Author: Grace

Grace Bell is author of Grace Notes and facilitates individuals, groups, retreats and courses in The Work of Byron Katie. She supports people with eating issues, divorce, difficult feelings and relationship trouble to find peace.
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Mothers!

A reader recently wrote me to ask if I could write something about my experience with doing The Work on Mothers.

The idea of MOTHER is so loaded with concepts that are stressful, you may have noticed!

We have such strong, broad ideas about what mothers are supposed to be when they are good mothers: kind, generous, loving, giving, gentle, caring, powerful, protective, playful, patient, resourceful, thoughtful, good communicators, evolving, aware.

Does any mother actually ever live up to the ideal image? I have had the thought that if I did The Work on only my own mother, that is all I would need to reach understanding with all relationships in this world.

Then with mothers who have a lot of the most “beautiful” qualities, there are even more concepts to question if you long for them now that you’re an adult, you want or need her, you miss her if she’s passed on.

Byron Katie has said that she did the Work on her own mother for three years. It doesn’t matter how often or what that looked like to me, somehow I love that she speaks of this time of questioning her beliefs about “mother” for a long time, on-going, continuing until it was done.

Katie says “the teacher you need is the person you’re living with”.  

The most amazing thing for me is realizing how many years I spent in first, adopting the beliefs that my mother innocently also adopted from her own life….and then blaming my mother for being herself.

And surely my life could have been better if my mother had been different!!

  • Mom should be kind and never get angry
  • Mom shouldn’t care too much about my feelings, that’s co-dependent
  • Mom does not communicate clearly
  • Mom gets into my business too often
  • Mom has too many opinions about food and health
  • Mom is too bossy
  • Mom is too apologetic

The list may seem long and endless for what you believe about your mother.

So many thoughts! How will I get through them all!??!

Just start with one. Think of the situation where you really believed the thought was true. Return to this situation over and over in your mind as you answer the four questions. See that scene in your mind, keep returning to it. It’s good to be facilitated so you stay on track.

The mind is tricky and it will love finding proof for your concept in other, different situations. Wait! But that other time, my mom was REALLY bossy, everyone would agree! If you only knew the story, this is what she did….

Stop!!! Go back to the first situation you thought of. Stay with THAT situation.

The mind loves to skip around like a flat pebble on a smooth lake. And mothers are a Big Lake full of concepts! Even if you didn’t have a mother around, there is a whole list of concepts about what’s wrong with her that she wasn’t there.

Just begin with one concept today. One simple concept that feels true and painful. You never know how questioning concepts about “mother” could bring incredible freedom into your present experience.

If your mother was a particularly difficult person and you notice you have a lot of beliefs about her and how that hurt, come along to the next relationships telecourse starting on Tuesdays. Bring your concepts about “mother”.

She is the perfect teacher for you, that mother that you have, whether still in your life or apparently never there—she’s in your mind!

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It’s My Fault

I was upset with myself recently and heard my mind say “you got yourself into this, it’s your fault”.

This can happen with big and small events, short and long conversations, big surprises, small surprises, accidents, the unexpected.

What a fantastic concept to question! “It is my fault”. Is that really true? What does that even mean?

It’s like the mind is getting fired up and it’s main focus is “let’s find out who is to blame…and by the way, this time it’s probably YOU!” And if someone is to blame, then they are BAD.

A fantastic meditation teacher and writer called Cheri Huber wrote a book called “There Is Nothing Wrong With You”. I’ve read it, like, 150 times. Seriously. It has big font and not many words on each page.

Imagine the last time you did or said something and then had the thought “that was my fault”.  Your version might be “I shouldn’t have said it that way, I could have prevented that outcome, I’m just not good at ______.” And some of us also start thinking about the other people involved, and how THEY could use some improvement as well of course. Always scanning for who did worse, who is the biggest jerk.

How does it feel in your body when you think it’s your fault? Heavy, depressing, low, thick, nauseated, jittery, aching, sleepy, crushing.

There you are, sitting in a chair, or walking along, or going about your day, and you keep thinking of that stupid thing you did or that your said. You start to think about how you could prevent it next time. You might think about ways you could “pay” for it and therefore feel better.

