with the internal voice of self-criticism and blame.
You did it again? What’s wrong with you? This is never going to stop, can’t you figure it out?
You will pay!
It’s mean, vicious, nasty and you wouldn’t wish that voice on your worst enemy. Or, maybe ONLY your worst enemy, but certainly no one else.
What if that tendency to attack yourself for your urges, cravings or behavior is actually a ploy to keep you endlessly unconscious? Or still at war, and still trapped in the cycle of trying to “pay” for your behavior and find even ground?
Maybe there’s another way (there is).
Maybe pushing the pause button on figuring yourself out or fixing yourself or hating yourself….and being one big self-improvement project….is the easiest way.
I strong suggest finding new responses to your compulsions.
Maybe some compassion, softness and love.
What’s one of the best ways to do this? Connect with others, share your experience and your thoughts.
it’s not easy to be angry….but a powerful practice to learn, to get brilliant at, to feel without regret
I love The Work and all forms of self-inquiry. I love mindfully and compassionately questioning beliefs and assumptions.
But once upon a time early on, I was painting myself into a bit of a corner when doing The Work, without realizing it right off the bat.
It’s something I’ve observed happening, sometimes, with self-inquiry that’s NOT necessarily a true taste of freedom.
OK, OK….the reason I mention this is because I did it for several years! Fine!
(Which of course, when you question it, is the amount of time it was supposed to take to knock it off….no slower, no faster).
The thing I was doing that didn’t bring much freedom?
It’s called….trying to be peaceful, blissful and happy at all times, with everyone, and using The Work with the motive to NOT feel emotional pain, to NOT discover you need to make amends, to NOT realize you were wrong, to NOT lose your identity or “your” belief system
We don’t need to go THAT far.
Doing The Work was for me primarily using The Work when extremely shaken up, or in obvious conflict with what was going on. Not about anything mildly disturbing. Those things, I would just say “no biggie” about and brush them off. And wish I could do the brushing off thing with ALL disturbances.
Sometimes, I’d also do The Work with troubling events and situations just enough to take the edge off and get back to even-keeled. As they say for those sailing across great expansive waters.
For me, it was as if grief, heart-break, big changing feelings, anger, passion or suffering were BAD and were signs that something went WRONG.
Oh…there’s a rain storm? I want sunny shores! And let’s not even talk about hurricanes.
A huge overwhelming urge to Get Happy. ASAP. And Never Suffer. Never feel bad.
But If you try to make sure you never do Feeling Bad….
….uh oh.
Like I did, you might be creating an army of forces inside yourself trying to catch stressful thoughts the second they happen, to almost numb out, to constantly be striving to override all uncomfortable and troubling feelings quickly, quickly through inquiry.
OMG! I’m not happy for a second! Quick!
Yikes.
Of course, I fell flat on my face. I failed in maintaining happiness the way I was defining happiness. I thought it looked like calm, clear, kind and easy-going at all times.
Not that other messy stuff.
The discovery of this impulse to Be Happy came after I realized I was deeply against Being Angry.
I had no idea I was so against it. Poor Anger.
It was wrong, unacceptable. Terrible things could happen with this thing called “anger”. Hatred, killing, war, theft, destruction, banishment, jealousy, woundings. People have done horrible things for centuries because they felt anger. We should definitely all be working on never getting angry, I thought.
Hadn’t I learned I was supposed to control my temper?
Plus all the nice people in the storybooks and movies and fairytales I read or saw were…..well…..nice.
They never got angry.
Right?
That decision came alive somewhere in middle school years. Be the nice person. Don’t get angry. And by the way, don’t like other people who are angry either. They’re very frightening (and doing it wrong).
Now, there’s nothing wrong with wanting to step back from wild angry energy, and especially if someone’s expressing it by throwing plates.
But I cut the whole thing off, like chopping off my arm. And if I FELT anger (whatever I was calling anger, which is an interesting part of this inquiry) then I thought I made a mistake, wasn’t kind, and missed something
OMG! I think I felt angry for a second! Fix yourself NOW!
So let’s take a look, with inquiry.
First of all….what is this thing called “anger” we’re talking about anyway?
It’s a feeling. In the dictionary it’s described as a strong feeling of annoyance, displeasure, hostility.
What I would do in the past (it’s still partially an automatic reaction to the experience of the energy of anger) is freeze.
