Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Uncertainty is BAD–and there’s too much of it. Are you sure?

As I worked on updating the first webinar Orientation for Year of Inquiry day-before-yesterday, I contemplated the week ahead of greeting folks both new and returning to the program.

I also thought about how courageous people are to say “yes” to enrolling in Year of Inquiry with so much uncertainty in the conditions of the world.

A year is long. It’s soooo long.

We don’t know when we can come out of our homes. Houses are burning down. Hurricanes are building. Protests are in the streets. Kids are supposed to be starting school but are not. A virus is spreading. People have lost their jobs.

Holy Smokes! (Um, that would be literally where I live, from forest fires to the east).

Working away on my computer to get ready for Orientation, I glanced out my little cottage living room window at the smokey skies.

And then a thought that it’s true there’s too much uncertainty, in the future a six-month program or even month-to-month is better for this longer-term intimate group.

I had a dream that night after finishing the webinar slides.

A theme emerged: Not Finding It.

Dream. I’m invited to a potluck party in the mountains that’s part of a fundraising non-profit event, with my youngest sister. We drive far up into the green forest, several hours.

We arrive and join a gathering in the large open clearing of a very big ranch-style rambling house surrounded by forest. It’s a summer setting outdoors with seats, tables full of food offerings, fire pits, a low buzz of conversations.

Lots of families and lots of new people my sister and I have never met before. Hand shaking and people eager to help the cause (don’t ask me what the cause was, this is a dream).

Time passes.

Far off in the corner of my eye, I suddenly am shocked to see a very dear friend who is also a facilitator of The Work come through an open door at the side of the house, moving fast. He’s looking down and never glances over.

He takes only a few steps and grabs the door knob to another garage-looking small one-story building, and disappears into it. Careful to close the door behind him.

Wait, did I just see that? (I thought, in the dream).

Why is he here?

Does he know these people?

And where has my sister gone? I wonder what time it is?

Extremely curious and a little excited, I walk across the lawn and approach the door he had gone through and open it.

Inside is an open carpeted type room with at least twenty people gathered together, blankets and pillows sprawled everywhere, a cozy feeling–all people I’ve seen or met through The Work.

Friends. Facilitators. People who love to question their thinking.

Turns out there’s a retreat happening here and my friend had left the room to get a book to read a passage from it (which he had not found, so was returning empty-handed).

The room was reassembling as he returned, but some glanced up and saw me at the door.

Grace??!! YOU are here?! Whaaat??

They recognized me and were as surprised to see me as I was to see them.

I was invited to stay.

But I had to find my sister first and let her know. I guess she should drive the car we came in back home to the city by herself. I could figure out how to get back later (hmmm, will that be a problem)?

I went back out into the non-profit potluck gathering of friendly people–mostly strangers–to find my sister. Where did she go?

She was nowhere in the crowd.

Maybe I should call? I’ll text her. The buttons on my phone kept not working, or I’d hit the wrong one.

(You know those dreams where you can’t quite make the connection? Or you can’t quite get off the ground when you’re trying to fly? Or you can’t speak loud enough for someone to hear you?)

In any case, it was a cliff-hanger.

I woke up.

I was presented with an invitation to do The Work with remarkable people all of whom love this practice, all so curious and filled with awe about the human mind, and how to change their lives based on questioning their beliefs.

But me not quite able to go “in” without hesitation.

Too much uncertainty, disconnection, wondering where my sister (family) was, needing to make sure she’s OK and can get back home by herself and she knows I myself am changing plans.

Plus. More thoughts.

How did I not know that quiet gathering of all these amazing people was happening? Only a few hours drive from my home?

Have I been missing things? Missing communication?

Not Finding It?

Wow.

The feeling was so strong of confusion, wondering, and total surprise….”accidentally” falling into a welcome gathering I apparently traveled to without knowing I was traveling there….and also wondering how this could be?

Funny how the journey inward into “there” or “home” is uncertain, unexpected, surprising, doubtful, weird, unplanned.

The people who we join with show up unexpectedly and still we may need to decide before going all the way “in”.

So many considerations!

Dreams are quite fascinating.

Images, words, pictures, feelings.

It reminded me so clearly that imagery creates feeling, thoughts produce feelings.

 

Even if they are not real and we know they aren’t real. 

We can KNOW something is a made-up story, and yet the body is reacting to the thought.

Movies, stories, dreams, videos, mental imagery.

We wake up from a dream (sometimes a nightmare) and our heart beats rapidly, our body feels full of tension or sadness or desire.

It’s processing through.

We’re still curious and often sorting through the dream afterwards, making friends with it (or wishing we would), pondering it.

I was deeply drawn to meditate on the vivid images in this dream, and notice the underlying theme of Not Finding It and Uncertainty.

An old familiar.

Is it true “I” don’t find it and the outcome is worrisome?

What are you looking for?

Whether it’s “truth” or “ease” or “abundance” or “connection” or “love” or “rest” or “peace” or “realization” or “enlightenment” or “support”?

Are you sure it’s missing?

Yes, yes, yes. That was weird in-between purgatorial type zone in the dream. I know that place. Not there, or here either. Floating.

Friends over there doing The Work happily together, beloved family connection somewhere in the woods amongst strangers.

Can you be sure something’s missing or dangerously uncertain–this sense of belonging? Or love?

No.

Is it true WE are supposed to be the ones finding something? Finding answers? Finding “home”?

Am I the seeker?

Uncertainty.

I asked myself this question: Is it OK you hang between choices, you don’t know the future, you can’t connect to the person you believe you should connect with (sister), you’re floating in a zone between a potluck fundraiser and a garage?

 

Is a Year really too long for inquiry?

LOL.

Who would we be without the story of uncertainty?

I wouldn’t need to know about the future.

I notice I already don’t, and never really have. Not the details at least.

Who would “I” be, or who would “it” be, or how would it be to not feel frightened or frustrated with the uncertainty?

Could it be OK, even peaceful, to not panic when I can’t make the contact I think is required?

Turning the thought around to the underlying belief called “Not Finding It” (Uncertainty).

I am finding it. I found it already. It’s here.

Something here is certain.

Only my thoughts don’t “find it”. My thinking loves to seek. My thinking can’t seem to decide, wants to make the “right” decision. Is pulled in many directions.

There is no need to go hunting.

What is here, is good.

Except for this thinking that runs, even in the dreamworld, things are simply unfolding the way they do.

Could it be that reality is friendlier than we *think*?

A little while after finishing the slide preparation, I had a conversation with a person I had not met before for twenty minutes or so, who was interested in Year of Inquiry.

She shared that she loves it is a whole year. The container is built to last awhile.

So I had a turnaround presented right in front of me.

A year is great for uncertainty. Who knows where the world will be in a year, over the course of life unfolding. Maybe we’ll be gathering together in person again. Maybe not.

I notice in this moment the joyful recognition that it’s OK to suddenly stumble upon the support we need.

Here we all are, and here we go, together.

Well, it’s apparently just right for me.

The groups, the connections, the learning.

