Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
Sometimes the way, is in. Do nothing. Let your troubling thoughts be here. What is here, right now, if I stopped trying to change?
People have written to me lately, and individual clients I work with in person or on skype or facetime or phone, and people in Year of Inquiry, and messages on facebook….
….and they’ve said something I have also felt in my life.
For me, I’ve been working hard, but not efficiently. I love working, I love my life’s projects, but I found my mind began to be filled by “have to”. I have to do this, that, this, that. No stopping.
Burn out.
A fatigue, feeling discouraged. Maybe a sense of failure. Or a feeling of having lost.
Even devastated.
I’m not making it. Some people overeat with overwhelm. Or overspend. Over-plan. Then, unfortunately, even more failure.
It brings enormous suffering into the mind.
I remember not being able to get out of bed, with a physical sense of deep, deep low energy. I remember drinking strong coffee, trying to put something into the body to change the foggy and dreadful feeling of slow movement. I wanted to find an “up” feeling.
Being “up” is better. Right?
But what if you didn’t believe where you are right now, no matter how you feel and what you feel, is wrong….and must be changed?
What if there is nothing that could make you happy outside yourself, including an elevated mood, or a million bucks, or health, or love coming to you from another person?
Strange, I know.
Something here, in the empty, dark, tired space….
….thinks happiness must be somewhere else. Even if you’re too tired to try to find it anymore.
It isn’t here. Nope.
What if we remembered inquiry, in the middle of depression, or feeling like we’re making a mistake, or falling backwards, or failing in some way?
But if even that seems to hard, here’s what to do.
First, take a very deep breath and stop. Even if you’re lying in bed, just stop trying to figure it out.
Right now.
Then, you can wonder….what are my thoughts doing right now?
Oh, it’s churning out stories. Concepts.
Despairing ones. Sad ones. Angry ones.
Thoughts like “I am always like this” or “I’ve failed” or “I need x to be happy”.
But something else is here besides these thoughts, besides “thinking” running amok.
The mind might feel resistance, fighting, feeling oppositional to What Is.
Who would you be, though, without believing these thoughts?
Who would you be without the belief you’re doing it wrong? Without the thought you’ve lost? Without the thought you’re missing it? Without the thought you can’t find happiness?
Can you make a place in the room, in your surroundings, inside of you, for your thoughts….and also notice what else is here?
Can you let this be here, all of your thoughts and images and painful stories, and not fight against them and wish you were different and pray for your mind to stop talking?
Maybe let it run today, in this moment, like a river running through.
Then once you sit still awhile, wondering who you are without your troubled stories, you’ll notice who you are without a past, and without a future.
Do you remember playing telephone when you were a kid? It’s where everyone sits in a circle, and one person begins with a simple sentence, a one-liner, and whispers it in the ear of the next person.
No one gets to say “WHAT???” and have it repeated. You need to listen carefully the first time. Then you whisper the very same thing into the next person’s ear. The very last person in the circle says out loud what they heard.
Peels of laughter! Sometimes it’s total nonsense and hilariously different from the original sentence.
Well, the other day when doing The Work with someone, I thought fearful stories were like this game.
Only they’re passed along from one generation, to the next generation, to the next.
Here’s what you should fear. Be afraid of THIS (insert whispered story).
How do I know you should be afraid? My mom told me. My dad told me. My grandpa told her. They gave that look of fear. They painted a terrible picture.
A frightening thing happens….and then WARNING, WARNING.
Teach everyone how scary that is and how you need to be very, very careful from now on.
There are events and experiences that cause fear in many human beings. Abrupt behavior, loud sounds, events where things break into pieces or are physically altered, or emotionally hurt. Change. Loss. Surprise. Anger. Blow-Ups. Crashes. Wars.
But trying to stay in a holding pattern of Calm-And-Collected and BE CAREFUL has its drawbacks.
Because we also like relaxing. We LOVE relaxing. It’s a place I want to return to, a homeostatis, and maybe the reason I first ever began to want to do The Work and find out what moves me away from peace.
And what about when we get a wee bit bored and actually want some excitement, or what if we want to improve our performance or results in some area (like health, eating–my favorite–love, money, romance, support), or create something new, or grow, transform or participate in change, on purpose?
We like developing and growing, and we like remaining calm.
But these two things don’t always go together!
Sometimes it’s like we’ve got the foot on the brakes and the foot on the accelerator at the very same time.
I want something different, but I don’t want it to be….scary! And remember! We need to be careful!!
How do you react when you believe, as you’ve always heard from people around you, that bad unexpected frightening things can happen in this world?
What happens when you want to do something new?
I’m careful.
Very, very careful.
I walk on eggshells.
Eggshells are so easily broken….I barely step out, I don’t move, I don’t take the risk of being rejected, or setting the person off, or having that worrisome thing occur.
But who would you be without the story that you need to be careful? At all.
Gasp!
If I’m not a LITTLE bit careful, I’ll be a fool. Ridiculous. I’ll do something completely stupid. I’ll lose everything. I’ll make a terrible decision. I’ll go against what my parents told me. And their parents before them.
Are you sure? Do you have to be afraid, and careful, in order to make sure you don’t fail, lose, or get hurt? Are you sure you need to never get hurt, fail, or lose?
Are you sure you need to stay entirely peaceful every second of every hour?
Wow. I never thought of that before.