Or…if I felt safe enough with the person or situation, or like I’m willing to risk being a jerk even if it’s honest…I’d blow my top or say it, with conviction. Literally, steam going off. At least it felt like this on the inside, and it probably looked sort of like this from the outside too (although admittedly rare).
As I navigated through my mind and The Work and discoveries about anger, I asked the great questions.
Is it true?
Is it absolutely true that anger is dangerous, violent, terrible, wrong? Is it true it’s bad to feel it?
Who would I be without this story….and especially since anger is here, present, in the room, already in my body?
Who would I be without the horror story of anger?
Suddenly, I started finding turnarounds of people who were angry, and who stood up and spoke it, named it, expressed it without hatred, and made huge impact on their communities, on their cities, on the world.
Could it be that anger is powerful, important, part of reality…..for a good reason?
Crikey!
But wow. What a relief. To know I feel this energy called “anger” sometimes and it calls me to inquire, and also to ACT.
Turning it around: this anger is right, acceptable. Wonderful things could happen with this thing called “anger”. Love, creativity, peace, giving, silence, acceptance, rebirth. People have done amazing things for centuries because they felt anger. We should NOT all be working on swallowing our anger, but instead on actually expressing it well, powerfully, without shame, clearly, with passion and love.
A very long time ago, as the story goes, my father and mother were growing increasingly separated as their lives moved into 20 years together. They did almost nothing together anymore. My dad was quiet at home (living out the old belief model “thou shalt not ever show anger” as best he could). My mother was working a new job.
Apparently in that tumultuous time, something happened inside my dad. He no longer fought and pushed down and resented silently what was happening.
My mom speaks of it still to this day, when asked.
My dad, waiting until my mom returned, spoke to her with great conviction and energy, and anger. “I am NOT going to let this happen! We’re talking about this….NOW!”
It was a terrible, amazing, wild and wonderful many-hours conversation, the two of them locked inside their room upstairs telling the truth to each other. With anger and passion coming up and out of them into the air between them, instead of either one trying to be the perfect communicator of something “intense”.
The marriage turned around completely.
A few years later, they had a ceremony renewing their vows. My dad didn’t live much longer, as he got cancer and died a few years after that. And I’m not saying I know it was perfect and clear from that point forward. This is between them anyway. But I do know expression was called for, if they wanted true honesty. And it looked like anger.
What if you don’t HAVE TO GET THE ANGER OUT (or some other kind of instruction and rule about anger and how bad it is)?
What I notice about anger is….it comes and goes and pops and flows.
It has a brilliant message. Called…”time to inquire!”
It is not to be dismissed quickly, or abruptly, or forced out the door or down inside.
(You might end up eating too much, like I did, if you do that….which is very unpleasant).
What if you lived the turnaround of getting very genius at feeling angry, noticing how you aren’t ALL anger, and maybe anger can be felt inside love?
What if you allow anger to show you where you’ve been afraid, or compliant, or giving up?
After I realized what I had been doing with anger, and every situation I did The Work on that “made” me angry (squelch the fire of anger immediately). Instead, I let it come alive, but in a contained area like the way we build a fire in the fireplace. Letting it be as it was, allowing it to be a wonderful red hot messenger. Letting it bring the fire of truth.
After I discovered this about anger, I broke up with someone I was dating for the first time ever in my life who I had done a whole pile of worksheets on. I felt sincere appreciation for being in relationship with this man for the short time I had known him, and the intense experiences I had with him, and all the times I had said “yes” when I meant “no”.
And I honored this energy, instead of trying to get rid of it with The Work. I spoke loudly, with lazer sharp clarity on the phone. I remember him saying “but now we’re friends” and that he wished we would continue to see each other, talk, spend time, share. I knew the most loving thing I could possibly do for both of us, was to say what then came out of my mouth: “No. We are not friends. Not that way.” And I hung up.
“Anybody can become angry – that is easy. But to be angry with the right person and to the right degree and at the right time and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody’s power and is not easy.” ~ Aristotle
If you are feeling angry, I say…first, do The Work. Absolutely. So much clarity can be discovered.
Then, the loving living turnaround may be saying or doing something very powerful to the right person in just the right degree at the right time for the right purpose in the right way. It will feel right. You won’t feel ashamed later. Everyone will be honored. You’ll have integrity for both yourself and the other.
There are many common themes amongst humans that seem to cause great suffering.