Thank you for being on this journey with me and sharing the dance of connection and having a unique life that something is navigating, all while feeling the beat of “home”.

Growing that beat of home until it’s shining so brightly, it doesn’t matter if there’s no cell phone service, no Finding It. (Haha).

If you’re ready to serendipitously fall into the support of a group, then you can still jump on board the peace train in whatever form serves you best. It’s here for you.

For us.

One thing I love most of all is with Work of Byron Katie we’re not trying to get what someone else is believing or thinking or teaching is “right”.

We are our own teachers.

We’re the ones being with this mind and welcoming it–the one I’ve been given–to cherish and love unconditionally.

The Work is the only way I’ve ever known how.

Options:

a) Year of Inquiry train. This is Orientation week (ask me about partial scholarships if you don’t have employment–I was surprised at how few asked me about this for the year). A year of supportive connection and step-by-step with self-inquiry. It’s the same investment as one private 1-hour session per month when you pay in full (or 1.5 sessions per month for the monthly payment plan). Hit reply if you’re ready or have Q’s.

b) Relationship Hell to Heaven: for those navigating divorce, separation, break-up and the confusion or suffering we experience. Sundays starting Sept 17-Nov 15th (no session Oct 4th or Oct 18th). With the good Nadine Ferris-France a wonderful facilitator in The Work.

c) Fall retreat with Grace. Oct 15-18, 2020. 9am-Noon Pacific Time/ Noon-3pm Eastern Time/ 6pm-9pm European time. Three hours a day sliding scale enrollment. (Saturday is set for afternoon hours PT 2-5pm but if most people want earlier hours on Saturday then we will switch. All sessions recorded).

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Will send this out to Eating Peace mailing list soon. Can’t wait.

Eating Peace Experience:

October 19, 2020-March 18, 2021

Read about it here.

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Do we stop making plans? (+ year of inquiry information)

It’s interesting the way we “make” plans.

I plan to do “x” tomorrow, and “y” next year. I plan on living at “z” in 2025 and visiting “q” in the summer. I plan on washing my clothes on Saturday. I plan on meditating at 7am every day.

Then, there’s what actually happens. Sometimes the plan goes as expected, sometimes not.

Stress can rise up when the plans are made because of stress, because of a need for control, because of fear, because of aggression against What Is. (This is where “diets” or ways-of-eating often came in for me).

It does seem like plans are fun and loving when the reason for them is loving, kind, joyful, exciting, supportive.

So what’s a peaceful, loving, fun plan?

Doesn’t that sound nice, to have a fun and loving plan for just about anything you dream about and say “I’ll make a plan for that!” 

Year of Inquiry starts in a month.

It won’t be the way the mind exactly “plans” it.

That’s impossible, honestly.

And yet, in the midst of the now, and this thing called “time” and the imagined future for anything….in this case the Year of Inquiry….I’ve been pondering what will be different this coming year.

One thing that’s going to be different, for example, is Saturdays.

One of the times you can join, which has been asked from people wanting to attend for years, is the weekend.

Why not? I used to find a clear reason why not with kids and family and friends and dancing on Saturdays. But not now. So we’ll gather for those who like that time on Saturdays (8:30am Pacific Time/ 12:30pm Eastern).

I’ve also been sitting with the topics we’ve had for several years in YOI; (we study one of these monthly: for example writing the JYN, body, money, relationships, family-of-origin, turnarounds, fear, etc).

We’ve investigated our stories on the topics, in the same order even, for quite a few years.

Everyone has stories about money, or the body, or certain relationships. Everyone has stories about family of origin: mother, father, sister, brother. Everyone has stories about getting it wrong and getting it right, not being good enough or needing something to be different.

No new thoughts.

But it appears the plan for topics will shift and expand a bit.

I’ve loved noticing over the years the common Top Hit Parade of underlying beliefs about reality, about ourselves, about other people that seem to arise repeatedly in the mind.

So many complicated and complex stories….but are they really that complicated?

Maybe the details change, but the story comes out of a shorter list than I once imagined about what’s going on here in life.

  • I thought I was abandoned
  • I almost died
  • they rejected/criticized me (see #1)
  • I have to do this by myself (I’m not enough, I’m all alone, I need help, I should work harder, since I’m abandoned)
  • Something’s missing (money, love, health, freedom, peace)
  • I’m not safe
  • I need to wake up/get somewhere else consciously (because then all of the above will be irrelevant, and I’ll be happy)
  • Now (or in the past in that situation) I am not happy–this isn’t it

It does seem like there are constant stories the mind communicates, or is it one persistent story?

Do some of us have a song we play over and over, and it’s really the same song (even though we thought it was a different song)?

I remember noticing my “Abandonment Story”.

I am abandoned. I’m not enough, not good enough, relaxed enough, self-less enough, peaceful enough, supported enough, free enough.

“I”. Abandoned.

How do we know?

The mind has its proof!

So now, I’ll plan on how Not To Be Abandoned. (haha).

“I” Am Abandoned. I have zillions of pieces of evidence. I rest my case.

But who am I without this story, in my particular and unique threatening or concerning situations I’ve experienced?

I don’t appear to need to make a plan to brace against potential abandonment.

Nice to notice.

What about another common story:

The “This Is Not It” Story.

This person isn’t “it”, my child isn’t “it” (the way I expected), my life isn’t “it”, this job isn’t “it”, this feeling isn’t “it”.

I’m not exactly sure what “it” is, but THIS is certainly NOT it.

LOL.

This list of topics in Year of Inquiry seems to allow a doorway to open into common stressful stories. Songs we’ve been singing, perhaps for our whole lives.

For example, Family of Origin opens up to the story of “they did it to me” or “I am special”.

Money opens up to “I have to access it” or “it’s possible for there not to be enough” or “I need this in order to be happy” (Dependency Story).

The Body topic offers deeply similar story lines: “I Must Survive” story or “Dying is Worse/Better Than Living” or “Living Is Better/Worse Than Dying” stories.

Again with the body, as with money or lovers or conditions there’s the “I-need-this-to be-‘x’-in-order-to-be-happy” story. Thin, healthy, alive, pain-free, intact, youthful.

What I notice is stories can be boiled down.

Boiled, boiled and boiled down, with all the moisture evaporating into the air (all the details becoming unimportant).

I see the stressful story, the concerning story.

As I answer four questions, awareness comes alive of Who I Am Without A Story.

A wonder, a creative process, a joy.

Moods, conditions, experiences, people, bodies, flavors come and go.

What is here without a story about it?

So thrilling.

So with all this said, and an apparent story about a future that begins in a month (LOL)….a group will gather again to share the power of self-inquiry.

At least this appears very likely as the plan.

It’s happened for ten different groups prior to this one. There will be a “last one” someday.

For now, it appears a thrill and spark has caught fire imagining this newest group starting, and people already signing up (especially several repeaters who know they like it and want to stick with it).

And so within, I’m watching ideas appear that had not appeared before about this next year-of-inquiry group.

Noticing the gratitude and and freedom and joy that arises when questioning stressful thinking–or why else would we even do this work?

