Grace – Page 4 – The Work of Byron Katie with Grace

May 28, 2020

She poisoned our friendship

Speaking of mental detoxifying. The definition of the word “toxic”, from the original latin meaning, is “poisoned”.

In our modern day language we say “that’s a toxic relationship” or “this is a toxic food” or “she has a toxic personality”.

Poisoned.

Quite dramatic, right?

And yet I could find in my mind a person I would call “toxic” from my history.

Can you find someone who you’d inwardly refer to as toxic?

You know the one. Picture them now.

I can see it, even though the memory is many years old.

She betrayed me, back-stabbed me, hurt me. A friend who did a weird thing that wound up involving legal issues.

She anonymously reported me to the state government offices which oversee my counseling credential complaining that I didn’t have a master’s degree, that I wasn’t being supervised, and that because I offered retreats at Breitenbush Hotsprings, I was counseling people in the nude.

I still shake my head in disbelief, although I’ve done The Work on it.

I feel like such a modest person. Never would I conduct a counseling session naked. LOL.

Notice the defense arising. The urge to explain what kind of person I am, what a strange accusation it was that surely does not fit.

What happened there? Such a misunderstanding! How could she accuse me of this?

She poisoned our friendship!

Is it true?

Can I absolutely know that it’s true?

YES!

Well. Deep breath. Pause. Answer the question.

I’m not absolutely sure.

We had a wonderful friendship, before she learned about my new retreat-teaching at Breitenbush.

Who made the change? Who brought something forth that was uncomfortable, or new, or….toxic, apparently?

That was me.

I was the one who started presenting retreats at Breitenbush where they have clothing-optional soaking tubs to use on down-time or in between workshop sessions.

How do I react when I believe she poisoned our friendship?

Angry. Sad. Heart-broken. Confused.

I scan the past for clues about how she could have done this to me. I feel like a victim. Shocked.

So who would I be without this dreadful story of toxic poisoning coming from “out there” at me, through my friend?

Noticing how safe I was the whole time. How much I learned about the law and complaints and the legal matters–more than I ever imagined. Noticing how comfortable I feel with the state and government, and how grateful I feel for my degree (yes, that I earned) and my clarity about the law now.

Here’s the funny thing: I had never been sure about what I was supposed to be doing when it came to being supervised or having a consult group as a “certified counselor”, and I found out I wasn’t supposed to be supervised at all–in fact, I was eligible to take a program of accreditation if I wanted to BE a supervisor myself.

I was eligible as a graduate level counselor to offer CEUs to mental health professionals. I would have never known this, if it weren’t for my friend.

So surprised!

Turning the thought around: I poisoned my own friendliness with myself. My thinking poisoned my friendship with this other person. She did NOT poison our friendship.

All she did was make a report, then vanished without speaking to me ever again.

You could say I was spared, but I mean that in the most kind way.

She was soft, non-violent, slipped away silently without confrontation, and the process left me more knowledgeable about ethics in my state than I ever paid attention to before.

My confidence grew 100 times bigger in a good way. I wasn’t so afraid of the authority of the state overseeing department. They felt like real people. I understood that steps are in place if people get frightened or worried about mental health practices.

But oh, my, the poisoned feeling of fear in my mind and heart after I discovered who it was who had reported me.

I was so frightened and shocked that when I opened a letter from the State two whole years later, my heart skipped a beat–that little drive of adrenaline flashed through (it was a normal form letter to renew my license).

My fear and terror would flare up–I’d have a seizure, as Byron Katie sometimes jokes–and pour some toxic energy into my system through images I’d see of the past of being betrayed by a friend, cut off, abandoned.

I see I created it all.

I don’t know exactly what was happening over there with my friend, but I do know we’re cut from the same cloth–because I’m not all that comfortable with naked hot tubs myself.

For me, it was strange, and uncommon, to see naked bodies of all shapes and sizes when I passed closely near the clothing-optional tub area.

Perhaps my mind needed a little openness, a little “clean up”.

In fact, a clean up is just what I got.

My entire career path was cleaned up–I began doing only The Work of Byron Katie with clients, a sense of stability grew within, a trust that what I was doing felt good and sweet and ever-evolving.

Why, now that I think about it, that whole thing that went down was an internal clean up of a toxic dump site in my mind.

Thank you, that friend, for helping me detox my thinking.

Become the sky.

Take an axe to the prison wall.

Escape.

Walk out like someone suddenly born into color.

Do it now.

~Jalaluddin Rumi

The joys of doing The Work.

Much love,

Grace

May 27, 2020

Those mean, judgmental people on the internet who left nasty comments

Almost last call for online retreat with me and Tom Compton, co-facilitators of The Work of Byron Katie.

To read about the schedule, visit here. It helps if you let us know by Saturday so we can be prepared for you. Deadline to join is Sunday night at 9pm Pacific Time.

So here’s an interesting predicament about this retreat.

In these weird times of the closures and the uncertainty with in-person events, we didn’t even know to move it to an online thing until about 2 weeks ago (maybe 3)?

Tom and I quickly sorted out a schedule that worked, we updated the Institute for The Work listing, we blocked our calendars, and I set up the zoom event and registration page.

I created an event for it on facebook and shared it.