A year ago, I went to a lecture and read a book by an author and speaker I found super interesting. Unexpectedly. I wasn’t looking for anything new to attend, I had been attending a lot less for a few years, in fact. But when a program appeared with an Enroll Here button, I clicked it and just knew to sign up.
I was simply drawn to it (and it’s been a wonderful adventure and brilliant people). But not easy. A day of travel just to get to the location. And sometimes daunting and mind-opening in a way that’s not exactly….happy.
What if you turned your thought around, and the very thing you ought to be careful about, and worried for, and avoid, or resist, or feel nervous over….
….has some powerful medicine to teach you?
This can even be true about very dreadful things, like getting a disease.
No, this isn’t saying sickness, violence, sudden change are easy and you need to be happy they’re happening. That would be ridiculous and kind of mean to yourself.
But what if you did become willing to have it occur, if it did? What if you noticed what you were OK with about it happening, or if it had anything helpful to offer in the way of a teaching, or it helped you eliminate what wasn’t working in your life?
Anything. An example, no matter how small, of how that thing you feel so worried about happening that it causes you to be careful in your life, even when things are fine….An example of if it happened, you’d be OK with it.
Even look forward to it.
I know it’s weird.
But it’s an exciting approach to duality and the negative, dark, scary things of life’s unfolding ways.
How could this part of Reality work for me, rather than against me? Have I ever heard of anything coming out of a situation I’ve always found scary like this, where the outcome was amazing change, or some kind of transformation, or some small advantage?
Who would I be without my story of needing to be careful?
Maybe not participating in the game called “BE AFRAID: PASS IT ON!”
Instead, you might be afraid, and do it anyway, or inquire, or pause and breathe deeply and keep going.
Who knows what being you will look like, without living a life of being afraid of being afraid.
“A teacher of fear can’t bring peace on Earth. We have been trying to do it that way for thousands of years. The person who turns inner violence around, the person who finds peace inside and lives it, is the one who teaches what true peace is. We are waiting for just one teacher. You’re the one.” ~ Byron Katie
This doesn’t mean you never, ever experience one non-peaceful or violent thought.
It means when you have a violent or less than peaceful thought, you move to look at it, you don’t automatically believe it (and pass it on), you turn it around, you’re committed to understanding it, you open your hands up with wonder.
A fantastic group of people will be attending the Eating Peace Retreat January 19-22, right here at a lovely private lodge near my little cottage in Seattle. I’d love you to join us. People are traveling from every corner of the US so far, literally New York, West Virginia, California and of course up here in the Pacific Northwest. For travelers, there are still queen sized mattresses we can set up for you in the loft (no private rooms left, although someone may be willing/interested in sharing).
The most important part of the retreat….if I could say there is a MOST important….
….is being with yourself compassionately.
Like the way you are with other people.
You’ll slow down, we’ll eat together, write together, question thoughts together, have an experience of art and movement together. We’re in session daily from 9:30 am until 9:00 pm. No matter how far down the road to overweight, underweight, crazy eating or simple unhappiness about food…..you will be welcomed with open arms.
Enroll here. Space for 4 more. As mentioned in the Eating Peace Masterclass, included in this retreat registration is a one-on-one session to use any time in 2017 whether in person or online.
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Have you ever noticed how your thoughts seem to direct your behavior (including eating, obviously).
And yet, you don’t have to DO what your thoughts say.
You might get wound up full of cravings and compulsions and reaching and the agony of urges to stuff yourself with food.
It seems like that Voice that says GO GO GO is nasty, unconcerned about your peace or your freedom, busy, rude, critical of you. That Voice suggests that you….eat. It almost demands you eat, if you have a craving for food. As if there’s no other option.
But there is another option.
You actually take this other option all the time.
It’s called Not Listening To Or Doing What Your Mind Says.
It’s not the King of everything (it might think so, but it really isn’t).
Based on the Tao Te Ching, here’s a way to work with the mind that’s yelling at you to eat: tap into what is NOT your thoughts.
Who or What would it be like to not think your story of missing something was real?
Lately, I’ve noticed a recent trend of inquiry around comparison, jealousy, envy, worry about not achieving or losing out or missing the boat.
Individual clients, small groups I run, Year of Inquiry members.
Last First Friday Inquiry Jam (open to anyone and everyone–if it works for your time zone, we love having you)….
….we had two interesting and very stressful thoughts inquirers shared that were also close to this same kind of comparison suffering. They both had to do with situations with primary love partners where more attention was desired from the Significant Other.
Without the attention or love you prefer, what happens?
Disappointment, even fear.
I really want the love. I want the attention. I want the romance, curiosity, pleasure directed towards me.
The mind starts wondering WHY the person doesn’t appear interested. Maybe he doesn’t want to come be with me, or do this activity with me, because he prefer being with someone else?Maybe he doesn’t like me? Maybe he’s not interested, or bored, or finds me tiresome? Maybe he’s discovered I’m not who he thought I was?
The very same thoughts appear within, the same kinds of feelings, as in the Comparison Thinking I’ve described before.
If only I was better, more fun, more lively, a beacon of attraction. If only I was more confident, sexy, funny, intelligent, charismatic. If only I was a success.
There’s a great question to ask, to dig into discovery of where this track of thinking is born. Because really, when you’re full of self-criticism or self-defeating thoughts about yourself….this is only a reaction to another, more fundamental stressful belief.