Noticing “plans” and watching them come alive without stress.

Some shifts to the monthly topics…a study of the “stories” they point to.

The Story of “I” and the need for “Me” to make plans, be on the alert, be in charge, run the show, be safe, be careful, avoid pain, get pleasure, get enlightened.

Without a stressful story, the joy of the upcoming adventure grows.

This practice of self-inquiry using the four questions stuns me in how I have persistently been interested for almost 20 years.

Even when I’ve had the thought “I’m sick of doing The Work!” 

Here it comes again, consistent, steady, the clearest and simplest way.

No set answers in stone, no one else’s answers, just mind’s awareness opening and closing, starting and stopping, beginning and ending….kind of like life.

So those wishing to join together with others on the path of self-inquiry and wonderment about What Is….

….For those continuing to be curious about what else is here besides a story about what is here….

….there will be some new additions and changes in the program format to support our inquiry together.

There are loving “plans” underway:

  • Other facilitators giving their time for extra sessions.
  • Other guest facilitators visiting our group.
  • Invitations to dancing online to a set list on Saturdays for those wanting to feel their inquiry in the body.
  • Partner work, as always, for everyone enrolled who wants to pair with others.
  • Written exercises to dive deep into our awareness of what we’ve believed.

And always, always the simple awareness for Year of Inquiry to learn to be, share, and love what is.

“I am a lover of what is, not because I am a spiritual person, but because it hurts when I argue with reality.” ~ Byron Katie

Check out the details here.

As a loving offer for those who are part of the family of Grace Note readers who have read all of this–YOU–I offer you a special invitation for Year of Inquiry which is usually only for repeaters or people in Summer Camp or other programs like Eating Peace Experience.

If you use the coupon code VIP when you sign up for full pay Year of Inquiry then a whole $500 will be subtracted from the full fee, and for the entire year the cost will be only $1497 for those who register before September 1st.

Yes, this is lower than I’ve ever offered, but there has been more people participating since the first year I ever offered this, the costs to run YOI are more spread out between a greater number of folks, the flow seems easier since all the tech is set up, the amount of admin time is simpler.

The one thing to consider about Year of Inquiry is that it is created to be a one-year program. We request 60 days to consider and fully participate, and after that please be “in” or “out” for the rest of the year (by November 15th).

There is a monthly payment plan as well, which you’ll see when you visit here.

I also offer anyone reading this the monthly pay private code for repeaters if you choose to register by paying each month for 12 months. The code for the monthly payment discount is TRUE.

If you decide to join us in Year of Inquiry and use these special discount codes, you need to do it before Sept 1st.

We’re preparing, and we can’t wait to connect with you–old and new friends, walking each other home.

Visit the information page here.

Much love,

Grace

 

https://www.workwithgrace.com/year-of-inquiry/#hero

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This has been killing me since January. (Oh, wait…is that true?)

Last January 28th, on my birthday to be exact, my mom and I had breakfast in the local Honey Bear Bakery across the street from my cottage.

That late day in January almost seven months ago, we decided to take a walk in my neighborhood in the bright mid-day winter.

It was a little bit sunny, I remember. Not Raining is a thing at that time of year.

The air was fresh, cool. Soothing.

The night before I had texted my son, now living very close by in the house his father had owned before he died of cancer 18 months earlier.

My son had replied “Sure, breakfast with you and grandma sounds fun! See you there!”

He hadn’t shown up, so we ate without him.

No big deal, my mom and I said to each other. He’s so forgetful. If his head wasn’t attached by the neck to his body, he’d leave it somewhere.

We decided, as we put on our January rain jackets, to walk over to his place, knock on the door and see if he wanted to come walk with us.

We showed up at his basement apartment door.

Apologies, laughter, more apologies. There was a young woman in his apartment. We had heard about her, but not met her yet. She didn’t want to come out to meet us.

(I watched a few thoughts run through about that–she should want to meet us, if they’ve been dating for 3 months now….is it true?)

My son pulled on his tall black Hansen rubber boots to his 6 foot 4 inch tall frame.

Little did I know as we three stepped out into the lush, wet, northwest late morning that our walk would reveal a massively unexpected bit of information.

Like. Insanely unexpected.

Never, ever before imagined or wondered about.

Well, certainly not imagined for me.

During the conversation as we trod down the very center of the wide paved quiet road lined with huge tall evergreens, my mother started prodding my son with questions about his girlfriend.

My mom commented on how shy the young woman seemed. She also asked about the girlfriend’s change of pronouns to them/they/theirs.

“What’s her motivation….I mean, what’s ‘their’ motivation?” asks my mom.

“And are you thinking of changing your own pronouns?” says my mom after some discourse.

I almost want to say “don’t ask him so many personal questions–especially that one mom. Leave him alone, jeez.”

My mom has always been caring, interested, and has no hesitation asking whatever comes to her mind.

It’s been a really, really good thing, to be honest.

Even if incredibly uncomfortable sometimes growing up.

My son paused, stopped walking with tall cattails waving slowly behind him and the creek singing loudly just past the path we had turned on, both hands deep in his pants pockets….

….and said….

….”why yes, yes actually. I AM changing my pronouns. To they/them. No longer he/him. Consider the pronouns changed. I prefer they/them”.

Holy Sh*t.

I felt a rush of adrenaline.

That was the first spotlight of awareness getting revealed to me. The first piece of information that didn’t fit my expected story.

Like in a very dark black theater, I’m in the audience way back in the seats farthest away from the stage, and the show is about to begin.

BAM. You know that turn-on-the-huge-theater-spotlight sound?

All the light suddenly in a bright column on stage.

Blackness surrounding this column.

That one spotlight turns on and we see everything inside only that beam of light.

They/Them pronouns.

What does this mean?

I had not known there was a whole stage, a whole unknown world surrounding and behind the light beam of new information.

An entire world, a whole enormous set.

A set with furniture, color, atmosphere, clues, history, people, genders, anger, passion.

With one spotlight, it’s all still basically in the dark, but the audience now knows the set is there.

We know now.

I knew now.

I had seen none of it.

I hadn’t even been invited into the theater before. It almost seems I had accidentally entered this theater, pulled in by my mother and her curiosity.

A world of gender questioning and challenging in ways different from what I’ve pondered myself. Maybe.

BAM. Another spotlight turns on two weeks later when I have a further discussion with my oldest child, this being who is now they/them, and find out ‘they’ have been taking hormones to increase estrogen and decrease testosterone since October.

I almost gasp inside.

WHAT?!

The mind starts fitting puzzle pieces together from the past year. I think about how weird last Thanksgiving had been, for example. Last November. I felt like something wasn’t being said.

I had wondered on that November journey if it was just my own sentimentality since I had been to our destination many times over the years: Cannon Beach, Oregon.

It’s where I had spent a honeymoon with my children’s father, right after our November wedding in 1990.

I had wanted to talk about their dad and remember him, but something was just….off.