Easy.

Then…a comment appeared below the facebook post of the event.

“I love The Work….but I’m not sure about the hair….I just really don’t know.”

I was pretty sure the commenter was referring to Tom’s long grey tousle of California surfer hair.

The event has a head shot of him on the left, then my head shot on the right. You might have seen it here on a previous Grace Note.

Then someone else commented, “Try taking a bath!”

Wow. Weird. Kind of insulting.

All this about the hair, I wondered?

Maybe Tom’s uncut look to someone who doesn’t know him means, to them at least, that he’s unkempt, un-groomed, unwashed, or something?

Huh. Interesting.

These comments are NOT the kind I imagined.

Their focus is on the photo, not the content of the upcoming retreat.

I mean, what’s wrong with people?

Who is seeing this event, anyway, online, who is not an appropriate match for someone who’d want to attend the retreat? Why are they commenting?

Then yet another comment, with a sarcastic tone: “Is this a before and after photo? Wow, this work must be magic.”

Wow.

I guess that reference was to the two different head shot photos.

Haha, very funny. (That’s me now being sarcastic).

Not really sure what to think of it all, but guess what?

I realized it was time for a little “work”.

You want to follow along with me?

Have you ever had someone judge you or someone close to you negatively based on your appearance, or a photo?

My thoughts:

They have it wrong. They don’t understand. They’re being superficial. They’re mean.

Is it true?

Yes. Oh yes, yes, yes.

They have no idea what they are missing….(defense appears). They are jumping to erroneous conclusions (more defense). They are mistaken. (Um, yah. More defense).

But is it absolutely true they have it wrong, they’ve misunderstood, they’re being superficial, they’re mean?

No.

I don’t know them.

All I am seeing is typing on facebook. It’s not even a person. It’s just a communication, an idea.

I notice judgments and curiosity running inside this mind here all the time (pointing at my own head).

It’s happening, actually, while I read these comments about hair.

What happens, how do you react, when you believe someone has been quick to judge, is mean, is superficial?

Startled. A little surprised.

Thinking it *shouldn’t* be this way.

Who would I be without the belief, in the same situation, looking at words on a facebook comment: who or what would I be in this moment without my story?

Very entertained. Chuckling.

Also taking in that the hair is indeed unusual by comparison. Instead of defense, I get to notice 3 different apparent people had something to say about it. Not one, not two, but three.

It’s like if someone said “your fly is down” and you just said “Oh! Thanks!” and zipped it up.

What’s the reality? We all saw the fly down.

There’s a head of long hair, on a man when men often tend to cut their hair short. Maybe.

Nothing personal, just information coming through.

Noticing this is what minds do. They see things, and decide things and make jokes about things and share their thoughts about things.

I suddenly remember my husband reporting this past year that when a new student came half way through the year, a little boy named Roy….he had long hair. Unusual perhaps for a 4 year old. All the kids called him “she”.

So even 4 year olds are calling a peer “she” if they have long hair. It’s not right or wrong, but there are expectations.

Without my story, I wonder “How fascinating! I wonder what THIS is for?!”

Curiosity rises up.

Turning the thought around:

I have it wrong. I don’t understand. I’m being superficial. I’m mean.

Yes. How many times in my life have I judged myself and said like I’m talking to myself with a Mean Girl voice: you have it wrong, you don’t understand anything, you’re so superficial that you care about your own appearance–especially your weight–you’re so mean.

Super, hyper critical. As if that helped me change. (Not).

I also definitely had a wave of wondering who would take the time to comment about hair styles on a Work of Byron Katie facebook event. I totally raise my hand in noticing I thought they were weirdos, people without a clue.

Which I do not know.

(Maybe I’m the clueless one, not remembering that even 4 year olds already see the world of hair and make conclusions).

Turning the thought around again to the opposite: They have it right. They do understand. They’re NOT being superficial. They’re kind.

WOWSERS!!!

I can find examples immediately.

They were kind enough to be clear and honest.

They shared quickly to the point and made me realize when someone has an unconventional appearance, it might make others a little nervous and uncertain, wondering what it means.

I never even thought about it. I appreciated the wildness of Tom’s hair from the very start, ever since he let it grow a few years ago.

He shared with me he stopped cutting it just after his wife died of cancer.

He also told me that experience of the journey of cancer was one of the most powerful, immense experiences of learning what Unconditional Love is that he could ever have imagined.

How incredible.

More examples of how those commenters on facebook are kind, understanding, honest: They’re looking at images of people they don’t know and have never met, so of course they’re being superficial–in a good way. They understand they see something unusual, they aren’t blind. They went above and beyond the call of duty by actually mentioning their impressions.

They have it right.

Who am I without my story?

Somehow filled with appreciation and joy in this moment for the way life directs people (and me) to go where they need to go in a simple, easy way…and not go where it might be hard or weird or unwelcome.

Getting ready to share retreat time with friends, with people who want to question their thinking with facilitators who have been at it for a very, very long time.

Tom read Rumi out loud from the front of the room at my first school for The Work in March 2005 when his hair was short and brown and curly, and his wife was still alive.

So here we are, whomever “Tom” and “Grace” are, preparing for the adventure of five days doing The Work, to sink into the deep waters of being, feeling, wondering who we all are without our stressful stories….