This is not a friendly belief. It produces tons of stress. Therefore, it is also not a true thought. Beliefs that are true feel peaceful, calm, simple, open. Notice how it also isn’t true that it’s someone else’s fault. That’s also very stressful.

I love sitting with who I would be, in these moments where I decided I was wrong and worthy of blame, without the belief that it was my fault? I don’t mean the kind of saying “it’s not MY fault!” like little kids say when they’re scared to death and they want it to be someone else’s fault.

Cheri Huber asks “Can you be lovable NOT meeting the standards? Can you stop trying to change into who you wish you were long enough to find out who you really are? You will never improve yourself enough to meet your standards.”

Wow! If I turn the painful belief around and look at this concept “there is no one to blame”!

Wait…what? But what about the pain, the difficulties of the world, the people who are hurting, the mental illness, addiction, cancer, disease, psychopaths, murderers, violence!?!

There has to be a reason for these, it has to be someone’s fault! If we don’t find out whose fault it is then terrible things will happen over and over again. I have to find out the root of the badness and pull it out!

News flash: I can’t find who is to blame. It seems easy if it’s me and I pop over to that idea a lot, but….really, who would I be without the thought that the bad stuff is someone’s fault?

Empty. Silent. Open. Vast. Expansive. Wondering. Free. More relaxed, not tight. Not against anything. Not sure. Not knowing. Mind without a job. Mind at rest.

“Beginning to wake up. Beginning to not take it personally. Beginning to see that life isn’t anyone’s fault. It just is and you jsut are, and it’s all just fine.”–Cheri Huber

Join the teleclass on Relationships starting in only 2 weeks! We’ll look at those people we tend to blame in our lives—we all do it–and question it together!

Love, Grace

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Trying To Be Detached

Most of us these days have thought about the term “Enlightenment”. In one of the online dictionaries it is defined as transcending suffering and desire.

That about sums up my determination in my late teens and throughout my twenties. The way I would handle not feeling confident, not having lots of money, not feeling happy, and constantly feeling empty and hungry and like actually eating tons of food or smoking and drinking a lot was that I would chase after every teacher, idea, book and philosophy that could teach me how to NOT WANT ANYTHING.

It seemed like being totally unattached would feel so free, painless, and easy.

Wouldn’t it be great to be detached and just be able to say honestly “uh, yeah, I don’t really care about eating anything right now. Whatever.”

Or, “I don’t care about having a boyfriend or a girlfriend, it doesn’t matter one way or the other.”

Or, “Who cares about my job, we’re all rats in the rat-race so I’ll just walk away from it or never get anything where I really have to do what the Man says”.

I like when the detachment chase becomes a little possible in some areas, and it seems like we’re conquering it. It feels so transcendent. “I’m beyond all this! It’s working! Hooray, I don’t care!”

The tricky part about this search for detachment is that it is just another strategy created by my mind. When something doesn’t work, the mind gets a bigger plan, says Katie. The new plan: Attain Enlightenment!!!!

The problem is, I was always there with my imperfect little self, making mistakes and having emotional ups and downs, sad then happy, angry then calm. Worried then not worried.

I think it’s called being a Regular Human.

It can feel like a weight is lifted off your entire world if you stop trying to “work” on your attachments. If you feel beyond them and like you get some distance, it feels so wonderful to not react.

But those of us who are drawn to detachment….like me….it’s good to be really honest and still find out what I care about, what I love, what I miss. Doing the Work doesn’t mean being passive and being detached and “loving what is” absolutely all the time without passion. It feels alive, aware, present, excited.

If you’ve been interested in Enlightenment and seeking it, write down all your concepts on what is good about it and what is wrong with you now, if you believe you’re not there yet.

I love what Adyashanti writes about seeking and trying to get to that state that we think is better than whatever is happening right now, whether it’s being detached like I used to want all the time, or feeling blissful:

“What does awakening mean for you? Do you want it because it sounds good? Then you’ve borrowed someone else’s idea of it. What is it that’s intrinsic to you? What’s been important to you your whole life? If you touch upon that, you are in touch with a force that no teacher or teaching could ever give you. You are quite on your own in finding it. No one can tell you what that is.”—Adyashanti

Love, Grace

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Those #*%$& People!!