After the second evening together on that trip, just before dozing off to sleep, I had said to my now husband, my two children’s step father (he’s been around since the kids were 8 and 11) “Something’s off, like we aren’t talking about something. It feels weird. I can’t put my finger on it.”

BAM. Three more spotlights turn on a few more weeks later when we have a five hour conversation about gender, society, culture, depression, conditioning, suicide, rage.

Wow.

“I don’t know why, mom, it just seems right. I can’t present as a male right now in my life.”

Me in my head only [Why the hell not? You’re one of the good ones, we need you! Don’t abandon your role as man, oh please, let this not be happening. Why do all the good men leave? (Um, they don’t, let’s not get carried away).]

“No I have not consulted or told anyone at all. It seemed necessary to do this on my own and not get influenced by other people.”

[You didn’t want ME to influence you. I mean nothing to you? Mothers have no power after all. My heart is breaking. You shouldn’t care about whatever your gender is so much. You’re throwing away a great life. Sob. (Um, hello, remember “is it true?” Heh heh.)]

“No I am not interested in surgery”.

[Thank God, maybe there’s hope. Stop! Don’t! How could I have not seen this? What’s wrong with me? Is this because your dad died? Please never, ever want to get expensive surgery that will make you look confusing and weird. (Um, this doesn’t have anything to do with you? Hello?)].

“Sure I do like girls or women, yes, and you could say that makes me a non-binary lesbian, mom.”

[A lesbian with a penis? Stop the insanity! (Remember how much you like challenges to ‘normal’ and the joy of change?)].

“Quit asking me questions, do your own research! I don’t have time for five hour conversations every week.”

[My son has died. He never asked me one thing about this predicament, this concern. What is this agony? Remember how fun and comfortable you find the LGBTQ+ world–even though you don’t identify there? Why so upset?? (You sure are having a hissy fit, interesting!)]

After tossing and turning one night for hours, I knew what to do.

Write it down.

Catch the thoughts–manifest them on paper. Stop them moving so fast by writing them.

Take your own medicine, Grace.

Ask four questions on one thought at a time.

Turn it around.

Funny that I would even let a few days go by without doing The Work.

Thank goodness I facilitate The Work. It is for me, once again.

What’s that, Grace? Who’s it for?

(The court fool in the corner is holding their hand to their ear with a smile. “Who is The Work for, Ms. Bell?)

Me. Mind.

This mind, having it’s thoughts that are very dramatic, catastrophic, wail-inducing.

I do The Work. I find a crack in my story, just by watching the stress and disappointment arise and asking “who would I be without this story?”

For the next weeks, every person’s inquiry I work with, every group where someone brings pain to the surface, I see this “son” saying they aren’t my “son”.

I listen, I plug in my child’s face, I hear those who have come to be clients giving their wisdom; the lovely and thoughtful year of inquiry group, the sincere and passionate eating peace group….everyone in these groups so brilliant in their own way, here to speak their answers.

I write.

One day, I have people in one of the groups write down what they have lost, in an important situation where LOSS is the caption of the story.

I do the exercise, too.

What have I lost, when it comes to this oldest child of mine? What does it mean for me?

LOSS EXERCISE:
I’ve lost my fairy tale ending with a son
I’ve lost my SON, a boy.
And it means that…..
People will be frightened of him, and of me
I did something wrong
He’s reject-able
That beautiful version of him is dead
He is throwing his opportunity away
People will hurt him
Being the good king, being president, being in charge, being leader, being the man, being Jon Snow, being the biggest-boss-there-ever-was….is not possible.

I begin to do The Work.

I am stunned. I see how in the card deck, the King is higher than the Queen. It was always that way. I never questioned it.

Fascinating.

What if that’s not true?

I write several Judge Your Neighbor worksheets for different situations, answering the six questions to identify more of what I’m thinking. I spend time contemplating, wondering about my story.

I’m listening.

My first sentence? The crime, the offense, the thing I hate that’s happened?

“My son is killing my son”.

How bizarre. It’s like “he” should keep being THAT IMAGE.

The handsome, beautiful man I see. The one I adore. The one I delight in listening to, in talking to for hours.

I had no idea I was so set in my mind about what I saw, how I saw it, who else should see it, how it needed to be maintained and seen long-term, and what I expected to see in the future.

Wow.

Left turn.

Pivot, (as they say during pandemics).

Universe showing up for me to learn.

Pandemic thinking, catastrophic thinking, grandiose thinking. A lot of killing going on.

Do I want to fight and crush my own heart into pieces with my disappointment, or broken heart, or diseased visions for the future that could use a little upgrade, or peace?

Or do I want to be open to whatever’s unfolding?

I get to choose.

“Argue with reality, and you lose, but only 100% of the time.” ~ Byron Katie

And so the light continues to turn on, sometimes a strobe light, sometimes way too bright–until my eyes adjust.

Sometimes I wish for a blindfold, or those little delicate sandbags someone placed over my closed eyes once in a spa.

Do I really have to look? Do I have to see how much I dreamed the story to go one certain way, instead of remembering the universe is the one in charge?

Who am I without my nightmare story? Is it even “my” story?

Without this story, I’d be hearing my mother, the grandmother of my changing child, say to me on the phone last night after this child moved in with her; “This is going to be amazing. Their life could be better this way than the way it might have been without this change. This kid is fascinating….it’s going to be amazing, fabulous, wonderful. I am sooooo excited!”

These words from my mother who turned 83 two days ago.

An open mind, an unconditionally loving mind, has nothing to do with age.

Who would I be without my story?

Aware of the incredible support.

Aware of the question arising in me “that’s MY son, “my” child–is that even true?”

Aware of how much I love a future without limits, without definition.

Aware that I can also be thrilled, just like my loving mother who I adore.

I can also be full of wonder, surviving despite all the experiences and stories about pain and suffering, rejection and failure, gender and privilege.

Steady on into questioning my beliefs.

Are they even “my” beliefs?

LOL.

And so….the page-turner continues.

Life is the teacher, the guru.

All of life, everything I meet, every person I encounter.

Without my stories of what should be: son, child, dream, future, health, enlightenment, success, safety, right, money, wrong, even God….

….without “my” stories about any of this….

….something rises inside that’s like a laugh.

A joy.

Nothing serious going on here.

So Year of Inquiry is preparing for a new group of inquirers ready to journey together in The Work for a whole year.

Apparently, doing The Work is of phenomenal benefit for me, personally.

The group is part of my spiritual practice.

I love sharing The Work.

Which makes me extremely happy to know people will be coming on board and helping me stay on the peace train and discover the possibilities for whole new worlds.

The Work, especially with other people, is the one thing I can apparently do with all these wild stories careening around creating fear, agony, stress, anxiety, anger, rage, sadness and heartbreak.

I wouldn’t have the stories go any other way.

(They are rather exciting, no?)

I am so grateful I have four questions I can ask, and turnarounds I can fall into.

Like little mental wake-up slaps when I’m dozing off during a concussion. Er, I mean gentle dawning of the light.

Turned around: My thinking is killing my son, my thinking is killing me, my son is creating and giving birth to someone new.

Human being.