I know the people who appear will be the perfect people.

We’ll be ready to consider painful stories we’ve experienced in life: judgment, rejection, loss, cancer, death, fear, relationship trauma or drama, irritation, compulsion, worry, money woes, career angst.

We collect together as a sweet group of humans to narrow down the situations that cause us pain mentally and emotionally, and we dive into our work in the magnificent presence of community.

Shame falls away, isolation melts, and new understanding is possible.

That’s what I find every time.

I know it will be good.

Only two weeks ago, when I facilitated my spring retreat (the first time I ever did a retreat on zoom) the sharing and exercises were absolutely wonderful.

Better than I ever thought.

“Reality is kinder than our thoughts about it.” ~ Byron Katie

If you have questions or concerns, please don’t hesitate to ask me by hitting “reply” or we can also talk on zoom or the phone. Nothing required here, only a willing mind (and a computer or wi-fi connection, apparently). You can dial in with your phone, though, if that’s your favorite way.

Sliding scale registration. Please choose what works for you, we know some of you are out of work at the moment.

But I don’t wanna do The Work! It’s sooooo boring!

A new Peace Talk podcast episode 161 is released, where I do The Work with another awesome person willing to show up and question their thoughts.

The story she questioned?

The belief that she lost everything. Wow. Brave.

Listen on apple podcasts HERE.

Or watch us on video here:

I lost everything (eyesight, health, joie de vivre….)

I never stop being inspired by everyone’s work. I mean everyone.

But.

A few weeks ago a participant in Year of Inquiry shared that she had been kinda tired of it all and taking a break.

From The Work.

Gasp!

LOL.

I’m laughing with her, not at her.

Because this is NOT an unfamiliar thought that’s entered my mind. And many others’ minds as well.

Yes, seriously.

I’ve heard it a ton, in my own head and from others’ sharing it with me. Just because we’re doing The Work doesn’t mean we don’t complain about it, or say things like “I won’t do it…give me netflix! I haven’t written a worksheet in weeks!”

I get surprised, in fact, that people continue to come over and over to show up, answer the same four questions, and wonder about their minds. 🙂

But they do. And shockingly, so do I.

I hear the voice say things like “Ugh. Whatever. Isn’t there an easier way than these repetitive four questions? I mean, Jeezus. Really?”

Or the voice sounds like two people having a conversation:

Voice-In-The-Mind A: “You know, remember that thing called The Work? Four questions? If you did The Work on that disturbance, you might discover something.”

Voice-In-The-Mind B: “Aw, give it a rest. Can’t I just watch a stand-up comedy routine on my computer in peace?!”

The thing is….there might be waiting to do The Work, or having a hissy fit while getting out the pen and paper….

….There might be trying other options or listening to podcasts….

….but in the end the simplest, shortest, least costly way to understanding when I’m confused or upset and not sure what else to do, is The Work.

Yesterday, the first day of Spring Retreat occurred online.

From brand new beginners to The Work, to very experienced facilitators and people who have been to multiple schools and events with Byron Katie.

All sixteen of us assembled together on zoom, our painful worksheets and situations in mind.

It’s truly astonishing what people are willing to turn towards, sit with, share, and question. How real, vulnerable and honest people can be. Knowing there is no right way or wrong way, just noticing what the mind is doing as it receives questions, and answers them.

It’s totally inspiring.

What I love noticing is that despite complaining, even about doing The Work….despite trying to avoid the conflicts, fears and agonies we imagine….despite over-eating or trying to escape through other mechanisms or fantasies…despite feeling furious or enraged at Those People who betrayed us or who have had power over us….

….people show up, willing to share what they’re believing that hurts, and willing to question their stories.

I am inspired and re-inspired every time.

I actually think “Wow, how fascinating this person is! So smart! So open! So raw! So honest!”

So if you’ve had the belief cross your mind that The Work is too simple, or too boring, or too weird, or too much work, or too repetitive, or too hard….sometimes just getting with one other person or a small group of kind listeners can make a huge difference.

It certainly does for me.

Much love,

Grace

P.S. Another online retreat is coming: June 2-June 7. This one has a different schedule than the one underway and one of my fav co-facilitators is joining me: Tom Compton.

For more information about online retreat with Tom C and Grace B visit here.

April 29, 2020

First Friday! May Day May Day! (+ new sliding scale and schedule for spring retreat online)

First Friday is TOMORROW! It’s May Day!

Traditionally in many countries through Europe, May Day is the fire festival, the bursting forth of spring.

My mom used to dance around the May Pole every year on May Day with her college. She still does, actually.

We’re half way between spring and summer, and life is flowing and expressing all around.

May Day is certainly a fine day to inquire into stressful thoughts, because I think of inquiry as a kind of fire….burning up old stories.

In a May Day kind of way, this burning would happen with ease, celebration, fires out in the fields.

Not necessarily roaring wild fires striking terror into the inquirer, but much gentler.

All we’re doing is answering four questions and exploring a stressful story, one by one.

If you’d like to come stand by the fire and warm yourself, then you are entirely welcome.

This is a free monthly event.