The question to ask is this: What would I have, if I got the attention I’m seeking?
Another way to put it is….What would it give me? What would I know or think was true, if I got this attention, this connection, this sharing time, this love, this approval? What would it prevent or avoid or keep away, if I received it?
If I got the love (you know what it would look like if you got it) you’d feel…..what?
This exercise can be done with money, or attention of any kind, or support, or recognition.
When I get it, I’ll be happy (safe, secure, proud, rewarded, admired…you pick your equivalent of “happy”).
But is this true?
If my boss didn’t promote her, instead of me. If my mate looked at me with appreciation. If the publisher said we’re moving forward immediately with your book. If my body were thin, pure muscle or youthful. If I suddenly reached nirvana.
I’d be happy.
Are you sure?
Jeez. What a strange question. It seems like I’ve been seeing these stepping stones to happiness all my life.
But can I know it’s true if I had THAT….I’d be happy? Relaxed? Content? Secure?
I have no idea.
It’s very odd to realize, I don’t know if I had that, or got it, I’d no longer experience dread, or emptiness, or worry, or fear. In fact, I’m pretty sure I’d encounter hardship and difficult times and experience all these feelings, just being alive, throughout my existence.
I notice WITH the thought/belief that something will bring me happiness (partner, money, recognition, fame, awakening) I’m hunting it down. I’m working on strategies to get there. I’m constantly seeking. I’m swinging between despair and hope.
Ugh.
Who would I be without this story that having “x” would bring happiness?
Now, this is a remarkable idea. A truly amazing meditation.
You mean, what if I didn’t actually need my partner to be like I want, or money to do what I prefer, or to earn some special reward or status, or to achieve a state of mind….
….to be happy right now, in this moment?
Turning it around: I do NOT need this imagined scene, or experience, or condition in order to be peaceful, relaxed, accepting, loving, safe….happy.
How could this be just as true, or truer?
Any examples, no matter how small, can work here.
Following the lovely inquirer’s from the First Free Friday call, let’s look at this turnaround with respect to wanting someone’s attention, love, or connection.
So, I do NOT need this person to say “yes” or act more attracted or be any different than they are.
Can you find examples?
“What would you be without this sad, sad story? He could never know who you really are anyway; it’s not possible. I say, skip the middleman, and be happy and free from where you are right now. Once we start doing that, we become so lovable that our children [our partners] are attracted to us. They have to be. The storyteller’s mind, the projector of the story, has changed, so what you project as a world has to change. When I am clear, my children [my partner] has to love me; they have no choice. Love is all that I’m able to project, or see.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 44
Yes, I can find examples. I’m sitting in the present moment, noticing air and breathing in, I feel the ground beneath my feet as I stand, looking at the one who is apparently my partner. I feel the joy of being alive. I’m not physically suffering in any way.
You can keep going, finding examples of what is true in your situation. How is it you are happy, except for your thinking (in spite of your thinking)?
Turn the thought around again: I need my own attention, love, respect, security….for myself, for being me. My thinking needs these things from an outside source, called a mate or partner. But only my thinking (and it’s not the Great Authority, I notice).
Yes. I see the freedom, and even laughter and joy, if I don’t believe I need love from someone else in this world. If I don’t believe I need money in order to feel secure. If I don’t believe I need a thin, or healthy or perfect body in order to feel proud. If I don’t believe I need something outside of me in order to be happy (even enlightenment).
What if I were absolutely OK the way I am right now, right now, now, now. What if there was nothing I could do
“How can your husband be the problem? You’re trying to alter reality. This is confusion. I’m a lover of reality. I can always count on it.” ~ Byron Katie in Loving What Is pg. 50
Much love,
Grace
P.S. Two 2017 retreats coming up in Seattle:
1) January 19-22 is the Eating Peace Retreat, a profound inquiry experience into our bodies, what’s happening when we feel like eating for something other than physical hunger, and what the true core beliefs are around our eating (that often have nothing to do with food)….and how to change them. Everyone gets to eat in a profoundly peaceful way through guided peaceful eating. We will do art, movement and inquiry, and interrupt the patterns of compulsion, habit or fear. Repeaters and Year of Inquiry members have a special rate.
2) May 11-14, 2017. This four full-day retreat (starts 9:30 am May 11) is already filling–the earliest it’s ever filled. We will meet for four days of inquiry for people at the Advanced Beginner level or more (email me for a conversation if you’re not sure or have questions). Year of Inquiry people attend this retreat (full YOI for no extra fee). We’ll be focusing on Living Turnarounds so you leave with your own new practice of joy and transformation.
Both these retreats meet in the special Kenmore lodge in the far northeast Seattle private location. Some rooms available for overnight stay, please write to ask. First come, first served.
Yesterday, in Grace Notes here I shared an example of writing a worksheet on a moment where you’re looking at someone else….
….and feeling like they are so awesome, and you are a peon.
They are a Rock Star in your particular dream. It doesn’t mean they are an actual rock star, your R.S. might be the Queen of England, or the woman who started a plumbing company.
But this sinking feeling that they’re completely rocking the proverbial stadium….
….and you? Not so much.
Now what’s up with that?
Comparison Devil on the rampage!
And oh so helpful to tap into your inner teenager or child self that feels like a tiny insignificant potato, and allow yourself to download the thoughts on paper that feel so stressful.
Just beginning the process with sincerity, actually listening to the part of you that feels bad, is a powerful exercise in clarity.