Thinking.

Seeing nightmares.

Human being.

Thinking.

Seeing possibilities, joy, love.

Human being.

Thinking.

Laughing at the thinking.

“Never doubt that a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has.” – Margaret Mead

Our world-changing citizen groups start September 15th, 2020 and we work together through June 17th, 2021…followed by Summer Camp for The Mind which is always included for Year of Inquiry folks.

Our schedule?

Tuesdays 9am Pacific Time (Noon ET/ 6pm Europe or South Africa), and/or,
Thursdays 5pm Pacific Time (8pm ET/ 9am Japan Friday/ 10am Sydney Friday)
Saturdays 8:30am Pacific Time (11:30am ET/ 4:30pm UK)

Having a weekend day is by popular request for those working and busy all the time Monday-Friday.

I don’t mind.

“Mind”–LOL.

Read more about our group, the schedule, and the program right HERE: www.workwithgrace.com

I can’t wait to see what happens next.

That’s the best kind of way to live a life.

Thanks for joining me on the journey.

Much love,
Grace

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You have to do it….is that really true?

I’m in my quiet small living room, a slow hum of a rare fan for blowing in cool air after a hot summer day with clear skies.

I just turned my head up, looked out the big window from my couch, and saw the bright moon.

About 3/4 full.

A white bulb in the dark blue-black sky.

Low sounds of faint cheers are coming from where my husband sits through an open door in another room.

Chicago Bulls from the 1990s again. 

(This is so fascinating and cute to me. I don’t believe I’ve ever watched Chicago Bulls even one time).

The evening is quiet, slow, summer.

Nothing to do, nowhere to go, nowhere to be.

Except.

I might be taking this a little too far.

Because aren’t I supposed to be working on my business daily? Writing? Planning? Organizing? Podcasting?

Getting ready for Year of Inquiry in September, and Eating Peace Immersion in October?

Surely I haven’t done enough today. Not anywhere near enough.

There’s a shed to re-fill with sorted boxes, my car to wash, a table to paint wood sealer on, weeding.

Jeez. That voice.

The Do-er.

What if none of that is necessary at all, unless I just happen to feel like doing it?

This morning a woman in Eating Peace Basics shared that she’s somewhat confused, doesn’t feel half the time like she’s getting it, and felt like bolting or quitting the first few weeks of the class…

…and yet here she was on another call.

Showing up.

Present. With questions, uncertainty, wondering.

We even do this with The Work itself, or any other modality as soon as we start to think it’s “good” for us.

I’ve had this thought about life itself.

We think “I’m not getting it” or “I’m behind!” or “I’m not doing it right” or “I need to do more, surely. Much, much more”.

And as soon as we’re thinking we should do more of this and less of that other thing, the shoulds, shouldn’ts, wants, have to’s, need to’s, musts, won’ts come flying in…

I notice when so much shouting happens, it’s hard to find the quiet in the background, underneath it all.

It’s hard to remember the simple joy and need to rest the mind, pause, look around, breathe deep, listen.

If the world was trying to catch my attention in those DO DO DO moments, that is not exactly a two-way comfortable conversation with reality.

Know what I mean?

We have to do stuff.

Is it true?

Who would we be without this story?

Free to do it or not do it.

Enjoying doing it, or enjoying not doing it.

Sharing a group interested in looking at thought and wondering about Not Thinking and what is here besides the mind….moving on with an hour, an evening, a moment.

Simply being willing. 

Nothing required here.

Not even to be willing, actually.

Woman sitting on summer night in pacific northwest, with moon beaming into window, turning back to computer and typing. Slowly. Not concerned with finishing, and noticing a magnificence of this moment.

Not tired for some weird reason, even though the clock just passed 11pm now.

Nothing happened that was “big”.

There was no cockroach, I didn’t just do The Work in writing, no jolt hit me, no sudden dawn of recognition.

But I noticed I was happy.

Mind says “oh, you can’t really be ‘happy’ right now.

Remember the stuff you need to do? Your child and their worries? The virus? The unfinished shed project? Business updates? The email-sending tech problem?

Remember tomorrow you need to take the computer to the repair store and blah, blah, blah?

For a second, I bet you could do it too.

What if you were just…happy?

If your mind says…oh no. That couldn’t be true.

Why not?

Are you sure that’s true?

Yes…even with all that’s happened or happening.

Even with that.

“The mind is prior to whatever it perceives. It is pure and lucid and completely open to everything: the apparent ugly just as much as the apparently beautiful, rejection as much as acceptance, disaster as much as success…..What flows out of its realization is freedom. ‘No place to stand’ is where it stands; there’s where its delight is.  When inquiry is alive inside you, every thought you think ends with a question mark, not a period. And that is the end of suffering.” ~ Byron Katie

I notice when I don’t “have to” I still might “do”.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Year of Inquiry begins next month. NEW format for the year. Updates coming soon to the website (not there yet though–apparently the updates do not “have to” be done today). Can’t wait to meet those who will travel together sharing The Work and finding who we are without our stories, have-to’s, musts, or suffering….

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Have you had the thought “they hate me!”?

I am loving the fabulous collective of people starting today the journey of the next six weeks doing The Work together on stressful thinking during Summer Camp For The Mind Immersion.

People have shared with me they are working on a relationship ending, racism, compulsive eating, lack of work, worry about the future, feeling rejected.

Oooh, rejection.

Have you ever thought “they hate me!”?

They hate me, this is dangerous, I’m afraid, I need to get away from them, I don’t understand them, they are accusing me, they should accept me instead of reject me.

An inquirer shared she had this thought about far more than only one person in her life.

It seemed to be a theme, a top hit.

I’ve had this thought that someone hates me when they go silent (perhaps especially when they do).

Often in my family of origin, instead of screaming, there was ghosting and cut-off. It seemed the better choice of the two (so much shame in screaming and “losing it”).

But what if no matter how people are reacting, even if they say “I HATE YOU!”….

….we could still question that story?

For the next Peace Talk Podcast Episode, that’s exactly what this inquirer questioned: the belief she was hated in a very specific moment when she received a look of hatred.

Maybe the one looking did not approve, and DID hate….and we can still totally question what we believe that apparent hatred means for us, for them, for the world.

Watch on youtube here, or listen on apple podcasts below.

Apple Podcasts: click HERE.
Or listen on the podcast website HERE.
If you know you could use a little tune up (or a big one) over the next six weeks ahead….and maybe find some creativity and lightness with The Work….then join the great group for summer camp (click the photo).
It’s kinda last minute, but you’re welcome anyway.
Come on board the peace train.

Much love,

Grace

 

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When our work is the suffering of death….especially a beloved’s suicide

When someone we care about dies, there is perhaps nothing so intense.

(I know this isn’t always true).

And yet, as I work with people and within myself, I see the deepest grief, dread of life without them, panic, abandonment, fear and longing all come to the surface when someone close dies.

When the death is by what we call suicide, a choice to move into that death experience deliberately….

….it can bring some unique thoughts.

We believe they should have stayed, should have chosen otherwise, shouldn’t be gone–not this way.