You can attend by listening only, camera on or off, microphone on or off OR if you’re ready….doing The Work in the hot seat (after all, it is a gentle glowing fire).

Join me on zoom at 7:45am Pacific Time.

First Friday is recorded and shared on my youtube channel in service to others.

Join Zoom Meeting

https://us02web.zoom.us/j/988954937

Meeting ID: 988 954 937

Phone:

+1-253-215-8782 (Tacoma)

+1-408-638-0968 (San Jose)

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Speaking of joining together in Inquiry, I’m getting more and more excited about May retreat online, and there are a few changes (don’t worry–for those of you already registered, what I’m changing does not affect you).

Change? What?! How can that be? (Gasp).

We’re all getting quite used to changes these days, or perhaps by now, we’re getting used to lack of changes.

LOL.

Here’s what we’re going to try now for May Retreat, based on requests and meditating on what feels most helpful for all.

(The plan is super fun combination of inquiry, connection with others and movement/silence. I’d do it even if I was the only one attending).

May Retreat goes like this:

Weds, May 13th Orientation (you choose 11am PT or 5:30pm PT) This is the one segment that’s recorded.
Thurs, May 14th 9am-12:30pm PT/ Noon-3:30pm ET/ 6-9:30pm Europe
Friday, May 15th 9am-12:30pm PT/ Noon-3:30pm ET/ 6-9:30pm Europe
Saturday, May 16th no formal group but optional OFFICE HOURS to support you with Grace 8-9am PT/ 11am-Noon ET/ 5-6pm Europe (plus a surprise of online dancing)
Sunday, May 17th 9am-12:30pm PT/ Noon-3:30pm ET/ 6-9:30pm Europe

If you can’t attend it all, you are welcome to come to either Thursday only, or Thursday and Friday together.

And there’s MORE to Spring Retreat than our zoom sessions together!

Here’s how the time will flow:

We’ll meet for our 3.5 hour session each day (with a natural 15-20 minute stretch break in the middle) on zoom.

After our immersion for a half-day, depending on your time zone, you’ll have space for a nourishing meal, a rest, or a cup of tea before bed.

After our group session together, you’ll be invited to do an exercise called The Morning Walk which is a daily practice at The School for The Work.

I’ll send you the exercise, and you’ll listen and do your walk any time between our sessions. You pick when it’s right for you to complete the exercise.

It might be sometime within a few hours after we’ve met as a group, or the next morning on the following day for you. Your walk can be 20 minutes or 90, you choose.

Morning Walk is a beautiful, powerful exercise. It’s walking meditation and allows us to notice what’s present.

Everyone participating in the whole retreat will get paired with a partner (optional) to facilitate each other in the process in between sessions.

Even if you’re brand new, this is one of the best ways to dive deeper into your work, connecting with another person. (I’ll be sure to share with newcomers how to walk through the process).

You’ll make arrangements to meet your partner any time before our next session, whether afternoon, evening or morning hours in your time zone (care will be taken to pair people in the same time zones). You’ll meet for 90 minutes.

We’ll follow this schedule for Thursday and Friday; joining together on zoom, doing The Work, doing our morning walks on our own, pairing with another person, eating good meals, and noticing.

Saturday, May 16th, there will be no formal group session.

Instead, I’ll have office hours for anyone at all from 8am-9am Pacific Time/ 11am-Noon ET/ 4-5 pm UK.

Come ask about your work and any help you need in the process.

And here’s an unexpected surprise for anyone–not just those attending retreat–that won’t appeal to some of you, but to others, what a treat:

Saturday 10:15am-Noon Pacific Time everyone is invited to do moving meditation/dance on zoom online–yes, I know it sounds weird to go to a dance online (it is to be honest), but I’ve been doing this already with my husband Jon every week since the corona-covid thing and 35-65 people have joined us each week from all over the world.

We call it FreeForm Dance Dance and it was originally inspired by the freedom of dancing at the School for The Work, which reminded me of dancing in my living room with my sisters growing up.

I had almost forgotten how fun that was. So we made a dance for the experience of joyous spontaneous movement.

We make a special very eclectic set list with all kinds of music and the dance is on and always different. Dance in your own living room. Dance your living turnarounds!

(Dance dance is open to anyone, not just retreat participants. You can always find out more here.)

So for Spring Retreat, let’s do The Work and get some inner spring deep cleaning underway.

Come to the first, the first-and-second, or attend all three days. If you can only attend one, it needs to be Thursday so we all start together and form a private circle. If you come to two, then you’ll attend Thursday and Friday only.

This way those who need to drop off from attending the whole event can drop away, but we won’t have new arrivals who need to catch up or feel confused about where we are.

I’ll be inviting those who sign up to clear your calendars of multiple other tasks, to allow yourself to take a break from the to-do list, and to use this time to care for your own soul in this work.

If you’re like me, it’s oddly difficult to sit still and be when the world is noisy and full of information, viruses, family time, and the never-ending self-improvement or home-improvement projects.

Spring Online Retreat enrollment here. Another thing I’ve changed, is the payment process. Now, it’s pay-from-the-heart sliding scale.

It just seemed like that would work better in these bizarre times–and maybe even all the time since life it like that.

Sometimes we have it, sometimes we don’t.