Let’s dig into a thought that appeared on my Judge Your Neighbor worksheet from yesterday: she’s better than me. (And if you missed the Grace Note I shared, it’s right on the Grace Notes tab at www.workwithgrace.com where these all show up to refer back to any time).
What does this mean, though, about me, in this particular Rock Star Over There situation?
Because there are a gazillion people better than me at many things, but I’m not stressed out about it: Chess players, presidents of big organizations, tennis players, golf pros, chefs, real estate brokers, CEOs, sailing champions, cancer researchers, farmers, builders, charity fundraisers.
All wildly beyond me in skill and practice. I don’t even know how to play chess.
But my level of stress about it?
Zero.
I notice, the Comparison Devil comes along when something about that other successful person interests me. A deep, personal interest. Something perhaps I’ve dreamed of myself. Something I’ve longed for.
Something I want.
I believe, over there, that person is successful and happy. And I myself am suddenly NOT.
I’d be happier if I was like THAT (pick your ideal image).
People do this kind of thinking all the time when it comes to body image. I’d be happy if I were thin….like him, like her. I can’t get there, though. So therefore….I’m not happy now.
In my situation where I was looking all of the sudden through Comparison Glasses, I saw her as gorgeously dressed in tasteful clothing I assumed to be expensive, and I saw her as unafraid to be on stage, a peak performer in business and motivational change, raking in tons of money for her creative work.
Yikes. (How embarrassing).
Let’s inquire.
I’d be happier if I was like THAT (in my situation, a self-made multi-millionaire).
Is it true?
DUH.
Of course it’s true!!
I know, I know. It was a very, very quick answer. It’s never occurred to me it wouldn’t provide immense happiness to be a self-made author/speaker type millionaire person.
But can I absolutely know this would bring happiness?
LOL.
No.
I’d still have me, myself and I here in my living room whether I had $6 in the bank or $6 billion. I’ve also met several very wealthy people who were not happy in the least. It SEEMS like it’d be safer, or more relaxing, or easier, or make for less work, and bring pride, joy and excitement….but I have no idea if the money would be creating the happiness, or my thinking.
OK FINE! I already know the thoughts, or their absence, create happiness, not the money.
So…no. I can’t know it’s true that if I had what she has, I’d be happy.
How do I react when I believe she’s so brilliant and I’m unaccomplished by comparison?
Sad.
Hopeless even.
I don’t want to keep hanging out in her presence. I want to get away. I want to give up. I say “screw it” about my own interests or goals. I treat myself like I’m unimportant, or worthy of abandoning.
So who would you be without this really difficult stressful story?
Without the belief if I had that over there, I’d be happier? Without thinking if I was more physically fit, taller, lankier, elegant, wealthy, poised, articulate, strong, good at negotiation, funny like that….
….I’d be happier?
Some people wish they were younger, more beautiful or handsome, joyful, adventurous, or they were married or partnered.
What if it couldn’t cross your mind that having that would make things better?
Phew. Wow.
That’s amazing to be without that belief, even for a second.
What if what YOU are is the most perfect, brilliant, genius, and beautiful way you could possibly be for your place in reality?
What if there were stunning advantages for being you, and no one else, that haven’t even occurred to you?
Turning the thought around: I would be happier….if I were me, in this moment, in this situation. This age, this income, this appearance, these old worn jeans, these converse tennis shoes, this hair, this quietness, this introversion, this heart.
I’m in the audience. It’s fun down here. I get to watch and sit in the darker place. I’m not in the spot light. I don’t have to deal with adrenaline. I have very few expenses. I’m content with staying put. I love that I’m never leaving my little cottage (as far as I know) and have lived now in the same place for ten years–and that’s the longest I’ve ever lived in one home. Ever.
I like my shoes. I like things being comfortable. I like moving along the timeline of life. I don’t want to live forever on planet earth, I want to move to the next adventure just like everyone else, when it’s time. I love the wisdom and peacefulness of getting a little older and wiser. I love approaching the highly respected position of “elder” in my community (still a few years away perhaps, but on my way).
Turning it around again: I’m happy enjoying this other person. I see them, through my eyes, as exciting, wonderful, normal, fun, human, inspirational, providing service, being real. Seeing her reminds me of what I love about human success and achievement. Incredible.
Can you think of advantages for you being you, in your position….and that other person being them, in their position….and how perfect it is in reality?
What is really, deeply important about being who and where you are in life?
I am willing to be this, who I am, shining my own light just the way it is….nothing more or less.
I look forward to being this, and seeing where this goes.
Wouldn’t have it any other way.
Reality rules. It’s the biggest Rock Star of them all.
“If you want to accord with the Tao, just do your job. Then let go.” ~ Tao Te Ching #24
Look what she has, that I don’t have. This is awful.
Compared to her, or him…..you really aren’t in the game. Not a contender. Not measuring up. Not even sitting at the table.
I mean, did you see this other amazing person??!
She/he is so incredible, off the charts, out of the ballpark, beyond brilliance. You don’t even have a single chance.
Um. Hello. (Waving hand in front of your face). Hello? Hello?
Oh, for a second I thought you were unconscious!
As in….you were very lost in feeling less-than (or like a piece of dung, to put it more viscerally) as you gazed upon this other person who is a genius, and gorgeous, and successful, and wealthy, and succeeding in every way possible.