When I began to do The Work, to simply question my beliefs using the 4 questions Byron Katie teaches, I couldn’t really get into the judgments and writing everything down.

But Katie says “let them have their voices”.

Boy, howdy! If you let them speak, they can be like the WORST meanest, nastiest, most vindictive, blaming, violent voices you’ve ever heard in your life. Once I began….look out!

Big grand statements, like:

  • that person is such a LOSER!
  • she is is DEVIL INCARNATED!
  • I HATE that guy, he shouldn’t even EXIST!
  • What a @%#^*&!

At first, when I really got into writing down my judgments, it’s almost like they couldn’t be mean, nasty or destructive enough. No words were really all that good to describe the bad other person I was holding in my mind.

But when you have your list in front of you of explicatives, swear words, grand sweeping statements…..you may pause and think a little more thoroughly about what else you really want to say, what else you really believe about this terrible, rotten person.

What do I really want, if I could say it and write it down? What do I really, really need that person to do? What do I need them to say? What would I recommend to them, how would I advise them, so they can improve themselves, or change…..so that I never have to be bothered by my experience with them again?

This is where the real juicy stuff lies. This is where I think “if they just changed their attitude, if they just calmed down, if they just relaxed, if they just had anger-managment training, if they just did The Work themselves….then they’d feel better or behave better”.

And I would benefit!!  I wouldn’t have to go through all this agony with this loser!

Oh. That’s right. If I wait for someone else to improve or change, if I dictate what I think they should do in their lives so that they are better off….I might wait a very long time.

I start back with me. Can I look at what I’m thinking about that mean, nasty person and see what it is I am truly afraid of that is inside of myself.

If I can’t get away from the list of swear words about the person, that’s a wonderful place to begin.

“She is a loser!” Is it true? YES! Can I absolutely know 100% without any doubts that the person I consider to be a loser is truly a loser at the core….with no good winning qualities of any kind. No…and it starts getting kind of ridiculous with the grand sweeping statements, they never really hold up.

Keep going with them anyway. You may discover a really interesting, specific place in the turnarounds, or a really liberating place in thinking about who you would be without the thought.

You are not bad just because you “resort” to swear words about someone else. Start there. It is only part of your mind, one of your voices coming out to the forefront, letting itself be heard.

That voice can do inquiry, too.

We start the journey of diving into these WORST THOUGHTS about other people in the teleclass “Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven” in only 2 weeks on Tuesdays! It’s a wonderful place to be heard, to let out those really nasty judgments, and then inquire. Click the link below to head over to the website if you want to register.

Love, Grace

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Torture Chamber Silence NOT!

Today I’m sitting in meditation retreat. I absolutely love the silence.

Before I learned how to question my thinking and get some little space
or distance from it, I had more of a love-hate relationship with silence.

Now it seems that my experience of silence and emptiness matches
my willingness to be with my own thinking, to welcome every little
petty or mean thought “like it’s a little child” as Katie says.

The first time I decided to try to meditate I was about 18 years old. I
could hardly stand sitting there for five minutes. My mind really did
NOT feel like a friendly universe.

Now, it feels like the world is downright magical. And because I am
not so tortured with my thoughts (now the torture chamber is only
open on Mondays in the winter rather than a year-round resort) I look forward
to meditation with joy and anticipation. Like I’m going on an adventure.

Truly amazing!

I share with you all this poem by Rumi today, with no more of my own words:

There is a community of the spirit.
Join it, and feel the delight.
of walking in the noisy street,
and being the noise.

Drink all your passion,
and be a disgrace.

Open your hands,
if you want to be held.

Sit down in this circle.

Quit acting like a wolf, and feel
the shepherd’s love filling you.

At night, your beloved wanders.
Don’t accept consolations.

Close your mouth against food,
Taste the lover’s mouth in yours.