But “love” is a doozy.
Romantic love, or family love.
This is the “love” experienced between people who share space and time together, maybe for many years, or who are born right into it, who share assets and plans.
One of the most disturbing arenas of love is when it’s unrequited.
As in, one person’s really All In, but the other is basically All Out.
Or Mostly Out.
Many love songs are written about this experience, but it does happen in families, too.
A dad wants to see his kid after years of neglect, but the son refuses to forgive and refuses to let bygones be bygones.
One person reaches for the other. One person wants to run for their life.
I like to call it “chasing”.
It’s really not that great for either party, you know? Maybe in a game of tag it’s super fun, but just about any other place between two people relating to one another, it’s disappointing, desperate, or dramatic.
At best not quite what you hope. At worst, devastating.
Awhile ago, I did The Work with a woman who had lived with a man for several years in a big bustling urban city apartment. They had known each other since age ten. At some point in their twenties, they split up and lived separately and went off on adventures, but now they were spending time together again in their forties. They had never lost touch.
The guy was over the moon with the woman.
Like, “she’s my whole world, she’s the only one I’ve ever really loved. Everyone else has paled in comparison. I love her so, so much. My life is nothing without her.”
As the woman shared these words with me, I kind of flinched.
Ewww.
I joined her for a moment as she read her worksheet to me about the thoughts she had identified about him.
My thoughts were following along with her, saying to myself “Yeah, that IS too needy, he IS wanting her too much, he IS acting too clingy. Gross. What’s she doing with a guy who acts like that?”
Then I caught my own mind agreeing with her, and I remembered right away, I have no idea what’s going on here. What I’m here to do is facilitate this woman through her upset thoughts about this moon-eyed over-the-top man in her life who has supposedly loved her his entire life.
The woman doing The Work wanted to inquire. She wanted to know the truth, and so did I.
“He’s too enamored.”
Is it true?
She said yes. I was thinking “yes”, too, based on the story I heard. Can’t he give it a rest and get on with his life?
Can you absolutely know it’s true, though, that he’s too enamored?
No. Not at all.
In fact, what’s the trouble with someone being enamored? What’s the problem? (I didn’t ask the woman this question out loud. I wondered about it within).
I remembered someone from my own past. Someone I had the very same kinds of thoughts about.
Wow, it sure seemed true. It seemed like it was too much. I called him obsessive, delusional.
How do you react when you believe he’s too enamored? Too in love? Too dreamy-eyed? Too…too?
The woman replied “I want to get in my car and drive across country, just to put as much space between us as possible.”
Run for your life! Suffocation! Get me outta here!
It’s really powerful to consider why, though, instead of so quickly bolting for the door. What’s the threat? What’s so scary about someone worshiping the ground you walk on, if they do?
Hmmmm.
Well, it feels like they don’t enjoy their own company enough. Something’s off. They aren’t easy-going and relaxed. Something inside is demanding, and a little freaky. They’re expecting something in return. They want….what? Security, pleasure, to feel loved. It seems like they can’t get it for themselves, so they’re fixated on someone else. It’s obsessive. Weird. The worst case scenario would be stalking.
In the fall retreat last month, I had everyone think of three people, public figures who really bugged them or frightened them, or people in their person lives they had found extremely difficult to be around.
Long ago when I did this same exercise, one of the people on my list was the guy who assassinated the president for Jodie Foster. I couldn’t even remember his full name, but he totally grossed me out. This is the extreme version of the very same energy of neediness, of a demand for attention or love.
So who would you be without this story, that he is TOO enamored, in love, full of craving, demanding, needy, available?
What….you mean John Hinckley Junior isn’t “too”?
Well, this isn’t about denying the man is acting or saying something different than he is. It’s not pretending you don’t see some kind of desperate energy happening.
It’s feeling who YOU are, without the thought running through your mind every minute.
What I notice is….I still move away from that person.
I also see he’s scared, likely doing the best he can, unaware, unable to sit with himself silently for some reason. He’s willing to care about someone in his imagination, not the “real” person, who he has little genuine contact with.
I remember having crushes, and also feeling the addictive pull of food and eating, so long ago.
I know how horrible it feels to “love” (reach) so hard, to believe being you is not enough or boring or unfinished or incomplete.
Oh man. Here comes the Turnaround. I myself have been too enamored, reaching, clingy, desperate.