What was up with that?
Why did you start comparing yourself so critically? And put yourself in the lower-than-jello type position? What happened there?
The reason I can see when someone is doing this, when they use comparison language or talk about themselves poorly….
…is because I’ve done it myself.
It happened not long ago, and it wasn’t the first time.
I’m a member of an audience. We’re talking and all abuzz, waiting for our idol (er, I mean mentor) to come on stage to give a speech.
She walks down the aisle right past me to the left, greeting people fairly quickly, smiling. She is more beautiful in person than online where I’ve seen her many times on camera and video. She’s vibrant, shaking a few peoples’ hands, running up to the stage, laughing.
I have a sinking feeling, rather than a full, uplifted feeling.
I am Not Her. Nothing like her. Never will be.
Blech.
Oh. I almost forgot. There’s The Work.
I should just do The Work on myself and what a loser I am, what a dork, what a failure, someone who never gets to that other high level.
Um.
The thing is. When you have this voice running (which so many of us seem to do) that same voice will direct you to do The Work on yourself, so you get fixed ASAP.
Even in this situation, I’ve found it to bring more clarity and freeing results to still look at that other person, who happens to be better than me this time, and write down all my thoughts.
I am upset (envious, jealous, afraid) in this situation because she is so far beyond me in success, it’s overwhelming.
Keep writing out your JYN. Write on that genius of a person, not you, who is doing it right.
How do you want her to change? Maybe pay close personal attention to you? See what you might demand about this person, if you had your way? How could she help you fix your inadequate feelings inside?
Be ridiculous, petty, childish.
What do you advise for her? What should she do? What shouldn’t she do?
Again, be unedited in your writing.
She should take me under her wing and show me exactly how to become as successful as her. She should tell me all about her life. She should be my good friend. She shouldn’t ignore me. She should show me she’s human.
In order to be happy, I need her to….what? What do you need her to do, say, think, feel in your presence so that you feel happy instead of frightened, or envious?
I need her to consult me for wisdom, to connect with me, to tell me her secrets, to tell me about how her mind works, to invite me over for dinner. I need her to ask me questions. I need her to be curious and intrigued with me.
She is bright, funny, clever, gorgeous, wealthy, successful beyond my wildest dreams, perfect.
I don’t ever want her to make me feel like success is not for me, impossible and out of reach by comparison.
Oooh.
That’s kind of an embarrassing worksheet to share.
All the more reason to actually share it.
This worksheet is one you can write when you want to attack yourself for being worse, lousy, inadequate, wrong.
Instead of beating yourself to a pulp on paper, look out there at that other incredible person you find is doing it in the best way possible. The one who is not you. The opposite of you, perhaps.
Allow your mind to go nuts on paper as you gaze upon this person who is so fabulous (vs the usual JYN full of mean thoughts about someone else). This is just the other side of the same coin, only you are the one in the low position this time.
Many of us start to tell this story….
….and it’s a great one to question.
We do The Work on it in the next Grace Note, and see what happens.
Not long ago, someone suggested that it was unfortunate, and kind of weird, that a program I’m participating in to explore death and dying, culture, family, place, history, tradition (and the loss of it)……has mostly white people enrolled.
It’s not the first time, or the only area in my life, where the people attending and participating appear to look a lot like me. Which is white. (And we could question this, about what color/race is, and if it’s who you actually are.)
In meditation retreats of 500 participants I’ve attended, there’s a small handful of people who are other colors than white. At the School for The Work there was 98% white people. In a career training program I was in 8 years ago, all 15 participants, and all the trainers were….white.
Now, there’s absolutely nothing “wrong” with this, of course.
Until.
Someone has a tone of voice or a statement or observation that sounds troubled, critical, worried.
Why are so many of you…..white? Aren’t you all privileged?
Ow. Yikes. Ugh.
What happens when you think you’re guilty, or you shouldn’t be complaining, or something’s wrong because….you’re white, or another race, or you’re male, or you’re from “x” country, or you do “y” job?
Oooh. I almost forgot. Shoot.
I shouldn’t complain or be disturbed. There are so many other people far worse off than me. Why am I even enrolling in meditation retreats or educational programs or doing The Work? My ancestors had all the perks. Right? I have opportunities other people don’t have.
Other people don’t have the time, or fortitude, or resources, to attend retreats or educate themselves about the mind, or study, or “relax”.
This is a very deeply stressful and dividing story.
That what you are….is based on false beliefs, ignorance, privilege….and others are worse off than you. That what you are is your appearance. You’ve got it pretty good, by comparison. You think you have it bad? Check out those Other People (and quit complaining, while you’re at it)!
They are suffering, you’re better off.
Is that true?
It hurts when your answer is “yes”.
They Are Suffering!!!!
Can you absolutely know it’s true, that your story is easier, better, more privileged than other peoples’ story? That you doing The Work is an elevated position? That your enrollment in “x” program is smoother than for others of different races or backgrounds?
That they are suffering, and you aren’t (by comparison)?
OK. It seems like, based on comparison, the answer is “yes”. It’s true I have had it easier historically compared to other stories I’ve encountered. Or my ancestors have.
But what if you had no problem with the observation that most of the people in your circles in “x” program look like you? What if you didn’t have stress about this unplanned “segregation”?
How do you react when you believe you’ve had perks?
I believe there’s something wrong. Guilty. Ashamed. Worried about complaining. Dismissive of my own suffering.