You moan, “She left me.” “He left me.”
Twenty more will come.

Be empty of worrying.
Think of who created thought!

Why do you stay in prison
when the door is so wide open?

Move outside the tangle of fear-thinking.
Live in silence.

Flow down and down in always
widening rings of being.

——Rumi

Love, Grace

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I Hate My J-O-B!

Yesterday I had a new client who has meditated, been on retreat and read extensively.

There was just one little problem with her life….she doesn’t like her home, the city she has moved to, and how much she misses her friends and family. All for a J-O-B!

She moved because she wanted health benefits, a steady income, and to help pay for her child’s education. So she accepted a new job in a new place.

Beliefs were coming out of the woodwork! All about the disappointment around work, income, money, worry about making a mistake in the future, not quitting, quitting, moving back, disappointing people, growing old without a plan….or health benefits.

My mind works this fast, too. Especially when it comes to work and money.

  • More money is better
  • You have to work REALLY HARD if you don’t have lots of money
  • You have to work for health insurance
  • Jobs are hard work, traps, and impose on MY time
  • My business should grow faster
  • Having money means: freedom, security, adventure

I have questioned beliefs about money and business and work often in the past couple of years. Wow, these are just some of the turnarounds I have found, it’s amazing to sit with them and find real examples of how they are just as true or truer.

  • I am already free, secure, and adventurous!
  • My business should grow s-l-o-w-l-y
  • Jobs are easy, places that offer fun and freedom
  • Jobs are not impositions, they are something I get to do
  • You have to “play” for health insurance
  • I DON’T have to work hard if I don’t have lots of money
  • Just the exact amount of money I have is just right

Eckhart Tolle has a wonderful quote “the primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation, but your thoughts about it“.

This means, if I have no job at the moment….only my thoughts create unhappiness. If I get fired or laid off, then my job is being a person who has no “job” at the moment.

If I run my own business, my job is questioning my beliefs about whatever I think is not fun about doing this activity. The possibilities are endless!

What is the worst that could happen if my situation with money and work or business never changes? It’s all in the future, all images in my mind. That are not true, and never could be.

Even the most gruesome, horrible image of a terrible future is only imagination. If something “really terrible” happens….it won’t be the way you’re seeing it in your mind, anyway.

Might as well relax and question everything stressful. The next Money & Your Business teleclass starts on Saturdays in April! Join us!

Love, Grace

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Tornado Sirens or Temple Bells

This past week I worked with two clients who felt very, very discouraged after having the experience of an episode called “binge-eating”.

I remember it well, like it was yesterday even though the last “binge” episode I had was many years ago, compulsively overeating food, absolutely stuffing myself until my stomach hurt, feeling like I couldn’t stop or wouldn’t stop until I was in extreme pain, like something was taking over me, almost another personality!

In that state of mind, there were no obligations, no future, all rules broken, no control, no care for consequences, surrender to the craving.

What exactly is this thing called a Binge? The dictionary defines it as an uncontrolled period of excessive self-indulgence, immoderate, unrestrained. Humans go on spending sprees, gambling binges, eating orgies, crying jags!

It’s like we’re ON these things, as if they are a trip. A train is running and it feels like we can’t get off.

I find that there’s a really interesting flip-flop between being in control and out of control, and people with different kinds of personalities gravitate towards the two sides more or less. And some of us bouncing between both sides.

In control looks careful, regimented, disciplined. It gathers information and data, really uses the thinking mind. I used to live in this place when I was not bingeing. Reading, collecting, analyzing. It felt very mental. I couldn’t get enough information, go to enough workshops, or ponder the meaning of my life and my problems ENOUGH.

Then there would be the state of FEELINGS breaking through and what felt most dominant would be anger, grief, fear, anxiety….some kinds of very intense feelings that seemed overwhelming, serious, and so powerful. Unplanned, unexpected and sometimes very extreme behavior would become the dominant experience in this dramatic place.