When I was young (OK, later in life as well) I treated my concept of “God” this same CHASING way. Why aren’t you paying attention to me, God? Stay with me! Don’t leave! Pleeeeeeeasssse! I want you! I love you soooooo much! Why don’t you love me as much as I love you, or with the same specialness? Where are you? You should help me, why aren’t you present?
I know, it’s kind of embarrassing.
But there really was a part of me completely attached to my thoughts like this, and they REALLY hurt because it means my view of myself is Not Good Enough and God/Spirit/Source was out there being perfect somewhere without me. Ow.
Turning the thought around again: That person is NOT too enamored. I am too detached and being too much of a runner….I am too enamored with my own objects of desire. Or too enamored with detachment. Too enamored with Not being myself.
I notice I’m OK, even if that person wishes I would give them more attention.
The woman I was working with noticed she had her own completely free independent life, no matter what her man friend was thinking.
She saw how she could be in her own business, and not concerned with his, not dictating how he should feel and act.
What a relief to remain in your own business, and not in someone else’s.
If you think someone else is infatuated….where have you been infatuated, and how can YOU be healthy, breath deep, enjoy yourself, and be completely clear and honest with both yourself and that other person?
Who knows.
As soon as you’re really clear, living your turnaround of loving your own ways and not judging someone else’s desires as “wrong”….
….they might become uninterested in you.
Good.
As I did many years ago, when I realized this same type of situation of someone chasing after me and realizing how painful it was for everyone involved, I asked for no contact and space and silence. It felt like the most loving thing to do, even though my mind was screaming that it’s rude to cut people off or say goodbye.
But how amazing to inquire. What if you don’t know what you’re supposed to do?
Be honest. That’s it.
“I care about you too much to buy into your projections, to fuel your flight from yourself, to fan the flames of unrequited love….I love you too much to pretend. Make me into a god, and I will only disappoint you. The most loving thing anyone could ever hear.” ~ Jeff Foster
If you have past relationships that didn’t end well, or feel terrible, come to Breitenbush retreat if you want to “work” on it. December 8-11.
(Sorry the sound is so low….dork here, not remembering to turn up the volume on the mic, so please turn up yours. Here is an imperfect video. Imperfection happens. I also have really dirty hair, no makeup whatsoever, and no script. The honesty of Eating Peace starts here. Can I be at peace with this disturbance?)
I’ve worked with several people lately, it seems, who’ve discovered the belief from way back:
“He didn’t like me” or “She didn’t love me” so I need to make sure I never get rejected again.
When someone else judges, it does hurt sometimes. You can’t deny it.
So what if, even in the middle of inner disturbance, or inner fear, pain, difficulty….
….you still could feel peace?
I know it’s kind of weird.
Feel peace with disturbance? Can those two go together?
Yes.
Is there some greater, bigger part of you able to be OK with being disturbed.
Because if you can be disturbed (even very disturbed) and notice you are OK, you are still alive, you are here, you are still standing….
….what an incredible thing to notice!!
We think it’s SO TERRIBLE to feel pain. Anything but that.
Anything but feel such grief, sorrow, rejection, anger, upset, devastation.
Who would you be without the belief you can’t get through it (especially without eating)?
You know when you have those days where you thought you had time to do your list, but no?
Sometimes….argggghhhh.
So frustrating.
Yesterday, I had quite the list of tasks and appointments and writing time planned. These involved being out at the library, or driving in my car to visit the post office and office supply store. Only two clients scheduled on purpose, and the last week of every month has no Year of Inquiry calls….
….time to sit down and map out the full Eating Peace Process which will start in January, the upcoming Relationships retreat at Breitenbush in early December….
….and really make progress in writing and outlining some of the new updated curriculum.
But then, a doctor’s appointment turned into an hour of waiting before it even began.
And suddenly I was going to be late for a client whose number I didn’t write down in my calendar (never good).
Racing home, everything was bumped an hour late.
My mom left a message saying “call me today, I need to book flights for spring ASAP!”
My email Inbox was a mile long.
The home phone cable line stopped working. And the internet disconnected twice.
Then knock-knock on the door and new internet equipment has arrived after 3 months (or a year) of trying to figure out what would help.
Attention turned to putting the new modem and router together (which went surprisingly well) but I needed a special part for my computer, and to return an old part to the internet store so I stopped “renting” it month after month.