I’m suddenly taken back to elementary fifth grade, middle school, high school. Whites are the minority at school, not the majority like the city population or the immediate neighborhood I live in. I get called names sometimes, and the names include my race. I’m from the group who is doing it wrong. I’m not that cool. My boyfriend breaks up with me to go out with a girl who isn’t….white. It’s better to be Not White. Obviously.
This is an old, painful thought. What I am, “my” people, are the perpetrators. The ugly ones. The uncool.
The leader/author/teacher of the program I was participating in, where someone asked about why almost everyone was white was completely undisturbed with the question when it came up, hanging in the air in the hall where we all sat for our lectures and contemplation and note-taking.
He answered, without a blink of an eye, not very bothered.
“Because the people who are here need this program, apparently, and many others who are not white, don’t. Not right now. That’s the reality.”
Oh. duh. OK.
By comparison, I may have a privileged background. But I do not know my background shouldn’t be as it is. I don’t know that I shouldn’t be enrolled in the programs I’ve been enrolled in. I don’t know I shouldn’t be practicing meditation, The Work, or studying the way I do.
Who would I be without this story that I’m white and I should/shouldn’t….(fill in the blank)?
Without the belief that what I look like means “x” and I should feel “y” I notice….I have absolutely no idea what or who I am.
I watch my mind contort. I notice I’m interested in what’s familiar and unfamiliar. Right and wrong. Good and bad. That’s the way of the mind. Up and down. In and out.
My mental process naturally moves to find solutions, rest, safety. I have no idea what’s really true, or what’s going on.
Just like everyone else’s mind.
I turn the stories around:
a) They are not suffering, I am suffering, b) everyone and anyone can question their stories–it doesn’t matter your age, history, family, race, origin, c) there is no “genuine” suffering or “ultimate” better off….not for anyone, d) this thinking about suffering, brings suffering
Every one of these has been just as true or truer.
How could it be a good and natural thing that all these white people (again, me included) are enrolled in this program, or reading that book, or at this function or event, or doing The Work?
Well, perhaps we are all helping to address imbalance, war, fighting, separation and identity….and losing it. Maybe we’re in a training preparation for awareness, clarity, vision, and letting go of shame. We’re drawn to something truthful, and we have the means to enroll ourselves and get involved. Maybe we’re concerned, and taking action.
What if it has nothing to do with being white, and everything to do with being white?
Right on time. Perfectly on schedule.
What would you be without your story?
Can you do your work, no matter what race, or gender, or orientation or preferences you have?
I notice when I feel included, and not so afraid, and loving, and willing, and open, and when I question my stressful thoughts…..
…..I connect. I am not a color, I am not a body, I don’t have a gender, I’m not my name, I’m not an age. This thing called “I” is rather undefined and moving. Just like my life, which is very temporary and will be over at some point, perhaps not so long from now.
Without my beliefs about race, I follow what the Buddhists call Right Action.
Something’s alive and on fire and living love, and passion and care for what’s around me. Everyone’s included here. This means all the people I ever put into their own “special” category like the 1% or the 99%, or those who voted that way, or junk-food eaters or pop-drinkers or drug users or liars or patriarchs or hypocrites or men or women or bullies or fundamentalists…..and me. I am also included here, as someone I care about very much.
Give The Work your thoughts, one stressful belief at a time.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, the wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tost to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!”
If these words sound familiar, they are the poetry of Emma Lazarus whose family immigrated to the US from Germany. She studied her Jewish ancestors’ difficult history, women’s rights and their absence, the struggle of immigration. Many of us have heard this part of the poem because they’re inscribed on the Statue of Liberty in NYC.
The honest stories of what the day of thanksgiving represents are a combination, truthfully, of gratitude and deep desperate grief. Violence and rest. Conquering and surrendering. War and peace. Beginnings and endings. Duality.
The way of it.
What I notice about the experience of reality is it changes, and appears to include all things: very difficult, very beautiful.
And suffering, that is repeating what is difficult, appears to come out of believing painful thoughts.
Get away from THOSE people, be like THIS, don’t to THAT, don’t listen to your heart, DEFEND, use force to find safety, demand, be right, MAKE yourself be grateful.
Gasp.
Did I just say that?
Did I just imply you can be violent on yourself and your own mind by telling yourself you SHOULD be grateful, especially on Thanksgiving?
Yes, because before I did The Work, I had many beliefs about how people were supposed to act and “think” that look very good from the outside, but are not necessarily kind.
You should be grateful, giving, you should make donations, you should be thoughtful, you should be nice to your relatives, you should get along with everyone. You should eat turkey. (LOL).
What I noticed is, if I really wanted to question my suffering, then EVERYTHING was up for inquiry. Including the TO-DO commandments and any beliefs I had about how people (including me) should act, think, feel, or be.
I was interested in The Work because not only were other people, places, things and events not measuring up to perfection, but most importantly, neither was I.
I’m not too sure the experience of people traveling, leaving home, immigrating, journeying or being invaded has been all that sweet.
I’m pretty sure it’s been exceptionally sour at times, even bitter, and devastating.
But what if we could find peace, anyway? Even in the midst of chaos, war, emotional wounds, worry, fear.
Give me your tired, your poor repetitive stressful thoughts….