But both experiences are reactions to stories. The stories are simple. They go something like this:

  • This could be better, things could be better, I could be better
  • This moment is not perfect, I am not perfect, my body is not perfect
  • Who is God? What’s going on? I NEED to KNOW!
  • My feelings are not perfect, I am angry, scared, sad.
  • I am not complete as is. I need a partner, more money, happiness, a better body, a better mind, more fun, more knowledge, success.
  • Death is terrible
  • Life is boring
  • I’m not good enough

When you can hold still and not react to things like they are an emergency to which need to be figured out, then you can see what’s on your list of stressful beliefs.

The fantastic news is that the more I have found out that what I believed is not actually true for me afterall, the more calm and peaceful I feel. Sometimes it’s pretty stormy inside my mind, but it never works its way up into a frenzy of a binge.

No controlling anything, no being on plans, budgets, rations. No flipping out and going wild as if escaping from a jail.

Byron Katie says that when we feel stress, we’re actually believing something that isn’t really true for us. Which means, when we really get down to it and look…we already know it’s not true. The stressful moment or feeling is the little temple bell ringing, a wake-up call.

OK, OK, tornado sirens for some of us!

It’s just saying “Woah, you’re really believing a story here. This story hurts. You’re forgetting that it’s a story, and that it isn’t true”. Like a little kid believing there is something terrible in the closet.

The next Horrible Food Wonderful Food class starts the first week of April. A great place for first identifying what you’re actually believing about food, eating, your body, and then questioning these thoughts.

Love, Grace

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Having Tea With Your Critical Mind

Have you ever noticed that even when you know a ton about yourself, you’ve been around for awhile, you might even admit that you’ve got a few words of wisdom and some great life experience, that you still dive right into a whole stream of critical thoughts about someone or some situation?

It’s like I see someone, and for some strange reason my mind zips to some petty criticism, like “she’s such a chatterbox” or “he’s a pompous twit”.

Really mature, right?

It seems like the mind is busy with little judgments and evaluations, busy busy busy like a little bee just buzzing away.

The difference I notice now after doing the Work for awhile is that I can FEEL the stress.. then often, the HUMOR, of making these sweeping evaluations and analyses.

The tricky part is if I don’t realize how funny my mind is being, if it’s a little too close to something important for me and I’m worried or nervous, or angry, or sad about the way that person is…..then I start saying things to myself like this:

  •  “Jeez, I thought you’d be over this kind of critical thinking by now!”
  • “Gosh, you don’t sound very enlightened, you better get a grip!”
  • “Hold yourself together! Other people will see how emotional you are, and how immature!”
  • “I can’t believe you let yourself get angry at your 12 year old! Who is the grown up here?!”

Yes, I must confess I’ve gotten VERY mad at my teenage daughter. She’s been the subject of a few worksheets, since age five.

But when I start expecting myself to be someone different, better, calmer, non-critical, and a fabulous NVC communicator….oh boy. Then the picture I have of myself is even worse, and I get really sad and despairing about being this imperfect, unspiritual person who has a LONG WAY TO GO.

(In case you don’t know, NVC means Non-Violent Communication, the amazing method of conversing with others taught by Marshall Rosenberg).

Instead, the best way to deal with severe self-criticism is to start doing The Work. Give yourself some love. “I blew it, I should not have eaten all that food…I will never get over this…I’m a hopeless case”.

Write it all down and then start questioning it.

One of my most favorite spiritual teachers, Adyashanti, says this: “the only real block is in a Me that has blocks. The Me is always going to perceive itself as having blocks.”

Knowing this, I can say now, “oh hello critical mind…nice to see you today!

Want a cup of tea?!”

And we sit down together and investigate.

Love, Grace

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Hating You Hating Me

Yesterday I got several emails from folks who have found that the one relationship that brings out the most stress in their lives is the one they have with someone from their job.

Boss, co-worker, employee, the person in the cubicle next door.

I love how Byron Katie says “things do not happen TO you, but FOR you”.

Really?!

When I used to feel angry, annoyed or ENRAGED with someone (what, me? enraged?) then one of my reactions when I believed that they really were horrible was that they should GO AWAY.

Be destroyed, get obliterated, get crushed, die, end, and never, ever come across my path again.

Just a little violence in my mind, not too horrible!