We even imagine other options for death (at least I did) that might have been “easier” somehow.

Strange the mind is.

“It would have been easier if he had died in a car accident”. 

I had this thought about a friend I loved dying by suicide.

That way would have been better for his children, wife, extended family, community, himself.

Can we absolutely, solidly, positively without any doubt know that our thoughts are true?

One thing I can know is true is the courage and grace I witness when someone does The Work of Byron Katie on the death of a loved one.

When the death is by suicide, it is profound.

To be with the voices that scream “shouldn’t, shouldn’t, shouldn’t, no, no, no, not this way, no” takes such immense courage and listening as we sit with the four questions.

The story of death seems bleak, terrifying, unknown, filled with loss, disappointing, maybe even horrifying.

I’ve had the thought “I can’t go on”. 

I’ve had the thought “THEY can’t go on” about or for other people who have experienced death of loved ones by suicide (and other death).

Heart-breaking. 

In the work, we ask this amazing question four:

Who would we be without our beliefs about death; death by suicide, death by other means….death?

Right now, who would we be without our ideas, dreams, imaginings, anticipation, expectations of death?

Who would we be without the story of loss as we remember holding that person in our arms who has since died?

Join me to sit in the beautiful inquiry of a woman new to The Work who had someone she cared about deeply die by suicide.

May this inquiry serve you and all those suffering from unexpected death.

For those who would appreciate the healing of group inquiry over six weeks starting this coming Monday July 20th….this is the one “six week retreat” we do online together.

We call it summer camp, and it’s all virtual using zoom.

You can share, listen-only, soak it in, participate by speaking and doing The Work, or share in writing in our private forum.

You come and go as you need to, and choose the days you’ll attend (you can mark your calendar).

We gather for daily inquiry of 60-75 mins for the whole time (except weekends). Mondays we meet at 9am PT, Tuesdays 5pm PT, Wednesdays at Noon PT, Thursdays 3pm PT, and Fridays at 8am PT.

Read more about camp and sign up here. Pay from the heart contribution of sliding scale or based on what you’ll attend or listen to. (Everything’s recorded).

Much love,

Grace

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So Overwhelmed I can’t start The Work. Peace Talk Podcast Episode 164.

Sometimes when people come to do The Work, they feel totally overwhelmed.
They’ve got a list of what’s not going well in life; disappointment, heart-break, world-going-to-hell-in-a-handbasket, fear, upset.

 

If it’s not reality that’s so difficult, it’s ourselves.

 

We’re too nervous, compulsive, reactive, depressed.

 

When this happens, the mind careens around, bouncing between what it doesn’t like.

 

I quit!! I’m outta here!

 

Hard to even begin inquiring….and yet….the questions are always there to answer.

 

Peace is always here, reality has pauses, there is stopping.

 

Without our thoughts, we notice the peace.

 

In this recorded Peace Talk session, the internet froze the picture of the inquirer, the internet cut out and she had to re-connect, and I might have not shared this….except something about it seemed perfectly imperfect.

 

Everything continued. The words were all easily heard. I noticed a perfect vision was not necessary for inquiry.

 

So we continued, moving with the flow of the mind. We noticed the stories of overwhelm, and the chattering mind, and the experiences this inquirer had (many).
  • this world isn’t safe
  • I don’t get this
  • I don’t understand
  • life is hard–what’s the point
  • I get hurt randomly
  • co-worker is a problem
  • absence of flat stomach is a problem
  • sister’s random hit was a problem
Overwhelmed. It’s ALL wrong.

 

Life is cruel. Life is hard. It has to stop.

 

Is it true?

 

Yes.

 

I don’t even want to be here. I didn’t ask for this life! Why am I here? I wish I wasn’t. 

 

Can I absolutely know it’s true?

 

YES!!!

 

(Sometimes, mind is too overwhelmed to know anything but how true it is–it seems–that this life is wrong and cruel and I need to figure it out).

 

So who would we be without our story when we’re overwhelmed?

 

Watch the inquiry here:

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Summer Camp for The Mind starts July 20th. We meet Monday-Friday at a different time every day (so you can pick and choose what works with your time zone). Sliding scale based on what you think you’ll join. Every session recorded. Read about it here.

 

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I’m against it! Argue with reality and you lose (and it does NOT mean Be Passive)!

As I prepare for Eating Peace Basics 101 course coming up tomorrow June 24th on Wednesdays at 9am PT (info here) I’m struck by noticing in the world with all the unrest and uprising that there’s a fountain of energy bursting upward.

Energy bursting doesn’t mean it’s wrong, or bad, or horrible.
Fountains burst up, the geysers in Yellowstone National Park burst up, and we take photos and are awed by their splendor.

Groups of people burst out and march and stand for what they believe. It’s an energy to respect, whether you’re in the crowd or not. 

I sure respect it. 

Something important is happening. There’s energy rising.
Here it is!!Am I a part of the problem? Can I be an active part of the solution? 

I notice I didn’t treat my compulsions in the same way, with respect and curiosity and self-inquiry….knowing something of importance was underway.

I used to have compulsions with food that were so intense it felt like I could do nothing but go through the whole binge-eating routine when I was inside the compulsion. 

What if that cycle wasn’t wrong?

I know, I know. 

That sounds crazy. 

Who would want to suffer with such an intense energy, and allow it to live and be there, without argument?

Wouldn’t that be passive and neglectful and Not Standing Up For What I Want? Don’t I need to set boundaries or something?

What I love about an “addictive” process, like over-eating, is that it hurts. There’s no denying that. 

It pointed me, kind of forced me basically, to look at my own mind and how I was thinking.

Perhaps that’s exactly what’s happening with uprisings, unrest, civil disorder, a transformation desired. 

Change is longed for. Change is wanted. Change is dreamed of. 

That’s what happens when someone becomes deeply tired or full of suffering about their own behavior. 

At least it was for me. I wanted change. 

It seemed like peace was somewhere other than with me. 

But even when I didn’t feel it, I was built to already know what peace is. 

I wanted it–I knew what it was!

We know when it appears NOT to be peaceful. We know, because we have an inner guidance system towards peace.

We know what peace feels like!

This is helpful to notice.

The thing is, the tricky mind which is so brilliant and quick often says “this is not it” so it makes plans and instructions to shut that WRONG way down with hatred, criticism, rules, rage, suffering or more efforting than ever. 

Fight, fight, fight. 

I am against What Is. Arguing with what is. 

I did that over and over when it came to food and eating, and the episodes continued. 

I tried to ignore them, destroy them, use willpower and violence to break them.

It did not work, ever. 

(It also doesn’t work with other people, or groups of people, I notice). 

It never occurred to me, until I sought help, to wonder what was going on internally that resulted in wild eating or wild thinking?

It certainly never occurred to me to allow it instead of argue with it. 

But that is exactly where to begin.

Not arguing with reality.

Who would we be without our story of looking at something and claiming it is WRONG?!

Aware. Willing. Curious. Ready to learn.