….all those stories and beliefs huddled together yearning to breathe free, the wretched discarded waste of believing….all piled up cluttering the senses and teeming over your consciousness. All those pictures, images, experiences in the past, being remembered over and over again.
Send all those stories and ingrained beliefs and unquestioned tales of suffering with no place to ever call home, all tossed around wildly through memories, gossip, fear, getting triggered….
….send all those beliefs to Inquiry! A lamp that can take anyone through a golden door!
I know, I know, it sounds very dramatic and flowery, but I’ve seen people (including yours truly) find deeply unexpected peace by questioning thoughts, rather than trying to get themselves, other people, places, or events to change.
What a relief. What a powerful experience of energizing, creating, inventing something new, or returning to something very ancient and familiar and loving.
So I’m excited that tomorrow on USA Thanksgiving morning I’ll get on the phone with lovely inquirers from 8-9:30 am to dive into The Work. Jump on any time. Bring your thoughts on election results, those other people who are upset about the election results, family disturbances, concerns for the holidays, fears, sadness, what you’re against.
This is for the places we don’t exactly feel thankful.
Which is one of the first things I love about The Work: you get to be babyish, immature, ridiculous, nasty, resentful, rude….all on paper.
Let it out! Don’t hold back!
Simply being honest, writing it down.
You don’t have to speak, share or even say one thing out loud on our call–you can use the time to listen and meditate on your own inquiry experience.
Another thing I love about The Work so much is that you get to answer the questions….YOUR answers. Not one single other person’s answers, not answers you SHOULD answer if you were polite and kind.
You really get to sit and contemplate the truth, for yourself, and wonder what it’s like if you didn’t believe everything you think.
I’ve found it to be exceptionally liberating and life-changing.
To not believe I must fight, assert, push against, clench my fists, or argue in order to be safe, loving, or free….
….this is amazing.
Join me Thursday if you can, I’d love to have you there, no matter what kind of thoughts you’ve ever had. You are welcome. So are your thoughts.
“Thoughts ….those are my children ….and I’m a good mother. Mother your thoughts. Mother them like they are the most adorable children you have ever seen. Speak to them in the sweetest, softest voice that you have ever used to calm that adorable child. Mother the children in your head. That’s the power.” ~ Byron Katie
“If you believe that anyone’s action is bad, how can you see the good in it? How can you see the good that comes out of it, maybe years later? If you see anyone as bad, how can you understand that we are all created equal? We’re all teachers by the way we live. A blind drunk can teach more about why not to drink than an abstinent man in all his piety. No one has more or less goodness. No one who ever lived is a better or a worse human being than you.” ~ Byron Katie
Wow.
Who would we be today, without believing our stressful stories?
How would you be, act, feel, live….just for today?
Somehow lately I’ve had not only individual clients, but a whole group of people in their own parent coaching program, doing The Work with me on parenting issues (thank you Jacqueline Green for inviting me to work with your group).
Taking care of another person who is less capable or able or adept than you are.
Sometimes, a very distressing area of concern.
So many troubling thoughts about the magnitude of responsibility we feel for our kids (or those others we’re caring for).
It’s been awhile since I’ve thought as much as I once did about trouble with kids. But I did spend a whole lot of time in the past on them, and on criticizing myself as a mom.
Lately not just one, but three parents expressed their greatest fury was with themselves more than their kids. I was reminded of the power of thoughts on our experience of parenting….
….and the huge relief of questioning them.
(If you’re interested in reading the ebook Top Most Stressful Thoughts Parents have that keep them struggling with their kids, you can download it here).
But here are a few of the Biggies right now:
I could ruin their lives, I’m The One guiding them. They should be like “x”, or “y”. I need them to act like good, polite, productive citizens. To share, to stop hitting, to say they’re sorry, to be admirable.
And oh, the worst most stressful thought: If they have a hard time, in any way whatsoever….it’s my fault.
So picture a moment where your kid is doing what they’re doing, and you are so troubled by it.
A wonderful long-term inquirer who’s been in Year of Inquiry several times recently said she felt anxious as her son was dropping out of college.
A dad worked with me recently on his ten year old who was being critical and mean.
Another mom worked with me on feeling upset when her kids started yelling at each other, and the older one smacked the younger one. She went ballistic herself
Maybe your kid is refusing to clean up their art project, or move out, or get a job, or turn out the light at bedtime.
It’s the fault of the parent if a kid is doing something disturbing or impolite or unexpected.
Is it true?
Yes. If only I had been more clear, earlier in life. If only I had been more stable emotionally. If only I had communicated more maturely. If only…..
My fault.
People feel this way all the time when their kids get into drugs, or have eating disorders, or feel suicidal. I contributed. I didn’t help. I’m inadequate. I was a terrible role model.
Is that really true, though? Are you sure you’re in charge? Are you sure you’re the central “cause” of their suffering or trouble? Are you positive, with no doubt whatsoever, that YOU have such a big role in this child’s problem?
No.
I’m there, I’m a part of it, sure—but the creator of it? The one who made it happen?
I notice, I’m not that powerful.
Just like I discovered about my own parents from doing The Work on them.
How do you react when you believe it’s your fault?
It’s agonizing.
I’m in that kid’s business every single day, trying to brainstorm ways he can succeed, having ideas that might “help” him. I send him emails with to-do steps. I work harder. I work on myself with a vengeance.
Some parents report feeling really, really, really awful about themselves, and practically like they’d be better off dead.