Once you get to the payment page, you’ll see an explanation of how to contribute the amount you’re able and willing to right now.

Recommended suggested amount is $60 for the first half-day session, $120 for the first two days, or $180 for the whole retreat.

Please feel free to give more if you feel drawn to help support (including helping others who can’t contribute much), or less if you’re not able to at the moment.

You’ll enter the amount of dollars you can pay in the “quantity” section of the payment page, which will then match the total dollars.

Write and let me know the days you’ll be attending if you aren’t coming to the whole thing.

Together, perhaps, we can drop our needs to do, or push against What Is….and share some precious time together in the Great Undoing of stressful thinking.

Can’t wait.

Much love,

Grace

April 22, 2020

My child shouldn’t be this way (+ spring and summer inquiry gatherings)

Before inquiry, two things.

First, spring retreat has a nice little group of people ready to work together online May 14-17. You can sign up for parts, or all, of the retreat. Six segments in total. Come to one or all. Everyone will get the chance to do their own work in the supportive climate of being with others.

To look up spring retreat schedule and understand more about the daily program during May retreat, visit this page HERE.

Second, I heard from the program director at Breitenbush. The June 2-7 Breitenbush Hotsprings Resort Retreat in Oregon that I’m co-facilitating with the good Tom Compton is (hooray) on the schedule for in-person retreat, inquiry and rest. Breitenbush is re-opening for business on May 8th. They’ll have plenty of time to prepare for us.

We already have a good sized group registered….but because it’s been so weird, I wasn’t sure what to say, do, or announce in advance on this one, you know? How bizarre.

Because of the strange uncertainty, we’re extending our early bird sign-up to May 7th and letting you know right now “Wow! This is probably happening!”

This may be the first time some of us leave the house since the covid descended. That will be true for me, most likely. Here where I live in the state next door to where Breitenbush is located, Washington state, they’ve just announced we’re moving out of lockdown on May 18th.

The good news is, full refunds will be given with no hidden fees of any kind if there is any cancellation or extension of the current facility closure to protect from the virus.

NOTE: We may have a separate online version of the retreat if anything happens with the covid thing and we’re not meeting in person. ALSO, we’ll be teaching in early December 3-6, 2020 again at Breitenbush and that retreat is already taking reservations. Basically, any changes, there will be no penalty, and you can even switch your participation to the December event instead.

Come one, come all, for an amazing adventure of this in-person retreat where Tom and I co-pilot a deep dive into self-inquiry with The Work.

I’m looking forward to the deep breath of pristine, clean, glorious air at Breitenbush….and knowing ultimately it will happen when reality decides.

I’m planning on being there June 2nd.

If you’re drawn to participate, we hope knowing the full refund offered if it’s cancelled will make you feel comfortable calling Breitenbush now and signing up to get a good spot for lodging.

Reality will show us the way of the future. Exciting!

To read more about the retreat, visit here. It is best to call Breitenbush at 503-854-3320 to choose your lodging and confirm your stay. They’ll help you get your questions answered.

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So. I’ve heard from many people in this time of togetherness all-the-time for quite a few folks that some of their family members are driving them bonkers.

Another friend shared with me the domestic violence cases have risen fairly dramatically.

Yikes.

Lots of time together in each other’s space without lots of distance can make whatever was there already bloom a bit.

Or OK, explode.

If you’ve had the belief “they should be different!!!” you’ll know what I mean.

In the past few months, I’ve learned some things from one of my young adult children that was totally unexpected.

This child of mine, no longer a child because age 25 is an adult, wants to be called by pronouns they/them.

I had heard of this, been aware of the transgender movement, known young people going by they/them who were friends of my kids.

But once it was up front and close, it felt so personal.

Such odd thoughts came to mind, they seemed so dramatic. I surprised myself in my own reactions.

this is tragic
my child is destroying their future
I can’t do it
it’s so sad
I didn’t do a good job as a parent instilling confidence in what you’re born with
my child won’t get a job
why would anyone do this?

Sigh.

It felt almost heart-breaking to hear all these thoughts and have all the images of the future, and sadness for the “easier” past.

What did I know to do, when I woke up in the middle of the night thinking “OMG! I have to write a letter immediately!!”

Then I knew….it’s not a letter I ‘have to’ write….as if my words sent to my child will change their mind forever and make it all go away.

[Thanks for explaining it all to me, mom, you’ve nailed it, filled in the blanks, told me the truth, and now I am no longer depressed or upset–LOL].

No, not a letter.

A worksheet.

Always start with a worksheet.

I am upset with my child because…..

Is it true?

Can I absolutely know this being is ruining his/her/their life? Making it harder?

Can I know it’s really “sad”?

Who would I be without my story?

Wow.

Can I actually turn this around and sit with the idea and awareness that this is revolutionary in a brilliant way?

Yes, I could.

Without my story of this as a tragedy, I see my child is alive, contemplative, seeking, reporting having a bit of an existential crisis, concerned about humanity, gender roles, sexism, violence and the earth getting destroyed.

The person they’re becoming is unexpected, fascinating, and very thoughtful. Fluid.

If this is FOR me rather than AGAINST me….I noticed it has little to do with me.