It seemed like before I knew how to pause and slow down, my mind got very carried away with the truth that this person was wrong, evil, and someone to stay away from eternally.

The only trouble is that I was just as violent with myself. We all are. We can’t help but start to think, “Was it me? Could I have done something different? Should I have said something else? Why did I get so mad? Or why didn’t I speak up? I could have done better!”

Some of us let the voice that attacks the Self get really loud. We’re just hooked up that way. If I only was calmer, if I only wasn’t as shy, if I only wasn’t so anxious….if I only was different, then I could have prevented this.

But whether you’re a big blamer of others, or a blamer of yourself, it really hurts! It’s really uncomfortable either way, and ranges from slightly bothersome to brutally painful.

What a huge relief to notice the mind’s tendency to do this, and to Stop. Just stop.

Then start with the one big repetitive thought “that should not have happened”. Then move into who you would be without that thought.

And find benefits or advantages to why it happened. Any genuine advantage, something that you know is true that came out of that difficult relationship or exchange that made life different, even in the smallest way, whether it’s a really close person in your life like your spouse, or that person you deal with all the time at your job.

There are advantages to everything.  Come find out the advantage of knowing that person or people who have irked you the most. The next teleclass Turning Relationship Hell to Heaven starts at the end of this month!

Love, Grace

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Relationships Are Easy

Being really truthful about my judgments towards others is one scary thing to do. The first time I wrote a worksheet on someone I personally knew, I thought I should probably burn it or put it through the shredder later.

If people knew what my real judgments actually were…there many dangers:  they might leave, they might not like me anymore, they would see me as a jerk, they might get super angry, they might question my judgment. If I hurt someone’s feelings, then to be a better person, I would need to fix it. I would need to make them feel better. Or back out of the room slowly never to be seen again!

Having relationships used to feel difficult. I had lots of beliefs about what good relationships looked like and what people were supposed to be doing in them:

  1. be nice (which could mean smile, ask questions, listen, speak in a calm voice,  refrain from arguing)
  2. take care of the other person (bring them things, ask if they want a cup of tea when you’re making yourself one, change your plans if they need “help”)
  3. show them you care about them (give them cards, hug them, call them)
  4. tell them how wonderful they are and shower them with praises
  5. give them gifts
  6. offer to fix things or help them out in their tasks
  7. tell them how nice they look or act
  8. listen to them speak, no matter how long they talk, don’t interrupt
  9. laugh at their jokes

Of course, I was supposed to be like this with others, and they were also supposed to be like this with me. That’s how I could tell I “liked” someone, if they did the things I expected “good” people to do, and if they did what I really enjoyed (I like it when someone laughs at my jokes).

But there is nothing like getting everything out that you really think about someone on paper, writing down all the things you see, feel, want, need or observe about someone else. It gives your craziest, meanest, nastiest thoughts a voice. They are there anyway, so might as well let them out. On paper.

Having wonderful relationships is not difficult at all since I’ve questioned all my rules about them. I gave up my expectations and hopes about relationships and what they should look like. Ahhhhh, what a relief. I dropped my stories where I really hoped someone would be different than they were.

One side benefit is that I dropped my own stories of how I should be in a relationship. Oh the freedom!

It’s easy to be in relationships with people now. And actually, the people who confuse, sadden, annoy or anger me the most have been my greatest teachers. The more I question my thinking about the people who apparently cause me the most pain (and
who do not follow the rules on the list above), the easier and easier it is to be with all people, any people, any time….even the ones who frown!

And I also see that the list above? Even though it’s not necessary to have any kind of list, I find that people wind up doing these things that are on the list without really trying. When they question and investigate their motivations and  their thinking, when no one is trying  to “act” nice if they don’t feel that way, when no one is trying to get any love, appreciation or approval from anyone, VOILA, people are very kind, including me.

At the end of March the next teleclass “Turning Relationship Hell To Heaven” starts on Tuesdays! We dive into the biggest judgments we have about people who have really bugged us. Come join the freedom train…it’s fantastic in a group! Discover your true nature.

Love, Grace