Turning the thought around: I don’t need to fight this difficult predicament, this compulsion, this contentious person. I need to allow it all in. I need to let it be here. My thinking needs to fight this (haha, isn’t it always interested in a good fight)? I need to love this, connect with this, understand this. What if the compulsion cycle is “right”? What if it’s an attempt to “right” something, like a boat that’s been tipped over on the water? 

What if that difficult experience is a reaching for connection and peace, in the absence (or the illusion of the absence) of both?

What if something is believed to be wrong…that is not actually wrong? Could I be missing something, with this thinking and believing mind?

If you’d like to explore the stories specifically that seem to fuel confusion when it comes to eating, food and weight….you may love the journey we’re about to begin tomorrow: Eating Peace Basics 101. 

Question your thinking, and watch the weird eating behaviors, cravings, and off-balance patterns with food dissolve. 

Join me for the inquiry, support and sharing. A great adventure.

Read more about each week and the topics and details here, and sign up to join me if you’re able.

For even more on this topic of inquiry and wild eating, watch my facebook live from yesterday right here.

May you find peace if you’ve felt torture with a journey, a relationship, a compulsion, your own mind. 

Much love, Grace

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The dis-ease of pandemic thinking, pandemic eating…and how to stop

For decades (centuries?) humans have wondered and studied the answer to the question: where does eating stress begin and how do we stop it?
Pan-Demic means literally “pan” which is all-world, every-thing, every-where, across-all-things. “Demic” or dem means people.
All People. Everywhere.
Affected by a disease.
Several weeks ago, I received a list of research done during this pandemic around those suffering from disordered eating, and how much off-balance eating behaviors have spiked. In some, 70% worse than usual. For some, a return of old behavior with eating.
Although pandemic means a disease affecting human bodies in the physical world, it seems thoughts, too, can feel dis-eased and all-encompassing. Thoughts about sickness, isolation, worry, weight, self, the future. They become overwhelming.
Compulsion is especially like that.
It feels like we’ve been enchanted like in a fairy tale, or taken over like a zombie. Like we have no choice but to do our eating thing.
Must eat it. Now. Can’t stop. Chew, chew, chew, gobble. Hunt for next item. Get it while you can. Pretty soon we need to deal with this damage, but for now hurry and eat.
 
The mind is running wildly, careening around like a terrified animal almost, when on a binge.
Graze eating without being able to stop getting up and getting more, with pauses in between, is like a constant underlying anxiety running.
Then, the same mind full of frantic thoughts also starts to attack you.
Why did you just eat that? Can’t you remember the diet? What’s wrong with you, you stupid idiot?
 
The stream of thinking that feels so global and pandemic doesn’t care what the target of its commentary is….it is frantic, furious, terrified, angry, frustrated, stuck and it thinks frantic, furious, terrified, angry, frustrated, stuck thoughts.
More and more and more of them.
Eventually for this eating episode, you’re exhausted and you quit eating and fall into bed, or do your purging behaviors, and vow to yourself to quit this for the thousandth time.
So what is going on with this chaotic eating?
Something seems dreadfully wrong.
But what if what you were doing was trying to make something right?
 
What if a binge episode, or overeating, graze eating, moody eating, lonely eating was you trying to feel better, or prevent feeling worse?
As Byron Katie says; the alcohol, the drug, the ice cream, the buying spree are doing their job.
If we looked with compassion at this job the mind insists on giving these behaviors or substances, we simply see a misdirected, frightened mindset.
The pair of glasses we have on is dark, scratched, distorted, dis-eased. It’s pandemic. It feels like it becomes everything!
We perceive a pandemic–the mind is producing thoughts that all have the color of worry, fret, self-criticism, desperation, hunger, danger.
So what’s going on if my thinking is so freaked out?
Let’s just notice.
I’m out of touch with my body’s fullness or emptiness. Something else seems more important. Who cares about food being fuel!
I’m thinking something happening is a critical matter, and it’s disturbing as hell.
The thing is, the minute I say “this is not good” as I gaze upon the weight of my body, or those other people who might be looking at me, or my emotions, or the dangers of being alive….
….I naturally want to get back to “this IS good”.
Eating feels good. For a few bites at least. So I eat.
Of course, sooooo disappointing when the joy of the first bites fade so quickly.
Byron Katie suggests to see what you were thinking before you thought about eating off-balance, and investigate it, question it.
Could it be simply “I don’t like it! It’s scary!” is the thought before any eating (or compulsion) happens?
Even beginning to wonder about this can lead to fascinating awareness.
“I don’t like it! Urgent! Urgent!
“I have to do something about the thing I don’t like!”
Is it true?
Are you sure?
How do you react when you believe you don’t like it, and you have to do something about this thing you don’t like?
Are you sure you’re clear about what you do and do not like?
(I sure wasn’t–it seemed the food was good, but not really what I wanted. There just wasn’t any peace. I thought I loved to eat, but I also hated it).
Who would you be WITHOUT the belief you don’t like something, and you need to do something about the thing you don’t like?
WHAT?!!
Not do anything about it?
But.
Don’t I have to watch what I eat, follow the diet plan, worry, forecast the future, regret the past, weigh myself to check to see if I’m doing it right or wrong, suffer, use willpower, make myself conform?
I don’t have to do anything?
Hmmm. What an amazing idea. Just notice.
Turning the thought around: I’m OK with it (the thing I thought I hated). 
Could this be just as true?
Am I breathing? Am I still alive? Did I survive it?
Yes.
Turning the thought around again: I don’t like my thinking. Or, only my thinking doesn’t like “it” (anything we’re directing negative attention to). 
The inner me, the center of myself, the “I”, the witness, the life force I’m a part of, the mysterious, God, source….it is already OK with everything. Not against any feeling, person, incident, place, experience.
Mental energy can feel pandemic, encompassing all of what we are, fueling our behavior.
But it is not All of Us. It is not constant (even if it’s appeared very repetitive). It is not everything we are.
There is something here, without thought, beyond thought.
As Van Morrison says “let’s go into the mystery”. 
There, we are beyond compulsion, restriction, over-consumption, worrying, frantic eating, right vs wrong.
Touching base with that….we are free right now.
If you’re interested in the spiritual, spirited, mysterious journey of eating and learning to hold the experience as a messenger instead of an enemy, then we’re starting on Wednesdays this coming week.
June 24-August 12, 2020 9am-10:30am Pacific Time.
Read more about the Eating Peace Basics course and sign up here.
Let’s access the pan-demic of peace and turn our compulsions around.
If you want to calmly, gently, lovingly relax into peace with eating, food and body weight, it all begins in the mind and heart.
Not against it, but open to it. Welcoming it. In favor of it. Allowing it. Approving of it.
“If you act from fear, there’s no way you can receive love, because you’re trapped in a thought about what you have to do for love….but once you question your thoughts, you discover that you don’t have to do anything for love. It was all an innocent misunderstanding.” ~ Byron Katie in I Need Your Love, Is That True?
How do we stop stress eating? Question our thinking. Open to rest, instead of fear. Notice the peace here, now.
It may not be as “hard” as you think.
Much love,
Grace
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Two stories to question to solidly begin the healing journey to eating peace