I remember well my own life at 25. Crushing depression, also angry at gender and other societal expectations and roles. Going through a horrible eating disorder (thinking disorder).

Learning. Getting pushed into realization, despite or because of my extreme thinking.

Turning my story around:

this is incredible
my child is creating their future
I can do it
it’s so exciting
I didn’t do a good job parenting myself by instilling confidence in what I was born with–especially at age 25!
my child has a job–to be free in this world
Why would I do this (think of this situation as horrible)?

It only took about 48 hours and then returning to some new stressful thoughts to find peace, and even….joy and extreme curiosity (and there still may be more thoughts, and that’s OK).

My thinking should be different, not my child. My child should be exactly the way they are.

This being is “my” child.

Who would I be without this story?

Much love,

Grace

P.S. It really will be fun to see you and look at our very painful frightening thinking…like the kind that kept me up at night…either online in May, or in person in June. Who knows what fun horizons we can head into. The Great Unknown.

Spring Online Retreat info here.

June Breitenbush Retreat info here.

April 18, 2020

I shouldn’t eat that….how to find the place beyond painful set-ups about food

I’ve heard from a remarkable number of people in this time of the virus.

At home, strange schedule, near the fridge or the pantry.

Eating. Eating some more.

You are not alone if this is your experience. And, there is a way to heal and end that impulse.

I’m working on a quick free workshop online for those of us with consuming issues. It will be for people in the private facebook group HERE.

The facebook group is free, and a place where we kindly share around how to relax from the root cause–beliefs in the mind–about food, eating, emotions and body image.

I think of the whole world of THOUGHT about eating, body image, exercising, over-examining diet, constant return to eating off-balance….like a religion or a university of eating that’s gone completely off the rails with false stories and beliefs.

Yikes. Lots of rules and regulations, stress, requirements, impossible goals and expectations. You can’t seem to graduate successfully either.

One Bible of Beliefs about food and eating is The Book of Shoulds and Shouldn’ts.

We should do this, and not do that. Eat this, not that. Eat this way, not that way. Eat at this time, not that time. Look this way, not that way.

All while maintaining sanity. So in other words, we even believe we should think certain ways, and feel certain ways.

It’s exhausting, and very difficult to maintain the rigor needed to keep all the “shoulds” together.

The way I found freedom from constant obsessing and failing with food, was to question the “shoulds” that I had since I was a pre-teen.

One of the key ways to work with a “should” that’s screaming in your head, is to first, pause and relax just a moment. Take a deep breath right now. I love how taking in air is incredibly relaxing and regulates the nervous system.

Then, instead of gathering energy or making plans with how you are going to make sure you’re successful at the should or shouldn’t rules about eating….instead…wonder WHY you have the rule?

For example, the simple thought “I shouldn’t eat that”.

Instead of aggressively making plans for how you’re not going to eat it….let’s study the belief and see if it’s true.

Why not?

WHY should you not eat that particular thing?

Our answers often boil down to this one: because I need to lose weight.

But there’s also this one: because I’m not hungry.

To wonder with compassion about why you have a thought about eating when not hungry, or why it is so incredibly important to get thin, is really interesting.

Are you absolutely sure you are not hungry? Are you absolutely sure you need to lose weight?

There may be a hunger (that isn’t necessarily about your stomach) you’re not allowing yourself to notice, and an ideal you’re trying to achieve that is not possible to achieve peacefully.

It’s a whole world of investigation that’s entirely worth the trip, watching a combative and relentless false belief-system have it’s way with you, so that you’re entirely ruled by it and stuck and miserably unhappy, instead of open and curious.

And that belief system ruins the joy of food, too.

Well, it certainly did for me. I couldn’t eat one bite without my mind saying “you did that wrong” or “good job, you get a gold star “.

It was like having a vicious authority constantly watching.

Well, it was.

Today, let’s question the simple and common thought “I shouldn’t eat that”. You can think of a specific food.

To question this thought doesn’t mean you’re going to eat it day and night and grow obese or get sick and die.

To question this thought is to open the mind to wondering instead of the rigid, tight and condemning lists of rules formed to succeed.

See what happens. See what kind of softness might possibly appear if you don’t have a “should” or “shouldn’t” running, and instead….you’re free to choose.

And, if you’d like to participate in an online workshop I’ll give for no charge (date coming soon) we can address some of this together, especially in this odd time where many of us are in the kitchen more than ever, wishing we were not there. (Join facebook group here).

Much love,

Grace

April 13, 2020

In one month exactly: spring cleaning of the mental kind

So spring retreat…always a glorious time to visit Seattle with bursting blossoms…is not happening in Seattle this year.

Except virtually, it IS happening. Yes, we can do this.

For those interested in doing The Work as an immersion together online, this is going to be fun.

We’re meeting twice on Thursday 5/14 and again Friday 5/15, and once on Saturday 5/16, and once on Sunday 5/17. You can enroll in the full retreat, which include all of the six half-day segments from May 14-17 ($295) and receive 21 hours of CEUs for mental health practitioners.

Or, you can sign up for any of the segments you’re able to attend, based on your time zone, interest, schedule. Each 3.5 hour segment we’ll have a 20 min break in the middle at a natural pause place in our time together. One half-day segment is $60. (CEUs are only offered if you enroll in the entire retreat).