Five hours later….
No writing done on programs, probably the most important thing I could have been doing (in my opinion). No Grace Note written (which is one way I “do” The Work).
And the thought “this is too much effort. I quit.”
When I say this kind of thing, I mean the Whole Thing is too much effort. Like, even having this business I seem to do in the first place.
I quit.
What an interesting thought.
It’s like the mind comes up with this idea and it feels pretty good for a minute, right?
This relationship is over! Take this job and shove it! I’m outta here! Sell it all! I’ll never speak to him again! Give all the books away!
I QUIT!
Pictures of no longer paying for internet service, ever, and moving off the grid. (LOL).
What’s really kind of funny is how it’s not possible to actually “quit” most of the things you think you can quit.
But let’s look. Because it sure it enticing and sort of has a wild passionate fire-energy inducing feel to it.
Quitting what I do for a living is a good idea.
Is it true?
Maybe you can find something you think of quitting from time to time. Your primary relationship. Moving to a new house. Moving to a different country. Quitting your job.
It’s what you want to do, really….is it true?
No. It’s almost funny, for me, it’s so untrue. You may have noticed, though, depending on your situation, the feeling of wanting to “quit” something many times.
How do you react when you think this thought in earnest? What happens when you imagine you want to quit, you say in your head “I am so leaving this” or you feel the urge to walk away?
Sometimes, people with this thought begin to imagine what it will look like AFTER they quit, and get scared.
Yesterday when I was doing the zip-zip around of unexpected movement of the day, I had an old CD in my car audio player. It was Byron Katie doing The Work with a young woman who felt she couldn’t read certain books in her house because her husband would throw them out.
“He’s controlling me” said the woman.
I was fascinated with how and why someone would stay in a relationship situation like that….and I listened closely. I remembered hearing this work long ago, but I was so intrigued at the thoughts in my own head basically saying “Why doesn’t she quit?!!!”
Hmmmm. Maybe the mind loves coming up with this quitting solution, but it’s not necessarily the best one, or the easiest, or the most efficient.
Who would I be without the belief that quitting is the solution? That quitting is the way to not have to deal with something or someone anymore? That moving, leaving, shutting down is the best or primary answer to a difficult relationship or schedule?
Who would I be without the story of “I QUIT!”
Wow.
Even if there’s a furious little 2 year old having a fit in the background (the one who loves quitting)….
….I would notice it’s not possible to quit.
This way of thinking, the furious mind that loves to try to control situations, and make big grandiose statements, and jump to conclusions, and protect from further uncomfortable feelings….
….doesn’t quit.
Ha ha.
But it doesn’t mean I have to “do” what that Quitter Voice says.
I can look more closely at what I object to in the first place, that inspired the quitter to come forward.
Usually….fear, lack of freedom, sadness.
Turning the thoughts around: “I” don’t quit.
I notice the thoughts sometimes can yell about quitting, but the body does what it does and life moves as it does.
The relationship continues to be very important, even in my own head, whether the person is in the room or not. The activity continues to draw me, whether I know why I’m doing it or not. The movement of love continues to happen, whether I’m resisting it or not. Rest occurs whether I think I should be working harder, or not.
“It is possible to choose awareness instead of resistance. Switching attention from the resistance of ego-identity to the intelligence that animates us is a skill we can learn. And it takes practice.” ~ Cheri Huber
Resistance arises as a thought, and I follow it or believe it, or I don’t. I notice another turnaround is truer: thinking quits.
It’s here, then it isn’t. Poof! It’s gone.
Another turnaround: “it” quit me. The relationship, the job, the business, the location, the activity.
When it does. Not really me in control and dictator of this situation, I notice.
Again….laughter.
“Do you choose to actively or passively change your life? Good; you made the right choice. Why? With or without you, you seem to change, and with or without you, something always seems to happen. It isn’t necessary that you do it.” ~ Byron Katie
Notice, notice, notice. Awareness.
The power of noticing, becoming aware, seeing it from a greater perspective….far bigger than the little mind will ever know.
If you’re a member of the Institute for The Work (for people who have attended The School for The Work who go on to regular practice and training) I’m teaching a fabulous five week course called “Basics” starting Monday, Nov. 14th at 4:00 pm. (Two spots left by the way….come join us if you’re in ITW!)
Love.
You know when you have those days where you thought you had time to do your list, but no?