Often when people come to do The Work on eating issues or weight troubles, they say they aren’t sure what they’re thinking or believing….so it’s too hard to do The Work.
The first step in doing The Work of Byron Katie, after all, is identifying what you’re thinking, so that you can question it.
They have some wisdom in this noticing.
It seems like all there is, is a swirl of emotion, agony, failure and guilt for having this weird off-balance wild eating thing that goes on.
There’s planning on how to control it (diets) and enduring self-hatred, anger, even rage, and despair.
The feelings are so big, even just in thinking or telling the story of eating, weight gain, weight loss, struggles with certain foods….it can feel like a nightmare.
What the heck is going on here?
Well…it seems complicated. 
So many experts have multitudes of philosophies about what’s necessary to heal this predicament of over-eating or under-eating or terrorizing ourselves with food or our belief that we have imperfect bodies.
I’ve noticed two stories, that really relate to this statement that people make over and over; “I don’t know what I’m thinking, I just feel terrible”. (I don’t know what I’m thinking, I just know I want to eat, eat, eat….and then I feel horrible about myself). 
Here’s what these stories are.
See if you ever think they’re true, or not:
1) This eating/compulsion issue is not a problem in the mind, it’s about food, eating and the body and getting these ‘right’. 
 
2) This eating/compulsion issue is about problems with difficult emotions; if I didn’t react so big, I wouldn’t eat.
 
The thing about these two stories is they have some truth in them…but the mind starts problem-solving and drawing conclusions on how to work with these stories in stressful ways, that require diets, control, willpower, and lots of planning and forecasting.
I don’t know about you, but the last thing I needed when it came to eating was more planning, controlling, dieting, manipulating and managing food and eating or my feelings or trying to make my feelings smaller.
What I desperately wanted and had a vision for, was to feel like I did when I was a little kid: carefree about eating.
I know, I know.
Some of you can’t remember ever feeling carefree about food and eating. But when you were born, I think you were born with all the raw material needed for balance with food.
But no wonder we feel so bad, and we’re not even sure what we’re thinking and believing!
It’s a tangle in there!
The first story, that this problem resides within the body and within eating behavior or food itself and not the mind….well, that’s maybe partially accurate.
But what happens with the awareness of this story?
The mind stamps the culprit as “guilty”!
The blame lies in the behavior, the food, the body.
So let’s punish, control, structure and give rules for what’s Allowed and Not Allowed to the human so they know how to behave. We’ll fix this problem!
That can work if the rules are followed. Sort of.
Except. The rules aren’t followed sometimes (or maybe a lot of the time).
Plus, what if you want to live freely without dictatorship?
What if want to learn how to naturally reside in peace and kindness with food, eating and the body?
What if you want the attitude you carry to be genuinely joyful and guilt-free when it comes to eating….and wake up to a new way of life in relation to having a body (one that needs to eat in order to live)?
What I learned about my own crazed eating was that it was in my mind that things went crazy first.
I began to think very stressful thoughts about acceptance, rejection, perfection, anger, right bodies, wrong bodies, weight, trauma, worry, control and fear.
I began to observe other peoples’ terror of fatness, and scare myself with the same belief.
I didn’t realize that if I questioned my entire paradigm around dangerous foods, “bad” eating behavior, urges and cravings, and the need for the best body ever….I might have settled down and stopped feeling so frantic about food.
If I had been able to know that my trouble was in my perspective about eating, my interpretation with what I saw, I would have focused much more on my mind than on the scale or the latest diet. Or the next binge.
The second story also has an element of truth, but is again a bit tricky.
2) This eating/compulsion issue is about problems with difficult emotions; if I didn’t react so big, I wouldn’t eat.
 
Well, sure.

 

Big emotions of depression, fear, irritation, sadness or loneliness often feel like they need soothing.

 

If your mind and thoughts are like mine, then you’ll notice when big feelings come it seems dangerous.

 

We have to shut those things down, we think.

 

What better way to do this, than to eat or do some other kind of addictive or compulsive activity?

 

Eat. Big emergency feeling is over.
 
We’ve all heard of the term “emotional eating”. If you’ve done it before, you feel upset, and after a little while (or immediately), the idea of eating sweet, soothing, salty or tasty things sounds fantastic.

 

So the mind then concludes that if only we could get at what made you so emotional and understand it, or make it so these emotions don’t erupt in the first place….then you’ll stop eating because of emotions.

 

Again, the underlying premise of this story is emotions are the thing to blame, the guilty party.

 

So let’s shove them down, eliminate them.

 

We’re back to willpower, management, control, restricting feelings, holding back, forcing, following the rules.

 

Kinda like diets, only towards “feelings” instead.

 

Of course we don’t know what we’re really thinking, we just feel confused and terrible.

 

And keep on eating.

 

For me, this healing work when it comes to eating is about identifying beliefs that are the very foundations we stand on and believe about life…and questioning them.

 

Good news: It’s not as difficult to identify the thoughts and beliefs as you think.

 

The first step is to look at this war-torn land of destructive behavior about eating, food, body and weight and don’t try to DO something immediately, which is what we’ve always done.

 

Instead, let’s ask “I wonder what I must be thinking and believing that would be the trigger for this behavior?”

 

Even this answer may not be as complicated as you think.

 

Does this mean to never structure your food or plan on what you’ll be eating tomorrow?

 

No. Some people really need this as a deeply supportive way to help them stop freaking out about food right now.

 

In the upcoming Eating Peace Basics Live Zoom Course, we’ll be talking about thoughts, feelings and the food itself.

 

Each week, I will share one story (we’ll start with the first two I’ve shared here today) and work with the beliefs that support all these particular stories of agony with eating.

 

This work is about healing eating issues from the inside out.

 

There is no magic pill. But there may be far more magic than you realize…if magic is greater lightness, joy and peace when it comes to eating.

 

Some struggle for so long with eating, they think it’s impossible to end their battle.

 

I believe that for anyone willing to look at thought systems and to question them, it’s possible to change the way you live with food.

 

Eating Peace Basics 101 Online Live Course will run June 24th – August 12th with live Wednesday calls (all recorded) from 9am-10:30am Pacific Time (or start time of Noon ET or 6pm Europe).
In this course I’ll share 8 key foundational stories–one every week–that are key to investigating so we can dissolve the eating wars we’ve been fighting.
To identify our thinking inside these common stories, and then question the beliefs running for us, makes peace possible.
It has for me. I eat whatever and whenever I want without fear, and my weight seems to stay the same, for many years now.
I once ate like I was taken over by an evil force, or a zombie, with huge desperate binges, forced vomiting, torturous exercising by running for miles, and self-hatred.
This no longer occurs to me.
It’s my joy to facilitate freedom from that kind of inner pain with you or anyone suffering from eating wars.
Read more about the Eating Peace Basics course here.
To hear me share more about these first two stories that are helpful to question in the overall healing journey with eating, watch below.

Much love,
Grace