To read more about the schedule, match it up with your time zone to see what’s possible for you, and sign up for either the entire retreat, or one or more of the six “segments”, visit here.

I’m so looking forward to the gathering that will happen. A time of spring mental cleaning.

And boy howdy, many of us have felt very inspired to clean lately, whether physically or mentally or emotionally.

This past weekend, I put away my computer and anything screen-ish on Saturday and spent 7 hours completely emptying a dresser, recycling old papers, making a stack of important tax documents, dusting (wow, those high-up bookshelf corners way in the back, just saying), sweeping and scrubbing.

It was so incredibly satisfying.

Out with the old. Making a new light space.

This kind of cleaning is possible every single day when we use self-inquiry with our stories and perceptions about living in this world, relating to others, remaining safe, being creative, finding support, fearing the future.

We practice noticing our conclusions about What Is without filtering or judging these internal stories, and then applying the four questions and finding turnarounds.

One of my favorite things about The Work is that we get to begin with our own doorway in: our personal stressful experience.

And we really mean it when we say “unfiltered”. We don’t hold back, we get it all down in writing even if it’s embarrassing or weird or uncomfortable.

We find what frightens us, what has irritated us in the past, what’s made us upset about the future. We get it down on paper.

Sometimes these experiences feel like they’re almost soaked into us at a cellular level (many have observed that our difficulties are physically stored in our nervous system).

Whether that’s specifically true or not, the memories of our suffering certainly seem to be stored in our hearts and minds, and without inquiry these memories often plague us.

In spring cleaning retreat, we’ll all get to start with one uncomfortable situation we’ve experienced–from any day or time period in life–and write a Judge Your Neighbor worksheet. Current events have given many of us good opportunity to tap into stress and fear, and take a very close look.

I’ll help guide you in to where you’ll begin: a feeling inside of disturbance about what happened, or what’s happening, and identifying the thoughts that communicate what you believe about that experience.

Disease, communication with others, loss, worry, money, jobs, career, partnership, time, physical suffering, death, self-realization or lack of it, compulsion.

What bothers you? You’ll get to look. That’s the place to start.

If 100 things bother you, on our retreat (or any day you do The Work really) you’ll still get to begin with just one situation. A place you were betrayed, frightened, angered.

I love that our feelings and emotions show us the way. We don’t cover them up with shame…instead we actually sit with them and let them point to what bothers us.

I’m looking forward to joining in a small group of travelers through the joy of inquiry for spring retreat this year, and the joy of potentially sitting with you even if you live in an entirely different time zone.

To look up the schedule and understand more about the daily program during retreat, visit this page HERE.

Much love to all,

Grace

P.S.

April 10, 2020

A therapist thought she lost her mooring because of the virus

Are you a person whose job has been to serve others?

Practitioners of all kinds are now working via zoom or video conferencing with those who seek help.

Kirsten has been in practice for years, and as a skilled practitioner found herself believing the story that she’s not as confident, she can’t reassure people as before, that her work feels less grounded.

Watch as we look together at the belief on Peace Talk Podcast Episode 159: “this virus is causing me to lose my mooring”. (Listen HERE).

Even if you’re not a practitioner who works professionally with others….you might be having the same thought!

Also, a powerful free summit is coming up with a daily interview (21 minutes only per person) where I am one of the speakers featured (out of 21 people).

I very, very rarely have participated in these because of soooo much information overload, but I was very moved by meeting and learning about Malia, our host, and what her intentions are for anyone participating.

To sign up to receive these short interviews from my new adorable friend Malia Aloha and her Mindset Detox, visit here.

Those who attend Malia’s summit will be able to join for no fee a 2-hour workshop in The Work with me on Friday, May 8th at 9am Pacific Time where we’ll dive into the depths of inquiry on disease, loss, fear, pain, death, viruses….some of our most frightening thoughts about reality.

Much love,

Grace

April 7, 2020

Ten thousand forms of suffering. Joining Year of Inquiry can help.

An old zen question: what was your original face before you were born?

Before everything became “this” life. The face who has lived, is living, will live an unknown amount farther into the future.

This morning in early meditation, for some reason, maybe it was the bizarre changes in the world out there with the massive stop of travel and social time and weirdness of the virus and death notices….I thought of the man who went spelunking one day all by himself, an expert cave crawler, and a great huge boulder rolled with a shift onto his forearm.

He was trapped, and alone and down in a canyon or a cave.

He eventually realized his only way out alive was to cut off his own arm, free himself, and make his way back out to the light.

Yikes. Sorry for the disconcerting visual. It’s stayed with me ever since I first read about it when I visited Moab National Park about 15 years ago.

I felt the familiar heightened awareness as I sat in stillness. Wondering what it was like, how he could have managed to do such a thing.

But the reason I mention this, and I really don’t mean to be adding MORE to the visuals and nerves that seem to be arising….is to say that I’ve observed the mind working this way in the past.

It feels threatened for whatever reason, a generalized notion of uncertainty, haunting music playing, people with anxiety, scary sounding news….and what does it do?

It thinks of MORE disturbing images from both the past and the future.