But who would you be without this story?
When I first did this work, I had a sudden AH-HA about this belief that’s very stressful in our culture: parents are the cause of their children’s agony.
It’s in many theories of psychology, and we’ve all analyzed the personalities of our parents.
Nothing wrong with looking at what we experienced (not at all) but are you sure this collective belief is useful to believe that the fault lies with the parents when their kids suffer?
Are you sure YOUR parents caused your trouble?
Who would you be without this really pervasive, stressful story?
Without that thought, I realized, wow….I’m responsible, not my mom, not my dad.
So are my kids.
Now, this is not an excuse to pile on the guilt even higher. Instead, just feel into who or what you would be, without the story of it being anyone’s fault at all.
No more need to sort out this parent-child relationship thing endlessly.
Doing The Work on our parents is fantastic (and deeply valuable), very freeing and full of insights, but then let’s step back into the present moment, and see our lives freshly with new eyes.
How would I feel and behave, without my story that it’s my fault what happens with my kids? How would I think, feel, act without the story it’s my parents’ fault what happened with me
Woah.
Turning the thought around: it’s NOT my fault. It’s no one’s fault. It’s their fault. There is no “fault”.
Could that be just as true, or truer?
“If you want to be a lover, you gotta be a lover of what is. Period. End of story. And if there’s contraction, you’ve got to be intimate with that….There’s a scream saying “no” but love says “yes”. Unconditional love is not trying to change anything!” ~ Adyashanti
Unconditional love is not trying to get you fixed as a parent. It doesn’t think you’re a mistake. Or you did it incorrectly, or wrong.
Here we are, all imperfect and trying and caring deeply about this dynamic between child and parent.
(Or between ourselves and ANYONE right now, who might need help)…
Could you be enough, for your kid, since you’re the one apparently the parent, in this lifetime? Could you be enough, for you?
Could you be enough, if you’re taking care of someone who’s incapacitated in some way?
I remember recognizing the difference between relaxing, surrendering, trusting the way life was unfolding for my kids without lecturing them or getting upset or making suggestions….
….and instead, listening.
I noticed, they responded more openly and shared a lot more when I wasn’t hitting myself (mentally) with a stick.
Together, we wondered about how things might work out. Together, there was talking happening, and ideas, and me fascinated with what was occurring, and love. Lots of love. With an unknown future.
And if I was nervous or stressed….I knew what to do. Take it to inquiry, on paper.
This brings me to unconditional love, every time.
It brings me to being someone without a stressful story–about me, or my kids. One thought at a time.
Speaking of family. If you’d like to join inquirers together on the phone, writing down your thoughts, moving through The Work of Byron Katie, questioning stress….come to my free gathering for USA Thanksgiving from 8:00-9:30 am Pacific Time.
Open to everyone, just bring a pen and paper or your writing device, the spirit of meditation and contemplation, and your willingness to question your thinking.
Save this email so you can connect with us all on Thursday morning this week and choose to dial-in using your phone or your computer. If you want to listen-only, select WebCast. If you’d like to be able to share out loud or ask questions, select Web-Call.
When I used to be invited to a potluck, a feast, a celebration, a party, a huge dinner, a brunch, a birthday….OK, you name it, a place where there was food all over….
….I started getting anxious about the food long before I went.
If it’s really good, I’ll eat from one end of the room to the other, all the while faking like I’m normal, and then ditch out of there.
I won’t eat anything at all. I’ll have a salad. I’ll drink soda water with lemon slices.
I’ll call and ask them beforehand to make some special no-skin chicken or other specially prepared food that’s plain, non-triggering, and pure or healthy or “right”.
Arrrrrggggghhhhh!!!!!
What I really wanted was to NOT BE THINKING ABOUT IT BEFORE IT HAPPENED.
I didn’t want to be concerned in any way with the food.
I wanted to relax today, in the present moment, and eat when hungry and stop eating when full, and enjoy food and eating immensely.
Well….when you’ve used food for emotional safety and comfort, when you’ve used food to replenish you after you’ve been starving yourself, when you’ve used food to help you with your feelings….it’s going to have a pretty big role in your life.
First thing to do: don’t beat yourself up into a pulp.
Seriously, if you knew any better, you would have done it differently long ago.
Food has been reliable in many ways, and YOU are not a terrible awful person for relying on it.
Today I share with you one kind of funny way to handle big food events, feasts, and times when food is a gigantic focus (and by the way, these will eventually be absolutely wonderful celebrations for you, too, in a very normal way).
I call it the Slowing Down step, which is the first step in a series of seven I sometimes talk about when it comes to healing food and eating.
And here’s the fun news: I’m inspired to offer an entirely free MasterClass on all seven steps to Eating Peace.
If you’d like to register for the MasterClass, please click here. We’ll meet on Wednesday, November 23rd at 1:00 pm. Please set aside 90 minutes.
Can’t wait to bring you this masterclass training, it will be the very first time I’m doing it in this particular format, and I hope it gives you fantastic practices for any upcoming feast (or any discomfort with food and eating)!
Even if you can’t make it to the MasterClass, watch here for the first Slowing Down step and how you can bring it to your next feast. (Hint: there’s a little bit of Step Seven in what I share here today….they all become a big process together, bringing you thinking, feeling and eating peace).
Yesterday, in Grace Notes here I shared an example of writing a worksheet on a moment where you’re looking at someone else….