Like a slide show playing on ultra-speed; is this one making you nervous? How about this one? What about this one? Oh, and how about that one from 1972?

And it pauses on that old story of the guy who amputated his own arm. Jeez, not that one again.

(I’ve also got a repeater of another young man climbing Half Dome without ropes, paused part way up with his back to the cliff and “resting”–it was on the cover of a National Geographic).

All these images, worries, wonderings, unknown mysteries, strange adventures.

This seems to be a time when wondering is up, strong, intense in the atmosphere.

Which is why I loved a group inquiry that just happened, yesterday, in Year of Inquiry.

It was a simple, core, sweeping thought resounding through the group:

IT’S TOO MUCH!!

Everyone found their collection of thoughts that all built together for a moment when the abrupt cry entered the mind “it’s all too much! Nooooooo!”

(We may have heard it several times a day the way the world is unfolding lately, I know).

Too much to organize, too much work suddenly transferred to the living room, too much anxiety about what will happen next, too much nervousness about getting the virus or losing money, too much thinking about death or disease or bodies, too much talking with everyone in the family home at the same time, too much laundry, noise, news headlines.

In our group, someone had too much time suddenly on their hands, another was being driven crazy by the kids, another exchanged harsh words with his dad, another drove into then out of the grocery store parking lot.

Someone else was having to figure out teaching college online.

But hearing peoples’ images, visions, thoughts, feelings all in this inquiry work feels like such a relief–we’re not alone, we all have the same SMACK DOWN even if the images and situations are different and unique.

A thought whizzes in with the grand statement “Too much! Too much! Seriously too much!”

But here’s the thing.

As we walked through this belief, we discovered the only thing that’s really too much, in any given moment ever, is the belief itself.

My thoughts fill the air with visions of the future that are entirely unknown. Worries. Perhaps there’s been physical pain.

But was it ever too much?

No.

I’m here, breathing. I didn’t die.

Too much for what? Too much for me to feel, to imagine, to wonder about, to hold?

What if that is just not true?

I reflected on how in my life I’ve felt abandoned, hated myself, experienced terror, lost everything including all my possessions, gotten physically hurt….and it was never too much, except in my head.

When I believed it was too much, frequently my action was to eat, smoke, drink, read historical novels, gather information and quickly, grab for answers, work harder, stay awake at night.

When I believed it was too much I never questioned it.

Now, thank goodness for four questions.

Turning the thought around: It is not too much. My thinking is too much. I AM too much for IT.

Life, circumstances, happenings, situations, people, emotions.

“I am” lives through it all, the life force (as one year-of-inquiry member said), the buzzing beat of being here. The pulse of living is here–and the thoughts fall apart, dissolve, collapse. They even go away the minute we sleep.

Things shift, despite my thinking. Things get OK again.

“I am” holds it all and the Too Muchness fades and returns, but doesn’t destroy What Is.

Something that was here before All This, and will live on after All This….can’t be touched.

Who or what our faces were before we were born.

If you notice stress thinking or disturbed thinking pesters and bothers you about life–and it doesn’t have to be about the virus–come join us as the doors are open this month of April in Year of Inquiry. We’re a mighty fine group of sincere people, wanting simply to question our thoughts.

Click HERE to read details. We meet live, we share a private forum for doing our work in writing and communicating online, and we partner pair with others.

I am so touched by all the new folks who already just joined Year of Inquiry, wow. My hands are clapping.

The ship is taking new inquirers on board this month, then we’ll close the doors again until the usual annual open time: September.

Join for a year (saving quite a lot), or month-to-month (still such a deal compared to solo sessions), and please ask me if you are out of work and in dire need of scholarship help. Just write to grace@workwithgrace.com

Year of Inquiry doors Spring open (+ inquiry on “those people have it better than me”)

Need a breath of fresh air, when it comes to your darkish, nervous, or disturbed thinking?

Well here’s a fancy new spring idea, in the midst of strange, whacky and disturbing times where a lot of thoughts are getting born and re-born day by day:

Spring doors are opening to the Year of Inquiry, the ongoing membership community of folks sharing The Work together regularly in live online groups, in writing, and in partner pairing work.

Basically, we’re pretty into questioning our thoughts. We’re deeply interested in understanding happiness. We’re practicing making friends with reality.

And sure, maybe sometimes resistant to it, sometimes arguing, sometimes tired of it all….and yet sometimes incredibly inspired and inspiring, sometimes refreshed, and sometimes laughing, crying, or both at the same time.

In a good way.

We usually only open Year of Inquiry in September. But when three different people ask, and two recently joined who did YOI in the past but wanted to get connected again….

….it just seemed like picking up fellow passengers on the rough seas is a good idea.

We’ve got a pretty good ship, I’d say.

Small but mighty, as one beautiful YOI inquirer put it last year.

Even if you don’t feel you need “rescuing” exactly, we are an awfully fun group to be around, no matter what’s going on in the atmosphere.

We ask, we answer, we get the virus, we do The Work. (Yes, one of us has been on the front lines with “the” virus–she’s OK and back at home).

The inspiration is invaluable. I’m so grateful.

You can join Year of Inquiry for one month only, and then continue month-to-month as you wish, or sign up for a whole year (saving quite a bit).